The Lemon Press – Issue 8 by The Lemon Press

THE

ROSES 2011: WHY WE DIDN’T COVER IT AT ALL

FROM THE EDITORS Good morning (afternoon) readers! The sun is out (possibly), the birds are honking and doing their mess all over campus (probably), and you brave students are recovering from post-examination trauma by drinking heavily, sobbing a little and reading this satirical publication (definitely, though not necessarily in that order). As ever, a lot of significant incidents with wide-reaching consequences have occurred since our last issue hit Vanbrugh stalls, and, thanks to the timing of our print runs, you’ll get to read about the events well after they occurred! Because I’m not normally allowed to write this bit, I’m going to be cheeky and give you folks a rare insight to what’s happened in the past two months. We held elections; they blew up. Our website was so hot that it caught fire; the flames spread to our email account, melting away people’s ability to submit articles. Fortunately, resident technician The Dave put a damp blanket on the internet, and all was eventually well. All in all, if eight is a number of good fortune, then God help us when issue thirteen rolls around this time next year. There’s just enough time and space to offer our gratitude to a great many people: to the outgoing thirdyears who have ruined their own degrees with their commitment to our satirical cause; to the unwitting first-years who still don’t really know what they’ve let themselves in for; and to you lot, for reading right to the bottom of this inane rambling editor’s note.

CONTENTS CONTENTS CAMPUS NEWS POLITICS LIFESTYLE ENTERTAINMENT SPORT SCI/TECH ART FULL PAGE VISUAL GAGS

The Team Craig Dobson Jamie Gallimore David Spriggs Bryony Holleran Charles Deane Tim Godfrey Rosa Wright David Hughes Elisa Wubs Jonathan Cridford Samuel Partridge Nicholas Saul Sairah Rehman Lizzie Dearden Tom Keefe Nam Shatil Olivia Waring

Charles Deane Tom Taylor Dominic Mantle Ellen Larson Cieran Douglass Huw Randall-Smith

This page 4 - 10 11 - 13 14 - 17 18 - 23 24 - 25 26 - 27 28 - 28 29 - 30 31 - 32

Editor Editor Deputy Editor/Acting Editor Campus Editor Politics Editor Deputy Politics News Editor/Lifestyle Editor Deputy News Deputy Lifestyle Entertainment Editor Deputy Entertainment Arts Editor Deputy Arts Deputy Arts Science and Tech Editor Deputy Science and Tech Cartoonist Chair Treasurer Acting Secretary/War Criminal Overseas Secretary Design Advertising

There’s a reason Jamie normally does this. Arthur Pitt Rachael Healy - Craig and Jamie and also kind of David

A Free Man Dancing Mermaid Dave Walker The Dave Ryan Fitzgerald …who? All uncited images property of The Lemon Press or stolen You One-seventh of our readership for legally from Wikimedia. All other things, text, layouts, wit (or lack thereof) ©The Lemon Press 2011 this issue Want to get involved? Or would you rather swan about in the sun this term like a goose? Well, if you want to help us write things, contact Charles on chair@thelemonpress.co.uk! We’d love to have you, you goosey fiend.

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Halifax is latest college to be burgled: everything taken but “nothing of worth” stolen

NEWS IN BRIEF - CAMPUS Lake fountain brings a touch of Lemon Press website comes unclass to campus der attack from Chinese hackers

Derwent criticised for LarD event

Students have remarked this week how much classier the lake looks now that there is a small fountain spraying dirty water everywhere. “I got confused and threw some money in because I mistook it for the Trevi!” said one. “It’s beautiful. The purple lights on the bridge between Physics and Central Hall just top the whole thing off.” It is unknown how long the water will continue to flow before the system gets clogged up with litter and sludge.

The organisers of the Derwent College event “LarD” have been criticised for their tasteless choice of theme. For the week 9 event people will be encouraged to dress in fat suits, refrain from showering for several days beforehand, and frequent the available food vans more often than they would do usually on the night. One of the organising committee said: “It’s just a laugh, get over yourselves,” with another pointing out that extravagant consumption would raise more money. FatSoc have lodged a formal complaint.

The Lemon Press’s website has gone offline after being targeted by Chinese cyber villains.

The hackers operated under the pseudonym “UK2”

Wealthy students ‘feel at home’ A huge group of hackers conducted an orchestrated “denial-of-service” attack, in Mansion striking just as our Editors were poised York’s homesick posh students have found a remedy in an unlikely place after the owners of popular nightclub Ziggy’s changed its name to “Mansion”. “I liked it before, don’t get me wrong,” said Alcuin student Barney Flip-Flop, “and I felt I had something in common with the large number of rahs. But now it’s like I’m back in Gloucester.”

The astute marketing move makes innovative use of the forceful semantic association between a word and its usual connotations in the minds of those with limited cranial capacity, which has led other businesses in York to consider following the same course of action. Taxi companies are vying for use of the name “Horsies” while Efes is mulling a high-risk switch to “Din-dins”.

Campus

to continue maintaining a fully-functional website whose domain name was nowhere near expiring. Craig Dobson said: “They went after Google and now they’ve gone after us. We have no idea why they have targeted a small magazine from the University of York but that is definitely why our website has been down.” Dobson later failed a polygraph test.

Library to undergo name changes

Careers Service hit by compulsory redundancies Students will soon be unable to drop into the Careers Service for advice and information on their future beyond university after its staff fell victim to the economic woe. All employees are being forcibly laid off as the institution looks to cut “unnecessary” outlay on salaries which could instead be going on plane fares. A spokesman for the university said: “We are unfortunately not immune to those circumstances which are forcing a rise in unemployment under this government, especially since there’s a very important conference in the Seychelles next month.” It is unknown whether any alternative careers advice service will be provided, though McDonalds and Tesco are thought to be interested in expanding their campus recruitment drive.

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Following on from the success of changing the name of “The New Building Study Space” to “The Brian Blessed Centre for Quiet Study”, the JB Morrell Library is considering some similar moves. Feedback from students has indicated that names making reference to the unacceptable loudness of many areas of the library would be particularly amusing. Current tongue-in-cheek suggestions on the table include “The 1st Floor PC (Picadilly Circus) Suite”, “The Mount Krakatoa Collaborative Study Area” and “The Central Stairwell for Taking Calls Even Though You‟re Still in the Library”.

ProtestSoc protests to YUSU after anti-protest protest ruins initial pro-protest protest

REVEALED: University accepts funding to develop “Adam Hart-Davis Study Orb” “IT’S A TRAP!” exclaims outgoing YUSU Alliance president Ngwena THE UNIVERSITY has come under fire from rebel students after the true nature of the Adam HartDavis Study Orb was revealed via blueprints stolen from Brian Cantor’s office. Earlier this month, the Vice-Chancellor had proudly declared: “This fine study sphere will be ready by 2016, and will provide extra study space for up to thirteen students.” When grilled about the projected costs of the orb, Cantor responded: “Nonsense, this will not eat into university funding. It will be funded by four very generous and professional companies.” Whilst three of the four named companies – BAE, Qinetiq and Rolls Royce – are providing funding for necessary and not-at-allsuspicious facets of the Orb’s development in armour plating, flight technology and thruster engines respectively, it is the other company, MBDA, which has raised eyebrows amongst YUSU operatives and college-dwellers alike. According to recently-discovered plans, the arms developer is funding and implementing what is consistently referred to as a “superlaser and blaster system”. These suspicions were only heightened by the presence of just two desks in the Hart-Davis Study Orb, with the interior comprised mainly of switchboards, flight instruments and comfy chairs. The Orb, ostensibly a structure that will provide colleges with extra computer terminals and study space on a week-by-week basis, was believed to have briefly come under attack from protestors in Alcuin last Wednesday. However, according to Cantor, the dissenters “swiftly moved on” after a brief reconciliatory chat with the Vice-Chancellor. Others reported the incident differently. “There was a low humming noise initially, before a white beam seemed to dissolve Alcuin into nothing but dusty particles,” said understandably shaken Derwent student Wedge Antilles. “It definitely raises ethical questions,” said outgoing Alliance president Tim Ngwena. “If he has destroyed Alcuin in order to test his own power, I‟ll have words. Words like “mercy” and “subservience”. I don’t want to be next.” When presented with these accusations, a visibly distressed Cantor, wearing his “ceremonial” black robe, shot back: “Weapons systems? First I’ve heard of it. What a ridiculous and morally reprehensible accusation.” After repeatedly pressing a large red button on his desk without consequence, Cantor added: “On the Hart-Davis Study Orb, trap doors to the sarlacc pit will be fully operational. The sarlacc will be able to wholly consume up to thirteen people.” Craig Dobson

Derwent Computer Room “Actually a TARDIS”

In a shocking admission exclusive to The Lemon Press, Professor John Smith today admitted that, actually, he was a Time Lord from Gallifrey, and Derwent Computer room was his TARDIS. “Really, it was obvious when you actually think about it” said the physics professor, adjusting his bow-tie. “I mean, c’mon, it’s got no windows, only one door (covered in posters no-one actually reads), is much too big to actually fit into where it’s supposed to be, and even maintains an active cloaking field. How many people do you know who actually know where the bloody room is? It looks like a cleaning cupboard!” Following these admissions, the professor sadly had to leave the interview, claiming that he had to rescue Windmill Lane, following reports that a man had constructed a Dalek in his garage. This was much to the chagrin of multiple students printing out their dissertations in the computer room, who all promptly found themselves occupying a rather small and dirty broom cupboard as the room disappeared from around them. The University is pursuing Mr Smith with the intention of hasty exit. Cieran Douglass

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Student eaten by sentient beanbag in Harry Fairhurst Building

THE HARRY FAIRHURST BUILDING

A Handholding Guide To Your 22nd Century Learnatorium After eight weeks of the new study space, you’ve probably become accustomed to the ins and outs of the new study space. We talk to the designer, Harold Bloxham, for his thoughts on the new space and for a look to the future. The Lift “The lift was installed in order to provide a route for our disabled and our lazy students to move between floors. The key feature is the loud and piercing noise it creates upon reaching the top floor; this is designed to evoke memories of the dial-up internet connection sound, reminding students how quickly the world is changing and what a bright future they have in store, if they study hard and want it enough.”

Design “By locking random combinations of doors on different days, we can test students’ problem solving abilities as well as their endurance, often forcing them to walk the entire length of the library before doubling back on themselves. This way, we can ensure users are fit in both mind and body, ready and prepared for a productive learning session.” What about the big floor holes? “Like the main library, the building is designed to let light filter down from the top floor to the bottom. More importantly, it acts as a giant sound funnel; so any slight disturbance on the ground or first floor reaches a deafening roar by the time it reaches the top. It’s quite ingenious in that respect; the learning of students is amplified with each layer of the structure”.

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Writing Lemon Press articles “more productive than revising”, according to University dropouts

The Future Now that the play area on the top floor is complete, the library plans to extend the fun even further with the addition of a water park, illustrated. Students will get free access to the pool and slides, with modest rentals on lilos and other inflatables during the summer. During the winter, the pool will function as an ice rink. “The ability to study whilst hurtling down three stories of slide in a pair of shorts is really projected to improve the student learning experience, far beyond the brightly coloured and angular furniture, bean bags, spinning cube chairs, ball pool, circus training centre and monkey crèche already in place on the top floor ever could.”

English and Related Literature student Bruce Gibbons tests out the prototype working area, despite struggling with his Roger Hargreaves compilation

Further Developments Further plans include the installation of an R’n’B dancefloor/nightclub in one of the disused ground floor rooms – the rationale is to keep students in the library, where they can study, instead of heading out into town. “We really believe this new function wi ll help students to concentrate on their studies. We don’t quite know how, but nobody can say that the library will be less fun than sitting at home wasting time in front of the TV, so it can only be a positive thing”. There were also plans to implement a room for loud conversation about utterly vapid subject matter, but upon seeing that most of the building was being used for this function already, plans were quietly scrapped.

Finances

When the University was asked how it could afford all this, it merely shrugged its shoulders and mumbled “war”.

Harry Fairhurst Building Evacuated Over Smugness Alert “Merely a precaution”, say bookish librarians

The upper floors of the newly-refurbished Harry Fairhurst Building yesterday had to be evacuated due to dangerous levels of smugness registered by detectors. Since its opening earlier this term, concerns have been raised that the building, formerly designed for Computer Scientists, was not designed with proper smug-ventilation systems, and was improperly provisioned to cope with large numbers of Jack Wills-wearing, Macbook-using, iPhone-toting students. The alarms were tripped after second-year history of art student Tarquin Davies-Smythe-Rothschild apparently flopped onto a beanbag, before tweeting from his iPhone about how “simply wonderful” the new study space was, and how he “couldn’t bear” the thought of returning to the pebble-dashery of the university proper. This prompted multiple displays of “Rather!” from the surrounding students, followed by a mass sashay towards the exits. Smugness can, if untreated, produce effects such as disdain for the lower classes, purchasing of needless vanity items, and writing for Nouse. While the levels registered in yesterday’s incident were not considered harmful or long-lasting, and indeed the worst effects will likely be simply bored housemates as students recount what happened on their gap years for the 17th time, the University has nonetheless taken this opportunity to close the building down for extensive building work, forecast to be completed in 2026, to be undertaken using only the loudest and most irritating of tools. The next-door library will apparently be “unaffected”. Cieran Douglass

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Cantor gets head wedged in narrow Vanbrugh corridor during tour of campus

Parent system causes psychological devastation amongst first years

Morrisons Monorail Mooted

The “parent” system is up for review after a series of traumas and abuses over the course of the academic year. The scheme, employed by James College, forcibly removes students from their biological parents or legal guardians for the duration of their first year at university, assigning them a student “Mum” and “Dad”, who confusingly are usually only a year or two older, and even sometimes slightly younger than their “child”. It was this confusion that led to an unnamed fresher being forced to abandon the university last year, after suffering a compound nervous breakdown after attending their “Dad’s” birthday party. The first year noticed that there were twenty candles on the cake, and when challenged, the “Dad” admitted that it was only his twentieth birthday, making him several months younger than his “son”. Unable to cope with this revelation, the unfortunate fresher spiralled out of sanity, and was found a week later sitting quite nude on the lap of the secret Buddha behind the Berrick Saul building, muttering feverishly about how “the candles didn’t add up”. This is far from an isolated incident. One first year successfully brought charges against her biological parents for kidnapping when they attempted to take her home after her second term, with conscientious fellow students hearing her frenzied screams of “You aren’t my real parents!” and beating the confused middle aged couple with clubs and sharpened sticks. Another fresher revealed, with tears running freely down their cheeks, that they caught their “Dad fingering another woman in Willow toilets”, and that their “Mum” didn’t even seem to care. This disturbing lack of monogamy between “Mums” and “Dads” is shockingly common: college documents reveal that only 0% of “parents” are even married. Dave Hughes

Last Monday saw the first meeting between the University of York development committee, York City councillors and building contractors after a recent poll showed that 97.54% of students would like to see the building of a high speed monorail line between campus and Morrisons. The poll was undertaken to determine the university’s next project after the completion of Heslington East and the options included “for the love of God do something about Derwent before it falls down”, “rebuild Morrisons on campus” and “install moving pavement to the Charles”. The proposed line would incorporate state of the art technology from Japanese developers, with the capability of reaching speeds of up to 400mph with up to 100 passengers on each journey. This works out at a journey time of just under 50 seconds from Central Hall to Morrisons Deli counter - a 3240% reduction on average journey times. Students campus-wide are positive about the move, which, while still in the early stages, looks set to go ahead. “It’s about time isn’t it?” said one exasperated young man. “Have you ever walked to Morrisons? It’s bloody miles away!”

Students object to use of doctored images on University website

Just one example of the University’s shameless image modification tactics

Campus

Welfare activists were up in arms last night after it emerged the University of York had used Photoshop to modify promotional images of students. “I was just sitting in the library, minding my own business, when somebody asked me if they could take a picture for the website,” second year student Liz Kennedy told The Lemon Press. “I thought if people could see how miserable I was it might put them off making the same mistake I did. Yet when I found my picture online, I discovered to my horror that they’d shown me smiling!”

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“I was just lying in the grass near Vanbrugh, contemplating the sheer misery of my university experience,” first year Andrew Deaney explained, “but when they put the picture on the website I was surrounded by all these other people, joking and laughing.” “You’d almost think they were my friends or something.” University officials declined to comment on these particular examples, but did say it was probably inappropriate of them to include an image of Brian Cantor riding a magical dolphin over Heslington Hall.

Student has limb amputated after festival wristband turns arm septic

SKIPPING - Just how tightly-squeezed are the middle classes?

English Department Funded By Arms Industry

Free, all free. Bring your own garnish.

The Department of English and Related Literatures at the University of York came under fire yesterday following revelations that the majority of funding received in the fiscal year 2011 had come from the arms industry. Following a Freedom of Information request by some desperate campus publication, it was revealed that over 70% of money received came from four arms companies, including the controversial WKB industries, informally known among its light-hearted workers as “We Kill Babies”.

Walking around the skips of a local Waitrose store on Foss Islands Road, we found Lawrence. Lawrence Talbot, of Bucks., is an ordinary student at University of York. Oxford reject (“They didn’t hang around to see if I’d get the grades; with hindsight I’m pleased about that”) and tenant of the posh bit of Vanbrugh, Lawrence can’t rely on parental handouts or state bursaries to keep him fed.

“I just don’t know what to feel,” one distraught first-year flickyhaired scarf-wearing moppet from Derwent confided in The Lemon Press, “I used to admire and respect my lecturer, but the revelation that his seminal ‘Poke (Ot)her Face: Decontextualising the ‘Self’ in Bad Romance’ was funded by a land mine manufacturer and may see use in combat in Afghanistan next year has totally shaken my belief in him.”

“My parents pay for accommodation with the tithes their peasants pay, but they won’t give me enough money to support clubbing and food. So I’m reduced to this.” At this point, Lawrence (or “Lol” to his friends, 476 on Facebook) picked a dead badger out of the skip and ate it raw. In front of us. Apparently to make some sort of point. As Lawrence struggled to swallow chunks of gristle and matted hair, we asked him how abject his situation must be to resort to eating food from bins.

In total, over eleven million pounds in arms-related grants were given to the department, mainly in the suspiciously euphemistic field of “deconstruction”. Nick O’Deamus, chairman of “Ordnance Must Go” (OMG), a totally genuine anti-arms group, told The Lemon Press that in his opinion the association with arms companies had absolutely soiled the university’s image, and was undoubtedly the reason for its recent six-place slide down a league table, a descent steep enough to make the front page of weighty publications such as Nouse.

“No, it’s not that bad. There’s plenty of stuff they have to throw away for bureaucratic reasons which they seal in handy separate bin liners.” When asked why he had then just chewed a dead badger, Lawrence replied that he didn’t know, and that he was “making some sort of point”. Ed Greenwood

In total well over half the research done by the department over the last year was connected in some way to what is known to industry professionals as “Killy Killy Bang Money”, including such projects as “Finding Bin Laden: The Hermeneutics of Jihad”, and “No Seriously Guys He’s In Pakistan: Towards a Textual Terrorism”. The department, however, has been active in its own defence.

Lemon Press writer hits back at claims that this Earlier today the Head of the English Department, speaking article was purely written to fill space, then relents from the Iron Throne of the Signified, released a statement One anonymous Lemon Press writer has hit back at very recent accusations that this article was written purely to fill a very awkward space on page seven of this magazine. His logic- defying response in the very same article which initially brought about such criticism is “quite simply ludicrous”, according to a person reading this right now. Initially, the writer in question was furious at the suggestion, before admitting: “You really cannot fathom how difficult it is to write 100 amusing words in a rectangular box. There just isn’t enough space here for good satire, so this will have to do.” Anon.

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brimming with malice:

“If one examines neodialectic capitalism, one is faced with a choice: either reject social realism or conclude that discourse is a product of collective violence: Or, to follow Foucault, violens. That is, subpatriarchal discourse – in the form of ‘war’, or ‘arms’ companies (surely itself a signifier of a Lacanian roundabout, since the only ‘arms’ these companies possess are almost unbearably mythopoetic) – merely serves as a focusser or interpolator into a rather risque desituationism. That is to say, nothing.” Tom Keefe

Third-year student “gutted” after losing dissertation in a game of poker

The Graduate Curriculum Vitae DECIPHERED Personal Statement A Computer Science graduate from the University of York. I have the knowledge essential for managing key areas of an organisation and the skills needed in business. I am looking for a trainee post within your company where I can utilise my strong social skills. A nerd with a degree from the University of York. I have mad skills on Team Fortress 2, and can manage a squad of up to 16 people when partaking in deathmatch tournaments. I’m looking for a graduate trainee post within your company because mum said I need to get a job and socialise with people rather than gamertags. Education 2008 – 2011 University of York BSc (Hons) Computer Science 2:2 Modules included: - Databases - IT Legislation and Ethics

- Server Administration - Mobile and Humanoid Robots

The only modules I did well in were: - Games Development

- Dissertation Preparation

Completed one dissertation: developed highly advanced software for a private party. Completed one dissertation: developed a highly accurate Pokémon level on Minecraft. It afforded me a wealth of experience in block-building video games. Work Experience 2009 – present: Checkout Operator, Tesco I developed my social interaction skills in this occupation, whilst also delegating tasks and managing others in group contexts. I became a trustworthy and ever-present member of the team. I learned that I don’t like real people very much. And they don’t really like me. Interests Culture – I spend most of my free time reading or learning, often travelling to visit art galleries and museums. Sport – An avid sports fanatic, I was captain of two college sports teams. Culture – I’ve read every Final Fantasy walkthrough in case I missed any Easter eggs. Sport – I was on the periphery of Derwent’s debating side, and was the sole member of the backgammon team. Skills My knowledge and application of computer skills is second to none, I know four languages and I have a full clean driving licence. I can see in the dark but am allergic to sunlight. I know Java, HTML, C++ and Klingon, and my driving licence is still clean, as I kind of didn’t report hitting that hitchhiker on the A26. References available on request References available, but don’t ask. Please please please don’t ask.

The responses YOU will receive upon applying for that job you’ve always kind of wanted: •

Dear Sir, thanks for your interest but this job was only advertised to satisfy legal requirements before I just give it to my son anyway. • Dear Sir, we have received your application and will keep it on file in case anybody thinks we’re exaggerating when we tell them about this sad, desperate excuse for a resume. • Dear Sir, it was a tough process but in the end we came to a decision: we’ve decided to reject you by letter and not by phone. • Dear Sir, we were very impressed by your C.V. and would like to offer you a competitive salary and a—Oh my God I can’t even keep a straight face through the medium of writing. • Dear Sir, yes you can cut my lawn on the condition you undercut the 12 year old who is currently doing it. He charges 50p. • Dear Sir, congratulations on your new job. When you’ve finished come inside and I’ll give you two shiny 20p coins. Wipe your feet first, I don’t want mud inside the house. Yours,

The Uncaring World of Employment 10

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God announces reason for delaying Rapture: “I really want to see “The Inbetweeners’ movie”

WORLD NEWS

(That’s Europe and America to you ignorant Western fools)

GERMANY MAY RUN POWER GRID ON “SHAME, REMORSE AND TEARS” BY 2022 Following announcements from Chancellor Angela Merkel that Germany will shut down all of their nuclear power plants by 2022, the nation‟s replacement source of power has become a topic of wildly speculative speculation. In the wake of the recent Fukushima disaster, the German government is believed to be looking for an environmentally friendly, cost-effective and politically astute alternative. And, according to Parliament insiders, the solution may lie in channelling the population‟s subconscious war guilt into a workable form of energy. The idea was first raised in a behind closed doors meeting attended by Cabinet ministers, after energy conservationists found that the amount of kinetic energy generated by Germans inside Berlin’s Neue Wache memorial in just one day could theoretically fuel the city’s power grid for a fortnight. “Our country‟s remorse is, potentially, a powerful tool,” admitted Federal Minister for War Guilt Rutger Hauser. “It’s certainly renewable, too: if we fully embrace the prejudices and stereotypical views of Europe and produce negatively biased documentaries, films and academic works about the atrocities our forefathers committed, we can tap into a form of energy that could last for a number of generations.” Even the liberal parties are quietly accepting of the proposal, hoping that constant reminders of totalitarianism will prevent Germany from slipping too far down the right hand side of the political spectrum. Despite protests from large sections of society, many of which see such proposals as “grossly insensitive and the worst form of exploitation”, recent studies suggest that it may be the most viable option, with solar panels and wind farms suspected to be ineffective or unsightly. “We considered building some sort of contraption to steal wind from neighbouring countries to boost our own energy supply, but the machine itself would require another four nuclear plants to be constructed just to power it. That‟s irony for you,” lamented one exasperated researcher at the University of Düsseldorf. “It seems we have no alternative other than harnessing the sadness of our history. Except reconsidering nuclear power, of course, but that’s just preposterous.”

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2011’s hurricanes to be named after stars of the pornographic industry The NHC reveals the sexiest natural disaster roster yet

Stay at home mothers and easily offended members of society are reeling in America today after the National Hurricane Centre announced that all of 2011’s hurricanes will be named after stars of the adult entertainment Don’t pretend this doesn’t turn you on industry. “Names like Cindy, Trish and Vince are incredibly familiar amongst the majority of the population, if by majority we mean all men,” said Peter North of the NHC. “We‟ve only received a handful of complaints about the prospect of Hurricane Candy blowing her way through half of Arizona. Most people just find it amusing. The name, of course, not the devastation.” When asked what he thought about the naming process not being family-friendly, North shot back: “To be fair, hurricanes are hardly family-friendly either. In that respect, it‟s actually quite relevant.” Depending on the naming proposal’s success in the coming months, the NHC are already considering their roster for 2012, with the names of war criminals and serial killers being mooted as “unique” and “memorable”. Craig Dobson

Editor’s note: it took Charles Deane 48 minutes to Photoshop the sad faces onto Britain. Fact.

THE NEWS IN GREAT BRITAIN TODAY Topshop to Stop Selling Top at Shop

A story that will change everybody’s life, forever. An incredible, earth-shattering, almost unbelievable, yet legally unnameable thing has happened in a location that we cannot reveal, involving people whom because of an unprecedented series of super-injunctions we cannot identify.

Topshop has discontinued a line of Topshop tops which read “Top Shop” across the front when they ought to have read “Topshop.” The decision by Topshop to not sell its “Top Shop” top at shops has been met with discontent by shoppers because it has become such a popular top. In response, this particular Topshop top has sold out of shops throughout the country and has become the top Topshop top. The company has made a statement to the press which reads, “Topshop’s top “Top Shop” top is stopped at shops so shoppers shop for proper Topshop tops at Topshop shops.” Ellen Larson

This vital and compelling story was brought to the attention of The Lemon Press by a source, Mr or Mrs P, who understandably requested that their identity remained discreet, when we met him/her in a top secret meeting a while ago/quite recently at a private/public hotel/restaurant/pub/playground/place.

Venetian Blinds in Benefit Fraud Scandal The Department of Work and Pensions has egg on its face this morning after mistakenly awarding £30,000 in disability benefit to a pair of venetian blinds.

The source revealed that an important/insignificant man/ woman/child of either gender (who we shall call X) has been caught ------- with a series of --------- (whom we shall collectively refer to as Ys), despite the fact that -------- expressly requested that X didn’t ------- after the ------ incident Z years ago. I will not insult the reader‟s intelligence by pointing out the consequences of this, especially after the scandal involving ------- stopped a whole series of -------- becoming ----------, and resulted in the alleged --------- of B. Indeed, anonymous entity A has revealed that they were approached by Mr and Mrs C regarding the ------ presented by the Ys as long ago as 2***.

“They’re not blind. They don’t even wear glasses. I just hope we can draw a curtain over this embarrassing event,” said the DWP’s Head of Public Relations Kurt N. Pole. Meanwhile, Nigel Farage of the UK Independence Party said: “It’s a disgrace that foreigners can come over here and claim benefits when hardworking British drapes get nothing at all. They should be hung, drawn and quartered.” Rosa Wright

X has, for obvious reasons, declined to comment. Dave Hughes

Plans afoot to cancel British night-time Following speculation earlier in the year that the government planned to adjust British Summer Time by an hour, details are emerging of a new plan to cancel night time completely. “Our initial thoughts were that extending daylight by a further hour would help encourage tourism and safety,” David Cameron said. “However, we realised that we could actually solve these problems altogether if we were to stop having night time altogether. Plus, with the constant light of the sun, both the government and the general public will be able to save billions on lighting costs.” Not everyone is convinced by the plans, however. One York student told The Lemon Press, “It’ll negatively impact the local nightlife, by which I mean there won‟t be one anymore. I mean, I’m sure people will still want to go out and get shitfaced, but without the cover of darkness it‟ll be a lot harder to convince yourself that the Willow is a nice place to be.” Others welcomed the proposals, with one local saying, “If it stops the bloody cricket being called off due to bad light I’m all for it.”

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Libertarians arrested without trial – sources say arrests were to “satisfy the God of Irony”

New university to offer degree in Rip-off Studies

Oxbridge Offers £100,000 Degree

The recently formed New College of the Humanities has announced that it will offer an entirely new degree: Rip-off Studies. The private university, which will charge undergraduates £18,000 a year, claims the degree will bring “something new to the market” that offers “an essential life skill”.

Taking the university fee raise to an extreme, Oxbridge is set to charge students six-figures for a degree starting in the 20132014 academic year. A mass outcry has risen from the public accusing the premier universities of making a degree untenable for any but the wealthiest of students. Oxbridge desires to make clear that this sticker price is, of course, aimed at richer students, but does not apply to everyone, only to those who could afford it.

The university’s founder, AC Grayling, commented; “Rip-Off Studies embodies a key element of our ethos. New College is a leading institution for the research and practice of this field of study and we are proud to offer this practical qualification in a time of economic hardship.” The three year course will include modules in exploitation, pyramid schemes and evading trade description laws. Students will also be required to attend weekly counselling sessions to resolve the excruciating irony of their degree. Lizzie Dearden

What the £100,000 degree provides over the £,9000 otherwise charges is one online questionnaire asking the students what course they would like to receive their degree in and how they want their name spelled on the diploma. In 6-8 weeks after the full £100,000 is received, the students can expect to get their diploma in the post. The universities would like to point out that this is just business as usual. Ellen Larson

York City Council to Introduce People-Who-Are-Running-Late-And-AreOnly-Using-it-Just-This-Once Lanes

Following a worrying trend of ordinary cars utilising the city’s bus and cycle lanes, York City council have announced a trialing of new lanes to replace bus lanes, which will be for people who “are just nipping to the shops to get a pint of milk” or who are “really late and I have to make this meeting or my boss will fire me sorry officer it won’t happen again”. Lord Mayor David Horton stated that he hoped these new bus lanes would “prove invaluable for the late, busy or lazy, as long as they can provide a suitably vague excuse. Now can I please go officer, Efes closes in like, two minutes!” The lanes are expected to save the council thousands of pounds in ensuring that bus lanes are policed. The trial project was hailed as a success, after almost every car on the road opted to use the lanes, leaving the rest of the road free for non-twits. Cieran Douglass

The Lemon Press predicts…

Here at The Lemon Press, we’re committed to bringing you the very latest, up to the second news. Unfortunately, because we use a printing company based in Jersey, the news beats our publication to York by two whole weeks. Using a combination of cloud movement patterns, astrology and educated guesstimations, we bring you the news that is happening right now, as you read this magazine*: - The Subways break tradition by actually showing up to the Summer Ball - Protestors sentenced to death by the YUSU Supreme Court; fourteen unrepentant morally zealous communist eco-warriors to face firing squad tomorrow - Derwent 1sts win the Johnstone’s Paint College Cup; open-top buggy parade in front of seven ardent fans to take place this afternoon outside D-Bar - Ratko Mladic commits suicide in his detention centre after insisting on eating nothing but cucumber and beansprout sandwiches - Ghaddafi surrenders to NATO after his military compound finally runs out of Tunnocks teacakes - German vampire clan use E.coli epidemic as cover for blood donation appeals - Queen attacked by pirates on the south coast as she ends tour of the UK in Penzance - Indonesian man instantly regrets decision after selling his hands for an iPad 2 * Not true if reading this after publication date, or re-reading the magazine at a later date for personal pleasure/disdain. If you feel misled and require up to the second news ** at any given second, then visit our recently re-registered, fully operational website, www.thelemonpress.co.uk. ** May not be entirely up to the second.

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Government refuses to back down to the biochemical oxygen demands

“Tory dinosaurs not extinct” say experts

For the last seven years, the rare archaeosaurus has been believed extinct in the United Kingdom- but recent evidence appears to show its continued survival. The species, more commonly known by the English name “Tory dinosaur”, declined from 2005 onwards due to David “Compassionate” Cameron‟s cleansing of their habitat and was pronounced officially extinct during the 2010 General Election.

While Tory dinosaurs do cast a distinctive shadow, rumour has it that they do not have a reflection…

The creatures can be distinguished by their cruelty and low intelligence and are fed largely on a diet of misogyny, homophobia and working-class unemployment. The calls of the species are unique and have formed the basis of claims of their survival. Several such calls were caught on television and radio in early May, as one suspected dinosaur used its primitive cognitive abilities to distinguish between “serious rape” and other kinds of rape. Analysts have highlighted the outdated and sexist nature of the calls as proof of the return of the Tory dinosaur. Another spotting occurred later in the month when a female of the species infiltrated Parliament in an attempt to introduce abstinence education for human females under the age of sixteen. The event corresponds with the creatures’ well-documented mission to minimise breeding among the human race. This evidence is a grave blow for Tory leader David Cameron, who has attempted to remove all reptilian elements from his party in an effort to appear more relevant to the post-Cretaceous era. A debate is currently raging among palaeontologists regarding the possibility that Cameron himself exhibits archeaosaurus genotypes. Experts cite his lack of human compassion and suspiciously-smooth face as evidence of dinosaurian DNA. Opposition Leader and dinosaur hunter Ed Miliband is reportedly assembling a band of vigilantes to combat the resurgence of the species. He was last spotted furiously taking notes at an anniversary screening of Jurassic Park. Lizzie Dearden

House of Commons preparing for move to Flat of Commons In another cost-cutting measure, the government has revealed that it plans to leave the House of Commons in the Palace of Westminster for a one bedroom apartment in Brixton. “The rent there was really getting out of hand,” remarked John Bercow, the current Speaker of the House, who will soon take on his new role as Speaker of the Flat. “And really, we were getting a bit tired of all the late night parties going on in the House of Lords. Call me a killjoy if you want, but you try listening to Swedish House Mafia blaring until 5am every Friday night and tell me how you feel about it. This new rent band is far more affordable, plus it comes fully furnished. It even has a fridge-freezer!”

Politics

Most MPs have welcome the news, pointing to the increased security of the third floor location and the convenience of the bath-shower combo, but the opposition have been clear in their opposition; “It‟s still far too extravagant,” Harriet Harman argued. “I sourced a bedsit in Peckham that would have been nearly half the price, yet still the Conservative government insists on this needless expenditure just to satisfy their greed.” While the House of Lords has released no official statement, one insider source reportedly hopes, “whoever moves in next door are more outgoing than those last boring gits.” Charles Deane

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This is actually a block of flats from Portsmouth, but MPs haven’t quite stooped that low yet.

Portillo hacks his own phone in desperate attempt to feel important

BOLD MOVE: TORIES CUT THEMSELVES FROM BUDGET

We could’ve gone for a frightfully horrific image, but went for one of Primark instead, as we’re nice like that.

Not Bringing Sexy Back Children are no longer allowed to be masqueraded as prostitutes or pimps, the government announced last night, amidst concerns that clothing for children is becoming too sexualised. The bold move, leaked earlier this month, means that girls are no longer allowed to wear padded two-piece swimsuits and diamante-encrusted pimp-sticks (available from Primark) are now to be sold in adult sizes only. The new measure is one of many the government plans to establish over the coming months. There is also a campaign in the planning stages to stop using the term “baby” as a term of endearment for a lover, as David Cameron has claimed: “If you think about it, it’s just sort of weird.” The de-sexualisation of children is just one of many family-values based initiatives the government are attempting to instigate. Although Ed Miliband came forward to accuse the party of “not being sexy enough”, the Conservatives were quick to point out that children not being sexy is something that every sane person can agree on and hence something no one could disagree with the policy and not look a little bit like a paedophile. In addition to not selling sexy clothing for children, the government has pledged to stop people wearing the wrong sort of clothing. Before being allowed to buy an item that proclaims the wearer is “Gorgeous” or jogging bottoms that claim that the wearer‟s behind is “Juicy”, an independent panel of judges, selected in a similar way to juries, will be installed in to shop changing-rooms and will be paid to jump out at people looking at and considering buying the offending clothing. A spokesperson claimed that: “wearing inappropriately labelled clothing is just false advertising and so this move is needed.” He declined to comment on whether Nick Clegg would now come under fire for wearing yellow inappropriately. Sairah Rehman

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In a shock move this afternoon, Cameron and his jolly Tory boys moved to cut themselves from the budget this afternoon. The Prime Minister, speaking to the press while packing a suitcase with tweed, stated: “We’re cutting pretty much everything else, so why not us? What, did you think we are money grabbing elitists who’d rather drop the funding from life support machines than take the weight? Nonsense! It’s all for the good of the nation!” He promised to leave Number 10 as soon as he finds a strong enough spray to remove Brown from the cellar. The Lib Dems where set to inherit control of the government, before the news caused the majority of the minority to fall down dead in surprise. “They had no idea the Lib Dems could ever take over, ever” a weeping Nick Clegg was reported to say. “I just don’t know what to do, I was only in it for the free food.” Labour have, as usual, spoke out against the Tory move, labelling it “Thatcherism”, “A sign of inherent sexism and classism” and also “Silly”. The adorable cracker-eating Wallace/ Panda hybrid, Miliband, is set to become Prime Minister; horror grips the nation. Sam Partridge

CAMERON TO IMPOSE “WORD TAX”

Longer words will be taxed at a higher rate Yesterday David Cameron revealed his white paper on “word tax” as part of the coalition’s plans to abolish education and fractionally reduce the deficit. Mr Cameron believes that the new tax system would in fact be fairer on lower-income families. Under the new proposals words of greater length, more syllables and Latin origin will be taxed at a higher rate than shorter, commoner words, which the Prime Minister hopes will be favoured by shorter, commoner people. When questioned as to whether this would have a negative effect on social mobility and perpetuate an elitist education system, Mr Cameron laughed and punched a horse. When asked whether this would reduce the most disadvantaged people in society to resort to crudely pointing and grunting to communicate, Mr Cameron said: “That’s how things are anyway, isn’t it?” Our reporter attempted to interview a common farm hand on this issue, but he failed to communicate in Standard English, banging his head and fists on the table and bleating like an outraged goat. Edward Greenwood

Politics

Anarchist march “disorganised” – sociologists suspect inherent lack of leadership

NAKED

GEORGE OSBORNE RIDING A PIG THROUGH NEWMARKET CALLED “INSENSITIVE”

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has been reprimanded by the House of Commons for behaviour which was seen as “insensitive” to normal people. The Speaker of the House told our reporter: “One can respect his right to express his unfathomable happiness in his position of wealth, power and privilege, but it’s a bit hard on everyone else to see him is such high spirits.” Mr Osborne was reprimanded after riding naked on a giant pig through Newmarket on Thursday, laughing and throwing his excrement at pedestrians, in an event which Newsnight’s Jeremy Paxman has labelled “surreal and intense”. David Cameron, leader of the Conservatives, has announced to his Party that henceforth all jubilant naked pig riding was only to be done in the massive Naked Tory Pig-Riding Arena in Hampstead, a venue which he pointed out had already been designated for this purpose. “Times are hard enough for normal people at the moment without them cottoning on to how massively lucky we all are,” the Prime Minister observed, before tooting a bugle and setting fire to an insolent French waiter. Edward Greenwood

Georgey Osborne, Georgey Osborne, Riding on a pig, Georgey Osborne...

Alternative alternative voting? Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, has come under fire for his latest proposed alternative to the current voting system, which looks set to be put to a referendum this September. Clegg’s latest scheme, the Alternative Representative System of Election (ARSE), is officially targeted at creating a fairer system of voting in Britain, however opponents to the ARSE claim that he it is biased in favour of the Liberal Democrats, who would receive an estimated 89% of votes at the next general election, if the bill passes. Critics of the ARSE claim that such a system is intrinsically flawed because no one actually knows how to do Spearmans Rank Correlation Coefficient as it is “dull as shit and totally pointless.” However this is not the only problem many people have with the ARSE; as one voter pointed out: “How do we know what kind of zombies we’re dealing with? Fast or slow?” In response to the ARSE, David Cameron has stated that he is working on his own alternative system, the TURD, although at this stage there are no further details than this, except that it will be called the Fair Representation Act (FRA). Tim Godfrey

Politics

For anyone uncertain as to what exactly this new system of voting would entail, The Lemon Press has written a comprehensive summary of the voting system under the ARSE: •

All nominees for candidacy must formulate and present an adequate Zombie Apocalypse survival strategy, detailing both how they will successfully survive and how they will ensure the survival of at least 51% of the constituency. The judging panel should include at least three LARPers and four Games Workshop staff members.

•

Each candidate will be given a 50 mark paper on the Clegg family history, to be marked by Nick Clegg. Scores under 45 will result in immediate disqualification.

•

Voters and Candidates will then be asked to rank 30 wallpapers according to preference, which will then be used to assign votes using Spearmans Rank Correlation Coefficient, the first time it has ever been used outside a statistics classroom.

•

The top 100 candidates will then have an egg and spoon race. The winner gets to be Prime Minister and gets a free go on the Tombola.

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Jeffrey Archer to host guest lecture on popular Radio 4 show in administrative mix-up

Obama’s car halted by “terrorist ramp”

President vows “never to visit his ancestors again” after terrifying ordeal American President Barack Obama has accused Irish paramilitary terrorists of employing a “strategically perilous ramp” outside of the United States Embassy in Dublin. The President’s bulletproof, soundproof and implicitly terrorist-proof Cadillac awkwardly straddled the offending ramp, putting the President’s life in danger for nearly two minutes.

Cameron Coiffure Costs Causes Concern Do you feel outraged? You should, after recent news that Prime Minister David Cameron has spent £680,000 of tax payer’s money on refurbishing no.10 since being elected in 2010. We have an exclusive and comprehensive breakdown of what exactly Cameron has been splashing the cash on:

The president’s new local

Fortunately, the President and his wife Michelle were travelling in a back-up car behind said Cadillac, in what is believed to have been a Volkswagen Polo sedan. Secretary of Terrorist Security Brick R. Hoffermeier said: “Our aides measured the ramp before our arrival. Twenty-eight centimetres. We arrive, and this happens. We measure again today, and it’s thirty-one centimetres. We’re not stupid; tarmac can’t just grow like that!” CCTV footage from outside the embassy clearly shows that the ramp was not interfered with by any party, forcing Hoffermeier to retract his earlier statement. Instead, he stated his newfound belief that somebody had used “slow-acting growth tarmac” which expands upwards when water is added, surmising that the terrorists utilised forecasts of a damp and dreary morning.

-Installation of hair salon/beauty parlour (inc. accommodation for 3 permanent stylists) - £204,000 -Gold plated statue of David Cameron’s fine head of hair - £180,000 -Emergency Wig Emporium - £154,000 -Storage space for Brylcream- £48,000 Several critics ask how all this can be justified, while Cameron’s supporters insist that the refurbishments were essential to “ensure the continued impeccability of the Prime Minister’s hair”. Indeed, many critics have since conceded that “David Cameron’s splendid mane is the pride of this nation. No other head of state has such a well maintained coiffure.” Asked to comment on the matter, Mr Cameron is reported to have stated: “Because I’m worth it.” Tim Godfrey

Inside sources have used the media to point to terrorist organisation Irish Roadworks Army (the IRA) as the culprits of the attack. Despite a chequered history of blockades, stingers and tampered traffic lights, the IRA has strenuously denied any involvement in the incident. Spokesman Robert Sands retorted: “Slow-acting tarmac ramps? Really? We’re better than that. If we wanted to get Obama, we’d have used landmines or IEDs. Or a pedantic traffic warden.” Obama is said to be privately furious about the incident. The Presidential party was due to frequent a local Moneygall pub to sample a politically significant pint of Guinness. However, because of the chaos, the event was postponed, and the President had to walk an extra fifteen metres to the nearest drinking establishment. Yemen President Saleh suffers stubbed toe in rebel attack Under fire leader in a “serious and unstable condition” according to Saudi physicians Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh is being treated in a Saudi hospital after sustaining serious injuries in an attack on the presidential palace by disenchanted rebels. Photos have surfaced of the harassed looking president being bundled into a waiting ambulance with his foot swathed in bloodied bandages. The injured foot,

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deduced by many political commentators to be his left one, was downplayed by Yemeni officials in an official statement. However, an ex-official’s unofficial account of events has shed light on the situation. “The president heard shelling and gunfire, and instinctively ran from the drawing room. In attempting to escape, he tripped on his novelty “Praise Allah” doormat and stubbed his toe on an ivory coffee table” he informed us. “It actually occurred approximately five hours before the shelling commenced- nobody warned

him that one of his aides would be watching The A-Team at full volume on the widescreen television in the presidential suite. But don’t tell anyone I told you.” Saudi doctors believe that the “grave nature” of the injury may have serious implications. According to Dr. Abdul Al-Jafreznah, “his condition is tenuous and painfully unstable. If he can’t walk on the left foot a little and continues to lean towards the right, he’ll just go in circles. It could be the end for him.” Craig Dobson

Greg Dyke takes out superinjunction to protect anonymity amidst “sex zebra” allegations Greg Dyke takes out superinjunction to protect anonymity amidst “sex zebra” allegations

I’M ON FIRST NAME TERMS WITH THE BOUNCERS AT BOHEMIA.

I’M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON.

I WON’T MAKE SWEET LOVE TO MY PARTNER UNLESS BLOODHOUND GANG, ‘THE BAD TOUCH’ IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

MY DIARIES READ LIKE A CLASSIC JACKIE COLLINS NOVEL.

OH, THE PUBLIC TRANSPORT TALES I COULD TELL YOU!

Lifestyle

EVEN THAT THING ABOUT THAT GUY’S PENIS? DADDY’S LAWYER IS THE BEST!

I’VE PULLED MORE EXPENSES SCAMS THAN [UNAMED FOOTBALLER] HAS EXBB CONTESTANTS.

I’M JUST LOOKING AFTER THIS STUFF FOR A MATE, I SWEAR!

SERIOUSLY, CHESS GAMES CAN GET REALLY OUT OF HAND!

DON’T FLATTER YOURSELF

CHICKS DIG TALES OF COMBINED VOMITING AND HOMOEROTICISM!

OH, MY NEW CHAUFFEURDRIVEN CAR? YES I, ER, PAY FOR THAT ENTIRELY OUT OF MY, ER, OWN POCKET… AHEM.

MY FRIENDS CALL ME ‘LAKE WATER’; THE CHICKS ARE ALL OVER ME!

WHAT HAPPENS ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR.

I’VE BEEN INVOLVED IN MANY TOTALLY ABOVEBOARD BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS WITH A CERTAIN V.C.

MY, MY, OFFICER, YOU’RE LOOKING HANDSOME TONIGHT…

I COULD SHOW YOU CORNERS OF THE LIBRARY YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED…

I REALLY NEED TO GET THAT VIDEO OFF YOUTUBE…

SO, WEATHER’S NICE TODAY…

MY SCHEDULE’S FULLER THAN THE LOCAL PRIMARK BEFORE A GYPSY WEDDING.

MMM, PROFESSOR’S LOOKING FIIINE TODAY…

A HACKSAW ISN’T REALLY A WEAPON.

I DON’T WANT, ANYBODY ELSE, WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, I… GET A BIT WEEPY.

NO. VISION COULD USE THAT FOR A SERIOUSLY MEDIOCRE FRONT-PAGE STORY!

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WAIT… WHAT… HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!

ALL THAT STORAGE SPACE IN MY VANBRUGH PALACE ROOM HAS REALLY COME IN HANDY FOR HIDING MY SECRET LOVE CHILD…

I DIDN’T CAVE HIS FACE IN THAT MUCH …

BUT HE TOLD ME ALL THE INTERVIEWEE S HAD TO DO THAT…

YES. PLEASE. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT…

Idiot-proof instructions; byinstructions; idiots, for idiots Idiot-proof by idiots, for idiots

Dear Aunty Raz Dear Aunty Raz, I have settled upon your somewhat esteemed publication to air my grievances with my former department. After 17 years of dedicated service I have been crudely tossed aside like an undeserving undergraduate. Throughout my tenure I have slaved long and hard on various research projects, contributing book after book, and generally bolstering the reputation of this university, and for what?! One tiny mistake and my career is over. It wasn’t even that big a deal. And

Dear Aunty Raz, Professors AND first years? You’ve trampled on my heart one too many times; consider us over! Your EX-lover.

anyway, she told me she’d already graduated. Lewd behaviour, my arse! Well, this is getting pretty awkward… Aunty Raz .

Anonymous Professor.

Dear “Anonymous Professor”, I told you nothing of the sort! Love Aunty Raz x.

Dear Aunty Raz, I was wondering if you could offer some practical advice on maintaining a

Dear Aunty Raz, You told me we were an exclusive item! Who the hell is this “Anonymous Professor”?!

healthy love-life whilst at university. Yours truly, H.S.

First-year English Literature student.

Dear “First-year English Literature student”, I told you nothing of the sort! Aunty Raz x.

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Dear “H.S.”, Due to extenuating circumstances, “Aunty Raz” has unfortunately had to take early retirement. Please keep an eye out for a reply to your query in our next issue. The Editors.

HELLO JONATHAN, DON’T THINK WE CAN’T SEE YOU

LEMON CAMPUS FIVE (REAL) FEMALE SEX FANTASIES ON

MEET THE DRESS LIKE STAR virginity AGetPORN the perfect look to attract attention around SELLERS campus (No joke here, people do this)

Do you ever find yourself staring at girls in lectures, or sat in a bush looking through their bedroom window, or in Courtyard behind a newspaper with holes cut out for eyes? Do you ever wonder what you could do to please these beautiful creatures? Well now you can find out...

FOOD IN THE BEDROOM

No men, just food. A jar of Nutella and a spoon will do.

FOREPLAY

A QUICKY

I‟ll lie here, you get it over with as quickly as possible.

GOING SOLO

Of any kind, ever... Please?

No sex, not with myself or anyone else. I‟ll just sleep.

SEX

I‟m not getting any, so any sex is an upgrade.

IS EXAM STRESS MAKING YOU A BITCH? Yes.

YOUR SAY

Who’s your guilty sex crush? “Myself!” Bryony Holleran, 19, Politics/ Sociology, University of York “Bryony Holleran” Jonathan Cridford, Sociology 20, University of York “Anyone” Lemon Press writer, 18-21, Humanities, University of York

HOW TO KEEP HIM On Nights Out THINKING OF YOU? You wish you could spend all your time with him, but he sometimes manages to sneak off when you’re asleep or in the shower. Short of never sleeping or showering, here are the tried and tested ways that you can keep him thinking of you when you’re not there.

On Facebook

It‟s official, no , better, it‟s facebook official. Okay, so you may have gone on his account when he was out of the room and finally accepted that relationship request you‟ve been sending him, but he was going to get round to it anyway. There you are, on the left hand side of his page as a constant reminder that he is yours, but something‟s not right, it just doesn‟t feel enough. So the best thing to do is to create a fake facebook profile with a really attractive girl pictured and flirt away. If he reciprocates the feelings, you pretend it never happened, because you can‟t do much better than him anyway.

Lifestyle

Lads‟ nights out are the worst, temptation is grinding itself against your man‟s leg constantly. To keep him thinking of you, make sure you keep in constant contact with him. Text every five minutes, and when he doesn‟t reply ring him. No answer? That‟s fine, make sure to leave a tearful message about how you hate him for doing this to you. Still no reply? Why not head out to the club, you know where he‟s going, right? Bribe the DJ to announce your presence and wait for the look on his face once he realises you‟re there. It‟s definitely worth it.

Home Alone

Wait until he is home alone, you‟ll know when he is, you‟ve been sat in your car outside his house for three days. Give him a call, be sure to block your number. Him not knowing who you are will add to the mystery. Then say nothing, just breathe into the handset. Once he gets nice and freaked out introduce a bit of dirty talk. My personal favourite is „what‟s your favourite scary movie‟. He‟ll always be thinking of you after this.

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Addict describes visit by Wonder Woman as “not what I meant when I asked for super heroin”

Lonely Hearts Send yours to

Ellen Larson & Jamie Gallimore

Man unable to find a date in real life hopes that taking out an ad in the newspaper will interest some woman who is reckless enough to set up a date with a complete stranger. Courtyard bartender seeks any woman willing to flirt back with him at bar. Stop ignoring me! York St. John student seeks York Uni student to take to cousin’s wedding. I lied to my parents that I was dating someone smart. Lancaster rugby lad seeks York rugby lad. We met in a scrum, you touched my bum, yum!

Sweet, charming, monogamous bisexual seeks literally anyone. Live action role-player seeks a woman who will be seen in public with him. Girl with big boobs seeks comfortable, well fitting bra for reduced back pain, maybe more. Are you looking for a good time? Look no further! I’ve got a new digital watch and it keeps time real good. Student looking for actually quiet study space

A page of someone’s diary we found on the floor I like to plan each day out, here’s tomorrow: - Get up. - Go to window. Shout ‘GOOD MORNING WORLD!!’ until made to stop by porters. - Use black marker pen on hand to try and make it look like i was at willow last night and not at home with my ear cupped against my housemate’s room wall trying to maybe hear some action. - Decide against white t-shirt with jam stain. Decide on black t-shirt with toothpaste stain. - Look in windows of all-female flat to see if they are all okay. If any of them are getting changed pay special attention to make sure they are doing so safely. -Put iPod earphones in and hit play. Go knock on flatmates door, get mad and act like the loud music is coming from his room - and so early in the morning! Do a big wacky smile he’ll realise how funny it is this time. - Go to bus stop. - Go to correct bus stop. - Go to lecture. - If it is a nice or rainy or snowy day, walk the scenic way home; the one that goes past my ex girlfriend Linda’s house. - Get something stuck in shoe, painful. Walk slowly past Linda’s house. - Stop by primary school. Challenge kids to a who-is-taller contest. Be gracious in victory. - Go to correct lecture. - Attempt to start a sing-along during boring part. - Throw popcorn from back row. - Field questions on where I got the popcorn from, what I think I’m doing and what exactly my problem is.

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Dominique Strauss-Kahn to host guest lecture on fondling this evening in V/045; female PPE students only

Comment

University of York students debate about the recent sex survey

(CRAIG DOBSON …but shh, we didn’t tell you)

IS NOBODY IN YORK GETTING ANY?

I hope somebody out there is getting some…

Yes, we came bottom of a sex survey. Last week’s Nouse contained an article about the survey a few pages in, confirming my suspicion that they aren’t getting any either; they didn’t sound too surprised by the news. York is apparently awful for your sex life, with survey participants averaging a ball-achey 3.4. The studiousness of York has been implicated in relation to our frustration, even though we’ve been outsexed by Cambridge, Oxford, UCL and Imperial. In addition, Cambridge researchers conducted a survey where they found that 15% of their students had been involved in group sex. Perhaps the repressed nature of Cambridge is inducing the students to get their freak on after class? Is more pressure the answer for York students; or less pressure to allow time for back waxes/fixing your water bra with a bike tyre patch kit?

Yes, I was one of the thirty-five who took part in the sex survey. I am happy to hold my hands up (under the guise of anonymity) and say that I may be at least in part to blame for the low score. They told me to be honest, stressing that nobody would judge me, and that it was purely for research purposes. So I was honest. Brutally honest. I assumed that I would have to include negative figures for every time that I’ve literally run, cycled or crawled away from the prospect of sex. On reflection, stating my number of sexual partners as minus four may have affected the overall average of the University.

Neither. I suspect the conclusions drawn are skewed by the fact that students answering random surveys are likely to be alone with their laptop (post porn and bored), while the student with a more fulfilling sex life are, well, busy getting some. I can’t even contemplate the frustrations of people who make surveys about sex instead of having it. Or those who report on people making surveys about sex. Damn.

Last week’s Nouse was apparently embarrassing for the university, since students here are, on average, only sleeping with one partner per year. DO YOU REALISE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?! I’d give my left arm for one sexual partner a year. A fair trade-off, I think, even if it would mean learning to write, eat and text with my right hand. Oh well. Back to that dark room to complete my reconstruction of Green Zone Act One on Minecraft. If that doesn’t get me laid, nothing will.

The Lemon Press Summer Poll

Introducing…

THE WHEELLESS WHEELCHAIR

We asked a very small minority of students how they’re spending their summer holidays so that we can make assumptions on how everyone is spending their holidays: Resisting the urge to kick a duck Kicking ducks Digging ineffectual wells in Africa Working off student debt in porn industry Losing all my bank cards at a festival Resitting my exams

For the disabled person sick of always getting pushed around.

Lifestyle

Locked in Ziggy's

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Man dyes self purple after drinking too much Kool-Aid Man dyes self purple after drinking too much Kool-Aid

! ! Y Y T T R R A PPA

Why with your your own own Lemon Lemon Press Why not not celebrate celebrate the the end end of of exams exams and and the the onset onset of of summer summer with Press themed themed party? A party? A “Lemon“Lemon Party”Party” if you if will. No, wait, that. not that. you will. No,not wait, not Definitely that. Definitely not Dear that. God Dearno. God no.

Lemon Cheesecake 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Pimm's with Lemon

Brush a cake tin with butter and add a circle of greaseproof paper. Crush some digestive biscuits. Decide you can't be bothered making a Lemon Cheesecake. Go to Morrisons. Buy a Lemon Cheesecake. Serve.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Buy Pimm's. Remember that Pimm's tastes awful. Return Pimm's to shop. Buy Corona. Add a slice of lemon to Corona. (I know you're supposed to use lime but this is a LEMON Press party, not some sort of crazy LIME Press party. The Lime Press. What a stupid name.) 6. Remember too late that Corona also tastes awful, but you've already put a slice of lemon in all the bottles so you can't return them. 7. Screw it. 8. Serve.

Sherbet Lemons 1. Buy sherbet lemons. 2. Buy more sherbet lemons for when you inevitably eat the sherbet lemons in advance. 3. Serve.

Lemonade

1. Man up. 2. Drink some Corona instead.

Lemon Curd 1. Look up what Curd is. 2. Decide it's not worth the effort. 3. Get some more sherbet lemons

Lemsip 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Buy some Lemsip. Realise you've got the blackcurrant one instead. Wonder why blackcurrant Lemsip still has Lem in the title. Realise Blacksip sounds vaguely racist. Decide to screw it and just serve more Corona.

Smoked Salmon 1. 2. 3. 4.

Find a brown bear. Wait until it catches some salmon. Kill the bear with your BARE hands. Write down that joke so you can tell it at your party. 5. Smoke the salmon. 6. Serve with lemon.

University of York Chancellor and Lemon Press veteran, Greg Dyke

Pictured: University of York Chancellor and Lemon Party veteran Greg Dyke

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‘cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then that’s perfectly fine because neither do I really

Chas confirmed as headline act at Summer Ball Organisers “understand student disappointment” at not being able to afford compatriot Dave YUSU has confirmed that its popular third-term Summer Ball will be headlined by Cockney rock-n-roll star Charles Hodges, better known to the public as Chas, of Chas & Dave fame. YUSU Democracy and Services Officer Dan Walker was “pleased” to have snared one half of the talented duo, but understood that potential attendees would be disappointed by Dave’s absence. “Truth be told, we simply could not afford both of them, so we tossed a coin and went for Chas,” admitted Walker.

Kevin McCallister arrested on voluntary manslaughter charges after victim succumbs to “prank-based violence” Tributes pour in for reformed businessman and philanthropist Marv Merchants World-famous vigilante and former rascal Kevin McCallister is due to stand trial this afternoon after Marv Merchants died of an aneurysm last week, purportedly due to injuries sustained when in the former child star’s presence. McCallister, now thirty years old, was arrested by officers whilst at his home in Chicago. “It took a while to get him; he’s never at home. He has a suspicious knack for getting lost at just the right time,” said the apprehending officer. Mr. Merchants’ business partner Harry Lyme, co-owner of Sticky Bandits Ltd., said that he firmly believes his partner’s death was linked to their two violent encounters with Mr. McCallister in 1990 and 1992. “The coroner has said that there’s no way of telling which specific brick, paint can, metal bar, iron or electrocution caused the aneurysm, but it had to be one of them. Nobody can sustain that sort of blunt head trauma,” lamented Lyme, a reformed convict-turned-stockbroker. “With the singed hair and the chicken feathers, I got off lightly in comparison. Rest in peace, Merv.”

Promotional material adorning the walls of Derwent College

Arctic Monkeys embrace Southern Rock

Following the recent release of their fourth album “Suck it and See”, ever-popular indie-rockers Arctic Monkeys embarked on a low-key tour. Their first in complete sobriety, they soon fell upon a town called Cambridge. Weaving their coach through the narrow streets, the air was stricken with a word of unknown origin. Everywhere they turned there it was…‟THE”. Bassist Nick O’Malley says: “That were, beginning of it all, musically I think. “Fact that you could stick this other word before words…it was like “wow”, y’know?‟

Whilst McCallister, a full-time social worker with children, vowed to clear his name, the prosecution firmly believe that the conviction will stick. “Thanks to John Hughes, we have over four hours of documented footage of the numerous attacks. He’ll do ten to fifteen for this, at least.” McCallister‟s family were unavailable for comment and are believed to be totally unaware of the situation, having flown off on holiday to Europe without him.

The band began immersing themselves in an alien culture of grass, terdless rivers and lawn-bowls, guitars now flow steady as a punt, leaving behind their jerky “Corsa with a knackered fan belt” sounds of yesteryear. Frontman Alex Turner coherently added “course we’ll ‘ave t’make the guitars softer, more Southern like, y’know”. Several demos have already been leaked; one track - “Call me Gideon” - sees them dealing with issues experienced everyday by their new-found fans; repeatedly embracing the colour of the sky, watching football with their shirt on and reciting poetry to their steady-girlfriends over supper. Elsewhere “Can’t down ‘em like I used to” moves through several lyrical themes; whether pussying out of the yard of ale, not raising your voice at passers-by or sitting cross-legged on the green drinking tea and barley-water. Their road manager observed: “The lads are taking things very seriously - doing the sudoku in the local newspapers; Alex is even courting a girl with a double-barrelled surname.” Jonathan Cridford

Entertainment

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Latest Sylvester Stallone revenge film postponed indefinitely due to “paucity of hot womens”

Teenage Bernard’s Watch Teen 1: Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask: do you know what’s the deal with that weird clock Bernard is always carrying around with him? Teen 2: Actually I’ve been thinking about this: do you ever notice weird things happening around him? Teen 1: How do you mean? Teen 2: Remember when we were 7 and Bernard forgot his birthday gift for you? And then suddenly he was handing it to you? Or when that other schools football team dived in the cup final and then their penalty went over the bar in a way that defied the laws of physics? Teen 1: It kind of went straight up vertically in midflight. Teen 2: Yeah. And then the weird stuff stopped for years, about the time he lost the clock. Teen 1: You’re right. Then it came back. Teen 2: With the spate of mystery pregnancies! Alice swore she was saving herself until marriage. One thing they all had in common: Bernard seemed kind of into them. Teen 1: He’s been looking at meThey freeze for minutes on end

The Week in Film Reviewer Jonathan Cridford looks at this week’s offerings, now showing at your local multiplex / illegal streaming website City of Right-Angles - **** Nicolas Cage is back for this straight-edged thriller. Set in Milton Keynes, architect Larry Spline (Cage) is exposed for connections with the Pentagon and of course, obligatory marital crises - charged with harming his spouse with batteries. Fleeing the city, he meets the beautiful Nell (Meg Ryan, Penelope Cruz or Elizabeth Shue) and asks her for coffee, only to discover they have already dated in other, similar scenarios. This is rudimentary Cage: scenes of coffee, whimsy and impressive gormlessness, with the supporting actress’s knack for getting hit by oncoming vehicles. Riding Against the Wind - **** One ordinary man’s quest to purchase a newspaper on a Sunday and in true Costner style becomes 3 hour battle against bombastic camera work. Having overslept significantly, our protagonist has until 1pm to reach the newsagent. A terrible headwind and a rusting drive-train on his bicycle to not deter from trademark Costner stern-faced seriousness, and the unusual flavours of fizzy drink, Turkish-brand biscuits and discount bathroom cleaner bring the South Harrow to this production. Despite this, there is much ambiguity surrounding Costner‟s ability to handle small-change transactions, crying “Do you yield?” repeatedly. Much credit must be given to the director, as only a panorama from Ridley Scott could fit all 17 flavours of Rubicon into a single frame. Seeing Nowhere Boy - **** Thomas Sangster (Paul McCartney) appears in this heart-warming tale of a wannabe musician born deaf, dumb and blind. Criticised by his manager, his struggling mother pleading him to “break a leg” for some income, he does…both in fact. With his musical career all but over, an Oscar is surely in the post. While McCartney‟s attempts to eat a yoghurt are convincing enough, the script‟s lack of vision prevent the cast from standing on their own.

Teen 1: (then, differently) ...a bit lately. Teen 2: What’s up? Teen 1: I feel like stuff is different... “down there”. Teen 3: (entering) Oh My God, I was just talking with Alex and he was making fun of Bernard’s sweater... suddenly, I dunno. We’ve called an ambulance. Teen 2: What’s going on? Teen 3: Do you think Doctors know how to remove a man’s head from his own buttocks? David Spriggs

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Nouse’s secret footballer revealed to be Alcuin love rat Brian Griggs

Where it was won and lost Riding

The riding event began promisingly for the hosts, as the Lancastrians struggled to mount their steeds in the correct manner, capsizing their horses in the river Lune. However, Lancaster University Vice-Chancellor Paul Wellings allowed his forces to use his privately owned, publicly funded jet to get to the competition before their Yorkshire counterparts. By contrast, York ViceChancellor Brian Cantor bemoaned his university’s inability to beat their rivals to the field despite being 118 miles closer, lamenting: “We tried our hardest to get there first, but most of our buses were busy mowing down cyclists near campus or shuttling lazy students to supermarkets.”

Archery

The first meaningful event of the tournament saw York’s archers take an instant advantage, having deployed at the top of University Road, giving Lancaster’s counterparts little chance of ascending the steep bank without taking heavy losses. The skirmish was made all the easier for York by Lancastrian incompetence, after the travellers left all of their arrows on the jet. York easily repelled the shower of coins, twigs and pens; their return volleys of bodkin point and broadhead arrows did significantly more damage. What was left of Lancaster’s infantry survived only by cowering in the hardto-reach Law section of the J.B. Morrell Library.

Fencing

In a hard-fought contest, the University of York, led on the battlefield by Thomas Skingle, 1st Duke of Cambridgeshire, clashed with Lancastrian forces in a skirmish now known as “The Battle of Twenty-Two Acres”. The engagement, which featured fifteen trained fencers and up to six hundred menat-arms per side, started well for York’s fencers, with supporting fencer Tarquin Jones impressing in the field. The 4th Earl of Essex scored a number of points in the sabre and epée disciplines, before both fencing teams were massacred by burly men wielding actual weapons. The home side eventually claimed the battlefield, as Lancaster’s papier mache weapons were no match for York’s Lord of the Rings broadswords and axes, courtesy of the walled city’s very own high street replica armoury.

Running

The running event immediately followed the fencing. The Lancastrian foes, morale shattered, egos bruised and clothes inexplicably shed, took to flight. With their mode of transportation barely 1500m away, their sprinters started well, but faded badly, getting caught in the chasing White Rose pack. Expert distance runner Handley, with his small group of actual athletes, looked to have escaped with just one length of the field to go. Sam Asfahani III had other ideas. The American Footballer did not need to trade his sporting kingdom for a horse; his Centurions picked off the fleeing enemies one by one, before captain marvel himself sacked Handley just metres from the endzone, gleefully ripping off his legs and arms to secure a memorable victory for York. Illustrations by Olivia Waring

Sport

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Lord Triesman bribedbribery by FA by to suggest bribery by other FAs: “Too little tooCommittee late” says World Cup Lord Triesman bribed by FA to suggest other FAs: “Too little too late” says World Cup Committee

PRESIDENCY CANDIDATES

In the wake of Sepp Blatter’s shock unanimous re-election, The Lemon Press looks at alternatives for the hottest dictatorial position in world football

Bernard Madoff

5 / 10

(Ratings not based on amount of money donated to The Lemon Fund by applicants)

A stock broker and financial adviser for over thirty years, Madoff would bring a wealth of experience to the role. A great many have testified that he is “good with money”, whilst under oath and in front of a District Court in Manhattan. Indifferent to all sports, Madoff is thought to be a strong candidate for the role; the only stumbling block is believed to be his prison sentence. A number of FIFA delegates are hopeful that he will run for the position upon his release in 2139.

Auric Goldfinger The jovial, red-haired entrepreneur is an outsider for the role, despite his previous experience as secretary of SMERSH and as a successful businessman in his own right. His monopoly of the gold market has already secured the Middle Eastern vote, whilst his base in Switzerland is a mere stone’s throw away from FIFA’s headquarters in Zurich. Some FIFA delegates have doubts over his suitability for the role, with those in Britain raising concerns about his relentless and often violent pursuit of Tottenham Hotspur assistant manager Kevin Bond.

Prerequisites: - Male, preferably between the age of 60 and 90 - Potential shareholder in Middle Eastern business ventures - At home with the phrases “untrue”, “legitimate” and “special gift” - Averse to change - Proponent of a sexy brand of misogynism - Little to no prior knowledge of football

Gordon Brown Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath’s resident MP, Brown has the backing of Lord Triesman, Noel Edmonds and Ed Miliband, to name but a few. His poor public appearances and negative views of bigoted women are firmly in line with recent FIFA hallmarks. It is widely believed that the Scotsman would have few qualms about taxing the poorer, less developed footballing nations, like Liechtenstein and the Republic of Ireland. The main concern is that his upstanding morals, combined with his tendency to run economic structures into the ground, would not go down well with one of the world’s richest sporting bodies.

8 / 10

The Incumbent The alternative to the alternative, so still an alternative of sorts. After thirteen years in the position, who knows the art of bribery, scandal and disputed corruption better than Sepp Blatter? Furthermore, re-electing Blatter is far easier than replacing all of the plaques, paperwork, promotional materials and precedents.

IMF CANDIDATES: Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

6 / 10

12 / 10

See above. Replace all instances of the word “football” with “finance”.

Man wakes up with hands on wrong arms; dyslexic surgeon to blame

Twitter Outrage over Revolution Facebook Relationship Status to Become Automatically Decided Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg yesterday announced that from next Tuesday the relationship status of everyone’s Facebook profile would henceforth be the product of a “totally neat algorithm”. The creepy and borderline rapey ultra-nerd made the controversial announcement in a press release otherwise filled with boring changes to the terms of service, such as Facebook’s new official policy of photoshopping swastikas into everyone’s profile pictures, “just in case”.

“It’s perfectly simple,” the dead-eyed man-child intoned. “Where before you had some degree of autonomy over who you were allegedly in a relationship with, married to, or desperately clinging on to fill the void of your adult life, from now on it will all be decided by a huge purpose- built data centre. No more will you have the worry of choosing who to pursue out of your extended social circle. Instead, we’ll choose for you a series of temporary life partners based on combined advertising potential, amount of time spent suspiciously flicking through beach photos of each other, and which lame bands you’re both fanatic about. Then, when your rate of posting on each other’s walls is judged to have fallen below a certain romance minimum – or maybe just when our engineers get bored of the way your ‘sexy’ messages always involve the same tired adjectives – we’ll break you up and find you new people to send Farmville Gifts to and whatnot!” “And that’s not all,” he added, though few among the witless crowd of twittering journos were listening. “Absolute control over the romantic events in your life has given us exciting new opportunities for marketing that the whole team’s really pumped about. From now on, when you send a booty call notification to that girl you barely know but who’s been told to accept you by the pitiless data-fondling of the machines, if you don’t buy Facebook branded condoms from the sidebar ads, you’re not even getting the pathetically hollow amount of human contact you’ve been allocated. Finally been granted permission to breed by the algorithm’s calculation of maximum snivelling, advertising-revenue-earning offspring? You’d better make sure we have your credit card details on file and a power of attorney to buy you a Mafia Wars pram, otherwise boom! Impotence. Yeah, we can do that.” Tom Keefe

Science & Technology

Twits the world over were reportedly outraged yesterday after a revolutionaries in a small oil-rich Arab nation failed to use the hit social microblogging service to coordinate their stealthy and well-thought-out campaign to remove their theocratic dictator from power. Despite exhaustive research by this newspaper, involving reading nearly all trending topics on twitter, it appears that at the time of going to press not a single bravely-worded but utterly inconsequential hashtag had been used by the courageous desperadoes intent on bringing liberty to where there had been none before. “It's an outrage,” regular twazzock, social media expert and microraconteur Dave Suburbanite (author of such oft- retweeted gems as “I like TV #thingsilike” and “mmm pizza #eatingstuff”) told The Lemon Press. “It appears that the people of this small, beautiful yet war-torn country I couldn't find on a map have had the gall to try and organize a revolution without, well, us!” “Don't they know,” he continued magnaminously, “that I have had not one, not two, but three of my excreably banal utterances quoted in a New York Times liveblog in a desperate attempt to make things in a far-off country of which we know little understandable to the little people such as yourself? It beggars belief that these grim men of action and justice have better things to do than set up twitter accounts for me to devour and regurgitate to my thousands of followers. They're only attempting to steal a country. It's not as if they have to decide whether their movement should be known as the #fuschiapinkpatriots or the #apricotavengers.” The situation worsened late last night after the revolutionaries finally released a statement following several days of intense fighting in and around the capital. “We appreciate it may be hard for you to understand,” it began, “but broadcasting every step of our intentions in 140-character spurts would not have been conducive to a successful revolution, particularly since our leader's account was being 'followed' by the ex-Ministry of Oppression. It's no big deal, he only used it, like, twice. Couldn't see the point, he says. It's a bit self-important, no? Anyway. We would respectfully suggest that it was not the tweets that made the difference in this war, but the people with guns.” Such a heinous suggestion has of course caused friction in the twitverse, and at time of press a hashtag campaign to #bombthoseungratefulbrownpeople had reached one million retweets, well over the limit required for it to become official government policy since the USA passed the Bloody Stupid Act of 2010. In the words of the official US Marine Corps Account, “We're coming, suckers! #funnydeclarationsofwar #roflmao”.

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Tom Keefe

Man shaves with Occam’s Razor; “Surprisingly blunt”

IMPACT POEMS BECAUSE FANCY FLORID SCRIPT FONTS ARE FOR SISSIES

EXAM WEEK I think that I shall never see Something as hideous as thee You are disruptive and uncouth (And deprive me of my youth) For you stare at me with angry eyes The thing to love and to despise I used to see in you everything I adore But I cannot see it any more My spirit is crushed – much like a biscuit To revise no more and just to risk it Or one final push and then Exam week is over, I put down my pen. SAIRAH REHMAN

A NIGHT TO FORGET The beauty of life, caught between two worlds A world of darkness and light Of crackers, of alcohol, of a sticky floor (And inexplicably, smoke) The small man gyrating alone Is this life? A small microcosm of existence, Between my skin and my sweat It beads, the room dances as I dance The music cries into my ears because there are Too many people in this room Too dark, a woman falls over The bouncer’s t-shirt is too tight, And the next day, my hand imprinted with the sign I <3 Willow. SAIRAH REHMAN

SUCH A SCIENTIST I chew a ballpoint pen, reclining In Harry Fairhurst’s finest sofacube. My ambidextrous hands poised, clutching a notepad. Calling out, ready to write. I sit, and I think. I doodle a cat. I ponder, I um, I ah. And it dawns on me: I don’t really understand the metre, the structure, or indeed, all that much about writing poems.

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. BUT I CAN’T. Last night was yet another night out. Got pissed and missed out On all those ladies sprout Like flowers anew in the street light They waver drunkenly out of sight. Be gone, I care not! as I wander off in the mood for a fight. Get beaten up, throw up, I’m a screw up, put your hands up, Back down again, where are my keys? Shit. What a night. NICHOLAS SAUL

JAMIE GALLIMORE

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Arts

Turning up at right time not good enough; must turn up on right day too, study finds

The Adventure of the Major’s Dancer It was with some relief that, following a particularly bleak winter, Holmes and I received an invitation to spend a month at a mutual acquaintance’s country residence. The season had failed to provide its accustomed goodwill and festive cheer and had instead evinced a barrenness of both weather and cases. The house in question was an impressive structure of early Georgian build, immediate enough to the Cornish coast to benefit from the hearty sea breeze but pleasantly removed from the nudist beach. Our invite came courtesy of one Major Tonkinson, a not inconsiderable man who could destroy fine wine, fine food and fine women with comparable enthusiasm. We had served together in Afghanistan, hence our association, whilst Holmes and the Major have corresponded habitually since the late 70s when the Major supplied cocaine to the vast majority of Cambridge students. I had heard the gardens were in an immaculate state and I was particularly optimistic to inspect some ornamental bushes at first hand. Holmes, having heard Irene Adler may be in the area, was expectant of something similar. Our stay settled into some semblance of a routine though the house was engaged with the frequent and peculiar comings and goings of young females, all, I would say, between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two. Without exception, their corsets were such that they augmented certain anatomical features. I made it my habit to note down in my journal the movements of these strange visitors all of whom arrived sometime after our evening port and could be seen leaving the grounds the following morning. I could not fathom where they spent the night for the Major’s house was in a state of redecoration thus only his bedroom and the two guestrooms, occupied by myself and Holmes, were habitable. I questioned Holmes on the subject but he was unconcerned with offering me a reply or, indeed, discussing anything other than Irene Adler and the discretion of local guest houses. Consequently, it came of no surprise to me when in the third week of our stay the Major rushed into my bedroom in some state of alarm. I sat up and woke the slumbering Holmes who had become averse to the temperature of his own bed and spent the night with me. At the Major’s request, we rushed to his bedchamber. “It’s gone!” exclaimed Major Tonkinson. “What has?” I asked. “It’s gone!” repeated the Major, adding nothing to our discourse. Holmes had moved to the dressing table and drew my attention to an area free of dust. “Major,” said Holmes, “I deduce the missing item was an ornament of medium size with a plinth-like base?” “Yes. Yes, it was a statuette of a dancer, a gift from my aunt. It was of considerable value.” “And Major, I have not heard you make your toilet yet this morning. Is that the case?” “Well, yes. But I don’t see …” “I would suggest,” interrupted Holmes, “that the noises I heard emitting from your chambers last night implied some excitement. I trust you had once again acquired some company and that she, somewhat taken by the thrusting nature of your statuette, decided to employ it in a non-ornamental role. No doubt the figure has her hands raised above her head, as with a cathedral spire, and is at this moment causing you some physical discomfort. “I would suggest the calling of a doctor,” concluded Holmes. We left the Major swiftly for, in our haste, we had neglected to dress.

Arts

Tom Taylor