The Lemon Press - Issue 42 by The Lemon Press

Sir/Ma'am this is The Lemon Press.

Editors' Introduction

DON’T PANIC! We remember how it felt to be a fresher, laden down with bags, unsure of our place in the world (or even on campus). Then we found The Lemon Press, it wasn’t so much a light bulb moment as a nuclear explosion searing every neuron in our brains. Everything suddenly made sense; we were destined to write, read, and bleed satire. The world was our oyster and we were damned if we weren’t going to chew on it, bemoan it, and conduct a Q&A with the chef. However, time wears oneself down. We wouldn’t consider ourselves jaded by any means but an independent observer most deﬁnitely would. We need you, fresher. We need your optimism, your experience of lack of experience, and your knowledge of current trends. Otherwise, we’ll be left reading primers from Buzzfeed whenever the next ‘VSCO girl’ trend comes along. As you read through this issue, take note of the names which adorn every page. These satirists are future leaders, of The Lemon Press and of the country. Student media often battles over the prestige of their alumni and we’re not afraid to enter the fray. We’re proud to have alumni both working for prisons and doing time on the inside, working for LEGO and still playing with it. This could be you! Inside this issue, we try to unite a divided country through the binding power of satire. We pay respects to the late Robert Mugabe who was on the verge, we are sure, of being the next YUSU President. Alas, he was taken from us too soon. In his place we have two presidents: Harry Clay, President of The Lemon Press and con-artist extroadinaire and 'The Lemon Prez' Chris Small who has gone into exile following his second-place ﬁnish in last year’s YUSU elections. Their features tell you all you need to know about life, the university, and everything. In Lifestyle, we have lots of tips for the year’s upcoming trends, and even some insight from the biggest ‘Style Icon’ on campus himself, our very own Henry Dyer. Just a glance at our Sports section lets you know that we're practically sport-mad, driven bananas by something we don't understand. Want to join a sports team now you're at university? Just join The Lemon Press, it’s practically the same! Ultimately, we do what we do because we enjoy it. Creating weird images, reading other's contributions, and putting it all together into this issue you're holding right now. It's marvellous fun. For the last week, we’ve felt like we live in a society and now you can too; membership of The Lemon Press is only £5. It might just be the start of something beautiful. Lucy Finnighan and Will Rowan

Assume the brace position.

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sports Letters & Horoscopes

pp 3-8 pp 9 - 18 pp 19-20 pp 21-22 pp 23 pp 24-27 pp 28-29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Lucy Finnighan and Will Rowan Deputy Editors: Perkin Amalaraj and Chris Small Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editors: Alfie Gerzimbke and Charlie Cayzer News & Politics Editors: Michael Peel and Chris Small Lifestyle Editor: Jake Firestone Science & Tech Editors: Thomas Lansdale Arts Editors: Ottaline Wallace and Maia Bates Features Editors: Perkin Amalaraj and Allegra Mullan Sports Editors: Tom Willett and Alex Andrews Illustrators: Holly Palmer (Front Cover and Back Cover), Harry Clay, Henry Dyer (various), and Will Rowan (various) President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Chris Small Vice-President: Michael Peel Social Secretaries: Perkin Amalaraj and Alex Andrews Ordinary Members: Ashvini Rae, Myles Dunnett, and Henry Dyer Contributors: Oli Maddison, Greg Waddell Elections for Section Editor positions will be held soon. No prior experience is required. Send us an email if you want to join the mailing list or have any questions about joining the society. Membership can be bought through YUSU's website. Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Please note: This is a satirical magazine. Quotations and facts likely to be inaccurate. Produced 1st Oct 2019.

Contents

Nick Clegg upgraded the Hal 3000 to the Hal 9000.

A Hitchiker's Guide to the University of York This copy of The Lemon Press, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moors of Walmgate Stray; you can lie on it on the brilliant concrete-sanded benches of Greg's Place, inhaling the heady student vapers; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the deserted wasteland of Heslington East; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Ouse; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of a sabb (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it spending endless hours in Courtyard, it can't do any work); you can wave your copy in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

Campus

2001: A Student Odyssey The week had lasted now for ten million years, and the reign of the terrible STYCs had long since ended. Here on the steps, in the block which would one day be known as Eric Milner A, the battle for existence had reached a new climax of ferocity, and the victor was not yet in sight. In this barren and dessicated land, only the small or the swift or the fierce could flourish, or even hope to survive. The students were thinning out; the glare of the physics block was dimming into a pale ghost of the glory he had known—and, when he was ready, would know again. He was back, precisely where he wished to be, in the space that men called home. Students born in 2001 arriving on campus? Surely this is some sick joke. Just imagine adults who were born before China entered the WTO and whatever else happened in 2001. Pure science fiction.

Will Rowan

Want to write for us?

FlatEarther? I guess I really hardly knew er.'.

A Flat-Earther’s Guide to Your Flatmates

Flat Earth theory provides wisdom in the study of beings: celestial and human. All the members of your flat can be viewed through the prism of flat-Earthism, whether they know the truth or not. These are the nine types of flatmate you must look out for.

The Antarctica: You’re never allowed in their territory even though you’re told many international expeditions have been made there. Their cold, harsh exterior fails to deter your intrigue. What are they hiding? The image forger: I’m not suggesting that applying Snapchat filters is on a par with the routine doctoring of photos from the International Space Station but it’s a slippery slope. One second they’re making their posterior rounder, the next they’re screwing a map into a paper ball and calling it a globe. The Minecraft Youtuber: You should get to know this person better, they’re highly likely to be a well-adjusted individual and tricky to fool. Get yourself a notebook, scrawl ‘THE TRUTH’ on the cover, and note down all their wisdom within. Minecraft is one of the most realistic games in existence for one singular reason: the Earth is flat. The Australian: They’re here, aren’t they? They haven’t fallen off. Johnny Depp managed to smuggle dogs into Australia and lived to tell the tale. He also went to the ends of the flat earth in At World’s End. Checkmate. The star photographer: They may capture a lot of blurry

photos at club nights but as soon as they attempt long-duration star trail photography the blur disappears! If the Earth is really moving around the sun faster than a Ford Capri then surely it should appear smudged? The ‘go with the flow’: Wherever they go they seem to flow like a river. They spill out of their room, gush about Gandhi, and flush mountains of river deposits down the loo. However, have you ever seen them flow up the Nile to its source? I thought not. A river can only flow downhill. If the Earth was round, rivers would have to flow uphill. The globe-head: They think they know it all but they’re intellectually flat-lining. They probably even took a gap year to travel around the ‘globe’, ignore them. If you can’t ignore them easily, get them talking to the 'Australian’ and ‘go with the flow’, let them ‘expand’ their minds together while you get down to some serious study. The downer: They always pull you down, like gravity would to the water on a massive globe. Just think about it. Next time you get in the bath or shower, get a basketball, dip it in and try to spin it very quickly without any water flying off. It’s simple science. The ‘scientist’: What a joker, you can’t trust them. They’re all lying, conniving charlatans. Just wait until enough Minecraft YouTubers can vote, just you wait! Will Rowan

How to Reinvent Yourself at University As the Loser You Are

Welcome to university. It's a fresh start, a clean sheet, a blank canvas for your personality. Your primary school bullies can't get you any more, nobody else knows about that time you shat yourself in the GCSE French exam, and the Embarrassing Sixth Form Incident is behind you. At York, you can become the cool guy, the popular girl, a well-rounded and well-liked person.

There is hope, however. A shining light of a better future. It's called The Lemon Press, where losers are welcome. Honestly, it's not just so we feel better about ourselves. [It is - Eds.] Henry Dyer (very cool guy with lots of friends, not a loser, honest)

But here's the thing. Nobody's actually liked you since primary school, and even then Susie was just doing it to tease you. You had school friends you hung out with, but they've not messaged you since the ﬁnal day of school, because deep down, they hung out with you to feel better about themselves. Surely, however, you can overcome all of this. The fresh sheet, the clean star- no. You are, fundamentally, a loser. A dork, a churl, and a dolt. A Lib Dem. A 'Henry no-mates' (this is the normal term, right?). Reinvent away, change your name, listen to grunge, metal, or Scandinavian electronica, none of it will make a difference. You are a loser, and ever shall be.

We want you to.

Campus

FBPE: follow back, pro eSports.

How to Make Friends on Your First Week of Freshers!

University, especially the ﬁrst week, can seem daunting to freshers. Even though you’re now surrounded by people, it can be hard to make new friends. But there are lots of opportunities to meet people!

At Nisa: Grocery shopping is a great chance for group outings, and you can get bargains by bulk buying for the whole house! All of the same products… you’ve bought all of the products they have… so you can be just like them…

During lectures: Want to make a friend? Simply turn to the person next to you! Make lectures less boring and strike up a conversation. If you’re doing the same course, you must have something in common!

In the laundry room: Doing laundry is never fun, so try and chat with the other people there to pass the time! You can also steal their underwear while you’re at it.

At societies: If you’re having trouble making friends on your course, join one of York’s societies and make friends while doing something you enjoy! With so many societies here in York, there has to be someone who’ll like you! God I hope so. During exams: Who knows, you might have an exam on your ﬁrst week (bitch, I don’t know what goes on in your degree) and there’s nothing like misery to bring everyone together. Join study groups, or just cheat off the person next to you, I promise they’ll ﬁnd it cute and endearing! At the library: Where you can purposefully — I mean accidentally bump into them and ask if they want to study with you. They can’t say no, or that’d be rude!

Using cookies: Food is always a great ice breaker, and if you slip some drugs in them, your new friend is more willing to spend time with you! They’ll just be unconscious. In your dorm room: You can ﬁnd new friends right in your own room! Just walk right on in and have a chat, with the person you’re keeping locked in your wardrobe. If only they’d behave. Maybe this friend isn’t so great. In a ditch: Burying a body is a great bonding activity! That passer-by has to help you now…or else. Prison: Sure, this isn’t university, but there’s still plenty of new people to make friends with! Lucy Finnighan

On campus: Even walking about on campus, you can get to know some really cute people! Just make sure you follow them wherever they go!

How to Spot #DeepfakeFreshers Last year, we reported on the scourge of fake freshers. Now, we’re faced by an even greater threat: deepfake freshers. Deepfake freshers are videos of students that have been altered, making them appear to do or say things they have not done or said, with the intent to manipulate freshers. The following tips will ensure you don’t fall foul of this latest assault on the truth: They call themselves a sabb: Sabbs are very important people, do you really think they would be spending their days eating at Courtyard or attending banal meetings? No, these videos are clearly edited to give the false impression that sabbs aren’t the omnipotent beings we know them to be. Do not trust your eyes.

still in its infancy. Unsurprisingly, there are several words and phrases which enable one to spot a deepfake fresher. In particular, ‘I spend all my time promoting usury’ is often repeated by a deepfake as ‘I spend all my time promoting YUSU’. If you hear the latter, you will now know they meant to say the former and are a prime example of computational propaganda. Avoid at all costs. If you are in any doubt as to the authenticity of a video, leather jacket, or this article then feel free to get in touch. Will Rowan

A Heartbreaking Advert

They wear a very specific leather jacket: Like Nicholas Cage, the leather jacket is an asset included in the deepfakes 101 toolbox alongside the default audio, ‘I used to edit Nouse, you know.’ Anyone who appears to wear it is likely to be an apparition, a ﬁgment of someone else’s imagination. They are to be avoided on campus, now more than ever. They fail to pronounce ‘usury’ properly: The technology is 5

Campus

Ernest Hemingway?

Want to draw for us?

Coming soon to a disciplinary hearing near you.

YUSU Search Engine Released

Business as Usual, the STUDENT Way

Following the success of the YUSU app, a large investment has been made to create a proprietary search engine suitable for the needs of York students. It uses the latest advances in natural language processing to answer every single question with ‘we are listening to your concerns’. Concerns have been raised over censorship as one student found when they asked, ‘what could The Lemon Press not talk about in issue 36?’. Suddenly, their system’s ram usage spiked, it attempted a forced reboot, and ﬁnally their whole accommodation block suffered a crippling power outage.

It has been conﬁrmed that incoming YUSU president, Samara Jones, intends to carry out her duties in the role in keeping with her election slogan, 'the STUDENT way'. The Lemon Press understands that this sentiment will be taken to mean that Ms. Jones' manifesto commitments will be enacted at the last possible minute, and completed to a sub-par standard. It is understood that YUSU staff are anticipating little by way of change to the manner in which they currently operate, but are nonetheless conﬁdent that Ms. Jones' vision for a 'better York' will be achieved. Perhaps expect an extra couple of lines in YUSU's weekly email that nobody reads. Oli Maddison

The most common questions asked so far have been ‘who chose the website colour scheme?’, ‘why does my room cost so much?’, and ‘where is the STUDENT way?’. Their website left us on a never-ending loading screen, the YUSU logo spinning round and round and round. YUSU Search leaves one with more questions than answers.

Supreme Court Verdict on York Vision

Will Rowan

Henry Dyer

Top 10 Outfits to Wear in Freshers’ Week and What They Say About You Viking Raid t-shirt: You LOVE the sesh. Like, you’re mad for it. You even went to, like, six bars in a row that one time. Hey guys, remember that time when we all went to Stones then Flares and then Society? Yes, of course we do, you’re still wearing the tshirt.

reject you from tryouts.

Your sixth form leavers’ hoodie: It’s comfy, familiar and, let’s face it, a sure sign that you peaked in Year 13. You can even wear it when you Skype your long distance boyfriend from high school. Yeah, because that’ll work.

A Che Guevara top: You’re not a communist, you’re a socialist. There’s a difference. And you’re deﬁnitely going to mansplain to all the women in your Political Theory seminar about it.

A suit: You study business. You want to, no, need to show your dominance. You give everything 110%, including your wardrobe. It’s a dog eat dog world. You never get a second chance to make a ﬁrst impression so you need to be suited and booted at all times. At. All. Times. Harem pants: You went on your gap yah to Thailand/India/ Africa and you saw some endangered animals/orphans/starving locals. You totally found yourself and you’ve got the #gapyear photos to prove it. Society merch: Derwent Rugby ‘til I fucking die. Or until they

We really want you to.

Yoga pants and a cute t: You’re all about #wellness and #goals! You do yoga! You’re ﬂexitarian! You drink Huel! Shame you can’t get supplements for your personality.

Dungarees: You’re, like, so quirky. And you give exactly zero fucks. You also just ﬁnished watching Fleabag and you need to make sure everyone knows. But, again, zero fucks. Like, none. A slogan t-shirt: You’re a fun guy! You have a great sense of humour! Obviously you do, otherwise you couldn’t pull off this wacky t-shirt! Why don’t girls like you? It’s a mystery! Beret and a breton top: You watched the ﬁrst half of Amelie in your French class and now you’re waiting for your year abroad because you know it’ll totally broaden your horizons and show you new ways of living. Joke’s on you, we voted Leave. Ashvini Rae

Campus

Divorce rates rise when empty nest syndrome sets in for your parents.

Why The Yorker is York’s–No, THE WORLD’S–Premier Publication

In remembrance of a former editor of The Yorker, who wanted The Yorker to be mentioned so very much.

For those of you not in the know, I’ll let you in on a secret: journalism has nothing to do with news. It is easy to be deceived into thinking that it is, what with the constant outpouring of news articles and opinion pieces and tweets and videos from thousands of publications globally. If you’ve ever met a journalist, though, the romantic ideal that journalists are nobly striving to bring that which is hidden into the light will quickly be dispelled. From broadsheets to wank rags, The New Yorker to the National Enquirer, journalists are after one thing, and one thing only: popularity. Every article, every tweet, every opinion piece, every atom of their living bodies, scream: like me, notice me, validate my existence in this soulless corporate media-industrial complex. If, in the pursuit of popularity, prestige, and followers, a journalist should, by chance or accident, stumble upon a story of some value, it may seem to be an act of honourable self-sacrifice, a gesture of public service, a work of selfless altruism. But it isn’t. Be assured that they were just doing it to earn another follower to read their inane and ultimately futile and meaningless tweets about Trump or thermos flasks or their amazing new job as editor of whogivesafuck.co.fuckoffanddie

The Munich Beer Hall Putsch: The White Shirt Social That Went Too Far

There is hope, however, in the rancid, fetid, putrid media landscape. And that hope comes in the form of an independent, York-based, student media publication: The Yorker. Like a beacon of light in a world of darkness, like a chalice of water in a desert ﬁlled with ovens and space heaters, like the voice of God in a chorus of eight year olds learning the violin, The Yorker shines bright. The Yorker doesn’t care about popularity. Hate it, in fact. They don’t care if anyone reads their articles, reacts to their Facebook posts, picks up their print edition, or follows them on Twitter. All they care about is existence, and the occasional dissemination of vaguely relevant news articles. The journalists at The Yorker do not court admiration or applause, congratulations or fans – they are a publication for the sake of being a publication, a selfsustaining organism, an insular Valhalla in an Asgard of civil unrest. They are a secret society of ethical journalism, a tiny cabal consisting of the only true journalists on a planet of posers and performers acting out a badly written stage adaptation of real journalism. The Yorker is the dew on a spring morning, the gentle touch of a dying wet nurse, the scent of a smouldering Messerschmitt, the ﬁrst downy growth on the upper lip of a mediterranean baby; The Yorker is the voice of God, the song of Heaven, the angelic choir raised loud above the sinful earthly din. Myles Dunnett

Justin Trudeau Visits Campus

New analysis of the brown shirts worn by nazi storm troopers at the Munich Putsch in 1923 has revealed that their shirts were originally white, and that an exceptional amount of brown marker pen was used to create their uniforms. The 1923 bar crawl, which like many university bar crawls, skipped all the bars in the middle and went straight to the end, started off as an innocent night out with Hitler and his 2,000 mates/paramilitary thugs, but as it went out of control, and before anyone could stop it, what had originally been 2,000 people in white shirts had quickly become 2,000 people wearing nazi insignia. This lack of discretion put the social on a level where York Vision did not have to even publish photos of the event before the police got involved. The social ended with those involved being arrested, put on trial, imprisoned, and the story being sold to the tabloids. Note: This article is not a suggestion for the hockey team to go on tour in Munich. Note II : This article is also not a suggestion for the chair to use the phrase ‘beer hall nazis’ at the next YUSU election debate. Chris Small

Campus

I'm glad to put all the controversy behind me

Like our Facebook page.

A juul pod a day keeps the friends away.

Places to Eat During Freshers' Week: A Review

During freshers' week, it is often the ﬁrst time that people are not having their meals cooked for them by their parents. So where/what should you eat? We at The Lemon Press hired a food critic to scour out and review the most well-known food in the area. While they seemed a little sketchy, they assured us that they were the best in the business. Here is what they had to say: Your own cooking: Get up you nitwit and cook something. You whined to your parents that you are an independent person, so act like an adult and feed yourself. You will really try in the beginning. And yes, the food tastes like garbage, but you have no one to blame but yourself. At least it looks nice in the bins outside, 3/5 stars.

Your friends’ cooking: During the ﬁrst few weeks of the year, your new housemate will attempt to buy your love through food. They needn’t have bothered. Their Sunday roast isn’t nearly as good as they like to think. They are calling themselves ‘such a good cook; I’m like, just like my mum.’ Then their mother is a fool. It’s disgusting. They’re disgusting. 2/5 stars. Efes: If you’re interested in food poisoning, Efes is the place for

YuDecide: Which Should be YUSU's Next Logo?

you. And the pizza isn’t even good enough to justify it. I’ll give them 1/5 stars. The one star is for the chance to laugh at your housemates when they suffer food poisoning. Domino’s: While Domino’s Pizza is better than Efes (but only slightly) it is a lot pricier. A good way to get a discount is to travel to every freshers' fair in the country, to snatch up those free slices. Sure, you’ve spent your entire student loan on travel fees, but it’s worth it. 3.5/5 stars. Your rich friend’s room: Each house has one. That housemate who has a spare MacBook ‘to watch Netflix on’. No doubt they have some great first-class (literally) snacks on their shelves, and eating them tastes even better with the thrill of scoffing it while your housemate is at a lecture. They’re probably a Tory anyway, so don’t feel guilty. 4/5 stars. The bins outside: Delicious. Outstanding. A game-changer. Aweinspiring. Terrific. A movement. A revolution. 1000/5 stars. We now realise that this food critic may be a racoon. Lucy Finnighan

Respects Paid at Grave of Our Endorsed Candidate for YUSU President

Following the redesign of the YUSU website, students have been given the power to decide YUSU's next logo. Each proposed logo has been submitted from one of York's talented on-campus artists. So far, they have whittled the selection down to a ﬁnal two. You now have the power to decide. Which one do you choose?

Will Rowan

We'll love it if you do.

Harry Clay

Campus

'God, Lord Pannick is a fuckable little twink' former editor.

GOVERNMENTS OF

Independent Non Aligned Anti Factionalists:

If it's unity you want, it'll be unity you get with this lot. Fewer opinions than a YUSU President, and about as equally important. In fact, rumour has it that old hand Jim Fudge is working behind the scenes to crack up the numbers, crank down the policies, and crank one out in the ofﬁce loos. They're solidly against Brexit, so they've got that going for them, but other policies? Err, well, that might upset some people.

The Scargill-Benn Liverpool City Council Memorial Government:

Arthy Scarnn

They're against the poll tax, they're for the miners, they certainly won't say anything questionable about the Israel-Palestine issue, and they don't wait for silly things like elections to convince them to strike. Devout to the cause of socialism, they'll ﬁnd unity amongst Bevanites, Gaitskellites, Bennites, Owenites, Corbynites, Trotskyites, Blairites, Leninists, Brownists, Marxists, New Labour, Old Labour, Open Labour, Closed Labour and the New Party. Wait, what do you mean Scargill isn't dead?

Could you lead the country?

Should war break out, this government will hold our country together. They'll be defending the free world from the scurge of humanity, or trying to at least. Reintroducing conscription, a return to food coupons, and expanding NATO are all top priorities. The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal however, from a leaked document entitled operation YellowBarbarossa that there are ongoing plans to try and invade Russia.

Supreme Allied Command:

Politicasaurus:

TLP39 Forewarning

Prime Minister: Ghost of Ramsay MacDonald. Chancellor of the Exchequer: Karl Marx Minister for Human Capital: Len McCluskey Slogan: Glory to Corbyn! Glory to Heroes!

Prime Minister: Dwight D. Eisenhower Chancellor of the Exchequer: The Robert E. Lee War Fund Spartan General: Bernard Montgomery Slogan: Do it again

SKRAWWWW

WE WARNED YOU THEY WERE COMING. NO MATTER HOW YOU VOTED, THE SPACE RAPTORS ARE READY TO TAKE OVER. With hot policies like the abolition of natural history museums, emptying the skies of planes, and war with ARGRA'TH THE ALMIGHTY, they're guaranteed to sweep the intergalactic reptile vote. the Space Raptors are looking to make a pact with the Pterodactyl faction, lads all over will be rejoicing. [Stop making these brilliant in-jokes - Eds.]

Zimbabwe African National Union – Patriotic Front

©Sherwood2006 ‐ Edited

Prime Minister: Mike Gapes Chancellor of the Exchequer: A lighter, brighter, George Osborne Senior Non Policy Adviser: Nick Clegg and his many Zucc Bucks Slogan: Viva La Status Quo!

There's only one man who can really bring unity to our torn and fractured nation. There's only one man with the spirit, the courage, and the thick rubbery jowls to lead us into a brighter world. Self described as 'Hitler ten-fold', Robert Mugabe has the will, the charisma, and the military force backing him to take Britain by the balls and drag us into his particularly estranged world. Turn back to page 8 for our heartfelt tribute to our spiritual overlord.

Prime Minister: Leadersaurus Chancellor of the Exchequer: Pterodactyl Lad Minister for Scaley Affairs: Cieran Douglass Slogan: SKRAWWWWWWW

Prime Minister: Robert Mugabe Chancellor of the Exchequer: Robert Mugabe Robert Mugabe: Robert Mugabe Slogan: Robert Mugabe

Harry Clay

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK 9

News & Politics

We've been on Twitter for 10 years...

Samara Jones in controversy over proroguing YUSU.

Who's Joining the Lib Dems Next?

Our Nation, Our Henry Bolton

Last issue, we asked an important question: who is in the Lib Dems? Our team were struggling to name anyone who wasn't already buried six feet under, not really that liberal on LGBT issues, or working for Facebook. However, we're now treated with a constant drip-feed of MPs lining up to join the ideological wasteland of radical centrism.

Henry Bolton is a poltical chameleon: morphing from a WW2 veteran to a leaﬂeter and now he's probably eyeing up the next series of 'Britain's Got Talent' for his next big break. Unfortunately, for Bolton, his party, Our Nation, is in a very similar state as our nation: frankly abysmal. It's nearly as bad as when I tried to create my own chameleon by daubing a rat in psychedelic paint. Like Our Nation, it was doomed to fail.

The following are the most likely future defectors: Jared O'Mara: After failing to be an effective representative as a Labour MP and now as an independent, O'Mara is hoping to take his Shefﬁeld Hallam seat back for the Lib Dems from the useless idiot who got voted in last time — himself. Martin James Monti: Monti is an experienced defector, having defected from the USA Air Force to join the Axis forces. His years of work as a propagandist for the SS will leave him well prepared to ensure the Lib Dem's pro-remain message is heard by the people (on Twitter). He was sentenced to 25 years in jail for treason which will let him take the heat off other no-deal opponents who the far-right like to call 'traitors'. Like most good Lib Dems, he too died long ago. The Michelin Man: The Michelin Man, or 'mad dog' Mitch as I like to call him, is deeply troubled by the implications of a nodeal Brexit for the motor industry. It's not a large leap to assume he'd be eager to enter the political fray and get his pristine white shirt dirty, if needs be.

Britain does have talent, its just lacking at talent shows and within ex-UKIP leaders. Bolton's party has failed. It's website isn't on the ﬁrst page of Google when using the search term 'Our Nation'. Their Twitter account is retweeting Boris Johnson and clips of Bolton being interviewed on Russia Today. I'm struggling to ﬁnd anyone in the party apart from his girlfriend, Jo Marney. So, what's next for Bolton? I have a few suggestions. Take some time off, Bolton. Take a breather like John Bolton. Take a trip to Bolton and never come back. Set up a beachside business called Bolton's Beach Huts. Become an eSports coach. Take your place in the history books as the youngest WW2 veteran alive. Start a gift shop that only sells Brexit memorabillia that's made in China. Whatever you do, please do it out of the public eye, I don't think our nation can take much more. Will Rowan

Nadia Comăneci: The world-reknowned gymnast knows what it's like to be denied freedom of movement. In the 1980s, she wasn't allowed to travel out of Romania due to fears of her defecting to the USA. Now Labour MPs fear she may defect to the Lib Dems. Philip Lee could learn a thing or two from Comăneci on how to cross the ﬂoor — with a double-twist dismount onto the opposition benches. Dominic Cummings: A self-taught, self-made, self-believing genius, Cummings becoming a Lib Dem MP could be a surprising boon and becomes more likely by the day as the party lowers its standards for taking the whip. Cummings could corrupt the party from within, destroy the pro-remain front, and the Lib Dems would have someone else to warm the benches. Win-win! War Horse: When they're not being bludgeoned to death by wind turbines, they supposedly enjoy being whipped. Why should a Lib Dem whip be anything but pleasurable? This particular horse is a WW1 veteran which is bound to bring the much-needed boomer demographic to the Lib Dems. Will Rowan Henry Dyer

....@thelemonpress. Follow us.

News & Politics

Yes, UKIP's new leader is called Dick Braine.

OPINION: CAN A WEEK WHERE BREXIT LOOKS IN SHAMBLES, THE TORIES LOST THEIR MAJORITY, AND I SHOT MY WIFE GET ANY WORSE?

If it was a movie, critics would call it far fetched. If your child was telling you about it after school, you’d think him a liar. If only she had kept her stupid mouth shut, she’d still be breathing. And yet here we are, another turbulent week of Westminster politics so brutally drawn out over live television. And things only look downhill from here.

Yes, Boris Johnson and I are in a similar situation of sorts. He has the unenviable task of ﬁnding a way out of a hopeless situation, left with the prospect of jail should he fail to secure an extension to negotiations he’d rather see terminated. Meanwhile I could face jail should I fail to secure the shallow grave I hastily threw together under the area my wife and I had planned to build an extension, which in this economic climate is just ridiculous because what did she honestly think was going to happen? We were suddenly going to start inviting people round for martinis and dinner parties despite the last time where she kept saying I’d never make it to The Guardian no matter how many lofty opinion pieces I write? The stupid bitch.

So now I find myself in the same shoes as Boris. Both of us left with time ticking away to an inevitable breaking point. For him, he either stays the course, lets Brexit happen on the 31st of October regardless if he goes to jail, and leads an empty hollow cabinet to future failure. For me, I start packing my bags, laying the groundwork for a gas explosion to destroy the house, flee to Malaga (which hopefully they can’t extradite me from) and explain via long distance correspondence with investigating officers how the explosion caused my pistol to rupture sending seven bullets into my wife’s face and neck and then drove her into a hole underground and covered that hole and pissed on the hole and called the hole a useless cu- Yes, who is it? Police? I’ll be right down. What? I didn’t hear a clicking. Officer, you’re mistaken if you YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPER I WILL DIE A EUROPEAN I WILL DIE A EUROPEAN I WILL DIE A EUROPEAN I WILL DIE A EUROPEAN I WILL DIE A EUR Greg Waddell

On top of this, after losing Phillip Lee in a dramatic crossing of the ﬂoor, Boris thought he could play it safe by axing the whip of a further 21 MPs. That should have been an end to it, but as Amber Rudd’s shocking 11th hour resignation shows, chaos and disorder are still widespread within the cabinet. And to put this into context, this is just the cabinet. Not the whole party, which is bound to have dissident voices and debate throughout, but the cabinet. I liked that cabinet. And now, now it’s got a great big bloody hole in it. Bloody both in terms of 'bloody this' or 'bloody that', and in terms of actually bloody because my wife couldn’t even die right. She should have quit while she was ahead; I’m used to being called a failure every night before bed like a little ritual; but this time? Too far, she thought she could keep it going to get a rise out of me well she got a rise out of me and now she’s gone. So the question on everybody’s lips, minus my dead cold bitch of a corpse wife, is 'what now?'. Well, there are several options. For Brexit there is some, I don’t know, stuff. For me, I could go to the police. If I turn myself in they could go easier on me in court, and I’d only be looking at 15-20 years, less with good behaviour. I could even argue emotional distress due to all this Brexit stuff. But at the same time, I’ve already buried her. And I stabbed her cat to death with a sharpened TV remote. Not to mention what I did with her eyes... turning myself in is not the best idea. I could always negotiate, but if Boris has taught me anything, I’d be better off dead in a ditch. Democracy dies in bullet wounds?

Campus

Will Rowan

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Brexit means whatever you like, apparently.

Many promises were made during the referendum campaign from people with competing visions of a post-Brexit Britain. Two figures stand tall: Boris Johnson and Pascal Sauvage. Both were heavily featured on Vote Leave posters and on voter's minds when at the ballot box. Now I will forensically examine their promises, comparing them with the situation we find ourselves in at present to see who ultimately won this great battle of ideas. Proroguing Parliament: I'm not sure if Johnson once planned to use a fake archbishop to deliver Brexit but he's certainly on Plan B by now. That plan, cooked up with the mastermind Cummings, included his visit to Her Majesty when he advised her to prorogue parliament for five weeks. Cummings must have seen this coming, right? Meanwhile, Sauvage is still scheming from his prison cell on how to take back control of the crown jewels and change the rules of succession. If Johnson continues his war on the judiciary, he may be joining Sauvage there. It's all to play for. Forcing the Queen to abdicate: Sauvage had one of his accomplices hold one of the Queen's corgis at gunpoint to force her to leave the throne. Johnson lied to the queen, giving her advice to take an unlawful decision. Both Sauvage and Johnson tried to make themselves King but were stopped by Johnny English and the Supreme Court respectively. It's a tie here.

Tories to Replace 21 Deselected MPs with Robert Mugabe The head of the galaxy brains trust at Number 10, Downing Street, Dominic Cummings, has announced that all 21 of the MPs who had the whip withdrawn from them will be replaced by Robert Mugabe. Cummings described Mugabe as a politician with a track record of securing independence, and denied that the small matters of being dead, and only being one person would not stop Mugabe winning, claiming that normal electoral rules do not apply to him. Sources at Conservative Party HQ are currently denying that Mugabe died of food poisoning from some poorly cooked chicken. Chris Small

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An Early General Election: A majority of MPs have refused to back Johnson's calls for an early election before the 31st of October. No, it turns out this country can't stand in a line and do what it's told for one miserable day. You win this one, Pascal. Reduced Sovereignty: Pascal Sauvage, the man behind the EU machine, promised that the British Crown would be back where it belongs: with him (and the EU). Johnson promised that Brexit would give us so much sovereignty that it would be rendered worthless, the whole country being deluged with the excess supply. No solution can be found to the 'problem' of the Northern Ireland backstop which makes a customs union without a 'seat at the table' likely. This would leave us with reduced selfdetermination as Sauvage promised all along. Sauvage wins! Commercial Failure: Johnny English's box office was well below expectations yet we've seen two further films hit cinemas. Despite stalling GDP growth and threats of severe job losses in the event of no-deal, Johnson continues on. Will he be renewed for another season if you have to be a punch-out artist to fight for a loaf of bread? Probably not. Three years on and Sauvage has won. It was all on that big red bus. Will Rowan

Boris Johnson vs Pascal Sauvage: Parliamentary Sovereignty

‘The moment I am crowned king, I will turn England into the largest prison... in the history of the world.’

'There will be ample time in parliament for MPs to debate.'

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Maybe the real Turning Point was the friends we made along the way.

Inside the Turning Point UK Activist Kit

Turning Point UK (TPUK), like chlorinated chicken, is an unwelcome import from the USA. Seeking new lands to wage the ‘culture war’, they have come to the UK, bringing all their considerable baggage with them. I took a look inside their new ‘activism kit’ to ﬁnd out how their activists are being prepared for a world where conservatives are apparently marginalised on campus, as well as in government. Here’s what I found: A face expansion kit: Have the liberals been gradually siphoning off your facial features as well as your hard-earned savings? Don’t worry, the face expansion kit will help your face ﬁt in on campus.

100 Brain Force pills: Turning Point activists need all the brain power they can get. However, these brain enhancing pills have been shown to gradually increase the size of your cranium — requiring frequent use of the face expansion kit as a counterbalance. Too little and you’re Charlie Kirk, too much and your eyes fly off your face as your head explodes. A ‘debate me’ buzzer: Whenever you interact with someone you disagree with, the ‘debate me’ buzzer works wonders. Just one press is all it takes to reveal their hypocrisy. They decline to debate someone they either don’t know or do know and don't like? They’re running scared. A loaded handgun: It’s vital that we protect our second amendment rights! What!? They don’t want guns in the UK? But, but, but... Grand Seiko Snowflake Spring Drive Titanium Watch: Show them who’s the real snowflake by sporting this classy £5,400 timepiece. I’m unsure how they have this much money to spend but let’s not ask too many questions. Toilet water from a US migrant detention facility: Steve King drank water from a toilet. Joey Salads drank his own piss. The liberals are running scared. Drink up, this is how we fight back.

getting paid except me? Was this all worth it for the Twitter followers? Resist, resist, ignorance is bliss. A camera from 2007 and Windows Movie Maker: All activists should aspire to reach the fame and glory of becoming a TPUK ‘personality’. If you talk like a self-conscious year 9 student giving a presentation about Henry VIII then you stand a chance of making it big on the YouTube channel. The American flag: They paid for all this, show some respect. Will Rowan

New Cluedo Sets to Include Facts and Logic as New Weapon Candlestick. Dagger. Lead pipe. Revolver. Rope. Spanner. No, these aren’t The Lemon Press’ Tang Hall Essentials. These are or, at least, were Cluedo weapons. But now they will be joined by a new and absolutely deadly weapon: Facts and Logic. Having been used in previous real life crimes and the OWNING of several hundreds of liberals, Facts and Logic are thought to be the deadliest weapon in the Cluedo set. In a recent statement, Mumsnet has bemoaned the change, arguing that 'the adding of Facts and Logic has turned a family friendly game into a violent and dangerous one' with one user writing that they will, instead, be playing Call of Duty as a family. However, some have praised the controversial - perhaps even brave - move. In an exclusive statement, Ben Shapiro said, 'It’s brilliant that players can now OWN liberal snowﬂakes like Dr Black and absolutely DESTROY them with Facts and Logic. In fact, my data shows that 100% of people agree. And if people don’t agree, they’re cucks.' Well, consider us all owned. Ashvini Rae

A ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ Doormat: Want to stop socialists appearing at your door? Just put this handy doormat outside and you’ll be astonished by how few people ever visit you. Fight Club on DVD: I’m not sure how this snuck in but it’s a classic to some. The alt-right, who TPUK are really, deﬁnitely, certainly against love it. Supposedly Richard Spencer is very much like Tyler Durden except he doesn’t like being hit in the face. Three tin foil hats: Don’t fall for their mind tricks, wear all three at once for maximum protection. You may at times question your own motives. How did I get here? Is everyone else 13

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Scientists reveal Dominic Cummings has the highest brainbody ratio ever.

Dominic Cummings Facts Renowned universe brain Dominic Cummings is currently playing the country like a blind man plays an accordion, but how much do you actually know about the uber genius political savant? Here are some rapid facts about the President of Her Majesty’s Government’s Brains Trust.

1. To begin with, Dominic Cummings is a time-travelling sovereignty daddy, and in his various disguises has influenced every government the world has ever seen, sometimes using mind waves over great temporal distances, sometimes using his brain time machine and kicking historical figures in the testes (he also knows medical terms). 2. Dominic Cummings is trained in all martial arts, both physical and mental, and has the highest level of belt in Karate which he wears at all times: the see-through belt. 3. Nicknames: Daddiavelli; Control; the HiveMind; 8th Gear; Sir (to the Prime Minister and other world leaders). 4. Dominic Cummings once thought the Big Bang into existence when he was watching Blue Planet. 5. God has a bank account with Dominic Cummings. 6. Dominic Cummings stores all of his brains in the infinite space beyond the observable universe.

Henry Dyer

Local Watchman Vindicated as Pack of Wolves Wipe Out Villagers A watchman has been vindicated after a large pack of wolves stormed the village of Aesopia, killing everyone else.

7. The stars in the sky are the twinkle in Dominic Cummings eyes on a cold November morning in Whitehall.

The watchman, who has held the post since his youth, told reporters that he had seen the pack approaching from his vantage point and had run into the village square, crying 'wolf' precisely 36 times.

8. The event horizon of a black hole is where Dominic Cummings stores the names of all who have wronged him, as no human computer has that much storage space.

The villagers are understood to have ignored the watchman, who believes that they thought he was simply playing a very old childish trick upon them.

9. Dominic Cummings lives in a house built out of copies of The Prince, and his living room sofa is covered with Sajid Javid’s skin and stuffed with copies of Atlas Shrugged.

Shortly afterwards, 36 feral wolves rushed in, eviscerating the villagers, tearing them limb from limb, as the watchman took cover up a tree surrounded by a ring of ﬁre.

10. Every time a journalist asks Dominic Cummings a question he uses his pulsar mind waves to make them infertile.

A formal investigation by the Watchmen Association is expected to consider complaints by relatives over why the watchman did not simply cry 'a pack of 36 wolves is coming', but a source close to the investigation revealed that it is standard watchman practice to simply repeat the inbound threat ad nauseam. Henry Dyer

Prepare your eyes.

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Dad joke: his happiness with your mother.

Royalists Boycott Royalty-Free Images

We Read from Holy Scripture (Norwich Cathedral Bible) FIRST READING: THE HELTER SKELTER OF BABEL (GENESIS 11:1-5) Ye, and at that time, a Canon of Babel didst got unto Rome, and visit the Sistine Chapel, and he was astounded by the beauty of its ceiling, and didst covet the beauty of his own cathedral’s ceiling. And he didst return, and didst say to the Dean, 'Go, Dean, let us build us a tower in the nave, such that the top may reach unto heaven, or at the very least unto our rather nice ceiling and medieval bosses.' The Dean didst say to the Canon, 'But Canon, how shall man descend after climbing to the top and seeing the roof?' And the Canon didst reply, 'We shall build a slide on the tower, such that one may descend to the earth, as our LORD didst in CHRIST. And truly, we shall preach from the tower.' And the LORD said, 'First the Crazy Golf, now the Helter Skelter, why doth my people vex me so? Nothing is restrained unto them, which they have imagined to do.' SECOND READING: SATAN TEMPTS JESUS (MATTHEW 4:57) Then the devil took Jesus up into the holy city of Norwich and set Him upon the Helter Skelter of the Temple, and showed him the medieval bosses upon the ceiling. The devil said to Him, 'If you are the Son of God, slide Yourself down the Helter Skelter! For it is written: "To me belongs vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time’, and ‘In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone, for the Deanery hath done a Health and Safety check"' Jesus said to him, 'It is written again in the book of Psalms, "I have trusted also in the Lord; therefore I shall not slide"'. Henry Dyer

A hardcore fringe group of royalists have sought to exert their inﬂuence by boycotting any image that doesn’t contain a member of the Royal Family. Recent front pages surrounding Prince Andrew’s links to Epstein have spurred them to take action, believing their favourite billionaire family to be under siege. Getty Images’ stock photo sales have already plummeted. I spoke to a woman daubed in Union Jacks who was visibly disgusted by the ‘Diana did nothing wrong’ text splayed across my chest. She said, ‘Royalty free images are a republican plot to topple our monarch. It’s 2019 and yet we still have such media bias against the royals, an image being royalty-free is not an advantage! Prince Andrew...’ Our conversation was cut off as an angry mob descended upon a man unfortunate enough to have a Shutterstock watermark showing on his phone wallpaper. A photographer had his camera smashed and legs broken as he tried to capture the brawl. Will Rowan

There’s A Word That I Can’t Stop Thinking About, I Hate It, And I Think I Made It Up

For the past month or so a solitary word has been rattling around in my head. Time and again I have tried to apprehend it in order to attain its provenance as it continues its routine trips across my frontal lobe, but my attempts have proved futile. Like Hitler’s forces marching into the Rhineland, it is on the start of a very long and pernicious journey to systematically eliminate all other words in my head. The word, for those of you bored enough to have read this far, is ‘lushlicious’. It is a portmanteau, of sorts, of the word ‘lush’ and the word ‘delicious’, and I am sorry to report that I think I probably made it up. I’m sure it has been used before, and while it could have entered my subconscious under the cover of darkness, I think it is more likely that my brain independently engineered this particular abortive linguistic turd. ‘Lushlicious’ is the sort of word used by people with vocabularies so limited that they have to resort to nonce words in order to express any emotion stronger than the absolutely mundane. ‘Lush’, taken alone, is a word completely without charm, but harmless enough. ‘Delicious’ is an overused but capable word, bold enough to convey that something tastes rather fucking lovely. In combination, however, the two words form a hulking literary monster, a disjointed collocation of like terms, a massive, stinking, rotten, cancerous, cunt of a word.

Norwich Cathedral

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Lushlicious is, therefore, the perfect word for our age: a word utterly devoid of any profound meaning and totally beyond redemption. Myles Dunnett

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Daddy joke: his happiness with you.

Tips to Survive a Hurricane

If you live, visit, or dream of visiting Florida, chances are you’ve experienced, heard of, been warned about, or dreamed of experiencing, hearing of, or being warned about, a hurricane. Hurricanes are, despite the many boring meteorological definitions, basically frat boys: they suck up a lot of fluid, gravitate towards the Florida coastline in the summer, move rapidly and loudly through quiet neighbourhoods, spew all of the fluid back out again, and leave a trail of chaos behind them. Great fun to watch from a distance, but an absolute nightmare if they decide to terrorise your local area once every few years. It isn’t Florida’s fault that these hurricanes insist on arriving, and they really don’t arrive all that frequently at all, but that doesn’t stop people blaming the state. Some people even say that Florida is a sweaty, uninhabitable ass crack populated entirely by snakes and alligators and white people intent on eating you. None of this is true, of course, but the envy of pale midwestern irritants and anyone not from the greatest country on God’s brown earth does tend to engender some very odd myths. Anyway, back to the reality of life in Butt Cheek Valley. Key preparedness tips include the following: 1. Buy enough water for yourself, your dependents, your neighbours, their old neighbours, your family in other states, your swimming pool, the lake out back, the water hazards on the local golf course, anyone who happens to call by up to and including the year 2035, and every houseplant in Arizona. And remember: water is only good if you punched someone for it in the line at the grocery store. 2. Stock up on canned food, but remember that you’ll have nowhere to cook it because the power always goes out and no one has gas anymore because it’s 2019 unless you’re in a shitty area or an old house in which case the roof will blow off anyway. 3. Buy a generator and run it inside your closet. When the power goes out it will get very hot and shitty inside because the A/C will go off immediately, and despite the raging tempest outside it’s still abysmally hot and appallingly humid. To mitigate this, you will need a very large industrial generator that will run your air conditioning unit, fridge, lights, television, outlets, microwave, vibrators, and Sybian500. Don’t worry about carbon monoxide, it’s good for you because it helps you sleep better through the howling wind and you won’t need to worry about work or taking the kids to karate practice in the morning.

Thursdays, 7 PM, D-Bar.

4. I cannot stress the importance of buying batteries. I don’t know why this is so important, but a man called Danny Treanor, who you will never encounter, shouted it at me in 2009, and I will never be able to forget his advice. 5. Move your yard furniture inside the garage or it will literally end up inside your neighbour’s living room, and although that’s very funny, it’s a real pain to clean all the blood off afterwards. 6. Fill your car up with enough gas to drive all the way to New York and off the Brooklyn Bridge, even though you won’t be driving anywhere because it’s a fucking hurricane. 7. Don’t go outside, obey all curfews, and remember to always use the grill inside your garage. I’m being completely serious, this is what we do. We barbecue meat in the garage. What, you expected me to go without meat even during a natural disaster? Wrong. 8. Stock up on medication. By which I mean take a shit load of headache pills because you’re going to be spending a lot of time inside with your family, and if you’re British you’ll be talking exclusively about the weather. 9. Put together a first aid kit, pack an evacuation bag for your whole family, board up the windows, cancel all travel plans, file your taxes, rewire your house alarm, drain the pool, fill it back up again, balance the chemicals, retile your patio, cook a meal for 18 and just let it go cold and mouldy. There’s a lot of waiting around involved in this process, so you don’t want to get bored. 10. Some bright sparks (read: everyone on local news before a hurricane) suggest that you fill your tubs (read: baths, not the affectionate term for your chunky friend) with water in case the mains cut out, so you can still flush the loos and wash yourself like a nurse might wash a dying geriatric patient every fortnight. But the truth is, the real reason they advise you to fill your tub is as a last resort: it’s the cyanide capsule in your tooth, essentially. If, however, your tub is too shallow to serve as an effective watery grave, you’ll just have to take your chances with the toilet cisterns. Good luck with that though, because the fucking frat boy hurricane has probably left an upper decker in it. Right, I’m off to see if the wind can support my weight only to fall flat on my face and break my nose. Myles Dunnett

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Oorder. Order. ORDAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

US Presidential No Hopers Still in the Race Because They Hate Their Jobs At least 75% of the candidates to be the Democratic nominee still in the race have no chance and are still there as an overly elaborate way to bunk off their day job. US elections analyst Nate Copper presented us with a complex model to show this, but The Lemon Press doesn’t believe in maths. We spoke to candidate Genericname McGenericface who denied only being in the race to get out of his day job, and then he had to run away and hide because he got a notiﬁcation for an email in his work inbox. We spoke to US election analyst Nate Cobalt for an explainer on why Representative McGenericface had no chance, but The Lemon Press doesn’t believe in political science. Some candidates we spoke to denied that they were only in the race because they hate their day jobs, pointing out they hated their families as well. We spoke to US elections analyst Nate Rhodium about this, but The Lemon Press doesn’t believe in democracy. Chris Small

Exclusive: Boris Johnson Gets More Than Just a Slap on the Wrist From Lady Hale Today the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament was unlawful. The ruling which, perhaps marks a change from the previous judicial restraint of the court, marks a crushing defeat for the government. While the future of British parliamentary democracy is uncertain, one thing is for certain: Lady Hale dominated proceedings and managed to successfully discipline Johnson. When asked for a comment, Johnson simply stated, 'well, of course this is not the result me or my government would have wanted. But, of course, when one acts like a bad boy, one must expect to be punished. Like nanny always said, “being naughty means a slap on the botty” so I’ll just have to bend over and take Lady Hale’s punishment.' 'Now, of course, one might say that this ruling is in keeping with the fundamental tenants of the Magna Carta, to which I say: 'Magna Carta? but I hardly know ‘er (and strenuously deny the rumours that we once had an affair). Not that I’d complain, of course, I love a Lady, especially in the streets, and a whore in the bedroom if you know what I mean hahahaha, wait what was the question again?' Ashvini 'Hot for Bagehot' Rae

The Goodest of Byes Once you are contractually obligated to leave a place, it is almost certainly time to depart. You’ve bought yourself another year by doing a master’s, you’ve pushed your tenancy to its limit, your university card has expired, there are now weekly grey hairs appearing where once colour reigned supreme. All of the signs point south: way south. I have reached that point. This is the end of four years of laughs, pints, meetings, bars, layups, seminars, lectures, drunken dances, freaks, housemates, freaky housemates, arguments, arguments with freaky housemates, intimate manoeuvres (ahem), fits of spleen, restless days of acid reflux, takeaways, dates, restaurants, trips to the seaside, standing around in shops still fucking waiting, days out in the Yorkshire countryside, picnics in the park, movies, and so on, and so forth, etcetera, until kingdom come, amen. I’m leaving. No, I really am leaving this time. My doctor has told me that my body cannot withstand a PhD. Must go on. Can’t go on… Must go on. You will, of course, see my articles (and, God willing, me) again: as soon as something annoys me (so, tomorrow) I’ll be back to smash out more bad jokes on my ageing Mac. But I’m checking out. I’m leaving the grid. I’m going remote. Whenever you leave a place that you have been in for a long time it is a loss. There will be people you will miss. There will be days you remember. There will be exes you won’t forget. There will be friends you will still see. There may even be someone (or two people if you’re greedy or have problems with committing to a friendship) to whom saying goodbye will make you want to physically vomit, and not just because you hate them: because actually, genuinely, and irrevocably, you love them. Hey, maybe you will physically vomit; that would certainly be a memorable way to depart. I am now reaching the end of this article, as well. Everything ends. And so, I have two final things to say to you. Firstly, in the words, of Dr Pasky Miranda, ‘be wonderful to each other’. Secondly: adieu, for now. Go well, chums. Myles Dunnett

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Area 51 Raid Reveals That Your Mum Is Being Detained by the US Government

Amnesty International Come out Against Sandwich Price Rise in Browns.

After all the hype over the Area 51 raid, The Lemon Press can reveal after a long investigation that your mum is being held by the US government. That’s right, your mum in particular. Internal documents reveal that she was ﬁrst taken from her job as an Avon representative by actual aliens, as they mistook her for a cow. The documents also show that while she was on the alien's craft, she was probed multiple times, not that she wasn’t used to that. A further investigation shows that the aliens didn’t even call her the morning afterwards. When the US government found her asleep by a bus stop, they took her in to examine the absolute specimen that is your mum. She was originally kept in area 51, but an expansion titled 'area 52' was necessary because she took up such a large area. Footage was captured of a few brave men sneaking in the back entrance, not that she wasn’t used to that either. When pressed for comment, your mum only said: 'if you buy 4 bottles of nail varnish remover, I’ll throw in a 5th for free, just for you!' Perkin Amalaraj

The Amnesty International Society, a student-led activist group, has ﬁnally submitted to student pressure and will temporarily no longer focus on helping poor people or whatever. Instead, preparations are being made to take part in the protests outside Browns.

Juuling Still Considered 'Fuckin sick, bro', Says WHO The World Health Organisation released a statement today that seemed to absolve the responsibility of vaping companies in light of the deaths with apparent links to the products that they sell. As of 26/09/2019, 805 people have been hospitalised in the US, with another 12 being confirmed dead. A representative of the World Health Organisation told a press pool that 'Juuls don’t cause any deaths, anyone who’s died from it is just a pussy who doesn’t get laid'. He (because of course he’s a fucking bloke) went on to say that 'vaping is the hot new thing that everyone’s doing, you know like how everyone between 2005 and 2010 pretended that bacon was God’s gift to earth and there was nothing better in the world. Any liberal government agency that wants to try and take away my vapes can take them over my dead fucking body'. After the first representative suddenly keeled over due to, we assume, vaping related injuries, a second representative came and finished off the press release, saying, 'the need for effectively implemented policy shouldn’t be placed as a direct opponent to the freedom of choice that exists in our current economy. Rather, they should go hand in hand to ensure that all people and institutions affected by this situation get a chance to be heard, as this is an unprecedented issue. All we want to say to the families of those affected is that those who have died are all fucking pussies who lowkey deserved to die'. Perkin Amalaraj

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Browns, which has recently raised the price of a sandwich by 25p, has come under pressure after the price increase, with the Amnesty International Society being the latest to come out against the business. A spokeswoman from the Feminist Society, a group making up the feminist wing of the sandwich price protesters, said it was 'about time' and that 'what else where they going to do? Eat a sandwich from Nisa? They’re shit!'. This resulted in a retaliation from the Amnesty International Society with a spokesman suggesting the Feminist Society only started protesting so early and enthusiastically because of their own refusal to go into the kitchen and make a simple sandwich. They are even accused of refusing when they are asked 'very nicely' and will frequently proceed to 'becoming hysterical' . The Amnesty International Society has joined the block of student activist groups organising the protests who are nicked named the ‘Fatties’. The 'Fatties' have produced a list of demands to Browns demanding: the removal of the ‘tyrannical price gouge of 25p’, the creation of a ‘fatty board’ to discuss any future sandwich related changes, a cheese board for the new board and the removal of all tortas chips from sandwiches sold at the shop because ‘anyone who puts tortas chips in sandwiches should really just fuck off’. Thomas Lansdale

DNA Test Reveals Trudeau is Actually Pakistani, Was Doing Whiteface the Entire Time

The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that Justin Trudeau, the Canadian Prime Minister, is in fact a Pakistani man. The test was administered two days ago, where an anonymous source passed on information that stated that Mr Trudeau was actually from the Sindh region of Pakistan. When pressed for comment, he revealed that he was in fact in whiteface for his entire political career. He told The Lemon Press that 'it started off as a joke, but it got out of hand quickly. I started teaching at West Point Grey Academy in whiteface, and I’ve been keeping this lie up ever since. However, I think that it is ﬁnally time to come out. I now choose to live as a Pakistani man. I want to deal with this honestly and openly that starts with examining my own behaviour.' Perkin Amalaraj

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Knock knock? Who’s there? Doorsafe.

FW19 Makeup Trends As the FW19 fashion trends have begun pouring into our lives, so have the makeup trends. We sent our beauty editors to find out what the biggest fads were going to be this season, and they found contouring to be the latest trend. While contouring is nothing new, there are endless ways that makeup gurus are experimenting with it. From using it on your forehead, your cheekbones, your neck and your legs (yes, haven’t you heard? Leg contouring is a thing now), main beauty retailers have come up with more things that need contouring. Because no women will ever be loved unless she has put makeup on every single inch of her body. Here are the new trends! Knuckle Contouring: Nail polish isn’t the only thing you can put on your fingers now, ladies! Adding some contouring to your hands will make those fingers look extra bony, AKA dainty and feminine! This trend can also be changed up for the men in your life! Make his knuckles look bruised, just like he’s been in a fight. Everyone loves a bad boy! Eye Contouring: We all know the saying 'the bags under my eyes are designer', well now they really can be! Simply buy the newest Chanel contouring palette, and spend all your time making yourself look even more tired than you already are!

Five Questions You Absolutely Must Not Ask Your Granny After She and Your Grandpa Fall Over in the Shower at the Assisted Living Facility It’s very sad when an old person falls over, doubly-so when they fall over in the shower, triply-so when both of your grandparents fall over simultaneously in the shower of their home in an assisted living facility and have to pull the emergency cord for help. You may well wonder why both of your grandparents were showering at the same time, but when you visit the hospital and quiz granny about the event, there are some questions you absolutely must not ask! 1. Were you gripping onto anything when you fell over? 2. Do you think you need some kind of protection in the shower? 3. Did it hurt as much as last time? 4. Were you very wet when you were lying there? 5. Did the man come quickly after you pulled the red thing? Read next week’s edition for the saucy and upsetting answers. Myles Dunnett

Get The Look: Minimalism In this capitalist world, people, especially insta-famous inﬂuencers, are really showing that minimalism is a great way to live your life. It’s freeing, you’re not wasting money on unnecessary things, and by following exactly what these inﬂuencers say, you can avoid being a mindless drone that only does and buys what people tell you to.

Minimalist room in high-class apartment: £5 million

Brain Contouring: Smart is the new sexy, so you gotta show that brain off, gurl! Simply open your head up and stick that bronzer brush inside! If you die…well, it’s almost Halloween, so corpses are super in right now! Also, FUTURE TREND ALERT! There are whispers in the beauty world of the upcoming S/S20 makeup trend: Contoured trees! As usual, Kim Kardashian is the ﬁrst to take part in this trend with her nature friend, Kree.

Minimalist (designer) wardrobe: £54000

Succulents: £20

Lucy Finnighan

Lifestyle

Lack of personality: Priceless. Lucy Finnighan

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Paul Potts or Pol Pot?

Life as a Campus Style Icon In this exclusive column, one of York's leading style icons writes But for the philosopher fashion kings and queens of the world, anonymously about their day, their look, and life as a campus style striving for the Platonic ideal aesthetic, it must be dark blue. The icon. alternative, of course, are some smart chinos - but never in light blue. Red is right out, with its only redeeming feature being how 'If I've said no once, I've said it a thousand times. I won't do your it hides the blood streaming down your leg when you are so-called fashion shoot for the double-page spread. It's just, inevitably attacked in the street for your poor decision. I choose amateur. I'm a professional, you know!' I slam the phone down. a pair of jeans. It's 10:45 and my serotonin levels are already dangerously low, drained by the whinging sound of a student journalist. I've no The crowning moment of my look for which I have become so interest in the double-page spread of Nouse. It's the front page of acutely in the public eye approaches. My hand passes, in a state the university prospectus, candidly caught in a pensive mood of reverence, over the delicate folds in a stack of softness. But dressed in a little something I found, or nothing. The student today is not for this stack of v-necks and crew-necks. Gently, as if journalist, who I won't name, has been nagging me for days. it were the young goat which was shorn itself, I withdraw a black They've got a face for radio - no, even worse, they've got a face for cardigan. It ﬁts perfectly, of course. University Radio York. So they'll probably end up just photographing themselves in some natty 90s streetwear they By now, it is 3pm, and the bottle of crisp white wine has been borrowed from their sipped to its dregs, 'cool' Derwent 1st so I turn to lunch. year housemate. Today is a cheat day, so as I treat myself to an extra Three pings later on slice of cheese in my phone, I've my sandwich, I blocked their realise I am number. Some wearing no freshly squeezed underwear. It is orange juice, and that journalist's now to the business fault, who threw of the day: deciding my entire morning what to wear. It's into disarray. No autumn, or what we matter. I rectify call 'Fall' in the this problem, and fashion world, and stroll onto dark, earthy tones, campus, into the sensibly layered, are the look - or at least, by the time I've given it a twirl in public, it library foyer, with turning heads all around, pick up a copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four and Das Kapital, and leave. I have missed will be the look. my seminar and lecture. But it is a sunny day, so I make for the First, a shirt. With a seminar and a lecture later today, a collared grass outside Heslington Hall, patiently waiting for the shirt will present an intellectual academic je ne sais quoi (that's prospectus photographer to show up. French), but with the top button undone, shows my rebellious side. A simple geometric pattern in black over crisp white. One As I wait on the grass, some fans timidly approach. They are sharp buzz on the phone indicates it's 11am, so out comes the from overseas, and have brought only maps of campus for me to corkscrew, and on comes the crisp white shirt, as I sip a glass of autograph, which I happily oblige them with. The golden hour comes and goes, and I am furious. Rain pours down as I storm crisp white wine. home. Next, trousers. A gentle touch, and out comes a drawer, divided into two. On the left, dark blue jeans. It is a terrible fashion faux Even though I am at home, standards are still to be kept up. pas to wear light blue jeans in odd-numbered years, and it is Tonight, I have a hot Spanish dinner date, so I slip into simply disreputable to wear them in even-numbered years. They something more comfortable, replacing the cardigan with a vbelong with jorts, cargo pants, and 'athleisure': on the arses of neck - with elbow patches, of course. But to say anymore would philistines. be improper. Such is the life of a style icon. Henry Dyer

It has been noted.

Lifestyle

Which protozoan slime are you?!

Ask Jeeves: The Man Behind the Magic

Ask Jeeves used to be a powerhouse in the search engine world. However, while Ask Jeeves opened up the knowledge of the world to us, we know very little about the person behind it all: Jeeves, age 42. Thankfully, he was very happy to let The Lemon Press conduct a Q&A with him — on the condition that we didn’t mention, allude to, or otherwise imply the existence of ‘Yahoo!’.

Q: I have to ask, what caused Ask Jeeves to become Ask?

Q: Only recently, it was found that ‘autonomous’ robots which deliver food on the UC Berkeley campus were controlled by operators in Brazil for $2 an hour. Do you think the public knew what was going on behind the scenes at Ask Jeeves?

Q: How did you compete with ﬁerce competition such as Ask Italian?

A: I would hope so. Our company was called ‘Ask Jeeves’ and we even had a caricature drawn of the winner of Mr Jeeves 1997 as our logo. We were very upfront about it. We could have personally sent our answers to you in an envelope, guaranteed to be licked by someone called Jeeves if that would help convey the message, but that would have been rather time-consuming... Q: How many of you were there? A: I was the ﬁrst but we had as many as 10,000 at one point. We must have taken every single Jeeves from California, San Diago to Sacramento. We hoovered them up. Whenever we had a new employee we would all wear our name badges and… well… Jeeves would get a hell of a welcome. I was Jeeves numero uno.

A: We left. All of us. Spending your days answering questions is alright for the ﬁrst few years but eventually you end up asking yourself, ‘is this what I was destined to do?’ We all moved to set up a commune in Haight-Ashbury. We’re very happy.

A: Ask Italian missed a trick, they were too busy being a casual dining restaurant chain that they missed the opportunity of a lifetime: a search engine which would give answers exclusively from Italians. We didn’t directly compete per se but the threat was always in the background. It messes with your head after a while. We knew they could pivot their business in a heartbeat and simultaneously stop ours dead. Q: What’s your next step? A: Right, I’m going to be honest here. I’m a middle-aged man who spent the best years of his life answering trivial questions like ‘is water wet?’ from the dumbest specimens in society. My wife left me for a bozo called Bing in 2005. I’m broke. We live in a society. Stop asking me questions. I’m leaving. Will Rowan

The Global Climate is Having a Heated Gamer Moment The whole planet is having a 'heated gamer moment' according to leaders in climate science. They have been keen to change the discussion around climate change, updating their vocabulary to keep with the times. After all, the climate change strike has been led by younger generations. Terms such as ‘global warming’ and ‘climate change’ are to be replaced with 'heated gamer moments', virgin-Chad dichotomies, and turning points. A chief architect of the new strategy expertly summarised the latest in climate science, ‘CO2 is clearly a Chad gas with its earth-warming, habitatdestroying power. Virgin legislators look away as the cuck Earth is destroyed by the bull greenhouse gas emissions. Meanwhile, Veronica, Stacy, and her mum have been buying single-use plastics like they’re collectibles. This merely increases the volume of Chad’s load of glass bottles, grease, and manly nonbiodegradable waste to pollute the oceans. Humans are both bull and cuck, ploughing the Earth of its natural resources while smarting in quiet humiliation.’ The blackpill worldview is about to ﬁnd itself overcome with climate-conscious entryists. This sharp-shooting style has played well in focus groups. Teenagers paid little attention to detailed climate models predicting apocalypse, barely looking up from 4chan. However, 21

Science & Tech

when it was explained that the storm circle was closing on our chance to preserve our world map they perked up. The fact that excessive sulphur dioxide, like microtransactions, make grown men despair about the future, never fails to spur them into action. The science tell us that more than just York, the UK, and the USA need turning points. The whole world needs a turning point before we reach a tipping point. Will we be able to stop global temperatures rising up? This new initiative gives me hope.

A Gamer

Our DMs are always open...

You can't say anything these days.

What Pokémon Go Location Placement Says About the University

RAF Drone Capability Receives Upgrades with Battle Passes for Operators

First of all, yes, Pokémon Go is still relevant. I don't care what you say about it almost being 2020. I like being told where to go on my walks, alright? I know that Misha kid will have to start considering his GCSE options now, but there's no need to cause unnecessary fuss about how unsound the concept for this might be. Let's face it, there's plenty else you could dive into.

The Royal Air Force's drone capability is to be upgraded after the MoD purchases several Battle Passes for the drone operators, according to a draft of the Defence Review.

Into the meat of the matter, I've always thought that the obscured world of Pokémon Go reflects our world to show patterns we might not normally notice. I mean, obviously that isn't true, but roll with it for now. The placement of every Pokéstop, the sequencing of every gym, it all goes to highlight what's important. Not important to us, obviously we know that, but what's important as dictated by some internal decision making process in Niantic HQ. Here are the results of my findings after 20 minutes staring at a map, and half an hour of walking around trying to throw the fucking balls in a straight line. There's absolutely no sense of proportion. Out of all the binging venues in and around campus, the only one elevated to the high honour of gym, is The Deramore. Now I'm sorry, but anyone who's going to The Deramore as opposed to a campus venue, or you know, the much nicer pub just down the road, really shouldn't be allowed the money to spend on beer. Or food. Or the phone they're playing the game on, and while we're at it, I think God should take their eyes back and put them to better use. I hear some cricket umpires are in need (fucking hell, sports satire as well? A bit bloody far). A point dangerously close to being factual, is that the game seems to provide more tid bits and gems around campus than any list in a 'reputable' student paper ever could. Seriously. Everyone knows about the Buddha by SLB, but the number of statues, sculptures, and other bits of pieces is remarkable. And you can find them all just by wandering around guided only by the need to get more stardust because you accidentally transferred your best Pokémon. Finally, and this is the most crucial thing that I've learned in my journey, any map with enough points positioned arbitrarily can be used to draw something obscene or offensive. Look! I made mine spell YUSU! [Harry, are you alright? - Eds.]

Harry Clay

...@thelemonpress

RAF drone operators, who control the Reaper UAV to carry out surveillance, reconnaissance, and extra-judicial executions, are each going to be receiving a Field Upgrade Package (or battle pass) for £49.99 per year, in a special deal struck by the Ministry of Defence with American arms company General Atomics. Products seen at the recent Defence and Security Equipment International (DSEI) arms fair, held in London Docklands, suggest that operators will be able to equip new skins for their drones, as well as special ﬁrst access to new weaponry and technical upgrades, and new achievement medals in an exclusive progression system. Critics have slammed the battle pass's inclusion of immunity from special anti-cheat banning system, Human Rights Legislation. 'This is great news, of course. More money for arms companies means more funding for us!' said one University of York staff member. Henry Dyer

Dyson Unveils Vacuum of Outer Space Dyson has revealed his most advanced vacuum cleaner to date. The Vacuum of Outer Space follows the design principle of ‘less is more’ to its natural conclusion. The Dyson Airblade managed to minimise the material needed for construction — the Vacuum of Outer Space does away with materials altogether, it’s a crisp packet that’s all air. The inﬁnite void offers great opportunities for sucking up all the mess you can throw at it. Run out of uses for a spy satellite? Just let the Vacuum of Outer Space accept it. Want to write a ‘science & tech’ article that isn’t about gamers? The Vacuum of Outer Space does the job. It also doubles up as a cooling unit, offering temperatures near to absolute zero 24/7. Some have accused Dyson of being vacuous, wondering how he can seriously claim the entire Universe as his own invention. So far, he’s just sucked the criticism up. Will Rowan

Science & Tech

Congratulations, you're pregnant!

Boris Johnson Confirms 'Humbug' Is His Favourite Arctic Monkeys Album

After a series of gruelling political developments in Westminster, the Prime Minister startled the country on Wednesday night after an address from Labour's Paula Sherriff on the dangers of inflammatory language in politics. In a controversial response, Johnson expressed his fondness for Sheffield rock band Arctic Monkeys, and in particular their album, 'Humbug'. Figures from across the political world condemned this opinion, with Labour's Jess Phillips among the first to respond. 'This is clearly a calculated move on the part of the PM designed to inflame anger and hatred towards real Arctic Monkeys fans,' said the Member of Parliament for Birmingham Yardley, 'all of whom know that the group's masterpiece is 'Favourite Worst

Intenet Rattled as Pennywise is Confirmed Homophobic With the new release of It Chapter 2, the internet, particularly Tumblr and Twitter, have been shocked to watch scenes [No spoilers! - Eds.) of Pennywise acting homophobic. This is contrary to the popular belief, spanning from Chapter 1, that Pennywise was a ‘Gay Icon’, and it has caused people to wonder whether all clowns are now hateful towards the LGBTQIA community. Needless to say that the internet is not happy about these turn of events. 'Sure, Pennywise is the embodiment of cruelty within the town of Derry,’ one internet user tweets, ‘But I didn't think that would make him homophobic!’ So where did this idea of Pennywise being a champion for the gay community come from? 'literally nowhere,’ says a member of the LGBTQIA community who wishes to Pennywise looks a remain anonymous. ‘I’ve never heard anyone bit different... in the community say that he ever was an icon. I think he was just made a supposed ‘Gay Icon’ by the straights trying to jump on the bandwagon.’ It is likely that Pennywise was attempting to follow in the footsteps of horror monster and actual ‘Gay Icon’, the Babadook, who became popular after their film was listed on the LGBTQIA section of Netflix. We tracked them down for a comment: 'Pennywise isn’t even on my level,' they stated, while smoking a cigarette, ‘You can’t just act like someone’s a ‘Gay Icon’ just because they’re a monster in a horror film! There’s an art to it. I’m gay because I’m a monster that represents depression and troubled family dynamics, things which are often a gay-assmood.' Now, you may be wondering what our stance here at The Lemon Press is about clowns. While I cannot speak for us as a whole, as the writer, I would have to say yes. Yes, they are homophobic. Because I’m gay and they scare me. Lucy Finnighan 23

Arts

Nightmare'.

'I personally identify a great deal with the third album, "Humbug",' said the PM during a press conference the following day, 'the relatively muted commercial response, compared to its predecessor, reminds me a great deal of my inability to pass motions in the House of Commons. Humbug to me is all about disappointment - and whether it takes the form of a 10-track album produced by Queens of the Stone Age's Josh Homme, or a 100% loss record on parliamentary votes, it's a feeling we can all relate to in one way or another. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to piss on Jo Cox's gravestone.' Alfie Gerzimbke

Future Fringe Shows Line-up Released

This year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival was a signiﬁcant success, and one major competent were the Basil Brush shows. One show he performed was more catered to adults, with swearing and sex jokes, as he wished to put on a show that would be 'for the people who watched the show when they were kids. I gotta make money somehow.' As the show was incredibly popular, it has inspired many children’s TV characters to put on a more mature production at next year’s Festival. Here are some of the line-up: Mr Tumble: The educational entertainer will still be doing just that! In a one hour show, he will be teaching the audience how to swear and catcall in sign language. He refuses to teach any other words. Bill and Ben: The double act will now be shedding their ﬂower pots in a magic mike style strip show. All you 'plant moms', get ready for some fun, wink wink. The Tweenies: While the Tweenies have been rather infamous in their drunken escapades in the tabloids, this new show seems to be their attempt at getting back into people’s good books. Their show will be a regular music performance, as they will be covering songs from the 70s to the modern day. Tickets will apparently be a whopping £50! No doubt it’s to sustain Fizz’s drug addiction. Blue’s Clues: Blue and Steve are back, and the mystery they will have to solve is a murder mystery! Rumour is that Blue will be discovered as the killer! I knew she was capable of atrocities, the bitch. Big Cook Little Cook: In this cooking show, the pair will be showing us how to cook brownies! Pot brownies, that is. Think ‘Breaking Bad’ with a 5-inch-tall Walter White. This line-up sounds incredible; shows that are both for kids and adults! What could possibly go wrong? Lucy Finnighan

We want 1,000,000 likes.

Ancestral protector of the crown juuls.

H HH G A

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HH ! AG NO

Four Roads of York That Perfectly Sum Up Being at University York is a strange place. Just ask any of the southerners — don't worry, they'll say that they're from the south — and they'll tell you as much. Nearly 2,000 years of history have left its mark upon the city, with its walls, architecture, and of course, its streets. And now, you, a precious undergraduate, will stride these streets in the day, and stumble along their cobbles at night. To mark this, here are four streets that will perfectly sum up your time at university. University Road: This one seems fairly obvious, as it contains the reason why you are here in the first place. Poorly designed, with inadequate space for busses to stop and pick up students while allowing other traffic to pass, contributing significantly to on-campus congestion, the foolishness of University Road is fitting for the middling university which we attend.

Ok first things first, Vedge has a Starbucks. Need I say more? Nothing says living your white girl life like indulging in a pumpkin spice latte in the middle of an important study session - you need the caffeine to help you find the right colour sparkly gel pens for your bullet journal! Anyway, on to Vedge itself. You can choose between the salad bar (a medley of brightly coloured veggies and hummus, honestly, like, stuff I haven’t had since my gap year) or the main menu, full of exciting and healthy things like shawarmas and burgers and chips (ok but like... healthy chips). Then there are these vegan cakes which are so good and healthy too probably (they’re like vegan right?) which is great for the planet as well. Now the last thing which I’m in LOVE with (and you will be too!) are the bubble waffles. So basically these are like, normal waffles but better because they’re like covered in bubbles! The ones at Vedge are super crisp and tasty and the toppings are great too - I had banoffee and honestly it was like to die for. They also do them vegan as well!! So, again, you can indulge whilst being healthy [uhh - eds.] and protecting the environment. Honestly what’s not to love? The best thing is that like everything is under £5 so you can feel good about your waist and daddy’s - uh your - bank account. I can already tell, Vedge will be the place to go this year. Lucy Purkis Charters

First Aven

Oxford Street: Lacking in the commercial grandeur of its London cousin, this short cul-de-sac near the railway station and just around the corner from the York Labour Party's ofﬁce will serve as a permanent reminder of the fact that you didn't get into Oxford, did you, if only you'd tried harder, but you didn't, because you're just lazy, aren't you, you're just a regular droog, and despite how much you try to puff it up on your CV, everyone knows that the York Union has none of the reputation or standing as the Oxford Union, so no one will care if you were Deputy Under-President.

S P IS

Live Your Best White Girl Life at Vedge!

2.1 Avenue

Parliament Street: Pedestrianised in the early 1990s and prorogued in 2019, Parliament Street has much to offer a student, from banks, shops, cafes, busking locations, and of course, the home of the Christmas market which you will inevitably ﬂock to with the person you're really desperately trying to get with, in the hope that a cute aesthetic and a D-list celebrity with several allegations hanging over their head using a comically large lever will swing things your way. It won't.

First Avenue: Ought to be called 2.1 Avenue, really. Henry Dyer

Get us one like closer.

Dinner is served

Feature

Yes, we found it, the STUDENT way!

For the Record: A Message from Your YUSU President-in-Exile Hello Comrades and Subjects! For those that don’t know me, I ran for YUSU president last year on the serious platform, of building Europe’s smallest plastic bottomed lake, until crooked YUSU rigged the election and I went into exile. I’m just going to stress that the ‘in exile’ part means none of this is my fault. Boris Johnson proroguing parliament, not my fault, Trump being impeached, not my fault, the price of pints going up in Courtyard, not my fault. However, I would like to take sole credit for the prices of First Bus increasing, as I did promise in my manifesto. Although I'm not president, and obviously in exile, I think I scared them into making the move. When judgement day comes, they want to be on my side. Once again I am unable to disclose my location as I’ve had a few ‘heated gamer moments’ when YUSU assassins have attempted to use various means to assassinate me, ranging from ice picks, to a rusty spoon, and contaminating the water supply with the so-called energy drink known as Boost. Of course, all of this has nothing on the YUSU bars campaign to kill alcoholic beverage after alcoholic beverage, so I call upon all my supporters to press F to pay respects to Carlsberg and Strongbow Dark Fruits, which now join Stella Artois in Drink Heaven. I frequently get questions like ‘When will you return from exile?’, ‘Why are you a ﬂoating head?’, and ‘why are you such a wanker?’ and I would like to answer those questions but I won’t. However, I will release the transcript of my phone call with the President of Ukraine, to disprove the existence of any ‘Quid Pro Quo’ and if I’m lucky the transcript will also disprove other Latin phrases such as ‘Caeciluis est in Horto’ and ‘Romanes Eunt Domus’. UNCLASSIFIED Declassiﬁed by order of the President-in-Exile September 24, 2019 MEMORANDUM OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION SUBJECT: Telephone Conversation with President Zelenskyy of Ukraine Participants: President Zelenskyy of Ukraine President in Exile Small: Will you investigate Samara Jones for corruption involving Ukraining Oil Companies President Zelenskyy of Ukraine: Errr. President in Exile Small: On a separate note I want to give you 8 billion YoYo Points President Zelenskyy of Ukraine: I will help you take down the YUSU sham democracy [Redacted]: Any explict deal over giving the President of Ukraine YoYo Points in return for investigating Samara Jones

Here I am very carefully not colluding with Ukraine, Russia, or anyone else. Every second, I'm saying in my head, 'Chris, you're a patriot, you're loyal to York. You've done nothing wrong. Excuse me officer? They've declassified my emails, err, this is all fine. I'll just, ahhhh, agggggghhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhh Am I going to be impeached? agggghhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhh

Keep oil exploration on campus, to avoid allegations of corruption involving oil companies in Ukraine

See no so-called ‘Quid Pro Quo’ here! 25

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Join us.

Barely anything rhymes with Rowan, believe me.

PS5 Classic Revealed

An Exclusive Internship Opportunity

Following the success of recent classic console launches, Sony have boldly announced the PS5 Classic before the PS5. Here’s four things I learnt from looking at a picture of Mark Cerny:

I am pleased to announce that I am offering an internship in ethical games journalism to one lucky applicant. Following a performance review, interns may even be awarded a permanent unpaid position at The Lemon Press.

1. It will be 30% smaller than the 500lb PS5. 2. It will run much quieter than the PS5. To achieve this, Sony have added a siren to the PS5 which sears the air everytime the machine is turned on. 3. It comes preloaded with 20 of the best PS5 games, all of which will be released after 2025. 4. It's both forward and backward compatible with the PS5. It's a paradox, it shouldn't exist, but believe me it does.

Ninja Now Working as QA Tester on Halo Infinite

Following their large payout, rumoured to be in the region of 50 million dollars, Microsoft have been keen to eek out every bit of value from Ninja. When he’s not trudging through Gears 5, he’s now working night shifts as a quality assurance tester, staring at rocks in a pre-alpha version of Halo Infinite. When the Mixer stream ends, the hard work begins. Last week, he was testing a single invisible wall in a campaign level — ensuring it remains both invisible and functions as a wall all through the night. Other streamers are said to be cautious about moving to Mixer following these revelations.

It's much cheaper than EA Access.

INDUSTRY-STANDARD PAY: £0 per hour, this internship is completely free of charge. Although, we do require a £30 deposit to secure your place. Proof of sufﬁcient funds to cover living costs will be required too. INDUSTRY-STANDARD WORKING HOURS: 60 hours per week for an indeterminate length of time. Remember, this is a great opportunity, competition will be ﬁerce. INDUSTRY-LEADING PERKS: Oxygen, adequate sunlight for optimal performance, every day at work feels like a holiday. Apply Now!

In the Next Issue...

Last DOOM Veteran Dies of RSI, Age 52 Cut Down on Spicy Foods to Stop the Red Ring of Death PS Vita: Can the Dead be Killed? Lazy Developers Enforce Parity Between Xbox One X and PS1 A Games Console Isn't Just for Christmas, It's for Life

Feature

Workhouse owners come out in support of Brexit.

An Address from Viscount Clay Ah, it's you. Good morning. About time you got here. I've been waiting all morning for you to get here, only for you to be late again. What do you mean, 'it's only two minutes'? Balderdash, lies, and more lies; you should be here on time, or not at all. You useless students. Anyway, as you may or may not know, my name is Viscount Clay; Lord of Hougun Manor, and the proprioter of this here satire publication. I'm the rightful owner, the president in power, and my word goes. Some have questioned this in the past, saying those two young people calling themselves 'editors' are really in charge, but let me make it clear. Nobody but me has the final say on what goes in The Lemon Press. If you'd like to read more of my exploits, in particular, how I grasped power, then you can find them in the previous edition. You'll know it's me, because nobody writes as smoothly, as beautifully, and as downright dangerously as I do. Anyway, it's time again for me to share with you, a tale from my younger, more active days. The story begins, as many good stories do, with a good book. A big book. A book so big, so old, and so dusty, that a gravedigger would consider it to have 'gone off'. It was the excellent 'Complete & Utter History of War' by Conscience Brashheart. A tome no less than 50 volumes in length, with letters printed so small that you need an extremely powerful magnifying glass to read. This is because the book attempts to document all human conflict, feud, and skuffle there has ever been, and if you, like me, are a lover of history, you know that this is an enormous endevour.

inspiration it gave me. A plan. A scheme. A plot so cunning and sophisticated that it would shake the world. I was to make huge swathes of money selling buckets. Now I say it back, it doesn't seem that cunning at all really does it? But back then, it really was a revolutionary idea. Indoor plumbing had yet to truly be implemented for the masses, and awful drinking water ran through the Foss like blood out a butchers, or vomit out a fresher. Clean water, drinking water, needed to be brought in, and nobody seemed to have any better solutions. I could make milions by selling these things. Soon, every town in England would have a bucket, and then every street, and then every house. I would make buckets, to hold smaller buckets. It would revolutionise the country. But alas, things were not to go as so smoothly as my dreams. The first problem came with our solution to delivering. Each bucket had to be padded, wrapped up, and coated in as many stamps as would allow safe passage to its destination. This started off as a reasonable cost because we could deliver in bulk, but when individual deliveries started coming in mass quantities, we had a problem. It was starting to cost more and more to package, and our profit margins slipped further and further. My enormous wealth was enough to keep things afloat, and afterall, I suppose we were doing a service, but the bubble was as big as it was going to get, and one firm push would send us into financial ruin. And then, like a lean prop tackling an unexpecting young winger, we were completely blindsided.

The section on America was written by Americans, and as such, is full of absolute nonsense about wars that never happened, victories that were actually defeats and vastly All of a sudden, the numbers weren't adding up. over handsomeaﬁed American Generals. The Something was wrong. I was losing more and sections documenting France and England were more of my fortune every day. We only learned almost half the book, although I recommend it Viscount Clay as drawn by what was happening when it was too late. The Holly Palmer thoroughly, and the chapter entitled 'German company we had been purchasing wood from, had Military Expansion' simply contained the words, 'No, best not go began to buy our buckets. They'd then take them apart, and sell into this one'. It just so happened that our story begins with the the wood back to us, ready for us to sell on again, all at their own long and interesting chapter, Central Italy. proﬁt. It was outrageous, and of course, nowadays, it would be illegal. But in those days, the famous 'Don't Be Naughty' Act You see, years ago, there was a war between the great states of hadn't been passed, and this whole process was perfectly Modena and Bologna. Very important, very bloody, thousands legitimate. died, but a myth surrounded its beginnings. It's rumoured that the war began after the Modenese stole a bucket from the I lost it all. My fortune. My hopes. My dreams. All up in smoke, Bolognese. Well, this absolutely astounded me. To think that like a chimney, or a smoker's lungs. This, was truly a dark day. If such a small argument over a wooden bucket could lead to you wish to see more, then come back in several weeks time, and thousands of deaths? Obviously we now know this to be an find the next copy of The Lemon Press, in which I will detail more outrageous fabrication, but the tale lived on. It lived on in the 27

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Dino Crisis or Suez Crisis? Pick one.

The Gentleman’s Guide to Crafting A Chinese Finger Trap The Chinese finger trap is as easy to make as it is fun to use, and crafting one is a skill that every gentleman should have in his possession. The design is that of a simple two-ended woven cylinder made from strips of bamboo. On inserting one’s fingers, it becomes difficult to withdraw them, as pulling them asunder only serves to tighten the trap. There is also a single ended version called the Mädchenfänger, or ‘girl catcher’. I know – hilarious! To make one of these enticing little gag toys, all you need do is weave a biaxial braid out of thin strips of bamboo, as shown in the diagram above. First, allow me to demonstrate for all of you with the model shown in the above picture. Once you have prepared your first trap you can test it out. Watch as I a simply push my index fingers into either end of the Chinese finger... oh, oh dear. Well this is rather embarrassing, and I promise I was just curious, but I appear to have got my penis stuck in it. Right then. Well, never mind: if at first you don’t

succeed, try, try again. Now it’s your turn: do just as I said, and carefully weave the bamboo in and out, and then gently insert your ﬁngers into both ends and try to pull them apart. Yes, that’s right, just like that. Now give it a go chaps, it’s really rather simple... Oh dear. You’ve got your penis stuck in it haven’t you? Not to worry, I thought that might happen. Just remember: if at ﬁrst you don’t succeed, try not to stick your dick in it next time. Now, let me demonstrate once again. Once you have the cylinder ready you simply… Oh crikey. I seem to have made yet another error. That concludes today’s lesson. I’m off to A&E to get my testicles removed from this bamboo prison. Myles Dunnett

Staff Have Raised Concerns That Arsenal FC's Beloved Mascot ‘Gunnersaurus’ Could in Fact Be a Real Dinosaur

Arsenal's eight-foot tall, bright green mascot ‘Gunnersaurus’ has recently been accused of being a living, breathing Jurassic creature by members of Arsenal's staff. Suspicions were aroused when members of Arsenal's PR team realised that they had never actually seen anyone leaving or entering the supposed suit. These suspicions were all but confirmed when Gunnersaurus was tailed by a private investigator who reported that the supposedly friendly ‘mascot’ returned to a dense patch of woodland in Buckinghamshire after each game rather than the presumed changing rooms of the stadium. These accusations levelled at Gunnersaurus have caused turmoil among the Arsenal fan-base, with some insisting that this ancient carnivorous lizard be removed as Arsenal FC's official mascot. However, this criticism has been met by a huge wave of support for Gunnersaurus. Fans and the general public alike have noted that although Gunnersaurus may in fact be a real dinosaur, this does not detract from his long and exemplary career as Arsenal's official mascot. Many fans have commented that ‘cancel culture’ has led to the admittedly questionable acts of a Tyrannosaurus Rex 65 million years ago being dredged up and used against him. Since then, his activities have been nothing but benign, standing stoically through minute silences on the football pitch and going out to do vital work in the community in North London. It seems that after the initial alarm bells around having a live Tyrannosaurus Rex as an official mascot, the general goodwill felt by all towards Gunnersaurus will keep this beloved dino around for the foreseeable future. Tom Willett

thelemonpress.co.uk, that is.

Henry Dyer

Arts/Sports

Why not wow your family with a homemade Juul Log this Christmas?

Little Bitch Boy Finally Wins Tournament

Took his fucking time, didn’t he? When Ash Ketchum ﬁrst appeared in the global hit Pokémon in 1997, the theme song embedded his supposed dream: ‘I wanna be, the very best, like no one ever was.’ Turns out that would take him 22 years. What a fucking loser.

In an episode that aired in Japan this weekend, Ash beat Gladion to win the Alola Region league, meaning he claimed his first major trophy in the show, and can finally call himself a master after years of being a pussy. Seriously, how can we respect this guy if it’s taken so long? It would be fine if this wasn’t that important to him, but it is literally the premise of the show: ‘Centred on the perpetual 10year-old Ash Ketchum and his dream of becoming a master, as he

features hundreds of animal-type characters called Pokémon, which can be caught, trained and used in battle against one another.’ He had the power of immortality and couldn’t even win a shitty Pokémon tournament all this time? The newly-crowned ‘Pokémon master’ (sure) had previously won smaller competitions, but fans argue that victory in these tournaments was never enough to be given the trophy. As they should. Sorry Ash, but your weak little participation trophies won’t cut it, fuckface. In celebration of their protagonist's win, the ofﬁcial Pokemon Twitter account tweeted: ‘Anything's possible when you believe in yourself, Trainers.’ Don’t coddle him, Twitter. That’s almost as bad as bullying a ﬁctional 10 year old. Who’s a bitch, by the way. Lucy Finnighan

Thomas Cook Planes Now to be Used in Extreme Sport Now that Thomas Cook Airlines has gone bankrupt, the question on everyone's lips (well, okay it wasn’t really) was what the business would be doing with their spare planes. The obvious choice would be to sell them to other airlines, but that’s also, according to a Thomas Cook spokesperson, the ‘lamest choice’.

Grab life by the balls, play Pokémon

Some Fucking Dude Still On His Bullshit Yeah yeah, I know. Another millionaire sports player is in some sort of controversy yet again. It might be a rugby player, might be a football player. Fuck it, it could be some dick who plays lacrosse. Or golf. Who knows what they’ve done this time? Could be tax evasion, could be caught paying a prostitute. I think I’m too tired to care anymore. And I think you are too. Do you, as a reader, honestly care if some piece of shit footballer cheated on his wife? You and I both know he’ll read an apology that some slick Magic Circle lawyer wrote up and everything will go back to how it was. Nothing will have changed, and people will move on. I came into this job wanting to change the world and after 6 fucking years, what do I have to show for it? A lovely piece of paper from a university and a viral listicle on Buzzfeed about “20 Times You Recognised The Brand Of Soup On Broody BBC Shows About A Rogue Police Ofﬁcer Who Says Shit like ‘I said I was done with this life. Why have you brought me back from the dead?’”. I cannot keep doing this. I need to matter to someone. Perkin Amalaraj 29

Sports

So instead, coming this Autumn, is the brand new extreme sport, ‘Plane Dodgeball’! There is talk of the sport being broadcasted on ITV, and Thomas Cook hopes that the game will prove so popular, they will make enough money to ﬁnally release those hotel hostages! The game will involve ﬂying around in planes, while one person hangs onto the wing, and throws 50-tonne metal balls towards the other planes! The aim of the game? Survive. Lucy Finnighan

Sports Were Played In today’s news, sports happened. There were sports. Someone kicked a ball and it went into the net. Sports people played sports. One team won, and the other team lost. That happened many times, with many sports. Sports were done. Sports are happening. Are you happy now? Does this satisfy you? Aren’t you glad that you trudge your way to the pub every Saturday with the ‘Lads’ and ruin everyone else’s day while you yell for whatever team to win? Aren’t you glad you’ve spent your whole life watching a man hit a ball? Aren’t you ready to riot whenever a player is mildly inconvenienced, because apparently that’s justiﬁable, because it’s sports? Aren’t you glad you read this article, to keep up to date on all the sports that you’ve centred your entire identity around? Well yes, we can tell you, that sports happened. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU?!!? Lucy Finnighan

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Letters to the Editors, Death Threats to the Editors, Recipes, Floor Plans, Ongoing Investigations, Libellous Memos, In Memoriam, and Leaked Diplomatic Cables Dear Lady Hale, I’ve been a bad, bad boy and I need to be punished. — BJ Dear Agony Aunt, I have included a free trial of Brainforce Pain Reliever pills. As you’re the septuagenarian equivalent of an inﬂuencer, your endorsement could really help this new product take off. I mean, they’re already pretty much sold-out, hot stuff, buy quick... aha but every little helps. They should help take the agony away. Alex ‘Jacked’ Jones

please take me back. C is making me do things, horrible things, like using InDesign and Photoshop instead of free, open-source nonsense. Please let me come back and shitpost in Scribus. Harry 'Gone Too Far' Clay Joker, I was enchanted from the moment I saw your manifesto for YUSU President. Your promise of a greater role for society brought a smile to my face. You perfectly combine the STUDENT and UNABOM ways. We’re all behind you. Ben Affleck

To W & L, I know V has set us apart, but

Dear Goose, This is a letter asking for permission to pass you on the way to Hendrix Hall, and the promise that I will do so in a way that inconveniences you the least. This is the seventh letter I’ve had to send you this term. I’m not trying to attack you or your babies. Please just let me get to lectures. A Very Scared Student.

In Memoriam So. Farewell Then Robert. Your life taken from you Like you took it from so many others. The inﬂuence you had was

never stronger Than in our little paper. Maybe in another life You can rule like a king again. And although it was really a coup At least you never really ran for YUSU. RIP Mugabe Harry Clay This freshers' week, take a moment of silence to remember the Nouse editorship of Jim 'Finn' 'Finley' Fudge as the second anniversary of its end falls at this time. Requiescat in Collegium Universitatis Londiniensis. Henry Dyer

Horoscopes with Lucid Lucy

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You’re going to butt heads with people today, make sure you put your horns on. Your metaphorical horns, of course. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You have a tendency to see red, Taurus, and get really mad. Try to keep it in check. Just stay away from Spain. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’ll spend a lot of time with your twin this month, Gemini. And if you don’t have a twin… check your birth certiﬁcate again. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) I advise you go to the doctors this month, and discuss your recent sexual activity. Crabs are nothing to be ashamed of. At least it’s better than the other disease you could have.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Let your mane ﬂy free this month, Leo. Just give a roar, and power through the troubles. The remake was terrible, though.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) This season belongs to you, Virgo. It’s probably the only thing you’ve got going for you. Judging by ‘Virgo’ you’ve not had much else action… Libra (September 23- October 22) You’ll feel the scales tipping a certain direction this month. Just try to weigh up your possibilities. Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Be careful with how you treat people this month, Scorpio. Try not to sting them so much.

...or an enemy, just share it please.

Also don’t freak them out with your 6 extra legs. Sagittarius (November 22December 21) You’ll look down, and ﬁnd you have a horse’s body. But don’t feel too bad. You’re also mad good at archery. Capricorn (December 23January 19) You’re…feeling like a goat today? That’s what the Capricorn sign is, right? A goat? Aquarius (January 20- February 20) You’re really good at swimming this month, Aquarius. Almost like you were born under the star sign for it. Pisces (February 21- March 20) You’re a fucking ﬁsh.

Rupi York i was funny but you were louder – hepeating love york? it's adam and eve not adam and york bill clinton US prez the third way fresher? but i hardly know'er Ashvini Rae

[Untitled] Roses are red Trump is thicc Extortion in Ukraine Maybe this will stick Thomas Lansdale

Letters, Poetry & Horoscopes