The Lemon Press
The Lemon Press
From the Editor Saying goodbye to something as great as what we have here is a tragic affair. Lost, alone, depressed; this is how I feel as I say goodbye to that one bastion of hope, life as a rowdy, drunken, lazy, non-tax paying student. Oh, and this is also the last issue of The Lemon Press under my loving editorialship. It’s been a great experience, and looks really good under “Other Achievements” on the CV. Many people worked on TLP behind the scenes, mostly because they are really, really, really fugly, and we wouldn’t let them outside. But I’d like to extend my sincerest thanks to myself for being so very handsome, myself again for writing every single article in the magazine, and myself one more time for funding the whole thing out of my own pocket. But in all seriousness, to all the section editors and their deputies, thanks for all that you guys did, your hard work really paid off, and I will take all the credit for it. To my own deputy editors, Dominic and Jamie, your attempt to assassinate and overthrow me was admirable, but ultimately crippled by the eruption of Iceland’s Eyjafjjoell volcano. Ryan Fitzgerald
Contents Campus & News Politics Lifestyle Film Music Science & Tech Arts
4-5 6-10 11-15 16-19 20-23 24-27 28-30
Editorial Team: Ryan Fitzgerald Editor Dave Walker Graphics Editor, Photography Dominic Mantle Deputy Editor, Film Editor Jamie Gallimore Deputy Editor, Science Editor Hayley Fairclough Music Editor Sarah Jeffery Music Editor Rachael Healy Politics Editor Jack Stanley Creative Editor, Photography Mimzi Ross-Jackson Lifestyle Editor Nicholas Saul Deputy Film Editor Andy Brown Deputy Science Editor Alex Allison Deputy Creative Editor Ellen Larson Deputy Lifestyle Editor Arthur Pitt Advertising & Marketing, Melissa Von Schmitt Human Resource Samuel James Partridge Cartoonist Committee members: Joe James Regan Vicky Proctor Chris Burgess
Chair Treasurer Secretary
"To the nosey so-and-so who took the time to cordially invite Wikipedia to delete our page because we're too 'insignificant' on campus, we are very hurt. As a result of the fiasco, two writers have committed suicide in Grimston house. Blood is on your hands."
Summer Term
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Campus Life
The Lemon Press
NEWS IN JOE’S BRIEFS Our headline hunters Messrs. Mantle, Pitt and Gallimore report briefly to you
Executed man ‘learns his lesson’ A Chinese man who was executed by firing squad yesterday for drug trafficking offences has now “learned his lesson” according to an official. Wen Jiabao said of the man, ‘Just as he was about to be executed he started pleading for his life and sobbing. He screamed “I won’t do it again, I promise” and expressed concern for his wife and young children. He of course will not do it again, as needless to say we pressed on with our deliciously inhumane task and buried a punitive bullet in his fragile skull. But the fact that he showed remorse for his crimes at this late stage underlines the effectiveness of the death penalty as a part of the legal system.’ Man mistakes courgette for benevolent vegetable A Scottish man suffered a terrible shock on Friday when he put a piece of courgette in his mouth. Brian Caldwell from South Lanarkshire ‘thought it was cooked cucumber,’ but proceeded to retch once he realised it certainly was not. The incident resulted in his dinner being ‘ruined.’ Dog mauled to death A dachshund has been killed after a baby mistook it for his din-dins. The child, who can only be known as Baby X for legal reasons, inflicted around fifty injuries in the attack, including biting off an ear. The baby defended its actions by motioning in the vague direction of a bottle of tomato ketchup, as if to say ‘leaving that out pushed me over the edge.’ Amnesty International have been criticised for pointing out that it was technically double standards not to exterminate the baby. Street Entertainers in Amusing Accident Misfortune struck the streets of York yesterday afternoon, when the Purple Man of York (Michael Mime) accidentally cycled into Mr. Yellow (Mark Wallis), turning them both a muddy brown colour. Expert colourologists have described the precise shade as “Rich Havana II.” Neither were available to comment, as they were awaiting colour re-separation in York District Hospital's Intensive Chromatography Unit. Tooth fairy comes out of retirement as economy stabilises She's back! The tooth fairy has officially confirmed today on her blog that improvements to the economy mean she can continue snooping around your children's bedrooms and paying for their teeth. The revelation has sparked predictions of the return of many children's myths, including the bogey man, unicorns and a Mormon Jesus.
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Summer Term 09/10
Central hall is one of the world’s most expensive buildings as it was made out of asteroid.
The Lemon Press
Uni to implement boats for lake-crossing Victoria Proctor In an extraordinarily outlandish move, University "Officials" have finally confirmed rumours that small, porter powered boats will soon be ferrying students across the lake. It follows years of the university attempting to demolish all useful bridges without the students noticing. One Derwent Economics student commented ‘I rolled out of bed at 9:10 for my lecture one day, but some bastard had taken away the bridge to Alcuin! Now I have to get up at 9:05!’ The announcement follows (reasonably) successful trials by staff and porters, which
Porter calls Security System for assistance. Arbitrary Party Duck mocks
were carried out during foggy mornings so that students would remain unaware of the plans. However, some students did suspect foul play, as proven by the "Save our Porters" campaign, with cuts in portering hours coming as the result of a number of test porters being presumed missing in the lake. A source claims that when asking Porter A (not named for legal reasons, as he had no name badge) why staffing hours had been cut, ‘His eyes welled up with tears, he slammed his door on us and we couldn't get any post for a week.’ Some remain sceptical about the idea, with responses including, ‘As long as I don't get my hair wet,’ ‘B...b..but, I'll be late for double Numerical Analysis!“’and ‘Well, if my lecturer is on the same boat, we'll all be getting a few weeks off.’ However, the University remains upbeat about the venture, adding ‘We'll get top spot in the Times Good University Guide at least.’ The service will be fully operational by Week 3 Summer Term. Timetables for the docking times can be found at www.boats.york.ac.uk/rickrow
Officer for Accurate Representation demands YUSU clarification on The Courtyard Andy Brown Colin Beige was recently voted in as York University’s first ever officer for Accurate Representation and wasted no time in fulfilling his election promises, demanding a YUSU-chaired meeting to tackle the misrepresentation of the Uni’s student bar The Courtyard. In a strongly worded letter Beige wrote ‘the majority of students that I spend time with voice their concern that YUSU would choose such a term for the bar, with many claiming that it is more reminiscent of a cloister or peristyle. Some even called it a cour d’honneur, but I think they got over-excited.’ Summer Term
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Politics
The Lemon Press
SCRAP OUR FUTURE FINANCIAL SECURITY The Lemon Press launches a campaign to raise tuition fees A government review is currently underway which will determine whether students in England should pay more for their degrees. The review’s findings will be published after the General Election, thereby allowing voters the opportunity to be fully informed about what Labour would do to tuition fees before they cast their vote. So today, in the hope of directly influencing events, The Lemon Press launches its campaign to raise tuition fees.
This would smack of socialism, even a desire to want people to be able to live their lives without having to skimp on tins of baked beans and sausages. As a student myself, I am of the opinion that an increase in tuition fees could only be positive, for my conscience if nothing else. I currently sit in seminars sweating profusely and feeling guilty, like I’m stealing education, all four hours per week of it, terrified of being found out.
The guardian talking nonsense as usual
But why stop at raising fees? The Lemon Press believes the proposals are not extensive enough. Lord Mandelson would not go wrong to consider making students pay for their degrees with their souls. It’s not as draconian as it sounds; it would certainly eliminate the recent problems of overapplication for university places, and let’s face it, serfdom did look fun. All that lack of freedom... Join our campaign today: scrap our future financial security!
It is imperative that tuition fees be raised. Nobody should have the right to a free education; the thought of this is truly despicable. Knowledge should have to be bought rather than freely shared, because otherwise everyone would have an equal chance of doing well for themselves! This is definitely not what we want. Of course, raising tuition fees will inevitably mean increasing the amount of money in loans that students will have to pay off once they finish their degree. The obvious retort is: debt is good. Debt is healthy. Debt creates jobs at the Student Loans Company, which can only be good for our ailing economy, and it creates a need for more bailiffs. And frankly, why should graduates be allowed to avoid being saddled with debt well into their thirties? 6
Dominic Mantle
Summer Term 09/10
Uni security briefly tried a surveillance programme of mechanical ducks with cameras in them...
The Lemon Press
Arbitrary Party Duck’s Guide to the UK General Election 2010 ‘As a successful candidate in the YUSU elections, I am perfectly placed to comment on the general election our great country now faces.’ – APD, trans. Dr. Henrik Poloski, 2010
MANIFESTO MAYHEM! Rachael Healy There were red faces all round today as, on the eve of the general election, the Labour and Conservative Parties reveal exactly the same policies! In two separately organised, yet eerily similar press conferences, Gordon Brown and David Cameron were each set to unveil an explosive arsenal of political ammunition for the upcoming campaign, only to discover that they were both hurling the same grenade. Word for word the two manifestoes are indistinguishable, much to the hilarity of both party leaders. On taxation the parties have taken the identical line that, ‘Some people will definitely get taxed a bit (Article 1.1)’ but, ‘probably not babies.’ There was further concurrence on the issue of education and both Cameron and Brown promise that, ‘Schools will remain open.’ A new stance on tackling climate change has also been disclosed, promising a revolutionary reduction of both Labour and Tory carbon footprints. A spokesman for David Cameron said, ‘It’s as if Labour are also trying to appeal to as many voters as possible...Weird!’ Floating voters now face an impossible decision, although political scientists have predicted that those with a preference for red ties and a Scottish accent will be 34% more likely to vote Labour.
More Election Business... p.8 – who to vote for p.9 – how to do it
Summer Term
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Politics
The Lemon Press
♥ 7 Reasons... Why You Should Vote Tory ♥ ♥
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
By Dominic Mantle, MP The Conservatives will make harsh and swingeing cuts to public services. We are all in this together. They will vote against tax cuts aimed at alleviating the burden on the poorest people. We are all in this together. They will damn well make sure that the commoners pay for the mistakes they had nothing to do with, because they’re inferior and need to be kept in line. We are all in this together. Chillin wit dem mandem A fleshy, smug, orange face is a healthy face. They’ll fix Broken Britain. It’s exactly what this country needs – it’s going to the dogs! Labour have trashed the place, it’s a downright disgrace! Much longer of this and we might get some social justice. Those dirty working class coal miners are getting cocky again! They haven’t been screwed over in a while. Those ruddy peasants need teaching a jolly good lesson! Scepticism is just what climate change needs right now. Those funny-talking Argentineans are getting cocky again! They need to be reminded who’s empire-nostalgia boss.
For even more political insight, visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk 8
Summer Term 09/10
…the plan only failed when it was discovered that the ducks flipped every five minutes.
The Lemon Press
Electoral system to be modernised Dominic Mantle reports In a surprising move, the Government has announced detailed plans to reform the electoral system in Great Britain. Not only that, the plans would mean skipping the expected step of a switch to proportional representation from the current first-pastthe-post system and instead exploiting social
networking technology. The new system would see the leaders of the three main political parties allocated an official Facebook fan page, with the politician who accrued the most fans during the period of voting becoming Prime Minister. The planned changes have angered the creators of MySpace and Twitter, who have labelled the choice of Facebook ‘wholly undemocratic.’ In response to these accusations, a Government spokeswoman stated that the move would ‘rescue the political process from the Dark Ages by raising voter turnout levels to a predicted 89%. Furthermore it will obviate the need for postal votes, which everybody forgets to do anyway, and people won’t have to stay up into the night watching David Dimbleby, waiting for the votes to be counted – Facebook will tell us straight away who has won.’
I’ve got more fans than that!
The General Election
Note to editor: There was [shock/acceptance] today as the This is to be printed after [labour/conservative] party was voted into government. the election, delete as Winning by a small margin [Gordon Brown/David Cameron] said applicable. I’m going on they would ‘strive forward’ to implement their policies to the holiday - Jack Stanley benefit of the British public. Critics however are unsurprised that [Alistair Darling/ George Osbourne] has resigned as Chancellor effective immediately. The PM stated that they left on [amicable/unsavoury] terms. The Queen has congratulated the [Labour Party/Conservatives] on their win. The public mood is however less optimistic. Indeed many journalists have described it as [despairing/suicidal]. When asked what won the election for he and his party, the P.M. replied “[me/me].”
BREAKING NEWS! HOT OFF THE LEMON PRESS... The entire Lemon Press committee are allegedly being forced to step down from their positions due to what they controversially call “graduation.” Summer Term
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Politics
The Lemon Press
Visibly uncomfortable Alan Johnson awkwardly introduces new sex crime agenda Cutting a noticeably sweaty and red-faced figure, Alan Johnson yesterday stood before a crowded hall of press officials to awkwardly announce a swathe of proposed policies and targets regarding sexual crime.
‘sexy’
‘As of today, this government will make it a priority to clamp down on individuals who make all or a portion of their earnings off of the activities of… *ahem*… pros-prostitutes,’ Johnson began, moments before taking a deep sip from a bottle of water and readjusting his tie. ‘The Cabinet are united in their agreement that there is a moral imperative in preventing profit from… well… you know… acts that are… kind of… sex-based,’ continued Johnson. ‘S-sex… sexually… natured… sexy…. is it hot in here or is it just me?’ Johnson was then seen to remove his jacket and roll his eyes wildly. Those present at the conference reported that Johnson left ‘in a shifty, slightly hunched state, with his arms folded in front of his groin,’ while one minister has claimed that
the Home Secretary spent no less than an hour and a half in a cold shower at Westminster. A survey taken today indicates that the public still hold Johnson in high regard despite the gaffe; John Charlton, 57, of Acton Selby, told the Lemon Press that ‘even t’Nazis would be better than t’bloody Tories’ cont. p 11-3... Edward Francis
‘hot’
‘groin’
Johnson makes highly inappropriate gesture as he reveals new policies on sex workers.
“Voting for the human elections opens on May 6th. Please only vote for candidates if they promise a price freeze on bread until 2012”
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Summer Term 09/10
Nostradamus predicted the opening of Goodricke. Umbrella Company Umbrellas give you 64%, we give you 85%!
The Lemon Press You love swimming but find quitting all your cigarettes at once too much effort? Try quitting one at a time. New Offer!
For sale: “Lemon Press” hoodie, with logo and “Garreth” on front.
FOOTBALL!! SEX!! CHELSEA STAR'S REGRET OVER 'SHAMEFUL' ANNIVERSARY Craig Dobson
TRUE LIFE STORY: FOOTBALL MANAGER’S WIFE Seb Owen
Fans and board members alike at Stamford Bridge were left reeling today by allegations regarding a happy marriage within the Chelsea camp. The player in question, fiercely protective of his identity, expressed his anxiety and frustration to the Lemon Press in a telephone interview. The twenty-seven year old incognito Czech captain, who will remain anonymous, was rumoured to have celebrated his six-year marriage anniversary in the dimly-lit basement of his home. 'I try so very hard to keep it secret. But I fear it is only a matter of time before my fidelity is uncovered.‘ Should this scandal be exposed, the unnamed player could be hit hard in the pocket by his employers, and shipped out to affiliated club Chelsea Ladies F.C. But we here at the Lemon Press, we are keen admirers of the unnamed goalkeeper's talent, and sincerely hope that other respectable publications follow our lead in the ongoing quest for player privacy and confidentiality.
I’ve often wondered what I’d say if someone was to ask me why I left my husband. What people don’t realise is just how hard it can be to leave such a powerful man; the very man who once took Deans Bottom Rovers to the fourth round qualifier for the 1998 FA Vase South Eastern and Fenland Division. Perhaps on the day Pidley cum Fenton Town AFC were the stronger side, but as he led the returning heroes through the main thoroughfare of our humble town, the cries of ‘Up Deans Bottom’ rang out through the streets. He was a hero for many on that day, but he’d stopped being my hero some years before. I met him when he was a high flying teenager, fresh out of a spell captaining Balls Green under-18s, and with a trial for West Ham Academy looming. The attraction of dating a footballer was obvious: it was, as they say, love at first sight. The West Ham trial was the key to his -to our- future, and it was worrying him; not for the last time in his life he hit the bottle hard. On a particularly heavy night ‘on the push,’ he got involved in a brawl which would end not only his career as a player, but also the happiness that I thought would last forever. Before the doctor had even finished removing the Stella Artois bottle shards from his metatarsal he knew he would never be the same player again.
“Keep those balls away from me!”
To find out how this story ends, visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk Summer Term
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The Lemon Press
Lifestyle
LEMON PARTY The Lemon Press brings you the latest news from all the greatest bars in York Ziggys: Debauched delights By the Campus dandy. Hair carefully pressed, pocket-watch tucked neatly into my waistcoat, I tripped off into the dark delights of nightbar Ziggy’s. I peered into the gloom, but could decipher only a few murky shapes... As I moved through the muggy vicinity, I began to feel quite gay; I had finally discovered a place where true dandies dwelt! Passing through one of the murky archways, a busty wench caught my attention. Although I suspected she was probably a carrier of the French Disease I threw caution into the wind and allowed her to lead me onto the dance floor. To be a true dandy, one must fully embrace the frivolities of life; indeed, the evening had been simply spiffing!
York Uni Student makes conscious, non-inebriated decision to go to Salvation Tom Cook In a decision labeled “shocking” and “completely out of character,” last night York Uni student Raymond Dilkington decided to head off to Salvation. ‘It was unbelievable”, said close friend Sarah Gillingham. ‘Ray just stood up, said “I fancy a change tonight,” and off he went. I really don’t know what made him do it.’ We quizzed Raymond Dilkington on why he took such an irrational course of action, but unfortunately, still in the throes of lunacy, he could only tell us that ‘it’s only £3.50 for double vodka coke on Mondays’ and ‘they play grunge and new romantic past 2:30.’
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Summer Term 09/10
York tutors have appeared on Last of the Summer Wine, Casualty and Supermarket Sweep.
The Lemon Press
Thirteen-Thirty-Schlong Rachael Healy In a disturbing turn of events this week, two of York University Rugby Team’s key sponsors have pulled out following last Wednesday’s post-match social. The popular city centre bars 1331 and Varsity have both labelled the team’s behaviour as “unacceptable” and refuse to be associated with the male rugby squad at any point in the future. A Varsity staff member claimed that the social was ‘disgusting! The majority of the team were fully clothed for the entire evening and I didn’t see a single penis. I don’t know what was going on but the whole scene was, quite frankly, offensive.’
TruReview Jamie Gallimore speaks to Tru’s number one fan ‘Tru is my life,’ Alex Anderson told me. ‘Every evening of my degree has been spent there. Every night, I'm the first one there, and the last one to leave. Sometimes I hide in the air conditioning systems so I never have to leave at all. To describe it as a “profoundly stunning experience of the highest calibre” would be a slight against the club. It is truly a bastion of intellectualism, liberty, salvation and opportunity, the likes of which have never been seen before and will never arise again.’
Summer Term
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Lifestyle
The Lemon Press
Mystical Mephedrone Mike gazes into his crystal meth, predicts some of your stars, others presumed lost... * Aries: Mar 21 - Apr 20 You’re feeling strong, Aries: stronger than you’ve ever felt before. With Mars ascending this is a time of power for you. Take full advantage of your new found brawn. Join the Gym, take up weight lifting. This might even be a wonderful time to think seriously about those steroids you’ve been considering trying out. No-one can possibly stop you now, oh Mighty Ram! Taurus: Apr 21 - May 21 Taureans are in for a shock this week when an unexpected face returns, bent upon revenge. With Venus in eclipse, your self esteem is at an all time low and you find yourself more susceptible to confidence trickery. Be vigilant and trust no-one – you never know who is out to get you... Gemini: May 22 - Jun 22 Saturn insists that Gemini’s are lucky this week: perhaps a good time to make that jump you were too scared to take up ‘till now? Want to buy a new hat? Get that divorce? Rob that bank? There’s never been a better time to go for it! Gemini: May 22 - Jun 22 Your dreams have been troubled of late, Cancer. A shadowy being, a foreboding house: Is this the end? With Virgos setting themselves against you, all I can advise is to lock yourself away, lest all the evils of Hell are unleashed upon your unholy crabby head. Mimzi Ross-Jackson * Mike cannot be held responsible for the truth of his words.
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Summer Term 09/10
One in every twenty lecturers has had an extras role in a Will Farrell film.
The Lemon Press
Glade Touch ‘n’ Fresh Advert Investigated for Child Cruelty Hannah Weaver
Facebook de-vamps just to piss you off Ellen Larson
The most recent Glade advert is being investigated by child protection services. It has been alleged that the child in the advert, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was actually stopped from pooing at Paul's house as a cruel joke to encourage realistic expressions of pain. In the advertisement it is claimed that the infant enjoys pooing at Paul's home due to the presence of Touch n Fresh air freshener; yet a member of the production team who wishes to remain anonymous explains the truth. 'We were made to fill the boy's dressing room with all sorts of laxative food stuffs. Liquorice, figs, prunes, even Tunes which people don't realise if overconsumed can cause laxative effects. We were told to encourage him to eat them all before takes. Then we would taunt him by saying he could poo at Paul's house...of course we never let him.' The child's desperation is clear in the advert as he begs to be allowed to poo at Paul's house but is prevented by his on-screen mum. All individuals involved in the creation of the advert have been detained for questioning and the child has been placed in protective care. Susan Revel from the NSPCC confirms that the child will no longer be prevented from pooing at Paul's house.
Earlier this week founder and CEO of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg announced that it would be ‘de-vamped’ in response to complaints raised by users every time the social networking site undergoes changes to its layout. Initial responses from users were positive, citing the power of petitions such as ‘I hate the new Facebook layout’ and ‘I fear change.’ But views quickly changed as Zuckerberg admitted that the de-vamp would return the layout to its 2007 version. A Facebook insider, who totally is not Zuckerberg, told the Lemon Press, ‘Y’know, I try and I try to make these people happy and what do they do? They complain. They make these petitions and it hurts my feelings. All I do is give! And they just criticise me!’ According to the insider the move to return the site to a former layout is just a huge ‘screw you’ to users. The older layout did not allow users to comment on posts, featured a mini-feed on individual pages, and showed when any given user was online. ‘Dislike button? Don’t make me laugh. You’ll take what I give you and you’ll Like it.’ There is no word from Facebook about when the changes may be reversed or otherwise updated. The insider source stated, ‘Vengeance is a dish best served over the internet.’
Just be happy we didn’t make a pun about Facebook being shit...
Talking of Facebook, why not become a fan of The Lemon Press to keep up to date with the latest trends in satire and wit? Summer Term
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The Lemon Press
TIM BURTON’S RECIPE: BOORRRING...
NAME THAT FILM!
Nicholas GS Saul A few weeks ago a new Tim Burton film was released, where one discovered the tenebrous, dark side of Alice in Wonderland, an astonishingly ‘new’ approach to this story of wonders, and already people are asking themselves - what will be the next story Tim Burton paints black? Well yes, that’s the problem. Something’s original the first, and maybe the second time; however after Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride and Sweeney Todd, the dark magic seems to die out. Perhaps the time has come for a change of recipe... Spiralling images, ‘Dum di dum di dum’ theme tunes, magical visual effects, and dream-weaving magnificence, with his dear wife (Helena Bonham Carter) as the ‘baddy’ actress and Johny Depp as a main character, all makes for a rather common ‘Tim Recipe’ film. So what shall it be next? Sleeping Beauty (that is actually not a beauty) or Snow White and the Evil Seven Dwarfs? What’s certain is that Tim is already planning the launch of many Disney remakes!
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Q. Which Oscar-nominated film of 2000 features Tom Hanks in a predicament which might also be a good punishment for the bankers?
Summer Term 09/10
Things are looking up for Wilson these days
A. Cast Away
Film
In a survey of male students, 20% admitted that they fanatasised about a duck on a weekly basis.
The Lemon Press
Mulholland Drive: An Exercise in Narrative Simplicity By Dominic Mantle David Lynch’s 2001 thriller Mulholland Drive has, over the last decade, become known as the quintessential chill-out movie. It is naturally a rainy-day favourite for families with young children, and in no way requires at least five watches before the viewer has the first clue what in the name of Fellini is going on. Indeed, the fact that typing ‘Mulholland’ into Google Search produces 971,000 results for the extended phrase ‘Mulholland Drive explained’ is merely a fluke. But why is it so revered? The film, which could arguably be classified as a RomCom given its extensive superfluity and L.A. setting, was recently ranked third in the Guardian newspaper’s list of its best films of the ‘noughties.’ The author of the piece which accompanied the revelation wrote that ‘like most of Lynch’s offerings, Mulholland Drive’s genius is in its clarity, the way in which it lays the components of the plot down, ready to be gobbled up with minimal difficulty, in much the same way as John Prescott will devour a doughnut.’ As a measure of the film’s accessibility and Lynch’s evident disdain for pretentious
artistic experimentation, a Penguin book whose main purpose will be outlining the plot is in the process of being written. Its prospective co-editors – an illustrious group including the physicist Stephen Hawking, the ancient philosopher Aristotle and a NASA supercomputer – have ‘not got much written down yet due to other commitments, but we’re confident that when we get around to it, it’ll be a piece of cake, and only two pages long at the most.’ Hawking did however provide a “taster” of the forthcoming analysis. He stated, though his voice-machine was on the blink, ‘It’s obvious what happens. A woman is involved in a car crash... meets an aspiring young actress... a decaying body in what could be called a chalet... tiny-headed yet intimidating boss-man... watch a Spanish woman collapse and yet carry on singing her haunting song... tiny yet vicious pensioner chase... terrifyingly scruffy dumpster tramp induces a heart-attack... And so to conclude, it’s not very challenging... Finding Nemo? Now that’s what I call an enigma.’
Summer Term
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Film
The Lemon Press
CINEMA REALISTS PETITION TO BAN ILL-MADE TRAGEDIES Nicholas GS Saul A recent petition organised by the cinema realist movement, which seeks to eradicate movies whose consistency does not match the reality of today’s world, has reached over a hundred million signatures worldwide. The movement’s pressure is now acting on studios, who are now duly considering its proposals in the hope of not losing the custom of screen addicts. If the proposals were accepted the studios would be promising that no film would ever again be made in which a tragedy occurs due to unrealistic eventualities in contemporary society, such as not having a cell phone with which to call for safety or inform a friend of a dangerous situation, or not ‘Facebooking’ a current relationship status and ‘happy birthday’ wishes. In addition, movie characters would be made to behave rationally, leading them to not go into dark basements where the last thing heard was a
strange noise, or to choose the red pill instead of the blue pill... Indeed, were these rules to be applied, the cinema realists argue that then, perhaps, films would become less of a dramatic sissy fabrication and more of an intellectually stimulating visual experience, where one would follow the life of the man who complacently accepted his dull life and did not decide to ambitiously fight back, like in most epic films. Films about the French resistance during the war, for example, could instead then be about the interesting life of a complacent Vichy government supporter, and his heroic combat against food rationing and German bureaucracy. If the studios do ratify the convention then we may hope that a more challenging drama may develop. However, the risk of boring platitude does remain.
NAME THAT FILM! Q. Which Hitchcock thriller of 1963 starring James Stewart (actually, that doesn’t really narrow it down, does it?) is renowned for its spectacular special effects and terrifying attack scenes?
A. The Birds 18
Tippi Hedren alongside The Birds Barbie doll Summer Term 09/10
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
The Lemon Press
GILLIAM FILM DELAYED DUE TO DEATH OF ENTIRE CAST Police rule out charging director; 250 deaths 'not suspicious' Disaster has struck yet another Terry Gilliam production, if reports from Borneo are to be trusted. Kalimantan police claim that up to 250 members of the cast and crew died when an unknown virus spread throughout the film set, with fatal results. Gilliam had begun filming Fourteen Gibbons – the longawaited sequel to Twelve Monkeys – in Central Kalimantan. Rumours circulating around Hollywood suggest that it would have picked up where the sequel left off, chronicling humanity's struggles against both the decimating virus and their new simian oppressors. The incident occurred when a junior researcher, eager to embrace the authentic atmosphere of a Terry Gilliam shoot, smashed a vial of golden liquid on set in between takes, causing outright chaos and slow, painful deaths. Mr. Gilliam, who has a habit of wearing radiation suits on set in order to 'get into character', is reportedly the sole survivor. All crew members died of 'internal combustion within the cranium area', save for the researcher. The only crew member protected by his own radiation suit, he apparently died due to repeated blunt trauma to the skull. 'He fell...repeatedly,' said a not-at-all shifty Gilliam. Indeed, this is not the first time that Gilliam – who unicycles to work regularly ('No company would dare insure my car.') – has been at the centre of tragedy. His first directorial venture in AD79, a love story set on the Italian coast, was devastated by lava and burning hot ash. More recently, his filming experience aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia was calamitous and ultimately fruitless, as most of the footage was accidentally incinerated. Amongst those tragically lost include Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey, multi-Golden Globe recipient Jim Carrey, Emmy Award winner Jennifer Aniston, and James Belushi. The untimely deaths should not interfere with Gilliam's other project, a big-screen adaptation of Captain Scarlet, in which Gilliam himself will take the lead role. Craig Dobson Summer Term
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Music
The Lemon Press
A Beginner’s Guide to…GANGSTA R.A.P. Tom Cook
Brief History Many believe that ‘Gangsta Rap’ found its true beginnings in 1989 with NWA’s smash hit ‘Straight Outta Compton.’ However, rap purists will argue that NWA merely brought Gangsta Rap to the mainstream, and that it actually began in 1987 with the far less commercially successful, “Steal yo’ women and yo’ jewels, it’s what I do, do, do” by little known rap group Criminalz. The song itself was a hit with local radio stations and, following the release of the single, many in the music industry felt the group were poised for breakthrough. However, perhaps too true to their name, in a street mix tape released later that year, Criminalz boasted of real life crimes in their song ‘Crimes what we’ve done (of which the police have no evidence).’ Subsequently, each member of the crew was arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Lyrics from the incriminating song in question include: We’ve all committed felonies, They make fo’ such good memories. Johnny stabbed Mrs. Miller just last year But he’s a psychopath – dude’s conscience be clear! Ray-Ray stole jewels from Tiffany and Co., He also sold drugs to a minor, yo. Frankie-boy jay walks from breakfast til’ noon, Blastin’ music from his boom box, pimpin’ bitches to the choon Alfie? He likes a lot that’s whack, particularly it’s doggin’ He also exposes himself on public transport (ogging) I myself (real name: Billy Westmoreland) never pay my TV license, ya’ll I also own several assault rifles for which I have no license, ya’ll. Despite its inauspicious beginnings, Gangsta Rap went on to become a global phenomenon, amassing billions of dollars worldwide and turning many of its performers (Dr Dre, Tupac, Snoop Dogg, DMX, to name but a few) into international megastars. The genre is still commercially successful to this day.
Credibility It has always been extremely important for Gangsta rappers to maintain some kind of credibility, not least from a marketing perspective. Those who buy their records are invariably middle-class suburban white kids, and these impressionable teenagers are not only buying the music, they are also buying into the ‘hardcore’ and ‘street’ image projected by their favourite rapper. For this reason, rap artists like MC Tight Jeans, the world’s first openly gay rapper, have been far less popular. Unfortunately, the pursuit of credibility has also occasionally led to tragedy. In 1996 an aspiring New Jersey rapper named Lil Murda died whilst attempting to shove a machete up his own anus, after he was asked by a rival MC to prove his boast that ‘I’m so gangsta I buttfuck myself.’
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Summer Term 09/10
In a survey of ducks on campus, 20% admitted that they probably wouldn’t say no.
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Controversy Gangsta rap has always been a highly controversial form of music. The type of image that these artists convey in the media has led to many prominent political figures denouncing it as ‘overly violent,’ ‘misogynistic,’ and ‘glorifying crime.’ Indeed in 2002, after the crime rate increased yet again in the inner city areas of Washington DC, Senator Joseph McReary spoke out against local rapper Big Crip and the message he was sending out to local youngsters. Labelling him ‘a poison corrupting the minds of our children,’ Big Crip’s lawyers swiftly responded to the criticism, releasing this statement to the press: ‘As legal representatives of Mr Crip, we feel that Senator McReary’s comments were outrageous and unfounded. We object to the Senator’s use of the lyrics “I’ll sell drugs to a baby, I’ll sell drugs to an old lady” as an example of our client’s promotion of lawbreaking. We feel these lyrics have been completely and willfully misinterpreted. Mr Crip assures us that the drugs referred to are purely medicinal. And as for the lyrics “I’ll slap a ho if she cross me on a bad day, I’m a f**king OG I want to shoot her so badly,” which the Senator referred to so profusely as an example of our client’s poor treatment of women, we feel these words have been taken completely out of context. If you actually listen to the full song ‘Women (why I hate them)’, you’ll find he provides a compelling and impressively logical argument for why women are inferior.’ Hopefully this small guide has left you feeling informed and up-to-date with of one of the most popular music genres of all time. For further analysis on the subject please read Professor Marty Lubowicz’s excellent novella ‘Pimps Busting Slugs - An Intellectual Examination of Gangsta Rap’ or visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk
From left to right: Fat Chillz Killa, M.C. N.Y.C., Lil’ Short Fuse, Tony “The ToTo” Chainsaw, and Rev. Horatio Jenkins
Election time is coming and the Conservative Party have been backed by a great range of ‘musicians’, with Matt from Busted, Craig David and Gary Barlow all braying blue. There are rumours that if his bid for power fails, David Cameron will retire from politics to form a new boy band with said maestros. Names in the pipeline include out*of-sync, West(minster)life and Take That(cher). Summer Term
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Music
The Lemon Press
8 Song Playlist: An Eight Song Tribute to the Family Holiday You’re Dreading Hayley Fairclough
Rehdogg Rehview Jonathan Cridford After years of respected rap and hip-hop musicians sharing with us their boundless desire to bitch-slap their girlies, I am confident that I am not the only one searching for something more. It was the heart-wrenching ‘Why Must I Cry’ which first ushered me in to the age of Rehdogg, a Youtube beat-meister. It tells the heartwarming tale of the friendship between a man and the fatherless ghetto boy who stops at nothing to leave him penniless, and all the bases of ‘generic love song’ are covered, with heart-felt lyrics such as,‘if you were a cripple and in a wheel chair, I would still love you.’ It’s a shame, however, that the person to whom this epic is addressed does not reciprocate. Of course, the reason might be that Rehdogg is ‘nearly two decades older than [him]’. Sure to inspire deep emotions in even the hardest of hearts, Rehdogg looks set to dethrone R. Kelly from his place as king of the ‘emotionally poignant borderline paedo’ rap genre.
There has been a burgeoning trend recently of female singers giving away their ‘personal’ preferences; Kate Nash with her warble of ‘I wanna be fucked and then rolled over’ has joined in Rihanna’s cry for ‘come here rude boy boy, is you big enough?’ while Beyoncé on the other hand struggles with something that is ‘too big, too wide, too strong, it won’t fit’. Indeed. To read more great music reviews and to download the 8 Song Playlist for Spotify, visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk 22
Beautiful Calm Driving – Sia Egg sandwiches, warm fanta and your Dad’s 80s megamix -this song will block that looming nightmare out for 5 minutes and 3 seconds. Can’t Speak French – Girls Aloud ‘Bonjour! Ca va? Erm...Bonjour?’ – Embarrassing, but probably the least of your worries. Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division The ones you love have the power to get under your skin more than anyone else. Perhaps you and your Dad can bond over vintage britpop? Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna So the 80s Britpop failed? Blast this from the pokey, damp room you’re sharing with your brother and maybe they’ll all get the message. Fuck You – Lily Allen A much more direct approach . Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) – Marilyn Manson A head-banging anthem and the perfect accompaniment to the swelling anger and ‘everyone is against me’ paranoia that you’ve been feeling. Clean Break – Jenny Owen Youngs Pull up on the drive way. Immediately exit vehicle, potentially whilst still in motion. ‘Make it a clean break, make it a fast cut.’ Looking Up – Paramore Breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice - you will not have to face an excruciating, family-packed ordeal for at least another year. Things are looking up!
Summer Term 09/10
The colour red was discovered at the University of York in 1972.
The Lemon Press
Bat For Lashes: 2 Suns Sarah Jeffery Although considered by many to be an intense, musical exploration of love, loneliness and lyrical poetry, further analysis of the album cover reveals Bat for Lashes (A.K.A Natasha Khan’s) true intent….a declaration of her alien status and an announcement of her plans for world domination. CROWN Don’t be fooled by the fact that it resembles something created in a playgroup- instead Khan is subtly declaring herself to be Christ incarnate.
SIGN When rearranged the album title clearly spells out ‘SOW NUTS’- an indication that Khan will return the human population to living off the land, or perhaps that the male of the species will be buried alive in the earth. Another possibility is Khan expressing her alien hatred of students: NUS SWOTS
ONE PLAIT Because two is merely an expression of greed CANDLES In the Bat for Lashes’ world electricity- a ‘modern’ and ridiculous notion- will be replaced by soft lighting and candles created from the melted down essence of fur, gold and bats.
BALLS Only the most obtuse viewer would assume Khan is holding ‘Two Suns’, instead her right hand is planet earth, while her left holds her alien planet. The phallic connotations are also clear- she plans to literally ‘rip the balls’ off mankind.
SKIN On her first album, Khan chose to be depicted in the shadows, obscuring the telltale sign of her alien status- her psychedelic skinas the public was not yet ready for the takeover. Now she has chosen to flaunt her alien condition so obviously, it can only be a sign that the invasion is starting. Summer Term
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Science
The Lemon Press
Fiery Orb Appears Above York Elliot Gresswell Confusion spread across York yesterday with the appearance of a giant, blinding object in the sky. Dubbed “Sky-Orb” by the media and “Object X” by York’s scientific community, the entity simply appeared at dawn with no explanation. Supposedly Object X, which emits vast quantities of heat and light, is simply a harmless astrological anomaly. However given the fact that X’s appearance was accompanied by the complete destruction of the Cloud Barrier, many are not so sure. Without the protective Cloud Barrier, the people of York have been exposed to Bright Blue, a dangerous and ostensibly mind-altering energy field, which our finest minds can only assume is a ‘really bad thing.’ At the time of writing, the city is currently under the protection of night, but some have suggested destroying the Sky-Orb should it persist. Presumably some kind of missile could do the job, since the object is clearly visible in the sky and therefore roughly as far away as the average jet-plane. Oh yes, also, five students spontaneously combusted when exposed to the light. So be careful of that.
Are you a third year leaving York (lucky bastard)? Do you want a copy of the Lemon Press carrier pigeon'd to you? Join our Alumni Scheme! Email: Treasurer@thelemonpress.co.uk for details!
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Summer Term 09/10
This unnamed York student popped out for milk. He was lucky to escape with his life. Use of covered walkways is strongly recommended by experts.
If you press the Americano and Mocha buttons of a coffee machine in the Fresher’s café simultaneously...
The Lemon Press
SCIENCE NEWSFLASH with professors Gallimore and Cook “INVISIBLE MAN” ARRESTED A man known as “Griffin” was arrested last night for disturbing the peace, breaking and entering, and seventeen counts of indecent exposure. Griffin was said to have made himself invisible after an experiment into refractive indices. Eyewitnesses report sighting him wandering around naked, standing around in women's locker rooms, breaking into buildings and generally making a nuisance of himself. Police were finally tipped off by a Dr. Kemp, who issued the following statement: ‘Griffin calls himself the Invisible Man, but the truth is, he's just not that invisible. I mean, he's a little blurry around the edges... And sometimes he likes to stand behind things. But I think he's probably more accurately titled the '95% opacity man'. He enjoys moving things around rooms, knocking things over, waving things around the air and pretending he's a ghost, but to be honest it's pretty obvious that he's there. He also keeps talking about his 'Reign of Terror', the details of which seem to mostly involve breaking into people's houses and hiding their car keys. The man is clearly insane.’ ZEBRAS FANS OF BIRDSEYE? After extensive research, a bored shopkeeper has discovered that, when scanned with a barcode reader, all Zebras read ‘frozen peas.’ This has since been confirmed by an army of biologists and zookeepers each hoping to put off doing actual work for as long as possible, in what sociologists can only refer to as ‘procrastination of epic proportions.’ No zebras were available for comment. Something Fishy ‘Bollocks,’ stated Professor Monty Peterson this morning, when he dropped his Tuna and Sweetcorn Tesco value sandwich into the LHC multi-million dollar particle accelerator. ‘Gosh you finished that quick!’ commented a surprised colleague returning from the bathroom. ‘Yep, didn’t eat dinner last night, was working on those new parabolas, did you get a chance to look at those?’ replied Professor Peterson, skilfuly changing the subject. Around 3:00 pm later that afternoon, the group of scientists were shocked by the unusual readings produced by the giant collider. ‘My God!’ exclaimed a visibly shaken lab technician. ‘If this is true, the Big Bang was originally formed by a combination of the elements of tuna and sweetcorn. Someone phone the President!!’ At this point Professor Peterson was apparently distracted by something on his shoe. Summer Term
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The Lemon Press
Science
DEADLINE HEADLINES Real headlines, no research. With deadlines fast approaching, the Lemon Press’ science correspondent, Jamie Gallimore, presents you with a summary of the latest real science stories - without necessarily having read the actual article first.
UK Scientists Test Worldwide Food Alert System New health and safety laws, to be introduced around this time next year, require any person about to eat to loudly announce the precise nature of the food they are about to receive including temperature, allergens, what it smells like and the precise method in which they will consume it. Further, a onemetre radius is to be cordoned off around any eater and everyone is required to be “extra careful” and “chew their food properly”. The system streamlines this process by sounding alarms, flashing lights, and automatically erecting a barrier around the diner in any canteen, restaurant, or eatery.
Comparative Effectiveness Trial Leads to Evidence-Based Progress The nature of the trial is to study how many words can be placed into a sentence without it actually saying anything. The current record is held by “Comparative Effectiveness Trial Leads to Evidence-Based Progress.”
Rise Of Female Weaponry Driven By Poop Fights To repeat: this is an actual headline. My job here is already done.
Shaving Extra Dimensions String theory proposes that matter is composed of vibrating 1-D lines of energy, or “strings.” Or something like that. According to the latest thinking, millions of these lines are beginning to bleed through into our universe from a neighbouring one, in what has been termed the “quantum beard.” Left unchecked, they will begin to pollute the fabric of our universe. NASA are already preparing a giant space-mounted spacerazor, in space, in order to “shave” the “beard,” and thus to ‘attract the ladies of the cosmos’ and prevent universal annihilation.
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Summer Term 09/10
...it causes Barry White to start playing in hidden speakers dotted around the library.
The Lemon Press
Game Review: Stand-By
[9.2]
Stand-By is a slow-paced, long-term-survival horror game that pits you as average guy Joe Normal, battling the growing threat of global warming across a range of locations. After a gruelling introduction sequence in which Joe Normal sets up his new TV only to find that pressing the power button results in the red glow of stand-by mode, you take control of a realistically rendered average guy. In a twist on the regular survival horror genre, Joe has little in the way of weapons training. By virtue of a “Carbon Footprint” meter, Joe must ensure that he doesn’t cause the world to end through global warming; for example, by turning his refrigerator off and placing his yogurts outside instead. These set-pieces are a bold attempt by producers Campcom to add realism to the far-out conspiracy theory that forms much of the plot of Stand-By. The game’s various enemies come in all shapes and sizes, from 19” flat-screen TV-Sets that only have a stand-by feature, to 32” widescreen TV-Sets that only have a stand-by feature. The intermittent boss battles are equally varied, Joe Normal is designed very from computers whose “Shut Down” function convincingly. He even has shit Graphics 8 has vanished, to stereos whose volume can be facial hair. turned down, but never off. Listen out for the sound of evil Perhaps the only failing of the game is that its traffic indicating windows in Sound 9 aim is too large: no matter what you do, you need of closing! can never see the outcome of Joe’s actions, The storyline takes you across Story 9 because he will invariably die before he has many different rooms. any real impact on the fight against global The ability to either turn the warming. That said, a sequel is already in the plugs off at the socket or just rip works, allowing you to transfer your save data it straight out really makes you Replayability 8 want to try through at least to the new game and see Joe’s children twice. struggling with slightly colder winters and This game will last at least as slightly smaller ice-caps. Longevity 10 long as the ice caps. Ryan Fitzgerald
Summer Term
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The Lemon Press
Arts
A Poet's Monologue - Jack Stanley I'm a poet. Yes, that's what I do. I'm quite good at it - okay, I'll stop being modest, I'm amazing...really. No-one realises this yet, but it's true...honest. I wear black all the time. I'm not sure why, but the others do it and so do I. I'm really an individual on the inside, everyone knows me. I drink wine a lot too. It tastes like shit - red wine, of course. I like to observe people, common people. They're my favourites. They don't understand what I do...dressed in black...drinking wine. I retain my individuality, of course. I've only ever written one poem. A girl I fancied liked it - that's good enough for me. Did I get it published? No, that would be selling out, and I'm not going to do that now. I'll get it published once I'm dead. It'll be worth more then. I'm a poet, you see. I even put it down as my occupation on the last census, so it must be true. I'm a poet, I wear black.
Diary of Paul Dugarry, janitor of the Moiseur Lamarque museum in Paris (translated from French) Had a strange man wearing a bow tie wander round today. He broke into tears, and even fainted at one point. Then he gave me 10 million dollars for my sandwich.
Aesop’s Lost Fable Once, there was a travelling band of hedgehogs. They would travel all over the nation, entertaining townsfolk with their jaunty songs, juggling and acrobatics, and story-telling. They were well known and well loved by all who had the pleasure of witnessing their exciting shows.
Then one day, they were all run over. Moral: Life is short. I’m taking a holiday. Tom Cook
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Summer Term 09/10
There are only nine facts about York University
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Blank Page Zahra Yassim As I sat upon my desk today, A beautiful blank page came on display. It beseeched me to adorn it with letters For ‘words from your pen could make me better!’ I pondered a while, so unusual the request and eyed and examined the page without rest. Finally, I yielded and raised pen to the cause. Alas, it was then that I elapsed to this pause. ‘Muse!’ cried I, fretful with dread I felt my words leave me; my imagination fall dead! Yet the Muse answered not, as I called out in vain. My pen even vanished. Wouldst I see it again?
But the page waited patiently on and on, It only remained while the rest had all gone. Devoid and eager, it begged me to write. So I sent it away with nothing but spite. Now as I sit upon my table today, I sigh and mourn for they've gone away! The page lies over yonder, burning in fire. The fault is not mine. I seek a Muse for hire.
Creative Editors Alex Allison you are like a peacock plumed and proud. with a voice like a cheese grater, stubborn and loud. you are like a ruler simple and straight. with a snap like a foghorn, sharply irate.
Summer Term
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Arts
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RECESSION-BUSTING POETRY Some assembly required: Ode to an Ikea Manual Jamie Gallimore Fittings to the anti-topple device are not included. They do not include me; oh how I despair To find the reduced structural integrity and the damage this does to my heart, choking on sawdust filled air. Handle me with care. Hold me this way up. I am fragile, do not bend or drop. Figure 1 thing out for me And I'll figure 2 I'll construct this shelf if it kills me Screw this manual I'll use my intellect In its lieu. Allen key, oh how you twist and turn and drive my soul together. Onward, onward, onward then Oh! You veer off, at a right angle Leaving me cold and alone and uncertain. Maybe I should contact my specialised retailer.
Aldi, Aldi! By supermarket shelf-stacker, ’50p’ St. Louis shoppas like Aldi, Aldi! Cleveland shoppas is bout it, bout it! If they say they gonna charge you for bags shoppa, don't you doubt it Got your pound for the trolley, well don't leave home without it! The Memphis shoppas like Aldi, Aldi! Them Shytown shoppas is bout it, bout it! They'll help you pack and act like they don't know shit about it Leave your bags somewhere where no one done found it... 30
Summer Term 09/10
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