The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 7 • 4/3/13 - 4/17/13
du rin Fre g t e... he like jo ho bs yo w yo un u ev wo er rk re ed al ly ha d.
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how to bs your way through a Summer Résumé Gwen Wygal wrote this
With bank account balances struggling to stay in the double digits, every student here at WVU is itching for a summer job. There’s only one problem:most of our résumés are blank. While MIX accounts are filled with “résumé building workshop” reminders, students would just rather BS a résumé than actually find real substance to put on one. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has some quick tips to dazzle your future employers without having to do anything at all. Do you own a computer? Congratulations, you’re a skilled typist: Let’s be honest, we’re a generation that sees working a keyboard as second nature. Thanks to instant messengers, social networking, and texting, we’ve all put our typing to the test, punching at keys like wildfire. Not to mention, after all of those seemingly endless philosophy papers we have all become typing phenoms, so why not boast about our talents? After all of those years of constructing break-up texts and Facebook statuses, you deserve it. That one time in 8th grade when you became CPR certified: Remember locking lips with the plastic mannequin, punching them in the sternum, and yelling for help? It was one of the most horrifying moments of middle school, right after the time that your parents decided to sit you down and discuss penises and vaginas. For years, that little certification card has collected dust in your wallet. Having never put the skill to use, what can you do with it now? While you could resuscitate the drunkard you found on High Street, using it as résumé filler will work just as well. Great communication skills (on Xbox LIVE): This one is for all of the wallflowers. By day, you sit in the back of the lecture hall, confine yourself to a corner in the Lair, and speak to no one on the PRT. However, by night, you’re swearing up a storm on your headset, working with your team to blow everyone else to smithereens. You shouldn’t be punished for being socially awkward, so go ahead and say you’re great at communicating; no one has to know you mean in video games. Capable of working with both Apple and Windows…sort of: If you study on the ground floor of the library, you’re a Mac user. If
How to Tell if Your Landlord is Actually An Evil Overlord
you study on the 4th floor, you’re a Windows user. When Club Lib is bumping, though, you have to learn to work with something that isn’t your preference. In this way, WVU has subconsciously equipped us to be well-rounded when it comes to using different Internet browsers. Yay, technology! Experience is experience, so go ahead and slap that one on there. Use references who will praise your greatness: Overachievers have a long list of references that are willing and able to boost them into respectable and well-paying jobs. Unfortunately, that’s not you.
what'’s inside
Five types of annoying men at Wvu
with our tips, you’ll be able to figure out if your next landlord is the antichrist.
unlike women, most men are annoying and not perfect.
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Instead, you’re going to need to use blackmail. For example, you’re the only one who knows your neighbor is hooking up with their best friend’s boyfriend. She may loathe your existence, but if it means you keeping quiet about their twosome, she should have wonderful things to say about you. A résumé is the first thing an employer sees about you, and if you’re not prepared it’ll be hard to set yourself apart from all the rest. Just remember, if your résumé is bare, exaggerating and telling a white lie are both skills, and in this instance, you should use them.
The rats you’ll find in the gym Hopefully not actual rats, but more like the grunting d-bag rat.
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page two campus manager Maddi Blankenship
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky Emily Zapach
Founders Jacob Lash, Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky
Writers Allyson Parrish, Tiffany Benson photographer Arthur Hartman distribution manager Danielle Dorris social media manager Michael Mozer promotions manager Morgan Farr
campus director Brendan Bonham
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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How to Tell if Your Landlord is Actually an Evil Overlord Tiffany Benson wrote this There are eight weeks of school left and it’s time to start thinking into the future. Currently, students are signing up for next year’s classes, and the next thing students think about is where they’re going to live when they’re back in good ole’ Morgantown. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones and don’t have to get a new place year-to-year, finding a new place to call home is a hassle. If an apartment’s scummy, it sucks, but it can be remedied. Far worse is a bad landlord. Whether she outlaws parties at your place, or he won’t fix the whole, “large bloodstain on the carpet” problem, a shitty landlord makes an otherwise fine living situation untenable. We’re here to help you discover the first signs that your potential landlord is the antichrist. If he reschedules your visiting appointment more than once, you’re in for trouble. We understand people are busy, but if he wants to provide a student with housing then he has to make time to show kids around a place infested with numerous rare slime molds. If he’s not even concerned about scheming some poor college kids out of their parents’ money, then why would he be concerned with anything else? Old habits die hard. When your water isn’t working he’ll say he’ll be there at 3:30 to check it out. Then he’ll call two minutes before he’s supposed to arrive to reschedule for the next day. It gets pushed to the next day and the next day while you have to go on your first date with that hot chick from psychology smelling like a trash can. If a prospective landlord has bad hygiene, this is another bad sign. If he won’t take an extra hour out of his day to shower and brush his teeth, he’s not going to be concerned when you didn‘t know not to put the aluminum foil from your drunken excursion burrito in the microwave. Basically, the condition of the place you’re renting will reflect how the landlord composes himself. If he won’t make sure he has clean clothes on, why would he make sure your new place has been disinfected and vacuumed? No one wants an ogre making candles out of his ear wax as a landlord. If the landlord’s arrogant, run away. If you meet the guy and he interrupts you or says snobbish things like, “Well, my last renters were stingy with their money.” then he’s going to cause some major problems down the road. He’ll be too good to fix a leaky sink or call an exterminator when cockroaches the size of your dog come crawling through your bedroom. However, he will end up overcharging you $200 for that $30 screen door he picked up from Lowe’s.
A good landlord that does not make. Just because he looks like Al Pacino doesn’t mean he’s cool. Anyone in a really expensive suit or fancy car is just out to get your money. He’s one of those getrich-quick schemers who hides his drugs in your walls so when you leave town for the weekend and come back your place is loaded with cops. Take your time, make your appointments to visit with the landlord, and look for the above signs to avoid screwing yourself in next year’s living arrangement. Stay away from dirty arrogant mafia men who will let you rent places that give you infectious diseases, grow bugs that will eat you in your sleep, and are used as drug storage facilities. Happy hunting.
now hiring!
If he’s sketchy, don’t put pen to paper on that lease. If he has a gold tooth, a diamond-studded cane, and won’t directly answer your questions, he’s almost certainly part of the Morgantown mafia.
Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Dumbest things to say to a vegetarian
Being vegetarian has become a fad lately, especially with the countless sheeple bragging about grazing Tally-Ho’s pastures. Clearly, being a vegetarian is hard. Omnivores give us all sorts of judgmental beef about it. So next time you have a hot date and decide to surprise her with late-night delivery, don’t let her timid request for Texas Toast fool you. Be suave and make a good impression by avoiding the following: 10.) “How do you get protein?” Unless you’re a doctor or mother, you do not get to ask this question. If your date does not look malnourished or dead, she’s fine. 9.) “So you’re a vegan?” When did the word vegan ever come up? A vegetarian is a vegetarian. And they say that not to play some crazy mind game with you. It’s because they’re actually a vegetarian. Not a vegan. 8.) “Should I not be eating this in front of you?” It’s good that you’re trying to be sensitive, but the situation is a lot more awkward now than if you had obliviously carried on. Nobody will actually tell you to stop eating your chicken. And if your date tells you to stop, she’s a bitch. In that case, you should dump her.
five Types
of Annoying Men at WVU Allyson Parrish wrote this One always hears women saying, “All guys are the same! Blah, blah, blah!” That’s not true. There are many different types of men, and there is a certain subset of men that make you doubt humanity’s ability to survive the long haul. It’s no surprise that here at WVU, many of these, shall we say interesting, outliers exist. The Beef Patty: He looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime; his muscles bulging out so far you think he’s going to pop. You’ll only ever spot this guy at the SRC because he eats, sleeps and breathes lifting. Because of his myopic outlook on life, the Beef Patty can only hold a fiveminute conversation, anything that has a reflection will catch his attention, and he will soon be staring at himself with lust in his eyes. If you actually can get him to have a conversation with you, prepare to be bored out of your mind, because he will only be able to discuss working out, protein suppliments, and “masculine” body shaving tips. The Ted Mosby: This guy’s an overcompensating smarty-pants. He enjoys making others look dumb by publicly correcting grammar, pronunciations, even spelling. Being smart is good, attractive even, but this man makes it a point to show the entire world that he is the most intelligent being on the face of the earth. At WVU, he can be found in the library; looking through millions of books and browsing the Internet to find information that will prove his professors wrong about anything and everything. He’ll let you, and everyone on campus, know that you’re simply an idiot because you type “dis” instead of “this” on your Twitter update. Well, that is pretty stupid. The Flamboyant Straight: He is often mistaken for a gay man; however, he’s still a few colors short of a rainbow. He’s just the straight guy who
missed his seat on the train to Stereotype Town. He’s obnoxious, loud, and uses “like” more than the average Valley Girl. At WVU, you see this guy hanging out in the Mountainlair with a bunch of girls. At first you may think he’s just a creep trying to get into one of their pants, but as soon as you hear his conversation you realize that he’s definitely friend-zoned, but he’s only in it for the mani-pedi anyway. The Rebel: He’s the most common specimen found in West Virginia. He sports the jacked-up truck with the rebel flag plastered on the back. He can be seen walking around on campus with his steel-toed work boots and all-cameo everything. His major is agriculture because he just loves being outside and working on farms. Morgantown is the biggest city he will ever step foot in, because “them city slickers are just so rude for not saying ‘scuse me.” If he sees a black guy, he’ll silently whisper to himself, “The South will rise again.” No, sir, it really won’t. The Pig: At WVU, the pigs are often found in fraternities preying on innocent freshmen girls. Pigs see women as objects and use them as such, throwing them on the street in the morning like trash. Downtown on the weekends, he’s the guy who prowls in the shadows until he spots the wasted slutty girl with obvious daddy issues; then he goes in for the kill. He loves himself more than anything, and he’ll let you know that too. Every word that comes out of his mouth is about him… or boobs. Just because these guys are annoying doesn’t mean you should ostracize them from society. Seeing them in college shows they are on the path of change. It may take a while, but that glorious day will come when they’re not totally insufferable toolbags.
7.) “Do you eat hamburgers?” If you ask this question seriously you should be beaten over the head with a dictionary for evidently forgetting the definition for either “vegetarian” or “hamburger.” If you asked it as a joke you will not be getting a second date. Even if you meant veggie burgers, get a grip. It’s called, “thinking before speaking.” 6.) “I have a friend who’s a vegetarian!” Again, it’s great that you’re trying to be nice, but the only place that this conversation can go is right into the ground. The only real response they could come up with here would be “…cool…” and if you’re lucky maybe a question afterward. But don’t count on that because it would take the focus off of the vegetarian in front of you, which, after all, completely defeats the purpose of being a vegetarian. 5.) “I could never be vegetarian.” Then don’t be one. On a side note, self-defeating statements always make a good first impression. 4.) “I tried that, but I missed bacon too much.” This is similar to the last statement. It’s cool that you’ve tried being a veggie, but as soon as you mention that you missed steak, bacon, or whatever tickles your fancy, you are going to lose the interest of any vegetarian. Believe it or not, they are still vegetarian and likely can’t relate to that. 3.) “You’re missing out!” You’d think that a vegetarian would be aware of what they’re missing due to the fact that they chose to go down the herbivore road. This statement, undoubtedly, will not resonate with them at all, and will result in a judgmental look and (even more likely) an end to your clearly fabulous date. Don’t count on a SnapChat later. 2.) “So you think animals are better than people?“ Vegetarians don’t eat people. What is this, Soylent Green? 1.) “Do you eat animal crackers?” Ding ding ding! Do we have a winner? If you ask this you are either an asshole or an idiot. Survey says... both!
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your craziest St. Paddy's Day memory in Morgantown? “I walked into Mutt’s Place with a full purse of Natty Light and drank them without being kicked out! ” - Gabrielle M.
“Waking up at 8:30 a.m., making green eggs and ham and washing it down with a Natty Light.” - Jon M.
“I ran down Stewart Street blacked out in my boxers with ski goggles on, getting shot by a paintball gun. I had bruises all over my body for weeks.” - Taylor M.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Watch the Championship Game Monday Night! Buckets of Beer, $0.35 Wings and $3 Any Shot Including Top Shelf
Friday: $5 Happy Hour Buffet (5 - 8pm) $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Mixed Drinks $6 Domestic Pitchers Team Trivia @ 8pm
SATURDAY 4/6 ! “Candiflyp” Live on Stage Now Serving Food!
Everyday Specials! $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
THURSDAY
BRING ON THURSDAY! 10-12: Jack, Captain, Smirnoff, Bacardi and Drafts 12-cl: $3 Jack, Captain, Smirnoff, Bacardi and $2 Bottles
“Live Music Thursdays” $2 Bud Light Mug Night $3 Quesadillas Buy One Get One Shots
Beer & Champagne Special 9pm - 11pm $2 Bottles & Mixed Drinks, $3 Bombs After 11
$1 Vodka Drinks $1 Drafts
FRIDAY
Dj Yemi in the Club The 80s/90s Cover Band Double Dragons in The 80s Room!
$5 Happy Hour Buffet (5 - 8pm) $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Mixed Drinks $6 Domestic Pitchers Team Trivia @ 8pm
$0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
Ladies Night! $5 Select Martinis $1 Rail for Ladies after 9pm
SATURDAY
Watch the Final Four in the Red Zone! $0.25 cent wings and $0.25 drafts. Doors open at 4pm Pittsburgh’s Red Bull 3 Style Champ Petey C in the Club
“Ladies Night” Ladies: $1 Mixed Drinks (9 - Close) $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Shots, $3 Bombs
“Candiflyp” Live on Stage on April 6th! 2-4-1 Drinks
Happy Hour 4-8pm $3 Jameson $5 Select Martinis
SUNDAY
Sunday Funday! $2 Bottles, $3 Drinks and $3 Any Shot including Top Shelf Plus Karaoke 9-1 - No Cover!
$5 Family Style Sunday Buffet $2 Domestic Drafts $6 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 Jack, Jameson, Captain, Honey, & Fireball
$2 28oz Drafts and 25¢ Wings
Country Night $2 24oz PBR $3 Jim Beam
MONDAY
Watch the Championship Game! Buckets of Beer, $0.35 Wings and $3 Any Shot Including Top Shelf
25¢ Boneless Wings 35¢ Wings $1.50 Domestic Drafts
Closed
Everyday $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
TUESDAY
LIT Night on the Patio! $3 Long Island Ice Teas $3 24oz Cans
“Tequila Tuesdays” $1 Tacos, $2 Coronas $2 Margaritas $6 Margarita Pitchers $2 Tequila Shots (All Night)
Closed
Everyday $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
WEDNESDAY
BPM Night! 18 to party, 21 to drink 3 DJs Spinnin ’All Your Favorite EDM Hits
$5 Italian Style Buffet $2.50 Jager Bombs (All Night) $6 Domestic Pitchers
9pm - 11pm: Jack, Jim, Captain, and Absolut Specials $5 Cover
Everyday $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
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The Rats You’ll Find in the Gym
Ryan Petrovich wrote this
The Student Recreational Center at West Virginia University is a place where students can go to better their figures or blow off some steam after failing every exam they had that week. However, what students don’t want to deal with when they arrive are the intolerable regulars who crowd the gym, aka the gym rats. Listed below are a few different species you’ll want to avoid at the Student Recreational Center. The Grunter Rat: The grunter rat can be heard from even the furthest corner of the rec center; his veins and eyes bulge out of his skull as he roars. His battle cry can be heard after he finishes benching his new personal best, and though he’s thrilled, our ear drums could do without the shouting. Make sure you crank up that Ke$ha song when you pump iron because you’re gonna need it to drown out the vexatious melodies the grunter serenades the weight room with. The Wet Rat: When you leave the building you should be walking like the Mountaineer’s musket is stuck up your ass. However, there’s always that one gym rat that not only broke a sweat, but his sweat broke a sweat too. The wet rat looks like it just went through a damn car wash. If this rat is wearing a white t-shirt, then by the end of his workout he should have a “wet t-shirt contest champion 1st place” ribbon pinned to his chest. That transparent tee graces everyone’s eyes with the nipple-y presence of his man boobs. Don’t forget your rain boots, you’ll be splashing in puddles of sweat on the floor when the wet rat is there. The Tool Rat: He has a special place in our hearts because he’s the poster boy for stereotypical gym people everywhere. This rat thinks he’s the best of the best, and is the king of the weight room. This rat never wears sleeves on his Phi Kappa Psi shirt and makes sure everyone is aware of his bowling ball-sized biceps. Whether he’s flexing in the mirror or walking with his chest puffed obnoxiously far out, we’re all super-confident that although he’s built like a monster, he’s only compensating for the little monster hidden in his shorts. The tool rat will certainly be taking a personal mirror pic that’ll be uploaded onto his Instagram account as soon as he leaves the gym. Take this opportunity to photobomb the hell out of him.
The Expert Rat: Every rat thinks it knows what’s best for its body. This rat, though, knows what’s best for everyone’s body. You’re minding your own business, going through your regular routine, when you hear “Keep your back straight, you’re gonna hurt yourself!” You nod your head and keep going on with your workout when minutes later, “if you hold it longer you’ll see better results!” It’s the same rat with that same stupid smirk on his face. All you want to do is get through your workout, but this scientist just can’t keep his two cents in his pocket. Bring some pen and paper with you because the expert rat expects you to take notes. The student recreational center is crawling with all different sorts of rats and there is even more to add to the list. It wouldn’t be the same without these rodents, but that certainly doesn’t take away from the fact that they’re annoying as hell. Best advice to avoid these gym rats, stay home, crack open a Natty Light, play some pong or watch the game. Working out is overrated anyways.
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m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l G GAMES TheB IN K IN R D | ECIALS | BAR SP S E L IC T R A
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bartender of the week Mackenzie m. chic n' bones Favorite drink: Patron Silver, with salt and lime of course.
on top of the bar involving whipped cream. We love whipped cream!
Favorite drinking game: Any card game.
Favorite type of customer: One that is patient and knows how to tip!
Favorite drunk food: Bent Willey’s pizza and French fries.
How to get noticed while waiting on a drink: Wait patiently, patience is a virtue.
Best thing about working at Chic n’ Bones: My coworkers! They keep things interesting and keep me sane.
Do you drink while working: Come in and find out!
Craziest drunken story: A girl going into our kitchen and peeing on an empty keg, thinking it was the bathroom. Craziest thing that’s happened while working: Drunken fights and body shots
the drinking game:
Least favorite drink to make: Trash Cans Advice to anyone reading this: Please tip your bartenders and servers! They work hard to make sure you have a good time!
recipe for disaster:
Go Drunken Fish
mom’s homemade wasted pizza
While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.
You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.
What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.) Cook Time: About 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go. - Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees). - Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees. - Spread the tomato sauce over the dough. - Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more. - Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts. - Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.
How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.
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When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.
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l l a e r ’ e W
! ! ! e i d o t g n i o g rewrite A Tale to re e w s n e ick e end of times.” If D d n e e th ession with th s s a b w o r it u , s o e d m n a ti , ake ystem orst of y’re sure to m ive political s , it was the w e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o m g t u s lo s e n this techno “It was the b time. the big scree note bitchin’ g n ’d ti e h it , h 3 Pickles, in no s 1 ie r. 0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie d it ig a C e e our d these of Two the sky with y e us? Look at v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n o ty D ol’ kit of days. an and Quinn e living in the d b n l ’l re u B o y y b k n in e Writt you th
Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating intergalactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens
are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight.” Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was dead-set on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almostspoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter,
we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat.
What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.” Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people. That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s
World war z June 21st
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).”
population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for first-world nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks all an unhappy peasant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours.
Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
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