The Lemon Press – Issue 11 by The Lemon Press

I CAN believe it’s not butter. Because it’s marmalade.

Welcome to the Lemon Press! Please wipe your feet. It’s issue eleven of York’s longest running satire magazine, and oh boy what an issue it is. We have gathered up all the exclusive news, insider politics, groundbreaking science and scandalous gossip that Nouse didn’t dare to print. Mainly because it is wholly made up. You don’t win the 2010 NUS Student Media of the year award with facts, oh no. Which we did. Just thought I’d point that out again. You’re welcome. Anyway, election season is upon us and despite the substantial fire hazards, candidates have plastered their names on Frosties boxes up and down our little slice of concrete loveliness. The big question is of course: who will win this year’s York University Crown Of Ultimate Power? Will it be Peter Warner-Medley, who wants to give campus the contact lenses it so badly needs? Or perhaps James Carney, the YUSU candidate who isn’t that fond of YUSU. Maybe it’ll be Kallum Taylor, who thinks he is special, or Zahra Latif, and her magnificent hat. Nacho Hernando is in the mix too and is, according to his posters, a nacho. Then of course we have Abir Ahmmed who wants to be the very best and last but not least, Mr. Tom Taylor, YUSU President (to be confirmed). Depending on when you pick this up, we might even have our new president already, hence the neat little cut-and-stick cover. Please note that cutting and sticking is mandatory. Jamie Gallimore Rosa Wright

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Editors

Front cover

Editor

Fake shop advert

Rosa Wright

Editor

Contents

Ellen Larson

Deputy Editor

Olivia Waring

Deputy Editor

Charles Deane

Politics Editor

Jamie Gallimore

Tom Kelsey

Deputy Politics

Lois Stone

Campus Editor

Tim Godfrey

Deputy Campus

Oscar Burton Xi

News Editor

Tom Henwood

Deputy News

This one

News

p4 - 5

Politics

p6 – 7

Sci/Tech

p8 – 9

Entertainment

p10 – 13

Campus

p14 - 19

Features

p20 - 21

Lifestyle

p22 - 23

Arts

p24 - 25 p26 - 28

Jake Harvey

Features Editor

Olivia Waring

Lifestyle Editor

Sports

Jack Lawrence

SciTech Editor

Fake ad

p29 p30

Sairah Rehman

Arts Editor

Crossword

J Cridford

Ents Editor

Opinions + real ad

p31

Back cover

p32

Dave Hughes IV

Sports Editor

Overworked Lackeys Cieran Douglass

Design

Nathan Blades

Design

Executives Charles Deane

Chair

Tom Taylor

Treasurer

Ellen Larson

Secretary

Sam Partridge drew this picture of Zahra Latif. He doesn’t even go to York any more but he still does stuff. Now THAT’S commitment.

Contents

Beans Means You’re Living On A Student Budget

Polly-amorous relationships on rise in UK The number of people in romantic relationships with parrots is increasing in the UK. Over 17000 people on a Match.com survey reported themselves to be pursuing ‘alternative lifestyle arrangements’ with over 50% of them professing to be polyamorous. User Toucan_Play_That_Game84 said, “I’ve been going out with my parrot Gypsy for a couple of years now and we’re really happy. Some people might think it’s strange but the conversation is always great, even if the cracker bill is high.” While the survey has ruffled a few feathers in animal rights groups, with the RSPCA saying it is “hard to swallow,” there has been an unusual amount of support from both the left and right wings of the press. The Daily Mail commentators have said “these people have not committed any cardinal sins” while the Guardian has said “it is nothing to grouse about.” The Sun summed it up most succinctly with “that bird has nice tits – we eagle-y await her tern on Page 3.” Rosa Wright

News of the World faces Häkkinen The News of the World has been forced to admit to yet another phone-hacking scandal, this time involving Finnish racing driver Mika Häkkinen. The Formula One star believes that News International managed to obtain personal information regarding his family and racing plans from his voicemail account. A spokesman for Mr Häkkinen released this statement: “Mr Häkkinen has been hacked by hacks and is extremely hacked off. His hackles have been raised, the stress has given him a hacking cough and, heck, he’s heckling those hackers from his holiday home in Haxby.” Mr Häkkinen has been offered support from other hacked celebrities including Charlotte Church and comedian Steve Coogan. Mr Coogan commented upon the scandal saying, “I’m personally worried for the rest of Mika’s family. I mean, how many Häkkinens can a hack hack if a hack can hack Mika Häkkinen? It just doesn’t bear thinking about.” The trial begins next week.

News

Rosa Wright

York’s fourth favourite news website

UN Summit turns into orgy after diplomat accidentally uses Lynx deodorant.

Energy Crisis Solved Supplies of fossil and nuclear fuels are running low, and with sceptics expressing doubts over the reliability of wind, solar and hydroelectric power sources it seems at last that a solution has been found. Ed Davey, the new Energy and Climate Change Secretary, announced the government’s plans to support a brand new initiative that would help supply the nation with boundless energy supplies; “With the benefit of hindsight it is surprising that none of us thought of this sooner, but I think we can all agree that fuelling our power stations with Energy Drinks is the way forward.” Already several major companies have announced their plans to bid for the new energy contracts, including Red Bull and Lucozade, but Mr Davey would not be drawn on who the front-runners were. “Let’s just say one company in particular has been pretty “Relentless” in their efforts to head the initiative.” A government insider later revealed that Mr Davey was actually trying to reference discount energy drink Emerge but had forgotten which pun he planned to use. The announcement has not been without controversy. Caroline Flint, the Shadow Energy and Climate Change Secretary, warned of the dangers of the proposal. “We still don’t know the long term effects of adding this much caffeine to the National Grid.” Last year, rumours emerged that the Swedish National Grid had contracted diabetes during an Energy Drink pilot scheme. Charles Deane

Super Dry Rival to Move to York York’s resident Super Dry manager Jonathan Mendle has reported disappointment at learning that a rival to his trendy clothing shop is expected to open up on Low Petergate this summer. Already, large plastic letters reading ‘Not At All Wet’ have been affixed to the shop’s facade.

Red Bull gives the country’s fledgling nuclear industry wings

“I was hoping that they wouldn’t open one up in town,” Mendle told The Lemon Press, “but what can I do now that they have? I’m just thankful that the nearest discount chain of Slightly Damp is still in Leeds.” Ellen Larson

thelemonpress.co.uk

News

Shock as man gets OUT of sea to urinate

POLITICS: FOR THOSE WHO CARE HOW THINGS ARE DONE Conservatives call for air-strikes against the environment Right-wing members of the coalition have reacted angrily to new government plans to spend £30billion on renewable energy in the effort to stop global warming, dismissing the move as “appeasement”. “Have we learnt nothing from 1939?” spat one prominent back bencher, “It’s got to be an eye for an eye. You want to raise sea levels? We’ll blow up a mountain. Try to increase the number of unusual weather events? We’ll vaporise a stream.” Yesterday, Prime Minster David Cameron rejected these calls, saying “Let me be clear: military intervention is not the appropriate response here. I will not give in to populist solutions just because they seem like the easy way out.” Pre-emptive strikes began early this morning. Generals have reported that three large bombs have been dropped over the North Sea. However, the environment hit back almost immediately, with three medium scale tsunamis hitting the east coast just minutes after the bombs landed. David Cameron remains defiant saying “I want the environment to know that the people of Britain will not be intimidated by your cowardly attacks and for every tsunami you send, I have authorised the military to drop three more bombs. And this will not stop until you surrender.” David Spriggs

Falklands: Argentina Takes Defensive Measures Relations between the UK and Argentina have famously been strained for a number of decades, reaching a peak in 1982 following the Argentinian invasion of the Falkland Islands, and again in 1997 when Britain, high on sugar and a new government, pushed its old rival in the mud and stole all of its Pogs. Referring to the latest posturing by the UK, which has in recent weeks been playing with its toys in Argentina’s sandpit, President Christina Fernández de Kirchner has called Great Britain “A poopy head” and “smelly”. Today, the nation has unveiled its latest plan to secure the islands. In short, the 67-page press release from the Argentine government outlines its plans to place the Falklands on the top shelf, next to the cookie jar, so that the UK can’t get them. Foreign Secretary William Hague has labelled this as “kind of a dick move” and stated that “we didn’t really want them anyway”. Furthermore, top MoD analysts have explained that the move is futile, since “France said we can stand on their back so we can reach” and further claims that if the South American state continues to act in this way, “we’ll get the US on you”. The situation does not look as if it will be resolved in the near future, but the UN has announced that it plans to take away both nations’ pocket money for a week if they continue to be naughty. Jamie Gallimore

Mushroom cloud, or cloud of mushrooms?

Politics

Twisted firestarter?

Eruption of gang warfare halted by eruption of volcano.

Lansley offers reward for finding NHS Health Reform Bill after it is thrown out of Lords About one-sixth of the Conservative Party are roaming the streets and scouring the City of London’s bins after its much-hated NHS Health Reform Bill was thrown out of the House of Lords. “Do you mind? I’m trying to find the Bill. It’s got to be here somewhere,” said an exasperated Lansley to Lemon Press journalists whilst rummaging through a public bin outside of Westminster. Other MPs with little self-respect remaining, including but not limited to Eric Pickles and Baroness Warsi, have joined Lansley in searching for the controversial Bill, with the latter spotted combing through a landfill on her hands and knees. Other Conservative MPs who were not particularly keen on the Bill in the first place decided to remain seated in Westminster, whilst the Liberal Democrats and Labour politicians gleefully tore into the Tories over the fiasco. “Conservative politicians scraping the bottom of barrels; where have we heard that before?” said Ed Miliband, registering a rare victory in the House of Commons. The embarrassing episode will only serve to dent Andrew Lansley’s reputation, as he admitted he “didn’t have a backup copy”, even though variations of the plan have been in the pipeline for decades. As the unsuccessful search drew to a close, a despondent Lansley lamented how obstructive and passive-aggressive the general public have been towards him and his shrinking pool of supporters. “Refuse collectors and landfill supervisors have not co-operated in the slightest. It’s times like this that I regret being affiliated with a party renowned for screwing over the lower classes. Fortunately, these times are few and far between.” Other Conservatives stopped short of defending the Bill, but were critical of the House of Lords in how they have dealt with the matter. “I think they’ve misinterpreted what it means for a Bill to be thrown out of the Lords,” said the perennially perplexed George Osborne. “With any luck, they’ve thrown it into the recycling pile, so it can still find its way back to the House of Commons.”

Alex Salmond’s daughter to demand referendum on independence Katie Salmond has moved to initiate a ballot on whether the sixteen year tie that has existed between her and the rest of the Salmond family should be severed. Katie claims that independence would bring a number of benefits – namely increased selfesteem and the freedom not to go to school. However, critics say she is too reliant on the Salmond family income for the move to make sense in practice. This raises the possibility that she is not seeking independence after all but simply making a move for what is being termed ‘devo max’ where she would remain a part of the household but would have no curfew and could have boys in her room whenever she liked. However, it remains to be seen how her brother Jimmy would react to what would be sure to be seen as preferential treatment toward another member of the Salmond union. David Spriggs

Craig Dobson

Mitt Romney ‘not concerned about the very poor’ US Republican candidate Mitt Romney has said that he is “not concerned about the very poor” as he is “a true Republican”. The Republican front-runner wants to assure uncertain voters that he has “read Atlas Shrugged the whole way through” and “understands the needs of the 1% - they’re number one for a reason”. The comment has met with concern and outrage from some of Romney’s critics but the former Massachusetts governor seems unfazed: “Caring is for Communists and Communists are the number one cause of Communism in America today. You’re not a Communist are you?” Rosa Wright

thelemonpress.co.uk understands

Politics

Biology dept research confirms: Aren’t kittens lovely?

Dogs ‘not affected’ by pointless scientific research, say scientists

esearchers at the Facility for the Institute of Dog Observation (FIDO) have this week proved that dogs are completely unaffected when exposed to pointless scientific research data. The experiment involved 942 dogs being exposed to some of the organisation’s most famous research papers, including ‘Are Schnauzers are significantly startled by bearded ladies?’ and ‘If a dog buries a bone in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, will he still lick his own testicles?’ Professor Rex Ogday and a 150-strong team of researchers observed the dogs of various breeds over six months and reported “no statistically significant response or reaction to the data” putting the public’s mind at ease, once again, as well as announcing plans for their next venture ‘Can dogs look up?’ Rosa Wright

Facebook to Introduce “Periodic Acid Sprays” Feature

acebook, the university student’s favourite tool of procrastination, have this week announced that they will be rolling out a new feature to all users over the coming months. Company President Mark Zuckerberg stated at a conference that “We believe that “periodic acid sprays” represent the best way forward for facebook layout. After extensive consultation and investment in remote liquefaction techniques, we have determined that “periodic acid sprays”, or PAS as we’re calling it, will work on approximately 95% of modern computers”. The move comes following a number of widely unpopular site redesigns, as well as features such as “automatically send all incriminating photographs to potential employers” and “tell your girlfriend about every girl whose status you so much as like”, and is expected to be well-received by the website’s 850 million-strong userbase. “And hey,” commented Zuckerberg, “even if they don’t like it, at least if we melt out their eyes they’ll stop complaining about Timeline”. Cieran Douglass

Science/Technology

The geese are watching you

You love salt? Whatever floats your boat.

Time Traveller Reveals the Future

Time Traveller has returned from the year 2050 to reveal that everything will be fine.

“I know many of you are afraid of global warming, increasing population, global terrorism and spiders taking over the world,” George Stevens revealed after touching down in York. “But actually, it’ll all be fine. Really. Don’t bother worrying about it.” Mr Stevens couldn’t reveal any of the specific details for fear of creating a paradox. Indeed, he did reveal that one of these promises was in fact false to make sure nobody became complacent. “Just keep working hard and everything will be work out for the best.” “And maybe kill a few more spiders. Get an early start on that.”

Charles Deane

Scientists Conclude: Magic Does Exist

fter years of intensive research, scientists have made the phenomenal announcement that magic most likely does exist. The team working in Grenoble, Switzerland, told us “[we’ve] looked at it from every possible angle. We’ve looked at the cosmic microwave background and measured the strengths of the four fundamental forces; we’ve scanned the skies, scoured the atom, and just last week we ran the Universe through a gas chromatograph. The science is hard to explain, but the conclusions are almost inescapable: magic is real”. So how does this affect our lives? “Very little. The problem here is that, while magic exists, unfortunately wizards do not. Nor do witches. Or magical creatures. Ultimately, because nobody and nothing exists capable of actually using magic, its existence is of utterly no consequence whatsoever. It can’t even be used to explain the simplest of things, like magnets. We’re going to have to resell that castle we bought in the Scottish highlands, because frankly we have no use for it any more”. Millions of children everywhere are on record as saying “:(“. Jamie Gallimore

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Science/Technology

Robber in a record store: “Give me all your Cash!” “Which albums?”

Eternal Law is a gripping new lawyer-em-up for ITV in which an aspiring young lawyer and his hard-bitten mentor wander round York, waiting at bus-stops between fighting crime, solving cases and whatever other crap it is that lawyers do. Oh and also they’re angels or something. Now, more cynical viewers may be of the opinion that ITV have simply taken two rather dull and entirely unrelated concepts, melded them together into some hideous Frankenstein monster and chucked it into York in the vain hope people watching will go ‘Y’know, this show’s premise really makes absolutely no sen- ooohhhhh, look at the pretty cathedral!’. But those viewers are wrong! No, Eternal law is in fact a landmark in television history, giving the people those judicial thrills and biblical spills that they’ve always really wanted. We give this show seven gavels and a harp out of ten. An exciting week ahead for TV lovers, seeing the start of a brand new season of Channel 4 dramality The Only Way is Ethics at 7.30 pm this Saturday. Channel 4 have capitalised on the striking formula of season one, bringing us the same realistic ally packaged drama/debate combo but this season all the stops have been pulled out. Season two jumps straight in where season one left off; after a vodka fuelled lad’s night out, the Kant/Mill rift has come to a head with the shattering revelation that J-Stu rejects Kant’s deontological approach on the grounds that it seeks to give primacy to the good over the right and that he’s been sleeping with Kant’s girlfriend. Meanwhile at the Chelsea-Arsenal match, things turn sour for St Augustine after a rival fan argues that “the omniscience of God is incompatible with human free will- yet this being the case how can we argue for his omnibenevolence?”- Before going on to assert that “Arsenal are wank” and Augustine is “shit and he knows it”. In a desperate gambit to salvage the situation, Aristotle suggests that a trip to Magaluf will be good for everyone’s eudaimonia- fresh air, discussions late into the evening and loads of fit birds to pull- but with Peter Singer left behind on the basis of being too hard to cook for, Aristotle’s well intentioned plan seems destined to cause more trouble. Make sure you don’t forget to watch Friday night’s episode of Whale Wars, presented by Craig Charles (7pm). Will underdogs the Minke Monsters finally overcome their rivals, the ill advisedly named “Exsperminators”? Team leader Mike seems to think their newly crafted titanium whale armour will be up to the challenge, but with the addition of whale weaponry expert Dave to the Experminator camp, we expect to see as many as 3 side-whale-mounted harpoon guns, as well as thermite depth charges. Blood, gore, angry animal rights protesters- what more could you want? A shock came upon the exposition that despite ‘new’ episodes of his show continuing to be produced by ITV, Jeremy Kyle has in fact now been dead for over 7 years, after being stabbed repeatedly in the face by a particularly unpleasantly working class guest on his show. The guest snapped after Kyle viciously yelled obscenities at him for 86 minutes. In order to combat this inconvenience, editors at ITV simply intersperse the footage of the deprived, often mentally ill participants with random archived footage of Kyle screaming demeaning and vitriolic abuse. Catch up weekdays on ITVs 1-4, 9am-5pm, with special face-stabbing episode airing this Saturday (10pm). Edmund Wellington, Tim Godfrey

What else are you gonna watch? Don’t make me laugh.

Entertainment

Why not check out Newsrind?

Women aren’t objects. It depends how you structure your sentence

A series of book reviews of fictitious fictional books Dan Brown – The Fiendishly Difficult Puzzle Symbologist Robert Langdon finds himself dragged unwittingly into completing a series of glorified Su Dokus in order to save the world. In the book he visits several of the world’s most spectacular cities and falls in love with his plucky, but vulnerable, French female sidekick in the process. The villain has a conspicuous physical abnormality, and really is a shit, although we don’t discover the true extent of what a shit he is until the utterly predictable yet completely bewildering twist. It seems large at 107 chapters but due to the large font, the book’s ‘unputdownability’ and skipping all of the tedious passages describing the specifications of every object in the book, The Fiendishly Difficult Puzzle took only 43 minutes to read with just 42 and a half of these spent wondering if the book was written by a seven year old.

Bret Easton Ellis – LA Money Rape A series of utterly dislikeable characters portrayed taking vast quantities drugs, having harrowingly depressing sex and murdering each other in unflinching, morally ambiguous, minimalist prose. 85% of the book is unreadable, due to the nauseating levels of graphic sexual violence, and repetitive nature of said prose. One does get lots of admiring glances from hipsters when read it in public, though.

Harold Forkbeard – The Girl Who Gets Killed The latest author from the seemingly never-ending production line of Scandinavian crime writers offers us a woman found raped and murdered, in an almost inconceivably horrific manner, in a snowy Danish town in the middle of Norway. Cue, our hero: a middle aged, ruggedly handsome, prodigiously talented and charismatic detective. An alcoholic divorcee, he plays by nobody’s rules but his own and has seven or eight estranged children. Despite spending seemingly the entire book shagging in a drunken stupor, as always, he eventually gets the job done and catches the killer, a lonely Finnish pervert with mismatched eyes and a suspicious limp.

Bernard Cornwell – The Burning Gun-sword This is 200 pages of the protagonist, a handsome, uncompromising, anti-establishment, vaguely misogynistic but morally righteous Adonis, cutting up or shooting people who aren’t English and shagging peasant girls. Set against a hastily researched historical background, the book is exciting, with abundant, gleefully indulgent descriptions of post-battle rape and laddish war bants as the plot nears its culmination - a big battle eventually won by the English against the non-English because of our hero. One couldn’t help but feel that Bernard Cornwell is making up for always being picked last in PE as a child and losing his virginity at 28. Dave Hughes

Only available on thelemonpress.co.uk

Entertainment

X marks the spot: Alphabet acne strikes again

TLP Tries to Interview: The Bacterium Twist After critically panning latest indie band The Bacterium Twist in a previous issue, The Lemon Press tracked them down to their Anglesey base to discuss their ongoing tour and upcoming third album, Music Koch Would Dance To.

TBT: One final question: how does it feel to have failed so badly as a musician that you’ve had to resort to becoming a music journalist? TLP: I…aww. Bit mean, that. TBT: No less than you deserve. Now get out of our tent. TLP: Okay.

TLP: Hi guys, thanks for taking the time to talk to us. How are you?

Craig Dobson

TBT: No no. Don’t act like you’re our friend. We’re asking the questions today. Put our comments in bold. Yeah, like that. Right. Why did you attack our last two albums? TLP: We just didn’t think they were particularly good, to be honest. We just feel that there’s so much more to come from you. TBT: Really? “This four-piece from Anglesey should find a hole somewhere, crawl into it and die. I say find: if their musical incompetence is anything to go by, I wouldn’t trust them to dig their own hole correctly.” Does that sound like “unrealised potential” to you? TLP: It’s nothing personal; it’s just a way to boost our readership, really. A couple of our staffers actually quite enjoyed your work. We fired them soon afterwards, but the two things weren’t related. TBT: Fine. Moving on, if you think we’re truly that awful, why are you sniffing around after us on our tour? TLP: We’re contractually obligated to follow, dare I say it, more popular bands. You just about fall into that category. Besides, I didn’t want to turn down the opportunity to visit such interesting locales as Aberystwyth SU, Kingston upon Hull and Grimsby. TBT: How would you respond to critics who suggest that your style is clunky, limited and generally abysmal? TLP: I would say that you don’t get critics of critics. Disgruntled adolescent prats who can’t take any criticism for their stilted attempts at making music hardly qualify as critics.

Entertainment

thelemonpress.co.uk, presented without comment

Tragedy Strikes, insists it won’t return to work until pension is guaranteed

Live* from our University bubble, it’s time for news from

CAMPUS

Scandal Over YourShop Carrying The Economist YUSU-run campus shop, YourShop, has recently come under investigation after complaints over their choice of magazine on display. The first complaints over the prominent display of The Economist were received several weeks ago and were followed by an onslaught of complaints from students across years and departments. “This is simply unacceptable from a student union-run shop,” one CU member told The Lemon Press in an interview. “We understand that there are some people who may not hold the same traditional values, but this crosses a line. The fact that these horrific magazines are just sitting out is appalling.” “The central location of The Economist in YourShop always makes me feel a little uncomfortable when I go in for some cheap alcohol,” agreed one first year, who prefers to remain anonymous. “What’s worse is they use it to hide more socially acceptable publications, like the gay porn magazines.” YUSU president Tim Ellis has promised to review this matter immediately to quickly address students’ concerns.

Brian Centaur and Sam Asfawni enjoy Heslington Hall’s magical gardens

Lois Stone

A Statement from the University The University of York has been made aware of an allegation that the university authorities have been snooping on its students. This charge is without merit. We completely respect the privacy of our students and Emma Magnus, a 19 year old History student, shouldn’t make accusations that say we do not respect the privacy of our students without good evidence. Perhaps if she spent more time on her degree instead of pointing fingers at the University she wouldn’t currently be on a low 2:2. We believe the allegations are further undermined by the high rate of Miss Magnus’ protests. She is part of no less than 15 protest groups on Facebook which means she spends almost as much of her time on Facebook protesting as she does looking at photos of her ex and his new girlfriend. Miss Magnus apparently mistook some dark piping in her room for a CCTV camera. Perhaps this mistake was something to do with the anti-depressant medication she has been taking since 2006? We can only speculate. In an unrelated announcement, the following students should vacate their rooms tomorrow for important plumbing works: Magnus, Emma. That is all. David Spriggs

Campus

Did you know? You can even read

Market Square to be renamed after cartographers discover it exists in three dimensions

Brian Cantor Refuses to Release Slaves University Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor has refused multiple pleas from visiting prophets to “let their people go”, causing disastrous results for campus. Thursday Week 4 saw the Chemistry department set alight by divine wrath, causing multi-million pound damage to the undergraduate labs. Later on Monday Week 5 flooding occurred in the Biology department. University Officials dismissed rumours that they would release their sizable slave force, even after the following hail storm on the Thursday of that week, insisting that work on the Vice Chancellor Cantor’s pyramid would continue on Hes East. The lake turned to blood in week 7, a change which has yet to be noticed by more than a handful of students. This is not the first time biblical plagues have struck the University, not long after the institute first opened it suffered a plague of ducks, a disaster which we are still seeing the results of nearly five decades later. Pasky Miran

YORK MISANTHROPY SOCIETY BOASTS RECORD NUMBER OF MEMBERS Since its foundation last term, Misanthropy Society (MisanSoc) has struggled to come to terms with the sheer volume of its members. Despite deliberately setting up their stand in a remote location, MisanSoc attracted a record number of students at the Freshers’ Fair. Since then, membership numbers have continued to climb, causing panic, confusion, and existential angst amongst the signatories. Over three-hundred people visited the stand, causing undesirable proximity between the members. “I didn’t want to have to look anyone in the eye,” one member told us (we think; he was mumbling). “But soon enough there were five other people standing quite close to me, taking my oxygen.” Four months on, the future of the society is in jeopardy. The chair, Ivor Black - Hart, says he is considering disbanding MisanSoc altogether. He told us: “I’m starting to think I’ve created a monster. Someone suggested a social yesterday. A social. Are they insane? They should be drinking copious amounts of whiskey on their own in a wood-paneled study. Yet they want to gather. It’s a massive paradox, a black hole that threatens to consume the entire population. Probably for the best.”

Cantor exclusively dresses in artefacts pilferred from Egypt in the 1920s

thelemonpress.co.uk off-campus! It’s true!

With a sinister smile, Black-Hart added: “FetSoc looks much more interesting anyway.” Olivia Waring

Campus

Elections race hotting up - now at approximately 29.2 degrees celcius.

The Incumbent – If he’s done it once, he can do it again. In the past, The Incumbent has successfully retained his position. Everyone loves a safe choice; what’s safer than appointing a man who already occupies the post? “If I get a second term, not only will I introduce a raft of new measures; I’ll also fix everything that didn’t go well in my first term. I promise!” pleaded The Incumbent in an exclusive exchange with The Lemon Press beside the vending machine. The College Chair – The role of College Chair is almost equivalent to that of any lower-key member of the Cabinet – if the Secretary of State for Pensions or Health had to spend all of their time organising bus services and party events inside and outside of Parliament. This particular College Chair has a wealth of experience within the collegiate microcosm, and admitted that he hoped that his previous successes “would ensure at least one-eighth of campus support”. The Stylish Man – A YUSU President has to look as well as act the part; the University will be hoping to avoid the embarrassment of having another pirate as its student union’s president. To that end, The Stylish Man – dressed in chinos, a pinstripe shirt, a sporting jacket and a Scooby Doo novelty tie – should tick all of the boxes for those concerned about the University’s image. When pushed for a quote, The Stylish Man replied: “Do you think the flat cap is a bit much?” The Anthropomorphic CV – Students are quick to judge those who do activities just for the credit, but how can people overlook a curriculum vitae that boasts work experience with four national newspapers, a gap year spent volunteering in Africa, South America and Antarctica, The York Award and a number of other no doubt important accolades? All that’s missing is a title like, perhaps, union President. “I’d hate to have to lie when applying for real jobs, so I’d literally have to be a good president,” insisted The Anthropomorphic CV. Me – That’s right, I’m running for YUSU President. All you need to know about me is that I am excellent in every way imaginable. In my time at York, I’ve been nothing if not enthusiastic, vitriolic and, most importantly, punctual. “I think I’d make a fantastic president, and, as former Editor of your magazine, I hope I have the support of your entire readership,” said Me just now.

Campus

Unsure of who to vote for?

I bet you were expecting us to make a “YUSU Erection” joke, weren’t you? Well we didn’t. We’re far too mature for that.

The Worshipped Hero – Having solved every single sporting problem known to man, The Worshipped Hero has become something of a worshipped hero in his first term as YorkSport President, having abolished membership fees, grown the second-best beard on campus, and captained every University side – regardless of gender – to crushing victories over every other university in existence. “Thanks for your continued support, guys,” gushed The Worshipped Hero from his open-top bus during his very well-received campaign parade. The Multi-Sport College Captain – Having a base of knowledge about one or two popular sports is not enough to obtain the role of YorkSport President. Fortunately, The Multi-Sport College Captain has all of the bases covered, with his range of expertise stretching from Ultimate Frisbee to Fluggerball, a sport The Multi-Sport College Captain invented. “If I’m appointed, I will make sure that the University remains the world’s most formidable Fluggerball side,” he promised. The Guy Who Barely Understands Sport As A Concept – Just as the FA have proven this week, it doesn’t take a history of sporting experience to effectively deal with sporting matters in a business-like manner. Looking to deal with University sport in a similar way is The Guy Who Barely Understands Sport As A Concept. “I don’t just dislike sport. I hate sport. It bores me. However, at least I’m not biased. If that doesn’t get me any votes, fair enough.”

The Man Who Was In That Position Last Year – Students will always engage in some sort of activities whilst at university; to that end, a Student Activities Officer is a necessity. The Man Who Was In That Position Last Year is already enjoying the fruits of his labour, with the prohibition of postering and the introduction of media bins meeting with unanimous and widespread praise. “If I’m re-elected, I promise to keep on pleasing everyone, particularly the media societies.” That Guy With More Friends Than You – That Guy has had more activity with students than you will get in a lifetime. He’s everywhere; in the Willow, on the Astroturf, at the Drama Barn, in Physics, downstairs in Ziggy’s, back in the Willow. He has friends in high places, counting every sabb ever and all of the sports teams in his entourage. That Guy With More Friends Than You was quick to play down his chances. “Come on, it’s not a shallow popularity contest. Wait, it is? Fantastic! Shots are on me tonight.”

The Candidate Everyone Loves To Love – Everyone loves The Candidate Everyone Loves To Love, as he makes people feel warm and toasty inside. Nobody has a bad word to say about him. He repels bad words like the negative end of a magnet. “I love everyone, and I’m humbled that everyone is so fond of me. I’m here for everyone. Hug me.” That Guy/Girl Dressed As A Cow – Some have dismissed That Guy/Girl Dressed As A Cow out of hand, simply because he/ she has chosen to don a costume in his/her attempt to win over the electorate. “My udders are filled with knowledge, I have four stomachs to digest your problems, and, despite my outward appearance, my record is anything but patchy. I even edited a satire magazine once.” Me Again – I’m also That Guy/Girl Dressed As A Cow. “Please elect me in some sort of position. I’d probably be quite good at stuff,” pleaded Me Again to Lemon Press readers. Craig Dobson is our former editor. As such, he was not organised enough to get round to standing for anything. Better luck next time, Craig.

THELEMONPRESS.CO.UK 4 YUSU PREZ

Campus

Man has one working eye. Other one claims benefits

The Paintful Truth York University officials have been forced to issue an apology after a recent study revealed that up to 68% of the campus “simply isn’t beige enough.” The nine week survey of university grounds- conducted by History of Art students as part of their final year- was commissioned after faculty staff received numerous complaints of “overly vibrant concrete” and “intensely prismatic lake-water”-found by many students to be “too vibrant to work near”. However whilst the above claims were categorically disproven by the survey- due no doubt to the university’s rigorous commitment to maintaining “an excellent level of greyness”- the report has shockingly revealed that overall campus beigeness measured a mere 7.4 Gigablands on the Quorn scale- making it one of the least beige universities in the UK and prompting widespread outrage. Disgruntled student Hugh Tingely expressed his dismay at the findings, telling us how he’d been “forced to purchase over a dozen packs of Richmond sausages to compensate”. Yet most shocking is the fact that that these findings come mere weeks after the multi-million pound refurbishment of central hall, a last ditch attempt to secure the much coveted “Most Bland University of the Year 2012” -a trophy which now seems destined to go to arch rival Lancaster University. Speaking in defence of the refurbishment, Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor told us that “there are over seventeen layers of paint, hand painted and spanning over nine different shades of beige- including greige, suede, and cream- expensive perhaps, but all things considered, well worth it. Now where did I park my yacht?” Tim Godfrey

Campus

Artist’s impression of an ideal university

Occasionally updated

Bird, plane sue Superman for breach of copyright

University Rushes to Meet to Scaffolding Quota Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor has declared the university in a state of emergency following the removal of scaffolding from the university’s library. The university was already struggling to maintain scaffolding levels after the work was finished on Central Hall, but the removal of the metal structure surrounding the library was a real blow. “Not only do our students, both current and prospective, expect large of scaffolding around campus to disrupt opening hours for campus buildings, our government funding is directly linked to the amount of scaffolding we have,” Cantor announced in a recent press release. Cantor also announced the creation of a Committee on Scaffolding Levels, which will work to find a speedy remedy to this blemish on the university’s record. The committee will also monitor the amount of scaffolding on campus to prevent this problem in the future. The Committee, which is made up of a mix of student and faculty members, has already announced proposals to cover the Chemistry building in scaffolding. “The recent fire has really been in godsend in that it presents us an easy solution as to where to put up more scaffolding,” said Committee head Professor Paul Busch. Lois Stone

Online grocery shopping claims another victim A first year history student has become the seventh York student to be discovered dead this term as a direct result of attempting to use the Tesco online service. Grief-stricken flatmates described the student’s initial excitement at the apparent simplicity of the process, as well as the tempting “£10 off when spending over £50” offer. Such excitement turned rapidly to terrifying confusion and eventually paralytic despair when the hapless 18 year old was confronted early on by having to choose between 277 types of penne pasta. Four hours later, finally content with his choice, he was heard weeping hysterically and clawing at his own face after discovering that Tesco offered 917 near-identical varieties of Camembert cheese. Flatmates began to worry when he was heard deliriously reciting the supermarket’s entire range of special offers to himself the following day, and eventually rang for help two days later after the student was heard howling in dismay at his inability to breach the £50 barrier and activate his £10 off voucher. His body was discovered that evening, with the coroner stating the cause of death as fear, panic, a sense of humiliation and defeat, along with exhaustion and malnutrition. At his time of death, the student had been compiling his shopping list non-stop for 89 hours but only managed to order 17 items, which came to a paltry £21.04. Dave Hughes

thelemonpress.co.uk

Campus

Sword sales down as David Levene takes holiday

Dear Dad, needed. Another round of bailouts is desperately

consequences will be grave last bail-out has been spent and lost. The We need to face facts. The money from the re-capitalise me with an to ly diate imme my dad, you must move if action is not taken soon. That is why you, ds. injection of not less than four hundred poun a stake in me – my many dence, not for me, but for those who have You need to move quickly to install confi . course friends, society friends and girlfriends ... or at all. And that night mistakes. I could have saved more wisely Looking back it’s clear that I have made down as a misallocation of go must s for an entire football squad in Leeds where I got drunk and bought drink e commitments – there’s ditur expen ng pressi have I and on is over resources. However, the time for recriminati eye on. a new Jack Wills trouser thingy I’ve got my to fail. and tuition fees. I’ve simply become too big I’ve so far spent £12000 on accommodation employee whose children lity to spend – think of the poor game store And there’s a knock on effect of my inabi se I couldn’t afford becau Skyrim or the girl who will go unloved will go hungry because I couldn’t afford enough booze to make her look palatable. planning about ennui just as soon as the experimental film I’m And I will be able to pay the investment back, a bonus. it call I have money for a boom mike? Let’s gets made and gets a distributor. Also, can Your son, Tarkers

Heston Blumenthal’s De-Aging Cuisine… …with Gary Rhodes

Welcome to Heston Blumenthal’s guide to de-aging cuisine, presented by the one and only Gary Rhodes! Here are a couple of recipes from my new cookbook, How to Cook like Heston by Gary Rhodes. Starter – Invisible cheese on translucent crackers, with duck beak soup First, take the cheese. Any cheese will do but, as with everything, the more expensive, the better. Next, set up a makeshift stove inside an air vent - I would personally recommend going back to basics, using only Peruvian woodchips and fire. Take your overpriced cheese and roast over the meagre flame. While your cheese smoulders, cut two dozen sheets of tracing paper into neat squares, lightly baste with grease, and bake at 200°C for 30 minutes. Serve plain on a model boat. With the aroma of succulent cheese wafting through your vents, your guests will all be convinced that they are eating invisible cheese! Finish off with dry ice. For the duck beak soup, rip the beaks off some live ducks and stew for one hour in a pan full of onion water. Apply a touch of dry ice and it’s ready to serve. Main – Laser-tasered chocolate chicken soufflé Marinade your whole chicken for 36 hours in melted chocolate (minimum 99.3% cocoa solids) and roast at 150°C for an hour. Once completed, take your delicious chicken to your nearest laboratory. Get a molecular gastronomist to zap your whole chocolate chicken with an industrial laser and watch it transform into a light, fluffy, boneless chocolate chicken soufflé. Just before plating up, add a slice of dry ice to create a temperature contrast and a little bit of atmosphere. How does all of this help you not only remain healthy, but also turn back the clock on your life? I’m not entirely sure you’re better off asking Heston himself. Thanks for reading Heston Blumenthal’s Guide to De-Aging Cuisine. Bon apetit! Heston Gary Rhodes

Features

50% of things are above average

Satire research: Repetition of same joke enhances humour. That’s just what I heard

The comprehensive Lemon Press guide to campus wildlife Mikhail, Tchaikovsky, and Ian – AKA ‘the cute horses in the field by New Vanbrugh.’ All three are pure breeds imported from Belgium in the early 1950s, meaning that they pre-date the university by around a decade. Mikhail is a direct descendant of ‘Kevin the Mad,’ the legendary horse ridden by Henry V at Agincourt. The three horses co-exist in joyous peace, spending most of their days discoursing upon postmodern art while enjoying their healthy diet of grass, lasagne, and freshly baked bread rolls. Vincent ‘Dangerous Vince’ Watson - AKA ‘despondent looking (long faced) horse tethered cruelly to a stake in a small field by University Road.’ The sympathy that Vincent elicits from students is un-earned and misplaced. Until the late 1980s, he dwelt in harmony with Mikhail, Tchaikovsky and Ian, before going on a spate of armed burglaries in the Fulford area. He was subsequently exiled, although the crimes were initially wrongly attributed to former friend Tchaikovsky. Left to his own devices, Vincent has developed incendiary views on race and class. He has also become fluent Turkish and Old Norse. Charles ‘Anarchist Swan’ O’Doole – Like all campus swans he is legally owned by the Queen but, due to his deep seated anarchic views, Charles refuses to recognise her sovereign authority. In 1985 he released an acoustic punk-poetry protest album with Joe Strummer, and whilst still engaging company, it is clear that he wistfully harks back to such glory years. Can usually be found grumbling about how “all campus bars look the same these days” whilst sipping scotch from a small hip flask, his grubby feathers adorned with tatty Sex Pistols badges and rusty safety pins. Steven Williams, ‘The Hes East Black Bear’ - Despite the fearsome appearance inherent in his kind, Steven proves remarkably easygoing company and has become beloved to the students of the Hes East campus. Following his emigration from Virginia last spring, Steven enjoys splashing around the abundant water features of the new campus, fruitlessly pursuing salmon, and reading the novels of William Burroughs aloud to students in his trademark gravelly baritone. Steven has been forced to give up alcohol after an unfortunate mishap in Fresher’s Week. Intoxicated on Gordon’s Gin, Steven bludgeoned a first year student to death with his terrifying huge bear claws. He expressed genuine remorse at the incident and has received an official pardon from both the girl’s family and Brian Cantor. Gianluca Bonaparte, ‘The Langwith Death Cobra’ - Not often seen, due to a tendency to mind his own business and devote his time to the evil plotting for which serpents are renowned. He is known for his lethal venom and violent mood swings, which cost the snake his part time job at Courtyard. Gianluca can nonetheless prove entertaining company with an excellent cache of one-liners and a penchant for risqué, but spot on political satire. Sold E to York students throughout the 1990s but has reformed since the birth of his young serpent daughter Anne-Marie. Gianluca can recite the scripts of the entire Twilight trilogy word for word.

thelemonpress.co.uk is probably in there somewhere

Features

Fragsoc member finds love in the last place he expected: Real life

Lonely Hearts We help you to find “love”, as the kids are calling it MSW N/S N/D BDSM LBW BRB MVP LOLJK REM NFL AC/DC IBID ETC Man seeking anything good at Costcutter for which the cost has actually been cut. Man named Tim is looking for support in his run for YUSU president against 5 other men and women also named Tim. Rising second-year wants to find new housemates for next year. Maybe some nice people who won’t cover all of my possessions in tin foil.

Man desperately seeking the only woman who has ever treated him right. Old Rosie, which pubs serve you?

Everyone who was involved in YSTV’s terrible Checkmate pseudo-film seeking to dissociate themselves with the project.

Lemon Press chair Charles Deane seeks a lovely, caring, beautiful young woman with a beard as impressive as his.

Non-English speaker wants to know how to pronounce words ‘annihilate,’ ‘ignominiously.’ ‘Worcester,’ and ‘segue.’

Man seeking boobies. Boobies on a woman. A woman who will let him touch her boobies. Boobies.

Young attractive woman seeking the approval of strangers on the internet to boost her self-esteem. Included are photos of bum, breasts, and face covered in make-up. [Photos removed by YUSU censorship]

York St John student looking for good retort to all of the negative comments coming from York Uni students. Can think of nothing because all YSJ students are dumb lol.

Hot single in your area wants to talk to you. Click here. Never mind that this is a printed newspaper.

Vision seeking to do funny Lonely Hearts column. Fuck you, Vision.

You: tall, fit, brunette male who describes himself as ‘rugby lad’ and ‘ladies’ man.’ Me: slender, blonde, brown-eyed male. You’re not fooling anyone. Call me back.

Dear Uncle Gaz... Dear Uncle Gaz, There’s a guy in my economy lecture who’s really fit. I think he’s interested, but can you give me a (preferably economy-related) pick-up line that could seal the deal? Uh… This isn’t really my department. I don’t know why I took this post in the first place, I know nothing about relationships. Or economics. How about… “I’m not wearing underwear. Gross Domestic Product.” There, that should do it. Dear Uncle Gaz, People don’t seem to like me very much. Neither do I. Get off my lawn, before I call the police. Dear Uncle Gaz, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, recently; is it ever morally acceptable to lie?

Lifestyle

Uh, yes. No. I don’t care. Go away. Dear Uncle Gaz, After a wonderful 3 years, my dog has finally left me. I think he’s seeing somebody else. What can I do? I think the natural thing to do is to hire a private investigator to spy on his suspected new owner. If he is indeed with somebody else, you should probably murder both of them; this seems the only reasonable course of action. I suggest creating a knife out of ice: once it melts, there will be no murder weapon to connect the evidence to you, and provided there are no witnesses you should have no problems at all. Alternatively, and this seems a little irrational but just go with me here, get a new dog.

Once again, lazy editors leave design editor

What’s the difference between a whale and a mosquito? Species.

SECRETS REVEALED! SECRETS REVEALED!

WHY MEN DON’T WANT YOU!

THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS FEARED DEEP DOWN - REVEALED! 1. YOU ARE A SLUT 2. YOU ARE FAT 3. YOU ARE STRONG AND INDEPENDENT 4. YOU ARE FUNNY 5. YOU ARE NICE 6. YOU HAVE HIGH STANDARDS OF HYGIENE 7. YOU ARE A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING 8. YOU HAVE SKIN THAT KEEPS PEELING OFF 9. YOU DID LATIN GCSE 10. YOU CANNOT STOP FARTING 11. YOU ARE NOT A SLUT 12. YOU ATE A SAUSAGE YESTERDAY 13. YOU ARE NOT FAT ENOUGH 14. YOU ARE TOO CONFIDENT 15. YOU FELL ASLEEP DURING IRON MAN 2 16. YOU ARE FEMALE 17. YOU ARE A MUTANT 18. YOU ARE INSECURE 19. YOU ARE YOU 20. YOU DO NOT HAVE A FAVOURITE POKEMON 21. YOU VOTED LIB DEM 22. YOU WENT TO SOUTHAMPTON ONCE 23. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY 24. YOU DO NOT WATCH DOWNTON ABBEY 25. YOU SMILE OCCASIONALLY 26. YOU HAVE CELLULITE 27. YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE BEYONCÉ (SHE’S HAD A BABY YOU KNOW) 28. YOU DO LOOK LIKE YOU 29. YOU DANCE LIKE YOUR DAD 30. YOU WEE SOMETIMES 31. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SKYRIM IS 32. YOU ARE NORMAL 33. YOU HAVE SLIGHTLY OILY SKIN 34. YOU DO NOT LIKE THE TERM ‘BABE’ 35. YOU HAVE THE BODY HAIR OF A WOOLLY MAMMOTH 36. YOU ONCE FELL OVER A SMALL DOG 37. YOU WEAR M&S UNDERWEAR 38. YOU HAVE THIGHS THAT MEET IN THE MIDDLE 39. YOU HAVE REALLY NARROW TOES 40. YOU PERSPIRE 41. YOUR FIRST NAME BEGINS WITH A, L, M, N, S OR T 42. YOU ARE NOT A MONARCHIST 43. YOU BEGIN EVERY SENTENCE WITH THE WORD ‘BABIES’ 44. YOU SNORE 45. 46.

YOU DO NOT FIND WILL FERRELL HILARIOUS YOU MET GARY OLDMAN IN LEGOLAND

52. 53.

YOU ARE A FAN OF BIRDWATCHING YOU WERE BORN, ONCE

47. 48. 49. 50. 51.

YOU NEVER LEAVE THE LID UP YOU ARE COMPLICATED YOU ARE MYSTERIOUS YOU ARE TOO SHY YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLIRT

FOR LITERALLY THOUSANDS MORE, GO TO WhyMenDontWantYou.com OR GO AND PUT YOUR HEAD IN A BLENDER

to do footers. thelemonpress.co.uk is his revenge

Family Dinner Ruined by Coming-Out Great-Aunt Mildred’s 86th birthday last week was completely spoiled by her great-niece Leslie’s coming out. “It came as a complete shock to all of us,” she told The Lemon Press. Thirty-two people were in attendance that afternoon and overheard Leslie’s casual statement about her new significant other. “I mean, we were all so convinced about her! Did not expect it at all,” said Uncle Bill. “You should have seen the look on my wife’s face. Heh heh. Jaw on the ground, it was.” His wife Carol had this to say: “It all made sense to us. She played rugby, attended an all-girls school for college, went to uni for women’s studies, wore a lot of plaid, and never ever mentioned boys. How were we to know she wasn’t actually a lesbian!” To her credit, Leslie was perplexed as to why, when she brought up the subject of new boyfriend Collin, her family reacted by dropping their forks and gaping with mouthfuls of cake. “The rest of the party was really awkward,” she said. “My grandma even asked—somewhat hopefully—if Collin identifies as trans. I just don’t get it.”

Dating Advice (from the under 10s) Are you struggling to get a date? Find that the object of your affections is repulsed by your cardigan and pipe smoke? Is your younger sibling a P.I.M.P while you’re more L.I.M.P? Well fear not! We have taken the best dating advice on the school playground and are sharing it with you, yes, you! 1. If he won’t share his Action Man then go play Barbies with someone else. Veterinarian Barbie is too good for him anyway but I suppose he could have Hairdresser Midge (Sophie, aged 7) 2. Girls smell. (Harry, aged 6) 3. Boys smell. (Olivia, aged 6 ½ ) 4. I like giraffes. (Bradley, aged 8) 5. Don’t trust women for an instant. They will take you for everything you’ve got and leave you with nothing but the bottle. (Mr Douglas, lunchtime supervisor, aged 46 ¾) Rosa Wright

Lifestyle

Man considers shoplifting in a wig store. “Toupée or not toupée?”

Jaffa Cake In the beginning you were just a blob, A sponge, a raft, a perplexing cirque, Elliptical and austere, On an acquaintance’s saucer. I eyed you, My menacing friend, Coated in your meagre chocolate blanket; What dainty magma lay within? I wondered, What toothsome grimpen did you cloak? IF..... (Thanks to Rudyard Kipling)

You were the charlatan of biscuits, The impostor, the harlot of the tupperware, An unfathomable lurker With a quaggy, vermilion soul. You eluded all: Biscuit or cake?

IF you can keep your old prejudices when all about you Are losing theirs and throwing glitter at you, If you can trust yourself when all (sane) men doubt you, And finally Unable to make allowance for their doubting too; You bluffed your way into my cupboard, If you anticipate extremism and become extreme by anticipating Sleazed your way past the stale rich teas. Or lying, when you ‘don't deal in lies’, Co-op brand, yes; Or being hated, because you insist on hating, Ever the enigma. And you do little good and don’t talk too wise: I kept you high up If you can dream of Good Old America – and make those dreams your master; Behind the noodles If you can’t think – or even make thoughts your aim; Out of sight of If you can’t admit two men in love aren’t a Disaster Opportunivores. And refuse to those two men rights, just the same; If you can bear to hear the words you're shedding How many Regurgitated by zealots who emulate your scorn Can one ingest Or attack the rights of women under a ‘pro-life’ heading, At any ohmmpp hmmmppphhh And then revoke the life’s rights when a fetus is born: mgggpphhhhhhh? If you can’t make the distinction between crime and sinning And Islamist Atheists make you cross And when people think you’re crazy from the beginning Olivia Waring They breathe a sigh of relief at your loss; If your arguments are rarely held together by more than a sinew And you cling to times long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and preach at them about virtue, Or be wealthy and claim you haven’t lost the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends understand you, If you link politics to paternalism more than a little too much; If you can fill the (probably liberal) minute With sixty seconds' worth of a vitriolic run, Yours is the Earth and all you hate that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be an unhealthily right-wing Republican, my son! Sairah Rehman

Arts

Contrary to popular belief, thelemonpress.co.uk

Health and safety warning for Skydivers: Freeview and Virgin Media diving deemed less risky.

Condescension is….

The Train Home

Fuck you, I’ve got the flu And I’m a political activist too. I’m morally a Marxist, but hey, whatever I’ll apply for a graduate scheme for Unilever I’ll buy ridiculous clothing to feed capitalism And stay true to what I call my own neologism And to look clever, (and what the heck) I’ll quote some Nietzsche and Zizek I like music that you’ve never heard Irony and indecision and Theatre of the Absurd Fuck you, I’ve got the flu, the world is underhand I’d try to explain, but you wouldn’t understand. Sairah Rehman

The tragic fizz of opening stellas, The sea of Sunday Mirror bestsellers, The giggling loner, probably insane, The tramp, who’s shit himself. Again. The woman discussing her doomed marriage Loudly (even though it’s the silent carriage). Oh Good! Uniformed, and looking resplendent Shuffles in the ticket attendant. Gazing listlessly across the mob, A haunted man who hates his job. He looks at you like you’re a freak, Makes it clear this train is not off peak. You silently weep as he proceeds To calmly kick you off at Leeds. Dave Hughes

A Postcard From the Isle of Fernando’s My light’s been on for a hundred shows, Persistence: that’s the key! Now crab-free, I’m irresistible, So one day they’ll pick me! Mine was the only light left last week, (He was a Broadmoor escapee). He fell off a tall building on the way to our date, But it still counts: he picked me! One of the girls said I was fat, They found her head hanging from a tree! They never found the man who picked her,* He probably should have picked me. I don’t think the show will last much longer, I think interest will diminish. So far they’ve only found an ear, ** Goodbye Paddy fucking McGuinness. * He’s under the garage. ** The rest of him’s under the garage, too. Dave Hughes

did not start the Chemistry fire for website hits.

Arts

Static text 92% less interesting than scrolling.

ENGLAND RETIRES! FROM BASICALLY EVERYTHING!

ollowing poor performances in recent years, England has today announced its intention to retire from international sport. “There reaches a point in every nation’s career that it has to take a step back and ask itself if it can continue competing at the level it’s happy with,” England tearfully told the assembled media at a press conference. “This is not a decision I come to lightly, but I feel it is in the best interests of my health and my family that I bring an end to my involvement with sport on a competitive level.” England’s international sporting career has had many highlights including

winning the FIFA World Cup in 1966 and occasionally doing sort of alright at golf, but recent hardships have taken the strain on the nation. “I can’t remember the last time we won a game Football,” England claimed, perhaps a sign of the early onset of dementia. Across the world, many nations have responded with fond memories of their experiences playing against England. “The games were always emotional, there’s no doubt about that,” France said on its Twitter account last night. “But they always fought hard and they will be sorely missed on the International Sporting scene.” Australia, whom England beat in

the 2003 Rugby World Cup and competed against regularly for the Ashes, were also kind to their old rivals. “We’ll still have the local derbies against New Zealand and South Africa, but nothing compared to a game against the Poms.” England’s winning bid for the 2012 Olympics was rumoured to have been heavily influenced by a suspicion of the nation’s impending retirement and the IOC has confirmed that England plans to fulfil its International Sporting commitments until the end of the games. “Hopefully it will be a fitting swansong for a great sporting career.” Charles Deane

Redknapp “flattened” by England job speculation

ottenham Hotspur boss and favoured England candidate Harry Redknapp has today admitted that he is “very flattened” by speculation linking him to the Three Lions post. When a journalist from The Lemon Press tried to correct him, the Cockney wheeler-dealer insisted: “Nah mate, not flattered – flattened. My driveway is teeming with reporters, pundits, England supporters, lower-key members of the FA…Everyone’s so bloody keen to have a word that nobody noticed me under their bloody feet!” Also swept up in the media and public furore is Harry’s pundit son Jamie, who has been reported as missing since Capello resigned. If anyone knows of his whereabouts, please do not hesitate to contact The Lemon Press, as we really badly want to have a word with him about his dad. Craig Dobson

Sports

wooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hes East latest: Still “bloody miles away”

EXCLUSIVE: Pakistan admit to using joke unbattable cricket balls in England test series

ust days after the emphatic Test series whitewash in Abu Dhabi, prominent members of the Pakistan cricket team owned up to an incredible charge of ball tampering of the very highest order. Captain Misbah-ul-Haq admitted that he switched the standard regulation cricket balls with joke unbattable ones whilst umpires Bruce Oxenford and Simon Daufel were taking their customary mid-morning naps. UI-Haq said: “Against the best test side in the world, without using “crazy balls” we could not possibly repay the faith that the bookmakers had placed in us.” Also implicated in the latest scandal are spinners Saeed Ajmal and Abdur Rehman, who were purportedly aware of the switch from the offset. “Part of me wanted to think that the spin was due to my technique, but deep down, I knew it was because the balls were made of wacky rubber rather than cork and leather.” England captain Andrew Strauss could not hide his relief at the announcement, smiling as he told the press: “We’re normally so good when playing against spin. The best side in Test cricket, all out for 72? Not likely.” Strauss went on to suggest banning Pakistan from playing Test cricket indefinitely. “Maybe ban the Indians pre-emptively too. And the Sri Lankans, if they start to look dangerous. It’s for the good of our the game.” Craig Dobson

Glaswegian managers taking over Premiership

unique study has been launched to probe the astonishing quantity of Premiership managers heralding from Glasgow, after somebody with far too much time decided to count them. And realised that there are SEVEN. Popular to Premiership chairmen due to their low wage demands, inherent drunkenness and gruffly reassuring, almost unintelligible responses in interviews, their numbers are set to soar over the next few years, with scientists predicting that the Premiership will have at least twenty Glaswegian managers by the 2015/16 season. Even José Mourinho recently stated that in 2010, desperate to return to the Premiership, he applied for the vacant Blackburn Rovers job, demanding as wages only a room in a small Blackburn terraced house and enough food to fulfil a basic subsistence diet. Instead, Blackburn hired Glaswegian drunk driver Steve Kean, who openly admits that he had never watched a football match before his ap-

pointment. So keen are Blackburn to keep a Glaswegian boss that they have opted not to sack Kean, despite his tragic incompetence rendering him massively unpopular with the club’s fans. Whilst lifesaving for figures like Kean, and fellow bad manager Owen Coyle, for some managers their Glaswegianism is a curse. A Manchester United insider has revealed that Alex Ferguson was happily set to retire as planned during the 2001/2 season, before he was ambushed by a club official during one of his customary brandy hazes, and forced into an unbreakable lifelong contract, which has been described by experts as “legally exploitative”. In the decade of drunkenness that he has since endured, Ferguson has spent his rare moments of clarity unsuccessfully devoting himself to either trying to be sacked, or ruining the football club. Such moments are easily traced through the big money moves for figures such as Eric Djemba-Djemba, Bebe and Gabriel Obertan, as well as his recent success in failing to progress in the Champions League by deliberately losing to Basel. Unfortunately, not all clubs have

SPORTS. I mean, thelemonpress.co.uk

managed to secure an Alex McCleish or Paul Lambert-esque figure. A senior member of the Chelsea board has admitted that they only hired Andre Villas Boas after being rejected not only by ex-Derby County manager Billy Davies, but also fellow Glaswegian Ally McCoist. If the almost-goodlooking ex Porto manager continues to be a bit underwhelming, there are rumours of hunky “300” actor Gerard Butler being approached at the end of the season. Indeed, the end of the 2011/12 season could see teams going to increasingly drastic measures to ensure Glaswegian managers. If Arsenal fail to qualify for the Champions League, a club insider has revealed that plans are already being discussed to replace Arsene Wenger with indie band Glasvegas. Similarly, if Manchester City fail to win the league, or even if they do, it seems likely that Roberto Mancini will be replaced by a Glasgow native at the end of the year, with gruff dragon Duncan Bannatyne or insufferable wanker George Galloway the most likely candidates. Dave Hughes

Sports

Lemons: “We’re not bitter, just a little jaded with society.”

Khan continues to protest – Boxing world rolls eyes collectively Despite having finally annoyed Lamont Peterson in agreeing to a rematch, Amir Khan has continued to dispute the American’s controversial victory last December. After initially complaining about refereeing bias and the presence of a “mystery man” ringside, months of obsession mean his allegations are becoming increasingly outlandish. Last week Khan demanded that the fight’s three judges should undergo Jeremy Kyle style DNA tests, as Khan believed all of them to be Peterson’s father. This followed twitter accusations that his vanquisher deliberately gained an unfair advantage by having a name that distracted Khan – “Lamont Peterson: anagram of ‘loon sperm on teat.’ Coincidence? Think not. #everyoneknowsilovecountdown.” Close friends of the Bolton-based boxer have revealed that Khan cuts an increasingly deluded, sad figure, shuffling around muttering animatedly to himself in a scruffy tweed suit, reminding many of Russell Crowe’s character in A Beautiful Mind.

Superbowl Victory a “Triumph for Fantasy Races”

he NFL Superbowl XLVI has been lauded by equal rights activists as another step forward in the acceptance of fantasy races in mainstream sport. The New York Giants stole victory from the New England Patriots in the 46th annual American Football final, unsurprising considering the colossal height difference between the human Patriots and the Giants. “This is fantastic news to every downtrodden fey and forestfolk, finally a non-human team has won them at their own sport.” Gustav Copperbottom, a dwarven activist, told The Lemon Press. We managed to interview one of the team, Eli Mancrusher, who told us “Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an englishman!” before eating the head of our interviewer and tossing the corpse back down the beanstalk. Pasky Miranda

“This belt was weighing me down. The sun was in my eyes”. In a bizarre continuation of the Russell Crowe theme, Khan’s latest accusation is that Peterson visited him in his changing room pre-fight and, like Joaquin Phoenix’s character in the 2000 smash hit Gladiator, described the two fighters as “brothers,” before stabbing him in the back with a knife under the pretence of a tender brotherly embrace. Khan, who apparently like Crowe in Gladiator was chained to the ceiling in a bizarre warm-up ritual, has failed to adequately explain why all trace of the attack had apparently vanished from his oiled, topless body by the time that the fight commenced 4 minutes later. Craig Dobson

Controversial regulation ensures drugs in cycling “mandatory”

fter Alberto Contador became the latest of a string of big name cyclists banned for drug use, the UCI has finally taken the plunge and legalised all drugs in cycling. UCI president Pat Mcquaide stated that he passed the controversial ruling because cycling drug-free, especially up hills, “hurts your legs a lot,” as well as expressing his desire that riders truly embrace the regulation, and take a drastic enough cocktail of performance enhancing drugs to become “volatile, unsettling to look at, bionic supermen.” Following the ruling, teams are frantically rushing to appoint specialist Drug Coaches; Keith Richards is rumoured to already be in negotiations with Team Sky. Indeed, not only will performance enhancing drugs be tolerated, at specialised events the consumption of recreational drugs will become mandatory for entertainment purposes. Cycling fans will therefore have the intriguing opportunity to watch a paranoid, excitable Bradley Wiggins twitching erratically on his bike after being force-fed a gram of cocaine, and observe Mark Cavendish attempting to win sprints whilst anxiously clawing at his own face after a compulsory pre-race crystal meth binge. Dave Hughes

Sports

thelemonpress.co.uk. One-paged footers are hard.

Canvassing election candidates fail to impress with BNOC-knock jokes.

Crassword Skapital

Satire now comes in the most cryptic, crosswordy form of all: a cryptic crossword. This issue’s all about politics! The first person to submit the correct answer will win our love and respect! - editor@thelemonpress.co.uk

Across 1. Hungry like the German ex-president (5) 4. Put your finders in the sides of your mouth, pull and say “My Dad’s a banker”. This review, while accurate, won’t affect his bonus (6) 6. Tubby felines are big business (3, 4) 9. It’s always a black sabbath when the Chancellor of the Exchequer shows up (7) 12. Labour leader emits yet another bad, dim line (2, 8) 16. Dave talks symbol locks? Looks like his usual nonsense to me (8) 17. Latrine amp explains the volume of shit heard in Westminster (10) 19. The poor latch on like a mollusc - lol! (4) 20. Teach bin feet over there to stop sponging! (7, 5) 22. Our favourite family is our least favourite power source (7) 24. Egyptian goddess weeps, we hear, over Eurozone (5) 25. Material for 23d’s stretchy trousers (6) 26. It’s not easy being Caroline Lucas (5) 27. Berlusconi shuffles around subtext (7) 28. £9.3bn for that PE lesson?! No wonder they 18’d! (8)

Crossword

Down 1. The Spanish agree to conflict with Dewsbury MP (5) 2. This fish got a D+ in Scottish Politics (7) 3. This Vlad doesn’t quite impale but he might insert (5) 5. The Dour Scotsman of Gondor (6) 6. How much’s a Grecian urn? (4, 3) 7. Consequences = a reduced budget, post arithmetic (9) 8. My Eastern-European plumber shines my shows (6) 10. Dave wants to boot the EU central in the sprouts (8) 11. A baby ram or the informal US president (9) 13. The Daily Mail hate them. Sorry I can’t be more specific. (10) 14. If you haven’t been to public school then you haven’t got one of these - not a butler. (Caution - Ed.) (9) 15. UK is Inbred King of boozing (5, 5) 18. The UK’s sick in PE lesson (4) 21. Where dreams (and old people) go to die (8) 23. Deputy’s hidden in his hypnotic leggings (5)

It’s the end of the magazine. Content is continued

“You’re Yorkiumed!” Sir Alan Sugar tells failed candidate on The Apprentice

This Issue: Should the University of York ban all bears from campus? Yes!

No!

Craig Adam, Second Year Biology Student

Charles Deane, Second Year Bearded Gentleman

’m sure many of you had the same reaction I did when you first saw a bear in your lecture: “Oh my god, there’s a bear in my lecture.” The attempts by staff to explain away the issue did very little to help matters. I have heard of at least three occasions where the lecturer was indeed attacked by a bear during their introductory remarks on why a bear should be present. This is a trend we cannot allow to continue.

o suggest that beards are a detriment to anybody’s student experience is madness. The very thought that… wait, hang on a second. This is about banning beards on campus, right? No? It’s about banning bears? Well, I mean, yeah, sure… ban bears. We shouldn’t have any bears on campus. I don’t think it’s really a problem, but I mean… having bears on campus is a really bad idea. I can’t deny that.

Perhaps we could let the issue lie if the bears were confined solely to lecture theatres, but that they are allowed free reign over most of the University grounds. While we all know what somebody means when they ask, “Does a bear shit in the woods?” I’m sure none of us were particularly pleased when a bear gate-crashed Central Hall Musical Society’s production of Into The Woods and took a shit on stage. This bear menace has got to go.DeramoreArms_advert:final 22/2/12 12:09 Page 1

This is really awkward. I was all riled up and ready to talk about why beards shouldn’t be banned and then… what a mix up this turned out to be, eh? It’s an easy mistake to make I guess. I mean, you invited me to represent Bearded Gentlemen, so I guess I just glanced at the word Bears and… what a kerfuffle this has turned out to be. I’m really sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. I think you’d struggle to find somebody who opposes banning bears, though. Unless you asked a bear, but as I’ve said, there aren’t any on campus anyway.

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