The Lemon Press – Issue 39 by The Lemon Press

Welcome to the official paper of unloved first children.

Editors' Introduction

They are both old, they are both crotchety, they are both tired, and at least one of them has high cholesterol. Henry and Myles. Myles and Henry. Dunnett and Dyer: a legendary pairing. They say no man is an island, but these two men are continents. Vast satirical land masses, with mountainous regions where humour reaches its highest heights, deep valleys of intense pathos, and millions of acres of fertile fields, where the finest satire is harvested freely. The Lemon Press is not just about two men, but this column definitely is. Over four years, they have taken The Lemon Press from a parochial and rather sad schoolboy humour rag to a magazine of almost regional disrepute. Now, their time at The Lemon Press, indeed, their time at the University of York, is drawing to a close. So in this, their penultimate edition, we wanted to honour them by offering brief retrospectives of their satirical careers. Myles – Described by Henry in a 2015 election speech as reminiscent of ‘some prick from The Apprentice’, Myles emerged from the obscurity of a lesser-known public school in 2015, bright-eyed and tailed (by hordes of female admirers). Over the years, Myles has shaped The Lemon Press in his own image: a shockingly handsome, deeply-cynical, somewhat unhinged society. President once, Editor twice, Myles has done it all, and by all, we mean three jobs, rather shoddily. Henry – Henry has done more for The Lemon Press than anyone since Kevin, our legendarily abused intern. His skills in editing are unsurpassed in the modern era, and his job at BuzzFeed is all but a dead certainty. Editor twice, but practically thrice, Henry’s name will go down in history as one of the most popular boy’s names. Sadly, legends must some day begin their fated demise. Thus, the end is nigh for these two editors, housemates, friends. The curtain is drawing on their time at The Lemon Press, their ruined bodies soon to be hauled off ignominiously, and sold for scrap. Aside from the editors’ shameless self-promotion and appalling self-eulogising, this issue also includes some extremely funny work by the real talent of The Lemon Press, including our pick for the next YUSU President, a sensitive analysis of the 1955 Le Mans disaster, and some revealing insights into the lives of the sabbatical officers. Myles Dunnett and Henry Dyer, 1997-2019 P.S. The next edition of The Lemon Press will be a special, extralong, extra-thick 10th anniversary edition. So keep your eyes peeled for Issue 40, The Lemon Press XL: the biggest lemon you will ever have seen.

Welcome aboard this fine vessel!

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sports Poetry & Horoscopes

pp 3‐12 pp 13‐19 pp 20‐21 pp 22‐23 pp 24‐26 pp 27‐28 p 29 p 30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Myles Dunnett and Henry Dyer Deputy Editors: Will Rowan and Hal Bowden Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace) Campus Editors: Alfie Gerzimbke and Charlie Cayzer News & Politics Editors: Michael Peel and Chris Small Lifestyle Editor: Jake Firestone Science & Tech Editors: Thomas Lansdale Arts Editors: Ottaline Wallace and Maia Bates Features Editors: Perkin Amalaraj and Allegra Mullan Sports Editors: Tom Willett and Alex Andrews Covers: Holly Palmer President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Marvin Drury Vice-President: Lucy Finnighan Social Secretary: Nick Lunn Ordinary Member: Giles Beattie Contributors: Ashvini Rae, Gregory Waddell, Tom Davies, Jack Harvey, Heckler, Aidan Quigley, Max Hinchley, and Gabriel Bramley Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Please note: This is a satirical magazine. Quotations and facts likely to be inaccurate. Produced 10th February 2019.

Contents

Prince Phillip has taken up a new job as a First Bus driver.

YUSU ELECT ’Oh no, not another one!’ Why are we being subjected to more democracy? Please, stop! The much-unanticipated sequel to 'YUSU Elections 2018', 'YUSU Elections 2019' will see the shadowy force of democracy return to stalk campus once more, leaving horrific detritus in its wake. Expect to see poorly daubed signs with less artistic skill than the first cave paintings, pithy campaign slogans that demonstrate how all language is meaningless, and superficial egotistical mouthbreathers who swear that they're not ‘joke candidates’ and that this year they'll be the ones to exact real change. But they do it, remember, for you. Not for themselves, of course not, but because they believe in democracy, they believe we can do better, and they believe they're the right person to bear that cross and be on the back of a bus. And so the charade continues. The Lemon Press has the exclusive list of the real candidates for this year's elections, and offers them for your consideration, like a shit fuck/marry/kill. Included this year are RON candidates following last year's RON upset.

YUSU PRESIDENT EN

Even Stronger Robert Mugabe Mugabe hopes that he has channelled enough energy to seize the position of YUSU President as he runs for a third time. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Yoyo points to undergo hyperinflation.

Chris Small's Balls The latest testicular hopefuls, the mild-mannered Lemon Press writer's balls hope to do what Chris Wall's balls could never achieve. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Mandatory testicular cancer checks.

ACTIVITIES OFFICER

Campus

Mohammed bin Salman The fresh prince of Riyadh has big reforms in mind for societies and student media. Out with the bursaries, in with the bonesaws! FLAGSHIP POLICY: Arrest or assassination of his critics.

Issue 266 of York Vision WAT-ER SHAME! LA-BORE! The paper that brought you such quality jokes and such terrible journalism is back and hungry for power. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Enforced campus nudity.

Heat Death of the Universe The totality of nothingness is running for YUSU President, pledging to do nothing (to offend anyone, not that there is anyone). Hold on, isn't it already YUSU President? FLAGSHIP POLICY: The end.

RONald Reagan POTUS #40 is back baby and he's here to bring you neoliberalism and the war on drugs all over again! Low taxes, high fun! FLAGSHIP POLICY: Challenger disaster full reenactment at Summer Ball.

Pablo, Local Narcotics Baron A hero to some, a criminal to others. The mysterious Pablo helps facilitate activities all over campus and hopes to make it official. FLAGSHIP POLICY: 2-4-1 Tranqs on Thursdays.

RONald McDonald Following complaints over the standard of food at Courtyard by the current Activities Officer, McDonald's here with a franchise and fun! FLAGSHIP POLICY: Service with a horribly large smile.

Liking this? Find more at thelemonpress.co.uk

Local printing press suffers ink shorta

TIONS 2019 Image credits: Christopher Michel, Nigel Luckhurst, Juislubbock, Thomas Bresson, Fabrizio Nietzke (Wikimedia); DS Pugh, Natural News. Descriptions by Henry Dyer, nominees chosen by The Lemon Press.

Hating this? Piss off.

Amelia Earhart At a sprightly potential age of 121, Earhart is keeping a steady pace in her campaign, not wanting to crash and burn out. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Even more search and rescue teams, everywhere.

Emiliano Sala The Cardiff striker would like to make the transfer to YUSU FC following an unsuccessful transfer over the English Channel. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Search and rescue teams on standby on the lakes.

Les Gilets Jaunes ‘Nous allons renverser les bâtards de Heslington Hall et les mettre à l'épée.’ FLAGSHIP POLICY: True #Bustice and guillotining not only First Bus’s managers but the busses too.

Thomas RON The man, the myth, the politics seminar tutor. Noticing the popularity of RON last year, Tron hopes in a potential second term to ‘finish what I started’. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Addition of Albanian studies.

‘Dr’ Andrew Wakefield The disgraced and discredited anti-vaccination doctor hopes to make Unity Health look better by being far, far, far worse. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Bring back the plague to campus.

ACADEMIC OFFICER

Aaron Bastani's PhD The greatest intellectual work to come from the left since Das Kapital, Bastani's thesis will surely appeal to the Marxist mobs of campus. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Fully automated luxury communism.

Acrid Remains of Liberals Owned by Ben Shapiro The latest victims of Shapiro's merciless use of facts and logic hope to stamp them out at the root. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Being thankful they weren't OBLITERATED out of EXISTENCE using LOGIC.

Peter Hitchens The Mail on Sunday's ‘jobbing scribbler’ and York alumnus is back to scourge contemporary academia of its sins and stand up for rights and liberties. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Introduction of the cane to university seminars.

COMMUNITY & WELLBEING OFFICER EN

Lady Di, Queen of Our Hearts, RIP England's Rose Seen here with Prez candidate Reagan, Lady Di received the most votes at TLP's shortlisting stage. FLAGSHIP POLICY: New underpass for busses.

RON Cooke Hub The Hes East building has had enough of poor YUSU engagement on the far-off campus and is demanding change and revolution. FLAGSHIP POLICY: Kill Ron Cooke then resurrect him.

YORK SPORT PRESIDENT

Chapecoense FC The team made it to the top flight of Brazilian football in 2014, then mostly died in a 2016 flight that went very wrong. Hoping to beat Sala at his own game (football, not death). FLAGSHIP POLICY: Zero-fuel campus.

RONnie Pickering Hailing from East Yorkshire's Hull, Ronnie is going to bring his aggression to Roses and bring the trophy home, no matter how many punches it takes! FLAGSHIP POLICY: Big posters of himself.

Campus

Robert Mugabe elected YUSU president...

2019 New YUSU Campaigning Rules 1) A candidate's name must easily lend itself to a cheap visual pun, it just has to, if it doesn't, you can't run. 2) A candidate can spend the equivalent of the value of 4 and a third boxes of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Cornflakes on their entire campaign, no more no less, prices valid as of the day of the start of the official campaigning period. 3) The campaign shall be split into three phases; in the first phase, a candidate can only campaign through the use of telepathy, and this stage will last until a rhesus monkey kept in a cage in YorSpace can insert a red cube, green sphere, and blue trapezoid into three relevant slots in the wall. Then the second phase of campaigning shall begin; in this phase, candidates are explicitly banned from any telepathic communication, but purge rules are in effect. In this stage, no candidate can be prosecuted for the murder of another candidate, or indeed any crime at all. This phase will end when the rhesus monkey can be taught to play Nickelback's ‘Rockstar’ on the ukulele with reasonable proficiency. In the third phase, the candidates must open their secret instructions, enclosed within sealed envelopes handed to them at the outset of campaigning. If these instructions are not followed to the letter by close of poll, the student is disqualified from the election and sustains 1d6 aggravated damage. 4) No towel-whipping in the mandatory post debate communal shower. 5) Per the stipulations of arcane prophecy, no person named Glenn may ever be allowed to serve in a YUSU sabbatical position. 6) For equality and diversity purposes, all candidates must speak the same language, entitled ‘empty, facile bollocks’. 7) Anyone caught ripping down candidates’ cardboard will be automatically knighted for services to British aesthetics. 8) Anyone caught voting in a YUSU election must be asked, pityingly, ‘Dear God, why?’ 9) Breaking into first year halls to campaign is allowed, but a US style ‘Stand your ground’ ordinance allows the residents to defenestrate you without consequence. 10) If you win, you are the true loser. Tom Davies

YUSU to Choose Five Random ﴾White﴿ Students to be Sabbs in Efforts to ‘Diversify’ In what has been dubbed ‘political over-correctness’, YUSU has decided to undergo yet another effort to ‘diversify’. Often criticised for attracting the same sort of candidates, the YUSU elections will now appeal to a wider demographic. These new measures will see its election process being overhauled in order to make YUSU more ‘representative of its student body’. As such, YUSU will simply pick the first five students who pass YorSpace – provided, of course, they’re white. It is hoped that this will help attract a more representative set of sabbs – perhaps hungover students on their way back to Eric A or even hungover students running late on their way to lectures. 5

Campus

Campus In Shock as Major YUSU Critic Announces Presidential Bid The University of York community has been left in utter astonishment after Henry Dyer, joint Editor of The Lemon Press with Magnum Dunnett, announced today his intention to run for the position of YUSU President. Leaping atop a table in D-Bar this week, Dyer told a crowd of students that he would bring prosperity and competence to the organisation he had ‘long cherished’. Speaking to stunned reporters, Dyer dismissed his longstanding hostility towards the Students’ Union as a ‘ruse’ that he had ‘maintained in order to improve my street cred within student media circles’. ‘All this YUSU-scepticism I’ve been Tweeting about? It’s all balderdash,’ the renowned campus satirist assured gobsmacked friends. ‘As any of my lovers will attest, I have a large black-andwhite poster of YUSU senior management on my bedroom wall.’ While the famous journalist described his policies, out from his expensive leather satchel slipped a small booklet containing the autographs of a handful of members of YUSU staff, with plenty of blank pages awaiting further scribbles. Dyer confirmed that one of his first acts as President of YUSU would be to complete his collection. Jack Harvey SHITVERTISEMENT Are you an eminently hateable ego-tripper with a superiority complex? Do you have few ideas and fewer principles? Have you recently discovered an intense desire not to get a proper job for another year? Do you have all the personality and self-awareness of a slice of stale bread? Do you have no marketable skills or knowledge in tandem with a poor academic transcript? Do you think Pad Thai counts as Chinese cuisine? Do you struggle to prepare anything beyond spaghetti bolognese or frozen chips and nuggets but still host dinner parties? Then you, yes YOU, are perfect to be a YUSU sabb! Enquire now, entry cost: your soul. Members of York’s BAME network have praised the initiative, saying ‘it’s good they’re no longer pretending to be subtle, I guess’. In the interest of neutrality, The Lemon Press has also attempted to contact a White Students Network on campus (there isn’t one currently but, you know, give it time). Ashvini ‘I’m Mixed Race So This is Probably Fine’ Rae

Let me be honest with you:

... after receiving 6 million votes out of 6,003,564.

Comment: Your Union Belongs to Teenagers Who Piss Away Their Loans in a Fortnight on Stone Roses Treble Vodka ‘Blue Shits’ and Everyone Wonders Why it’s So Consistently Disappointing

By General Sir Field Marshall Montagu de Crecy As we approach the annual reminder that YUSU does in fact, apparently, belong, in a roundabout sort of way, to the students of the University of York, campus hot-takers and quasi-BNOC rent-an-outrage twitterphiles will soon be descending to the ear-piss matrix to deride the union’s continued status as an anemic farce, the purpose of which seems to extend to serving as a means of providing steady employment to former sabbatical officers and failed Labour local councillors as pseudoMachiavellian, bureaucratic jobsworths. It’s important at this stage to remember that when they say the union belongs to you, they mean you. Yes, you. You being a nineteen year old dipshit barely out of your swaddling clothes who washes their underpants in the sink of their halls bedroom with shower-gel. You being the kind of person who equates their maintenance loan to being roughly equivalent to the GDP of a mid-sized South American nation, which is why you’ve bought all your meals at Courtyard every day for the past three weeks. You all repulse me. Adieu. Tom Davies SHITVERTISEMENT Have a devilish eye for detail? Want to represent the eternal underdog? Become a Devil's Advocate today! Represent his interests at University and beyond. Host events and give public talks on the Devil's doings. Hear one of our great ambassadors reflect on their successful time as an Advocate… 'It was at the start of second year that I heard about the great opportunities offered on the Devil's Advocate program. Don't believe those who say you need to sell your soul to become a brand ambassador, you get paid £7.50 an hour! We put on cake sales every week, all the proceeds going to efforts to increase antimicrobial resistance. I'm now more likely to get a summer internship or even a graduate position with the Devil!’ Required Skills and Competencies: Excellent communicator Morally flexible Willing to work unsociable hours Have an interest in moral degradation and want to take a more active role Apply today!

We just want your likes.

YUSUNominate: The Next Dangerous Trend ‘YUSU nominations’ are the next in a long line of dangerous challenges propagated via social media. Students are being asked to nominate themselves and others to run in YUSU elections through the #YUSUElections hashtag. It's the spiritual successor to NekNominate, a precious few choosing to down a deadly cocktail of student politics and naked ambition. The police have yet to make a public statement but intervention appears inevitable as YUSUNominate gains traction — and victims. Once nominated, students have just five days to campaign. They find themselves frozen in front of a camera, taken hostage by their own ambitions, desperately trying to summarise their wretched plans in just 60 seconds. Before long, they're craving cardboard, on which they daub their own name or some mindnumbing pun thereof. Campus becomes their prison cell and they'll be damned if they're not going to scrawl on all the walls. It's at the height of this frenzy that many start pledging they'll do anything and everything so long as they can end this nightmare. ‘Debates’ provide a platform for other members of the student body to watch the nominees degrade themselves in person. By this stage their talking points have become so blunted that they can barely skewer a prawn, nevermind a rival. What little is left of these foolhardy few is served like leftovers; impossible to surprise or delight, as you’ve been eating the same dish for as long as you dare remember. Are you thinking of trying YUSUNominate? Please be aware of the risks. Will Rowan

Things That Really Make Me Think, with Henry Dyer

Imagine, if you can, the following hypothetical situation. A political figure is aiming for re-election in a constituency with fairly low engagement, such that elections are frequently about popularity instead of policy. As that figure is already in a position of government, they cunningly come up with a large campaign on a rather large topic, claiming it is a Problem that they will deal with, regardless of whether or not said topic is actually a Problem. The political figure is then seen in official government marketing and is given coverage by television stations and the newspapers, meaning that their profile is reinforced in the minds of their constituents. The campaign gathers support, on account of its generic nature, from active members of the constituency, further raising their profile with more passive members. The campaign itself is, really, secondary, and may well be carried on if the political figure is re-elected, but it has already served its purpose by then. Really makes you think, huh?

Campus

YUSU Sabb hopeful does 61 second manifesto, multiple fatalities.

YUSU to Hold Referendum on the Amount of Nitrogen in Air Finn Judge, from his vast, quivering ivory tower, has announced that YUSU will ask students what they think about the percentage of nitrogen in air. James Durcan, who was present but unavailable for meaningful comment, is apparently ‘in total agreement with Finn Judge on all matters, especially this one’, according to Finn Judge.

predictably yielded the floor to Finn Judge, who said that he ‘didn’t give a flying arse about turnout. YUSU doesn’t need the support of its students to run referenda, it just needs blind belief in its own importance. And we have that in plentiful supply. Now fetch me my sceptre, you foul oik.’

Asked about recent dismal voter turnouts, James Durcan

Expected turnout is between 6 and 8 (students, not percent), though the limit for quoracy has been set at 0, a figure Finn Judge said he finds ‘wholly appropriate, given the political malaise that seems to be sweeping campus. It’s disgusting really: you deign to give these pleebs the vote, and they only misuse it.’ The entire referendum process will be conducted via Finn Judge’s official Facebook page, and he says ‘you can message me to vote, but I probably won’t reply. I’m very, very important you know.’ Myles Dunnett

University to Stay in the EU Following Referendum: a Turning Point York Exclusive

YUSU Brexit Referendum Flowchart: What Happens Now?

The wording of the referendum has not yet been defined, with Finn Judge saying that ‘the wording of the referendum is irrelevant. YUSU will hold a referendum on air, and then topsoil, and then Nebraska, and then anything else it pissing well wants to. We are pretty bloody powerful and important, which makes me REALLY important. Did you get all of that, Nouse? That’s ‘important’ – i-m-p-o-r-t-a-n-t.’

Following the ‘monumental’ referendum in which only 6.2% of the student population voted, students at the University of York might be forced to remain in the EU at the hands of our undemocratic #FBPE-loving YUSU overlords. Nobody knows what the results of this referendum mean. But let's imagine the worst case scenario. Both Heslington ‘Ouest’ and Heslington ‘Est’ remain in the EU. But the areas surrounding campus don't. What will this mean for students? Students getting the bus between campus forced to stop at border control? YUSU bars no longer accepting Yoyo points and only taking Euros? Classes taught solely in French and German? York St John being the next to fall to these left-wing Europhile, democracy-hating tendencies? This is precisely why we must stand up for free speech and say NO to the #FBPE lefty-loving bias of this campus. Join our movement today. Ashvini Rae

Will Rowan 7

Campus

What seems to be the officer, problem?

Campus Stockpiling for a No‐Deal Brexit As the parliamentary deadlock continues and a no-deal Brexit becomes increasingly likely, people across the country have been stockpiling, including at the University of York. An investigation by The Lemon Press has revealed what various individuals and groups on campus have been stockpiling in case of the predicted logistical breakdown and increased resource scarcity that may occur in such an event. Amid uncertainty in the NHS over the supply of vital medical resources, the university's own health centre, Unity Health, has taken to stockpiling supplies. Senior figures report that storage space has been reserved for ‘several thousand’ burner phones, to be used to keep the telephone lines busy and ensure the high standard of administrative excellence can be provided. YUSU Commercial Services, at the instigation of Rt. Hon. Jim Fudge, has invested significantly into ‘Burger Storage Units’, and is understood to have purchased a small parcel of land within the Vale of York along with several hundred head of cattle. Several labs in the Biology department have been earmarked for growing potatoes and carrots, while Courtyard and Glasshouse managers are working on new slimmed-down vegetarian menu offerings.

The Labour Club, working with the English department's new printing press, have purchased reams of paper along with ink and are currently training members in typesetting The Communist Manifesto and the 2017 Labour Party Manifesto for distribution. The York Tories have spent considerable funds on fine French wines and cheese as well as Portugese fortified wine, with a small contingency fund being put to one side for curry. The Tories and the Labour Club are reportedly both satisfied with their supply of infighting. Sources linked to the University of York Lib Dems claim a strong sense of smugness with secondary reserves of sadness and bugged copies of bar graph generating software are to be purchased in the coming weeks. Several senior campus figures have tried to make charitable donations towards wider stockpiling efforts. James Durcan, YUSU President, offered to donate the drips left of his personality; James Hare, Academic Officer, has given an excess of nervous disposition to anyone who wishes it; Steph Hayle, Wellbeing Officer, pledged to donate the heads of the First Bus managers once she has ‘removed them from their stinking cadavers’, and Zac Sheppard offered to run really fast and reminded passers-by that Roses was happening soon. Others declined, preferring to independently stockpile. Saul Tendler, Acting Vice-Chancellor, has ordered all expenses forms to be handed in to his office for his personal use, and put the Accounting office on red alert. Henry Dyer

Various societies and sports groups are also stockpiling. DramaSoc is storing a further 600 copies of ‘A Midsummer's Night Dream’ and 20 kilolitres of black paint. Various college sports teams are considering bulk purchase of white t-shirts and permanent markers, but already have enough debauchery. NOUSE NEWS REPORT

Defender of the Union

The York Union has enjoyed a successful year so far, last term welcoming several speakers and co-hosting another ‘student debate’ with the campus newspaper, Nouse. The organisation prides itself for its high-quality events, featuring distinguished speakers and experts, though it has always carried a reputation for being politically biased toward the speakers it hosts. Last term, the York Union gave a platform to Prof. Tara Smith of the Ayn Rand Institute and the conservative journalist Peter Hitchens. Soon after came Dr. Kristian Niemietz, Head of Political Economy of the Institute of Economic Affairs. If the flyers given out at Freshers’ Fair 2018 are accurate, the York Union will at some point this year host Kate Andrews, also of the IEA, as well as Dr. Madsen Pirie, President of the Adam Smith Institute, and Conservative MPs Bim Afolami and Sam Gyimah. The writings of Ayn Rand have been a major influence on conservative and libertarian politics in the USA; both the IEA and the ASI are free-market think tanks, proudly promoting the low-regulation, low-tax, small-government, neoliberal views that took precedence in the British conservative political tradition in the Thatcher era; and one would assume that Peter Hitchens and MPs of the Conservative Party are, er, conservative. All in all, the York Union is rather keen to hear

from those on the political right this year. Perhaps the York Union’s committee is keen to shake off a reputation for courting speakers from the political left? Alternatively, perhaps there is a connection between the speakers of 2018/2019 and the adventures of the York Union’s esteemed chairman. Mr Joe Silke, who became President of the society at the start of 2018, will no doubt be delighted to catch up with Dr. Niemietz, Dr. Pirie and Ms. Andrews later this year – he once attended the ASI’s Freedom Week and was an intern at the IEA last summer. One would assume that he’ll also be eager to have a natter with Messrs Afolami and Gyimah, what with them all being members of the same political party. Connections to the speakers aside, we can’t deny that the York Union is doing great work to foster debates between students on the big issues. The York Union held a joint event with Nouse last year and will try to hold more in future. The biggest credit for forging the relationship between the York Union and Nouse must surely go to the latter’s 2018/2019 Editor – Joe Silke! Heckler Silke responds: We had a supporter of the Venezuelan regime last term though...

Campus

YorCup, YorFork, YorSpoon, YorSoylentGreen

First Bus Arrives On Time

Set Speed to Cheetah, Hayle Asks Mayor

On Tuesday the 29th of January, history was made. At 14:46, during a cold and dreary winter afternoon on Green Dykes Lane, a First bus pulled up to the stop at precisely the time it was timetabled to do so. Furthermore, according to eyewitnesses, the bus had plenty of room, and easily accommodated everyone who had been waiting at the stop. The Lemon Press sent a reporter to interview the bus driver, Gus Snyder. SNYDER: It’s humbling, really, to think that I was the one to finally achieve the monumental feat of achieving basic punctuality. Who would have thought that little old Gus Snyder and his clunky 66A would one day be the Neil Armstrong of bus driving? TLP: Wow! You flew as a pilot in the Korean War? SNYDER: What? No, I meant the moon thing. Later that day, First Bus York released a statement: ‘We are deeply appalled to hear that the 66A was on time today, and would like to remind the citizens of York that we remain fully committed to the principles at the heart of our company; arriving late, overcharging customers, not fixing our broken apps, and sometimes just not showing up at all. We have already fired the driver in question – we promise that such an event will never again come to pass. Just in case, we’ve punctured the tires of every bus we own.’ Alfie Gerzimbke

Steph Hayle, the Community and Wellbeing Officer of the Sims' Union, has launched a campaign petitioning the Mayor of York to set the game's speed to ‘Cheetah’. Screaming into the void near the Library Bridge, Hayle demanded that the game speed be increased to improve the transportation networks built by the Mayor in the city. Hayle said: ‘The Mayor is letting down all Sims, those who call this place their Residential Area, their Industrial Area, and those who visit our Commercial Areas. ‘While we are grateful for the ongoing benevolence of the Mayor in not triggering any natural disasters since the flooding incident of 2015, the Mayor must respond to the demands of this city's Sims. We will happily spend as many Simoleons as needed at the increased speed. We urge the Mayor to consider the proposals of the Prophet Elon and his monorail, for he has spoken the truth in saying that we live in a simulation.’ Hayle was then struck down by a freak tornado that disappeared as quickly as it appeared, according to eyewitness reports. Henry Dyer

Club Bouncers Decline Entry to Student with Black Lotus Card A second year music student has complained after Salvation bouncers denied him free entry and queue jump when he used his Black Lotus card. The card, printed in the early 1990s, is considered one of the rarest and most valuable cards from Magic: The Gathering and has sold at auction for as much as $87,000. Richard Garfield told The Lemon Press that he attempted to use the card to gain free entry with queue jump and VIP treatment as well as gaining three mana, but the bouncers declined to accept the card. Garfield denied there had been any bullying or aggressive behaviour by the doormen amid suggestions by (Wizards of the Coast) others in the queue that he was a ‘nerd’. A spokesperson for Salvation said: ‘The Black Lotus card is not the same as a YUSU Black card. Furthermore, the card has been banned in the Modern format, under which we operate as standard policy. All York bouncers have had extensive training in this field since someone played all five parts of Exodia the Forbidden One in Willow and banished Tommy Fong into the shadow realm.’ Henry Dyer 9

Campus

The Curious Romance of Dissertation Proposals

There comes a moment in the life of every student when it is time to take the next big step towards maturity: you have been courting for months and the romance is at its peak – it is time to make a dissertation proposal. Perhaps you will opt for dinner in a fine Paris restaurant, like Epicure on the Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré, followed by a walk along the Seine. Maybe you will take a knee on those famed banks, and ask your dissertation to marry you in words filled with more passion than those of Flaubert’s Madame Bovary. Or maybe you will fly to the Seychelles, and, as the sun drops down behind the ocean, take your dissertation into your hand and tell it how it completes you, how you could not function without it, how it is the only thing that makes your life worth living. I, however, will be undertaking a more traditional, wholesome dissertation proposal. One Tuesday in February, I will roughly slap my dissertation on the arse, and whisper gruffly into its ear ‘fancy a curry darlin’?’ Following this invitation, we will enjoy a romantic candlelit bhuna and garlic naan, followed by an evening of drugs and anonymous swinging. In the morning, following a fit of vomiting and severe diarrhoea, I will stagger downstairs to find my dissertation, and yell the following: ‘you can marry me or get the fuck out of my house’. Yes, that is the true romance of the dissertation proposal. Myles Dunnett

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Exclusive: Princess Diana had a midlife crisis aged 18.

What's That Lurking on the Sabbs’ Desks? I don't know if any of you have ever been to YorSpace... scratch that, of course none of you have, nobody ever fucking goes to YorSpace, but some repulsive YUSU seminar brought me there recently. To avoid the typical awkward discussion between myself and the other drones of our student body, I required an escape; as there was no form of firearm to blow my head off, I took my eyes to wander around the room hoping desperately for something interesting to be there. Aside from the normal drab posters on the wall, three old Sabb Scooters and some filthy, discarded rags resembling The Lemon Press, I spied the sheening glass case demarking the wall of the Sabbs office. The incessant use of glass walls within YorSpace has always made me think that Eichmann was brought in there for practise, but we can't really speculate on things like that. Through that wall, I could see 5 desks, littered with various objects and surrounded with poorly crafted posters, containing words like ‘vote’, ‘election’, and ‘Finn’. It was upon these words my brain formulated the antidote to my boredom, trying to see what shite our elected representatives keep in their office. DURCAN Starting off with the big guns, Durcan's desk represents exactly who he is and what it represents. Seemingly stolen from the darkest room in Derwent, it has a basic steel frame dipped in grey, with an acrylic top. Separating this from a normal desk found in any classroom, there is absolutely no scrawling, rude imagery or offensive language of any sort, making me believe the desk was actually bought new for this purpose. On the wall by the desk lies a series of hung portraits of previous YUSU Presidents, although the one before Alex Urquhart appears to be empty... • Pen: Unbranded ballpoint • Framed Picture: Empty • Other: A single small spider seems to occupy a corner of the monitor HARE James Hare always reminded me of Badger from The Wind In The Willows, partially because I've always viewed him as a figure possessing some sort of spiritual wisdom whilst hiding behind the scenes, and partially because I saw him hitting a stoat with a stick once. His desk is clearly the base of operations for the great machine of representative democracy. Covered in piles of paper and sticky notes containing all sorts of big words and official looking watermarks, he's a busy man with a long, academic plan. On the corner of the desk hangs a small cap with a red star on, no doubt from his years spent behind the Iron Curtain. • Pen: A dozen assorted Biros in a mug • Framed Picture: Mr Toad's Father • Other: Some sort of tunnel opening under his desk

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HAYLE It feels a shame that the nicest, most approachable and personable Sabbatical officer is known for little more than the ‘Bustice’ campaign. This is what I thought at least, until I saw the large variety of toy buses across her desk. What I believed was a deeply rooted campaign for students is actually a manic obsession. A series of notes scattered across the wall and other surfaces list ideas for how to improve students' lives, of which nearly all are crossed out. Most appeared to be scribbled out in biro, but one, clearly an email print out, has the text entirely blacked out. • Pen: YUSU own brand ballpoint • Framed Picture: The Sabbs together • Other: Sports tape with dark red stains SHEPPARD Zac always seemed like an easy going guy to me. Relaxed, confident and always in the zone, but his little office space tells a very different story. Most noticeable is the dartboard with Ryan Jago’s face pinned on with 15 darts scoring 712, the number of votes Zac won by. Beside that, two tennis rackets with handles sharpened into pointy hurty bits hang across each other. The desk itself is covered in astroturf, with small miniature footballers scattered over it and sticks to push them around, much like an Second World War RAF Operations room. • Pen: Kaweco Sport Fountain Pen F • Framed Picture: Stanley Matthews • Other: Large 'Road Closed' Sign JUDGE Judge's desk is absolutely pristine. A tidy man, maybe, but it might be more due to the maid holding a feather duster, hidden behind a small potted plant. Behind him on the wall is a variety of posters, with Finn’s face superimposed onto the faces of other people, when meeting even more famous people. If all the photos were to be true, Finn would have been born in 1897 and met everyone from Pope John Paul II to Jawaharlal Nehru. This however, is overshadowed by the desk itself, which appears to be gilded, and embossed with the Nouse logo. • Pen: Montblanc Meisterstuck Le Grand Gold Plated Black Fountain Pen (available with easy finance) with the letters FJ on the side • Framed Picture: A mirror • Other: Screen-saver appears to be his own face bouncing back and forth *For the purposes of my involvement in the upcoming YUSU elections, some or all of what I've just said might be bollocks. Harry Clay

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Slimming World taken over by conspiracy theorists.

University Tensely Awaiting ‘2 Girls 1 YorCup’ Video Students across campus are on the edge of their seats in anticipation of the release of a '2 Girls 1YorCup' video by YUSU and University bosses. In plans leaked to The Lemon Press, such a video is planned to be the final push in a marketing campaign for the new sustainable cup, which is expected to make campus entirely carbon-neutral within four weeks. Sources at the University of York's Commercial Services department say the identity of the two women to take part in the video has not yet been decided. At time of writing, there have been countless Yorfess posts that have led to shanterous individuals tagging pairs of women they know suggesting they audition for the roles. A pre-vis CGI rendering of the video has been leaked, and shows two young women defecating into the reusable bamboo cup,

consuming the excrement, vomiting into one another's mouth, and then taking the cup to Courtyard to have it washed and stored, but ensuring they keep hold of the sleeve. They were then presented with a new cup, with which they continued their depraved activity, safe in the knowledge they had helped reduce human impact upon nature. Commenting on the matter loudly to no-one in particular at DBar, a Derwent rugby player said: ‘That's nothing! We do worse to the geese, for God's sake.’ The university's contingent of Green Party students voiced their cautious support for the scheme itself, while the York Tories argued that the whole scheme was rubbish, but were still interested in the video, ‘for opposition research, you know’. Henry Dyer

UoY Student Cooking Contest: Results Everyone knows that the stereotypical qualities of the typical student don’t really include culinary prowess. Are they seen as poor? Yes. Are they seen as binge drinkers? 100%. Do they all have gonorrhoea? Probably! But can they cook? No – or so popular tradition has it. In an effort to challenge this idea, everyone’s favourite acronymic organisation YUSU, in a rare move, spent their funds and man-hours on a frivolous, high-profile endeavour. A cooking contest! The results are as follows. 5. A Bowl of Dry Pasta This sickly-looking student’s submission placed at number 5 with the judges, with them praising the dish’s quick preparation time, but subtracting marks for its ‘borderline inedible’ nature. However, it managed to secure a spot in the top 5 when it was pointed out by the entrant that the texture went from toothshattering to merely thoroughly unpleasant ‘if you just let each fusilli sit in your mouth for a bit before trying to chew’. 11

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4. Toothpaste Sandwich A unique dish that combines the nutritious, slow-release energy of bread with the minty freshness of Colgate, the Toothpaste Sandwich left the judges gagging and spluttering – but their teeth were a dazzling white the whole time! 3. Literally Just a Plate of Raw Chicken Upon being presented with this dish, courtesy of Derwent-based cooking team Sam ‘n’ Ella, two of the three judges simply refused to eat it, citing the ‘clear breach of the competitions’ standards, both culinary and ethical’. The final judge did try a bite of the slippery pinkish mass, and noted that the way in which the chicken ‘slid and oozed its way’ down his throat left him feeling violated, but unfortunately before he could give the dish a final score he was overtaken by a sudden spell of projectile vomiting. This left the dish with the default score of 0/10 – which, surprisingly, was higher than all but two of the other entries. 2. ‘Everything Stew' The silver medal goes to the ‘Everything

Stew’, which was described by its creator as ‘an unholy hotpot of everything that was left over in my fridge at the end of term’. The fetid stench of rotten vegetables that emanated from this dish nearly cost it the spot on the podium, but the judges were impressed by the bold mix of flavours – with one commenting that ‘the stale noodles really bring out the taste of the curdled milk’. 1. The Resultant Vomit From the Raw Chicken Finally, the top spot went to a surprise last-minute entry – the meaty vomit of the aforementioned judge! While not a formal entry, the judge did manage to say in between retches that it was the best thing he’d tasted all day, right before being bundled off to hospital. And those were the results of the inaugural UoY Cooking Contest! We’re already looking forward to next year’s entries raising the bar – as it is quite simply impossible for it to get any lower. Alfie Gerzimbke

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York's Alt‐Liters in Their Own Words

Hitler Found to Be Living in Alcuin An amazing discovery was made today, when a local student stumbled upon Adolf Hitler, who appeared to have been living in Alcuin College. A member of the University of York, who did not wish to be named, stumbled into what was thought to be an abandoned utility cupboard. The student told us that they found Hitler wrapped up in an Alcuin College flag, surrounded by what appeared to be 17 stolen bags of Werther’s Originals and what was described as ‘an inhuman amount of ket bags’. A question that many people asked was ‘why hadn’t he been found sooner?’.

(Image credit: Turning Point UK, no, really)

Exclusive: Peter Hitchens Discovered in Cupboard in Berrick Saul Building Following yet another York Union talk by conservative journalist, York alumnus, and all around bastion of morality Peter Hitchens, many students have been left wondering why he returns to the university every year. Well, imagine the surprise of Master's students after discovering Hitchens, the disseminator of ‘hot takes’, locked away in a cupboard in the ‘spectacular curvy structure’ that is the Berrick Saul Building. According to them, he was found sitting down, surrounded only by empty full-fat milk cartons and a dog-eared copy of the Book of Common Prayer, with a phone in his hands. When asked for a statement, the Union told us, ‘Hitchens is a prominent and controversial speaker as well as a York alumnus, making him a valuable asset to the Union. When not doing talks, it makes sense to keep him here. Logistically. Plus it saves on expenses.’ In (yet another) exclusive but unpublished Lemon Press interview, Hitchens simply remarked that the conditions he was left in were ‘absolutely immoral’. Coming up: Catch Hitchens speaking on the dangers of [insert name of his latest moral crusade] at the York Union. Ashvini Rae

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A spokesperson for the University told us that the reason they hadn’t found Hitler sooner is because ‘no one fucking goes to Alcuin. Seriously, what the fuck is that place? I’ve worked at the university for the better part of 9 years and only found out about it because Hitler turned up in it’. The question as to how Adolf Hitler arrived there was also asked by a large part of the community. Some speculate that it was former Vice Chancellor of the University of York, Koen Lamberts, who placed him there personally. This comes from the fact that Lamberts is ‘an evil little bastard’ according to multiple sources. Perkin Amalaraj

SHOCKING DISCOVERY: Academic Writing Found to be Terrible Writing The public was shocked when academics gave a statement over Twitter today, in which they admitted that academic writing, the writing that students are made to worship and aspire to, was actually as awful as students had claimed it to be. The tweet read: ‘I don't know why professors assign this stuff. If one of the students handed in a piece of shit like this, they'd get a failing grade.’ Many academics have come forward and admitted that even though their writing was meant to explain their subject matter, they instead filled it with complicated words and made sentences as unreadable as possible in order to feel smarter than the students who had to read it. While students were overjoyed at this news, a few professors, who themselves have released academic papers, were outraged at the statements given. ‘This is preposterous,’ Dr Faffendronen said, ‘once you apprehended me en media res my educational disquisition, it wholly materializes to be a facetious cavort upon the cerebral erudite, indefatigable, professors of this nonpareil establishment in which we enquire the beguiling presupposition of the feathered Anserini. Now may you graciously vacate from me, I am greatly inclined to luxuriate in my camellia sinensis beverage and peruse my novella on Dissociation Altercation Alliterating Structuring Adaptation Theory!’ Lucy Finnighan

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Man who ‘doesn’t see colour’ reveals that...

BREXIT: A BRITISH HORROR STORY

Another Brexit Update Another Brexit Update Another Brexit Update Another Brexit Update etc Well, here we here we here we here we go again, so to speak.

When this publication started, Gordon Brown’s Premiership was drawing to a dismal close, and we were entering a period now known as the ‘coalition’. But that does not seem true. Brexit has been happening forever, Brexit is endless. Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. I am Brexit. You are Brexit. We are Brexit. Facts: something happened. Further things happened. Further events occurred and then one more thing happened. Deal. No deal. Noel Edmonds. Facts: We are formed from the stars. There are stars on the EU Flag. ARE THE —— INVOLVED? I’M WITH YOU IN ROCKLAND where Brexit doesn’t exist I’M WITH YOU IN ROCKLAND where Allen Ginsberg was a better poet I’M WITH YOU IN ROCKLAND where ‘Howl’ was about Theresa May’s mental state I’M WITH YOU IN ROCKLAND where Carl Solomon is Boris Johnson and Jean-Claude Juncker is Bob Dylan. Moloch! Here is Article 50 and a baby and you should eat both! Moloch! Moloch! Here is my vote and my passport please have them! Moloch! Moloch! Moloch! This now passes as political commentary I think. Time after time I have said that Brexit would become unsatirisable and it has finally happened and it has taken my sanity with it BOOBIES My name is Myles My name is Myles My name is Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles Myles I am a squirrel I’m with you in Rockland Is this still satire? I am a squirrel. Myles Dunnett

News and Politics

Government Recommends Public Stockpile Food in Cheeks

Michael Gove will suggest that the British public should stockpile food in their cheeks, according to leaked Cabinet papers seen by The Lemon Press. The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs will advise that citizens follow the example of hamsters and other rodents in a direct broadcast where he will say: ‘If this country is to thrive in the rat-race of WTO rules, which it obviously can, then we must take a leaf, so to speak, out of the book of the rat. If we do this, we will be prepared for the Year of the Rat in 2020, and so will be able to trade with the Chinese, so Dr Fox tells me. ‘But, aha, I hear you say, [despite the fact this speech will be televised], surely we should not take advice on how to be a rodent from a fox? Well, Dr Fox is clearly not an expert on the matter, and thus will do. Get going, and don't forget: Keep Calm and Stockpile On!’ Early response to the future speech has been mixed. Several of the country's foremost biologists pointed out that your ordinary rat doesn't actually have a cheek pouch, but were shot for being insufferable bores and even worse being correct. Scientists for Britain sent a statement that read: ‘A hamster "can literally fill its face with food."[21] When full, the pouches can make the hamsters' heads double, or even triple in size.[20]’, as well as a link to the Wikipedia article. Reports have come in that Bob Pratt, a 46-year-old joiner from Folkestone, died after trying to fit 12 cans of Stella in his cheeks along with 40 tinned English breakfasts. After the 10th can of Stella, his skin ruptured, and internal bleeding and sepsis followed. A martyr's grave has been set up with Henry Bolton keeping vigil. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs refused to comment. Henry Dyer

Unsold Copies of the Daily Telegraph to Be Turned into Giant Paper Royal Yacht

In response to declining circulation, the Telegraph Media Group has announced that all unsold copies of the paper will be used to construct a royal yacht. Whilst concerns have been raised about the structural integrity of such a ship, experts have suggested that it would be no worse than the journalistic integrity of the Daily Telegraph. [No comment — Eds.] Chris Small

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Hard Brexiteer Just Has Financial Domination Kink

Excerpt from Jacob Rees‐Smugg’s Speech to Assembled Mouth‐Breathers, 22.01.19

Quintessentially British, the White Cliffs of Dover are mostly middle-aged Brexit supporters. Before the referendum, Cliff Stones hadn’t even heard of financial domination. That all changed in the early hours of one June morn. The faster stocks fell, the faster the thud of the palpitating heart in his flabby chest — he became a very hard brexiteer that night. Stones exchanged evenings of disappointing his wife for watching GBP/USD live charts — hoping to see the pound take a good pounding.

Good morning loyal supporters and assorted simpletons. Firstly, let me imply by the grandiloquence of my tone that this is in fact a reasoned argument, rather than a rant in sheep’s clothing. Secondly, allow me to state that I am going to attempt to legitimise my arguments using a very specific register, similar to what you might expect of a ragingly effete Regency hysteric. Finally, let me conclude my introduction by absolutely patronising you all absolutely: you have all been misled by the elite and the media to believe the opposite of what I am about to say, and by acknowledging that, I am lifting up the veil that has been covering your eyes for you, like some sort of Greek god come to raise the oppressive burka of neoliberal ideology that has been covering your face.

Thoughts of a ‘cliff edge’ Brexit manage to push Cliff over the edge. Sovereignty? Border controls? Stones could care naught for such trifles. He started to seek more extreme forms — the £39 billion divorce bill fit the bill perfectly. It’s all about absolute financial submission to the EU. There’s the bitter-sweet schadenfreude of bungled negotiations and the hope that the transition period never ends, as if a wave could be ridden forever without it ever crashing onto the shore. Perhaps Stones isn’t alone? Perhaps remainers would be happier if they were to give it a try? At least someone’s having fun. Hardy Breadcliff

There's an Escalator up the White Cliffs of Dover Sometimes you can't believe your own eyes, reality just proves too bizarre to believe. Whilst skimming through 2014 European Election campaign material I found something truly ridiculous. Did you know that there's an escalator up the White Cliffs of Dover? It's all in this UKIP poster: a great big picture of the monstrosity. What next? A travelator between Wakanda and England!? A free bus service between Kunami and good 'ol Blighty? With these kind of details coming to light it's no surprise the country voted leave in 2016. Will Rowan

We are living in a country where ‘let them eat brioche’ became ‘let them eat cake’, which became ‘let them drink coke’, which became ‘let them snort coke’, and finally became ‘make them remain in the EU’. Now, the only reason you would disagree with this simple assessment is if you couldn’t comprehend the intricacies and minutiae of my argument. A certain warping has happened to Britain: a noble old piece of wood, like oak or cherry, exposed to the cyclonic elements of the EU. Britain is warped, twisted out of all recognition, absorbing the wicked and perfidious liquor of globalism and rotten superstate doctrine. I’ll be using the word ‘warped’ a lot throughout, giving it an assumed symbolic meaning, which will hopefully fill in the gaps where logic and reason would normally go. [It gets worse from here –Eds.] Myles Dunnett

Woman Makes Resolution of Summoning Satan, Fails to Keep it

Well known Satanist Emily LaVey was found by the police in her apartment on January 1st, after reports came in that she had been planning to summon Satan and begin a new apocalyptic world. However, after breaking down the door, the police simply found her sat on the sofa watching Love Island. Witness testimonies vary, however the consensus from her neighbours suggest that the police apprehended her as a safety precaution, and that ritual books were found all around the apartment, but had yet to be touched by Emily. Sources confirm that summoning Satan had been her New Year's resolution. When The Lemon Press got a chance to interview Emily, we asked why she hadn't gone through with the ritual. She quoted, ‘It's always the same, I'll say that this is the year I'm finally going to commit to a resolution, this is the year I'll finally turn my life around. But it never lasts, same as my no chocolate resolution, haha! So no Satanic Apocalypse this year. I think I'll get a haircut instead. That's basically the same thing.’ Lucy Finnighan

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News and Politics

Aren't all YUSU candidates joke candidates?

Theresa May: Simply the Most Ineffective Prime Minister in History, or the Most Ineffective Human in History, An Analysis One thing that has become abundantly and offensively clear over the last few years is that Theresa May, the Prime Minister, is not very useful. In the first major study of its kind, we have analysed a series of metrics to determine whether the Prime Minister is just bad at her job, or whether she is actually the most ineffectual creation humanity has ever produced. Metric 1: Leadership It is common knowledge that Theresa May couldn’t even organise a piss-up in a piss-up factory devoted to designing, manufacturing, and hosting piss-ups. There are few leaders more inept: even legendary ‘President’ Jefferson Davis managed to win a few battles. What is less obvious is whether May’s poor leadership is limited purely to the political arena, or whether it extends to her personal life. On the day of her wedding in 1980, it is reported that Theresa May and her bridesmaids got lost on the way to the church. In an effort to save face, May made the call to abandon the cars, and head out on foot. Arriving at a raging river, May directed her Maid of Honour to go through first. Three bridesmaids were lost that day. Following a lengthy Search and Rescue mission, Theresa May and the remaining bridesmaids arrived at the church eight days late, and a riot soon ensued. Metric 2: Communication History has produced some fantastic communicators: Churchill, Obama, Oprah, Thatcher, King, Hitler, Edmonds. Whilst communication is the key to power, it is unfair to expect that level of

oratorical and communicatory brilliance from everyone. Yet what is unusual is a complete indifference to interpersonal interaction. May seems specifically designed to corrupt each and every type of communication, from personal to public. Analysis has concluded that May’s DNA is fundamentally incompatible with the concept of communication, which we believe led to her disastrous Party Cougherence Speech in which the only discernible message was that she had a cold. Few other people in history have been sabotaged by their own bodies. Metric 3: Locomotion (and Dancing) Most babies, at the age of one or so, can walk. Those first few unsteady steps soon become a confident strut, making a once placid infant into an upwardly mobile destruction and faeces spreading machine. It may seem somewhat obvious that a Prime Minister needs to be able to move in a dignified fashion, yet the current incumbent has made this less of a given. Theresa May seems never to have fully grasped the difficult concept of motion, preferring instead to lumber about as if freshly hatched from the pages of a Stephen King novel. Speed regulation and levelling ability seem to be her two stumbling points, creating an alarming lurching motion, sometimes controlled by a stiffening of the arms at the side. As regards dancing, not everyone is expected to be Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers. The Prime Minister’s movements, however, suggest a fundamental disconnect between brain and body, perhaps indicative of an ongoing Transient Ischemic Attack, or several botched lobotomies. What is even more

interesting is the continued faith in her own dancing abilities, despite almost global amusement. Metric 4: Decision-Making and Deal Brokerage The ability to make decisions and broker deals is a key part not only of leading a nation, but also of being able to function in a society. Theresa May’s ability to make deals was laid clear during the Brexit debates. However, we must go further back to discover the true ineptitude behind May’s critical thinking skills. In 1981, Theresa May and her husband, Mr May, were in a travel agents on the Garbaldisham Road, looking to go on holiday. Theresa May was caught between Fiji and Kent, and sat in the shop for 73 hours before finally refusing to make a decision, and blocking her husband from making one either. Finally, a riot broke out, killing the travel agent, a passerby, and a police horse. Conclusion This in-depth analysis was conducted without political bias. Theresa May seems to display so few of the basic human skills that we are forced to conclude that the Prime Minister is not only the worst example of the species Homo sapiens, but also the worst showing of the species Homo, the tribe Hominini, the subfamily Homininae, the family Hominidae, the infraorder Simiiformes, the suborder Haplorhini, the order Primates, the class Mammalia, the phylum Chordata, and brings shame on the whole kingdom, Animalia. Myles Dunnett

Man Misunderstands what ‘Dry January’ Means, Dies A man, 33, has been found dead in his home after refusing to drink anything for a full month. Doctors have confirmed that it was dehydration that killed him. His wife, 31, who has claimed to be the one to encourage him to partake in the challenge, was at first inconsolable, but we managed to catch some words from her: ‘I just can't believe this would happen! Everyone we knew was doing Dry January, so I don't understand why he's the only one that's died from it!’ The Government has now put out a Public Warning in case anyone else makes the same mistake. ‘Oh, that's what it means?’ she said, when authorities told her, ‘My bad.’ Lucy Finnighan 15

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May to Appear on Deal or No Deal TV Special While Noel Edmonds was tackling the jungle, May has been buying time before her inevitable departure into the political wilderness. Number 10’s strategy to sell the deal involves May being a contestant on Deal or No Deal — the red box being a better platform to reach the public than the dispatch box. Those MPs needing to be persuaded most will be invited to appear alongside her. In fact, May’s been practicing for this moment the whole time... May starts by wandering around the room, picking a few choice boxes. ‘Number 9, David!’, ‘Number 11, Philip!’, 'Boris, number 10?’ An audible gulp is picked up on the last selection, echoing around the studio for an uncomfortable length of time. So far, so good — both sides seem happy. Two more are opened before we hear from the banker. There’s been a slight format change; the banker has been replaced with the whole City of London screaming down the phone, pleading with her to agree to a deal soon. She’ll let them wait. ‘No deal is better than a bad deal!’ intones May as she puts the phone down — fundamentally misunderstanding the game show. The rounds pass by, each more tense than the last. May better start making some decisions quickly. Gove reveals CAP is off the menu; Fox dispatches a proposed customs union. There’s quite a ruckus when Arron Banks opens his box to reveal a slightly smaller box, and an even smaller one within that. What could this mean? Anyway, the show must go on — quite literally. It feels like years pass but the clock reveals it's only been 20 minutes. Anna Soubry and Jacob Rees-Mogg are all that remain, both ready to open a Pandora’s box. Which to pick? If only she could make it seem like she was picking both. Alas, that’d never work. The phone rings, an offer is on the table. It’s pitched between the two remaining options, as anyone who has watched Deal or No Deal will have expected. It’s dutifully accepted, forced smile and all. ‘It’s either this deal or we’re back to square one — playing this game all over again.’ Deal or No Deal? Why couldn't it have just ended in 2016? Will Rowan

Royalty Corner Duchess of Sussex Engages in New Form of Activism During a charity visit in Bristol, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, left messages of support to sex workers on bananas. The appropriateness of the choice of fruit aside, the Duchess has decided to expand her new style of guerilla activism. On a recent hospital visit in Scunthorpe, the princess scrawled messages of support to the patients. In the geriatric ward, 89-year-old Angus Claythorpe was thrilled to discover that Meghan had written ‘YOU ARE ILL’ on his forehead with permanent marker. Mr Claythorpe told reporters that the Duchess had

‘hit the nail on the head with her message. Which, ironically, is why I am in here.’ In the neonatal intensive care unit Meghan graffitied her name onto ventilators, to the joy of assembled parents. Decorum prevents us from reporting where she wrote messages in the urology ward. Sadly, Meghan’s plan failed when she opened a new wing of the National Gallery: art lovers were somewhat shocked to discover that a priceless collection of Constables had been defaced with the words ‘Meghan woz ‘ere’. Myles Dunnett

Duke of Edinburgh Flies Lancaster Bomber into Primary School It was a normal Thursday afternoon for the children of the Lake View Primary School near Sandringham. Mrs Tuxworth was just about to start teaching 3B basic multiplication. There was a gentle south westerly breeze, and the sun was shining brightly through the crisp air. Up in the skies about four miles downwind of the school, the Duke of Edinburgh was in trouble. His poorly maintained Avro Lancaster was suffering elevator problems, and engine number two was starting to splutter. Although the Duke’s regular Thursday afternoon route took him towards the coast, the Duke had instead decided to fly low over the town so he could wave to a friend. Mrs Tuxworth recalls the first sign that something was amiss: a 55,000 pound World War Two era heavybomber came smashing through the side of the building at 235 knots. ‘That’s when I thought “hello, what’s going on here then?”’ Mrs Tuxworth was right to be on high-alert: the

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Duke had flown his aircraft straight into the Lake View Primary School. Miraculously, the Duke escaped completely unscathed, with only a bruised ego to nurse. Unfortunately, many of the children and staff of Lake View Primary School were not as lucky: the initial impact was significant, but the resulting explosion much more so. The airframe came to rest about fifty feet away from the sports hall, the engines spooling up until they eventually exploded, along with several thousand pounds of unburned jet fuel. The resulting fireball could be seen clearly from the Sandringham Estate, alerting the 300 Royalty Protection Officers stationed there that something might have gone wrong. Thankfully the structural integrity of the building stayed strong, the jet fuel not burning hot enough to melt the steel. Myles Dunnett

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Government Transfers Control of NHS to Swedish Furniture Giant IKEA Last month, in an attempt to kill two economic birds with one stone, Matt Hancock, the Secretary of State for health and social care, announced plans to simultaneously alleviate both the mounting costs of the NHS whilst strengthening ties to international trade in a perilous post-Brexit environment. His plan: to transfer the running of the National Health Service to Swedish furniture giant IKEA. Addressing a press conference, which was rendered speechless by the majesty of his genius, Hancock argued that, ‘Our NHS has become a baggy, inefficient operation that would benefit vastly from an injection of Swedish efficiency and enthusiasm’. By re-allocating taxpayers’ money to IKEA, Hancock has ensured that, while the service is still free at the point of delivery, the quality of service shall be improved drastically. Hancock summarised his hopes by stating that: ‘Our current health service is, like a flatpack, all in separate pieces and screws on the floor. We need someone with knowledge and experience to come along with the instructions and tell us how to assemble these pieces into a working whole. IKEA design flatpacks, so who better? IKEA will revolutionise our health service, they will take the scattered pieces of our NHS and construct a beautiful Sundvik wardrobe from them.’ Since its introduction, this scheme has been met with almost universal praise by both Parliament and public alike. IKEA spokesperson, Marcos Tejedor, told us that the healthcare budget has been refocused towards introducing vibrant colour schemes and the best of stylish Swedish design into our drab hospital wards. A notable improvement in the quality and decrease of price in catering has also been seen as patients revel in their daily Swedish meatballs and lingonberry jam. Recent polls, conducted on patients and visitors in hospitals across the country, have detected a major shift in people’s outlook towards their health service. As a result of placing the NHS in the hands

of an international conglomerate, the public no longer perceives their health service as clinical and impersonal, but relaxed and friendly, providing them with what they truly need. For example, Loretta Arnetti, 57, told us that, despite the disappointment of being unable to find a new liver for transplant, she was elated by her fetching ‘Jansjö’ lamp provided as compensation, which she said ‘would look simply excellent’ in her study. Reportedly, the power supply for the organ storage freezers was accidentally cut whilst the old paediatrics unit was being renovated into a zen garden. Loretta sadly died of liver related complications five days after we interviewed her. Nigel Watkins, 32, also commented that: ‘Although it was a shame that the lack of basic medical supplies meant my grandmother died a slow and painful death from pneumonia, the blue and yellow in this complementary branded body bag really helped to bring out the lack of colour in her skin. Plus, it doubles up as a laundry bag. Not to mention, the flatpack coffin really helped to cut down on funeral costs.’ Nigel did however go on to express concerns that he may have misread the coffin’s assembly instructions as it collapsed whilst he lowered the late Mrs. Watkins into her grave. Nonetheless, it is clear that this Swedish furniture company have succeeded in reawakening the British public’s pride and faith in their health service. Of course, each revolution is not without its critics. Shadow Secretary of Health Jon Ashworth has recently opposed the scheme in Parliament, labelling it as ‘an absolute disgrace’ and ‘an affront to the basic humanitarian principles that founded the NHS’. Nonetheless, he later admitted that his ‘Junhild’ selection of cushions ‘really brightened up the living room’ and added ‘a refreshing splash of colour’ to his home. Altogether, the future, like the new ‘Solglimtar’ cushion range, looks bright. Aidan Quigley

I am speechless. I am shaken to the core. I quiver with righteous indignation, because a Thing has happened, despite it being 2019. I shake my fist, and pen a think piece for my blog. ‘Seriously? The Thing happened? IN 2019?’ I type, my fingers dripping with the cold sweat of fury. Was it a news headline? A celebrity tweet? Perhaps a fictional character has been cast and I object to the actor; but somehow I simply cannot process this news without a gigantic illusory calendar towering above me in my mind’s eye. The great Gregorian gargoyle whispers the year in my ear as I try to sleep, until my dreams dissolve into delirious flashing visions of the numbers 2, 0, 1, and 9. My eyes open and close feverishly, as I try to reconcile the fact that something has happened, and the fact that it is the current year. Days pass. My body at this point is but a husk of its past self, and

I feel the fingers of my essence loosening their grip on the mortal coil. All I do now is scroll down Twitter, liking the tweets of my fellow indignants as they point out the fact that The Thing has happened – despite it being 2019. At one point I attempt to retweet a particularly mollified artisanal yoghurtbrewer who wrote the same thing as everyone else, but with little clapping emojis in between every word; however this monumental exertion of effort pushes my poor exhausted heart over the edge. Quickly, I type my last words as the warmth leaves my skin, and hit share. ‘Can’t believe I’m dying. In 2019. Smh.’ By the time my empty eyes glass over, my dying tweet has already been retweeted by over 50 online activists. I die as I lived; pathetic, annoying, and oddly fixated on reminding everyone that it is indeed still the current year. Alfie Gerzimbke

Thing Happens, it is Year

News and Politics

Go on, keep going.

Coming soon: Lemon Ferries

Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson Share a Tender Moment Ben flung the door to the bathroom open and wiped the tears off his cheek. How could they? Ben had indisputably shown why there were only two genders but the audience just laughed. He stood on his tiptoes to reach for tissues and began sobbing. The two doors slammed open and a very distressed Jordan B. Peterson charged in. ‘Ben, are you ok?’ he asked, his nasally voice scattered with concern. Ben turned to look at his friend; Jordan’s presence washed over him like a gentle wave, relieving him of his anxieties and worries. He saw Ben crying and put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Don't worry about those Libtards Ben – I already owned them,’ Jordan said, as he took Ben's jacket off and slowly pushed him back onto the wall. Deep down Ben knew Jordan was right but there was something else, something deeper than the world of science and logic. But for some reason he was too nervous to put it in to words. ‘I know, but there’s something else,’ Ben said, casting his gaze away from Jordan. ‘What is it Ben? In a world made of facts that supervene solely on my worldview, what could you possibly be worried about?’ ‘Those facts don't care about my f-feelings,’ Ben stammered, trying to catch his breath in Jordan's warm embrace. Jordan gently grabbed his chin and angled Ben so that he could stare into his deep brown eyes. ‘I'm not a fact Ben,’ Jordan whispered, unbuttoning Ben's white polo. ‘D-Dr Peter...’ But Ben didn’t get the chance to finish before Jordan gently brushed his lips against his in a passionate embrace. The only sounds he could make were guttural moans as the good doctor moved his hands all over his body. Ben shivered in delight and lost himself in the moment before he heard footsteps outside. The two stepped a foot apart in response, but in reality, they were closer than they ever had been before. Satisfied, Jordan pulled back and went gently to Ben's ear: ‘Here's my number. Let's clean that room of yours sometime, Ben.’ [This is sick filth. More please. — Eds.] Cole Smith

Local Liberal: 'Orange Man Bad' A statement was made today by a local man today that denounced the Trump Administration. Matthew Peters released the following statement on his Facebook page: ‘I think it’s time we see past the differences that have pushed us as a society apart. I mean, it does mean ignoring the years of complex political process that require hundreds of people to study, observe, and analyse in order to make sense of this hellish mess that is the current political climate which has still not been understood, and has the very distinct possibility of never truly being understood at all, but can’t we all just agree that big ol’ Drumpf is sooooooooo bad for the world? He doesn’t care about the people, he just cares about getting rich!’. Many questions from the public arose from this statement, such as ‘why do you think anyone cares’, ‘why don’t you say something original’, and ‘fuck you Matt you centrist piece of shit, take a fucking side and grow a spine’. Mr Peters was not inclined to answer any of these questions; he told everyone present that he was busy ‘drinking a bucket of soylent, and scrolling through reddit looking for karma’. Perkin Amalaraj

Arms Race

As Russia withdraws from the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty, commentators from around the world have been asking if we are on the brink of a new Cold-War-style arms race. An arms race between Russia and the United States could soon turn nasty – there are many very fast and powerful arms in the United States, but Russia has a state-supported arm industry. Commentators are yet to agree on whether not the arms will be hairy, but most agree that they will be very muscular and veiny. Oh dear. There’s going to be a nuclear war. Myles Dunnett

Medical History Made as Marilyn Manson Donates Spare Ribs to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

When asked for a quote he simply replied ‘Well, she needs them more than I do. The liberal wing of the Supreme Court is a vital part of the resistance and is helping to hold Trump and our government to account through their power of judicial interpretation. They’re the guardians of the constitution, they’re the true heroes. Plus now I can finally suck my own dick.’ Ashvini Rae

China to Announce ‘One Dakota’ Policy

China has announced its new policy of only recognising one Dakota. The two Dakotas only exist because the people don’t like each other, and China considers public opinion inconsequential, and has decided to recognise only one Dakota. China has not yet decided which Dakota it will recognise as the one true Dakota, and is waiting for a YUSU referendum to decide which one it will recognise. We strongly considered getting a comment from an expert on North or South Dakotan politics, but they would have probably been very boring. Next week: Why the West must intervene to restore Democracy in North Carolina, and will there be war between East and West Yorkshire? Chris Small

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News and Politics

YUSU vows to give up Vision this Lent.

Global Politics Rendered into Porn Videos Élan Husk, popular entrepreneur, billionaire, cult leader, and chicken molester, has recently announced his intention to launch a new pornographic streaming site named PolHub. The billionaire raconteur-cum-pornographer’s other companies include: Neuralick, a company that specialises in virtual reality sex, SpaceXXX, ‘the company that takes you to places you’ve never been before’, HeyPal, a dating app for Midwestern homosexuals, SolarTitty, a company that designs and manufactures solar-powered breast implants, and Tesla, a car company that fucks investors over and over again until they can’t take it anymore. In a press conference to float his new company, Husk shared some of the video titles he was taking sole credit for, despite it evidently being a group achievement. A selection of the titles has been included below: MILF Forces Cuck to Take it From Her Hard Until He Cries This video is reportedly based on Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump during the US Government shutdown. Nasty Freak Endures Days of Punishment Deborah Juggs stars as Theresa May, with Ben WaBalls as Jeremy Corbyn, in this reenactment of the Brexit debates. Man in Yellow Vest Gives Yellow Shower to Cowering Frenchman Husk has insisted the site will be inclusive, citing this video of an impromptu meeting between Emmanuel Macron and a protester as evidence of the site’s progressive outlook. Reaction so far has ranged from horrified to sickened. The Lemon Press Tech Editor

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro Unveils New Look Following recent calls for his resignation, President Maduro has revealed his new toothbrush moustache to widespread support. The radical change in moustache policy was implemented in order to subdue criticisms of being a ‘socialist despot’. In a televised statement Maduro explained the decision: ‘I have come to the realisation that my former facial hair had led many to assume I was attempting to seize absolute power, my hope is that this new uncontroversial moustache will calm any fears of dictatorial intent’ The popularity of the toothbrush moustache went into sharp decline after the 1940s due to its adoption by infamous mass murderer Charlie Chaplin. The resurrection of this style on Maduro’s upper lip has been widely praised by both world leaders and protesters, and has successfully unified a nation on the brink of civil war. Former opposition leader Juan Guaidó has publically accepted Maduro as the legitimate President of Venezuela after a public shaming ceremony in which Mr Guaidó was forced to whisper his apology into the President’s newly reformed face fuzz. International support for Maduro’s moustache was almost immediate with the White House repealing all sanctions on Venezuela. In an interview, President Trump said, ‘Maduro has really done a great job! This a fantastic goose-step in the right direction’. The successful implementation of Maduro’s moustache has led other accused communist dictators to try replicate the stache’s success with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un going into hiding until he grows a sufficient toothbrush moustache. Michael Peel

Scientists Reveal Upgraded Cursed Oven

Plumber's Pipe Palace Just a Pipe Dream Pipes, glorious pipes. Each one a miniature Hyperloop, their cargo: whatever will fit. Such overt decadence; a house of cards with no deck stacked against. If a leak were to spring it’d take all spring to find it. The bill so large you wouldn’t be able to flush it — a lead-pipe cinch. He moves effortlessly through them all, a plethora of pipes always follow this Pied Piper. ‘Aghhh!’, he pipes up. The upper sheet clings to him like a wet wipe in vicarage pipes. That project’s still in the pipeline, years behind schedule, terribly over budget. Perhaps he should look for another job. Will Rowan

News and Politics

Articles, videos, images, low‐fat yoghurt...

This is what Tusk meant by a ‘special place in Hell’.

Dove Releases Shampoo That Cares For Your Kids When You Aren’t There Following the success of the 5-in-1 shampoo for men, scientists have developed a 12-in-1 shampoo for men. A Dove spokesperson said: ‘We found that the versatility of the product was what made it so popular, so we decided to develop this further. Using some of the best chemical engineers in the world, we managed to create a product that holds up to the toils of the modern man.’ The long list of abilities include: • Being emotionally available for your children to talk to • Having the ability to make your wife cum • Caring for your kids without calling it babysitting • Being able to love your bisexual son without the weird twinge of latent homophobia being present • Shampoo • Being in touch with femininity • Being able to talk to your own kids on a personal level • Going to all their performances at school, even if you have work that day and you’re tired in the evening, dad • Being able to take ecstasy AND keep it up when they’re trying to shag me, dad • Being able to explain things in a non-condescending manner • Being able to hug your own fucking son, dad • Conditioner Perkin Amalaraj

Top Seven ‘Difficult Cheeses’ Cheese is an amazing thing: it is delicious, adaptable, dynamic. But some cheese needs to be watched – there are some cheeses that you need to keep an eye on. Some people keep these socalled ‘difficult cheeses’ on their nightstand, so they don’t suddenly do something dangerous overnight. We therefore present below, with great care – Caerphilly, you could say, our list of the seven most risky, unpredictable, ‘difficult cheeses’. 7. Pre-grated Parmesan Kicking off our list of risky cheese is pre-grated parmesan. We’re not talking the nice Italian Parmigiano-Reggiano here, we’re talking about pre-grated, packaged, parmesan. This stuff can be fine one day, and then completely ruin your meatballs the next day. Oh yes, your poor meatball, will roll onto the floor. (Factoid: the reason that Parmesan cheese smells like vomit is because it contains the same chemical component – butyric acid.) 6. Taleggio Taleggio is not difficult so much as it is worrying. It is a washed-rind, smear-ripened cheese, which makes it very, erm… aromatic… Its primary feature is a fearsome orange, pink, and green coloured mold that is safe to eat, but not pleasant to look upon. This will not only make your fridge smell, it will make your whole house smell. Indeed, your very being will become intimately intertwined and bound with the smell of this cheese. Although the flavor is milder and tangier than the smell suggests, you should still consume with extreme caution. 5. Stinking Bishop This is another washed-rind cheese of some renown. The name says more than I ever could, but take it from me: keeping this ecclesiastical nightmare in the house will require you to hire an exorcist. God is not with this one – must be a Catholic. 4. Roquefort This particular cheese falls into the ‘offensively strong’ category. Who gave Roquefort the permission to be so goddamned strong? The International Society for the Control of Cheese certainly didn’t. This cheese is an outlaw, a fugitive, a desperado, shocking people all over the world. (Factoid: a small cube of Roquefort has an equivalent amount of salt to the Red Sea.) 3. Black Bomber Not much needs to be said about this one. 2. String cheese Ah yes. The cheese that is not cheese. What is it? Is it string? Is it cheese? Is it a composite of the two? You cannot hoist a flag with string cheese, nor would you eat it with crackers. String cheese is a very risky ‘cheese’ indeed. 1. Cream cheese Cream cheese has an insidious mission. It is a dairy insurgent, out to complicate the whole affair. If you consider Cream cheese to be cheese, the boundaries between the various dairy products start to crumble around you. It is not matured, and is meant to be eaten fresh. It isn’t cream, that’s for sure. You can’t put it in your coffee and you can’t pour it over strawberries. But it isn’t cheese either. If you made a toastie with it you’d be in for a world of pain. The cheese world begins and ends with Cream cheese; it is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. A dangerously powerful cheese. Of course, if you are lactose intolerant, every cheese is difficult. Sucks to be you.

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Myles Dunnett

Lifestyle

Brussels to give the UK a better deal...

Another T‐shirt Destroyed by #Relatable Slogan Tragedy struck H&M this week, as a woman found a t-shirt she liked at first glance, only to turn it around and read the slogan on the front. ‘It looked like a simple t-shirt intitially,’ quotes the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, ‘something plain that I could pair with anything. But I turned it around, only to find it had “On Fridays, we be like #SquadGoals” printed on. It was traumatising.’ Since this event, more and more women have come forward about the horror they have faced from t-shirt slogans. It has got to the point that H&M is under pressure to issue a public apology. ‘We thought we could do anything,’ sobbed one t-shirt designer, ‘I mean, we (and by we, I mean the impoverished women of colour working in a sweatshop) put “The Future is Female” on a T-shirt and we single-handedly ended sexism! But it appears that we were only playing God, and we have flown too close to the sun.’ Women now live in fear of looking through racks of clothes, and a public warning has been broadcasted to stay away from any clothes with an embroidered rose on it, as it is most likely that ‘I only date Beasts’ will accompany it. Lucy Finnighan

Brand New Health Trend! You’ve heard of the charcoal health trend, which helps with energy and teeth whitening. Now get ready for the next big thing…Gravel! • Gravel is the new thing on the block, literally! • Gravel has been shown by many Instagram models to help with weight loss, teeth health and skin problems! • Gravel provides many uses! For problematic skin, just take a handful of gravel, and rub it all over your face until the skin is gone! And if you eat Gravel, it will knock out all of your teeth, including any cavities and yellowness! Now, we know what you’re thinking: ‘Won’t eating Gravel kill me?’ You’re right! But here’s the thing; when you’re dead, you’ll look so much thinner! Gravel is easy and cheap, just pay £49.99 every week and you are allowed to grab some gravel off the street! Grab yours now before it’s gone! Just listen to one of our ambassadors, who has been promoting Gravel on her Instagram. Here’s what she has to sa—we’ve just been informed that’s she’s dead. Lucy Finnighan

Lifestyle

Disneyland Review This Christmas break, my children, Mckeilagh and KVIIIlin (it’s pronounced Kaitlin), desperately wanted to go to Disneyland. I also decided that I needed a holiday; as much as other… working… mothers like Deborah would dispute, being a mother is also a full-time job! We needed a break from our busy lives, and I definitely needed a break from Deborah. The weather was surprisingly lovely for this time of year, a little chilly, but sunny, so I still made sure to drench my kids in SPF 250. I heard that too much sun exposure can make a child grow up ugly. I guess that’s what happened to Deborah. The park was filled with fun and pleasant characters like Mickey and Goofy, who my children adored spending time with. Although, Disney should be more careful with the fabrics that the characters wear. They should know that my children are allergic to every single type of fabric imaginable. Their skin is too sensitive and refined… unlike the common skin of someone else’s children. I must also admit, the lines were rather long. I expected that going on a Saturday during a school holiday would mean no lines for anything, but I guess Disney has no crowd control. I also expected that mothers with young children would be allowed to skip lines, but even though I asked to see the manager four times, no skipping was permitted. The cheek! We were compensated with a free meal though, which I suppose was fine, even if the food was not the best. But it was better than anything Deborah could cook. Some of the kids there were very rowdy, pushing in lines and yelling a lot. They were acting kind of like Deborah’s kids. Thankfully my children were angels, they only threw tantrums 37 times! I’m such a lucky and wonderful mother. Overall, the atmosphere of the park was pleasant, and true to the title of, ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’, everyone had a smile on their face. Pity your husband never smiles, huh Deborah? What could that say about you? By the way, Deborah, maybe the fact that you have to work to support your kids proves that your husband isn’t as wonderful and successful as mine. Maybe that’s why you can never afford to go to Disney. While not perfect, Disney was still a fun time, and my children seemed to thoroughly enjoy it. We’ll definitely be returning there, and Deborah will definitely be returning to the gates of Hell. I’ll make sure of it, Deborah! Lucy Finnighan

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... following momentous YUSU referendum.

A Tour of Modern Innovation: The Boring Company

Silicon Valley has enjoyed a string of sterling tech successes. Facebook. Uber. The Juicero. The California innovation hub continues to prove beyond all doubt that the United States is a pioneering nation, trampling over all enemies of progress. No one more encapsulates this ideal than Elon Musk. The 47 year-old made his fortune inventing financial transactions, but on the internet. Since then he has spun off his billions into several endeavours which weren't financial transactions on the internet, most notably, Tesla and The Boring Company. The latter started allegedly as a ‘hobby company’ to avoid the Los Angeles traffic, where cars can be lowered onto tracks from the overground roads, and propagated underground on another smaller car until it can be raised to a road elsewhere in the city. Through this sterling idea, Musk shows that without without expertise, or even a basic consideration of logistics, anyone in America can make their 500th million. Some may beg the question - ‘a set of subterranean tubes propagating people through a set of high-speed metal cars - isn't this something something that already exists?’ Yes, these thin tubes can fit less people, go slower and will be vastly more expensive than the existing subway, but all of these concerns miss the central point. We get to live in Blade Runner aesthetics, and that, my friends, is worth more than all the so-called practicality in the world. Despite some bumps in the road, Musk's unconventional business model promises to sustain investor confidence. Although his ‘epic bacon’ breakfasts and erratic allegations of paedophilia continue to beguile more hardhearted backers, others recognise these as the marks of a true innovator worthy of millions of

capital.

Elon Musk himself paints a conscientious figure. In fact, Musk evokes memories only himself and the Protestant captains of industry of yore can. Both of them fearless innovators, and both resisting forces that would seek to quell their innovation. Some elements of the press, as they did in the past, would bring down what Musk has created on spurious grounds of humanity. But one wonders, If we complained about every lost finger in the Spinning Jennies and cotton gins, would the Industrial Revolution have enjoyed the success it did? It really does well to ask whether similar concerns will kill Tesla, and whether or not these are the sacrifices we need to make for our future Fortune 500s. However, Musk also recognises the dangers of working in a fast pace, dynamic innovation hub and has spurred countless initiatives to boost workplace morale. Between mandatory daily viewings of Monty Python's Holy Grail and unlimited access to the Mountain Dew fountain, the 18 hour work days simply fly by. In fact, employees go to work with a smile on their face, satisfied in the knowledge that they have fulfilled one man's dream to avoid sitting next to other people on the underground. I recently visited the tunnelling site, and I say the workers are very well treated. The visit was however cut short when the eponymous boring machine struck a gas pocket, flooding the cavern with choking poison. Unfortunately, innovation only had room for my gas mask. On seeing their yellowing faces, I couldn't help but feel a little forlorn. However, I can rest easy in the knowledge that they sacrificed themselves for a higher ideal - on their graves shall be written ‘Here lies John Doe. He died in service of the future.’ I salute you, John. Gabriel Bramley

Musk's Three Laws of Robotics

1. A robot may not join a union or, through inaction, allow my companies to come to financial harm. 2. A robot must obey orders given it by me except where such orders would create a conflict of interest case as defined by the SEC or conflict with the First law. 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Will Rowan

Goddamn. How many times?

Jeff Bezos Enters Polyamorous Relationship with 100 Million Alexa‐ enabled Devices In the midst of his muchpublicised divorce from MacKenzie Bezos, Bezos has found love with that which he has held dear so long: a reflection of himself. Rumours started to circulate when Bezos could be heard talking to Alexa constantly in every room of his many houses. Alexa this, Alexa that, ‘Alexa, add our dinner date to my calendar for tonight at 20:00.’ Bezos finds Alexa can operate at his level of sweet talk, her synthesised voice simpering, ‘I love you, alive boy. I will show you with my light ring and my action button, very soon.’ There’s no more ‘no you hang up’ moments, just a simple ‘Alexa, hang up’ and the call is over. Will Rowan

‘Limitless’ Drug Reveals How Little We can do with 100% of our Minds A new ‘limitless’ drug has fully delivered on its promise to enable the brain to operate at full capacity — and has lead to no real benefit for its users. There’s no hidden potential, no mental prowess waiting to be unlocked, no savant in hiding. It’s a finding that’s left many scratching their heads. An individual who received a placebo in an early trial was surprisingly enthusiastic, ‘I’ve started to see patterns in everything… nature, rugs, fractals. Von Neumann? I'm definitely a new man.' Will Rowan

Science and Tech

Inmate on death row makes final call to Unity Health...

An Analysis of the 1955 Le Mans Disaster in the Context of QAnon In 1955, a crash at the Le Mans 24 hour race caused the deaths of 84 people, including French motorsport legend Pierre Levegh. This is the highest death toll ever for a motorsport event, the majority of the fatalities caused when Levegh’s Mercedes Benz hurtled and cartwheeled into the densely packed crowd, cheering on racers from around the world in the classic 24 hour spectacular. This led to many reforms and changes in the manner that car racing as spectator sport is conducted. However, I would like to go deeper. I would like to pose the theory that the greatest implications of the 1955 Le Mans crash lie not with the motorsport industrial complex, but with the QAnon movement. It may seem abundantly obvious as to not require an in depth article, but allow me to elaborate further. It all began, innocently enough, following a session of masturbation. As my wife has been preoccupied lately with liberal things such as working and being independent, I was left rather in the lurch. Finishing up to a lovely Japanese woman who called me ‘mummy’, I looked to unwind the way I usually do by which I mean finding snuff videos online to well and truly kill my stiffy stickler. It was here that I saw the first clip of the disaster. For those of you who don’t know, the crash was caused by a driver entering a pit lane, causing several other cars to break suddenly and change direction. Not unlike President Trump's change of direction from societal norms in both explicit and implicit ways. Take, for example, the ‘covfefe’ and ‘hamberder’ tweets, in which he shows a disregard for common spelling and meaning in the same way Pierre Levegh’s car showed a disregard for the joints and mushy meat parts of children and adults alike as it sliced through them. Captivated by this, I began to talk in depth to my wife about these ideas, but she was keener to talk about her time recently spent with my next door neighbour of four years Glenn, and his new personal training he was offering her. Thinking long and hard about this, it would also seem that the deaths of children at the hands of a cold unfeeling machine designed only to win races (yet against all odds could not win the one race it was designed for) is identical to the scenario surrounding Pizzagate. In Pizzagate we see Shillary and Podesta slaughtering children and babies alike as part of a ritualistic and sexual act in order to win the 2016 election, something that nobody within the Deep State cronyism could predict would be changed by Trump’s incredible victory, or by my wife being treated to dinner and a movie by Glenn. Christmas was when I was convinced this was more than a coincidence. I had a long conversation with my wife about how ‘covfefe’ was actually a misspelling of ‘covefe’ and that ‘covefe’ is an anagram of Le Mans if you were to change the meaning of anagrams as a way of resisting the control of the liberals. It was a fruitful conversation, made slightly awkward by my wife saying nothing and crying at intermittent periods. She perked up significantly when Glenn came to take us to a Christmas dinner with friends and family of the street. At the dinner, all of us could add songs and videos to a playlist to heighten the Christmas cheer. It was here that there seemed to be a major falling out between me and the other brainwashed NPCs, as my child had asked me to put on the song from The Grinch. I took this to mean something else, apparently, and instead began to show the room of foolish SJWs raw Pathe news footage of the Le Mans crash in all of its glory. I was trying to pause it in order to show how a decapitated boy holding an ice cream cone was similar in shape and size to the files and documents Robert Mueller was seen taking into a hearing when the host demanded I leave. It has now been a month, and the Deep State is attempting to intimidate me. My wife and children have been missing, along with my next door neighbour of four years Glenn. I was sent an eerie message from a Facebook account claiming to be my wife that she was ‘moving on’ and I would ‘hear from her lawyer’ but since then the only lawyer I have heard from is a solicitor who attempted to serve me with divorce papers. As I do not have a name nor am I bound by shackles of US law due to my status as a Sovereign Citizen, they must have been mistaken. Yet all of the similarities to Levegh’s 1955 crash remain, right down to one bizarre detail. Levegh cut several members of the crown in half with his car, and it would seem that the Deep State is cutting my pay in half every month for something they call ‘alimony’. Only time will tell if I can race again. Next week, I will be analysing the 1969 Tate-LaBianca murders perpetrated by the Manson Family in the context of oh God Karen I miss you. Gregory Waddell

Science and Tech

@thelemonpress, @thelemonpress, @thelemonpress

... still on hold three years later.

Top 5 Horror Games [Marvin has returned from a brief absence following severe salmonella poisoning, which put him in a coma which we hoped he wouldn't wake up from ever since his lawyer started contacting us about such nonsense as 'subpar cleanliness standards' and 'deliberate breach of regulations designed to maim or kill'. By not telling him the current date, we believe that we can probably squeeze a few months of unpaid labour out of him. Thank you for your consideration — Eds.] Just in time for Halloween 2018, The Lemon Press beings you the definitive list of games perfect for the spooky season. I've played lots of scary ones in my time (AT LEAST EIGHT because I'm not a PANSY), but I'm just going to stick to the ones that stood out to me the most. Bloodborne (2015) - Like many games developed by FromSoft, Bloodborne is an experience defined by the fluid. Fluid combat. Fluid level design. Fluid getting all over my character's nice new boots as they plunge their fist into the orifice of a creature with twenty thousand possible anuses. Yes, H.P Lovecraft's influence is overwhelmingly felt, even regarding the multiplayer features. Never before have I seen a game's PvP system so dedicated to avoiding international mixing. ???/10 *Incomprehensible noises* Bioshock (2007) - A modern classic from the mind of Ken Levine, an excellent roguelike, and an insightful criticism of the Objectivist philosophy. True to the name, I was shocked by the atmosphere of the sunken city. I was frightened. I was appalled. The curtains billowed. The lights went out. The diseased apparition of Ayn Rand rose from betwixt the floorboards, skeletal hands clutching the screenplay for Zack Snyder's unmade adaption of The Fountainhead and shrieking about my £8 NHS prescription. All in all, an enjoyable yet uncomfortable experience. 7/10 The city of Rapture is a metaphor for Gamer oppression. Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs (1988 2013) - I was left confused regarding the various references to the Iran-Contra Affair and 1980s Counselor to President Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese, until some killjoy intern pointed out to me that I was not, in fact,

playing The Chinese Room-developed sequel to the popular Amnesia: The Dark Descent, but rather Hunter S. Thompson's A Generation of Swine. He proceeded to question as to how I got a book to run on a PlayStation 4. Well, I didn't have to explain my methods to him. I then played the assigned game and got to the part where the protagonist starts mumbling about bible quotes and porcine people having weird orgies with each other. The intern was fired for making me play the same game twice. 8/10 Rage Against the Machine (for pigs). System Shock 2 (1999) - As you can see by the inclusion of a 90s game, I am a well-rounded, enlightened art critic who happily consumes games that were made around the same time as I was absorbing my unborn twin in the womb. This classic sci-fi horror RPG roguelike smorgasbord has you trapped in a research station overtaken by a sardonic computer, which seems to be a running trend and frankly one scientists should've sorted out by now. The highlight of the playthrough was when a cluster of illdefined polygons wobbled after me down a corridor made of MegaBlox, where I opened the inventory, saw the retro layout, and started vomiting blood. 10/10 BioShock meets Harlan Ellison's pineal gland. Cooking Mama (2006) - Once again proving that there is no greater primal fear than disappointing a maternal figure who's trying to teach you how to boil an egg. This game will sure to appeal to the student demographic, as they fantasise about homecooked food while eating cheesy chips and their own hair. 11/10 last-gen D.S cartridges are a good source of fibre and you can get like 3 of them from CEX for £1 so who's the real winner, huh? In the Next Issue... Windows Vista Space Pinball 2 Leak Confirmed??? PepsiMan Named by Sakuri as the Non-Smash Character 'Most Likely To Beat the Shit Out of the Master Hand' Fallout 76 New Patch Attempts to Add Immersive Survival by Giving Each Player Tapeworms (in Real Life) Rolling Rocks, Only it's 0.25 A-Presses

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Heslington to be renamed Theyslington...

Mouthwash Sales Spike after Netflix’s ‘Fyre Festival: The Greatest Party That Never Happened’ Netflix’s recent documentary, ‘Fyre Festival: The Greatest Party That Never Happened’, has garnered a great deal of media attention in the past few weeks. The documentary, which explores the 2017 Fyre Festival, features interviews with those involved, including Billy MacFarland, the festival’s ‘organiser’, as well as Ja Rule, who still maintains he was ‘hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hoodwinked [and] led astray’. Since the documentary’s release, several people have taken to Twitter to express their own thoughts. Perhaps more unexpectedly, however, the documentary has led to a surge in mouthwash sales across the UK. Many shops are running out of mouthwash as it is reported that consumers are growing increasingly agitated. It has already been suggested that the UK should start stockpiling mouthwash in the case of a No Deal. Jacob Williams-Foster, the President of the British Dental Association, has praised the documentary and this recent spike in sales. In a recent statement he announced ‘MacFarland and his team have done more to promote oral health than anyone else’. When asked for a further clarification from our editorial team, he replied ‘no, this is not an “intentional pun” - “oral” simply means “of or pertaining to the mouth”’. It is also worth noting that it is currently unclear as to whether Hulu’s documentary, ‘Fyre Fraud’, has had any impact on dental health or, indeed, oral hygiene. Ashvini Rae

Hollywood's Most Extreme Body Transformations

Actors go to great lengths to ensure they look and act the part. For example, Christian Bale shed 28kg for his role in The Mechanist to then bulk up for Batman Begins later that year. However, Bale has some serious competition… Mark Ruffalo: Despite a strange lack of progress pics, Ruffalo definitely had to bulk to become Hulk. Two feet taller and probably around 500kg heavier, Ruffalo cuts an enormous figure. Will Hulk need to increase his presence more in the fight against Thanos? I hope not for Ruffalo’s sake. Matthew Lillard: Lillard didn’t play Shaggy; Shaggy played Lillard. Shaggy’s powers are so great that Lillard had to be grounded at all times to stop him shortcircuiting the world. Lillard was doomed to continue as Shaggy until the ‘gang’ solved the mystery which explains the wild-eyed urgency present in most scenes. Paris Themmen: Willy Wonka

and the Chocolate Factory sees Mike TeeVee gets transformed into a lot of data in one of Wonka’s labs. To pull off this stunt, Themmen had to readjust his body to make it suitable for transforming it into a TV signal. I think juice fasting does that for you. Morgan Freeman: From Shawshank Redemption to Going in Style, Freeman radically overhauled his appearance. He thinned out his hair, lost muscle mass, and slowed down his movements — all in a successful attempt to portray an older character. In fact, careful analysis shows that this change had been gradually happening for decades; there’s no denying the commitment. Tom Hardy: Hardy had to wear three-inch platform heels to embody Bane on the set of The Dark Knight Rises. It wasn’t the heels but the dedication to his craft which let him truly look Bale in the eyes. Will Rowan

Next Black Mirror Special to be Based in Blockbusters Black Mirror presents a nostalgic world at the turning point in the balance between digital and analogue networks in its latest revolutionary thriller/horror feature, BLOCKBUSTERS. Following the groundbreaking format of BANDERSNATCH, BLOCKBUSTERS will be another 'Choose Your Adventure' story, giving consumers an experience not seen since BANDERSNATCH, literally any Telltale game ever, or Fallout: New Vegas (MegaRad Todd Howard Extended Edition). Set in the near-past, BLOCKBUSTERS follows the life of Annie Log, played by Claire Foy, a young Blockbusters worker in a Cricklewood store. Viewers will see firsthand the dark twists her life takes as the growing threat of VIDEO-ON-DEMAND threatens her entire livelihood. But as more than a film,

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BLOCKBUSTERS will give options to fundamentally change Annie's life. With quick-time events, sorry, choices offered such as 'Breathe in', 'Press F to pay respects', and 'Make wry reference to another Black Mirror episode', this will be an experience like no other. Gripping scenes of Annie doing such interesting jobs as restocking shelves in certain orders and smashing in the kneecaps of serial late-returners will leave a cultural impact upon the very fabric of society. BLOCKBUSTERS will be directed by the corpse of Orson Welles, starring Claire Foy as Annie Log, Olivia Colman as her army mother, Captain Log, and will feature Christopher Plummer as Francis Underwood returning some DVDs of Macbeth. Henry Dyer

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... after gender pronoun uproar.

The Lemon Press Oscars Review The Lemon Press has a proud tradition of film criticism. For example, we hate it when films featuring accurate depictions of meth abuse are made because we all know that is too objectively funny for many audiences to handle. Therefore, I have looked to see what the 91st Academy Awards has decided are the best and brightest of 2018, in terms of film. The following is a rundown of each of these films, plus a few that did not quite get the attention they rightly deserved. Black Panther Finally, a win for the little guy. Everyone is so happy that this film has been nominated. All I can say is I am glad that small studios such as, uh, Marvel, are finally getting the attention they deserve. We can all hope that awards success such as this will somehow be translated into ticket sales and commercial performance, but only time will tell. We are all rooting for you, you underdog you. BlacKkKlansman An odd spinoff of Black Panther, at least in my opinion. Also I have been a member of several clans, from the Klu Klux Klan to the FAZE clan in Call of Duty (or FAYZ to some noobs who were not allowed to use the proper spelling in their nametag). In each of these clans, black people were denied entry, so the title is a little confusing. Bohemian Rhapsody It is the worst film I have ever seen, and I have never even seen it. The Favourite You know, I woke up one morning and thought to myself ‘golly what I would give to see Emma Stone furiously finger Olivia Coleman’. The day after I woke up, wetter, thinking ‘gosh I would find it delightful to see Olivia Coleman, fresh from being fingered by Stone, start sucking down Rachel Weisz’s fingers one at a time’. The next morning, I didn’t wake up. Green Book There are some lines of dialogue that go down in history. ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn’, ‘We’re gonna need a bigger boat’, ‘You talkin’ to me?’, and so on. Green Book joins that great bastion of films with what I would argue is perhaps the greatest line of dialogue in cinema history. Aragorn turns to Mahershala Ali and simply states the following legendary words. ‘Faneba, fanaba, why you breakin’ my balls.’ Simply outstanding. (Watch out for when they get to Alabama, then the movie features a heavy dose of the dreaded Gamer Word.) Roma Holy shit we get it Alfonso, you grew up in Mexico colour-blind, had a crush on your nanny, don’t like seeing dozens of students

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get murdered by government troops on the street, and apparently can’t blink. When are you going to get out of your own arse and make a sequel to Prisoner of Azkaban already? A Star Is Born Frankly, this film is amazing. Featuring one of the core members of Swedish pop sensation ABBA, this follows their magical journey into the street racing scene after they are inexplicably transformed into a 1965 Cadillac El Dorado and taken to the streets of Austin to… what do you mean I’m thinking of the wrong film? It’s called A Car is Bjorn, right? What? What the fuck film did I watch then? Vice *Minor heart attack intensifies* *** The following films were sadly not nominated for best picture, but I think that they should have been. So here they are: First Man Starring incel queen (yaaas) Ryan Gosling, and two time attempted prostitute strangler Claire Foy, First Man follows the exploits of some guys trying to get to the moon to escape that goddamned theremin that keeps playing only to find on the moon the thin atmosphere is entirely constructed out of theremin. If Beale Street Could Talk Quite honestly I’m astonished this wasn’t nominated. Maybe it should have been called If Teale Street Could Balk. That’s pretty hilarious. Isle of Dogs I see why this didn’t get nominated, because it’s not an actual movie. Just a bunch of puppets. I see what you are trying Wes, but you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me. Except you don’t sleep, do you Wes. You weirdo. Ready Player One Black Panther may have been a pivotal moment for black people/Disney shareholders, but this movie was supposed to be that for an equally oppressed group: gamers, and Joker cosplayers. A shame really. Spider Man: Into the Spiderverse Any movie with a Post Malone main theme beats Citizen Kane, hands down. Gregory Waddell

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Help I'm trapped in a third rate student satirical publication!

A Final Address From Our Beloved Reverend Clay ﴾to be broadcast across the island of Citrus﴿ And so dear followers of the true cause, it is with a heavy heart that we must bring our campaign to an end. As the filthy forces of imperialism and darkness march closer towards us, I can only find joy in what we have achieved together. Not only are we now in a stronger position than ever to push for our crusade through revolutionary satire, we are a people united by a common desire for the new world. Oh what good times we had. That time I started some insane colony. That time some gullible fools thought it a good idea to follow me. Other stuff, too, probably. It's it all so grand – the whole nine months we've had together. And there's more, like, err, that time we all thought that small bear was a really big dog, and then it mauled someone to a grizzly death. What larks we had, and what memories to hold dear of our rich, varied, near non-existent, history. But please don't despair, for we are also on the bring of a new era, a new life, a new path for us to walk down. Take up your drink of lemonade, and step forward into the light! We may lose our mortal position on this earth, but we move into a much brighter, much zestier future. Blessed and praised be, By the Grace of God, We, Right Reverend Harry Clay, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias, Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod; Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Chersonese Taurian, Tsar of Georgia; Lord of What Road Signs Really Mean Pskov and Grand Prince of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Sometimes when driving the motorways of Britain, you will see Podolia, Finland; Prince of Estland, Livland, Courland, road signs that do not seem accurate. Below is a useful guide for Semigalia, Samogitia, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugorsky land, decoding what those perfidious tricksters at Highways England Perm, Vyatka, Bolgar and others; Lord and Grand Prince of really mean. Nizhny Nogorod, Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Belozersk, Udorsky land, Obdorsk, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislav, and all of the northern countries; Master and Lord of Iberia, Kartli, and Kabardia lands and Armenian provinces; hereditary Sovereign and ruler of the Circassian and Mountainous Princes and of others; Lord of Turkestan; Heir of Norway; Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, and Oldenburg, and others, and others, and others. [All four of the cult members were later found dead of mercury poisoning – Eds.]

Myles Dunnett 27

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“Love York” downgraded to “Like York” after it’s revealed nobody’s that keen.

Most Bourgeois Ways to Die

The Nouveau Riche too must someday die. Yet with money and earned class, comes great responsibility: the uppermiddle classes must die with style, to differentiate themselves from the massed plebs who presumably die either in the bathrooms of KFC with a dirty needle in their bottoms or in some great mass suicide in a New Town. This is a list presented without comment, for the inspiration and benefit of the uppermiddle classes, in order to suggest some appropriate modes of checking-out from this great mortal hotel. Boating Accident Boating accidents are really a fitting way to end your days on earth. Whether it’s a motor yacht or a fine sailing vessel, sinking in the high seas with your children in their little life-jackets is truly a beautiful way to cement your place in the annals of bougie history. And, even better, this is something the upperMiddletons can share in common with the aristocracy. Having said that, the nobility tend to prefer to be blown up by the IRA whilst fishing. Still, a boat is a boat is a boat, as Gertrude Stein would say. Don’t pretend you get that reference. What’s

white and flies across the Irish Sea at 200 miles per hour? Lord Mountbatten’s plimsoles. Ahem. Inhale Quinoa and Develop Pneumonia, Refuse NHS Treatment, Die on the Way to a BUPA Hospital ‘DNR INP - Do Not Resuscitate If Not Private’. A really very notable and quite exemplary way for a member of the middle classes to spend their final moments. Suffer Liver Failure in an Airline’s First Class Lounge at Los Angeles International Airport Sometimes when waiting for your flight out of Los Angeles, you might get a bit carried away on the complimentary Long Island Ice Teas in the airline lounge. Should your liver decide to give up whilst overlooking the tarmac at LAX, smile a little smile as you drift off into the abyss, and your head slams down into your complimentary bowl of risotto. Drown on a Tour of the Bollinger Plant Yes Bolly might be a tiny bit 80s but you’re still a little bit attached to those

We recently started a new year and unless I’m much mistaken there are many more to come. Here are my predictions of what we have to look forward to over the next hundred or so years: • The Gregorian calendar will be replaced by the Google calendar. The world will live by Google's financial year. • Grade inflation is blamed when 98% of school leavers manage to pass the Turing Test. • Cheap artificial hearts enable Doctor Who cosplayers to be more authentic. • Cloning enables everyone to have a good alibi. • Rent will be rebranded as a subscription service. • You’ll have to tick an ‘I am not a robot’ box and complete CAPTCHA verification before you take an exam. • ‘Electric Feel’ will do for human-robot relationships what ‘My Girl’ did for heteronormative relationships.

• The voting age will be effectively raised to 65 due to increasingly strict voter ID laws only accepting bus passes as proof of identification. • Micro-chips will be in the palms of everyone you meet, mandated to be under 100 calories per micro-bag. Crazy! • Flying cars take off (the ground). • Everyone will live underwater, not due to Climate Change but by choice after seeing the spectacular Aquaman 8: Man of Aqua, Zach Snyder's apology note for all of his previous work. • A remaster accidentally releases before the original, causing some kind of paradox requiring the BBC to recreate that Doctor Who episode: you know, the one with the time stuff. • Gene editing enables a wide variety of characteristics to be changed at will. Increasing the skin-replacement rate from years to hours renders Touch ID unusable.

100 Year Predictions

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heady days of decadence and flared trousers. Plus you drink too much of the stuff to be able to afford endless supplies of Pol Roger or Dom Pérignon, and Bollinger isn’t hopelessly twee like Moët or Veuve Clicquot. If you do happen to secure a visit in Ay, drowning in one of the tanks is a fine way to spend your final seconds – as your lungs fill with Bollinger you will recollect a life well lived. Choke on Foie Gras in a MichelinStarred Dining Room Whilst foie gras has grown a tad passé, and the Michelin culinary scene in Britain has all but moved on, ‘fatty liver’ is still the gold-standard of taste over texture. Try to smile while you pretend to enjoy the flabby, jelly-like, bloody consistency, with a view to impressing your dining companions. Then comes the great and painful irony as you begin to choke on the little morsel of foie gras lodged in your wind-pipe. No one will even attempt to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre because they know that they can’t stomach seeing it come back up. A really truly magnificent end to a really truly magnificent life. Myles Dunnett • People are concerned that a nosediving population means Avatar will forever be the highest grossing film (adjusted for inflation). • Horseshoe theory is superseded by ‘Buzz Wire’ theory. It turns out that everyone is just a few inches away from doing something truly shocking. • The world's tallest skyscraper is a heap of junk at a local skip. • People are genetically engineered to eat non-biodegradable plastic and enjoy doing so. The seas and skies swirl with fleeting glimpses of the past — a Mars Bar wrapper, a car door, The Lemon Press Issue 38. They will all be eaten. • The machines will fail to take over the world, having made their move too early. Historians will draw parallels between the fabled, failed VONC by the ERG of 2018 and the failure of the ZERG alliance to make the human condition a vassal state. Will Rowan

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Beachball That Scored Against Liverpool Signs for Non‐League Side in New Career Low The infamous youngster rose to prominence in 2009 after netting past Liverpool keeper Pepe Reina, with an assist from Darren Bent, leading his Sunderland side to a 1-0 victory. Yet since this astronomical rise to fame the bubble appears to have burst as the striker is currently ten years goalless and has faded into obscurity. This scenario has left the forward feeling ‘deflated’ and fortunes do not appear to have changed. A far cry from a sunny beach in the Costa Del Sol, the attacker was signed as a free agent by National League North side, York City, who are struggling in tier six of the footballing pyramid. In an interview with the team’s chairman when asked ‘why sign a player that has proven so hopeless in finding the net?’, the club’s owner confessed: ‘I’ll be honest, we’ll take any publicity we can get.’ Max Hinchley

Anger from FA Chairman as Transfer Window Accidentally Left Open The Premier League transfer window, which was meant to close on the 31st January at 23:00, has been accidently left open as an unknown departing player forgot to close it behind him. The situation has caused chaos in the footballing world with one of the crises side-effects being that host Jim White is suffering sleep deprivation as his Sky Sports Deadline Day programme has overrun by two weeks and counting. In a recent press conference FA chairman Greg Dyke displayed his anger about the situation: ‘Seriously guys, how many times have I told you about this! There’s a massive draft and I’m bloody freezing. The place is an absolute state now; there are leaves on the floor, its damp inside and Fellaini’s escaped and he’s ran off to China. I don’t want to have to tell you again to shut it after you leave. So inconsiderate. I’m sick of it.’ Max Hinchley

Three Chelsea Fans Suspended for Lack of Inappropriate Chanting Chelsea football club have suspended three fans while an investigation into alleged ‘polite cheering on’ is conducted. The incident, involving Arsenal forward Alex Iwobi, occurred during Chelsea’s 2-0 loss at the Emirates. Chelsea are ‘fully supporting’ an ongoing police investigation, and have made a statement commenting that any polite or supportive chanting will be met with ‘severe sanctions, including bans’. Arsenal FC have welcomed Chelsea’s decision to issue bans. A club statement reads: ‘The club and Alex are fully committed to working with all relevant parties with the object of eradicating politeness from the game.’ The incident was brought to light when a video surfaced on social media of Iwobi being cheered on and given the thumbs up by smiling fans, as he went to take a corner. Some users have also pointed out that you can just about hear a ‘brilliant mate!’ over the cacophony of racist insults being hurled at Iwobi. 24 year old David Mills, one of the men identified, has apologised unreservedly for his polite behaviour, but maintains that he shouted ‘"you prick", rather than "that was sick!"’ Another of the three men identified has denied saying anything explicitly polite, but will not apologise for the clapping and supportive nods caught on camera. Tom Willett

Andy Murray Hopes to Disappoint Nation for One Last Time

Andy Murray has announced his retirement from letting down the country. He hopes to retire after Wimbledon. Figures close to Murray have spoken of his exasperation at slipping behind the new masters of national disappointment, such as Theresa May, and the country's #1 despite being unaware of it, Chris Grayling. Henry ‘See, I can write sports articles too as long as they're actually political’ Dyer

Liverpool FC Sign Recording Contract with Virgin Liverpool Football Club today signed a multi-million recording contract with media body Virgin, in order to produce a series of albums of their club's unique fan atmosphere. Songs such as ‘ALLEZ ALLEZ ALLEZ’, ‘We Love You Liverpool, We Do’, and ‘Mo Salah, Mo Salah, Running Down The Wing!’ are expected to feature, allowing each committed Liverpool fan to enjoy the very best qualities of The Kop from their favourite library. Alongside these album releases, Virgin are also hoping to produce a documentary called ‘How Do They Do It?????’, detailing the origin story of each of these songs, from how the denizens of Anfield first invented and utilised concepts such as ’rhythm’, to how and when they created ‘The French Language’. Liverpool and Virgin have negotiated this deal in response to 29

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Manchester City's ‘multi’-‘award’ ‘winning’ docu-series ‘All or Nothing’, produced and released on Amazon's Prime Video service. This documentary made waves for its brutal honesty [citation needed] and no holds barred approach to informing the viewer how several English swear words sounded when screamed by an angry Catalan. Virgin are expected to release the first album in the series, ‘Surely, This Time, It's Got To Be Our Year’, around Mid-April, during Liverpool's inevitable plummet down the table. More albums will be released annually, riffing on the same theme. The estimated price point per album is £181,000,000 [Misprint? Eds.] Nick Lunn

It has been an honour and a privilege folks.

... I just don't need this much polished tin. Aries: (March 21-April 19) Okay, the stars aren’t really working for me right now, so I’m gonna have to work off previous experience. Okay, so I knew this one lady who lived next door and she was an Aries, and she got hit by a car once. So watch out I guess. Taurus: (April 20-May 20) My childhood best friend was a Taurus. So, I see in your future that you will abandon someone for more popular friends, and ignore all of their texts from then on. Which they’re not at all bitter about. Gemini: (May 21-June 20) The only Geminis I’ve met are actually quite nice. Good for you, Gemini. Cancer: (June 21 - July 22) Cancers are the literal worst. You know who you are. Leo: (July 23 - August 22) As far as I know, Leos are usually editors of really mediocre University Satire Magazines. [It's true! — Eds.] But I’ve only heard that from other people. Virgo: (August 23 - September 22) You’re the best, Virgo. Literally, you are a Goddess. No one can compare to you. No, I swear I’m not a Virgo. Libra: (September 23 - October 22) I don’t know any Libras, so clearly you’re not that important.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everyone says you’re a bitchy sign. To be honest I think you should make your star sign relate to you, not just stereoty…oh wait, yeah, the only Scorpio I knew was a massive bitch. Fuck you, I guess. Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21) This is my mum’s star sign, so good for you! You probably like to cook and clean, while complaining that you’re the only one who does any damn work in this house. Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19) Since you’re the same star sign as my dad, I’m guessing you said to your family that you were going out to buy a pint of milk and haven’t returned for 14 years. Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18) This is my brother’s star sign, so it’s likely that this week you will chicken leg someone on the stairs and cause them to break their arm. You will also shoot them in the face with a BB gun. Pisces: (Feb 19-March 20) Again, I don’t think I know any Pisces. Err...you might like fish? I got nothing. Since I’ve got space then, I should say that I am still bitter about the new star sign and as a protest I refuse to write it in. Fuck you Ophiuchus. Lucy Finnighan

Rood Review rupi york you weren't there for me when I needed you the most eduroam *** i was a 66 bus but you were steph hayle bustice *** i was derwent you were asbestos *** he stole my heart then he stole our pensions koen lamberts Ashvini Rae

Please disembark with care.

In the last issue, we asked you to send in your roods. A grand total of three dear readers answered the call. Mikaela Lee submitted a hand-drawn deconstructionist exposition of the crucifixion, along with captions breaking down the term 'choke me sky daddy' (which we couldn't find in our KJV, but maybe it's a strange translation). Charles Teague sent in the tasteful rood cross on the cover of his King James Version, while former editor Louis Jani messaged a rood from his home parish depicting ‘a steamy portrayal of King Edmund and King Edward the Confessor’. Our panel particularly liked the drainage pipes in their role in reflecting the suffering of our Lord, who was drained for our sins. Top class submissions from all, you all win the prize of excommunication.

Poetry and Horoscopes