Nouse Caught in Horrific Administrative Blunder. Whoops!
non-offensive, uninteresting news. [Vincent] de Rivas was meant to come to explain the history of the national grid, NOUSE ARE in a spot of bother and indeed his speech would have extended into the as they have accidentally booked renowned Anglo-Saxon etymology of the word ‘grid’! ‘This sort of dry, rye, enthusiast Tommy Robinson, formerly of the English Defence Weetabix-without-milk is exactly the kind of evening League, instead of their Nouse Events wants to hold, intended target, Vincent de and we can only apologise to Rivaz, CEO of EDF energy. the student body for In a comment provided to The Lemon Press if increasing their heart rate and we promised to leave the Nouse making them talk, as that is not our goal at all!’ Staff/Bathroom, they After giving this explained: ‘Tommy Robinson has comment, The Lemon Press intern Kevin received a dick created a level of hype that we pic from the Nouse account, at Nouse are frankly and shaved into the dusty grey uncomfortable with. You don’t become the University of York’s pubes of what we assume was oldest paper by being its boldest the Nouse Editor-in-chief, was the phrase, ‘we’re also well paper! Instead you simply sorry for inviting a ne- I report on the change of colour mean, 'European agitator'’ palette on the campus trees as Stephen Harper the seasons change, and other
LemonLeaks: Nouse Events JULIO ASSANGI, a first year Ethics in Campus Journalism student, has published leaked correspondence regarding campus newspaper Nouse. Speaking from the York St John building where he is seeking asylum (his application will be processed as soon as staff find out what 'ass-eyelom' means, currently
assuming it to be some new STI), he highlighted the emails detailing the creation of 'Nouse Chats'. Our fearless journalistic furore means we have no option but to publish a selection. From: Nicholas CroggintonEditor-Upon-Thames To: Patrick Nest-Egg, Marquess Christie ChiswickWrexham CC: mediachair@yusu.org
Est. Time Immemorial
C IN A S M E PU R T H S P PI E IC TH R E TU Y R E
Nouse
The University of York's longest-running student society (for now)
Nouse Social Cancelled
citing communication issues, proving that they couldn't organise a pissup in a brewery. Their second social will be THE FIRST social by Nouse scheduled for the spring term, archery out in the countryside. in collaboration with the Real One wonders how that'll go. Ale Society to be held at Brew York, has been cancelled Henry Dyer Hi all, Got my interview at the Graundina in a couple of months, and I'd like to bump Nouse's profile in the media world in the run up. Perhaps trying to make the national press. Anyone got any ideas? Yours, Nicky Reply 1: Wow! Sunds grate! Maybe run an edgy event - tends to get some coverage? P.
Reply 2: DEAR ALL I HAVE AN IDEA WHY NOT TOMMY ROBINSON Chrissy xoxo Reply 3: Thanks for making the event on Facebook! Sure this can't backfire at all. Really boosted my chances of getting the Junior Quinoa Harvester job! Nicky Henry Dyer
Lemons from Beyond BY WACE OF-SPACE
The Lemon Vine BY VISION EXPRESS
n 1977, BBC Two aired a programme by Spike Milligan called ‘Q6’. One absurdist scene featured a man dressed in a dog suit, smoking a cigar on a sofa. For 12 year old Stephen Druce, this was the inspiration needed to begin a lifetime of comedic writing. Stephen, a comedy writer and poet from Shrewsbury, talked to The Lemon Press about his life and writings. At the age of 14, Stephen and his friend would pass notes to one another, in an attempt to get the other to laugh out loud during class. And Stephen was good at it: his jokes would make his friend shake and turn bright red as he tried to suppress his laughter. But a life of comedy wasn't Stephen's first choice: he
became a professional guitarist when he left school. Not wanting to be known as the class clown, his desire was to be the cool rock star of the mid ’80s. But some twenty years later he developed arthritis, and had to abandon his musical career. He continues to be creative, however, by writing poetry. Stephen's poetry, a natural progression from his music, is inspired by poets such as William Carlos Williams, Philip Larkin, W. H. Auden, Charles Bukowski, and John Keats. And from poetry, a return to the world of comic writing was only natural. Stephen believes that the best comic writing is provocatively original. It is the conjuring up of a ‘simple image, incident, or scenario that nobody else could’. Stephen’s own stories are often eccentric, and in his own words, ‘surreal, absurd, shocking, and maybe a little risqué.’ He finds it a simple process to write, an instinctive drawing out of ideas with the crucial element of subtlety. Stephen believes subtlety to be crucial, and a part of his toolkit to create it is silence. ‘Subtlety can be funny and silence is the most subtle form of all,’ he says. On the topic of his bawdy stories,
Stephen states that he has ‘no idea where the boundaries in comedy should be,’ but that he doesn’t want to be an ‘arbitrator or mediator’. Moreover, his stories are not written with the aim of offending readers, although he points out that it’s always difficult to gauge whether or not something will be offensive. This perspective is perhaps one derived from Stephen’s favourite comics, some of whom were introduced to him by his father, including: Monty Python, Sergeant Bilko, and the Marx Brothers. But it’s not solely old comics that inspire Stephen; figures such as Bill Burr, Stewart Lee, Larry David, and Jim Carrey are also present in his pantheon. Stephen describes Shrewsbury as ‘cut off’ and ‘quirky’, but uninspiring when it comes to comic writing. He quickly adds that it doesn’t matter where he’s writing: his imagination is all he needs. It increasingly seems that political satire may have had its day, unable to keep up with the breakneck pace of the real world. But this doesn’t concern Stephen hugely, who hasn’t written much political satire, believing that its frequent reliance on ‘derision and mockery’ aren’t the best sources of humour; some bits of society simply aren’t funny to him. Stephen tells me that if he were to write political satire, it would most likely be in the form of the parody interview.
However, Stephen does extend an olive branch to political satire: he’d ‘like to see Spitting Image come back.’ That said, he does write some political oneliners. Stephen tells me how ‘Trump’s tasteless remarks about shooting Hillary Clinton were 'irresponsible, especially in a country with a history of presidential assassinations,’ and then admits in a subtle switch that ‘on the flip side, assassinating your political opponent is an effective winning strategy in a two horse race.’ At The Lemon Press we don't shy away from the big questions. So we asked Stephen what his favourite type of cutlery was. His immediate reply? ‘It would have to be spoons.' Taking a leaf out of the politician’s handbook, he didn’t provide any other detail as to why, just that ‘[my] position is spoons.’ 'There’s not much money in poetry’ - it’s a truth many English graduates know all too well. But Stephen has made what he describes as ‘pocket money’ from his writings: a collection of his short stories called ’Quirky Shorts’ are sold online, and his contributions to poetry anthologies occasionally pay off. As our interview comes to an end, Stephen delivers his final one-liner: ‘What’s the most effective penalty taking method? Paint a penalty spot inside the goal.’ TLP
The Prostate Check - by Stephen Philip Druce
Critical Perspectives by the Lemon Press's Staff
I went for a prostate check recently. It was a rigorous examination — so rigorous in fact, that the doctor got his whole head stuck inside my anus.
Callum Sharp: Mr Druce offers a stunning criticism of the current state of our National Health Services in this dreary interpretation of a routine checkup. Through the doctor’s terrifying mistakes we are able to understand the threat posed by an overworked and underpaid workforce. This piece is definitely going to make its mark on the political landscape and define debates to come.
I was faced with a dilemma. How could I remove him before he suffocated? I recalled my days in the army and decided to carry out a military-style rescue.
Leusa Lloyd: What the fuck? I got down on my hands and knees, like I'd done in training, and slowly crawled out of the doctor's room, dragging the doctor with me, until we reached the waiting room. I recruited two people waiting there. 'Attention! The doctor is stuck in my anus! I want you to pull him out now! And that's an order! You hold his left leg, and you hold his right leg, and pull alternatively, okay? Right! Go! Get the doctor out of my ass! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!'
Gregory Waddell: I too checked my prostate while reading this. Stephen and I have shared an experience, and as such I feel I am his brother. He is my brother. Together we have a prostate. Now is not the time for tears. Marvin Drury: A gripping tale from the very start, Druce paints a masterpiece of tragedy, suffering, but ultimately redemption.
Finally, after much endeavour, the doctor was freed. Harry Jinks: I've already had my therapy for the day. Don't quote me on 'What's the verdict on my prostate?' I asked him. that. 'You have one,' he replied. Interview by Henry Dyer. With thanks to Stephen for permission to print an excerpt, and to all contributors for their reviews of the text.
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