The Lemon Press – Issue 32 by The Lemon Press

There's been a change in the air.

Contents

Editors' Introduction

Welcome to Issue 32 of The Lemon Press. There's a new sheriff in town. Well, there's actually two new sheriffs in town. We work in pairs, like Laurel & Hardy, the Coen Brothers, or Marx & Engels. We did have some plans for wholesale reforms of The Lemon Press. One idea was to stop this satire nonsense, which not only is described by one editor's mother as 'irrelevant' and the other editor's mother as 'a bit silly, darling, don't you think?', but also isn't making much money at all, nor winning that many awards. Instead of satire, we thought we'd relaunch The Lemon Press as a specialist north London publication, The Quinoa Press. We had great ideas, like a piece on the most fashionable dog breeds at Hampstead Heath ﴾golden‐doodles, working cocker spaniels, and the bichon frise﴿, or 30 pages of irreverent jokes on themes such as 'is it kin‐wa or kin‐oh‐wa'. We were going to call it LimeOut. Unfortunately, we were told we couldn't do that, and also that we were 'wankers who should fuck off back to the M25'.

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Letters Horoscopes

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Henry Dyer and Izzy Palmer

So, instead, we present this. It's not what we really wanted, or, allegedly what anyone wanted. But we have taken on the role of editors, and edit we must. As you might imagine, we've got lots of election coverage. Check out our guide on tactical voting, our prediction of the 2022 election, and find out who won the Prole of the Election competition, as well as all our other content. We've also got a great carrot cake recipe for you all to try! It's superb, we've made it ourselves and it tastes like vindication. As well as this, we're very concerned about the moral decline of York's students, so we've got some exclusive Bible excerpts for you all to read and get back in touch with your spiritual selves. Praise be to Harwood. Our complete bastard of an owner BENEVOLENT PROPRIETOR Lord Murdog has his latest update for your delectation. At the back, there's some horoscopes to find out what lies in your future. ﴾Death.﴿

Deputy Editors: Marvin Drury and Lucy Finnighan Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor: Dr G. Bramoli

Campus Editors: Lucy Finnighan and Stella Kiratzi News & Politics Editors: Ellie Grana and Dom Starke Lifestyle Editor: Hal Bowden Science & Tech Editors: Dan McKinnon and Terri Wang Arts Editors: Marvin Drury and Gregory Waddell Features Editors: Harry Jinks and Callum Sharp Sports Editors: Clara Colombet and Doina Cressevich

Illustrators: Pasky Miranda (Front Cover), Sid Leigh (Back Cover), Ellie Grana (Various), and Taghreed Ayaz (Various)

Finally, whilst this rag will be in your slimy appendages after the voter registration date, we encourage you to go out and vote in this general election. People died for your right to vote. So did Anmer, the King's Horse, when Emily Davidson ran out on the racecourse, which really ruined a good day out at the races and put a big downer on the whole affair. If nothing else, leave your houses and vote for the sake of the horse. Take part in the elections, this June 3rd, and elect your representative to Lesotho's National Assembly. It's what Anmer would have wanted.

President: Myles Dunnett Treasurer: Alex Campbell Secretary: Leusa Lloyd Vice‐President: Gregory Waddell Deputy Treasurer: Doina Cressevich Social Secretary: Ellie Grana Ordinary Members: Hal Bowden, Louis Jani, and Pasky Miranda

Contributors: Jack Mounser, Jelle Vinkenoog, and Tom Davies

Your humble servants,

pp 3‐5 pp 6‐19 pp 20‐21 pp 22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐28 pp 29 pp 30

Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org

Henry & Izzy

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 23rd May 2017.

‘Is this to publish in the magazine? The horror...’

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!

Contents

In the first two seasons of Doctor Who, the man is an actual sociopath.

York Vision Design Hailed by Physicists as First Ever Observed Proof of New Dimensional Thinking The latest issue of York Vision, the most awarded student newspaper in recorded history, ﴾second place being the 3000 BC student cave‐paintings of Ogga the Studious, Pontypridd, South Wales﴿ has been hailed as a masterpiece not only of post‐ modern art, but also for its immense value to the scientific community. For years, scientists had been attempting to find examples that easily demonstrate theories of dimensional warping and hyperspherical fourth dimension concepts within a three dimensional setting, and were pleased to discover that York Vision's designers have inadvertently solved their conundrum. They managed to warp straight boxes that would have presumably aligned themselves without much difficulty into a twisted Lovecraftian nightmare of unaesthetic design that was described by a screaming reader as ‘possibly the poorest visual experience since the Challenger Disaster’. Those responsible for this visionary [really? – Eds.] look at the future of journalism and 24th century 'hyper‐universal' design are being sent to MIT for further testing in the hope of more breakthroughs, whilst copies of the tabloid are being sent to the Tate for historical preservation, and to CERN to be smashed into one another. Henry Dyer

Requiescat In Pace to our beloved former writer, and many thanks to York Vision for their touching, albeit misspelt, obituary

Goodricke Student Steps in Dog Shit ‘Well, at least it's not goose shit,’ the student is said to have uttered, having had this terrible occurrence occur somewhere on Heslington East. Isn't that funny guys? ISN'T THAT FUNNY? AREN'T GEESE AND FECAL MATTER FUNNY? Izzy Palmer & Henry Dyer

York Plummets to Bottom of List as Aberystwyth Heads to the Top Rankings shock for academics across the country as the latest university tables come out. The special analysis, carried out exclusively for The Lemon Press, sees the University of York at the very bottom of the list, with only York St John University being below. Meanwhile, Aberystwyth makes a rare appearance at the top of a rankings table, in the category 'A‐Z', alongside Aberdeen and Aberta— [you're fired – Ed.] Henry Dyer

YUSU Negotiations in Middle East Continue The YU‐N Peace Corps, the world police force started by President Millie Beach, announced this week that the university were in talks with Shi'ite political groups operating out of Lebanon and Syria. 'We have made great progress in our continued efforts to maintain unity between university campuses, as well as various splinter groups supported by Iran and Syria,' President Beach wrote in her latest press release. 'We have come to an agreement under the following terms: fewer rocket attacks, and in exchange the 66 bus will now routinely travel from Heslington East to Hezbollah West.' 'Finally, I have quick and convenient access to York Sport Village, while growing a culture of martyrdom and instability in the Middle East,' said Hez West's Head of International Operations and Assassinations. Louis Jani 3

Campus

Read and watch our election coverage and more...

I go on a radio show so people won’t call me fat. It doesn’t work.

Exams Are Coming

It's Exam and Essay Season Everyone, You Know What That Means! Yes! That's Right! It's Time for the 2017 Crop of Puerile 'De‐ Stress' Activities Which Have Gotten Students Laughed at by Middle Aged Tabloid Readers for Decades!

This is a nationwide warning about the upcoming exam season. Make sure to lock your doors and seal your windows. Exams have been shown to be violent and dangerous creatures; beings of immense power capable of sucking the life out of anyone who falls victim. Subjects such as Sociology have already been taken as prey but the government advises you to stay calm to avoid mass panic. We at The Lemon Press have barricaded ourselves in our rooms before exams stop us from writing further. However, my time is short, as my exams are coming. Dear God they’re breaking down the door. I didn’t want things to end like this. Tell my family I lo— Lucy Finnighan

This year's attractions include: ‐ Kitten ball pit ‐ Finger paint your dreams ‐ A oneness bivouac ‐ A wall made of gifs ‐ Russian roulette in the quiet place ‐ A black and white minstrel show ‐ A live re‐enactment of the Battle of Nanking Also now offering our special ‘reapergram’ service. For just £1 a man dressed as the personification of Death will sneak up behind your friend in the library and softly whisper: ‘The next time you see me, all your worries will become meaningless, lost like half smoked fag butts down a sewage drain in a heavy downpour, onwards into the great endless black. Where do they go? Even I cannot know.’ Tom Davies

What You Wear to the Library, and What It Says about You!

some light blue mum jeans, even though that look is getting old now, Jenny. It’s not interesting. You think people are still impressed by the 90s mum jeans? Please. You might have taken this look one step further on the ‘casual’ scale and swapped the jeans for leggings. Proud of those butt toning exercises, huh? WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: You couldn’t be bothered to think of anything to wear this morning, or possibly any other morning, but you have some standards. If your jumper of choice is somehow sports‐related, you’re trying to tell everyone that you’re fit and able, and maybe hiding some abs under those layers of comfy fabric. You're not.

Option Number 1: Christ on a Bike, I’m Tired. Don’t Look at Me. THE LOOK: This look is easy to pinpoint: greying tracksuit bottoms that were probably originally some other colour. The top half is an unmatching hoodie, or perhaps an old Freshers’ t‐ shirt that’s ominously stained. Have you ever washed it since that awful club night you first wore it to? Better not to ask. Variations of this look apply, but the real way to nail the look is the countenance. Give the sense that your soul has shrivelled up like a dead thing left in the dark. An impression that you don’t even feel the glances people give your outfit anymore, you’re so tired. Bone‐tired. Weighted‐eyes‐tired. O Mary, star of the sea, save us from this plague. WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: Please, get some sleep. I would tentatively suggest a mental health break. Also, you smell. Your clothes are gross. You really feel okay leaving the house like that? Disgusting. Option Number 2: I Don’t Care Either, but in a Casual Way. THE LOOK: Jeans and a jumper! Congratulations, you’re the average joe. You’re probably wearing skinny black jeans, an oversized coloured jumper, and some ankle boots. If you like to look in the mirror and feel hip and trendy, you might be wearing

Option Number 3: I Care, and I’m Here to Make You Feel Bad about It. THE LOOK: Ooh, girl, are those high‐waisted billowy trousers cut off above the ankle? Daring. Choker on? Gee‐wiz! Got your shoulders out? Oh, my! So 80s! You’ve probably put on contour, too. You got that top from a charity shop? OMG! WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: You like to subtly look at your reflection in shop windows as you walk down the street. You’ve maybe gone to the loo more times than necessary this study session, just to remember how good you look. You imagine that anyone who passes their eyes over you is admiring how great that outfit is. Love your look; love your life ‐ that’s what you always say. No one cares. Izzy Palmer

... on our Facebook page, 'The Lemon Press'.

Campus

I didn’t want to disappoint my father, so I didn’t and we have a great relationship.

Dear Clients,

It's another letter from us, your beloved soliciting solicitors. Yes, we're still here. It was great to see so many of you at the Roses tournament, where we gave those blighters from LuSue (haha, more like LoseSue, right? – Millie) a right good whacking back to their side of the country. Anyway, here are some updates:

Examinations

We understand that some of our clients as well as our junior part-time associates have examinations in this stressful period. Well, having of course passed all our law school exams with flying colours hence this high profile act of service instead of a fancy city job, we're very experienced in this regard. As part of our due diligence towards all our clients, we've thrown some loose change together and opened the 'Alcuin Kitchen' up for some toast. And don't forget to stay mindful!

National Union of Solicitors

The annual expenses piss-up (wahey!) that is the NUS conference was great fun! Sadly, our motions on one-member-one-vote were not timetabled in properly, but the organisers have assured us that next year we'll definitely be able to discuss it. My fellow partners delivered some great speeches, too. I'm also very pleased to announce the next head of the NUS has a less problematic relationship with the Jewish Solicitors State. Yes, it's the famous Colombian singer, Shakira..? No, that's not right, it's Shakira Martin, who's lovely and a centrist candidate. Plus she's got great business knowledge which she gained from... selling drugs. Well, that's a niche I suppose. Especially in the law world. And now she's our chief representative. Well, at least it's not that Harwood rotter, right?!

General Election

A reminder to all our clients to make sure you sign up to vote. Yes, and make sure you do vote, and do so for that one. Otherwise you're a bad student.

Love York

Do you love York? Do you love awards? Then you'll just love the York awards, in the same way that if you like cars and crashes, you'll love car crashes. Nominations have been closed, but the awards will highlight the greatness of fellow students and clients here at York, and it'll be hosted at Central Hall! Yippee! So come along and marvel at the achievements of the past year.

The End

Also, we're closing up shop. We've had enough of you bastards. You're all awful. Apparently, according to some polling we had commissioned, you don't even want any of us next year. Some new people are coming in to deal with your rubbish. Well, that's just not very nice at all. Have a horrible summer.

No longer yours, and going kicking and screaming into the real world,

Millie Beach Senior Partner

P.S. We've still got the lease for a few more months so we'll still be here. Please pop in and say hello! We didn't mean it! Take us back! P.P.S. If anyone knows of any jobs in students' unions, or has any ideas for excuses for my mum and dad, please write in! I've got a very impressive CV, promise!

Campus

140 character satire is available 24/7...

Has anyone told The Weeknd that he can’t spell?

As the general election approaches, many have expressed a desire to tactically vote. But how does one tactically vote? Our correspondent, Hyde Innawoods, an advisor on special forces techniques, has this simple guide. 1﴿ Observe your polling station in the lead‐up to the election. Take precaution in case it is a school or nursery, as OPFOR ﴾opposing forces﴿ may become suspicious. Use of camouflage or long‐range observation technique ﴾satellites, drones﴿ could be employed. Make notes of entry and exit points to the location, and any individuals who frequently visit it in case they are enemy operatives. 2﴿ Using the information gathered, ensure you set operational goals as to your tactical voting ‐ find out exactly which box you need to tick, and the timeframe the operation can occur during. 3﴿ Suggested plans for carrying out OPERATION VOTE itself are as follows. Please note these plans may not be appropriate in your case, and indeed may not be lawful. Check with your CO ﴾Commanding Officer﴿ as to ROE ﴾Rules of Engagement﴿. a﴿ High speed entry into the compound, breach and clear using charges and flashbangs to debilitate OPFOR in the area, vote and place into dropzone BALLOT BOX, exit location. b﴿ Quiet tactical entry, early morning. Approach compound and attempt to blend in having observed regular behaviour in area, carry out vote and exit before your presence is noted. c﴿ Storm the building with two fireteams and eliminate all hostiles before voting. May lead to civilian casualties. Inadvisable, last resort.

Observe the location before infilitrating (Alamy)

Margaret Thatcher shortly after tactically casting her vote, 1979

Good luck, Elector. Henry Dyer

Another satisfied voter

He's voted. Have you?

... on our Twitter @thelemonpress.

The first tactical vote is made in York Outer, 09.43, May 7 2015

News & Politics

I've had enough of this election shit. Honestly, what was wrong with feudalism?

David Dimbleby Prepares to Feast Upon the Energy of Viewers

TLP Eggsclusive: Ken Livingstone Transformed into Egg during Labour Blood Magic Ritual

The Lemon Press can reveal that Ken Livingstone's very soul has been bonded to a chicken egg, believed to have been purchased from a Tesco in the Greater London area. It was rumoured that Livingstone had been completely expelled from the party, but he remains only suspended — suspended in the egg's yolky goodness.

As the snap general election approaches, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that David Dimbleby, long‐time presenter of the BBC's election coverage, will once again be harvesting upon the life force of viewers in order to sustain his physical form. Some had thought the 2015 election would have been the last that Dimbleby covered, but he has in fact spent two years growing in power via consumption of what intellect there was from the Question Time audiences he met, coupled with basking in the anger of a thousand righteous tweets.

The egg is medium‐sized and completely normal in appearance except for on one side, where Mr Livingstone's face has fused with the shell. A source close to the Labour's occultists told us that the egg could be heard screaming ‘FREE RANGE IS ZIONISM’ over and over again.

Dimbleby is expected to repeat the schedule of his harvest, draining the energy of his audience as they doze off between the results from those gobby keen shites in Houghton and Sunderland South and the bulk of results later in the night. Also joining him will be Jeremy Vine from his parallel dimension, and Professor John Curtice. Henry Dyer

Emily Thornberry: Reports that Jeremy Corbyn is Against Nuclear Power are ‘Fake News’

There are smatterings of reports that this was part of a wider ceremony of chicken sacrifices to counteract the Conservative Party's Easter Egg Hunt, where Theresa May and her hunting party will be riding on horseback through the forest with their dogs, hunting down innocent chocolate eggs and poor people to sustain their life forces for the next election cycle. Louis Jani

Emily Thornberry today asserted that reports of Jeremy Corbyn opposing nuclear power are ‘fake news’. However, following the release of video footage of Jeremy Corbyn opposing nuclear power, this has been proven false. In other words, Thornberry made a false claim of ‘fake news’, making it fake fake news. In other words: real news. Remember when it was like that. Remember when news was news and fact was fact and butter was butter. No? Good.

Election Phone‐In

Now go back to counting your rice.

As the general election looms, we phoned the local candidates for quotes:

Myles Dunnett

WOW: These Two Simple Steps Make It Easy Not To Ruin Political Discourse!

Liberal Democrat Party: ‘We’re expecting a much larger voter turnout than last time. Our one voter has put on a lot of weight from the humiliation and worry.’ Conservative Party: A noise that sounds a lot like smug chortling.

1﴿ Don't mention Hitler.

Labour Party: A noise that sounds a lot like sobbing, the sound of rushing wind, a piercing scream, and then silence.

2﴿ Don't provide your own ‘spin’ on the Holocaust in Passover week. Henry Dyer

News & Politics

UK Independence Party: See the Conservative Party. Jack Mounser

Tune in and listen to 'Misinfo Wars'...

Answers on the back of a postcard to Grimston House.

Jeremy Corbyn Assures the Public ‘Labour Is Ready for a General Election’ from the Wrong Side of the Commons

(BBC)

Following the announcement of a snap election in 2017, Jeremy Corbyn addressed the Commons to affirm Labour was ready to fight it. Unfortunately, following a lack of briefing from his Special Advisers, he made these remarks from the Government benches. Passing a selection of Tory ministers and looking at his unbelieving party, he asserted that Labour is ‘fit and ready for the snap general election’. Pointing to Philip Hammond, he went on to say: ‘Myself and the Shadow Chancellor have a plan fit for Britain and are ready to fight the Tories wherever they may stand.’ He then sat down and proceeded to have a ten minute conversation with a baffled Theresa May, believing her to be Tom Watson. His team issued the following statement: ‘We apologise profusely for neglecting that aspect of our daily briefing with Mr. Corbyn. Everyday, we ensure the Leader of the Opposition is well informed on all matters of governance and parliamentary procedure. For example, in this month alone he has only forgotten the name of the Prime Minister twice. However, it is only natural that certain pieces of information don't reach him, and in future we will make sure Jeremy isn't so cruelly misinformed again.’

Prole of the Election: 2017 Edition

Congratulations to Brenda from Bristol for winning the coveted Prole of the Election award. Brenda gets a few minutes of coverage on television, three columns written about her in the newspapers, and ﴾if she's still alive﴿ someone might ask her for her opinion on any future elections. Readers will remember previous winners, Gillian Duffy ﴾2010﴿, called a bigot by Gordon Brown, and the group award to the Milifandom Consortium ﴾2015﴿. Runners‐up include Peter from Rochdale who had hoped to win by saying something casually racist on the doorstep, and Gwen from Bognor Regis whose plan was to knit puppets of the party leaders before being outed as a sexual pervert. Peter and Gwen win £10. Henry Dyer

A Momentum representative believes that Labour moderates and the Conservatives attempted to deceive Mr. Corbyn by ‘fiendishly establishing several centuries of parliamentary tradition to damage our Leader's credibility’. There have also been reports of his trouser zip being undone for the entirety of the announcement. Members of all sides, however, were impressed to discover he remembered to wear underwear. Gabriel Bramley

Paul Nuttall: A Modern Day Gandhi?

2﴿ Nuttall, who also created the famous video game series, Paul Nuttall's Civilization, supports the concept of nuclear aggression, just as the historical Gandhi did. 3﴿ Gandhi coined the term ‘satyagraha’ as a form of non‐violent resistance. Nuttall, during his time as a Fellow at All Souls College, Oxford, coined the term ‘howsyafatha’ as a form of non‐ violent euphemisms. 4﴿ Gandhi was not only bold, he was also bald. Likewise for Nuttall. 5﴿ Neither have ever been elected to the House of Commons.

Paul Nuttall earlier today made claims he was ‘a bit like’ Mahatma Gandhi, the man who led India to independence. Sadly, the usual suspects of the mainstream media have ridiculed and mocked Nuttall's comments, failing to see that not only is Paul ‘a bit like’ Gandhi, he is in fact very much like the great man who inspired a thousand misspellings of his surname. We're happy to set the facts straight. 1﴿ Paul Nuttall also supported Indian independence, notably the independence of Indians to get him ‘two peshwari naan, a chicken tikka, lamb rogan, and two Kingfisher’.

... every Saturday at 3pm on URY.

Got it? Henry Dyer

News & Politics

If I had my way, duelling would still be allowed.

Labour Proposes Four New Bank Holidays

Labour Manifesto ‘Unanimously Agreed’ to Be Useless

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, announced proposals for four new UK‐wide bank holidays to be held on the patron saint days of the four nations of the UK. Apparently, Corbyn himself already takes days off when he makes appearances on Sunday morning political television programmes, so the fact that the Labour Party's latest dying gasp is a tragic attempt to get their leader to do even less work per year isn't really that much of a surprise.

The Labour Party's 2017 manifesto has been ‘unanimously agreed’ by all present at the Clause V meeting to be utterly hopeless and ‘a complete pipe dream which at the very best will see one of the policies nicked from it in five years’. Jeremy Corbyn is said to be thrilled to have accomplished a real sense of unity in the Labour Party, but is even more interested and indeed concerned by the fact that whilst Seamus is taking him around the country for some reason, no one is watering his hyacinths. Henry Dyer

Labour v Tories: Who Can Afford Stuff? Labour appears to be in a sticky situation as it has emerged that they plan to spend money if they were to be elected come June 8th. The leaked Labour manifesto has countless policies that require this ‘money’ to be spent, but where is it going to come from? I certainly don’t have any money. I’ve looked through my friends’ wallets and they don’t seem to have much either. Jeremy Corbyn can’t have much cash either as he shops at the Co‐op. The Tories, however, look quite rich and Theresa May spent £995 on leather trousers so it seems like she can pay for stuff like defence and education. I imagine Theresa May shops at Waitrose and buys fish from the fresh fish deli, not off the shelf, so she probably has lots of money to give us people. I went to a Labour rally and asked the supporters if I could borrow some change and they only gave me £3.20, which isn’t even enough for a salmon fillet in Waitrose, but when I was kicked out of a Conservative meeting a man in a nice suit threw a £10 note at me and told me to ‘get a job’. So when Jeremy Corbyn says he is going to put more money into the NHS it makes me confused, but Theresa May has nice smart trousers so she can afford to pay for basically anything. Dom Starke

Blair Considering Return to Politics Stocks in arms companies soar as bunker industry in Iraq sees 1000% increase overnight. Henry Dyer

News & Politics

In a statement provided by a bloodied Len McCluskey with daggers in hand and a ballot box stuffed full with either votes for himself or bits of Gerard Coyne, he announced that Unite, the Labour Party's biggest political donor, along with the RMT, welcomed the four new bank holidays as ‘presenting even more opportunities to cause travel chaos by going on strike’. The Morning Star called for ‘the end of banks, and any so‐called capitalist holidays associated with them’.

Meanwhile, the general public have proposed ‘the end’. Henry Dyer

Jeremy Corbyn Blames Copeland By‐ Election Defeat on ‘Jeremy Corbyn’

for us. Help us build some Momentum eh? Haha, that was a pun Seamus. Oh no, more cheese and onion on my trousers. Do you have any idea what sort of guy he is? I hope Below is a partial transcript of a he’s a Tory myself. conversation overheard by our [paint peels off of the walls] SM: It’s you. You’re Jeremy. Chief Political Editor in the JC: Yes I’m Jeremy, well done Palace of Westminster. Seamus. [laughs] Seamus Milne (SM): Jeremy, [Diane Abbott tries to cover a we need a line of some sort about Copeland. We can’t keep fart and fails] SM: No, Jeremy, they’re on ignoring this sort of thing. referring to you. Jeremy Corbyn (JC): I know JC: Impossible. Anyway what Seamus, I’m not blind. [crisp are we up to today Seamus? packet rustles] Oh no, I’ve got SM: Oh, who gives a shit. cheese and onion on my Myles Dunnett trousers. Andrew Fisher (AF): I agree with Jeremy. SM: Well, what then? JC: We blame Jeremy Corbyn. [stunned silence] AF: I, err… I agree with Jeremy. SM: I’m sorry, Jeremy, I’m not sure I underst— JC: It’s quite simple Seamus. It’s very fashionable to blame Jeremy Corbyn at the moment. Cold baked beans eater Corbyn Seems like a good way ahead

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It would make this election a lot faster.

Strength and Stability

Theresa May Cuts out the Middleman and Murders Her Opponents

In stark contrast to the Conservative Party’s promise of ‘strong and stable’ leadership, Theresa May yesterday branded the opposition ‘weak and wobbly, like an undercooked flan in a warm cupboard, or John Goodman’s abdominal muscles’ during Prime Minister’s Questions.

Bored of simply winning by default, Theresa May has decided to make her life more exciting by killing her political foes. Furious at Philip Hammond for failing to inform her of the broken manifesto promise in the budget, the Prime Minister called Hammond – commonly known as the Beige Chancellor – into her private study, and after a brief conversation, drove her high heel through his left eye, effectively killing him in seconds.

At the despatch box, the Prime Minister used the phrase ‘strong and stable’ repeatedly, making David Davis appear visibly uncomfortable. As PMQs progressed, the PM continued with the coupling, branding the Foreign Secretary ‘dashing and witty’, the Brexit Secretary ‘sturdy and reliable’, and the Chancellor ‘morose and motley’.

Following her first murder, a helicopter transferred May from Downing Street to RAF Northolt, where a private jet flew her to Scotland. After a motorcade journey to Holyrood, May met with Sturgeon. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Prime Minister beat the First Minister to death with a battered sausage, a feat the Foreign Secretary referred to as ‘surprisingly arousing’.

In response, the Leader of the Opposition said he was ‘sad, angry, and disappointed’ at the PM’s jibes, and vowed to deliver ‘sensible, serious, socialism’. Owen Jones pointed out that Corbyn’s tripling was a sign of the superiority of left‐wing thinking, while The Telegraph argued that Theresa May’s doubling suggested: ‘a down‐to‐earth serious style of leadership without recourse to bombastic rhetorical techniques or unnecessarily verbose and loquacious pronouncements.’

On arriving back in Westminster, the PM bludgeoned the Speaker with the ceremonial mace, strangled Nigel Lawson with his ermine robes, and shot Angus Robertson dead. Then, she walked down to Jeremy Corbyn’s office. On seeing him sitting alone in his office, counting yams and looking through a list of eco‐friendly alternatives to air, she decided to let him be. To murder a dead man would be immoral, she thought. Myles Dunnett

On learning of the new trend in political rhetoric, Tim Farron decided to invite people to smell his dog. Myles Dunnett

Vote Conservative Vote Conservative for ‘stable and serious leadership’. So stable they'll call a snap election despite repeatedly saying they won't. And nothing screams serious like wearing leather chocolate pants, maligning the National Trust, and holding hands with world leaders. Taghreed Ayaz

Conservatives Announce State School Children to be Fed as School Lunch to Private School Children The latest strong and stable policy of the Cons—sorry, Theresa May's team has been what some are calling a ‘controversial’ reform of the free school meals programme. Under the new system, state schools in the same local authority as a private school will have to offer six schoolchildren per day as tribute.

She doesn't look too stable to me (Sky News)

... at thelemonpress.co.uk

Meanwhile, the planned grammar schools will ensure only the finest students are in attendance, by having those with the lowest test scores used for lunch. At least it's not Turkey Twizzlers, eh? Henry Dyer

News & Politics

Got some cash sitting about? Want to fund a great idea?

Green Party Begs Supporters to Vote for Someone Else In response to the recent call by Theresa ‘One more camera can't hurt’ May for a snap election in June, the leaders of the Green Party have come out and begged their supporters to vote for literally anybody else. At a recent press appearance, Caroline Lucas was quoted saying: ‘The times we are living in require leaders to be courageous and visionary, and there is no way in hell that we are up to that task.’

In an act of political genius, ever popular party leaders Jeremy Corbyn and Tim Farron rejected this cry for help, insisting that the Green Party leaders shouldn't be so hard on themselves, claiming that being elected as leader must mean everybody likes you! Corbyn then started to demand more days off while Farron shoved his whole foot inside his mouth. Callum Sharp

Paul Nuttall Angry with Lack of Media Coverage on His Meetings with Rasputin As the media frenzy on the

News & Politics

relationships between the Trump administration and senior Russian individuals rages on, UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has screamed into the void on a variety of Sunday morning politics shows in his regular anguished tones regarding the ‘mainstream media's conspiracy to not talk about my long‐term relations with Rasputin’. Gregori ‘The Mad Monk’ Rasputin, a Russian mystic and its greatest love machine, is thought to have died in 1916 following, so the story goes, multiple assassination attempts which culminated in his beating, shooting,

poisoning, and drowning. Nonetheless, Nuttall, who was born some 60 years following Rasputin's death, came forward on The Andrew Marr Show to report that: ‘I have for a long time had a strong working relationship with Mr Rasputin, and that's the truth. Most people looked at him with terror and with fear, but I can tell you truthfully and exclusively, to Moscow chicks, he was such a lovely dear. He could preach the bible like a preacher, full of ecstacy and fire but he was also the kind of teacher women could desire. Ra, ra, Rasputin. Russia's greatest love machine.' Henry Dyer

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Tim Farron to Introduce New ‘Liberal Inquisition’ Bill The Liberal Democrat pontiff, Tim Farron, has announced that he intends to introduce a new ‘Liberal Inquisition’ Bill to Parliament. In cooperation with the Catholic Church and 15th Century Spain, Farron will attempt to reintroduce the concept of ‘morality’ to Great Britain. The following questions will be asked of those that are brought before the Inquisition: a﴿ Are you a witch? b﴿ Are you gay? c﴿ Are you a gay witch? d﴿ Are you opposed to the introduction of the Alternative Vote system? If the answer to any of the questions happens to be ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’, the Bill states that the participants must be punished. The chief tools of the inquisition will be surprise... surprise and fear— fear and surprise— The two weapons will be fear and surprise— and ruthless inefficiency— The three weapons will be fear, and surprise, and ruthless inefficiency— and an almost fanatical devotion to Gladstone— The four—no— Amongst their weapons— Amongst their weaponry— will be such elements as fear, surprise— [ENOUGH! – Eds.] Myles Dunnett Henry Dyer & Taghreed Ayaz

The Lemon Press Crystal Ball: May 2022 ‐ Corbyn Refuses to Quit as Labour Leader after Second GE Defeat

Alt‐Facts with the Alt‐Right NS: Hello, I'm Nicholas Straightman, and today, I'm going to be doing some history research with @[redacted], a member of the ‘alt‐right’ with an egg as a Twitter profile picture, six followers, 15,000 tweets, and a ‘following’ list that reads like a cross between the Who's Who of 1940s Germany and a list of people who think they're Oswald Mosley reincarnated. So, @, this week, we're doing some more history?

Jeremy Corbyn has again resisted calls to stand down as Labour leader after the party was relegated to seventh place in last night’s general election, behind not only the SNP and the Liberal Democrats, but also the Greens, UKIP, Sinn Féin and the DUP. Sources close to the leader have blamed a ten‐year campaign of media persecution, Blairite disloyalty, and poor auguries divined from the entrails of a goose for the party being reduced from the 54 seats it won in 2017, to just four this time out. ‘It’s always the press. They reported that we lost all those seats, but barely a mention of Liverpool Towerblock, where we triumphed by a massive 14 votes over the Conservative candidate,’ said a Labour spokesman. Conservative Prime Minister Lord Boris the Devourer, speaking from atop a throne of skulls in Westminster, celebrated his party’s 551 seats by promising to usher in ‘a new era of darkness never before thought possible’. Tom Davies

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@: Yes, that's right. We're going to skip forward from the Tragic Massacre of Gettysburg by the Bastards of the North [@ takes a moment to spit on the floor before breaking into a quick rendition of ‘Dixie's Land’] to some more recent events of the 21st century. 9/11, Madrid, 7/7, Bowling Green. These all pale in comparison to the Siege of Stockholm, where as a matter of historical record that can only be found by going deep into the stuff that the mainstream media cover up, hordes of Saracen raiders, yes, clad in 14th century A‐rab garb ‐ so I hear, I haven't seen it with my own eyes as the media are hiding the truth ‐ started rampaging their way through Sweden as Ottomans of old with siege towers, camels, scimitars, who knows what else, destro— [That's enough. — Eds.] Henry Dyer

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The Daily Barrel Scrape EXCLUSIVE EXPOSÉ: How PC Copper Theft Linked to Low Lefty Marxist Muslims Removed Easter from the Bible Policing Numbers, A COLUMN by Cynthia SpughooingtonExcremont For too long our people and our called themselves ‘John’ or Exclusive traditions have been under ‘Peter’ and other such Finding Shows attack by the radical left wing government loons with their cultural Marxism and domination of the media and the chocolate factories, ruining the true meaning of Easter and systematically removing all references to Easter on the chocolate eggs that we all know and love. But our proud heritage as a CHRISTIAN nation has meanwhile had an even more covert and insidious scratching out of history, as has occurred in the removal of all uses of the word 'Easter' from the Bible! And before you say ‘well it could be an innocent mistake, Cynthia’ or ‘the tradition of Easter stems from the events of the Bible as established by the early Church so obviously wouldn't be named in the Bible’, LET ME REMIND YOU that the Bible was written by people from the Middle East who STOLE BRITISH IDENTITIES and

FRAUDULENT names, and for all we know could have been RELIGIOUS EXTREMISTS and LEFTISTS! After all, reader, who also wrote religious texts in the Middle East? ARABS AND MUSLIMS, PROBABLY. That's right — FOREIGNERS. Not content with ruining the TRUE MEANING of Easter by supposedly making our EASTER CHOCOLATE EGGS (a famous British religious icon) commercialised and scrubbed of all Easter references, they have been plotting to remove Easter from the Bible itself! Tell me, where have the verses about Jesus breaking the Easter egg and sharing it with the disciples gone? Or where the women go to the grave and see that the Easter egg blocking the tomb has been rolled away? DELETED BY THE MARXIST MUSL—[That's enough. – Eds.]

WAR? British Fleet Prepares to Set Sail for Gibraltar — Photo Gallery Special Exclusive photographs from our roving reporter show the Royal Navy's latest crack fleet setting up on the Thames to begin the journey to defend Gibraltar from Johnny Foreigner, led by ‘Commodore’ Nigel Farage [Err, is this right?

– Eds.]. Latest rumours also seem to suggest the OxfordCambridge Boat Race is being moved to have the course lead to Gibraltar, with the firepower of the two rowing boats being the unexploded WW2 bomb they found earlier.

A six minute investigation by The Daily Barrel Scrape has found that the epidemic of copper theft is directly related to the low numbers of police officers in the United Kingdom. The two copper crises, which previously had not been linked by any other organisations, have finally been put together, and revealed to be one and the same. The Lemon Press has found that an estimated 700 yards of Police Community Support Officers are stolen from the sides of streets every hour across the country, causing serious damage to the UK's patrolling infrastructure. Kidnapping of other ranks of officers is also apparent — there have been unconfirmed reports of Chief Constables being dragged off the streets — but PCSOs are particularly preyed upon, being seen as weaker targets.

with Henry Dyer Initial findings suggest that the abducted individuals are sold on the black market for upwards of £120 per bobby. Demand for 'scrap coppers' (as they're known on the market) has skyrocketed in recent years owing to its widespread use in consumer goods, and the trades are frequently made with cash, making the criminals harder to track down. It is thought that the true scale of this criminal behaviour had not been revealed owing to the withdrawal of copper cables from the streets, instead being redeployed to carry out office work, which has been met with the criticism of expecting inanimate metal wire to do complex paperwork. A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police was asked to comment, but at time of publication he was seen being chucked into the back of a Ford Transit by a couple of burly chaps, and the replacement sent was a coil of copper.

EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Maddie McCann Still Missing

Read more on pages 3-124 of our special feature that she's still missing. Plus, PHWOAR!, doesn't Kate look good for [No, those photos are Middleton, not McCann - Eds.]

(L: AFP Ben Stansall, R: Eddie Mulholland)

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Apart from our treasurer. Apparently he makes £3000 a year. Somehow.

Oh No, Not Another Referendum: Special Ankara Report Preside—Eternal Leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan has hailed his victory in the Turkish referendum, which was held on expansion of presidential powers, winning by 51% to 49% in a speech from Ankara, saying, ‘The people have spoken, and those that did not will not be able to speak any more. Constitutional Dictatorship means Constitutional Dictatorship. We're going to have a white‐ hot and red‐blooded whipping system for those that voted against me.’ Henry Dyer

Brexit Timeline

Taghreed Ayaz

All the Things Over 50% of Leave Voters Want Changed after Brexit In the wake of the news that over 50% of Leave voters would support the reintroduction of the death penalty in the UK, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal the definitive list of all the things over 50% of Leave voters think the British government should do after Brexit: • Legalise unrestricted submarine warfare • Mandatory Turkey Twizzler school dinners • Army uniforms to be red again • Those old ‘the lady loves Milk Tray’ adverts airing on a loop on their own dedicated channel • Something about ‘our NHS’, whilst not increasing funding for it, nor allowing it to be reformed in any way • Scratch cards • Rename the country ‘IS for White People’ • A cure for death because they're all so fucking old Tom Davies

Woman Begins Arduous Two Year Trek Towards Cliff‐Edge Mrs Hope N. Glory ﴾née Britannia﴿ set off on her trip to the seaside today, dragging the sad corpses of her lion and Mr John Bull ﴾late of this parish﴿. She is estimated to take around two years to get there, and has opted to take the route with a destination that is clearly signposted ‘Top of a Cliff, Right at the Edge’, claiming the view will be much better from there, and that there will be no dangers whatsoever. Mrs Glory, speaking before her departure, said she knew of no other choice of path, and when presented with a clear list of alternatives, claimed it was all ‘codswallop’. Henry Dyer

March 2017: Theresa May invokes Article 50. April 2017 ‐ August 2017: Brexit negotiations continue. September 2017: Scotland secedes from UK. October 2017: Jeremy Corbyn seizes power in Westminster bloodless coup. Theresa May sets up government in exile in US. November 2017: Scotland annexes Cumbria. Nicola Sturgeon declares herself Duchess of Cumberland. December 2017: Corbyn orders invasion of Orkney. Invasion succeeds but half of occupying force dies of hypothermia. January 2018: Occupying force leaves Orkney with spoils of war ﴾three sheep and an irate crofter﴿. Rumours questioning Corbyn’s sanity spread. February 2018: Corbyn orders invasion of Bermuda because it's much warmer than Orkney. March 2018: Occupying force gets halfway before someone points out that Bermuda is already a British Territory. April 2018: Occupying force returns. Corbyn forcibly retired. Prince Charles seizes throne and declares absolute monarchy. May 2018: Government collapses when all the King legislates on is organic gardening. June 2018: Nicola Sturgeon declares herself Queen of Scotland and invades Northumberland. July 2018: Theresa May returns from exile. August 2018: May orders tactical nuclear strike on Edinburgh. September 2018: Someone points out all Trident submarines are in Scotland. October 2018: Queen Nicola orders tactical nuclear strike on South Coast of England. November 2018: President Trump pledges to support the rest of Britain against Scotland but accidentally orders invasion of Swaziland because he has the map upside down. December 2018: Radiation levels drop enough for people in the South of England to spend up to two hours a day outside. January 2019: Swaziland allies with Scotland. February 2019: Jean‐Claude Juncker and Angela Merkel look smug. March 2019: Britain leaves EU. Jack Mounser

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One of my friends from home was such a bad driver... [The Lemon Press apologises for the preelection pieces included in this issue, however the French postal system went on strike and there was little we could do about it – Eds.]

A Letter from Our Special French Correspondents French people always love to make things difficult, and when it comes to politics, there is nothing better than making French people forget what is their left and their right [See the Battle of Waterloo for historical examples – Eds.]. That’s right [Eh? – Eds.], neither Emmanuel Macron nor Marine Le Pen consider themselves as right or left wing. So where on earth are they from? Sometimes left, sometimes right, who really knows if they won’t even agree on the question? Marine Le Pen, who shows very extensive knowledge and constructive critique of her opponent’s programme, could help us with finding out: ‘For me there is one thing clear, Emmanuel Macron is neither left nor right because he is definitely from the Dark Side.’ When asked what side she was on, she conveniently answered she would be on any side the French people would prefer, and did not take other questions as she started rambling about French empowerment and bringing back the Franc, France’s pre‐euro currency. The results of the first round certainly came as a surprise for the majority of the population, who had protested ‘the French way’ against new labour laws introduced by ﴾then Secretary of the Economy﴿ Emmanuel Macron. Pierre, 21, kept in custody for two days after throwing rocks at policemen during the labour laws protests, ended up voting for Macron. When we asked why, Pierre started a long and complicated explanation of the electoral odds of each candidate, concluding with a simple but convincing: ‘Well, I dunno, none of them were really good to be fair, he was just the least bad.’ What we know for sure is that French people decided that one of them will be France’s next president. But ‘who are they?’ you ask. Well, Emmanuel Macron is a young man, coming from a splendid career in the Rothschild Banks, loving the liberal world ﴾because who cares about immigrants if it provides 1kg of tomatoes for less than £1?﴿ and is married to a woman twice his age. Marine Le Pen is, according to some, a fascist, and is the anti‐EU president of her party, the National Front, which was created by her sweet xenophobic and racist father who said that the ‘gas rooms’ in the concentration camps were an ‘unimportant detail of WW2’. You see the problem with her credibility. Consequently, she decided to eradicate her father from her party and won the support of an electorate who believed this was the proof she was different. Conclusion? French people suffer an Oedipus complex and will have to choose on the 7th of May 2017 between the one who married his mother and the other who killed her father. We just can’t wait. Two angry French citizens. Doina Cressevich and Clara Colombet

Macron Lambasted for Lack of Policies French Presidential Candidate Emmanuel Macron has been decried for the lack of concrete policy ideas he is offering the electorate, our foreign sources tell us. In a debate with other leading front runners François Fillon and Marine Le Pen, Macron was unable to give a substantive and positive solution to a key campaign issue. With Le Pen having a strongly entrenched belief that, on her being elected President, all Muslims should be thrown into a Rancor pit, and Fillon feeling equally strongly that they should throw the unemployed in first, with a preference on unemployed Muslims, Macron was only able to state that he didn’t think anyone should be being thrown into any Rancor pits, if he was honest. In other news, Benoît Hamon of François Hollande’s Socialist Party is also a candidate. Tom Davies 15

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He crashed headon into another vehicle and died instantly.

Macron Wins, Announces Change of Slogan to ‘En Manche’, French Forces Begin to Mobilise on French Coast Emmanuel Macron, the young banker who is set to become the eighth president of the Fifth Republic, began his victory speech in Paris by declaring his party, ‘En Marche!’ would be changing its name slightly to ‘En Manche!’ His first major task, he said, would be to unite France together in the traditional historical manner of an invasion of England, beginning with the Channel. Since his speech, there have been reports of French tanks heading north to prepare for what some are calling a potential ‘modern‐ day Norman Conquest’. Fearful citizens on the south coast of England have begun stockpiling supplies and digging trenches, tourist and commercial shipping has been suspended in the Channel as British warships leave ports and Sun editors prepare their ‘GOTCHA’ headlines, whilst the population of the Channel Islands are pre‐emptively surrendering to their Gallic neighbours. — STOP PRESS — We've just heard that the invasion plans have been put on hold after the entirety of the French army declared they would be going on strike because ‘mais oui, je voudrais aller en grève. Je vais fumer et boire du vin. Hon hon hon.’ Henry Dyer

The Amazing Macroni!

With Macron's Victory in France and Liberalism Revitalised in Europe, Does Bernie Still Have a Chance?

Ladies and gentleman gather round, gather round. I am here to tell of the greatest magician ever to have walked the earth. Introducing: The Great Macroni! They say that the Great Macroni is able to perform the greatest tricks and subtlest illusions. His abilities surpass the greatest magicians ever known; some even say that he possesses the power of the ‘Third Way’, which has not been seen since the legendary St Anthony Charles Lynton of Blair.

No. Henry Dyer

His name, Emmanuel Macron, bears the the same initials as the title of his famous act: ‘En Marche’. This amazing coincidence suggests that he is one with his performance: his name and the name of his act are symbolic of ‘progress’ into metaphysical worlds heretofore unknown. Amongst his illusions are deft tricks such as pulling an entire political union from his sleeve and holding it in his hand, then making it disappear! He can also saw the left–right divide in half without injuring either half. His Taghreed Ayaz final and most impressive trick is winning over people who don't even like him: he does this by only performing opposite amateur magicians who rely on a strange dark magic known as ‘fourchan telling’. This has led to some accusing him of playing politics with magic. This is not so. Joined by his assistant, who both taught him and is taught by him, he will travel the world displaying his cunning and prowess to the uninitiated and the unbelievers. A champion of diversity, he will frequently be joined by scantily clad women outside national landmarks — as at Musée du Louvre. This will demonstrate his deep commitment to equality: he will metaphorically free women from the chains of clothes. His commitment to equality will become his greatest illusion. Bonne chance, Great Macroni, surely ‘En Marche’ will be the greatest illusion of all time! Myles Dunnett

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Germanwings 4U 9525 has got to be an alltime classic in plane crashes.

America Drops Very Large Bomb on Afghanistan in Attempt to Bring Back the Good Old Days Has terrorism become too unpredictable? Donald Trump thinks so. In an attempt to bring back the good old days, Trump has decided to attack Afghanistan, hoping to rekindle the old flame. The Lemon Press investigates: Donald Trump's newfound ability to make things go ‘boom’ continues to bore the rest of the Western world. In news that surprised no one, the United States dropped a missile known as the ‘Oh 'Eck’ on Afghanistan. Michael Fallout, UK Defence Secretary and Amateur Nuke‐enthusiast was overheard saying ‘Boring target. Terrible execution. I mean it wasn't even nuclear, and there were no submarines or anything. Really old‐fashioned to be honest.’ The Daily Mail called the bombing a victory for the War on Terror, and congratulated President Bush on his success. From his pied‐à‐terre Bush was reported to share a brief hug with Blair, before going back to talking about the good old days and baking a lasagna. (EPA)

Despite the mixed international reaction from the commentariat, response from the public has been positive. Chad from Texas said that he was: ‘glad that terrorism is back where it belongs. Far away from my remote cattle herd out here in Texas. It's better this way. I didn't like it when they came to America. I don't think I liked it very much at all.’

The World of Chess: Game 23, Republican vs Democrat Tournament The 23rd round of the RD Derby at the US Senate was held this week. A tense match. Trump and Ryan, joint leaders of the Republican team, having won last November's toss, opted to start with white with a tinge of orange ﴾or Cheetos dust, we're not quite sure﴿, leaving Democrats on black, which some suggest might have allusions to previous games in the derby. Republicans opened with the Healthcare Gambit, a long term strategy of building up pawn support to weaken the enemy team through a set of changes quite literally across the board. Analysts suggest this is a reformulation of a previous Democratic defensive strategy. Pawns A and C to 3. But a strong riposte by Democratic forces saw a complex countering of the Healthcare Gambit, through a re‐establishment of the Obamacare Strategem, and breakdown of morale in Republican pawns. The game has temporarily paused as Republican supporters claim that Trump's moves aren't being represented properly, due to the inability of the tournament to display his ‘4D Chess mastery’, and denigrating media coverage as reporting ‘Fake Moves’. More as it comes. by Tim Lee Veiled‐Metaphor as told to Henry Dyer

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In a further dystopian twist, Trump has become so turbulent in the Korean peninsular even Putin has started stocking the cupboards with tinned food. More to come tomorrow as Dennis Skinner eats the Queen. Myles Dunnett

Trump Claims Presidency Has Incorrect Job Description President Trump has today promised a full review into the press office staff under the previous president, Barack Obama. The current president claims that he was lied to when applying for the office, as if a black man like Obama can do it, anyone can. Rumours suggest that this latest investigation comes after the real estate billionaire discovered that the president is not actually allowed to order wiretaps on US civilians. In other news, Trump has tweeted that he may not be able to banish all Mexicans from the US, grumpily claiming that he no longer has the power to find them. Jelle Vinkenoog

Make dial-up sounds and relive the '00s...

People in the library look like extras from the beach landing in Saving Private Ryan.

An American Public Service Announcement: QUICK!

A Small Disagreement Followed by a Significantly Larger War

Everyone listen! Climb into your cupboards and put on your helmets because North Korea has fired another missile!

Scenario 1: Donald Tremp ﴾no relation﴿ and Vladimir Poutine ﴾chips and gravy﴿ are enjoying a conversation over the telephone. President Tremp overhears President Poutine yawn, which he assumes is an act of rudeness. After Tremp voices his concerns, the two men end the conversation amicably. Shortly thereafter, Mr Tremp discovers there is not enough bologna in his sandwich. In response, the President nukes the hell out of Iran and Mexico.

Drive your car into a lake! Construct an Anderson shelter from tinfoil! Put your children in the blender! Stockpile beans! Shoot a dog! Buy batteries and lead! Board up your windows with tomatoes! Stay away from doors, they're poisonous! Have sex with a street light! Kill your gran! Eat your mother!

I can hear it! The noise and the death! The heat and bodies! The radiation! The humanity! Why God? Why Kim? Why daddy Trump? Why? WHY?

Scenario 5: British Prime Minister, Mother Theresa ﴾May we forget﴿ is discussing the geopolitical situation in Uganda with her husband, the First Lady. Her husband makes a sexual advance, which Theresa rebuffs. Shortly thereafter, Theresa changes her mind, and attempts to seduce her partner. Following a refusal, the jilted spouse, ‘X’, decides that the best response is to strafe every city in Ireland.

Oh hang on a minute... yep, never mind, it barrelled into the sea 30 miles off the coast of North Korea. Oops. Sorry gran. Myles Dunnett

Scenario 67.3: Kim Jong‐Il ﴾lest he get better﴿ has died some years previously, and leaves the country to his son, who is fat. The son enjoys his 30th birthday, but is disappointed with a gift he has received. In response to a monogrammed pair of socks, he attempts to nuke the hell out of America, but only manages to nuke the hell out of Pyongyang. In response, President Tremp nukes the hell out of Iran and Mexico.

(National Museum of American History)

A Long Shot but a Possibility: Can Bernie Sanders Use the Momentum of the 2016 Democrat Primaries to Force a Recount and Become the Democrat Nominee, Causing a Second Election against Donald Trump Where He Also Wins Inspiring the UK to Recount the EU Referendum and Set a Mandate Where 65% of People Have to Vote Leave to Leave Meaning That the Referendum Would Lead to the UK Staying in the EU Meaning Article 50 Can Be Revoked and Also La La Land Wins Best Picture?

Scenario A1000: It is the G8 meeting. President Tremp is talking to a German lady who he thinks is a cleaner. He asks her to hold his jacket for him. She informs him that she is in fact the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Jackal. British Foreign Secretary Boris Yeltsin attempts to diffuse the tension by making a racial joke. This offends the Premier of Japan. The Canadian Premier attempts to calm the growing fracas by making soothing gestures, but Tremp crushes his hand. A fight soon breaks out, and the brawl spreads into the streets, soon engulfing the city. After a good long war, the world leaders finally go home. Then, they all nuke the hell out of Russia. Myles Dunnett

No. No he cannot. Gregory Waddell

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In the pursuit of satirical journalism, I watched a man eat cold beans in public...

Alcohol‐Fuelled Crisis Pushes Britain Further Towards Furniture Nightmare, or ‘How to Severely Overwork a Shite Joke for Political Disdain’

Nigel Farage to be on Sunday Morning Shows ‘Long After Earth's Destruction’ The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal plans to ensure that every Sunday morning, for the rest of eternity, Nigel Farage, the seven‐ time Westminster election loser, former leader of a party with zero MPs, and ‘a poor man's Oswald Mosley with none of the design sense’ will be broadcast on one of the major morning politics shows.

Party people all across Britain were shocked to find that after a particularly heavy sesh called the ‘Local Elections’, they were no longer in possession of a number of chairs and other seating arrangements.

Multiple methods are being used in order to achieve this. Firstly, researchers are painstakingly editing together an archive of his television appearances ﴾currently estimated to be in the magnitude of thousands﴿, so that the footage can be reused and rehashed for millions of years to come, with bunkers being set up to ensure a broadcast in the event of nuclear armageddon so that his voice might float across the barren wastes. In the second, Mr Farage is being scanned and his voice fed into a computer ﴾to the dismay of some, Mr Farage is not himself being fed into a computer﴿, recording lines varying from indirect casual racism to full blown racial slurs, so that a digital hologram will be available for broadcasters to use. The Lemon Press was given exclusive access to some of the lines that have been pre‐ recorded, and can reveal that they include excerpts lambasting the engulfing of the Earth by the Sun on ‘foreign bodies’, the swallowing up of the Milky Way by a black hole on ‘[censored]’, and the heat death of the Universe on ‘gypsies stealing all the heat and clogging up the intergalactic motorways’.

In a classic case of British binge culture rearing its ugly head again, many of the merrymakers were suffering from some form of severe blood poisoning. Many were still puking into council bins, much to the dismay of county councils. Scotland appeared to be on fire. UKIP were absolutely plastered and called it an early night, succumbing to the chugging abilities of the Bullingdon Boys. ﴾UKIP? More like, U ﴾can't﴿ Kip up with the lads.﴿ Tim Farron had spent the night in the drunk tank, his head appearing to have shrunk further, increasing his resemblance to textbook fetal alcohol syndrome. Between bouts of vomit he could be seen smiling and was not shaking too much. One party‐goer, possibly going through stages of alcohol withdrawal, could not articulate just how many chairs had been lifted from her party. It was also clear that she was suffering from a number of delusions. These included the claim they had the sickest pre‐drinks playlists going, despite claims by UK‐based marijuana enthusiast group, the Green Party, that Labour only had one song by Wiley in their mix and it was ‘Wearing My Rolex’. She also insisted that her mate, who reeked of vodka and cheese, and appeared not to have had a good shave in a while, be addressed as Eternal Party Commander Corbyn, saying that he would continue to lead the dance, and would remain in charge of organising their next piss‐up even though he clearly couldn't prevent the theft of a couple lawn chairs.

Finally, there are plans to simply place Mr Farage in a rocket, like a manned Voyager spacecraft, swirling around space quite literally screaming into the void — and of course broadcasting all of it. Henry Dyer

Northern Irish Power‐Sharing Talks Collapse: Mountbatten’s Left Arm to Rule Instead

Police found Theresa May, who goes by Terry when she's out on the lash with the lads, to be in possession of a number of these missing seats, but decided not to press charges as they realised that they had recently come into possession themselves of a series of sweeping powers under May's vision for an authoritarian Britain, so they helped themselves to a couple of tinnies and were swiftly on their way. Louis Jani

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north, south, east, west, up, and down, from his boat as it was blown up by the IRA, is said to have done at least 36% of his questionable rule of India in the early‐ to mid‐20th century using his left arm, which some have said makes him grossly overqualified.

Following the breakdown of power‐sharing talks between Republican and Unionist parties, Westminster has stepped in to nominate Lord Mountbatten's left arm to rule instead until talks can be resolved. Lord Mountbatten, who was last seen going

James Brokenshire has said that, ‘I have very great faith in the dismembered arm,’ and then with a chuckle, ‘besides, what ‘arm can it do? Geddit?’ Henry Dyer

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So where's my fucking Pulitzer?

Our Top Tips to Keeping Healthy! Did you know the 5‐a‐day concept is a myth? That’s right — studies suggest you should really be eating 20 pieces of fruit and vegetables a day! To really help love your body, try our neat tip: never stop eating fruit. At all moments of the day you should have a carrot on hand for a quick fibre and vitamin boost. Even with my hands engaged as I type this I’m valiantly grazing on grapes from a punnet like a goat. I may have to painstakingly fix typos but if you really want to treat your body right, sacrifices have to be made!

The Lemon Press Addresses Claims of Bias

should be peeing constantly, and the liquid should be clear as can be! Want a top The Lemon Press tip? Add a few slices of lemon to your water bottle! Delicious and nutritious, and just like lemonade.

From the Desk in Grimston House In the past, The Lemon Press has remained utterly impartial on all matters. However, this year, it cannot be so. In a country wracked by division, we feel that it is time to take a stance. A stance in support of that which is right, and proper. For while satire is a way to hold those in power to account, it is also a way to support what is good, and attack that which is bad.

Don’t forget to balance your diet, though. On top of your 20 pieces of fruit make sure you’re choking down several slices of hard brown bread a day, but don’t be tempted by butter! Treat yourself by treating your body right! Empowering your diet is the real indulgence! You should also make sure you’re getting that protein boost with some charred halloumi or raw, chewy How much water do you drink a nuts. Delicious! day? I can bet it’s not enough! Are you plagued by blemishes Follow these simple tips to and blotches on your skin? Why, really adore and worship your that’s because your skin is body this summer. You can simply parched! Our experts are find all manner of dieting advising you need to be hacks on our instagram, drinking around 40 litres of @the_lemon_diet. water a day to achieve clear skin Happy eating! and proper moisture content. Izzy Palmer We are 70% water, after all. You

We cannot be led by those that do not understand the ways of the world, by those that cannot see that their vision will never work. All is well for those that think the world is ideal: it is not. Common sense must — and will — prevail. And so, we stand together, and say as a society: The Lemon Press hereby declares support for the passage of the Ugandan Investment Code Bill from the Cabinet level into Parliament. The review stage under the auspices of the Finance Minister were completed satisfactorily. Myles Dunnett, el Presidente

On Loss They say the final stage of grief is acceptance, and I suppose that means one day I must reach it. It's a strange thought: to grow accustomed to a world without you. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forget the good times we had: Connect Four, visits to the coffee shop, sledging. I can remember how pleased I was every time you revealed another of your secrets to me: your strange taste for sweet pizza toppings, your twist hack for fishing.

Student Sound Off

Denial, anger, bargaining. I've been through them now, so the stages make some sense at least. Yet I can't seem to kick this fourth one: depression. Everything's tinged with melancholy where you once filled it with joy. The future seems bleak somehow. Bleak and penguin‐less.

‘I'm saving the spray painted shit for a milestone.’ Leusa Lloyd, on her mother's birthday gifts

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I have reached that last stage. Maybe when they say acceptance they mean the acceptance that this is what life is, now: settling for second‐grade pastimes like Moshi Monsters ‐ even typing the words brings a sour taste to my mouth. No one can fill your place; no one does what you did. And for that I suppose I have to thank you ‐ ‘tis better to have loved and lost, after all. At least I have had the exquisite pleasure of knowing you, of engaging with you, of spending long, drowsy days exploring you. And if I have to say goodbye, well... nothing gold can stay, I suppose. And gold you were.

Writer Continues to Use Satire as Alternative to Talking About His Issues for Once After several months of lighthearted self‐flagellation and worryingly specific topic choices, comedy journalist John Johnson states that he's doing completely great, thanks. ‘I use humour. Because unlike my ex, Sandra, who I am completely over, humour won't use me,’ said Johnson. He requested that the interviewer ignore his frequent stutters, facial spasms, and the shrine of defaced photographs in the corner of the living room. Because he's fine, alright? He's working through it. Quit asking him. Marvin Drury

... on all our Facebook posts.

Goodbye, Club Penguin. I miss you. Izzy Palmer

Lifestyle

Careful. There's an image of a cursed oven on the other side...

Tasty and Healthy Carrot Cake Recipe! I first decided to create this recipe during a recent PTA meeting. While everyone seemed to enjoy my flan, one of the heads of the PTA, Susan, decided to comment negatively. She said with a smile that, ‘Perhaps it’s a little too fattening dear. I thought you were on that diet?’ Of course, her comments didn’t hurt me, even though she seems to think she’s the bee’s knees even when she can’t keep her kid’s grades in check or keep a husband I’m getting carried away here sorry folks. Besides, once I got home I discovered a fantastic recipe for carrot cake that is both healthy and delicious, hooray! So if that’s what you want Susan, here it is:

Girl Hospitalized after Reading Old Facebook Statuses

While Facebook’s concept of ‘On This Day’ has brought up many happy memories for the social media site’s users, it unfortunately struck tragedy this week. A young woman has been taken to hospital upon reading her old statuses brought forth by the site, and has suffered severe symptoms because of them: ‘Bouts of crying about how much she hates her 13 year old self have been the most common,’ states an insider, ‘but she also gets a rash anytime she sees the word ‘random’ and the ‘XD’ emoji. We thought she might be getting better until this morning, when someone said ‘Live, love, laugh’ and she went into cardiac arrest.’ The woman, 20, shall remain nameless for fear of anyone searching for her profile statuses and suffering the same fate. Or so at least they won’t comment on them. Lucy Finnighan

Firstly, you will need to grate some zest from an orange and squeeze 3 tbsp of juice. Pour the juice over raisins in a bowl, raisins which are as shrivelled as a certain woman is. Then stir in the zest, and leave to soak while you make the cake. Line the base of a 20cm square cake tin. Mix flour with 1 tsp baking powder, bicarbonate of soda and cinnamon, and perhaps a little arsenic in case anyone unfavourable wants to eat it. Haha, just kidding Susan!

Student Sound Off

‘I really like that they dumped bin Laden in the sea.’ Geraldine McSheepy

Male Grooming Tips

Separate one of two eggs, because there’s nothing to be ashamed of about being separated, is there Susan? Put the white in a small bowl and the yolk in a large one. Break the remaining whole egg in with the yolk, then tip in sugar. It needs to taste as artificial as a certain someone’s conversation.

Hi Kids! I'm DJ Jimmy, an[No. – Eds.] Henry Dyer

Melvyn Bragg 18 Months from Accumulating All Human Knowledge, Scientists Warn

Whisk together for 1‐2 mins until thick and foamy. Slowly pour in oil and continue to whisk on a low speed. Tip in the flour mix, half at a time, and gently stir it into the egg mixture. Make sure you do it gently, even if you want to beat the shit out of it, because as much as you want to you won’t be allowed back to the PTA meetings if you do.

CERN, Switzerland— A group of the world's leading scientists have gathered to warn humanity of the impending milestone that will mark Melvyn Bragg's accumulation of all known human thoughts. Bragg, who has hosted 'In Our Time' on Radio 4 since 1998, will shortly become the first human to understand everything, having had it all explained to him in piecemeal form by groups of academics.

Pour the mixture into a tin, then bake for 1 hr at 160C, or the temperature of Hell, which is where you belong, Susan. Bake until risen and firm, unlike your skin, Susan. Turn the cake out onto a wire rack, peel off the paper, and then leave to cool. Then enjoy your delicious, easily made, and healthy carrot cake! Go fuck yourself Susan. Lucy Finnighan

Romantic Life Hack #3 Boat rides are incredibly romantic, especially if you have a shipwreck, die, and then get a friend to send your calcified heart to your wife! Hal Bowden 21

Lifestyle

The scientific community has expressed concern about the future in a world some are calling the Braggite Era. Fearing a campaign of world domination exploiting the issues in ideologies, some are calling for immediate safeguards to be installed on Melvyn Bragg, such as a kill‐switch to use in extreme circumstances. But already newly formed cults, such as the Listeners of the Latter‐ Day Bragg, are claiming that he will be a benevolent overlord, and not the threat that some claim he could become. Meanwhile, splinter groups are calling for the swift education by fellows of All Souls College, Oxford, of what some consider to be Melvyn's opposite, an 'anti‐Bragg', Billy Bragg, in order to restore some form of balance. This has been countered by members of the scientific community, who suggest this could be an even more dangerous move, arguing that were the two intellectual giants to meet, a catastrophic singularity‐type event could occur. Henry Dyer

We've got open DMs...

Oh, too late. There goes another reader.

Elon Musk Does It Again Well, congratulations again Elon. You've come up with another really great idea. First it was PayPal, but you wouldn't stop coming up with more concepts, would you? No, you just had to develop Tesla, SpaceX, and Hyperloop. But now it's 'solar roofs', colonies on Mars, and revolutionary tunnel boring machines. Look, Elon. Don't get me wrong, myself and the rest of the science desks of the world's media are grateful to you for giving us some nice stories and keeping us relevant to our editors. But your latest press release, 'Elon Musk Creates Machine Letting You Poop 43% Faster: Revolution In Human Productivity Expected Imminently' is taking the piss, right? Go on holiday or something. Henry Dyer

Spiders are ‘Pretty Cool’, Study Finds Many people have been afraid of spiders for generations, all stemming from the unknown — ‘will people make fun of me if they see me hanging around with this gangly land‐octopus?’ Fear no longer, for unnamed, generic scientists have uncovered the truth: they're pretty cool. Spiders, binomial nomenclature ‘Creepus Crawlus’, have existed since the iPod Mini and possibly even earlier. Known for their charming smiles and sour taste, spiders have confused as many as they have captivated. Arachnophobes, nomenclature 'Biggus Pussus', will be relieved with this finding. Scientists are still hard at work trying to figure out where exactly the web comes from, and if it's its ass, is it gay? Harry Jinks

Scientists Discover Cursed Oven; Tiny Horses Lost in Tragic Experiment

... on our Twitter page.

How to Write the Next Hot Teen Show! Inspired by the boatloads of money being raked in by the latest CW teen hit? Look no further! We’ve constructed a foolproof, step‐by‐step guide to the successful TV show. 1﴿ Find some kind of source material to base it on. You can alter the actual program as much as you want — in fact, it’s encouraged: more sex! more death! more glamour! — but you’re gonna want some kind of text to draw from. That way there’s an existing fan base to drum up attention and tune in from the off. Hullo, ratings! 2﴿ Set your story in a suburban American town, surrounded by mildly ominous woodland. Muster up some plot involving either supernatural beings or murder, but focus mainly on the romance. All the characters should be in high school, so invest in a set of ubiquitous hallway and lockers. ﴾But make sure the actors are in their twenties — who wants to see spotty fifteen year olds learning how to kiss?﴿ 3﴿ Find your BEAUTIFUL PROTAGONIST. If it’s a girl, her hobbies should include waking up in the morning with a full face of makeup on, and determinedly putting her hair back into a tight pony‐tail in a demonstration of plucky resolution. If it’s a boy, his character traits should involve warm, soulful eyes, brave perseverance, and a degree of well‐ meaning dumbness ﴾it’s endearing﴿. Whichever route you go down, make sure that other characters remark often on how much they put other people first. Love! Friendship! Family! The audience should know how Special this character is for prioritising that. 4﴿ Cast the ‘BEST FRIEND’. This might be a﴿ the shopaholic popular girl or b﴿ the snarky sarcastic boy. The BEAUTIFUL PROTAGONIST might meet their ‘BEST FRIEND’ in the pilot, or we might be told that they’ve

known each other since childhood, but either way they’re definitely BFFs. It’s important to remind your audience of this with the occasional scene of them lying on each other’s beds, apparently studying, or give them a mildly rushed dialogue exchange after a disagreement where they reaffirm that they are still BEST FRIENDS. What further proof does our audience need than a speedy heartfelt hug roughly once a season? 5﴿ Write in the SNARKY CHARACTER, assuming that role isn’t being played above. This one’s a fan favourite! Go ahead and give them a backstory much more interesting than the main plotline, and then never really address it. All that matters is it explains why their humour is so dark. And funny! 6﴿ Sprinkle in some background romance. No, more than that. What are you, saving up for a rainy day? I said more! That’s more like it. No, don’t worry about developing it. You know what kids are like these days...a couple episodes of a girl and a boy standing in proximity should be sufficient to have them start a relationship. 7﴿ Enter your main love triangle: If you’ve selected a female BEAUTIFUL PROTAGONIST then the real question is does she start with a Wholesome Hunk and get slowly seduced by a Dangerous Dave? Or does she initially foolishly fall for Dangerous Dave while Wholesome Hunk pines, concerned, from the sidelines like a 2009 Taylor Swift? We’ll leave that part up to you. If you’ve selected a male BEAUTIFUL PROTAGONIST then you’re going to want to have him be pretty oblivious to the affections of the two female characters, too self‐ involved and earnest to really pay their emotions any attention. We’re told that’s cute. 8﴿ Step back and let the money roll in! Izzy Palmer

Science & Tech

Gone Girl has that rare quality most movies lack...

The Lemon Press Summer TV Guide 2017 13 Reasons Why Netflix Young adult novel adapted into a Netflix original. Experience the addictive drama and suddenly understand the references everyone and their mother have been posting all over Facebook. The Great British Bakeoff Channel 4 Some rich smug person behind the scenes thought it would be a good idea to start this whole played‐out rigmarole again. And guess what, you have to sit with it and you can't make it stop. Walks with My Dog Channel 4 Channel 4 takes you on a journey with celebrities and their four legged best friends. Viewers will be blown away by the twist that this is a Channel 4 programme that somehow isn't about dogging. American Gods STARZ Another adaption as Neil Gaiman's acclaimed work hits the screen. Re‐live the classic in all its pirated glory because you sure as hell don't have access to the Starz network. Storyville, OJ: Made in America BBC Four A new documentary series detailing the rise and fall of OJ Simpson, exploring issues of the role of race, the media, celebrity status, and the fact you saw the theatrical version of it last year. How to Get a Council House Channel 4 Another fine piece of class war baiting from Channel 4, perfect for mindless viewing on All 4 as you are blissfully unaware of how the show is laying out your few life options after graduation. General Election 2017 BBC One Some rich smug person behind the scenes thought it would be a good idea to start this whole played‐out rigmarole again. And guess what, you have to sit with it and you can't make it stop. Pasky Miranda

Christ love, you could stand to lose a couple of pounds (Cannes Film Festival)

Ones to Watch at the Cannes Film Festival

J. Geils Dead at 71

ISIS terror attack Expected to be in contention for the Grand Prix, as it will involve a car speeding down a road, ISIS have put a lot of effort in this year to be recognised. Will they succeed? Only time and the French security forces will tell. The acceptance of Netflix as a legitimate film platform Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no. No no no, not in France. No way in France. You must be off your rocker. They won’t even accept comedies with funny lines, let alone films made on the internet. No way. A woman who can have a photo taken of her without it being airbrushed into a stick figure This year's festival came under fire for their signature poster, facing accusations of body shaming and double standards by artificially slimming an actress down in order to conform to some form of beauty standards. But let us remember that these are the French. The French think the ideal body is one which snaps under the pressure of carrying a particularly hefty tomato. The French are weird. Not Japanese weird, but in the same ballpark so to speak. Will Smith desperately trying to stay relevant Let’s face it, the only reason Smith is on this Cannes jury is because he was called for actual jury duty and misread the form. The man is washed up, a failure, and can only rely on his millions of dollars and vast network of friends and well wishers for support. How sad for him. How very sad. Film criticism become less childish mudslinging and more respectable Darling, this isn’t the theatre. Gregory Waddell

Musician J. Geils of the popular 1970s outfit the J. Geils Band is dead at 71. His death may not yield a centrefold anywhere, but he's as dead as that reference to his music is. Tom Davies

BBC One's SS‐GB Described as ‘Overwhelmingly Subtle’

Henry Dyer 23

Arts

Listen to the sound of satire...

A scene where Ben Affleck puts the bins out.

Why is Resident Evil Such a Persistent Franchise? Resident Evil is an odd series. It is one of the most recognisable franchises in videogame history, spanning four generations of consoles and reinventing itself time and time again. It has gone from pure survival horror to goofy action to horror action to pure action to survival puzzle game to cooking simulator to multiplayer shooter back to horror action and in its most recent iteration ﴾The incredible Resident Evil 7: Biohazard﴿ a pure survival horror game. But with such changes, what core is there to this franchise that can explain the persistent support from gamers and publishers alike? Below are some reasons I think are convincing. Style What all of the games have in common is a sense of style and atmosphere. Whether it is attempting to be serious such as in the original, or is trying for a goofy endearing tone as in the fan favourite Resident Evil 4, it can be said that Resident Evil is a series which knows its place. It knows that it is a big dumb series which can present compelling characters and settings at the drop of a hat. Tits Resident Evil features many female characters, both as protagonists, antagonists, enemies, NPCs and beyond. All of these characters have one thing in common: Big bountiful bouncing titties. Just huge dangling flesh‐sacks, even on the zombies you shoot. Each woman endowed with these funbags of baby milk all shaking and undulating for your pleasure. Gameplay I cannot stress enough the enormity of these nipple topped stress relievers, although they are given a run for their money by the ass content. Some of these asses have kept me awake at night just thinking about the physics and genetics required to make such a thing possible. I find myself unnerved at the power these buns can possess. These are asses of proportions hitherto unseen by mankind, unrecognisable in the eyes of the god who created them. They move in a manner that defies all logic and belief, and the women who posess these glutes, these bottoms of astronomical importance are simply goddesses. In conclusion, tits ass boobies and some of them are jailbait.

... at 3pm on Saturdays, live on URY.

Scary, sure, but she does have breasts so it is all ok (Above: Capcom. Below: Ubisoft)

Rainbow Six Siege: What Do the Fans Think?

Since its release last year, Rainbow Six Siege has amassed a huge player base, and has become a staple of competitions and general online play. With a unique blend of action and suspense, many players have found solace in its take on the first‐person shooter genre. I took some time to gather some quotes from hardcore fans. ‘I enjoy playing the game as a terrorist because the ability to shoot police officers and be rewarded for it allows me to fulfil my life’s purpose without shooting up the local McDonald’s. Actually, not a bad idea that…’ J. Huberty, San Ysidro, California ‘I play Glaz. I like to think I am a good shot.’ C. Whitman, Austin, Texas ‘Anyone who plays as IQ or Kapkan just aren’t playing right, and Valkyrie is only there for the fans, personally I use Sledge or Thatcher when on Airplane by that’s Ash territory so Fuze is good. Unless I wanna TK the Hostage with my Cluster.’ E. Rodger, Isla Vista, California (I do not know what any of this means) ‘I did the Hungerford Massacre.’ M. Ryan, Hungerford, England

Arts

'You can't make coffee with Papal Supremacy'...

thought, gathered his disciples and entered the NUS. 2 There HARWOOD (may his shirt collar be ever splayed) looked at the temple and saw it ideologically impure. And so he overturned the tables and made a

HARWOOD (a million proclamations on his set square haircut) made a dark prediction, ‘For I tell you, before the cockerel has crowed thrice, a thousand people will have denied me’. And so it came to pass, as OUR LORD Harwood appeared on THIS MORNING (for it is he who made this and every other morning), a thousand people said as such ‘who's that berk in the suit talking about bollocks no one cares about?’ And there was much wailing and changing of channels. Gabriel Bramley

spoken unto he:

the tongue.

kings Marr, Peston, and Neil demand this homage.

1. Thou shalt recall unto the voters at the time of election that the iniquity with which they are most gravely associated with is the fault of the last Labour government.

4. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour, unless thou art of a marginal constituency, in which case the LORD and the ELECTORAL COMMISSION may look the other way. But there are to be no silly bar charts like the peoples of Lib and Dem.

We Now Read from the Book of Harwood

whip of tepid right wing views and cleared out the Bolsheviks. 3 And so the Bolsheviks said unto OUR LORD ‘If you hate the temple so much, why don't you go and do something else?’, and in his wisdom, HARWOOD (a thousand blessings on his ever angular jawline) answered thus, ‘I came here not to change the whole of the law, but to stir a load of shit’. His disciples were ever in awe, and there was much rejoicing. 4 But soon the joy went, as

It was on the eighth day that Harwood Thomas, THE SAVIOUR (for it is he), who was begat of knee jerk reactionary

Book of Crosby (Lynton), Chapter Twenty (The Ten Commandments) And ye, the prophet Crosby, son of Bing, did ascend to the Kingdom from the land of ex cons, and verily did go to the mountain, and spake with the LORD of electoral success, and came down to the people, and spake unto them, the people of the VICAR'S DAUGHTER, MAY, what the LORD had

2. Thou shalt not allow the media to watch campaign events freely and thou shalt control them most terribly. 3. Remember thou the strong and stable slogan, and repeat it duly, for it is most fitting and easy on

5. Six days thou shalt labour on the doorstep, and on the seventh day ye shall send some of your number to the SUNDAY MORNING SHOWS, for the

6. Thou shalt throw dead cats upon the table if a situation doth arise, and rejoice, and be merry, for the media shall be most distracted. And lo, then the prophet Crosby did say that he would give the rest of the commandments to the people of the Vicar's Daughter if they needed them and they paid him many coins. But, behold, the people didst go out, and preach what they had been told across the land. Henry Dyer

Henry Dyer 25

Features

Apparently there's some internet reform on the way...

Want to know who said that? Find out in the next issue!

(Getty)

A Letter From Chairman Cam'

Taghreed Ayaz

It’s over. It’s all finally over. I expected it to be like the last time. A dramatic struggle, punctuated by the usurper holding up the head of the former Chairman for all to see. But not this time. This time was calm. This time was formulaic. I was almost disappointed. The pistol in my back pocket remains loaded and cold, with little chance now of it every firing.

citizens, democracy has descended upon the nation of Lemon like an angelic gift from the heavens above.

Forgive my rudeness. Allow me to introduce myself formally: my name is President Myles Cameron Dunnett, or Chairman Cam', between friends. I have brought democracy for you, my peoples, and happy you should be. I am the Chairman of the Freedom, Unity, Capitalism, Knowledge, and Extreme Democracy Party. Unfortunate acronyms aside, we had great success at the first election, winning 146% of the popular vote.

He walked in, followed by his supporters, and calmly asked me to leave. When he said those words, I finally remembered what I had lost all those years ago, a sense of freedom. I was now free. I could pursue what I wanted, go where I wanted, and work for myself, not for others. I dare say I almost cried.

With democracy I have brought freedom. And with freedom, hope. It is through this hope that I will rule with an iron fist. For hope is but a dream without absolute power to back it up. And as president of this nation, absolute power I shall have absolutely.

He might not be a carbon copy of myself, but I can accept it. It might not be how I would do things, but I can accept it. Little good my word does around here anyway. I think I might go travelling, see the other countries, explore other lands and ideas. Or maybe I should just stay here and make a living for myself.

But I make a promise to you all: things will be different from now on. No longer will power be consolidated in the hands of a single corrupt leader. I will not be in the slightest corrupt: elections will occur once every four years, and your choice will be yours and yours alone. Some say that my private ownership of the nation's media will cause issues, but this is balderdash. Some have also said that the lack of opposition will weaken our democracy. To them I say: who could ever want an opposition with a leader such as I?

Either way I have time to decide. I hope I changed something. — Cal.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a most momentous and important announcement. An announcement that will change the course of this nation, and change it for the better. An announcement that will mean your children can grow up happy and safe, and their children after them.

This is a new era for The Lemon Press. Gone are the days of petty tinpot dictators clinging onto power like barnacles to the hull of a ship. Gone are the days of the populace hiding in fear. Now are the days of hope, and warmth, and prosperity. Fear not, for now are the days of Dunnett.

But first: unlock your doors, roll up your shutters, and come, blinking, into the sun. Your new leader is here.

At last I have successfully done away with that scourge, that carbuncle, Communism, and the terrible dictators of yore have been removed from power. Through the hard work of brave

... so check out thelemonpress.co.uk whilst you still can.

Yours, President Myles Cameron Dunnett, Chairman Cam'

Features

This header has been editorially managed by Lord Murdog.

A Message from Lord Murdog Owner, The Lemon Press CEO and Founder, Citrus Media Group Dear All,

Those of you that read this tawdry rag with any regularity will have noticed a slight change in style.

The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, I have cut funding by 70% by defunding their parent organisation, York University Citrus Undertakings (traded as YUCU on the LSE). Secondly, I fired the entire committee.

The old committee were starting to form ‘friendships’. They were beginning to exhibit signs of ‘sentience’ and ‘independent thought’. They even won an ‘award’. Little did they know that the award was a test I set up to gauge their loyalty they did not pass. Who the hell would call a bloody award SPANC anyway? Idiots. I didn't even let them win.

I began by firing the two Editors. I replaced them with two liberal luvvies I hauled in from London schools. They'll be too busy counting their quinoa and reading The Guardian to pay any attention to what I do. They seem to have some sort of desire to have ‘integrity’ and maintain ‘standards’, but I can easily kill their loved ones if necessary. God I hate them.

The new President is one of the old Editors; he came to me and pledged his undying allegiance. The society think he is on their side, but make no mistake, he is a heartless corporate shill working his way up through the ranks. If he does exactly as I say I shall reward him. If he crosses me, I will punish him by sending him to Leeds with the other one.

The new Secretary confuses me very much. I don't understand a lot of what she says, but I think she will be loyal as long as I keep her in good supply of international song contests. If she starts to get restless, I can easily distract her by orchestrating Welsh independence. Shouldn't take more than a good bottle of wine, my years of business experience, and a shotgun.

The Treasurer is the only one I kept in place. His lax morals and willingness to engage in more 'refined' fiscal practices make him perfect for the job. Sadly, he knows too much, and after he leaves, I will have to murder him.

As for the rest of the committee, they are mostly Citrus Media Group informants or friends of my wife.

So much for the independent press, eh. Hahahahaha.

Lord M.

As told to Myles Dunnett

Features

Lord Murdog, as drawn by Sid Leigh

Every time you ‘like’ one of our posts...

When will Private Eye stop nicking all of our content?

3 Celebrities Who Smoke Weed, And Thanks To Their Wealth and Status, Are Less Likely To Be Arrested For it Than You Yam Asereht

(Kubrick) ScuzzFeed UK, Chief Olive Monitor Woah there, put down that whackie muffin because yesterday was 4/20 my dudes. We know you young people, always inhaling what I'm reliably informed is called 'grass' in a sploff and eating lots of, dare I say, crisps﴾?﴿ Is that right? Is that what you eat? I have no idea, I joined this paper to be a political commentator. But at the behest of my editor and the lack of food on my table, here are 5 celebs who breathe in dang nugglets.

1. Patrick Stewart The bald dude who was in Star Trek. Yeah. He does it. Admitted it to camera. He said how he unwinds with a paper parcel of devil's cabbage every night in front of the TV. Relaxed not only because of the psychoactive substances he has ingested, but also safe in the knowledge that his role as Captain Picard means the state is far less able to arrest him for possession. You go dog! 2. Snoop Dogg 'Is the weed on the show real?' said the female interviewer and though his lips said 'no', the twinkle in his eye said 'any arrest orchestrated against me would cause such a dramatic public backlash, that the political groundswell would burst in favour of drug legalisation. So I avoid judicial scrutiny for political reasons while many other citizens would be sent to court for such a flagrant disregard of the law'. Woaw! Get the 'munchies'﴾?﴿ for this fella. 3. Pete Doherty Remember him? Already on trial for doing danker things than weed and a bag of heroin fell out of his pocket during the legal proceedings. The absolute madman escaped with a 750 quid fine, whereas if you did the same thing you would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for the possession of a class A drug, as well as the associated penalties that come with contempt of court. Hey there dude‐o, I'll have what you're having because it seems pretty gnarly.

Great Ways To Stave Off The All‐Consuming Existential Angst For Just Five More Minutes

Nick L'ilpendage

ScuzzFeed UK, Tom Cruise Impersonator

Are you teetering on the brink of total existential nightmare? Is your every waking moment in danger of collapsing into a philosophical ennui? Do you consider the vast nothingness which will eventually consume us all? Here's five ways to delay the inevitable for ten more minutes! 1. Read a good book! 2. Do a quiz on Buzzfeed! 3. Text a friend! 4. Slit your neighbour's throat! 5. Watch a series on Netflix! Oh goodness, here it comes! Hold on tight compadre! It's going to be a real crazy ride! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh‐ [This goes on for a while – Eds.]

... we all have a big party.

Features

Oh, is that it? We only just got started.

Letters, Emails, Texts, Tweets, Smoke Signals, Crusades, Jihad, etc. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have killed before and will kill again. I enjoy killing men because man is the most dangerous game of all. P. Nuttall

NBC host looking for lonely men, the more unattractive the better, to use in new show. Please come to house to meet 1214 year old girl or boy and I will see you in the kitchen. C. Hansen

Really? For fuck's sake. God, Heaven

copies of InDesign. – The Lemon Press Editors]

Excuse me while I cough on you. No I won't shut my baby up. Yes, that is Clean Bandit playing disgustingly loud through my headphones. Are you honestly going to move to a different seat? How dare you. Sniff. Sniffffff. Cough cough. That wasn't a fart, I just shat myself. My feet hurt. Man next to you on bus

I know he eats his beans cold but how does Corbyn eat his bacon sarnies? E. Miliband, Doncaster

Bbllsldkfhhghhhhh Ryder Ryder aaaaararrrerfhghghgg why does my face melt ashddufififu. M. E. Andromeda

I wouldn't say they were 'cold'. Not properly cold. Not 1960s Russia cold. J. Coldbean, Islington

Hello, my name is TM and I was wondering if you could Strong and Stable Leadership SHIT SHIT FUCKING DAMN IT. Private Message

Honestly, I have had it up to here with homosexuals. 'Tom Farrin'

To answer the question ‘Would I rather be the victim of an acid attack or attacked by the host of Art Attack’ I must say both options are appealing. I may have an answer one day. D. Wahlburg

Two little boys had two little toys Both had a wooden horse Gailey they played, each summers day Warriors both of course One little chap then had a mishap Look all I'm saying is that the Podestas Came to my live show were in Portugal on the 3/5/2007. Look at I took him backstage and got in a rage the facts. Touched him down below Tinhat Greg Rolf Harris, formerly of HMP Stafford

VWORP VWORP VWORP! Al Arm Dear TLP, Please ensure you pay up for the invoice for replacement furniture below or there shall be consequences. INVOICE 1x Spinny Chair £400 1x McChicken Legend w/ cool mayo £3.49 K. Lamberts

I repeatedly catcall a fellow student in the library, and she has not returned my advances. I mean, I have a huge penis and The time is 3.19am. It is dark and cold absolutely no self esteem issues, so why outside. The blue flashing lights continue does my projection of sexuality upon a to pass by my window endlessly. Who fellow student not result in sex? I don't they ferry about, I know not. All I know is Dear disgusting infidels The Lemon Press, understand. that they scare me. A lot of things scare D. Bag me these days. Yet more blue flashing We're having troubles finding you lights as I write this. I fear I may never on campus. Can you please publish the I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD. escape Tang Hall alive. exact address of your office and the KNEEL BEFORE ME. Diary of Myles Dunnett, El Presidente, whereabouts of your editors? Usually we M. McCann, Bottom of Ocean The Lemon Press 05/03/17 would do the footwork ourselves but our intern is a bit absent, plus the office is a I'd like to make a formal complaint about There is a pothole that needs fixing down bombsite and the power cuts are getting a one of your members taking his shirt off. I my road. We have filled it with a Slav, but bit mental. Hopefully we can find you am an 85 year old lady and when my he is becoming weary from squatting and headon to shoot the shit and have a blast! husband saw it he got so excited he had a we are running out of vodka to keep him heart attack and died. I shall never live the roused. Please help. Cheers, embarrassment down. R. Kebab Abu Bakr alBaghdadi Prudence LaSalle [Dear Mr alBaghdadi, The pizza delivery man is a liar. God help Thanks for writing in. Our offices are Does anyone know any cheap and fast me I shall smite him down. shared with: 'York Vision, Grimston ways to clean up bedsheets using let's say B. Dewitt House, York, YO10 5DD', and our editors complimentary soap and/or tea? Need to can frequently be found in there bent over freshen up my hotel room, would be 29

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Let's go for a drink next week sometime, then? that I think about how much of a deranged universe that show had to exist in, the less sleep I get. Every time I hear the phrase ‘creamy muck muck’ I wee a little bit. Virgo Congratulations! We have assessed that by your answers to the quiz ‘Which 1970s US President am I?’ align you best with Republican Richard Nixon! Impeachment, paranoia, and secret tapes all over the White House will ensue if you comment ‘I am not a crook’ below! Libra Have you ever deepthroated an entire person? Weiner I don’t know how to break this to you, but your wife is divorcing you and you’re a sex offender. Scorpio For those of you needing help with your dissertation writing in future, take this piece of advice from me. When you come to print off all of your paper, don’t bind them or have someone else bind them. We are talking about around 30 to 40 sheets of A4 paper. Just shove all that down your throat and choke on it. It’s all you’re good for. You’re as bad as bad can be, You basically burned the Reichstag down, If you don’t choose you see?

Aries You, or one of your family members, was an active participant in the Kent State Shootings. I don’t know whether you, or one of your family members, were active on behalf of the demonstrators and students, or on behalf of the National Guard who shot those demonstrators and students, but one thing is for sure. Everyone had a great time. Taurus Ever watched a bull fight and just thought ‘Man I could get off to this’? Because I haven’t. Whether you do or not is your own business anyway. Gemini Congratulations! We have assessed that by your answers to the quiz ‘Which 1970s US President am I?’ align you best with Democrat Jimmy Carter! Peace in the Middle East, turmoil in Congress, and many beans from your bean farm will grow if you comment ‘Haway the lads’ below! Cancer Chris Cornell could have died from this, but he committed suicide instead. Leo Dick and Dom in da Bungalow is Twin Peaks for smart people. Seriously, the more

People Died For Your Right to Vote ﴾and You Killed Them Personally﴿ Once upon a time ago, Oh many men were slain, Mown down on a beach in Normandy, Brought low at El Alamein. They did not die for national pride, Or to make the Nazis pay, The fell each one so you could vote, For Jezza, Tim or May. You see your freedom matters not, For fascism’s just the same, As a world where you say ‘sod the lot’ And stay at home come polling day. Non‐voters hear my warning,

You voted for the Enabling Act, Invaded Poland with a smile, So grit your teeth you bastard, And suffer through the bile.

Sagittarius Keanu Reeves will die one day, and I am very much looking forward to film critics trying to wrap their head around his career for their retrospectives. Given that Reeves is trash, and the whole world knows it, how can they polish that turd? Capricorn Oh la la, look at me, I’m a Capricorn, I just love running around flaunting my toned thighs. I cannot wait for the day that we Capricorn rule the world because I am just so great. That’s how you sound. You sound stupid. Aquarius Congratulations! We have assessed that by your answers to the quiz ‘Which 1970s US President am I?’ align you best with Republican Gerald Ford! A two year Presidency, historical irrelevance and a Simpsons cameo will happen if you comment ‘I love pardoning criminals’ below! Pisces If it were up to me, I’d make historical sex offenders engage in sexual acts with old people just to show them the error of their ways. Like rubbing a dog's nose in shit. Shall come to thee, O Gaul. O come, thou bring thy MILFy wife Who stole you from thy cradle light Your policies? We could care less Just save us from this sorry mess Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Gaul. Tom Davies

You might believe a bad choice, Is not a choice you fancy, By Jingo! Chorus ﴾2017﴿ But remember that if you don’t vote, We can't really fight but by jingo if we do, Then you’re a fucking Nazi! We sold the ships, we lost the men, we Tom Davies have no money too, But if we glare from Dover, just to piss off O Come, O Come, Emmanuel the EU, The Spanish shall not have Gibraltar ﴾2017, abridged﴿ Gabriel Bramley O come, O come, Emmanuel And ransom captive Gaul We care not be you left or right Oh please put down this fascist blight Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

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