The Lemon Press – Issue 41 by The Lemon Press

Brace yourself, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Editors' Introduction

Hello there dear reader, welcome to Issue 41 of The Lemon Press. I don’t believe we’ve met so let us introduce ourselves. We are your humble satire servants, two (relatively) fresh-eyed students that hope to transcend the country's divides through that great uniter: satire. We hate to be the bearers of bad news but must report that the pall-bearers have taken Lord Murdog to his final resting place. The crates of Champagne miraculously stopped when he passed. Our pension plans have been gutted and somehow we’re now paying £5 to have the pleasure of cleaning the dishes and wiping down the keyboards. Don’t worry about those that came before us, they should live out comfortable retirements. Myles and Henry were last seen riding off into the sunset in a shiny Porsche, a trail of dollar bills billowing from the back seat. Today we’ll be serving you a nine course dinner on Morton’s finest toilet paper. If this is your first time dining with us, then don’t be alarmed by the regulars of The Lemon Press that you’ll see eating off the floor and licking lasagne off their plates. They’re happy this way. We start with a sizeable portion of the latest goings-on on campus. Exams have sent vast swathes of the student population into a frenzy, rent is pushing past the Plimsoll line, and several members of The Lemon Press have deserted us for a doomed attempt to restart Vision's long-dormant heart. Theresa May did the unthinkable in resigning the day before we started putting this all together which was certainly not done in the nations/TLP's interest. Don’t fear, we have the full scoop on the latest power-hungry contenders. Despite popular opinion to the contrary, we are in possession of both ‘life’ and ’style’ (see picture). Find out how you can look exactly like a member of The Lemon Press inside. We have a medley of arts and features, including the stunning conclusion to Gaming Jury and addresses from two presidents: Viscount Clay and our president in exile, Chris Small. We have all the latest gamer gadgets and know-how: the latest gamer chair reviewed, the tale of how all our Runescape accounts were suspended, and a few gamer words to expand your vocabulary. Finally, we are thrilled to welcome the Zodiac Killer for his long-awaited return as a horoscope writer. So, sit back, relax, and sip on the satire broth we've been cooking. Careful, it's hot! Will Rowan and Lucy Finnighan

Let’s start reading, shall we?

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sports Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes

pp 3-8 pp 9-17 pp 18-20 pp 21-22 pp 23-25 pp 26-27 pp 28 pp 29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Will Rowan and Lucy Finnighan Deputy Editors: Chris Small and Perkin Amalaraj Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editors: Alfie Gerzimbke and Charlie Cayzer News & Politics Editors: Michael Peel and Chris Small Lifestyle Editor: Jake Firestone Science & Tech Editors: Thomas Lansdale Arts Editors: Ottaline Wallace and Maia Bates Features Editors: Perkin Amalaraj and Allegra Mullan Sports Editors: Tom Willett and Alex Andrews Illustrators: Marvin Drury (Front Cover), Holly Palmer (Back Cover and various), Harry Clay (Back Cover and various), Will Rowan (various), Chris Small President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Chris Small Vice-President: Michael Peel Social Secretary: Perkin Alamaraj and Alex Andrews Ordinary Members: Ashvini Rae, Myles Dunnett, and Henry Dyer Contributors: Max Hinchley, Cameron Gordon, Chay Quinn, Alex Howarth, Aidan Quigley, Sue de Nîmes, Martin Petcher, Reynard, Charlie Poplar Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Please note: This is a satirical magazine. Quotations and facts likely to be inaccurate. Produced 28th May 2019.

Contents

Coming soon to York Vision: The Lemon Press.

York Vision Resurrected by Group of Treacherous Bastards

Imagine, if you are able, that you are a student journalist. Here you are, approaching the end of your time at university, and your CV is still looking a little bit bereft. Those three bylines in Nouse aren’t quite cutting it with the recruitment team at The Guardian, and your ‘valuable experience at URY’ has failed to impress the BBC. In order to bolster your job prospects, you look towards a paper that you can commandeer without opposition. Never mind that it is a paper with a history as toxic as Julian Assange’s dirty laundry basket. Never mind that successive teams of idiots just like you have failed to resurrect its definitely and permanently deceased and possibly exhumed corpse. All you know is that this is an opportunity, and you just can’t look a gift horse in the mouth these days now can you. No you can’t. YUSU seem quite pleased at the prospect anyway, and that is always jolly reassuring. Now imagine, if you can stomach it, that you are a member of The Lemon Press. If you have a very strong constitution, imagine that you are a committee member of The Lemon Press. You are of satirical, cynical disposition. You believe incompetence and vanity should be exposed in all of its rank hideousness. You are horrified by the arch stupidity that you see everywhere around you, and despise the sort of self-serving halfwits that compose historic Vision teams. In fact, you have spent most of your time at university ruthlessly criticising Vision, castigating the people responsible for such wonderful works of journalism and foresight as ‘Send Nudes’ and ‘Seven Years A Piece of Furniture’. You laugh at their shoddy editing and lack of integrity. You stand up for what is right, what is good, and most importantly of all, what is funny. Well, ‘funny’. Finally, imagine if you can, imagine if your brain can achieve such daring acts of mental athletics, that you are both of these things simultaneously. I know, I know, it’s very difficult, almost impossible, but please, for me, for an old friend, try. I hear you cry, ‘Myles, in what theory of mathematics, in what philosophy of abstract thought, in what world with any kind of justice, in what universe with any underlying laws, is the conjunction of two things so diametrically opposed even a possibility?’ Well I agree with you! I consider it infinitely more likely that King Æthelred will return from the dead, shag the Prime Minister, kill the Queen, seize the throne, invade France, nuke Azerbaijan, and sneeze so hard he sucks the entire universe up his arse. However. Should you be bold enough to venture back to the contents page in this edition, I invite you warmly, no, tepidly, to observe some of the names. Next, should you be braindead enough to pick up a future copy of Vision, I invite you icily, no, sexily, to compare the names and check for any overlap. Far be it from my lowly station to make any suggestions about anything or anyone, to imply or propose, but I suspect, just suspect, only suspect and nothing more, that there might MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT be SOME overlap. SOME overlap. A teeny tiny weeny, itsy bitsy, minute iota of overlap. A bit like a Venn diagram, but a Venn diagram made of shit and underaged nudes. Worst of all, though, ABSOLUTELY WORST OF ALL, this means that, by cruel twist of fate, I will have laughed at something a Vision writer once said. And nothing hurts more than that, except perhaps passing a kidney stone the size of Northern Ireland. What’s that now? Did I ever consider running for Editor of Vision whilst simultaneously being Editor or President of The Lemon Press?

Must dash - ta-ta.

Well I’d love to answer that question, but I have a train to catch. Myles Dunnett 3

Campus

Take your shoes off before you enter...

Improved TLP Recipe: Now with 100% less Dyer.

York Tories' New Logo Causes Controversy The University of York Conservative and Unionist Association have come under fire after releasing their new logo design. The story has ended the months (read: decades) of dormancy amongst student media, but only The Lemon Press has been able to source an image of the logo before the enormous YUSU censor machine was wheeled out of Jim Fudge's office. The Lib Dem society have released a statement claiming that 'this move is clearly a sign of the embedded stigma within the York Tories that goes all the way up to Theresa May's lacklustre leadership', although this intrepid reporter believes it's more of a sign of Theresa May's departure from reality. When questioned on the change, a previous chairman of the York Tories said that 'the popular support for this change has always been in the group, I mean, we all know the figures'. Harry Clay

Politics Department Hand Out Nuclear Launch Codes Instead Of Exam Paper Once again, stressed-out students have been left shaken following blunders by their department in the setting of end of year exams. Students on the third year module, 'Nuclear Disarmament', were expecting a 90 minute exam on current global movements for nuclear disarmament. Instead, students were given the UK's nuclear launch codes, printed out on A4 sheets. Unfortunately the exam began before invigilators noticed the error, resulting in students seeing the nuclear codes and becoming what was described in an apology email as a ‘national security risk’. Upon realising the mistake, the room was sealed and none of the students who sat the exam have been seen since. James Hare described the situation as ‘most unfortunate’. Students will be given the option of resitting the exam — if they are ever seen again. Will Rowan

Harry Clay

Possible Slogans for York at Roses 2020 From the marketing geniuses that brought you the ‘Love York’ graphic with the incorrectly drawn Minster, successfully got 300 whole people to vote in NUS delegate elections, and think putting a picture of the five sabbatical officers on the back of a bus will do for student engagement, comes this shortlist of possible slogans for Roses 2020: Possibly, Just Possibly One People, One YUSU President, One Students Union York Sport: The STUDENT Way Reduce the Deficit with Spending Cuts E-Gamers Rise Up York! It’s the Economy Stupid I’m Not a Crook! What’s the Worst That Can Happen? Chris Small

Politics Department

... the ink is very cheap and fragile.

Campus

Circuit Laundry is the deep state: a thesis.

Kim Kardashian Joins York Law School Kim Kardashian is set to trade in a life of luxury in Los Angeles for a life of relative luxury on Heslington East. Starting in September, Kardashian will be studying for a two year LLB Law degree in York instead of pursuing her apprenticeship in the United States. This struck some followers of Kardashian’s work as distinctly out of character. Rumours began to circulate that she had been offered a considerable amount of money by the University to make the surprise move, in a similar way to how US states vied for Amazon’s new HQ. However, that suggestion was promptly quashed when Kim revealed the real reason she joined: York’s recent ranking of 22nd in the UK for law in The Complete University Guide. Once her two-year degree has concluded, Kardashian will join prestigious York Law School alumni such as Bill ‘Behind Bars’ Baggs and Greg ‘eSport Saboteur’ Waddell. The marketing department is already taking advantage of her celebrity status with the unveiling of a poster campaign around campus, starting today, two years early. Will Rowan

University Bosses Considering Holding Vote on Rent Costs to Give Higher Prices a Democratic Mandate Senior University figures are considering accepting the demands of a group of protestors who are calling for the 'democratisation of rents' with the intention of voting for higher rents. In memos seen by The Lemon Press, the argument for having a vote involving student representatives is gaining traction at Heslington Hall. They intend to call a meeting where YUSU sabbs will be permitted to put forward a motion binding the University to lowering costs immediately, and then to vote against the motion, before opening a bottle of Bollinger. A highly-placed official told us that 'the University administration is listening to the arguments of groups such as "York Cut the Rent" and will take action by having a democratic vote within the extraordinary committee meeting'. Student representatives will be invited along and outnumbered in the vote. 'No, no, but seriously, if you want to show that students believe we should "democratise the rents", then have a campus-wide referendum, get a turnout over 40%, and then come back to us. That'll be the day. Now get out of my office, you stink.' Henry Dyer

Rent Rebellion: Renters Rise Up Rent isn't all that is rising on campus. Students are waking up to a full-on rent rebellion. Following the successes of Extinction Rebellion, we're starting to see non-violent direct action sweep across campus in protest at rising rent costs. Over the exam period, students have organised sit-ins in their own rooms, chaining themselves to their desks, and refusing to leave before either rent rates fall or their exams end — whichever happens sooner. A dedicated few have even glued themselves to their windows and participated in nightly die-ins, in their own beds, from 23:30-8:30. The Lemon Press spoke to one student who had handcuffed themselves to their bedpost although we couldn’t determine whether this was an act of resistance or one of submission. Their demands are simple: declare a cost of living crisis, reduce accommodation costs to net zero by 2025, and tell the TRUTH. Will Rowan

Campus

Want more of this?

Just put this as a header.

Gym-gate: the New Gamergate? The Oxford English Dictionary deﬁnes the word ‘gymnasium’ as ‘a room or building equipped for gymnastics, games, and other physical exercise’ with the origin: 'late 16th century: via Latin from Greek gumnasion, from gumnazein "exercise naked", from gumnos "naked"'. And yet, we are not allowed to attend the gym naked, nor can we be guaranteed the male-only homoeroticism we so desperately crave. Despite these noble (and naked) origins of the gymnasium, the gym on campus is introducing a woman’s hour at the gym. A woman’s hour? What is this? Radio 4? This is, of course, the biggest oppression facing anyone possibly ever. It is a fact that men make up a mere 49.2% of the population, while women make up a staggering 50.8%. Men are clearly the minority. So why do we refuse to admit this? Why is there a Women’s Ofﬁcer and a woman’s hour at the gym when women outnumber us? Introducing a woman’s hour at the gym is the biggest setback to men’s rights since we were told we couldn’t swear at so-called ‘gamer girls’ even though we know they’re all just dumb bitches who don’t know how to game and just want sex. Telling a man he can’t exercise naked, as the ancient Greeks did, is a threat to male bodily autonomy. It’s slutshaming. It’s body shaming. And quite frankly it’s disgusting. Your move, YUSU. Ashvini Rae

Next Year’s D-Bar Events Leaked After the success of this year’s D-Bar events such as Cirque D Soleil and In D Jungle, anticipation for next year’s offering is at an all time high. There has been an unnerving amount of buzz and speculation around the upcoming roster of events. Luckily, help is at hand. One of The Lemon Press’ undercover journalists has gained exclusive access to the Derwent Ents Team’s notes on upcoming D Bar Events. The Schedule for the 2019-20 term is as follows: September: D-mocratic People’s Republic of Korea The freshers are in for a treat as they look to be indoctrinated into uni life early with this event. All night the speakers will be blasting out DPRK bangers such as the ‘North Korean Morning Song’ and ‘Our Glorious Leader’. This event, of course, is a lockin. October: D-seased ‘When will I ﬁnally get an opportunity to wear my 17th century German plague doctor outﬁt in public?!’ I hear you shout. Well it’s clear that the Ents team have heard your cries as they introduce this great plague chic event. November: Delia Smith January: The Great D-pression After the elation of Christmas and the holiday period this themed night will perfectly synergise with the come-down that is January. The Great D-Pression takes party-goers back to the good old days of the 1930s where pint prices will begin at a modest £2.50 but rapidly escalate throughout the night to the point you’ll be wishing George takes you to the side and tells you to look at the rabbits.

Find us on Facebook.

February: D-moted A night out to celebrate your dad’s slow career decline! Only whiskey will be served at the bar tonight and a rain machine has been purchased for maximum pathetic fallacy. You’re out of luck if you’re hoping to dance to some early 2000s hits this evening because the playlist is only two tracks; Exit Music by Radiohead and Mad World – which will alternate throughout the event. Turn back all ye who still have hope! March: Holocaust D-niers An event met with widespread criticism in previous years for many good reasons. Regardless, the Ents team have insisted they will carry on the Uni of York tradition that is rejecting the existence of the greatest atrocity humanity has ever known. When interviewed, The Derwent Ents team were adamant, ‘This is deﬁnitely a good idea. I see no possible way this could upset anyone’. April: D-generates A party dedicated to those who like cheese on pasta. Fuck You. Degenerates like you belong on a cross. Max Hinchley

Issue 14 Recall Notice The Food Standards Agency have found that issue 14 of The Lemon Press, and — I wish to stress this — only issue 14, is unsafe to eat. We are issuing a full recall and refund for all our affected consumers. We will endeavour to continue releasing issues with our signature easily-digestible style. Will Rowan

Campus

Immerse this page in water to reveal your sweepstakes code.

You Wouldn't Steal a YorCup

Student Memes Shockingly Become Relatable

I wouldn’t steal a YorCup. You wouldn’t steal a YorCup. Well, actually you might. Many students are not returning their YorCups to campus cafés. In an attempt to clamp down on such practice, the University has begun a targeted video campaign to inform the student body that not returning their YorCup is stealing. In the short ﬁlm, we see a student hotwiring a 66 bus, stealing a whole seminar room from SLB, and most shockingly of all: taking the sleeve off their beloved Yorcup and stealing another. Take note students, the university (and FBI) are on to you. Who could have foreseen that it would come to this? Not I.

It is that time of the year again, where students are left in shambles as stress from exams and essays take over their lives. And, as it happens every year, tragedy strikes. Students become victim to student meme pages. Facebook, in order to stay relevant, has multiple student aimed, middle aged made, meme pages. Including horrors such as 'My blood is 90% pasta' and 'The face I make when I open the exam booklet' followed by images that really aren’t that funny. Usually students roll their eyes at this desperate attempt for relatability. However, during this time, students are in such a dark place that they can find the most bottom-of-the-barrel humour hilarious. Reports have come in, and say that every student at UoY has liked a student meme at some point this term. The Lemon Press decided to investigate further, but it was difficult to obtain an interview as everyone denied their actions. 'I don’t know why I liked it,' said one student, who wishes to remain anonymous to avoid scandal. 'I just…I had just finished revision for the day, it was 3am, and I saw a meme. It talked about how students feel tired after doing work. And I just thought…haha, I do that.'

Will Rowan

University Stamps out Single-Use Plastic: Campus Lake to Be Banned The campus lake is to be removed by the University as it is revealed that the largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe is in fact, technically, one very large piece of single-use plastic. The shocking revelation was a result of an investigation by YUSU’s Environment and Ethics Committee, seeking to clamp down on items such as plastic straws and disposable cups. The University stresses, however, that there should be no cause for concern for students or waterfowl, as it plans on replacing the campus lake with an innovative ‘YorLake’ scheme. Students will be asked to bring their own bucket-sized lakes onto campus each day, and pour them out at Greg’s Place each morning. This also comes with the added beneﬁt of the lake being regularly cleaned of goose excrement, preferably by Mr Jim Fudge. Cameron Gordon

Campus

Authorities have advised students to remain on alert for these memes, to report any of them to authorities, and to keep tabs on any friends who may fall victim to these monstrosities. We at The Lemon Press wish to let the public know, that if they are struggling, they should talk to someone. Liking a Pikachu meme that relates to how your essay is going will not save you. Lucy Finnighan

How to Know if You’re Actually a MiddleAged Man Having a Crisis and Not a Young Student 1. You turn up for a seminar and everyone subtly shifts away from you. 2. Someone looks across at you in a lecture and mouths the word ‘dad’ with a quizzical expression on their face. That’s weird, your name’s Geoff, not ‘Dad’. 3. When you pee it takes ages to get going and then comes in torrents followed by long gaps. Torrent. Gap. Torrent. Gap. 4. Everyone you try to chat up looks at you with a mixture of pity and disgust. 5. Girls giggle uncontrollably as you shoot past them in your new Porsche. 6. Rather than receiving sexual health advice from your doctor, they order a prostate exam and cholesterol check. 7. Academics keep mistaking you for their colleague, Geoff. 8. Your wife keeps calling you and asking when you’ll be home with the milk. Myles Dunnett

Follow our Twitter @thelemonpress

Man who 'doesn’t see colour' is, in fact, colourblind.

Language For All Gamers Starting in September, the Languages For All (LFA) initiative will add a course in 'gamer words' to its catalogue of courses. Low completion rates have plagued the current scheme; organisers hope that completionists, those who got 1000G on Terminator Salvation, will give their figures a big boost. The course aims to equip gamers with racially sensitive language to use when celebrating a victory royale, opening a lootbox, and existing as well-functioning humans. Those who aren't currently gamers can still benefit by experiencing the 'culture' of gaming. 19 weeks of analysing Fortnite YouTubers will undoubtedly leave a lifelong impression — the impression of their fingerprints being added to police databases. The exam has been rebranded as a 90 minute long quick time event, revision being the grind needed to acquire the ultra rare certificate. The level structure of LFA courses takes on a whole new meaning when gamers are involved. The levels have been provisionally defined as such:

Common: You live in a basement but that's only because of extortionate rent prices. You even clean the room for special occasions such as the release of Kingdom Hearts 3. Uncommon: You've been down a few rabbit holes on YouTube and Reddit, you kind of disagree with a few of the 'theories' you saw but don't want to write them off too quickly. Rare: You've taken the red pill, green pill, and any other pills you could ﬁnd. The Redditors didn't go far enough, you feel like you're Einstein — on the verge of some grand unifying theory. There's a single theme that underlies all your actions. Epic: You gave up on Twitter for Gab and are a moderator on Mark Meechan's Discord channel. The police are aware of your movements. Legendary: You're a gamer, you've lived a thousand lives, and you're the one being oppressed. Applications open soon. Will Rowan

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Campus

Theresa May Not, It Turns Out.

WHO'S IN THE RUNNING? Viktor Orban

(The Budapest Beacon)

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Oxford-educated, power hungry, and strongly eurosceptic, Orban is the perfect man to take over the Conservative Party. Champion of the Hungarian Civic Alliance, he's out to expand his reach, and throw Britain under his wing as well. His natural disposition for conspiracy theories should allow him to build a broad coalition, luring the anti-semitic voters from Labour.

James Durcan Your YUSU President. Former James college chair. He'll be out of a job soon enough, and throwing himself into the ring for leader of the country. He'd be the ﬁrst Prime Minister with a beard since Lord Salisbury in 1901, and the ﬁrst ever without a single opinion. Having experience in taking credit for others work and taking no responsibility for his mistakes, he's in with a good shot of taking the Tory Party by storm. Fresh, honest, politics.

Peter Mannion

(@petermannionmp)

He's modern, he's for locking up yobbos (despite what internal party politics might suggest), he sometimes buys The Big Issue out of social embarrassment. After his successful tenure at the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Mannion is in line for taking the top job. With the old guard moving out, he's ready to move in. Watch out for the odd occasion when he's not got his shirt tucked in!

Dominique Samuels

If this nation needs anything right now, it's a turning point. She has already unveiled her slogan for change: 'I'm Not A Conservative Because I Hate The Poor'. Samuels is aiming to bring back the workhouses, militarise the police, and arrest liberals on the spot, with the handcuffs of facts, and the truncheon of logic. The only thing stopping Samuels now is even the smallest dash of common sense.

Oscar Pistorius

(BuzzSouthAfrica)

If he can run the 100 metre sprint in under 11 seconds without any legs, there's no way his lengthy prison sentence will stop him running the country. As the fastest paralympian runner, he's aiming to run circles around the negotiation table in Brussels, unless he accidentally gets the wrong room and shows up in Strasbourg. He'll be targeting the South African model demographic with hip, new policies, and a 9mm semi-automatic pistol.

News & Politics

We even have a website on Medium…

TLP endorses Clinton 2016.

WHO ARE THESE FUCKS AGAIN? They're the yellowy ones that aren't Scottish. The ones that made your tuition fees more expensive. No? Still no idea? Too bad, because they're having a leadership election too. Vince Cable's attempt at a political, real life Weekend at Bernie's has ended. His arm fell off, the electrodes are all rusty, and one or two people are starting to notice. With this, all the scraps of this ﬂedgling party have come forwards to run the show. Key contenders for the job include Ed Davey, a man I've never heard of, Jo Swinson, a woman I've never heard of, and Norman Lamb, a man I have heard of, but don't like very much. If I were a gambling man, and according to my growing number of debit cards, I am, I'd say Lamb will take it because like the current leader, he's an SDP man who never made it anywhere. Then again, that Jo Swinson got an endorsement from another MP, so who knows. And who cares? Not me. Dozens of people at this university, but not me. There was a rumour swirling around that Chris Small is going to enter the race as a candidate for the grassroots. However, he is said to now be focusing entirely on his US Presidential bid.

How Major Lib Dem Figures Died

A Typical Lib Dem Bar Chart

Leadership Elections You Didn't Know Were Leadership Elections

Gladstone: Bored himself to death Thorpe: Burnt his national insurance card, therefore never existed in the ﬁrst place Smith: All nonced out Lloyd George: Killed himself, and the concept of a Liberal PM Clegg: Quickscoped by Jar3d_0mara

Yemen Civil War Originally a straight ﬁght between the Yemeni government and the Houthi movement, now one of the single most complicated geo-political issues of the modern era. It's pretty bloody complicated. First, there's ISIS. They're not really in contention for the top job, but if they win, we're going to see hard line politics that'd make Nick Grifﬁn's other eye wobble. On top of that, there's the Saudi coalition. If they win, in theory it's a Hadigovernment victory, but this could also be a covert move to give Saudi Arabia an extra stretch of coastline.

Co-Op Secretary General Err, not too sure about this one. Apparently there's some internal Co-Op elections going on? I assume it's for their top brass: military commanders and leaders of their militarised youth wing. There's no way they can be having elections for Fresh Groceries Inspector. Who'd want to spend all day looking at tomatoes to check if they're red enough? Seems a bit silly to me.

Sudanese Revolution Best not talk too much about this one, I value my head on my shoulders. Let's just say it's all very messy.

Top Tips to be a Successful UKIP MEP 1) Start your own YouTube channel to build up a rabid group of followers. To take full advantage of the medium, you'll need to abdicate from any sense of responsibility for your words and actions. 2) Don't bother to go all that way to Brussels. It's much better for your re-election chances if you stay at home, with your constituents, for the whole term — never go to work. This saves on paying for all that expensive train beer as well. 3) Assault another UKIP MEP. Let voters know that you won't be pushed around. Show the party who's boss. 4) Find the most divisive British fascist since Mosely and make them a party adviser. 5) Leave to join an older and even more out of touch party. Then, refuse to call a by-election as you know your constituents no longer want you. 6) Start your own party. It's much easier to ﬁght for what you believe in when you're outside of the party you formed, away from all those very nasty people who you brought into the party in the ﬁrst place.

...no prizes for guessing the domain name correctly.

News & Politics

Lemon Press staff burn in solidarity with Notre Dame.

Bee Movie 2 to Be Set in Notre Dame

Notre Dame to Be Preserved in Minecraft

While the Notre Dame ﬁre has resulted mostly in destruction, a beacon light shines in the distance. This light is in the form of ‘The Bee Movie.’

With over a billion dollars already pledged for the restoration of Notre Dame, Macron has decided to take advantage of Minecraft’s 10th anniversary sale to safeguard the cathedral’s future. Low initial costs (£11.29 on PC) and minimal building time are believed to be the primary considerations behind the decision. Instead of endless debate over how the building should be constructed, now anyone can create their own Notre Dame replete with swimming pools and chests of emerald ore. Macron previously said, ‘...we will rebuild it. All together.' This has clearly been the plan all The Lemon Press official artist's along. recreation of the Notre Dame Fire

People rejoiced when they heard the news that the 200,000 bees living in hives on the cathedral roof, who were initially thought to have perished in the blaze, actually survived. Because of their lack of lungs (note: the writer was very unaware that bees didn’t have lungs and was promptly horrified), the bees weren’t bothered by the smoke, and lived to fly another day. Because of this good news, DreamWorks has revealed that they will be making a sequel to the beloved ‘Bee Movie’. ‘It’s going to be a tribute to the bees of Notre Dame,’ said Jeffrey Small, the current head of Dreamworks, ‘This time, it’s not going to be about a supposedly sane woman who leaves her actual husband for a bee. This time it’s going to be an apocalyptic movie. Barry B. Benson finds himself in the blazing fires of Notre Dame, and watches all of his friends die. Yeah, that’s really not what happened but we need the drama! We’re sure everyone will love this, especially the bees!’ Nicolas Géant, the man who has looked after the cathedral's three beehives since 2013, stated, ‘I don’t want a Bee Movie. No one wants this. A Bee Movie is not a sign of victory. Please leave my bees alone.’ Lucy Finnighan

Burning Building Actually at Notre Dame University in Indiana The world has calmed as fear of a horrific fire ravishing the Cathédrale de Notre Dame were confirmed to be false. The real burning building was revealed to actually be at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana. Fears for the centuries-old cathedral were quickly dashed as it transpired that the Arts & Humanities building at the mid-range Midwestern University was ablaze instead. Indiana State Fire Department would've been quick to the scene but they were rightly sighing relief as is appropriate. Fans of the famous cathedral will be treated to a free opening tomorrow to celebrate the survival of Paris' Old Lady with thousands set to flock to it and enjoy the festivities. Several students, staff, and an outreach group of incel orphans are still said to be trapped in the building with little chance of saving them or the structure. Chay Quinn

News & Politics

The Lemon Press spoke to a pioneering architect, Rachel, age 9, who says she could get the job done before teatime! The substantial remaining funds will secure Notre Dame’s server costs for the next few millennia. Fire spread will be disabled on the server for obvious reasons. Will Rowan

Gamers to Burn Down More Landmarks After Ubisoft Give Away Assassin's Creed: Unity Free Gamers are planning to rise up and burn down more worldwide landmarks following the giveaway of a AAA title by Ubisoft in the wake of the Notre Dame ﬁre. Hundreds of Discord servers have taken a break from sharing altright material to discuss which famous monument linked to the Assassin's Creed franchise could be burned down next in a bid to have Ubisoft release it for free. Suggestions have included the Great Pyramid of Giza, which appeared in Assassin's Creed Origins; the Sistine Chapel, which appeared in Assassin's Creed II; and the entire city of London from Assassin's Creed Syndicate. In private voice chats with our reporter, a gamer [person of game? - Eds.] named 'thej0ker2004' said that the Notre Dame ﬁre was a sign that 'we live in a society' and a call to arms for gamers around the world. They continued, saying: 'Just as the phoenix rises up from the ashes, so too will gamers rise up from the ashes of the society when we have destroyed it and also got some free ga-I'M COMING MOM I'M TALKING TO A JOURNALIST ABOUT MY OPPRESSION' Henry Dyer

Don’t want any more satire?

Gamers rise up? Bit ableist.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

Quiz: Which Tory Leadership Campaign Name Is Fake? Following the announcement by the Prime Minister, Theresa May, that she would be resigning as Leader of the Conservative Party in June, the Tory leadership contest has begun. Can you spot the real leadership campaign name from the fake?

Amazon Milk Frog ﴾NCJ Media﴿

Milkshaked Farage ﴾Amphibian Fact﴿

Nigel Farage Shaken-Up Following Assault(ed Caramel) Nigel Farage is reportedly going completely bananas following his unfortunate encounter with a dairy-based projectile. Footage of Farage frostily walking away from the creaming spread rapidly online yesterday. Although Five Guys were originally suspects, police have narrowed it down to one man who grasped opportunity by the cup. Although the man planned simply to register his discontent by shouting ‘how dairy’, he decided instead to milk his moment of fame. The assalter [You’ve used this one already - Eds.] has been charged with creaminal damage. Farage seems icily determined to use the attack for political beverage in the upcoming European elections. Myles Dunnett

BBC News to Pay £2 Billion for Exclusive Rights to Not Show Brexit The BBC have responded to criticism of not being able to match competitors such as Sky and Netflix when it comes to buying the rights to content, by buying the exclusive rights to not show Brexit. This means that fans of ‘the news’ who don’t want their brains melted by the endless boring talk of ‘alternative arrangements’, ‘time limiting the back stop’, and other assorted bullshit will be able to watch the news safely. This should help make BBC news stand out from its rivals. However, the BBC will not get to experience one of the key benefits of such a deal, the lack of shitty Brexit Game of Thrones analogies, because the piss poor quality of the final season has already prevented at least 90% of shit analogies. UPDATE: The Lemon Press has now apologised for writing this clearly inaccurate story and has had the writer shot for shoddy journalism. We should have realised early in the process that this story was clearly inaccurate because it would involve Nigel Farage no longer appearing on the BBC. Chris Small

Don't go to thelemonpress.co.uk then!

1) Avid for Javid 2) JAV for Javid 3) Hands Up for Hancock 4) Cocks Out for Hancock 5) Brady for Britain 6) Light a Blunt for Crispin Blunt (Legalise Weed) 7) A New Chope 8) Chris grayling for prime minister [campaign 100% not run by chris grayling - chris] 9) My Neck, My Back, Please Vote for Alan Mak 10) Dizzy for Disraeli 11) Crazy for Kwasi 12) Back Fox, Hunt Foxes 13) Trust Truss Henry Dyer

Government Exploring Alternative Brexit Food Sources The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal the Government’s plans to rectify food shortages post-Brexit. These are all taken from top-secret government negotiating documents, designed to show the EU that we don’t need them, honest, guv, and handed to us by Steven Barclay’s [Who? - Eds.] best friend’s sister’s Uncle Geoff. WINE: All wine will be banned. Filthy foreign muck, most of it, and British wine really isn’t worth the bottles it’s put in. MILK, CHEESE and other DAIRY PRODUCTS: Given we will no longer have access to continental cows, we will have to turn to other animals. Cats, maybe. Ginger ones. MEAT: Let’s be fair, there will only be one source of meat in the future. If you want to satisfy your carnal urges, you’ll be made to travel to London and hunt it for yourself. That’s right, if you live within the M25, you’ll be fair game after Brexit. Shut up and deal with it, remoaner scum. PASTA: Italian. BANNED. PIZZA: Ditto CROISSANTS, PAINS AU CHOCOLAT, ETC: Don’t even try it. Alex Howarth

News & Politics

Toussaint Louverture: chad.

John And Sally Bercow's Domestic Argument Recorded in Hansard I must say that Mr Speaker’s command of this debate has been utterly lacklustre, just like his command of the bedroom. The question is whether or not Mr Speaker deliberately downloaded 800 pictures of my sister in a bikini, and there is no evidence that it was accidental. Mr Speaker I must ask–order!–I really must ask that–ORDER! The right hon. member for My Sister-in-law must stop chuntering from a sedentary position! I really must ask that we move now to vote. Sally Bercow (Palace of Westminster) (Lab) Mr Speaker I have not ﬁnished– Mr Speaker ORDER! I know that the hon. member for THIS GRACE AND FAVOUR FLAT has strong opinions on this matter, but she must learn to control herself! Madam, your composure is one thing you must never lose! The motion is as printed on the Disorder Paper. All those of the opinion say ‘aye’. Sally Bercow (Palace of

Westminster) (Lab) AYE! Wanker! Mr Speaker Order! Orderrr! ORDERRRRR! I’m sorry, before proceeding with the vote, I must ask the hon. member for FUCKING MY COUSIN to withdraw the word ‘wanker’ – it is most unparliamentary language and I’m afraid she really must withdraw it or I will be forced to name her. Sally Bercow (Palace of Westminster) (Lab) I withdraw it, Mr Speaker. Mr Speaker I am grateful to the hon. Lady, and thank her for withdrawing her remark. I also thank her for not referencing my height, which cut very deeply last time. To continue with the vote: all those to the contrary, say ‘nay’. Mr Speaker NAY! Sally Bercow (Palace of Westminster) (Lab) (*heckling*) You can’t vote, you’re the speaker! Mr Speaker DIVISION! CLEAR THE KITCHEN!

Holden Caulfield Attends a Lecture So I guess I’ll start there. I had a lecture on Nietzsche with David Ackston on Monday. I don’t usually get up for them but I figured I’d give it a shot. David’s an alright kind of guy really, although he doesn’t seem very Nietzschean to me. He’s always treating people respectfully and making a deal about being ‘intellectually self aware’. I opened the door and entered a room with lots of people and David in his usual slacks. Anyways I’m sort of a Nietzsche expert, I watched the Prager U video a way back but it’s not really the kinda thing I like to tell people about. All they say is ‘Holden get help’, ‘Holden fuck off’, or ‘Holden I don’t even know you please stop telling me about goddamn Nietzsche’. Bunch of goddamn assholes I thought. The lecturer was speaking or something so I figured I’d interrupt. I raised my hand. ‘Do you have a question?’ he asked. ‘No, more of a statement really’. I started talking then, talking about how I’ve been exercising my Wille zur Macht lately (I get beat up way less now) and how the closest English equivalent to untermensch is cuck. Like I said David’s a very tense kind of guy so this incited his höchste apfelreflex and he started to stutter in response. That killed me. It really did. I let him know that. He told me that if I kept talking I’d fail the class. I’m not the kinda guy to respect authority or, anyone, really, but my dad said he wouldn’t belt me if I got more then a 2:3 in any of my subjects so I figured I might as well. I put one earbud in and turned up my favourite song (Wagner’s Tannhäuser Overture) so everyone could hear it and lit a cigarette. Cole Smith

Myles Dunnett

The Police Want You to Tag Your Criminal Friends The police are believed to be behind the creation of several Facebook pages which ask users of the social media platform to inform on their friends. This initiative follows the incredible engagement seen on posts which ask users to ‘tag a mate who’ or begin with ‘we all know someone who…’ Usually these are followed by sweeping generalisations which capture as wide a possible section of their target demographics as possible. However, the new police initiative is very, very speciﬁc and it is hoped, very effective. Will Rowan

News & Politics

We're very far off 3000 likes.

JeanJacques Dessalines: cuck.

Johnny Mercer to Stop Voting with the Government Until Theresa May Gets the Irish to Stop Singing Come out Ye Black and Tans’ Johnny Mercer, Conservative Party MP and a man who found he’d been cucked through insinuations in the comment section of the Plymouth Herald, has announced that he will stop voting with the Tory Party whip until Theresa May gets the Irish to stop singing the Republican song ‘Come Out Ye Black and Tans’. Mercer says that British soldiers and associated paramilitary groups should be free to commit war crimes without relentless musical harassment. Mercer has not responded to the alternative solution of not committing war crimes. Chris Small

Hot Take: The Independent Group Is The Worst Party Since Bella’s 15th (I Assume) In February, seven MPs resigned from the Labour Party to form The Independent Group. Since its founding, an eighth Labour MP joined, along with three Conservative MPs. In a recent interview, the Group’s spokesman Chukka Umunna said ‘we aren’t really a party. But we should be. We’d be a really good party, I think. Please let us be a party, guys.’ But The Independent Group, quite frankly, isn’t anywhere near being a proper party. It’s an ‘omg guys my parents are away for the weekend, you should all come over’ only you go and it’s just five random kids from school sitting awkwardly on the floor drinking Strongbow situation except the Strongbow is watered-down centrist policies and the floor is the very low expectations of the electorate. Or at least that’s how you picture it because you weren’t actually invited even though you invited Bella to your 15th (shady). But it’s fine because Anna told you it was a crap party anyway and it’s not like she’d just say that just to be nice, would she? Plus you had much better stuff to do that night anyway. Not that it’s relevant but who’d want to go to Bella’s 15th when you could spend your Saturday night ‘hanging out’ with your parents who ‘think it’s really cool you don’t care about being popular’ and that you ‘know it’s what’s on the inside that counts’. I so didn’t care. I mean, this isn’t about me. It’s a hypothetical. Plus, it’s been, what, six years? As if I’m still bitter about this. Anyway, I digress. Members of The Independent Group have since visited the Electoral Commission Headquarters and stated their aim to become a ‘proper party’ by the end of the year. But will they succeed? We’ll just have to wait and see... Also, if you’re reading this, Bella, I hope you had a really shit birthday. Ashvini Rae

You can help take us that tiny bit closer.

16th Century Protestant Preacher John Knox Claims Political Correctness Has Gone Too Far John Knox, the 16th-century Scottish theologian, world-class misogynist and one-time presenter of ‘Ready, Steady, Cook!’ that we all know and love, agreed to sit down with us recently to discuss his upcoming Netflix comedy special, ‘Women are human beings (and 50 other lies Lucifer and the liberal elite want you to believe)’. The new show offers a hilarious and kaleidoscopic account of all the humorous trials and tribulations in John’s life, from his healthily abusive home life to his recent discovery of the ancient Japanese art of flower arranging. Old time fans will be glad to hear that the good Reverend Knox remains a crowd pleaser with all his jokes retaining a healthy splash of his signature misogyny. Unfortunately, with women now claiming they have gained possession of something called ‘rights’, some of his old material has been labelled as ‘controversial’. Notably, a convent of witches going by the name of ‘Feminists’ have complained about such comedy gold as Knox’s classic: ‘Why did my wife cross the road? So I couldn’t viciously beat her with a stick!’. When we asked John what he thought about these recent complaints, he flippantly noted that: ‘At the end of the day, these bitches just be jealous of how much poontang I’m getting’. John also told us that he has nearly finished the sequel to his popular novella ‘The First Blast of the Trumpet against the Monstrous Regiment of Women’ which will be entitled ‘The Second Blast of the Vuvuzela Against a mildly irksome collection of Jews, Blacks and Welsh people’. He commented that, although ‘this new work has been a real artistic challenge’ to him, as he’s ‘not as committed to racial hatred’ as other forms of bigotry, he really wants to show his fans that there’s more to him than just misogyny. ‘You know, you get tired of seeing “World’s greatest misogynist” on all the tour posters after a while’ he told us. ‘It’s like, guys, I’m capable of so much more. I don’t just hate women; my hatred is boundless. I just wish people could see all that I have to offer’. Aidan Quigley

Anachronistic Man ‘Just in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time’

Tragedy struck at the eleventh hour yesterday when a man in full knight armour was run over by an autonomous car, trampled by a horse and carriage, and ﬁnally covered in boiling oil thrown from York city walls. A bystander who managed to record all three acts in stunning 4K was equivocal, ‘These things happen, y’know, wrong place, wrong time, and all that.’ An investigation will aim to determine whether the individual was part of a historical reenactment or our ﬁrst encounter with a time traveller. Will Rowan

News & Politics

Bring back the Roses Lager or we'll bring back the guillotine.

A Day in the Life of Julian Assange

probably like what I’ve done with the place though.

08:00 -- I normally wake up and sit and think about the state of the world. It’s depressing. I put my head in my hands and sit there for a while. Then I take a WikiLeak. (Hehehe get it like a leak? Oh Julian, you’ve done it again! ) Anyway, yeah, so I piss. And then I get back to thinking about the world (after I’m finished pissing). 11:00 -- I decide to have some cereal. Cheerios, normally. It’s ironic because what’s there to be cheery(o) about? America bombing the shit out of kids? The eventual heat death of the universe? Friends being back on Netflix? It’s not the fucking 90s, Netflix. Nobody gives a shit about whether Ross and Rachel get back together or whether they drink their coffee at the coffee shop or, hell, even if they fuck their coffee.

17:00 -- After watching more Friends I decide to return to more important matters. 17:30 -- I resist the urge to shag the cat. I am not Shane Dawson. 17:35 -- I make a note to leak the Shane Dawson video. But not after I’m done with it. 17:50 -- I ﬁnish watching the Shane Dawson video and have to have a shower. My ﬁrst in weeks. Yeah, that’ll stop the Ambassador complaining about my ‘bad hygiene’ and the ‘foul smells’ coming from my ‘room’.

12:00 -- I think about spreading my shit all over the walls. Just like how America spreads its western imperialist, military industrial complex, ‘let’s bomb the shit out of ‘em’ bullshit on the world.

17:51 -- I realise it’s possible the smell is from my walls and not me. But you can’t limit my freedom of… expression. America tried it and look how that fucking ended for them. I’m a fucking hero. If I want to shit on the walls I’ll shit on the goddamn fucking walls.

12:30 -- I decided to get back to my contemplations on the world. I think about writing them into a manifesto but then I wonder if the world is ready for it. The world with its consumerist BuzzFeed TL;DR imperialist wank. No, they couldn’t handle this. Plus it saves me actually having to write anything.

17:55 -- I head downstairs to get some food. The Ambassador and his wife start asking questions about my day, whether I’ve eaten and showered and about how comfortable I am. I grab my food and head upstairs. I’m sure to slam the door on my way into my ‘room’.

13:00 -- But what will I do with all this free time? I decide to use my time on something more useful. So I decide to make my mark on the walls. Just like how I left my mark on the world with my acts of heroism in leaking all of America’s war logs. So, anyway, yeah I shit on the walls.

17:57 -- I decide to yell 'you don’t understand me!' just in case they didn’t get the message. They don’t. Nobody does.

13:30 -- Shitting on the walls proves to be hungry work so I sneak downstairs for some food. Ecuadorian. Again. Great.

19:05 -- I realise Rachel’s daughter is probably legal now. I decide to Google her.

14:30 -- I get back to thinking about the world. Maybe in order to understand the capitalist post-intellectual hell we live in, I need to understand ‘pop culture’. I cave and watch Friends but purely for academic reasons.

19:07 -- Holy shit! They’re twins! After that, I get slightly distracted and have a different kind of WikiLeak all together…

16:30 -- Wow they really were good friends. I wonder if I have any 'friends' or anyone to even grab coffee with? Chelsea? No, she’s a bit busy. Trump Jr? Eh, too risky to have him over. He’d

19:00 -- I watch more Friends. I wonder what happened to Gunther in the end.

20:00 -- I go to sleep, hoping I don’t wake up in the same godforsaken place I’m going to sleep in. 03:00 -- I wake up again. It’s impossible for me to turn my amazing genius brain off. Plus I need another WikiLeak... Sue de Nîmes (Image credits: DreamWorks, CNN, Raegan Carmona, Marvel Studios/ Disney)

Left to right: The life of Julian Assange told in pictures 15

News & Politics

Fancy writing for us?

Pull it! Twist it! Bop it! Brexit!

NRA Give Borderlands 3 A+ Rating The National Riﬂe Association have given their full support to Gearbox's latest looter-shooter: Borderlands 3. Borderlands is a franchise known for its vast array of weaponry: millions of ﬁrearms greeting players in the cell-shaded wasteland. In particular, Borderlands 2 showed how just four good guys with a billion guns can stop one bad guy: Handsome Jack. It's a brilliant example of how a society with no gun control can prosper when packaged and sold online.

Facts and Logic World's Biggest Killer John Wick, O.J. Simpson, and the plague have all been overtaken by Facts and Logic as the largest killer in the world. The body count is well documented on YouTube where scores of people have been 'destroyed’ by facts and 'exploded’ due to the logic of certain commentators. Virtual crowds are gathering to watch these brutal executions in scenes reminiscent of Assassin’s Creed Unity’s depiction of 18th century France. The large advertising revenue these crowds generate has ensured that Google will stand idly by as Carl Benjamin’s weaponised logic causes the sixth ‘great’ extinction event. Heated debate has surrounded the identity of ‘patient zero’: the person who introduced this horriﬁc disease upon us all. Dawkins? Shapiro? We may never know. It is highly contagious, infecting others through message boards and an intellectually lazy predilection for easy answers. Teenage boys have been hit hardest with whole social circles falling victim. Research has found strong connections between the contagion and the incel virus — both rapidly invade cells and put many in cells too. A vaccine has yet to be found, although clinical trials of a full lobotomy have shown promising results. Will Rowan

The NRA’s A+ rating place it above games such as Minecraft (D) and Batman: Arkham Knight (F). Batman is notoriously against the second amendment, refusing to carry a gun. His disdain for American success stories such as Bruce Wayne solidiﬁes his reputation as a man The 16th of July 2019: An Argument in Favour of Trident diametrically opposed to American patriots. It is a warm dawn in the peak of British summertime and the nation is stirring This was the central message of their 2015 from its collective slumber. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and every attack ad titled ‘Batman Wants Your Guns’. single porn site now has an age veriﬁcation barrier. What a time to be alive. Republican senators are rumoured to be in favour of a measure which would add this rating to the box of every physical game sold. I refused to ask Randy Pitchford for comment. Will Rowan

As millions of people slowly rub sleep from their eyes, they take a blurry ﬁrst look at their phones. They check their emails, browse Instagram, and then they open Facebook. Their timelines are ﬁlled with news articles about the porn ban – the details of everyone who used their bank cards to verify their age last night have leaked. Now, this isn’t some hokey, rinky-dink leak like Ashley Madison. Oh no, this isn’t just horny middle-aged men too ugly or too poor to bonk the nanny. No, this is serious. You scroll the enormous list in clammy, ashen-faced horror, knowing that buried deep down, somewhere between your cousin and your uncle, your name is there. As you scroll down through the list, you start to notice some familiar names. David Attenborough? Surely not. David Beckham? Well, that’s not such a surprise. We all knew that he was a wan- [NO! -Eds.] Next, you see what you hoped you never would: Mary Berry. Finally, you reach the really bad news – Theresa May’s name is there. Oh the horror, the horror. Finally, after hours of scrolling, there you are: sandwiched in between your siblings, your parents, and your grandparents. A sad indictment of a once proud and noble family turned to orgiastic depravity.

Turning on the television in despair, you see that a news announcement has been called from 10 Downing Street. A blushing Theresa May rambles incoherently about the weather, until staring dead into the camera, and nodding. You nod back knowingly. On the screen Theresa May whispers something into an Admiral's ear. A few minutes later, you feel an intense heat, see a blinding light, and calmly wait for death, knowing that the only antidote to such a national embarrassment is a national act of seppuku. (Wikipedia) Myles Dunnett

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News & Politics

There’s no smoke without fire and there’s no fire without TLP copies.

Primary School Teaching Assistant Discovers Wet Paper Towel is ‘Cure to All Ills’

Although she possessed the inbuilt hatred of youths essential to her profession, Anne Howard initially appeared by all accounts a fairly unremarkable teaching assistant. However, having recently watched a few too many reruns of Holby City whilst always maintaining the notion that, having not failed all of her GCSE Biology exams, she probably could have been a doctor if she’d applied herself more, Anne decided to apply her keen medical eye to the children in her Year 1 class.

Noticing the comparably low occurrences of diagnosed lung cancer and clinical depression in this test group of 5-6 year olds, Anne deduced that there must be a secret behind this glaring anomaly which, if discovered, might bring our entire understanding of modern medical science into question. Although initially focusing her research upon something dubbed ‘tic-tac-toe’, and other such ritualistic ceremonies the youths engage in after feasting daily upon a mysterious sludge they seem to believe is lunch, Anne’s investigations led her to the practise of those administering aid to these ailing creatures. Upon inquiring into the methods of a playtime monitor, known only to other staff as ‘that dragony bitch Miss Collins’, Anne observed the treatment of a student who had recently cut his knee whilst pretending to be a transformer. To Anne’s amazement, the student, named only by Miss Collins as ‘that smeggy scab’, was almost immediately cured by a rough green substance that, when soaked in cold water, seemed to gain magical healing properties. Learning that this arcane material is

TLP Investigation: We Eat Various Unhealthy Foods and See If Tom Watson Appears

From the ‘food and health journalist’ that has investigated the consequences of replacing your five-a-day entirely with Chocolate Oranges, we investigate whether we can get Tom Watson to appear by eating various unhealthy foods. Tea with 2 sugars and full fat milk: No reaction from Tom Watson but the voice of Mike Gapes talking about ‘miwk’ crossing the Irish border could be heard. One packet of crisps: The table began to shudder. Jeremy Corbyn’s jam: Tom Watson sets up a new group within the cupboard, in order to allow moderate jams to stay within the cupboard rather than defect to TIJ (The Independent Jams). A two-litre bottle of full fat Coke: The ground underneath the table was torn asunder. Tom Watson threatened to inflict six plagues on the TLP offices, a redundant threat because no plague is worse than the asbestos in Eric Milner. Full fat Garfield’s tit[IT'S TIME TO STOP - Ed.]

News & Politics

Chris Small

commonly called a ‘wet paper towel’, Anne was convinced she had found the source of these student’s good health and proceeded to publish her ﬁndings in a leading medical journal. Utterly convinced by the irrefutable evidence of Anne’s study, the ‘wet paper towel’ (or WPT as it is known amongst medical circles) is currently undergoing clinical trials, with recent reports indicating that the NHS are considering implementing this ground-breaking new treatment on a national scale. Foreign health services have also expressed a desire to replicate the success of the ‘wet paper towel’ treatment with specialists from China to Canada striving to perfect and eventually standardise both the coarseness of the paper and the ideal level of moisture. Indeed, such contentious issues have caused a great divide within the medical community of late, with a violent physical confrontation recently being recorded at a medical conference between two specialists arguing over the water content of the ideal wet paper towel. One leading WPT specialist told us that he saw an impending split within the research community between advocates of the ‘semi-moist’ and ‘practically dripping’ WPT. Regardless of these scientiﬁc disputes, doctors have recorded promising results for the treatment. One test subject told us that, while he ‘used to have a terminal brain tumour’, now he has ‘a damp forehead’. Aidan Quigley

Proposed Electoral Slogans for the Independent Group WE'RE NEITHER A POLITICAL PARTY, NOR ARE WE 'NOT' A POLITICAL PARTY, BUT SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN! KRSSSSHTNXXXTHVKS *UNHOOKS JAW TO CONSUME A LIVE VOLE, REVEALING GAPING REPTILE MAW UNDER UNCONVINCING HUMAN FLESH SUIT* TIRED OF POLITICS BEING INTERESTING? KNEEL BEFORE YOUR CENTRIST OVERLORDS, PROLETARIAN DOGS! SOMETIMES THE MOST RADICAL REFORM IS NO REFORM AT ALL! WE ARE NOT THE SDP, CATEGORICALLY! SERIOUSLY THERE WERE FOUR OF THEM AND THERE ARE ELEVEN OF US, IT'S A GANG OF SEVEN WHOLE MORE! BRITAIN (BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY POLITICAL CAREER) ISN'T WORKING

OUR

COLLECTIVE Tom Davies

Meetings are on Thursdays.

YAS KWEEN: sabbs to be replaced with Queer Eye’s Fab Five.

TLP S/S19 Collection

Model on the left: Harry Clay, wearing a mud brown blazer he found in a bin (£0), over a creased navy blue shirt left to him by a dead loved one (also £0). On the right: ‘fashion icon’ Henry Dyer rocking a similar blazer (in black, and with a smarter cut) from Zara (£50), paired with a tasteful cashmere jumper in the shade ‘congealed blood’ (£30). Finally, the stunning Chris Small can be seen in a wellcreased over-sized shirt (gifted by someone else Harry pulled the plug on, so £0), and a pair of blue jeans his mother bought him (£??)

Get the Look for Less: Nigel Farage

Why I’m Not Shaving This Summer Summer is on its way, and this often comes with the expectation that women must have perfectly smooth legs. Once the shorts come on, the hair must come off, and women are told to shave their legs in order to be deemed ‘hygienic’. It’s gotten to the point where even shaving adverts feature hairless models. Women’s leg hair is so disgusting that a razor advert can't even show how their product works. So you can imagine the questions I receive when I tell people that I am refusing to shave this summer. Is it a political stance? A protest? A social experiment? An education experience? Well, I’ll tell you.

Men's Grey Slim Fit Italian Flannel Suit – Premium 1913 Collection: £199.00

7 PM in D-Bar, be there.

Mcdonald’s Banana and Salted Caramel Milkshake: £1.59

I kin the Yeti. Lucy Finnighan

Lifestyle

All this satire and no ammonia.

Met Gala 2019 Review This year’s Met Gala was buzzing with press coverage, including The Lemon Press. As this year’s theme was 'camp', the paparazzi was desperate to see how celebrities had used their styling capabilities (but mainly their money, which paid actual stylists who will never be named) to adhere to the idea of 'camp'. And unfortunately to say, we at The Lemon Press were rather disappointed. The theme of 'camp', which invokes ideas of summer camp, tents, campfires, and the great outdoors, was very lacking in the outfits. Here is our review of some of the big players. Harry Styles: Harry Styles’ hair definitely matched the rugged look that one gets at camp, and perhaps with the black lace, he was attempting to recreate the sky one sees in the night of a forest, but it’s a thin stretch. 4/10 Lady Gaga: Her makeup was a little overboard for the makeup one usually wears while camping, but the act of losing more and more clothes can be seen as a reflection for how much shit I have lost while out there. I know a bear has my jeans. I just know it. 6/10 Billy Porter: Billy Porter dazzled in a bird-like costume. Though I have never seen a bird so spectacular while camping, one must applaud him for actually dressing like nature. Him being carried in by others also reminds me of my friend, Bethany, who didn’t carry a single thing when we went camping, and that bitch has blighted my camping experiences for the last 20 years. 7/10 Janelle Monáe: None of the colours she wore matched the colours of the wild. The face on her dress had makeup. Clearly, she had no idea what the theme was. -1/10 Céline Dion: Her headdress reflected a load of tree branches, which gives her points for an otherwise misdirected outfit. The theme of white did seem to portray a winter climate. Does Celine go camping in the winter? What a weirdo. 5/10 Natasha Lyonne: Her dress was very angular, as if there were two tents on her shoulders. Very acceptable. 8/10 Ezra Miller: While his outfit did little to match the theme, his makeup did make him look like that creature I saw once while camping. They tried to tell me it wasn’t real, but I saw It, I KNOW WHAT I SAW. 7/10 Serena Williams: Her dress was a lovely colour, filled with flowers that one can enjoy while sleeping in a meadow. However, her Nike shoes, which were pristine, were clearly mocking the muddy hiking boots and crocs trends of campers alike, so she loses points. 3/10. Clearly these celebrities need to fire their stylists, and step up their fashion game. If The Lemon Press is better at judging fashion than you, you have a severe problem. Edit: We have just been informed that 'camp' was not actually what we thought it meant. Our Bad. Though granted, we have still understood the theme better than Karlie Kloss. Lucy Finnighan

The Wilson family were so committed to the theme, that they missed the ceremony and went camping. True fashion icons. (Active Kids)

Lifestyle

We always need writers, video makers, and artists!

Graduating soon? Get ready for pain.

Serial Killer Disappointed FitBit Didn't Record Last Night's Spree Coming home from a particularly strenuous night of murder, he stopped to check his new Fitbit Versa. 1,700 steps, 10 active minutes, horrifying. It must have stopped tracking after he jumped through the 5-storey window and swam like Jaws on the hunt for his next victim. He’d raced around town like a madman for at least two hours after that, hacking away at business associates and making sure he looked good while doing so. He knew he'd taken those steps, the steps necessary to create a crescendo of violence, but it looked like he'd never took them. This lack of evidence is set to be used as his defence when he goes to trial. ‘If my Fitbit didn’t record it then it’s as if I never had an axe to grind’. Will Rowan

One unhappy customer calling the complaints hotline (Bustle)

Uh Oh Sisters! James Charles Accused of 'Not Being His Best Self' No tea, no shade, but James Charles, a beauty guru and YouTube Star, has been accused of catfishing the soccer team at his high school, pretending to be a girl in order to receive nude photos from them. This is obviously not super cute! This accusation stemmed from a video by fellow YouTuber Tati, who also accused Charles, 19, of plagiarising a foundation that she’d designed herself. Those vibes were fully sent into the world by Twitter user @asapalanna, calling Charles a bully and a predator, and the internet collectively responded with the 'shade' sound effect from RuPaul’s Drag Race. Because of these accusations (the plagiarism, not the sexual manipulation), Charles has lost a whopping 3 million subscribers in the past 3 days. (Including Kylie Jenner! The shade!) While he did attempt to make an apology video, involving the customary sitting on the floor and dark grey hoodie that all YouTube apology videos have, his viewers weren’t buying it. His fake tears highlight was poppin’ though! We at The Lemon Press are so glad that Charles’ problematic behaviour has finally come to light. Of course, women of colour and the LGBT community have been saying this about Charles for literally years, but obvs that doesn’t count! It really needed a white woman and straight men to validate claims that Charles was acting like a little savage! And that is the tea hunny! Lucy Finnighan

Stolen from Buzzfeed: The Last Type of Lemon Cake You Ate Dictates How You Will Murder Your Family Lemon Drizzle Cake: You will kill your family in a conventional murder-suicide using a gun. Lemon and Poppy Seed Cake: You will lure your family onto the North Yorkshire moors before murdering them with a weapon of your own choice because you’re a free thinking individual. Lemon and Blueberry Cake: You will poison your family at a family dinner in order to cover up your ﬁnancial crimes. Lemon Cheesecake: You are in fact the Zodiac Killer. Lemon Tart: Not a cake. You will fail to kill your family, and you will only try to kill them because you can’t be bothered to sort out their national insurance numbers. You will kill the family dog instead. Chris Small

None of these? Join us all the same.

Lifestyle

Gamer? I hardly knew her.

£300 Gamer Chair Rated Excellent for Dumping Growing Pile of Dirty Clothes During Sleeping Hours The Deadly Tier Gaming Chair Extreme (True Minority Oppression Edition™) has been rated as 'excellent' across all three major review criteria. The criteria, used across the industry by Gaming Chair journalists with the slightest shred of integrity, are: 1) Ability to withstand growing pile of dirty clothes moved alternately from gamer bed (race-car, since you asked) to Gaming Chair. The chair was found to be able to comfortably store three weeks worth of festering laundry before odour transfer (5 stars) 2) Capacity for crisp crumbs to be stored in crevices of fabric for emergency consumption. Our chair analysts were amazed by the capacity of this chair, which was found to be around 160g of Dorito crumbs, with the ﬂavour remaining fresh and tasty after retrieval. (5 bags) 3) Attractiveness of the CGI girl on the branding. In the words of our analysts, 'A tasteful delight for the senses. Superior to any "3D" "real" "woman". Triangular bust - need I say any more?' (500000 polygons) Henry Dyer

TLP to Become Exclusive on Epic Games The next issue of The Lemon Press will be an exclusive on the Epic Games store, despite initially being expected to launch in Campus Media bins. We tried speaking to the editors of TLP, however we were unable to speak to them because they were obstructed by a massive stack of money. A spokesperson for The Lemon Press said that this was about being able to improve the quality of the Lemon Press to the next level, we’re not sure how they could say that with a straight face given the massive amount of cash TLP has been given and the fact they used the words ‘Lemon Press’ and ‘quality’ in the same sentence. Note: Whilst this article is satirical TLP is willing to become an exclusive on the Epic Games store, or any other online platform for that matter, in return for a large stack of cash. If you would like to give us a large stack of cash please send it in a brown envelope to Citrus Media Group, Eric Eric Milner Ayyyyy Milner A Block. Chris Small

TLP Writers' Gaming Accounts Deleted by FragSoc Chair's Uncle Who Works at Microsoft In the wake of Gamergate 2.0, tragedy has struck Lemon Towers when the gamers of the society — both that which we live in, and also the society of TLP — awoke to ﬁnd their gaming accounts had been deleted. Accounts belonging to writers for this magazine on Steam, uPlay, Epic Games, Origin, Battle.NET, Xbox Live, Playstation, Nintendo, Minecraft, Roblox, BYOND, Twitch, and BigTiddyGothGFSimulator Online, were found to be permanently suspended with the writers unable to log-in. Upon appeal to customer service agents, writers were informed their accounts had been suspended by orders from 'Big Boss/ Naked Uncle'. 'Big Boss/Naked Uncle' is claimed to be the alias for a secretive ﬁgure at Microsoft and several other companies. Highly placed sources at the companies, and a gloating message left on our Youtube account, reveal 'Big Boss/Naked Uncle' is the uncle of the FragSoc chair, who is understood to have called in the hit on the accounts. A writer for The Lemon Press, who wished to be referenced by their former username, '[QPU]Scuttlebug_Jamboree', said of the 21

Science & Tech

loss of their account: 'REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE[Continues for 94 seasons of Football Manager - Ed.] Henry Dyer

How to Tell if the Video Game You’ve Just Bought is Actually Just a Pack of Cards 1) It’s not a disk or a digital download, it’s a just a pack of cards. 2) It doesn’t have a ridiculous number of bugs on launch day. 3) Doesn’t have loot boxes. 4) Does not have a battle royale game mode yet. 5) It’s not an exclusive on the Epic Games Store. Chris Small The Joker card is the gamer card

Please buy membership…

TLP says Gamers Rights.

Let’s Play: It by Ear While walking back from the shops, you bump into an acquaintance you’ve not seen in many months. Compellingly written dialogue that perfectly encapsulates the nothingness of your conversation occurs, and he is forced to suggest catching up properly. There is, of course, only one correct option to take here: you tell them that you should both ‘play it by ear’ in terms of making proper plans. It by Ear is the latest game from British developers Idiomatic Studios, known for their previous release, Risk of Rain Check. Their open world conversation driven game features a combination of scripted and procedural situations to navigate in a contemporary England setting, as well as a bonus set of levels occurring at a school. In these levels, players are challenged to catch other children by the ear before running away from the[That’s enough journalism - Ed.] Henry Dyer

Gamers Given Zero Star Hygiene Rating by FSA Unfortunately for any gamers looking to become a legit snack, the entire group has just been given a 0 hygiene rating by the Food Standards Authority. Auditors said to ﬁnd various bodily ﬂuids around the gamers as well as dead rodents in the crevices of their chairs. Martin Petcher

JML Unveil New All-JML-Products-In-One Product New from JML… they’re incorporating all the things you love into one £3000, 150kg monstrosity. It doubles, triples, quadruples up as a light motion activated sensor, a ‘bobble off’ ﬂuff remover, a pet grooming glove, and so much more. Here are a few more features:

Huawei Banned From University Infrastructure The University have followed in the footsteps of the United States in banning use of Huawei technology in critical University infrastructure. Eduroam has been identiﬁed as a critical vulnerability which the Chinese government are keen to exploit. Crucially, the Circuit Laundry app will be removed from Huawei devices with immediate effect in a devastating blow for the technology company. Will Rowan

... we need it to survive the summer.

Straightening brush: technological innovation allows for the inbuilt hoover to do a decent job at straightening hair. Foot scrubber: attach the razor blade attachment to the gaspowered mop and let it do its work. Personal heater: Using the foot scrubber and straightening brush simultaneously causes the whole device to overheat — providing comforting warmth. Will Rowan

Science & Tech

TLP now BANNED in the USA!

Man Becomes Instant Financial Expert After Listening to Freakonomics Audiobook On the Train This One Time David Davidson, University of York undergraduate and currently Professor of Economics at Davidson University for Intellectual Chads, is an imposing figure. He sits behind his mahogany desk, surrounded by an impressive collection of printouts of Reddit debates he has engaged in. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, he was eager to recount his extraordinary story to The Lemon Press. He promises that you too can share in his enlightenment. 'I was just on my way back from London when, bored out of my mind, I decided to read through my download of Freakonomics (from my free Audible™ trial)', he said, between sips of cognac from a Wolf of Wall Street mug, 'When I pressed play, an astral projection of Steven Levitt suddenly phased through the window and wailed, 'Money does things, you buffoon, you brazen fool, I am very intelligent'. Since then, I have spread his gospel to every one of my Tinder dates, who have been so awestruck by my financial knowhow, that they left early and haven't replied to my messages yet. They must still be in a catatonic state.' When asked as to how The Lemon Press' readers might benefit from this revelation, he replied that they should follow his LinkedIn and 'Totally go out with me hahapleasewhydidVeronicasaythatweshouldseeotherpeople ;)' [This article was brought to you by Audible.com™. Start your 1 month free trial today with the code: xX_BigLemon666_Xx - Ed.] Marvin Drury

Pantomime Actor Reveals They Actually Did Hear You The First Time It is a staple of the pantomime theatre: a question asked to the audience, with a roaring reply that is too quiet until the third time of asking. But this trope can today be revealed as a lie, carried out by performers for generations and jealously kept as a strict industry secret. A pantomime actor, who has been given anonymity for fears of threats to their career and life, made the exclusive revelations to The Lemon Press. 'When we say, "I can't hear you!", we really can. The sound of the screaming audience of enthralled kids would be impossible to miss, but there's a cover-up culture within the industry of ignoring the ﬁrst two screams and only accepting the third.' This is thought to be just one of the tactics set as industry standard by The Dames, a secretive upper echelon of the pantomime world who rule with an iron ﬁst. Our source told us that 'everyone knows about what they did to a Robin Hood who once said they heard the second shout and didn't ask for a third. He's not been the same since they put The Beanstalk up him. 'That's not the only secret, you know. We know that they're behind us, but we're forced to live in mock terror of the villains of the show, but a very real terror of the villains of the industry. A Dick Whittington who played at York once said "oh, yes he is" instead of "oh no he isn't!", and let's just say, he's just called Whittington now.' Henry Dyer

Book Review: Why I Am No Longer Talking To The Lemon Press About Race (RRP £4.99, Amazon)

This charming piece of non-ﬁction currently topping the Nouse editor and bestseller list, is an exploration of the structural problems around racial discourse in student media. The ﬂow of the book is hampered by its white typeface on white paper because its author, Peter Sprinter, couldn’t tell the difference between black and white ink. Overall though, the book hits home as it aims to achieve true intersectionality by allying itself with an often-forgotten but badly marginalised group: The Gamers ™ Martin Petcher

SHOCKING:

OUT OF PLACE PROP FOUND IN LATEST GAME OF THRONES EPISODE! (HBO)

Arts

Will Rowan

Feel the burn of our hot takes on Twitter.

This issue was built using a prototype of Huawei's 5G network!

Marvel Universe Latest: Villains Seek to Resurrect Vision Using Infinity Stones A gang of villains intends to use the Infinity Stones to resurrect and take control of Vision for their own diabolical ends, The Lemon Press reports. Vision was shut down by the mad titan Finnos after going too far, suffering delusions of grandeur and plotting media domination. The same could be said of Vision. Now that Finnos and his henchmen are moving on, the Lemon Avengers, a motley crew of liberals and members of the Mutant United Nations, have plans to capture the Infinity Stones and use their power to bring Vision back from its destruction. 'With all the stones together, it’ll take just a snap of my fingers,' snarled Nick Furious, the four-eyed leader of the Lemon Avengers, from the Lemon Avengers’ lair, 'and Vision’s death is erased from history. No one will know about its embarrassing decline and destruction.' 'If we get the Infinity Stones together, not only can we restart Vision,' cried Small Man, 'but we can put it towards another campaign against the shadowy organisation that is at the root of this evil.' The Lemon Avengers must first acquire the Infinity Stones, which are said to be in some of the most bizarre and forgotten places across the known world. 'We know where some of the stones are not,' said T’Chayla, better known as the Black(ish) Panther. 'The Space Stone is not in the library, the Reality Stone is not in the prospectus and the Power Stone is definitely not in the Sabbs’ office.' However, before getting anywhere, the villains must first win a civil war. Irony Man, former head of the Lemon Avengers, has split with the group, saying that Vision is not worth resurrecting. But Irony Man was just being 'an Incredible Sulk', one member of the Lemon Avengers told us. As the Guardians of the Media have all graduated, will the Lemon Avengers succeed in their dastardly plan or will a new team of heroes rise up and restore justice to campus? Reynard

How to Move Your Audience When presenting to an audience, moving them is imperative. I advocate a hands-off approach — moving them as much as you possibly can without putting your hands on them. I will now give you all the techniques necessary to make a powerful impression, one your audience will never forget. Set off the fire alarm. Let’s start with the basics; the glass ceiling of audience movement can’t be broken without smashing glass. It won’t take long after the floor has become a sharp hell that they’ll know they’re dealing with a pro. Each shard will reflect their anguished faces and reflect well on your audience-moving skills. Paint all the seats red and invite a bull. Bulls don’t see the colour red but in the ensuing panic caused by the charge of a 1,100 kg beast, your audience won’t even notice. Package them all in removal boxes and let the removals company do the heavy lifting. This technique isn’t as simple as it may seem. First, tell your audience that you’re starting the talk with a group activity — experiencing what it’s like to be a battery farmed hen. Now that they’re all feeling very claustrophobic you should invite your team to start the moving. Apply ‘fragile’ stickers at your own discretion. Gatecrash an existing event. Find the busiest event you can and turn up uninvited. Create such a ruckus that they all leave, let your lot in and then promptly ship them out again using one of the outlined techniques. Start speaking. Start speaking without buying my eBook on ‘How to Keep Your Audience’. The book includes all the tips and techniques needed to ensure your audience never escapes your speech, presentation, or weekly meeting at 19:00 in D-bar. The first two tips involve barricading the door and coating all the seats with superglue. Available now! Will Rowan

Please don’t burn this copy.

Arts

It's nearly over. Please don't make me leave. Please. I'll do anything.

Big Streamer Payout Raises Questions Over Gaming Integrity It has been reported that developers are spending more than £50,000 for Twitch streamers to play and promote their games through secretive marketing campaigns. These big names include Ninja, who had recently declined promoting The Outer Worlds for Obsidian due to there being not just one, but numerous women in it. 'I can't say I'm all too thrilled about this' said a Rockstar employee who wished to remain anonymous, never once ﬂinching as their scheduled Beatings of Production were administered by senior staff [we advocate ethics in gaming journalism, not gaming development - Ed.]. 'We think it's going really well.' stated a Ubisoft spokesman to our correspondent, 'We were thinking of scheduling some sort of party for our most dedicated streamers. Maybe on an island somewhere.'

Top 5 Games That Should Be Made Into Movies With the recent announcement to delay Sonic the Hedgehog's premiere at the box ofﬁce in order to administer his rabies vaccines and alloted quarantine, there's been the question of what other video games should recieve the cinematic treatment. Here's some Lemon Press-approved suggestions. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (2005): The seminal stealth game directed by Hideo Kojima has you sneak around in a swamp. There's a bunch of story stuff involving spies and a man with a suit made of bees too, but literally nobody wants to see that. Instead, viewers will be treated to such classics as wrestling crocodiles, burning leeches off Solid Snake's muscular pectorals with a ﬁne Cuban cigar, and a questionable attitude towards women. Directed by Lars Von Trier. Fallout: New Vegas (2010): This one will be tricky to adapt, but its compelling narrative, philosophical complexity, and amount of cowboys is hard to ignore. The climax of the movie will be the conversation over Hegelican dialects between Caesar (Patrick 25

Arts

Stewart) and The Courier (Ryan Reynolds/Gosling/ McDefaultProtagonist), only to subvert expectations it'll be the 2019 Zizek/Peterson debate photoshopped to take place in a tent in Death Valley. Garfield Kart (2013): The deep lore of Jim Davies' comic is a veritable font of wisdom from which to draw on for this adaptation. Garfield himself (played by Bill Murray (at gunpoint)) would find himself thrust into a surreal, Dadaist world in which people must race in death-mobiles for steaminghot plates of lasagna — the currency in this dystopian society. Losers are exiled to the outer plains, where every day is Monday. We will also find out once and for all whether Garfield tiddy milk is actually vegan. DOOM; Nuts.wad (The 90s Babeyyyy!): 'But wait!' I hear you cry. 'We've already had a DOOM movie! We're having another DOOM movie this year for some reason despite DOOM having as much story as the text on a shampoo bottle! Why do we need a third?' Well, let me posit you a question, bad opinion-haver: Do you want to see our protagonist (played by Danny DeVito; I'm emailing his agent as we speak) activate God-mode and sprint across the heads of innumerable revenants until he reaches the other side of the room? And THEN SPRINT BACK AGAIN? Yeah. I thought so. Move over, Andy Warhol's Blue Movie. There's a new conceptual masterpiece in town. Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training (2006): Self-explanatory. You see them in CEX. You watch them on Twitch. You might even play League with one next year. You think they're gamers just like you. You're wrong. Dead wrong.

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Biting Satire the STUDENT Way.

A Message from Your President in Exile: Chris Small We are now over three months on from the greatest travesty of democracy since Julius Caesar saw the Rubicon and thought ‘It’s not that deep, I could probably cross that’. Since then I have been in hiding, which is very hard when you’re wearing a very obnoxious neon green jumper and red trousers. I’ve been living the past few months like some kind of budget Emmanuel Goldstein from 1984. Since I’ve been in exile, an Iron Curtain has descended across campus from Wentworth to Constantine and from 22 Acres to the Science Park. Despite being in exile, I continue my fight for freedom: the freedom to drink Stella in D Bar, the freedom to search for oil in the largest plastic bottomed lake in Europe, and the freedom to remember the Queen of our hearts, Princess Diana. At this point I would tell you how to get involved in the fight for freedom, but I haven’t yet worked out a way to do this without revealing my location to YUSU, who have been desperate to end my resistance to their totalitarian regime. Whilst I’ve been in exile I’ve had a lot of free time to think. I've shown to you, and York, that I have solutions to the big problems facing students. However, as this is now my only form of communication with the outside world, I want to give you a glimpse inside myself — like EA Access but free and not run by EA. To do this, I have conducted a tough Q&A — with myself. Q: Why do you Love York™? A: Ronald Reagan called York a ‘shining city upon a hill’ and it’s hard to disagree with his assessment. In fact, York was founded upon seven hills after Romulus killed Remus and Lupin. Ed Sheeran was a man. York welcomes all — including these people. Look at me. Look at the photos at the top of this page or on social media. York accepted this man, me! If that doesn’t show the incredible, inclusive environment we’ve built then what does? Q: What has the incumbent done well, and what would you do differently? A: Jim Durcan did a phenomenal job at motivating me to run for YUSU president. John Durcan promised to tackle First Bus and complained bitterly as they raised prices on his watch. I admire Jonty’s enthusiasm and stubborn refusal to let reality guide his decisions or policy making procedure — a technique I intend to perfect. However, Durcan’t take all the credit for plenty of talk and little action; all the full-time officers can bask in that glory. I make no pretenses, I’m like a paper bag in the wind, completely at the mercy of forces outside of YUSU’s control. However, like a paper bag, you can cut me two eye holes and wear me as a mask. That’s exactly what I want to do — see things from your perspective. Together we can make a fierce outfit. Q: What on Earth is 'the STUDENT way'!?!? A: I’ve searched all over York to find the fabled ‘student way’. I like to think of it as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the spot on a treasure map marked by a large ‘X’. It does not exist in this realm of existence. I can only conclude that it is not a physical location but a state of mind — a twisted state of psychosis. Sniffing glue around the clock and watching Garfield videos help on the journey there but won’t get you all the way to the ‘student way’. I knew I’d found the student way when I looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw a 60 year old, 7 foot tall, 300lb man looking back at me. That’s the student way. Q: When’s your 'Victory Party'? A: I know, I know. I promised a victory party, a party to celebrate all our successes together. No fear, I am a man of my word. Today I unveil my political party: Chris Small’s Victory Party. We were meant to be fielding candidates in the European elections but it’s hard to organise such events from the Ecuadorian Embassy… I’ve said too much. I will be in touch.

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Features

Next edition of The Lemon Press will be made entirely of silicone.

An Address From Viscount Clay

Tradition. Few other things make such an impact as tradition. It was our proud tradition of education that brought us this very establishment, our imperial tradition of colonial atrocities that built us such a fine empire, and the remarkably unusual tradition of giving the proprietor of this publication a small column. Now that treacherous villain, the ‘Reverend’, before me has died, it comes down to me to bestow to you all my views of the world in this small section of print. In these mere written words, I will impress upon you my vision for the future of this newspaper, the good, Christian, moral values I think all you dear readers should hold close, and a few of the many tales from my long life. At this point, it seems only proper to elaborate on who I am. My name (and title, you should be using it), is Viscount Clay; Lord of Hougun Manor, esteemed proprietor of the Clay & Co Bottling Factory, and now the chair of The Lemon Press. I am, to put it bluntly, one of the richest men in England. Every major park, landmark, business park, and retail park in the country has had my construction company, my property development company, or my banking and finance corporation involved in some way. It was my bricklayers that built the ‘Boddington World of Bricks’, my engineering team who masterminded the ‘Stockport Steam House’, and my slightly estranged gardener who created the world's largest greenhouse. Of course, to you and I, it was known as the world's deadliest greenhouse, with several hundreds left dead, but that’s a fact left to the side. All you need to know is that I have extraordinary amounts of wealth at my disposal. And it’s this huge wealth that brings me to you. Not how I came across it, or where I’ve spent it all, but one particular purchase that brought me here. Several years ago, I was drinking with a few friends in our favourite pub, the Buggered Frenchman. The drinks were so expensive that no ruffians, povos, or general scum could come near, and the decor of the place evoked memories of Agincourt, Waterloo, and Trafalgar all in one go. At this time, I had recently increased my wealth through a successful series of investments in double glazing. When I brought this to the attention of my esteemed drinking partners, all equally as disgustingly rich as I was, one particular chap mentioned a new asset making scheme he devised with his lawyer. I now know this lawyer to be as crooked as a sheep rustler, and the scheme to be the crook the sheep rustler used, but this was not made apparent. The idea, was that I could, in exchange for an enormous amount of money, insert my own clauses into people's wills. This would leave anything down to my whim, so long as I wrote the last sentence on the document, and the lawyer would guarantee it. Now, this seemed foolproof, but as a younger man I was a fool, and my foolishness led to foolhardiness. It was later revealed that the actual cost of amending a will was half of what I had been paying. Through this, the slimy, untrustworthy lawyer himself would put his name at the bottom, taking the real riches away. However, in order to try and convince us that we weren’t As drawn by Holly Palmer being tricked, he left us one or two things as commiseration. On one such occasion, the death of a Mr. Callum Gearing, a small time tyrant and pornography merchant, this lawyer took his wealth, family home, and even, family. I was left with only the remnants of his career in print media, a mostly seedy affair. In these damp rags however, was a dry rag. A dry, witty, sharp rag with pointy, satirical edges. Yes, I had found The Lemon Press, a side project he entertained when he didn’t have the vigor to pursue the rest of his media outlets. Now, I could have just barged in, claiming it as rightfully mine, but my career was as successful as it had ever been, and there would have been rough competition, an order of succession was already in place. But it was always in my mind, my rightful satirical newspaper. And now we come to today. Not quite today, several months ago really, but in all practicalities today. There was no succession left. The prior leader left this publication in the dust, so here I am. The hoovering of The Lemon Press begins today, and I’ve got the Dyson. Viscount Clay

Features

Can you draw cartoons?

Heaven is a place on Hes East.

Fans Lambast Champions League as It ‘Goes To Shit’ in Final Few Matches

Israel and Palestine Put Down Guns for a Game of Football

Many have been left disgruntled by the final few matches of what was otherwise a critically acclaimed season. They argue that all their likeable protagonists were killed off too early, leaving only a bad taste in their mouths as Spurs and Liverpool faceoff in the finale. They believe that the final showdown should have contained FC Barcelona, who were touted as the ultimate villain all season, until they were unexpectedly killed off by Liverpool. The reds came back from being 3 goals down in the first leg leading to cries that this defeat was merely ‘fan service’ and was ‘unearned’. Another issue with the season identified by fans is that a season of groundwork and setup on the Ajax plotline as a budding, young giant-killer has been ruined by UEFA’s decision to knock out the team in the semifinals. Watchers of the game called Tottenham’s comeback from a three-goal deficit ‘unrealistic’ and were upset that their expectations were subverted. Meanwhile in Champions League spin-off show, The Premier League, Manchester United’s sending to the Europa league at the denouement of the campaign was also attacked as fans believed this was a ‘too predictable’ outcome.

In an extraordinary move, both Israeli soldiers and Palestinian civilians agreed to a short ceasefire where a game of football was played between the opposing sides. The ceasefire came out of the blue, at least according to sources close to the incident. One Israeli soldier, who wishes to be unnamed told The Lemon Press, 'I was in the middle of holding a child at gunp… I mean detaining an unlawful and violent terrorist when I was suddenly told to stop. I was confused, I've never been told to stop… detaining unlawful and violent terrorists before, they kind of encourage it'. Three unlawful and violent terrorists reportedly came up to a group of soldiers and asked if they could play a game with them. This was met with the 'rightful and legal acquisition of the device', according to a statement put out by the Israeli Government. The two sides then started playing an impromptu game of football, the teams being distinguished by a) different coloured shirts and b) whether or not they were holding a rifle at the time of playing. At the end of the match a gift exchange took place, where the Palestinians kindly offered to give over their shoes and wallets. An unnamed Palestinian source said 'what? Ceasefire? Those fucking assholes just came over and took our oh god shit they're coming please you have to help me, I don’t know where they're taking me, please, why are you just standing there'. Whatever the outcome of the game, it was a touching moment for both sides of the conflict. Charlie Poplar

Hardcore fans have started a petition to redo the season as they are upset with the outcome. However, these fans don’t want the entire thing to be redone next year (as was already planned). Instead the Change.org petition demands that UEFA redo the season from the Quarter-Finals onwards because ‘before April it was still good’. One long-time fan I interviewed expressed his dismay: 'This would have never happened if football was still ran by Sepp Blatter. That man was a genius and knew how to rig a season'. Max Hinchley

Fijian Teams to Compete in Next Year’s Champions League Following the success and solid reception of Australia’s entry into the Eurovision song contest, European football’s governing body, UEFA, have also decided to inexplicably invite an island nation into their tournament also. From the 2019-20 season one champions league birth will be gifted to the Fijian Premier League. Fijian champions Lautoka FC will get to enjoy European football next season for some reason. When asked why Fiji and not any other Oceanic island nation the UEFA President responded: 'Dunno mate. Just kinda felt like it and it worked for Eurovision so why wouldn’t it work for us. Besides, its been getting a bit stale recently with only the same 55 countries getting a chance to participate so we at UEFA thought lets add a 56th for a bit of extra spice'. Max Hinchley

Please join us, even if the answer is no.

Caster Semenya Too Good at Sport

Suspicion has wracked the sports world recently, due to Olympic medallist Caster Semenya having her title threatened by the IAAF. Athletics' governing body, the IAAF, will reportedly announce the creation of a new female classiﬁcation, as Caster Semenya’s body is too good at running due to its higher level of testosterone. ‘It’s suspicious’, said one of the event organisers, ‘Like, she’s really good at running. It’s disgraceful.’ Because of this suspicious activity, i.e, a professional runner being good at running, Semenya has been told to take performance decreasing drugs. Because otherwise, it’s not fair, according to sources, that

someone is winning a running race. The Lemon Press asked if the people involved were aware that this suspicion was often directed to a certain group of people, as Michael Phelps can still remain a mutant fish-man abomination with no consequences. ‘Sure, Serena Williams has also been accused of being too good at sport,’ continued the event organiser, ‘but just because the two of them have been targeted doesn’t mean anything.’ Of course it doesn’t. There’s no problem, no underlying problem at all. None at all. It’s fine. It’s fine. She’s fine. We’re fine. I’m fine. Lucy Finnighan

Sports

Use this edition to flog a dead horse in just three easy steps.

Letters to the Editors, open letters, Post-its, classifieds, GTA cheatcodes, carrier pigeons, confessions, BBMs, Huawei leaks, death threats, wills, mail bombs, etc. Dear Sir, Dear Sir (Yes I did just A Sincere Apology to criticism of video games front and centre. It is the Readers of our journal were assume your gender, sorry), Gamers inalienable right of a Gamer disappointed to see such Why on Earth do pronouns matter? In this liberal, wishywashy world we live in, why do people care so much about pronouns? Why does it matter if I 'assume your gender' or 'misgender you'? Clearly people who are affected by this are snowﬂakes. (Or is that assuming their pronouns?) People are getting more sensitive. And that’s a fact. People being triggered by a pronoun is insane. It’s a short combination of letters for god’s sake. Imagine getting triggered by that! Words are arbitrary and we assign our own meaning to them. Words can't inherently be offensive. That's dumb. On an unrelated note, I have been personally attacked for holding these views, which is a clear infringement on my freedom of speech. I have been labelled a 'TERF', which is clearly a derogatory slur and one that I ﬁnd deeply offensive. I can’t be held accountable for my rational, sensible views more than a black person (sorry, POC or whatever we’re meant to call them now) can be held accountable for their skin colour. You wouldn’t use the N word, would you? So why use the T word? That’s bare faced hypocrisy. It's downright offensive and I won't stand for it. Yours, A 'TERF'

Letters

offensive descriptions of video game enthusiasts as 'sweaty, angry virgins'. If you must denigrate game enthusiasts, we would appreciate it if you could be more careful with your language. Consider describing them as 'perspiratorily-challenged, emotional, procreativelyinexperienced audiovisual game enthusiasts' instead. PC Gamer

Deer Lemon Press, I do not enjoy reading your variou’s criticism’s of my writing skill’s. No one read’s your article’s besides other student journalist’s, anyway. Please stop being such middleclass twat’s. Violet Daniel’s Dear Sir, I am increasingly concerned that The Lemon Press plagiarises its humour from Private Eye. I have been tracking each instance of plagiarism over the time I started reading your esteemed organ. Please ﬁnd all 94 instances attached to this letter. Ian H. Dear Sir, I was told that participation in student media sets you up for a great career in journalism, or writing, or just a great career in general. Please explain where I went wrong. Jack Harvey

Dear Gamers (non-gamers do not read this), Recently, in response to our Roses coverage, where we attended the E-SPORTS competition, we were described as 'nasty' and 'people [...] who clearly didn't give a shit' about e-Sports. There are, of course, a few things we tend not to joke about, and until now, we had not added ESports to that list. After all, esports is, in the words of the complainant, a 'respectful, great space for people with talent and a real passion to get publicly recognized for their efforts'. We apologise for not being aware of this fact about (E!)sports. It was wrong of us to suggest there are, or were, any problems at all in E––– SPORTs. We would in particular like to retract the suggestion that any Gamer might have poor personal hygiene. Our reporters have admitted this was a lie, and they were in fact astonished by the total absence of any bodily ﬂuid or smell. In the course of our coverage, we also mistakenly stated that League of Legends, which was one of the €sports, was a bad game.

Not only was this assertion incorrect, but to suggest so was a serious appropriation of Gamer Culture, which we have been informed places undue and factually-irrelevant

to suggest 'this game is bullshit' when the RNG does not go their way, but it was not the right of our reporters to do so.

We apologise for sending our reporters from our Chad bureau, who had until then, never heard of a video game, let alone played one, or met a gamer. While they have claimed they were 'too busy having sex', this excuse is nevertheless unacceptable given their Gamer Culture appropriation. £sports are serious business. The Lemon Press has never, ever, ever covered video games, video game conferences, or e-sport-s in the past, and we no longer have any plans to do so in the future. We humbly apologise for our antagonistic and hostile behaviour towards a minority which already suffers so much in the society we all live in. We should have done better, and we will do better in the future, so that we are not part of the systematic oppression that stops gamers from rising up. The Lemon Press WANTED: Reputable printing company seeks inﬁnite roomful of monkeys for vital production work. Experience desired, but not essential, in ﬁle creation; printer cleaning; folding and stapling; quality control checking. Apply to Helena Horton's of Morncastle, Lincs.

Oh wait. We're almost done?

All good things come to an end, all bad things too. We'll be seeing you shortly.

The Zodiac with the Zodiac Killer

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19 Oh, you thought the Zodiac Killer was gone, did you? Thought he was dead, or too busy running for Ofﬁce to kill again? Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 19 Well congratulations Aquarius, in reading this you've made certain that I'm going to kill you within the next month. It's like that video in The Ring, except you have to read through loads of shitty satire to get to it. Pisces: Feb 20 – Mar 20 I'll come after you in the night, Pisces. You'll need to keep glancing behind you. Don't walk anywhere alone. Aries: Mar 21– Apr 19 I hope you don't like your knee caps, Aries, you may ﬁnd them gone by the end of the week. Taurus: Apr 20– May 20 Do you feel your bones tingling, Taurus? Do you feel weird in your stomach? That means it's working. Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20 Maybe I'll kill you and place you in my next movie, like a prop. Oh no, wait, that's what Tom Cruise would do, and I'm Ted Cru-I mean I could be anyone, who could I possibly be??????

Gamer Words(earch)

Cancer: Jun 21– Jul 22 And I'll kill you by...by...okay to be honest I'm not very good at this predicting thing. Like pretty much everything I'm saying is the same; you're going to die, there's no variety, and you know how horoscopes are, they're kept waaay to vague so anyone can just make their life apply to it. I'm no good at this, I'm really not. Leo: July 23– Aug 22 I feel like maybe I've outstayed my welcome here. Virgo: Aug 23– Sep 22 I just ﬁgured that since I was named 'The Zodiac Killer', I should dabble in this sort of thing. I'm doing a terrible job, aren't I? Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22 No wonder I'm just a meme now. I can't even do what my name says. I'm just a big joke. Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21 I'm sorry, I'll......I'll just go. Sagittarius: Nov 22– Dec 21. Err, love is on your horizon, I guess. Lucy Finnighan

Chris Small Quotes, A Haiku

'The year deserved it.'

must

have

'...a natural talent for incest.'

i was [redacted] but you were [also redacted]

'I am a powerful man.' Oli Maddison

— 266

Words on St Francis of Assisi (died 1226)

GAMER RISEUP JUICE DEODORANT GARFIELD MOUNTAINDEW VBUCKS INCEL ILLUMINATI CHAD CUCK STACY Our work is never truly done.

A Rupi Lament

think big think [redacted]

St Francis of Assisi-si Sent all his emails BCC But once he sent it by CC And everyone could see-seesee The subject line was re:re:re "St Francis' little pee-pee-pee" And when the town of Assisi All replied with a he-he-he The saint chopped off his peepee-pee And now he cannot wee-weewee. Henry Dyer

yusu was here — censorship i was satire but you were yusu i think you are curvy and spectacular — berrick saul building i am just a lemon please do not press me Ashvini Rae

Horoscopes and Puzzles & Poetry