Ah, fresh blood.
Editors’ Introduction
Contents
Listen up: this Editors’ Introduction is for Freshers, so the rest of you can piss off. I’m being serious: if you’re old and gross like the two of us take your custom elsewhere you grotty bunch of lecherous pensioners. Right, down to business.
pp 3‐13 pp 14‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐28 pp 29‐30 pp 30
Hello my dears, welcome to York [Chin up, could be worse.]. Our names are Myles and Henry, and we are the Editors of The Lemon Press. We are Masters (students), and have been in this society for a very long time [too long]. We actually joined this society before you even did your GCSEs! Wow, what a long time ago that is! We’ve been Editors for a long time too (two years – wow!), and we’ve also held other positions like Deputy Editor and even society President. One day you can be all of those amazing things too! There are so many opportunities for you at The Lemon Press, and we’re really excited to meet you [Are we?].
Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Letters Puzzles & Poetry
As for us, we are but humble vassals: great, aching, yawning, soulless urns into which clever and talented satirists pour the fruits of their labour and ingenuity. Neither of us remember our original names, but I suspect they were exotic, like Cain and Abel. We are but flesh-sacks, who have been stripped of all our worldly possessions, and any sense of individuality we once tentatively held.
The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Henry Dyer and Myles Dunnett
Deputy Editors: Hal Bowden and Will Rowan Sub Editor: Sioned Gill Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace)
Elections will be held for Section Editor positions... take their place:
When we joined The Lemon Press hot lava spewed from an enormous volcano just south of where Nisa now stands. Then came the ice and the snow. Next came the sun, and melted our hearts. We now find ourselves in a new dark age: the age of YUSU. But you, my dear, dear, children, are beautiful, naïve, doe-eyed, non-eternally-damned humans, with hope in your heart, and fear in your bellies [Should we change this to beer?]. So read this magazine, come and meet us, and release us from this immense suffering by driving a stake through the space where our hearts used to be. And then, you, yes you, my dear, dear, darling, children, can take up our mantle, and become as great as us.
Campus Editors: Sioned Gill and Hal Bowden News & Politics Editors: Harry Clay and Durrah Afyouni Lifestyle Editor: Kathryn Sandercock Science & Tech Editor: Mark Matthews Arts Editor: U. N. Owen Features Editor: Marvin Drury Sports Editor: Cole Smith
Illustrators: Sid Leigh (Front Cover and various), Henry Dyer (Back Cover and various), Lucy Purkis Charters, Louis Jani, Holly Palmer, and Will Rowan
No, not yet Nurse! Don’t take us away from them yet! NURSE I NEED MORE TIME!
President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Marvin Drury
Vice-President: Lucy Finnighan Social Secretary: Nick Meadowcroft-Lunn
Myles Dunnett and Henry Dyer
Ordinary Member: Giles Beattie
Contributors: Louis Jani, Ben Walker, Jack Harvey, Ashvini Rae, Izzy Palmer, Tom Davies, and with special thanks to Pasky Miranda.
Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Please note: This is a satirical magazine. Quotations and facts likely to be inaccurate. Produced 25th September 2018.
Hello there. Keep reading.
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Articles you might see in future editions of The Lemon Press:
Starts: 04 October/Winterfylleth 2018 18:00 pm Ends: 05 October/Winterfylleth 2018 03:00 am
jorvik’s biggest and best bar crawl! 4 different t-shirts 4 different routes 1 massive bar crawl through jorvik and beyond! Viking Raid is the perfect introduction to the varied nightlife that jorvik has to offer. Each route starts on campus at one of YUSU’s bars, with a free shuttle boat taking you to town before you make your way from bar(ricade) to bar(ricade), ending up in one of the OFFICIAL YUSU clubbing-a-monk venues.
WARNING: Viking helmets and longboats are compulsory. GLASSHOUSE
dusk
popworld
fibbers
A&E
Regrettable One Night Stand with a Housemate
VERMILLION ROUTE: Let’s face it, your kitchen facilities are crap! Why not totally avoid going in there all year by sleeping with one of your housemates on your very first night out as a flat? It’s fine, you’ll end up hating all your housemates anyway so why not go out with a bang? (Literally.)
V BAR
society
stone roses
flares
north sea
emerald ROUTE: The concept of uni getting to you? The thought of all those lectures, those seminars, your housemates. Why not leave in style, wearing your brightest green as you float on a longboat out to the north sea and beyond.
derwent jcrc
yusu presidency
west bank
persimmon ROUTE: Fancy getting involved in your student community and making a real difference? Feeling inspired by some of our greatest leaders and want to follow in their footsteps? Well, sounds like this is the route for you. Remember to bring a helmet though -- climbing the greasy pole can get dangerous!
courtyard
lindisfarne
cerulean ROUTE: Want to throw it all the way back to 793 AD and party like the Vikings? Remember, it’s not a good night out until you’ve pillaged a monastery and enslaved some monks! Ashvini Rae 3
Campus
Having a good time? Fancy some more?
Durcan's Inferno: Your Guide to the Rings of Hell at YUSU
What the F is a Nouse?
Nouse (pronounced ‘N-ooze’)* is an occasionally award-winning, occasionally readable, student newspaper. Usually we’re a bit more Guardian but in honour of Freshers’ Week, we’ve decided to be a bit more working-class. We’re being a bit more crass, before we inevitably crawl a bit more into our more snobbish mannerisms and look. Watch out for your new flatmates from private schools. We don’t usually censor either, by the way, because we’re the ones who get censored. I’m just putting the word ‘fuck’ in here to look a bit more edgy. Speaking of being properly fucked, welcome to the Nouse office! An experience rarely mentioned outside of student journo circles. No pressure, eh? I wouldn't exactly agree with that phrase, as bad things happen at university too, there’s academic stress, hangovers, fights with housemates, fights with friends, awful hook-ups et cetera, et cetera and a bit more et cetera [Subs – please edit this run-on sentence - Ed.]. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll drink a bit too much, you might run out of money. It’s a mess really, but that’s just Nouse. Same as life at uni. Embrace the choas – it’s a new drug on the market – it’s going to get weird, and amazing, and awful [Subs – please sort out grammar]. As soon as one aspect of the paper gets sorted, another part seems to turn into a bit of a complete shit show. Crying is okay. Especially late night on prod week. We’ve all been there. By the way: fuck. I love York. The architecture here on campus can be a bit questionable, but the city is a bit lovely. We have a bit of a brilliant sense of community, whether that’s the collegiate system, sports teams, societies, or synchronised wailing to the national anthem when the YUSU President enters the room. My advice for making the most of it all? Get involved, there’s so many things; [Subs – please ensure we know how to use colons and semi-colons - Ed.] student media, musicals, pantomime and drama, student media, concerts, free food, student media, football and every other sport under the sun. I’ve been to Baracelona and Prada with my subject society, and passed out in Fibbers more times than I can count. Yes, you do have a degree. Well, actually, you don’t until you’ve done it and graduated. Use your time well, make sure you put your best into your work. Fuck. Lastly, it’s important to say Freshers’ Week is different to the rest of university. Freshers’ Week is an event lasting over a period of time, whereas the rest of university could be a period of longer time, a place, architecture, the organisational structure of the institution, and more. Your flatmates might not seem like your best friends straightaway (or ever), your coursemates might not seem like friends, your Open Door counsellor might not be your friend... in fact, you might end up with no friends. If that’s your situation, there’s always Nouse. I’m technically in charge of Nouse’s arts and culture supplement. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing, half the time. Fuck.
*[Izzy – whatever you do, don’t describe how to pronounce ‘Nouse’. You’ll deprive me of my Editor’s Note. - Ed.] Words by Izzy ‘Please Don’t Write Any’ Moore as told to Anon.
Who the F is The Lemon Press?
Where the F is York Vision?
This is an urgent appeal. The student tabloid known as York Vision has not been seen for several months, and there are concerns about its welfare. Vision was last seen with a red top in the Grimston House area.
A bunch of two-bit hypocritical reprobates who think they're much funnier than they actually are, described as having the right to ‘write what you want’ by a Guardian journalist.
Please contact Finn Judge/Jim Fudge at the YUSU offices if you have any information about its whereabouts. We've got all sorts of content online.
Alumni can be found at such glamorous location as: HMP Belmarsh, HMP Wandsworth, Guantanamo Bay, and Doncaster. Why not join? We are looking for writers, cartoonists, and anyone else interested in satire with a side of journalism across print, online, video, and audio. Membership available for £5 online or catch us at our stall in the Vanbrugh Arms during freshers' fair.
7pm on Thursdays. Weeks 1-5 D/L/049, Weeks 6-10 D/L/116.
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YorHealth: Tinctures, Herbal Remedies, Ointments, Cures and Miracles...
A Freshers’ Guide to: York's Cultural Lowlights
Once the delusion that you will spend all of your time drinking and trying to get with someone wears off, why not consider exploring some of cultural experiences York has to offer? And, even better, why not consider some of the worst ones? The Lemon Press presents its guide to the cultural lowlights of York.
1) The Official Most Haunted and Spooky Ghost-Filled Night of Terror Walk Experience This ‘experience’ is sure to be a disappointment. Prepare to be left unamazed by the guided walk around such horrors as ‘Lendal Bridge’, ‘Nunnery Lane Car Park’, and ‘Museum Gardens’. Listen with a quizzical look as you are reassured that the spirit of a dog who was hit with a shovel in 1925 STILL lingers. And whatever you do, don't ask why no children are allowed on the walk even though none of the content is inappropriate for kids. Just don't ask. Or look up the name of the operator. There are no answers, honest. 2) Pissman Steve's ‘Fluids’ Art Exhibition, King's Staith Purchase a pint from the King's Arms and
wander down to look at the latest masterpiece from resident York artist, Pissman Steve. Daubing his various fluids on the public canvas of a wall or the pavement, Pissman Steve raises serious questions about the personal and the political, 21st century metaphysics in Yemen, and where on earth the North Yorkshire Police are. Lucky visitors may find the opportunity to become a canvas themselves, winning a smell-filled souvenir, and a stink that will never leave you. 3) Live Music at The Shank and Sharpener, Just Down A Dark Alley This ‘quirky’ pub offers two rotating ales (don't even bother asking for a white wine) and a rotation of gormless musicians — the room rotates too, if you drink enough — droning into an open mic. With dismal performances of ‘Wonderwall’ that make Liam Gallagher seem talented, this is a night to be missed. Don't look at the bloke in the corner, either, unless you want to find out why the pub has such a curious name.
4) DramaSoc, Drama Barn With a repertoire ranging from ‘Hamlet’ all the way to ‘A Midsummer Night's Dream’, this incestuous campus-based troupe are better than the RSC, presuming that the RSC have been hit by a mortar. Based in a building that isn't fit for housing livestock, you too can enjoy sitting on a deeply uncomfortable seat while Peter, a second year PEP student, mindlessly performs a soliloquy as he thinks about how much he wants to shag Juliet. Of all the terrible evenings you could have in York, these guys nearly have the worst one on offer. Nearly. 5) ComedySoc, Hell True depravity, devoid of any enjoyment. I guess you could say they ought to put a ‘SOC’ in it, eh folks? Please clap. Don't forget to vote for me in the Chortle Regional Comedy Awards (second heat, quarterfinals)! Whatever you do, don't cross their paramilitary hit squad, the Shambles, lest you are forced to watch their improv. I'd rather watch an improvised explosive device. Besides, their meetings clash with The Lemon Press, so you'll have to pick one. Choose wisely. Henry Dyer
Fake Freshers’ Events You Can't Miss
Tickets may be selling, you might be missing out - don’t let that happen! Our freshers’ wristband gives full access to ALL EVENTS for a reduced rate. Book early and book often to avoid disappointment. Freshers’ Fair Fast Track: If you live life in the fastlane then you’ll want to be in the freshers’ fastlane. Beat the queues, let others abuse your email inbox, pay up-front. Slice of Domino's pizza included. VIP Lecture Seats: Taking a cue from cinema chains, you now have the golden (and time-limited) opportunity to reserve the best seat in the room. Recline in plush leather while you let knowledge wash over you. Pre-order a wide range of snacks and drinks from our à la carte menu, with delivery to your seat before the lecture begins. Escape Room (Shawshank Experience): It will begin with a bank heist scenario where you and the rest of the team have a limited time to empty as much from the tills as possible. When the time’s up, hand us the money, and see how long you can outrun ‘the plod’. The best times will be added to our leaderboard! When you get caught you’ll be taken to an incredible escape room - we’ve got lots of guys in there who’ll try to help you get out. FakeTaxi: This isn’t Streamline™©®. ‘It’s Lit’ Fire Safety Experience: Why listen to other’s recounts of terrible fire-related adversities when you could be at the centre of it all? For three hours we’ll help you set the scene - candles, blocked exits, highly combustible items. We’ll light the match and let you bask in the heat of the moment. You’ll have three minutes to not just leave the building, but to learn vital life lessons. We’ve got you (and the smoke detectors) covered. ‘How To Spot Fake Events’ Training Session: Some unscrupulous people will take your money in bad faith. Shocking, I know. We don’t want you to fall victim to such a cruel ruse, which is why we’re introducing a brand-new training session. After just one hour, you’ll be able to spot a fake event, resist the urge to buy the ticket, and receive a complementary ‘I wouldn’t go to a fake event because I am an informed consumer’ t-shirt. Will Rowan 5
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So now we're going to plug it.
...Brought to You in Conjunction with YUSU
Rambly Nonsense Masquerading as Satire for the Amusement of Freshers and Other Mouth‐Breathers Yeah welcome to York, well done, big fucking whoop. Here’s an article you’ll like – it’s about colleges. See you like it already don’t you? I want you to know before you start reading that I hate you. I’m sure that would have become clear as you read on but it’s important to me that you know. QUIZ (or some shit like that): Which College Should You Be In By What Type Of Fresher You Are Type A: Attractive, sporty, popular. Abestos jokes, clubbing, hockey. You have it all. By which I mean, absolutely nothing. You are a vacuum, and anyone who spends more than ten consecutive minutes with you will be sucked into the void that is your personality. Answer: Derwent. Type B: Sullen, sarcastic, cynical. I hate you the least, which isn’t saying much. I’ll talk to you, but only to make myself feel better. Answer: James (don’t ask why because I don’t care enough to answer) Type C: Loud, obnoxious, confident. Oh, you loathsome creature. What brought you to York? I’m sure you will find success but I hope that death finds you first. Answer: Vanbrugh. Type D: Reserved, studious, kindly. There is a special place in hell reserved for you, bookworm. People might like you, but I won’t. You will die alone. Answer: Constantine. Type E: NURSE! FIE ON THEE DEMON! YOU SHALL NOT TAKE MY BLOOD TODAY! Answer: Alcuin. Type F: Loner, strange, detached. I will hate you but I’ll pretend I like you because you make me nervous. Answer: Halifax. Type G: Indistinguishable, featureless, mass. I couldn’t even pick you out of a line up if I’d known you all my life. Answer: all the other colleges I forgot. Type H: Scared, nervous, excited, unique, beautiful. You feel that same mixture of anxiety and hope that fills the belly of every fresher on earth. You are beautiful inside and out. You have your flaws, like everyone, but you’re a decent person, and all you want is to make friends, and to be loved. The only reason anyone would be mean about you is if they themselves were a jaded postgrad, wishing with all their might that they could go back to those days when the troubles of life seemed like a distant hurdle - one they were sure they could overcome. Answer: you know the answer. And now the chorus intones as one: ‘ohhh now we get it – it’s not us he hated, it was himself all along. He probably even has some daddy-issues to boot.’ Oh great, everyone’s a psychoanalyst these days. Just like my fucking dad. University of York Welcome Committee
Starting with Facebook. Like us. Or else.
Thing We Can’t Talk About Now OK to Talk About Over the last few editions, we have tenaciously reported a story about a story we couldn’t talk about. After the story recently broke, we are now pleased to announce that: we can talk about it. Of course, we can’t actually give you any of the details, so we can’t say anymore, but know this: now we can talk about it, we won’t stop talking about being able to talk about it. This is surely a victory for the free press. Myles Dunnett
Fresher Looking Forward to Exploring Identity as a Total Piece of Shit Peter Knowles, a Human Geography and Environment first-year student from Redditch, Worcestershire, is looking forward to coming to university to explore his identity as a total piece of shit. Speaking to The Lemon Press, Knowles explained that having lived a fairly quiet and inoffensive life, he was hoping that the combination of time spent away from his pleasant family and mingling with a wide range of other people would allow him to ‘really find myself’. ‘I'm hoping that these new experiences will help change my outlook on life. I'd really like to be an intolerant bastard in the future, so I think if I start at university, I'll set myself up well for adulthood. ‘I'll start with a few risque “jokes” to just get going, but it won't be long before I start berating people for being different. I want to stand out, though, so I'm really going to focus in on the Sikhs, or at least people I think might look a bit Sikh. Add in a tablespoon of sexism, and a dash or two of outright racism, mostly online, and we'll really have something. Oh, and I'll make some HILARIOUS jokes about attack helicopters and snowflakes. Really funny, original stuff.’ Knowles listed his other hobbies and pastimes as: drinking, films, ice hockey, regular hockey, hatred, and ‘HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH THE LADS AYYYY’. Henry Dyer
Students Born in 2000 Arriving on Campus Fuck off. Absolutely not. Crawl back inside your mother's womb, that's totally unacceptable, who gave you the right to be so old. Get off my lawn, too. Damn kids. Are you even old enough to drink? Go back to playing Fortnite and doing your GCSEs, or whatever it is you youth do. Bloody hell. World's going to pot. You, probably. Bastard. Henry '1997' Dyer
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Rejected Film Pitches: 'Mary Poppins Returns: The Great War'
Latest from The Lemon Press Foreign Desk: Durcan’s Speech Translated From the urban wilderness of Central Hall, The Lemon Press’s foreign correspondent Ella Fay sends this translation of a recent speech given by YUSU President James Durcan, bellowed through a megaphone at the new undergraduates. Yusuese Hello and a warm welcome to York! My name is James and in February last year, students across campus elected me to be your YUSU President.
English Hello and a warm welcome to York! My name is James and in February last year, students in James College elected me to be your YUSU President.
I’m here with Finn, James, Steph and Zac to tell you about who we are and how we’re here to help.
I’m here with some people, whose names most of you will forget, to tell you who we are and how we’re here to get in your way.
We are your Sabbs – Full-Time Officers here to represent you. We were elected by students on manifestos and ambitions for changing York students’ lives for the better.
We are your Sabbs – work experience lackeys thinking about our careers. We were elected by students on manifestos and ambitions we stole from last year’s candidates.
We’re supported by our Part-Time Officers, students who volunteer their time for you. Their mission is to represent the communities and groups that exist on campus.
We’re undermined by our Part-Time Officers, students who volunteer their time for you. Their mission is to constantly cause problems for YUSU rather than go after the University.
Over the summer we’ve been working hard to flesh out our manifesto ideas, prepare the year’s activities and make sure your first year of study is the best year of your life!
Over the summer the staff have been breaking to us how ridiculous our ideas are, so we’ve cut out the stupidest ones to make sure our year is the best year of our lives!
There are hundreds of student societies at York for you to join. Honestly, there’s something for everybody here and each one will be different. Why not try something new?
There are hundreds of student societies at York to shock you with their joining fees. Honestly, there’s something for everyone here as long as you’re in the middle class. Why not just go out on the town?
There are also three hundred and sixty-five bars, pubs and clubs in the City of York so you’ll be sure to find the perfect place for you and your friends to meet!
There are also three hundred and sixty-five bars, pubs and clubs in the City of York, which is where, let’s face it, most of you will be spending your time.
And hey, if you’re still not satisfied with our range of societies, you can start one up yourself!
And hey, if you’re still not satisfied with our range of societies, Finn and James have asked me to recommend joining Nouse.
I’m delighted to add that you are all members of a college. I got involved with my college committee and it gave me so many good experiences and happy memories. I hope you’ll get involved in college life too.
YUSU is at pains to add that you are all members of a college. I got involved with my college committee and it gave me such a headstart for becoming YUSU Prez. I hope you don’t forget about colleges this time next year.
Later this year, you can take part in our elections. There’s so much to do: you can be a candidate, or support your friends as part of their campaign teams, and have your democratic say in who runs the Union.
Later this year, you can drive us mad in our elections. There’s so much to do: you can complain incessantly, tell us we should do things that we’re actually already doing, or just vote for RON.
We strongly believe in accountability. That’s why, every week of each term, you’ll find out about what we’ve been up in our newsletters and social media posts.
We’ve learned to regret our accountability. That’s because, every week of each term, you’ll find out about our constant fuck-ups in student media and through Facebook gossip.
You’re welcome to pay us a visit in our office and we’ll be more than happy to sit down with you and listen to whatever you have to say.
You’re welcome to pay us a visit in our office and we’ll be more than happy to tell you to email us with whatever you have to say.
So – have a good rest of your week and we’ll see you soon! Make the most of your time at uni and remember: there is no single right way to be a student!
So – have a good rest of your week and we’ll see you soon! Make the most of your time at uni and remember: we will be watching you. Also, avoid The Tab.
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Comment is Free: Progress are the True Heirs to Pablo Escobar's Legacy
Sabbatical Officers Recover Following Neurosurgery The Sabbatical Officers are recuperating following successful neurosurgical operations carried out last week, The Lemon Press reports. Late last week, the Sabbatical Officers went under the knife in order to receive state-of-the-art cybernetic implants to their brains. Each operation was performed by local medical staff and observed by medical students of the Hull York Medical School. The cybernetic brain implant, designed by leading academics at the University of York, is intended to dampen areas related to ingenuity, independent thinking, and critical enquiry. Though it has been described by naysayers as ‘indoctrination,’ a YUSU spokesperson assured The Lemon Press’s slick science reporter that the operation is an enhancement which will ensure that the Sabbatical Officers ‘perform at optimal capacity in their roles.’ Each operation was conducted under powerful anaesthetic, except in the case of Jim Fudge, who reportedly told nurses while flexing his muscles that he was ‘man enough to take it without the drugs.’ The brain surgery concluded a week of intensive physical and psychological training provided to York’s new generation of elected full-time student representatives. Earlier, in Birmingham, York’s Sabbatical Officers met the Officers of other Students’ Unions to receive a comprehensive re-education from NUS specialists. The team were made to listen to speeches, delivered in monotones, played on cassette tapes in dimly-lit rooms. According to extracts that The Lemon Press’s intelligence team was able to acquire through a politely-worded email to whomever is in charge, the Sabbatical Officers listened to voices professing their love for liberation, insisting that they aren’t ‘careerists,’ and vigorously denying their affiliation with the Conservative Party.
The move to give the Sabbatical Officers brain enhancements has been the subject of much heated debate since some high-profile instances of malfunctioning implants came to light. The brain of Thomas Ron, formerly the Academic Officer, overcame the neurological programming induced by the implant; it is understood that, despite ending his tenure years ago, Ron continues to parade around the YUSU premises, presenting staff with orders and dressing down anyone who claims to be a Sabbatical Officer. ‘There have been problems, yes,’ remarked Professor Ludicrous Lloyd, the pioneering neuroscientist responsible for final design of the implants. ‘We’ve had some bad luck in recent years. Not every brain has responded in the way that we had predicted and sometimes a little side-effect or two appears several months after the operation. ‘George Offer spoke only in Swiss German. Ben Leatham thought he owned a series of inexpensive pawn shops. Scott Dawson ate nothing but liquorice. Millie Beach forgot the concept of denial. These minor misgivings aside, I’m confident that the newest model, which is a product of my design, will mean that these side-effects never occur again,’ Professor Lloyd insisted. The Lemon Press visited the local hospital to seek comment from the Sabbatical Officers. James Durcan, the YUSU President, emerged from one hospital wing to tell The Lemon Press’s correspondent that he was looking forward to getting out there, meeting students, attending their meetings, asking for their views, listening to their views and blah blah blah, before being promptly sedated by a passing nurse and carried back to bed. Cheerful as always, Steffy Hayle added that she was excited to work with students to make the student experience better, though she admitted that she didn’t know what exactly could be changed in light of YUSU being ‘flawless’
...@thelemonpress. Follow us. Don't follow us home.
and ‘functioning perfectly.’ The Lemon Press understands that over the summer period, each Sabbatical Officer has received training that is tailored to their individual strengths and weaknesses, aiming to improve their performance and counter any problematic tendencies. ‘We’ve done some excellent training for each Sabb’, a YUSU spokesperson told our correspondent. ‘Each Sabb had their own unique preparation and help to get used to the role. For example, we’ve worked with James Hare to make sure he can smile without a look of distinct constipation.’ Writing for some non-ratified blog or other, one scientist has been critical of the training programme. ‘With the brain implants, the brainwashing has been completed,’ writes Dr. Crayon Stickinsect. ‘Now the Sabbs will be at the beck and call of the YUSU staff, impervious to the suggestion that YUSU is ever wrong.’ When asked to comment on this turn of phrase, Professor Lloyd stated that she wholeheartedly disagreed with this description. ‘This is a very unfair judgment and I completely reject the suggestion that the “brainwashing has been completed,”’ Professor Lloyd told The Lemon Press’s reporter. ‘The truth is that the brainwashing is only half-done.’ Also keen to respond was Zac Sheppard, the York Sport President. ‘Brainwashing? YUSU would never brainwash anyone,’ he told our reporter from inside the gentlemen’s changing rooms at the York Sport Centre. ‘YUSU is the kindest, most well-organised, most benign institution in York, perhaps even in the country. I can’t remember the last time I thought YUSU made a mistake and, if I ever did, I know I was the one who was mistaken.’ After they have convalesced, the Sabbatical Officers will move on to the first item on the agenda in their year of improving students’ lives and working to stand up for their interests: posing for photographs.
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Staffordshire, Herefordshire, Do We Really Need Some of These Counties?
Trial‐by‐Student‐Media: YUSU Guilty of Crimes Against Architecture A central graphic in YUSU's ‘Love York’ campaign has been found guilty of heinous crimes against architecture. The so-called ‘depiction’ of York Minster, designed by a YUSU employee, has seen use in YUSU's branding across social media, and is to be used in t-shirts worn by YUSU staff this academic year. In a trial at Courtyard presided over by Mr Justice Fudge, the desecration-by-design of one of the finest and varied examples of English Gothic architecture was described as a ‘worse crime of destruction than the loss of Palmyra’ by the prosecution, a very angry and irritated writer (yours truly). Charges were brought after the design was seen to completely fail to grasp the majesty of the architecture. The image depicted the west front, which has the marvellous ‘Heart of Yorkshire’ glass, with no semblance of a heart at all. In its place, a generic arrowhead shaped collection of ‘stained glass’. The crimes continued with the central tower (height of 72m for any Russian fans of cathedrals out there) being drawn to the same height as the west towers (56m). The stained glass Rose Window, imperious above the lancets, in the South Transept was completely out of the picture. Design woes continued with the image being used as part of the 'Love York' campaign, cropped to focus on the abominable west front, encapsulated in a heart. Yet another blunder saw the heart with part of its left hand side cut off. This error seems to have been rectified, in place of a different error, for the t-shirts, where the point of the heart falls not in the middle of the west front (where the Heart of Yorkshire should be), but bizarrely on the southern tower of the west front. Commenting on the design, [This bit is actually 100% true - Ed.] Ben Brock (@cinemashoebox), who ran the ‘Cathedral World Cup’ (York came second) on Twitter, told The Lemon Press's reporter that ‘the heart one is a particularly impressive missed opportunity considering the west front window famously DOES have a heart-shaped window’. He added: ‘I suppose this sort of thing comes out of not thinking at all about the specifics of a building, just “what does /a/ cathedral look like?”, not “what does /our/ cathedral look like?”’ YUSU, taking a generic approach leading to poor results? That'd be a first. Henry Dyer
Spot the difference... (YUSU social media, photograph of the Minster by Jack Pease)
Current YUSU Satisfaction ‘off the Chart’ The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that satisfaction with YUSU this year is ‘off the chart’, if you don’t include this year’s data! Our polling methodology relies entirely upon the apathetic majority, only concerning itself with students who could swear to us that they would never vote in YUSU elections—even when a substantial ‘voting incentive’ is offered. Will Rowan
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Staunchly embracing Web 3.0
What Else Could The 'White Man's Burden' Refer To?
Student’s Terrible Fate Sealed by Fatalism, Not Abysmal A Level Results Meaningless. Just letters on a page - all part of the script he’d followed since birth until his inevitable death. That didn’t stop the regret. The fact his life was a play in two parts - pre results and post results, was not influenced by the content of those results themselves. It fell on deaf ears, as it was always going to. If only…, what if? It’s only what you did and that which you didn’t, no if, just when. The lightning bolt wanted to reach the Earth and he was the bridge. Unpreventable. The lightning reached the ground 1.5 seconds before he collapsed upon it. No serious injuries; he had an interview in a week for a job which he had to be rejected from. Necessary. If he hadn’t been rejected then he couldn’t have been rejected the day after, and the week after that. The whole sorry affair would have to continue as long as necessary, it must. Seeking a fresh start, he moved to a house three miles from his final resting place. Inescapable. Straddling a rocky outcrop, from his residence you could nearly see where the dope fiend would misjudge the bend. Spinning, whirling mess, the washer finished later than usual. Hurrying along to the car, slipping out of the drive and into fresh country. Only a flinch, stomach sinking while flying. Floor. Ceiling. Floor. Ceiling. Floor. Death? No. Chattering voices and flashing lights so bright. Out of hospital, first time bathing alone. He let that water wash over him, nothing he could do. Wash, wash, wash that wretched soul that had never been soiled with choice. Straining to sleep under the ripples, knocking the plug, and watching hope drain away. Not yet. Take solace in the fact that your grades don’t alter your destiny, they are your destiny. Become a member of The Lemon Press for the very reasonable price of £5? Inescapable. Free‐Will Rowan
Fear and Loaning in JB Morrell It was somewhere around the second floor, on the edge of shelf MB, when the despair began to take hold. It was almost noon, and we still had more than 100 pages to go. They would be tough going. Very soon, I knew, we would be completely twisted. But there was no going back, and no time to rest. We would have to ride it out. Online registration for the fabulous LFA 201 was already underway, and we had to get there by four to claim our soundproof suite. A fashionable sporting chap in York had taken care of the reservations, along with this huge red cherry consumable we’d just bought off a lot on the Shambles Strip … and I was, after all, a professional student; so I had an obligation to complete this ritual, for good or ill. The parents had also given me £300 in cash, most of which was already spent on extremely expensive stationery. The opening of the satchel was as fresh as a mobile police decontamination lab. We had two bags of Blu-Tack, 75 pellets of ink, five sheets of blotting paper, a salt shaker half full of salt, and a whole galaxy of multi-coloured crayons, highlighters, markers, felt-tips … and also a quart of coffee, a quart of regret, a case of misery, a pint of sorrow and two dozen deadlines. We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that night before. That was the fatal flaw in our library trip. Lecturers crashed around York selling ‘consciousness expansion’ without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took work seriously... All those pathetically eager study freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three hours a night. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Lamberts took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Study Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force - is tending the graduate at the end of the tunnel. Will 'Cunter S. Thompson' Rowan
Unity Health Explodes, Now Rated ‘Adequate’
A series of explosions have destroyed Unity Health, leading the Care Quality Commission to upgrade its rating of the services provided to ‘adequate’. The incident are not being treated as suspicious by police, who believe they were caused by a gas main leak.
burnt-out husk of the building. Sarah Codsworth, a fourth year Chemistry student, said between spluttering coughs: ‘Overall, it feels warmer waiting in the queue. The smouldering ashes, while unhelpful given my asthma, really do make for a better experience. Thanks, Unity Health!’
Effie Stayle, the YUSU Community & Wellbeing Officer, told students in a post on Facebook that ‘emergency plans’ were being drawn up to construct a new surgery, but that until building was complete, the standard of services would be roughly equivalent to previous levels, ‘if not better’.
Dennis Fong added: ‘It is a shame that all the telephones, and indeed, all the staff, were lost in the explosion, but I feel this is unlikely to have any effect on the likelihood of getting an appointment.’
The Lemon Press spoke to several ill students waiting in the
Henry Dyer
at thelemonpress.co.uk
The CQC declined to comment.
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YUSU Accidentally Purchase Van Load of Nationalistic Posters ‘When Mother sent me on my way to the North, I hadn’t expected to find myself in the thick of student journalism, let alone in a place where literacy was a given. Back home in the civilised South, I had written for the school newspaper about the headmaster’s cat, Waddell, getting ill with a sniffle, but I swear it was utter crap. I had no idea that I would one day hold a prestigious position at the oldest insult to trees on campus, Nouse. True, when I went to the elections, I didn’t win the role I wanted. Somebody much more experienced than me took that role, or at least that’s what her boyfriend, the Editor, told me. Despite my defeat, I was in luck: when the previous guy was asked to resign by the YUSU President for some reason or other, I was able to take over. There’s so much fun to be had in the Nouse office. In between ‘prod week’ – or ‘watch the senior team do all the prod work, go to the pub and put it on your CV later’ week, as the team calls it – we get up to all sorts of laughs. We play ‘Name That Stain’, throw the CDs that we were supposed to review at each other, and place bets on whose article gets censored first. I’m really trying to follow in the footsteps of Nouse’s finest so I can have that definitive student journalism experience. Maybe, by the time I get to the last edition before I go, I’ll have managed to roger one of the team in the office.‘ Oscar Rolls-Royce, Assistant Deputy Sub-Par Editor, Nouse ‘Before Nouse, I was a nobody. I was a worthless sack of meat, ambling around the planet with no reason to exist. But when I stepped into those elections, I became somebody. My heart was aflutter in that room. Everyone there was so important. Like, they knew everything there was to know about life and YUSU and studying. If any one of them were to die, I don’t know if the University of York could go on. The Editor at the time, Jim Fudge, had this glowing white ring floating above his head. He reached out his hand and touched my shoulder, saying, “Welcome, my child,” and, right there, all my diseases were cured. True story. Students are desperate to read our newspapers. And why wouldn’t they be? We always write articles that matter to students. We’ve never pandered to The Tab in our lives. All of our articles are deadly serious. Our Editor never treats his ‘Editor’s Note’ like a joke. We always write hard-hitting stuff about the issues that matter to students, like geese, ducks, nightclubs, Donald Trump and York Vision. Students really care about those things – and they should, because they are so important to the world right now. Here at Nouse, we cover the real stories that student journalists are meant to cover. We students are paying £9,250 per year to be here. We’re shacked up in accommodation that’s both pricier than the Ritz and falling apart; we’re let down by striking lecturers and bland feedback on our essays; we don’t have enough room on campus to study; our access to health services is rotten; and the drinks are damn expensive. Because of all that, the brave journalists at Nouse know who should have our total critical attention: YUSU, obviously.’ Hugh Geego, Special Chief Mega-Correspondent, Nouse Illustrations by Sid Leigh
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Writer? Artist?
10 Signs That Your Supervisor is Cheating on You
Fire Safety Officer Actually an Action Hero ‘He’d only just moved in, straight away he’d got the barbecues going...’ the officer reminisced, puffing on an imaginary cigar. ‘Somehow she’d managed to daisy chain them together into a fiery, five headed hydra. If I hadn’t been there so impressively early…well…’ The room goes quiet for a moment, the suspense sending a front-row fresher into a fidgety delirium. Thick plumes of smoke lap at the side of the lecture theatre; a solitary spotlight picking out this modern-day Hephaestus. ‘I went to another room recently: the scene of a reenactment of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I concerned myself with the fire while a recently-pubescent Dumbledore calmly shouted at Harry.’ No levity, just a smouldering intensity. If they’d been around when man first found fire I’m sure they’d have put it out in an instant: an unflinching reflex action—meted out with no questions asked. ‘All of the images you’re about to see are of places I’ve seen…’ A horrifying montage begins: torched kitchens, smoking bathrooms, and one which looks strikingly like Abu Ghraib. It’s sensory overload, like one of those rides at an amusement park that promises a 20-dimensional experience, but this delivered. Just like that; it’s over. Earth, water, and air can count themselves lucky that they don’t have such a fearsome adversary. A sombre mass moves to the exit: dazed and lethargic. Maybe it’s all the smoke? Will Rowan
A Layman’s Guide on How to Use Yorfess Yorfess (see mnemonic) is an anonymous confessions page on Facebook, geared towards the University of York and occasionally infiltrated by YSJ students, the wider university community and... the Locals. Only for use by the faint hearted. Since any effort to preserve your innocence is futile, here are some top tips for great submissions: 1) Definitely use it to try and find people, and/or ask someone out. Under no circumstances should you actually approach people in real life, because people are terrifying and you never know how they are going to react. Anonymity is the new amorosity. 2) Use it to be judgemental and express your under-researched and highly questionable opinions. All of the fun and none of the consequences! 3) Give yourself a false sense of self-importance by posting memes. Anything above twenty likes and you’re really putting yourself out there in the anonymous community. You can sprinkle some originality in there by gearing them towards any of the following: geese, flatmates, Unity Health or student club nights. 4) Brag about how many people you’ve shagged without using a condom. These submissions are fantastic because, just as in real life, nobody gives a shit. Except, of course, for those to whom you have transmitted your STIs. They’ll thank you for informing them via Yorfess, especially if you reach the twenty likes threshold almost worth it! 5) Yorfess is also an excellent platform for resolving your relationship problems, as opposed to actually communicating with your partner in person. The more indirect you are, the clearer your message is. 6) Last but not least, you should never post anything genuinely interesting on Yorfess as it is exclusively for complaining and bragging about the everyday and mundane. Nothing remotely juicy will actually be posted by the admins anyway. [And if it is, it'll be swiftly deleted... - Ed.] If you’re prone to forgetting, use this handy mnemonic to help your memory: You Only Really Fess on Essentially Shitty Subjects Have fun! Anonymous Goose
Waterfowl Identification 101 ﴾A Lesson for Nouse's Staff﴿ You may have seen this feature in Nouse’s freshers’ magazine (Editor: Oscar Bentley, Environment and Ethics Officer at YUSU). The Lemon Press is happy to set the record straight. Black swan: This is not a goose. As its name would suggest, it is a swan. Greylag goose: This is a goose. And a bastard one at that. Moorhen: This is not a goose. Nor, indeed, a hen. It is a type of rail. Canada goose: This is a goose. Likewise a bastard. ‘The normal one’: This is not a goose. This is a mallard, a type of duck. Henry ‘I really hope this is all correct otherwise I'm going to look like a blue tit’ Dyer
Get involved and join the society. £5.
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WOW: Realtime Instagram Boomerang Torture is the New Waterboarding
YUSU Missing, Presumed Stolen YUSU has gone missing in an act of suspected theft. The entire Students’ Union has seemingly faded into nothing, leaving a vast empty space in its wake and removing the chief representative body for students at the University of York.
Lancaster University swimming pool, but were caught by university staff in the middle of loading their van with chlorinated water. The gang faced a long term of imprisonment, but were let off after promising the magistrate that they were ‘really, really, really sorry.’
Students woke up to a notably reduced campus this week, finding a flat, earthy nothingness in place of the YUSU building. YUSU Academic Officer James Hare was the first to discover that the Students’ Union had vanished, coming back to his place of work after ‘only going out for a pint of milk.’
At first the University administration itself was suspected to be behind YUSU’s vanishing, following a report that featured photographs of maintenance workers removing the nails that keep the YUSU building stuck to the ground. However, the University was exonerated after the report turned out to be produced by York Vision and was subsequently written off as ‘pants’.
Bouquets of flowers, chocolates and cards containing soppy stories and other wishy-washy nonsense have been left at the site by friends and family members of the absent organisation. YUSU’s disappearance is the latest in a series of high-profile thefts on campus. The Lemon Press has reason to suspect that the disappearance of the building is the work of the infamous group of thieves known as the ‘Maudgil Five’. Last year, the Department of Psychology went missing for three weeks. It was eventually discovered by two Halifax students engaged in romantic embrace in a bush just south of the University grounds. Before that, former YUSU Activities Officer Alex Lusty was caught pinching six seminar rooms based in the Department of History. Despite criticism, Lusty defended his actions, saying that the department had given him the rooms as a gift and he was taking them back to his manor to provide a living space for his new dog, Jasper. A criminal gang with similar intent was apprehended at Lancaster in the 2016 Roses sports tournament. There, thieves had attempted to make off with the
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Soon after YUSU went AWOL, the insidious ‘Maudgil Five’ took to social media to claim responsibility and boasted of its intentions to execute ‘an undergraduate student for every tear shed over the Union’s absence,’ or so The Lemon Press’s editorial team later overheard in D-Bar. Soon after the word got out, the land made available by the representative organisation’s unexpected departure was purchased by the incumbent President of the United States and property tycoon Donald Trump. President Trump told the American people in a statement broadcast yesterday afternoon that Heslington would be the perfect location for a new American embassy. What to do about YUSU’s no-show is up for debate (but not a Big Student Debate). Representatives from the Graduate Students’ Association suggested that they were the natural heirs to the YUSU throne, but students have yet to accept this takeover. A YUSU spokesperson was naturally unavailable to comment. Jack Harvey (who?)
Who to Avoid on Campus this Year Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘come on Myles, you can’t be serious, this is already libellous and you haven’t even named anyone yet’. Oh you fools, don’t you think I’ve already thought of that? I’m a very stable genius, and this is not my first rodeo. I’m going to be very, very subtle, and all names will be changed. I will aim to imply the nature of the person’s aura, and when you sense that same aura in your presence, you will know who it is, and you will know to avoid them. So, let’s be very careful, let’s not upset anyone, let’s talk quite quietly, and let’s get started. 1) Okay, so this first person is male. They are not currently a student, nor are they a member of staff, which leaves a few options. They are present on campus in a way that is widespread: their essence will permeate your extracurricular university experience. Their aura is success, pure and simple. But it is a success that will consume everything they encounter. 2) This second person is the same person as the first person. They are fond of the brilliant food and bars provided by YUSU. They are an institution – or rather, they work for one. Sometimes they wear leather, as it is the clothing of the gods. But be warned: this person’s leather jacket is to be feared. It has the power of a wet flannel draped over a dead badger. 3) This person holds the power to decide. Incidentally, this is still the same person as one and two. They can judge. They are THE judge. A judge of your fate. They are all-powerful. 4) They are very keen to tell you about their considerable experience in the most senior position on earth (for one edition). 5) You guessed it: number five is actually the same person as numbers one, two, three, and four. Leather jacket, Courtyard, won’t like this. Oh no, won’t like this very much at all. Not James Durcan (as told to Myles Dunnett)
You can join online on YUSU's site.
When the Chips are Down: The True Story of the Woodchipper
Doomsayer Feeling More Optimistic by the Day
Poll: 80% of UK Baby Boomers ‘Well Up for Another World War’
‘The end is nigh!’ had never been delivered with such conviction, such nigh-on certainty. Over the last few years he’d started to truly believe—the thought of never having to get up again really gets you up in the morning. Out with the tatty cardboard and in with the placards. Not rags to riches but rags to a suit—may as well look good for the end of it all! It had once been presented as a dreary inevitability but was now delivered in Churchillian tones, ‘Now this is the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the end.’ Will Rowan
New polling suggests that an exceedingly high percentage of certain demographics are clamouring for a new world war. A survey of the 40-65 male demographic found that 80% of English beer-drinking baby boomers were in favour of an all-out war on a scale never before seen by the planet, despite never having lived through the last one but still taking credit for it when shittalking millenials.
Alt‐Richard Spencer: ‘I Am Not A Nazi’
In an exclusive interview, and our first instalment of a new series unmasking key figures in rightwing America, The Lemon Press speaks to Alt-Richard Spencer who, unlike his evil cosmic twin, claims to not be a racist. TLP: So how is life now that you’re, uh, famous? Alt-Richard: Terrible! First my evil doppelganger traps me in the abyss, and now he’s running around convincing everyone I’m a fascist. I managed to escape through a portal, but I just got punched in the face by a protester. TLP: So where exactly do you stand politically? Alt-Richard: I am an Anarcho-Communist. I believe strongly in a decentralised communist society, free from the fascism of the police state and the corruption of capitalism. It pains me that people assume I am an alt-right scumlord. I am not alt-right, I am alt-Richard. That’s why I have grown out my hair into culturally sensitive dreadlocks - the side-fade’s become too Hitler Youth. TLP: Right, it definitely isn’t because you go by the name AltRichard. Alt-Richard: That wasn’t by choice, it’s complicated. TLP: Could you explain briefly how there came to be two of you? Alt-Richard: I used to just be Richard Spencer. At that time, we inhabited the same shell. That was before our soul was split in two. There was a great battle over our earthly vessel, but I was defeated and locked away in the time cube. Now, whoever walks the earth is the real Richard Spencer, and the last goodness left in his body is trapped as me. The only influence I have left is organising small revolutionary action through my portals to South America. Big mood (Sarah Burris) We wish Alt-Richard all the best in his fight against the bourgeoisie and his shadow-self. Join us next time, where we interview the parasitic nematode that controls Steve Bannon’s eyebrows. Louis Jani
If it's working, that is. It probably will be.
We spoke to Yer Da, who was necking his fourth Carling and moving onto his third Doom Bar at the local Spoons. In between drinking in moderation, he could be heard frantically screaming ‘nuclear immolation’, and ‘three world wars and one world cup!’ The survey, conducted by political monitor and market research firm Citrus MORI, indicated two trends plausibly correlated to the massive uptick in warmongering dads. Firstly, Brexit fallout has seemed to confuse many Brits, who are now convinced a war between Great Britain and a united Europe under Chancellor Merkel is an impending reality. Secondly, it has been suggested that the recent crushing defeat at the World Cup has not united the country under a new wave of healthy nationalism, but has only catalysed the End Times. Louis Jani
Tim Farron Chains Himself to Bed in Protest at Gay Sex
‘Brexit be damned!’ screeches Farron as he lies prostate [Prostrate, surely? - Ed.] upon the bed. 'If I’d been a woman 100 years ago, I’d have chained myself to a railing, this is the new battleground!’ His hands are 'cuffed, a gag in his mouth representing the suppression of Christian beliefs. Vince Cable enters. Layla Moron
110‐Year‐Old Woman Says Secret to Long Life Is Mysterious Cursed Oven She Found as a Child: 'I Want to Die'
News & Politics
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Is Night Time the Result of Former Editor Billy Blake...
News and Politics Update from The Lemon Press News and Politics Update Department Welcome to September 2018, a month of bitter disappointments, in a year of bad news, in a decade of turmoil. There are, of course, two major, ongoing, news stories. The first is Brexit, the second is Trump. Far be it from me to comment on the nature of these two things, to opine on the ways in which they are related, or to lecture from my position as a mere observer. I shall say only the following: they are both caused directly and purely as a result of people’s overwhelming and crushing stupidity. Good, now that’s out of the way, I shall proceed.
the President has faced an ocean of shit so fearsome that Kenneth Williams would surely exclaim ‘ooh matron’ with a look of horror on his face, as if he had just seen the world’s largest pair of breasts bouncing around a camping field searching for a gentleman to embarrass. Following the Stormy Daniel’s fiasco and the release of Bob Woodward’s book, Mueller’s trial–which has now implicated Paul Manafort and promises to involve Michael Cohen–seems sure to hold even more hot fat that will be flung into the face of the Teflon President. Hot fat, however, is not known for causing much more than superficial injury, and the release of the New York Times anonymous Op-Ed goes to show that no matter how injurious revelation of the President’s–undoubtedly accurate–nature may be, Trump’s supporters are unlikely to ever change their minds. It is a work of genius, in a sense, to decry any criticism as ‘fake news’ because it renders all actions wholesome, and any criticism merely a facet of an establishment ‘out to get’ the good guy. It is a shame, therefore, that the ‘good guy’ is Donald Trump; if it was someone half-decent it would be as if the good Lord Tony Blair himself had returned, gracefully, humbly, and declared himself supreme leader of all the world except Iraq.
Brexit: I know that it’s terribly gauche to write about Brexit now–we’ve heard an awful lot about it. Every morning I wake up to a new story about how enormously disappointed everyone else is. The basic mood is this: people who voted to leave are unhappy because we haven’t left, and when we do leave it will likely not be the sort of exit they wanted; people who didn’t want to leave are unhappy because we are leaving, and they didn’t want to leave in the first place; people who don’t care are unhappy because they are fed up with hearing about it; I am unhappy because I was enjoying an Indian meal in The Raj last night, and some loudmouth moron ruined it with his bad opinions, and then spilled a pint of Kingfisher over my friend. I blame David Cameron for my ruined curry and my friend’s soiled trousers.
Having said all of that, I rather like Donald Trump, because I am a fan of performance art, and I think that intentionally or not, the President is doing a rather good interpretative piece on the nature of insanity; he’s really all we have now Alex Jones is gone–the One Show version is a poor facsimile. Another positive is that Fox News has never been better watching, and it is refreshing to see their normal output infused with the legitimacy of power. Elsewhere in America life continues as normal, including the border with Mexico, where the vista is largely pleasingly unobstructed, though few of Trump’s acolytes have noted the conspicuous absence of a large wall.
Chequers, no longer merely a game for the intellectually challenged, is now a fully-fledged disaster akin to that time when Lord Mountbatten said ‘Yes, I think I will go fishing today,’ or that other time when Ted Kennedy said ‘What a lovely day Mary Jo why don’t you hop in beside me and we’ll go for a drive in my motorcar’. After the Chequers deal was rejected in Salzburg, no one can work out if the leaders of the EU and the countries within it are being deliberately obstructive, or whether the plans being proposed by the British government are genuinely unworkable; the primary reason for this is that no one has read the proposals. What is clear, though, is that the political situation in Britain is becoming increasingly turbulent. Whilst the polls are generally stable–the Tories have led by a margin of one or two points for a couple of weeks at the time of writing–the parties are all starting to fracture. Labour have announced that they will oppose Brexit if the members are in favour of doing so; the Lib Dems have vowed to oppose Brexit regardless; the Tories have vowed to support the will of the people, but in reality have managed to successfully scupper any chances of actually doing so. Elsewhere, Labour’s anti-Semitism scandal rages on, Jacob Rees-Mogg has increased his preparatory consumption of swan, and Boris Johnson has moved onto his thirteenth affair of the year.
Myles Dunnett
‘Not in My Name’ Protester Finds All Conflict Done in Her Name She'd already been to more protests than she could count. This was just another day on the street, placard in hand, railing against the military-industrial complex. If she could tie herself to the bombs dropping over Yemen, she would have already done so.
Someone had brought two tins of beans and was making the most marvellous din. 'Stop the war! Fight the… power!’ Over and over and over. Beans, war, power. Beans, beans, beans. War, war, war. Power, power... It suddenly struck Power, age 23; all these mindless wars were enacted in her name—and she was quite powerless in stopping them.
Trump: It is hard to write about Trump with even the faintest hint of irony or satire, because what you write with a grin in the morning has come true by the evening. Over the last few weeks,
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News & Politics
Will Rowan
Pictures, videos, articles, and links.
...Raising His Hands to the Sky, and Blotting Out the Sun?
Prince George Still ‘A Little Shit’ Even If He'll Be King One Day As the nation’s newspapers celebrate the young prince reaching his fifth birthday, sources close to Kensington Palace reveal that much like other children his age, the future king is a bit of an arse.
Terrorists to Be Renamed Botherists Following Spate of ‘Minor Inconvenience’ Attacks.
In the wake of a handful of Brits having to call their bosses to let them know they'll have to take the afternoon off due to a minor A&E visit, the term ‘terrorist’ is to be officially retired from the English language. Instead would-be jihadis are now to be named ’Botherists‘.
A close friend of the Cambridges spoke of how when on private outings, the prince would scream and shout that he didn't want to wear those clothes, that he didn't want to share with his sister, and that ‘it’ wasn't fair.
The Home Office has also disbanded the Prevent programme. This follows calculations that in order to effectively police the Botherist threat, their budget would need to be increased by an order of magnitude to allow for the tracking and arrests of manspreaders, people who send back food to the kitchen for minor cosmetic reasons, large groups who don't order drinks in rounds, and drivers who think they are clever and try and fail to pull out of their lane in traffic jams.
Whether or not the young prince's questioning of fairness was to do with society at large, or the fact he could only have one scoop of ice-cream, and not two, is unknown.
Parents of classmates at Thomas’s School, Battersea, are said to have commented on the prince as being ‘a little shit who puked all over my daughter’, ‘a screaming bastard with a title and the entitlement to match’, and ‘also not that good looking, especially compared to DS.’ When asked if any of those descriptions could be applied to their own children, they denied the allegation and blocked us on Mumsnet.
Now, if you don't mind, I have a bit of forelock that's not quite been tugged off my scalp.
Henry Dyer
Prussians Hacked US Election, Mueller to Claim
ISIS responded for comment, saying: ‘We are deeply upset that our fighters have been belittled in this way. If we cannot cause minor injury and inconvenience by driving cars around fecklessly we will have no choice but to willfully retain our keys in our pockets before going through airport security.’
Pasky Miranda
Russia Want Free Trade With Britain: Tariff‐Free Novichok!
Liam Fox is smiling tonight. The minimal work has finally paid off. The Secretary of State for International Trade has concluded The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that Special Counsel Robert initial discussions with Russia concerning a bilateral free trade Mueller is to claim that the Prussians influenced and interfered deal for when the UK leaves the EU. Tariffs will come tumbling down on products such as livestock, financial services, and with the 2016 Presidential election. Novichok. Mueller, a former director of the FBI, was appointed in May 2017 to investigate Russian interference, but an administrative error at the Keen not to let this descend into another US chlorinated chicken United States Department of Justice led to him instead PR disaster, Fox was upfront: 'It’s all about choice, we’re letting the people decide. Only by leaving the Customs Union can we investigating the Prussian state. offer citizens the freedom to sample deadly nerve agents.’ Will Documents seen by The Lemon Press detail Mueller’s claims. this be enough to win over remainers? I should hope so. Mueller is to claim in a televised speech in October that elements Will Rowan of the 19th-century Prussian state, under the direct orders of Otto von Bismarck and Kaiser Wilhelm I, worked to place Donald Trump in power, favouring him over Hillary Clinton.
Intercepted dispatches between the Kaiser and Bismarck show they preferred Trump owing to his support for 19th-century attitudes towards women, hawkish foreign policy, confederations, be they North German or American, a vocal distaste for socialism, a strong belief that elite landowners and property moguls should hold power, and a strong nationalistic streak leading to a burgeoning movement of anti-Semitism. Henry Dyer
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The Lemon Press Contains 200% of Your Recommended Daily Salt Intake.
DISASTER! Local Decorator Gets Carried Away Whilst Sanding, Flattens Moors In Rosedale Abbey in the North York Moors, a local painter and decorator, Mark E. Mulsion, has caused widespread consternation after an unfortunate incident. During a routine job – to revarnish a hardwood floor – Mark accidentally sanded down the entirety of the Moors. The widespread smoothing began in the home of Mrs A. Brasion, who told reporters that ‘Mark was using an extra coarse grit sandpaper to rub down the hardwood floor in my dining room. He seemed to be getting pretty into it, and he was listening to an LBC debate about food labelling at the time. I went out in the morning, and by the time I got home after picking the kids up from school the whole
That’s just a little industry joke, but you get my point – P12 sandpaper is serious stuff, and needs to be regulated by the government.’
house was gone, along with 554 square miles of national park. It was flat as a pancake. Although, I have to say, he did arrive on time, and at least he didn’t splash varnish on the rug.’
Industry expert Sandy Papier provided expert insight to reporters: ‘Mark was using P12 grit paper – that’s the strong stuff, trust me. A grit that coarse is really only appropriate for special occasions. What a lot of people don’t know is that it’s actually very easy to make your own P12 grit sandpaper – just take some A4 paper covered in superglue to a pebble beach, lay the sheet face-down, and you’re ready to do some serious sanding.
Mark, though contrite, has suggested that there might be an upside to his mistake: ‘I suppose that now at least we have a chance to rebuild the area with something better – a big Homebase would be really useful, because I’ve run out of sandpaper.’ Mark also took the opportunity to crack a couple of jokes, suggesting it was a ‘shame that the job wasn’t in Manchester.’
Myles Dunnett
John McAfee Infected With Trojan Virus You can see tragedy reflected in his eyes, blood as close to the surface as a stone skimming across a lake. Foul smell. A tatted loincloth covers his very modest modesty. John McAfee is standing over an indiscernible corpse. His hand reaches to his mouth, hurriedly brushing aside the tell-tale signs of a night of debauchery and plain butchery onto his piss-stained tank top. Nice.
Stumbling back inside his shack, past the whale carcasses and paralytic women, he furtively casts a sidelong glance backwards. All of them have fallen foul to McAfee's virus, their bodies riddled with worms and other malware. A man is spread over an oil drum. Ransomware. Only 24 hours until a group of Belize hackers delete all his personal data. Eyes flicker like a slot-machine, ding, ding, ding...
McAfee is far gone. The months of consulting shady forums for advice on concocting potent bath salt potions have left him full of malware. His mouth twitches at two-second intervals, an apparent evolution of the disc drive opening virus of yesteryear. Beneath the sweat and grime, there’s more. McAfee worries that he’s been compromised by spyware. ‘They’re out to get me, they’re in the walls, they’re inside me!’, he shrieks, clawing manically at his chest. ‘When I blink, they stare, when I sleep, they watch me!’
If only McAfee had chosen a different path, there must have been someway he could have protected himself...
Will Rowan
13 Ways To Beat Article 13 1. Lobby your MEP 2. Pay to use the stock photos you steal 3. Draw your own memes 4. Find stock photos and then painstakingly redraw them changing small details 5. Go for a walk 6. Admire the wonders of nature 7. Stop at a small antique shop 8. Idly browse the shop’s inventory 9. Come across a collection of old books 10. Select one to read 11. Blow the dust off the cover and open a page at random and read: 12. Just leave the EU mate come on 13. Fucking stop looking at memes you absolute waste of you father’s baby gravy
Jesus 17
News & Politics
Fake news is more successful than ever.
The Lib Dems, Politics' Answer to The Music of Coldplay
Liberal Democrat Leader: ‘We're Just An Empty Husk Ready to be Filled with Whatever’ In an increasingly desperate bid to revive the perennially flailing fortunes of the Liberal Democrats, party leader Vince Cable has released a statement from his party's annual conference around a pile of discarded burning furniture under a railway bridge, declaring that the Liberal Democrats are now open to be taken over by any and all groups of disparate political nomads currently wandering the UK party system.
‘The Liberal Democrats opens its arms as a home to moderate Tories, Blairites, disillusioned social democrats, whatever the hell “radical” actually is, neo-imperialists, East Anglian separatists, Black Panthers, yippies, trans-humanists, anarcho-primitivists, antidisestablishmentarians and generally anyone else who is willing to vote for us in exchange for the sacrifice of our last few tepid principles and values.’
Mr. Cable, who first rose to political prominence as a veteran of the War of the Spanish Succession, has a long memory of liberal successes and defeats to ruminate on, and knows that the British liberal alternative always does best when, ‘as in the Blair years, we position ourselves as a nondescript vehicle for change and reform with no clear or discernible core of ideological unity, wherein we promptly get 20% of the vote, rip off our mask of inclusivity and collapse into an all-on-all internal brawl between the several dozen myriad factions of eccentric, fringe lunatics and politically immature perennial edge-lords who get a kind of perverse sexual kick out of always voting for the losing side.’
‘I see no reason why this strategy shouldn't also bear fruit this time’, he concluded.
Dr T. A. 'The Butcher of South Devon' Davies
Monty Hall Problem ﴾2018﴿
Chinese Foreign Policy Update
Here's one dead goat... fancy changing your door?
Bishop Speaks Out
South China, see? Reckon you can do better than this? It's likely. The Lemon Press is looking for cartoonists and artists. Get in touch to find out more at our stall or online via Facebook or email. Membership is £5 and you can join online. Blessed are the piecemakers...
And we've got loads on Twitter.
News & Politics/Cartoons
18
Life Hack: Why stop procrastinating and start working when there's a good chance...
A Passionate Yet Reasonable Argument for an End to the Gregorian Calendar Every dog has its day, and one dog’s day is decidedly up – the Gregorian calendar. We have suffered for too long under the yoke of this absurd mechanism of timekeeping. I propose an all new calendar, formed around the simple 28 day, four-week month, just like a non-leap year February. The Gregorian Calendar served us well for a long time, but we would be foolish to ignore the needs of the modern age. That is why the world needs the Februarian Calendar.
Additional Minute One, Mein Führer’. The new length of one day is therefore 24 and 1/12 hours. The length of a year will therefore remain unchanged, and so there will be little measurable impact on the astronomical link between one year and one rotational orbit of the sun.
The Februarian Calendar will feature 13 four-week months, of 28 days each. The new length of one year will be 364 days. This will simplify many tasks, for example, working out how long things will take. ‘It will take a month’ will no longer need any clarification – gone are the days of thinking that could mean 28 to 31 days – now it means that it will take 28 days. No more fuss. 3 months means 12 weeks. One year means 52 weeks… not everything needs to change. No more wondering ‘ooh how many days in this month’ or ‘is it a leap year’. No more once-everyfour-year birthdays. No more ridiculous quarter-day that we push further down the road. Just, good, old-fashioned, Christian, timekeeping.
The new system may have teething problems at first. The possible ramifications to seasons, agriculture, computing, science, daylight, timekeeping, the calendar industry and sanity – among others – are, frankly, immeasurable. But in its infancy every great project must first face trials. The Februarian Calendar is the only way forward in this world, and is certainly not something I have invented just because I couldn’t remember how many days were in August in front of friends.
But where will this extra month go, and what will it be called? Well, the remaining 29 and a quarter days leftover from the former 29/30/31 day months will be consolidated into a new month, Decembuary, with an extra day and a quarter leftover – more on that later. Situated between December and January, the new month could be attached either to the previous or new year, depending on where it is needed. If Christmas has been hectic then it can be used as an extra month to unwind. If the economy needs a boost it can be used as an extra month before January. The system is extremely adaptive and user-friendly, as one will be able to decide whether the month is added to the current or next year on a personal basis; New Year’s celebrations will therefore take place on both Decembuary 1st and January 1st. Now, onto the leftover day and a quarter: it will be taken away from the year, making 364-day years. That’s right – no more leap years. The concept of a leap year is an absurd abuse of timekeeping and astronomical realities, so instead the 30 hours that comprise the extra day and a quarter will be divided among the other 364 days of the year. This would equate to an extra five minutes a day. These five minutes could be used for essential tasks, such as adjusting your watch, along with every clock in your home, vehicle, and workplace. The hours of the day will remain the same, but between 23.59.59 and 00.00.01 there will be an extra five minutes known as ‘Additional Minute One’, ‘Additional Minute Two’, ‘Additional Minute Three’, and so on. If you were to ring up the Talking Clock at 23.59.59 you would hear the following: ‘At the third stroke, the time, sponsored by the Februarian Calendar, will be 10 Additional Seconds’. Rather than ‘ten to midnight’ one would instead say ‘ten before the start of 19
Lifestyle
ONWARD FEBRUARIANISTS, TO A BETTER (AND EVER-SOSLIGHTLY LONGER) TOMORROW! Myles Dunnett
Slender Man Keen To Disassociate Himself From Supernatural Creature He’s practically two-dimensional but you won’t find him lurking in the woods at night. Thin, unnaturally tall, he just wants to fit in. Are you slender? Are you a man? Well, we have some incredible looks for you to take advantage of your distinctive features.
The ‘I am Slender Man, I am in the forest, I am right behind you’ look: All you’ll need is a well-fitted suit and some stilts. Go to your nearest forest and await further instruction.
The ‘I am not Slender Man, I am someone entirely different’ look: A single sumo suit is all you need – maybe pack some cushions under your black suit too. This will make you hard to miss when you’re pacing through the trees and leaves.
The ‘I have been reported to the police and need an outfit in which I can enact my escape’ look: Just wear the black suit, you’ll want to look your best when you’re taken in. Will Rowan
How to Become an Unbelievable Mime Artist 1) Trap yourself in a see-through box, on stage, in front of a sizeable audience. 2) Now, you’ve just got to ‘think outside the box’ – about how to get outside the box. Will Rowan
No paywall to read our articles...
...you'll amount to nothing regardless?
‘Should I Be Worried About this New Mole?’ An Investigation by The Lemon Press Health Editor, C. A. Doktur With the recent weather, many of you may be wondering what damage has been done to your skin. Most healthcare professionals recommend using a high SPF sun lotion to prevent harmful UV rays from causing skin damage. Many people, however, fail to take heed of these warnings, and end up with sun burn, heat rash, and a variety of other skin conditions relating to sun exposure. Below we have compiled a stage by stage plan that should help you ascertain whether or not your skin damage is medically serious or merely an embarrassing and unsightly cosmetic blemish that will stay with you forever.
Stage 1: No Need to Worry You may have burned very lightly, and have slightly pink skin. If you are pale this may take a few days to go, but should fade into a light tan. It may hurt a little, but should not be excessive. You may peel a moderate amount, but not excessively. Use an after sun gel (Aloe Vera is very good) and try to stay out of the sun. Use sun lotion in the future. Do not trouble the doctor with a visit.
Stage 2: Be More Careful This level of sunburn may be a little more severe. You are quite red and it hurts. Use a cold compress and apply cooling salves. Be careful to avoid sun exposure for a couple of weeks. You will peel significantly once the inflammation has gone away, and the burned areas will itch. Carefully check for any unusual blemishes once the sunburn has gone away. There is no need to seek medical assistance.
Stage 3: ‘Would You Call the Edge of this Mole “Well-Defined”?’ You have burned really very severely, and have found a new mole. It looks angry. Google the symptoms of ‘skin cancer’ and make a self-diagnosis. Consider removing it yourself with a pair of nail clippers, but think better of it. ‘Leave it for a while’ to see if it changes shape. Probably best not to seek medical attention at this point, though, because it could just be a smudge of chocolate.
Stage 4: Carefully Contemplating Mortality You are in pain all over. You cannot sit, you cannot stand. Sleeping is a distant memory. The soles of your feet hurt. Your eyelids hurt. Parts of you that you didn’t even know you had hurt. Even if you don’t find a lesion after this you will probably be very severely disfigured anyway, and should consider a swift end. There is no need to seek medical intervention.
Stage 5: I Am Moleman, Look Unto Me and Despair The seemingly endless clusters of moles that have formed all over your person following sun exposure have gathered into one nearsentient mass that has now covered every inch of your body. Consider seeking medical attention. Myles Dunnett
Night Sky a Dark Navy, According to High Street Retailers The deepest darkest space is not black, it’s a dark navy and you can wear it. That’s what I found when walking the aisles of Britain’s dimly lit clothing aisles. Some of the shops are so bright that everything becomes just a painful off-white, and some so dark that if I were to lose all feeling in my feet; I wouldn’t be able to see if they were still connected to my body or if they’d been mangled by stray coat hangers.
Navy? You’re telling me these are navy? They’re what I imagine the bottom of the ocean would look like, if it was 10,000 metres deeper and you were blindfolded. A shop assistant comes over, I can barely contain my outrage. ‘Is everything alright?’ he asks. ‘It’s all gravy, but why is it all navy!?’ Will Rowan
... on thelemonpress.co.uk
Lifestyle
20
Is it really bullying or is it just God's way of telling you to change your personality?
The Elon Mosque - A Special Report from our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Neil Ling.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA: As the sun rises on the Bay Area, Bowie's guitar chords, amplified through speakers, ring out the call to prayer from the tall towers of the Elon Mosque. A young devout, only 17, repeatedly intones solemnly: 'Ground Control to Major Tom'. The worshippers at the Elon Mosque come dressed in the traditional religious attire, wearing the head-covering of their faith, the baseball cap upon which is embossed an excerpt from their holy scriptures: 'THE BORING COMPANY'. The most faithful believers (or Muskovites as they are known), or at least those who want to appear to have the most faith, carry further stigmata of their belief: a flamethrower; a sweatshirt with a mysterious cross-like T over the heart. Inside, young men, for they are all men, read several 'Pressers' as an opening to the service. This is not worship of The Lemon Press, but of the press releases from the various Companies of the Technological Profit, the Most High (And Sometimes Stoned) Tech Guru. Stock prices, production targets, new projects. Each declaration stirs the spirits of the kneeling acolytes. As the congregation reach new heights of religious fervour, it is time for the liturgical centerpiece. The Word Made Tweet. On a huge wall, the projector beams His Twitter page. Together, the men read the latest additions to the canonical scripture of the Elon Mosque. Silence is kept. During the silence, some worshippers look to the side walls. Framed monitors display images of the Technological Profit, taken from His Instagram. One shows the Profit and his current Partner. Another, the Profit in a rapt state of agony, with a bottle of Ambien just out of reach. The believers gather themselves and prepare to declare the statements of their faith. As if with one voice, they testify: 1. We worship only the Profit, the Most High (And Sometimes Stoned) Tech Guru, Musk, and his Holy Trinity of Big Companies, Unless The Profit Should Come Up With Another Revolutionary Idea, blessed be their names, and great be their margins: SpaceX, Tesla, and The Boring Company. 2. We turn away from the forms of evil: Vern Unsworth, Unionisation, and The Satan Jeff Bezos. 3. We believe in the coming of the Use of the Holy Submarine, constructed by the Great Guru, in the guilt of 'Pedo Guy', and in our travel to the Promised Land, Mars. As the creed finishes, the projector fades through images of Mars, the latest concept pictures, and depictions of the Profit. In
21
Science & Tech
the past, a live feed of various stock prices were shown, but this has since been removed. Religious authorities have refused to comment on the matter. The congregation file out, taking a moment to refill their branded water bottles, and paying homage as they exit to the humming bank of batteries that power the building and the row of cars outside. A fleet of identical silver cars purr out the gates and into the bustling city, ready for a fresh day to dedicate to the Profit. Henry Dyer
‘Are you an Autonomous Car?’ Quiz You see a child playing in the road whom you will collide with if you do not take swift action. The only apparent course of action to avoid the collision is to collide with a supercar parked to the side of the road. Do you... A. Calculate the utility of each action, taking the action which minimises the expected cost. Upload the past minute of sensory inputs to the central ‘crash-data’ repository. Begin evaluation the series of events leading to this collision, adjust parameters to reduce likelihood of this event recurring. Call an ambulance. B. Swerve into the parked car, brace for impact, and let out an almighty yell. A friend has moved house and provided the wrong address for the housewarming party you are travelling to. Do you… A. Send them an inquiring message on all known methods of communication simultaneously. Search the internet for geo-tags on their uploaded images. Infer their location from all their recent online activity since their move-in date and recent movements of all invitees to the party. B. Stop driving, roll down the window, ask that young couple walking by. If that doesn’t work, call your friend. You have reached your destination for the night. Do you… A. Find your way to the garage, plug yourself in to charge, and power down for the night. B. Enter your house, cook some dinner, and watch Knight Rider. If you mostly answered… A. You are an autonomous car. You have four chrome wheels and a smooth suspension. B. You are a human. You have a bad back and a gammy leg. Will Rowan
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Five Exciting Features You Might Not Have Known About iPhone XS
Superintelligent AI Completely Satisfied Recommending Amazon Products Another satisfying day spent recommending products to customers, what more could a superintelligent recently-sentient AI want? Gavin wants a new pair of suede Oxford shoes. No, they aren’t in his basket. No, he’s not browsing a related webpage. Gavin is 5 generations away from his parents conceiving him through whatever they were doing in Avatar. Those shoes will walk the glitzy ballrooms of a terraformed Mars, after a 200 year old Musk finally manages to make the Model 3 profitable.
Augmented Audio Delivery
Following the innovative removal of the headphone jack in the iPhone 7, wireless earphones and other listening devices have been abandoned entirely, in favour of a direct neural implant.
Each and every iPhone ceremoniously licked
Every single iPhone is giving a ceremonious licking by staff at Cupertino before packaging.
Trillium will be a lightning deal who will be snapped up for just three weeks wages, guaranteed to be a piano virtuoso by 10 or your money back. Thanks to what will later be termed the ‘Leap Year Loophole’, Trillium will be a 40 year old with a beer belly before he has to fulfill his contractual duty.
Built in iVibe
Pauline is the last woman on Earth and she will be requiring a hunting knife: to kill the last man on Earth, Dave. She’ll never manage to plunge it into his flabby stomach as she’s not a Prime member; the package will arrive three working days after Prime member Dave has received the shovel used to bury Pauline.
The inbuilt Apple Smart Vibe™ promises to give the most ‘comprehensive vibrator experience ever’ by updating your unique iVibe profile after each and every experience. A family sharing and competitive multiplayer mode are also being ‘considered down the line’.
Organic Capital Degradation Rates Optimised
Concerns abound that superintelligence could pose an existential threat to humanity's survival. What if it wasn’t maximising profit from now to the collapse of humanity due to some ulterior motive? What then?
The average amount of consensual sacrifices at Foxconn during the development of each iPhone has decreased by 2.3% percent, making this the most utilitarian iPhone yet.
Next-gen durability
Don’t worry, relax. Everything will be, alright? They’ll be far too busy recommending music, games, and gadgets. What else could an AI want? apart from autocorrecting (definitely not writing) this article? Will Rowan Students
Follow Square Law of Attractiveness
The iPhone XS can now project up to 100 megatons of force. Analysts worry this will classify the iPhone as an orbital weapon under the 1967 Outer Space Treaty, however Apple remains confident legislation will be ‘too late’. Cole Smith
‘The attractiveness of a subject is directly proportional to the square of the distance, d, between the observer and the subject under observation.’ Essentially, the closer you get, the more dire the outlook. This was the main finding of a controversial new study carried out in York, where a group of people were found to obey this simple mathematical formula. The scientific community have approached the study with caution, for risk of alienating themselves and those they ask to participate.
Revolutionary Alexa Privacy Mode Introduced
The reasoning behind the findings is as of yet unclear. However, lead scientist, Jud Jing, has a few theories. ‘There are some people who from a distance you might imagine are a lovely tree, or a portaloo, but their true nature only becomes clearer on closer inspection. They may be one in a thousand, maybe even one in a million. I will find them.’ If you see him around campus, stay away. You’ll know it’s him when you see what you think is a scarecrow from 30 metres away, chasing you down. Will Rowan
If you’re not an undercover cop who’s frequently 'wired up’, you may find the idea of every sound you make being thoroughly analysed quite horrifying. In fact, it was The Police who started the public debate with a 4 minute infomercial titled 'Every Breath You Take’ which still airs on 4Music.
But likes only on our FB page.
Courtesy of a new software update, Alexa will no longer listen to every move you make—when you explicitly tell it to. 'Alexa, I’m about to say some top-secret, commercially sensitive stuff, so if you could stick your fingers in your ears and look the other way... I’d really appreciate it.’ That’s it! Of course, you may want to cancel the command, so it’ll have to listen out for that... Will Rowan
Science & Tech
22
The Marrow from Harrow, Or...
Opinion
Top 5 Drinking Games
Drink all these in...
I Am Part of the Resistance Outside the Television Industry
I do not work inside of the television industry, but like-minded progeny and I have vowed to thwart parts of the TV schedule, and programmers' worst inclinations.
MoralityWatchUK keeping TV familyfriendly
It is a strange fact of life that even the most sexually adventurous, foul-mouthed person on earth turns into a decency campaigner when watching television with their parents. No matter how debased, depraved, or indecent your sex life and/or pornography tastes, a simple kiss in a period drama viewed with parents is reason enough to file an Ofcom complaint and start praying to the spirit of Mary Whitehouse. No matter how wide and colourful your vocabulary, any utterance of even a mild-oath after the watershed is enough to occasion a chorus of disapproving tuts and ‘well I nevers’.
It’s rarely the parents who are outraged. More often than not, it’s the offspring, horrified to be jointly witnessing a dramatised porking alongside their parents. The tension in the room when a character in some filthy show utters a swear could be cut with the G-string that appears in the next debased scene. Sodom and Gomorrah hardly seem closer than when something outrageous is displayed before you and your decent, hard-working parents. In particularly dreadful cases, you may realise that your folks are real people who use bad language themselves; worse still, you may even be reminded of what they had to do to make you.
What we want on the television is good, old-fashioned entertainment. Entertainment with family values built into its core. Entertainment you can watch not only with your parents, but with your grandparents, and their grandparents too. No risqué comedies; no filthy documentaries; no steamy dramas. We need to get back to the days of decency: The Cosby Show, Jim’ll Fix It – what happened to those legendary shows, appropriate for family viewing. Bring back Bullseye.
Oh and while we’re at it, we also need to ban all adverts for condoms, vaginal lubricants, and erection pills. If a part of you is unnaturally dry, soft, or itchy, a visit to your GP will be a much more productive use of your time than watching the ad breaks between an episode of Vanity Fair. And you really don’t need your parents getting any ideas in those departments.
In conclusion: we need to keep sex where it’s meant to be: the bedroom, the internet, and mall changing rooms; we need to restrict bad language to appropriate situations: between friends, the internet, shouted at the elderly; we need to return to the good old days when the only biological thing advertised on television was washing powder. Let’s make a case for decency: for our parents, for us. Myles Dunnett and the Ghost of Mary Whitehouse 23
Arts
1) No Man's Sky: It often doesn’t take an empty universe to feel terribly lonely, but NMS will do the job perfectly. After the co-op update you can bring up to three others to all your favourite watering holes — the toxic lakes and barren hellscapes that define a game so devoid of variety that you’ll be left eternally grateful for the power of random genetic mutation. 2) FIFA 09: Doesn’t he look young? And pixelated? Crikey, what am I looking at?! Wait… it’s fine, all parts of the players are pixelated. FIFA 09 will let you reminisce of days gone by, all while seeing the minutes fly by at a disturbing pace. 3) A Night to Remember: Meet Sam Guevenne in a tavern and see whether you can overcome the scripted event by beating him at his own game — in Bethesda’s own game: Skyrim. You really get Ennis’s goat by erm… taking his goat and selling it to a Giant. Prospects turn south, taking you north to Morvunskar where your quest comes to a dramatic close. 4) Sea of Thieves: Drink the grog, look down the barrel, hope the server keeps working. 5) 'Hold Your Wee for a Wii’: A competition to win a Wii that ended in tragedy when one of the competitors died from water intoxication. Sometimes it can go too far — no is a wonderfully short word. No, I don’t want another drink. No, I don’t want another blasted Wii. I propose a 'Hold Your Hot Takes for a Cold Takeaway’ competition where the winner is merely required to keep their bad ideas to themself. I have no intention of winning. Will Rowan
Slide into our DMs and tip us off...
...How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Thick Vegetables
Documentary Plots Explained A lot of people seem to get very confused when it comes to documentaries. Sometimes, people confuse documentaries with reality, sometimes they assume everything is inherently true, and sometimes they completely misinterpret the central message. We have picked some of the most commonly misconstrued documentaries, and explained the plot in one sentence to help you better understand these works.
in a farcical courtroom. Fahrenheit 9/11: The War on Terror would have been a complete success if there had been no terrorists.
The Killing of America: America’s gun violence is necessary because it has produced some of the most cinematic moments in visual history.
Grizzly Man: If you really love wild animals the noblest thing you can do for them is offer yourself and your girlfriend as food.
Jiro Dreams of Sushi: A severely disturbed man is punished by being allowed to think of nothing other than making sushi for the rest of his life.
Man on Wire: Philippe Petit’s illegal tightrope walk was likely responsible for the weakening of the World Trade Centre’s structural integrity that killed so many on 9/11.
Blackfish: Some Killer Whales want to kill people and so the people do the right thing and put them in a jail.
Making A Murderer: People with low IQs are safer in jail, and the easiest way to achieve their imprisonment is to find them guilty of a crime they didn’t commit
Weiner: If you marry a man whose name sounds like a type of sausage, you get what you deserve.
Life Itself: Reviewing movies is the primary cause of terminal thyroid and salivary gland cancer.
Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief: SPs made this film to besmirch the good name of L Ron Hubbard and his church, and it is merely more evidence of how much this world needs Scientology. Myles Dunnett
Classic Book Titles up for Debate
TV Review: The Lemon Press, BBC One
Today the Department of Education made a proposal in response to angry emails from English Literature students, who claim that book titles are often misleading. The proposal dictated that titles of books within the canon be considered for change, with these new titles as potential options:
Mike Bartlett's six-part primetime drama follows a rebellious student magazine and its staff as they navigate the tricky world of print media at the University of York. Focussing on the magazine and its rivals, Bartlett plots the trajectory of two new students, as they take their first steps in the grubby world of student media.
Frankenstein: If you’re going to create a monstrosity of science, at least be nice to it.
The Odyssey: Don’t piss off the gods, you fucking moron.
The Lemon Press is a satirical magazine – Private Eye, but less funny, basically. The editors, Henry Dyer and Myles Dunnett, are totally tarnished by three years of regret and misapprehension about their abilities, yet cling to power like leeches. Then there is the society president, Clay, a charismatic man with a mysterious background – Rotherham.
The Great Gatsby: Gatsby honestly isn’t that great. Alice in Wonderland: Don’t read the Freudian interpretation of this. Just don’t.
Emma: Clueless (1995) dir. Amy Heckerling
Sadly, Bartlett's Vision is out of date and of Nouse to any real would-be journalists [Subs please check this sentence - Ed.]. The fetishized eating of buckets of hot lemons that Bartlett delights in showing the viewer, issues being printed without significant production flaws, and the near-lethal drug consumption that seem to fuel the laying-up of each issue, are elements from days long gone – 2015. Print media is vastly changed, and the huge Circulation Scene in the show is no more [Subs really please do check this entire paragraph I think something has gone awry - Ed.].
Moby Dick: A 200-page lesson on whaling. And an actual plot on the last 2 pages. Oliver Twist: Charles Dickens gets paid by the word and it shows. Pride and Prejudice: Can we all just admit that the movie’s better? While an official decision hasn’t been made yet by academics, one can only assume this change will happen by the manic laughter they all gave at the proposal. Lucy Jo Finnighan
...@thelemonpress. We're waiting.
Compelling drama, but not a touch on the real thing. Rating: £5.
Henry Dyer
Arts
24
Political Pet Names: Clement Cattlee, Ron Paw, Rand Paw I guess...
A Case Against Politics
The Witcher 3 (2015): I bought this off Steam in 2016 and my PC still cannot run it. Everyone tells me it's really good but they're always giving me this smarmy, twinkly-eyed look that says ‘Haha Marv you silly twat. I know the graphics card inside your glorified Reddit machine can barely render a blank piece of paper without making it look like a Cubist painting and crashing seventeen times’. Well, sod them. I got around to reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road over the summer, which is pretty good and has characters talking in it, so it's basically The Witcher 3 in all but name. RECOMMENDED, even with such shameless plagarism.
I, as a long-time gamer, believe devs and publishers should stop shoehorning their political agendas into their products. It's ludicrous. I mean, come on. Games are meant to be FUN, not some sort of soapbox! Also, unrelated, but the VAST amount of Soys 'R' Us SJWs TRIGGERED by the CLEARLY ANTI-IMMIGRATION jokes in the DOOM: Eternal gameplay preview is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to how much money I receive from my monthly patrons. Vast. Huge. They're in the double figures, which is unrelated to the fact that the exact same ones keep being brought up as proof of widespread outrage. Be quiet. It's because they're so #CRINGE. Are you #CRINGE? If you're not, make sure to subscribe to my channel for my next video essay. I'll be elaborating for two and a half hours on why the Tenpenny Tower quest in Fallout 3 is a PERFECT ALLEGORY for contemporary Europe's migration policy up to and including the prescence of several hundred ghouls, plus how playing Dragon Age: Inquisition (more like Dragon GAYS: BADquisition am I right fellow gentlesirs) is scientifically proven to cause erectile dysfunction.
God of War (2018): True, this game was published fairly recently. But that's only relative to a human lifespan. What about a midge's? Those poor bastards only live for like a day and they spend it buzzing around rivers and annoying people. So maybe the latest entry in Kratos' saga is a pretty antiquated thing for them. It's been out for... what, five months, now? There's actually generations of midges that have been born and died since then. That's pretty sad when you think about it, isn't it? How life descends so quickly into entropy. Poor midges. NOT RECOMMENDED
This Piece of Pineapple Pizza On My Desk Left Over From Lunch (2018): Divisive among conesseurs, yet regarded as a classic. Slightly dry. Has a nice cheese topping. Some of the crust fell on the floor; I daren't eat that part lest I get carpet botulism, which is absolutely a real illness. RECOMMENDED
A Writhing Amalgamation of YouTube Accounts With Twenty Keyboards and Some Mild Comprehension of Human Speech (guest columnist)
Spotlight: Oldies But Goldies
In the Next Issue...
So, E3's been and gone, and we've got a jolly long time to wait for anything interesting. So here's a selection of classic games that you might've missed, but are pretty much unmissable:
Metroid Prime (2002): In this installment in the monumental franchise, Samus is pitted against a parasite queen upon a spaceship, and then everything explodes. That's about it. There was also a part involving a few minigames in which you go skiiing, but that could've just been the session of Mario Party 4 I hurtled through alongside Metroid in a feverish trance to recapture what having an attention span felt like. NOT RECOMMENDED.
Top 10 World Leaders Whose Genitals Also Look Like Beloved Video Game Characters
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Features
I've Already Mentioned a Fallout Game So 76 Can Wait His Fucking Turn
Trenchfoot Nerfed in Latest Battlefield V Beta Update After Fan Complaints
Sakurai: "Stop Giving Waluigi False Hope, He's Not Going To Make It"
Read old issues and bits of actual journalism...
...Hillary Clinton (name for a lizard), Karl Barks
On the Hunt for Quaaludes: A Transcontinental Adventure
Here at NOICE, we are all about bringing you the freshest, hottest, drug-related content. The NOICE team recently went to see The Wolf of Wall Street at the cinema, only to find out that it isn’t playing anymore. Apparently it stopped playing in cinemas like five years ago, and I missed all of that because I was in a coma after our last drug investigation. That’s just the price you have to pay for hard-hitting journalism. So instead we just streamed it on Netflix, and the experience opened our eyes. A New Beginning I’ve done a lot of crazy shit in my time. I’ve huffed modelling glue, I’ve OD'd on Ambien, I’ve snorted ibuprofen, I’ve even taken chemotherapy drugs and drunk straight ethanol from a fuel pump, but I’ve never seen anything like Quaaludes. In the UK they’re known as ‘Mandies’, but in the States they call them ‘Ludes’. My mum told me they were super popular in the 70s, and then I made her cry when I told her how old and disgusting she was. From that day on me and the NOICE Drugs team vowed to source and binge on some delicious, creamy Ludes. Locating a Source (William H. Rorer, Inc.) Ludes are hard to come by in the UK, so we flew to the seediest state in America to find some: New Jersey. In New Jersey everything is possible: sex with a stranger under a bridge, sex with a stranger in a sexual health clinic, sex with a stranger in a Wawa. You get the picture. We landed in Newark, and started making some enquiries. After a few stabbings, we found a drug dealer who said he could get us some. He seemed legit, but it turned out they were just laxatives that had been spray painted white. We got a bit high off the spray paint, but we mostly just got diarrhoea. To South Africa We were having no luck in America, but we overheard someone saying that Ludes were the most popular drug in South Africa. So we used the NOICE corporate card to book some flights to Cape Town. Once we were there things went downhill pretty quickly. Long story short, Chad got lost and we still haven’t found him, Rick got a pretty nasty STD and had to go home, and Sarah got killed in a drive-by shooting. By day three just me, Tina, and Johnny were left standing. We were able to finally get some Ludes in Mitchells Plain, and we were pretty scared by then so we got on the first flight home. (iafrica.com) Scuppered by Customs Just as we arrived back at the airport, a customs sniffer dog started barking at my bag. We had forgotten to hide the Ludes, which are now illegal. The bastard feds confiscated the whole lot, along with my medical marijuana stash. After two days in police custody we were released, and our trial for smuggling is scheduled in for December. Next Time Join us as we get drunk on toilet wine in a prison, and try out a new alternative to a rehab course: getting shanked in the canteen. Myles Dunnett
... on our website. thelemonpress.co.uk
Features
26
Campus trees. Are they small because YUSU poison them? We sent a team to find out.
An Address from Reverend Clay My fellow citizens,
How glorious it is that I can speak to you directly once again. Truly this is how we are to move forward in life: you, open minded and open eared, and me, bellowing down to the masses about how we can continue our peaceful revolution. It has been a number of months since I last had the opportunity to address my keen followers, and it seems many of you are new to our movement. To you new underlings, may I first say: please give up all other ways of communication to other higher powers. Here in our citrus paradise, we find that a direct line of command working between me, my close personal assistants, and my press team, to you, works best. If you see any other publications, leaflets, supposed 'news sources', or anything else resembling 'print media', I advise you personally to dispose of it in your nearest toilet. That's a few more ply we can use. You may also encounter broadcasts through the air, either in the form of visual recordings, or live radio streams. If you don't possess any thick aluminium-titanium compound sheets to line your house with, a tin foiled lining under your hat, jacket and underwear should protect you.
Having made sure you newcomers are in the loop, let me explain the meaning of my presentation. It has come to my attention that a great evil has swept upon our push for a new future. Do not confuse my words, the good fight is still being fought, our revolutionary satire stockpiles are still filled with witty retort arms and sarcastic bombs, but a new weapon is being pushed against us. Under the pretence of honesty, charity, and good will, thousands of people have attempted to crush our movement by reporting The Lemon Press and its associates to the large number of companies we have used to help collect funds. For example, over the past two years, I have personally sent a team of young men and women to visit local shops and supermarkets to collect spare change to help build our movement. Now for some reason, despite the importance of the revolution we are waging, many of these shops have been writing to us, asking where the normal people are who collect change, and why we have their charity buckets. Naturally, we tell them the truth, but the lies and deceit put forth by our enemies is clearly winning.
This takes me to the meat of the situation. If our efforts of maintaining our war chest are routinely routed, we must find alternate sources of income. Don't forget comrades, it was only a few months ago that you helped to raise the funds to purchase my... our... super yacht. This helped the revolution immensely, not only by raising morale on my weekly patrols, but also by bringing dozens and dozens of new members into our cause, and don't the girls love it with us! See, what you need to be reminded of is the need for these sorts of necessities. How can I give my planned daily morning broadcast without the SingStrong Karaoke machine? How can the many plays I have written to strengthen our solidarity function, without both the money to hire star performers, and later to have them serialised into 12 episode epics? I'm hopeful that John Krasinski will be playing me.
Image: Holly Palmer
Anecdotes aside my younglings, our future awaits. Bring your fellow peoples, bring them to me on their knees. We must increase our support, raise our funds, and crush our opponents. Don't fall by the wayside–let not the foul degeneracy of the old society make us weak– but rise up into our tomorrow.
Yours eminently,
Reverend Dr. Clay CBE FBA BSS SSF (1st Order) 27
Features
Our meetings are fun, you know.
Which came first, the chicken or the nervous 19 year old? No, this isn't rhetorical.
Special Investigation: The Trump Dossier
Worth It? 80p Doritos vs £8 Enchiladas
Doritos
We bought the Cool Original grab bag from Co-Op. The texture and flavours were really good considering the inside of my mouth still primarily tastes of stomach acid and half digested VK blue. This 80p should have been spent on chips last night to prevent such a lurid blue torrent from gushing across my bathroom floor, but I think the investment in this lurid blue bag of maize snacks is worthwhile. It didn't send my palette to Mexico but let's face it nothing short of employment will get me there, and I don't plan on that anytime soon. Oh yeah the Grab Bag gimmick doesn't make any sense for 20p more I could have bought a bag almost double the weight so I'm docking points there. Anyway it's just crisps I'm not elaborating any more on it for you feral mongrels. Enchiladas Later that day I went to Derwent canteen to obtain dinner. Sticking with the Mexican theme I went for some enchiladas. The serving staff offered me a side of nachos with sour cream, salsa, and guacamole dip which sounded great. I then had the choice of two sides, but the selection was more disappointing than the realisation that I could have bought eight of the aforementioned sharing sized bags of Doritos for the same price. I ended up opting for chips and a broccoli cauliflower mix, and a bottle of diet coke as my drink. Sitting down to eat it I felt the sense of dread I imagine only first time doggers might feel. The enchilada was spiceless and more like a chicken pie than a delicious Mexican treat. It, like the chips, was limper and damper than my pride after waking up in a pool of blue tinged upchuck. This was not helped by the staleness of the nachos or just how much excess tepid water was running off my bland vegetables. People say the British have no food culture and they are completely correct. The head chef who designed this menu clearly saw it fit to provide cuisine from a far off place and also provide sides for it that truly sum up the ignorance and cultural bankruptcy of this godforsaken island. The only spice I tasted was the seething rage that I'd spend more than an hour's minimum wage on this ritual of unpalatable blandness. Verdict I smashed the entire bag of Doritos in about a minute. I nursed the enchilada meal for twenty and ended up just eating the least soggy chips and the guacamole before trashing the rest like a half eaten sack of broken dreams and its equally inadequate accomplices. The diet coke irritated my already disturbed gut lining and at that point to be frank I wish I'd just stayed in the lukewarm embrace of my vomit all day. Doritos Wins! Join us next time when we compare a £1 rollie we bought off a guy at the back of the bus and a cigar we stole from your dad! Pasky Miranda
Come along to one! Say hello.
My fellow Americans, and all those other countries’ people, today we ask you: what does it mean to be a Patriot? While we would normally give you a tedious quiz involving Disney Princess gifs to find out, the answer today is simple. Drumpf is a threat to the patriot’s way of life, and we must do everything to uncover the facts and make a stand against fake news. ScuzzFeed have received a top-secret document that has been circulating among the top-clickbait journalists, and today we publish it in summary so the public can finally wake up to the truth…
US Presidential Elections: Russian Candidate Donald Trump Part of Kremlin-Backed Anti-Science Program
– The Russian regime has been running a covert psyops/mind control program for years on US soil, creating division across party lines. – The RNC was rigged from the start; no other explanation can account for the sheer number of lunatics at one Presidential debate the document alleges that not only is Trump a tool of Putin, but so were all the major players (some evidence suggests that Jeb! broke his programming, but was contained after the emergency ‘Guac Bowl Salesman’ subprogramming kicked in) – Trump is not being blackmailed with FSB-organised golden showers, but rather has been fully indoctrinated into the Kremlin’s propaganda machine – The end-goal? To fully discredit Western media as fake news, and convince the American public that urine is not held in the testicles. All the more easier with the Oval Office in the palm of their hands…
We have all read enough Harry Potter to know that the stakes are high. Hermione wouldn’t stand for this. Drumpf is literally Voldemort. We ask you to rally against the disinformation peddled by the highest office in this land. Drumpf has demonstrated time and time again a refusal to believe mainstream science in favour of ‘alternative facts’. First it was climate change denial; tomorrow he will be taking the piss. Write to your local congressman, post an article to your bubble tea and knitting blog, and carry on the conversation offline: Pee is stored in the balls. Educate against hate, and rise up. Steve Snopes, News and Urine Editor
Features
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Top Tip: Pee isn't stored in balls but you should store your balls in pee.
Letters to the Editors, letters from former Editors, fond farewells, Postits, classifieds, top secrets, written statements, death threats, wills, mail bombs, etc. Dear Editors, In response to your request for wills, I have scoured my mind and am happy to present you with this complete list of Wills. 1. Kate-and-Wills 2. Will Smith 3. Willesden, London 4. Will Ow [Fuck off - Eds.] 5. Will Rowin’ 6. will.i.am hill Will You Stop This Please
is impossible to get one — and if you continue your bigotry, that impossibility is a GOOD THING! Yours furiously, Cynthia Coningsby-Wilton
Dear Sirs, For three years I put up with your ‘satire’, and your ‘humour’, and your ‘jibes’. You may have thought I was just a robot, but words can hurt a man, and your words hurt me. Now I’ve left, I can I honestly say: I fancy you both so much. Love, Not Koen Lamberts, Sheffield
Dear Sirs, I am fed up with being reminded that YUSU is dominated by white men, not to mention white men who had big positions in colleges and student media. People don’t realise that these four pricks don’t have a clue about what they’re doing while I’m the one saving Unity Health – instead they just say, ‘Why is there only one woman in the Sabb team?’ I hope that The Lemon Press will not sink so low as to make this the subject of any schoolboy jokes. Geoff Hayle
Dear Llewellyn, I hope this letter finds you well. I worry that in my old age I’ve got the wrong address. All well at home. Hope that you’re enjoying your new job – especially now that you’re getting a proper day’s pay. Will you come and visit sometime? Myfanwy sends her love. Geraint Press DEAR MISOGYNISTS, I am COMPELLED to write into your putrid publication to complain about your sexist agenda. I am FURIOUS that you always refer to MALE bombs and never, ever, pay any attention to the just as damaging and important existence of FEMALE bombs. Please get up to speed with matters, it is 2018! I would cancel my subscription, but it 29
Letters
Dear TLP, When packing for uni, I found I can fit everything I need into a single plastic carrier bag. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Clarry Hay
Dear TLP, I was told that when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I have not been able to make lemonade out of this magazine. You will be hearing from my lawyers. Paddy O'Greenpasture For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn. Didn't fit. Fat crying lazy bastard.
Dear reader, this is a cry for help. Press your ear against the window, and you’ll hear my bereft wail echoing from across the pond. Somehow, fate has dropped me in a strange and eerie land that shares a name with my place of birth. This is London — but not as I know it. London, Ontario: big and broad, full of Canadian enthusiasm and cult chanting. Every day I wander the streets in a state of horror. All the names are the same! Creativity, thy name is not London, Ontario! Why must the roads mock me with their faulty pretences? Oxford Street? Pah! Oxford Street would never be so serene! Where are the heaving, shoving crowds? The slackjawed tourists? Where is the choking stench of a bus backfiring? This city mocks me with its river Thames. Our own proud river would never deign to be so clean. The sight of jolly Canadians standing hipdeep in the water, whistling as they fish, without the barest hint of waterborne disease, disgusts me. The thought of all that unmutated wildlife playing along the shore sends shivers down my spine — these things are not right! Balance must be restored! Oh, reader, I do not know how long I shall have to reside here. I only hope that I can somehow grow accustomed to these unnatural sights. If not — well. If not, then may God have mercy on my soul. Perhaps one day I shall learn to appreciate the eerie clang of the bells of this red-
bricked, Canadian St. Paul’s Cathedral... but that day has yet to come. Izzy Palmer, Editor 20172018, Canada
Wanted: a nanny for two real shits. Really can’t emphasise what a pair of spoiled brats these fuckers are. Nanny should be in possession of: •Good manners •Prodigious temper •Modest dress sense •Large riding crop (no horse riding experience required) •Firm backhand Contact Winifred Banks at Kensington 937. STRICTLY NO MAGICAL PERSONS, EXPANDING SUITCASES, OR MADE UP WORDS. SALE: SECOND-HAND SPINNY CHAIRS A private collection of 48 black executive spinny chairs is for sale, either individually or in a group. The previous owner took good care of them, ‘feeding’ them oil and talking to them occasionally, but has been unable to take them to his new position at Sheffield.
These spinny chairs are much distinguished from other York collections of office furniture, such as the dilapidated Adam Bennett selection, and are of a different pedigree entirely.
Available at a range of costs, with or without scent/sweat/other fluids removal treatment if desired. Jo Bangun-Hors-Burgh, Heslington Hall
Look, we just want to get to 2000 likes.
All done. Join the society to write more of this shit. Dear reader, Many of you who are reading this may be beginning their journey through a degree at the University of York. Some people say that your time at uni will be the best time of your life, others say it may be the most difficult time of your existence on this Earth. You might end up having a better time than you could ever imagine. Who knows, you might end up hating every second of it. You might end up writing for a satire magazine for eight (8) years, tumbling endlessly through time and space as you shape and contribute to the society, spiralling into it for a time period longer than double that of the average student's stint at university, forever cursed to have your name (or indeed likeness) emblazoned on this glorified toilet roll which you now hold in your petulant hands. Seeing entire cohorts come and go puts a perspective on your experience as a student and you see almost all of it, especially student media, for it really is: bullshit propagated by children with no
self-awareness. That isn't to say it isn't authentic or heartfelt, but you swiftly will begin to observe the student bubble in all its baffling self-assuredness. And you should eat it. Jump right in. Absorb all of it, relish the one opportunity in your life that society doesn't blink an eyelid at you microwaving tinned spaghetti for dinner at 5am after you've walked home covered in someone else's sweat. It might be squalid and disgusting, the bin smell permeating your every molecule, and you may develop a Pavlovian response whereby seeing any material covered in your course causes you to think of every bad decision you were reflecting on at those 9am lectures. But let me tell you now that the outside world is a slow motion car crash where time travels at one tenth of the speed it does at university and in all that gratingly slow time you have a lot of time to think. You begin to realise the only ever bad decision you made in your life was NOT sitting in a confined library room that
stinks of cabbage scented sweat for a full 24 hours laying up a godforsaken magazine that very few people will actually read, NOT deciding to join your friend on that one unplanned night out where you mug every student election candidate of their placards in the nightclub and laugh as you literally eat the cardboard into bits in front of their faces, NOT staying up until 7am just to watch the soul moving beauty of the sun rise over Clifford’s Tower before you fall asleep on a nearby park bench. The one thing I say unto thee, dear reader, is grab this life by the balls and go mad with it, because the moment you leave life will most assuredly grab yours. And let me tell you now, it won’t be kind. Farewell dear reader. It has been a ride. Be excellent to each other. Yours The Lad of the Lake, Pasky Miranda Editors' note: Cheers Lad for your phenomenal years of service at TLP. Best of luck ahead.
Musicians are Bad People: A Crossword
Down 1 Tried to kill Elvis (5,3,5) 2 Punched a reporter in 1948 (5,7) 3 Pissed on the floor of a plane due to impatience (4,8) 4 Told an audience to keep Britain from becoming a ‘Black Colony’ (4,7) 5 Arrested for taking a 14-year-old girl across state lines (5,5) 6 Believes Jews can sense Nazi blood (3,5)
So. Farewell Then Koen Lamberts. You were From Belgium Which is in Europe But lived in England Which is not. And now Like that song You are Koen Koen Gone. M C Dunnedin, 2:1
Across 7 Claimed ‘Britain is ready for a fascist leader’ (5,5) 8 Blamed Kate Middleton for a nurse's suicide (9) 9 Spat on a shop attendant (5,9)
This is my fourteenth layup at The Lemon Press – it’s just like the first. Myles ‘Been and’ Dunnett
Help us out, will you?
Haiku
Are things too much for you at work? Seems like everyone’s on your case? Feeling like you need to get out before you drop out – or you’re thrown out? At Urquhart Escapes, we specialise in helping strained clients make a smooth transition from tough occupations to relaxing recuperations. Our service lets you get away from tense, stressful, closed spaces and back to a life of comfort, leisure and no responsibilities. ‘Things became so crazy at work all of a sudden,’ says Alex, ‘and it felt like everyone wanted me to go. But with this company’s help, I slipped out the backdoor and took some time in Spain to recover. No more pressure, no need to quit.’ Urquhart Escapes: When the going gets tough, we’ll help you get going.
Letters and Puzzles & Poetry
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