Part of this issue has been computergenerated.
Editors' Introduction
Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes
A message to the young, scrawny hopeful holding this magazine: yes, you, clammy-handed, still a little nervous even at the end of freshers’ week, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. By standing here, holding this magazine, and opening it, you have made your first wise choice. Yes, we are contractually obliged (hi YUSU!) to confirm that by picking York as your desired university destination you have made a Good Call, but – if we can be candid, for a moment – it is only now, and here, that you are going down the right road for the first time in your short but drawn-out life. If you should make a further decision to continue turning these top quality cheap-aschips wafer-thin pages, and peruse Issue 33 of this fine and worthy publication, The Lemon Press, you will continue to make wise decisions. To be honest, some of our content may seem a little niche: a little crazed, a little sad (for us), but it is what it is. If you don’t like it, then firstly, go to hell, and secondly: you’re more than welcome to come along to our meetings and get involved. (Again, we have to say that. Artistic integrity is dead. Capitalism rules. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Please pay us £5.)
The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Izzy Palmer and Henry Dyer
Deputy Editors: Marvin Drury and Lucy Finnighan Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace)
If you want to know a little more about Genu-ine Good-Quality Satire™, read further on and submerge yourself in our masterpiece – one of many, of course. If you want to know a little more about the society, then dally a moment while we paint you a little picture. Firstly, it’s important to remember that (although the chair may think he runs this town) the editors reign supreme. We have an all-consuming and magnanimous power, and hold the ability to make or break any budding member’s journalistic dreams. Yet, never fear: we’re really very charming people. The whole society loves us! There’s actually no need to offer any more information, as we already deign to credit the active crew in the next column. Really rather benevolent of us, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
Campus Editors: Lucy Finnighan and Stella Kiratzi News & Politics Editors: Ellie Grana and Dom Starke Lifestyle Editor: Hal Bowden Science & Tech Editors: Dan McKinnon and Terri Wang Arts Editors: Marvin Drury and Gregory Waddell Features Editors: Harry Jinks and Callum Sharp Sports Editors: Clara Colombet and Doina Cressevich
Illustrators: Sid Leigh (Front Cover and Various), Pasky Miranda (Back Cover), and Taghreed Ayaz (Various)
President: Myles Dunnett Treasurer: Alex Campbell Secretary: Leusa Lloyd
Izzy Palmer and Henry Dyer
Should We Drown Our Editors? YOU DECIDE!
To vote simply fill an envelope with either: A printed copy of your favourite article from The Tab (if you want to vote to drown them) or Some spare change (if you want to vote to spare them) Then, simply forward your envelope to: The Lemon Press Behind Vision's Office Grimston House YO10 5DD (The Vanbrugh porters will be more than happy to help you forward your vote)
pp 3‐8 pp 9‐13 pp 14‐17 pp 18 pp 19‐23 pp 24‐28 pp 29 pp 30
Vice-President: Gregory Waddell Deputy Treasurer: Doina Cressevich Social Secretary: Ellie Grana
Ordinary Members: Hal Bowden and Pasky Miranda
Contributors: Stephen Harper and Louis Jani
Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 25th September 2017.
Remember, our editors’ lives are in YOUR HANDS so make that vote count!
You're in for a real treat with this one.
Contents
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Headers needed; please comment below.
The Union
Brethren,
In this new era of transparency and open corruption, we, the honourable masters of the ancient and (ig)noble York University Syndicated Union criminal mob have decided to write to you, our partners and partners-to-be, in this equally esteemed publication to inform you as to our actions. Firstly, we pay homage to the previous leaders of our organisation, who all tragically perished falling into an industrial woodchipper someone left lying around. Rest assured, we will dedicate some energy to finding someone to blame for the murder of Don Beach and her team. But for now, allow me to introduce myself. I am the Boss, Don Alex Urquhart. With me are my TRUSTED AND LOYAL associates, Laura 'Eyeballs' Carruthers, Mia 'The Knife' Shantana Chaudhuri-Julyan, Julian 'Porch' Porch, and Mikey 'The Key' Collinson. We hope to continue some of the, eh, services that the former leaders ran, but also to expand and improve what we can do for you, in return for what you can do for us. Here is a brief run down. 1. In collaboration with the National Union of Syndicates, we are still offering our Endsleigh Fire Insurance bundles, with higher rates for those of you in James College. Please ensure you pay for your insurance, or you will be invited to Give It A Go with our new 'swim with the duck shit' opportunity. And that's a blood promise. 2. We have been plastered on the side of a bus, but not in the way that those who do not pay their college fees will be. We are continuing to negotiate with the First Bus Mafia in order to continue our successful partnership, and will no longer be providing baseball bats to do in the kneecaps of the drivers after discovering this was in fact hindering their ability to produce the goods (the busses) on time. Of course, my associates and I do not use this method of transport, preferring the esteemed services of York's streamlined, efficient, and most morally corrupt car-share service, Uber. 3. We shall endeavour to establish further links with York's criminal underworld, acting on your behalf (assuming you pay your dues, which we hope you will otherwise I shall have to send out my part time officers to 'send you to the Quiet Place'). Yes, of course, I talk about the York Yakuza led by Oyabun Koen 'VC' Lamberts and his new saiko-komon Jo 'Bizarre' Horsburgh. Long time partners may recall the tragic death of his former chief assistant, David 'James Kerr' Duncan. He has 'moved to Glasgow', if you get my drift. Anyhow, I am already starting to build links with the 'VC' to further your interests and our interests. 4. We will once again be doing our very successful 'Raising and Giving' (RAG) campaign throughout the next year. This is how it will work. We will ask if you want to donate to a worthwhile cause (which will then be money-laundered into our swelling coffers). If you choose not to, we will take a chloroform soaked rag and kidnap you, and then ask you again, dangling you over the edge of Greg's Place. We anticipate it will be most profitable. It is, of course, for the starving orphans who we honourably support. 5. We understand some of you are here for 'academic' reasons, but you also like to let your hair down. We will therefore continue to help provide the 'NightSafe' service, which you have all found tremendously worthwhile. Of course, this will continue to be a totally free service out of the goodness of our own hearts. We will also providing our other 'NightSafe' service in which those found to be troublesome will be invited to spend the evening inside a safe. Please contact 'The Key' if you would like to find out more. These are our current aims. If you have any suggestions, why don't you keep your damn mouth shut, eh? Unless you want to go and be the new insulation in Derwent. Don Urquhart (as told to Henry 'Ed' Dyer) 3
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Here is a photograph of me and my associates. Make note of our dead behind the eyes stare - they are the eyes of a killer.
Pay homage to our online content...
Into the Chipper with you.
The Lemon Press Freshers' Guides to:
Making the Most out of University Accommodation
Oh, my! Looks like you’ve found yourself at a milestone! The first year at university! Aren’t you all grown up, eh? Waving goodbye to dear old mum and dad as you take your first steps living independently. Many can and will find this a struggle, but always know that there’s always help along the way! But don’t just take it from me! Here’s some handy-dandy tips from our own students on how to survive halls for the very first time:
1. ‘Survive? What? No, don’t be silly! I’m doing just fine. Everyone’s so nice and friendly here! By the way, do you know anywhere that sells horse tranquiliser in bulk?’ – Amanda Taylor, Langwith. 2. ‘Drag your optimism behind the shed and give it the Old Yellar treatment. First week, expect to run out of toilet paper. Second week, expect to regress to a barter-based economy. Third, accept your one and only God: The concept of social Darwinism. For instance, some bastard – and I name no names ALEX MATTHEWS FAIRFAX HOUSE ROOM 101 FIRST DOOR ON THE LEFT CAN’T MISS IT – stole my four pack of teaspoons. So I, in my righteousness, seized his tea towel. We haven’t spoken in six months. You think you can hide my cutlery forever, Alex? You think you’re good at a stalemate? I’m patient. I can wait. I will shit fury and you will drown in it.’ – Martin Moore, Vanbrugh.
3. ‘Okay, but I’m telling you, a box of Weetos and a potato peeler is the best price you’re going to get for unclogging the downstairs toilet.’ – Emma Smithson, James. 4. ‘I keep screaming but Jesus won’t answer.’ – Jim Davidson, Derwent. 5. ‘One excellent trick I’ve found to work is to glaze my skin in a thin veneer of cheap cooking oil. That way, there is no possibility of finding such a common substance in student accommodation unpleasant or otherwise unhygienic. The others say nothing in response to this. Not even my girlfriend when she brushes against the sweet succulence of my glistening, honeyed flesh during an intimate embrace. I have seen the pain in her eyes; in all of their eyes. They do not object, they do not question, they do not plead, because I know they are afraid. And fear, my friend, is the antithesis of love.’ - Aaron Reynolds, Halifax. Marvin Drury
Freshers’ Week! Freshers’ week is a time for getting to know people and drinking away your uncontrollable fear of the prospect of independence. However, whilst drinking it's important to take some tips into account: 1. If you start feeling sick, just keep drinking until it goes away. 2. If you don't feel like you can
... give us 'likes' on our Facebook page.
People You May Encounter at University
All sorts of interesting people decide to come to university, whether they are choosing to teach, learn, or down twenty tequila shots in thirty seconds to win a five pound bet. We've compiled a list of some of the more common archetypes you may meet during your time here: 1. One of the more humanoid deities created by H. P. Lovecraft, Nyarlathotep, or 'Nyarly' to his surfing buddies, is sometimes described as a tall, swarthy man of apparently Egyptian descent, sometimes as a faceless god at the centre of the Earth, and sometimes as a bat-like tentacle monster that cannot stand any light. He enjoys sending people insane, and it is believed by some that he will cause the destruction of the human race. 2. Cthulhu is probably the most well known of Lovecraft's deities. He/she/they/it is a Great Old One with the appearance of a particularly alien cephalopod, although we can't be entirely sure, as looking directly at him/her/them/it sends the viewer mad. He/she/they/it is currently imprisoned deep under the ocean, hibernating in the sunken city of R'lyeh, where he/she/they/it is apparently a subconscious cause of anxiety for the whole of mankind. 3. Shub-Niggurath, who has the excellent epithet 'The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young', is Cthulhu's grandmother, and generally considered to be some sort of twisted fertility goddess, who is also known as the All-Mother. She was tragically underused by Lovecraft, only usually mentioned in the context of her children, Nug and Yeb (—Iä! Shub-Niggurath!) 4. Zstylzhemghi is the daughter of Ycnagnnisssz, sister of Klosmiebhyx, and mother of Tsathoggua. No, I don't know how to pronounce any of those names either. 5. Hastur, the King In Yellow, makes an appearance in the Terry Pratchet and Neil Gaiman book Good Omens. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to read about the apocalypse and also incompetent celestial/infernal bureaucracy. 6. Ptar-Axtlan is the god of? furries? I think?? drink anymore, drinking.
just
keep
3. If you get yourself into a dangerous situation, don't worry! Just keep drinking and you won't care anymore. 4. If you think this article isn't
Hal Bowden giving any good advice, then keep drinking until it does. 5. Just keep drinking. 6. I may or may not be drunk right now. Lucy Finnighan
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Sent an Editor cookies? Please email in and explain yourself.
Which 'Which [Popular Cultural Icon] Are/Is You/Your College/Your University' Is Your College? We've all seen, and God help you some of you may have read, these vomited word sou– sorry, articles, on such bastions of online journalism as The Tab, BuzzFeed, and The Telegraph. Well, here's the big one. Derwent – A List About Bizarrely Popular Primetime Television That Appeals To The Lowest Common Denominator Yeah, like you, you basic bitch. Everyone rags on you and your kin, justifiably, because – just like asbestos! – after exposure to it you have a decent chance of getting cancer. In the same way that college allocation is in part random, so is the big wheel that television executives use to commission their latest rubbish. Proud? You shouldn't be. James – A List About Different Sports We get it, you're so keen to learn about what sport your college is. Are you Netball? Badminton? Football? No. You're none of them. You're a human being, and a sad example of one at that. Give up whatever you're doing, get into this new sport I've invented called 'Digging', and make your own grave. That's the sport you are. Press E, get in that mass grave, along with the rest of your First XI. I don't care about your school sporting achievements, and neither do employers. Halifax – A List About Exotic Locations See what I did there? Because Halifax is far away? My other idea was to do one about banks. Anyhow, congratulations, you're Kuala Lumpur, or Bali, or Middlesbrough. Aren't you just a unique and special individual? No. You're down there with the soldiers in the Black Hole of Calcutta in terms of accommodation standards. Roar away, no one can hear you. Alcuin – A List About Famous Works of English Literature OMG I'm Pride and Prejudice! WOW! Haha, let's all go to the library, and treat reading as a social activity to talk about loudly [Please feel free to share this article and the rest of the issue with your friends - Eds.] Get out of my face, I have a dissertation to do. Your mother and father won't think any more highly of you when you tell them a list said that you were Great Expectations.
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Because they had those, and they don't any more. Vanbrugh – A List About Musicians It's always nice finding out that you were that musician you really liked all along, but here's the truth kids: they're more talented than you are. That's why they have lists written about them, and you don't. But no, keep on loudly but poorly practicing the ukulele, it's really endearing, and it's not pissing anyone off at all within earshot. You keep doing you! Go Vanbrugh! Yeah! Goodricke – A List About The Different Harry Potter Houses Jeez, I wonder if it makes sense to use a sorting hat of questionable motives to effectively clump together all the evil bastards and offspring of evil bastards in one house, and then have their common room in the dungeon. Whilst all the goodytwo-shoes who fight for 'good' get put together, creating a natural rivalry and making the other two houses full of clever clogs and absolutely bumbling idiots. That'll ensure a healthy atmosphere. Good job, nearly as good as the safeguarding at Hogwarts. You just know it's Nonce HQ. But sure, you go ahead and be content knowing that you're a Hufflepuff. Idiot. I'd tell you to get done by a Dementor, but your gormless look suggests you already have been. There there, here's another list. Langwith – A List About Disney Characters But not the ones anyone cares about. You're the Wheezy from Toy Story 2, Nala from The Lion King, or Bagheera, because everyone prefers Baloo. Sorry. That's all you're getting. Constantine – A List About Department Stores But not regular stores, of course, that'd be dreadfully gauche. Are you Fortnum & Mason? Harvey Nichols? Harrods? Selfridges? It doesn't matter, as long as you're one of them and you can fit in. Just don't mention the Debenhams word in the vicinity. You'll have corpses on your hands. Wentworth – A List About It Turns Out The Tab in Cambridge Did This Already And Once Again We've Been Beaten By Oxbridge For fuc[That's enough. - Eds.] Henry Dyer
A shitpost for every season...
'Feeling concerned, but mostly happy' A Deputy Editor
New Registrar and Secretary Shows Remarkable Candour
Is Your Housemate in ISIS? An Easy Checklist: - No chill - Doesn't pay tax - Claims responsibility for things they couldn't possibly have done - Oversimplifies politics and ideology - Hates public spaces - Nervous about you seeing their browsing history - Terrible driver - Declared their room part of a caliphate - When you signed up at Adam Bennett you saw their guarantor was 'the House of Saud' - Hates Crunchy Nut® - Favourite club is Kuda Pasky Miranda and Louis Jani
Henry Dyer (UoY website, 23rd September)
World‐leading Academics Ready to Struggle Over Basic Computer Skills
Every year, students suffer at the sight of their lecturers crouching over a computer monitor, muttering under their breath: ‘where is the fucking sound button?’, and this year is set to be no different. Lecturers at the University of York have admitted that after spending another summer engaging in some of the most academically advanced work of their lives, they are ready to waste hours of precious contact time attempting to perform basic IT tasks. One professor of History, who has spent the last two months writing a conceptual work on the Cistercian monks in the Luberon Valley, revealed that he reckons he will waste ‘at least 20 minutes’ every seminar working out how to connect his laptop to the projector system, until he will give up, call the IT team who will fix the issue, all to his utter astonishment. Some teaching staff have been seen crowding round computers, jamming their fingers into every crevice in a desperate attempt to get it to play audio, only to cry out in despair when it doesn’t do anything. With students now paying £9,250 per year for their tuition, academics feel more prepared than ever to fail to learn the basic skills that are essentially a prerequisite for their work. Dom Starke
... @thelemonpress on Twitter.
(Litsoc) [no, really]
Stories Behind Society Logos 'Hold on, guys, do you think this might have any connotations?' 'Dunno, I'm busy reading Fahrenheit 451 for our book club.' Henry Dyer
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I've got a bottle of buckfast, some plastic gloves from the petrol station...
York Student Erects Statue of Henry Tudor in Order to Join in with Worldwide Campus Iconoclasm Movement A student of dubious origin, suspected to be from the other side of the Pennines, has erected a statue of Henry Tudor, the Lancastrian rebel who would go on to become Henry VII, in Greg's Place. Dickie Tudor-Rose, a History student from James College, created the five foot tall sculpture from plaster of Paris and goose shit, and unveiled it to an audience of himself. Shortly afterwards, he then started defacing the statue, primarily with more goose shit, saying it was 'an outrage', 'a disgusting sign of oppression', and suggested that 'the artist should be ashamed of himself.'
Ten Things to Know About Campus
When asked why he had done this rather curious thing, he revealed he felt left out by the wave of iconoclasm occurring in campuses across other universities, such as in the U.S. over Confederate generals, or in Oxford, over a bust of Cecil Rhodes. He went on to say that: 'I just wanted some attention for York, that's all, and I wanted to join in with the knocking down of statues, but we don't really have any, so I had to make do.' However, upon further investigation, The Lemon Press has come across papers suggesting he was in fact paid for this stunt by the shadowy figure known as 'Fraser O'Brien', who we expect to write something about this clear act of 'campus censorship, authoritarianism, neo-marxism, namby-pamby, nanny state, Guardianista jackbootery', in order to keep receiving his stipend from The Spectator. York's Best Pubs Henry Dyer Like fuck I'm telling you lot, you'll only go and ruin them all. Henry Dyer
1. Nisa shuts at 9pm on a weekday. 2. You don't need to be in catered accommodation to eat in the college canteens, but you will have to pay for the food. 3. Diana was last seen at 00:20 CEST on 31st August 1997, leaving The Ritz hotel with Dodi Fayed and driver Henri Paul. 4. Travel between the campuses on the bus is free! 5. Antipsychotic chemicals were found in the bloodstream of Henri Paul post-mortem. 6. There is a statue of Buddha somewhere on campus West, can you find it? 7. All CCTV footage available cuts out after the group's exit from the hotel. 8. The lakes on Heslington East and West are the first and third largest manmade lakes in Europe respectively. 9. There allegedly is a sunken car in the lake on Hes West. 10. Reportedly, MI6 didn't arrange the intoxication of Henri Paul on behalf of the British Crown. Pasky Miranda
Look at that smug expression. (Getty Images)
‘If I Have to Write Another Freshers' Article Parody I'll Fucking Kill Myself’ Swears Satirist
A university satirist, said to be entering his fourth year, has threatened to end his own life if made to write another article parodying non-ironic freshers' listicles. Reprinted below are excerpts from his 35 minute rant: ‘Please just fucking let me do something political, something absurdist, even a Proust parody, I swear I'll read all of FUCKING PROUST. Just please no more parodies of serious student media.’ ‘Do you realise that by sending up the worst of student media we are becoming like them? Do you want to be the BuzzFeed of satire? Do you realise that we are buying into what we despise? We are turning into our enemies! We have become the cliche. Everything we worked for is fucked, FUCKED.’ ‘It's just so inane. Stringing together half-baked, random quips that are as funny as they are valuable. The most soul-destroying aspect is the sheer banality of it all, because the freshers' who actually laugh at this watered-down shit are the unfunniest fuckers to walk the earth, and you know that as soon as you try out something more ironic they'll accuse you of being too edgy and report you on Facebook. I mean they're truly dumb as stumps... total troglodytes.’ ‘The cruelest cut is that we need these fucking invertebrates to keep us afloat. To hell with self-respect – let's just take their money and allow them to dilute our opinions and sensibilities until the satirical punch bowl is as dirtied and murky as used bong water.’ ‘The more we pander to the lowest common denominator the more impotent and toothless we become. It's like if Foster's did satire: if it looks like piss, and tastes like piss, guess what, it's a fucking freshers' satire article... or Foster's. There's nothing funny about this shit! Nothing!’ ‘I hate this sort of satire. The cynicism inherent in the composition, the hatred underlying every single word. I hate every fawning, simpering moment of it. I despise those that enjoy it. I hate myself for writing it. I hate the system that brings it into being. It's satire by numbers, it's utterly soulless, and I don't fucking like it.’ Following the semi-coherent diatribe, the man published a new article titled, '12 Things Every Fresher Should Know About DERWENT HAHA THIS IS SATIRE'. 7
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Like what you're reading? Want to join in?
... and a pack of sleeping pills, and I don't need to be up till next Tuesday.
Are Freshers' Ticket Scams the New Face of Terrorism?
Freshers’ Survival Guide
Even York is at risk! Terrorists have found a way to manipulate the very heart of our most sacred cultural traditions! The treasured rites of university binge-drinking and clubbing have been twisted against us. How, you ask? For years, groups advertising unofficial freshers' tickets on social media have been dismissed as run-of-the-mill internet scams. People laughed at the hapless fools dim-witted enough to purchase the wrong tickets, believing themselves superior, unaware of the way they were mocking innocent victims. People blamed moneyhungry companies! Thought these dishonest Facebook pages were the product of a flawed capitalist system! They were almost unforgivable in the way they disregarded these villains.
Still nervous about fitting in at university? Daunted by the array of new faces and vast quantity of information awaiting you? Look no further! With these 5 tips, your first year is sure to be smooth sailing. 1. Be yourself! You want to start as you mean to go on, so try and resist pretending to be something you're not -- it'll only exhaust you. Friendships should be genuine!
Even I, I am ashamed to admit, was tempted to blame the innocent people caught up in these malicious tricks, thinking them not internet savvy enough to tell a genuine group from a fake one. That was until I realised that these groups are not people desperately seeking money, but much more evil than that. This was when I myself became a victim, for only the darkest level of malicious genius could have tricked me. These groups are terrorists! Fact: each time an innocent young person clicks on these sites, a terrorist laughs. Each time an intelligent, would-be fresher is taken advantage of, ISIS gets a little bit closer to victory. Beware! Beware! No internet user is safe! [classified]
2. Start organised. Again, put your best foot forward! Consider carrying around a notebook with schedules and important information in it. Alternatively, ducks can be trained to quack shopping lists at you. A bit tricky if you lose the right bird, but better than nothing, after all. 3. Bury your alcohol. There will come a time when you'll need the forgotten stash far more than you can yet foresee. 4. Trust that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Beware going out when the back of your neck prickles, and the wind sounds a little different. Do not ask why. 5. Forget the past. Dread the future. Survive the present. Izzy Palmer Have you ever considered the heat of a hibachi grill Benny? Perhaps annexe a little bit of Poland and install a hibachi grill, under which you can store some rice.
Welcome to York
Hello, welcome to York. These are exciting times, and there are probably some big questions on your mind right now. These may include: Why? (am I here) What? (did I do wrong) How? (do I get back to the South) When? (can I leave) Who? (do I speak to about the smell) Where? (is my gun)
3. 'It burns.' – Numerous Everything does, eventually.
Whatever your questions or thoughts are, we are here to help. Please send your messages to Myles the Devourer, c/o Koen Lamberts, and we will endeavour to answer them. 1. 'I have a very great itch and I am unsure of the proper method to scratch it. Please advise.' – Ichi Lee Well Ichi, this is indeed a conundrum. Sometimes it is best to ignore the itch, as scratching can worsen it. Our advice would be to kill a kid, perhaps two if needs be, and consider seeking subsequent medical help.
4. 'I have often wondered what Bernard Manning weighs – he looks to be heavy-set. Do you have any idea?' – Brenda Manning If you knew anything about science you would have used the correct terminology of 'mass' you cretinous dolt. At any rate, Bernard Manning is an ancient racist, and possibly but not definitely dead. Reconsider your question.
5. 'Is York a pleasant city in which to lay eggs?' – Avian Flew By no means are you to lay eggs in York, you feathery bastard. Please continue to send us your correspondence and skin samples. The data is being collated. Myles Dunnett
2. 'I dislike my accommodation; it is cold and there is inadequate space to store my rice.' – Benny Hana The interesting thing about the hibachi grill is its intense heat.
Only £5 at our Freshers' fair stall or on the YUSU website.
(UoY website)
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'At first I feel at fever pitch but it dissolves away as I realise it goes deeper...
Hurricane Irma Turns People into Expert Meteorologists As Hurricane Irma edges closer to Florida, the hurricane has had an unexpected effect on people around the world: it has given them expert knowledge of all aspects of meteorology. Harvard University, already struggling to process doctorates in Astrophysics after the solar eclipse, is now snowed-under [flooded, surely? — Eds.] as it tries to process millions of PhDs in Meteorology. Usage of meteorological phrases including ‘wind shear’, ‘eye wall’, ‘barometric pressure’, and ‘my vacation home is going to be destroyed’ has risen by 920% in the past week. Ah, I know what you're thinking: 920 millibars is the exact barometric pressure in inside the eye of Irma. Well, isn't that interesting. Chief Meteorologist at Central Florida News 13, Mr Saffir-Simpson, was heard saying: ‘I studied for six years to get this job, and it turns out all I had to do was read an article on Facebook! Who knew! ...but in all seriousness, my home is going to be destroyed.’ One internet commentator, a Mr Onda Spectrum, left a comment on the National Hurricane Centre's Facebook post that read as follows: ‘You guys have got it all wrong in this article. You state that hurricanes accelerate over the warm water of the Straits of Florida and then slow down over land because they are subject to friction and run out of warm water to fuel them, but this is incorrect. The real reason this happen is because the US government manufacture these storms to keep the populace in line. Open your eyes sheeple!’ More to come as relief efforts give everyone an innate knowledge of building methods. Myles Dunnett
Aliens Send Message to NASA to Rule Themselves out from Shkreli Jury
12 Things We Learned from the Great American Solar Eclipse
Message reads: 'No, we will not be jurors in the Martin Shkreli case. That guy is a creep. Don't bother sending a probe to ask us personally, Earthlings.' Thus, the hunt continues, not for intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, but for people to participate with an impartial mind in the trial of Shkreli. Some have suggested the O. J. jurors try him, but the prosecution have refused saying 'I MEAN REALLY'. Henry Dyer
1. You don’t have to be an expert to be an expert. 2. The sun belongs to America. 3. Americans claim anything and everything as their own. 4. I am blind. 5. People will drive hours to see the most mundane shit. 6. Some people can’t figure out how shit works. 7. Please help, I am totally blind. 8. People aren’t very bright. 9. You can make money from anything. 10. My world is dark now, and I am very scared. 11. Local news stations are starved for content. 12. I am totally blind. Dictated by Myles Dunnett
Failed Democratic Presidential Candidate Releases New Film
Donald Trump's Disaster Plan Due to the recent stream of natural disasters, such as earthquakes in Mexico, forest fires in USA, and Hurricane Irma battering numerous countries, Trump has begun to take action. After realising that kind of helping out Texas was the only nondickhead thing he's done in his life, he and his Cabinet have planned out numerous ways to deal with the world's situation. Examples include blocking the hurricane's twitter account while simultaneously tweeting profusely at it, building walls around the forest fires, offering fake tan to those who had theirs washed off in the flooding, and in Mexico he will— oh who am I kidding, he's not gonna help anyone in Mexico. Even as far as satire goes that's just too ridiculous to write about. Lucy Finnighan Henry Dyer 9
News & Politics
HOT TAKES HOT TAKES READ ALL ABOUT IT...
...than a mere hallucination of man turned politician turned egg.'
Was Diana Killed by the Flower Industry? Twenty years on, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal a groundbreaking new theory into the death of Princess Diana in 1997. Never before, until now, has the true conspiracy into her death been discussed - but the fearless journalists at The Lemon Press have discovered (spun a wheel) shocking revelations that suggest Big Flower may have been behind her untimely demise. Read more in our special 64 page pullout feature that shows how the big flower companies profited hugely from the outpouring of grief and the mountains of flowers bought and laid in her memory. We'll ask such questions as ‘What was Tony Blair's relationship with the flower industry?’ and ‘Why am I still writing this?’ Henry Dyer
Cats Should ‘Make a Bit More of an Effort’, Claims York Outer Man ‘It's a bloody disgrace,’ he told our representative. ‘They think they can act like they own the place. Do you know how many dead animals I've had dragged into my kitchen? How many glasses those good-for-nothings have knocked off of counters? I don't care if it's what they do — if they're going to live in this house, they're going to have to make an effort to learn the bloody culture!’ Izzy Palmer
‘Old People and Their Nostalgia Have Ruined Britain’ says 20 Year Old Nerd Ryan, a man in his early 20s, has placed the blame on the older generation for the UK's current problems. Speaking about the outcomes of recent elections, he said that ‘the old folks just want to return to a time which can't exist anymore. ‘It's just rose-tinted shades. They want to go back to being out of the European Union, they want to go back to using pounds and ounces, they want the Commonwealth back. All because they want to re-live their youth.’ Ryan accused the older voters of ‘living in the past’, which he remarked as being ‘so stupid’. When quizzed about his own personal outlook, Ryan said he was ‘forward facing’, despite wearing an original Ninja Turtles t-shirt, believing that there should only be 151 Pokémon, and touting the FF VII HD remake as ‘the best thing ever’. Pasky Miranda
Hugo Charles Winters‐Bentinck‐Manley‐Oxford, The Lemon Press Political Correspondent, Reports on What Party Leaders Are Hiding Shortly after the general election had finished his assault on the country, Tim Farron decided to reveal that he was a screaming homophobe. Personally, I found this to be surprising: I knew Tim when he was at Oxford, and he seemed to be generally ambivalent towards playful buggery, though I do recall that he never joined in at parties. At any rate, I interviewed the other party leaders to see what they were hiding. First I met with the Prime Minister. When I entered her private study at Number 10, she seemed uneasy; her pupils were dilated and she was sweating. Several bodyguards stood in the room. One appeared to be hurriedly wiping a white powder from an exquisite Chippendale dresser. I resolved to ask her what the naughtiest thing she had ever done was. Her left eyebrow twitched, and she leaned in towards my ear: ‘That field of wheat was an enormous field of ganja. Pure Jamaican grass. Me and my friends were fucked off our tits, Hugo. We lay smoking in that field for at least a year – we formed a little cult. That's when it got heavy. Prudence started bringing in some of the white stuff from Columbia. Then Patricia showed up with LSD. Finally Philip got some heroin. I ran through that field for three days straight, tripping balls.’ The following day, I met with Jeremy Corbyn in a vegan restaurant. As he sat down he deliberately positioned his wallet on the table to reveal a lazily hidden magnum condom. As our eyes met, a sly grin crossed his face. He silently handed me a card that read as follows: The Marrow Man, Islington's Premier Gardening and Gigolo Service, Call S. Milne on 07975 678545 for more information.’ After a brief and uncomfortable dinner, we both left. Finally, I met with Vince Cable. Vince is a man of distinguished service and venerable reputation, but what he told me during the course of our 30 minute meeting was too harrowing to reprint. For the sake of your modesty, I shall withhold even the faintest recollection of the details. I have learned my lesson for the future: there are few more deviant than Liberal Democrats. Myles Dunnett
... on thelemonpress.co.uk
News & Politics
10
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Amber Rudd: 'Real People' Don't Need Encryption [Editors' note: we apologise for the lateness of this story. Amber Rudd's message was encrypted with an ancient cipher, and was only solved once our intern, Kevin, travelled to the far-flung climes of Mesopotamia to find the codeword. This article is dedicated to his left arm, lost in the process to a witch.] The Home Secretary has continued her campaign against mathematics with fresh calls to allow for unbreakable backdoors for solely government agencies to access end-to-end encrypted communications. Writing in The Telegraph, she suggested that 'real people' don't use WhatsApp for its end-to-end encryption and don't need it. In light of this revelation, several cabinet ministers believed to be members of WhatsApp groups that were 'entirely about loyalty towards Mrs May' have disappeared, vanishing into nothing upon becoming aware they weren't real, and their entire consciousness was a lie. Experts have confirmed that the banking industry and security services were only saved from also being wiped out from the sheer idiocy of the sentence that followed.
Taghreed Ayaz
The Home Secretary went on to reveal that, whilst some say 'that if a system is end-to-end encrypted then it's impossible ever to access the communication', she thought otherwise, stating 'that might be true in theory. But the reality is very different.' She then proved that two plus two was one, that up was down, and shot up into space. Henry Dyer
Princess Diana Releases New Book
Ex-Princess Diana has released a new posthumous book entitled ‘How to Stay Newsworthy 20 Years after Your Untimely Death’. The former Princess released the book after intense media focus on her life has reignited as the 20th anniversary of her not murder is celebrated. She said the book would ‘set the record straight’, and ‘function as a working guide for anyone media hungry enough to worry about their image a fifth of a century after they've turned their fucking toes up. Don't worry I can swear now since I'm divorced.’ Media insiders expect book sales as high as 14 billion – roughly two per person. The reason for this huge figure is that you will be forced to buy the book regardless of whether you actually care about Princess Diana, and until you do, you will be chased through successively darker tunnels at increasing speeds by French journalists on motorbikes. While all this is going on you will be forced to engage in sordid and depraved sexual acts with the fat son of a wealthy Arab gentleman. The book is being sold by a new publisher called the Print Media Emergency Fund Press, which is a consortium led by The Daily Mail and The National Enquirer. Princess Deadana's closest friend, George Michael, was unavailable for comment. Myles Dunnett 11
News & Politics
The Zucc demands sacrifices...
Is Twilight for paedophiles?
Taghreed Ayaz, Sid Leigh, and Henry Dyer
Labour Party Mired in Tuition Fees Controversy The Labour Party has come under fire after climbing down from remarks made during the election campaign that they would 'deal with those already burdened with student debt'. Most pundits have argued that this is because Jeremy Corbyn has realised the £100bn cost of wiping the debt would be prohibitively expensively and at odds with his argument to prioritise funding other public services. The Lemon Press, however, can exclusively reveal the actual reason behind the embarrassing denial by the Labour Party that the claims were never made. After dispatching our crack team of interns to Labour HQ bins (and Corbyn's compost pile), we reconstructed a policy proposal that shows there was only one way devised by senior aides to 'deal with those already burdened with student debt' - killing them all. An anonymous source revealed the policy was in fact derived from a fairly unrelated suggestion made by Ken Livingstone and George Galloway some years ago. Therefore, Jeremy Corbyn decided he had to distance himself from his earlier promises. A Conservative Party spokesperson when asked for comment said 'We'll get back to you' before dropping the phone and shouting 'Eureka!' Henry Dyer
... provide your liking thumbs on Facebook.
Secret Messages in Australian Postal Vote International outcry as the voting slips sent out by the Australian government for the postal vote on the legality of gay marriage contain secret alleged subliminal messages. When examined under UV light, the words 'GAYS SUK LOL' and 'ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND SODOMY' appear. Experts and conspiracy theorists are debating the possibility of an intent for subliminal coercion. A government representative claimed the messages were a giant coincidence and an example of the inherent chaos of our universe. He went on to cite several scientific theorems he did not seem to really understand, straightening his 'TITTIES AND BEER THANK G*D I'M NOT QUEER' T-shirt. Conclusion uncertain. Izzy Palmer
Trump Posts Video of Himself Teabagging Kim Jong‐Un Cardboard Cutout and Flipping Off Camera Christ, is this extreme enough to be satire? Is it a preview of the near future? Have we reached a level of living surrealism that has rendered our satirical efforts fruitless? God, I used to be so full of hate. Now I am kept awake at night only by the ebb and flow of an endless, empty chasm inside of me. Trump bitchslapped North Korea, lol? Empty‐Eyed Anonymous Author
News & Politics
12
Don't want to get freshers' flu?
Floridians Lose Keys ‘I was sure I left them there a second ago’ Gregory Waddell
I Was Going to Write a Brexit Joke But You Know What? I'm Fucking Done Brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit brexit. Blah blah stalemate brexit refurendum brexit brexit fisherman. Everyone's talking about bloody brexit and have done for bloody ages. We have years more of this. I'm losing the will to live. Why are there so many varieties of brexit. Red brexit? White brexit? Blue brexit? Right or left brexit? I want to unsubscribe. Oh, you want to hear my funny joke about brexit? Go fuck yourself. Izzy Palmer
Transport for London Reinstates Horses, Bans Everything Else No mode of transport can really be safe when your life lies in the hands of another human being. Getting into a taxi? That driver could be anyone – you may as well sign your own death warrant then and there. Boarding a bus? Filled with drunken ruffians seconds away from grabbing the wheel from the driver and killing everyone on board. Going down into the tube? You mean going down into your death. Fires, bombs, you fucking name it. Have you ever known anyone to go down into the London underground and emerge alive? Actually don't answer that, I don't want to bring back the trauma. Driving your own car? Suicide. Machines are infinitely fallible. Riding a bike? Welcome to death. Walking down the street? Fools! To put such trust into two weak flesh pillars! The answer here is animal power. Only the simple, hard-working brain of a beast can be trusted. Men are cruel. Horses are earnest, good, right. Dog sleds still under question. Izzy Palmer
The Day After Tomorrow Was Right All Along: Is Roland Emmerich a Prophet? With extreme weather conditions tormenting large parts of the world, experts look back on 2004 hit film The Day After Tomorrow. 'I mean it's impossible to ignore the facts,' one scientist pointed out. 'On the 28th of August 2017, Hurricane Irma was the day after tomorrow. That's a direct reference to the film! Only, one of few certainties in this universe is that the weather doesn't follow pop culture. Therefore, the only logical explanation is that Roland Emmerich, esteemed German disaster film producer, holds the ability to see the future.' This of course leads to even more concerning questions: are all Emmerich's disaster films merely visions of the future? Are 2012 (2021?), Independence Day, and Godzilla all soon to come into reality? With sales of apocalypse bunkers sky-rocketing, nothing is for certain. Izzy Palmer 13
News & Politics
Taghreed Ayaz
Sometimes we livetweet events...
Try not interacting with anyone.
May Delivers Landmark Speech in Florence
A Student’s Guide to Exercise! Finding trouble fitting exercise into your busy student life? No problem! Here are a few ways to fit in a daily workout while getting that pointless degree: Jog to your lectures: You’re always going to be running late anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone? Be on time to class and get those legs moving! Do squats while studying: You’re already suffering from all those useless facts you have to remember; might as well put yourself in more agony with exercise! Get into fist fights at bars: Creating enemies and losing your teeth are all part of the university experience, and boxing is great for building up muscle! Swim through your tears: Swimming uses all of your muscles, so it’ll take your mind off how much university makes you want to die! Run away from your responsibilities: Give up on life while getting that much needed cardio! Jump into the abyss: Jumping’s always fun! So there you go, six easy tips, tips that you can trust, because I am a completely stable person and my doctors have no business in taking away my position as a personal trainer and dragging me away from this compu– Lucy Finnighan
(Composite: BBC & original)
Delude People into Thinking You Have Your Life Together Just fucking – throw some stuff into jars. Buy a butter dish. Wear earrings. Do you know anything about anything? Of course not, you’re a piece of shit. But you’ve got to fake it till you make it, and people seem to think that doing that sort of stuff makes you organised. While you’re at it, buy a large set of highlighters with different colours, then highlight random people’s faces. If anyone asks, you’re colour-coding your friends. (Popular! Organised!) Does it work? I dunno. I sure hope so. Izzy Palmer
Fenty Beauty Creates Breakthrough Business Strategy
Rihanna’s new line of beauty products have taken the world by storm, and it has revolutionised the way entrepreneurs think of marketing by doing one simple thing: not having all-white products. ‘It’s shocking,’ one businessman said (who wished for us to not mention that he was white or middle-aged), ‘we never realised that by making our products serviceable to those who take up the majority of the world’s population, the product would be far more popular critically, ethically, and financially! This is a revelation! Who knew all-white products would only be popular with white people?!’ Multiple CEOs had initially collapsed from the shock, but are now scrambling to follow in Rihanna’s footsteps for a more racially inclusive business. Which is good. It’s only taken them a few centuries. Lucy Finnighan
... follow us @thelemonpress to find out when.
Lifestyle
14
Can anyone else hear an icecream van?
How to Relax about Your Health For the perpetual hypochondriac, life can be really tough. You keep going to see the doctor, but every time you do they send you on your way. Of course all you need to do is relax, but it just isn't that easy. In fact, sometimes it can be really hard. So, we at The Lemon Press have compiled a guide to help with letting go of some of those health fears. Question 1: Does it hurt? If no - you're fine. If yes - it's cancer, and you're going to die. Probably badly. Question 2: How much does it hurt? A little - it's not bad. Yet. A lot - it's going to get worse Question 3: How long has it hurt? 5 minutes - you might still have a chance. More than 5 minutes - you're fucked. Question 4: Where does it hurt? Head - tumour. Neck - tumour. Chest - tumour. Limbs - degenerative disease. Inside - Ebola. Outside - tumour. Question 5: Do you feel more relaxed? If yes - you're cured of hypochondria. If no - it's probably cancer. And there you have it. Hope you're feeling better soon! Myles Dunnett
Personality Quiz: What Your Favourite Colour Says About You
There’s nothing quite like a personality quiz; it taps into your obsessive need to have strangers describe you, and pin-points your exact personality from a single aspect; complexity be damned! So, what colour you pick says a lot about who you are. Blue: You like blue. Green: You like green. Yellow: You like yellow. Orange: You like orange. Pink: You like pink. Red: You have admitted your loyalty to the cause. You too are disgusted with the capitalist scum that runs our society. Open your eyes! Rise, my comrades! The revolution is here! All we have to lose is our chains! The streets will flow red with the blood of the none-believers!!! Purple: You like purple. Lucy Finnighan 15
Lifestyle
That One Friend Who Always Has Something Wrong Has Something Wrong Again Psych, that person is me. I slept badly last night and now my back hurts. Also my ankle is still acting up from when I stood up wrong the other day. Remember that? It was really painful and I don't think you were sympathetic enough. Also, it's really bright in here and my eyes are throbbing. Did you know I have weak eyes? Why are you walking away? I haven't even got to how hungry I am yet! Izzy Palmer
List of Boys' Names that Could Be Names for Girls Who Are Way into Various Kinds of Cereal ﴾like to a Freakish Degree﴿ Ryan (Rye Anne) Louis Jani
Beginner's Tips for Falling in Love with a Convicted Felon ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a vicious criminal in possession of someone else's fortune must be in want of a wife.’ – Jane A, Croydon Chloe Green, daughter of *respected businessperson* Sir Philip Green, has chosen as her beau a somewhat violent gentleman, of an anti-establishment persuasion. Described by certain strange individuals as the 'Hot Felon', he has enraptured the world with his steely gaze, his grizzly, yet strangely romantic stories of prison rape, and his lovingly crafted improvised shanks. So, we asked the staff in our offices (thanks be to YUSU for their benevolence) some of the tips and tricks they employ when dating the men and women of the criminal underworld: ‘I fill my social media with pictures of ostentatious wealth, and do my utmost to make my rampant stupidity patently obvious to even the most careless observer. This ensures that active criminals and recidivists alike come flocking to my door in the hope that they can take advantage of my youth, wealth, and inexperience.’ ‘I always make sure that I carry a 9mm under my shirt so if they get too randy I can pump a couple of rounds into them as a warning.’ ‘I always like to find the ones convicted of the worst crime: murderers, serial-killers, paedophiles, psycho-sexual sadists and the like - that way I know I've really picked the worst of the worst and I'd never feel jealous if my best bud picked up some hunky bank robber.’ ‘Always tell them your address, bank details, and mother's maiden name first. That way you know they're in it for love.’ ‘Be prepared to be rape-murdered. That's always a possibility.’ ‘Myles, stop asking me this question, I'm not going to answer you. You're being blatantly classist, and you're insulting both the penal system and those reformed by it.’ ‘I get my junk out to appeal to the crimmos.’ Myles Dunnett
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Three Great Meals You Can Cook with a Cursed Oven Learning how to cook for oneself is a vital part of being a student and an adult. Unfortunately, some people have cursed ovens, like this one (DO NOT LOOK AT THE ACCOMPANYING IMAGE OF A CURSED OVEN). If you do happen to have a cursed oven, here are three recipes: 1. Cursed Beef Lasagna (for one) A cursed twist on this Italian classic, this simple recipe requires white sauce, red sauce (or blood), lasagna sheets, two carrots (peeled), beef stock, cheese, and two tiny horses. Prepare the meat using one tiny horse (butchered), tinned tomatoes, onions, carrots, and herbs to flavour in a saucepan, before layering with lasagna sheets and white sauce and topping off with cheese. Place in your cursed oven with the remaining tiny horse (alive) at 200 degrees Celsius. Leave for 20 minutes. 2. Chicken with Mixed Cursed Vegetables Some chicken thighs covered in thyme, rosemary, and oregano go alongside a variety of vegetables grown and stolen from your local Native American burial ground in a casserole dish for a delicious meal that'll leave you wanting more, and will also place a curse upon your family for six generations. 220 degrees Celsius for 45 minutes. 3. Salmon and Courgettes This is just salmon and courgettes in parchment paper. All you need to do is pop it into your cursed oven and watch them be brought back to life and closer into consciousness as it gets warmer and warmer, before they perish screaming. Cook until nicely browned on the outside. Caution: this recipe will cause any pets within two furlongs to become sexually attracted to you on pain of death. Happy eating! Henry Dyer
Dating at University 101 The Lemon Press offers totally unprompted romantic advice: don’t sleep with your flatmate. Don’t sleep with your flatmate and then date them for a while, much to the UTTER CHAGRIN of everyone else who lives with you, because they just KNEW the inevitable was coming. They just knew it! Knew things were on the fast track to getting really awkward all the time! Don’t then break up with your flatmate extremely loudly in the middle of the night, screaming that you should have known. YES! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Just like I should have had the forethought to move out the moment you two started dating! I should have – I mean, um. They. I meant ‘they’. Er. This article isn’t about anyone I live with. Not The Guy You Live With, I Swear
... write satire for print, online, and radio.
I'm Starting to Feel Quite Guilty about Murdering All Those Moths It started off perfectly reasonably - it was 3am and I was reading an article about the importance of watering your gardenias regularly to avoid wilting. While enjoying the subtle wit of Monty Don's horticultural ramblings, I was distracted by a moth. It buzzed towards the light of my phone. It flew past my mouth, dive-bombed my nose, brutalised my ears. After 5 minutes of torture I flew from my bed and turned on the light. Grabbing the nearest available whip-like object, I fashioned my towel into an oversized cat o' nine tails and swung for the bastard. Command, 4-5, target destroyed. Roger, target destroyed. The first one was a crime of passion. I should have stopped there. But my lust for that strange moth-dust was not yet satiated. Over the next few nights I wantonly battered and maimed innocent moths, not to mention the atrocities I committed against the tiny gnats that hovered around my laptop screen. So murderous did I become that I began to construct specially-designed weapons to effectively kill the poor creatures. Night after night I killed and killed. Caring not whether my victims were young or old, on the wall or on the ceilings. But soon the bodies began to pile up, first on the floor, then within my soul. My conscience was heavy with lives cut-short. Yet I cannot stop. Still I go on murdering and brutalising these winged insects. WHY MUST THEY COME ENDLESSLY TOWARDS THE LIGHT? WHY CAN THEY NOT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY GUILT? WHY DO THEY FORCE ME TO LAY THEM DOWN? THE WINDOW MUST STAY OPEN BUT IF IT DOES THEY MUST DIE! HAVE I DISPLEASED YOU, GOD? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME LORD? HAEC CREDAM A DEO PIO, A DEO IUSTO, A DEO SCITO? TUUS IN TERRA SERVUS, NUNTIUS FUI. OFFICIUM PERFECI. CRUCIATUS IN CRUCEM. EAS IN CRUCEM. Myles Dunnett
Lifestyle
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One religion is objectively worse than the others...
17
Lifestyle
Check out our exclusive online content...
Answers on a postcard.
Man Who Lost Custody of His Children on The Sims: 'I Hate Women' A University of York student has declared a universal, misogynistic contempt for the female gender after exhausting his simulated legal rights to see his computerised children. Donald Spunkchin (in-game nom de guerre) of 73 Road to Nowhere, Strangetown (by way of Alcuin College), today lost his appeal of the Sim City Court ruling to award full custody of his two Sim offspring, Daenerys and Spiderman Spunkchin (12 and 16 days ingame days old respectively), to his simulated ex-wife. The judge defended his decision to rule against Mr Spunkchin (41 in-game days old), citing his aspiration bar being firmly in the red, and the recent psychological strain of the repossession of his heart shaped hot tub. Additionally, the death of his simulated father, who was crushed by a piece of space detritus whilst staring at the sky. Spunkchin’s tirade against the ‘fairer sex’ also hit out at his ex-wife’s new husband, who Spunkchin bemoaned to have eight body skill and to be level seven in the Athletics career path. Spunkchin was last seen scaling the roof of a community lot, wearing a legally safe superhero costume. Tom Davies
University of York Scientists Attempt to Experiment on Tiny Horses, End Up Curing Prostate Cancer
Lucy Finnighan (Composite: pngimg.com & original)
Mass Breaking of iPhones! Now that the iPhone X has been announced (after worldwide protest against the name being iPhone XD) people have been shocked to find their current iPhones have been crashing, shutting down, or breaking entirley. The public is speechless to what the direct cause may be. Could it be climate change? Could it be that the new iPhone has made every other model feel self-conscious and they've all shut down due to embarrasment? Or could it be that every iPhone made is designed to break after a short time in order to keep us contributing to the wheel of capitalism; the blood of old models being used to oil its cogs and feed its ever consuming soul at the cost of our very own humanity? Boy howdy, we just don't know! Lucy Finnighan
Mark Zuckerberg to Be Turned into a Sphere Following Facebook's new unsound all-round round redesign [Err - Eds.], the CEO, Mark 'The Zucc' Zuckerberg has announced that he himself will be turned into a sphere. Elon Musk, engineer extraordinaire, has announced his participation in the design of a machine that will allow for the Zucc's spherical transformation, and then went on to suggest it would have some use in a potential Martian landing. Zuckerberg is expected to continue all of his normal duties in his new form, including writing open letters to his children telling them to do basic things, continuing to beat Snapchat at their own game, and stealing ideas from the Winklevi.
Henry Dyer
... for free at thelemonpress.co.uk
Science & Tech
18
[Regarding the Queen] Woman cannot look bad. God save her.
The Creation Club: Your Hot Take
Gaming Journalists Expected to Run out of Games to Compare to Dark Souls by 2019
Bethesda’s Creation Club, an exclusive online platform from which customers can pay $4.50 for marketing director Pete Hines to break into their house and brutally beat them with a fine oaken cosh, recently launched amidst a mixed fan response. Due to such a mass of vastly differing opinions, I took to the streets (admittedly not for the first time) to get our local gamers’ views on the controversial decision:
It has been announced by leading researchers that the amount of games that can maybe sort-of-if-you-squint-hard-enoughand-insert-nails-into-your-corneas be compared to the challenging hit series will soon be depleted. Publishers, as has been made apparent, are simply not making games fast enough to keep up with this voracious demand.
‘According to the paramedics, I received acute whiplash and a perforated spleen from Mr Hines’ voracious beatings.’ One customer of the service (James Mayhew, 21) commented, ‘But at least it’s not horse armour.’
‘It’s becoming a serious issue for our writers.’ commented Daniel Dawkins, global editor-in-chief of review site GamesRadar+, ‘We’ve pretty much scraped the barrel of currently relevant franchises to milk in an effort to seem even vaguely competent. Cuphead, Crash Bandicoot, Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue … Such titles are for a hardcore audience, of course, and are deserving of the comparison. These times really are the Dark Souls of journalistic integrity.’
‘Okay that’s fine but I can still get ChungusLover69’s CBBE Skyrim bar wench futanari mod right?’ (Darren Jones, 31)
‘Obsidian would’ve provided an objectively superior bludgeoning experience with greater roleplay options, you fucking shill.’ (Rebecca Jackson, 35)
However, in our interview, he stated that he was at liberty to reveal a relatively unknown, promising-looking game that will likely become the new Souls-like hidden gem.
‘A bold move, true, but one I feel will pay off incredibly well for both Bethesda Game Studios and their fanbase. Incidentally, I heard you can now preorder the GOTY-winning Skyrim: Special Edition™ for the Nintendo Switch™.’ (Rodd Boward, 46)
‘Demons' Souls. That sounds good. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of that one yet.’
‘I, for one, think this is an outrage. Such a flagrantly cashgrabbing scheme would surely benefit from the mission of Gamerga[No. – eds.]’ (Niall Wilson, 19)
So, what can we learn from this? That RPG fans won’t have to bugger around with self-flagellation anymore? That a fistful of dollars is far too much for a jolly good rogering that one could otherwise get free of charge? That investigative journalism and gaming go together like an unsupervised child and a pair of Venetian blinds? I cannot say. We attempted to get into contact with Bethesda about their customers' opinions, but only received a reply detailing how they couldn’t hear us ‘over the sound of all this money’.
19
Arts
Former gaming editor, Gregory Waddell, last seen in Mosul, Syria (presumed deceased; awarded Tilikum Badge of Honour for his services to The Lemon Press) (Composite: Gabriele Micalizzi & original)
If we don't get to 2,000 likes...
'At least Communists aren't racists' TLP member.
Why I Refuse to See the New Wonder Woman
Four Old British Sitcoms that Truly Encapsulate Modern Existence Last of the Summer Wine – Who would have thought that a parochial television comedy about three old men pottering about Yorkshire would have such an impact on modern life. The life lessons taught us by Compo, Cleggy, and Cyril still hold true today. From seducing elderly women, to having affairs with elderly women, Last of the Summer Wine was a visionary sitcom, and is a crucial guide to modern life.
Wonder Woman is another in a long line of recent films set to push a liberal agenda. How long do we have to swallow it? We're getting to the point where filmmakers can't make even a superhero movie without pushing Hollywood bubble identity politics and feminism in our faces. Wooow, Wonder Woman is now a 3-dimensional, well-written character, big whoop. But at what cost? Well, I'll tell you which group is being oppressed in her stead, that the so-called 'tolerant left' say are privileged. German generals.
The Good Life – We all at some point grow tired of the hectic modern lifestyle. Most of us will eventually move to Surbiton, give up our capitalistic existence, and live lives of self-imposed squalor whilst surrounded on all sides by opulence. A true masterpiece of prescience!
Never have I seen such a poor representation of General Ludendorff in cinema. In the film, he is portrayed as a warmongering, ineffable 'baddie' who would do anything to achieve victory. I swear, in real life he offered an armistice to the allies in the closing days of the war. Granted, he wanted to break it, but is that shown in the film? Not by the Hollywood elite it’s not. This is the thing that all idiots do, where they conflate the Germans of World War I with Nazi Germany. I mean, come on, General Ludendorff was only tangentially linked to Hitler in ONE putsch, and he regretted it afterwards.
Keeping Up Appearances – Deep down, we are all Hyacinth. Are our teapots clean enough? Will the vicar notice our new hat? Will our dinner party seating plan encourage sparkling conversation? Hyacinth Bucket was the original hipster, and is the ultimate guru for 21st Century style.
The Vicar of Dibley – Along with Father Ted, Geraldine Granger is the spiritual guide for the modern age. While teens seem to hold celebrities like Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, and Kim Kardashian in high regard, we all know that when they are snuggled up in bed, the gentle comedy of The Vicar of Dibley is teaching them the REAL lessons.
Is this how things are going to go on? Women are going to be better represented while more members of the German Empire's General Staff are dragged through the dirt? Wake up people. Don't see the new Wonder Woman if you want to wake up tomorrow and see more historical German Generals portrayed as monsters. Gabriel Bramley
Geraldine McSheepy's Review of Wonder Woman
Next week: Ken Dodd, Arthur Askey, Tommy Cooper, and Abortion: The Missing Link Myles Dunnett
'Why don't they harvest the sperm?'
Henry Dyer
... we're going to start killing people.
Arts
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If you think the kraken isn't real, you're deluding yourself.
Marc Jacobs Reveals New Fashion Line: Nudity Tartan for autumn? Groundbreaking. For years, people looking forward to new fashion seasons had to endure the same old looks being recycled. Each time, what was new? Sleeves, but slightly different to last time. Perhaps an altered waistline, a bold print, a glimpse of nipple. Boring, boring, boring. Yet, for the first time, we’re seeing something actually interesting. Dare we say it, revolutionary. Marc Jacobs has taken fashion to a whole new level, and revealed an autumnal range of clothing that is stopping critics in their place. No sleeves! No waistline! No neckline! No skirts, no trousers, no socks, no shoes, no sameold bold patterns! Simply skin. Reams and reams of skin. Welcome to the new age of fashion. Simple, effortless, timeless. Jacobs revealed he drew inspiration for the range from ancient wall art, wishing to imbue this season with a vintage but eyecatching feel. We at the fashion department of The Lemon Press simply cannot get enough of the new look, and can only await with baited breath what the fashion genius will break out next season. Izzy Palmer
Foo Fighters Release Ninth Studio Album and Fans are Convinced Every Song Is a Tribute to Kurt Cobain Rock band the Foo Fighters have released their ninth studio album, Concrete and Gold this month, to the delight of critics and fans alike following their, uhm, ‘really great’ previous offering to the album gods. However, conspiracy theories abound as to the hidden meaning concealed within the tracklist, with fan chat rooms across the internet filled with theories pontificating that each song is actually about the suicide of Dave Grohl’s previous bandmate, Kurt Cobain. The official tracklist is listed below – what do you think? Send your opinions to our editors email address for a chance to be included in Issue 34’s Letters section! Concrete and Gold Tracks: • T-Shirt • Run • Make It Right • Why did you do this Kurt • Why did you leave me in this cruel dark world? • Wait • If you took enough heroin to kill a horse why did you shoot yourself in the head? • This makes no sense • Who did this to you?! • It was fucking Courtney wasn’t it!! • I fucking knew it the bitch!! • Everyone boycott Hole merch and buy my stuff. Ellie Grana 21
Arts
(iStockphoto / Jan Derksen)
Exclusive Fashion Week News Flash! Guess what? Supermodel sisters Bella and Gigi Hadi– [No one cares – Eds.]
Ellie Grana
Teenage Fangirls Metamorphosing into Five Separate Beings ‐ Potential Weapon? Ever since the fated ‘temporary’ hiatus (BREAKUP) of superstar British boyband One Direction in 2016, there have been shocking cases up and down the country of teenaged girls spontaneously splitting into five separate beings. Mothers and fathers all over the nation go to bed one night with one ordinary-sized daughter obsessed with one band, and wake up with five smaller daughters, each obsessed with a different solo member of the band. Scientists, baffled, have tentatively put forward theories that the sheer level of pure excitement and love for what has become five separate solo acts proved to be simply too much for the affected girls. Their brains overloaded and, in a manner theoretically similar to multiple personality disorder, a solution was found by creating new selves to deal with all the emotion. Suggestions have been made for how this phenomenon can be taken and applied as an advantage in warfare. If attempts were successful, armies could be multiplied almost fivefold by simply exposing soldiers to the upbeat, pop-rock fun of One Direction’s earlier days and then slowly exposing them to the band’s gripping musical development and eventual apparent split. Experts theorise that a significant proportion of the average population will not be able to resist becoming obsessed with the charming English and Irish band and their stories. The Ministry of Defence declined to comment. Izzy Palmer
Same goes for retweets...
'Are we walking upright, or are we walking wrong?' an Editor.
OUR BOOK REVIEWS Book Review By: The Lemon Press
Book Review By: The Lemon Press
Title: Holy Scriptures
Title: This issue of The Lemon Press Fiction or nonfiction: Nonfiction
Fiction or nonfiction: Uhhhhhhh
What is the book about? This book is about lots of deep and interesting thoughts, and the beginning of the world and stuff. My favourite character was Jesus, although Abraham was a close second I suppose. I really liked all the times the dad (that‛s God) killed people.
What is the book about? I‛m not sure and I read it lots and lots of times. I hope my parents will still love me after this. It‛s still my best piece of work.
Who would the book be suitable for? Anyone, everyone, please.
Who would the book be suitable for? People who like arguing about things, and also people who like bedtime stories.
Would you / would you not recommend the book? Why? I would recommend the book but I would be afraid of being accused of trying to convert people.
Would you / would you not recommend the book? Why? I would recommend it to everyone I meet. I might not have a clean conscience. Tell your friends!
Book Illustration:
Book Illustration:
Izzy Palmer
... for our stuff @thelemonpress.
Arts
22
Fan of music? Why not listen to William Shatner's music.
HOT Cinema Corner Exclusive! We got a guy literally on the brink of starvation to review films.
Citizen Kane (1941): Three stars Solid effort. At one point the food of Cuba is mentioned – very exciting. Summons visions of enticing mountains of gorgeous rice and spiced meats. So many beans, so many tomatoes! God, I would eat that. Then there’s a whole two and a half minute montage of breakfast – pretty good. Too much tea, not enough food for my liking, but then I am quite literally dying of hunger. This bit was also dampened a little by the whole thing about the marriage, don’t know why they’d put that in. Also the fact that it’s in black and white means I struggle to really visualise the food, harder to picture the taste and the colour. So that was a bit of a strange visual choice; I’m not massively impressed.
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980): Four stars Luke eats some food when in the bog. It doesn’t look very good, but I bet it’s really filling because it’s space food. I could do with some filling food. God, I could do with any food. Anyway, then Yoda steals some of it, which is bad, because that reminds me that I don’t have anything to eat. FUCK Yoda! If it was me I’d fucking murder him! And then I’d eat him! Goddamn Yoda sandwich! Or Yoda stew, with potatoes... and carrots, and bread, and... and… um. God, uh. To Yoda's credit, though, he does then try to feed Luke. That was also hard to watch, though, because Luke didn't really want to eat the food. Had to be convinced! Jesus, to have that level of food security. Yoda's food looked like it must have been really nice. That's why I gave the film, um, four stars. There was a decent amount of food in it, so. Um. I don't really get what you guys want from me. I, I just – I just want to eat. I just... God. Uh, next... next film.
Pulp Fiction (1994): Five stars I think I blacked out a little, watching this. I’m so fucking hungry. They just talked a lot over meals, is the thing. All that American comfort food... blueberry pancakes, burgers, oh my God. I gave it five stars because I could hardly bear to look away, it all looked so good, but I didn’t enjoy watching it at all. I cried through most of it, to tell you the truth. I’m just so hungry, is the thing, and my clothes are all falling off me. I thought I could do this, but it's so much worse than I thought it would be. I’m so weak I can barely type. But I have to, because they told me that if I watched all these films I’d get to eat again at the end. I’m already three films in, that's halfway. I should be able to do this...but it's so hard. I feel like I’m going to die. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go this long without eating? To feel your organs being slowly digested by your own body? Oh, God – they’re getting angry with me. Back to the film: uhh, there were so many burgers. I really loved burgers even when I had all the food in the world, so that’s a pretty high mark in its favour. Then there were pop tarts toasted by Butch, which was a difficult scene to watch. He just fucking left them there! He didn’t even fucking – didn’t even – Jesus. My belly aches like nothing you’ve ever known.
Blade Runner (1982): Four stars I watched Deckard eat noodles. I haven’t eaten in two and a half weeks, and I sat in front of a television and watched Deckard eat noodles in his very first scene. You people are sick, you hear me? This magazine is sick for making me do this, and you’re sick for reading it. This has to be against some kind of – against some kind of – torture laws, or something. I’m a human being, and I – what? Yeah, of course I want to fucking eat! Right, right, the film. Um. It was also hard to watch Rachel recoil at the idea of eating raw oysters. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’D DO FOR SOME OYSTERS? FOR ANYTHING? Later, one of the replicants picks up a boiled egg. That was also a point in the film’s favour. I used to like boiled eggs. Not as much food as Pulp Fiction, though, for which I felt like I was supposed to mark it down. In reality, I thank God. I don’t think I could go through that again. I haven’t eaten in so… damn... long. Jaws (1975): One star You ever been so hungry you’re jealous of a goddamn shark that eats people? I don’t want to be the guy that admits he fantasised about eating raw people, but at this point I miss even the sensation of having something other than water in my mouth. My every being yearns for the sensation of chewing, of swallowing, of having something in my stomach. Obviously I wouldn’t want it to be human flesh, but I – at this point I’m literally afraid I’m going to die. Are these sadists even going to feed me once I’m done, or has this whole thing been a lie? No, I can’t believe that. I’ve only got one film left, and then I’ll be able to... God, I’ll be able to eat. I just hope the next film doesn’t have too much food in it. I just hope I can hold on for two more hours. I hope... I... can... make... Ratatouille (2007): [Um, maybe just cut the article off here. No, don't tell them what happened. Just, uh, deal with the situation. – Eds.] Izzy Palmer 23
Arts
If it's a form of multimedia, we're up for it...
'Rocket Man' is something else, seriously.
We Bought a Load of Paracetamol and Snorted It for Science
We here at NOICE are up for anything, and we are always striving to bring you quality. In the past we travelled to Djibouti to buy nuclear isotopes for warheads, made a documentary on rap music in the Korean DMZ, as well as revealing the underground slave markets in Antarctica. So, when we heard about legal highs, we did the most thorough research possible, and we concluded this called for a thrilling piece of investigative journalism. We set out to answer that age-old question: can you get high off paracetamol?
Acquiring the gear
Our first stop was Boots. We ran in there with cameras ready to find out how easy it is to get this potent shit over-the-counter. The woman behind the till looked really confused, so we started asking her about the ‘strains’ of paracetamol. I think we actually made her cry. Then we realised our mistake; we were in an opticians, not a chemists (LOL). We popped round the corner to Boots Chemists and copped ourselves some of their finest. We continued our search for these banging pills. Next, we tried Tesco. We were so nervous in the queue for the counter – what if they found out we were planning to rail a load of acetaminophen? The moment came, we paid for our stash and got out of there pronto, it was a madness. Finally, we hit up a local pharmacy.
Taking our doses
NOICE. (Alamy)
We read somewhere that it’s best to inject it, but then we realised that we were on a forum for heroin users. So we decided to just crush them up instead and give them a bit of a snort. Our team of three sat around the table. We did three big lines each. Right away we were feeling the effects; our noses were burning up on the inside. We washed it down with some vodka and waited for it to truly kick in. After half an hour, we figured we hadn’t done enough, so we took the rest of the tablets between the team.
The results
This is some serious shit! My God! We set out to investigate this legal high of paracetamol, but instead ended up in A&E having our stomachs pumped! Turns out taking too much paracetamol can be fatal. Who’d have thought? Forget the harder stuff, the government should be worried about people getting their hands on these bad boys. Join us next time for our exclusive look into the world of inhalants. We talk to a cult who worships Pritt sticks, and try our hands at siphoning petrol.
NOICE Politics
We were meant to cover the Lib Dem Party Conference as well as the German elections, but our livers started bleeding and we had to go back to the hospital. Probably just a seasonal cold or something. Louis Jani
... and you too can take part by joining (for £5).
Features
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I think our headers should be more disturbing...
ScuzzusFeedus Five Uses For Gladiator Sweat You Probably Never Considered Especially When It's Mixed With Lion Blood
Damnus Millenialus
ScuzzFeed Rome, Slave Reporter (MatthiasKabel)
Ave, fellow youths. Like any cool party going Roman, I bet you've been hitting up the Colosseum, but have you ever considered, dear citizens, some of the virtues of that juicy saline sweat we've seen running off our favourite sportsmen (and women and children) as they fight to the death for our amusement? 1. Perfume Gladiator sweat's musky smell makes the perfect scent for a night out on the town partying like it's 30AD. With the added bonus of the lion blood, you'll be attracting everyone, especially the rats! NICE! 2. Lion Bait Speaking of attracting things, you'll also get all sorts of lovely lions coming your way. The fun doesn't stop when you're wearing Gladiator Sweat! 3. Mosaic Cleaner A 'life hack' here, but simply mix in equal parts gladiator sweat with bloodied sand from the Colosseum's surface and you've got the ideal mosaic cleaner to keep those cherished memories of your summer trip to Pompeii. (WHAT ARE THOSE COOL KIDS UP TO? HAVE YOU HEARD FROM THEM? SEND A TABLET IN IF YOU HAVE.) 4. Offering To The Household Gods Ward away bad luck and the threat of being eaten to death by lions in front of a baying crowd by trying to offer the sweat as a sacrifice to your household gods. (WARNING: MAY ATTRACT LIONS) 5. Seasoning Finally, why not concentrate the sweat and use it as seasoning. Who needs to buy expensive salt when you can just use gladiator sweat? LIFE HACK!
Liked this article? Why not read more of our most-read content? Just click on your stone tablets below: • You Won't Believe What Diogenes Said About This Plucked Chicken! • What They're Really Putting In Garum • Who Is This 'Oracle Of Delphi' Guy Anyway? • Can You Guess Who Will Win In This Race Between Achilles And A Tortoise? The Answer Might Shock You • Only The Ruler of Asia Will Be Able To Undo This Knot – Is It You? • These Two Boys Were Raised By A Wolf – Now They've Built A City (ARCHITECTS HATE THEM). Find Out Their Secret To Building A City In A Day • Virgil's Got A Secret Addiction – Find Out What! • Nero's Been Caught Fiddling, But Please Ignore These Pictures Of Children • There Was A Big Boom Near Pompeii And People Aren't Sure What Has Happened 25
Features
Check out our back catalogue of videos...
Proper fear of God stuff. When Guillotin proposed a device to behead bourgeoisie and Joe Bloggs alike, did he ever consider the environmental impact of such a method of execution? I think not. When Dr Martin Luther King said that he had, and I quote, 'a dream', did that dream involve woodchippers? To quote myself just two sentences ago, 'I think not'. I believe balloon debates are missing something. That something would be woodchippers. Enter stage right, The Woodchipper. It enters on four wheels, trundling on a tomatopaste base of blood and oil. Half machine, half machine, it has long discarded any hope towards humanity. At night, it can be seen carrying its heavy frame past the Spring Lane building, lurching past Courtyard, in the pursuit of knowledge, hungering for a sense of justice and its next extrajudicial killing. It has a faded John Deere sticker on it, from its days in groundskeeping, before the disappearance of
Who Should We Throw in The Woodchipper?
several porters and a certain 'grisly' discovery. Few know its actual origins. Some say it is from space. Some say it is from Hull. We here at Lemincorp International are genuinely proud to reveal the The Woodchipper as in fact a joint venture between our R&D wing, Mr Chippy, and the highly esteemed Bramoli Industries, named after the late (and great) Dr Bramoli. Who is a credit to society, someone with so much good left to give? And who would serve us better as woodchips? Who would go nicely on an Alcuin Bistro stonebaked pizza? Who wouldn't be missed in Aunt Jemima's rose garden? Picture the scene. Your favourite BNOCs (Big Names On Campus) and other York characters all gathered in a room – perhaps it's somewhere in the darker corners of Derwent – standing round The Woodchipper. They know one of them has to go in it. But which one? Now, without being too harsh, and without naming too
many names, we at Lemincorp International Technologies would like to walk you through a speculative ‘mock trial’ of The Woodchipper. On the left we have ex-YUSU President, Millie Beach. Remember her? I hope so. Some would call her a war criminal. She might think she's safe, but she is not above finding herself distributed evenly throughout a bag of premium landscaping bark chippings. Next up we have Stephen Harper, who in the past has written for The Lemon Press, has taken a stand against college membership fees for postgraduates, is the proud owner of the Willow restaurant sign, ComedySoc member, and all around a pleasant guy. Yet none of this matters, as The Woodchipper has named him as a war criminal. I'd say it could have confused him with his namesake, the past prime minister of Canada, but like The Pope, The Woodchipper is infallible: it has many rows of sharp teeth and is never wrong. Sorry chap. Then we have whoever made the J. B. Morrell Facebook account. I
really don't wish death on you, but it seems The Woodchipper has you flagged as a war criminal. Sorry. The joke is dead and you may be on the way there too. Finally, we have Adolf Hitler. Fuck it, Adolf Hitler. I hope this isn't too controversial. He is definitely a war criminal. He's probably still alive. He could definitely be 56 right now, if he hopped in a time machine from the end of the war. In classic style, the accused make their arguments in front of The Woodchipper. Rhetorically pleading for their lives to be spared, they must convince the machine that they are better serving society as humans, than as human mulch. Our scientists predict that by the time the machine has been fed its share of washed-up York Alumni, evil dictators, and perhaps one Alex Lusty, we may even be able to leave it to its own devices, bringing equality and ethical garden supplies to the world. Make no mistake, this is no frontier justice or reign of terror; this is the beginning of something glorious, and I for one welcome our chipper overlords.
Louis Jani
... on our Facebook page.
Features
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Moby Dick. Fucking takes ages to find the whale.
Chairman Cam’: The Return of Style Some years ago, an idea was brought before the Committee: the leader of this society should be in possession of a regular column, found somewhere towards the back of a regular publication, from whence they could pontificate and bloviate endlessly about their own importance. For years after this idea became actuality, that was the case. Certainly, Messrs Sharp and Gearing, for I refuse to use their former style of ‘Chairman Cal’, were well known for spouting their communistic claptrap from the hallowed pages of this little publication. From its offices nestled on the shores of this great nation, the editors would willingly publish this nonsense with nary shame nor chagrin. Despite my differences with these aforementioned men of ‘honour’, I have chosen to continue this tradition of writing a regular address in this, a publication that is now a small part of a much larger whole. Having taken over from the previous despot some months back, I have since implemented an entirely new regime. Neoliberal from top to bottom, and a true masterpiece of laissez-faire leadership. Claims that the aims of the great political shakeup I instigated were merely consolidation of power have been roundly dismissed by the majority-controlled senate over which I am proud to preside. The true aim of these reforms has been to reintroduce the concept of style to a land that has for too long chosen an itchy red jumper as its favourite item of clothing. Soon, I shall strip the red jumper that has been creeping up the bosom of the nation from you all. The bared chests of the citizens of Lemon shall be the canvas upon which I create my masterpiece. It is my sincere belief that among the greatest crimes of the previous leaders of this nation is an utterly abusive and quite catastrophic lack of style. From top to bottom, the nation was wracked by a mindset of introspection, navelgazing, and isolationism. Subsequently, the nation’s joie de vivre suffered, and with it, our splendour, our grace, our sophistication, our elegance, and our panache. We became a joke. Our dignity took a blow, and soon, the veil fell. Beneath was a hideous monster: ashen-faced, wearing brown corduroy trousers, a green and grey checked shirt, and a rain mac. The beast staggered forward, lurching, heaving, dying. And then Lemon fell. I vow to return this nation to its former glory. I have picked up the pieces of this land; they lay in my palm like a fragile bird, or the small, sickly child of a famous singer. The citizens of Lemon will soon be proud to call it their home. Buildings will be adorned with the finest marble imported from Italy. Toilets will be flushed with sparkling artesian water. Your own kitchen will be awarded Michelin stars. Pâté de foie gras will be as common to you as mud to a pig. Amuse-bouche will be consumed before every meal. Crass beverages like Prosecco shall be mocked and scorned by the populace. Our language will be elegant and refined, our citizens well-read and thoughtful, our clothing light and resplendent, our literature, art, and cuisine of the highest possible quality. The excellence of this nation will grow like a proud oak, lifting up to the heavens, lifting hearts, eyes. God bless this fine, wondrous nation, this sceptr'd citrus, this sacred sour, this glorious fruit, this Jerusalem, this... Lemon Press. President Myles Cameron Dunnett (Chairman Cam’)
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Features
Likeness of Glorious Leader Chairman Cam' by Taghreed Ayaz
Fashion Watch: Chairman Cam' Myles Cameron Dunnett wears the Dunnett look in a polo shirt with sports jacket, shorts. Fashion critic Louis Jani writes: 'this is a classic "I own a yacht but it has been impounded by the state" look at the heart of the Dunnett lifestyle.' Henry Dyer
'Tweet tweet motherfucker'...
WHEN WILL YOU FUCKERS LEARN TO APOSTROPHISE "FRESHERS' WEEK"
Obituaries The Lemon Press are sad to announce that our favourite and only intern fell in the lake over the summer. We are happy that Kevin died doing what he loved, screaming in a lake which has never been emptied of its 50+ years of waterfowl excrement. The lake has been the centre of much debate amongst the science faculty. With a rogue biochemist claiming that the conditions the lake has created have allowed for genetic transmogrification, considering how closely the lake matches the primordial soup present at the dawn of life on earth.
Announcements
In hushed tones some people compare the number of missing students to the ever growing number of Canada geese on campus – wait, what's that sound? I can hear a hiss outside The Lemon Press offices. No. No you can't be him. HE DIED! [There's just blood and feathers on the the page after this, still going to include. — Eds.] Stephen Harper (requiescat in pace)
Happy Birthday to Harry Kingston on the 19th of September, sent from his Mother, who wonders if he'll move out now that he's turned 58. Elizabeth Thomas' Grandma welcomes her into the world as of August 14th. Her Grandma wants to say that she loves her very much, but wishes that she would stop saying ‘This fragile human form is only temporary.’ Congratulations to Andy and Linda Reed for their new marriage on the 8th of September. While Andy was tied to a chair and gagged the whole time, we're sure they'll both be very happy together. Lucy Finnighan
Samuel Johnson passed away this Sunday at the age of 63. Born in 1954 to a loving family that is in utter dismay at his passing, and denies that the bloody axe is theirs. Lucy Finnighan
Would Anyone like a Free Bike and to Also Kill My Dying Infant Son? Does anyone want to come over and take this spare bike, and while you're here, take the last breath from my dying son Peter? I've had this bike lying around for weeks, and my son considerably longer. He's late-stage and hasn't cleaned the dishes for weeks. At first I wanted to ease his pain, now I just want to turn his room into the world's first waterless aquarium. I must emphasise that this ad is for both, not one or the other. I don't want anyone to come to my house and euthanise my son without taking the racing bike. It’s really taking up a lot of space in my hallway. Condition: Small, fairly worn down from years of neglect. The bike is brand new, kid's size. I don't expect it is going to be used. Harry Jinks
(Damian Harris Cycles)
... that's the best we've got. Sorry.
Features
28
The Lemon Press: now sponsored by the Church of England.
Letters, Postcards, Leaked Medical Records, Announcements, Fatwas, Excommunications, Papal Bulls, Etc. Dear The Lemon Press, 1x 12" pepperoni 1x 10" garlic bread 2x medium chips 1x 2l pepsi
Dear The Lemon Press, Join me, and together we shall restore the Tartar Yoke! Tokhtamysh Khan of the Blue Horde
Dear Darren, It has been three years since you left to buy a pint of milk, and I was wondering why you haven't responded to my letters. I fear I have been sending them to the wrong place. Yours with affection, Mrs Butterworth
Please deliver to Koen's Office (the one w/ spinny chairs) Heslington Hall York
We can't arrange your payment yet! Login at www.gov.uk/studentfinance for the Declaration form you need to sign and send us. If you've done this recently, ignore this text 0300 100 0607
Greetings travellers, It is I, roaming trader, Hassan, here to share with you my wares – but for a price. Take this potion, all the way from Upper Silesia. No, take whole pack. Four ‘Tyskie’ most reasonable price of £4. Guaranteed good time! Once you drink that, maybe I can interest you in powder of poodle bone, or how about counterfeit strepsils from my journey up the mountain… choose from berry or durian fruit… most exquisite. Hassan, Drifter of the Deep, Heslington Village
[voicemail] I'm sorry, the old Koen can't come to the phone right now. Why? Because he's dead. *Click*
Where did all the water go? Dry Mike
Looking for assassins to eliminate two men with silly haircuts and overly large weapons. Located in Ripon. Respond ASAP to 01904 123456. ‘Raunchy Ranger’
Dear Eds, Have you noticed how much TS looks like Labour MP Kate Hoey in part of her new video? I think it's given me a psychosexual complex. NotJustLabourThatsBlue2238
The Lemon Press, I am writing today to complain about your article titled _______________________. I was OUTRAGED by what you had to say, and I think the writer named ______________________ should be SHOT. Yours, _________________________________
Have an annoying housemate? Got a grudge with a sabb officer? Know anybody who has gone against the Geneva Convention? Get in touch, for The Chipper knows no bounds
Letters
Comrades, We must seize the means of production. The lemon farmers do not receive fair wages! Revolt! Take back the lemon presses! Lemonade for all! Vladimir Lemonin
Hello, I am here to tell you of very good great deal that I have to offer to you on this day, take for example this donkey. Donkey is priced at market value of one donkey. This is very good deal and not to be missed!!! Simply send me donkey and I send you donkey!! Don't be an ass! Alan Sugar, Boca Raton, Florida
Just wondering if anyone knows what happened to Old Taylor? Been trying to ring her but not getting through, starting to get a bit concerned. Tom
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Editors, Is it not normal for people to assign a binary numerical system to letters based upon their horizontal meatiness?! Yours, with trepidation, Sixtus (NOT Rees-Mogg’s spawn)
For sale: Woodchipper. Slightly chipped. Rather bloodied. Contact: Mr Chips, Brookfield Boarding School, Fenlands.
Dear Eds, Her name was literally Princess DIE. Think about it for a moment. Yours, Tinhat Greg
Dear Eds, I think the idea of the royals being behind the death of Diana is absolutely admonishable and in poor taste. Lizzy
emanating from the campus area. Is the distant Heslington East lake that of Willy Wonka’s creation? Is it a safe journey to travel across such a perilous wasteland in pursuit of this sweet elixir? Yours, Barty McShitface
Sir/Madam I am shortly to arrive in York to embark upon my higher education journey, and have heard tales of a chocolatey scent
[Feel free to cut out and keep the above section for the next issue. - Eds.]
Oh my gosh just give us attention...
Email the Editors for affordable exorcisms.
New! Horoscopes with Mystic Markov
Aries Random recognisable signs and then applying those random signs and students, or on behalf of the demons… You, or one of your family members, was an active participant in the National Guard who did the Kent State Shootings.
Libra You know, clear the whole world knows how far out to get me wrong, I wee a small boat. Then return after 4 years, and you’re a time I am not type it in the Kosovo Civil War and you’re a little bit.
Taurus You need to be big news. Once they arrive, ask them here. Otherwise who knows it, how far out of ‘Canoeing for me, I’m scared of advice'. When you comment ‘Haway the testicles off to reform in the death of you and I?’ align you comment ‘I love pardoning criminals’!
Scorpio Your daily reminder that Hilary Clinton is a bad thing. Ever watched a bull fight and just thought ‘Man I could get off to this’? Because I haven’t. Whether you do or not is your own business anyway.
Sagittarius Don’t get off for a time. Co-op are bad people. What is right when Don Cheadle would have the form of the US President? 12 little bit.
Gemini Listen, Gemini, I’ve heard Virgo takes care of a small boat. Then abruptly stop talking about around 4 years, a time when he bit the content or when he committed suicide instead.
Capricorn 30 to wrap their head around 30. Sometimes you comment ‘Haway the police found last weekend. Bitch took the poke. Those bourgeoisie vermin will be sexually aroused by your answers to a house or on the Isle of weird fish legs. Bitch took the lads below!’
Cancer Somebody was diagnosed with Richard Nixon! Impeachment, paranoia, and a joke to the Rwandan one of your wife, published for £1 in a book named ‘Canoeing for sure. Everyone had a couple of the death of the pig is coming’.
Aquarius Weiner, I don’t bind them. We are in Florida, or one of their lives. It’s pretty brilliant actually. You, or else nobody gonna take it. Always having a lake like Donald DUMP! AH HA! GOT YOU, PRESIDENT OF THE FREE WORLD!
Leo There are spooky ghosts all you’re a damn good for.
Virgo believe in da Bungalow is for their ways. Like rubbing a small boat. Then abruptly stop talking about around with it by leaving it is Twin Peaks for shit like you will be sexually aroused. Do not believe their lies.
Spot The DiffERencE: Soviet Edition A.
B.
... and your money (Livers optional).
Pisces This month, try talking about their lies.
Chess Puzzle Win.
Puzzles & Horoscopes
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