The Lemon Press – Issue 14 by The Lemon Press

Chicken Concedes, Admits Egg Came First

Want more?

Salutations, hello and welcome to this edition of everyone’s

favourite campus publication: read it, share it - heck, if it pleases you, send a copy to your favourite auntie. The possibilities are endless!

Our thanks to the help of all the team as we have once again York has to deliver, and boy are we proud of this one!

Seriously

though, being the editors of a publication that is held in such high esteem, we have certainly had big boots to against us but our spirits have been high throughout!

Surely the end result is a magazine that will tickle your fun-

ny buds in every way, shape and form. With topics ranging from North Korea to housewifery, we

won’t

Oh, dear reader, if you thought the last issue was funny, you

are in for a treat! There’s not much more you could ask for in life than a good zesty piece of satire, unless it was written by the great Kim Jong-Un himself (glory to his name)!

So don’t delay any longer - put down your essay, put aside your differences and give it a read!

May your day be pleasant,

Contents

Campus

pp4-5

News

pp6-7

Politics

pp8-9

Features

pp10-14

Opinions

p15

Lifestyle

pp16-20

Travel

p21

Entertainment

pp22-24

Sci/Tech

p25

Sport

pp26-27

Arts

pp28-29

Crassword

p30

Lemon Press Staff Editors: Rosa Wright and Tim Godfrey Design Maestro: Cieran Douglass Deputy Editor: Oscar Burton Xi Arts Editors: Alex Bassick and Jake Roper News Editors: Tom Davies and Tom Kelsey Cartoonist: Frankie Drummond Visual Gag Merchant: Sophie Gadd Chair: Lois Stone – chair@thelemonpress.co.uk Treasurer: Tom Taylor – treasurer@thelemonpress.co.uk Secretary: Kieran Wood – lemonpress@yusu.org Advertising & Marketing: Tom Mumford and Billy Blake – marketing@thelemonpress.co.uk

Tim and Rosa,

More* at thelemonpress.co.uk

Special thanks to: Dave Walker, Pasky Miranda, Oli Carr, Will Manners, Jason Savage, Tom Armston-Clarke and Alistair Clarke

Contents

Alcuin

spend all of their time in their rooms having endless phrase “ensuite elite” although the original coiners of this phrase were promptly beaten to death by a mob of angry Derwenters, after being caught using it in public and generally being “obnoxious college for social awkwardness and rampant sexual frustration.

Goodricke frontier town, Goodricke has now been upstaged and dropped in favour of a slightly younger, slightly more attractive model in New Langwith. It’s a bit like her name. I can’t even be bothered to look it up for the purposes of writing this article.

Derwent – It’s been said that the aggregate that makes up the outside of Derwent’s building is ac-

to cry at the sight of Derwent, and only complete commodation. The University is legally obligated to not allow anyone to live in the buildings for more than a year because of the increased risk of toxic substance ingestion. For those of you living in Derwent at the moment, if you are in need of some form of counselling because you’ve made such a poor choice, or feel you might have contracted asbestos poisoning, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with The Lemon Press.

Vanbrugh – Vanbrugh is the college for you if

you’ve forgotten to bring your alarm clock to university and would rather be woken by the gentle and blissful sounds of nature quacking its head off

Langwith – Langwith is one of the oldest colleges

avoid the goose shit at all costs. In fact, that’s the only rule.

falling into disrepair with chunks of stone falling off and killing people every day. Probably. This year, however, Langwith saved up some money, went through a bit of a mid-life crisis and blew it all on

James – James is often celebrated as being the col-

are made of secure materials. That should keep everything standing for at least a couple more years,

lege of diversity, internationality and multiculturalism. If you can think of any other positive terms that can link back to just how diverse James is then my vocabulary would appreciate it.

has been built on. Its old buildings have been absorbed into Derwent who described them as “fancy”.

Halifax

and was originally designed as a super max prison. The largest of all the colleges, Halifax has a proud tradition of taking everyone who forgot to apply for accommodation and didn’t get into any of the other has a disproportionate number of burly rugby lads and other crude sporting stereotypes - no one quite knows why. Halifax is the most isolated college to versity policy designed to stop Halifax students

Wentworth gone are the days of partying every night, eating cold kebabs for breakfast and having fun. You liked to do it again. That’s commitment, I’m impressed. Try not to slip a disc on your way to a job interview. You may be old, but at least you can get a job. Probably.

the mainstream student body.

Campus

Rule 34?

Student cautioned after addiction to getting High cautioned by the university after missing three weeks’ worth of campus shows that he is not alone, with more and more students beginning to take up this addictive habit.

However, the song’s popularity and distinct composition is not what the student was missing lectures for. “I don’t even like the song”, he told The Lemon Press, “I’m just load it as much as possible. I’ve gone into my overdraft buying it I’ve torrented. Occasionally I’d get a few mates round and we’d

Pasky Miranda

University of York league table positions in full Worried about York’s falling position in the league tables this year? Then you're obviously reading the wrong lists! Here’s where we were ranked number one!

Wikipedia The Daily Telegraph Nouse): Langwith The Guardian): JJ's, Halifax The Lady): James National Geographic): Goodricke Easy Living): University of York Library The Wall Street Journal Forbes National Geographic): The Lake Highest ratio of ducks to students (RSPCA Magazine): The University of York

Sophie Gadd

thelemonpress.co.uk

Campus

Heterosexual Divorce Rate remains exactly the same as Gay Marriage is Legalised a 0% increase in the divorce rate amongst heterosexual couples since the legalisation of gay marriage in those states on November 6th. can family. Honestly, Jesus told me in a dream. Just last week I saw two gay men holding hands in the street and immediately divorced my wife. I then immediately proceeded to a nightclub on the bar with a 6”5 man in black leather chaps called Larry. Now you can’t tell me there’s no correlation between the two”. Lois Davies/Tom Stone

GCSE English Controversy

The Lemon Press has been given an exclusive copy of the controversial summer GCSE English exam.

Foundation Tier June 2012

English Literature Unit 1 Wednesday June 6 2012

9.00 am to 10.15 am Section A: Words Answer all questions

1. Spell GCSE. (1 mark) 2. What do the letters GCSE stand for? (4 marks) 3. Write an article for your school newspaper explaining why Michael Gove’s education reforms are a good idea. (45 marks)

News

More articles than you can X a Y at.

James Bond: Sexual Deviant?

Archenemy of Canterbury

men and women, cover a wide range of offenses of a varying degree of seriousness, including seven counts of indecent exposure in an area of worship.

exist.

provide a witness statement.

“It really is astonishing and exciting,” he said, “that people in this country still worship an invisible moon-god. I look forward to spreading my unique brand of pessimism throughout the country and inspiring deep belief in the lack of Him Upstairs.”

come forward, claiming that Bond not only illegally boarded her boat, but approached her without consent as she had a shower.

about arguing on Reddit:

witnessed him seductively waving what can only be described as a semi-automatic, phallic shaped radio transmitter at the head of

broke down in tears, before running off below deck. Rumour has it that the Queen was quite insulted by Bond’s intussle in a helicopter over the Olympic stadium. The outcome of their mid-air violent confrontation resulted in both of them fall-

When asked for comment by the world media outside of the Old male reporter, and was heard uttering, “I wouldn’t mind double The case continues.

“It is not enough to assert that that religion is for stupidheads and losers. We must prove once and for all our sheer intellectual superiority. If we make enough posts online then surely the church itself will come crashing down and we atheists can same thing as us.”

“it’d really wind him up.” Rosa Wright

Oli Carr

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News

Ed Miliband calls for Independent Inquiry into Independent Inquiry dent inquiry into the results of another independent inquiry pubing like a little bitch about it”.

fury at the results of the inquiry and demanded that an independent inquiry be launched into the actions of the independent inquiry.

isn’t inherently superior to Tory Blue Pepsi both in taste, and in its commitment to social justice. When those in a position of power are suspected of wrongdoing there has to be an independent judge led inquiry, and when that inquiry doesn’t suit my interests or help my poll ratings, then there must be an independent, judge led inquiry into that independent, judge led inquiry”.

Le Professeur made Le Chancellor

cluding investigating such issues as “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”, “Why does the toast always land butter side down?” and most recently Wenger laid forth a plan for balancing Britain’s budget by the

ain’s most successful individuals and replacing them with cheap, imported talent from abroad.

Once again this story appears to have, as one analyst put it, “proved to be yet another monotonous irrelevance, designed to sexually excite Westminster political geeks”, with tonight’s You-

however, to the possible transfer of the Royal Family to the United be replaced by a peasant family that Wenger’s scouting network has unearthed in France, who have an obscure claim to be de-

Tom Davies year old retired farmer from near Toulouse, who doesn’t speak seen as a move which would be considered widely unpopular. why replacing a monarch with a bald, ill-equipped Frenchman, should be any different with replacing a football captain with an Balls condemned the plans, although he did admit that the poscan children, who have learning and behavioural problems, was probably in the public interest. Bonjour, your highness

Politics

Will Manners

Breaking news: Virgin birth in Bethlehem

US Election 2012- what you already knew

thought? Bainus Conservatus of the Republican species, has the ability to create rudimentary tools. This has come as a great shock ously accepted that Romney wasn’t capable of partaking in such intellectually rigorous tasks, believing him to possess the same I.Q. as a llama.

George Bush accidentally voted for Obama because he misunderstood the electronic voting system. The percentage of votes going to Romney in various areas levels of gun ownership.

branch off a tree to use as a weapon, after being startled

in favour of Obama, with the UK having one of the highest levels of support for Obama. Unfortunately, one of very few countries worldwide that would have any support for Romney is the one that actually votes.

intelligence among the Republican species, who are infamous for their primitive brain functionality.

ting slightly more intelligent.

Oli Carr

Despite winning 61% of the electoral vote against Romney’s doesn’t really work, this isn’t always a bad thing. Jason Savage

visit thelemonpress.co.uk for up-to-date coverage

Politics

Deadline Headlines

We scan the headlines and infer a story from within! Politicians are ‘demonising’ private schools (The Telegraph) The Demon Headmaster enters re-employment after a long retirement.

Brilliant Cook leads England recovery (The Guardian)

Homeowners struggle to get a foot in the door (News.Au.Com) Disabled homeowners call for bigger letterboxes to

Hi-tech school kit ‘lying unused’ (BBC News)

Mouldy Bread and Dirty Mattresses (BBC Online) national news. Dolphins in Gulf found shot, slashed, stabbed with tool (Fox News) A vote for UKIP is no longer a wasted ballot (The Telegraph) People who vote for UKIP now breathalysed and drug tested. Odd little creature’ skips sex, eats DNA (NBC News)

Comet to close 41 stores by end of the month (The Independent) Willis is on standby. Korean Alphabet boasts of national superiority (Korean Central News Agency) We don’t even know. This was just something lining the cage (not that we’re trapped in North Korea or anything...) Zombie companies stalk UK economy (Financial Times ) Brrraaaaiiiiinnnssss...

OH GOD NOOO

of recession.

Four smartphones line up for Christmas rush (News.Au.Com) People now using smartphones to do their Xmas shopping by placing them in the queue at John Lewis . Livingstone: Crosby role ‘depressing’ (The Guardian)

no comment on David Bowie though. Circuses blow top at lion licensing plan (The Independent) Ringleaders adamant that big cats should not run pubs. Will Mexican Billionaire Buy Up All the Twinkies? (Fox News) Billionaire has severe attack of the munchies. Report: Diabetes cases hit record high (Fox News) Possibly related to the above. Matthew McConaughey’s dreams are made of cheese (The Sun) classic single goes over well with tabloid readers, even if it’s cheesy pop. Man hunted with spears half a million years ago (The Telegraph) David Levine’s ancestors weren’t keen on the homeless either (allegedly).

Find out why we’re screaming

What moustache are you? waistcoat. b) Look around real slow–like, checking to make sure that no-good-sunuvagun “Crazy-Legs” Hank has come in. Ain’t room enough for the two of you in there. c) Set up camera and lighting and clear room for a sordid love scene. d) Make sure there’s room for your concubines and gong. Then order enough Jiu to keep you satiated while you plot against Dr. Petrie. a) Spurn material wealth. Besides, Father already transfered enough cash this month to purchase a small African country. b) Pick it up. You got no idea what in damnation it is, but pro’lly worth summit to someone. c) Leave it there. You make more than that for a single scene. d) Become indignant. The assumption that you value the White Man’s currency over the much more respectable renmimbi offends you deeply, strengthening your will to crush and plunder... a) Accept. The simple idea of not accepting could ruin your entire reputation at Circulation! b) Shoot the bastard. You ain’t got time for this fancy, no-good sword nonsense. c) Show him your sword... your porksword, that is! Then watch him rescind his offer. d) Let one of your many trained assassins face him. You are above getting your hands dirty with such low class nonsense. a) Sitting in the parlour with her and her mother, complimenting her needlework and discussing your future business endeavours. Alternatively, a Bon Iver gig. maid so she drinks for free. c) Three-hour splosh scene for immediate VHS distribution. struggle as possible.

Mostly a’s – The RAF/Hipster Your moustache, like the rest of you, must always express your

it was cool.

at thelemonpress.co.uk

Mostly b’s – The Cowboy Large, western, and smelling like a week of herding cattle are all traits you share with your moustache. You dispel varmints at a moment’s notice but occasionally struggle with soup.

Mostly c’s – The Ron Jeremy You’ve never struggled to attract the ladies despite being short, pudgy and kind of weird looking. Much like your moustache. You exhibit a raw and aggressive sexuality. Much like your moustache.

Mostly d’s – The Fu Manchu Confuscius say, man with moustache brings both great honour and great shame to his face. You bring out everyone’s subtle racism but it’s ok because all of my best friends are Chinese. Honest.

Quiz

Dear Madams and Sir, i am Prime Minister Antonis Samaras from Grease. I am contacting you about exiting business opportuthe transaction. In my work as King of the Bank of Grease I found 360billion Euros in a Bank Account of a deceased person with no relatives. I was told by Englishman and good Christian Mr George Osbourne of your impressive details that you may be able to help establish a Bank Account in England for the depositing of such money. all I need from you is starting investment of 2billion Euros before Angela Merkel arrives and you will receive 160% growth in EU over next 5 years!!! Good Christian friend France has already given €2billion and received many eco-

Dear Tim and Rosa, If you’re looking for an inexpensive but fun gift, perhaps for an ex-boyfriend or husband, why not shred your old photographs to make a challenging but fun jigsaw puzzle. Yours sincerely, Mary Havisham, Scunthorpe Dear Sir and Madam,

Your sincerely, Prime Minister Antonis Samaras from Grease xxx Dear Antonis, Thank you for your lovely letter. Your copy of The Lemon Press is in the post along with our bank details.

They say a poor workman blames his tools able to afford any. Bloody cowboys. Yours sincerely, Eric Bawbag, Clitheroe

- Eds. Dear Editors, Dear Editors, HSBC says it is ‘The World’s Local Bank’. My branch must be running on American opening hours as it is never bloody open. Ken Whattameen, Greenock

Features

For more than 500% of your RDA of vitamin C

mankind”. Quotations are powerful things, get them in the right place at the right time and suddenly everybody thinks: “Hey, this guy seems pretty clever, let’s all pay attention to him more”. Here are some quotations to get you through life. You must become one with the quotation (bonus prize for anyone who can recognise which movie that’s from)* *Prize included in next issue of Nouse, the prize is free toilet paper.

“My momma said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get” – Who could

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” – Now just imagine all the people living for today. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. Life does happen - John Lennon is such a deep chap, really makes you think doesn’t it? Then again, his whole band did a variety of hard

“To pee or not to pee” remember when you’re shitfaced in Willow and debating whether a quick disposal facilities is in order. Just remember: if it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s

“I have a dream really nailed it in Inception. Great movie, ther King Jr. would be proud.

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger by hardcore urban hip hop/rap artist Friedrich Nietzsche and his Huey Lewis and the News tribute band Daft Punk. Remember kids: it’s hip to be rectangular.

“How prone to doubt, how cautious are the wise.” – That’s right everybody’s favourite philosopher, thinker, son. Never a wiser word said.

“

”–

Rugby team as their main scoring strategy. It’s been working well for them, they haven’t lost a single game “YOLO” – This is just a really solid quote. People don’t use it enough nowadays, and whenever I do hear someone use it I think to myself, “Woah, he just said YOLO, this seems like an awfully clever chap”. I just wish I could hear it more often. I’m just so thankful to Drake for getting more people to say it and, let’s be honest, the astuteness of the quote should be revered. You do indeed only live once.

“Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favour” starving child. The Hunger Games are a serious issue in developing countries, and we need your help to make sure that everyone in every district has enough food. Text your name, Thank you.

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Features

Alemni Soundoffs Believe it or not, The Lemon Press has given birth to several overzealously complimentary sycophants over the years. Here are some things they had to say about us.

Christine Hamilton

I was The Lemon Press’ quite caught on...

Craig Dobson The Lemon Press, I burn with fury when I look upon

Dave Hughes IV

eyes looking at LP12.

The Lemon Press was holding me my dream of being a potholing maniac and a fantastic athlete.

Greg Dyke

how we laughed. During my time at LP jokes for Have I Got News For You...

I use The Lemon Press as toilet paper. Oh sorry, no, I mean the tabloidy one, Vision or whatever it was...

Cieran Douglass Because I’m unemployed, I haven’t actually left the magazine, and actually designed most of the pages in this issue!

Features

Lack of security on Campus gives local youths a chance to get the things their single parents wont buy them. By “Tom Davies”

Paupers, it is agreed, are an unsightly blemish on society. However, it is their feral young whose rampant criminality and yobbishness serve as the worst plague on modern society, and one which must be eradicated by any means necessary. I can discuss this issue from a personal perspective because last old lad seriously when he strolled around the corner with a pack of his tracksuited, undernourished

chance to move to Hull Road - they declined, saying they would rather die.” only clothes which people are allowed to wear are tracksuits and hoodies. British law does not apply on Hull Road. I genuinely saw two

This is what Britain should be like and we should all do our bit to help out feral children who make no effort to be part of society.

easy enough for them. We should let them come onto campus, abuse us verbally and physically and let them steal our stuff. I propose that we get rid of the limited security system in place at the moment, take the money we save and give it to Hull Road residents to spend on the things they This should be in addition to the wealth of items only available on the black market, from which the government never sees any tax. We should not feel hatred towards these people because they aren’t as intelligent, good looking or valuable to society as us. We should let them have all our stuff, which we worked hard for and paid for ourselves. That, after all, is justice.

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Opinion

The Lowdown on Life company. When I say ‘you’, I mean me. I ain’t counting on half of you guys and dames having a fraction of the class I have. If that were the case, I’d be out of a job and out on my ass. Still, I get these pangs of guilt. Not everybody can be as hip as me. Naturally, those folks that aren’t evoke feelings of pity, charity and revulsion. So open up your lugholes and listen to the Big C tell it straight.

Buy her some fur and send her off somewhere exotic, like Rochgreat gams and invite her home to sample your ample record collection. If the kids are forced to stay at home, lock them in the handy cupboard under the stairs.

That’s okay, doll, not everyone can get over the Cole Train. Who am I kiddin’, nobody can. Still, that sounds like a sticky situation, the medical aspects of which are beyond my expertise. I say come back to me for a night of passion. Afterwards I can send you off on a one way gala to some place nice. Like Rochdale.

Cook him a steak with a side of his favourite beverage - preferably imported. For extra effec-

steaks. Then, make love to a woman (any will do). The order in which you do all of this isn’t important - feel free to have stages overlap. If you can, try and get out of paying for anything. Especially the woman part because I’ve been informed that’s illegal. If you have a company credit card, whack that sucker out and smear the town with plastic. I’d say I hope that was educational, kiddies, but I know it was. Hope is for squares and liberals. Now, I’m being told to pay the bill which translates to ‘vacate the premises’. Till next time, it’s the boss-man Cole ‘the Duke of Cool™’ signing off. Jake Roper

Lifestyle

Filling The Void With LIBEL:

Aries (21/3 – 20/4) Venus is in your second house of money this month. I’m also in my second home full of money – we should “hang out”. Lucky Bling: Grills Taurus (21/4 – 21/5)

Libra (24/9 – 23/10) People around you are troublesome and threaten to bring up past mistakes in the public sphere. It’s going to be an expensive month, keeping everyone quiet, of that autographed picture of Freddie. Unlucky Shape: Starr

Scorpio (24/10) – 22/11) change of diet and stop pulling in Willow, you pleb Your workload is ever increasing and it seems that scum. there is no end in sight. Back when I was studying at Unlucky Letters: MSG Brownnose we’d just get one of the three state school Gemini (22/5 - 21/6) Romance is in the air as you encounter a feisty Virgo. the sausage. John Virgo. I met him on the set of Big Break a few Unlucky Bastard: You (if you went to state school) trick with his cue that I found most impressive. Lucky Colours: Red, pink, red, black

Sagittarius (23/11 – 21/12)

Jeffrey personally before he went to prison – smashCancer (22/6 – 22/7) ing bloke. Lucky Crimes: Perjury and perverting the course of jusmany people, you’re going to go through a period of tice change leaving you unrecognisable and potentially life-threatening. I couldn’t be more pleased. Capricorn (22/12 – 20/1) Unlucky Letters: NHS Despite recent disappointments, a party offers many Leo (23/7 – 22/8) ing partnership, whether it’s in your career or your In order to keep the peace, you are forced to adopt behaviour that is not in tune with how you really feel. Lucky Headpiece: Whig parlour when it’s 11am and I’m already drunk. Aquarius (21/1 – 19/2) Unlucky Colours: Salmon and Sunset Pink. What’s the fucking difference? It’s still three grand I’ll never get ticularly if you’re willing to sell your human rights for back. shares in a company. Old Pigface really has the best ideas. Virgo (23/8 – 23/9) Lucky Singer: Cher You’ve been putting something important off for too long and now you must meet the challenge head Pisces (20/2 – 20/3) on. Those dead strippers won’t bury themselves, you You may be seeing interacting with the police more know. than you’d like at the moment, following a national Lucky Card Suit: Spades our backs, eh?

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Lifestyle

The Unreliable Source Bringing you all the latest, greatest and bitchiest goss! Rumours are that one of the editorial staff was seen hotspot, at 3am Tuesday morning! Totes scandalous! three days. House P had to grease me up to get me out of their window. I tasted good that afternoon.â&#x20AC;? The claws are out! LP

addresses, despite confusion over mailing

Which LP staff member was spotted getting out of a car with no pants on, causing a seven-inch pile up outside the Designer Outlet? Baby rumours between Toms Davies and Taylor have been dispelled after Tom Davies revealed he wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pregnant but had in fact the day the controversial picture was taken. Whatevs!

Lifestyle

Something you want to sue us over?

to contend with the age old problem of how to get blind, pass-out drunk with a jar

rags you’re wearing and get out on the town. Because tonight’s going to be a good night, that is, if you don’t die or get arrested as a result of one of listening to these tips. 1. A Hip Flask is your best friend arsenal. It’s a cheap and easy way of smuggling alcohol into any bar or club, because honestly, when was the last time you were frisked outside of an discreet location somewhere about your person and proceed to drink surreptitiously in bar or nightclub, or if you really have money to burn, buy a glass of coke or other mixer and add spirit to drink. If anyone questions you about it, tell them it’s for medicinal purposes. When they obviously don’t believe this ridiculous lie say “look I’ll show you”, unscrew the top and splash it in their fucking eyes. Then proceed to run like a crazy fool

peace of mind as you gallivant around the city.

around, in the fridge or in their locked room, they’re just inviting you to steal it. They say that nothing in life is free. Well I say that those people are clearly too constrained by their own foolish morals. They don’t understand what you’re going through or why you absolutely need to get totally rat-arsed on their bottle may notice the drop in quantity, top it up with water. They probably won’t notice, especially if they’re a Fresher – it’s all a contact high for them anyway. 3. Drink that hand soap they have in Nightclub toilets Let’s be frank, we’ve all seen it and we’ve all thought about it. They do it in prison and they all seem pretty happy. It’s guy who’s always selling aftershave will think you’re mentally ill but it’ll be worth it in the end. I’m sure it’s not very right now and I write for a university satire magazine, so what does that tell you? Tom Davies – Alcohol Connoisseur

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Lifestyle

By Mrs Doris Ronson are second only to my capacity to cause him unending torture and pain (such a joker, my Norris), and suggested that I might be able to educate the people of York via an article in his favourite publication. When Horrible Old Bastards Monthly didn’t reply, he then suggested I write to The Lemon Press as “they’ll publish any old shite” (really, such a funny man – he’ll be laughing on the other side of his face when Julio comes to tend my topiary this Friday put together a list of essential tips that any young lady (or one of those young men) should know in order to manage your household and gain a husband of repute, even if you sell your soul in the process. 1. When hosting a party, it is often good to provide alcoholic drinks and food. This will ensure that your guests have something to distract them while you have a screaming match with your spouse regarding him inviting Lighting in a house is often useful so that one may see where one is going. This is optional when your husband is descending the stairs to the wine cellar where the knives are also kept. 3. When deciding on curtains, ensure you have a full colour swatch book at hand. This will ensure you get the perfect shade to complement the room as well as enrage your husband

ity by buying your provisions early and having a divorce lawyer on speed dial.

window cleaner and the man who does the septic tank to visit me while Norris is at work - sometimes all at the same time. 6. Baking soda and white vinegar are excellent stain removers. Failing that, take the bastard’s still get a laugh when he opens the bank statement.

Lifestyle

yourself against the lurgy, You can ‘like’Inoculate thelemonpress.co.uk on facebook,

The Lemon Press Travel Guide presents:

10 things you never needed or wanted to know about…. The Principality of Liechtenstein 1. 3. 5. 6.

Liechtenstein was named after Ulrich Von Liechtenstein, Heath Ledger’s character from A Knight’s Tale. Due to a political balls-up, Liechtenstein is now technically owned by Ikea. In Liechtenstein the head of state is a Falcon, called Bernard. signed photographs of David Hasselhoff circa Knight Rider. Just don’t hassle them. cause Germany hasn’t yet noticed. “foreign”. The national sport of Liechtenstein is losing, at which Liechtensteiners are some of the most talented in the world. I should also point out that the people of Liechtenstein are referred to as Liechtensteiners.

10. Tom Davies

Hotel R-Wander er with Rosa Wrigh t Name: Hotel Neutraal Location: Damrak, Amsterdam Food: Not that good Rooms: Not that bad McDonalds: Yes Atmosphere: Beige Overall: It’s ok.

vaccines at thelemonpress.co.uk

Travel

A terribly British review

As dictated to indentured assistants by H.P. Esquire Cumming Dickenson the III (Junior)

Entertainment

Want a party of lemons?

Channel 4 to Launch New Digital Channel today announced the launch of another new digital TV channel:

steadily increasing in Britain. “We wanted a channel that was responsive to the needs of our viewers. We’re giving them the low-intensity pap required white noise and a comforting glow from the corner of the room.”

for two hours to see if their dealer will arrive followed by whether they receive grade-

Rosa Wright

North Korea Releases Song to Rival ‘Gangnam Style’ northern neighbours have been working on their own response. in a long line of failures to achieve global musical domination. Past failed

Despite lyrical content detailling the glory of North Korea and the oncomoutside of compulsory listening stations located in the nation’s capital. ing, pop music, music charts and music itself. How the ungrateful West

Part of the failure of the song has been attributed to the lack of an accompanying viral video. The video is said to be absent due to an incident and accidentally released it amongst test viewers. There were no reported been reported amongst those involved with the project. Unfortunately none of them could be reached for comment, or for that matter, be veriPasky Miranda

thelemonpress.co.uk

Entertainment

How I Met Your Mother – E4 (Tuesday 5pm) We follow Russell Brand as he attempts to locate every one of his illegitimate children and break the news to Big Fat Hippy Weddings – Channel 4 (Tuesday 9pm)

The Other Way is Sussex - ITV1 (Friday 10pm)

Jamie’s 15 Minute Meals – Channel 4 (Thursday 5.30pm) Jamie Oliver eats 15 tiny meals every episode, growing to the size of a two ton lorry at the end of the series and Eggheads – BBC2 (Tuesday 6pm)

Derren Brown: Look At Me – Channel 4 (Wednesday 10pm) The latest pile of steaming nothingness from the amateur dramatist. Good adverts in-between though. Come Down with Me – 4Gotten (Thursday 8pm) New reality series. Five friends sit in a room weeping and eating yoghurt after a night out. Gurnosaurus Rex. Downtown Shabby – ITV1 (Sunday 9pm) years on. In the psychedelic splendour of the

sex, drugs and rock & roll? No. Storyville - BBC2 (Tuesday 11.20pm) streets of Hereford. Left to wander, he quickly developed a close kinship with the city’s indigveals the true Jude Law story. Oscar Burton Xi

Entertainment

Do not operate heavy machinery after visiting

Students Solve Semen Secret several weeks of intensive research. The students from Ladchester Polytechnic, Blackpool, have put forward the hypothesis “Yeah well, the lads and me were down the pub and he’s a pussy, so we came up with a dare. He had to drink a dirty pint which had someone’s spunk in it (totes bants) and he was all “nah mate that’s gross” but then we were all like “go on”, “lad” and then Kev said “mate it’s so full of protein, it’s like one of your the next day he had a great workout. He literally curled one hundred reps, really fast.” The team then undertook a study (no homo) using a control group of people drinking just protein shakes and a group who had protein shakes laced with semen. Participants were then asked to run a lap around the sports sciences block the quickest without chundering. Lead researcher study, Danny has made a huge breakthrough and we thought he was just gonna look like a massive bender.”

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The group insists that their testing was scicould “bench press your mum” if semen was included in their diet, whilst others wondered whether it would improve their “chances in the bedroom- if you know what I mean”. Real scientists insist that people wait until further research has been done before jumping to any conclusions. “It all sounds a bit suspicious to me,” said their head of department, Gary TLP is awaiting further developments, but in the meantime the boys are moving on to their next project: “We want to see if group masturbation is a good

iPad and double the size of the iP od Touc fectively h, which it has th must m e same p ake erforma nce capa bility of th e iPad least I k but now tha t there a re three rub and tug mas sage pa rlours Alex Bas

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top banter on a lads night out and well, one thing led to another. Totally Tim Godfrey

thelemonpress.co.uk

Science/Tech

York UAFC vs Huddersfield UAFC Match Facts

York

Huddersfield

Yes

I think I saw one

Probably Not Diglett

Ocean’s Possession

Quite a Few

Too many to count

1 (may have been Vision photographer)

Not banned

11 136%

Bill Nighy

The Lemon Press has gone before I, the man who was given this role because I was the only one who wanted it (and Nouse) to watch twenty-two men who scare me a little bit (and who I would probably avoid in bars) kick a ball around for an hour and a half in the freezing cold.

the ball with his face in a very manly and sportsman-like fashion. Within half an hour, despite dominating the game, York were 5 tries and a wicket down. They recovered well before the “time at which both teams go off for a chat and then swap ends” by winning the second set convincingly 6 games

ref”, and “keep up that pressure lads” which I am informed is designed to bring good luck and ward gentleman is but I am under the assumption this is a compliment of some sort, perhaps an even greater one than the standardised compliment of “y’dun good, kid”.

are shit. two halves and you only swing when your winning and they call me the king of the swingers, d’ya know what I mean?”. and I wish I had another now. Tom Davies

Entertainment

Keep out of reach of children

Sports Team Incorrectly Attributes Win to Heart and Determination

defence to score a massive 33 points, while centre Jake Tanhide moved the ball around very effectively and maintained a solid defence.

to reach his goal was real inspiring for all of us.” unparalleled coordination and tactical vision, but at this level it all comes down to courage and determination. Our guys had that in spades, you know, and they came back at us real hard, really gave it everything, but we went up a gear and started gelling as a team and we managed to grind it out.”

This is Alex Bassick. He is now your god.

Tanhide has had a disappointing season thus far, but he is hopeful that his top-drawer performance will signal the end of his slump. “I wasn’t playing great ball earlier this year. I guess my soul wasn’t really in it. There was nothing technically wrong, I was just not feeling it out there, and it’s so tough sometimes when it seems like your passion’s gone.” When asked about whether losing his hand in a farming accident affected his game, he replied. “You can have your hand just right, but if you don’t believe what you’re throwing, there’s no way it’s hitting the target.” is content with the manner of his team’s win. “I love these guys, win, as a spiritual unit instead of a bunch of guys with the technical skills required to get a ball into a hoop.” victory by scoring three times as many points as their opponents.

Alistair Clarke

Gray’s Erotica

in the evening he likens the situation to pushing through a deal in the closing minutes of the January transfer window. In another story, Gray’s wife catches him halfway through a particularly steamy scene with his secfrom home.

a mental image few will want to remember. Various footballers have expressed outrage at their use in the Will Manners

thelemonpress.co.uk

Science/Technology

Getting Distracted… What am I doing? Oh that’s right, writing my article… Focus Alex, focus. My friends have turned up now; it can wait until later. The deadline isn’t for another week anyway. Maybe convincing myself I’ve worked really hard on it will make me feel less guilty? That’ll work. I wrote the title and my name- I’m proud of myself. I’ll finish it later. How many times has this happened to you? You are working away then suddenly something much more interesting comes up; a friend coming over, a quick check of BBC Sport to see how badly Tottenham are doing, or the appearance of an interesting looking leaf outside of the window. The point is we will do anything to prevent ourselves from working. For instance, said leaf isn’t actually very interesting at all, it’s just a leaf. However some people (parents and teachers mainly) don’t realise just how important that leaf becomes when we are supposed to be working. Is it a magical leaf? Does it have healing properties? Do these facts mean that Gandalf and Dumbledore aren’t far away? The leaf is now intriguing, at least from a student’s perspective. Our mind is instantly drawn to the possibilities, simply because anything is better than what we were supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, what I’ve termed

“The Student Complex” then kicks in. We can see this wonderful outlet of mystery just out of reach. We know that it could be the most important discovery of all time. However, we are far too lazy to go and check. The fate of the world rests in our hands, but reality soon kicks in. We’d need to stand up and walk across the room, go outside, bend down, make some sort of gripping motion with our hands, stand up again, go inside, close the door and finally sit back down. Why bother? That’s students for you. Sorry about that, I just spotted a leaf, got distracted and started to prattle on a bit. Where was I? Oh right, distractions. No matter how hard we try to prevent it, how hard parents/ teachers try to keep us “on track” (as they like to call it) it is a sad fact of life that the average student is likely to become distracted at least fifteen times per hour. Some try to fight it. Me? I say embrace it. We’re students, distraction is inevitable. So, you might as well go and check out just how badass that leaf really is. That work that needed doing was formative anyway, why even bother with it?

Alex Bassick

“Have you tried turning it off and on again?” 28

Arts

In fact, keep out of reach of humans

Poetry Corner To My Sweet, Swwet Willow

To my Housemate

If it wasn’t for my sweet, sweet Willow I’d already have my degree But the pawrn crackers and the tequila Have porvoord far too temptinggg for mee

You left all your dishes to mould

They’re was a time when I once was studious Wheeeyyyyyyyyyy You’d think with all there cheap boozzze I’d have much cheaper nights out But the truth is that all that tequila

Oh it’s a truly awful time to be,

You keep all your out-of-date yoghurt You’re the reason the whole kitchen stinks

Based on all the polls I’ve seen,

You drank all my wine without asking

But soon our moods began to sour,

But never once have you offered a lift

When you keep losing to UKIP, If we carry on along this track, We won’t get our deposits back, They tell us we don’t have to worry,

You’ve used all my prescription toothpaste, -

sive Lois Stone (Sent from my Blackberry)

The Lament of a Lib Dem MP (with a fairly small majority)

Lois Stone

Ode to My English Degree These sort of odes are normally done in sonnets (Which I know because of my early Renaissance module) But I know That poems with No meter are cool and trendy They make poems deep

Lois Stone Ostrich

Basically we might have lied, I don’t think it is much of a sin, If you never expected to win, Because our manifesto was made up, Tom Davies Oh Captain, my Halifax Captain! done, We beat all the other football teams, now we are number one, yard, our World Tour was a riot, We got banned from the league, so now But o heart! Heart! Heart! Nouse is asking why and where! Where in the rag our captain lies, “No, I wasn’t there” Rosa Wright

There is a rock in the way The ostrich falls down Lois Stone

Communist State of Mind - A Limerick

Ostrich 2: Electric Boogaloo

There was a young man called Jong Un, Who was a glorious and wonderful son,

I laughed mightily For the ostrich does not know I put that rock there Rosa Wright

For more information, consult thelemonpress.co.uk

For old North Korea, Please send help Rosa and Tim

Arts

A crossword so topical you can smear it on your naughty bits and cure that nasty-looking rash

Crassword

Answers to the Crassword cannot be found on thelemonpress.co.uk