The Black Sheep
Fr ee ... lik ec we red e! it c ar ds !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 5 • 3/7/13 - 3/13/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
the most measly of mascots Allyson Parrish wrote this Mascots are creepy. Like a parent’s worst nightmare, they’re life-sized dolls that walk around and touch drunk college co-eds and amazed small children. Not cool, man. However, sometimes mascots are just so ridiculous you can’t help but make fun of them. We have a lot of those in the Big 12. Baylor Bears: Their mascot is Bruiser the Bear. You may be thinking, “Well shit, bears are scary. Bears will eat your face off, then laugh manically after doing so.” Yeah, real bears, maybe. Real bears with fangs of doom, not fangs of foam. Bruiser looks like something that would be sitting on your little sister’s bed. No one finds a stuffed bear intimidating, Baylor. Iowa State Cyclones: Ah, Cy the Cardinal. Someone please explain to us why Iowa State chose a cardinal to represent a cyclone. It would be much more badass to have a tornado be your mascot than a bright red bird. Even, like, the Wicked Witch of the West, or a really big DVD of Twister. Something, anything. The whole university is nothing but one giant identity crisis. Kansas Jayhawks: Big Jay, a smiling, possibly insane bird. It looks like Colonel Sanders in bird form, but again, it’s a bird. A fake bird. A Jayhawk isn’t even a real thing -- they had to make something up to feel special. Go home guys. Kansas State Wildcats: Willie the Wildcat rings in games for Kansas State. The wildcat might have been intimidating back before the 21st century, but now because of High School Musical, everyone just associates wildcats with jazz hands and corrupted youth. Sucks to be you. Plus if you don’t automatically think of a tiny penis when you here “Willie,” then we’re not sure what depraved society you grew up in. Oklahoma Sooners: Boomer and Sooner are their mascots. Two lovable horses… or asses. We can’t really tell. Horses portray a hardworking personality, but beneath the tough façade all horses scare rather easily; are they trying to tell us something?
Texas Longhorns: Their mascot is Bevo; Bevo the wonderful longhorn. Have you seen an actual longhorn? Those things are terrifying. Their depiction of one, however, is not. It just looks like a fuzzy cow that stepped out of a cartoon on Nick Jr.
Oklahoma State Cowboys: Pistol Pete is the scariest fucking mascot ever to walk the earth. Why the hell doesn’t Oklahoma State just get an actual person instead of that creepy-ass plastic thing?! Here’s why: At night, he rides into opponents’ dreams on a hairless, firebreathing horse to bury fear deep into their unconscious.
Texas Christian Horned Frogs: Pumping up the not-so-horny Horned Frogss at TCU is the Super Frog. The Super. Frog. Guys, guys, it’s like, totally like, a frog, but better! Could Super Frog get any lamer? Does it have the super power to strangle a whole football team with its mighty tongue? TCU, you have an alien creature running around your school and the government is doing nothing about it.
Texas Tech Red Raiders: Their mascot is the Red Raider. He looks like Yosemite Sam. No one took that guy seriously, so nobody takes this guy seriously either. They might as well give their mascot to Oklahoma State, because this cowboy looks more cuddle-you-inyour-dreams and less eat-your-limbs-in-your-dreams. For however much the Big 12 touts athletic prowess, the mascots sure do make big-name athletics at Oklahoma and Texas feel like they’re grade school girls basketball, bricking layup after layup as dutiful parents nod off in the stands. Not to mention all the horns and willies sprinkled about – envy much, Big 12?
what'’s inside The Taylor Swift Effect And Other Pop Culture Phenomena
Which Morgantown Bar is the right place for you?
Career fair ends early when student offered every job
Maybe it’s time you take control of your guilty pleasure addictions.
You can’t just drink beer in any ole’ bar!
talk about an overachiever!
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page two campus manager Maddi Blankenship
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Managers Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky Emily Zapach
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Allyson Parrish Tiffany Benson
Founders Jacob Lash, Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky
photographer Arthur Hartman distribution manager Danielle Dorris social media manager Michael Mozer promotions manager Morgan Farr
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Pic of the Week!
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The Taylor Swift Effect
and Other Pop Culture Phenomena tbs staff wrote this Everyone’s guilty of it. You hear a song on the radio or at a sick party in a Frat, and you immediately think, “Oh. My. God. Another Taylor Swift song? That girl has more problems than a math major’s homework.” Yet the radio stays on. You stay in the room at the party, and a minute later you’re singing at the top of your lungs, “I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IN!” In this case specifically, it's the Taylor Swift Effect, but it can be labeled under a broader spectrum of guilty pleasure addictions: The Pop Culture Phenomenon. What is responsible for this? Is it some T-Swift virus-spreading bug? No one knows. It's the kind of trashy, distasteful music and TV shows that make you want to puke but still have you coming back for more. So what is it about these things that are so revolting yet so appealing? It can’t be the beauty. The only reason you watch The Bachelor is because you can’t let your roommate watch it by herself. Come on! That’s just sad. You have to watch it with her for moral support, and it has nothing to do with the All-American Texas hunk who is blonde... and tan.... and beautiful. Obviously that’s too superficial for your level of intellectual depth. You’re there for moral support. Only moral support. Actually, there must be something that attracts people to these third-rate genres of trash. If this can give the healthiest, most straight-shooting of your friends a mild Bieber Fever, there must be some strong, inexplicable force behind it that makes us ill. And not even the good “I’m sick enough to get out of class but healthy enough to go to Joe Mama’s and get completely wasted” kind of ill. This is the horrifying “Why can’t I turn off the AMAs?” kind of ill. When your roommate turns on the AMAs, VMAs, or some other trashy awards show, you try to walk away. But despite your best efforts, you find yourself sitting through the entire thing, bitching about how Nicki Minaj won Best Rap Artist when you know Macklemore is so much better. Then you go on about how the stupid people who run these shows don’t know good music even if it backhands them across the face. And when your roommate gets annoyed and says, “Fine. We’ll just turn it off,” you, being the wonderful roommate you are, say, “No. I know you really want to watch this. We’ll keep it on for you.” There’s nothing like passing off the blame to condescendingly mask your shameful
addiction, but The Black Sheep knows. We know you are dying to see if T-Swift finally wins that Artist of the Year award she deserves so much. It’s a horrible illness, and, unfortunately, we have no cure. There is only prevention. Sign up for a “Shitty Pop Culture” detoxification session at the nearest rehab and stay the hell away from any mainstream media source. We may not know what causes this “Taylor Swift Effect” or any other guilty pleasure phenomena, but we do know one thing: we must band together to free ourselves from its grasp. It’s time to take a stand against pop culture. We must do it now… or maybe next semester. With prespring break midterms around the corner, we might need a little trashy escapism. Besides, Dance Moms is getting really intense, and you have to watch it, you know, for your roommate. She'll need all the moral support she can get watching all those “tiger mom” cat fights. Yeah. That’s it. After that we’ll take a stand.
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
ways to mess up on spring break
Every year thousands of students flee the halls of academia and dive liver-first into the boozesoaked, sun-drenched frenzy of spring break. But only a handful of these kids actually get it right. Don’t hold back; let your friendly guides at The Black Sheep help you master the art of shameless hedonism and properly fuck up your spring break. Like a total badass. 10.) Create an Alias: You’re about to be on some beach far away from home surrounded by highlyimpressionable drunks who’ll believe anything you say. Bradley Simpleton: chemistry major and bottle cap collector isn’t going to get any kind of play in Panama. Scott Takin O’Shit, however, is living it up. You can do whatever you want this week… why spend it being your boring old self? 9.) Create a Spring Break Playlist: You and your posse can’t be rolling up to the scene that top-40 radio drivel. Who are you going to take more seriously: the guys parked at the beach with Taylor Swift screaming about god-knows-what? Or the badasses blasting “All Gold Everything” without a single thing of gold on? We’ll wait. 8.) Get Ratchet: We’d be lying if we said we at The Black Sheep didn’t appreciate all things ratchet, and what’s more ratchet than spring break? You can be “well behaved” and “polite” any week of the year. This week, take that shot, get naked, and twerk on anything that makes eye contact with you. Do it for the ratchets and who haven’t came out yet.
Which Morgantown Bar is the Right Place for You?
7.) Get a Tattoo: Who’s going to be walking around the beach with a tattoo gun and SpongeBob towel other than a professional badass? Do yourself the favor; get the tattoo. 6.) Pick a Fight: So you’re making your way to the dance floor and some prick bumps into you. Sure, the place is reasonably crowded and he totally apologized. But you’re not here to be nice, you’re here to make an ass of yourself. You may not have a good reason to start swinging blindly, but then again a badass doesn’t fucking need one. If you win, go home and tell everyone about it. If you lose, go home and tell everyone you won. They have no proof you didn’t.
Tiffany Benson wrote this You’ve written all your papers, taken all your tests, and nodded off in all your classes. It’s been a long week, and it’s finally Friday night. You’re ready to get your drink on and need to decide where to go. But there are so many places in Morgantown to go, how do you decide? Well, if you’re into the scene that features guys with pants around their knees, you enjoy Waka Flocka, Machine Gun Kelly, and Tyga, then Lux is the place for you. It’s one of the most popular clubs in Motown and therefore always has a two hour wait on the weekends. The bouncers have to be tough because of all the people; so don’t feel too bad if you get patted down before marching through the door. It’ll happen to everyone not wearing a skintight dress. It’s one of the larger clubs, hosting three floors and bars to accommodate the wastoids in each. But what if you hate going to places that everyone else goes to, rap music makes you sick, and if you see one more girl with a Snooki poof you’re going to smash your head through a wall? 123 Pleasant Street is for you. It’s for those who rebel against mainstream culture but still want to have that good time with more than a few beers. The music is mostly alternative, new, and supports a lot of local artists. Its rustic old railroad station vibe hosts more of the hippie rocker crowd, because that’s the kind of person that hangs out at old railroad stations, not homeless people. If you’re that athlete who can’t get along with the hardcore clubbing or that person who
wants to just hang out without getting dressed up, then High Street Billiards is the place for you. It has all the essentials for a night of just chilling. It has pool tables and darts for those who think they can shark a local out of a few bucks, great food to munch on while you’re getting hammered, and a dance floor that you can embarrass yourself on (after you got hammered.) Bent Willey’s is for the more sophisticated 21 and up crowd. All of the freshman drama and throwing up is not allowed here. Bent Willey’s is the largest and most popular place on campus. If you enjoy themed nights and true ragers, it’s the place for you. You walk past Lux and Bent’s and see the lines. You’re not waiting in those lines. Then you see The Cue with all of the guys in sport jackets heading inside. You head around the corner to see some dudes with funky-colored hair and leather jackets at 123, so that’s a no. Where can you go? The Cellar. Head downstairs into the basement, grab a pitcher of beer for a quarter and ride the bar or sit down in a booth. You’re that reject who didn’t fit into anywhere else, and that’s perfectly ok. The Cellar is that free-forall bar that’s appreciated because everyone’s welcome and it has all the music your little heart can desire. If none of the above are for you, maybe you’re just better off pounding back that brain brew at Wise Library on a Friday night. It won’t get you drunk, but hey, at least it’ll…it’ll… okay, we’re not entirely sure how to finish that thought.
5.) Camera Time: This is your moment. With every flash we want you there sticking your tongue out or flipping someone off. When these people go home and look through their phone and ask themselves “who’s that weirdo in the back?” 4.) Enter a Wet T-shirt Contest: Ladies, regardless of whether you’re a member of The Itty-BittyTitty Committee or chair of the May-I-Squeeze Association we say let them be free. It’s fucking hot down there… plus you get to keep the shirt. 3.) Be A Slut: Sure, she looks like a foot and you could probably swing from her armpit hair, but at this moment W.W.J.D.: What Would Juicy J Do? Since he doesn’t say no to ratchet pussy we advise you not to either. 2.) Make a Harlem Shake Video: Why the hell not? Just get over yourself and jump on the bandwagon. 1.) Enjoy Yourself: Goddamnit, college is rough and you deserve a little break. Make memories with your friends and do things you never thought you would. Just… try to make it back to campus in one piece. Or not. Whatever. We really don’t care.
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite drunk food in Morgantown? “Rusted Musket. It’s the best when you’re drunk.” - Kalee C.
“SandwichU. A Fat Bitch is only good when hammered.” - Heather W.
“IHOP if I can make it all the way there. It’s always an adventure because it’s far away...might as well be in Africa.” - Tiet
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY! Happy Hour 5-8pm: 2 for 1 everything Food buffet! Featuring wings, pizza, pasta, meatballs, corndogs and more!
Friday: $5 Happy Hour Buffet (5 - 8pm) $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Mixed Drinks $6 Domestic Pitchers Team Trivia @ 8pm
FRIDAY! “Gage” Playing Live! $0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
Everyday Specials! $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
THUR. 3/7
BRING IT ON THURSDAY! 10-12: Jack, Captain, Smirnoff, Bacardi and Miller Lite 12-cl: $3 Jack, Captain, Smirnoff, Bacardi and $2 Bottles
“Live Music Thursdays” $2 Bud Light Mug Night $3 Quesadillas Buy One Get One Shots
Beer & Champagne Special 9pm - 11pm $2 Bottles & Mixed Drinks, $3 Bombs After 11
$1 Vodka Drinks $1 Drafts
FRI. 3/8
Happy Hour 5-8pm: 2 for 1 everything Food buffet! Featuring wings, pizza, pasta, meatballs, corndogs and more!
$5 Happy Hour Buffet (5 - 8pm) $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Mixed Drinks $6 Domestic Pitchers Team Trivia @ 8pm
“Gage” Playing Live! $0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
Ladies Night! $5 Select Martinis $1 Rail for Ladies after 9pm
SAT. 3/9
7-10: Team Trivia $5 pizzas and pitchers Play to win great prizes! Watch all you UFC PPV here!
“Ladies Night” Ladies: $1 Mixed Drinks (9 - Close) $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Shots, $3 Bombs
2-4-1 Drinks
Happy Hour 4-8pm $3 Jameson $5 Select Martinis
SUN. 3/10
Sunday Funday! $2 Bottles, $3 Drinks, $3 Any Shot, $4 Redbull Bombs all day! Karaoke 9-1
$5 Family Style Sunday Buffet $2 Domestic Drafts $6 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 Jack, Jameson, Captain, Honey, & Fireball
2-4-1 Everything!
Closed. But we will be open on St. Patty’s Day!
MON. 3/11
Bucket Night 5 for $10 Domestic Buckets and .35 Wings
25¢ Boneless Wings 35¢ Wings $1.50 Domestic Drafts
Closed
Closed. Follow us on Twitter at https://twitter.com/ RockTopNights
TUES. 3/12
Bud Light Fight Night! Watch the Ultimate Fighter and Enter to Win Tix to UFC 159 $2 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $5 Bud/ Bud Light Pitchers and $3 Knockout Punch
“Tequila Tuesdays” $1 Tacos, $2 Coronas $2 Margaritas $6 Margarita Pitchers $2 Tequila Shots (All Night)
Closed
http://www.facebook. com/RocktopNights
WED. 3/13
BPM Night;18 to party, 21 to drink; Doors open at 11pm; $2 Beer and $2 Mixed Drinks; DJ Dylan Lopez and DJ Affy playing the hottest EDM hits!
$5 Italian Style Buffet $2.50 Jager Bombs (All Night) $6 Domestic Pitchers
9pm - 11pm: Jack, Jim, Captain, and Absolut Specials $5 Cover
Everyday $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Kid Next Door with Ukulele to Go on Open-Mic Night Tour tbs staff wrote this MORGANTOWN, WV — Freshman Brandon Lewis announced Sunday night via Tumblr.com that he’s taking his musical talents on tour this spring semester. Lewis’ solo project, Never Shout Neighbor, will debut next Thursday at Blue Moose Cafe. The popular monthly open-mic night has produced countless legendary performances, such as Linda-Ann Plath’s dramatic, poetic reading of the ingredients for vegan lasagna, and local favorite The Bowties’ acoustic cover of YouTube Profile xXMaggiexXxMayhemXx’s cover of Fall Out Boy’s cover of Michael Jackson’s song “Beat It.” “Never Shout Neighbor started out in high school,” Lewis said. “I have like, so many videos of me playing my songs on YouTube that have over like, one-hundred views and stuff.” After releasing his E.P. Broken Hearts & Broken Strings exclusively on his Tumblr.com blog last month, Lewis has seen an increase in followers on the popular social site. “Yeah, I mean, like, I’ve gotten so many new followers over the past month. I totally got like, two in one hour once. It was great.” Despite his recent Internet success, social media hasn’t always been kind to the Ukulele star. On his YouTube page, Lewis has faced numerous counts of “trolling.” On August 21, 2011, EagleBaller54 wrote, “Yo bitch grow sum balls lol.” “Whatever, I always knew I had what it took to become a YouTube star, but like, no one ever gave me the chance…” Lewis said, holding back some tears. “My mom always believed in me though. She knew I could do it.” As a photography major at WVU, Lewis has found much lyrical inspiration in nature while out shooting for projects. “Sometimes you just look at a tree and just see the beauty of the heart and love and the sun and stuff, you know?” Lewis mentioned, as he tuned his ukulele.
When asked about tour, Lewis said much planning went into the process. “I emailed so many managers at coffee shops and like, had friends show them links and stuff. It’s tough to get, but I’m headlining a lot of nights, so it’s obviously a huge breakthrough for me.” “The lyrics in his songs really reflect his personality,” friend Ally Benson admitted. “Like, that one line he sings about the girl he likes in that new song, ‘Sentimental Heart.’ It really speaks a lot about his original and authentic character. Nobody has emotions quite like him.” “What this kid really brings to the table is his quirky attitude and appearance,” Haley Cox, a totally credible twelve-year-old music critic, said on her blog. “The way he wears his bowties and suspenders really makes the music all the more better. Like a more hipster member of One Direction.” Lewis, often seen wearing fancy clothing and the occasional fedora, says that his choice of clothing style is “just like, a representation of the seriousness of reaching [his] goals as a musician. Also, it’s just so totally cool to do.” Receiving much acclaim for his spirited live performances, Lewis is excited to take his music down the road (about a block or two). “Live performances are where I really come alive,” claimed the youthful little shit. “Sometimes I shoot a wink at a pretty girl and dedicate a song to her. It’s a real treat for them.” The four-chord musician says he plans to play all six of his new songs about his only ex-girlfriend every night. “She broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” Lewis said. With lines like, “You broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” from his new single “These Tears Are For You,” Brandon “Taylor Swift” Lewis reaches more than just the ears of the grade-school girls listening, but also touches their immature,
inexperienced hearts. Never Shout Neighbor will play three dates next month, starting at Blue Moose Cafe, playing a 3 p.m. Monday afternoon show in the SoZo, then concluding his debut tour by performing outside of Jay’s Daily Grind on the Lair. When asked about Lewis’ music, his roommate Mark Hatteson simply said, “Jesus Christ.” When asked about Lewis’ plan to take his music on a campus wide open-mic night tour, Hatteson followed up, saying, “My god.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
career fair ends early when student offered every job TBS staff wrote this Twice a year, West Virginia University campus is filled with hopeful sounds, sights, and smells of career fair season. Freshly printed resumes flutter happily in the wind, high heels clatter down the sidewalks of High Street with their pencil-skirted owners, and burgeoning young businessmen sweat profusely under their father’s hand-me-down blazers. This March, however, these festivities were brought to an abrupt close as a female finance and accounting major with minors in marketing and Spanish reportedly took all of the jobs at the career fair (or at least the ones anyone would want). For safety reasons, her name has been omitted from the article. Justin Heanue, our Black Sheep business correspondent and frequent contributor for CNBC was at the scene. “It was really quite remarkable,” he told us, “[The girl] cut a swath through the entire fair. One by one, each stand simply began turning away prospective applicants and packing up their kiosks shortly after speaking with her. First it was J.P. Morgan, then Chase soon followed suit. Pricewaterhouse Coopers was the third to go, and at that point it was just chaos. A recruiter from Teach for America tried to handcuff the student to her table as the representatives from Pepsi showered her with free hats and pens. Building security was called to escort [the girl] from the Mountainlair Ballrooms and were nearly mobbed as recruiters from every company made a frantic rush to hand her a business card, shake her hand, or steal a lock of her hair.
It was really something.” The career fair ended at twelve-fifteen PM; it had started at noon. Once the dust had settled, The Black Sheep tracked down some of the recruiters to hear their side of the story. Lidia from Deloitte told us, “I’ve been a recruiter for ten years and I’ve never seen a resume like that. I don’t even know how she fit all of her credentials on it—she must have invented her own font to keep her resume on one page. And the paper – oh, the paper! I’ve never felt stationary like that. It felt like it was made of cat fur and clouds. I think I’ll call her right now to see if she’s made a decision.” Bob, a representative from J.P. Morgan, spoke a bit about his impressions. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. According to her resume, she has been valedictorian of her high school for the past three years. She ran an animal shelter in her town one summer while acing a full course load of accounting classes at a local community college. This was in eighth grade. Her handshake nearly took my arm off. And she’s, like, super hot. Wait. Scratch that last thing I said. No the thing about me saying she’s hot. Everything I said after the hot thing until now. Yes, including this. Ugh, never mind.” In a brief interview with [the girl], we asked if she has any tips for her peers who are still trying so hard to find employment. She told us, “It’s easy to find a job! You just have to be yourself and all the
companies will offer you money and free iPads. As one can imagine, students aren’t quite as excited as [name redacted] about their future prospects. All around campus, outraged students from all schools and majors are voicing their frustration. “Why is she even here? This school isn’t that good. Go to Harvard, you weirdo,” said Chris Gray, freshman agriculture major. “She was offered a graphic design job that I got snubbed for, and she’s not even an art student. What a bitch,” said senior graphic design major, Lucia Mandarino. “I’ll never amount to anything,” said senior economics and finance major, Bill Cauley, as tears streamed down his sullen face, “I’m a big loser and I’ll never have a real job.” Well, congratulations, [name redacted]. We at The Black Sheep are sure we speak for everyone when we say, thanks a lot for making everybody else look bad. Enjoy your bright future of success and financial security, you horrible monster.
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week mike gibbie's Why should you drink at this bar: There are lots of students, great bands, and a great low-key atmosphere. It’s great if you’re looking to get away from the club scene. Most popular drink ordered: Probably vodka and cranberry.
Craziest thing ever happened while you were bartending: One night, two lesbians were fist fighting on who would take another girl home. What are your plans for spring break: I’m just staying around Morgantown.
Best nights to come drink: Tuesdays for our beer deals, Friday and Saturdays, but Saturdays when The Soul Miners play are the best.
What’s the best way to get a bartender’s attention: You have to tip the bartenders well and then you will be remembered. Next time your order will be first.
Favorite drink to make: My favorite drink to make is Captain and Coke because it is my favorite to drink.
Most popular shot sold at Gibbie’s: We get a lot of people asking for Jameson shots and Fireball shots.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
beeropoly
Politically Correct Puppy Chow
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue.
It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you’re drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm.
What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
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What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
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The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test
Spring break is just over the horizon and college students the nation over are plunking down what little coin they have to make sure they’ll remember practically none of it. Well, The Black Sheep refuses to stand aside and watch college students waste buku bucks on inferior beverages.
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While many of the aforementioned beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bikini bottoms, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will be flying off the shelves faster than Plan B. So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.
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The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged: #1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch
Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.
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#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry
#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry
Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3
Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age
Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.
Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma -- a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.
Lemonade
When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?
4.5
4
Lemonade
Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.
3.5
3
#5: Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite
#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
#6: Mike’s Hard Limeade
Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6
Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.
Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.
#6: Mike’s Hard margarita Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.
#8: Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.
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1.5
Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.
#9: Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.
#10: Mike’s Hard winter blackberry Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-year-old chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.
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