The Lemon Press – Issue 1

The Lemon Press

Page 2

Autumn Term 09/10

The Lemon Press

From the editor...

Contents

Welcome to the very first (hopefully not the last) issue of The Lemon Press. As the Editor I suppose it would be appropriate for me to tell you a little bit about us and what we do. It all began when, in a drunken stupor, I had a realisation. My CV has almost nothing on it. This got me thinking: what did the students of the University of York need, yet didn’t know they so desperately needed? The answer was obvious: another campus-magazine. Thus, The Lemon Press was born from the ashes of my despair. Created as an outlet for light-hearted satire, creative writing and miscellaneous insight, the magazine is intended to fill the gaping humour-shaped hole in campus publications. We aim to cater for those who can’t look at ‘new and provocative Fashion, Arts, Music and Film,’ without snickering just a little bit.

Although the Editorial team justifiably refers to me as the Über-Führer, I cannot take all of the credit for the magazine that you hold in front of you. Without the hard work of many, The Lemon Press would not have been possible. In order of importance, I would like to thank the following people: Melissa, for sleeping her way to the top, Dexter for disposing of that “package” for me and YUSU for their cold, hard cash. On a marginally more serious note, I would like to thank all those who’ve their contributed articles and time to the production of the magazine. My gratitude also goes to Rhianna Kinchin for her tireless work, Tim Ngwena and Rory Shanks, who is sadly no longer with us. On that note, all I have left to say is enjoy.

Joe Regan Disclaimer: Any mistakes in the magazine are intentional, unless they cause offense or risk legal prosecution, in which case all responsibility is passed onto my co-editor Ryan Fitzgerald, who by reading this gives his approval and signs agreement with these terms.

Campus Life Politics Lifestyle Music Creative Writing Film

4-8 9-13 14-17 18-22 23-26 27-29

Editorial Team: Joe James Regan Co-Editor Ryan Fitzgerald Co-Editor Chris Burgess Deputy Editor, Creative Editor Mandi Madavo Deputy Creative Editor Dave Walker Graphics Editor, Photography Alex Russell Chief Sub-editor, Merchandise Elliott Gresswell Sub-editor Hayley Fairclough Co-music Editor Sarah Jeffery Co-music Editor Dominic Mantle Film Editor Arthur Pitt Advertising & Marketing Jack Williams Advertising & Marketing Dexter Tilley Visionary Melissa Von Schmitt Human Resources

Committee members: Joe James Regan Vicky Proctor Elliott Gresswell

Chair Treasurer Minor Annoyance, Secretary

Arbitrary Party-Duck says, “visit our website for the extended version of The Lemon Press” : www.thelemonpress.co.uk Autumn Term 09/10

P age 3

Campus Life

The Lemon Press

Costcutter fears it's not bankrupting enough students The closest supermarket for students on University campus has hit back at accusations of having prices that could, in theory, be considered less than eye-wateringly expensive, by promising to price check all its items and double, or even triple, their cost.

'We take allegations of agreeable prices very seriously' said a spokesman for the accused store, 'we owe it to our customers to charge way more than is necessary for our goods'.

The rumours are said to have spread from a disgruntled student who, when buying a litre of milk, found that the price wasn't that much more than a local store in Heslington village. After telling some of her friends, they too found that the milk you can buy in Costcutters isn't 'ludicrously expensive'. In fact, The Lemon Press has learned that the prices are such that students who are, according to scientific study, 'clinically lazy bastards', are more likely to buy their goods at Costcutter than elsewhere, despite the prices, because alternative options 'involve effort'. This is because super computers at the Costcutter headquarters (rumoured to be on an obscure island

typically represented on maps as a skull and crossbones symbol) have managed to work out by how much they can over-charge for their products while not angering students enough to prompt them into action. The results were staggering. Costcutter found that they could significantly increase their prices with no response from students other than harmless grumbling.

'It's amazing, we were expecting a Facebook group at least, but we didn't even get that. Now we know that we can increase our prices further without stirring the hornet’s nest, as it were. Well, I say hornet’s, it's more like poking a corpse with a stick', exclaimed a grey suited gentleman who clearly lived, breathed and worshipped boardroom meetings while eating nothing but pie charts.

Meanwhile, psychology professors from several universities have used the data to re-evaluate what we know about the typical student psyche. They found that outside of cyber-space, teenagers were unable to function effectively, with most experiences needing a Facebook status update or group before their minds could properly process the event.

Visit our Facebook group at www.facebook.com/thelemonpress

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Unreported Campus Offering an insight into the lives of those ‘forgotten’ by the campus media machine Goodricke College’s long awaited summer relocation to Heslington East has sparked a fresh wave of campus-wide porter-related violence. The move, seen as instrumental to the University’s long term plans for expansion, has in fact left a bloody power vacuum in its wake. A previously peaceful corner of the University, Old Goodricke has now become the centre of a series of tit-for-tat encounters between rival porter ‘crews’. Spurred on by a long, balmy summer and lack of real responsibilities porters from bordering colleges moved to stake their claims on the dormant land. Such animosities reached their height in early August with on average three killings a day. The most significant fatality of which being that of the ‘Wentworth Warriors’ Kingpin Doris ‘ the Butcher’ Brady, gunned down whilst sorting post.

The spiral of violence has been blamed in part on the strategic importance of Old Goodricke which acts as a vital porting stop-off between Vanbrugh and James.

Asked why they could not simply resolve their differences through talking, not shooting, gang member Derek commented, ‘It’s not that we love being gangsters, it’s just a kill or be killed environment’. The University, in typically deceptive style, moved quickly to hush talk of any such trouble. In an attempt to calm the situation and maintain a front of control they announced that the buildings would be divided equally between the rival possies. However, this move has done little to curb bloody clashes, which threaten to mar the start of term and promises to be a ‘total inconvenience’.

The gang tensions initially surfaced in late 2008, with the bitter dispute between the neighboring ‘Langwith Locos’ and ‘Vanbrugh Souljas’. This incident has since become synonymous with the failed ‘Save our Porters’ campaign, though University still maintains that subsequent porter cut-backs were simply a cost-cutting measure and not an attempt to gloss over a spate of brutal gangland slayings. When asked to comment one University official (predictably following protocol) replied ‘ what on earth are you talking about? Please leave my office’.

Autumn Term 09/10

Orationem pulchram non habens, scribo ista linea in lingua Latina

The Lemon Press

"... And to your left, you will see a thousand monkeys working on a thousand typewriters, on loan from the National Shakespeare Museum. They are in charge of your Student Finance application” In an unorthodox move, the Student Loans Company has recently announced the intention of loaning itself the sum of £190million. This strategy has been dubbed a ‘Long term regresso-investment,’ and is hoped to bail the institution out of its current financial trouble.

According to one representative from within the company, ‘You people have no idea how bad the situation is. The SLC purse melted down years ago. We need this money.’ Unfortunately, said representative was unable to confirm his contact details since (as part of a previous cost-cutting measure) all Student Loan Company employees have had their identities auctioned off.

Without access to any nameable sources, The Lemon Press was forced to send one of its own men undercover to ascertain the state of things within the corporate machine. Nondescript reporter John Smith bravely volunteered for the job, promptly getting himself promoted to Regional Director of the Company’s Glasgow-based head office.

Unfortunately, Smith never returned from his assignment. His sacrifice was not in vain; his story was smuggled out to us in a series of encrypted emails. Our in-office experts have worked hard to reassemble his account, which follows.

Upon arriving at the Student Loans HQ, Smith was given a tour of the structure. ‘The outside was in pretty bad shape,’ he claimed. ‘It was an old building, a warehouse. The inside was even worse. Torn student loan applications littered the floor. Filing cabinets lay on their side, chairs and desks overturned. Some other guys were sleeping on-site, they couldn’t afford housing. I saw blankets, tents, people roasting beans over an open fire...’

As Director of the area, Smith found himself privy to several incriminating documents- documents revealing the source of the Company’s financial woes. ‘It started off small,’ Smith said, ‘with a series of minor cutbacks.

Then, as the management became more power-mad and more obsessed with saving money, they came to ask... Why do lay-about students deserve whole human beings to handle their finances? Surely animals could be employed to do the same job, at half the cost?’ Soon, the Company was experimenting with training different kinds of creature to handle loan applications.

Meanwhile, cost-cutting measures became more and more severe. ‘Instead of a proper complaints department, they demanded the construction of specialised anti-complaint robots who wouldn’t need to be paid,’ Smith revealed. ‘But developing the robots

Autumn Term 09/10

Our inside man explores the monumental cock-up that is Student Finance

proved too expensive, so instead they settled for a bunch of novelty alarm clocks Sellotaped to stolen phone headsets’. Meanwhile, the Animal Initiative was reduced to its lowest state. ‘I was shown a room, today,’ said Smith. ‘I was told: “And to your left you will see a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters.

They are in charge of handling your student finance applications”. The room smelt awful... some of the monkeys hadn’t been fed for weeks, and were trying to consume their typewriters.’

The worst horror came in the form of the Company’s management team. Having become accustomed to a life of hoarded wealth, the management developed a crippling addiction to liquid gold, injected directly into their veins. They came to demand regular offerings of yet more gold from their starved employees- if the employees failed to comply, then their pain collars would explode.

Gold being well-known for its evil inducing properties, the management soon became creatures of pure darkness. Confronted with their fiduciary dilemma, said Smith: ‘They decided to fix their problems by agreeing to loan themselves an unpayable debt... on proper completion of all the required forms.

They thereby committed the ultimate act of malevolence- bureaucracy against the self.’

Smith had further information, which he hoped to smuggle out to us. Unfortunately his pain collar exploded, prematurely ending the investigation. His last words were a summation of the SLC’s bizarreness: ‘It may all seem strange,’ he mused, ‘but let’s face it. It’s the only way the Student Loan Company’s actions make any sense at all’.

P age 5

Campus Life

The Lemon Press

FISH SPOTTED ON YORK UNIVERSITY CAMPUS In an alarming turn of events, recent eye-witness reports from around campus indicate the existence of an actual living fish within the University’s ambitiously named ‘Lake’. Authorities initially dismissed these rumours as the result of overactive and alcohol addled student imaginationhowever, recent accounts have stemmed from far more reliable (and indeed sober) sources. Witnesses have spoken of a mysterious, dark shape writhing beneath the water’s murky surface- it’s profile matching neither duck nor swan. The shape invariably disappears before its identity can be verified.

Experts in the field of Science(!)™ have urged caution in the face of irrational conclusion. ‘The University Lake was rendered uninhabitable to aquatic life-forms decades ago,’ claims one such Expert. ‘Why, in order to survive under these conditions, the creature would have to be some kind of Super-Fish. In all probability these so-called witnesses simply saw a polar bear or unusually large rock, and found themselves appropriately confused’.

But a Super-Fish is precisely what authorities fear.

Since accounts have been sketchy, it is obviously difficult to estimate the size, strength and capabilities of the Fish. However preliminary estimates indicate that the creature could be anywhere between 5 and 50 metres in length, and capable of speeds in excess of 30mph. Given this, students are warned not to approach the beast if they see it.

Instead, the recommended advice is to withdraw to a safe distance immediately and call for help. Preferably in loud, shrill tones.

This incident has brought to mind the York establishment’s alarming lack of preparedness for monsterisation situations. Faced with the possibility of a fast, capable, (potentially) Panzer-tank sized foe which may or may not have laser eyes, the York Emergency Services have remained perplexingly blasé. ‘Well, we have a little betting pool at the office,’ claimed one Emergency Service representative, ‘and so far, our safest money is on some kind of Godzilla’.

Ridiculous notions of Godzilla aside, the fact is that the Fish remains at large and dangerous. Despite pledges from the Provost’s Union that the creature will be caught and killed by a non-specific sundown deadline, little confidence has been inspired amongst the student population. The Fish is currently thought to be feeding on the ducks and geese of the lake, and measure of student panic levels can be taken by observing just how few people are dressing up as ducks these days. With even people’s dress sense being affected by the monster, mass hysteria cannot be far away.

Graph detailing Student Panic Levels. Notice the sharp increase in recent times.

By Elliott Gresswell

Page 6

Autumn Term 09/10

Non sum pisces

The Lemon Press

Surprisingly, a few student activists have nevertheless objected to the Provost’s ‘Catch And Kill’ policy. A Pro-Super-Fish support group (“Fin Soc”) has cropped up on campus, filled with environmentalist ne’er-do-wellers insisting that the Fish be treated humanely. Predictably, the majority have dismissed these radicals as a minor nuisance and almost certain to become future fodder for the Fish.

In the face of what is certain to be a testing time for us all, we here at The Lemon Press would like to urge calm. The University of York has faced dangers from the lake before. The Great Trolley Migration of ’03 (in which hundreds of algae infested supermarket trolleys dumped in the lake attainted sentience and went on a rampage) is just one example of such. Every day, students are forced to bravely fend off mutant moorhens and malevolent swans. In the face of these threats, we have always prevailed. While it would be wrong to sugar-coat the matter- by the time you finish reading this article, someone you know will almost certainly have been harmed by the Fish- optimism is warranted. This Fish may be king of the seas, but it has no place on our land.

University issued Survival Tips.

REMEMBER: Real life is not a movie, and you are not the plucky main character. Do not attempt to tackle the Fish in some feeble attempt at heroism; you will be hurt, possibly killed. However, since life is not a movie, the following tactics may in fact be successful in case of a monster attack, and you are urged to try them: •Cowering in fear.

•Begging for your life.

•Screaming for help.

•Screaming for pity.

•Screaming for mercy.

•Betraying your friends.

•Fleeing for your life through a large open space.

•Passive-aggressive whining.

•Abject terror.

Artist’s interpretation of the ‘Super-Fish’, seen here eating God. (Picture may portray inaccurate scale).

Autumn Term 09/10

P age 7

Campus Life

The Lemon Press

Dire warning from experts: “internet will crash in six years” Researchers at the South Hawaii Institute of Technology have predicted that the internet’s days are numbered if usage trends continue. Their report, published last July, states that the world is simply running out of space to store all of the information. Head scientist Dr Al. Yubolsov explains, ‘many people don’t realise that all this data requires storage – it’s not simply floating around in cyberspace. The problem is that now there’s just too much of it, and we can’t keep up’.

In the early days of the internet very little data was actually stored online; the net was simply used to send information between groups of computers, predominantly gaming enthusiasts playing text-based RPGs or students debating the relative virtues of Captain Picard vs. Captain Kirk.

Now, however, many people live out their lives online, and the internet is awash with their personal details and effects. Alcott believes he knows who is to blame for the imminent crash, pointing out his neighbours on both sides of the Pacific.

“If you analyse the data, at least 45% of the internet is filled with pictures taken by Japanese tourists. Most of these are taken in front of minor landmarks, usually with their friends huddled in the foreground. Another 20% is used up by the incessant blogging and tweeting of American teenagers. Of this, about 40% is devoted to emotional overshare on Facebook while another 30% concerns the subject’s position in a queue at Starbucks.”

The heads of the ‘Big Five’ computer and technology firms have so far been unavailable for comment due to prior commitments involving MarioKart. Apple boss Steve Jobs (who we ran into by accident at PC World), called the prediction, “a damned shame”, stating he had, “just got the hang of this interweb thingy”.

IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO

Japanese scientists have created a robot programmed to act as a dance partner for single people. They claim the robots, which come in ‘male’ or ‘female’ form and can also be dressed-up, perform a variety of dances to a decent standard; a repertoire that ranges from the foxtrot to the chacha-cha. One source told me: “It’s fantastic. It takes away both the hassle of finding a partner and the sharp sting of rejection. No longer will people laugh at me for being single and lonely *sob*. It’s the most important invention in years, maybe ever”.

Critics have predictably scoffed at the news, arguing that it’s political correctness gone mad, but others say it’s a victory for civil liberties. Apparently it's not uncommon in Japan to count androids amongst your friends.

The only sticking point is the price: ‘Lionel’ and ‘Leona’, as they have been dubbed, weigh in at an eye-watering £15,000 each which will surely prove too costly in the present economic climate. No one from the government was available for comment on what it is doing to help people on low and middle incomes afford this vital new technology. However, the opposition has hinted at the possibility of subsidising the cost if they’re voted in at the next general election.

By Dominic Mantle

Tourist pictures Emo blogs Failing myspace bands “Bring back Firefly” petitions <x> girls <y> cups

By Dave Walker

Page 8

Autumn Term 09/10

The Lemon Press

Iran successfully launches paper aeroplane

By Samuel Bizmuth Thornton The U.N. has called an emergency meeting after Iran successfully launched a paper aeroplane into the atmosphere. Flying more than one and a half metres, the plane was said by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to be for 'defensive and scientific purposes'. The plane is rumored to be constructed from thick, A4-sized card, sturdy enough to handle a small gust of wind.

There are fears that the plane could one day be used for carrying nuclear weapons, although U.S. scaremongering is so far rather uninformative. Barack Obama called for calm in these troublesome times, not wishing to ruffle Iran's feathers by referencing terrorism, instead choosing to release a comment stating that they'll 'fry those foreign bastards should they make anything more advanced than a paper-clip'.

Gordon Brown has so far said, in the words of his closest aide, 'precisely feck all', which, while not out of the ordinary in times of need, has raised fears that the Prime Minister is actually cowering in a bunker deep in the Scottish highlands. His aides promised that 'If that were the case, we can assure the general public that he won't emerge in war paint reminiscent of Mel Gibson bellowing 'Freedom!''. This was met with disappointment by all who would quite like to hang, draw and quarter him.

This isn't the first time that Iran has startled the international community. Last year, the Iranian Defence Minister Mohammed Najjar, famously kicked a stone across the road while walking down the street, stoking fears that Iran was about to unleash World War 3 across God's green Earth.

However, it was never established whether this was an ordinary, everyday event or Iran hinting at being behind a global conspiracy to spread Terror©. The U.N. was quick to respond, writing Iran a strongly-worded letter asking it very politely to maybe consider letting some inspectors in, at some point, but that there really was no rush.

Arbitrary Party-Duck says, “to hear more about the follies of your human government visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Autumn Term 09/10

£1million wasted after Thatcher death 'false alarm‘

By Michael Regan Following the hoax declaration of former Prime Minister Lady Margaret Thatcher's death, early estimates are that prematurely celebrating joyous Brits have wasted nearly £1million on now non-existent street parties arranged to celebrate the death of the hugely unpopular former premier. Last Monday a drunken Nicky Campbell announced that Lady Thatcher had died, during his regular slot on Radio Five Live.

The news then spread rapidly through media networks, and with no denial forthcoming from the Thatcher camp, plans were enacted to celebrate her death.

However on Wednesday, Lady Thatcher's aides emerging from a three day game of strip poker with daughter Carol Thatcher finally became aware of the rumours. Unfortunately their firm refute of the claims came too late for the funds of thousands of Brits who had joined together as communities to arrange glorious street parties and concerts to celebrate Lady Thatcher's passing. The London bash was scheduled to take place this Friday in Hyde Park and was set to be the biggest event there since Live 8 in 2005. Conservative leader David Cameron had argued that her alleged passing was not dissimilar to Live 8 in its capacity to bring people together, he claimed, "What I have seen in hundreds of communities across Britain is fantastic, people have come together around a common thought and showed that even in this time of crisis, Britons can still throw a bloody good party".

In order to chime themselves with public opinion, the Conservative Party will also be holding a "Thatcher Death" bash in Trafalgar square. Unperturbed by the inconvenient survival of Baroness Thatcher, party Chairman Ed Pickles announced "Our party will be the wildest Thatcher death party of them all".

P age 9

The Lemon Press

Politics

Down, nearly out and feeling blue

By Alex Russell

“When we get past the politics of division and distraction and we start actually focusing on what we have in common, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish”, announced Barack Obama in a television advertisement for his election campaign.

But is it really so easy to get past the “division” that, for many, is integral to politics the world over? It seems to me that fundamental differences of opinion cannot be so easily overlooked. If, for example, I support Labour’s confidence in the European system and thus have issues with the Conservative suspicion of British involvement in Europe; will this not affect my overall attitude to the Conservative party?

1

Lord Mandelson, First Secretary of State

It is true that occasionally individuals do disagree with certain of their own party’s policies and so come out in support of the opposition. In 1998, Lord Cranborne, then Tory leader in the Lords, infamously co-operated with Tony Blair and his plans to reform the House of Lords. But wholesale appreciation of the values of competing parties remains rare. Until now, that is. With Labour likely heading for a horrific defeat at the next election, it is only right to re-evaluate where some of the most prominent figures sit on the red-blue scale. Here’s The Lemon Press’ Top 5 political cross-dressers:

3

Recently awarded a ‘We love Mandy’ headline by the Daily Mirror, Mandelson’s return to frontline British politics in October 2008 has been billed as one of the most successful comebacks of all time. With more titles than you can shake a stick at, being also Business Secretary and Lord President of the Council, Mandelson’s recent ascent has even provoked talk of whether he could replace Gordon Brown as Labour leader. But then, on the front page of the Sunday Times in late September came the headline: ‘Mandelson: I would work for Tories’. We know of Mandelson’s penchant for the rich and famous, so is he now hankering after friends who might think his yacht-loving acceptable?

(Photo: Press Association)

2

Ed Balls, Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families

Considering Balls is responsible for statefunded education, he has remarkably little personal experience of this. He was educated at the private Nottingham High School and read PPE at Keble College, Oxford, before ending up at Harvard. He even dabbled as a member of Oxford’s Conservative Association, so heaven knows how he ended up as a Labour MP. The pick of his underlying Conservative attributes is, however, the £100,000 he earned for less than a year’s work at a think tank between 2004 and 2005. He may be a member of a party which prides itself on promoting equality, but his life smacks of elitism. (Photo: Getty Images)

Harriet Harman, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party

All hail a York graduate, or not as the case may be. Although her party is responsible for the decline in the power of the aristocracy, Harman is, in fact, almost one of them. Her aunt was the late Countess of Longford, through which she is related to historian and widow of Harold Pinter, Lady Antonia Fraser. Harman is responsible for her party’s equal opportunities policies as

Page 10

Minister for Women and Equality; yet went to the über-elite St Paul’s Girls School, of which Boris Johnson’s sister is a former pupil. How exactly is she meant to know anything about struggling against social hierarchies?

According to a May 2009 article in The Sun, she may even be related to David Cameron! (Photo: Press Association)

Autumn Term 09/10

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt...

4

The Lemon Press

Shaun Woodward, Secretary of State for Northern Ireland

Woodward rarely features in political news stories, but he certainly grabbed the headlines in 1999 when he defected from—you guessed it—the Conservatives. A former Tory Director of Communications, he was elected to Parliament in 1997 as MP for Witney and served as a Conservative frontbench spokesman on London until he was sacked in 1999. Woodward moved to become MP for St Helens at the 2001 election, and was replaced in Witney by none other than David Cameron. Married to Camilla, daughter of former Conservative MP Sir Tim Sainsbury, and worth an estimated £15 million, it remains to be seen whether Woodward will go crawling back to the Tories when the tide turns next year. (Photo: Press Association)

Small ads Wanted: new, enthusiastic Co-Editor.

Will trade in part exchange for older model: good condition, well worn and cynical. Sassy young female preferred.

Wanted: hitman to remove current editorial team. Apply direct to deputyeditor, CB.

5

Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Democrats

For Sale: Dave’s dignity and self respect.

All reasonable offers considered.

It is always good to have an enigma.

Clegg is certainly that, being not a Labour member of this Top 5 but a Liberal Democrat. Nevertheless, he too has his Tory leanings. Clegg was educated at the £10,000 per term Westminster School, and completed the obligatory public school gap year working as a ski instructor in Austria. Then came Robinson College, Cambridge and a stint as a member of the university’s Cambridge Association; although Clegg has “no recollection of that whatsoever”. Really? I like Clegg, but I sometimes wonder whether he only became a Lib Dem because it’s easier to be successful amongst an older crowd than to compete with the likes of David Cameron. (Photo: Press Association)

Autumn Term 09/10

P age 11

Politics

The Lemon Press

Dear Damien Right wing retorts to your poignant (or pointless) musings.

With a lifelong membership in the BNP, self-confessed 'visionary' Damien certainly feels he has the authority to comment upon your letters, emails and texts. And since we lost a game of pool with him, we owe him this article space. So... sorry about that...

“I am genuinely worried about the image that the University of York transmits to the world. Ugly buildings, electing pirates to positions of authority and allowing swans to act out their evil plan is one thing... but losing University Challenge is a step too far. Without Paxman's respect, York is dead to me” Nicholas Burton, 2nd Year History.

Like many infamous events of the past century, Paxman's intelligence is highly exaggerated. His opinion shouldn't be valued. At any rate, if only UK born students were allowed on the BBC then all these silly questions about curry, plumbing and noodles could be scrapped. Then get rid of female contestants, comic relief and Radio 1 Xtra and we would have a BRITISH broadcasting corporation.

"The University shops are massively overpriced! Did you know I once found a tasty tin of Tennant's Super Strong Lager on a wall down near Tang Hall, but at Costcutter it costs me £1.75?! That's a price hike by a factor of INFINITY! I for one won't stand for it." Orlando, 3rd Year Philosophy.

Freeloading leftie! Trying to get wasted for free!

What's next? Getting drunk at the taxpayer's expense?

Real citizens like me use their student loan.

"I want to talk British politics. This Labour government has no charisma. Gordon Brown doesn't exactly sell his ability to lead a country. The trouble is that there isn't really an alternative. Cameron tries too hard with his image and Clegg is too vague as a liberal. Even if you don't like the American system, at least the leaders have some sort of personality for the ordinary citizen to latch onto." Mark, 2nd Year Biology.

Kids only like Obama because they like hip hop.

If you want a charismatic leader then try Nick Griffin. A fine example of a man both physically and mentally. Clear sensible policies and the most handsome example of a droopy eye I've ever seen.

"I don't want to alarm anyone but the newer side of the library looks like the building which goes underground in the opening credits to Stingray. Cheap York alumni wouldn't cough up for a model of Tracey Island it seems!

Chortle!" Bertie Bottie, 2nd Year Law. As the more financially successful show, Thunderbirds will always get my vote. Moreover, if Aqua-marina was indeed a mute then have her euthanasia'd! Don't mate with God's filthy mistake! Its marionette-based political correctness gone mad!

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"That sculpture on the hillock near central hall is shit."

Anon. [SMS] Yes it is.

"That sculpture on the path up to the library is shit."

Anon. [SMS] Yes it is.

"I disagree with Anon. and find his/her opinions to be based on aesthetics rather than connotations”. Anon. 2.

A government under the BNP wouldn't let you filthy liberal dogs hide under such unimaginative aliases.

Autumn Term 09/10

Braccae tuae aperiuntur

The Lemon Press

"Posters around campus have promised a massive poster sale on campus for media-hungry Freshers.

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered most posters were a measly 33.1x23.4 inches! We had a right good LOL about that when I got back to the drama barn!" Alex Floof, 1st Year Drama.

Did you know that standardisation of poster size was rejected by the industry after the millions of immigrants and homosexuals protested the move claiming it was discriminatory. You have to ask yourself citizens of Britain: who are the real closeminded, politically challenged, emotionally stunted, bigoted bastards? Not us. Not us.

"The msg on the karzi door at Ziggy's told me I shud txt dis numbr for hardcor akshun. TB." David. [SMS] Err.. pitiful socialist joke! No doubt! Stop spamming my page! And certainly don't discreetly spam my email deardamien@hotmail.com!

“I think its ridiculous that the sports centre doesn't even have a swimming pool! I have to travel all the way across town to take a dip. I may be aquaphobic, but I know my rights!” Margaret, 5th Year Failure.

In times of recession, spending has to be prioritised. If we spent money on a swimming pool then we couldn't build brand new college accommodation and paint it uglier colours than the building it replaces. That's just good old fashioned white middle-class common sense.

“I thought all racism was bad until I realised if you combine Nick Griffin and David Irving, you get David Griffin, star of beloved BBC sitcoms Hi-De-Hi and Keeping Up Appearances! Now I can't wait to disappoint the rest of Britain by voting the BNP into power in Yorkshire and Humber!”

John, 4th Year Maths Ultimately, we are unstoppable. Not because of our underhand methods and questionable intentions, good heavens no! But David Griffin: Ultimate because ultimately incarnation of prejudice Britain cannot deny that we are the best party for the job of running this country and creating mildly amusing sitcoms for Sunday afternoons slots on Dave.

Got something pointless to point out? I'll point out your socialist mistakes for free!

Deardamien@hotmail.com.

Autumn Term 09/10

MISS M SOLVES ALL YOUR PROBLEMS Dear Miss M, I don’t know what to do. I’m broke, I’m single, and Uni isn’t quite the hedonistic playground I had imagined it would be. What can I do?! Help!

Lonely Lady, Goodricke Dear Lonely Lady, Oh what a pickle! No need to panic my love, we’ve all been there. Just relax, mix a Martini and I’ll let you in on the secret of my success.

I met the Oligarch half way through my first year.

Broke from living well outside my meagre Student loan means, degree suffering after one too many nights out attempting to network, and sick and tired of being felt up by drunken louts in Ziggy’s; York had lost all of its lustre and sheen. Determined to pick myself up out of this most disturbing depression, I slipped on my slinkiest red dress, scraped together enough money for a Martini and headed out to one of York’s finer drinking establishments to escape the monotony that had characterised most of my nights since the thrill of Fresher’s week had ended.

I was perched on a stool at the bar, nursing the Dirty Martini that had so casually stolen the remainder of my loan and feeling decidedly sorry for myself when a deep and delicious growl cut through my stupor. I looked up, into the most astonishing blue eyes ever to capture mine, and melted. To say I was swept off my feet is an enormous understatement. That night, and in the nights following it, the Oligarch showed me the life that I had always dreamed of was, indeed, possible: decadence, dancing, delicious food and drink and the most fantastically debauched sex I have ever experienced. The life of an Oligarch’s mistress certainly suited me. And, it suits me still. Ensconced in my Ouseside penthouse, showered with beautiful things, and with my tuition paid for, I’m free to pursue my degree in a far more refined setting than most students can dream of!

So what advice can I offer you my darling? Even if you can’t replicate my dizzying successes, I’d still encourage you to get out and at least for one night try to experience University life the way I experience it, in all its glittering, extravagant and unexpected glory: all it takes is a dazzling dress, a delicious cocktail and a gorgeous stranger to pick up an otherwise dull week.

Darling, please don’t fear. Just take a leaf out of my notso-little Black Book and take a path where the drinks are dirtier, the dresses lower cut, the word ‘shame’ is not in your vocabulary and life is a whole lot more interesting.

Miss M

P age1 3

Lifestyle

The Lemon Press

UNCHARTED LANDS: EXPLORING ACOMB Like many students, I long to explore exotic and far-flung lands.

To taste sun-ripened delicacies. To glimpse unknown wonders. And to smell foreign climes.

I spent my gap year milking the wild yaks of the Nepalese mountains, an activity which I believed had satiated my travelling impulses. But alas. Once more I longed to suckle at the breast of adventure. However, for my next journey I wanted to embark on something that would test my exploration skills and open my senses to wondrous new experiences. It didn’t take me long to decide on the perfect destination: Acomb.

Yes, Acomb. For too long this undiscovered oasis has lingered mysteriously on the end of the FTR bus route, prompting many unanswered questions: where is it? What’s it like?

How do you pronounce it? It was with these questions in mind (and I must confess a little fear) that I packed up my North face rucksack and began a journey that would change me forever.

It was the day of my departure and already tensions were running high. My native companion Tenzi and I had spent the morning checking each others equipment and collecting supplies. As we were just securing our money belts, I was alerted to the fact that we were late for our transport arrangement.

Grabbing the iodine tablets, we raced to the bus stop only to be devastated by the

Page 14

sight of the magnificent purple convoy pulling away. Dropping to my knees, I howled pitifully into the dust, only shaken out of my melancholy by Tenzi politely informing me that another was due in ten minutes. Some time later, composure regained, I stepped on board the bus and my journey finally began.

Sitting on the stained and faded seats, I surveyed my surroundings. So far the bus mostly contained tourists, which disgruntled me as I had wished to take the most basic and untrampled route, but was soothed by Tenzi’s claims that we would soon enter uncharted territory. Sure enough, as we entered the heart of the city, most of these louts disembarked. A burly ticket inspector barked something at me in the local dialect, which I let Tenzi take care of.

Soon we had gone beyond the station and the race course. That’s when the thrills of trepidation began to overwhelm my body. Luckily, I had remembered to pack the Imodium.

As we snaked our way through Tadcaster and Foxwood, the road turned thick with vegetation, the houses seemed shabbier and the locals’ paunches became larger. The deeper we, went the more alien the environment became. We passed a local eatery

Autumn Term 09/10

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione

The Lemon Press

entitled ‘Belly busters’, maneuvered through an army of white-haired crones and sped past youthful mothers clasping two babies a-piece. At last, after an exhausting journey, we reached our destination. As we approached the exit of the bus, I steadied myself to take the first step onto virgin soil. Unfortunately, just as I was about stride out my, backpack straps became entangled in the door, resulting in Tenzi and I both setting foot on Acomb earth at once. Although I believe my boot was a little ahead.

Finally I was here. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with Acomb air and promptly collapsed in a fit of the splutters, due to the smoggy fumes.

Tenzi recommend refreshments so we headed to local inn where we were greeted by a friendly native. Tenzi, being fluent in the local language, chatted away for a while. Although this friendship was halted when the native introduced himself as a ‘professional psychiatric patient.’ Gulping down my Fuzzy Navel, we quickly left the establishment and continued our exploration of this barren land. We discovered that due to the exchange rate we were able to purchase treasures such as noodles, washing powder and frozen kebab pizzas for a fraction of the price. After a few hours it became apparent that the Acomb dwellers were not used to travelers, as they pointed to our cameras, backpacks and absence of a beer belly. Soon darkness began to fall, and I felt it was time to leave this magical place.

Autumn Term 09/10

Once again we boarded the mauve transporter and were whisked back to civilization. Back in the teeming metropolis of Heslington I began to reflect on my journey. Although it had been an eye-opening and fascinating one I felt unable to describe it to those who had not been. From that day on I felt alone in my knowledge, as if what I had witnessed was not real. However from time to time I would encounter another soul who too had experienced Acomb. I would see it in their eyes, a look would pass between us and I would ask ‘Did you enjoy your Acomb encounter?’

‘Yes’, they respond, ‘There was a Morrison’s.’

Tilda Hillary-Jones

P age 15

Lifestyle

The Lemon Press

The Fate of Freshers

By Arthur Pitt

Nobody likes stereotypes or prejudice, but college spirit dictates that you must embrace them. Find out what type of student you will slowly, but inexorably, become...

Alcuin Congratulations. You are in Alcuin. That means you're loaded! It also means you're probably from the South. So beckon Jeeves the porter to fetch the Financial Times, don your bowler hat and complain about the plebs of the University being of â&#x20AC;&#x153;unsatisfactory breedingâ&#x20AC;?. But don't worry! We resent you as well!

Future prospects: Inherit Daddy's fortune, live life comfortably and never work a day in your wonderful lives.

Derwent You have been assimilated! Resistance is futile. Taking pride in your college is one thing, but you certainly love to take it to quite annoying extremes. Such a close knit community facilitates the Derwent hive mind. On your own, you are nothing. In large groups your power, intelligence and inebriation grows exponentially (a bit like The Borg in Star Trek.)

Future prospects: Liver failure or quasi-religious cult membership.

Goodricke Lo, how the mighty have relocated! Don a hard hat lest health and safety gets you! You are the University's unfinished masterpiece.

Fantastic views from your kitchen of mud, girders, sexy Yorkshire builders and hilariously underachieved deadlines. Still, it could be worse. Probably.

FUTURE PROSPECTS: Perhaps a ceiling?

Future prospects: Perhaps a ceiling?

Halifax Somewhere in a field near Heslington squats a shanty town of unconnected recluses. Shut up in individual houses, you have no need for such frivolities as college spirit, campus trends, or socialising in any form. By day, you commute to campus. By night, a silent bedroom and the sound of the wind.

Future prospects: A big family house for you and your hundreds and hundreds of cats.

Page 16

Autumn Term 09/10

Non illigitamus carborundum

The Lemon Press

James Kleptomania is your problem. Just last year you were the shy college in the corner at the campus party. Not content with what you had, you took over a bar and some more buildings. The irony being that it actually made your college LESS desirable. A bit like invading France.

Future prospects: Tomorrow, Vanbrugh. The next day, ZE VORLD!!!

Langwith You must have broken several mirrors during your university application! You've really drawn the short straw. Jeers from The Courtyard, gaggles of geese and far-off drunken singing from Derwent create a unique cacophony in your ironically-named “quiet block”. And yes, your corridors look like the interior of a ferry.

Future prospects: With your luck, struck by lightning.

Vanbrugh Wow! You're the most popular college on campus! You must be, considering all the great stuff you've got. Central position, big cafe, loads of really popular events, cash machines, Costcutter, nice new buildings.

You even have Vanbrugh stalls which really proves just how useful crap furniture can be for societies wanting to piss people off around lunchtime.

Future prospects: Sports car, Armani suit, small genitals.

Wentworth Crikey Moses! You're still alive! Which is impressive at such an old age. As a postgraduate or mature student, you’re certainly proving that older is wiser with your genuinely attractive accommodation, complete with rocking chairs and defibrillators.

Future prospects: Senility.

Illustrations by Samuel James Partridge Autumn Term 09/10

P age 17

Music

The Lemon Press

‘Absence of genre makes the art grow fonder’

Emily Wells talks to Hayley Fairclough

I wanted to start with a quote from your song ‘Symphony 3: The Story’, which is 'absence of genre makes the art grow fonder'. Your biography lists Biggie Smalls and Vivaldi as two of your favourite artists, and the combined influence of hip-hop and classical can be heard throughout 'The Symphonies’.

Are people often surprised by how well this combination works?

Well, first off, I have to give credit to Dwight Farrell a.k.a. Count Bass D. for that quote. He wrote and performed that verse for ‘Symphony 3’ after I wrote him expressing an admiration for his work and a desire to collaborate. We’ve never met in person, and really only know each other through music, but he really nailed the album with that line. I think his music draws from a lot of influences as well. Some of the first major classical music I learned was Vivaldi, a true sucker for the violin concerto, and in my more formative years I loved Biggie and other rap of the early 90s and so on.

People do often seem surprised by this combination, although hip-hop producers have been blending genres, these two included, for a long time. It just happens to be more sample based. I am essentially following that lead, but just creating those classical samples myself.

Take the harp in Biggie’s ‘Things Done Changed’, or much of Jedi Mind Trick’s work for example. I hope to bring originality to music, but I must give prompts to my influences and the composers and producers who came before.

Your music is very layered and complex. How hard is it to translate this onto the live stage?

‘The Symphonies’ were all composed with the stage in mind. I use a looping pedal to create live samples of layered strings. To me, the beauty of classical stringed instruments is their rub, together. I love the richness of this, and live sampling allows me to create an orchestra of sorts on stage, with just one violin. This technology is changing live music and it’s fantastic to behold. It’s cool to see how differently people approach it. As a performer it’s also very engaging. It allows you to bring the studio to the stage and create a complex process in front of the audience. It is more difficult than anything I’ve done so far on stage, but the challenge is well worth it.

Has your work ever been met with criticism from either the hip-hop or classical world, with people telling you the two can't/shouldn't be combined?

I’ve gotten a little criticism for attempting such a classic as ‘Juicy’, which can be expected. I don’t mind the haters. Criticism is essential for growth as well as a varied world of art and music. I think most people are pretty open, which is what I want to tap into as an artist. That openness is where inspiration happens. for and against!

And just to balance out the serious questions: Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? I haven't. I'm confused as to where they live their youth?

You are so right! I haven’t seen one either. I’m gonna keep my eyes out and let you know. If I find one I’ll take a picture for you and then save it for my book of oddities someday!

Page 18

We (the people of England…yes, all of us) would love the chance to witness a live show. Have you got any plans to grace us with your presence in the near future?

It’s funny you ask! I don’t have any concrete plans, but I recently visited Tel Aviv to play a music festival and it’s given me the overwhelming desire to travel and play outside of the US. Of course England, and all of the lovely people of England, are at the TOP of my list. Let’s make a deal that I’ll come see your fantastic country and play some shows in the next couple years. Then I’ll have to keep my word. What do you think?

Read Hayley’s full interview in our extended online version at www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Autumn Term 09/10

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

The Lemon Press

Campus Music Cliques: Hippie Stoners

As UCAS will have undoubtedly informed you, when starting at University you are bound to encounter people from all walks of life, with a variety of hobbies, interests and musical tastes. Well, UCAS lied. When entering a campus, especially one as tiny and inbred as York, one cannot fail to notice that students tend to fall into certain musical groups. One such group are the Hippie Stoners.

Recognized by their matted, dreadlocked hair and moss coloured clothing, emitting an odour which is part cannabis part lentil, these loveable gypsies of music are a group that’s hard to get angry at but easy to become annoyed with. First is the hair. A dishevelled fuzz that perches atop their skull, it is often adorned with bits of leaf and leftover dinner. However, when it appears upon the male of the species, its effects on women are deadly. It remains a baffling conundrum of the female population; whilst many girls claim that they find dreadlocks, ‘soooooo hot’, they will also squeal with disgust at the matted pile of hair that appears in the shower plug. When accompanied by a midnight fire and a massive joint, the words that fall from the soft mouths of the Hippie Stoners appear to be the most beautiful, truthful syllables that you have ever heard. However, in the harsh light of day when you encounter one on your sofa, softly strumming their guitar and scattering your house with filters, the feelings that fill you are most definitely not ‘peace’ and ‘love’. Their love for sixties tunes is endearing at first but swiftly turns to frustration when they refuse to believe that people carried on making music after 1973. However, spare a thought for these gentle, Mung Bean munchers. One day, those dreads will be shaven off and replaced with a pair of sensible spectacles; a result of extreme Weed smoking.

As their degree in Philosophy/English/Art History renders them unemployable, they will become the slightly lost looking teachers you remember from school. Yes, that’s right, the ones with the crinkled suits and the look of defeat in their eyes, who sip tea and plead with us to, ‘expand our minds….dude.’

An eight song tribute to feeling bad and feeling better The Homesick Edition

By Hayley Fairclough

A new city. New faces. Doing your own laundry and the perpetual hangover. An eight song playlist, ideal for wallowing in the self pity that results from a lack of home comforts and the euphoria that follows the realisation of freedom.

Celine Dion - All By Myself Made more effective if accompanied by a Bridget Jones- esque miming performance.

Lykke Li – Let It Fall To truly move on, you’ve gotta let it all out.

Blur - This is a Low The lyrics may be about a shipping forecast, but it’s still the perfect companion to your melancholy.

Oasis - Champagne Supernova ‘Wipe that tear away now from your eye.’ Seven minutes of perspective.

Amerie - Gotta Work Blast your problems away with some well-executed booty shaking.

Katy Perry – Waking Up in Vegas Hands up who can remember what happened last night? Nobody? That’s the spirit, you’re getting there.

MGMT – Kids If you can listen to this and still feel down, then music therapy isn’t the route for you.

Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy Repeat until you have driven all of your new friends crazy with your incessant whistling.

Inspired by the debut album of Allison Weiss: www.allisonw.com

By Sarah Jeffery

Autumn Term 09/10

P age 19

Music

The Lemon Press

A Beginner’s Guide to…Jimi Hendrix

Life

Music:

Born in Seattle in November 1942, Jimi Hendrix is perhaps one of the most famous guitarists in music history. Of European, African, Cherokee and Mexican descent, Johnny Allen, as he was christened, was named after his alcoholic Mother’s two favourite boyfriends. Abandoned at age three, he was raised by his father, Al, who changed his son’s name to James Marshall. It was Al who first noticed his son’s love for the guitar when he spotted him playing a solo with a broom instead of sweeping.

Formed The Jimi Hendrix Experience in 1966, recording three full albums: Are you Experienced? (May 1967) Short, to the point rock songs.

Key Tracks: Hey Joe, Purple Haze, Fire, Foxy Lady and Red House.

After spending time travelling with various bands, Hendrix began to make it big when he moved to Greenwich Village, New York, after being spotted by Keith Richards’ then girlfriend Linda Keith. It was there that he was introduced to Chas Chandler, former Animals bassist, who became his manager and promptly took him to England.

Axis Bold as Love (December 1967) More experimental than the previous album, yet very rushed. Most of the songs were created mainly for the studio and therefore were only occasionally performed live.

Key Tracks: Castles Made of Sand and Little Wing.

There he formed the modestly titled Jimi Hendrix Experience with Noel Redding and Mitch Mitchell, with whom he recorded three albums. His guitar playing knew no bounds and he gained notoriety for famous stage tricks such as playing his guitar with his teeth, between his legs and behind his head, as well as setting it on fire. His talent led to him landing gigs all over the world, perhaps most notably at Langwith College, York in 1967. His music changed the face of rock forever, whilst as a producer he broke new ground with his novel recording techniques and ideas.

Unfortunately, he became heavily involved in drugs as his fame grew; LSD became a temporary break from the constant demand for his stage gimmicks. On the 18th of September 1970 he died of an accidental overdose, choking on his own vomit after taking nine sleeping pills, with a post-mortem revealing his lungs to be full of red wine.

Page 20

Electric Ladyland (1968) A double album extravaganza. Moving away from the sound of the previous two albums, Hendrix created longer, more distorted and psychedelic songs. These included tracks lasting up to fifteen minutes and kazoo solos. Electric Ladyland contained his first, and only, number one: All Along the Watch Tower.

Key Tracks: 1983 (a merman I turn to be), Voodoo Child (slight return), Gypsy Eyes, Cross-town Traffic and All Along the Watchtower.

Autumn Term 09/10

Capillamentum? Haudquaquam conieci esse!

The Lemon Press

Everyone knows...

...but most people don’t...

•Self-taught guitarist. Left-handed so played right-handed guitars upside down.

•Never played left-handed in front of his Dad, who thought it was a sign of the devil

•Played in various bands and groups before making it big, one of which is rumoured to have included Ike and Tina Turner.

•First gig was as a teenager with an unnamed band in the basement of a synagogue. He was fired in-between sets due to his showing off.

•Only failed one class in Junior High: Music.

•Expelled from High School. He claimed it was due to racism; his principal claimed it was because he never turned up.

•Joined the army in 1961 after being given the choice between that or a prison sentence following a joy-riding conviction. Turned out to be a sub-par solider who fell asleep on duty and required constant supervision; his CO requested his discharge after a year.

•A biographer once stated that Hendrix pretended to have fallen in love with a fellow solider so that he would be discharged for homosexual conduct.

•Once played as part of Little Richard’s band but left due to his wild stage antics.

•He fathered a daughter, Tamika, with a teenage prostitute.

•Loved Sweden. His only son, James, was conceived there to Eva Sundquist, who wooed Jimi by sending him a rose anonymously every night he played.

•Hated Denmark. His favourite hat was stolen there in 1968. He destroyed a hotel room in anger and was taken to court over the colossal damage he caused.

•Had a string of girlfriends and other famous liaisons, rumoured to have included Marianne Faithful.

•Had his penis moulded by artist Cynthia Caster apparently his ‘member’ was so thick it broke her mould.

She also accidently removed half of his pubic hair in the process. She describes the resulting sculpture as, ‘statuesque - like Grecian art.’

•Famous sense of style included military jackets, bandanas, •When he first arrived in England, he never travelled wide hats, ribbons, scarves and colourful trousers. without a set of hair curlers.

Things to say that will impress a Hendrix fan: •“Hendrix’s guitar playing is legendary; I love how he seems to make his guitar speak.”

•“All Along the Watchtower is the greatest cover ever. It’s almost worth the fact that he lost 60% of his hearing whilst recording it.”

•“Jimi Hendrix is a God. Nobody can match him but many have tried. He once said that he has been imitated so many times that he has heard people copy his mistakes.”

Things not to say when trying to impress a Hendrix fan: •“Is that a guitar Jimi is playing? Its sounds like he’s buggering my Aunt’s cat.”

•“All Along the Watchtower is the greatest song Jimi ever wrote. I first heard it whilst watching Forrest Gump.”

•“Jimi Hendrix is well cool. I love that PC World advert where he talks with an old lady’s voice. And I like that picture of him in the Langwith Courtyard, you know, the one on the wall next to the photo of a bagel.”

Sarah Jeffery

Autumn Term 09/10

P age 21

Music

The Lemon Press

REAL Guilty Pleasures Ah, University, the only time it’s cool to admit your love for all things cheesy and kitsch. No longer do you dread someone coming across 5ive or S Club Juniors on your iPod. No longer are you alone in knowing the complex dance routines to the Maccarena, YMCA and, of course, Saturday Night. No longer are you ashamed of your collection of 90’s memorabilia because, as luck would have it, someone in your corridor also collects those Spice Girls photos (including the rare and fabled, Baby Spice signed). These slices of musical nadir have become University anthems, blasting out of speakers as you sensually grapple with your new toga-clad love, deep in the sweat pits of Ziggy’s. However, as everyone is so willing to admit their love for Whitesnake, Chesney Hawkes and even, God help us, Miley Cyrus, surely the term ‘Guilty Pleasures’ can no longer apply?

Luckily, we at The Lemon Press foretell a plethora of true Guilty Pleasures that will soon be gracing the sound systems of every campus event:

1. Michael Jackson. Okay, so a little imagination is required here. Nobody can really call listening to Thriller or Smooth Criminal particularly ‘guilty,’ but how about dancing to Bad whilst gyrating suggestively behind some of the local children on their way to school? Or singing along to One More Chance (what do you mean you’ve never heard it? It came 83rd in the charts back in 2003) and simultaneously burning pictures of Martin Bashir/releasing some white doves in remembrance? This track was written by R.Kelly, which leads us to….

2. R. Kelly, that loveable chap and hopeless romantic.

He just loves the ladies, all shapes, sizes and ages. In fact, he loves them so much that the poor bloke can’t help but piss all over them. From his passionate yells of,

‘y’all cook us meals, y’all wash our clothes’, in Heart of a Woman to, ‘don’t wake up ‘cos it’s bringing me joy’, in Dream Girl, Kelly’s respect for women should be the soundtrack to any girl’s night out. True party starters include his promises of ‘showering down love’ in Forever More and proclamations that, ‘In the ring of life, I’ll rain love’, in The World’s Greatest.

3. A classic guilty pleasure that has been much maligned campus circulation is our favourite dodgy uncle, Gary Glitter. Who can fail to be roused by the cries of ‘I’m the leader of the gang!?’ And if anyone dares accuse you of advocating some illegal paedophile ring, tell them that your new society is fully ratified by YUSU. And that they’re too old to join.

4. Phil Spector. As most of the songs he produced are quite good, some initiative is needed. Shooting a few volts through your hair, so it resembles a sort of deepsea sponge, is a step in the right direction, as is asking people to ‘kiss your gun’ and bringing up casually in conversation that you ‘think’ you may have killed someone. Try to combine all three into a mesmerising conceptual dance piece every time Tina Turner, The Ramones or ‘Let it Be’ comes on.

Whilst we hope that this selection of gems will act as a springboard for your own discovery of the real guilty pleasures, if this assortment of jail-house classics is too tame for your tastes then, don’t worry, there’s bound to be a b-side remix out there somewhere…

Sarah Jeffery

DW

Page 22

Autumn Term 09/10

Abutebaris modo subjunctivo

The Lemon Press

Gender-Reversal in Katy Perry’s ‘Hot N Cold’ Doctor Lazarus Vestibule, PhD

C re at ive Wr it in g

It is the theory of the Ancient Greeks that women were inferior to men due to an inherent and biological inconstancy, irrationality and emotionality that could not be disproved by the medical theorists of the following centuries. Indeed, it has led to many texts in which women are considered inferior as a matter of course. Chaucer’s ‘Legend of Good Women’1 is one early text in which gender roles are reversed, with the men of the Legends coming across as inconstant and changeable, whilst the women uphold their various oaths. More recently, Katy Perry’s ‘Hot N Cold’2 gives the reader a telling example of the challenges of tackling this theory.

Perry opens her lyrical analysis of Greek gender theory with the lines ‘You change your mind / Like a girl changes clothes’ (ll.1-2). Because Perry uses a simile, ‘like a girl’, the addressee of the song is implied to be male, and thus the initial accusation of an inconstant mind-set displays a direct opposition to the idea that men are superior to women because of their supposed clarity of thought. However, the means in which Perry quantifies the male’s inconstancy is by implementing the stereotype of the female; she says, ‘You are like a woman’, rather than ‘Women are not inconstant’.

Indeed, this is emphasised by the line that follows, in which she suggests ‘you PMS’ (l.3), something that is unique to the female sex. Utilising the menstruation period has aligned the inconstant man firmly within the domain of the female; he is inconstant, and thus female.

Perry thus enshrines the very argument that she might be expected to counter; her potential to prove that both men and women can be inconstant relies on and reinforces the argument that it is women who are inconstant. Indeed, the very nature of her argument, mediating between defiance and acceptance of the Ancient Greek theory, is perhaps the most inconstant element of all.

1 See Chaucer, Legend of Good Women, in L.D. Benson (ed.) The Riverside Chaucer (Oxford, 1988) 2 Katy Perry, ‘Hot-n-Cold’, in One Of The Boys (Capitol, 2008)

Autumn Term 09/10

By Ryan Fitzgerald

P age 23

Creative Writing

The Lemon Press

++OMNUS++ AUTOMATED INTERNAL ALARM: ++Good morning Steve. The time is now 07:45. The date is Tuesday 23rd March 2074. The conditions are wet. You are due at AGI Industries for an 8 hour 32 minute shift in 45 minutes. You have a priority one message in your inbox. Have a nice day.++

PRIORITY ONE MESSAGE: OMNUS-STEPHEN_BASCARLI: +++Stephen Bascarli. This is a notification of death. You are due to collide with a comshuttle at 17:10 this afternoon. Massive internal damage will lead to you being pronounced dead upon arrival at Coleworth South General Hospital. Due to this your shift has been cut to 8 hours 32 minutes to allow you sufficient time to reach the comshuttle tracks. Including today's shift you have contributed 103 567 hours of work rated as Satisfactory, 24 456 hours of work rated as Below Satisfactory, and 12 677 hours of work rated as Above Satisfactory. This rates you as a Grade 4 citizen.

Congratulations. Have a productive day.+++

REALTIME CHAT: STEPHEN_BASCARLI-IAN_SELMORE: +Hi, sorry, what are you+ +We're just here to pick up your+ +doing in my room? I haven't+ +things. Standard procedure; they'll be placed in storage until+ +finished in here. Storage? That's it+ +your family claims anything they want. Then the rest will be recycled. You+ +then? All my stuff just.. gone? Can't+ +were scheduled to leave 2 minutes ago. Don't want to be late on your last day+ +I keep anything with me at all? I'm going to DIE in a few+ +do you? Citizens have been dropped grades for less.

What's wrong? Surely you know how this+ +hours. Just one thing? A picture? This+ +goes by now? You watch the footage like everyone else don't you?+ +picture? It's the only one I was allowed to keep. After.

All the others; 'too much attachment' Omnus+ +Well I guess it can't do any harm. Fine, take it. You+ +said. Like that was a bad thing. I only got to keep this one because it has.. oh. Thank+ +better go now, or you really will be late.+ +you. Thank you.+

Page 24

PRIORITY TWO MESSAGE: STEPHEN_BASCARLIAGI_LINE3_MANAGEMENT: +++Hi. I'm going to die today. Well, you know. Obviously you know. Omnus warns you guys weeks before it actually tells us saps.

Thing is, I want some time to think about things.

Omnus bulletins tell us we're still all free, so I figure with only hours left, I might as well try some of it.

Basically, I'm going to walk around the park. Thought you should know.+++

PRIORITY THREE MESSAGE: STEPHEN_BASCARLIHANNAH_BASCARLI: +++Hey kid, I guess you got the message this morning? Surprised you haven't messaged me yet. Still talking to your old dad, right?

Weird how it hits you. Not that you'll have to worry for a good few years yet. Hopefully you'll get a better one than me; I mean a comshuttle's just so.. boring.

Suppose it suits me pretty well though; often wonder if Omnus ///CENSORED/// but then I'm just rambling.

You might not get that bit; it flashed red when I wrote it, but hey; if I'm ever going to live, it might as well be today. Speaking of which, have been wondering if I should message your mother. I mean, it's not like I'll ever make it up now, but I'd like to say goodbye. Warn her and stuff. I think she'd like that, d'ya reckon? Oh, and you'll see it on the news, but I decided not to go to work today.

Silly really; it won't make any difference; I mean, Omnus knew I'd do that. But I'd just like to see the conifers one last time - sit under them like your mum and I used to. Surely even ///CENSORED/// like Omnus.

There goes the flashy again! Can't quite bring myself to care. Anyway, you've got a busy life, I know; hope it all goes well for you. And, I don't quite know how to say this, but please don't delete me in your next wipe; I wasn't the greatest of dads, but I did love you. I'd like to be remembered by someone. Love. Dad.+++

AUTOMATED NEWS: 12:30 HOURS: ++The time is 12:30. The conditions are damp. Breaking news.

Stephen Bascarli, Citizen Grade 4, scheduled to die by collision with comshuttle at 17:10 today, has refused to go to work on his final day. Omnus is yet to make clear whether this is a direct attempt to evade destiny. It should be noted that the last 'Choicer' was Jonathan Creel, killed by a malfunctioning lift as he sought to escape the building. Those of you with eyewitness passes to Stephen Bascarli's death will be apprised of the location by a priority one message closer to the time.

Autumn Term 09/10

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem

The Lemon Press

Today's lottery numbers will be 1,6,5,78,34,98,00.

There are two winners. Have a productive day. Omnus protects.++

PRIORITY TWO MESSAGE: AGI_LINE3_MANAGEMENTSTEPHEN_BASCARLI: +++This is unacceptable. Your pay has been docked. Employee contract Article 5b Clause 4.5 clearly states 'no employee shall miss work without permission of Omnus, mental or emotional wellbeing notwithstanding'. Furthermore, due to your replacement not being scheduled to arrive until 17:05, you have damaged the company's output and are therefore fired, effective immediately.+++

PRIORITY THREE MESSAGE: HANNAH_BASCARLISTEPHEN_BASCARLI: +++There's a bloody good reason I didn't message you. How DARE you send me censorable emails? As if I don't have enough to deal with thanks to you. DON'T contact me again. DON'T contact mother. If missing your job is some kind of stupid attention-seeking stunt to impress her, rest assured she isn't amused. Goodbye.+++

REALTIME CHAT: STEPHEN_BASCARLI-JENN_KUDATH: +Hi. May I join you?+ +Sure. You're that guy on the news, right? The+ +That's right. I just wanted time to think about things and+ +same guy who got the divorce 5 years ago? One of my favourite cases, that. I definitely+ +remember the good times. Yes, you know it? We+ +think you got the unfair side of that settlement. I'm quite an expert. All I do now is watch the footage, since+ +used to sit on this bench under the conifers. I miss+ +I was retired on merit. You're wondering if you should say sorry, right? Sure+ +her. Yes. My daughter wasn't a fan of the+ +you should. Your daughter never saw it from your side. You deserve a last goodbye. Just keep it short and simple.+ +idea. You think so? Really? Maybe you're right.

Maybe.. yes, you're right. Short and simple. I will.

Thank+ +Good luck.+ +you.+

Autumn Term 09/10

PRIORITY THREE MESSAGE: STEPHEN_BASCARLIALANNA_BASCARLI: +++Hi. Hannah will hate me for this, but I met a woman in our park under the conifers who said I should say it. So: I'm sorry. And goodbye. I miss you Alanna; I miss you so.. oh damn! This isn't short and simple. I just.. I just.. I don't want to die. I wish ///CENSORED/// just us. Don't censor me you ///CENSORED///! Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you have any.. no, you don't.

No compassion. No ///CENSORED///. Goodbye Alanna.+++

COMSHUTTLE PASSENGER ALERT: ++Ladies and gentlemen, in 15 seconds we will collide with a pedestrian named Steve Bascarli. Those of you in seats 7 through 59 of a delicate disposition should avert their eyes. Thank you. Omnus provides.++

AUTOMATED NEWS: 17:30 HOURS: ++ The time is 17:30. The conditions are dry. Breaking news. Stephen Bascarli, Citizen Grade 4, died today after a comshuttle collided with him near the Coleworth Interchange. He was pronounced dead upon arrival at Coleworth South General Hospital. His death is described as an 'unavoidable and tragic accident'. Footage of the collision is available on the Filmbase Archive, HEADING: Bascarli/death, TAGS: collision, gore, death, comshuttle, RATING: 18. Have a productive evening.

Omnus predicts.++

Matt Rounds

20th October 6.30PM PL/002 Bring your own nibbles

P age 25

Creative Writing

The Lemon Press

Outsider’s Chances These arty types: so self-assured, Such outward free vitality.

Yet beneath we find the hidden cord; The tie, what some may call ‘the key’, Of a wealthy start, a public school, A noted surname and a crusted drawl.

These arty types: they may be bright, But they’ve not done it on their own.

Connection has been their soaring kite; Relationships they all must hone.

Continuing wealth and family rule, That Face, I see, a commanding tool.

These arty types, with dominance, Flatten the outsider’s chances.

Me? I cannot match their prominence So must pace the endless dances Of a life with too many layers, The false heights of which I cannot reach.

By Alex Russell

CHEWING GUM

by Joseph William Peach

A freshness disperses leaving cars and sweat But your hard chin chomping shows no sign of regret.

No sign and no reason, just hard jawed motion No thought, no meaning, no love nor emotion Remove it and twirl it Play with your food A crudeness excelling All chance to be rude.

Get used to saliva, Spitting and spit, Universal injunction To play in your shit.

Endless oral simulation, Anorexic stimulation, Unerotic solo kissing, A never swallowed, always missing, Bovine, baseless, mastication, A plastic, ceaseless, masturbation.

And citizens, we are now plastic, Moulded, fake and inelastic, So come and taste your perfect food, Hard and false and toxic glued.

Rubbery fat is energy stored, But never used, only adored And crudely chomping civilisation A Decomposing infatuation.

Page 26

Chewing gum in plastic cars, chasing ourselves between lands, sheets, teeth, Leaving digestion digesting itself, Nothing moths in search of wealth A fatuous game with nothing beneath Only breaking down as jaw, The maw, the horrid talk-chew-bore, The endless squirt and squelch of pain Molars of war which mash without fangs And crush till it hangs An endless, inhuman, again and again Indigestible polymer chain, To chew over again - imitable, invincible media chain, Infinite monotonous failed silence, failed science, A brain-drain A return to the chin, brainless din, A skull made of jaw and for war, Not what it's for Not big enough to fit a brain in, Got to leave room for chewing and sin, The new great rule of the new old law You must have sex, live by jaw and whore The natural way is conquest and blood Wrapped up in plastic and spat out as you would.

Chew and feel hungry and that's being good.

Autumn Term 09/10

Vah! Denuone latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

The Lemon Press

The Lemon Press launches a campaign to raise ticket prices Dominic Mantle

For what now seems like an eternity, news coverage has been saturated with the Shakespearean tragedy of families having their homes repossessed, British institutions such as Woolworths and MFI disappearing forever from the high street, and decent, honest people being cheated out of their hard-earned money by morally, but certainly not financially, bankrupt MPs. At least two thirds of the tragedy has been the result of the downturn in the economy, the economic apocalypse, the Fall of Capitalism, the actions of diabolical bankers and other such unexaggerated things. Tony... But as if this wasn’t enough, renegade market forces have a new victim in their sights: the cinema.

The cinema has long been favoured by all sections of Western society – except the cinephobic - as a setting for general outings, birthday celebrations, cultural enrichment, or even an awkward first date. In the early decades of the last century it was not uncommon to go to ‘the movies’ several times per week, and indeed to go along, in black and white, wearing a flat cap and Bisto for tights, without even the vaguest idea of what might be showing. You just made do without knowing what was on, you had to (there was no internet).

Autumn Term 09/10

In those days, a cinema ticket was obviously cheaper than it is now, and not just because the pound’s weak at the moment. But even so, few would argue that present-day cinema-going is unaffordable.

Such a suggestion is, quite frankly, preposterous. And Pick ‘n’ Mix is an absolute steal! Keeping this in mind, we suddenly get the metaphorical phone call in the night – the recession isn’t just hitting commercial retailers and newsreaders’ attempts to appear cheery at even the most inappropriate juncture, but the cinema chains too. Incidentally, the criminally low ticket prices, combined with the allure of the weekly prize draw of our very own York Student Cinema are not doing the local Picturehouses any favours.

Now, we must ask ourselves, what is more important – our own financial security/greed or that of the companies providing the means for pursuing one of the foremost leisure activities of the 20th Century? If we have even an ounce of faith left in the human race, we will choose the latter. So today, The Lemon Press launches a campaign to raise ticket prices in cinemas as a way of giving something back to the industry that has provided us with many of our fondest memories, as well as the occasional sticky seat. The sad reality is that unless drastic measures are taken, the humble cinema might go the way of the dodo, blackcurrant Tango and communism – on the scrapheap of history. Let’s face it, if we don’t act now, cinema bosses won’t be getting their full bonuses this year.

P age 27

Film

The Lemon Press

Cast: Marlon Brando (in between meals), Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, James Caan, Richard S. Castellano, Sterling Hayden Director: Francis Ford Coppola Plot: Someone kills someone else, and there are reprisals because they can never just let it lie Genre: Italian-American crime-thriller Rating: As good as having a handful of over-cooked gnocchi rubbed in your face

Supposed gangster epic The Godfather is regularly to be found near the top of the never-ending lists of the greatest movies ever, the best films of all time and even 10th anniversary list rehashes, but why? What sets it apart from the likes of Goodfellas or Miller’s Crossing?

It can only come down to film critics the world over being subject to the constant threat of Mafia violence if they were to utter a single criticism against it – there is no other explanation. The by then decadent Marlon Brando has been practically deified for having the bizarre idea of stuffing his cheeks with cotton wool as a way of making ‘you look terrible’ sound slightly menacing. Al Pacino has the least charismatic face since Anne Robinson and the most frustratingly quiet voice since Brian Blessed, and yet people faint at the prospect of his being onscreen with another perplexingly

“Hand me some more cotton balls, there’s room yet.”

successful actor, Robert De Niro (who incidentally doesn’t grace us with his presence in the trilogy until Part II). Pacino’s terrible acting means that Michael Corleone (initially the most sensible of the Don’s sons in not getting involved with the family business) appears to view the death of his Sicilian wife in a car-bomb explosion with the same mild annoyance as when cling film runs out mid-task (presumably in the wake of an under-visited buffet).

Overall, The Godfather is highly stereotyped, indeed having born most gangster stereotypes, and this lazy attitude towards the genre should surely no longer be encouraged with continual worship. Mob criminals should get a fair chance to commit their crimes without all being lumped into the category of ‘gunslinger’ or ‘muscle’. Some such ruffians sit behind desks innocently counting money, whereas according to the film, they each, in an average day, commit a murder, take part in a high-speed car chase and get a bit of domestic violence in, all washed down with a whisky and a memorable quote. I would go as far as to say that whoever was responsible for some of Diane Keaton’s dress choices was a misogynist. What the film’s popularity essentially suggests is that people love a plot with several violent murders, and in turn it is fair to say that The Godfather glamorizes violence more than it represents a metaphor for capitalism, the potential for which was supposedly (according to Wikipedia...) why Coppola decided to direct it. Its place alongside the more placid Citizen Kane and Casablanca in critical American reckoning reveals a satisfied urge for an above average film favourably addressing gun culture, for its popularity certainly cannot stem from the strength of acting or costume design.

Mark Vincent

Page 28

Autumn Term 09/10

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est

The Lemon Press

I Know What You Spoofed Last Time You Decided To Make A Movie And Had No Ideas Of Your Own

Review: The Pond (2009)

Cast: Ben Slitter, Jack Hack, Robert Drowney Jr., Tom Bruise, Cleve ‘The Cleaver’ Coogan, Matthew McConandslay, Robertda Niro, Mr. Blobby Director: Wes Reeves Plot: Who needs one?

Certificate: 15 (with the aid of a bribe) Genre: Horror/comedy mocku-spoof sequel remake Rating: 6/5

The latest effort from Wes Reeves, a much-needed remake of last year’s English-language version directed

by Matt Craven, is a sure sign that the art of filmmaking is far from dying out. The Pond centres on the cast of a slasher-horror film who, seemingly oblivious to the fact that their production team have been brutally murdered execution-style by a gelatinous assassin (Blobby), proceed to follow the scene schedule and flirt with grisly demise at every turn, believing this to be part of the script. The plot is interspersed with blatant references to other films of the genre, to the unadulterated joy of the viewer upon their recognition.

By no means confusing is the film-within-a-film format, nor the fact that the name of the ficticious film (about a group of male friends approaching middle-age on a fishing holiday in a secluded woodland area) is the same as the name of the actual release."

While some self-satisfied Observer critics might accuse The Pond of exacerbating the imagined decline of cinematic originality, those of us who watch movies

to be entertained and not to massage our egos will surely appreciate it greatly. The all-star cast is deployed deftly in this remake by a director at the top of his game; over a perhaps lengthy 53 minutes we are treated to thrills (extreme fishing), spills (blood, root beer), laughs (largely toilet humour) and scares (boo!), and even a cameo from one of Hollywood’s finest, if not in person then at least in name. The absence of a plot is by no means a problem. If anything, it means we don’t have to concentrate on struggling to keep a few basic developments in mind for less than an hour. Instead, we can put that extra bit of care into ensuring that our Revels aren’t distributed cinema-wide, and the movie can be taken scene by scene, or, technically, reference by reference. Though there has been some controversy about ‘pinking-up’ in the film – which the director insists is ironic – it is undoubtedly the must-see film of the summer. Or should that be last summer?

Kevin Fowler

Arbitrary Party-Duck says, “visit our website for the extended version of The Lemon Press or I’ll take your family... “

www.thelemonpress.co.uk Autumn Term 09/10

P age 29

Vague

What’s hot

Horoscope: Libra

•Parties

A topsy turvy term for you: as the sun moves into an enlightening position in the sky, you feel the need to eventually get out of bed and do something with your life.

Later in the week a tall, dark, handsome stranger will actively spurn your advances. Tuesday’s move by Mercury into Libra causes your sexual orientation to change in an unexpected direction.

The presence of the moon in the night sky indicates that you have probably ended the night face up in the gutter following your pitiful attempts at romance.

Because Arbitrary Party Duck says so. You see?

•Dressing gowns Warm, comfortable, do not require underwear

•STD’s Gotta catch ‘em all!

•Non-pirate themed Presidents •Trevor mkII Technically a different duck

•You Please phone me

•Limes The inferior citric fruit

•Other campusbased media All of it

•Jack Wills You’re trying too hard

•Maths We’re not afraid of you, Mathsoc!

•You Why didn’t you call?

What’s not Page 3

Autumn Term 09/10

Hair ÂŁ75, Toni & Guy

Pretentiousness Priceless

Glasses (Lenses absent) Threadbare coat Free, found Moderately dirty dressing gown ÂŁ5, Matalan

Battered shoes Free, fished from lake

Semper ubi sub ubi