Part of this issue has been computergenerated.
Editors' Introduction Congratulations, you’ve made it through to the end of this plague ridden turn, and to the start of this plagued magazine. This is a chance to reflect on life choices you’ve already made, like coming to York, and the life choice you’re making right now in reading the Lemon Press. There’s many things you can do with a virtual Lemon Press, like replacing random files on somebody's hard drive with it, credit card fraud, printing it out to bring to the pub and consume as a substantial meal, and if you’re feeling particularly silly you could even read it. In this issue we once again have all your favourite things, as long as your favourite things are satirical pieces about Campus, News and Politics, and you get the picture already. Or if you fancy our specials menu, we’re serving top correspondent Reynard reviewing a porn parody of Democracy Manifest, a truly unbelievable Scuzzfeed, the latest edition of the Financial Limes providing the soundest advice for your money since you last got a text about PPI, Spitebart spewing it’s hate into the world, and the chef’s special itself; Opinion exchange debating which national holiday to end. This is also a SPECIAL FEATURE edition! Unlike any other media group on campus, we decided to holiday in Dubai, pop over to Brazil, and had a quick jaunt in D.C. This means we can deliver the extra quality feature of hugely dated jokes that were funny many months prior, but now are about as entertaining as that extra episode of Blackadder they made. So elbows off the table, get the correct fork, and dig in to this pile of slightly festered delights. Harry Clay and Chris Small
Contents pp 3‐9 pp 10‐16 pp 17‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐26 pp 27‐28 pp 29‐30
Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Arts Science & Tech Features Sports Letters, Poems & Horoscopes
The Lemon Press Staff
Editors: Harry Clay and Chris Small Deputy Editors: Holly Palmer and Matt Higgins Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editor: Daniel Bennett News & Politics Editors: Zeena Minstry and Bex Scott Lifestyle Editor: Bethan Hubbard Science & Tech Editor: Matt Higgins Arts Editor: Lucas Lefley Features Editor: Bex Scott Sports Editor: Alex Towells Illustrators: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and Various), and Holly Palmer (Back Cover) President: Harry James Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Bex Scott Vice-President: Will Rowan Social Secretary: Bethan Hubbard Ordinary Members: Nick Lunn, Niall McGenity, and Joe Thornton Contributors: Will Gray, Tom Davies, Chay Quinn, Connor Sanders, Martin Petcher, and James Rhodes
Two people who are not at all funnier than us
Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 22nd January 2020.
Whoops we're still alive.
Contents
2
TLP Vaccinations start next month
Best Places to try dogging on Campus Yorspace: What better embodies YUSU creating a space for students to use however they wish than using it for a quick shag in the dark. Yes, you’ll only be separated from our dearly beloved sabbatical officers by a sheet of glass, but you can give them the first interesting day in the office in the short and boring careers by shagging right against the glass. 22 Acres: For that traditional muddy field, dogging location vibe. Just keep it quiet to avoid noise complaints from the good people of Heslington. Or be as loud as you want because fuck the NIMBY, anti-extending-The-Charles-Opening-Hours bastards. Anywhere on Hes-East: If you want a bit of privacy, try the desolate wasteland that is York’s most easternmost campus. The downside is that your knob might get frostbite, and any bodily fluids risk being blown about in the wind tunnel that the East Campus creates The Waiting Room in Heslington Hall: If it can be occupied as part of a protest, then why can’t it be used for dogging. Who knows, maybe big Chazza Jeffery is into this sort of thing. D Bar: The comfort option. You get the choice of laying down on the quality felt of the Derwent pool tables or the comfy sofas of the cafe. Avoid at meal times. Chris Small
FETSOC BOOK GUEST SPEAKER DICK AND DOM After a misunderstanding, York's Fetish Society has confirmed it has booked a virtual talk from beloved kids TV presenters Dick and Dom. The booking was initially made by the society's new committee, the first one to be made entirely of people too young to remember the duo, after seeing their name trending on Twitter. A member of the committee told The Lemon Press "I remember seeing them in some weird medieval parody thing? But honestly at the time I thought it was some kind of high budget porno. After being told who they really were I was tempted to cancel the booking, but now I've Googled them I think they will be perfect." They continued."They are going to mainly talk about how the Bogies game can be used as a form of verbal exhibitionism. Plus all that stuff about gunge and creamy muck muck. And... wait, there was honestly a bit where they looked into a cupboard to find camp smaller versions of themselves? How the hell haven't we booked these people before?" The Lemon Press reached out to Dick and Dom, however they were busy launching the 82nd petition to bring back ‘In Da Bungalow’. Alas, the amount of copyrighted material to be used in the talk means that YSTV is unlikely to make a second documentary about the event. Daniel Bennett
University to Feed Soylent Green to Self‐Isolating Students
The university’s blended approach to life this term took an extreme turn yesterday. Taking the metaphor to its logical extreme, the corpses of students killed by coronavirus will now be blended, minced, and processed into Soylent Green meals for their selfisolating housemates.
Brian Terry has Left YUSU to Replace Priti Patel as Home Secretary.
The beleaguered Activities Officer has left the job after four months to pursue a career in politics with an altogether more likeble institution: Boris Johnson’s Conservative Party. Brian’s appointment has led to a small earthquake in Westminster as the entire Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority sighed at once ahead of having to see Brian roughly thrice a week.
Patel has been regrettably sacked by BoJo following allegations of bullying and mounting Preliminary surveys show public pressure, but he was keen to replace Patel unanimous approval of with someone who closely shared her this scheme. Although, managerial style. STEM students can be a YUSU’s remaining Sabbs have declared five days bit chewy. of campus celebration. James Rhodes Nial Mcgenity 3
Campus
Martin Petcher
You've already made it this far
You're all asking where's Wally and not how's Wally
The Vice Chancellor Diaries Monday - I have received feedback that I need to be more open with students, which is why I have decided to write a private diary. I don’t think it’s a bad idea, it will finally give me a place to talk about my workday, whenever I start talking about it with Sandra she just turns up the volume on The Chase. I always watch The Chase to see if they ever ask them to name a Vice Chancellor of two universities, but all the questions are about bloody Greek gods. Still, it’s nice to imagine that Paul Sinha knows my name, albeit memorised alongside the names of fungi. Tuesday - Had a meeting with the Saabs today. At least I think it was them, it’s genuinely hard to tell them apart from other students with those masks. Well, Matt’s mask is literally more of his beard stuck to some cloth, but apart from that they may as well have been geese. The main order of the meeting was to propose hosting Burning Man 2021 on campus, to unite everyone after a difficult year. Patrick brought up the focus group testing of 1 Yorkmemes poll, and claimed it would go a long way to retaining this year’s Saabs’ online reputation of “alright for a bunch of cunts”. I initially vetoed the decision, not because I hate different nationalities, but mainly due to our lack of sand. But then I saw the sad look in Brian’s eyes. My poor Brian, having a Burning Man would make him so happy, I’m not entirely sure what man is being burned as long as it’s not him. So, now I’m on Amazon trying to find several megatonnes of sand for a cheap price. Wednesday - I was woken up at 2 in the morning by the sound of geese mating. I hate geese, they're disgusting ungrateful creatures and every time I am forced to be near them at work a piece of me dies inside. Sandra kept telling me to go back to sleep, but I was just too angry. I spent the night scrolling through Yorkrush and playing Candy Crush on my iPad, it’s an old game but there is no more space on the tablet. Not full of apps, just photos of every single goose I have seen on campus. The dirty angry murderbirds, I will exact my revenge on each of them when I finally turn the lake into a multi-storey car park. It won’t even be open to the public, only me and the Saabs as they are the only ones with the same amount of disdain for geese as me. One even attacked my poor Brian once and gave him a horrible cut on his cheek. I gave the brave boy a week off to recover and sent him flowers. Turns out he is fatally allergic to sunflowers and had to spend a week in hospital. Oh Brian, could you ever forgive me? Thursday - Brian Terry has died. Details are being kept under close wraps, but, for the record, I had previously raised concerns about the elastic used. That sweet sweet boy deserved more than to spend his last moments scared and airbourne, but, needless to say, the planned TikTok shall not be released. Daniel Bennett
#YorFucked
The University of York has today announced it will be providing free fire-proof body bags for students living in self isolation. This action has been brought about in response to the latest controversy wherein students are advised to remain in their rooms while their loved ones are burning in flames. It is uncertain where the source of their fires is most likely to occur, however there are reports of students being told to 'avoid wall sockets and any sources of heat, at all costs'. We are unsure of the source of these reports so I must warn you they may be homophobic in origin. Initially, students failed to grasp the instructions on the university branded 'life caskets' and so, thankfully, the vice chancellor responded with a semi threatening email. Here is an excerpt: 'Remember, if you are a self isolating student you must not leave your room under any circumstances. Rather, find your free YorSafe full-body jacket, place it in the center of your bedroom, and climb inside, making sure the opening is fully sealed before taking long deep breaths. Campus security will be on site to collect you within the hour. If you are a self isolating student and do not currently have a university provided fire bag, please collect one from the YUSU reception desk.' This certainly gives high hopes for the safety and wellbeing of students on campus in such troubling times as these. Connor Sanders
How bad can it actually be?
York Student Solidarity Network to Start Campaigning for an End to Communism in Poland.
The York Student Solidarity network has decided that, in the spirit of campaigning amongst the grey concrete, asbestos filled three story blocks of Derwent, that it can aim higher, and campaign amongst the fifteen story concrete blocks of Poland, in order to end Communist rule there. After targeting the lack of democracy in Poland, and the tyranny of Charlie Jeffery, it is throught that the network may target others, such as British rule of the Thirteen Colonies, The Ted Heath's Conservative government and Roman rule of Gaul. Communism ended in Poland over 30 years ago, but it’s understandable that York Student Solidarity Network got confused because Nouse probably reported on it last week. Chris Small
Campus
4
We've been Microchipped by Bill Gates, have YOU?
Facebook Finally Shut Down University of York
Millions around the country were today rejoicing as Facebook announced it has closed down The University of York. Speaking to the approved press, The Lifeform Formerly Known as Mark Zukkererg revealed the company’s decision to close the bastion of controversy.
'With 12 confession pages made by at least three separate groups, four crush confession pages, 27 different meme pages, a plethora of questionable personal relationships and 900 different LongBoi tribute accounts, we have decided the simplest solution was to shut down the university itself'. Some student media questioned whether Facebook had the power to shut down an entire university, however these questions were silenced when an army of faceless blue androids ascended out of the campus lake at midnight. The droids were reportedly shocked by the lack of resistance to their takeover, with some suspecting the university could’ve been saved if they offered 10p off pints for every 1000 droids slain. Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffrey was reportedly seen outside Heslington Hall fending off faceless androids with a bayonet, before immediately surrendering once realising the androids were eligible to pay international tuition fees. After this brief
York Sports Union Divided Over 'Project Big Pitcher'
The university's sport union today was left divided over 'leaked' plans to turn Roses into a drinking game. The leak, which was from an email from the Union to all national news sites with the subject line 'oopsie doopsie please don't open me oWo', revealed the plans set to be voted on next week. The proposals are: 1 - Let all future votes be decided by the 'Big 6' (Men's Rugby, Netball, Men's Rugby 2nds, Men's Rugby 3rds, Ultimate Frisbee and Derwent Football). 2 - If any competitive match cannot be played due to COVID restrictions (including Roses 2021), the match shall be won by whichever team can drink the most in 10 minutes. 3 - If any club cannot afford enough alcohol to complete the 10 minutes, the Big 5 in their infinite kindness and wisdom have promised to provide the teams with 20 tins of Budweizer in exchange for their unanimous support on any future rule changes. Representatives from the Big 5 teams were quick to defend the proposals, saying 'in a difficult time, these changes will help preserve the true purpose of university sports and help lesser... um, smaller, teams, survive'. We reached out to some smaller teams, but after 5 minutes of Facebook searching we couldn't find any, so we can only assume they love the plans. Daniel Bennett 5
Campus
skirmish, Central Hall returned to the sea, followed by the geese and the entire student population. YUSU are said to be looking into the situation. Unfortunately, the droids did not stop after this. The 7ft humanoid robot army descended into the city itself, causing the locals to tut loudly about ‘the internationals they let in these days’. After getting lost in the Shambles they eventually made it to Salvos to reclaim the last students not yet submerged in the lake, however they were turned away for unspecified reasons. The army are still believed to be in Flairs, debating whether to continue their mass culling of students or just stay in until closing. Analysts agree that nothing of value shall ultimately be lost, however questions have been asked about the future of the confession and meme pages associated with the university. One page told The Lemon Press 'the university was obviously an important part of our page, with up to 6% of our content relating to it, however we shall strive to replace these with further nonpeer-reviewed race studies and unsolicited relationship advice.' Daniel Bennett
Self Isolating Students told to wait in event of Chlorine Gas attack Following on from it’s advice telling students who are self isolating to wait a couple of minutes in the event of a fire, the university has issued further guidance to self isolating students on other situations, such as if there was a chlorine gas attack. The clarification on the amount of time to wait in such an event was met with confusion, given that it is not currently expected that the Kaiser’s army has any known motivation to travel in time from 1917 to attack Derwent College. We have not yet investigated whether gas masks are more effective at preventing Coronavirus transmission than fabric masks. It is also expected that in the coming days the University will further elaborate on it’s advice to self isolating students in other dangerous circumstances such as nuclear war, a college rugby team smashing up your kitchen, your flatmate that does PEP talking about their course in the kitchen, and 30-50 feral hogs breaking into a flat. The university is also advising any of the campus waterfowl self isolating due to the avian flu outbreak not to leave the lake in the event of a fire. Chris Small
Want to Contribute?
This is exactly like Avengers Endgame
University Student Infromed He is in Top 5% Most Fortunate People This Year, Still Miserable A local university student yesterday contacted a mental health support advisor, who expected him to be relieved to learn he is in fact in the top 5% of people in the UK in terms of their luck in how COVID has affected them. The percentage was calculated on a number of factors: the student was not dead, was not near death, did not know anybody in the previous categories ‘well enough to qualify for exceptional circumstances’, and was currently working from home with a group of generally nice people. But despite these metrics, the student did not appear relieved to learn of this positive statistic. 'Typically, people feel better once their misfortune is placed in a wider context where they can appreciate the relative quaintness of their problems, but the student still seemed to be holding back tears, which was irregular' said a representative from Logical Happiness, a private company hired by the NHS to provide overflow support to their emergency mental health hotline. 'The next step was to rule out if they were in any ‘high risk’ wellbeing categories, but GDPR prevented us asking directly, so I spent the next half hour asking general questions about Stormzy, Ru Paul and how to successfully perform the WAP dance. But no, it emerged that the student was a straight white man, so that ruled out any external factors. A true anomaly.' The Lemon Press managed to track down the student in question and demanded an explanation. Wearing a dressing gown and smelling of a scent only describable as 'the morning', he told us 'Can’t complain really. Well, it all feels neverendingly awful but, having been told of the suffering of everybody else, I know I should just let them be heard instead. I have a good support network in my family and I can rely on them to remind me of the 95%, and I have been added to a group chat with the rest of the 5% for more help. It is just filled with memes and the occasional debate on abortion laws, so it doesn’t help really.' When we asked a representative from the university for comment on the state of mental health in students, they just gestured frantically to a TV screen showing the news, before collapsing on their desk. Daniel Bennett
After having the policies silenced by the union, the Chris Small campaign have had another victory. The President of our heart 'Sir Chris Small' has had another victory against the YUSU establishment that tried so valiantly to sabotage him, going as far to disqualify
Crisis as Lecturers Quit to Become Youtubers The University of York faced its biannual teaching crisis this week as 89 lecturers resigned to start their own YouTube channels. The drastic career change came as lectures were forced to be prerecorded this year, with many professors falling in love with recording academic videos and never wanting to return to the old style of lectures. 'The only downside to teaching students was interacting with students.' said one such lecturer who declined to be named, but gave us her YouTube username 'BlazingBiology'. 'Students have ruined my love for teaching. Once you get past their smell you have to deal with both apathy and overeagerness, they look at you with those eyes like a puppy on its last ride to the vet'.
'But with YouTube I can teach without having to see a single student ever again! It is the best of both worlds for me, since I never have to deal with the other world. It also presents interesting challenges such as how to transition from a slide on molecular biology to a 7 minute ad for Raid Shadow Legends, and instead of unions you have to settle disputes through disstracks, but it's so much better than the alternative.' However, the sudden mass influx of educational YouTubers has not been welcomed by those already on the platform, and a reduction in market share has forced some to leave the site entirely. Popular A Level mentor ExamSolutions reported a 97% reduction in views and was forced to join OnlyFans instead, completing practice papers in increasingly revealing garments. Nethertheless, the 70 year old is now making more money than ever before with some mature students paying over $100 a month to unlock videos, however, as of writing, nobody has paid the $500 for the premium video 'Bukakke BIDMAS'. Daniel Bennett
Letters From a YUSU Farmer
valid votes for him in 2019 and not let him run in 2020. However, one of his policies that would have made the university great again was completely blocked from even campaigning on: ‘Ban YSJ students from campus until I Chris Small can figure out what the hell is going on’. The YUSU establishment deep state would not let our
Email the lemonpresseditor@gmail.com
trutherism be spoken. However, with covid we have succeeded in getting our promises through and have finally banned them from campus. All hail our glorious leader: President Sir Christopher Edward Boston Small. The Second Lake Lord
Campus
6
As seen in the Sunday Times
Queen to Close Derwent College Only 56 Years After Opening it That’s right – a representative for Buckingham Palace announced in a recent public statement that our Sovereign, Queen Elizabeth II, would be visiting the University of York in the Summer of 2021, but only to close the college that she had originally opened in 1965. The news came after Netflix intended to cover the event in the fourth series of The Crown, only for the cast and crew to pointblank refuse to film there – even after the University offered to use ‘the nice bit’ for their dressing rooms (‘Is there one?’ actress Olivia Colman was heard asking, showing disdain even toward Extension Block). When Netflix dared to ask the Queen why she ever deigned to open such a concrete shithole, she apparently replied ‘Where?’ After a brief reminder of her initial royal visit, our sovereign is reported to have shuddered, covered her mouth, and gagged a little bit. The announcement of the subsequent closure was released later that same day. The visit is scheduled to be a brief affair, involving a ceremonial removal of the plaque put in place to commemorate the Queen’s original visit (which will be done by the Queen herself via crowbar), followed by a few, presumably short and not very favourable, words said by her majesty, and ending with free pizza and juice boxes in D-Bar (a privilege typically reserved only for the college’s Freshers). The announcement was followed only days later by relatives of late singer, Jimi Hendrix, requesting the removal of their name also from the college’s lecture theatre, though they claimed it was unrelated. Lucas Lefley
Left over Hand Sanitiser to be used on Campus Lake With vaccine news coming out there is now a COVID endgame in sight, and the University has now started considering how it's going to use leftover supplies for fighting the virus, with its hand sanitizer stocks now being lined up to fight an even greater biological terror: The campus lake. When asked why they thought dumping a load of hand sanitizer into a lake is a good idea the University said ‘well it’s hardly going to make anything worse’. We asked some residents of the lake for comment but all we got was honking noises. Chris Small
7
Campus
University's Oldest Fresher, 72, Excited To Play 'College Bingo' Freshers Week is an exciting time for all students starting university, a combination of meeting new friends, enjoying nights out all week, and slowly realising that the unhappiness you felt growing up wasn't due to school or your hometown but rather an irreparable crack in your soul that you will never be able to fix, merely wallpapered over with a copious amount of alcohol shared with people who will never see your true pain. Judy Horncastle is one such plucky fresher but with a key difference; the new Derwent resident is 72 years young, and has one university tradition in mind.
The former dinner lady picked up a fondness for Fine Art in the past few years and was encouraged by her great-grandson to go to university. "I was initially nervous about having to pay tuition fees, but after my Granddaughter pointed out I would not be around long enough to pay them off it was a no brainer!" said the 40 a day chainsmoker. "Of course I am looking forward to learning about the fine arts at a top university, however I am really interested in taking part in the traditional 'College Bingo' activity. Calls for a New Referendum on I used to love playing with my girls at the local hall, Campus: but they stopped coming, one by one, until it was The student group York Student Solidarity just me left. I have been playing with myself for too society have called for there to be a long now, so I am thrilled there is such a strong referendum on whether to start witch- community of players here at York!” dunking of newly elected Saabs, in their words ‘to find out from the beginning of Judy was keen to discuss her Freshers plans with us, their terms if they are evil or good’. The plan talking about how nights out with the Bowls Club on is to go from the results night in Roger Kirk a Wednesday could lead to several rounds of bingo, Centre to holding a witch dunking in the with the dream that she would be able to get a ‘Full campus West lake. Each of the new Saabs will House’ one night with the other senior freshers she be dunked for a currently undecided period will be sharing a flat with. When asked about what of time and those who cannot down a line of this meant for her sexual activities, she laughed. "Oh shots immediately afterwards will be no, I don't get that kind of attention anymore. It declared witches. Once all the Saabs have used to be from my husband, but he doesn't seem been dunked the club night will still go interested in me these days. I try to give him a peck ahead. The newly declared witches will have on the cheek but it's like kissing a framed picture of to be in attendance, those declared innocent him from the past, he just feels cold now. It would will be banned in order to protect them from just be nice to get affection from someone who exposure to the witches for as long as didn't do it just because they felt like they had to." possible. We at the Lemon Press would like this to go further and hold dunkings of all In order to avoid attracting any attention that could current Saabs, although I think we all know lead to sex, it is advisable to be seen reading The Lemon Press. which of the current ones are witches. Daniel Bennett Bex Scott
Find us on Facebook
See a Presser, Punch a Presser
Lockdown Tiers to be Based on York Colleges After futile attempts to restore clarity to lockdown rules by introducing a tier system, the Government has decided to base the latest closure rankings on the one thing everyone understands: cheap college stereotypes. Hooray! JAMES TIER - All hospitality venues and hospitals are closed in order to maximise resources available to gyms. The measure includes repurporsing hospital beds into workout benches, forbidding takeaway services to prevent cheat days, and reclassifying all Rugby League players as 'key workers'. The change comes due to lobbying from Instagram Fitness Influencers, who over the course of Lockdown 1 became responsible for 47% of Britain's GDP, with names such as 'MadLiftzMarv'. Fuck you Marv, with your perfect 8 pack and model fiancé and your genuinely nice personality, you may be the ideal person but do you have the killer instinct to get dozens of likes from posting sarcastic political tweets? Well, yeah, probably, most people do these days. LANGWITH/CONSTANTINE/THE THIRD ONE TIER- Dominic Cummings has been reading history books and has found that illness spreads through poorer communities quicker. So, anybody found to earn under the median salary will be forced into immediate lockdown, and anyone above can continue as normal. Unfortunately, we lost the data for salaries this year so Boris Johnson guessed the median instead, setting it at £150,675. As a result, all cleaners have been given a 8600% payrise to mitigate the public's suffering. Ahh, giving special treatment to wealthier areas during a pandemic. What an outlandish satirical concept. DERWENT TIER - Anarchy. Do you remember the week before lockdown 1 when people were fighting over the last toilet roll on supermarket shelves, but ultimately not doing anything to control the virus? The Derwent Tier is that apocalyptic reactionary hellscape forever. The grimey chaos of a Derwent block is all the training you need to survive a world without rice, soap or cans of premium larger. You don't need a mask when you've instinctively stopped breathing through your nose anyway. The only food of sustenance is a soup of asbestos and pure adrenaline. ALCUIN TIER - The latest research has shown that COVID-19 has mutated into the creature from A Quiet Place, and as a result silence is mandatory otherwise the virus will find you and... eat you? (I've only seen the trailer for it). Nethertheless, illegal house parties have been replaced by silent, shoeless discos. All food has to be eaten cold lest the noisy kinetic energy vibrations encur the wrath of the flat upstairs. Yes, the rest of campus mocked you for being boring, but who's laughing now? Absolutely nobody. Ever again. And that's the way it should be. WENTWORTH TIER - To prevent the spread of the virus to the older generations, all senior citizens will now be placed under total lockdown and forbidden from leaving their current house. Unfortunately, 'senior' is now considered to be anyone aged 23 or over. We're sorry, but it's for your own protection that you are being kept away from the youth generation. It's OK though, we've put reruns of Tracy Beaker on for you (not the modern one where she comes back older, we know that upsets you). Soon you'll be able to go back to having stronger-than-you're-used-to hangovers after drinking in that one nice bar freshers haven't found yet. But wait your turn, please, we've got millions of pounds to take from freshers first. Daniel Bennett
Peter Hitchens York Union Debate Allowed as First Mass Gathering Post‐ Lockdown Just as fans return to sports grounds, students will be allowed to see their loved one this Christmas as the York Union welcomes Peter Hitchens for his 90th year. In a special exception to national restrictions, hundreds of students will be allowed to crowd into SLB/118 to earn their rite of passage. The five day debate will see him face off against his fiercest foes: the York campus map, a huge straw man, and time itself. As is tradition at this time of year, ‘John Smith’, Hitchens’ legendary debate opponent will fail to show due to fear of Peter’s fact-addled mind. This instantly gives him an extra two inches in height and raises his voice by 30 decibels. In a switch-up to the usual formula, there are rumours of some God-awful karaoke where Hitchens will butcher ‘All I want for Christmas is You’ by trying to shoehorn grammar schools and the decline of the British Empire into Mariah Carey’s hit. It’s the hottest ticket this Christmas. Will Rowan
Nial McGenity
We might even use it someday
Campus
8
Now reread the first letter of each of these
Electoral colleges on campus
New Graffiti Ravages Campus
Following the three days of nail biting excitement and politics students becoming even more insufferable due to the US election still being too close to call at the time of writing, in order to increase engagement with student politics, YUSU president Patrick O’Donnell has announced that he will be implementing electoral college based elections for all future elections. The threshold for electing will still be 270 electoral college votes, more than most Sabbs usually get, and these will be distributed as follows: Alcuin - 100 Derwent - 200 Langwith - 70 Constantine - 28 Goodricke - 0 Vanbrugh - 100 Wentworth - -3 Halifax - 12 James - 33 The hope is these electoral college votes which are proportioned perfectly according to a complicated maths formula I worked out at 3am after seven red bulls and two bottles of vodka that is completely above reproach and I will accept no criticism on. By counting votes this way, Patrick predicts that, due to the confusion, many more students will become engaged in the democratic process that gives us our Saabs due to the widespread confusion on how on earth the votes count and why do we even bother. We at The Lemon Press hope that President O’Donnell will not adopt other tactics from the USA such as voter suppression, blatant racism and gun violence. Bex Scott
Campus Security Appoint New Obergruppenführer To combat the rise of nuisance behaviour on campus, the security team have run a series of promotions, including bringing in external staff to fill rolls as senior as Obergruppenführer. The roll will be filled by Mr. H Machtkraft, a German man who has been living in Argentina for almost the past 80 years. He has previously worked as a waste management consultant, but qualified for the role as he held a series of jobs working for a security subcontractor for the Argentinian goverment. Mr. Machtkraft has been described as 'hardworking', 'loyal', and 'wanted for crimes against humanity'. Harry Clay
9
Campus
James Rhodes
Find us on Twitter @TheLemonPress
Coming Soon: Gaming Justice
The Puzzle for the Term: Which National Holiday would you Sacrifice to Save Britain? National 'Bring Your Children to Work' day. Because let's be honest, children are just life-sized COVID samples, getting everywhere, stopping you going out at night and being hosted a suspicious amount of times by Boris Johnson. Why on earth does a child need to see a workplace anyway, by the time it gets put into the job market it's only employment option would be the last Amazon factory not consumed by fire and polar bears. Just give it a TikTok-loaded phone and leave it at home, and let the rest of us enjoy the final 12 years we have to use Earth. Daniel Bennett ‐ Votes for 12 Year Old Campaigner VE Day. I would surrender to the Nazis in order to save Britain. Chay Quinn ‐ Quisling
Sacrifice them all. Back in the good old days, Britain didn't have any public holidays, we just had death, gout, and misery. Take me back any day. Will Rowan ‐ Medieval Computer Programmer All the old saints days. Jacobite Nonsense. Long live William of Orange. William of Orange ‐ Still Alive, Apparently
Turning The Clocks Back Day (aka Clockmas) Henry Dyer ‐ Making Reginald Dyer Proud All of them, if you're well enough to be drunk in Spoons at noon you're well enough to work a zero hours contact digging for plutonium with a spoon. Tom Davies ‐ Still an Old, Dishevelled, Deposed Editor World Oral Health Day - In order to maintain British tradition I feel we should abandon such false hopes. Connor Sanders ‐ Never Met a Dentist Boxing Day. We get it Jolyon Maugham has used a baseball bat to kill a fox whilst wearing his wife's Kimono. Chris Small ‐ Never Worn a Kimono I don't know about you but I'd gladly sacrifice every one of you to make Ed Balls Day a bank holiday. Alex Towells ‐ UR Why? International Men's Day. Lets be honest we don't deserve one. Chris Small ‐ Man
God Quite Frankly Tired of Saving the Queen In a rare breaking of silence from the Almighty, God has expressed a degree of frustration with the way in which he has been forced to protect the British Monarchy for the past few hundred years. It was known that every time the British national dirge is sung, a full eternal security sweep is done to make sure that 'er Maj is still okay, but sources close to His Bigness have told The Lemon Press that the repetitiveness of the deal is starting to bring on an omnipotent headache. Details have been leaked that prove that our everlasting Lord is still using the King of Kings Prayer Response Network developed and introduced as a concession made by Henry VIII in the early stages of the Reformation. Instead of all prayers, begs for forgivenesses, and theoretical questions being bungled up by type and solved in large batches at the same time, each request is handled by an angel individually, meaning essential work that could be handled by 'G' is being held back with other nonsense about death bed conversions and getting teachers to mysteriously die on days homework is due. It's been rumoured by less substantial sources that the Duke of Edinburgh has taken to patrolling the corridors of Buckingham Palace with a soft-nosed .357 poised to blow apart anything that moves in a vaguely ethereal manner, with one palace insider claiming that an accident from this is what really killed the Queen Mother. Harry Clay
We might even log off someday
Campus/News And Politics
10
Up Next: Scooby Doo Mysteries and other false flag operations by the radical left
BBC One Rememberance Day Schedueling BBC Breakfast - Extra long special, featuring poppy news, sports stars wearing poppies, poppy activities in your local area, but most importantly: weather updates for 11am (overcast, obviously). Remembrance Service - Our cameras capture the respect in glorious 8k quality so that you can observe every solemn facial twitch, and on the red button you can view the entire celebration in infrared heat vision to see who is TRULY feeling respect (blue head, red chest). News at One - Main story is the size of the poppies worn at the Remembrance service. Poppies vs Islam: Ultimate Cookoff- The new cookery show aimed to capture the only two sides of the patriotism debate, fulfilling the BBC's balance quota. Two teams of cooks make the same meals, but one uses poppies and the other uses halal meat. Bonus round includes '2 Minute Silence', where teams have to mime various ingredients before The Last Post finishes. Blackadder Goes Forth Marathon - Celebrate the fallen with a 3 hour marathon of the final 3 minutes of Blackadder Goes Forth played on a loop. Look at these selfless men gladly sacrificing themselves for us. There's no need to show any other episode when the entire message of the series is condensed into those 180 seconds. Pointless - Remembrance Day Special, where 4 teams of veterans guess the lowest scoring answers to questions such as 'Countries with over 1000 casualties in World War 2' and 'Japanese Towns within Fat Boy blast radius'. Winner donates £384,000 to their chosen charity. News at 6 - Main story is the exclusive that Jeremy Corbyn did not lay a wreath at the Service of Remembrance, instead sending the underling Leader of the Opposition Kier Starmer.
Baldrick Revealed to be Head U.K. BREXIT Negotiator In a press statement released by Downing Street, Baldrick was revealed to have been the main figure behind the BREXIT negotiation disaster. Sources report that he was hired after promising the government he had a cunning brexit plan, before proceeding to completely bugger up negotiations. 'To be honest, he’s still one of the most competent elements of this government' concluded the press report. Mr Baldrick is expected to be awarded an OBE for his services to the nation. Will Gray
The One Show - Featuring a montage of cute pets wearing poppies, followed by an informative piece on how to safely remove pins from animal skin. Doctor Who - Remembrance of the Daleks. Strictly Come Dancing - 10 celebrity couples dance to remember. Dom Littlewood waltzes to 'We'll Meet Again', Carol Vorderman tangos to 'WAR! (what is it good for?) (keeping the peace, obviously). Judges reward points based on style, technique and respect. News at 10 - Main story is Starmer arguing that Corbyn also didn't lay a wreath on behalf of the Conservative Party. The Last Posters - Captain Tom hosts the boozy late-night chat show with the cast of Dunkirk and Pearl Harbor. Daniel 'Tim Davie' Bennett
Royal Navy to respect the troops with a new camouflage ‐ Capability Clay
Two Students Charged with Murder of a Housemate Appear in Court
Students A and B today appeared in the courthouse to answer to the charge of murdering their fellow housemate. When asked by the judge why they had done this crime each had a lot to say, with Student A complaining vehemently about the victim's 'creepy insistence' in knowing every detail of their personal life. However, when pressed for more information the examples given were that the victim would ask to know before parties were thrown at their house. Student B however defended themselves, as the victim
11
News and Politics
would not stop stealing their milk and cheese and as they were on a student budget this was incredibly frustrating to them, and even though the victim was asked several times to stop they kept stealing the milk. The ruling on the case is expected tomorrow. Bex Scott
We're on Instgram too
Maradona is racking up lines with God and Prince Philip Now
Peston Defends Publishing Johnson Sext Messages
'Hands Face Space' Replaced with 'Live Laugh Love' For Christmas
Waking up at 3am to the sound of a vibrating phone, a horrified Peston spent the next hour contemplating what to do with the graphic sexual messages sent from Boris Johnson’s private phone to him. Friends of the journalist told The Lemon Press that the messages sent him into a state of 'anguish and uncontrollable weeping', both due to their contents and implications.
Last night the UK Government unveiled a brand new campaign to halt the spread of coronavirus over Christmas. The public information campaign 'Live Laugh Love' encourages people to mix responsibly over the Christmas period.
The 4000 word sexual dissertation was believed to be sent accidentally to Peston due to a 'worrying' amount of description of the female body, however senior Peston sources say 'he has received similar texts before from the Prime Minister, albeit never with as many Latin verbs as this'. However, the ITV Political Editors' main source of anguish came from his journalistic obligation to report all facts given to him verbatim, thus giving him the duty to tweet out Johnson's entire text. 'The realization that he would have to spend the next few days reporting, analysing and defending Boris Johnson’s sexual fantasies sent Robert over the edge' said the anonymous source, who rushed to Peston's Westminister apartment to find him slouched on the table in darkness, only lit by the night mode of Twitter on his work phone. The only words he sobbed were 'I have to send it, it's my job' before hunching over a glass of rockless scotch whispering 'it's my duty, it's my duty'. With fingers stretching and dancing on the keyboard like an agewisened spider, he typed the erotica verbatim into a Twitter thread, constructing the 15 tweets breathlessly, save for the one pause where he contemplated correcting a piece of the Eton graduate's grammar, but decided against it lest there be some hidden political message in the phrase 'orally pontificating around your clitori'. Unfortunately, a rogue tear fell from his eye and hit the keyboard, causing only the last line of the novella to be tweeted, meaning that millions of Britons woke up the next morning to speculation on the meaning of the phrase 'obviously you would pay for it, but I could arrange a visit to it during parliamentary recess'. Daniel Bennett
Similarly, pubs will now close at 'wine o'clock' rather than 10 pm. In balancing the risks at such a critical time during the pandemic, the posters created to convey this new campaign are particularly horrifying. Will Rowan
Keir Starmer Bleeds out in House of Commons The Leader of the Opposition, Sir Keir Starmer, unfortunately died yesterday after an injury sustained whilst speaking in Parliament caused him to bleed out. The incident occurred when Starmer accidently cut his wrist on his own hair. The monumental amount of hair gel used by the MP seems to have acted like a razor, slicing his arm open in front of partially concerned back-benchers who got utterly drenched in Starmer’s oxygen fuelled life-liquid.
A national day of mourning will take place next week to remember the service and dedication of the Commons’ cleaning team who remain grief-stricken by the sheer amount of blood needing to be washed off the House’s benches and carpet. A spokesman for Labour has Satirists Fear for their Jobs Amid Covid Crisis made clear Labour’s wish to Satirists around the country are facing terrifying job insecurity as reality becomes satire in itself. A get more red MPs in the Newsthump writer went on the record, saying 'we’ve murdered satire and we sit on its corpse like a Commons, however the sight throne. It would probably be rather funny, actually, were it not for the small matter of these of fifteen blood-soaked MPs forced a re-think of how this incompetent spunktrumpets actually having control of our country.' goal was to be achieved. Anonymous sources have reported that this may be part of Cummings’ grand plan to eliminate James Rhodes criticism of the government by becoming a parody of itself. Unfortunately, he was not available for comment as he is believed to be in a meeting of the galactic senate around Epsilon Eridani with his fellow Vogons. Will Gray
... And Tik Tok
News and Politics
12
Ben Shapiro DESTROYS desert for 'being just too wet'
John Lewis Christmas Ad to be Based on Regional Tiers Rather than trying to capture the mood of a forever-downwardly-spiralling nation, John Lewis has made their Christmas advert regionally different depending on the lockdown rules of each area. This is all your fault for not buying enough reasonably-priced fridges. TIER 1 - A cuddly polar bear goes for a walk in a snowy forest. It's beautiful, but he's lonely until he comes to a lake and hears the chirping of a tiny robin on the other side. The robin is not strong enough to fly over the lake yet, but the two have fun playing at a distance in the snow. As the advert ends the camera pans up to show a bridge in the distance where the two may one day meet. TIER 1 PLUS - The cuddly polar bear goes on the same walk in the beautiful forest, and sees the same tiny robin on the other side of the lake. But now, there is a small pile of broken twigs in the middle of the lake, that somehow makes it harder to cross. The polar bear (who will be named Kieth in the inevitable toy release) looks slightly confused at the twigs before moving on as before. The bridge is still in the distance, presumably with some extra twigs on it, but honestly it's too far away to tell. TIER 2 - Kieth is sad, because Mummy polar bear has told him he is only allowed to play with other polar bears. He has fun with his polar bear family in the snow, but soon Keith has an idea: who will know if he plays with animals who are not polar bears? Mummy Polar Bear made him promise not to, but if he uses his common Polar-Bear sense and keeps to the other side of the lake nobody will know he went out to play with his robin friend, right? So Keith goes on his walk, only to find the robins having an illegal rave in a large oak log. The ad ends with the bridge drifting further away. TIER 3 - The advert begins on a slightly different note as Keith hunts and kills a deer, breaking its neck and causing blood to spew out all over his nice fluffy fur. A festive red & white blood trail is smeared on the snow as Keith brings the carcass to the lake, allowing him to meet the robin as the carcass is classified as a substantial meal. Elsewhere, the robin has been told to work from his nest, but since his job is to collect worms, his robin-family has starved to death (unfortunately the robin’s desperate tweets were not the kind shared by Marcus Rashford). That’ll teach the chirpy bastard for laying eggs he couldn’t afford. In the distance, the bridge could not be built due to the government withholding funding, being replaced by a long twig that a few ants could cross at a push. TIER 4 - Exact same as Tier 3, but now the deer carcass has a Wetherspoons' logo on it since it is the only place left open. AMERICA - Two adverts have been recorded. If Biden wins, the advert is of the polar bear and robin rushing across the lake to hug to each other, since the worlds ills will have been fixed and literally everything is OK now. If Trump wins, the advert has Keith growling the lyrics to Hallelujah as the robin uses its beak to tie a tiny noose. Daniel Bennett
The Higher Tiers
Dispirited by the prospect of tier 2 or tier 3 restrictions? Count yourself lucky that you haven’t been put in one of these. Tier 4: Rishi Sunak personally force feeds you McDonald’s burgers until you beg for mercy. Half price means twice the food. Open wide. Tier 5: You’re not allowed to eat in the company of others and that includes your own reflection. Move those mirrors and make sure you don’t look into a spoon or it’ll be the last thing you ever see. Tier 6: Someone from the military lives inside you and tests you non-stop. Your toes become Lighthouse Labs and your ankles are locked down. Merry Christmas. Tier 7: Your fingers aren’t allowed to touch each other and your legs require freedom passes to move. Grouse shooting is still
13
News and Politics
allowed. Tier 8: You have to follow in the footsteps of Kevin the intern. He hasn’t been seen in a long time... Will Rowan
10PM Pub Closing Time is 'Really Very Scientifically Supported', Claims Johnson in New Press Release In an interview with The Lemon Press, Mr Johnson stated that there 'absolutely was a scientific basis' for the 10PM closing time, but that the report was given to former prime minister Theresa May for safekeeping, where it promptly vanished into the aether after being filed next to the Grenfell inquiry and pedophile dossier. Leading scientists are now looking into whether the coronavirus could be cured by being exposed to Mrs May’s filing cabinet. Will Gray
This is a big issue
Peterson's three rules for life: live, laugh love
An Apology ‐ Dominic Cummings We at The Lemon Press have excessively high standards for our work, and when these standards are not met we feel that we owe our readers an apology and an explanation. Such high standards mean such apologies are rare, however with the recent departure of ‘Dominic Cummings’ it is time for us to apologise. In August 2016 a mature student at the University of York, Marcus Miles, contacted our editorial team with an idea for a fictional character described as ‘Ollie Reader if he did 15 years in Iraq with nothing to read but Machiavelli’. He called the character ‘Dominc Shittings’, however one of our editors suggested that ‘Cum’ was a funnier word and therefore he stuck with that name. At the time Marcus was only meant to attend one Vote Leave meeting, make a few jokes about how he was smarter than everyone and leave by throwing his mascot Nigel the Cat onto the table as an extended metaphor for Brexit or something. Unfortunately, nobody at the meeting saw through the amateurish performance, and Marcus’ extreme social awkwardness prevented him from turning down an invitation to the next meeting, a phenomena that kept occurring until Marcus ended up as chief advisor to Boris Johnson. Throughout his career Mr Miles did everything in his power to have himself responsibly removed from office, going so far as to tell senior journalists that he was literally a made up character. Unfortunately, all this confession warranted was an offer to appear on ‘Brexitcast’ to discuss his favourite cheese. By 2020, Marcus had found the role to be the most emotionally-taxing years of his life, his only companion Nigel the Cat had passed away and his act of throwing the now-taxidermied cat onto a table caused him deep psychological scarring each time. In desperation he fled Number 10, aiming to get past the Hadrian's Wall he had encouraged the rebuilding of. Unfortunately by the time he got to Durham the smell of Nigel got so bad that he had to pull over and hide there from a distressed Laura Kunnesburg. We stand by Marcus’ decision to use an eye test as an excuse to drive to Barnard Castle, as this clear attempt to get fired was a responsible action to free himself and the nation as a whole from the four-year nightmare. The aim of The Lemon Press has always to be to inform, protect, and entertain. Despite our best efforts, the character of Marcus ’Dominic Cummings’ Miles failed to achieve two of these objectives, and for this we can only express our sincerest apologies. Although the editors at the time have since fled our offices, we shall ensure justice is served, but in their defence, the character did lead to one half-decent Spitting Image joke so all the damage was worth it. Daniel Bennett
Breaking News ‐ York MP Sacked
Julian Sturdy, York Outer's Conservative MP, was fired by Number 10 this evening for implying STEM students were partly responsible for the area's rising COVID cases, rather than blaming Creative Arts departments.
A senior government source, dressed in a hooded cloak and chewing on a half-dead pigeon, told The Lemon Press 'Julian disobeyed us, when we commanded students to go back to universities we clearly only meant for humanities and arts to go. We sent out a message in Morse code during the last press briefing that all STEM students should've deciphered, telling them all to stay at home so they can survive to become cogs in my
data-driven Cyborg Britain. They were probably watching something created by those Art graduates instead, proving that they need to be eliminated.' We asked our source what he meant by that, but he just scratched the URL to his blog onto the pigeon and threw it at us. We reached out to Julian Sturdy MP for a response but he was busy being burned at the stake by every other student media group in York, but we should be able to grab him for an interview once the groups inevitably start burning each other. Daniel Bennett
White House Thanksgiving Gone Amok
Donald Trump has sneakily issued a pardon to former campaign chair, Paul Manafort, by dressing him as a turkey. This scheme was apparently concocted by Rudy Giuliani to help save Trump’s cronies from further prosecution when the President leaves office in January. Clad in feathers and down on all fours, Manafort was very surprised to receive Giuliani’s call. The bemused press pool were greeted by the gobbling moron who, after complaining about the election results, brought out Manafort. Mitch McConnell has activated Amy Coney Barrett in order to prevent the pardon being challenged in the courts with her sycophancy dial turned up to 11. Chay Quinn
For you
News and Politics
14
Covid? More like Crowvid! I like Crows!
Rory Stewart Unmasked as Vigilante The streets of London were struck with hope as a figure known as Centaurman began his campaign of justice. However, instead of carrying a cape or hooves, the masked crusader was armed only with a map and a megaphone, with his aim to start a conversation with the criminal world. His first days were spent chasing litterers after they had dropped a crisp packet, bravely stopping them to open a dialogue about the benefits and drawbacks of littering, managing to get the litterer to change his ways whilst the crisp packet flew into an old lady’s face as she crossed the street, violently murdering her. For most of his justice spree he was only known to the most devoted vigilante enthusiasts, however he was brought to the attention of the masses when filmed chasing an amateur blogger across Parliament Square shouting 'It's actually Centerman!' in justification for the lack of hooves. The clip went viral due to the vigilante’s outfit, described by one observer as ‘needlessly tight leather’, accompanied with a cardboard Rory Stewart mask. The former political optimist wore the mask as he believed people would think he would be the last person to wear a Rory Stewart mask, but was unveiled when reporters found out he was the only person to purchase such a mask in 2020. The climax of his career came as Centerman attempted to stop a bank robbery. Standing outside the bank with a megaphone, Rory began asking the burglars to talk with him about why they had turned to this lifestyle, however after 5 minutes of an elongated bin metaphor one of the hostage takers opened fire and shot Stewart in the knee. Rory tried to hobble towards him but was restrained by paramedics. Thus it came to be that Centerman ended his vigilante career by being rushed to the hospital, however, the paramedics caring for him threw him out the ambulance after the 25th consecutive minute of him explaining how he wouldn't gloat about predicting COVID-19, landing face-first at 60mph on the tarmac. The paramedic said 'we agreed with everything that he said and he never once seemed smug about it, but he just has one of those faces you know?'. So off Rory hobbled, with one knee and a bare skinless face but still carrying an optimistic vision of the future as he bled out in an alleyway. In his last moments, he scribbled his wife’s phone number onto the side of a kebab house’s bin, only for her to change her number after receiving 28 separate calls from crack dealers. Daniel Bennett
For Sale 27 pages of Dominic Cummings joke ideas Never written The Hemmingway Thinktank Institution
15
News and Politics
The Covid Vaccine and its Consequences Have Been a Disaster for the Human Race Picture a man, mid thirties, perhaps fairly well put together, lying face down in a puddle of his own shite on a high street corner. You may pass by thinking crack, smack, heroin? No. Vaccines. See just last year the only R number John knew about was responsibility. Wife, kids, 12% interest-only mortgage? You might just think he had it all. But in the end it wasn't enough. Covid came and went but he was one of the lucky ones. Made it out alive with only a bad case of the shits and a 4k Samsung 75 incher. But by the time winter came around it was all just too much. The loneliness of intimacy found only through a covid-safe shower curtain simply wasn't enough. He wanted love. And he protested, sure, he'll admit that. Everyone was doing it at the time. But that was only the beginning of his self destruction. You know the story - you've heard it a thousand times. He fell into the wrong crowd, started tweeting, complaining about Trump, writing up his STRUGGLE on a wordpress.org site no one wanted to read. Truly a sad sight to see. But it all finally came to an end in December. Like many a superhero, once he put on the mask he could never go back. To a world of international travel? Mass employment? Refugees crossing the border? No. Even the thought of two different households mixing sent him into a full body, gasping ungasm. • He'd seen the better life. But the mask was just a mask. One day he'd have to return to his estranged children and his estranged life, in Bradford. And that's where Bill Gates comes in, like the figure of Christ descending upon us in our hour of need, he came to us from his temple of private jets and dentist chairs with a vaccine: a cure. And as with all things Microsoft he forced his security update upon our without our consent. But we forgave. You see the vaccine was that good - it made us forget all our petty problems and freedoms. It made us chill. Relax. Watch Netflix, you know? So remember, next time you see a filthy, wretched bum on the street, think twice... He just might be vaccinated. Tin Hat Greg (as told by Connor Sanders)
'The Kiwi Press' Goes Bankrupt The Lemon Press' New Zealand cousin goes out of business after 15 issues due to the country being 'too sane to satirise'. The fledgeling satirical paper had been previously surviving through mocking Jacinda Arden's election rivals, however, after her election victory and low COVID rates the paper has simply run out of cynicism to mak good content. Daniel Bennett
If you're happy and you know it
Covid? More Like Corvid? The Latin word for Crows, which I like!
Serco Launch Mental Wellbeing Track and Trace The NHS has announced that Serco has announced a new app allowing communities to track and trace their mental wellbeing. Instead of being based on preexisting wellbeing apps, Serco's 'Test and Trace a Smile' app will allow users to complete a 'vibe check', selecting a mood option out of 5 emojis . If you are near somebody who has tested negative for mental positivity, you will be immediately notified so you can take the appropriate action. Dido Harding said at the announcement 'there is a real danger of mental health becoming a silent pandemic, which is why the app will sound a full volume alarm if you answer negatively 3 days in a row. This way everyone on your street will know how you feel, and together can fix you right up with hugs and chocolates and funny cat pictures! It's literally the only way to make the alarm stop.' As an effervescent bastion of pioneering technology, The University of York has been quick to embrace the app and make all students on campus install it, telling The Lemon Press 'We noticed a surprising amount of negative answers initially, however after asking these people to join a public mental health Zoom call if they continued to feel upset we only got positive answers! This proves that our mental wellbeing strategy is working!' When we asked what this strategy was, the University replied with a list of college committee emails before blocking us again. The University is taking firm action to prevent the spread of poor mental health in its community. Anyone who has been recorded as negative by the app will be told to avoid 'high visibility' walkways around campus, and to wear a mask in all outdoor settings to "protect the happiness of other students until you can turn that frown upside down!". To compensate, these 'fun-shielding' students are being sent a support package, consisting of a smiley face mask, a fruit bowl, a copy of Michael McIntyre's "Life and Laughing: My Story" and a pair of walking trainers. Generously, the University has suspended the £74.99 payment for this package until Term 2 when things will definitely be back to normal. Nethertheless, some students expressed anger at the support offered by both the government and the university. Charlie Jeffrey said 'we hear your frustration, due to the alarm on your app always going off. I would really appreciate it if you could mute your microphone until I have finished talking'. Other efforts to raise attention to the issue have been in vain; the socially distanced mass protest of 10,000 students was mistaken as being a queue for Vanbrugh food court, and discussions on the 47 current petitions addressed to the university have been unsuccessful, mainly due to the deafening alarm coming from nearby phones. The one positive of the situation is that the near-constant high-pitched sirens have attracted mass hoards of friendly dogs to student blocks, improving the mood slightly but not drastically because most of the dogs are mingers. Daniel Bennett
Joe Biden Comes Out as Cat Boy Following the 2020 presidential election, President-Elect Joe Biden has released an official statement identifying himself as a Cat Boy: Nya nya! Meow that the kittyzens of the Unyated States of Ameowica have chosen me as their next Pawsident Vice Pawsident Elect Catmala Harris and I will mewve furward bring this divided nyation together. But our furst step to achieving this, is by me being my meowthentic catself. I am and always will be a Cat Boy. -Meowseph Biden This makes Joe Biden the first Cat Boy President and Cat Boys across America, and the world, are celebrating. This is also the first time any Presidential candidate has ever mentioned Cat Boys in any official address, making this a huge step for Cat Boy rights. Bethan Hubbard
©shima920 ‐ Edited by
Read the Lemon Press!
Bethan Hubbard
News and Politics
16
You won't find this advice anywhere else
How to give your Parents 'The Talk' ﴾That you Write for The Lemon Press﴿
How to Make Friends During the Second Lockdown
• Sit them down somewhere safe. This will be more than likely a shock to them.
Grow some mould – You don’t have to go to Derwent to interact with health hazards. Grow thousands of new friends just by throwing some damp clothes into a warm corner. Leave to stew for a Your new best friend week and voilà! As a bonus, rapid spore multiplication means you make thousands of new friends every twenty-four hours!
• Come prepared with copies of ‘The Lemon Press’. These can be used to help explain what you do, and in cases of shock can be used for wiping. • Look them in the eye, presumably for the first time in several years, and ask them ‘Are you in a headspace to receive information that may disturb you?’. If they answer yes, then continue. If not, pretend you misheard and continue anyway. • Tell them you write for a University of York publication, and wait for them to list off all the other publications you could write for (Vision, Nouse, Historian ect). If they include The Yorker stop them and leave to find a safe space, for clearly, you have done something to irreparably lower their expectations of you. I don't know what that joke means but I know it's the best way to get published • Hold a lemon in front of their face and see if they laugh. If they don't, draw a pair of glasses on it and say 'look it's Big Jezza' while making honking noises, then wait for even a sympathetic smirk before continuing. • Tell them you write for The Lemon Press, then keep talking at them without stopping until they forget about what you just told them. Daniel Bennett
Write to Santa – It’s a bit early I know, but Jeff Bezos stole his gig and Christmas ain’t happening this year anyway. St Nick’s got some time on his hands. Ask how things are going, maybe start a podcast with him or something. Talk to your demons – Who says your friends have to be physical? Those fears and doubts inside your mind are an interesting bunch to bond with whilst stuck indoors. If the voices in your head start getting louder this term, reach out and have a chat! You may have something in common. Mitosis – This one’s a little trickier than the others, but still worth a try. Contact your friends and family via social media – This is a last resort. Only attempt this if you’re not cool enough to do the other stuff. James Rhodes
Schools to Push Cyber Bullying Amid Social Distancing Restrictions
With England in its second lockdown, following Covid-19 advice is still as important as ever. In an effort to ensure school children are maintaining social distancing, schools across the country are launching an initiative to encourage cyber-bullying. School officials are making every attempt to reduce the high spread of coronavirus between pupils and are hoping this new initiative will help. 'We really want our students to have as normal a school experience as possible during this pandemic. So although we can’t allow them to beat each other up anymore because of social distancing, we don’t want them to miss out on the emotional abuse they would have otherwise received from their peers', said a local Head Teacher. The campaign also comes in response to the growing concern that banning in-person bullying, without encouraging the virtual alternative, may result in a future generation of annoying, cringey adults as well as a worry that some students may struggle to discover their sexual identity without having homophobic slurs jeered at them. A concerned parent, Maureen, spoke to us about her 14year-old. 'My daughter hasn’t been to school like normal in 8 months, it’s all been online or distanced. She keeps picking up strange new interests and keeps getting further and further involved with them instead of being bullied out of them. The most prevalent so far has been ‘anime’. I’m hoping this new campaign doesn’t come too late. I don’t want my child stuck as a weeb forever.' Hopefully it won't be too long until children just like Maureen's daughter can go back to being told to kill themselves in person. Bethan Hubbard
17
Lifestyle
We also do couch gags for the Simpsons
0 pages since our last nonsense
Cat treats: The Ultimate Post‐Brexit Snack? Your crucial rundown of how to best enjoy your cat’s food in the harsh world of post-Brexit shortages. Dreamies (chicken flavour): £1.25 a bag (60g), or £4.35 a mega tub (350g, for the discerning hoarder) Now don’t let their bitsized format and packeted presentation fool you, these are by no means some petty TV snack, a treat for both cats and, as I have personally discovered, humans. A smooth, crisp bite followed by a creamy, cheesy finish. Texture nostalgically similar to Shreddies. Best enjoyed as a slick après diner consommation to impress your fellow scavengers. Ideal sauce combination: Now this may be a tad controversial but I’d personally recommend a luscious mild satay to best compliment the flavour. Accompanying wine: This luxurious treat is best consumed alongside a sweet Tokaj white, as the gold standard of Hungarian wines seems a fitting partner to the gold standard of literal cat food. Felix Crispies (salmon and trout): £1.29 a bag (60g), £3.00 a maxi pack (180g) Whilst they may not share the impressive culinary status of Dreamies, here we have the healthier heart option, with each fishy bite being stuffed with fibre, protein and omega 6. Consider Felix Crispies the brown rice of cat treats. Best enjoyed post-work-out. Ideal sauce combination: You will be particularly rewarded by employing a soft lemon and butter sauce to dilute the overhwleming marine taste. Accompanying wine: I’d recommend a firm Yellow Tail Shiraz, its foul Australian tang giving your taste buds a distraction from this utter muck. Thrive (chicken again): £15.79 a tub (200g), or £7.99 an advent calendar for some reason (42g) The overpriced, pompous snack for those men who drink at Brewdog and comment things on Twitter like 'you’ve won the internet today, sir'. These cubes do have a particularly refined, powdered look to them, and would be best used as the sort of thing you stick in a bowl at dinner parties to look dignified and never expect anyone to actually touch, much like those funny-coloured crisps. Ideal sauce combination: If you are truly determined with these, I’d drizzle them with some Nandos PeriPeri business as by god you just want to feel something. Accompanying wine: I’d personally go for a zesty red Cabernet Sauvignon, its immensely dry taste combining nicely with the desert-like texture of this overpriced snack. David Rowley
WWF Sells Panda Jam and Other Unethical Products
Life and Style
After a recent report found that workers for the animal rights charity, WWF, were engaging in violence and abuse on multiple continents, an even darker side of the organisation can now be revealed.
When I'm asked what Lifestyle is, and I often am, I always mention what a very good question that is. Because, well, all of life is life, and some of life is style. I'm alive certainly, but possess very little style, but others do possess style.
Not content with commissioning David Attenborough to quickscope poachers (and the occasional tourist) in the jungles of Borneo, this reporter can reveal that WWF’s online gift shop is now selling products made from some of the world’s most endangered species. A preliminary browse reveals the sale of jams and chutneys made from giant pandas, tiger-skin face masks, as well as dolphin-based aphrodisiacs. Reaction to this has been mostly bitter with many saying polar bears would’ve made a sweeter jam. WWF has since apologised and promised to only kill the tasty species for its customers in future. As for the human rights violations, how the hell would I know? Go read a real newspaper. James Rhodes
Who keeps the Simpsons still on air? We do!
So it's a sort of cross over really, between, err, those two things, life and style. What do you mean it's just any old crap? What? Absolute rubbish. Harry Clay
Lifestyle
18
Next issue: How to use a Rooma as a Sex Toy
'Cum' Removed From Dictionary Due to Dominic Cummings Officials from the Oxford Dictionary announced that ‘cum’ would be among the 34 words removed from next year’s edition due to a lack of use, a fall in popularity some believe to be caused by the word being in the name of ex-special advisor Dominic Cummings. The former director of Vote Leave’s mere existence had already caused fertility rates to drop 16% in the past decade, however his recent high profile news appearances have caused many things associated with him to be tarnished; these things include Barnard Castle, The Sittingbourne Deformed Egg Museum and the common term for ejaculate. "I first noticed it when me and my boyfriend were sexting” one woman told us, from a distance. “Usually mentioning that kind of thing really got us both going, but after the Durham incident he told me he was cumming and it was like I had an oven blasted up me, I completely dried up for days. All I could imagine was that supply-teacher-Gollum emerging from my boyfriend's foreskin like a sticky sleeping bag. Even visualising him as Benedict Cumberbatch’s portrayal did not help, in fact, it may have made it worse.” Sadly the Cummings effect has extended to the bedroom itself. "Sexual intercourse has become a hugely uncomfortable experience now. I can't help it, it’s just the thought of little eggshaped Dominic heads motoring up my urethra like it's the A66. Even when he’s wearing a condom I can’t help but think that’s exactly what Dom would want; the tiny sperms pressing against the transparent barrier, like a slimy metaphor of bureaucracy. The only way I can do it is to have him pull out while I close my eyes and ignore the messy exit that’s happening over my bed, again giving Dom exactly what he wants." This is not the first time world events have affected the language used around male ejaculate. Famously, 'semen' was removed from the Oxford Dictionary after the Euro 96 performance of England keeper David Seaman. Following the loss to Germany the nation’s fertility rates plummeted, despite the surge of men choosing to be clean-shaven. Daniel Bennett
The Evolution of the Hemingway Short Story, Through A Student's Eyes FOR SALE: FRESHER’S CONDOM. NEVER WORN - Tragedy, sadness. FOR SALE: FRESHER’S CONDOM. WORN. - Horror, intrigue, sexual tension. WORN FRESHER’S CONDOM SALE - Bravery, overcoming capitalism, rebellion WORN CONDOM SALE - Repulsion, desperation WORN CONDOM - Calm, status quo, a sense of normality Daniel Bennett 19
Arts
Subsequent Books for Life 12 Rules for Life - Good rhetoric, but without deeper meaning 12 Rules for Fife - An unusual commentary on southern Scotland 12 Rules for Strife - Conflict management guaranteed to not manage conflict 12 Rules for Nightlife - Worth reading if you happen to be a member of the York City Council 12 Rules for Wife - Unsurprisingly misogynistic 12 Rules for Blythe - Lovely little village in Yorkshire 12 Rules for the preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as - Parklife 12 Rules for Knife - What are yo... no please, Dr. Peterson no NO... 12 More Rules for Life - Phenomenal Harry Clay
Blank Red Canvas Sells for £45 Million FUCKING HELL!! You will not believe this! There was this big art auction in Paris, the el Paris de Arte un Auctionariere (‘The Paris Art Auction’). And there was all this art, like proper art, beautiful paintings of faces and oceans and sad cows, and these pictures were going for thousands. Now, I like a good old stare at some moody moos as much as the next man, but at most I would pay twelve quid to watch a film about the cows. And when you think about it, that's like buying millions of paintings that are shown to you really quickly, and at least you’re given a chair and some popcorn and maybe the cow will fly in a spaceship and get some tit out if it’s a really good film. So I think paying thousands of french pounds to get one moody cow picture is a bit much, but y’know, some people have a bit of cash down the sofa and really like cows, so fair dos. So just as I was coming to terms with that this completely red canvas comes out, and I feel really bad because clearly somebody has forgotten to hang the actual art up. And these fancy French places have really high standards so the poor git is probably getting fired for this. So like everyone else there I stick my hand up to tell them they’ve forgotten to hang it up, and the silly man starts the bidding. I laughed and put my hand down, but everyone else kept theirs up. And they kept them up for a really long time. I just don’t get it. It’s just a massive red square. The auctioneer said the painting was titled ‘Menstruation’ but I don’t know what red has to do with headaches. I thought it was a prank like that time I thought I brought some Banksy art but they shredded it instead. But no, I saw the money get chucked out of an unmarked van myself, someone actually paid £45 Million for it. My quest to understand art continues, next week I am travelling to the Louvre to investigate why Mona Lisa thinks she can get away without wearing a face mask. Daniel Bennett
You can join the Lemon Press
This is Satire Manifest
Review: Succulent Chinese Meal Man Porn Parody It had been a long and hard day when I sat down to review the latest porn parody in my watchlist. I've been ploughing through these lately and thought I may as well give it the full Reynard treatment while I'm here. So buckle up and get some tissues, 'Coventry's largest wanker' is about to share why 'DEMOCRACY MANIFEST XXX' is the best thing I've seen all year. As with any of these parodies, you need the right environment to watch it. Personally, I always start by putting on some light jazz and numbing my hand to such an extent that my iPhone doesn't recognise my finger's pulse. 10 minutes later and I'm getting even more good vibrations than those Beach Boys. Now, let's get back to the film...
After a further struggle with the handcuffs, we get back to some more typical interplay. Charles is in a headlock and producing enough spit to grease an F1 track like a baking tray. The officers think they have taken full control of their steed but Dosza has other plans. Arching like buckaroo, he sends fleshy masses streaking across the street as he races into the restaurant. Hands outstreched, he devours the succulent chinese meal and the camera. The screen fades to black and I black out on the couch. 10/10 night and an exceptional piece of film. Reynard
It begins with several burly police officers, all with fancy mustaches and no clothes to cover their throbbing erections. Charles Dosza, the Succulent Chinese Meal Man, is getting bundled into the car but his body is so slippery that even the handcuffs struggle to stay on. The temperature is rising and I'm not talking about the thermostat that son of a bitch Dave broke last week. After a conversational back and forth, Charles' limp penis is firmly in the grip of several officers. 'GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS'. Charles' war cry signals that we're at the most feral part of the picture. A cameo appearance from Jeff Goldblum was unexpected but they undoubtedly made full use of his talents in Dinosaur taming. We see Goldblum trying to calm down the raging Dosza.
Reynard collecting his press pass
Yes, Painting Model Soldiers DOES Make me Cool
Series 4 of The Crown Leads to Prince Philip Shooting the TV
I don't know where the idea came from that it didn't, it's some conspiracy or something, but everyone I know who paints little soldiers with me is an absolute player. Just think about the dexterity right? If you're getting the facings right on a whole infantry regiment, you can really do a thing or two with your fingers. Just imagine when you get the whole batallion together with all the proper basing sorted and man, it's a thing Greek Gods dream of.
Whilst watching the 4th series of the crown Britain’s chief assassin, the Duke of Edinburgh, became so convinced at Emma Corrin’s portrayal of Princess Diana he ended up shooting his TV in a fit of rage.
And what happens when you're done? When you've got all the troops you need to win? Well you start with the little dioramas don't you, the general taking a nice hard look over the field, the mule and oxen train, maybe even a few little buildings and set pieces. It helps to bring all the armies together when they're trying to tear a continent apart. So yes, it does make me cool. I know more about the Napoleonic Britsh army than you do, and that makes me better. Wait, why is this in arts? Harry Clay
We're £2 cheaper than Nouse
The Duke was not satisfied after shooting one TV, and attempted to destroy several other TVs using methods such as Novichok, and putting a TV in the back of a car without a seatbelt, getting the driver slightly drunk and having it go around a series of Parisian tunnels. When approached for comment, Prince Philip shouted ‘I’VE KILLED HER BEFORE AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN’ Chris Small
Review of the Year: Cinema It's been a bit shit. Chris Small
Arts
20
'Jesus? More like he's sus.' Luke 23:10
Physicists Claim to be 'Still Relevant' in Fighting COVID The Institute of Physics today released a statement claiming the most effective cure against COVID19 was to use a Ultra-High Energy Linear Accelerator, amidst claims that physics was ‘largely irrelevant’ in helping combat the virus. In a joint open letter from 95 different research organisations, the IOP argued ‘while the current vaccinations have passed several clinical trials and stand as a remarkable achievement for the global scientific community, they just don’t give the satisfaction of making some tiny shit go really fast then smash into other shit. Besides, all of these trials only considered COVID, what about anti-COVID, or string COVID particles? We need to first consider this virus in 17 dimensions' the letter continued for another 823 pages, with every paragraph of the group-written essay attempting to disprove the paragraph before it The team of theoretical physicists also briefly considered how their theory could be applied to the real world. “Since the human body is the host for the virus, each person would have to be accelerated to .99999% of the speed of light. These bodies would be several orders of magnitude larger and heavier than regular particles, so we are kindly asking the European Union to build us another particle accelerator. This one saves space by burrowing through the core of the Earth and will only cost 94% of the UN’s combined GDP, look please can we just have one more accelerator, I promise we will solve all of our questions if we just get one more? It doesn’t even need to have lights, or a canteen, or oxygen, just somewhere to test if my 67 years of work is right.” In a shocking turn of events, Elon Musk has agreed to fund the accelerator after an unprecedented amount of antivaxxers signed up to initial trials. Musk said 'I prefer not to use the anti-vee term, I prefer ‘scientific questioners’. And these questioners have found the answers they are looking for here, from me. They don’t need to risk all of these unknown chemicals when they can instead come down to the Earth’s core and experience the familiar safety of being thrown into light speed by an angry German professor'. Daniel Bennett
Apple Responds to Questions about lack of Accessories in Latest Phone with a Straight 'Fuck You, That's Why' In an interview with The Lemon Press, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the company’s decision not to include EarPods or charging plug with the latest iPhone 12 was an attempt to ‘distance ourselves from any illusion that we give a single shit about the consumer’. He closed, saying 'you’re lucky we’re still selling you an entire phone, you ungrateful little shits'. Will Gray
Oxford Vaccine Taking a Gap Year and Reapplying Next Year
Rainbow Six: Siege adds operation Yewtree Map
Following reports that Astrazeneca’s vaccine will undergo another global trial, we have confirmation that it will be taking a gap year and reapplying for next September. This will give the vaccine a chance to see the world and come back with a ‘fresh new perspective’ on the art of Instagram posts.
As it nears its sixth year of periodic updates, claims that the developers of Rainbow Six: Siege are running out of ideas have been thwarted this week with the announcement of its latest DLC: Operation Yewtree. The update will include both a new map, Stoke Mandeville hospital, as well as two new playable operators.
This development followed the realisation that it performed better with a lower initial dose. It got 90% on its mechanics exam with only 3 hours of sleep, body fatigue, and a ‘mild’ headache. It’s now going to retake its exams using this brand new technique next year and hopefully perform much better than the ’70% average’ it received over the summer.
Stoke Mandeville has been praised for its endless maze of corridors and non-descript wards that leave defending players feeling trapped and vulnerable while the opposing team draws closer. The offensive roster will be joined by Agent Saville whoes movements and actions will be hidden until he is eliminated, while Louis Theroux will be added as a defender providing morale buffs while confusing the opposition.
The vaccine told The Lemon Press that ‘I’m definitely going to Oxford next year and I certainly won’t have to rely on York as my insurance a whole year later’. Will Rowan
21
Science and Tech
The update is now being keenly awaited but developers admit they were initially planning on a Dunblane theme. Harry James
Find us on thelemonpress.co.uk
Coming soon: Halo 6: Grosjean Guardians
PS5 Launches with Surprise QAnon Themed Easter Eggs In an attempt to appeal to the ‘real hardcore gaming crowd’, Sony has partnered with Q of QAnon fame to included several hot takes about the events of the near future. The collaboration is in response to what Sony are calling ‘Phil Spencer’s irresistible gamer persona’ and how successful it’s been for the Xbox brand. Predictions include the ultimate outcome of the 2020 election (you won’t believe what happens next), Cyberpunk 2077’s actual release date, and a vague warning to look at what’s happening in the biscuit industry on the 14th of January next year. Gamers across the world are now huddled over 4chan boards waiting to see if these predictions come true, with biscuit based theories being a particular point of discussion within the community. 'It’s really brought the community together.' Said real gamer Michael Flynn. 'After Biden stole all the votes from us we really needed something to look forward to and the predictions the PS5 has provided has given us just that.' The move has, however, attracted some criticism from the anti-gamer crowd given the controversy surrounding the movement. Critics are saying things like ‘this is stupid’ and ‘yikes bro that’s pretty bad’ with some normies calling for Sony remove the content before what’s already being called ‘biscuitgate’ gets out of hand. Q
Nvidia Release Experimental Pen‐Based Graphics to fill 3000 Series Shortage Nvidia have announced that, in order to fill stock shortages of their new 3000 series graphic cards, they’re releasing an experimental design to the public starting next week. This new system consists of a Frenchman called Pierre and a quality set of biros. In their press release, Nvidia described how Pierre would come to your house, affix a white board to your screen, and proceed to draw really fucking fast in response to electrical stimulations sent via an expansion card. Critics have been quick to call this ‘bullshit’ due to heavy reliance on a one Frenchman called Pierre. Questions as to whether only one person will be able to use Pierre at a time or if Nvidia has implemented some sort of Pierre sharing system remain unanswered, and many are saying that this response is simply an inadequate distraction from the real issue. Pierre seemed enthusiastic about the project when we talked to him, saying 'I’m looking forward to having a job. It’s been a while since I paid rent and it’ll be nice to not get beaten by my landlord.' He also said that he thought he would finally be able to talk to his parents, now that he was actually using the art degree that they paid for. Whether this strategy will be enough to satisfy an audience thirsty for gaming power and not failed French artists remains to be seen. Matt Higgins
Xbox series X to ship with ‘gamer’ flavoured vape cartridges After the recent discovery by fans that the Xbox series X can also be used as a vape inhaler, Microsoft have said in a statement released to the press that, from now on, they will be shipping vape cartridges that represent the ‘diverse range of people and vapour’ in gaming.
Test and Trace to start offering in app purchases In an attempt by Rishi Sunak to balance the budget without raising taxes on his wife’s family, he has ordered government gimp Matt Hancock to implement microtransactions in the NHS test and trace app. The app will now contain loot boxes containing a variety of items that can be unlocked, including anything from getting to your test results faster, to unlocking skins for the vaccine, with the skins on launch including a Union Jack and a Dragon Lore. Chris Small
Flavours rumoured to be appearing include ‘mountain dew breath’, ‘Dorito keyboard’, and ‘gamer girl bath water’. Matt Higgins
Unless you're already there
Science and Tech
22
We probably aren't responsible for the death of Lord Mountbatten
An Address from our Leader Dear readers, Big Barry here, or I suppose just Barry these days. It’s been a while hasn’t it? Well I’m sorry about that lads, but I’ve been… preoccupied. I know you’ll be upset, it’s only natural, one day a handsome and charismatic revolutionary is inspiring you, giving your life meaning perhaps? The next he’s being charged with some very unpleasant crimes and you’re all being labelled cult heads! It can’t have been fun, but we had a good run, didn’t we? Don’t blame yourselves, the sacrifices were- wow- just great, and the riots were really quite touching. But as I sat in that police car, and then that cell, and then Big Barry ‐ As envisioned by Niall McGenity in colaboration with HMP Doncaster that dock, and then that other cell… I realised something. I realised that all the power, the money and the followers that made Barry Big just weren’t me anymore. No I didn’t have to cooperate with the police, but all those people, they weren’t my friends or my followers, they were Big Barry’s, and I’m starting to think they were a bad influence. So I’ve washed my hands of it all. I suppose I never considered the government’s point of view on a revolution, but when they reduced my sentence it sounded really interesting. I’m a new man now. I’ve got a wife, and a kid. I’ve got a Peugeot and a pressure cooker. I eat brown bread and sometimes Weetabix. I’ve started jogging and voting in local elections. All the drugs, women and alcohol? I barely even think about them. That much. Who needs caviar when you have Carling ay? We managed to release some equity on the house and bought a caravan, no boring queues for first class nowadays. The best part is that with this whole witness protection thing I can’t contact any of my old friends at all! They wouldn’t even know who I am! Even if I wanted to leave this four bed semidetached in Slough with the red door and the blue car (SL1 ODJ) they literally wouldn’t let me! Its only my dear Lemon Press that’s keeping me going, and its only a matter of time before someone realises how I’m contacting the editors. I stopped getting my issues delivered so I can only assume its all gone to shit. Well my parole officer is coming now, he’ll probably ask me to explain what satire is again. He keeps telling me that I’m not allowed to say 'smashing weather' anymore because that would be fetishizing violence, and because we’re in Slough, nothing is smashing, well apart from the windows. I haven’t got the heart or the latex to fetishize violence these days anyway. but try not to forget about me. Please don’t forget about me. Okay bye for now. Barry
23
Features
Regrets I've had a few
Next on Scuzzfeed... How to find your 5G Spot
How to get Financial Support from Rishi Sunak • Mug him in the street • Burgle his house. Plenty of options here, there’s his flat on Downing Street and his constituency home in Richmond (Yorkshire). • Steal his car. • Commission an artist to draw him in a compromising position with Lord Percy Percy, and then blackmail him. • Credit Card Fraud • Wire Fraud • Stealing his identity, tying him up in a basement, and pose as him whilst giving the budget, and then giving yourself as much money as you want. • Having a tory minister on whatsapp, then offering to sell them medical equipment despite having no prior experience. Chris Small
Five Reasons Writing for The Lemon Press is a Good Idea • Your CV won't be empty • Stop kidding yourself over your grades, you're going to get a 2.ii anyway, just waste your time with us instead • At least three of our alumni have worked for the police, you could find a career as a complete scumbag as well! • There is no number four • YUSU keep giving us media passes, haha, suckers Harry Clay
Musk Meets Misery Elon Musk is left cursing his luck after news of Pfizer’s vaccines filtered through to him in his volcano lair. The eccentric billionaire and world’s second richest man has had a mixed month with Bolivian democracy restored meaning his access to the lithium mines has just got a whole lot harder. Elon’s hope that the Bolivian government might get COVID have been hampered by the news that vaccine rollout is just weeks away. Bolivia are also pissed off at the South African’s insistence on tweeting nonsense and have dispatched agents to take him out. Elon’s personal security have suggested he try to keeping his family apart ‘n’ heid [err, you mean 'hide'? -Eds]. Chay Quinn
Stop the Count: The Top Five Counts that need to Be Stopped ﴾You WON'T Believe Number Three!﴿ • Count Dooku: He appeared in Attack of the Clones, need I say more • Count von Count: Not only is he a count, he teaches people to count. A top priority target for anyone who wants to stop counts. • Count Dankula: Preferably stopped permanently, in the middle of the road, by a 16 ton truck [Very dated and cliche delivery, doesn't fit with the narrative. Insinuation of opinions I don't have, seems to have been more then intent than comedy, which this also failed at. Overalll painfull unfunny. Cringe even. 0/10 see me after class. -Eds] • The 2019 YUSU elections: If you stopped them at the right point I would have won. Since then YUSU has been run by sleepy Samara Jones, and Crooked Patrick O’Donnell. • Count Dracula: He would have felt left out if I didn’t include him on the list
Then again too few to mention
COUNT Chris Small
Features
24
Could be worse, it we could be the Spectator
Patrick O'Donnell There's nothing I hate more than students having fun
When I was younger, my father always used to tell me that the fun you have in life is made sweeter by the pain you suffer to get there. That's why I'm all for increasing pain in our student populous. More confusing timetable changes, fewer activities, and a general increase in complete misery will make your uni experience far more rewarding. So when I get out of bed to go to work, I'm not doing it so you can enjoy yourselves you selfish little pricks.
Maddi Cannell Run faster! Stop Crying!
This crisis and our government have given us a mandate, and that mandate is to get you to move your fucking arse. If I had more power, and believe me I wish I did, every last one of you would be up at 5:00am for your three laps of campus and, if you missed it because you 'didn't want to' or 'forgot' or 'were seriously ill', it'd be the rope for the lot of you. But we're not allowed to do that... so for now, all we can do is encourage you to not be a lazy wanker.
Carly Precious Toughen up, because your life will get worse
There's no point pretending that you will enjoy this year of University. In fact, there's no point pretending that your life will be any better than it would if you just arrived at the welcome gates of a South Sudanese holiday camp. No bags of sweets, colouring in books, and safety nets will get you through the job market crunch, the inevitable mega recession, and the complete lack of opportunity for social fulfillment.
Matt Johnstone What do you mean you want study spaces? Nerds
What happened to the days when you could roll into University, build up a few minor offences, fluke a few essays, and waltz into a minor role in the Treasury eh? Now sitting around studying all day, reading, and working is all the rage, doing revision and preparing for what might come up in an exam. But that's no good. When my year is up, there won't be a single place for you to sit down and work, every lab will be sold off to the highest bidder, and any online journal will be blocked.
Brian Terry Press Freedom? Yeah, Freedom to Fuck Off
My Job as Activities Officer is to keep activities going. That means I've got to make sure all are societies working, ensure event spaces are open, and keep these unruly media groups in check. They want to write all sorts that'd just ruin my... our plans to make sure YUSU is the best Union it can be. Take last week, Vision tried to run a piece explaining how the Turning Point society just lie about their connections to TPUK and haven't done the basic ratification requirements, and, well, we couldn't have that ruining our reputation now could we? That would be a terrible shame. 25
Features
Still not in Print
If a Lemon is pressed in the woods, and nobody is there to hear it, has it really been pressed?
TRENDING: STATES I HATE AND WHY THEY'RE ALL CALLED GEORGIA AND PENNSYLVANIA
POPULAR: PLANDEMIC NOTHING BUT A SCAM SET UP BY MY EX WIFE'S LEGAL TEAM
HOW TO REMOVE COUNTING FROM YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE
NO, YOU'RE THE SNOWFLAKE BECAUSE I BLOCKED YOU, LOSER
Wake up sheeple! It has been in front of your eyes the whole time! Do you know what the sheep are famous for? Being c-o-un-t-e-d. By BABIES. Is this the mathematical institution that we (the people) form our life around? A concept for collecting numerical values taught to us by our mothers (a WOMAN) to help total up increasingly high numbers of sheep? And Sleepy Joe Biden wants us to use this and trust this to count the votes that we need to protect our 2nd amendment (or as real patriots call it, the one then another one-th amendment)? NO!
Now I'm a pretty relaxed guy, you know? I'm not into fighting for the sake of fighting, but man if someone disses my country, if someone DARES to throw their weight behind some commie loving, none God fearing, Dem voting, underwear wearing LEFTY, then boy oh boy do I have to throw myself in the ring. It's what's right, you know? I provide the common sense and balance that the MSM refuses to. Take our lads in Turning Point, they'll tell you how much common sense you have, but do lefties listen? Absolutely not. So when I block you on Twitter, it's because YOU aren't able to handle the real world.
Loyal friends, we need to work on removing this concept of counting, starting with our children. Why are we letting our children be infected by this institutional abacus propaganda? We must remove it root and stem from their lives! Their ageing will no longer be determined by their trajectory around the sun but instead by how hairy their chest gets. No hairs? Get fucked, you don’t deserve solid foods until that chest looks like a dead yak (obviously this measure will not stop you signing up to the army, and in certain cases, you should be sent straight to Iraq to help them grow). But simply ignoring age is not enough, we must stop children from idolising their numerical gods. We must publicly hang Count von Count, and air it in full on Sesame Street. I don’t care if your children cry, you cannot keep giving them safe space. Hold their eyelids open so they don’t miss a single second of this false maths idol’s death. Calories too. Don’t need to watch what you eat or what you put on if you have no way to measure it! Eat meat every day, don’t listen to the libs' Big Climate conspiracy, they will not be able to lie anymore anyway if they cannot count how hot it is or how many polar bears have fallen into the sea. Removing counting also has more benefits that you have not yet seen with your small brain. For example, have you ever looked at your bank account and wished that somebody would stop counting down all the money? Even if these are several hundred pounds worth of donations to Trump’s campaign, would it not
Take this last week. All I did was say the truth right? That Dr. Wakefield WAS a scientist WHICH IS CORRECT, and that SOMETIMES scientists are wrong. So that when these lefty academics show up with their liberal science degrees, maybe we shouldn't listen to them on vaccines? Or 5G or Covid or global temperature change or fucking anything else that might INCONVENIENCE our lives. And you know what happened? Like, 30 people started tweeting at me saying I was wrong and some other shit about 'concensus' and other words I don't know or can't spell. So then here I am, just telling the TRUTH on the internet, just being a guy being a dude with my other online bros, and these weirdos are out here at every announcement I make. I've got to block them, I mean, they're just fucking WRONG alright? But then they start calling me the snowflake? I mean, I'm being silenced here. I'm just trying to write about all the things that make my made on national platforms, and these losers won't let me do it in peace. Anyway, here's the top five minorities I hate.
feel so much better if you could donate and not lose money from your own account? We can go further. Why could we not do away with the concept of money and give everyone the same money, so then we do not have to count it? Then we just have to give people stuff based on what they need, wait oh shi-
COMING UP ON SPITEBART: WHY MY PULLING OUT OF A BY-ELECTION MAKES THE OTHER CANDIDATES THE COWARDS - LONDON HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A SHITHOLE, THAT'S WHY I ONLY OWN TWO APARTMENTS THERE NOW - WHAT THE HELL IS 'UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOUR' AND WHY DOES MY EX WIFE CARE SO MUCH Maybe next time
Features
26
TLP: better at headers than Andy Carroll
HOW TO LOSE LOCKDOWN WEIGHTS
It is completely fine to admit it: over the past month we have all gained a few extortionately-expensive home weight sets. Whether they be dumbbells, squat racks or just a few dozen tins of beans you swore you were only buying because everyone else was, everyone has gained several kilograms of clunky metal that no longer serve their purpose of being moved across the floor to make room for more empty alcohol bottles. But while there is no shame in having them, you may want to get rid of them to get summer-house ready (e.g for the inevitable air conditioning unit you will need to survive the coming decades). Here are some top tips to do just that: USE AS DISCUS - Everyone is expected to pick up a new sport at university, so since lockdown has probably prevented you from picking up one this term why not spend the half term practicing discus? Just pick up the weight disks for the dumbbells you swore you would use daily and fling them across the street. To start with you may only hit a neighbor or local cat, but with practice you will soon be lobbing heavy weights at enemies across the city. TASKMASTER CHALLENGE - It's the TV show sweeping the nation that you still feel smug for watching before everyone else because you are the kind of person who watches DAVE outside of Christmas time. Yes, Taskmaster is a format you can easily replicate through ZOOM, so why not run your own Taskmaster night and make one of
the challenges 'make this weight set disappear'. Unfortunately, the people on the call are probably just regular people and not industry-trained comedians who find the entertaining solution to problems, so you'll probably just end up with your weights in the bin or a charity shop, where they would end up anyway when you move out. KILL SOMEONE - It is common knowledge that if you want to get rid of something secretly you should kill someone and hide it in their corpse. After all there are entire churchyards devoted to hiding corpses, and if your one is found people will be so busy talking about the person you murdered that they will never talk about the pink dumbbells you hid in their stomach. Additionally, you have just gifted an extra dead weight to pallbearers to use for a shoulder workout, so it's a win for the whole community. HIGH-IRON PROTEIN SHAKE Protein Shakes, the drinks most commonly known for their use in the sentence 'I'm trying to keep pretty fit but I'm not obsessing, yknow, I'm not having protein shakes or anything.' So whip out that blender that you have hidden away since last Black Friday, and stick your weight set into it. Add a dash of milk, spinach for some reason, and your favorite fruit (which at this point is either Starburst or Captain Morgan Tiki), then blend and chug that bad boy down. Who needs to lift weights when you can BE the weights? Daniel Bennett
F1 Develops Time Machine so it can Race in Nazi Germany. F1 owners liberty media have finally admitted that the end goal of all the sportswashing it does for money is eventually to be paid in Nazi gold for travelling back in time to race in the Reich, as part of project Pitlane Paperclip. It is rumoured that Max Mosley will rejoin the FIA, in order to use his connections to facilitate the race. The Lemon Press has also admitted the end state of it's sports section is just articles about F1 and Nazism. Chris Small 27
Sports
Socially Distanced Sports Like the thrill of the winter chill whipping around your legs as you play some sports ball? The half of the pitch that still has thick mud and the other that's frozen solid? The fact that, if a football does hit you in this cold, it stings like shit? Me neither, but conceptually some lunatics do, and what better way to sustain the resistance against lockdown than motivate these unhinged individuals to be back on the playing fields in full force. Touch Rugby: Well first of all, I was much better at this than full contact, and if you read The Lemon Press you're probably similar to me. More importantly, this can be done in a completely Covid compliant way. You've got the ball? Sanitise it before you pass. You grab the little tassel things? Sanitise them. You slap someone on the back after they score meaning your lack of contribution was fine? Slather them down mate. Morris Dancing: From what I've seen, and boy have I seen very little Morris dancing, there's basically no touching. Now, if you slap some moss covered masks on them and polish off the whacking sticks, you've gone a long way to making it safe, but I'd also suggest taking all the bells off of the trousers as well. That's not a pandemic thing, that's a sanity thing for whichever poor shmucks live by the local village green. Pool: I just want them to open the pool tables again in D-Bar. Proof that my insistence that, no you can't borrow my fucking cue, is sage wisdom [or is that SAGE wisdom? - Eds.]. Synchronised Walking: This is a multi-player game, but you're the only player who knows. All you do is pick someone in front of you, and copy the pace and movements of how they're walking exactly from two meters away. Now, if you keep picking the same person, this game is outlawed by Prevention of Harassment (1997), and the same goes if you try to get into the same changing room or house that they do, but it's a fun way to pass the time. See how many different things you can copy, if they accidentally knock their hand into a cyclist, you do it! If they get a call saying their grandparents have died and have a breakdown in the street, you do it! Write for The Lemon Press: Not a sport per say, but it's emotionally intense, you get a sweat on, and injuries have been known. Harry Clay
A double page spread of sports
And worse than Peter Crouch
Gwyneth Paltrow Buys Millwall FC In a statement, the 46 year old Iron-and-Goop Woman announced she had become the sole shareholder of internationally-renowned young reoffenders home and alleged football club Millwall FC. The statement in full read: 'Hello Millwall fans, or as you say over there, cor blimey! I am absolutely delighted to announce that last night I became the Chief Executive and Owner or something of your amazing club! I know this may be a shock to you as to why I would consider you worth my time (but not as much as a shock as it was to me!). The truth is that this club is a sleeping giant with such passionate fans in a beautiful part of London, also Ryan Reynolds showed me how much profit he made from selling one Wrexham shirt and The Den was the cheapest stadium within an hour of Heathrow. Everyone in England I talk to always has a big smile on their face when I tell them I own Millwall, which says so much about the brand of the club. With that cute kitty cat badge and fans who love a sing-song, it’s no surprise why you have so many female and BAME fans/temporary-groundstaff. Everyone loves you, and as your owner I will do everything I can to keep that up! For all the smallprint nerds I want to add there are a few small issues I need to iron out, nothing major, just passing the EFL’s Fit and Proper Test. Now as of today I do not have exactly 100% of the funds needed for the club, but rather I have proved I will make all the money and more when I launch my new candle range. The whole range is about a female’s power to give life, including the smell of conception, birth and caring for that special creation, you will love it. I already have them lit around the ground and the smell of semen is so empowering that it was almost a shame to cover it up with my scented candles! (look dad, I wrote an actual joke in an LP article!) That’s all I have to say for now guys, I have a busy few weeks ahead, making candles and interviewing the two finalists for our new manager! I can’t wait to see what either Tom Brady or Megan Rapinoe bring to our club. Up the Hammers! Gwen xxx' Daniel Bennett
Falklands Reshaped as Maradona Tribute After the passing of Argentine footballing hero Diego Maradona, the Argentinian President announced a 6 day bombing campaign of the Falklands coastline to reshape the island into resembling the 'Hand of God' goal. The statement said 'The Falklands have long been a symbol of division in British-Argentine relations, therefore in this moment of mourning we have decided to turn the islands into a symbol of the man our country idolized, and the goal that their country still have a weird obsession over after 34 years.' After the 6th night of bombing the landmass now resembles the silhouette of Maradona jumping to punch the ball above Peter Shilton, an act voted by The Sun readers as ‘The 2nd Worst Atrocity of the 20th Century’ (behind ‘Joining the EU’). The Prime Minister seized his Belgrano Moment by standing outside Number 10 to urge gamers to boycott Maradona's Fifa 21 card, and instead 'play the Professional Evolution Football game'. The national mood over the announcement was, as always, decided by a Twitter argument between Gary Lineker and Piers Morgan. The pair naturally disagreed on the ethics of murdering thousands to sculpt a monument that will be eroded in a decade, with Lineker arguing 'it's a fair trade for the millions of Argentine children he helped conceive after 86'. Morgan responded, however since he has blocked all our reporters we have no idea what he said. Daniel Bennet
Martial Arts and Fencing Societies Given Approval to meet in Person Early After Second Hospitalisation
Students who are a member of one the many martial arts and fencing societies including Karate, Kedo, Fencing, and Alkido have been given approval to meet in person after the second hospitalisation of a member’s housemate and four sheepish phone calls to the landlord. With the national lockdown being implemented a few weeks ago, we all had to move things online, and sports societies moving their practices onlinehas caused a whole swathe of unintended consequences, from rugby students' housemates realising what a mistake they made to be living with that lad, to football players somehow getting even more mud around their houses. However, the student sports players who’ve caused the most chaos are the martial arts students, from the karate student who’s laptop didn’t used to have to have that crack, to the kendo student who’s bedroom used to have a light in it that wasn’t shattered. However,
You'll be telling your grandchildren about this
the two main issues came in the form of a taekwondo student and a fencing student who happen to live in the same house. The first trip to hospital came three weeks ago when in an attempt to practice an attack ended up throwing themselves down the stairs, they now have two casts on and are a lot less smug. The second one was caused by a fencing student practicing lunges, however they weren’t looking in front of them and ended up stabbing their housemates eye, it is still unsure if they will recover full vision. After hearing of this YUSU made a bold decision and chose to do something, they have told all of the martial arts societies that providing they observe proper social distancing in order to protect the lives and wellbeing of all students they will be able to meet in person. Bex Scott
Sports
28
Sometimes the letters are even written by the person whose name is at the bottom
Letters, Supreme Court Decisions, Buried Treasure Maps, Declerations of Independence, Missed Delivery Notes, Rubbish Collection Calendars, etc. Dear Editors, How can I stop my dad tweeting?
Dear Editors, Will I ever get a job in real journalism?
Yours, The Second Most Annoying Man Doing a PhD
Yours, Qhay Cuinn To Qhay Cuinn, Well you're asking a future lawyer and an inevitable vagrant so you're asking the wrong people, but, if we were to make a suggestion, give up on any principles and prepare to sell your body as well as your soul.
To the Second Most Annoying Man Doing a PhD, I would strongly suggest writing to Jack to have Twitter deleted. If that fails, you're doomed. Yours, The Editors
Yours, The Editors
Roy Keane
Roy Keane, lurking around maternity wards, slapping crying fathers into touch because they didn't birth it.
Roy Keane, hearing the baby's first word, cuntpunting it into orbit for hesitating Roy Keane, storming into the kid's 3rd birthday, burning the presents because he didn't earn them Roy Keane, observing the kid's first day at school, caning him for lack of passion Roy Keane, abducting the kid on his first bike ride, strapping him to a motorbike and launching him over the Dover cliffs Roy Keane, teleporting into the kid's first kiss, standing motionless but growling breakup poetry Roy Keane, kicking down the door as the kid's dog is put down, punching the kid for 29
Letters and Poems
crying then eating the dog whole Roy Keane, paragliding to the kid's graduation, hospitalising every parent for raising a culture of failure Roy Keane, on the eve of the kid's driving exam, cutting the breaks to avoid complacency Roy Keane, on the night the kid becomes a man, RKOing the girl when she suggests deviating from missionary Roy Keane, on the kid's wedding day, is not there The kid, on his wedding day, smiles and looks up as he remembers Roy Keane Roy Keane, standing up in the rafters, sees his smile and fires his shotgun. Daniel Bennett
A Polite Notice from Four Horseman Services Ltd. CHANGE IN BUSINESS OPERATION We are sad to announce that Messrs. Death and Pestilence are no longer able to operate their services under the following circumstances: - Client is in a pub or restaurant before 10pm exactly - Client is performing a task deemed productive to the aims and objectives of late stage neo-liberal capitalism and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, will we be able to take contracts if the client is attending face to face teaching at the University of York. Please note we will still, happily, be able to render services to clients having the slightest bit of fun under any other circumstances or otherwise just attempting to make life worth living for themselves or others. That just stands to reason.
Turns out I don't know the structure of a haiku. I wrote something dumb. Bex Scott Who would write a haiku They are outdated and stupid I would defo never Bex Scott
Small World Chris Small once set out to succeed For this he’d have to do many a deed Those deeds were long and sordid And he was not awarded So instead he studied law And he found it quite a bore But he got his degree And went to visit the holy See He met the Pope Who said Nope And he never left England again. Bex Scott
Are you finnished?
Fuck, thats a lot of Poems
Cosmo Charles and Half‐Cut Harry have both been taken into custody for their involvement in a multi‐national multi‐factor multi‐level marketing scheme ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Look we get it, you’re sick of lockdown you extroverted tosser, but for crying out loud shut up. We’re all sick of your complaining. No I mean it shut up. TAURUS (Aprill 20 - May 20) Would it actually kill you to be tactful? Like genuinely my cousin is dead, give it five minutes before you tell me to join for house drinks. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Do you ever stop smiling? This is a 9am seminar. I have met vampires more alive than I am currently, why are you like this? CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You don’t have an active imagination you need to stop doing hallucinogenics. LEO (July 23 August 22) For Jesus’s sake can you do your washing up for ONCE.
LIBRA ( September 23 - October 22) Trust your instincts, don’t do flatcest. SCORPIO (October 23 - Novmber 21) You should’ve done your formatives my dude, you need the help. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) Stop having hookups in parks, just because you wear a mask doesn't make you safe from Covid. CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) It gets better, I'm told... AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) No one cares about your A level grades, or that you were prefect, or a house captain, move on my friend. PISCES (February 19 - March 20) Those couples Christmas jumpers are cute, but maybe wait till you’ve been dating at least a week.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) Have you considered you don’t need to wear heels on a night out? Try it for once.
Are you sick of being your own worst critic? Then let US criticise you! The Lemon Press’s Judgment Panel will give you all the self-doubt YOU have missed out on from not being around strangers! Send us a list of your personality traits, current grades or (FULLY CLOTHED) selfies and we will get back to you with a paragraph of selfdoubt justification in 48 hours! Simply send them to yusu.org/ complaints with proof of your identity.
Sir, .-..- -...- -..-.- -..-..-..- -.-.-..- -.-.-.-..- -.- - -.- -..-...- -.-.- -.-.- -...- - -.- -..-.- -...- - - .- -..- -..- -.- -...-.- - -..- -..-...- - - .- -..- -..-.- -..-..-..-..-..-.- -.-.-.-.-..- -...- -..-.- -..- -..- -..- -..-.- -..-.- -..-.- -..-....- -...- -.- - -...- - -..-.- -..- -..- -.-.-..- -.-.-.-..Yours respectfully, Samuel Morse
Cold Has it ever been truly warm? Here in my dorm This house I share with three Where I think I might freeze As I watch my knees shake I think I’ve made a mistake. Bex Scott
Life or something idk?
Flatcest Oh flatmate you’re sexy. Oh flatmate you’re hot. Oh flatmate it’s you I’d like to bonk. Please give me an apoplexy. If you let me shoot my shot. I’ll no longer have to wank.
I know I’ll end up jobless The capitalists robbed us And the drugged us unconscious Pretending they were harmless Although pompous But they never kept their promise And made us an accomplice To force life upon us.
Bex Scott
Fuck off then
Poems and Horroscopes
Bex Scott
30