The Black Sheep
F st ree. on .. l er ike ’s 4/2 sign 0 p in et g a iti on .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 8 • 4/18/13 - 5/1/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
how to be mistaken for a student athlete Allyson Parrish wrote this
Student athletes have been getting away with everything since P.E. teachers let them indiscriminately wedgie nerds in middle school. We long to be in the group that gets away with murder (of the atomic variety) but, sadly, most of us aren’t good enough to compete athletically at the college level. But don’t worry, The Black Sheep can help all Mountaineers feel like student athletes at WVU with a few simple steps. Step 1, Clothes: If you just so happen to have an infinite number of WVU sweat suits lying around your tiny dorm room, then you’re already one step ahead. You might as well throw away every other article of clothing you own, because from now on you’ll be wearing nothing but too-big grey and yellow sweaters with matching, stained sweatpants. If you don’t own any sweat suits, then you need to order some, pronto. Tell your parents you need them for studying; they’ll believe anything. Step 2, The Backpack: You’ve seen the backpacks they carry on campus: black, sports team and number sewn in with the little lanyard tag. It’s really not hard to get your grubby little hands on a similar-looking one. Get on Amazon and buy a big black backpack. Who knows, the seller may even be able to stitch something like “Quidditch Team, Bludger #4” on it. That would be real fancy. Then, put the final touches on that bad boy by getting that lanyard! If you go with the Quidditch idea, then put a picture of a snitch on it with your number. You’ll fit right in. Step 3, The Walk: You know how slowly sloths move? Well, mimic that. Oh, you have to get to class in a hurry? Doesn’t matter. You MUST keep your roll slow. Not “grandma” slow; no, grandma is much faster. You have to walk so slow that it takes you at least 45 minutes to get from Woodburn to the Lair. Not only must you walk very slowly, but you must also do it with the right kind of attitude. Men, you must keep your head down; not so low that you look like an emo kid, but low enough so people know you’re cool. You must always keep your hands either in your hoodie pocket or in your pants pocket and, for the love of God, wear headphones. If you see a friend walking by, never take your hands out and wave; just giving a nod suffices. Homeboy will understand what’s up. Women, you need to walk like you are the biggest badass in Morgantown. You must puff out your shoulders, keep your head high and walk like you have swag. Embody a guy who thinks he’s hot shit and you have it down. Step 4, The Posse: This is the toughest step. You must sneak your way into their crowd. You see them sitting at the long tables in the Mountainlair, having a way better time than anyone else trudging through there. Your goal is to sit at those tables. They only talk to their kind, so you must learn to blend in and act like one of them: a “monkey see, monkey do” situation. Gradually start sitting
The Super Powers Your Get When You’re Drunk
at their table, cracking jokes about other, shittier athletes. When they get up to go to class, walk with them in their slow, massive group to class. If they ask, say you’re a freshman or a transfer; they won’t get too suspicious. If you have a class with an athlete, sit by them. You’ll come into class with them late anyway. Eventually you’ll have them eating out of the palm of your hand, and you’ll be sitting at their tables in no time. The life! As long as you follow these four simple steps, then you will have everyone thinking that you are a hotshot student athlete. Don’t let it get to your head too much, though. It would be really awkward to show up to football practice when you aren’t really on the team.
what'’s inside
Top 10: Things to Do in Lecture Besides Listen
420 Blaze It: An 8th Grader’s First Time Getting High
Remember, with great intoxication comes great responsibility.
Some alternatives to taking your education seriously.
Your first time hitting that blunt? Oh, to be that young again!
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