The Lemon Press – Issue 22 by The Lemon Press

My PE Teacher in school was a part-time DJ called Physical Ed

Contents

From the Editors

As 2014 draws to a shuddering close the time of yuletide bollocks looms large. Christmas decorations litter the land and an uncomfortable chill hangs in the air. Apparently ‘tis the season to be jolly, but we here at The Lemon Press find it far more fun to remain miserable and make snide remarks about just about anything and everything- hence the little gem nestled in your hands right now. This particular issue is something of an oddity as we’ve somehow managed to secure the sponsorship of several valued partners. Offers of haircuts, fast food and most importantly of all booze are inside for your perusal. Consequently the production team has been imbued with a new sense of professionalism tempered by a wealth of recently discovered business acumen. The welcome addition to our perennially dry coffers is also a good thing. Some people may say we’ve sold out to the man. They’d be right. And also, fuck those people. In other news we’re full of the standard fare this issue. Our valiant men and women in the field have cobbled together a host of campus scuttlebutt. Our foreign correspondents have been lapping up the sun in the exotic climbs of wherever else exists outside of Yorkshire- Lancashire perhaps- all in order to report on the news and politics of the moment. The few members of the team who have what could loosely be described as a life have been beavering away on our lifestyle section. That one chap who I met on the bus the other day says he’s done features for this issue. And then there are the arts and science/tech sections. We don’t talk about those. In other words it’s the same old shite. Still, we’d like to think its mildly amusing shite at that. Feel free to write us if you are dissatisfied, or if you just want to remember what using stamps feels like. Because who actually still writes letters, you weirdo?

The Editors

Campus

p 4-8

Incoherent Rambling

News

p 10-17

Features

p 18-19

Arts

p 20-23

Lifestyle

p 10-12

SciTech

p 25-27

Sport

p 28

Taylor Swift Cutout

p 29

Poetry/Horoscopes

p 31

The People Who Produced This Travesty Editors: Billy Blake and Jake Roper Deputy Editors: Alex Lusty and Branden Lynn Campus Editors: Bella Hall & Tom Butler News and Politics Editors: Callum Gearing and Gabriel Bramley Lifestyle Editors: Ananna Zaman and Florence Grant Sports Editor: Rob Brett Features Editor: Rebecca Zack Arts Editors: Greg Waddell & Louis Jani Science/Technology Editors: Pasky Miranda & Callum Sharp Chair: Tom Davies Treasurer: Jonathan Legrand Secretary: Ananna Zaman

"A masterclass in satire."

Sub-Editor: Dean Bennell If you'd like to write for us for some reason send an email to: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Come with me, and you'll see, into a world of pure procrastination...

Contents

My housemate ranked me her third least favourite

"Student housing at it's finest."

Lamberts in Cross Dressing Controversy

Campus left wing sensibilities have been shaken all over campus as Vice Chancellor, Koen Lamberts recently affected to wearing pearls, a blue suit and a blonde wig. Initially his wanton, cross-party dressing was thought as nothing more than an exercise to blend in to the era of the architecture, however, his recent decisions are indicative of far more sinister undertones. Amongst his increasingly erratic behaviour is the ill-advised sinking of all foreign entities found in the lake, describing his subordinates as “a bunch of bloody wets” and the legally dubious invasion of several non-campus locations. Though previously innocuous, it has now become obvious that his unexpected shift from a boring man who's only defining feature was being Belgian to ardent neo-liberalite is responsible for his zealous reply to union action. In his most recent address to the faculty, Lamberts came out with only four hours sleep and a mop with a crude smiley face scrawled on it, which he insists must be referred to as “Hesseltine”. “NO. NO. NO.” he delivered in newly blue Central Hall, the words ‘Forward Together’ emblazoned behind him. “Yes, the medicine is harsh, but the patient requires it in order to live.” Such strong words were substantiated by even stronger acts, as he immediately set about docking the pay of all strikers and running them down with campus security cavalry acquired by slashing funding to the York Hull Medical School. Many have argued his response to the action has been disproportionate and there are increasingly disgruntled murmurs amongst staff that ‘I would prefer if the mop were in charge’. Despite such dissidence, Koen Lamberts is forging onwards and issued the following challenge to the student body “YUSU turn if you want to, the Belgian is not for turning”.

Gabriel Bramley

Campus

Rosa Hansell

Accommodation - a Warning

It’s soon to be that time of year, when after only a few short months of knowing the people around you, you’re forced to decide which of your flatmates you hate the least and could bear to live with for the coming year. The inevitably cringe worthy conversation of who wants to live with whom is guaranteed to leave hurt feelings and newfound animosity as true feelings are laid bare. All your self-worth is suddenly weighed on the choices of others, heightened or blasted into the stratosphere based on how much someone tries to avoid living with you. After choosing which student ‘friendly’ accommodation agency to go with, you’ll finally get to experience what being a true student is like outside of the bubble of campus! Nothing is quite like realising that the outside world doesn’t care how oh so smart you are; you’re a leach who is a worthless irritation to anyone that is meant to provide you with a service. After picking who you’re living with and what property agency to go with, then comes the best of it finding a house. Dear freshers, my heart weeps, for you are about to witness what true freedom looks like, which is remarkably close to squalor. Don’t fight it, let the B.O wash over you like the calm waters of the sea. Breathe in the stench of freedom. You’ll traipse through house after house, some OK, others that make you consider washing yourself down with bleach after being on the premises. Eventually you’ll settle, mostly on the house you don’t think you’ll catch scabies from. Despite living in a damp freezer, laid up with week old rotting food and no lady to come in at the end of the week to save you from yourself, it’s not all bad. Just remember the ancient landlord saying of old, ‘if it’s good enough for the parasites, it’s more than good enough for students.’

Rosa Hansell

Why not check out our website: thelemonpress.co.uk.

Life is a business that does not cover the costs

Unibus Hell: Students Unnerved by York's Excessively Friendly Bus Drivers A recent survey into the service of bus drivers in York has found students are largely "horrified" and "unnerved" by the excessive politeness of York's bus drivers.A university-based think tank surveyed students on campus last week and found a growing proportion of students were "disgusted" by the constant greeting, chatting and overall human decency bus drivers displayed; features students found uncharacteristic of normal bus drivers. The report revealed an overwhelming majority of students felt "sickened to the bone" by the irrepressible friendliness of the drivers, namely their compulsively greeting and saying goodbye to every passenger, a practice students found to be an unconscionable breakaway from the standard sour-faced service experienced in the rest of England: "It's outrageous that they are allowed to treat us like this," said one York third year. "I just want to see the bottomless pits of hate in their eyes like elsewhere in the country." As well as their polite and sunny dispositions, interviewers have found York drivers were guilty of hanging back patiently to let on stragglers, engaging in idle conversations, and worst of all, letting on a cohort of passengers for free when the card reader fails to work. "This sort of behaviour is not appropriate. Where's the dismissive shrug, blank stare and seething hostility?" Asked one perturbed student. Another student complained to The Lemon Press: "There's no look of quiet resignation or defeat that you want in a bus driver... It's like they're happy to be alive and not just trudging through their workweek in misery waiting for the sweet release of death like normal bus drivers." The two-week long on-campus survey has also found evidence that many freshers feel alienated by this chirpy manner and revisited home in longing for the misery of their home town drivers. Jack Hurst, a first year student, was among those who left for home last week. When questioned by staff and The Lemon Press, he responded: "I just want to be ignored and left behind in the rain. Is that so wrong?" Alternatively, our resident conspiracy theorist, Tinfoil Greg suggested the bus drivers are: "Nothing more than electronic dummies linked by a central node to YUSU, programmed to be excessively nice so as to attract prospective students on open days and gain them more funding for their network of underground swimming pools and goose shrines." Whatever the truth to the situation, students are being left with the fallout of day-to-day events: "We can't deal with this," said one stressed Londonborn student: "I honestly may have to bring my own cardboard cut-out of a bored bus driver and place it in my field of vision to get over it."

Rebecca Zack

"This door is alarmed"

There's no better place "on the line" to find sub-par satire.

Rebecca Zack

Campus

Would a homunculus have suffrage?

Lemon Press Report: The Truth behind Lass Culture Following the much publicised recent YUSU apprehension of "Lasses", we get exclusive behind the scenes access to Lass Culture in all its might... Traumatic, terrifying and slightly arousing. These are just some of the words used to describe the never ending jager-train that is Lass Culture. I wanted to find out how these lasses harmed general society and what their behaviour did to the individual of the opposite sex. I was invited along by a good lad friend of mine who goes by the name Barney Widsworth to experience first-hand the spine-chilling sorority which is bombarding brothers with fraternal fear of what will happen to them next. Barney, in red chinos and slim-fitting blazer, got smashed one night and awoke as houselad to a group of ten girls. I went along to his loving home and was given a guided tour, after baiting him out from his hiding place under the sink. It was not long before I experienced exactly why Barney lived in such terror. As I ascended the stairs, I heard an almighty belch echo down the corridors, and several girls chanting "waheeeyy... down it!" Barney looked at me with a knowing stare as I reeled in horror. We approached Barney's room, and in what can only be described as a smash and grab, my delicate buttocks are groped by a â&#x20AC;&#x153;top lass" who spanks me on her way down the corridor and offers to buy me a drink. "Yah... yah," Barney said, "that is normal behaviour here. One time I was walking down the corridor from the shower and they ripped my Armani towel from me, and whipped me half to death." "Is this bar-club-changing room culture prominent in this property?" "Oh yah, yah, let me take you to the kitchen." On entering the kitchen, a gang of girls hold a full beer bong to the ceiling as one chugs it, spilling it all down her front. On noticing our entrance, we are wolf-whistled and stared at. I get told to make them all a sandwich, and was reminded that it was salmon and cuddle day tomorrow. Looking across the hall into the lounge, we notice (what I can only assume) was "a game of The Sims" ending and silence fell upon the house, signalling the end of predrinks. As the Merchandising Reps of the Netball Club finish up tweeting some emasculating banter in the corner of the room, Barney looks in terror as the lights go out and music starts to play. From all directions pints of vodka-diet coke are flying around; I am getting ground on from behind and ushered around by girls licking their lips. A girl grabs me by the hips and thrusts a pile of washing into my hands, encouraging me to her room with a wink. I get spanked again and I hear a cry of "waheeyy we've got ourselves a house husband!" Suddenly someone lunges in for a kiss. I duck away to the horror of the room. I get called frigid and gay. I am swiftly ejected from Barney's home. I look to the window and see a blazer fly across the room. His face appears at the window - gagged by a copy of Nuts magazine - before he swiftly falls back. The last I see is his hand print sliding down the window in a splattering of red liquid glitter. Wake up call. Dean Bennell

Campus

The overwhelming futility of life got you down?

The original Scooby Doo character of1969 is definitely dead now

University Challenge to Adjust Rules

The popular TV show 'University Challenge' is set to implement several changes in next seasons competition. According to a source who wishes to remain unnamed, the BBC is planning to incentivize universities to "make their teams as diverse as possible, merit be damned". To accomplish this, the show will no longer award 10 or 5 points for a correct answer, but instead a complex multiplication system based on the candidates ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, social and economic status will determine how many points a correct answer is worth. These changes follow a national outcry over the University of York's team being made up of solely white men. While misogynist defenders of the current system claim that a blind merit based selection process is not only free from any bias but provides the team with the best chances at winning, critics are done listening. A first year philosophy student we interviewed last night outside willow, captured the general mood on campus by stating that: "I don't know what the university challenge is but if they're being racist they should stop doing that".

Student Shock as "Commerce" Tutor Speaks Fluent English An "Commerce" seminar tutor has been spotted speaking fluent English during a seminar. The tutor in question was described by students as 'surprisingly eloquent' and 'capable of basic speech'. Upon hearing the news, one economics student told The Lemon Press, 'I find this very difficult to believe. What's next? English students with sound job prospects? The History department exceeding more than one contact hour per week? Fair and balanced student journalism?'. Upon being questionned on this developement, a representative from the "Commerce" department frowned, looked a bit confused and stated 'Our English speak, very good! Why complain, nothing wrong?'

It seems however, that with the BBCs decision to weight answers, the debate between merit and equal representation has ended. In a test case, the current University Challenge team faced a diverse group of students, and while they answered all but one question correctly, they lost by 49810 points. Rightfully, Team York's most diverse member, only received a multiplier of 5.2 for being Welsh and ginger, while their opponents sole correct answer received a multiplier of 50248 as she is half Argentinian, half Kazakhstani, bi-sexual and upper class. The BBC has rejected criticism in their decision to give upper class participants a higher multiplier pointing to national statistics stating that: "The wealthier your family is, the less of you there are, therefore in the spirit of promoting and protecting minorities on our show, we must adjust the score accordingly". Lemon Press calculations show, that the only way a straight white male could have won the game for the university challenge team, is if they had been amongst the 3 richest people in the UK.

Costas Mourselas

Our unnamed BBC source left us with this final statement: "Our early prognosis suggest that scores will be up to 1000 times higher than in previous seasons. However, the number of incorrect answers will increase at a similar rate. We expect many games to be determined by who answers less questions incorrectly, and on the rare occasion that a participant does answer a question correctly, we will simply end the show then and there, as it wont get any better than that". Johannes Huber

Why not write for us? Send articles to thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Campus

Pinocchio is Italian for sodomy

Duck Jokes Extinct – York Celebrates Ladies and Gentlemen, men, women and children, celebrate! It is over! For the first time in the University of York’s history, the overbearing rule over humour has been overthrown. For too long, the duck joke had ruled over our dear establishment of learning with an iron fist. Now though, it has had its reckoning. In a quite astounding turnaround, the student body has realised that joking about ducks is in fact shanter. Unforgivable, drivel inspiring shanter. Yes, there are fucking ducks in York. Big whoop, your powers of observation are outstanding – you must have the IQ of a dribbling vegetable. Bur no more, my friends, no more! We can now laugh about other things! Like… err… Well… The lake’s pretty funny, right?

Lemon Press justifies JCRC elections with article In a hackneyed move that has surprised commentators, the Lemon Press has written an article about the recent college elections. The paper, known for satirising significant events, seems to have deemed this worthy of attention. In the past, JCRC elections have been known as a self-pleasuring, ego massaging popularity contest which candidates take part in to have the pleasure of sitting in a silent echo chamber where nobody says anything yet everyone agrees with it. However, this masturbatory farce of democracy looks to have been attempting to legitimise itself with an attempt to vote candidates in on their “merits” and “policies”. The success of this has yet to be determined, though it will have to affect a monumental change to move away from the proverbial dog licking its own bollocks. What is certain though is the decreasing quality of the Lemon Press. Evidently, in choosing to reference such events, the magazine has now debased itself to such a point where its use as toilet paper is now deemed offensive (even though the shit smears do improve the content).

Alex Lusty

Campus Excavations Uncover Antediluvian Mummy The recent pedestrian and cycle route improvements taking place along University Road have been put on a temporary hiatus due to the discovery of a several thousand year old corpse. Workers removed a particularly large slab of concrete from the existing pedestrian system which in turn led to a small antechamber. Inside said chamber, slightly apprehensive labourers stumbled across a stone sarcophagus plastered in YUSU election paraphernalia dating back to 1974. Alongside the slightly more technical process of carbon dating these materials helped to put an approximate age to both the container and the mummy found therein. Experts who are said to ‘have a lot of experience in this sort of thing’ have placed the age of the ‘artifacts’ at around 8000 years. The exact identity of the individual sealed within the sarcophagus remains a mystery. Tentatively identified as a male in his early 20s, nothing more could be ascertained about the occupant owing to the damp conditions of the tomb itself and an unusually high amount of asbestos present in the atmosphere at the time of the discovery. Reports of missing traffic cones and horrific banshee howls in the middle of the night near Alcuin College have fueled rumours of an ancient curse wrought upon the University- retribution for disturbing the remains of a venerated prince of some sort perhaps. A relic of some mighty caste extinct for aeons. Then again, these rumours are easily dismissed as bullshit. Jake Roper

Campus

This issue doubles up as a defence against racism.

Have you been incorrectly sold PPI? Call 07804562912

OPINION EXCHANGE Who's to Blame?

To take a look at who really is to blame for all this, six Lemon Pressers fight it out for a meagre scrap of recognition.

Alex Lusty

Firstly, we need to look at the idea of blame. What is blame? Who is blame? To know this, we must become blame. Breath in and out. In and out. Now, what would blame be thinking? About mother, and how she left you. No, that’s not blame! Leave yourself. Right, now what are you thinking? Mummy. Where are you Mummy? Please come back… Get a hold of yourself! Now come on. Blame, blame, blame… I am to blame. It’s my fault. Why did I tell people about the priest? It’s all my fault for upsetting Father Cliff…

Tom Davies

A fetid, insidious stench has descended over Britain. It reeks of cabbages and cultural Marxism. This used to be a green and pleasant land. Now, the melting pot of forced multiculturalism has turned it brown and wilting. Paedophile welfare tourists, Atheist drug Vikings, Jihadist Man-Tigers who cause teen pregnancies and want to see shops open normal hours on Sundays. All of these groups of rampaging barbarians unleashed upon our unsuspecting noble Britannia are to blame. But worst of all, we are to blame. The intellectuals, the nation-hating, bien pensant quislings who hate and loathe all that is good about this country and want to see my daughter get knocked up by a Somali people smuggler who voted for George fucking Galloway.

Tom Murray

What kind of question is that? Why are you even asking that question? It’s a fucking leading question! Certainly not me, that’s for sure. Those allegations are completely and utterly unsubstantiated and I fucking resent them. You can’t publish allegations without evidence. That is the flagrant and arrogant breach of the Defamation Act and is called libel. It’s fucking illegal! Do you have hard evidence? Was there a camera in that room? Have you got multiple witness testimonies? I think not, so get on your fucking bike and off you fucking well fuck, you sanctimonious prat.

Billy Blake

I’ll tell you who: The bloodsucking vampires of the modern neoliberal political monolith that is Reagan-Habsburgianism; sitting high in their golden towers, paid for by the unremitted slave-tear-blood labour of the alienated worker-people, shafting the proletariat with the unyielding sandpaper-dildo of post-neoneoliberal capitalist monism. As a staunch and muscular opponent of the oncoming goosestep of the neoconservative einsthatchergruppen, I stand on the precipice, a lone defender against the coming darkness. My weapons: my sharp words of unrepentant vindication, and a flick-knife I bought of that Serbian bloke under the A42. I will not let the neoliberal money-keepers and bank-warblers filibuster my attempts to anti-neoliberalise the neoliberal Pasky Miranda capitalist elitism falafel. The tory-fascist badger-raping, teaKallum Taylor: When our bescarved hero ascended to the rank smoking, golliwog-weilding neoliberal neoliberals cannot be of grand poobah of YUSU he ushered in a golden age of peace, allowed to continue in their crusade of injustice against the understanding, and FetSoc. In this orgy of enlightenment we people. In conclusion, they are to blame. The neocons. put aside our worries and concerns, the dark days of whoever Jake Roper the hell preceded Taylor fading into obscurity. Pirates are to blame. Not those Somali types, though they do Much like Charlemagne before him, Taylor gave the people a get up to a bit of mischief here and there. No- I’m talking sense of hope and unity, and again much like the father of about the buccaneers of old. Those mighty men and women Western Europe, the void left behind after his exit has disguised as men who sailed the seven seas during the golden destabilised the economy, the morale and even the culture of age of piracy. Those salty dogs who broke hearts in every port his realm. and drank the Caribbean dry. Just imagine it: climbing up the Left leaderless we wander about our day to day lives with a rigging half-cut with a sea breeze whipping your cheeks. Not complete lack of Widnes colloquialisms, with nary a hint of a care in the world except for which flag the next ship to cross woollen neckwear. Like a flaccid, rotting leaf our campus you on the horizon was flying under and how much plunder culture has degenerated. Even our finest, most virile satirists they had for you to take. Sure, there was the scurvy and the struggle to make even a single passing joke about Irish Sam. gibbets and the constant threat of being shanked by that Maguire and the other pretender kings stalk the ruins of our dodgy looking cabin boy because you ate all the bastard post-Taylor wasteland of apathy and shanter, akin to the Charles the Bald and his miserable rule over a broken kingdom. lemons to try and avoid getting bastard scurvy. A good life Why, our Kelloggs-endorsed leader, did you curse us with this though: plunder, booze and the opportunity to participate in bittersweet irony? To taste the glory of perfection to then only something close to democracy at a time when that sort of thing wasn’t really on in most places. And that’s why they’re to eat the sub-par plain white bread of banality is a punishment blame. They gave us a taste of freedom that quickly died out none should be laden with. in the space of a few decades. So yes: pirates are to blame. And those Somali types sort of ruined it for everyone too.

Just cover a brick up with this magazine...

Incoherent Rambling

Tommy Fong is starting his own caliphate

Nobel Peace Prize Committee Criticised in Bias Disaster The Nobel committee has come under heavy public scrutiny after the prestigious blood stained medal was improperly allocated to someone who hadn’t committed the pre-requisite five war atrocities. By an extraordinary feat of luck, Malala and Kailash Satyarthi appeared on the shortlist due to an administrative error and much to the embarrassment of the institution, neither of them had ordered a subordinate to slit the throat of their fellow man and revel as the blood pooled about their feet. Rather unfortunately, the seething Middle East envoys could not be placated by the usual method ie. sending barely sentient yokels to splatter foreign children with M50s. However, a more amiable settlement was arranged by dramatically ammending next year's Laureate listing: Chemistry: Fritz Haber (again) for his first tentative steps into the field of chemical warfare Physics: Robert Oppenheimer for his work on the atomic bomb Medicine: Joseph Mengele for his acumen as a wartime doctor Literature: Sun Tzu for his seminal piece on negotiation and ambassadorial practice Peace Prize: Genghis Khan whose work has touched so many contemporary envoys The only expected qualm with the current scheme is the exhuming and storage of the entirely posthumous entourage, but if recent years have shown anything, it is that the prize committee has no moral scruples with skeletons in the closet. Gabriel Bramley

Time Continues to Progress in a Linear Fashion- People Somehow Still Confused Commentators were shocked, startled and stupefied into silence this year when an annual event that takes place every year in the United Kingdom once again took place. The historical event, which we have chosen not to name for reasons of offendi-legal, has declined to comment. A spokesperson for the United Kingdom, Mr. Norm Alperson, had this to say about the historic commemoration of the commemoration of an historic event: “I am very proud to exist in the temporal frame which constitutes a certain amount of time passing since an historical event.” He added: “It’s the ability of Britons to blindingly and selectively cling to the events of the past that made this nation great – a tradition I hope will continue far into the future." The media has been awash with reports of the commemoration of the event, with multiple news outlets reporting the miracle of how the same event occurs every year, and what this means for the metaphysics of time and space. A Farmer, Mrs Plough, also commented on the bizarre continuity of nature and the miraculous repetition of the changes in seasons. She had this to say before continuing to beat a dead horse: “The Rain god comes and the snow shall fall by his will. Spirits of winter rise up and relinquish the foul clutches of Autumn.”

Billy Blake

News

And then repeatedly hammer into a racist's head.

Hummus salad sandwiches? I’m not a giraffe. Fuck offlibrary café.

The Fight Against ISIS – YUSU Pledges Military Support

In a turn of events that stunned the world, YUSU has proposed to offer military aid to the Iraqi government in an attempt to curb the rise of the Islamic fundamentalist group, ISIS. Joining US led forces in the region will be YUSU’s modest Air Force of 3 remote controlled helicopters (with a built in payload of five foam missiles each) and approximately 20 paper aeroplanes that, according to senior officials: “Can go really, really far”. Intelligence analysts predict that the taskforce’s capabilities will include delivering love letters and blaring decadent western music at a range of approximately 2-10 feet. Potentially, this will provide medium range surveillance if they manage to tape a GoPro to one of the landing struts. YUSU led the international community in placing sanctions on ISIS at the start of term by banning them from all campus bars, charging an extra 20% for all merchandise and revoking their free Unibus privileges. However, the campus Nisa has resisted pressure to levy sanctions and continues trade with the militant group, offering essential supplies such as Pot Noodles for the low price of £9.50. Discussions are now underway regarding the possibility of training opposing militia forces to ISIS. HAZ Soc is already developing an intensive course to bring Iraqi Irregulars up to speed on modern tactics such as “Not running away” and “Shooting a bit”. Meanwhile, the UN Association is reviewing their options, though analysts predict that aside from a stern telling off, they will again be doing bugger all for the foreseeable future. When pressed for comment by intrepid Lemon Press student journo scum Randy Moleskin, ISIS officials claimed to be untroubled by the proposed intervention, asking: “What is YUSU?” Ben Walker

That isn't to say that we advocate violence of any kind.

News

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 5: Studious Buzz Zone

Russia to stop selling Capitalist dog burgers

In what experts are calling the most serious Cold War standoff since the Cuban missile crisis, Russian authorities have shut down nine McDonald's restaurants and are inspecting 200 on allegations of sanitary inadequacy. Ex-Philosophy student and current McDonald's PR representative Joshua Wankstain told The Lemon Press that: 'Everyone knows our food is shit. I just don't understand why they are challenging us now.' Analysts and prominent businessmen are not convinced by the validity of the Russian governmentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s accusations, claiming that this is a political move in response to western economic sanctions. White house official Kohn Jerry stated: "They're just jealous of our personal freedoms. We'll drown the bastards in cheap vodka right after we deal with that weasel Snowdon. I'll see to it personally". A Lemon Press reporter on the ground in Moscow interviewed oil oligarch and talented bear hunter Sergey 'Eastern Terror' Yeltsin. Swigging vodka and casting a lustful glance at Red Square from the balcony of his Moscow mansion, he told our reporter: "I miss days when I could use personal influence to force the populace to work for me in inhumane conditions for measly pay. Putin has been too liberal. I'm glad he is standing up to west. Although shooting protesters from balcony is fun. They never see it coming". The US and the European Union have since banned all milk exports to Russia, forcing Russian school children to eat cereal with spirits instead. Tensions are escalating, with both sides threatening to cut diplomatic ties. Too bad you can't import dignity.

"A gross misrepresentation that I can only condemn in the harshest of terms. It's blatantly obvious that I'd be a redhead under such circumstances." - Labour leader Ed Milliband on what colour his hair would be if he were born a woman.

Costas Mourselas

Kim Jong-un makes his triumphant return to the public eye by appearing at the Hollywood premier of 'Interstellar'.

Official image released by the Russian Ministry of Culinary Censorship.

News

But if you are going to bludgeon someone to death with a brick...

Cats don’t have fucking personalities, they’re barely sentient.

Viral Photoshop - Has it gone too far?

It is no secret that Photoshop has given people the power to make their wildest dreams of brief tabloid fame come true. One merely has to look at recent news reports of a ‘monster crab’ in British waters to see that viral success is a mere cut and paste away. Today, I bring you news of a picture that flies in the face of truth and good taste. The image is masterfully crafted, both in the skill of the doctoring and in the shamelessness of its lie; it takes the form of a picture of Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg in the midst of what appears to be conversation. In it, Mr Clegg is depicted, clear as day, as standing straight up as if he had some sort of spine. One must ask how the perpetrators thought they would get away with such a boldfaced attempt at trickery. Do they think we have forgotten the coalition, that we forgot Clegg’s agreement to trade his spine for a seat at the edge of power? Worse yet, more photos and even altered footage of Clegg and his ‘spine’ are uncovered daily. One has just to search the Lib Dems online to find mind boggling articles claiming Clegg has promised a “bigger economy and a fairer society”. Do we really want to live in this upside down world? If we allow this, then what is next? Edited photos of David Cameron without his trademarked gleaming forehead? Falsified accounts of the Green party asking to be taken seriously? Doctored footage of Nigel Farage with a German wife and children?

The worst part of all is that people have begun to believe this filth. Go out onto the streets right now; you will meet real people who honestly believe Mr Clegg has a spine. If we let this lie go unchallenged, if we let this cat out of the bag, then there is no going back. I beg you to ask yourself,is this the Britain you want to live in? Morgan Barker-Thorne

A rare example of what is believed to be a non-doctored image of Mr. Cameron and Mr. Clegg together.

You might as well use the Lemon Press to conceal it.

News

DID YOU KNOW: Katie Hopkins DID NOT shoot down any flights this year

Ebola to Redeem Tabloid Journalists Today we bring to you a terrible discovery about the recent Ebola outbreak. By consulting a crack team of conspiracy researchers and examining the stories in such reputable publications as Buzzfeed and The Sun very carefully, we have come to two shocking conclusions: The ebola outbreak is ravaging the Western world, and Buzzfeed is trying to let you know. Our suspicions were raised when we noticed that coverage of the infection in Africa was hugely impersonal, reducing ‘thousands’ of deaths to mere statistics, accompanied by pictures that were indistinguishable from any of the media’s photos labelled ‘anonymous, suffering African’. Many dismissed this as the media’s usual treatment of people who didn’t reach their mandatory white requirement, but our team of researchers saw the truth: there was no outbreak in Africa. Articles like ‘top ten facts about ebola we TOTALLY didn’t spend five minutes googling’ were trying to let us know that research into the deadly virus was underway, and that it posed a risk to us all.

News

I ask of you, dear reader, to take up the torch of these brave men and women. Let us rise above the accusations of fear mongering and clickbaiting and show the world that, for once, tabloid journalists did something useful.

Morgan Barker-Thorne

The slow creep of satire has begun to infect social media wires.

Uni Staffcontinue Strike action, Uni Management lag behind with only Spares

BOTH COALITION AND OPPOSITION REVEAL THAT THEY REALLY DO JUST HATE THE GREENS Ahead of next year’s general election, the mainstream political parties have finally admitted that their refusal to include the green party in the upcoming debates (in favour of Nigel Farage) really is a result of just not liking them. ‘Yes, it’s true’, said Mr Cameron to a shocked (but not really that shocked) press yesterday, ‘Nick and I have been talking to Ed Miliband and we all agreed that the greens are simply too weird to be allowed in to the debates. I mean, have you seen them? They’re just so earnest. And they won’t stop whittering on about the plight of nature and how we’re “destroying the planet”. A bit of nuclear waste never hurt anyone. And besides, they’re politicians who claim to be acting in the best interests of humanity. Highly suspect if you ask me’. Mr. Miliband echoed these sentiments following the PM: ‘it’s the only thing we can agree on. The fact of the matter is the greens have won numerous council seats across the UK, and I shudder to think of what would happen if proportional representation was ever enacted.’ We asked Mr. Miliband if aiding the Tories in keeping the green party sidelined was in the interests of his party, or even of democracy. He dismissed any fears of backroom dealing and added: ‘it’s a matter of principle. The principle being, that the greens are too bloody principled to be given an equal platform. I agree with them on many issues of policy. I just don’t want to be around them for any longer than necessary. Because then the electorate might realise what absolute shite we proper politicians talk most of the time’. Thomas Barry

IS TO FEATURE IN LEADERSHIP DEBATES After their widely successful recruitment of young people across the UK, the BBC has officially invited the Islamic State to join the leaders of the Conservative party, the Labour Party, UKIP, and the other one on stage during the televised debates for the 2015 General election. IS has gained popularity recently, due to their anti-austerity stance, and their opposition to the EU (as well as a lot of other people.) More to follow...

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Koen Lamberts reviews Interstellar: "Get out ofmy office"

Crude Jesus Imitator Incites Inaction

Last month, the country was gifted with a broadcast of a game changing debate. By the country we mean selected cinemas in middle class areas, and by debate we mean a circle jerk of rhetoric. The topic at hand was a man’s vision for greater democracy in our country, which he decided to share with a limited amount of people once.What next transpired can only be described as a true demonstration of liberal democracy. Attendees at the event made use of social media to blow out of proportion the man’s arguments, convincing their friends that the revolution had begun. After the seed had been planted, it blossomed into the form of a peaceful youth led protest to central London. This move lead to an emergency assembly of parliament where the whole house unanimously agreed that they were all wankers and gladly stepped down, dissolving what we know as the state at the same time. The details of the new system are reportedly still being considered. One revolutionary is quoted saying: “I didn't actually go and see the performance. I heard from my mate on twitter that it was really convincing and as I didn't have anything better to do, I took to the streets.” The uprising was surprisingly supported universally by all citizens of the UK, displaying a glorious co-operation across the ages, genders and races. The 1% of British society were also easily convinced to hand over their long collected and fought over wealth for what is being referred to as ‘the greater good’. This was all achieved smoothly and effectively in one night, as the man had apparently explained. It is surely a new dawn for society as exploitation and disagreement have been totally eradicated from everyday life thanks to hard work of one enlightened individual. Callum Sharp

Eldritch horrors from beyond this world - Louis Jani 16

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EBOLA TO FEATURE IN LEADERSHIP DEBATES After their moderately successful integration into western society, the BBC has officially invited the Ebola virus to join the leaders of the Conservative party, the Labour Party, UKIP, IS, Matthew McConaughey, and the other one, on stage during the televised debates for the 2015 General election. More to follow...

UKIP MPs to defect to UKIP – Media obsession blamed.

In a cleverly crafted move rivalled only by the sheer number of immigrants stealing our jobs, UKIP has created another media storm when all of its MPs left the party, defecting to the Conservative Party – immediately followed by redefecting to UKIP. ”It was a textbook political move,” said Mark Reckless, the now UKIP MP, formerly Conservative, formerly UKIP, formerly Conservative MP, “with this we will undermine the Conservative and prove once again UKIP is the party of the eurosceptic.” Like foreigners to the NHS, the media has focused in on this news as heralding “The End of the Tories” (Daily Mail), “UKIP impertinence undermines Coalition” (Guardian) and “14 surprising reasons that UKIP defections will inspire you today!” (Buzzfeed). With all one MPs once again leaving the Conservatives, UKIP has increased its number of MPs leaving the Conservatives to two, a 100% increase from last week. Ignoring any knowledgeable critics, the Lemon Press interviewed the first people we could find who awkwardly shied away from the Latvian in the pub to get their opinion: “The media cannot dare look away from UKIP. This news is of course proof that our mighty UKIP will soon absorb all of the other parties and lead this great country to a new independent age...” quipped Nigel Farage as he downed another pint of John Smith’s and headed outside for another fag. Callum Gearing

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John Lennon tries to put guitar up for auction, forgets his eBay password.

Nick Clegg to Enter Coalition with Cthulhu

In a desperate bid to further discredit himself and his beleaguered party, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has decided to throw his support behind the only entity in the known universe less acceptable to his party's bearded, pot growing, socks and sandals wearing grassroots than David Cameron; the eldritch, humanity despising great old one Cthulhu. Having recently awoken from his aeons long slumber in the lost underwater city of R’lyeh, Cthulhu – a hundreds of metres tall outer god with the head of an octopus – is apparently planning to action the first stage of his plan for the enslavement of all mankind, being elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Response to Cthulhu’s entry into the race has been surprisingly positive, with metropolitan commentators calling it a by-product of the widespread disaffection with the political class, whatever the fuck that actually means. Interviewed on the moldering streets of Provincial-on-sea, some ignorant, closet racist pensioner with fuck all else to do but able up and down the boardwalk all day talking to reporters said: “Say what you like about Mr. Cthulhu but at least when he says he’ll rip of your head, pull out your spine and turn it into a glockenspiel you know he’ll do it”. With the lovecraftian deities ideas gaining some traction, and his “fuck humanity party” soaring in the polls, the Liberal Democrat leader has said that he must “consider the prospect of working with Cthulhu in the interests of preserving strong government should the Liberal Democrats once again hold the balance of power after the election” but assures supporters that he “will continue to work in government to blunt the edge of some of Cthulhu’s more illiberal parties, for example, we’re not too sure about the idea that every first born child should be sacrificed at the foot of an altar of skulls, but we do hear that he’s very amenable on house of lords reform”. Meanwhile, support for UKIP has fallen to 0% following the entry of Cthulhu into the race, with party leader Nigel Farage complaining that the malevolent, amphibious deity “stole all his policies”. Tom Davies

Spineless invertebrate and Cthulhu in history making agreement

Cameron and Putin In G40 Mud Wrestling Battle

In an epoch making of the clash of titans, both leaders have decided to reaffirm their sexual comfort political acumen by taking part in a sloppy bear on posh boy twink naked mud beatdown debate. In an unbridled display of heterosexuality political capital, the two big players will rub their naked slippery bodies trade intellectual blows in what may be the tensest clash of political heavy weights in the western world. For some reason, despite hailing from two traditionally homophobic conservative establishments, the two leaders have always been implicated as being at odds with one another. By some strange thought process, despite being the diametric opposite in terms of their opinions on a bit of wanton sodomy foreign policy, the rather swivel-eyed assumption is made that they would, for some inexplicable reason, desire to pound each other’s gaping boy pussies have an ideological disagreement on the international stage. Political and psycho analysts alike are perplexed by the public’s rather bizarre fixation on Putin having a desire to penetrate Cameron’s supple sphincter diplomatically damage Britain. Our hackneyed subtly bigoted Vox Populi, Annie Jerk, who joined the liberal movement because all her friends did, believes the following: "I really do believe in the equal rights and not denegrating the liberal plight with wanton mockery democratic discussion, but Putin ramming a stiff up our prime minister's colon waddling through the politics of a post-Soviet world is disquietening". Gramble Cabbageskin

BBC to Remove Guests from Debates

The BBC has admitted they got "carried away" with their handling of the 2015 Leadership debates, and they have announced plans to cut down on the number of panelists included in the current lineup. Currently, the debates would feature the Conservatives, Labour, UKIP, the Lib Dems, IS, the Greens, Matthew McConaughey, Ebola, Walter White, the #SELFIE, Boris Johnson, the concept of loneliness and a Game of Thrones reference, going head to head over issues and concerns raised by voters in the run up to the 2015 election. "We got it wrong," says Quiteun Clear, the BBCs Head of Communications, "We thought that the introduction of new groups would work to stimulate discussion. However, we understand that not all of our current line-up can be considered important and relevant in current British society". "With that in mind," he continues, "we have decided to remove the Liberal Democrats from the debates". Gregory Waddell

Not that I have any idea what that is.

News

Len Goodman on swearing during Strictly "I'm Fucking Sorry"

GAME OF LOANS The life and times of Lord Koen Lamberts, King of the Students and the First Ducks, Lord of the Nine Colleges and Protector of the Realm “You know, it’s almost a shame somebody has to win this war”, Lord Lamberts lamented as he watched the two armies line up to face each other on 22 Acres. Lord Duncan nodded in agreement, shifting uncomfortably in his saddle. “Yes, quite sir, both belligerents are an equal pain in the arse for us, it would be ideal if they just wiped each other out.” Oh god, wouldn’t it just.

Lord Lamberts and his small party were positioned in the tree-line on the sidelines of what would soon become the battlefield. His standard fluttered listlessly in the breeze, a three headed dragon made out of money. Lamberts turned to his other side where Maester Grenville sat astride a donkey. “Maester, you have knowledge of these things, which great houses of the land have turned up to die on this cold, northern winter morning?” “Well my Lord, within the ranks of the army led by Lord Maguire and House YUSU we can see the banners of House Femsoc, House Liberal Intelligentsia and House People Who Want To Be Seen As Progressive Because They Think It’s Synonymous With Being A Good Person, whose banner is a bandwagon rampant on a grey field. And on the other side we have House Rugby, House Hockey and of course House Justifying Saying Anything You Want By Shouting Free Speech And Telling People Not To Be So Sensitive, whose banner displays a seme of swivel eyes argent.” God damn this War on Lad Culture, now I have to try to remember the names and sigils of these trifling, minor houses, and who on earth do they get to design their bloody banners. ?

“Surely this has got to be the end of it all now; the lads have been on the run since those House Vision mercenaries massacred the armies of House Hockey at the Battle of Twittergate?” Lamberts dismounted from his white mare, Snowy, and began to feed it a carrot from his pocket. “You’d be surprised my lord, there really are no winners in conflicts like these. Both armies attack and defend and reinforce and no-one ever gets closer to a solution or gives an inch. They have an almost total empathy deficit with the other side, viewing their opponents as the last remnants of an incorrigible scourge of Feminazis/Lad Arseholes which must be wiped clean from campus before anybody can truly sit down and relax and enjoy themselves,” said Lord Duncan with a sigh. “Yes, it’s a bit of a shitter isn’t it?" said Lamberts wistfully. I should have stayed in fucking Warwick. Tom Davies 18

Features

Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,

Federer pulls out ofATP Tour: ATP Tour misses period

PC gone mad’s 5 tips for dealing with Ebola; 1: Quarantines: Right, now why this already isn’t in force I don’t know. And I don’t mean before Ebola, I mean in general. Why should foreigners skulk around spreading their language and so called “culture”? That’s the real problem here. 2: Vote UKIP: It’s all these bloody immigrants coming in from Bongo bongo land killing off good old blighty. If we’re looking for a virus that needs eradicating, it’s that. Soon, Lady Britannia will be bleeding benefits from her ears and shitting housing away through the eye of a needle. 3: Consider bombs: In the good old days, we’d have sent in the military to kill off these upstart Zulus. Virus won’t spread if there’s nobody to spread it. Now, we’re claiming these savages have “human rights”. What about my right to protect my country through the arbitrary bombing of others? 4: Rename Ebola: Politicians aren’t worried about Ebola as it’s seen as all cultural and part of African heritage (yeah, THAT country again). Destroy Ebola and we’re destroying their identity they say. I reckon we need to give it a more patriotic name – they ain’t scared of destroying a good, sturdy British disease! Black Death maybe? It’s more appropriate anyway. 5: Ignore it: Let’s be honest, so far it hasn’t actually killed anyone interesting. In fact, we should spread it! It’s about time for a good purge anyway – too many lefty liberals around stealing our taxes. What needs to be done is for Ebola to be weaponised and then dropped on Bradford. And Blackburn. And Preston. Most of the North in fact. Alex Lusty

YUSU Buzzfeed Caretaker Found Dead - Embarrassment to Blame YUSU suffered a tragic loss earlier today following the revelation that their resident Buzzfeed writer was found dead at their office. Still reeling from the loss, post-mortem examinations cite the cause of death as “terminal embarrassment”, evidenced by the heavy cringing marks, the inability to uncurl the deceased’s toes and the words “Oh God what have I done? What have I done? Please stop the screaming in my head” written repeatedly on their computer. With an illustrious career spanning over two articles, the anonymous writer showed unparalleled talent in copy and pasting pictures from the internet and accompanying them with such incisive remarks as “For only £12 you get incredible student discount on so many things. Happy shopping. Yayyyyy”, the meaning of which still eludes scholars to this very day. Although relatively unknown and uncelebrated in life, it is beyond doubt that their work will hold Van-Goughian appeal and the artist themselves will receive posthumous acclaim - that is, once the “fail” and “trashy” stickers have been peeled off their still warm corpse. A public funeral has been arranged the following Saturday, the procession led by the tawdry bandwagon the writer came in on. Gabriel Bramley

For where we are is hell, and where hell is there must we ever be.

Features

DID YOU KNOW: Katie Hopkins won the 1975 Award for Most Born Person

Lemon Press TV Guide Film - Twilight: Autumn Term (9pm, BBC2) Set in the rural town of Yorks, Washington where it never stops raining for some fucking reason, English Lit student Bella Swann and friends wake up every day with crushing hangovers to discover they only have one hour of sunlight left because it’s winter and they wake up at 2pm. Bella has to choose between Team Efe’s or Team Sgt. Peppers in a torturously angsty decision played out over 8 hours. Danny Dyers Moderately Sketchy Blokes (11pm, Channel 5) Swaggering cockney weasel and “fooling no one” pretend hard man from a string of low budget dross films absolutely no one has ever seen builds on the one relative success of his career - Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men - with this spin off series in which he meets petty drug dealers and men who sell fake Rolexes at train stations. Last of the Summer White Strike (10:30pm BBC1) Four old codgers from the town of Povertie, Cornwall slowly drink themselves to death on a park bench as they realize the world has left them and their way of life to rot in the farthest flung corner of the provinces whilst all the young, attractive people make money in London and have sex. Film – Special K: The Kallum Taylor Story (11pm, YSTV) In this hotly anticipated biopic of the former two term YUSU president, award winning character actor Michael Sheen plays Taylor as he rises through the ranks of the Vanbrugh JCR and finally wins his stunning election victory over all those people nobody remembers the name of, contains very strong language, scenes of a sexual and occasionally sadomasochistic nature and several incidents of solvent abuse which viewers may find disturbing. Dame Helen Mirren co-stars as former Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor in drag. Great British Break Up (9pm, BBC1) This series follows a string of British couples as their relationships slowly deteriorate into a waking nightmare when they stop going out, start penciling sex times onto a calendar pinned up on the fridge and realize they have absolutely nothing to say to each other anymore. In this episode John begins an affair with his nutritionist whilst his wife Angela starts abusing prescription medication and putting broken glass in his food. Dapper Laughs: On the Pull (10pm, ITV2) Boorish Essex lad and internet pseudo-celebrity Daniel O’Reilly teaches skeevy provincials up and down the land how to walk the thin line between aggressive sexual opportunism and 10 years in prison. This isn’t a joke by the way; they actually made this fucking show. Tom Davies

Arts

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The Art of Blank Walls: A Guide to Understanding Art Galleries. Let it be said, before this article truly begins my dear sweet mouth breather, that unless you take a specific degree in one undeniably superb course, the following string of words will not enlighten you but merely assure you of the uncultured slob that you are. Art galleries are for the intellectually superior, the refined and for those with no creativity of their own to take Instagram photos of. Before I can even begin to berate you for the tasteless imbecile that you are, I must help you unearth a gallery to begin with. In order to find a one, you must go in search of Excalibur. Once you have pulled the sword from the stone you must take it to the houses of Parliament, find a virgin and have them behead the Pricey. Once the beast is dead, you must drink from its neck the sweet nectar. When this has been done, use the enchantment “yellow snow, I wouldn’t say no” and hit I’m feeling lucky on google on your Ipad. If each step has been followed correctly, and after you scroll through a couple of hundred pages, you should find the location under a daft name that sounds as mundane as its contents. You have arrived.

York, I suggest you refuse the hand out. Now is the time to use what little brain cells you have left from all those nights in Willow and think for yourself the deeper meaning of the urinal on a pedestal that lays before you. How it represents your future career prospects. I must emphasise that in order to gain the most out of your experience, you must take as many terrible quality photos for your blog as humanly possible. Be sure to get right in there in front of anyone else trying to appreciate the work as you are the most important person in that room anyway. With that being said and done, be sure that if you have a friend with you, to talk as loudly and as ignorantly as possible about the deeper meaning of the works around you that you definitely understand to make sure you belittle those around you as much as possible. This way, without directly ever having to face them or question your own motives, you assure yourself that you are the smartest person in the room. No gallery trip is complete without self-absorbed, pretentious, snowflakes explaining the text book theory they read once for an essay on the works on display.

After you have been mugged and possibly peed on by countless homeless men, and after you’ve seemingly searched the four corners of the earth, you will eventually find that the gallery is in the most inappropriately placed and quite possibly seediest part of London. When you finally enter, there is a very likely chance that you will find that the rooms are remarkably empty. You see the amount of blank space in a gallery exhibition? That’s the indication of how intellectually superior the curator and artists are to you. The lack of filled space does not indicate the lack of interest but emphasises the work that is there. When they offer you a guide book, unless you want to be as painfully obvious as the amount of students that have come through clearing to

Just make them payable to the following account:

Rosa Hansell

"Blank Wall"

Arts

Mussolini was named after a Mexican liberal reformist called Benito Juarez

Despicable Me Creators Announce New Film - Money Pile: Cocaine Bucket Filler Illumination entertainment has announced the most recent installation of their flagship franchise, Money Pile. Featuring the company’s most beloved creatures, the anthropomorphised stacks of cash waddle on some contrived adventure for 2 hours, meeting a suspicious preponderance of characters capable of being manufactured by malnourished foreign children, before landing in the pockets of soulless film producers. It has already been tipped for Oscar glory. Although many have criticised the production company for abstracting what can only be a weak plot from a group of one-dimensional characters, Illumination vehemently rebukes the defamatory claims made by the public, amidst vicious rumours of cynical

Arts

profiteering rivalled only by Wonga. “Listen,” says company bigwig #435, “the film is multidimensional. Not only do we want a bucket of cocaine, we want hookers. A big fucking piles of hookers” In an attempt at clarity, our interviewer attempted to broach this point while staring into the bloodshot, empty eyes of the company’s representative. They promptly slumped onto the desk and sobbed, wailing “I just feel cold. Please make the cold stop. MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP. TEAR OUT MY FUCKING HEART.” Money Pile: Cocaine Bucket Filler is due for release in 2015. It will be better loved by children than you'll ever be by your own offspring and will proceed to be remembered long after you’re deceased, until the inevitable spin off announcement, scheduled for next week. Gabriel Bramley

Mr. Beelzebub, 66-66-66, 0000666, Barclays Bank.

9pm: The History Channel: The Black Prince ofBel-Air

DiCaprio to Receive Oscar Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, known for his performances as Jack Dawson in Titanic and Jordan Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street, will receive an honorary Oscar for "Lifetime Not Quite Achievement But We're Still Very Proud of You," at the next Academy Awards ceremony in 2015. This comes after a campaign by fans to help DiCaprio finally get hold of the coveted prize, which he has not won despite the fact he is one of the most bankable stars in Hollywood. "You can't help but feel sorry for the poor bugger," says DeMille, the Head of the Academy. "I mean sure, he might be an incredibly rich and popular movie star, but he needs a break. And, given his record, this is the only way he is going to win an Oscar." "It's simple statistics," says avid Oscar fan and statistician Daniel Day Streep. "DiCaprio simply cannot be the best actor in any one year. And the Academy doesn't like him, clearly. Matthew McConaughey may have played a guy with AIDS, but Leo played a spoiled rich banker! Which is more culturally important? And when he was beaten by Jaime Foxx? And Forrest Whittaker? Clearly a race thing. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ridiculous he hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t won one, and I really feel for the guy. He needs our help." DiCaprio has declined to comment, presumably because he's currently busy filming his latest endeavour- a biopic of Peter O'Toole, in which he plays the lead role. This will be released alongside his directorial debut: a documentary about the influential film maker Sidney Lumet. After he fails to win awards for these projects, DiCaprio has expressed interest in creating a biopic of both Richard Burton and Albert Finney, using the directorial methods of Stanley Kramer. Greg Waddell

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TINDER: A THOUGHT

The Lonely Lemons Section

IS ROMANCE DEAD?

Thanks to Tinder, boys no longer have to directly tell a girl they like her, all they have to do is Swipe right. Boys make their intention clear from the outset by stating their height in their bio due to the fact that naturally your height corresponds to how much women want to have sex with you (we all know it’s true). The appeal of Tinder is easy to understand; a simple game of do you think I'm fit and will you fuck me? Tinder cuts out the middle man of wining and dining and gets straight to the important part: the punani. I also feel it is important to point out at this stage that it is in fact the case that "no Armani results in no punani." No Dolce and Gabbana me no sucky your banana is also something I wish to highlight. Do we think that Tinder is ruining romance? Is requesting a quick shag disrespectful? Do you swoon at the idea of being someone’s Tinderella? Is tinder embarrassing? Someone, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said: “I fucking love Tinder. Love getting that pussy all day every day”. With this in mind, I can only assume that someone who uses the phrase “getting that pussy” isn’t getting any at all. Ananna Zaman

Nine Reasons Why Being Unhealthy Isn’t All that Bad: 1) There’s no need to pay off your student loan as you’ll be dead long before then. 2) Regular trips to the hospital momentarily gets you out of your greasy cave of a room. 3) No longer needing to bathe yourself as a butch nurse is on hand to give you a sponge bath. 4) The occasional heart attack to really spice up your day. 5) Beating off old age. Mostly because you’ll never get there. 6) Terrible skin to detract from the singular strand of hair on your flaky scalp. 7) Being able to drink as much alcohol as your liver allows you. 8) Being able to Eating pizza guilt free. 9) Building up tolerance that allows you to go to Willow without catching Ebola. Too much of a good thing isn’t a rule, it’s a challenge. Every day is exciting, you never know what you’re going to get; a stroke, heart attack or indigestion, life is one big lucky dip.

Lifestyle

Rosa Hansell

After scrolling through tinder one lonely Tuesday evening, in the effort to avoid anything that would be beneficial to my nine grand education, I had an idea, one that was totally unrelated to that empty bottle of vodka that mysteriously ended up in my toilet tank. As an educated woman, I realise my chances for marriage are practically non-existent and therefore, if I wish to find love in this day and age, I will actually have to make an effort to be engaging and passionate. We live in an atrociously warped society, one which refuses to take those in grease stained pyjamas seriously; but that is a topic for a later date. With this in mind, I have decided to take a lead out of a young Austrian girl’s book and join the ISIS dating agency. Studying a degree in History of Art, I was already aware that my choices were going to be limited but I never really saw myself much as a career woman as I did marital slave anyway. Upon seeing the news, I realised that I too deserved a husband who married me not for my looks but for the fact I was female. And why not, regardless of my resemblance to John Prescott, why shouldn’t I be happily married? With the popularity of online dating, I see no harm into at least looking into it; besides, who wouldn’t want to live abroad with no means of getting home again? Rosa Hansell

WELCOME FRESHERS Dear Fresher, A lukewarm welcome to the University of York. The humble home of Willow... and that’s about it. York is a small city so if you are to get lost then I would really begin to question how you’ve managed to wangle your way here and I severely hope your History of Art degree allows you to achieve everything beyond your wildest dreams in the future. Many will tell you that this is the time to ‘find yourself’ but it’s not. It’s already pretty clear that you’ve reached the pinnacle of twatishness, so it would be greatly appreciated if all you self-confessed ‘party animals’ had another woowoo and shut the fuck up. Best of Luck. Flo Grant

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Don’t cry… You’re beautiful on the inside

Space Plane Dies a Virgin

Richard Branson has today released the news that space tourism is closer and more appealing than we ever imagined. Pilots testing the Virgin ‘space plane’ discovered an entirely new landing procedure during a routine test flight to California. The newly discovered manoeuver will allow the space planes to land at similar speeds to take off without the need for any sort of landing strip. At a hastily-called press conference, Branson declared the new manoeuvre a “titanic success, one that shows all challengers our ability to overcome any obstacle in our way.” Branson went on to say, “Many have called our goal of space travel for everyone unsafe and unrealistic, citing the high risk nature of space travel in the past. They said we would crash and burn, but today we have made a giant leap towards the future of transport.” Branson then declared a step-up in Virgin’s development of the programme, with space-planes to begin testing in Texas and Louisiana. This comes just after the announcement of Virgin’s first overseas research base to be opened in Columbia next year. We here at The Lemon Press will keep you posted on future developments as this exciting story unfolds. Morgan Barker-Thorne

Artificial Intelligence No Longer Mankind’s Greatest Threat

In early October Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk came under fire for warning the scientific community that research into artificial intelligence was “our biggest existential threat”, citing the Terminator movies as an example of the potential risks. However, following a horror movie marathon, Mr. Musk has a new message for the world: “Since my statement regarding Artificial Intelligence in October many have pointed out to me that artificial intelligences of varying levels have been part of daily life some time, and are even used in the ‘autopilot’ feature of Tesla Motors’ new Sedan. To those who have told me this, I thank you for putting me on the right track.

threat I am told that nuking them from orbit is the optimal solution.” Mr. Musk has taken the first step in defending Earth from the oncoming alien menace, investing $40 million in the Search for Extra-terrestrial intelligence (SETI) so as to: “Keep an eye on any alien activities,” or, in cases of real emergency, “Contact Predator for help.” Morgan Barker-Thorne

After much intensive research it has become clear to me that the threat to mankind comes not from human hubris, but from the stars. If a single alien egg were to come to earth, brought by astronauts or by meteor, we could face multimouthed annihilation in days.” Mr Musk went on to say: “I have, in fact, decided that superpowerful artificial intelligences are a necessity for the survival of mankind. I feared that they might hack into our weapons systems and attack humanity, but when the aliens become a

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SciTech

DID YOU KNOW: Katie Hopkins has never shot a homeless person intentionally

The True Impact of Online Gaming

New research that has emerged this week reveals shocking new links between online video gaming and negative behaviour. Investigations carried out in family households has discovered that 4/5 of dinners are going cold while 75% of parents have noticed vulgar language such as ‘f*g’ and ‘n**b’ entering their children’s vocabulary. The research also found a correlation between hours played and consumption of Doritos existed, causing exponential weight gain and agitation in children. When asked about the destructive impact of their games on the welfare of others, EA (voted worst company in America) replied forcefully:

However, the only conclusions they managed to reach were that their mothers were in multiple relations with teenage boys and that they had homosexual tendencies. One journalist reported being extremely offended after being called a “Wanktastic Piss Stain”. It is unclear how the government will react to these developments, however it has been rumoured that a policy of force feeding fresh air along with routine sunlight exposure is being considered. Callum Sharp

“There is nothing intrinsically corrupting about our products! Our internal design teams assure us that people behave positively in a fast paced, stressed filled competitive environment with anonymous messaging and voice communication at the touch of a button. There is no chance that people would abuse that!” To get a better impression of the culture of online gaming, our investigators attempted to interview players during a match of the popular ‘Call of Duty’ franchise. Could Outside be the cure for online misconduct?

Study Surprises Nobody

Media was aghast with indifference today as a study was released which showed that violence in video games is not linked to violence in the real world. This contrasts with an earlier study which had a group of children play Grand Theft Auto 4. When researchers entered the test room, one of them was inexplicably speared by one of the children who proceeded to repeatedly scream the word beast. He was then sacrificed upon a totemic alter that the children had crafted from dead flies. Peter Carrotwiddle, campaigner against violent video games in the US, told us: “It’s quite obvious that this study is completely incorrect,” whilst unloading a magazine into a dummy filled with pig flesh. “We live in a society which allows people to plan horrific acts of violence in these so called games,” he continued, reloading, “and then we wonder why there are so many problems with violent crime in our schools.” He continued to unload an assault rifle into a group of childsized pig flesh dummies, grinning and licking his lips in ecstasy. He added a final note before charging down the range and stabbing the dummy repeatedly in the face with a serrated blade: “we need to ban these games now, they’re sick,” before collapsing onto all fours to lap up the sea of pig blood. In a similar report, today scientists ventured into the Canadian tundra to discover that bears continue to shit in the woods, and we also managed to grab an interview with the Pope, who was adamantly “very much a catholic”. 26

SciTech

Billy Blake

The Lemon Press is coming to Youtube, butter up your nipples...

Ladford Uni opens zoo. Banticore exhibit popular

Gaming Paradigms review...

“Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor”

Much like Kant’s conception of trans-humanist theories, Shadow of Mordor seeks to redefine the locus of knowledge through its reinterpretation of logical bias. Using its empirical foundation, it has struck a chord in this post-modern meta-community with its use of the intuitive principles much similar to that of Rawls in his masterpiece of academic delight “A Theory of Justice”, it purports a new re-interpretation of the nuances of ontological thought. The academic involved, Monolith, much like its titular namesake, had produced a construct can only seem to dwarf that of the modernist simulacra, a possibly that was never before thought possible without receiving criticism of every logical level with the meta-ethical precision of one such as Garner or Rosen. By redefining the fundamental principles of moral thought, Shadow of Mordor has formed an excellent counter argument to contract theorists such as Hobbes and Locke’s core tenets of the necessity of focusing on the instinctual practices that formulate human nature. If I was to expect more of this counter-critical trans-substantiation meta-production based about the theory of Mordor, I would be wishing a radical redesign of the core paradigms embodied in the western, a possibility that I hope that you, like I, would not wish for. Such abstract conceptions truly show the strength of the contemporary academia and its intrinsic studies. Rating: Nietzsche/10 Callum Gearing

And prepare to be disappointed.

SciTech

That Matthew McConaughey, what a guy eh?

Outrage as College Footballers' Luxury Lifestyles are Revealed Following the recent expenses scandal referendum in Vanbrugh, in which the JCRC decided to continue funding College Sport for all, we get behind the scenes on 22 acres to check up on College Football... The glamorous lifestyle of College Footballers at the University of York has recently been condemned, as the true extent of their lavish lifestyles is revealed.If you wander down to the mega-arena that is 22 Acres on a Wednesday afternoon or at the weekend, you will immediately be shocked at the excessive expenditure on such an inclusive and fun sports scene. You will probably lose concentration and slip over the conveniently placed dog turd nestled on the penalty spot. I was stunned to find one match had nets on the goal posts. In what can only be described as a scandalous abuse of funding, I felt sick to the stomach knowing that such important money could have been pumped into, say, another set of doors for the Exhibition Centre. Speaking to one of the college players at half time who was half way through a fresh bottle of Evian, he described in greater detail the culture of luxury in which College football (and College sport as a whole) now exists: "Yes it is no lie that we are getting carried away. As you can see here, nearly half of our team is actually wearing matching kit today, which is probably outrageous but we don't care, we're loaded now. Rumour has it, one team has actually got a bag of footballs, but we don't think things have got quite that bad yet." After finishing this chat, we noticed Vanbrugh players strolling past teams staring on in envy. They had loose change rattling in their pockets, which they haven't had to shell out on ludicrously excessive training facilities, such as an hour on the astro pitch, like other college players have to. It was a shocking sight and all I can say is that if we are not careful, college sport has the potential to become a large, successful and happy community for all students to engage in. We certainly cannot afford this in times when we require highly essential velodromes to be built, and incredibly necessary maintenance on library doors. Dean Bennell

Sports

Men Dress In Lycra, Bathe in Mud and Get Out of Breath

CX (Cyclocross) is like XC (cross country) mountain biking with a crucial difference: the letters are the wrong way round. Unfortunately BUCS had cancelled the XC event this year, so the York Uni mountain bikers Philip BaukhamBonnet, Matt Skeats and Jack Swaiston headed up to Durham for the BUCS CX ... which had been cancelled too, but which was still going ahead for some masochistic reason.

They were joined by roadie Alex Goulding who'd decided to indulge his taboo fetish and get down and dirty, plus CX specialist Neil Harris, who was sent into whoops of bestial joy when the constant rain before the race created conditions resembling the Somme, minus the body count. The race started in a mad dash for the first corner, where Goulding was caught behind the inevitable cycloclusterfuck and disadvantaged for the rest of the race. Harris and Swaiston survived, only to be brought down by an offcamber mud slide which was either created by a sadistic race organiser or by a more menacing entity: the British weather. The farcical scene of bike sumo wrestling was brought to an end after an hour with a similarly farcical price: a puny bar of Galaxy chocolate. Since no York rider had actually won, noone cared. Maybe the first prize next year will be something worth more than ÂŁ2. Greg Melia

Premier League Club to Fire Future Manager

A Premier League football team has announced they will be firing their manager, once he takes charge following the firing of their new manager, who has been in charge for twenty minutes. The club, which has requested anonymity and probably won't get it, has justified the decision following the future managers inability to produce winning results. "It's ridiculous", says some overpaid old guy, who knows little about football, "that we have a man, for it is a man, in a position which he is totally incompetent. No, I'm not talking about me." He continued: "the fans are in support, and we will reward that support with a 40% increase in season tickets. Because we deserve the money, after this genius move..." The club has failed to explain how firing a man before he has even taken office works, but the current manager seemed confident in his chairman. "What the f**k do you mean I'm fired!? Let me call my wife..." said the current manager.

Greg Waddell

Denuntiamus Beelzebub Dominus muscae auxilium mihi.

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DID YOU KNOW: Katie Hopkins defends both Ched Evans AND the Earth.

Kallumandias

Anthem for Doomed Lads

I met a third year from an antique college Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand on Vanbrugh Paradise. Near them in the lake, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose grin And tousled hair and scarf of cold command Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that loved them and the heart that fed. And on the pedestal these words appear: `My name is Kallumandias, President of Presidents: Look on my works, ye freshers, and despair!' Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, The lone and level concrete stretches far away".

What fleeting back-slaps and banter for those who are true lads? Only the muttered tuts of the liberation networks. Only the patronising apologists who label it a fad Who secretly catch a glimpse at the tweets and smirk. No sordid in-jokes for them; no snorts or jovial impropriety; Nor any hasty rebuttal in the tabloid rags; Just the eviscerating gaze of our pillars of piety; The once swollen heart of the lad sags. What sanctions may be imposed to teach them? For they are a generation once insouciant and buoyed, Their misadventures leaving our sensibilities cloyed. Whilst impetuous insolence we condemn; We remember that we once were young and brazen, And upon my heavy, sorrowful breast the lad is emblazoned.

Ben Walker

Tom Murray

Horoscopes

Aries: You might have been working up the courage over the past few months to ask that special someone out for a coffee, yeah you know who. Well don’t. He doesn't like you and we’ve heard that he would rather shag a mole rat.

Taurus: You may be experiencing mixed emotions right now mainly because you're a manipulative psycho wench and you might not know who to trust, once again, because you're a manipulative psycho wench.

Gemini : Everyone’s well aware of your two faced nature, it’s sad that you will be experiencing a financial downfall. Have a good week, try not to be ugly.

Cancer: Questions upon questions but no answers to be sought. When all goes tits up look to the bottle for answers.

Leo: Your dreams will be destroyed to make way for a new gigantic miniature golf course

Virgo: Your kind and sweet hearted nature will be put to the

test as you are faced with a moral dilemma. Remember there’s no shame in prostitution, it’s one of the world’s oldest professions. 30

Poetry

Libra : All that hard work you’ve been putting in recently will not be paying off. You shouldn't have bothered.

Scorpio: As the great Neptune is finally entering the 7th

house of mars (quite uninvited I might add) it appears that you are being brought one of the greatest joys life can offer you. Make sure to buy a pregnancy test on December the 1st.

Sagittarius: Ah, a full moon is upon us and is altering the state of calm you might now be in. Prepare yourself for a sudden bout of baldness and shingles.

Capricorn : Dunno mate. Aquarius: You don't want to be known as that weird kid that had a freak out in the fruit aisle of Nisa do you?

Pisces: Contact with friends in higher places will make you

feel bad about yourself. And rightly so you uncultured swine, read a classic. Drink scotch. Watch a play. Ananna Zaman

Da mihi virtutem premere CITRUM inimicos . Et comburent eam.