The Lemon Press - Issue 47 by The Lemon Press

Now in longterm stable employment

Editors' Introduction Many years ago, several stars aligned. As Altair and Sirius came together, the pass of Rigel reflected a light and energy onto our temporal and earthly realm. In those seven months, two morons of varying height, intellect, and irritableness were born into that heavenly light, and were at that point destined onto greater things. However, we were also born in that time, and have now completed our romantic year together editing a student satire magazine. It was a beautiful time, it was a stressful time. There was joy, elation, tears, fears, hit new features, crap old features, and a veritable range in quality of content. We brought back the student sound offs and deadline headlines, which was nice, and also brought back publishing late and grammatical errors. We also, err, never printed, which for us and that flat in James that used to use copies to cover their table was a bit of a downer, although we’re sure that everyone on campus was much happier for it. In this issue you’ll find our coveted and award considered YUSU election spread giving you the hottest and wettest information in all of the races that matter, so you can make an informed choice only one day after voting has closed. We’ve also got the latest news on the possibly now late Prince Philip, a range of plans the University is working on including cutting students and balkanising the campus, and latest comments from the YUSU team in The Drectator. The issue also has the very latest on Mr. Tumble, top lifestyle tips on trading and getting your deposit back, and a phenomenal review of the new gallery in York, ‘The Crap on my Desk’. It’s a very personal end for the pair of us editors, as well as a host of characters from the rest of the committee. Mainly, this is because we all need something new for our LinkedIn profiles, and now don’t just get to waltz into any old YUSU event we feel like. If you’re the type to pray, keep us in there, and if you’re the type to hire graduates, please be in touch with the society email while we still have access. Now though, our time has come, and instead of taking up the countless offers of long-term, stable employment, one of us will be catapulted to space in the next SpaceX launch, and the other is about to be elected as the next Mayor of London, but we’re not going to say who’s who. Ta ta. Chris ‘Chaffee’ Small and Harry ‘Gammons’ Clay

Contents pp 3‐10 pp 11‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐28 pp 29‐30

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Letters, Puzzles & Horoscopes

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Harry Clay and Chris Small Deputy Editors: Holly Palmer and Matt Higgins Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editor: Daniel Bennett News & Politics Editors: Zeena Minstry and Bex Scott Lifestyle Editor: Bethan Hubbard Science & Tech Editor: Matt Higgins Arts Editor: Lucas Leﬂey Features Editor: Bex Scott Sports Editor: Alex Towells Illustrators: Holly Palmer (Front Cover and Various), Niall McGenity (Back Cover and Various), Harry Clay, Tom Davies, and Tom Holderness President: Harry James Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Bex Scott Vice-President: Will Rowan Social Secretary: Bethan Hubbard Ordinary Members: Nick Lunn, Niall McGenity, and Joe Thornton Contributors: Tom Davies, Tom Holderness, Alex Howarth, James Rhodes, Reynard, Martin Petcher, Will Gray, Chess Warren, Slack Jarvey, and Gregory Waddell Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations (excluding p. 15) are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 13th March 2021.

The kraken awaketh

Contents

Even RON refused our endorsement

ARE YOU READY TO REPENT YOUR SINS?

YUSU OF ELECTION

OH GOD THEY REALLY STILL DO THESE?

Yes, they absolutely still do. Every year, to avoid the ever flowing tide of people who would rather vote for nobody than a Sabb, and the ever powerful grasp of the Charities Commission, YUSU still holds their annual 100% not an attention contest often referred to as the election. If you’re the kind of person who loves democracy, who sweats over participation, or actually knows what STV stands for, then this is the event of the year. As is tradition, YUSU have refused to actually tell The Lemon Press who’s running, why would they want their student media to know which group of college chairs, people with over 400 LinkedIn connections, one guy who got someone to translate their leaflets into Mandarin, and someone making geese jokes will be getting the tob jobs right? So we’re continuing to put a real service together, by providing our list of people who we reckon are running, as well as endorsing candidates as voted for by students who bothered to show up to our meeting the other week. If you believe these candidates are better than the real deal, then write their names on thousands of pieces of paper and pile them up in front of the sabb’s office door.

YUSU PRESIDENT The Chinese Communist Party Expanding the Belt and Road initiative, the CCP have promised to construct a ten lane motorway straight through the middle of campus to bring wealth, infrastructure, and pollution back to York.

The Health Protection Regulations 2020 Have you spent too much time socialising over the past year? Well this candidate is promising to lock every single one of you in your rooms until graduation, which will be cancelled.

ACTIVITIES OFFICER Captain Sir Tom Moore R.I.P. rsed o d En Gone from our world, but not from our hearts, Captain Tom Moore is running from the dead to try and stir some life into YUSU activities, and promises he will start by wearing normal clothes, the madman.

Campus

A 'Like New' Student Sofa Promises to be 'rigid' but 'supportive' in ofﬁce. Although there's no evidence, The Lemon Press strongly believes that the sofa's policy to 'bomb the shit out of Burma' may have been stolen from another candidate.

The YUSU Complaints ed Process ors d n E If you want your enemies not to say a word for 10-12 working weeks, then this candidate has your vote. They were expected to run along side the Uni process, but tactfully decided that one was enough.

The Guy who Hates the new Crossing He's your dad, he's my dad, he's everyone's dad. And he hates that new pedestrian crossing. He would be repeatedly driving over it to try and rub it out, but is currently serving an 18 month driving ban.

That Old Ice Sculpture The empty chair tool stands to highlight how none of the current candidates are the leader of either of the two major UK political parties. They've been open about requiring an expensed fridge in the ofﬁce.

The Forest A one part act that's been largely unsuccessful and has gone on to not complete its requirements, the previous activities ofﬁcer has endorsed the cold air, wobbly tables, and restricted menus that the Forest has to offer.

This would be a real page turner...

Look how they massacred my activities officer

FFICER NS 2021

NOW FEATURING 100% MORE SPACE AGE FONTS

Notepad++ Quite literally the best word processing tool you could ever ask for, as well as useful for all that other coding lark. Not good if you're a fan of luxury features like text formatting, or image insertion, or fonts.

Zoom Few people have ever watched a rise quite so brutal as the Zoom market share graph. Zoom promises to bring the seminar to you wherever you are, even if you're muted.

ACADEMIC OFFICER The Safety

ed ors Few d n E

Net

people know that the safety net is an actual net guarded by a ﬁshing family dynasty. Promises war with Spain, war with Iceland, and a fresh catch every day for catered meals.

The Eternal Ad Board Bow down under the warm glow of the eternal board. Give in to its temptations of York Strengths, and the new Psychology courses. Let its electric crackle bring you endless fulﬁllment, joy, and static shock.

COMMUNITY & WELLBEING OFFICER

Paedophile Dressed as a rsed School o d A prominent En member of the Shefﬁeld community for 12 years now, Peter File found online campaigning only to be useful, because he's not allowed within 10 miles of the St. Lawrence Primary School.

Harrison Ford Harrison Ford is ready to make some more money now they've killed him out of Star Wars. Ford has also promised to swim to the bottom of the lake and put whatever he ﬁnds in a museum. We're expecting it to be cholera.

Rush Limbaugh The ﬁrst of the two dead candidates running, Limbaugh has promised to crush lefties, liberals, and minorities by dribbling on himself every week in a new URY show. £10 says is sounds just like TLP's Misinfo Wars.

Alex Salmond Having been getting away with not running for YUSU for years, Salmond has promised to bring honour, decency, and that bit of paper he has that says 'not guilty'. The SNP will be bankrolling his candidacy to get rid of him.

Prince Philip HRH the Duke of Edinburgh has already started shedding his skin in the YUSU ofﬁce to mark his territory. Reports have suggested that the Prince is oiling up his jaw so he can consume students whole.

YORK SPORT PRESIDENT

Tiger Woods

ed High s r performance o End racing driver, top shagger, and average golfer, Tiger Woods is ready to do some community service at his own insistence this time, by taking controls of the YUSU car crash.

Rowan Atkinson It's been suspected that Angus Deayton, the second man on Atkinson's one man show was responsible for Atkinson's crash, so taking a leaf out of his book, Rowan will be promising hookers and blow if we win the next Roses.

Romain Grosjean Grosjean is known for what is colloquially known as 'doing a Chaffee' in the racing world. I wonder if there's a running theme to these other candidates as well? Nah, can't be. Romain will bring an explosive restart to UoY sports.

Image credit: givemesport.com, Wally Skalij, Paul Fanks, airsafe.com, yorkpress.co.uk, Sky News, Kiefer, Gage Skidmore, and Ninian Reid. Content written by Harry Clay, candidates chosen by the committee.

if you could actually turn the pages

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Deep Fakes Used to Convince Students there’s an Election on A team from the University’s computing department have successfully convinced thousands of York students that YUSU is having an election to replace their sabbatical ofﬁcers. Using newly developed deepfake technology, and a pallet of new GTX 3090’s, a group of students worked under a PhD candidate to see if they could create fake interviews from thousands of pictures of students at the University and interviews from years before. The department has told The Lemon Press that there were a few key advantages that this project had at York. Primarily, the team wouldn’t have to re-write the content spoken by candidates as almost everything said was the same, although one dev did work on a Covid plugin, that would blame arbitrary problems on the pandemic. The Candidate Interview Night, 60 Second Manifestos, and Debate Night have all been elaborately staged, and the lack of any in person contact has made it noticeable. Some student journalists involved in these events were told, but only those managing the events meaning most interviewers were not aware that they were grilling a machine. Questions are now being asked about the three rerunning sabbs who were arguably real people last year, and whether or not Brian Terry was forced out of YUSU because he knew the reruns would be against machines and AIs. This will lead to greater confusion, as the YUSU by-laws do not rule out such machines from taking the job should they win the votes. I for one am just glad my role on campus, writing vaguely tone predictable versions of maybe the same eight jokes year in year out, wai.... Harry Clay

Local Meme Page Demands to be Known for its Own Attrocities This week saw the bimonthly coming together of student bodies to say ‘never again’ to the actions of 283 (at time of writing) meme pages, for actions that shocked only the sabbs who regularly correspond with them. In equally shocking scenes one of the 285 (at time of writing) pages has responded, demanding that they only be accused of their own insidious actions instead.

Hockey Team Disappointed Lockdown Rules Prevent Travel to Poland, Russia, France, and the Low Countries Lockdown travel restrictions have prevented the University of York hockey team from taking part in its annual ‘lightning hockey’ tour of Eastern Europe, the Low Countries, and France, which would typically involve a large amount of amphetamines, white t shirts and marker pens, as well as a crucial match played against the University of Reims ChampagneArdenne. However a YUSU source has suggested this could have been a blessing in disguise because the team wouldn’t have had much fun in Stalingrad. From 28th March it will be possible for patriotic alternative members to be racist in groups of six outside. Chris Small

'It's disgusting to be honest’ said a statement released exclusively on 9GAG. ‘Everyone in the fake mainstream media, who nobody pays attention to anyway, focuses on us giving out disinformation which we did WAY less than the other pages. Why does nobody focus on our successful harassment of BAME Ofﬁcers instead? Our so-called President hasn't even congratulated us on it, which is just typical. How many more times do we have to say ‘Fair Play’ with clappy emojis before you give us the credit we deserve?’

The outrage has reverberated around the entire election, including one candidate who spent their whole 60 Second Manifesto clarifying which confession page they were a part of, ending the video with a 20-string diagram centred around the word ‘Zucc’ . The strong condemnation from college chairs is feared to rock the boat further, causing as many as one student to unfollow the 287 (at time of writing) accounts, mainly due to the 57 response stories being too much effort to skip through. Needless to say, whatever the fallout is from this, the severity of the response will ensure nothing like this can ever quite happen again. UPDATE: A full retraction of the previous story has been issued by the page after the other admin woke up. (We look forward to your father’s emails.) UPDATE 2: I would like to retract everything I said in the above story, also does anyone know how to stop people online calling my cat ‘an ISIS sympathiser’. Dan Bennett

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Turns out laughter isn't the best medicine

Students Demand To Only Pay £30,750 For Degree This week over 500,000 people signed a cross-university petition demanding that students only pay £3000 this year for the privilege of doing a degree. The petition took just three days to cross the Boatface Threshold (the number of signatures the Boaty McBoatface petition got, at which point any petition must be taken seriously), and its creator told us that 'while not conﬁrmed yet, the amount of signatures and clear student anger means that the change is almost inevitable. There's literally no way the government can ignore us now! All of this really shows that students have the power to temporarily cheapen a service that they could have received for free a generation ago'. If successful, it will mean the average graduate will have paid off their student debt at 47 instead of 49, giving them two years of extra income to put towards their emergency boat needed to escape the swarm of vengeful polar bears. The petition received vocal support from York's Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffrey, saying 'it is great that students are able to do this important work whilst me and the senior University team have been working on... well, you'll see in two years'. He continued, 'I've been told tuition fees are an important issue among students. When I see stickers about my salary around the University it hurts me, mainly because of the smell of the place, but also because we're all in this together', speaking to us from atop his newly-purchased ﬂeet of sexwhales. When asked whether the government would consider the petition, Universities Minister Michelle Donelan said 'No'. Dan Bennett

The Tomb of the Unknown Student A tomb is to be opened on campus in honour of recent students who have had much of their degree lost to Covid and strike related breaks. On the 6th of September, Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffery will be holding a memorial service for the tomb of the Unknown Student. The service will begin with a rendition of Elton John’s ‘Sorry Seems to be Former Student Sound Off the Hardest Word’ by the Much Kazoo About Nothing Society, followed by a comedic reimagining of the student’s life at University by Pantomime Society. A ﬁve minute silence will be held, a minute for each term of teaching lost, and a procession will be led between the campus bars. It is believed that Jeffery will be making a speech, and part of that speech has been forwarded to The Lemon Press with the proviso that we don’t publish it:

[I'm] more machine than man now. Twisted and evil. Slack Jarvey, still reading TLP

‘This service allows us all to take stock, and reﬂect on what a top quality Russell Group University education is meant to be about. Let us all metaphorically turn off our cameras and mute our microphones, and rest. Let us also ensure that our contracts with shady edges of the Chinese Communist Party, and accommodation building contractors do not expire, and that we do not allow any more study spaces on campus, so that from this day forwards, maybe we can have a thousand more unknown students every year.’ To fulﬁl legal requirements, a student randomly picked from Derwent will be buried in the tomb, so make sure to keep checking your emails. Harry Clay

YUSU Elections Shatter Diversity Records

This year’s candidates for the five Sabbatical roles at York have shattered records for the diversity of social media platforms they use. In inspiring scenes, the recently-revealed candidates showed that they are on four social media platforms between them, coming to represent Facebook, Instagram, Twitter as well as a few brave voices who publicly admitted they are on Tiktok. This is the most diverse range since the year a candidate conducted their campaign entirely through 4chan. In a statement, YUSU said ‘the sheer number of groups represented has proved that our candidate recruitment this year really worked. In particular, our nominate an influencer/rival lover friend scheme, so many people who didn’t consider a year-long dedication to work before were inspired to represent their social media of choice. No matter who gets elected to the five roles now, everyone can see the diverse range of voices that make up our student union’. Early polling has shown a RON surge, however, once endorsements come in this is expected to become a landslide. Dan Bennett

200 billion people hate TLP each year

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If you lived in Derwent, you don't need to worry about what's in the vaccine

Physics Department Hire Hippo AS PhD Student University of York PhD Student Trent Pottomous was hired by the Physics department in 2018 despite being known to be a hippopotamus. The four tonne mammal impressed a professor in the department after displaying a ‘solid understanding of Newton’s 1st Law’ when charging the professor's safari jeep over the summer. However, a month before starting its placement at the University the hippo was caught devouring an entire village and eating 15 villagers alive. Many students in the department were shocked to learn that the ‘polite and helpful’ Trent was not a person but instead a hippopotamus wearing a pair of novelty glasses, bow tie and a little twee top hat atop its monstrous meter-wide head. Senior figures within the department claimed to not be aware of Trent’s mammal status, yet documents released under the FOI Act show special orders given out to protect him, such as at 5am every morning when he was winched up to the roof of the black Physics cube by a team of Academic Representatives whilst singing the song ‘I’m a happy happy hippo and I wear a hippos hat’ to the tune of 'Dingle Dangle Scarecrow'. Several students have also complained that previously-booked office time with their professors had been cut short due to their new dung-shovelling commitments. In between shredding unrelated files, one academic told The Lemon Press ‘Trent Pottomous has an outstanding academic record, and is an extremely talented physicist once you consider that he has to perform all the experiments with those stumpy feet. His work has the potential to change lives, which is a net positive once you take away those villagers he stomped on, right? The department also has always had a majority intake of tall students who are harder to trample on, so in a way we’re actually highly progressive in preventing this sort of thing’. Trent has now been let go by the department and dropped into the University lake, and the Physics department has pledged to never let themselves be caught hosting a hippo in the building again. Fortunately this was the only hippo-related incident ever recorded in physics academia, and as such students can rest assured there is no need to ask further questions about the prominence of mammals in the field. Zebedee The Lemon Press Picks The Next YUSU

Director Christopher Nolan: After renaming the organisation YUSUY, the famed auteur will try and convince Vision and Nouse that they’re only being censored in a dream. But the caveat is, when you’re censored in a dream, you’re being censored in real life - fuck that’s clever. Roman Polanski: Working from abroad has never been easier and that’s good because Polanski can’t come to York for er… reasons. D.W. Griffith: Griffith will appoint Turning Point UK to fill all of DoorSafe’s vacancies and will trade their black shirts for white hoods. Stylish and affordable.

Hot New Startup: The Yorker This is a sponsored post There’s a hot new startup in town and it’s called The Yorker. Offering 50K starting salaries and ‘competitive beneﬁts’, they’ve cornered a market which was once round. While Elon Musk became the richest man in the world, you could be forgiven for forgetting the new set of local millionaires being churned out of The Yorker’s success. Since reducing their membership fee to the princely sum of £0, they’ve started offering stock options, bitcoin, and ‘a sofa in Coventry’ for those brave enough to write for the esteemed publication.

Mel Gibson: Mel Gibson: William Wallace will institute a public awareness about how it’s actually very easy to change history. The scruffy, unkept, face-painted warrior has suggested that his later ﬁlms may better reﬂect the work of a students’ union. Martin Petcher

Step aside Amazon, make way Tesla, checkmate Google. The Yorker is the new unicorn on the block. It’s a melting pot of ideas, a beacon of British independence, and extremely online. Invest now.

1) 50p from the old couple who thought his hat looked funny

Next week, I’ll be looking at how cryptocurrency can save you a pretty penny and my marriage. Will Rowan

Top Three Tips For Brian Terry in His New Job

2) A mint and a business card for Minnie the Clown Parties 3) Approximately £19,793.58 plus Christmas and holidays for assisting societies for a third of a year Mr Scaena 7

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Gamers are a girl's best friend ['?' Eds.]

Honey, I Shrunk The Safety Net! Over a usual Christmas break, Charlie Jeffrey loves to meet up with family and friends to socialise and de-stress. However, due to circumstances beyond his control that was not possible this year, so he had to find another way to let off some steam. He settled on smacking about some baseballs in his back garden, but unfortunately his aim (or lack thereof) got him in a spot of bother, after he put a ball through neighbor Matt Johnstone’s window. Little did Jeffo know that Matt had been working on an experimental new Shrinking Ray as a secretive collaboration with the Maths department. The baseball flew through the window an smacked the control panel on the device, sending a mysterious beam towards the newly-completed safety net 2.0 and shrinking it to a shell of its former self. Meanwhile, Johnstone was at a Russell Group conference, where he was turned away for not being called Russell. Before he was shown the door, though, he asked for a no-detriment policy similar to last year’s, where you couldn’t get a grade worse than your average from the year before. The Russells said no, though, deeming it '[not] necessary or appropriate'. Disheartened, Johnstone returned home, only to find his window smashed in by a wanton baseball! In a rage, he swept everything off of his desk and into the bin, including the tiny safety net. Fortunately, it managed to fall out a hole in the bottom on the way out to the big bin, finding itself stranded on a flower in Johnstone’s garden. It then got picked up by a bee for some reason. The bee kindly dropped the safety net off by a discarded set of first year resits. It managed to somehow keep itself going by taking in some of these, ready to give out to any student that needed to resit more than 50 credits’ worth of modules (though it doubted any would). However, a second year student was after those precious resits, so the safety net made a compromise - they could have some exceptional circumstances claims accepted without evidence, so long as they got the safety net back inside. Grateful, the second year student duly carried the safety net back into Johnstone’s house. The next day, the safety net manages to find its way into a bowl of Johnstone’s beloved cheerios, in an attempt to remind its author of its existence. Johnstone fails to notice the safety net though, and almost eats it along with a spoonful of wholegrain goodness. The shrunken safety net escapes an unfortunate fate by throwing itself out the spoon just in time. However, it just landed in Johnstone’s luscious beard, and hasn’t been seen since. Johnstone never returned Jeffrey’s ball, and is suing for damages to his window. Alex Towells

YUSU Servers Explode After Alcuin Student Association Release Election Endorsements After weeks of speculation, Alcuin College Student Association released their endorsements for this year's YUSU Elections, sparking a mad rush to the voting site that overloaded it to the point of spontaneous combustion. After announcing their picks for candidates, YUSU servers exceeded their bandwidth within minutes, and after an hour the local fire brigade had to be called to put out several fires in the server room. Regrettably, the firefighting efforts were abandoned after several firemen got into violent fights over who should be the new Working Class Officer, causing the entire York University IT Department to burn down. In place of losing their entire online learning access, the University has offered every affected student one roast goose. This did not stop the chaos, as hoards of frenzied students swarmed PC World just to get a wired laptop that could log onto Alcuin's website, trampling several grannies and a dog. A police investigation found the swarm innocent of manslaughter, claiming that 'the trampled should have been more careful, there was always going to be a risk of trampling when Alcuin release their emails at midday'. When asked for a comment on the Alcuin endorsements, a member of the public said 'Alcuin have endorsed candidates? Holy fucking shit, WHERE?!', desperately running through The Shambles screaming for anyone to tell him the endorsements. He continued for miles, until an officer told him all the endorsements were for RON. Daniel Bennett

Zero likes each year :﴾

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Our female contributors go to another school

Safety Net Standard Applied to Societies Trampolining - All safety nets have been removed, but replaced by ‘a safety net by other means’. This entails the concrete ﬂoor of the gym being moved down so students hit it later rather than now, easing the anxiety of the trampolinists as a splat delayed is a splat ignored, right? Football - Unlike the previous nine months of the pandemic, the University is now adapting to deliver football online. This is a welcome relief to the footballers who presumably must’ve spent the previous two terms playing in Zorbs, however due to YUSU budget cuts they cannot afford to purchase FIFA for every club. Therefore, this year’s competitive seasons shall be played entirely in Lego Soccer Mania (2002). No, your sports membership will not be refunded, this is as good as a normal season. Fetsoc - Financial issues mean the university has been unable to provide the society rope, but to not ruin the integrity of bondage, the ropes used have been replaced by snakes. Why snakes? Well, shut up, we are the ﬁrst university in the Russell Group to have our fetish society use snakes instead of just nailing the submissive to a plank of wood. Is that what you want you whiny little shits? You want the Oxford safety standard, where some property investor's 2nd born child chops off your hands as a form of foreplay? No? So be grateful the uni is giving you this basket of snakes, if they bite you just consider it an extra learning experience. Nouse/Vision - Turns out safety standards also apply to libel, so the university has also removed the need for evidence in libel claims, so it is open season for former sabbs and local MPs (who until now always had to wait for hard facts before issuing legal threats) . Daniel Bennett

York Memes 12 rules for life. Set up an anonymous confessions page Set up an online business selling dick stretchers Always publish confessions related to Nazi theories Claim not to know said Nazi theories. Boohoo the student ‘so called journalists’ are being mean to me Have a rich lawyer daddy to stop people reporting on you Make sure to keep up with your doctor’s spine removal appointments If someone asks if you’re responsible for the Apollo One ﬁre, deny responsibility Keep Daily 2 minutes hate against York Vision Eat a succulent Chinese meal Become a Proscribed terror group. Always have a deep self loathing, which manifests itself in the form of presenting yourself as a unbearable cunt. Chris 'top contributor' Small

Campus

Uni Cuts Student Support Funding, Discovers It’s An Elaborate Cake Staff at the University of York were this month left baffled after attempting to cut the funding to mental health support, only to find out the whole thing was just a very elaborate cake. An insider at the University told The Lemon Press ‘it was a really dispiriting negotiation back and forth between two sides, but in the end we had to settle and only halve the funding to services this year. I mean, we had it worked out that costs approximately £54.82 to make one student smile long enough to leave our offices, and with the pandemic we just have to give them smiley face masks which cost a fiver, so there’s no reason we should be spending 50%’. The university reassured board members that most of this budget would go towards publicity. However, when the finance team went to slash the budget, they were shocked to discover the entire fund had been a cake the whole time. ‘I couldn’t believe it’ said our insider, frantically prodding themselves to ensure they were in fact not cake. ‘None of the team had really been near it, but from a distance it sure looked like the tab we used to move money into to make problems go away was not cake. I mean, who would choose to be a Wellbeing Officer if half of it was just throwing 50ps at a cake? Madness.’ One student told The Lemon Press that ‘it was pretty obvious the funding was cake from the start. I tried to use one of their emergency services during a pretty low point, only to get there and be told that I should try to think of happy things such as a delicious cake, to eat things that would increase my blood sugar and to maybe lick the counselor. I tried it because I hadn’t eaten in several days, but to be honest it only made the situation worse.’ The university defended their services, saying it fitted with their effective student support strategy that included putting bouncy castles below known high points, however these were also revealed to be cake after one student fell straight through the sponge. A chocolate-coated student told The Lemon Press ‘this is the one thing I didn’t want to happen’. Daniel Bennett

Luke Mason Comes Out As Q‐Anon Believer Presidential hopeful Luke Mason has reiterated his support for QAnon, the conspiracy theory about a powerful cabal of people who abuse children. Rebranding himself as Q-ke Mason, the outside shot of YUSU President unveiled his manifesto in which he promised to hang Patrick O’Donnell off of Central Hall’s balcony from his ankles on day one. Going on, Mason pledged to open ﬁre on all people in the vicinity of the Courtyard pizza oven later that day. Turning Point UK have pledged their allegiance to Mason. Martin Petcher

Want to vomit up some ideas?

TLP’s Interview with Megan Markle: Coming Soon

Balkanising York New Vice Chancellor Charlie Milošević has announced a wide scale strategy for granting students more power and access by dividing the Universities into subsections, to be self governing and with full independent authority over the resources provided. A statement from college chairs initially was supportive of the move, assuming that power would be handed to them, but the revealed plans show a very different story, with the realisation that few people know or care about college chairs. Derwent is to be split in half, north and south of the college reception, leaving them a bar, teaching facilities, and accommodation in each. Derwent extension, further removed from the main block should be with Derwent south, but with combined pulls from Alcuin, has declared its own independence. Rumours have already been started that a combined Derwent army is being put together to put down and/or ‘cleanse’ extension. The James college area will consist of most college accommodation and the York Sport Centre, but YUSU will take over the RKC and Physics. One student has commented that YUSU would only waste such a facility, although we counter that suggestion by assuming James college would do anything else. Student media ofﬁcers and Eric Milner blocks are caught between the YUSU/James feud, east Vanbrugh across the newly named Latin bridge, and Wentworth, who has already left its conﬁned space and occupied the entirety of Biology. When told of the peril of the student media groups, one University spokesperson said ‘good riddance to the freeloading bastards I hope they fry’, a comment stolen from Graham Chapman’s eulogy. East has been even messier. Each college was left alone as they were, but tensions began to brew as Goodricke laid claim to the entirety of the new Lister college still under construction. Langwith then sent out all of their committee to moan and complain and argue, and then decided to try and do something about Goodricke. This proved futile, as groups of accommodation blocks throughout the two colleges began to declare themselves separate and positioned gunmen across the high windows to stop anyone from crossing, turning the wind tunnel into more of a no man's land. Piazza’s stance still remains unknown. Harry Clay

Don't Join the Zoom Call Tomorrow

Harry 'Future Child Model' Clay

Email the lemonpresseditor@gmail.com

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A good satirist can write three jokes a minute, in any weather

The Spinning Chair talks: Life Without Lamberts For the first time in the history of the University of York, The Lemon Press can offer a glimpse inside Heslington Hall like it’s never been seen before. By kidnapping Michael Cockerell, we’ve been able to secure an interview with the most senior member of the University still present after the departure of former Vice Chancellor Professor Koen Lamberts, the ‘chair of the board’... his chair. ‘So chair, this is the first time that anyone has had such a candid interview before. Official Hes Hall documentation suggests you’ve held a minor role, but rumours and insider stories have suggested that under Lamberts you massively expanded your power base and financial takeaway. Would you care to comment on that?’ *The chair does not move* ‘So with that in mind, the two of you working very closely making it through quite a few moments that must have been touch and go, it must have been a shock to the system when Koen decided to leave. Did he refuse to take you to Sheffield, or did you choose to stay?’ *The chair begins to turn slightly* ‘Well there was clearly a power vacuum after he left, and it sounds like the move to semesterisation was pushed heavily in that time, was that your doing?’ *The chair stops turning* ‘So Charlie Jeffery, the new guy, big portfolio from his work up in Edinburgh and a lot of differences. Humanities background instead of STEM, work in the public sector and a CBE rather than burying into the academic work, it must have been a big change of pace. What differences or challenges have you faced in the new administration that you weren’t expecting?’ *This could be a photograph of a chair* ‘Well I think my time is coming to a close, so one last thing before I leave. What’s next for the University of York?’ *The chair begins to rotate rapidly, propelling itself into the air, and then out of the room* Hard Investigative Journalism by Harry Clay

The Brain Tickling Teaser for this Issue: Is Prince Philip Really Alive? Alive or dead, everything he stood for will live on through his children, in equal measures. Dan Bennett ‐ Gavelkind Advocate Nah he's hooked up to one of those Disneyland style animatronics. Digi-Philip will be king one day. Chay Quinn ‐ 'Journalist' You can't kill a god. Tom Holderness ‐ York Vision Deputy Dogsbody Tune in at 8am to ﬁnd out. Chess Warren ‐ URY Station Manager Dogsbody

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So here's the deal, and it'll blow your fucking mind. Prince Philip right, isn't really Prince Philip at all. It's Alexie Nikolaevich. The reds never really killed him, he must have escaped. Alexie kept bleeding right? Well Philip keeps having those mysterious 'red sweats' that he blames on the war, but really its haemophilia. You can tell because the saggy skin is all ﬂakey and rotting because there should be blood between the skin and the bones. Then there's the fact, and this is a biggie, about his mysterious birth and childhood. Nobody really knows where he comes from or who is parents are right? Well that's because he's Alexie Nikolaevich. He obviously escaped the red army and headed west, before stopping in Greece. You think Alice was really related to her? Not at all mate. Harry Clay ‐ Recently Deceased

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Foreplay??? Two can play at that game

DEADLINE HEADLINES Harry Clay keeps you informed by reading the nation's top news stories so you don't have to bother.

There's actually a lesser known follow up to the Magna Carta called the Carta Maior or Greater Charter. This document enshrines everyone's right to be racially proﬁled, puts in place legal protection for islama and trans phobias, and crucially, the right for secession from any future union is speciﬁcally banned.

Healthcare workers unions have been pleading with Chancellor Rishi Sunak for four months now to take a 1% monthly payrise in efforts to protect his status as the wealthiest MP. The Treasury is yet to conﬁrm whether the annual MP blood drain will be taking place as schedueled this year.

New UK press guidance has encouraged all publications to begin using the term 'variants' instead of the term 'immigrant' in a move to add more distance between the brains of Britain, and any humanity that might be lurking in there as well. This news conﬁrms the widely anticipated construction of the Great British sea barrier, designed to prevent any foreign individual or Icelandic shipping vessel from entering within British waters.

The legal entity formally known as Lorraine Kelly shares all about how her, and her legally seperated personality felt hugely contrasting views on the Dunblane massacre. We won't tell you which side thought what for the sake of decency, but boy oh boy is there some strong language in this one.

She has quite a few really. For a bloke with little to no knowledge I'm really taken back by the variety of colours going on. I don't think the doormen heard me smash the window, so if I go further through the closet, yes, there's quite a decent stylistic range as well. Wait, what's this, a note listing how she's going to pick on the Queen? Fucking hell lads.

You can find very little there

Oh god do you know? I've been stuck reading the news for weeks now. I only wanted to grab a few headlines and this arm came out of my screen and dragged me in I think I'm stuck on the internet. Fuck, it's digi-Peston again, watch out or he'll get the readers to do a run on you, you've gotta get me out of here man

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Shag, Marry, Avoid: Hands, Face, Space

Paedophiles Dressed up as Schools Recognised as Essential Workers Paedophiles dressed up as schools have been added to the ever-increasing list of essential workers. In a statement, an ofﬁcial said, ‘No-one has been more determined to get children back in schools than paedophiles, their drive has been exemplary’. The Government’s unlocking roadmap includes a ‘big bang’ return for students which was lobbied for extensively by paedophiles. According to Gavin Williamson, children will return to a COVID-safe environment but other issues have now been on parent’s mind. Reynard

Brutus 'Hides his ambition well' Roman Senator Brutus apparently has ambitions to lead the Roman Republic, despite friends saying that he has hidden his ambitions well. Theories on where he has hid his ambition includes behind the knife, or behind the people holding knives. It is expected Brutus may have to wait, as Ceaser currently intends to be a two term dictator. Other ﬁgures who hide their ambition well include Henry Tudor, Napoleon, Sheev Palpatine, and Rishi Sunak

The Lemon Press’ Road to Freedom

March 8th - Schools are to return to teaching, but only lessons that involve close physical contact and a lot of heavy breathing. P.E. will be indoors only, preferably in as small and windowless a room as possible. Schools that break this rule could be subject to penalties. Those in care homes are to share medicines, as well as beds, nurses and attendants, and blood. Social distancing will be enforced with the introduction of police marksmen in all public parks and town centres. March 29th - People will be allowed to meet outdoors in Greg’s Place, but only on the grassy bits, or those bits with the rocks down the side. Universities will introduce a half term holiday, in which they will arbitrarily pick a week to remove all teaching and services they provide to keep students on their toes. The rule of six will be reintroduced, meaning if you are caught in a home with fewer than six people, you could be subject to penalties. Marksmen to be replaced with Royal Gurkha Riﬂes, who will have all their pay cut. April 12th - Care home restrictions will end, and all care homes across the country will be closed. Any former residents caught trying to stay in the homes of friends or relatives could be subject to penalties. Travel between towns and cities older than 2000 years will be permitted, but only by Roman roads and roman transportation methods. This restriction won’t apply in Scotland however, in which all roads are to be replaced with a single motorway going directly into the North Sea. Businesses will be allowed to open and operate fully, so long as they provide no beneﬁt to society other than

financial interests, and all staff are unaware about whether or not everyone else is vaccinated. Weddings, funerals, and awkward extended family gatherings are now compulsory. Gurkha Rifles to be replaced with Royal Artillery regiments. May 17th - Rule of six to be expanded to rule of 30 in order to help landlords who fill houses full of undocumented migrants. The measure will be carried out with some of our European partners in order to protect their North Korean labour forces. Schools will open in full, but only take children from outside their catchment areas, and disused care homes are to be turned into workhouses to create Victorian-era employment opportunities for school-less children and home-less old people. Those who do not take up such work opportunities can and will be subject to penalties. Indoor venues that typical people use such as the Opera houses or Kensington Palace are to be opened, and will charge half their normal rates so long as you have access to the rooftop bar in Parliament. Artillery to be replaced with strategic Trident missile placements. June 21st - All restrictions are to be reintroduced in their fullest and harshest way, with the exception of people who steal takeaways from their neighbours, computer component scalpers, the people at G2A, the senior directors of British Petroleum, and Paul Kagame. If you are not one of the above, you will be subject to nuclear strike, and could be subject to penalties. Harry Clay

Chris Small Harry Clay 13

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I love the smell of not having Covid symptoms in the morning

Independent Republic of Mike Graham Condemned by UN Security Council In a 12-0-2 vote today, the United Nations Security Council has agreed to a motion condemning the actions of TalkRadio’s Independent Republic of Mike Graham. The motion is critical of a wide number of practices, including unoriginality, looking like an inflamed sprouting potato, and constantly repeating that bit where he rips up papers which he 100% stole from TLP’s hit radio show Misinfo Wars. Each of these was resolved to be contrary to the UN charter, specifically the bits preventing ‘untold sorrow to mankind’ and reaffirming ‘the dignity and worth of the human person’. The motion found rare unanimous and immediate support across the P5 with each delegation speaking in favour of the motion at length, although the representatives for Vietnam and Tunisia abstained. In unrelated news, Mike Graham has recently purchased holiday homes in Tunis and Ho Chi Minh City. A Truth and Reconciliation Committee is reportedly in the works to try and establish why Graham hates paedophiles but invites Rod Liddle on, hates the metropolitan elite but spent his working life in the press in New York and London, and why he looks like an inflamed sprouting potato. The committee won’t have any power to initiate any binding actions, but should provide the vital truths that will help so many innocent people who have had the horror of accidentally tuning into one of his shows. UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres commented ‘fuck him, fuck that guy’. Harry Clay

Month of March Cancelled in Honour of Captain Tom Moore The newly established Ministry for Culture War has announced that the month of March will be renamed in honour of Captain Tom Moore. The spokesperson, one Mr H. Tarwood, said 'It is deeply offensive to have a month named 'March' when that is the one thing Captain Sir Tom Moore QC KMG GCMG can no longer do'. Political commentator Dr Booh t'Licker also spoke exclusively to The Lemon Press, saying 'Given that Sir Tom rose to fame last year precisely for marching around his garden, it is wholly right that the Government should order this change. Otherwise, we'd have seen gangs of radical anti-Military pro-Coronavirus

Leftists (hastag Follow Back Pro COVID on Twitter) constantly reminding us it's March to rub Sir Tom's death in all our faces. Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said that, while he was not in favour of renaming months in general, he would order Labour MPs to abstain because he's scared of the nasty men in government making him look bad. Liberal Democrat leader Jo Swin- no, Nick Cle- no, Vince Cable? said that he was fully in favour of naming months and suggested naming one Ed Davey in the hopes that people might remember the Lib Dems exist. Alex Howarth

Johnson Travels Back in Time to Make Sure We End up in this Timeline While rejecting demands for an inquiry into the government’s handling of the pandemic, Johnson revealed to The Lemon Press that he’d ‘do it all again’. When pressed, Johnson went even further, pledging that he would go back in time and ensure the government responded in exactly the same way. He’d risk creating a time paradox or a ﬁlm like Tenet if it meant he could ensure there were exactly three lockdowns and medical workers using bin bags as PPE. A spokesperson commented that ’we played a blinder here lads, no need for an investigation unless it's an investigation into how well we played this beauty.' If he had to change one thing, what would it be? He’d shake those Covid patients’ hands all the ﬁrmer. Will Rowan

I don't know how to link that

In Conversation with my mate: Student Running for Council Tony Poshgit HC: So Tony, how is it being a student these days, in a society in which people who hold really normal typical slightly right wing beliefs are spurned like rabid dogs? TP: Well it’s bad, I mean it’s real bad. See, I get up in a morning, and I’m cancelled at breakfast. Go to my lectures, cancelled there. Lunch at Courtyard, cancelled at payment. Back to my flat, cancelled in the flat, cancelled by the flat, and cancelled online when I pay for the flat. It’s a tough life, and all because of our right wing views right? I mean, they say it doesn’t have anything to do with my position on market economies or lowering taxation, but its to do with some of my other views right and that’s not fair. HC: Yes, well answered. And very charming if I may add. Now you’re running for council of bumfuck nowhere land, and even though students have ran for council in York, and ran for Parliament, please tell me why you matter? TP: Well it’s the immense feeling of self importance right? And living in a social vacuum. At the end of the day, I just firmly believe that I matter more than other people right? And so I’ll take that attitude with me to the polls, and be parachuted into a forum that actually has no power, but could start an empty, soul draining political career, all helped by attention I’m being given by people who won’t criticise me. HC: Phenomenal. For one final question, what would you say to other students who are interested in getting involved in politics at University? TP: Stay the fuck away from my seats you cunts. Harry Clay

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Covid: The VR outofbody antibody experience

REAL NEWS STORY ACTUAL NEWS CONTAINED WITHIN READ IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING NEW ABOUT THE WORLD The dwindling Turning Point York branch, now internally considered to be York, Leeds, and basically anywhere else, have had members leave their internal group chats for talking about QAnon and Enoch Powell. Jack Ross, COO and ever more the face of a lot of their content made it clear to that individual, and others in their chat, that such an action breaks the code of conduct members sign up to when joining, and that it’s ‘conspiracy theory rubbish’. He clariﬁes completely that they ‘will not have any Q supporters as members’, and that they have a ‘zero tolerance policy’. Ross may ﬁnd it interesting then to be prompted that the launch of Turning Point UK was hosted by John Mappin, owner of Camelot Castle, a supporter of L. Ron. Hubbard's ‘spiritual technologies’, and errr a big Q supporter. So much

of a supporter that Mappin ﬂew a ﬂag with a Q on it only a year ago. Clearly this would never phase Ross, or anyone else internally, who as far as we can tell have never denounced Mappin. Further than that, last summer Turning Point hosted Mappin for a talk for its internal members, of which The Lemon Press has acquired the transcript of. Mappin very lovingly plugged Camelot Castle, of which you can cough up a small fortune to stay at, Camelot TV his regular broadcasting output, and describes Joe Biden as ‘fucking demented’. He also said that he wouldn’t be surprised if the Democrats ‘attempt assassination’ or attempt ‘a dirty nuke over Washington’, but helpfully adds that he wouldn’t discuss such things in an open forum.

So why hasn’t Ross or any other major player done anything about him? Well the journalist notable only for being cucked by Boris Johnson, Harry Cole, described Mappin as the ‘leading fundraiser’ for TPUK. TLP suggests that it COULD be possible that Ross’s judgement is impaired and wouldn’t want to risk the massive backing mad millionaires supply that TPUK requires to remain relevant. For now though, York members of Turning Point live under the free speech tyranny of not being able to voice opinions shared by their wealthy backers. That would be until the end of this term, at which point because they still haven't handed in any ratiﬁcation documentation, they will be deratiﬁed from YUSU. Harry Clay

York Roman Quarter Plan Goes Ahead The York renovation project designed to take a plank with a nail in it to York’s nightlife has actually been given the go ahead despite dozens of newspaper records and a council vote suggesting that the plan would be scrapped. This comes as The Lemon Press is again the greatest and most accurate media outlet that tells the truths most people can never comprehend. The plans actually consist of demolishing the north west part of town, and rebuilding it as it was during the Italian occupation of Britain in the early AD’s. York train station will be repurposed as a chariot workshop, the Aviva York building will be turned into a barracks for the returning Roman army, and most buildings on Lendal will be knocked down and turned into salt storage depots, to pay for said army. Residents can expect exciting changes directly to their lives as well, as everyone living north of Via Bridge and west of the Minster can anticipate living under thatched roofs, mass arranged marriages, an increase in childbirth related deaths, and the reintroduction of slavery. For those outside the home, work can be found in the construction of the new Yew Tree aqueduct [that’s an Eboracum joke and not a nonce joke right? -Eds] or joining in a secret Brigantian revolt. To expand historical knowledge to the city, the University of York has offered to alter its series of programs to include Latin, chariot racing, and military strategy, while York St. John has announced its closure, stating that such requirements would be too advanced for it to cope with. York councillors are set to be made mini governors, until the population rises up and kills them all in a ﬁt of freeing and righteous mob justice. Harry Clay 15

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Angela Rayner can’t hear Expenses Criticism because she’s Wearing Airpods The Labour Deputy Leader, Angela Rayner, remains unaware of any of the controversy around her expenses claim for some Apple Airpods. A spokesperson for her ofﬁce said ‘The British tabloid press is Coming! Oh My God she Has AirPods In, She can’t hear us!’' Meanwhile Matt Hancock has paid £200 Million for his postie to supply him with Airpods Chris Small

Government Announce Staggered Return for Schoolchildren’s Teachers to ICUs

As COVID rages across England, the government have revealed that schoolchildren’s teachers will face a staggered return to bursting intensive care units nationwide. The government’s plan is very clear. From April 11, secondary students will return to schools. From April 18, their relatives and teachers will have a staggered rate of infection. From April 25, these same relatives and teachers will have a staggered return to their local hospitals, ventilators, and intensive care units. A government spokesperson said ‘these robust measures are being put into place to give parent’s, relatives, and teachers an extra week to make plans. Plans for what? Don’t ask me.’ Will Rowan

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Online Learning to move from Zoom to Club Penguin; servers more stable

Prince Philip helicoptered out of Saigon

Palace Feud to be Resolved in The Octagon

It has been revealed that the ‘heart condition’ and ‘infection’ has been a cover story for the Duke of Edinburgh who put himself on a one man mission against ‘Charlie’. What the Duke actually achieved was a small trafﬁc collision, followed by a larger trafﬁc collision, before NATO stepped in to helicopter him out of Ho Chi Minh City. Prince Philip landed on the American aircraft carrier USS Okinawa which he insisted on driving and then proceeded to crash into another ship whilst not wearing his seatbelt. The British press has commented on the incident, saying that it is disrespectful for Harry and Meghan to be breathing, whilst Prince Philip is doing Prince Philip things. Chris Small

After months of escalating tensions, the ongoing spat between Buckingham Palace and Frogmore is expected to come to an end in the only way that the upper classes know: with an extreme and spectacular display of violence. In an extremely verbose 300-page joint statement, HM The Queen and HRH The Duke & Duchess of Sussex announced that a bout will be held between the Duke of Edinburgh and Meghan Markle to determine the future role of the Royal Family. The match harkens back to the days of yore, when knights would fight for their honour in duels, although such matches rarely had consequences quite so dramatic. The match is to be officiated by a disinterested and uninteresting party, Prince Edward The Earl of Wessex, and is to follow standard UFC rules of no biting and no eye-gouging, although it is not clear how closely these will be followed. Regardless of the outcome of the bout, the Royal Family is expected to make a fortune as millions of Commonwealth citizens tune in to the pay-per-view event. Said one insider: 'bloodsport has always been a part of the family history'. Said another: 'it’s refreshing to see the Royals appealing to a wider audience of 14 year-olds addicted to Monster Energy'. The nonagenarian’s navy training and recent cybernetic implants (the cause of his mysterious hospital stay) are expected to massively beat out Markle’s youth and inexperience. It is understood that this may not the first time that Prince Philip causes the death of one of Harry’s close relatives. Tom Holderness

Queen Shot, Prince Philip Recovering Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip were shot yesterday. Royal ofﬁcials delivered the news to surprisingly wild jubilation from some quarters in both the UK and Ireland. Prince Charles heralded the ‘great news for the country’, saying ‘it gives me hope myself’. Matt Hancock promised that he was on target to have all over 70s shot by February 15 thanks to the help of Britain’s armed forces. Will Rowan

UoY Brexit Campus Announced Following the announcement of a new Europe Campus in Greece, the University has also announced a brand new Brexit Campus to be situated in Kent. It's part of a partnership with a local Little Chef service station and a lorry park that will welcome 'as many students as we want' from January 2021. Students will be able to enrol on degree programs such as PEP, eSports, and Brexit Studies. The cleaning cupboard is to be converted into a library, offering students the chance to keep up to date with T*m H**UwU**d's latest 'research'. The Brexit Campus promises to be a home away from home, a Little England in England. A University spokesperson said 'no matter the outcome of Brexit negotiations, we are fully prepared.' Will Rowan

Germany Approves Vaccine for Over‐65s; Signs 'Vaccine Guilt Clause' The Allies today demanded that Germany sign a peace treaty admitting its guilt for starting the First Vaccine War in order to gain access to the Oxford vaccine after an embarrassing climbdown. Under Article 231 of the Treaty of AstraVersailles, Germany admits full fault for the decision to ban use of the vaccine on over-65s, and this clause is used to justify further draconian

And I refuse to link that

measures imposed on Germany. Other parts of the Treaty oblige Germany to limit its medical force to 100,000 and remove them all from the Rhineland; give over large amounts of its vaccine stockpile to Poland and Czechoslovakia; and buy 6.6bn vaccine doses from Britain to stimulate the British economy. Alex Howarth

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We fought the YUSU and [censored]

Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse to Remain Open after £500,000 Affordable Housing Plan Scrapped The Disney World Planning Committee last night refused planning permission for the Roman Quarter redevelopment on Goofier Street, meaning that Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse is no longer under immediate threat of closure. The project would have included the creation of a new Roman-themed visitor attraction, and an extensive two-year archaeological dig. It was supported by prominent figures including former Chancellor of the University of York, Greg Dyke, and Horrible Histories author Terry Deary, as well as local business groups. Representatives of the Florida Archeological Trust, speaking at the meeting, said that the project would have brought over 500,000 visitors each year, and compared favourably with other attractions nationally and internationally. However, objections were raised by some members of the public and councillors on the impact of the development on the park’s skyline and conservation area, as well as the appearance of the building. The Committee voted 11-3 to reject the plans, against the advice of Council officers, after over four hours of discussion, because of the perceived harm to Disney World’s historic conservation area and heritage. Redevelopment work would have involved the demolition of Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse, one of the last remaining nightclubs in Disney World following the closures of the Magic Kingdom, Disney's Grand Californian Hotel & Spa, and Disney's Paradise Pier Hotel last year. One Disney employee told The Lemon Press that the proposed closure of Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse would have been 'another hit to Disney World nightlife, and yet again would have had an impact on the tourist experience that so many feel has been taken away from them by the pandemic.' The development’s location, directly next to Marvel Super Hero Island and across the road from Pirates of the Caribbean, had raised concerns around the future of these venues, but they look set to avoid fears of closure for now. Mickey Mouse told The Lemon Press that 'tourists are central to Disney World’s post-Covid recovery and as restrictions are lifted over the next few months, it is vital that we work with independent venues, like Universal Studios, as well as the multiple venues around Goofier Street, such as Marvel Super Hero Island, Pirates of the Caribbean and Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse, in collaboration with Disney World Council, to ensure we can protect the very best of our city’s night time economy.' A spokesperson for North Star, the project’s developer, has told The Lemon Press that while they are 'naturally very disappointed' by the results of the Planning Committee meeting, they 'are now considering all our options', and 'remain committed to the site'. Alex “Not Matt Ward‐Perkins” Towells

Mr Tumble Arrested on Terrorism Charges When the Lord of the Rings-style hoard of Trump supporters besieged the Capitol Building in early January, many faces from the event became famous across social media. One such character was the bare-chested ‘Viking’ who was mistaken for the singer, Jay Kay. But now The Lemon Press can reveal that yet another celebrity is accused of participating in the chaos. Beloved children’s television star, Mr Tumble, has been arrested for taking part in the siege. A man matching Mr Tumble’s description was seen inciting rioters, storming the Capitol Building, and assaulting the police ofﬁcers tasked with keeping the rogue CBeebies presenter from getting inside. His bright blue waistcoat apparently acted as a beacon for others who, when inside, followed him around, smashed windows, threw chairs, and generally desecrated the sacred halls of American democracy. The photographic evidence that circulated on social media was enough for him to be identiﬁed, and for the authorities to be alerted. Mr Tumble was, after a physical skirmish with the police, arrested with terrorism charges now looming over his brightly painted head. His colleagues, Charlie and Lola, have refused to comment. James Rhodes

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Pictured: Mr Tumble, 87, being arrested and taken to court wearing a disguise. The star was caught after uploading footage of himself in Cruz' Office to his premium OnlyFans

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Selling: one kidney for spares and repairs

Wishes the Make a Wish Foundation Refused To Do Charlie, age 8 : To Kill John Cena It’s well known that the foundation took the decision to ban any form of hunting in their wishes years ago, but what is more important is the fact that John Cena is the most sought after wish, with a reported over 650 kids asking to meet him. Charlie here would be breaking company policy, and killing one of its biggest public image tools. Jessica, age 15 : A degree in Politics Jess always had a keen interest in politics from a young age, running in mock elections and helping to campaign for causes she supported. She would have no doubt gone on to study politics, but won’t be able to. Unfortunately, allowing such a wish would help to water down the value of a proper qualiﬁcation from a top class university. Alice, age 10 : A Pony Clearly not thinking this one through, I mean, this kid might enjoy the horse for a bit, but what’s the lifespan on that. And what I mean of course is what is the lifespan of the kid, because then the parents are probably lumbered with a horse that they don’t care about, and it’ll be off to the glue and mince factory within a week. Come on Alice, think of someone other than yourself. Toby, age 3 : World Peace Hah, don’t be silly Richard, age 62 - President of the Make a Wish Foundation : An increase in the ﬁnancial rating of the Make a Wish Foundation I mean, I guess he had a good motive right? Harry Clay

BBC Build 100,000 Seater Stadium to Visualise COVID Deaths Large sections of Hyde Park were concreted over yesterday to make room for the new 100,000 seater stadium to be used by the BBC, in order to create stark visualisations of how many COVID deaths there have been. Emily Nailis said ‘the real tragedy with crossing the 100,000 threshold is that, well, nobody has ever really seen that many people at once. That’s why the Moore De Pfieffel Stadium is being built, after the heroes of the pandemic. Unfortunately, there is no way to fill the stadium with people yet, so every seat had to be filled by a spare Mr Blobby costume. It’s really striking to see all those Blobby’s staring back at you, really makes you think ‘it’s a shame there’s no way we could’ve prevented this’.' The stadium also has retractable seating rows so more can be drawn out as the daily totals come in, before being slowly pushed back in as the 2024 election gets closer. Daniel Bennett

For 'journalism reasons', honest

Minutes From SocialEyes’ 2021 AGM SocialEyes are a nonnonprofit organisation of 500 British leftleaning influencers, meeting annually to dictate the upcoming years tweets. Minutes of last year’s AGM were approved, with one member remarking how sad it was that the three hours spent drafting Giant Asian Hornet jokes had been wasted, and that the plan to do 'a sponsored livestream to help Wuhan' may have been too small in scale. The agenda turned to the social media strategy for Q1 2021. The idea to ride the wave of vaccine hype and ridicule anti-vaxxers with ‘fun new memes’ was popular, however one member brought up the global vaccine shortage. The group agreed that the lack of vaccines in poorer countries due to 1st-world resource hoarding was inconvenient and may reduce retweets if the anger grew large enough. The group acknowledged that any redistribution caused by a successful awareness campaign may reduce vaccines available to themselves, so alternatives were asked for. One member suggested sucking the antibodies out of Rupert Murdoch’s blood, but these plans were shelved due to a mile-long queue already along Downing Street to suck him dry. The group instead planned for a three-level campaign; Level 1 (Now) - Any mention of the crisis is contained to Guardian freelance pieces. Level 2 (Mid March) - Jeremy Corbyn talks about it on an obscure Welsh website. Level 3 (SocialEyes’ parents have been vaccinated) - Full campaign begins. The group agreed Level 3 would be carried out as usual, beginning with a flurry of semi-serious tweets before a full weeklong campaign of Instagram story petitions. A member asked if the campaign could mention the economic and mental health impacts COVID placed on these already-strained countries, however overall the group agreed that such issues ‘tend to take the fun out of fundraising, and nobody wants to be a Debbie Draiser'. The chair was asked for an update on Bono ahead of the inevitable ‘Band Aid N+1 for COVID’. The Chair said he had been ‘locked away but was doing well now, albeit after spending a month writing nothing but Thank God It’s Them Instead of You in his own blood’. The meeting concluded with two hours of discussion on Labour’s Brexit position, adjourning after Owen Jones threw Ian Dunt out of a window. Daniel Bennett

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Protected by free speech and general apathy

Lockdown’s Nearly Over, Better Finish Being a Better Person

Here’s my Prediction of what Months will Happen, When, and in What Order in 2022

With the end of this edition of lockdown in sight, it’s time to start thinking about what you’re going to say you’ve been doing all this time. Picture the scene. You’re in a quiet local restaurant (you goddamn hero) with all the people you think are still your friends, but who you haven’t spoken to in over six months. Linda’s got a very successful bonsai tree, Mark’s both absolutely ripped and strangely in touch with his feelings. What’s your lockdown story?

First we’ll probably have January. I’m expecting a full month, all the weeks and just about all the days, probably a solid 31 dayer, but probably won’t actually start until three or four days into the year. Then February, but as we know the positioning of the new Mars rover will affect Martian gravity enough to work along with Venus to compress February into only 20 days, and then as we move out of winter, March could be up to double its normal length, that is if there isn’t a cheeky little Maruary slipped in between.

You can’t say the only thing you’ve gotten out of the pandemic is depression and weight. You need to impress them. They’re already looking to trim the fat off this friendship group and it’s not looking good for you. You’ve got until about April (probably) to improve yourself as a human being and you need to get on it now. Start a hobby, have children, invade a third world nation and establish a new state under your direct control. I don’t care what it is, you just need to do something for Gods sake. I’m getting depressed just thinking about all the things you haven’t done. For the love of God think of Captain Tom! Look, all I’m saying is you’ve got two options. You either live your best life (and it better be your best) or you shut up and never go outside again. It’s up to you. Matt Higgins

Trading Tips With Reynard After the month-long coma induced by my play-through of Democracy Manifest XXX, I found myself in unfamiliar surroundings. I was still in my bunker surrounded by used tissues and copies of Dark Souls, but there was something different. I was feeling something I hadn’t felt since I saw the Dalmatians in 1000 Dalmatians and Bambi in Bambi. I rearranged my crotch like I was snapping a neck and logged into my RobinHood account. I’d been following GameStop for some time. There’s nothing that gets this engine purring like the death of American retail and I was ticking over in early December. I put my money where my mouth is, which happens to be where my ass is, which is in Coventry, and got to work. The ﬁrst few weeks were tedious, pounding away at my phone’s refresh rate and begging for the sweet nectar of ﬁscal redemption. Just when I least expected it, the stock soared. 5 dollars, 10 dollars, 50 dollars. GAMEFUCKERS! Men who have sex with games. I lost everything two weeks later. Reynard

Lifestyle

May will as expected be coming before April in 2022, but June has been surprisingly placed with a three day mourning period for the years lost and damned souls. July will be spelt Gewlie, and should be of normal length, but the 10’s will happen after the 20’s just to mess with people's birthdays. August will be divided into three months, the other two being called Antony and Lepidus, but odds are one of those will leave and the others will ﬁght it out for the rest of the time. September, October, November, and December are all to be categorised as the ‘number months’, and it will be illegal to distinguish between them. Harry Clay

Top 5 Tips to Help you Get your Security Deposit Back 1. Got any pesky marks on the wall from blue-tac? Instead of losing your deposit or forking out for real repairs, opt for the organic DIY alternative of Cum™. Just paint over any marks or peeled paint with your own cum or that of a friend or relative for a cheap easy ﬁx. If it looks a bit patchy, just keep adding more cum to your walls and your landlord won’t know the difference. 2. Shoot your Landlord. Embrace your inner Mao. Landlords are leeches and deserve to be shot. Just don’t do it on the carpet because that’ll cost a fortune to clean. 3. Secretly dispose of the body. Cadaver dogs will be able to sniff it out easily 6ft under, so bury the body 10ft under and then a dead animal at 6ft as a decoy. 4. Don’t answer any questions without your lawyer present. You hardly knew your landlord, you weren’t friends. You have no idea where he’s gone or why his family hasn’t heard from him in weeks. 5. Never tell a soul. Not even your wife. She can’t be trusted. Never speak of this again. Beth Hubbard

You can join for only £5

COVID19: York’s most famous alumnus?

Four Ways To Relax Productively Jazz Dance Breaks - In those five minute breaks between study hours, have you ever found yourself wanting to do more? Well then why not spend those 300 wasted seconds dancing? You can learn a new skill, burn SO many calories (17) and if you manage to bang out a flawless routine it can be fun! Make sure to get those jazz hands in to stop your wrists seizing up between sessions! If you must go, you can incorporate the jazz into the bathroom break or coffee making, just keep those hands ashaking! Foreign Language Meditation - Meditation has always been a great way to give your mind a quick break and escape your thoughts. But did you know you can get all the benefits of relaxing your mind while also broadening it by listening to meditation tapes in other languages? Just keep one eye open and flick through a translation dictionary as the tape soothes you. Before long you’ll be able to calm down people in any country (just make sure you memorise the word for ‘breathe’ beforehand!) Tidy Intercourse - We've all been there, you've got a cute hookup coming round at 9 but it's 8:55 and you've only just finished set 15a of flashcards. How are you going to get your room tidy for that lucky someone? By tidying up while doing it, of course! Do it up high and dust, get down low and hoover, and kick them out the second it's done. You get to keep a neat bedspread, they get to be kept at arm's length like all the others. It's a win-win! Cook - Sometimes the simplest ways are the best, so leave your books and laptop in your room and get in the kitchen. It’s been a tough year, so treat yourself to your favourite meal, but make sure to note it as a cheat day, but remember that there’s no such thing as a cheat day and you should eat what you want, as long as it balances the five food groups, but add more protein if it’s the bulking season window, as long as it is a meat-free source, but do your research to make sure the meat-free source does not cause more pollution than actual meat, and make sure you serve it so every component is visible on the photo, but don’t make it look obvious that’s what you’re doing, and voila! A tasty relaxing evening to ease you into the late night hustle. Dan Bennett

Introducing: The Body Pose‐ativity Machine! ‘Our youth population today are in the midst of a crisis. The thing about social media today is that millions of young people are feeling awful about their own body due to the ability of a few hundred influencers to contort themselves to flattering poses. So, we have decided to bring the gift of posing to the masses! All you have to do is pick the photo you want to copy, and our 6-foot tall cage of 50,000 pins will do its best to push your body into that shape. Now you can take that killer selfie you’ve been needing, or use the ‘superglue’ setting to let you take that newly brought confidence onto the street! ‘For just £50,000 and 10 minutes a day of prodding, you too can love your body’s ability to arch at the waist! We have created a smart AI Intelligence to read any image and push you right into shape. Just make sure there’s no dog in the photo, you don’t want to end up like Jasmine ‘Irreparable Furry Leg Lump’ Ashcroft! ‘But of course it is not just posing, lighting also plays a key part, which is why we are giving you the ‘deluxe' option to inject yourself with radiation! Give yourself that healthy glow from healthy natural sources (uranium) for a healthy boost. For men we are also offering the ‘Bee Sting’ option to give you the boost where you need it most! (bee food not included.) Each machine also includes a little straw hole to let you drink the latest detoxifying no-sugar no-fat no-carbs no-protein literallyjust-shredded-broccoli smoothie!’ Call Now, or find the link on any influencer’s story! Dan Bennett

Just put the money in the 'new car' jar

How to Talk to an Anti‐Vaxxer about Vaccines Do you have friends or family who you’ve noticed have started saying things like 'what’s in the vaccine anyway?' or 'people call me stupid, but only after I was vaccinated as a child. Checkmate liberal'? It’s time to have the talk. The ﬁrst thing you’ll need is a gun. These guys could be dangerous and infected with host of preventable diseases and you need to protect yourself if things go wrong. The next step is to get them a room where you can talk to them. You could herd them in with ‘5G antenna’ or leave some bait such as misleading graphs. Once you’ve got them in the room, it’s time to get down to business. Facts don’t work on these people, there’s no point trying to talk. You’ve only got one option; vaccinate. Get yours hands on some vaccine. It doesn’t matter what for. Doesn’t even have to be a human one, just as long as it won’t kill them. You need to get that drug into that arm and prove there’s nothing to worry about. Once they’ve got the jab, they’re one of us and we call all ignore the dire state of the world that got you into this position in the ﬁrst place. So there you have it. Stick to this guide and you’ll be living in a utopian paradise before you know it. Goodnight, and good luck. Matt Higgins

Lifestyle

'I'm mad as hell and I'm not taking it anymore' vs. 'leaving for longterm employment'

Call of Duty defends inclusion of Captain Sir Tom Moore in latest Call of Duty DLC The makers of Call of Duty have defended their inclusion of the late Captain Sir Tom Moore in new DLC for its game. Sir Tom will feature in new a DLC pack for the popular “Nazi Zombies” mode of the game, set in Burma, where Sir Tom holidayed in the 1940s. Game developers describe Sir Tom’s in-game character as a great asset to any team, though play-testers admit that they often confuse Sir Tom’s character for a Nazi zombie... because he’s old. Activision, the company behind the hit video game series, denied claims that this would do a disservice to the late hero. 'Any player of Call of Duty would agree that we do our utmost to honour and respect those who fought in the Second World War,' the head of Activision insisted. While slow-moving and unable to go prone, the more Sir Tom runs (or stumbles) from zombies in pursuit, the more points other players earn to pay for their NHS Juggernog. Slack Jarvey

Nvidia Acquires all Actual Arms Following graphics card giant Nvidia’s recent acquisition of chip manufacturer ARM, boss and very cool man Jensen Huang has today announced the company’s acquisition of all actual human arms. The landmark purchase signals a new direction for the company and indeed for the human race. It’s unclear at this point what shape Nvidia’s ownership of your arm(s) will take, but industry analysts are looking toward Nvidia’s reasons for purchasing ARM for insight on what’s to come. Veteran arm-haver and industry analyst Armold Arm has spoken about the future of the limb in an interview with Arms Quarterly saying 'Nvidia purchased ARM semi-conductors so they didn’t have to pay to use ARM technologies in their products. It’s only logical to assume they’ve purchased arms for similar reasons. With this new purchase they can skip the user all together and have Nvidia arms interact with directly with Nvidia products.' The legal status of the deal has been called into question by leading human rights lawyers as well as most people. Nvidia responded by saying 'shut up nerd, we’ll get our arms to punch you in the dick lol'. At this point, the future for arm lovers looks bleak but hope may come from robot lawyers and those with prosthetic arms as it looks like the purchase only includes arms of a biological nature. The writer would like to thank Nvidia for the kind permission to use arms in the writing of this article. Matt Higgins

Shock as Video Game Fails to Solve All My Problems

The gaming and scientific communities have once again been left devastated by the realisation that CyberPunk 2077 will not solve all their problems. Lack of social interaction, some reddit-based radicalisation, and an underwhelming personality aren’t fixed by a single ‘groundbreaking game’ according to scientists. Back in 2016, some thought that No Man’s Sky would stop my wife’s boyfriend from cancelling my Netflix subscription but it happened all the same. Time and time again, gamers have pinned all their hopes on a revolution in gaming just to find that it turns out to be just another video game. It’s a personal tragedy in my case and my wife’s boyfriend reminds me about it every night. So what can we do about it? I started by ploughing all my savings into ships in Star Citizen. I remortgaged the house, all the local post officers, and my neighbour’s cat to bet it all and reap the rewards. Now all my real estate is virtual and the bailiffs are SWAT-ing every Twitch stream I organise. Am I actually being SWAT-ed? I usually can’t tell when my door is blown off its hinges and my viewers see my head pressed against my deck as I weep for the state of video games.

‘No One Really Knows What Nectar Points Are’ Say Scientists

Will Rowan

Stop the metaphorical press! Scientists at the University of Cambridge have just made a monumental breakthrough! After four years of ceaseless research, they have concluded that no one really knows what the hell Nectar points are or how they work. Nectar? As in like flowers? What the bloody hell has sticky plant residue got to do with saving me money on cornflakes? Is it like bitcoin? Why can I only use them in Sainsbury’s? I don’t even like Sainsbury’s! These were only a fraction of the questions facing scientists when the project began. But after four long years, thousands of purchases, and one global pandemic, it is clear that nobody has a bloody clue and never did. It’s possible that they were originally devised in order to scam the elderly but, like everything today, people stopped giving a shit after fifteen minutes – so we’ll never know for sure. James Rhodes 21

Science & Technology

Don't give the money to YUSU whatever you do

Crush the curve: Lola Bunny edition

Cyberpunk 2077 ‐ Five Things to know Before you Buy So you’re finally awake, and it’s finally here. The hotly anticipated FPS RPG from the critically acclaimed developers behind the Witcher series, Cyberpunk 2077 promises to revolutionise gaming like no game before has. But between cutting edge technology and the dawning of a new console era, it’s important that you know some of the new and unique features and details that could impact your playing of the game. So before you throw down the cash gauntlet and strap into a neon drenched adventure, check out some of the things we found on a deep dive of the game. 1. When starting the game, there’s a splash screen with a crudely drawn note begging for help for their family. This is from one of the many many employees of CD Projekt Red forced to work in gruelling crunch conditions on the run up to the games release to ensure it made it to your home before Christmas. If you don’t want to read the note (it’s quite sad really), don’t worry, holding down the start button will skip this and you can ignore the unfair work practices just like you always have. 2. Buying the PlayStation 4 or Xbox One versions of the game mean you have access to a pretty good version of Cyberpunk which will become completely irrelevant in maybe two or three months when the enhanced next gen version of the game launches with far better graphics and stability. I know like any other RPG fan, all you care about is how the game looks and performs, so just make sure you have another hundred or so pounds set aside to get the actual game once it properly launches. (PC players, don’t worry, you already have the disadvantage of having to live with yourselves.) 3. The story and characters of Night City are rich and varied, and all very annoying looking and sounding. If that’s an issue for you, clearly you don’t understand real Cyberpunk, and this game isn’t for you. Read Neuromancer seven times, accept that the Cyberpunk genre as gamers understand it is basically closer to Ready Player One than anything profound and eye opening, and get on with it. Sometimes when a game is this cutting edge, there ends up being a lot of EDGE left behind. 4. Speaking of Cyberpunk, the game is very buggy. This is obviously intentional as bugs and glitches are...uh...part of the genre? 5. You may have seen an article by Game Informer about how Cyberpunk 2077 can induce seizures due to a certain effect used in the game, and how there are no warnings or accessibility options regarding this. While this is abhorrent game design, this article was clearly not written by someone who has played the game properly, as they have not yet reached the story quest which fucking kills you in real life and burns down your house. This may seem harsh, but CDPR know that this type of hard hitting narrative decision will be remembered for years to come. And there you have it. Cyberpunk 2077 will launch on the 10th of December, will never really be finished, and this 'No Mans Sky meets Sword Art Online' failure was totally worth all of the annoying articles and overhyped marketing which have saturated video gaming for years. Now can we please focus on what matters and get around to remastering The Saboteur? Greg Waddell

Nintendo Apologies to Cats after Accusations of Cultural Appropriation in Super Mario 3D World

Following the February release of Super Mario 3D World, games giant Nintendo have come under ﬁre from the cat community, with accusations of cultural appropriation. The game features a ‘cat suit’ power up which sees the plumbers don a full cat costume and provides the ability to climb. Typical behaviour for tradesmen these days this writer says, but the global cat community has meowed foul play. 'Mario’s not a cat.' Commented Felix, prominent cat “He’s an Italian. Cats don’t go around making pasta and saying mamamia. Frankly, I’m hurt and I think the community is too.” Nintendo issued a statement on twitter in which they apologised to cats for all the offence caused, and offered 'some of those gourmet cat treats' as compensation. Matt Higgins

What The Brexit Deal Means for Gamers Listen up gamers, a new Brexit deal just dropped and we’re here to explain how it will affect you. Move those clothes off the chair to the other chair and get comfy. First things ﬁrst, tariff free trade with your mum’s boyfriend’s credit card and the FIFA point store has been preserved. Free movement between your gamer chair and your gamer sofa/bed/ clothes rack is allowed. The Lemon Press can exclusively conﬁrm your right to crawl to the mini fridge at 4am over the thundering clapping sound from above that those Astro A50s. More as we get it. Will Rowan

They'll spend it on student activities or something

Science & Technology

Online Learning to move from Zoom to Club Penguin; servers more stable

Review: The Crap on my Desk Function and art. Is there an overlap? I believe so. Huge bridges are art, or tunnels, or old trains with loads of cool looking moving parts. Utility and aesthetics are not opposed, and in my view, quite often, the greater the elegance in the utility, the greater the aesthetic value. With that in mind, I have committed myself to a full deep dive of the most functional, utilitarian space that I can think of, my desk. The most striking thing at first is probably the variety of empty plates and bowls, and indeed the variety of colours of food staining them. There are oranges, browns, greens, some smears, some puddles, some crumbs. If Pink Floyd had a dirty pots part of a live show, this would be it. The way the large plates support the small plate, which supports a microwave pot, which supports a bowl full of dirty spoons really says a lot about the socio-economic-political shifts we’re seeing ripples of in the CCP’s Belt and Road initiative, although it possibly says more about the distance between the desk and the kitchen. Moving off of plates, we move to other vessels for nourishment. The empty strawberry and lime Rekorderlig nicely contrasts the the two empty berries and cherries Old Mouts, although possibly reflecting the severe trade deficit between New Zealand and Sweden, where as the empty ice-cream pot (B&J’s Cookie Dough) more reflects the end of the US global political hegemony. To be honest though, all this political stuff is really too heavy for me, and the whole desk arrangement moves us away from that perfectly with the back shelving unit. One compartment for stationary, one for large objects, and the other currently serving as storage for empty PC fan boxes, the whole unit is brought together with a series of Lego builds across the top. Sort of a pastiche to Henry Moore’s work, it’s hard to tell what it all looks like, you don’t really know where one bit ends and the other begins, and I would happily dump it all in a field in North Yorkshire. Finally, there is the masterpiece of the computing set up. A cheap monitor, cheap speakers, cheap mouse and very cheap cardboard box monitor stand pairs beautifully with the mid-priced stolen microphone and the high-price birthday present keyboard. Really, if you hate all the other stuff, just be mesmerised by the RGB light patterns. Works for me. This, and the other pieces on offer are tastefully brought together by a series of random objects. A comb, keys, a gavel, a guitar capo, all essential objects telling of the mind behind the desk, and yet their placement revealing even more. The man is busy and has no time for real organisation, the man keeps mechanical objects close to keep his mind occupied for seminars, the man is me and I am the man. ‘Crap on a Desk’ can be viewed at Farrar Street, York. Tickets are £30 per person and non refundable. Opening hours vary based on when the owner wakes up and will let people in. Harry Clay

Daft Punk: Behind the Masks Pioneering Frenchmen and above-average disk jockeys 'Daft Punk' have ended their long careers of making bleep bloop noises in an emotional message to their dedicated fanbase of pretentious students and uh, pretentious graduates. But just who were the metallic musicians, the chrome composers, the disco droids? This question has never been deﬁnitively answered, yet a decade-long investigation by The Lemon Press has narrowed down the list of potential suspects who could be hiding inside the gold and silver suits: - Ant & Dec - Dick & Dom - Eric Trump & Donald Jr - Ian Brady & Myra Hindley - Thomas Bangalter & Koen Lamberts - Paul Chuckle & The Ghost of Barry Chuckle - Sonny & Cher - Merry Brandybuck and Pippin "that fool of a" Took - The McCanns - Nick Clegg & David Cameron - etc etc you get the joke by now Tom Holderness

EA Announces ‘Sims 4: Stanford Prison Experiment’ Expansion Pack For decades people have been torturing and tormenting their Sims. Finally, EA has decided to lean into their players' perversions by letting them be Zimbardo in their ﬁrst PEGI 18 Sims 4 DLC, the Stanford Prison Experiment Expansion Pack. The pack comes with prison-themed CAS and Build & Buy content, including a prisoner’s smock and guard uniforms. This pack will ﬁnally see bunk beds added to the game, long asked for by Sims players. It also comes with a bucket toilet (unemptiable) we aren’t sure yet whether this will be compatible with the

Arts

composting mechanic from Eco Lifestyle. Plenty of new interactions are also being added. Sims can now wake up other Sims with a whistle, and Sims with the guard trait have the ability to remove pool ladders while Prisoner sims are swimming. The pack is currently priced at £40 and your dignity - we are awaiting the release to see if the pack is worth it. Bethan Hubbard

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The Lemon Press: hitting you at that moment you think life can't get worse

Mystery Inc. solve the Disappearance of Madeleine McCann

Scooby and the gang went to The Ocean Club in Praia de Luz, Portugal for a holiday, when mysterious goings-on were reported by the staff and residents. The situation escalated when Steve Harwell was taken by a grifﬁn while the rest of Smash Mouth were getting tapas. Mystery Inc. took an approach that local and international police hadn't considered of hanging around the hotel at night with a large net set up, and then eating a comically

large sandwich. The grifﬁn chased them through the complex before being caught in their trap, where it was revealed to be Kate and Gerry McCann, operating the costume like a pantomime horse. “And we would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids and Steve Harwell's tasty goatee,” said Kate McCann. Harwell was later found, cannibalised, in one of the apartments. Bethan Hubbard

Fukuyama's 'End of History' exposed as marketing ploy to promote History sequel Embattled political theorist Francis Fukuyama has sensationally announced that his now much derided love letter to a neo-liberal thousand year reich, 'The End of History', was in fact, part of a carefully constructed hype scheme to promote the upcoming release of "History 2: The History Strikes Back". Fans of the popular "History" series will remember the cliffhanger ending of the breakup of the Soviet Union in 1991, and are excited to see what the franchise will do next, following it's explosive "Coronavirus" season premiere. "History is back baby!" said Fukuyama, to this reporter. "I can't say much obviously, but I can say, if you thought "History" was tragic, cruel and depressing, you're going to LOVE History 2!" Tom Davies

Alastair Campbell Writes Self‐Healing Book for Iraqi Teens Reformed Twitter inﬂuencer and tree blogger Alistair Campbell has announced a new book to help the grieving children of Iraq deal with the trauma of loss. In a televised press release, Campbell took to the stage naked screaming ‘Malcom Tucker would never do this, suck my dick Iannucci’ before receiving a standing ovation from Gary Lineker. This went on for several minutes before he continued. ‘I felt I had to write this as so many people in the modern day are suffering from losing loved ones to necessary land invasion, and it can be so hard for young men to talk about their feelings over the sound of shelling’. The majority of the book is made up of a touching story about a young boy named Blairan Tonty who overcame metaphorical shelling from the media, and despite these lows he persevered much like the children should, to achieve their dream of one day running a global think tank. The reader is also asked several lifereafﬁrming questions, like 'Why join the caliphate when you can learn to rollerskate?’ and ‘Would you honestly not feel safe going to school just because there are a few manned tanks outside’? The book also gives the reader handy tips on how to make Prozac from discarded MQ1 Predator Drone shells. Early reviews from Campbell’s friends and colleagues have been glowing, with one saying ‘we may not agree with everyone he has killed, but teaching these young adults to think positively towards the life of fun they can have avoiding a Biden Administration’s diverse drone strike team. Now these suffering children will be armed, not with weapons but with methods of how to make themself cry when confronted by Andrew Marr'. Daniel Bennett

We'll probably use it more

Arts

What is jam if not fruit preserving?

Well that was another bloody triumph wasn’t it? You may remember that in my July 2020 article that I mentioned in my September 2019 article that I mentioned in my May 2019 article that I mentioned in my October 2018 article that I mentioned in my ﬁrst October 2018 article that it feels like we have all been here before. Another month, another reported mass execution by the state, this time to remind all us good little boys and girls not to be a fortune teller. I personally think this quest to stop the rise of the soothsayers is all for nought, the fact that our telekinetic trio were caught, sentenced, and executed was evidence enough that they couldn't actually see the future in tea leaves; if they could they would’ve been vaulting over the DMZ fences the second their brew brewed. But much like the Misfortuned Tellers I was blown away, but instead of the bullets it was the breathtaking camera broadcast quality that slayed me. The Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un was there, clearly looking furious that he had to watch the bloodshed through his own cataracts-ruined eyes instead of through those 8k cameras he spent the entire year’s agriculture budget on. Alongside him (in the loosest possible terms) was his sister, Deputy Director Kim Yo-Jong, waiting several meters away in the wings for the Michelin Man Mussolini to die off like Prince Charles but with with slightly more subtle methods for getting rid of spouses. Last year I was with Kim-con-UN-Men when he took me for a tour of his favourite bars. I suppose it should have been a sign that the standing of his pub preferences directly correlated with how big the photo of him inside was, and that any other bar had burned down at the same time overnight, but there was something about his charm you just couldn’t look away from. Latest Leader of the Freedom Fighter Movement Star Keirmer released a message overnight to our nation, blisteringly dissecting Kimmy’s policy on imprisoning political prisoners and announced every rebel under his command would abstain from the parade celebrating the 10 millionth prisoner exterminated under his leadership. When I watched Rebel Keirmer’s speech repeated in full on Korean National Television, I think my sigh of

e latest column from our foreign branches. is week, Marina Hyde joins us from Nor Korea

relief could’ve been mistaken for a nuclear weapon test. Finally, an effective opposition, a new punk band to replace Pyongyang’s 4th Best Il Tribute Band. For so long we have had to listen to cover after cover of their untuned goth metal songs, while the replacement band spent four years blowing into a marrow and crying that the marrow wasn’t given to them free by the state. Some people blame me for Fanta Clauses’ defeat in 2019, somehow completely missing how he failed to deal with the state-owned media. Any rebellion leader knows that you will have their journalists crawling through your bins looking for dirt, but VATweezle didn’t have to help them by sleeping 20 hours a day in the bin and refusing to clean, instead choosing to be licked clean by a litter of adorning pussies. Any other rebellion leader would be 20 blocks of Pyongyang ahead in the territory wars, and you think people like me really contributed to that? If you can’t handle the fire, maybe don’t question the state with the 1 million strong firing squad, bozo. The thing about Kiermer is that he just doesn’t grab attention the same way that Kim does. I mean sure, the North Korean public are a flock of sheared-to-government-standard sheep bleating for and trotting after any blade of anti-American grass that Twatty Boom Boom pisses over, but these are the kind of better-off-dead people that Star has to woo to rule this place. Where are the megalomanic displays of nuclear warhead testing to stun the crowds? Kiermer is fighting the neverending lights show with two water pistols, and one of them is constantly pointed at Old Corbo’s army of hair dyed tramps so they’re not really effective. All he needs to do is admit to himself that the parliamentary race is a twerk off, eat a few dozen pure-North-Korean beef burgers to grow it and wear his tightest state-mandated uniform to show it, and he’ll send Kim Turns-his-own-relatives-to-ash-ian running. Maybe then, when he has completed his strut to the Mansudae Ass-embly Hall, Kiermer will be able to put his plans in place to save this nation. Potentially. I don’t actually know what his plans are.

Next Week: Polly Toynbee joins us from Rwanda to talk about e lasting impact of e Kagame regime, and how she plans to chunter about it at a safe distance 25

Features

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What is satire, if not the Lemon Press persevering?

Sabbs Write Satire Students March on Parliament in Jeffrey face by Patrick O'Donnell

4 Reasons To Vote For Matt Johnstone by Matt Johnstone

Earlier this month the students of York staged a protest outside the Houses of Parliament, however to attract the attention of the leaders inside each student had plastic surgery to make themselves look like Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffrey. The idea, falsely attributed to a frequently-viewed page liked by a number of students for various valid reasons that should not be conﬂated, was promoted in a YUSU email and before long 150 students used their rent rebate on the most expensive plastic surgery possible to make themselves into convincing Charlie Jeffrey clones.

1) We will probably get another pandemic, more than likely bird flu which would murder every goose in York, so why risk changing to another sabb who doesn’t know what it feels like to have all their carefully plotted manifesto ideas crushed repeatedly and violently by the cruel malevolent fist of nature? I'm not the best sabb in the world, but I know exactly what it takes to not be broken by their dream of a better York burning before their eyes. I would even help out the effort to stop the bird flu by personally wiping out every goose without losing a night's sleep, no horror can move me now.

One student told The Vision Press ‘If we are all Charlie Jeffrey, then the people in power will pay attention. They will think wow, this man who is so busy and rarely has a spare second to answer an email has come here to talk to us? We can’t ignore another white man with money! I thought with this face nobody would come near me again, but at least 5 universities have offered me a job since. It’s literally believable’. The group of students, who got the train to Lincoln instead of London and had to phone YUSU offices for help, marched on Parliament to demand stuff. They tried to get inside but found out how incredibly hard it is for an average student to get inside the House of Commons, so they just stood outside holding signs saying 'We Wish To Add Our Names To The Petition That Got Lost In Our Spam Folders Last Term' and 'It's Time to RON'. This second sign required the most explanation since no regular person had heard of such a ridulous policy. The Universities Minister was awoken from her cryonics chamber (in which she sleeps until her people return to Earth) to deal with the Jeffreys. On seeing they were Vice Chancellors she immediately descended from her lair above Parliament to issue a teary-eyed apology, begging on her knees for forgiveness (in a definitely non-kinky, purely straight-laced guilt way, however if you do read this as a kinky moment that is fine and we accept all #vibes here). Of course, the students were unable to recognize this sincere moment of apology from a remourseful member of authority and decapitated her on the spot. Unfortunately they were all arrested and charged for identity fraud, proving that in real life there are no real safety nets, merely hard-fought for compromises that people should be more grateful for.

Channelled by Daniel Bennett

We really don't want to use it more

2) Not everything has gone backwards, such as the number of excess deaths and amount of debt per student, and it is important to focus on this positive stagnation. It would mean a lot to me if I could see one good number go up, and would you want to upset this luscious beard? 3) Bereave In the Beard policy. The one new policy for the campaign is that the beard shall act as a comfort blanket for all of those who have suffered. No other candidate can offer students the chance for such warmth from another person whilst also remaining two metres from their face. You remember the beard, don't you? Please say you remember the beard, I know it's been a year since you have seen it but it's even bigger and funnier now, I promise. 4) Please?

Student Journalists WKNEP;KLVRA by Brian Terry NGOEINLOILVWKNEP;KLVR arrested after NVMPW;AODNM LIERSRNDMP;LDSM VPMI;LWEMFVCPOWE;LMCDP O;LMPO;CLMPOE;LCMPO;ELNFW KLN.CAS ;LKEFASCK.C20 20 person cult devoted to\FWO;MFLEQWEP#;GNLE#P NGOEINLOILVWKNEP;KLVR APSD;O NVMPW;AODNM LIERSRNDMP;LDSM VPMI;violent sexual actsCDP O;LMPOchickenLCMPO;ELNFW KLN.CAS ;LKEFASCK.CAS’KEFL SCA’L\FWO;MFLEQWEP#;GNLE#PNGOEINLOILVWKNEP;KLVR APSD;O NVMPW;AODNM LIERSRNDMP;LDSM VPMI;LWEMFVCPOWE;LMCDP O;LMPO;CLMPOE;LCMPO;ELNFW KLN.CAS ‘we’re sorry, if we knew his cock wasthat big we would’ve never .................... ;MFLEQWEP#;GNLE#PEP#;GNLE#Pin laPin last week’s issue’.PEP#;GNLE#P

Features

B**** T**** has to pay our legal fees

Patrick O'Donnell God delusion? Yeah he's deluded if he thinks he's bigger than me

I created the Forest with my bare hands. I saw the creation of this United Kingdom. It took me only seven days to create the heavens and the Earth and I was only working 9-5. The only thing I haven’t created is this beastly pandemic and probably a few wars and the like. You know how it is, everyone wants to claim things that aren’t theirs these days. Just look at this perfectly good pair of soiled tracksuit bottoms I found in a skip.

Maddi Cannell What a royal pain in the neck

Get up off that sofa you lazy lout. Keep that body moving and that blood ﬂowing. Yes, I’m talking to you Prince Philip, it’s the only way to stay young. Your legs ache? Boohoo. You’re getting up at 3am tomorrow for that. I call this the Barry Chuckle workout and we both know how that ended for him. Got to get nimble for the missus, put some heart into it Philip.

Carly Precious

Reelection time: Buckle up

Mission Accomplished. Student wellbeing is better than ever and it’s all down to me. And we’ve done it with an innovative policy. How’re you supposed to kill yourself if you can’t go out to buy rope? And with going outside banned, the watery grave of the Ouse is off limits as well. I’m a genius. Maybe we'll pedestrianise that bridge again and make sure nobody can ever move in town. Next up to receive the Precious treatment: Activities. Now it may get worse before it gets better, but with my input, I’m sure it can get better before getting much much worse.

Matt Johnstone My achievements stretch beyond the horizon

I’ve done it all. I’ve done everything I wanted to accomplish after my ﬁrst two runs for Academic Ofﬁcer and that’s why I’m running a third time. It should be all plain sailing, just dot the T’s and cross the I’s in pandemic and we’re sorted. Learning should be about choice and I’ve learned this is something I can hack while the world goes to shit around me.

Brian Terry My Struggle with Sanity

Features

I got cancelled by The Lemon Press Wokerati just for wanting long-term stable employment. Cancel culture is the greatest blight on campus nowadays. These days they’ll satirise you in The Lemon Press just for being English. The so-called ‘tolerant left’ will stop you being Activities Ofﬁcer just for wanting long-term stable employment. Ignore the fact that it’s me who left the role early to work in some undisclosed industry, it's those fucking cunts at The Lemon Press and the supposed ‘journalists’ at York Vision that have a shadowy network controlling campus. In order to protect free-speech, we must censor people who disagree with me, so my actions do not have consequences. Also it is totally outrageous that I’m no longer being paid for a job that I’m no longer doing. This decision fails to take into account that I’m only not doing the job because I’ve decided not to do it any more.

If you get a copy of TLP and rub the back with lemon juice...

There ain't no sports section here and there never was

Sunak’s Budget Fails on Critical Issue The 2021 Budget dodged the essential issue of university sport funding allocations, despite the issue being a key part of the YUSU Election Debate Night. The monumental announcement of the state of the national economy and government expenditure did not weigh in on the debate of performance vs participation that dominates questions surrounding whether or not uni teams can play against each other. This backbone of society has been overlooked and ignored by the government: despite commitments to have Britain recover from the coronavirus pandemic’s enormous impacts, this problem

persists. If the government thinks that they can just sweep college sport funding under the rug, they’re wrong. Nor did the budget make clear whether or not e-sports would be considered eligible for the £300m initiative to 'restart' summer sports. Why aren’t gamers being prioritised? The Lemon Press demands to know. However, the York Hockey Club remains suspiciously well-funded. We can only speculate as to why. Tom Holderness

TLP Releases Non‐Fungible Tokens In a shock move into the worlds of ﬁnance and art, The Lemon Press can ﬁnally announce the long awaited release of our nonfungible token, the cursed oven. Having been in experimentation for over four years now, the cursed oven has made its cultural habitat valuable, yet its uniqueness is striking as few objects possess such an aura of fear or nightmarishness in what should be a simple photograph of a kitchen. These two aspects combined make it the perfect artefact to be turned into digital currency. But what is a non fungible token I assume you are asking, well… errr, it’s where you get some art, and, it doesn’t have to just be visual, but it could be visual, and there’s only one, so it’s unique. And then there’s err, uniqueness and scarcity, and then well, it’s a token right? And then you make lots of money.

The move effectively kills rumours of the long awaited LemonCoin, supposedly being developed in order to fulﬁl printing costs and… other necessarily anonymous online payments speciﬁcally with York students in mind. Instead, the new non fungible tokens will be useful for sharing how much passion you hold for The Lemon Press with your housemates, setting up loot box scams with FragSoc, and generally pretending to seem smarter than you are. Hey, I wonder what happened to the last Sabb who was really into crypto... Harry Clay

Latest Stock Value Movements • TLP Spelling Errors - Rumoured to be falling soon • Footsies - Foot fetishists in the bin ta muchly • The Cut of Your Jib - Down considerably • Cursed Oven Non Fungible Tokens - Skyrocketing • SpaceX - Up, then down, then sort of up and around a bit • Apollo 1 - Explosive Harry Clay

An Urgent Message Concerning our Dear Leader It has become our unfortunate duty to pass on the following message to our readers. ‘Alright lads, Barry here. Been a big one hasn’t it? Big Christmas, even bigger houseparty last Janua… no, it was a small one, yeah, nothing’s been happening, right. Well, it’s come to the end of my time really. Over the past year I’ve found pleasure in the simple things in life. The TV licence bloke knocking on the neighbours' door. The neighbours' post

arriving at my door. A large cool tinny at the end of work, or indeed a large cool tinny at the start of work, it’s the little things that matter. At the core of that is this: the simple fact that I still have my freedom. I gave them someone else's address. But I'm for a new place now, cans need opening behind another bar, and I'm the only one with an opener. Ta ta.' Barry will be taking up a long term stable job opportunity teaching at MIT.

Envisioned by the final time by Niall McGenity

You'll find a map to a sink where you can wash your zesty hands

Features

Can't pay? We'll take it out back and shoot it, sir

What do you do with a drunken housemate? Lines on the departure of Brian Terrible We bid farewell to Brian Terrible, Now an ex-Ofﬁcer Sabbatical. His election campaign was risible, His outﬁt, thoughts and plans comical, Pledges vague and unremarkable, Other runners were more credible. Winning frankly looked impossible, And yet, who won it? Brian Terrible. To Turning Point UK, amenable, To Media Committee, laughable As for Brian’s plans, some plausible, All of them are now impossible. For Brian found Sabb life unbearable, Took a job that’s more enjoyable. Yet another Sabb unaccountable, A coward and a cretin, Brian Terrible. Slack Jarvey

Ode to Matt Hancock’s Bookshelf Oh! Matt Hancock! Scourge of the pestilence! Do ye see no ironic tragedy? Despite displaying books in residence, Your bookshelf hath greater spine than thee? When every student is barred from college, And every citizen made a loner, Pity a bookshelf hath so much knowledge, Yet fall prey to such a useless owner. But do not despair bookshelf of virtue, It is Hancock, in truth, who must repent, Nature’s forces surely will not hurt you, Your form will outlast any government. James Rhodes

PUZZLE: Where's Wally?

What do you do with a drunken housemate? What do you do with a drunken housemate? What do you do with a drunken housemate? What do you do with a drunken housemate? Early in the morning Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Early in the morning Lock them in the bathroom until they're sober Lock them in the bathroom until they're sober Lock them in the bathroom until they're sober Early in the morning Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Early in the morning Prop their head up with a textbook for a zoom call Prop their head up with a textbook for a zoom call Prop their head up with a textbook for a zoom call Early in the morning Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Early in the morning Snap them while they're sleeping on the sofa Snap them while they're sleeping on the sofa Snap them while they're sleeping on the sofa Early in the morning Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Early in the morning Keep on drinking 'til the next night's over! Keep on drinking 'til the next night's over! Keep on drinking 'til the next night's over! Early in the morning Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Way hay, they're not rising Early in the morning That's what we do with a drunken housemate That's what we do with a drunken housemate That's what we do with a drunken housemate Early in the morning Alex Towells

ANSWER: In long term stable employment 29

Puzzles and Poems

That's all from us for now

Give It A Go: get the vaccine

Aries (21 Mar - Apr 19) Stop doing ket, you’ve made your mother cry. Taurus (20 April - 20 May) You’re just cute as a button, you. Keep up the good work, champ Gemini (21 May - 20 Jun) I’m really sorry that you have to ﬁnd out this way but your Grandma passed in the night yesterday. The funeral is on Thursday. You can’t travel down for it but your dad will facetime you in.

Libra (23 Sep - 22 Oct) Shoot your shot, Libra. It’s going to go badly but it’ll be funny to watch. Scorpio (23 Oct - 21 Nov) Give up. Sagittarius (22 Nov - 21 Dec) If you’ve taken out a loan in the last six years, you may have been mis-sold PPI and be entitled to compensation.

Cancer (21 Jun - 22 Jul) Please don’t leave! I love you! I promise I’ll try harder; we can ﬁx this.

Capricorn (22 Dec - 19 Jan) You bought tickets to Leeds Festival? But you still owe me for that deliveroo.

Leo (23 Jul - 22 Aug) That awkward thing you said/did that you think everyone noticed? They did. They all think you’re a freak now. R.I.P

Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb) Stop taking your meds and see what happens.

Virgo (23 Aug - 22 Sep) They’re not going to sleep with you. The only reason they talk to you is because they think your friend is ﬁt :/

Pisces (19 Feb - 20 Mar) Your idea for a podcast isn’t actually half bad, but it would only succeed without you in it.

Letters, Declarations of Independence, Formal condemnations at the UN general Assembly, Monopoly house rules, New Crypto Currencies, and the bits of the Budget they don't want you to see

Dear Editor,

Dear Lemon Press Editors

I was very impressed with your previous edition of The Lemon Press. Although I miss reaching for a physical copy at the University Library in the middle of the night, I found myself enjoying your online edition just as much. As a bit of a hot take connoisseur myself, I thought I might make my debut in your next edition with this never before seen concept: The Prince Philip Piercing. Please ﬁnd attached a schematic of my idea.

I am applying for the role of Free Speech Champion, and would like your advice? I know how much you love the freedom of speech and use it responsibly, so I am looking for some tips.

Bless up, A Hot Piece of Ass

[This is an actual letter we recieved, and now we've had to see it you have to see it as well ‐ Eds]

For sale: Free speech on campus, never used

Close the door on your way out

Just a few questions, if you have the time: 1. How do you stop people laughing at you? I have been trying ever since school and you guys seem to have managed it perfectly, please make them stop, should I yell jokes at them? 2. When you shut your eyes,

should they go away or is seeing their faces just some kind of weird brain thing that you cannot get rid of? 3. If someone offers you even longer-term employment should you take it? 4. You should deﬁnitely take it if the world is ending, right? 5. What if I left while wearing this funny hat? Please reply soon my family is starving. Best Your future free speech champion

Horoscopes and Letters