The Lemon Press – Issue 36

Oh, bugger.

Editors' Introduction

At one time, in the distant past, there were two young men, new to the University of York. One was dashing, handsome, and witty, the other even more so. It was rumoured by the wise (and the dumb) that these two young men were destined to lead a publication to greatness, and to do battle in the name of all that is right and good in the world. It was prophesied that they would defend the good, vanquish the feckless, deride the foolish, provoke the idle, and destroy the immoral.

The predictions were right: at a supervision meeting, under the watchful eye of a kindly genius (who, it is rumoured, later lost his life in a tragic bookcase accident) the two young men first met. Later, in the resultant confusion following a Jacob ReesMogg lecture, the two prodigal sons convened again in a public house to discuss what they had witnessed. It was on this night that a friendship began. Friendship, however, is not the subject of this fable: satire is the true altar in front of which these men were destined to prostrate themselves.

However, these two men are humble men, not given to vanity.

'We are but humble vessels,' they say, 'into which hardworking satirists pour the fruits of their labour.' The truth, however, is quite different: both know the power of their art. Yet where there is great power, there lies great danger. The prophesies foretell of great success, but they also tell of obstacles. Who or what will stand in their way is unknown, perhaps unknowable – all that can be said is that the battle will be brief, and the winner is foretold. The cost, though, remains to be seen.

The Lemon Press has grown of late: it now casts its eye further than ever before, its ascendancy reaching levels beyond the predicitions of the wildest fanatic. The change has only just begun, though. The two men have a vision, and The Lemon Press is that vision. The tea leaves and the entrails suggest that more is coming: we must hope that the power of satire is wielded responsibly.

The oracle speaks: the prophesies are true. Today, three years after the two men met, the fabled partnership finally begins.

Both have already served in this role before, yet never together; together, they are greater than the sum of their parts. Their plan is simple: to lift up, lift up their hearts, eyes, souls, to the heavens, casting aside the evil, the witless, the sabbatical, laying down all that stand in their path, left, right, or centrist. Prepare, for they will rule with an iron fist. Yet they will also be kind and benevolent; they will rule with the softest iron fist in history.

One stands beside the other, looking out over that which they have built, and that which they will destory. The sky darkens.

They smile.

These two men are Myles Dunnett, and Henry Dyer, and this, this is their lemon... We're back, pricks.

Rejoice, mortals, for we have returned.

Contents

Campus News & Politics Arts Lifestyle Science & Tech Sports Features Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes

pp 3‐10 pp 11‐18 pp 19‐21 pp 22 pp 23 pp 24 pp 25‐28 pp 29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Myles Dunnett and Henry Dyer

Deputy Editors: Hal Bowden and Will Rowan Sub Editor: Sioned Gill Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace)

Campus Editors: Sioned Gill and Hal Bowden News & Politics Editors: Harry Clay and Durrah Afyouni Lifestyle Editor: Kathryn Sandercock Science & Tech Editor: Mark Matthews Arts Editor: Lara Medlam Features Editor: Marvin Drury Sports Editor: Cole Smith

Illustrators: Harry Clay (Front and Back Covers) and Holly Palmer (Various)

President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Marvin Drury

Vice-President: Lucy Finnighan Social Secretary: Nick Meadowcroft-Lunn

Ordinary Members: Chay Quinn and Giles Beattie

Contributors: Pasky Miranda, Ben Walker, Jacob Phillips, Reynard, Citric, Alfie Gerzimbke, Izzy Palmer, and Isaac Fox.

Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org

If you have a complaint, problem, or query, please contact the editors in the first instance. Produced 22nd May 2018. Printed by Mortons of Horncastle.

Contents

2

Areeeeeeeeee you serious?

Someone Has Written Something About Students' Unions, but We Can't Say Who, Though Maybe We Can Say What

The Big Student Debates were introduced this year by Mia Shantana Chaudhuri-Julyan, YUSU's Community & Wellbeing Officer. The first debate, in autumn, was not hugely attended with fewer than 150 people, and the spring debate was just the YUSU elections hustings.

Something nice and successful for the summer, then? Err, no.

Summer's Big Student Debate has had a few problems: A poll on which motion should be debated that had an astonishingly high turnout was subsequently closed, without explanation, by YUSU. Read our report to the right.

The motion, ‘This house believes that next year’s YUSU Election should have an allfemale shortlist for President’, was chosen by an unknown figure at YUSU as opposed to by students after the closure of the poll. The motion's wording, referring to ‘allfemale shortlists’, as opposed to the typical term of ‘allwomen shortlists’, has received criticism for being trans-exclusionary.

Following the late announcement of the motion, members of The Lemon Press jokingly predicted that the inevitable next step by YUSU 3

Campus

would be announcing a panel with just men. Not a good look, regardless of the motion.

Credit where credit's due, a leaked email to the six men reveals that someone at YUSU finally realised this was the case and asked ‘if at least 3 of you wouldn't mind volunteering to swap out with a female debater’, a move that ‘would be much appreciated’.

The positions were originally filled by ‘taking the first volunteers who had come forward’. Still, this leaves YUSU in the curious position of having to use an all-women shortlist to fill places on a YUSU debate about whether or not YUSU should use allwomen shortlists for certain elected posts.

That's not all. YUSU are yet to answer questions about who wrote and chose the seven motions, as well as why the poll was cancelled. One would hope not the same people who ended up choosing which of those seven was to be debated.

You'd also hope that none of the seven motions were being used as a stalking horse for raising policy ideas. Ideas that may not be great to express publicly through the new petition site or standard policy proposal process.

Citric

‘8.3 Any coverage of or requests for interviews with YUSU employees would only be in exceptional circumstances and by explicit agreement of YUSU Senior Management and the President. This is in order to avoid potential liability being incurred by YUSU in relation to any coverage.’

So reads the Good Book, by which I naturally refer to Appendix B (The Media Charter) in your ring-bound copy of YUSU's constitution that you all keep by your bedside. With this in mind, The Lemon Press is happy to report that someone has written something, but we can't say who has written what. What someone may have written, or may not have written, depending on whom you may be thinking of, is an argument in the Times Higher Education supplement (available online, publication date April 10, 2018), waxing lyrical about YUSU. The person, or indeed perhaps persons, speaks of York's students' union elections turnout being double the national average, and talks of ‘tough’ elections, full of ‘challenging scrutiny of policy proposals and character’, and asserts the role that, amongst other things, ‘the student media’ plays in making ‘representatives effective’.

This person, who we can't identify, also writes, in the article titled ‘The voice of students' unions should be celebrated’ (a link to this article was retweeted by YUSU's Twitter account) that they were ‘flattered but bemused that the piece [to which they are responding] implied that too much power sits with elected officers and students. Our members do not feel that way.’ Clearly, the author finds amusing the suggestion that there is any power at all with elected officers and students, and thankfully shares the opinion of many students that there is a shadowy, unnameable, background force (calm down in the back, Corbynistas) that has much of the power but cannot be adequately held to account, but, err, I digress.

The author criticises Nick Hillman, to whom they are writing in response, for failing ‘to articulate a concern that university management are selected by a comparatively minuscule and substantially less diverse body.’

Yes, imagine, management figures being selected by a ‘comparatively minuscule and substantially less diverse body’ than the officers of a students' union, it's shocking, really, I can't believe it.

Henry Dyer

Answers on the back of a postcard...

Like what you see?

I do not enjoy this.

Astonishing 65% Turnout in YUSU Poll

YUSU to Hold Entertainment Extravaganza

Shortly before it was closed by the authorities for being too great an exercise of democracy, a YUSU poll on the topic of the next 'Big Student Debate' received an astonishing 12524 votes, or a turnout of around 65% of YUSU. Of those 12524 votes, a huge democratic mandate of 12474 votes, or 99.6% (higher than the German referendum of 1936) was achieved for the motion: 'This house believes that a vote on the Brexit deal is antidemocratic.'

YUSU will host an evening of excitement and entertainment this term to help students take their mind off their assessments, The Lemon Press can reveal.

Unfortunately, it seems a second vote will not be forthcoming, which seems rather anti-democratic, if you ask me... and 12473 other people.

Henry Dyer

The Lemon Press understands that YUSU’s staff were beavering away over the Easter holidays to prepare a music and comedy extravaganza to be attended by campus’s media and politico elite students. It’ll be sex, drugs, and off-colour humour from the Sabbatical Officers, and that’s just within their glass-walled office before they get to the event venue.

‘It’s a crucial time for students, who will be submitting their last essays and sitting their final exams of the year,’ remarked Alex Urquhart, YUSU’s President, ‘so we thought we’d better get in their faces with some song and dance rubbish.’

‘We have to educate ourselves on our mental health,’ he continued, ‘just like students had to educate themselves when their lecturers were on strike.’

Students will be treated to the soulful tunes of several groups, some of who are fresh on the campus music scene. The York Tories’ white-straight-male-voice choir will open the night with a rendition of the national anthem. Thomas Ron will read aloud his PhD thesis to the accompaniment of a traditional Serbian folk tune, the YUSU hockey team will be read the Riot Act and Laura Carruthers will be red-faced.

Not just Vision who messes up front pages!

Someone Has Had a Meeting with Someone Else About Something We Can't Talk About

A person (A), from a group, has engaged in dialogue with a person or indeed peoples, (B) from a different group, about something we can't talk about. It is understood that A talked to B after hearing about the thing we can't talk about.

It is quite likely we can't even tell you that A talked to B, or that B talked to A. But on the off-chance we can, sources close to the story suggest that B told A that they couldn't discuss with A the thing that we can't talk about because to do might suggest that the thing we can't talk about might have happened or might not have happened, which they can't do, because of HR, who is not a person, which is about people. A can talk about the possibility of the thing happening, but only privately, with B. C is right out, and don't even BOTHER suggesting that D does something. E, who knows everything, won't say anything. F would like B to say something to A, but can't do anything about it.

Got it?

Elsewhere, Old Mother Hubbard will perform a one-woman show, and after she’s done with York Vision, she’ll take part in the extravaganza too.

To students’ relief, the space for the headline act has been refilled following a brief vacancy. After Azealia Banks pulled out last week, YUSU has invited a replacement, Amelia Beach, to play. Beach will sing a number of covers from Billy Joel, Paul Simon, and Leonard Cohen; she promises to close her stint with a cover of an ABBA standard, though The Lemon Press understands she may be required to finish earlier than anticipated.

Filling the important role of the evening’s compère will be Julian ‘JP’ Porch. The Lemon Press understands his speeches will be largely improvised, much like his performance as Academic Officer.

At the climax of the evening, students will be treated to a stunning sight as Alex Urquhart will be fired from a cannon towards the end of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. The cannon will be aimed precisely at a well-paid, secure job on the other side of the country.

Reynard

Henry Dyer

Join us for just £5 online on the YUSU website.

Campus

4

7 Years A...

Campus Chats: Jim Fudge ‘If you ask me, YUSU needs change. YUSU needs reform.

And I told students, “Vote Fudge for Change”, “Vote Fudge for Reform”. So they did. True story.’

Fresh from his lunchtime Politics seminar, Jim Fudge chomps noisily on his third beef burger, boiled to perfection in the Courtyard kitchen. He chuckles as I ask him about the rumour that he dines at Courtyard four days a week. ‘Please.

It’s five, actually.’

Fudge is in a good mood – and not just because he talked for most of his lunchtime seminar. Fudge won the coveted position of Lacktivities Officer at YUSU earlier this term, alleviating his fears of unemployment and destitution (at least for twelve more months).

‘I think I ran a very good campaign,’ says Fudge, nodding.

‘Yeah.

Good campaign.’ The ex-Nouse tea boy, destined to graduate with fading colours, earned a sizeable portion of the vote, defeating rival contenders [insert media/politico candidate] and [insert media/politico candidate] to win the role.

‘We thought long and hard about what students need and how the Union can deliver it. I thought: media

Jim Fudge as drawn by Holly Palmer

5

Campus

freedom, less censorship. It was a Eureka moment.

Everyone in the room said, “Jim, you beauty! No one has campaigned for those before.”

So we made it the big promise of the campaign.’

How did Fudge earn the favour of the voters? ‘I think I got them with my smile. Have you seen my wink? Let me show you.’ Fudge turns his head slightly and winks. ‘You see?

That was a winner.’ I struggle to keep my stew down.

Fudge was once a rookie hack in the press; then, when no one was looking, he led a sweeping coup and ran the paper. ‘I think all the editions put out under my leadership were stunning. Really good stuff.’ I remind Fudge that he edited the paper for one edition, but he is undeterred.

‘I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet,’ he tells me, casting his hands out like Moses, ‘but when I was in charge of student media, it was brilliant.

Honestly, hands down, brilliant. All the best stories, all the hottest editors. That’s what they tell me, and when I say they, I mean, me. Oh, and, er,’ he said, pausing to look over both shoulders, ‘a very diverse team. Just throwing it out there.’

I felt he’d hit on something sensitive. I press Fudge, who sleeps in nothing but his leather jacket at night, further on the diversity issue. ‘Yeah, it’s a really good point. There are too many white men in top roles these days. Like, there’s a white man in charge of Nouse right now. Terrible! And look at all the white men in YUSU.

We have to do something about it. I’ll make it a priority when I start the job.’

But what about the perception that YUSU is a haven for bourgeois media types? ‘Me?’ recoils Fudge. ‘I wouldn’t know anything about that.’ He pauses to call a waitress over.

‘Fetch me another... lager. I drink lager all the time, you know.’

Fudge browses the latest copy of Nouse as I take a moment to write out some notes.

Glancing over my YUSU Shop notepad, I can’t help but notice the dashing new officer’s exquisite legs. Thin as blades of grass, Fudge rests

them casually on the back of a Nouse shaver, who silently nibbles on the fallen crumbs of Fudge’s last burger. ‘Chay’s very comfortable,’ Fudge insists. Is this an image for his forthcoming Sabbatical tenure? ‘No, no, I care about students. They gave me a job for a year so I kinda have to care about them.’

‘OK, man,’ says Fudge. He rises to his feet and shakes my hand. ‘Good seeing you. Good interview. Let’s connect on LinkedIn.’ And off he strides to the next engagement of his apparently overflowing timetable, towing his aide on a lead.

Reynard

YUSU RAG Unveil Bungee Jump Straight Into the Comforting Hard Concrete of Greg's Place Ever wanted to combine charity fundraising with a gruesome spectacle in front of a crowd of, well, some geese? Feel that the 'Charity Colosseum' you set up in D-Bar with a few chairs and snapped pool cues isn't quite cutting the mustard, or saving kids in Africa? Well, YUSU RAG has you covered.

The all-new campus bungee jump will allow for you to perilously climb a ladder on top of the Vanbrugh nucleus onto a platform, before jumping off, attached to a few elastic bands tied together, in a harness, head-first into the CHARITY TARGET. Can you land in the bulls-eye? If you do, the Rt. Rev'd. Worrall will pat your limp, shattered corpse on the back and congratulate you before delivering some rather tardy and hasty last rites, all before you spring back up into the sky, ragdolling pathetically as eviscera drops down onto the horrified crowds below.

This is the cheapest challenge RAG has ever done, with a £3 deposit and a CHARITY TARGET of only £7.50! It's also the cheapest RAG has done in terms of production! Only £10 went into setting it up, and most of that was on the ladder and making some dodgy health and safety forms! And if YOU can raise more than £20, you'll get a free form to fill out not only waiving YUSU of all indemnity but also on the back, a quick and easy Last Will and Testament template!

Sign up quick! You'll get into the swing of things, and be footloose (you may fall out of the harness) and fancy free (you may also be pulse free) in no time!

Henry Dyer

Don't like what you see?

Dreadful Publication

Non‐Binary Representation at The Lemon Press We at The Lemon Press appreciate the need for diversity in representation. That’s why we champion it; below is just a glimpse of how we have provided a platform for, and benefitted from, non-binary representation.

Decimal (base-10): Good old decimal. Ten fingers, ten toes, an ‘article’ in The Scab listing 10 reasons why decimal is good, the reasons for its ubiquity are numerous. We make trivial use of such a classic positional numeral system, page numbers within issues of The Lemon Press are truly indebted to decimal.

Hexadecimal (base-16): Editing images to accompany satire is made easy with hexadecimal, colours can be represented with just six figures! For example, the red in York Vision’s logo is bf0000, their latest issue: bad000, and their reputation: dead00.

Sexagesimal (base-60): Used by the Sumerians, inherited by the Babylonians, and gratefully accepted by The Lemon Press.

When consulting our timepieces, sexagesimal does the job perfectly. 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, and too many hours in days that blur into years that race by all too soon.

Beautiful.

We hope that others will take this issue seriously. Too often nonbinary representation is overlooked.

Will Rowan

Those York Student Media Gender Pay Gap Figures in Full Nouse: 0% Vision: 0% The Lemon Press: 0% (ScuzzFeed: 0%, NOICE: 0%) YSTV: 0% URY: 0% [That'll keep the bastards fooled for another year. Right, pass over that box Murdog sent us, there's some champagne inside it - Eds.]

Students to Request 2nd Floor of Fairhurst to be 100% Water Fountains by February 2019, Say Experts YUSU's new petition site, ‘Student Voice’, described by Nouse as a ‘manifesto pledge of Alex Urquhart’, has recently launched to the regular screaming enraptured crowds of applause that every YUSU diktat receives. The page, which is rather hard to find on the YUSU website because you don't want too many people having their say after all, offers both ‘Ideas’ and ‘Petitions’.

The example idea is ‘Install another water fountain on the 2nd floor of the Fairhurst’, chosen as an example on the grounds of being ‘simple or uncontentious’. In response to this, uninspired hordes of students have bombarded with the website with demands for additional water fountains, all thinking that it is a rather good example, while others are arguing that the net level of water fountain migration is too high, and they should go back to where they came from. Currently, some 1000 requests for another water fountain have been made, compared to only 94 requests to stop the Von Neumann-esque spread of water fountains across the library.

When asked for comment, Ben Leatham, former YUSU President '15-'16, winner of the ‘Least Problematic’ Award, and current nobody, said that the site was his ‘fucking idea, that Urquhart bastard is taking all the credit for something that was mine, it was in MY manifesto, Alex only wanted a bloody “digital system of feedback [...] to generate usable data, based on simple questions” and it was going to be called ClickVote. He's done fuck all, bring me back, President for Life, and I will eat Alex Urquhart if you don't let me.’

The process, termed a ‘pilot’ scheme, is a moderated one, and submissions may be rejected on many grounds, including a belief that proposals might be ‘nonsense or a joke’. Exactly who at YUSU will be making the judgment if something is ‘nonsense or a joke’ is unclear. At the time of writing, there are no other ideas or petitions apart from one submitted by the Sabb team, which has achieved over 300 signatures, meaning it will now be debated by, err, the Sabb team.

Henry Dyer

YUSU Bars Shuts Down Social Media Accounts

Following in the wake of other cheap, shabby, low-quality, third-rate, horribly decorated chains, YUSU Bars have exited the social media scene. In a post to its, err, ~4,000 followers on Facebook and sub-1000 Twitter followers (last post, October 2017), YUSU Bars announced they would be deleting their accounts, with immediate effect.

The students' union linked the closure to the bad publicity surrounding social media usage, such as any of the university's 'meme' pages, as well as continuous questions sent to the accounts about why Courtyard becomes arbitrarily incapable of placing cheese upon chip once the clock strikes for the late menu. YUSU Bars's manager, Ms Courtney Yard, when asked if there were any specific posts made by the accounts that caused the decision, pointed to criticisms made by Heslington East's outlet about other establishments, and noted with a sigh that 'those in Glasshouses shouldn't throw stones'. She went on to confidently assure people that they could continue to get all their news on YUSU Bars through York Vision.

Henry Dyer

Just £5 to take us down from the inside.

Campus

6

Very fast new search (and destroy) engine...

Which Former YUSU President/Eurovision Entry Are You?

Hey millennials, you avocado-eating fucks, stop screaming if it's a blue yanny or a gold laurel, and pick a former YUSU president to discern what sort of musical identity you should have. It'll give you a replacement for your personality, 100%, you won't even have to bother trying any more.

Tom 'Mad Cap'n' Scott, Prez '08-'09: Pirates of the Sea, the Latvian entry in 2008. Yes, it may have come in 12th, but the UK gave them 10 points. Both Tom and the Pirates were underdogs, but only Tom won, proving that you shouldn't put your trust in the plucky spirit of the underdog because it probably won't work out. Something you might not have known.

Matt and Tom in different days.

(Matt Gray/Daniel Aragay) Tim Ngwena, Prez '09 - '11: The mastermind behind the blood diamond scandal of York, the controversy of his terms can only be met with a controversial Eurovision entry. Georgia's 2009 'We Don't Wanna Put In' by Stephane & 3G was decidedly political and linked to bloodshed, much like Ngwena's diamond (not gifted to him by The Lemon Press).

YUSU funds well spent.

(TLP #4/Eurovisionary) Tim Ellis, Prez '11 - '12: Yeah, I know, who? Ellis's lack of impact on history makes him only comparable to the band Riva, the 1989 Yugoslavian winner, which performed 'Rock Me', a decidedly bland rock/pop fusion hell. Ellis and Yugoslavia are believed to share the same current status of not existing.

Kallum Taylor, Prez '12-'14: Banterman Taylor's considerable worldwide influence and fame, showing up on places like Azerbaijan TV, makes him comparable to ABBA, the Swedish superstars of 1974. His transition from YUSU president to Holgate Labour councillor mirrors the shift in ABBA's sound in their later albums. The Lemon Press await his triumphant return to YUSU's offices in 30 years.

Sam Maguire, Prez '14-'15: Sam's outspoken views on UKIP mean he is indeed the Belgian 1986 entry, Sandra Kim, whose 'J'aime la vie' swung the Belgians to their first and only victory.

Maguire's youthful looks compliment the fact that Kim won at the age of 13. Both have since done little of merit.

Ben Leatham, Prez '15-'16: Ben Leatham is a human being.

That's one of the few confirmed facts that can be said about him.

General incompetence married with a sense of dictating what is and isn't funny lines him up with Jedward, Ireland's back-to-back entry in 2011 and 2012. Much like Jedward, Leatham's term was more tragic than funny. His one legacy, the petition site, has been claimed by another, just as Jedward's bonded soul (just the one) was claimed by Simon Cowell.

Millie Beach, Prez '16-'17: The only woman on the list, her Vanbrugh College credentials and pushing of the horrific '#LoveYork' social media branding show a cutting edge approach ahead of her time. Whilst in term, she played her opponents like fiddles, as if they were toys, tying her up with the 2018 winner, Israel's 'Netta', who sang 'Toy'.

Henry Dyer

7

Campus

Dead behind the eyes.

(YUSU/Discogs)

Now found singing ‘The Red Flag’.(YUSU/AVRO)

Fuck off we voted leave.

(YUSU/IMDb)

Not sure whose hair is worse...

(YUSU/Michael Dorausch)

Wonderful stuff, really.

(YUSU/Wouter van Vliet)

OPCW Inspectors Enter Derwent Inspectors from the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons have finally entered Derwent College after reports of the presence of a dangerous substance became widespread.

Mg3(Si2O5)(OH)4 was the cause, a mineral which is both carcinogenic and a cause of respiratory problems. Fears that evidence may have been tampered with during the standoff between University management and the OPCW have been voiced.

An impromptu jumble sale of 'rare minerals’ and 'vintage roof tiles’ was initially met with suspicion until all participants realised it was good value for money, they were paying people to take the stuff! All entrants of the raffle won there own hunk of insulation and a ceiling joint centrepiece. An anonymous YUSU source said, 'we’re doing as-best-os we can.’

Will ‘HAHA DERWENT HAS ASBESTOS’ Rowan

JB Morrell, Harry Fairhurst, and Raymond Burton ‘Own the Libs’ Well, it’s not actually true but that doesn’t get in the way of ‘owning the libs'.

Will 'Flag & Cross' Rowan

Another OWNED liberal

Like us on Facebook, or else...

Netan­Yahoo.

Tories Triumphant as Term Goes Well for Once There were joyful cries within the Hilton Hotel yesterday evening as the University of York Conservative Association, better known to the rabble as the York Tories, celebrated the end to the first scandalfree term in recent years.

An assembly of the well-to-do drank Vin Kuijk and dined on a three-course meal to honour the society’s achievement of a minimally offensive and outrageous ten weeks of academic life.

Banners, brochures, and party literature celebrated the absence of a critical story about the society in any of the ‘serious’ campus newspapers – Nouse, York Vision, and the other one. Members entering were greeted to a complimentary glass of sherry and a copy of a campus tabloid on which to wipe their Oxfords.

The Lemon Press’s dinner-jacketed reporter secured entry to this high-profile occasion with a sharp eye for fashionable attire, a polished grasp of Queen’s English, and the carefully-timed deployment of the password, ‘Venezuelaplus,’ to the doorman’s butler.

To enthusiastic cheers from leading society members, the group’s chairman made a long speech in which he called the absence of a printed scandal ‘a sign of our tolerance and commitment to empowering the fairer sex.’ He continued to praise the relationship between the

York Tories and ‘those from the Orient’ and welcomed the presence of ‘Ottomans, Mesopotamians, and travellers from the Far East.’

The York Tories had much to say on campus media. ‘It’s a den of iniquity, a hotbed of sleaze,’ remarked Arthur Braincell to fellow attendants, shortly before The Lemon Press asked for his opinion on the student press. ‘Oh, them?

What a bunch of left-wing rascals, the lot of them!’ ’What we need is a fair, balanced press,‘ he continued, ‘where ever-so-slightlyright-of-centre views such as mine can be heard without fear of being called a “bigot”, a “racist”, and so on. I don’t see those left-wing morons at Nouse ever printing an opinion piece of mine, even after I offered to learn to read and write.‘ Braincell’s views were widely held. ‘The newspapers have a left-wing bias,’ commented Ambrose Dalgleish, a fellow party member. ‘They’ll find anything we do wrong and say that we’re an unwelcoming, intolerant society. Even a gentle pat on the head from a male member is a sexist attack, I tell you, and the papers will make sure to turn it into a front page.’

‘Student journalists give the University of York a bad name,’ said Dorian Scrimshaw as he waited for a young Liberal Democrat

to prepare the right shoe polish. ‘They say we all play cricket, drink port, and belittle women. I’m particularly bothered by the ridiculous names they invent in their reports, like "Raleigh Addington" or "Brandon Minichiello".’

Accusations of sexism have featured in several articles for the printed student press over the years, but the York Tories are keen to dismiss any allegations as nonsense. ‘I couldn’t be happier at this society,’ mumbled Camilla BuffOrpington-Smythe in between receiving pieces of paper from Arthur Braincell. ‘It is the best society ever. There is no discrimination in this society. Jeremy Corbyn hates Britain.’

After consuming far too much lobster and wine, The Lemon Press’s suitablynourished correspondent headed for the exit, politely declining a Rolls-Royce ride back to campus for a brandy and coke.

Before reaching the end of the street, our correspondent was handed a large file of legal documentation by an eager York Tory.

‘If you’re a Nouse man, Father will have your head. He’s a solicitor, you know.’ Our correspondent said that he represented The Yorker; the York Tory looked confused, said he hadn’t heard of them, and returned to the Hilton’s festivities.

Reynard

Democracy: A Performance Review

It's time to look back at how democracy has been doing recently. Democracy has been hogging the spotlight a lot recently, no more so than in two vital elections: the Russian presidential election and the YUSU by-election. Let's do a side-by-side comparison.

YUSU Turnout: 3% Russian Turnout: 67.47% Likelihood the YUSU result will improve students' lives: 0% Likelihood the Russian result will improve students' lives: 0.001% Number of students from Wentworth who are recorded as Number of students from Wentworth who are recorded as voting in the YUSU election: 0.4% voting in the Russian election: 0% Ability to vote RON in YUSU election: 100% Ability to vote RON in Russian election: 0% and some police brutality for suggesting it Likelihood to vote for a brutal dictator in YUSU election: 100% Likelihood to vote for a brutal dictator in Russian election: 0%, comrade Likelihood of underhand tactics such as chemical weapons by Likelihood of underhand tactics such as chemical candidates in YUSU election: [censored] weapons by candidates in Russian election: 100% YUSU Democracy Rating: Didn't even get a discount on drinks at Russian Democracy Rating: Please keep the gas flowing, it's Henry Dyer Courtyard cold

... I will be unspeakably upset.

Campus

8

Since when were ginger people allowed to get married?

Students React to End of UCU Strikes York students have celebrated the end of the UCU strikes after members of the student community resorted to unorthodox methods of persuading the striking academics to resume teaching.

On the roof of Central Hall, students have been bellowing anti-strike messages and waving flags and banners at passing members of staff. The Lemon Press sent its nerdiest Assassin’s Creed enthusiast to scale the building and speak to them.

‘I think it’s working,’ said Louisa Lewd, a History student who later admitted she had better things to do. ‘We shout at them and they look at us and hear what we say.

Then we don’t see them again. I bet they’ve gone back to their offices to work.’

‘Just look at this,’ Lewd said, pointing to a passing professor on his way to see to some important business in the nearest gentlemen’s. ‘Stop striking! Just stop striking! You’re stuffing up my education!

There, that should do the trick.’

Next to her, another student takes the approach a little further. ‘I find you really have to be powerful with your words,’ George Winkle whispered, before deafening us with the yell, ‘Oi, prick! Stop striking! Yeah, you! Stop it! Get back in to work!’

Huddled in groups around expensive pints in the student bars and social spaces, several students have been found mumbling and grumbling about the industrial action.

‘I take the same approach to national politics as I do to the academics’ strikes,’ Spike ‘The Messiah’ Green, a red-faced Liberal Democrat, told us over a pint. ‘I sit in D-Bar and call the whole thing “shit”. I don’t care if you disagree; I’ll keep telling you it’s “shit”. Sooner or later they’ll hear me and call the effing strike off. It’s only a matter of time.’

Many students have looked in vain to their Union to take a stance. However, The Lemon Press understands that YUSU has maintained one consistently throughout 9

Campus

the debate. ‘Our official position,’ said Alex Urquhart, YUSU President, ‘is that we have no position. That’s our position.

We are officially committed to being neither committed to supporting the strikes nor resisting the strikes.’

‘I think it shows our commitment to democracy,’ the President went on, ‘that we do not take a stance on the matter without the democratic consent of the student body.’

‘Weren’t you democratically elected to represent the student body?’ our attentive Lemon asked him.

journalistic standards in the face of competition from new, all-talk-notrousers publications. I’m looking forward to reading The Tab in the middle of my seminars.’

‘I can’t say it’s what I’ve desperately wanted,’ remarked Cuthbert, an Economics student in his final year. ‘As much as I detest the very idea of industrial action, now I shall have to be locked in a lecture hall with some lefty professor telling me that Labour wasn’t responsible for the last economic crisis. I can’t stand this left-wing propaganda.

Free speech is dead here.’

Reynard

‘Ah, but that was this time last year,’ Urquhart responded, ‘I bet students have changed their minds on a lot of things since I was elected. The strikes have been making the atmosphere on campus really tense. Students are angry, staff are angry, and someone needs to step in and keep the community together. So, we chose to push the boat out and really put our necks on the line here – we really wanted to represent students in the best way we could, given the circumstances – and we’ve taken a neutral stance.’

They came, they sat, they drank tea.

Following the UCU's decision to reject pension proposals from UUK, The Lemon Press would like to declare the student occupation of Heslington Hall a success (technically).

Students can now return to lectures and seminars ahead of assessments in their final term. The Lemon Press spoke to several students claiming to be working on their essays while surrounded by takeaways in the library café.

They also went above and beyond the requirement to be considered a sit-in as they also discussed their position!

‘This is great news,’ said Dave, an English student. ‘I’ve not checked Facebook in weeks. I only read my news feed when I’m sitting at the back of the lecture hall. But my friends in Cambridge say nothing interesting has happened on it while I’ve been away.’

‘It’s good to have lecturers back,’ commented Mary, a Politics student in her first year of study. ‘I was really hoping that my module on the state of British media today wouldn’t be cancelled due to the strikes. Our lecturer will be talking about the decline of trust in journalism and the struggle to maintain high

Hes Hall Sit‐in Technically a Success

There were fives of people there and there is consequential, undeniable evidence that they did indeed [wait for it] sit [hold for applause].

Yes it may be considered 'proper' to actually decide your position before you occupy a building but the University of York Labour Club doesn't work by convention.

Chay Quinn

YUSU Position Up For Review

As a policy submission to have Community & Wellbeing split into two roles makes its way through the policy process, sources tell The Lemon Press another YUSU position is likely to be up for review amidst a Vonck's disease outbreak. When asked for comment, Mr Urquhart told our reporter: ‘You might very well think that; I couldn't possibly comment.’

Citric

We have videos on Facebook.

Don't understand YorFuss over YorFess

Fairfax House Declares Independence

Behold!

Fairfax House, that long-ignored off-campus accommodation block of Vanbrugh College, has finally put its foot down. In a surprise move, the residents declared that they would no longer toil under the yoke of Vanbrugh, instead forming their own college.

A miracle! In the depths of the library, the Harry Fairhurst computer room is frozen perpetually in time. For as long back as anyone in the IT suite can remember (about two or three days in the outside world) it has been twenty past five. Time literally stands still.

‘Everyone in Fairfax is very much for it,’ said the former Fairfax House representative, now President of the Fairfax College JCRC. ‘We’re sick and tired of being forgotten, trodden on, and ignored. We should have just as much say in the University as everyone else.’

I found out when I was just strolling into the computer room, my trusty lemon pepper chicken baguette in tow, when to my horror I checked the clock at the wall and it had suddenly gone from ten past one to twenty past five! My essay was due at two, but apparently fractures in the space-time continuum don't count as mitigating circumstances.

Other members of the newly founded college were just as excited. ‘Yeah, I mean it’s alright, I guess,’ said one. ‘I mean, does this mean we can have even more loud parties late at night when everyone else is trying to sleep? Sweet.’ He then wandered off through the Fairfax JCR, which had been overtaken by vodka bottles and pieces of cake left over from last night’s celebration party.

Another spokesperson said, ‘We’re looking forward to this next step in independence. First independence from Vanbrugh, next, the University!’ When asked if the final step was independence from the world, she refused to comment, and backed away down the corridor, making strange hand gestures and holding out a lighted candle before finally turning around and running, screaming something incomprehensible in an ancient, forbidden tongue.

Members of Vanbrugh College were asked how they felt about this secession. One said, ‘My heart breaks. I truly thought we had something special.’ Falling to the ground, he murmured, ‘Fairfax… why, Fairfax?’ before screaming ‘WHY?’ at the sky several times, enraging the nearby geese. Another said, ‘Wait, Fairfax? That’s the off-campus one with the shared bathrooms and tiny kitchens, right? I didn’t apply there. I got Barbara Scott.’

Students from other colleges expressed indifference. One James student said, ‘You mean, it wasn’t already a college? I swear it was, like in 2000 or something.’

Hal Bowden

Is it twenty past five in the morning, or is it twenty past five in the evening? No one knows, but I have been busy frantically begging the physics department to investigate what is surely a monumental leap forward in our understanding of the metaphysics of the universe. They're here right now! Yes, Professor it's amazing isn't -no it's not just because the clock's broken. No I don't care that all the other computers still say it's ten past one.

No don't try to fix it!

No! NOOO-*static* [If you have seen the Head of the Physics Department, or the Harry Fairhurst Computer Suite, please let us know. But don't bother if you've seen the author of this article, he was an odd one. - Eds.] Giles Beattie

York Vision Was Clandestinely Striking in Solidarity with the Lecturers All Along C. Watt Crisis, the Editor of York Vision had this to say - ‘We're glad to finally announce the real reason for our unusually long gap between issues - we call it a “pre-emptive strike.”’

This strategy seems to have somewhat backfired though, due to the long-standing concern that pre-emptive strikes could contravene the principles of the just war doctrine, culminating in The Hague's recent indictment of York Vision for war crimes.

Giles Beattie

York Vision Face New Pains After Managing to Print After defying all odds by making it to print, campus newspaper York Vision discovered a new form of post-print pain. Vision editors were shocked when they suffered paper cuts while distributing.

Vision’s health and safety officer was unfortunately unable to help this unexpected situation stating that their 'main concerns were with helping the paper recover from libel cases, not applying plasters. The Vision first aid kit now only includes the emails for defence lawyers.’

The Lemon Press has offered valuable advice on how to deal with this situation, with gloves frequently appearing on distribution days. Lemon curd has also been recommended to soothe any wounds taken whilst distributing.

Jacob Phillips

Check them out at The Lemon Press's page.

Campus

10

Spider­Man dies

Cleaner Finds Pile of Crumpled Landing Cards Wedged In Archive Toilet Cubicle, Gets Deported Number 10 Downing Street released a statement today reporting on the expected deportation of Cindy WyndRushe, who is set to be shortly removed from the United Kingdom and sent to Jamaica. Miss WyndRushe is an elderly cleaner who recently gained sudden fame after reportedly discovering a huge sack of aged and damaged landing cards from the 50s and 60s in the middle of one of her shifts. These worse-for-wear documents were allegedly discovered shoved behind the cistern of a neglected staff toilet at a government archive on the outskirts of London, where Miss WyndRushe worked at the time.

Unfortunately, before the documents could be officially examined, a mysterious and apparently spontaneous fire took place within the lavatory, which archive officials have explained to be caused by a freak, contained gas leak and illegal inside smoking. Further assessment of the situation is pending, but an

Sunday Times Causes Even More Total Wankers to Come to York One of the many publications belonging to Lord Murdog's distant cousin has struck fear into the hearts of decent Yorkbased folk by declaring York is Britain's ‘best place to live’.

Listing some basic facts about York that a quick five-minute search would reveal, the article is said to be the source for the projected horde of total, utter, consummate bastards who will now move here, causing house prices and, more importantly, pint prices to rise. Shops in the Shambles were seen adding several 0's to their price tags, and the Harry Potter shops have now set up a six kilometre length queueing system.

Ian Gillies, the current leader of City of York Council, though quite possibly not by the time you've read this bit of the sentence, said he was ‘dead chuffed’ with the news, before being run over by a train at the National Railway Museum.

Experts predict hand-to-hand street-fighting over the summer between Geordie stag and hen do's, York locals, and Home Counties families of five. The North Yorkshire Police commented: ‘We will continue to enact Operation Resilient Randomness, where we flip a coin to decide if we'll have any police presence on that day. But it'll still be a PCSO.’ Henry Dyer 11

News & Politics

official gently and regretfully confirmed that the alleged documents had all been destroyed. Sniffing, he added that, 'by the sound of them, they were almost definitely fake anyway.'

Coincidently, it has been discovered that no proof can be found of Miss WyndRushe’s legal right to preside in this country. In the press statement, Downing Street said that it was regretful to confirm that it had concluded Miss WyndRushe was an illegal immigrant in the United Kingdom. It clarified that there was insufficient evidence to prove her and her family’s claim that she has been a law-abiding taxpayer of the country for going on 45 years.

No mention of Miss WyndRushe’s involvement in the alleged discovery of landing cards was made. Theresa May has taken the opportunity to remind the public that she is doing her very best, and is firmly dedicated to doing the right thing for Britain’s people, and members of the Commonwealth.

Izzy Palmer

Sajid Javid to Be Deported with Immediate Effect Officials at the Home Office have confirmed that the newly appointed Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, is to be deported from the United Kingdom this afternoon. Walter Whiteman, the Director of Immigration Enforcement at the Home Office, had the following to say: ‘it seems that Mr Javid is what we call an ‘ethnic’ here at the Home Office, and whilst he may call himself the ‘Secretary of State’, no one is above the law.’ On being asked why there has been such a delay, Whiteman angrily said 'well, I'll have you know that it took us 50 years to get the last lot, so a month is an impressive improvement, frankly.'

The former Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, expressed shock that ‘one slipped through the net. I thought we’d got them all. Shame that.’ Shortly after making this statement Ms Rudd was seen burning a filing cabinet and googling the phrase ‘I lied to a Select Committee please help me’. The Prime Minister responded to the news by announcing that all further deportations would be suspended ‘until we can find the person responsible and hold Amber Rudd to account’.

Myles Dunnett

thelemonpress.co.uk is officially...

Caution: Wet Paint

Save Our Slots The year is 2025, 2p coins have been out of circulation for a whole year and seaside amusement arcades are on the brink of collapse. The once bustling arcades of Scarborough now welcome but a trickle of punters. There’s a sense of despair at the slot machines, or ‘the slots’ as frequenters call them. ‘I used to be able to get by with a few pounds worth a night, now I’m parting with notes,’ reflected a patron of ‘ARRCade: A Pirate’s Pick’. This sad sentiment is reflected everywhere you look, 10p is now the minimum needed to have a fleeting few seconds of coin-pushing satisfaction. Once proud individuals and pillars of the community, coin-pushers have had to turn to pill-pushing to fund their favourite pastime.

Businesses have been quick to adapt, installing cashless slot machines allowing for smaller denominations, requiring only a tap of an approved credit card. You used to be asked to leave if

you tapped (or kicked) the machines, how times change. It’s not just about mindlessly funneling money into a metal husk, there’s an experience to be had. The strange smell of the coins, the precise art of getting the coin to land when the tray is at its point of greatest extension, and the excruciating wait to see if your prior fortitudinous is destined to be rewarded with the crash of copper.

Downing Street has stated that they do not intend to curtail our coppers as was considered in a Treasury paper. However, we must remain vigilant. Let the change jingle, the quasi-gamblers mingle, and you’ll be spreading joy like Kris Kringle.

Will Rowan

Monarchy Abolished After Teenagers Complain Online Buckingham Palace, London – the scene of unprecedented activity. Moving men from 42 separate companies rush in and out of doors, carrying sofas, tapestries, and secret documents detailing Diana’s assassination. Room by room, the palace is being emptied, and its contents being ferried to auction-houses across the country. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has abolished the monarchy.

This astounding course of events started mere days earlier, as a blurry smartphone video of Nottingham teen Leon Jones was uploaded to Facebook , in which he criticised the monarchy for ‘not deserving their wealth’ and ‘taking taxpayer money’.

Needless to say, the effects were immediate. The emergence of such a groundbreaking political opinion shocked the nation, and quickly gathered bipartisan support. The Lemon Press spoke to

Elizabeth herself, now living in a care home in Surrey, and asked her about the week’s extraordinary events.

'It’s crazy, really,' the 92 year old smiled, 'I’d never quite thought about it that way. Once it dawned on me that me and my family held our positions merely due to the circumstances of our births, it only seemed right to get rid of the whole system. Ah well, I’m sure the Commonwealth will get on just fine without us.'

In other news, the loss of the massive amounts of money the royals generated for the country has plunged the UK into a bitter economic depression. At least Brexit will sort us out soon, eh?

Alfie Gerzimbke

Corbynistas Insist Corbyn Anti‐Semitic Mural Scandal Just Another Global Conspiracy In the wake of revelations that Jeremy Corbyn backed a graffiti artist in 2012 whose artwork had anti-semitic tropes on Facebook, his ardent supporters have been quick to dismiss the claims, criticism, and even the statement by his office as part of a global conspiracy.

In a video posted on Twitter that opens with a man snorting crushed BrainForce ExtraPlus++ pills off an avocado, @PeaceAndOttolenghiLover63 said: ‘Luciana Berger's treacherous Tory tricks, even if she claims to be a Labour MP, is just another part of the Mainstream Media Establishment crony machine which is seeking to destroy Momentu— sorry, got ahead of myself there — the

Labour Party's chances of winning the local elections to stop Jeremy from taking power and dismantling the global new world order. The machine has got so strong in its effort to put us down that they've even taken over Jeremy's office.’

Others were quick to reply, suggesting possible identities for the supposed shadowy figures, ranging from Cambridge Analytica ’because it was on Facebook so you know’, ISIS, ’definitely not Vladimir Putin because he is a good pal’, George Soros, Admiral Horatio Nelson, the Rothschilds, the Habsburgs, a work colleague who ‘likes the colour blue and has a lot of candles, I'm just saying’, and a small snail nicknamed ‘Stephen’ who

... the finest website in Heslington.

keeps eating one user's tomato plants.

When it was asked if some of the suggestions most frequently made were themselves anti-semitic, several Corbynistas paused for thought, before being violently purged – unfollowed despite the #FBPE tag they have, regardless of Corbyn's clear Eurosceptic stance, and uninvited from their local Momentum ‘Compost for Corbyn’ event.

Number 10 commented: ‘At this point in time, we are too busy both laughing our arses off, and getting embroiled in our scandal, though this one is to do with outing someone. Hurrah for diversity!’

Henry Dyer

News & Politics

12

Elevator out of use, please use the ladder provided.

Trump Fires Strike Missiles After Claims They Have 'Bone Spurs', May Criticised, Macron Responds President Trump has fired missiles in the latest plot twist of reality that is the Apprentice writ large, opening hostilities with *checks hand to see that an anxious sweat has rubbed all the writing off* presumably Syria. The missiles, which Trump believed were striking and attempting to unionise, were fired towards alleged chemical weapons bases, despite complaints by the missiles that they didn't deserve to be fired, because they couldn't go to war on account of their bone spurs.

President Trump described the missiles as 'very fast, the fastest you've ever seen, which means they can't have bone spurs, and you shouldn't make up having bone spurs, ok, because it's a big deal, the biggest deal, and I know the art of the deal, so I'm an expert, and the missiles, they're very fast, and very big, and it's gonna be great, folks, it's all going to be great, so good.'

British and French air forces also joined in the opening strike.

Theresa May has been criticised for involving the UK without a Parliamentary debate, instead spending some time in a florist's.

As the old saying goes, April missile showers bring May flowers.

Jeremy Corbyn has suggested that if the missiles were young enough, they could take a free bus to Syria, which would be much more eco-friendly.

Emmanuel Macron was last seen trying to sign an unconditional surrender of all French territory to the first Syrian-looking person he could find in Paris, whilst muttering something about the 'Maginot line' and the 'fucking Belgians'.

Henry Dyer

Dream Come True: North Korean Man set to Meet US President

Brought up in a brutal dictatorship; surrounded by appalling deprivation, and the constant spectre of war, childhood is fleeting for those in North Korea. In these appalling circumstances, one boy had a dream: to meet the President of the United States. Usually those from North Korea who meet the US President have been previously abducted whilst travelling there or risked their lives escaping the horrors of the totalitarian state, not in the case of the boy who wished. President Trump has agreed to turn his dream into reality. That boy is now a man and his name is Kim Jong-un.

Donald Trump Jr. Divorced from Reality

Donald Trump Jr. is to make his departure from reality official.

The papers are signed, the head examinations have been performed and he’s ready to make his descent into madness known to the authorities. His relationship with truth had been under strain for some time and the two hope to reach an amicable settlement. Trump is hopeful he can split the shared facts they owned, keeping the ones he favours. I am sure the post-truth life will treat him well.

The Sun is 'Packing Heat', Arm Yourself Patriots

Protect yourself patriots, the Sun is out to get you. This socalled 'rising star' has been waking us every single day and it's time we said 'enough is enough'. Show it that it's not the only thing in this Solar System with 'fire-power'!

Will Rowan

Update from The Lemon Press Washington Desk: American Teachers to be Given Firearms

President Trump recently announced that in order to deter further mass shootings in American schools more teachers will be given firearms.

In an interview, the President made a concise speech, suggesting that ‘the only way to stop a bad kid with a gun is a good teacher with a firearm. That way the kid will be distracted by the teacher waving around those burning arms. Firearms are a very unique idea that I invented. I’ve thought a lot about firearms and I think that they’ll make our schools safer. And the thing about them is that they’re not made in China, they’re not made in Korea – the good one I mean not the other one. No they’re all American firearms, and that’s a good thing. Firearms are a very smart idea and everyone who says that they cause burns are just completely wrong. Totally wrong on that, and so many other things. By the way, has anyone thought about the link between the words burns and the word Bernie? It’s the left that make these lies about firearms. Firearms are an absolutely necessary thing to keep our children safe and every teacher should keep them under their sleeves in case they’re needed. Me? I don’t have firearms personally but I do have a gun.’

Teachers around America responded by lighting themselves on fire.

Next week: WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICANS AND WHY DO THEY KEEP BUYING WEAPONS AND KILLING EACH OTHER OH MY CHRIST Myles Dunnett 13

News & Politics

Listen to our podcast...

Are you actually reading or just looking at the pictures?

OPINION: Why We Need to Protect the Second Amendment and Allow School Shootings to Happen – So We Can Have More in Foreign Countries This week's opinion column is by Bill 'Violate My NAP, Get Droned Like Iraq' Light.

There's been an awful lot of suggestions, which are traitorous, by the way, coming out by the usual Leftie Libtard Met-roh-politan Socialists saying we need gun control. Boo-fucking-hoo, this is AMERICA, and if you don't like it, you can leave. If you're not going to stand up for the Amendments of our Constitution, which CANNOT be changed, EVER, you are betraying the soldiers fighting for our freedom and our country and our flag (though I always thought the flag would look better with bars instead of stripes if you get me). You might as well just shoot them in the back, though you wouldn't, because you're all damned pussies who've never even seen a gun.

Look, it's simple. America is a beacon of freedom and liberty to people across the world. If we're telling people that the way to live is to not have frequent homicides, what sort of precedent does that set? A black one, like Obama. And he was bad, and not an American. It sets un-American black precedents, or maybe they're red, uh, like the devil! So if we start trying to stop school shootings here, how do you think people are going to react when our brave brave soldiers from their Utah bunker, THAT IS TO SAY ON THE GOD DAMN FRONT LINE, are shooting up schools in Shitfanistan, or Europe, or wherever the ISIS people are hiding, with a drone. It's hypocrisy, it is. You're saying that foreign children get the right to be blown to shit, but American children don't? It's worse than hypocrisy, it's unpatriotic. And so I will protect the right of American schoolchildren to die at the hands of an American just as those foreign kids get the right to die at the hands, well, joystick, of an American. And I will do that with every weapon in my arsenal, so help me God. And if you dare step on me, or my rights, or my kids, you better be ready, because the Storm will come.

Henry Dyer

‘Good Guys’ Don’t Accept NRA Money

ATTENTION PATRIOTS!

THE FUTURE LIBERALS WANT: Last WHITE MALE Rhino Dies

HERO

(SPR/AP)

Pasky Miranda

‘Bernie or Busters’ Finally go Bust It’s been two years since the primaries, but the revolution, that is 'our revolution’, has been ongoing. All that time fighting the good fight on Twitter has left some financially insolvent. They said it’d be over by Christmas 2016, that these brave soldiers could return home to their families, but they’ve had to dig in for the long haul.

There was the Christmas truce, back in the halcyon days. One single day when individuals on both extremes saw glimmers of themselves in the 'enemy’ and made peace with it. ‘At least it wasn’t Hillary!’ they typed. That was short-lived.

Alas, Rome nor political discourse was destroyed in a day. Will our boys be back home by 2020? Probably not.

We frequently hear about how arming a ‘good guy’ with a gun in a classroom, shopping mall or everyday place will help fix America’s gun violence problem. What about fewer Senators accepting Will Rowan money from the NRA? Wouldn’t that increase the chances of bipartisan gun reform? [*Knock at door* Person at door: Take this, it should provide more clarity on your written work.

Me: Thanks for the suitcase of money, it’s nice to know that you’re just supporting my work and not trying to influence me. Have a good day!]

So, what was I saying? More 'good guy’ Senators? Nonsense, ignore it. Also, a second amendment to my previous ramblings, give the teachers guns, it’s the logical step.

Will Rowan

... coming soon.

News & Politics

14

Which editor would you rather kiss...

Beggar Dips into Hedge Fund to Pay Begging Fine

With rumours coming out that local governments are considering issuing fines to homeless people begging for money, it has been uncovered that this may not, after all, be worth kicking up a skunk about.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, a veteran of the road after having been without permanent fixed address for over five years, has expressed his annoyance at handing over cash to ‘the big man’, but stresses that his financier at Citibank Panama should not have a problem funding the government levy.

'Yeah, it’s a bit fucking annoying actually, because I was gonna spend a hundred quid getting a wax finish on my Porsche, but what can you do?'

When we inquired as to why he wasn’t living in one of his five holiday properties, or staying in the Porsche, Chicken Caesar said he wouldn’t have his life any other way and that begging was one of his hobbies.

Proponents of the bill, such as Jenny Hollingsbee of Shepway District Council, have suggested that this will effectively reduce the numbers of rough sleepers in the country.

'Come on, it’s not exactly rocket surgery is it? We all know criminalizing things mean that they stop being a problem. Criminalize drugs? No more drugs! Criminalize poverty? No more poverty!'

The Conservative Party have denied all allegations that they are the party that ‘hate the poor’ following the news. They have confirmed that the incineration of a £50 note before a homeless man (as an initiation of the Bullingdon Club, and a fast track to the Tory cabinet) is 'complete arse fluff', and that they prefer fucking dead pigs instead.

Kathryn Sandercock

Henry Bolton Giving out Party Invitations

No-one knows how to ruin a party like Henry Bolton, apart from Paul Nuttall who invented, and perfected, the practice of ‘party crashing’. Bolton turns up to the party, no-one knows him, but his name is on the list. He’s brought a much younger companion who has ‘takes’ so repugnant that she’ll make you do a double-take, a triple-take, and then take yourself anywhere but near her. They’re asked to leave. She pretends to leave but just hides in the garden behind some petunias. He protests and starts providing preposterous metaphors, one second he’s draining swamps like only Shrek can, and the next he’s staging landings at Normandy. Party members declare they’ve had enough. Finally, after wholly unnecessary exertions, Bolton is removed.

Several weeks later he arrives on the doorstep, brandishing invites to his own party. They seem to have been produced by a young child who has just discovered the existence of WordArt. ‘There is an urgent need for a new way of doing politics that truly involves communities!’ he intones to a shutting door. Within the hour he’s out on the street, flogging his unappealing wares, ‘One Nation!

One Nation! One great British Pound!’ he cries, ‘Shut up!’ shouts an onlooker, speaking with the voice of a nation. We can all hope ‘For an Independent Future’, one independent of Henry Bolton.

Will Rowan

SHOCK! Tiny Horses and Hand Holding Them Just Really Far Away This Whole Time and in Fact Massive, Reveal Scientists Henry Dyer

15

News & Politics

We have opinions over on Twitter...

Paul Dacre or John Witherow?

‘Bless this mess’ Mom Discovers that Mess was Not Blessed, Burns in the Fiery Depths of Hell Forever

Recently deceased Cheryl Cleveland, a 48-year-old middle-class mother from the suburbs of St Louis Missouri, has been shocked to discover that God did not ‘bless this mess’, despite the obnoxiously tacky and offensively useless Target-bought decorative wall plaque hanging in her kitchen.

Speaking from the eternal fires of the Underworld, surrounded on all sides by unending suffering, Ms Cleveland reported that she was ‘shocked’ that her home had not been looked upon favourably by the sun god Ra.

Ms Cleveland, in-between a skewering session and a disembowelment workshop, said that ‘I suppose that I should have seen it coming. Sometimes the boys could be awful messy, and occasionally I’d forget to hoover up for a week or two. So I guess I deserve this eternal punishment.’ She also expressed her surprise that her religious beliefs were wrong, and when pressed, said only that ‘the Egyptians were pretty close to the mark.’

Ms Cleveland, who died after accidentally dropping a hairdryer into the bath in a misguided attempt to speed up her morning routine, takes comfort in the fact that she will soon be joined by her husband, Paul, 50, and kids, Jake, 18, Chad, 17, and Ellen, 14, who are, she assures us, ‘slowly marching towards their eternal damnation thanks to that unblessed mess. Ra is not best pleased.’

Myles Dunnett

Learning to Count with Count von Count Dankula

Greetings, children, it is I, Sesame Street's beloved Count von Count Dankula, wanker extraordinaire, and shanterman-at-large, a-haha. I, a bona-fide count, am here with my tasteful Transylvanian accent on your children's television programme to share with you my 'offensive social commentary', yes, a-ha-ha, and teach you how to count, a-ha-ha.

Zero, a-ha-ha: Zero good jokes I have ever told, a-ha-ha, yes.

One: one... one FECKING OUT-RAY-JUS BASTARD COURT CASE BROUGHT AGAINST ME BY THOSE CHARLATANS... one joke, harmless, honest, I did not mean anything by it guv, a-ha-ha!

Two: Too much attention I receive for the utter dreck I put out, a-ha-ha!

Eight hundred: Number of pounds THOSE THIEVIN BASTARDS ARE MAKIN' ME PAY, yes, I'll show 'em, kids, aye, you know Big Bird, they're in charge of everything, aye, the bird's just a disguise for the global conspiracy, a-ha-ha!

The Communications Act 2003: Act under which I WAS FALSELY PERSECUTED BECAUSE FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS DEAD, AYE, aha-ha!

Tommy Robinson and his ilk: My new friends, fuck you Kermit fuckers, a-ha-ha!

Three million: Number of views I received on my amusing and interesting bit of social commentary, a-ha-ha!

Six milli–:[A bolt of lightning strikes the Count dead. Thunderous applause follows.]

Henry Dyer

Ribbon Cut at Unveiling of World's Longest Ribbon ‘I am proud to unveil the world’s longest ribbon, a marvellous achievement!’ roared Mayor Joe Key as he snipped the ribbon. The cameras flashed, perfectly capturing the precious few individuals who started to scream in the horror of sudden realisation. Luckily, the remnants of the ribbon were able to form the world’s longest noose.

Runner ‘Goes Extra Mile’ in 100M Charity Race, is Disqualified Who would have thought it? Step aside, Usain Bolt. Well done, Insain Dolt.

Stalkers to Be Followed ‘Wherever They Go’ in New Scheme A new special unit is being created to deal with the scourge of stalkers. These highly trained officers know how to follow a suspect, being always aware of their subject's next move, all whilst lurking in the shadows. New applicants are welcome, with training being given 'on-the-job'. Follow us for more promising opportunities.

Will Rowan

... @thelemonpress

News & Politics

16

Refreshments available on page 32

Escapologist Can’t Escape Poor Career Choices He’s submerged in a shark tank, handcuffed to a chair, risking his life for a few disheveled customers. The cloth is thrown over the tank, at which point he’s dimly aware that he has 10 seconds to enact his escape. He does this every day but today doesn’t go quite to plan.

His mind is elsewhere, he’s revisiting every moment, every fork in the path that lead him to this one. The misspent youth, the allure of danger, and the facade of showmanship. What if he'd spent more time in school? He could have become a more successful escapologist for a start, surely such a dangerous job should pay more?

Did it start at the circus? That one time when there was that performer by the lion enclosure, rhythmically beating his drum while the shrieks of children punctuated the percussion? He was there now, slowly slipping away from the crowd as rain started to fall, faster and faster. The children all ran indoors but their screams were getting louder, telling him to wake up. Wake up? Maybe they were right, he’d sleepwalked into the profession, never considering the other options. Maybe, maybe.

He’d wanted to be a doctor once, the defibrillator had always looked cool. In fact, he could feel the pressure on his

Billionaire's Shortbread Introduced in Venezuela With inflation hitting its stride at 18000%, something was needed to lift the spirits of the Venezuelan people. The new government approved, produced, and distributed Billionaire's Shortbread hits the sweet spot. Maduro knows he needs to address the problem of runaway inflation, with rival presidential candidate Henri Falcon forcing him to find novel

solutions.

Printing money and raising the minimum wage wasn’t putting food on the table, Billionaire Shortbread solves the food-part. It’s proving so popular that there are 10 hour queues just to receive a rationed 5 grams of the new treat!

Will Rowan

stomach now, his body shaking as his heart soared. Follow his heart, yes, that’s what he should have done.

There was that phase when he’d wanted to be a priest. 'We are gathered today, to commemorate…’, he could hear himself practising as a child, well, it wasn’t his voice. It’s rather a shame it had taken so long for him to realise he could be anything he wanted, all he needed to do was wake up.

Will Rowan

Buzzfeed Revealed to be Front for Pro‐Apiary Organisation Buzzfeed, the popular internet news site, has been revealed to be a front for the Organisation for the Continued Nutrition of Bees, or OCNOB, a group created to protect beekeepers and beehives.

An OCNOB representative, clothed in a dark hooded cloak, commented only, 'Bzzz, bzzzzz, bzz bzzzzz,' before the cloak fell, revealing that they

were in fact a swarm of several thousand bees. The bees promptly rearranged themselves to form the words 'FEED US' in midair, which then dissipated as the individual bees flew off, presumably to find flowers to pollinate or do whatever it is bees do when they're not writing clickbait.

Hal Bowden

‘Where’s My Onion?’ Says Man Missing Onion Jim Shallot, a meat sack from the Sunderland area, has been asking numerous people where his onion is. Jim claims to have had the onion right there in his hand just a few minutes ago, yet now is without it. Mr Shallot grew the vegetable on his allotment, and is particularly keen to discover its whereabouts, according to his wife, Echalion.

One person Jim accosted was Susan Allium. Susan told us that Jim ‘just approached me asking where his onion was. Naturally I told him I didn’t know, because I didn’t know where his onion was. I’m a truthful person, so I felt it best just to be honest with him. He looked like he was in a right state like - but then you would be too if you’d lost an onion. Maybe it was nicked, but I think it’s unlikely that they would have just stolen an onion.’

Jim’s local MP, Bridget Phillipsonion, said: ‘Jim is doing a wonderful job of holding the powerful to account here in Sunderland. He is a model citizen, and the government must do more.’

We have since reached out to Jim for comment, but received the following response: ‘do you bastards know where my onion is?’

Myles Dunnett

17

News & Politics

Join The Lemon Press for just £5, or...

Does anyone know anywhere that does good bagels in Tel Aviv?

Baron Kilclooney of Armagh: An Agony in Six Fits

Former Ulster Unionist. Peer of the realm. Assassination survivor. ‘Not a racist’... allegedly.

Here’s a little poem in honour of Baron Kilclooney of Armagh: Baron Kilclooney of Armagh, Has got in a terrible state.

In response to Mr Varadkar He has stirred up so much hate.

One day the Baron was sitting, On the toilet so they say, And most likely he was shitting, As he does most every day.

On Twitter he was ranting, At the Taoiseach’s crimes so great, For he finds the country’s leader, A most grievous reprobate.

He called him a ‘typical Indian’, A slur not new to him, For he has labelled Varadkar such before And all with a terrible grin.

He said ‘I couldn’t spell his surname’, A defence that’s paper thin, Because if he can use Twitter, I’m sure he could use Bing.

But Baron Kilclooney of Armagh, Is racist — no more!

He has served his sentence And lies prostrate on the floor.

But Baron Kilclooney of Armagh, Keeps a secret under his hat: It’s not the Indians he hates, It himself cos’ he’s a twat.

Myles Dunnett

Quiz!

Kim Jong-un bears a startling likeness to which fictional character: a) Stay Puft Marshmallow Man b) Pillsbury Doughboy c) Russell from Up Answer: All of the above

... the pelt of a bison.

John Smith Hasn’t Had to Fill in an Online Form in 10 Years

John Smith had thought that everyone's forms were personalised until he had the displeasure to witness someone else having to fill one in. He’d just been smashing the submit button for over a decade, unaware that everyone else has been having to remove his highly personal information before entering their own.

Smith provided some added insight, 'I was born on the 1st of January and managed to secure example@gmail.com pretty early on so I’d just call myself lucky. However, I am concerned about everyone else knowing I live at 1 High Street, London.’

Tourists Upset as Rain Falls in Cape Town

It hadn't rained in weeks, until it poured. Locals danced in the streets, thanking the heavens for this welcome reprieve. Crates were filled with tears of joy to the accompany of rainfalls' melodic plip-plopping. Day zero, the day the water reserves run dry, has been approaching for months. For a few blissful hours the future was forgotten. Sightseers were angry, 'We get enough of this beastly weather at home, it’s put a damper on the start of our trip. I can only hope that it doesn’t rain again for the rest of the month we're here!’

‘Golan Heights’ Ride Coming to Alton Towers

A brand new ride is coming to Alton Towers. ‘Golan Heights’ will take riders through decades of geopolitical tensions over a disputed territory in approximately 2 minutes when it opens in 2020. Its designers saw an opportunity to explore controversial topics through a new medium, a high-speed roller coaster. Due to the intense nature of the ride, all thrillseekers will be required to wear ‘Iron Dome’ protective headwear.

Twitter Poll Finds Twitter Polls are Most Accurate Form of Poll

100% of a frankly irrelevant sample size from a poll conducted by a partisan Twitter account has found that the humble Twitter poll is the most accurate form of opinion poll. This was no surprise to Roger Jones, the creator of the poll. ‘Firstly, confirmation bias is a myth. Secondly, if the result had been that Twitter polls were the least accurate form of poll, that would lead to a paradox. Hence, I already knew that they had to be the most accurate polling option on the market. Checkmate YouGov.’ Will Rowan

News & Politics

18

'You can write what you want in The Lemon Press'

Music Rind‐Up Arctic Monkeys ‘Four Out Of Five’ The way people are speaking about this new AM material is as if they got Philip Glass to burp over a recording of the Paris Metro line but people are talking shit.

Yeah sure it might not have the energy or humble honesty of when they used to sing about getting one up the lass you met at the chippy on Dev Green after a big one with your mates, but it's still an earnest telling of how naff upper society is when you're a bloke who used to score in Dev Green chippy.

8/10 (subtle joke)

Childish Gambino ‘This Is America’ An almost weapons-grade groove is overlaid by stabbing insights into the injustices of modern America. The music

video is laden with symbology that, along with the infectious refrain, will stay with you for hours long after you first see it.

It's a piece that is so impactful and memorable that when you stumble across Nicole Arbour's completely oblivious "parody" version you'll end up chewing off your own skin before rolling in salt in sheer anger at the fact someone could be so tone deaf.

10/10

Lil Dicky ‘Freaky Friday ft. Chris Brown’ Finally an artist bold enough to address one of the questions that has troubled both philosophers and musicians since time immemorial: what would it be like to wake up inside Chris Brown's body? It's a

pretty playful and funny track but sadly Ed Sheeran features in the music video and I remembered how bad the last season of Game of Thrones was which made me pour my drink onto my laptop to make it stop. As the smoke billowed out from my failing computer the rotund meme shape of DJ Khaled appeared in frame and confirmed my hasty techdestruction was for the best.

4/10

@GHANAFACTZ This isn't a song but it is the most interesting account active on twitter right now.

10/10 Pasky Miranda

NBC Accidentally Commission Sixth Series of Brooklyn 66 The relief of fans of Brooklyn Nine-Nine at the renewing of their favourite show may be shortlived, as it's revealed an adminstrative fault led to NBC renewing a sixth series of Brooklyn Six-Six. The satanic forces that, naturally, were opened up by this ritual of recommission announced that they intend to produce the series starting with the fan-favourite Halloween episode.

Leaks from the Brooklyn 66 writers' room reveal that the lovable characters of 99 will be conjured into 66's world, a brutal and twisted one, closer to a simulation of hell than the affable and positive world they were used to [hold on, this sounds a

lot like another NBC show... - Eds.] The nightmarish setting into which the characters will be transported will have such features as: - Regular killings of innocent civilians by cops, a process the Brooklyn Nine-Nine crew will find themselves inextricably drawn towards.

- An increasingly militarised police force.

- Racist attitudes in the force that end up with Terry's supposed 'suicide' after complaining about discrimination by Hitchcock and Scully, who quickly become total bastards and are swiftly promoted on account of their obvious skill.

- Gina failing to carry out the

administrative work necessary to track the number of killings carried out, leading to a hush-up of police activity.

- Diaz being bullied and then fired when she complains to a superior (Holt being fired first).

- Peralta and Boyle being forced to learn how best to choke someone to death in a way that looks accidental.

Anyway, what a relief that sort of thing will only be on the television! Enjoy, Brooklyn Nine-Nine fans!

Henry Dyer

Infinity War Sparks Stream of Assaults The government has had to issue a warning to the general public after the release of the newest Avengers movie. According to police reports, people should refrain from talking about the movie to any extent, to avoid someone screaming 'SPOILERS' and proceeding to attack them.

Multiple accounts of assault litter the country, including: a CEO who pushed their coworker out of a window after said coworker spoke of Thanos gaining some infinity stones; a 13-year-old schoolgirl burning her friend's books after said friend spoke of Bucky returning; and a man who, overhearing an old lady saying how she liked Spiderman, proceeded to hit her with his car.

The government has warned the public to not speak of the movie at all, as even mentioning things in the trailer is treading too far into SPOILER territory. They also advised not to talk about past films either. Just pretend the franchise doesn't exist and you should be fine.

Lucy Finnighan 19

Arts

Find us on Twitter...

'Who can you point to in the history of your paper that is somebody?'

Arctic Monkeys Divide Opinion by Releasing New Album Comprised Entirely of Dogs Barking It is 10,000 BC. Ug the caveman crudely paints an antelope on the wall of his cave.

Art is born. He shows Og the caveman, who tells him it’s dreadful – he didn’t get the mouth right. Ug then kills Og and leaves his body as an offering to the Sun. The point is, art has always divided opinion.

After a staggering five-year wait, Sheffield rock gods Arctic Monkeys have released a new album – and it is controversial, to say the least. Marking a drastic step away from the band’s previous mixture of postpunk floor fillers and gigantic riffs, new album 38 Minutes of Assorted Woofs and Growls has left many fans impressed, but left just as many disappointed. One fan, @darkfruitsforever on Twitter, even

claimed it ‘made his ears bleed’, before adding ‘the new album from blossoms is absolutely class tho’. However, Twitter isn’t all negative. @yokodidnothingwrong replied to the above tweet, claiming that ‘as an intellectual, the canine cacophony isn’t hard to decipher’, and making the point that Arctic Monkeys can’t just keep writing songs about the same things – ‘the band are in their thirties now, and it makes sense that they would start writing albums entirely composed of dog noises at this point in their lives.’

Critical opinion is similarly mixed.

Rolling Stone’s less-than-favourable review declared Assorted Woofs ‘a ruff

affair’; observing that ‘Alex Turner has claimed that Beach Boys albums like Pet Sounds informed his writing process this time around – we think he took the album’s name a little too literally.’ The NME, however, has a different viewpoint, and their journalists managed to take enough time out of their constant arselicking of Oasis to give the album four stars out of five. In between mouthfuls of Liam Gallagher’s rancid anus, the magazine claimed that ‘the decision to include nothing on this album except a collection of howling mutts screeching has paid off – and fans of the band will find Assorted Woofs and Growls the band’s most artistically dense work to date.’

Alfie Gerzimbke

Rejected Delos Parks Eastworld (A bit too broad?)

Jurassicworld (Possible law suit?)

Waterworld (Come on now...)

Wayne’sworld (Seriously?)

Rajworld (Right after the Problem with Apu controversy?)

Flatworld (Isn’t this just the real world?)

Rwandaworld (We’ll put it on the back burner...)

Hitlerwelt (You’re fired.)

Ben Walker

The Lemon Press Literary Supplement: Retrospective Book Reviews Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë Length: 212 pages/2 years of GCSE study Rating: Pathetic and phallusy Review: A lot of people claim to love this novel. Many suggest that it is their favourite love story: these people are morons. Wuthering Heights is an abortion of a novel. It is a work of fiction so suicide inducing that some idiot YouTuber will probably take it to a forest in Japan and fuck it for views. There’s only one thing worse than this novel, and it’s the Kate Bush song of the same name. I wish this novel the unquietest of slumbers.

A Passage to India, E. M. Forster Length: 1858-1947 Rating: Finer than Louis Mountbatten's favourite polo mallet Review: Simultaneously heralded as one of the greatest works in English literature whilst also drawing criticism for sexism, racism and imperialism, Forster’s novel is, much like the British Raj, a masterpiece.

... @thelemonpress

Or a very deeply upsetting thing. Really depends which angle of the universe you look at it from. Either way, well done old boy. Now, punkah wallah: club, club! Oh! Why won’t the fool go?

Midnight’s Children, Salman Rushdie Length: Abusive Rating: ‘fuck me Salman fuck me Salman fuck me Salman’ (The Man Booker Prize Committee) Review: Midnight’s Children is not a novel so much as it is the world’s longest begging letter. Salman’s desire to be praised oozes from every page. And we should all be oh so very grateful to him for making magical realism so popular.

Thanks Salman, you’re the best. Prick.

The Pale King, David Foster Wallace Length: Shorter than he’d hoped Rating: u ok hun?

Review: In his tragically short life, David Foster Wallace managed a few things.

This was not one of them.

À la recherche du temps perdu, Marcel Proust Length: Incomprehensible Rating: Unknown Review: It’s very very hard to review a book that no one has actually ever finished. Over the course of seven enormous volumes Proust meditates on the concept of memory and the emptiness of life. The pages of the book, however, are far from empty: Proust is not one given to brevity. Still, this tome has fired the loins of many an academic for years, so we can thank Proust for keeping a very large number of very boring people in heated offices and out of the places normal people go.

Literary Citric

Arts

20

The ink is highly toxic...

E3 Predictions: What We Can Expect

Oh yes. It's that time of the year again. A time of cheering, crying, and yearningly waiting, like a faithful golden retriever at Battersea Dogs' Home whose pen keeps moving closer to the back door. I'm talking, of course, about that summer gaming expo we all know and love. Here's what we think will unfold in 2018.

Shadows Die Twice: FromSoft’s mysterious new instalment will receive another 27 seconds of trailer from which our brave fans can make 2 hour video essays when not making 3 hour video essays on why the moss in Dark Souls: Remastered looks like shit.

We speculate that, much like 'Project Beast', Shadows Die Twice is a working title that will soon reveal itself to be the longawaited Bloodborne Kart: Squids n' Skids for the Nintendo Switch.

Fallout 3 Anniversary Edition: Given that Todd Howard hasn't seemed to have escaped his containment facility in Rockville, Maryland yet, take this with a grain of salt. If true, however, we can look forward to a reimagining of a classic for next-gen consoles. Stay tuned-out for such features as a high-res green filter, improved AI bigotry, and watching a tin can ricochet

across an abandoned subway tunnel, killing the Lone Wanderer instantly in stunning 60fps.

Dream Daddy Dating Simulator: Origins: We never actually find out what happened to your deceased spouse, so it's ripe ground for a prequal. I posit a plot involving hiring a deep web hitman to pop a cap in their ass so I can eventually shack up with Brian across the road.

Cyberpunk 2077: Not gonna lie, we wouldn't bank on this one making an appearence. Although a futuristic, dystopian DLC for The Witcher 3 is a possibility that excites many fans of the franchise, CD Projekt Red have voiced their difficulties over including enough sultry, large-breasted robots for Geralt to have sex with. Expect a release in approximately 2049.

Anthem: A new IP by Bioware. Do not preorder it. I mean it. I'm serious. Mass Effect: Andromeda caused the March 2017 flight ban. If you actually preorder this game me and my entire Discord server will doxx your mum.

Super Smash Bros: It's fine you can preorder this one.

Fable IV Development Stalled After Supernatural Events

Playground Games, the new minds behind the hit RPG series, reported that strange noises could be heard coming from the air vents for several months during initial brainstorming sessions, significantly delaying their schedule.

'It was pretty harrowing,' said one designer, 'it sounded like some guy shouting "GUYS IF FABLE II ISN'T THE VIRTUAL EQUIVALENT TO FROLICKING IN THE GARDENS OF BABYLON I WILL LITERALLY UNBIRTH MYSELF. I WILL DISSIPATE INTO THE ETHER AND BECOME NOTHINGNESS INCARNATE I PROMISE ACTUALLY HOLD ME TO THIS ALRIGHT YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED."'

In the Next Issue of Gaming Jury...

Predictions About Predictions About E3: Everyone is Wrong Except Us

21

Arts

Want some?

But the paper is delicious. Consume at your peril.

Athletic INTJ guy Looking for Cute ESFJ Girl on Campus

Old Man You Thought Was Going Away is Not

It's been a couple of months since I last started thinking about seriously getting back with my ex so I thought I'd get myself back in the game. Yeah, I'm an INTJ, you know, 'the mastermind' personality type, but I tend to veer a little to the INFJ side late at night or if I've had a few beers. I'm not like most INTJs, I work out a lot and I'd say I'm more leftist than centrist. Like, I read Ayn Rand, but I kind of don't agree with all of it. I'd say I'm a 7.

Looking for an ESFJ queen to be the yin to my yang. My ex is an ESTP and I don't know, there was just kind of a lot of weird energy there. Need someone to bring me out of my shell a little bit. Hopefully you listen to a bit of ALT-J. Don't really mind if you're a little dumber than me, I can work with that. Hit my Linkedin if you're interested. Can't have kids.

Michael Davies

As we draw close to that time of year when people part ways, it is time to work out who that one guy is in your social circle. The one you were hoping might be heading off. The one who you were never really sure about. Uh huh. In about a week or two he will quietly, inoffensively announce that he is sticking around.

Probably for a master's, but possibly indefinitely, knowing him.

Great. Another year of that guy. Another year of socialising with that guy you really hoped would be heading off to somewhere reasonably distant. Like Tokyo. Yeah. That guy.

Oh, by the way: I'm going to be doing a master's course guys. I can't wait to spend another year here with my friends. Anyway.

Like I was saying: I hate THAT guy.

Myles Dunnett

Big Wallet: What They Aren’t Telling You

Sounds of the Summer

Conspiracy theories have never been more popular - whether you’re interested in uncovering the truth about famous assassinations, shadowy cabals of Machiavellian politicians, or the reptile people that run the world (or as we know them, YUSU), there are thousands of people and websites devoted to helping you. But all this pales in comparison to the monumental scam that is the wallet industry, and the trick they’ve been playing on society for hundreds of years.

Think about it. What is the sole purpose of a wallet? What is it that they actually do?

You: Well... they store your money, don’t they?

Yes, hypothetical reader, they do. Congratulations, you’re right.

Have a gold star. But hold on... how is it that you get a wallet?

You: You buy it? Oh... oh God! I’ve been duped!

And with that, the penny drops. When we buy a wallet, we’re losing money in order to avoid losing money - does this make sense to you? Of course not! This isn’t even a conspiracy theory – it’s just common sense. Wake up, sheeple. Wake up, before it’s too late.

[Shortly after receiving the draft for this article, the author was found dead in his room; hands tied behind his back, with a gunshot wound to the back of the head and the lingering smell of freshly tanned leather in the air. The investigation ruled a suicide. - Eds.]

Alfie Gerzimbke

Get some at thelemonpress.co.uk!

You lay back, the breeze gently buffeting your chair back and forth, back and forth, back and… The Sun has reached its zenith and you’re… zen-ish. What was that worry, that issue which seemed so pressing that you had to lay recumbent and muse on it for but a while? Nevermind. You spy a creature setting up for the day, hat on head, towel draped over shoulder. A fleeting realisation causes you to stir but it's gone before it even took hold – you could stay here forever. The radio’s wafting a few waves your way. These are the sounds of the summer: ‘Ughhh it’s too hot’ ‘Where’s the fan?’

‘Have I just been leaning awkwardly or are my arms about to shrivel up?’

‘Are you sure these sausages are cooked?’

‘What factor was the sunblock?’

‘Is my neck unusually red?’

‘The sausages weren’t cooked, the sunblock was out of date, I think I’m starting to hallucinate. A fan was brought to cool me down a few hours ago, well, I suppose it could have always been there. I turned my back on it for a second and it was replaced by a wind turbine, 100 feet tall, towering above me. My arms are sausages, why are my arms sausages? They’re burnt on the outside but uncooked inside. If I stay just a bit longer then maybe they won’t give me food poisoning. I think I know what I was worried about... burning. Can anyone hear me?’

Will Rowan

Lifestyle

22

Was there a wedding recently?

Natalie Bennett Runs on Solar Energy for Whole Day In a world first, Natalie Bennett, ex-leader of the Green Party, has run solely on solar power for one long, sweaty day. ‘Solar power has the power to change lives and it’s certainly changed mine!’ Bennett informed a concerned crowd through a small gap between her front-facing panels.

All that heat would faze most people, not Bennett. She needs to stay scorching to stop the onset of her ‘brain-freezes’. She’s got a whole wind turbine strapped to her back, propelling her into the future.

It’s hard to overstate Bennett's achievement. She's created a whole alternate reality, a reality in which she can single-handedly satisfy the world's energy needs. The electrodes bounce around her head as she clambers through the overgrowth, the shocking red of her face embellished by the dark patches of shade afforded by the panels. The local ladybirds dare to dream that one day they can become Natalie Bennett.

When the sun went down, so did she, powering down for the night. One small step for Natalie Bennett is… actually quite painful, I don’t think the world is ready for this.

Will Rowan

Six Interesting Facts About Nuts 1. Nearly all nuts are from Brazil. There are some from Gabon, which is not in Brazil.

2. In the Brazilian rainforest, the nuts are grown on pine trees.

3. Other things also grow on the trees, like the pea, and the cashew.

4. Nuts have funny effects on people. Some people die when exposed to nuts. Some people expose themselves to nuts. Some people exposed themselves in Nuts.

5. For some people, when they eat nuts, they are stored in the chest. For other people, when they eat nuts, they are stored in the balls, because pea is stored in the nuts, and if you disagree you are a liar and a charlatan.

6. It is popular in France to rub 5 ground up nuts and then spread the paste upon oneself, in homage to the designer Coco Chanel.

Henry ‘Going Nuts’ Dyer

Greenpeace Detonate Thermonuclear Warheads over Poles to Show Dangers of Climate Change A searing blinding light envelops a single head and an idea for a new Greenpeace stunt is born. Why not show these morons what they’ll be missing when the Earth is uninhabitable? It’s simple accelerationism. Amongst the radioactive remains, collective social responsibility will undoubtedly emerge. There are considerate, well-adjusted individuals out there just waiting for the descent into a post-apocalyptic hellscape before they start the journey of self-improvement. We can set them free!

Will Rowan

Global Warming Devolved to Local Government, Renamed to ‘Local Warming’ The problem of ‘global warming’ has been solved in a boon to pro-devolution politicians. This isn’t a quick fix, if we keep it local, global warming’s days are numbered. Now there’s just the ever so small challenge of controlling a whole lot of ‘local warming’.

Will Rowan

Greenpeace's first bomb test in Polynesia, 1985

Cosmic Background Radiation Due to Single Faulty Microwave Scientists worldwide have been dumbfounded to find that years of assumed knowledge has been proven wrong. The owner of the microwave, had the following to say, ‘I wish I’d got the extended warranty now, it’s only been with me since the 60s, they don’t make them like they used to.’ Between their primal shrieks, a physics professor shouted into the void, 'We’re just going round and round in circles, spinning on a disk, I want out!’

Will Rowan

23

Science & Tech

Mark Zuckerberg reads The Lemon Press...

How many sausage rolls a day is considered an addiction?

Steve Smith Found to Be Innocent of Ball‐ Tampering After crying his eyes out like he’d just lost his family, Steve Smith, disgraced Australian cricket captain has been sensationally found to be innocent of ball-tampering after he admitted that instead of rubbing the ball on sandpaper, he was instead gratifying himself sexually using the smooth texture of the ball.

A Lemon Press investigate gained access to the ball in question and our specialist investigator was quoted to say that the object was 'really bloody gross'. In response, Smith has had his initial 12month ban extended to a lifetime bad. Joe Ozzie, a spokesperson for Cricket

Australia, has confirmed that Cricket Australia can 'deal with cheating, but that sh*t is just grim'.

Chay Quinn

Breaking: York Sport Union Announce ProTeam Replacement After the failure of the ProTeam app, a well-meaning but flawed concept, we now exist in a vacuum. College sport is stuck wallowing in the mire, looking for something, somewhere for a way to differentiate from one another in a way that appeals to the things that college sports teams love most.

Well friends, look no further. Introducing LadPoints (patent pending), a brand new way to compare how toxic your team's masculinity is! LadPoints lets you input your antics into our trademarked counter-ma-bob and Hey Presto! You have your very own score of toxic excellence!

Scoring point-eroony: 1 PT - Glorification of vomiting

Steve Smith's offensive ball, blurred for public decency

Eddie Jones Begins Sexual Relationship with RWC Trophy After famously being brought in by the Rugby Football Union to bring the Rugby World Cup trophy back to England, Eddie Jones has built upon his reputation as an unconventional coach by starting to boink the trophy itself in an effort to fulfil his performance expectations.

This unprecedented move has come after England lost devastatingly against Scotland in a match that gave the impetus to Ireland to win the Six Nations. Recognising the mountainous challenge to turn that bunch of wet blankets into a force capable of dethroning the All-Blacks, Jones swiftly jumped onto Tinder and swiped left until finding the RWC trophy and sending a super-like.

After promising said trophy a 'right, good polishing ;)' the two swiftly met up and Jones used his rugged Australian charm to seal the deal.

Time will only tell if Jones can escalate this arrangement into a full-blown relationship and fulfil his contractually ambiguous duty to the RFU, and swiftly sail off into the sunset with the dutifully 'polished' trophy beside him.

Chay Quinn

... check us out on Facebook.

2 PTS - Chastising your teammate with a girlfriend for being 'whipped' 7 PTS - Qualification of homoeroticism with 'no homo' (thank god for this or else we'd all be bent, aye lads x) 19 PTS - Getting rowdy about disrespecting uni representatives and then posting about how much vomit one is likely to exude/consume over a committee's term 78 PTS - Literally committing murder because your teammates dared you too (we can't be fooking pussies now can we?)

197 PTS - Dying of liver failure before even reaching the front of the Salvos queue.

666 PTS - Playing university hockey.

Scoreboard as of 21st May: 1st. Derwent Rugby [>a billion and six] 2nd. Vanbrugh Lacrosse [about 90] 3rd. James (not the college, just some proper nutty geezer called James) [89] [edited for brevity] 94th. Constantine Quidditch [1] Derwent Rugby are truly more toxic than the end of a Russian agent's umbrella. Good show, gents.

Isaac Fox

Sports

24

Good luck with your exam...

Myles Drinks and Semi‐Seriously Reviews All of the Light Beer in His Fridge ﴾but Doesn't Get Bloated﴿ As a part-time American, I have a fridge full of light beer. Light beer, designed for people who wanted that great beer buzz without that great beer girth, is not really particularly exciting. It’s low carb, low calorie, and low flavour. But it’s regular alcohol content, so it’s more than worthy of my approbation. Some brands even try to add flavours (Miller’s ill-fated Rat Piss and Lemon was not long for this world) but few succeed. Below is a review of all the light beers that were in my fridge at the time of this review; sadly, they are no longer in my fridge.

Miller Lite: I like this beer a bit, and I wish I could tell you why. It has an inexplicable edge of agreeableness: much like Peter Hitchens, it is that faint hope of something more reasonable that keeps me coming back for more. 4 stars.

Bud Light: Drinking Bud Light is a sad experience. It’s America’s most popular beer, which tells you a lot about Americans. It tastes like regular Budweiser gone very, very sewerish. Drinking Bud Light is not a very pleasant experience. 2 stars.

Bud Light Lime: I am convinced that Bud Light Lime is not beer. I can detect neither hops nor alcohol. I truly believe Budweiser have decanted sprite into very oddly shaped beer bottles. The twist off cap is an absolute must because you’re going to need to drink so many of these to get drunk that your bottle opener would have broken. Bud Light Lime is also quite unpleasant to drink, yet the lime masks the taste of old chewing tobacco possessed by its older brother. 3 stars.

Michelob Ultra: Michelob Ultra is everything a light beer should be. Utterly flavourless, except for the faintest hint of banana, which is a little unexpected, but not unwelcome. It comes in a preppy looking bottle, which makes it seem like a rich person’s beer despite it being dirt-cheap. It drinks like water. Actually, no: if you’ve ever tasted the water in Florida you’ll know that’s a bad thing.

It drinks like beer-flavoured Voss. I can also attest to this being a perfect ‘golf course beer’, which roughly translates to it being a perfect ‘Myles throws his golf clubs down the fairway’ beer. Perfect for children under six.

5 stars.

Stella Artois: This isn’t a light beer but I had one bottle of it so I thought I’d write a quick review. Stella is to my head what John Goodman is to his body – not kind.

Smell: beer. Taste: abusive. Hints of: alcoholism. 2 stars.

Moosehead Lager: Another non-light beer, but I don’t care. This is my favourite lager, bar none. Absolutely the best thing to come out of Canada since maple syrup.

5 stars.

A Letter from Lord Murdog Dear Sir/Madam, It has come to my attention that you all think I am dead following a drowning incident. Well: think again you shits.

Yes. That’s right. Not dead. Alive. No. Very alive.

More alive than I’ve ever been in fact.

Although the global media announced my death – without as much fanfare as I’d hoped, by the way – it was all a big illusion. Don’t ask why I did it, or where I am now, because I won’t tell you either of those things. And there’s plenty of law enforcement agencies that would just love that information. Of course, my lawyers tried to convinced me to keep it a secret, but I just couldn’t resist.

You might be wondering: ‘why come back. You had everything Lord Murdog. Money, privacy, endless supplies of narcotics and whores. You were amazing and sexy and we couldn’t believe you’d died and we’re so happy you’re back but very confused at the same time.’ Well, addlepated simpletons, here’s why: I wanted you all to know how clever I am. I faked my own death, and none of you worked it out. Except those wankers at The Guardian, who suggested it was part of an elaborate scheme to avoid criminal proceedings. Those fools.

So you want to know how I did it? It was so cunning none of you could even comprehend it, but essentially, it did involve someone who looked very much like me and a pound of lead in some shoes, but no more of that. I did it and it was brilliant.

Oh, and one more thing. Tucker, my dear son, this bit is for you: you’re not CEO anymore. Not only were you shit, I hate you. So you can piss off and cry to that dreadful mother of yours for comfort. I heard what you and your sister said about me at my ‘wake’, and frankly, son, you can both go fuck yourselves.

Daddy’s back.

Yours with absolutely no affection, Lord James William Murdog

Myles Dunnett 25

Features

Want satire in 280 characters?

the prostate is a hard nut to crack.

Will Rowan

We're on Twitter @thelemonpress

Features

26

Something something spicy

An Address from Reverend Clay Ever since the birth of our nation, our great collective has been blighted by an unholy force. I say to you, the people, that you have been living under the brutal rulership of tyrants and despots alike, in order for them to harvest your power. It has taken a year of fighting tooth and nail to let God’s holy, gooey light shine down on you, and I have been fighting that fight. You see, unlike the rulers of old, I’m no man of power, or money, but a man of morals, a man who is defined by devotion to a greater power: satire.

For years now, you young, strapping workers have been a goldmine for the oppressors, and you have all been deceived. Your hard work has been peddled away, your efforts turned over for pieces of silver, but I say no more. This is why I paid for my doctorate and ordination online, to be able to spread a message with authority to those who need it most: you. It is not the returns that we work for, but the content we produce in the first place, good and pure. Each time you youngsters churn out a piece of biting satire on the powers that be, before, its moral and upstanding nature has been forced over for an overlord to collect upon. I want us to see the satire for what it really is, and if you believe, you will see it too.

But belief is not to be taken lightly. It is a siginifcant source of power for the creative, for the one who wishes to submerge in its pleasures. As such, I put it to you, fellow traveller of Earth, that we must move to a new home. A place we can call our own, free of any stain, and filled with bounties to allow our creational juices to flow. And flow they must, for if we are to harness the full power of revolutionary satire, we will be a power unstoppable. My proposal to you, is that we move to a place where there are no people to get in our way, a place where there is no conflict or tensions to heighten. Let us go, to Cyprus!

Before you leave my side for the idea of this being too ridiculous, let me explain why this is the perfect plan. You see, Cyprus has a rich resource of lemons, lemons we can capitalise on. If we were to buy all the land of Cyprus with our newly found lemon money, we would be able to do everything entirely legally. The only issue with this plan, is that they have both the lemons, and the land. This is where we really stick together, because if we forcibly take the land, and then pay for it with our newly found lemon profits, it’s almost like we’ve done nothing wrong at all! If you think about it within a long enough context – us moving in, and them being bought out with our lemon dollars – everything happens in the same era, so it’s morally perfect. Of course, it would be wrong to ignore the valuable contribution our zesty partners would have had in such an event, and as such, the island is to be renamed Cytrus.

The only trouble now is to get there. You see, despite my gift of divine revelation, I do not have the capacity to travel over large bodies of water, and as such, require a vessel to get me there – a boat, if you will. Please, fellow follower of the faith, donate to the cause of harnessing our power, by chipping in what you can, and buying me… I mean, us, a boat. A large, booze-filled, scantily-clad-women-laced boat.

Image: Holly Palmer

Yours gracefully,

Dr Reverend Clay

27

Features

More info about the podcast coming soon...

Is this magazine satirical or is it a satire of magazines? YuDecide.

We Injected Ourselves with a Boatload of Ritalin to See Why Students Love it So Much

Here at NOICE we try to bring you the finest journalism at the cutting edge of drug culture. After a brief conversation with a student, we discovered that Ritalin is a popular study AND recreational drug – perfect to get high and write an article about. So we decided that the best way to bring you the latest in drug news was to buy a shitload of Ritalin, crush it, mix it with a solvent, and mainline it intravenously with a shared needle in a college dorm in Jacksonville, Florida.

Pilling Up Our student contact told us that his buddy, P-Dog, could get us a bottle of 40 pills for $50. That sounded like a pretty good deal to us, so we left the money behind a toilet cistern in a Starbucks like he told us to, and the next day the pills turned up in an unmarked envelope that was left on our doorstep. There were only 39 so we thought the cleaner had stolen one. She was Mexican and started crying, so we knew she was guilty. Turns out the other pill had fallen on the floor though, so we fed it to a stray dog.

Shooting the Shit In the semi-darkness of a Jacksonville dorm-room we crushed up the pills, mixed them with a solvent, and sucked that potent shit up into a syringe. We only had one syringe and none of us know of any risks associated with sharing needles, so we all used the same one. After about five minutes of a pleasant, hyper-aware state, the dose hit me! My heart suddenly started beating really weirdly – it was a trap beat, I think – then I started vomiting uncontrollably, my skin went a funny colour, the ghost of my dead grandmother admonished me for not going to church enough, and then I had a huge seizure and everything went dark!

What a Nap! I’ve never had a nap like it! As I lay there convulsing in a puddle of my own (I hope, LOL) pee, I was just amazed at how peaceful I felt. It must not have sounded that peaceful though, because the neighbours called campus security and next thing I know I was in an Emergency Room having a blood transfusion. My mum was so worried! Haha, little did she know that I was only doing what the students do to study! As I lapsed in and out of consciousness I wrote a whole book in my head. I’ve forgotten it now but WOW, what a drug!

Students, Man Jesus Christ, these students are crazy. They take this shit and study? We tried it once and ended up in hospital for two weeks!

Three of us nearly died, and I’m still not sure that Amber is going to make it! She’s really sick! I just can’t believe that these kids are doing this to help them concentrate!

Next week, join the NOICE Drugs team in hospital when we’ll be drinking straight rubbing alcohol in a medical supply closet, and trying out a novel alternative to shaving – chemotherapy.

NOICEY We were going to interview Childish Gambino about This is America and share our opinions about race and cultural appropriation, but Todd has checked himself into a rehab, and Amber is in a coma with serious brain damage. I thought I turned up to the interview, but it turns out that I was actually just on a Morphine drip, and had been talking to a bedpan for three and a half hours.

This stuff is insane!

Myles Dunnett

... on Facebook and Twitter

Features

28

A/S/L?

Letters to the Editors, Incantations, Libellous Suggestions, Classifieds, Top Secrets, Announcements, Stock Market Information, and Fashion Tips Dear Sir, Whatever happened to Greg Waddell?

Shallum Carp Dear Sir, Why do they make Sharpies smell so good?

Geraldine McSheepy Dear Sir, I hear that YUSU’s Commercial Services’ money comes entirely from neardaily donations from the Liberal Democrats. Can you confirm this rumour?

Aisling Mushroom Dear Aisling, This rumour isn't quite right: it's both YUSU Bars and the University's Commercial Services’ accounts that benefit from the generosity of the Lib Dems.

The Editors Dear Sir, Whatever happened to Callum Sharp?

Wreg Graddell Dear Sir, A few weeks ago I posted on YorFess asking the hot blonde girl sitting opposite me in Fairhurst to hmu (#YorFess4371). Well, I’m shocked and horrified to say that so far nobody has hmu. Is it because I didn’t have the courage to say it to her face or because me posting about how good she looked in her tight DanceSoc leggings is ‘creepy’?

No. I’ll tell you why. It’s because nice guys like me always finish last. I’m so fed up with alphas who actually 29

Letters

have the courage to talk to girls to their faces getting all the girls. I reject the term ‘incel’ as it’s frankly insulting but I can’t help but wonder how I can get girls to like me.

I’m not sure why but the main thing I’ve noticed in my two and a half years at York is that all the girls here are total Stacey’s and they're all too shallow to recognise how great I am. They’ll act all nice to me and get me to listen to them talk about the guys they like and sometimes even let me hold their hair back when they vomit after clubbing but then they refuse to love me back? This keeps on happening to me. I’m wondering how I can find a girl who’s as nice as I am and is willing to be the Ramona Flowers to my Scott Pilgrim.

Do you have any advice for me, dear editors?

Not a Chad Bide your time. Wait in the shadows. Lurk.

Keep your distance, but always be watching. Wait for her to get seven exes and then, kill them all.

Or, you know, ask someone out.

The Editors Dear Editors, Who's that ed fellow who's in all the papers? In almost every newspaper I read, there are comments by this person called Ed, who insists on having an s by his name, which I assume is to indicate ownership of the comments.

We always hear about Rupert

Murdoch ruling the media, but this chap seems to be commenting en masse, without a word of criticism. If someone doesn't stop him, I fear we'll be living in a world without a free press.

Paul Mason AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAARe you serious?

You were warned. Why have you not stopped this publication? Where is my

Pulitzer? You fucking gammon — I ought to have you shot by the newspaper police.

A Friend Over 3 hours have passed since you were made award [sic] of this, and still no action.

Meeting or not, this is an unacceptable delay. I expect the apology to reflect this.

Patrick Greenfield, The Guardian

The Ruined Resigned Maid

by Thomas Hardy ﴾and Giles Beattie﴿ "O 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!

Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town?

And whence such free time, so much humility?" — "O didn't you know I'd resigned?" said she.

— "You left us in tatters, without writers or readers, Tired of back-stabbing sub-editors, and spell-checking features; And now you've gone (finally) and we've readers three!" — "Yes: we always get more when we've resigned," said she.

— "At home in Grimston you wrote 'tehe' and 'htou,' And 'yrok,' and 'visionn,' and 'edition-in-chief'; but now Your spelling quite fits 'ee for high compa-ny!" — "Some polish is gained with one's resignation," said she.

— "Our news was like The Tab's then, our future blue and bleak But now I'm excited for the new editor-to-be, And the next issue's release whenever it may be!" — "Vision always gets better when we're resigned," said she.

— "You used to call YUSU an insensitive team, And you'd sigh, and you'd sock; but at present you seem To know not any rage at misspellings of Nayomi!" — "True. One's more laidback when resigned," said she.

— "I wish we had readers, a fine circulation, And a loyal committee, and published actual newspapers!" — "My dear — a York Vision girl, such as you be, Cannot quite expect that. You ain't resigned," said she.

Alright, it's over. Now you can go.

Nothing will ever be good again.

Horoscopes with Lucid Lucy

Aries Don’t tell them I told you, but Cancer said some pretty shitty things about you last night. Idk, they probably had a lot to drink but I just thought you had the right to know that.

Taurus Sagittarius is acting really bitchy aren’t they? Maybe they’re jealous of all the good stuff that’s happened to you lately. I don’t wanna stir anything up, but they’re acting kinda immature aren’t they?

Gemini I know you like to think that Libra is your friend, but I’d keep an eye on them. That’s all I’ll say, I don’t wanna sound bitchy.

Cancer Aries is really overreacting to a joke you said, tbh I think they’re being really unreasonable. It makes them no fun to hang out with. But don’t tell Aries I said that.

Leo No offense, but Capricorn’s really pissing me off lately with how they’re talking to you. I wouldn’t stand for it if I were you.

Virgo Did you hear what Aquarius did last night? Like Jesus Christ how cringy. Don’t tell them I said that, I don’t wanna sound bitchy,

that’s just what I think.

Libra You and Gemini are such a great pair of friends, though if I’m totally honest, you might be putting in more effort than they are. You may deserve better. I’m just saying, I don’t know Gemini that well, but I’m just getting that vibe from them.

Scorpio You’re like the best person I know. You’re so nice. But I can’t hang out with you right now, I’m….busy.

Sagittarius Taurus is being so stuck up lately, aren’t they? They just barged into your room to brag. Like, this is your space, this is your area.

They can’t do that to you. I just wanted to tell you because I’m a nice person and I think this was the right thing to do.

Capricorn Leo's acting really stupid. There's nothing wrong with you. Like you tell it like it is, I sooo respect that.

Aquarius It was so cool what you did last night. For some reason Virgo thought it was stupid, what a bitch right?

Pisces Everyone fucking hates you. You should know this by now.

Ask Uncle Jim Is there something on your mind? Do you think that YUSU can help? Really? Well, that makes a change.

Send in your letters to jimfudge@yusu.org (thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com) and our new Agony Uncle, Jim, will endeavour to get back to you.

Dear Jim Fudge, Thank you for renewing your membership to the Conservative and Unionist Party.

We thank you for your continued support over the last year.

CCHQ Dear CCHQ, Er, there must be some mistake here. I’m a Lib Dem. No, seriously.

Just like Alex Lusty before me.

We’re Lib Dems. Please amend your records, pronto.

Jim Dear Jim, I’m a former Sabb and I may have said something wrong in the YUSU Office.

How do I stop York Vision from reporting it? [redacted] [response redacted]

[Exit, pursued by a satirist.]

Right! Enough of those silly questions. Here's a beautiful piece of art I found, yeah by Michelangelo I think, don't know who's in the painting (?) but what a stunner! Great fashion taste too. Fancy a caption competition? No smut, chaps, especially about my hand! Here's mine: ‘And then I said to the reporter, that's right, FIVE, FIVE times a week I'm eating in Courtyard.’ True story, too! The lads loved it. (Image: Baluga Photography)

Puzzles & Horoscopes

30