Issue I Week 3 Spring 2014
"On the Cusp of Coherence"
Only One Out Of Five Students Not Off Their Heads All The Time
Romanian Deluge
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Language
Following an extensive As Big Ben struck 12 and campaign spearheaded by YUSU heralded in 2014, the United Kingdom A new scientific survey from Disabled Students Officer, Thomas Ron, prepared itself for the opening of UK The University of Ladford suggests that borders to Romanian and Bulgarian the Languages for All Department has pretty much everyone is drinking so entered into negotiations to offer nationals, and “a deluge of good-formuch coffee and booze that it really Geordie as a foreign language for the nothing, parasitic benefit scroungers”, isn’t noticeable when someone’s using 2014/15 academic year. Critics of the according to Das Reich. Early reports prescription ‘Study Drugs’. plan have questioned the relevance of suggest that national crime rates have Between glorified alcoholism, Geordie to today’s globalised society, increased by 213%, the slave trade has subsequent hangovers, lack of enforced reopened in certain London boroughs, but the department swiftly cited the bedtimes, terrible nutrition, health Medieval Latin course as evidence that and Her Majesty the Queen has been hazards of a student kitchen, and relevance is totally irrelevant. murdered in her bed. smoking, half of students agreed that Local Geordie, Barry ‘Howayy’ Tom Murray ‘Study Drugs’ would either make little Shearer had this to say, “Ah think it's Not so Nisa difference or drastically improve the geet tha regional minorities are getting The University recently came to the representation an respect they average student’s situation. a standstill when a henious crime However, many stressed the desorve. Noo weors me Greggs sausage against grammar was unveiled at the dangers of substance abuse. “Last time I rowl?” new Nisa shop. Tens of students had an essay I did a load of Red Bull,” Kallum Taylor praised the news tweeted their anger at the errant one student said. “I was awake for 66 adding that his final campaign as hours straight and my piss smelled kind apostrophe and one was herd tutting. Student President will be to get The minimum wage staff responsable of like almonds, and I only got a 52 to speakers of his own native tongue, have all, thankfully, been fired. boot. Don’t be like me, Freshers.” Scouse, recognised as foreign students. Alexandra Craven ADVERTISEMENT
Sophie Gadd
Tom Murray
Gove Rewrites History Again
Historians have all thrown down their pens and breathed a sigh of relief today, as Michael Gove has done what centuries of writers have attempted without success: finally uncovered the one true way of learning from history. Modern intellectuals, as well as the thousands of academics that came before them have been researching in vain. Who knew that the only means of learning from the past would be discovered in an article about the First World War for the Daily Mail? The Education Secretary has told us that we need to “learn from that conflict in the right way”, something which scores of trained teachers have been missing. Up until this point there has been a worrying tendency to consider various points of view, from people who have different opinions. This will now be, of course, rectified. Thanks has been flooding in from these misguided historians, happy in the fact that they can carry on their work in the only correct way. The article, continuing once again to prove Gove as being a gift to the history profession, also informed the nation that the much loved Blackadder is in fact not an accurate documentary. This shocking revelation has thrown Britain into a fit of despair, as not only does it invalidate evidence of what was believed to be filmed during the tragedy but also leads us to the conclusion that revered poems such as The German Guns by the war poet Baldrick may not have even been written at the time. Incredible. Next week: Gove’s truth behind Game of Thrones: were there REAL dragons in The Wars of The Roses?
Eleanor Mason
What Your Library Seat Says About You
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Harry Fairhurst/Hairy Fairy: You’re a first year and fascinated by the bean bags, and walls you can draw on, you find it comfortingly like playschool. The Library Lobby/Liblob: it's all getting a bit much and you tearfully phone home, much to the discomfort of those just wanting to eat lunch and do the crossword. Raymond Burton/Razza Bazza: Does it actually exist? No one seems to know where this is, or if it's really there. If you do find yourself working there chances are you’re wearing any of the following: coloured trousers, heavy knitwear or a barbour. Or probably all three. You’re there because the rest of the library just to mainstream. Café/Centre of your social life: This totally counts as studying; it’s in the library, right? Just a five minute coffee break… until you bump into half your course and spend an hour comparing essay crisis and bitching about your department. Dangerous place to gossip as everyone there knows everyone else. Private study rooms: You hate everyone, especially the person who over ran by 5 minutes into your slot. Champion of the passive aggressive lurking/staring combo The thrones by the stairs: You're asleep, probably because you were here at daybreak to grab one of these chairs. JBM/You haven’t given it a nickname, you’re too stressed: Chewing gum in case you smell, but sucking it in case someone complains they chew too loudly, in a panic of selfawareness, the fear leads to sweat and you’re terrified that that too may be broadcast on Spotted, but you can’t nip to the loo to check because you’re too afraid to leave your seat in case your belongings are repossessed by the library police. You are the oppressed majority. Sorry about that. Vanbrugh IT room: worried about bumping into your one night stand in the library, you’re hiding out in here till the feeling of tequila induced nausea and shame have subsided. Emily Mangles
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Loser “Doesn’t Watch Sherlock”, Sources Confirm
It was confirmed today that a student at the University, who cannot be named for legal reasons, didn’t watch Sherlock. Suspicions about the student were first aroused on Monday morning, when he had no opinion on the plot twists in His Last Vow, and an investigation showed that he had not said anything about it on Twitter or Facebook. The student in question has been detained pending an investigation. In a statement he showed no remorse, saying “Nobody can match up to Basil Rathbone anyway.”
Alexandra Craven
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Royal Revelations
There was shock throughout the media last night when somebody pointed out that Prince William didn’t just get into Cambridge on ABC A-Levels. In a statement, Clarence House confirmed that as well as the A-level grades, the Duke of Cambridge graduated from the University of St Andrews in 2005 with a 2:1 MA in Geography. “Oh yeah,” said everybody. “I guess that would demonstrate some academic ability. He’s probably a very able student.” The Prince’s ten week Agriculture course, which is not an undergraduate degree in a popular and highly competitive subject like you applied for, has been a subject of bitter discussion in recent weeks “My point about Cambridge and the monarchy both being outdated, elitist institutions still stands,” said a student journalist who probably got rejected from Durham too.
Alexandra Craven
Chair: Lois Stone | Secretary: Alex Bassick | Treasurer: Jake Roper Editors: Sohie Gadd and Tom Davies Contributors: Alexandra Craven, Emily Mangles, Eleanor Mason, Tom Murray
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