The Lemon Press - Issue 45 by The Lemon Press

Welcome to the ThunderDome. Strap in.

Editors' Introduction So this is campus. And what have you… no, I’m not carrying on the John Lennon gag. If you’re reading this you’ve either made some very enlightened choices about reading lists very soon into your time at York, or your flat has been asked to self isolate and you’re reading this to stave off the boredom/madness (it won’t work). Either way, welcome to the freshers’ edition of The Lemon Press, the zestiest, and some would say the only satire magazine on campus. Coronavirus has prevented us from being able to print this issue and so it’s online only, so you’ll miss out on all those printing errors an issue would normally have, but that doesn’t mean you’ll miss out on the experience of The Lemon Press’ trademark unintelligible cosmic horror informed political pieces and copious spelling errors. In this sort of note it would be useful to describe what The Lemon Press is before you go onto read the rest of the issue. A sort of brief run down to explain who we are, what we do, why we do it, and the various illnesses doing it has given us, but we’re not going to do that for two reasons. Firstly we still haven’t worked out how to explain ourselves, and secondly it might scare you off. And we wouldn’t want that now would we? The best way to understand is to submerge yourself, throw yourself in the deep end before you’ve learned to walk, you never know, you might float. In this issue you’ll find our unparalleled US election coverage, our latest feature, The Financial Limes, and our coverage of the best film of the summer (or at least the only film of the summer): Tenet. If you’ve just moved into college accommodation you’ll be able to find out which government Uturn your college is, and at the back you’ll find our latest mystic, Half Cut Harry, as he uses astrology to predict the future with about as much accuracy as you would expect. Last year he predicted that the sun would rise again correctly almost 200 times! On top of that, we have an unprecedented number of jokes about Matt Chorley, and an even greater number of gags that’ll remind you that us two were privately educated. It was our parent’s decision anyway. If reading the magazine somehow does not put you off joining, and you still have the urge to drink the Kool-Aid with us, you can by giving us five of your parents hardest earned pounds through the magical YUSU website. In exchange for the cash, we strap you to a chair and force feed you old TLP gags in the way that we consume them, cold, and without chewing. From there, you too could disappoint everyone around you by writing for a magazine that amazingly, is not the most suspended media output on campus. Let’s face it, what else have you got to lose at this point? So hold on for what would almost certainly be used in the Ludovico technique, and enjoy The Lemon Press. Chris Small and Harry Clay

Are you ready kids?

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sport Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes

pp 3‐10 pp 11‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐27 pp 28 pp 29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Harry Clay and Chris Small Deputy Editors: Holly Palmer and Matt Higgins Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editors: Judd Bennett News & Politics Editors: Harry James, Niall McGenity, and Kathryn Downey Lifestyle Editor: Charles Proctor and Joe Thornton Arts Editors: Joe Thornton and Charles Proctor Sports Editors: Judd Bennett Illustrators: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and various), Holly Palmer (Back Cover), Harry Clay (Various), and Tom Holderness (Various) President: Harry James Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Bex Scott Vice-President: Will Rowan Social Secretary: Beth Hubbard Ordinary Members: Nick Lunn, Niall McGenity, and Joe Thornton Contributors: Bry Daniels, James Rhodes, Tom Holderness, Alex Towells, Iwan Stone, Alex Howarth and Pasky Miranda Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 7th October 2020.

Contents

Our children are safe. Are yours?

The Lemon Press Employ Cambridge Analytica Chief to Ensure This Edition is Seen In a move proving at long last we've been hoarding cash for decades, we have hired Alexander Nix to make sure that every single one of you are forced to read this 32 page treatise on why satire is dead. Nix has been given enough money to scare a whole retirement community, and with it he's managed to provide us with every single letter-number combination that make up @york.ac.uk emails, and told us to put them in a mailing list. He's also managed to ﬁgure out every student's address who lives on campus, and various hotspots where students might be. Almost all of them are on campus. But this top information comes at a price, and we are legally required entirely optionally sharing that we spent two thirds of YUSU's block grant to bring Nix on board. Furthermore, Nix has channelled the dark lord ARGRA'TH himself to ensure that when this content is published, it's beamed into the darkest pit of your very soul where it can never escape, and your every day dream is twisted into a nightmare reminding you of the cost on your head for your decisions, which Vote Leave campaigners say worked a treat back in 2016. YUSU is yet to comment on why one of their student media outlets is dealing with the dodgiest bloke around, although is assuring students that he was deﬁnitely certainly most probably not involved in any Sabb election whatsoever no sir. Harry Clay

28 Geese Later

Campus

In breaking and vital coverage of Greg Clark, he gave a recent statement [Wasn't this in May last year? - Eds.] on British Steel. Shocking the whole house, he proved his worth for his job by using numbers as low as one, and as high as 600 million, although he didn't make any comment on whether or not he could count from one to the other. Clark also flexed his patriotic muscles by mentioning 'British' or 'Britain' 13 times in his speech and mentioned at least two marginal constituencies. In Brexit news, Brexit Secretary David Davis gave an update on the schedule to when Britain will be leaving the EU [Err, this was in 2016 - Eds]. Despite this being the subject of his speech, the only date mentioned was June 23rd, but he scores top points with hard line brexiteers by mentioning tacky metaphors and burnt out similes in just about every other sentence. Questions were asked by MPs for Islington South and Finsbury, Chingford and Woodford Green, North East Fife, Rushcliffe, Sutton Coldfield, Exeter and Wokingham, but I'm not going to tell you who they are or what they said. Religious turmoil has erupted after recently elected MP Oliver Cromwell used his maiden speech in parliament to attack righteous heretic burner Bishop Richard Neile. Cromwell condemned the Bishop for popery, but the house barely responded and other MPs have told me in confidence that Cromwell isn't likely to be bumped into a cabinet position any time soon. It looks like this bloke Cromwell won't even be a footnote in history.

Tom Holderness

With Britain ever heading through a constitutional crisis and the brink of what it means to live in a parliamentary democracy pushed ever closer, we're giving you the very latest about what's going on in the mother of parliaments. Reporters are passing through updates as soon as they get them, to give you the best possible coverage that you deﬁnitely couldn't get better anywhere else.

Finally, in procedural news, violent rebel and regicidal baron Simon ‘Cunt’ de Montford has summoned even more of his friends in a ‘Parliament’ to cement his iron grip [You're sacked Eds]. After the unholy beating of good King Henry III following the Mise of Amiens and the Battle of Lewes (read more in our Bigod Blog), de Montford has disgraced our nation by claiming to rule in the King’s name, despite not being of proper breed or blood or title. His council of ofﬁcials, barons, and assorted weirdos have no true authority, yet wield it as if they are the true bearers of royal power. Only time will tell what will happen to de Montford, but as Prince Edward has just freed himself, perhaps there is a light left shining for divine right. Harry Clay

I'm not continuing that joke

No header? Right. Imma head out.

University Announces New Virus Measures The University of York has announced a new set of measures to prevent the spread of the coronavirus, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal. Alongside its promises of reusable face masks and strict adherence to government social-distancing guidelines, the University will begin pioneering the use of bloodletting to restore the balance of humours in suspected Covid-19 patients. This is to be accomplished through the use of leeches, on the advice of Chief Medical Ofﬁcer Chris Whitty [cor, remember him? Eds.] and the conventional wisdom of the last two millennia. Professor Charlie Jeffery, the University's Vice Chancellor, revealed further details of the virus plan to The Lemon Press: The University is dedicated to doing its part to prevent the spread of this plague, including the procurement of 120,000 medical leeches for the use of our students. Although we understand that bloodletting can be considered controversial, we believe that it is in the best interest of our community to follow national guidlines, stay safe, stay alert, and maintain humoural balance. SARS-CoV-2, the virus responsible for the current pandemic, works by infecting the lungs, irritating the alveoli and triggering an overproduction of phlegm and black bile. The imbalance of such humours are, of course, the direct cause of all disease, and the coronavirus is no exception to this rule. Using leeches is thought to mitigate such effects by drawing out abundant humours and restore the state of eucrasia in the patient. The University's Accommodation Service has modiﬁed its ban on pets to allow leeches to live on campus, and the campus wildfowl population has been completely culled to allow for the breeding of Hirudo medicinalis in the lakes, which is thought to be an ideal environment for their propagation and sustainable farming. This policy is also thought to bring the University of York closer to the area's medieval history (metaphorically), but may exacerbate the issue of the city's notorious landlords (literally). Tom Holderness

YUSU Introduces Socially Distanced Toilets In the face of new Covid regulations from the Government, YUSU has announced that all toilet facilities on campus are to become socially distanced. Every bathroom on campus is to be made two meters longer with tape marking out the distance users must stand away from each toilet, and clear acrylic sheeting will be placed half way in-between to ensure there is no 'bowl-user contact'.

agreed to respond to questions in ﬁve-ten working years. The Lemon Press has worked privately with Yorkshire Water to create a counter proposal, which would see toilet facilities to be replaced with one enormous bowl, with two dozen separate cubicals around the edge. This has the advantage of a single outﬂowing waste pipe, and the ability to potentially see who's on the other side.

YUSU released the update in a statement published privately to ﬁve or six students, but immediately faced questions. One student asked 'how do we actually use the toilets then', as did every other student who heard about the project. YUSU have

YUSU President Patrick O'Donnell is yet to respond to our emails. Harry Clay

This is The Lemon Press!

Campus

Do not react, you are the saboteur...

Freshers Demand Fruit Juicing as The Lemon Press Name Recognition Hits New Lows As prospects for York’s 2020 freshers’ fair dwindle, The Lemon Press has seen a sharp rise in membership, contrary to other media groups. Although the editors have been quick to pat themselves on the back for their ingenuity in bravely recycling The Lemon Compressed’s concept throughout lockdown, it appears these new members may not have grasped the hilarious pun behind the magazine’s name. Without the usual cast of zany characters to man the society’s fair stand, and inadvertently ﬁlter out freshers who don’t laugh at the same four missing person jokes on repeat, TLP appears to have accidentally attracted normal members of UoY’s newest cohort. This intake are apparently under the impression that the eponymous Lemon Press will be at their, and their palate’s disposal after joining what may appear to be a godforsaken love child of the Real Ale and Sober societies. The media group’s president is reportedly staying calm, though now recognises the need for a crash course on obscure exsabbatical ofﬁcers and niche political inquiries if the society is to retain its unique culture. Regardless of these efforts, it is estimated that the last member of TLP’s committee who understands satire will graduate in 2021. Harry James

Physics Defied In an unprecedented turn of events, the Physics and Electronic Engineering [PEE] block has been reclaimed by the Borg. The PEE block was claimed by the University as reparations for an intergalactic space war in the late 1960s, for which the University’s Plasma Institute [then a top-secret government organisation] provided the weapons for the Earth’s forces. The Borg clearly saw fit to come and take the block back as, due to Coronavirus, no one was around to stop them. Despite their reputation, the geese didn’t put up much of a fight. In a statement, University Vice-Chancellor Big Man Chazza Jeffo said ‘I take no responsibility for this turn of events as the PEE block was installed before my time. For the time being, the vacated space in the Physics building is to be filled by a big gazebo… [lab facilities] are not going to be replaced, as due to the University’s social distancing policy nobody was going to be using them anyway.’ A student department representative was quoted as saying ‘good’. Alex Towells

Former Student Sound Off

Remember, write the title with caps lock on because caps lock titles are cruise control for cool. Pasky Miranda, Older Than Time

Fears of New Toilet Paper Shortage as Nouse is Unable to Print

Harry Clay

Section

York could be gripped with a second Coronavirus related toilet paper shortage, with Nouse facing being unable to print because of Corona related ﬁnancial problems. Nouse, which presumably describes itself as York’s most absorbent society, is understood to have particular ﬁnancial issues because it’s spent all it’s reserves on the world’s most boring stock photo collection. For now freshers will have to cope with Nouse’s soft, strong, and thoroughly boring Clash of Comment pieces, not being able to clash with their arses. Chris 'No I will not feel shame at this low effort joke' Small

Want to contribute?

Cactus Jack sent me.

Which Government U‐turn is your College? Alcuin Plain Packaged Cigarettes Did you feel you mattered in 2013? Well that's exactly what it felt like in the plan packaging for cigarettes debate all that time ago. Now, with a pinch of hindsight and a global pandemic, Jeremy Hunt announcing that ministers would hold off followed by ministers not holding off is so mindlessly dull that it's probably back on Hunt's CV.

Constantine A-level Results If you didn't have to worry about what your results were this year, you're probably going to Constantine.

Derwent PPE for NHS Workers Derwent is sort of the 'classic' UoY college, and Robert Jenrick's promise of huge amounts of PPE coming from Turkey is sort of the classic government cock up over recent months. Like the PPE that was inspected in Istanbul, Derwent is 'not of high enough standard' to be used by people.

u-turning against fascists is a great idea [can you write some jokes instead please? -Eds].

James Coronavirus Testing Capacity Was it really ﬁve months ago when Matt Hancock promised 100k tests a day? Goodness. Well in James, you're told that N block is accommodation and not a prison. Both of the claims vastly underestimated the ability for people to use their own eyes to ﬁnd out the truth.

Langwith Games Tax Relief What a whirlwind this one was. Labour were for it, then Tories didn't care, and then big Gideon went all in for it. Much like Langwith being on west, and now in east... sort of. It gets confusing when reading back through old papers certainly. You know they used to call Courtyard 'Langwith Bar'? I know, mad right? I only call it CY now... CYa there soon. Hahaha.

Vanbrugh

Track and Trace Despite regular promises that Goodricke 'is a real college', the University has still not fully made real their promise of making East Campus feel like a place people would want to live. Technically delivered, but not to the standard promised.

Tuition Fees Vanbrugh is a lot like the Lib Dems. It's been there for a while, but not quite as long as you think, and its purpose, while unclear, is clearly detrimental to everyone else. I used to make jokes like these, and a lot of really nasty jokes about Nick Clegg, but I feel vindicated now he prays at the altar of Zuckerberg. One day I'll be vindicated about my feelings towards Vanbrugh.

Halifax

Wentworth

Goodricke

End of Appeasement After sticking to a no-war line for years, the Chamberlain Government ﬁnally committed to action against Nazi Germany after the invasion of Poland. Lord Halifax, one of the architects of appeasement is the namesake of Halifax college, and I can think of no better use of his name than to remind the world that

Free School Milk Do I mean from the coalition, or do I mean from Thatcher? Well if you had to ask this question, you're probably old enough to be in Wentworth. On a similar note, did you know you're not allowed to call someone a 'Cofﬁn Dodger' on URY? Harry Clay

Nick Cage Steals the YUSU Bylaws Alleged actor Nick Cage has broken into the top security vault below Yorspace and stolen the most boring documents in YUSU’s history. In a daring heist, Nicolas Cage cunningly disguised himself as a middle manager who would clearly rather be someone else, which turned out to be superfluous as everyone was working from home and none of its security cameras were turned on, and simply walked into the vault where the bylaws are stored. Rumours about what Cage expects to find on the back of the YUSU bylaws have been flying around, with some saying that he’s looking for the stolen Goodricke money, and others speculating he will find the Protocols of the Elders of Zion written on the back. Whilst YUSU have now opened it’s disciplinary process into Cage, it is not expected to report back for at least three years, and the results of it will not be made public. However, YUSU sources say the loss of the bylaws is no big deal because they always make up what they’re doing on the fly anyway. Chris Small

Email thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Section

Nouse, please collect your archive from our office.

World Cup of best YUSU presidents we’ve never had Jeremy Corbyn: The former labour leader eon the argument at the last set of YUSU elections by not taking part. Being able to win twitter polls would be a transferable skill when it comes to dealing with YUSU elections. Corbyn would also be able ask former YUSU president Millie Beach for advice when it comes to dealing with certain matters. Matt Chorely: You can tell from Matt Chorely’s twitter feed that he clearly has the lack of self-respect required to be a YUSU president. As someone who clearly longs to be loved, and destined to be ignored, Matt Chorely is in many ways the perfect YUSU president. Julian Assange: If YUSU thought mailchimp was a GDPR problem, wait until they see Julian Assange as president. Some say that Yorspace is very similar to the Ecuadorian embassy. Arthur Harris: I’m not saying Bomber command ﬁrebombing campus would improve campus, but it’s something worth considering. L. Ron Hubbard: Look, perhaps it’s time to experiment in a different style of leadership, and would being a cult really be that much worse than the status quo? Chris Small: This is not a lack of modesty, it’s just a very very low bar. Vote for your favourite candidate by smearing their name in shit on the d-bar toilets. Chris Small

YSTV to Launch Right Wing TV News Station

Uni Introduces Stained Glass Effect to Signs

Following information published in job advertisements for senior TV producers, TLP can reveal that York Student Television are planning to move into regular news output based on American station Fox News. The ads asked for 'experienced hackers with a background in comedy', that would be tasked with 'tackling the wishy washy leftie liberal bias on campus.' This is likely in response to the success [? - Eds.] of CuntRadio broadcast on URY every day covering the latest news with only a slight fractional tiny barely noticeable bias to contra-ism. Hosts have previously included twelve students who worked really hard to get into University and whose parents coincidentally pay their fees, and one student whose father made it big on Russian oil in the 90's. YSTV will be copying the CuntRadio format by loudly vomiting into one another until the body can't produce any more bile, although viewers can anticipate a much more exciting experience as they will be able to watch the spectacle, as opposed to just having it plugged into their ears. The York media mogul David 'Dacre' Dunning who owns YSTV, URY, and the print publication Puce has stayed away from heavily editorialised news output previously, but appears to be launching head ﬁrst into it after seeing how few people actually gave a shit that any old fucker whose Mum stood for the Tories in '97 could get a show. Harry Clay

Campus

Find us on Facebook

Chay, please collect your 100 cans of Red Bull from our office.

XR Protest Shuts down The Lemon Press and Nouse Print Editions

Student Politico Podcast Ends as you Might Expect

Extinction Rebellion protestors chained themselves to the gates of the print presses responsible for Nouse and The Lemon Press last night, halting all production and leaving media bins empty. However, the action lost some weight as it was realised that no one actually noticed. Since the only people who have heard of York Extinction Rebellion can be found in Nouse and TLP readership (also known to go under byname 'editorial teams'), rebels found that their night-long vigil resulted merely in a strongly worded editorial liked by over three members of the media committee.

A group of self diagnosed political experts from the University of York have reportedly found difﬁculty with their new podcast detailing various exploits and anecdotes.

This has been claimed as a ‘dramatic victory’ – a source from XR commented that ‘when people walk past us demonstrating in the street it’s as if they don’t notice us – it’s nice to know we do in fact exist, and this isn’t just another plot by Rupert Murdoch’s mind control.’ In response to TLP questioning about the impact of the paper strikes, students replied ‘who?’, ‘what?”’ and ‘where?’. Media bins have found new life as freshers move in, with copies of student media being replaced by actual trash, which Nouse are strictly removing, claiming that the coffee cups and crisp wrappers taking their space is a ‘deliberate bias’ against the paper. Maintenance staff have since employed several new people, saying that they have not seen such vigour and enthusiasm in garbage distribution since the last media distribution. Iwan 'no I'm not involved with Vision' Stone

‘Soulless’ Campus East to Receive Gothic College For years now students have complained that York’s East Campus feels sparse and cold, with hypermodern accommodation strewn across vast and open ﬁelds in what can only be described as a town planner’s wet dream. Landscaped verges and open plazas are certainly aesthetically pleasing, but do they compare to West’s iconic mix of asbestos and brutalism?

The 'Politicast' as it's called by the hosts and the hosts only, features three regular presenters and a special guest, and puts out an hour long episode twice daily. The show boasts an impressive knowledge base with hosts Callum Washington having completed all of their first year politics modules without a retake, and Patrick Gulban who once went to an office hour in second year. Special guests have included as many lecturers who still respond to emails, and as many PhD students who dare associate themselves with undergrads, but despite the all star line up and the highest production value Audacity can provide, listenership has remained even lower than the doomed URY number station show. Reportedly, difficulties have included 'getting anyone interested' and 'finding anyone who will care', but the hosts are adamant that issues are less conceptual and structural, and more coincidental. 'Why wouldn't students at UoY want to hear the latest stories analysed by a handful of politics students. I mean, we've got all the know how possible, I know exactly how to open the BBC news app and ask people what they think' said Washington. 'You know, my Dad took my to Parliament once, I'm really plugged into the Westminster bubble.' But critics of the show have also been vocal. One student speaking to The Lemon Press said 'look, I get they're enthusiastic, but paying for The Times online subscription doesn't count as 'insider knowledge'.' After uploading episodes of the show to Spotify, the service has introduced an 'ear poison' tag used for this show, and anything featuring Julia Hartley-Brewer. Harry Clay

With this in mind Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffery announced that York’s 10th college will adhere to a strictly Gothic architectural style, with hopes buildings will bring some muchneeded character along with them. This lack of charm is not to be addressed with ﬂying buttresses and stone gargoyles alone as Jeffrey, hearing students’ requests for more soul on East, suggested naming the new college Winehouse or Gaye. Other suggestions have included building over Native American burial grounds, sacriﬁcing ex-sabs to ARGRA'TH atop a new YuPyramid, and banning gingers. Harry James

Although we don't really post a whole lot

Artists impression leaked by Niall McGenity

Campus

What if we held hands and shared masks? Jk... unless?

Fun Facts for Freshers’ Week The time has come to tell a fun fact and you don’t want to leave everyone else in the Zoom call waiting on the ‘best week of your life’. I’m here to give you a big fact injection. Choose one of these classic fun facts for a guaranteed reaction. ‘I appeared in Joker. Oh yes really… do you remember that scene where Joker is dancing around in that toilet block? I was in the leftmost cubicle, absolutely petriﬁed.’ ’I’m a foot model.’ This immediately gets everyone thinking about your feet which is likely to mean you stay in their mind long after you log off. ‘My high school nickname was breadsticks.’ Don’t explain this one, just take one out of your pocket, snap in two and shove it in your mouth while you wait for the next person to share. ‘I met Yuri Gagarin once. He was surprisingly down to Earth and very funny.’ In the middle of a Zoom call the absurdity of this fact may go unnoticed. Gagarin died long before anyone here was born and did so by coming down to Earth in a way that newspapers would deﬁnitely not describe as Very Funny. ‘I’m a childlike thinker trapped in the body of an 80 year old man. My back hurts and my hips keep dislocating at unfortunate moments. Instead of student halls, I’m living in a retirement community. I’m 18 years old and can’t give my name for legal reasons.’ Will Rowan

Pass the Orcs

University to have Separate ‘Welcome Week’ for Coronavirus The University announced this morning that as part of it's commitment to equal opportunities for all life forms it will be putting on a separate welcome week for the virus to make it feel at home as it starts it’s academic career in York. In stark contrast to the human exclusive events in the week prior, the viral welcome will feature largely in-person events, with opportunities for the new viruses to find students to spend time with over the coming months. ‘I’m looking forward to the social aspect of uni the most, I think.’ commented David, a first year virion starting economics this year. ‘I think there’s going to be a lot of opportunities to network and I just can’t wait to get out there and start making a difference to the population numbers.’ When asked if this was safe for other less contagious students at the university, Vice chancellor Charlie Jeffers said ‘Look, you’re all fucked anyway. We thought if we were nice to it, then it might just go away.’ While the effectiveness of this strategy remains to be seen, top minds in the scientific community are already saying things like ‘what?’ and ‘please stop talking to me.’ Matt Higgins

YUSU 'Benzos Friday' Initiative Falls Apart The hastily thrown together plan introduced by YUSU in late August has already fallen apart after rumours came out that Sabbs and YUSU staff alike aren't actually taking the drugs. The initiative was designed to counter many of the struggles found by people working at YUSU through Covid-19, but CCTV footage released exclusively by The Lemon Press has proven that not one YUSU ofﬁcial has indulged in any form of enhancing substance since the new Sabb team took ofﬁce in July. A student speaking to TLP has expressed their concern at the situation. 'We expected our student representatives to be following the rules they set. We voted for them and expect that they follow through with their policies. I've been bleeding from the nose and ears from my extreme substance abuse for the past 7 weeks for them, but they haven't even been trying. Why should it only be me who loses their septum?'

Harry Clay

Campus

In an email not sent via MailChimp to The Lemon Press, YUSU have denied all allegations of right-doing, claiming that 'all of our tight knit student-led team are fuckin' crackheads here mate', but combing through hours of footage has proven without a doubt that unless substances are being consumed off the clock, YUSU is dry. Harry Clay

You can also find us on Twitter @thelemonpress

Old copies of The Lemon Press make for excellent facemasks.

In what Order will Colleges get Covid?

College Rugby Players Report Sexual Frustration as Social Distancing is Enforced

Derwent: Look its Derwent, we're going to be more suprised if it isn't locked down in about four hours

The University of York is facing mounting pressure to resume inter-college sport matches as rugby players' sexual frustration begins to affect their mental health. Already stripped of their opportunities to grind against each other and innocent bystanders weekly at Salvos, not to mention any prospects of ﬁnally meeting a girl as enamoured with themselves as they are, college players are reportedly struggling in their adaption to the mortal world.

James: It's your own fault for being 'sporty', even though it's debatable if sex counts as a sport Vanbrugh: You're all central it's inevitable.

too

In response, York’s rugby captains have penned a joint letter to the Vice Chancellor suggesting he exclude the clubs from social distancing measures so their practice might act as a lifeline against the frustration that they are exhibiting. One captain, who wished to remain anonymous claimed that the similarities of a scrum to the sweltering hell that is the downstairs of Salvos on a Wednesday night might smooth the boys’ anxieties as clubs show no signs of reopening. Harry James

Constantine: Daddy's money can't protect you from everything. Langwith: See above.

Two Handy‐Dandy Maps of Campus If you're new and want to ﬁnd your way around:

Halifax: It'll take a while as no one goes there but will eventually become UoYs ﬁrst plague colony Alcuin: Let's be real none of you are ever going to knowingly break the rules you teacher's pets Wentworth: Do any of you ever even socialise Goodricke: I refuse to believe you exist but I apparently have to include you. Bex Scott

Places you didn't know were on Campus As I go into my masters year and I see the hundreds of freshers wandering about campus without a care in the world, I realise there are a countless secrets on campus that they won't know about yet. So for the unaware, here are some pretty hidden way sights that you might want to see on campus.

If you're new and need to meet... certain requirements:

The burial mound: There is a small hill full of soldiers who fought for Earl Siward over on East Campus. The University won't admit it, but the occasional bone or scrap of leather has to be fished out of the lake. Hell portal: Why do you think Central Hall is the shape it is? Because it best magnifies the sun over a special spot that opens a gateway to the underworld silly! It only happens on summer solstice, but for five minutes each year, that sculpture in the Derwent swamp becomes a gate to the heart of the earth. My exam results: Well I certainly didn't want to keep hold of them myself. They're buried in a shallow grave somewhere near Philosophy. If you find them, please don't get in contact. Harry Clay

We post there far too often

Harry Clay and Will Rowan

Campus

I like your funny words Lemon Press.

Lightning McQueen Found to be Commander in the Waffen SS

Pub‐Ageddon: Jez North Back Behind Bars After 10 Years in Jail

Piston Cup champion Lightning McQueen has had his past history as an ofﬁcer of the Nazi regime revealed to the public. The prominent racing car has managed to evade detection for so long due the fact that everyone assumed that the lightning bolts painted on his sides were a reference to his name, but they were in fact, artistically altered depictions of the SS symbol.

It’s a super Saturday for notorious pub landlord Jez North who is once again back behind bars, serving punters after serving ten years in jail. I have gone undercover to reveal how North’s nefarious pub-based tricks have adapted to coronavirus. My ﬁndings will shock you.

We also now know that 'Kachow' was secret car code for 'Heil Hitler' and that Lightning Mcqueen had to be persuaded to race under the number '95' rather than '88'. It is now understood that Lightning McQueen learnt to drive fast during the long retreat across the Soviet Union and Germany, in the desperate attempt to surrender to the Americans before being caught by the Soviets, and that McQueen was brought to the States under Operation Paperclip. Chris Small

Chorley in Online Duplication Row Matt Chorley has denied splitting into two in a burst of violent mitosis over the result of his Best PM We Never Had Twitter poll. Sources close to Chorley have told TLP that Chorley occasionally grows a second arm if he is panicked, and has several fingers protruding out of his spine, but all previous allegations have been without proof until now. A picture has been taken with the two Chorleys debating one another in what appears to be a light hearted bit of fun in the House of Commons. It can only be speculated at what other multiplications Chorley is capable of, and what has already gone under the radar. If we were to speculate mindlessly and without any evidence, there is a serious threat of Chorley making his ears and nose so powerfull he could detect anything in a 20 mile radius. The Times is reportedly thrilled at the prospect of having double the work done under the same name, but senior Labour figures have highlighted the potential for the Chorleys to unionise. Scientists are yet to say if there is a risk of an enormous thick mass of Chorley streaming out of various Westminster locations, but one scientist has confirmed that this whole situation is an affront to God. Harry Clay

Watch out for the following dastardly plots if you venture to your local pub: A one-way queue that never leaves the pub: In fact, it’s 500 miles long and goes through 20 toll booths, each manned by one of North’s acolytes. If you ever do leave, you’ll be £50 poorer and six months older. An ordering app which charges you like a taxi meter: If your phone isn’t immediately overwhelmed by the sheer volume of Google ads, your bank account will be slowly drained for every second you’re in the establishment. Mirrors: If there’s one thing I know, and it may be the only thing; you can’t trust a mirror. North has turned all of his pubs into a hall of mirrors to make them seem more packed than is legally allowed. It’s disorientating, it’s bizarre, it’s quite horriﬁc. Being asked for your credit card details for the NHS test and trace scheme: You should expect to give your recent contacts when you’re at the pub. Under no circumstances give them your credit card details along with a list of all your saved passwords. It’s a con. Masks: You’ll never even see North ﬂeece you. It’s a trick he calls The Golden Fleece. He’s technically not allowed within 500m of a pub. Stay safe. Will Rowan

Chinese Embassy Asks Twitter to Investigate After Ambassador Likes Tweet from The Lemon Press The Chinese embassy has given an ofﬁcial statement of ‘I was hacked, it wasn’t me honest’ and demanded that Twitter take action to make sure that its ambassador to the UK, Liu Xiaoming’s twitter account never likes something embarrassing as a tweet from The Lemon Press Twitter account again. When asked for comment about the ambassador liking several 3 hour long compilations of footjobs and several tweets calling for the overthrow of the Chinese state, the embassy commented ‘we’re only focusing on the tweets actually embarrassing to the Chinese state’. Chris Small

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This Morning Presenters and the War Crimes They've Committed ﴾Or the Five Easiest Defamation Cases the World has Ever Known﴿

Phillip Schofield Truly the Lord Haw-Haw of our age, spewing propaganda to homes across the nation with the accuracy of Guido and the tact of also Guido. Will no doubt be the first person to be executed in Britain since the 60s as the righteous fury of the rope makes Schofield pay for his crimes. Holly Willoughby The greatest fear of all sailors, Willoughby shows no mercy on the high seas. Several powers have reported Willoughby pouncing on half scuttled subs and damaged battleships. She has so far evaded capture and prosecution on a variety of legal technicalities, including there being no survivors to prove her crimes, and always being on the winning side, meaning her domination over the pacific is still set in stone. Richard 'Ribbentrop' Madeley and Judy 'Juttner' Finnigan These two are a real piece of work, serving at the highest levels of pariah state bureaucracy. If there's ever a dirty job that needs doing, this pair will make sure their are orders is followed to a T. Intelligence sources are yet to prove any national allegiance, so it's likely that the 'Bonnie and Clyde of South Sudan' are always available for the highest bidder.

Ben Shapiro furious about Eat Out to Help Out

Prominent facts and logic user Ben Shapiro has condemned the government's Eat Out to Help Out scheme, which he described as ‘degenerate’. In a 130 minute long viedo, he described in unnecessary detail how he had never ever eaten out his wife’s P-Word, and how he would never help anyone else out. The video then continued further but fucking hell I’m not watching anymore. Chris Small

Lorraine Kelly For legal reasons, we must clarify the difference between the legal entity 'Lorraine Kelly' is a lovable daytime TV host who couldn't hurt a ﬂy, and the legal person 'Lorraine Kelly', who's spoken of only in hushed whispers in the former Yugoslav states. Anonymous sources have passed on documents to The Lemon Press that prove Kelly's involvement in distracting UN peacekeepers, and rumours are now circulating that Kelly supplied the poison consumed by Slobodan Praljak as he stood trial in 2017. Of course this whole discussion is academic anyway, as all broadcasts from This Morning break Convention III Article 3 by inﬂicting "outrages upon personal dignity" on "persons taking no active part in the hostilities". Hopefully we can all pray for a swift and righteous trial. Harry Clay

World Map Damaged The official map of the world has been damaged in a food and beverage related accident, causing widespread confusion and alarm. It's reported that a guard protecting the map was enjoying their mid shift snack when a sudden gust of wind launched parts of their sustenance out of their grasp and across the official map, leading to all manner of serious problems. As defined by a by-law of an initial agreement of the United Nations, the map is the legal representation of what the earth looks like, and although it is changed whenever a nation alters their borders, a small technicality requires nations to keep their physical forms up to date with the map. Parts of Germany and central europe are in the midst of erecting enormous flakes of salt, whereas Saudi Arabia has constructed a Fanta lake miles away from any other civilization. An urgent meeting of the United Nations Security Council was called to address the fact that both China and Russia, while permanent members of the council, have not been committing to fulfilling the map treaty. Experts on international diplomacy have told The Lemon Press that a united front from the two powers could create a powerful lever against western sanctions, and would prevent a vote on ensuring the offending clause is struck. The guard responsible has been given a living viking burial. Harry Clay

And TikTok... no, seriously

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TLP writers have more in common with crabs than they do you and me.

Constantine Statue to Come Down York Minster has been widely praised for replacing its statue of Emperor Constantine with a stone relief of the skeletal titan lord ARAGR'TH. The new Archbishop, the Most Reverend and Right Honorable Stephen Cottrell has been vocal in internal circles for the change to be made, and has stated a belief that having a statue of the all-seeing, all-crushing, all-throbbing deity is far more appropriate for the culture of the city. In an even more shocking revelation, a press release from the Minster has conﬁrmed that discussions about changing the statue have been had for years, but previous Archbishop the Right Reverend and Right Honorable John Sentamu had blocked any action being taken. Initially, changes had been halted on supposed practicalities including the issue that no stone can truly recreate the majesty of his bloodlessness, and that all who would look upon such a creation would have their eyes turn to sludge, but The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that the Right Reverend and Right Honorable John Sentamu was actually placed under a curse by the sordid spirits of Constantine. Senior York clergy have told TLP stories of Sentamu channelling the energy of Constantine by slaying children, and minting thousands of Roman coins. One particular incident notes that so many coins were produced in the North wing of the Minster, that Sentamu had to commit to decades of repairs and reconstruction work just so they could be hidden away. The recent damage caused to the Minster could have been an attempt to retrieve some of those coins by minions of Constantine. Having exercised some of the demon spirit, the Most Reverend and Right Honorable Stephen Cottrell has told The Lemon Press that the power of Constantine stems from all the sexual repression and mental frustration passed on by 1st year students stealing his sword. In response, the sword will be split into 1,000 pieces, melted down, and used to forge the cranium of our lord, our god, our everything ARAGR'TH. Soon, visitors to the Minster will be able to take the quick path to the highest viewing platform by angering the One who commands our souls, although every artist attempting an impression of what that will look like have so far turned into various woodland animals. Cottrell denies rumours that he's amassing the greatest skeletal army known to man. Harry Clay

A Pair of Bullseye Jokes about Ed Davey 'Now you've got the party leadership, would you like to go for coalition?' 'Now you've got the party leadership, let's have a look at what you could have won.' Harry Clay

©Keith Edkins ‐ Edited by Harry

Clay ©Richard Baker ‐ Edited by

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Harry Clay

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You can't cover your table in digital Lemon Press's

Unloved Karens Find New Home at Battersea As the world begins to re-open, the post-COVID-19 normality has left one group in our society without the attention they desperately need. Karens, who since March have enjoyed an explosion in population, now ﬁnd themselves unable to function in a world governed more by personal space and courteous behaviour towards strangers. This has left many of them incapable of coping in such large numbers. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Karens (RSPCK) was formed in August and has founded a new centre opposite the RSPCA’s site in Battersea. Its mission: to rescue and rehome destitute and unloved Karens in the UK. The RSPCK has a variety of facilities to accommodate the recent upsurge in Karen numbers. This includes an open-air interactive play area. Designed specially to look like a local pay and display car park, here the only limit is their imagination, lung capacity, and ability to create a problem where there is none. As for inside, the shelter’s interior is furnished to look like whatever middle-class suburban house the Karen’s husband bought before the divorce.

This enables Karens to live, laugh, and love their new life at the shelter. The void that formed in these middle-aged women’s souls after their millennial children dropped contact can now be ﬁlled by a team of on-hand helpers trained to role-play as whatever target takes Karen’s fancy. From Waitrose employees to baristas, the RSPCK believes that every Karen should have a manager to speak to. Most importantly, the Wi-Fi provided by the charity keeps these Karens off the streets, out of the YouTube compilations, and safely within the carefully designed echo-chambers installed at the shelter. With this in mind, the nation can sleep easy knowing these women are safely removed from supermarket aisles and café queues across the country. Looking forward, winter will be a trying time of year for the charity as families just decide not to invite their Karen over for Christmas dinner, leaving many to ﬁnd shelter and Wi-Fi at the RSPCK. If you think you could give a Karen a home, please contact the RSPCK. Remember, a Karen is not just for times of socio-economic unrest. They’re for life! James Rhodes

Jordan B. Peterson's Feet Only Diet In an insult to human anatomy, famed nuisance Jordan B. Peterson has been placed into a medically induced coma after looking at too many pictures of feet on the internet. Over 5 terabytes of video and photo content were found on his hard drive last week after it was raided in an attempt to ﬁnd the lobster mobster J Vito Claw, but all agents found was a drooling Peterson entranced by a sweating size 9 on his laptop. Internal security camera footage taken from Petersons house has shown that the man would spend 8-16 hours each day ﬁnding pictures online and saving them, seemingly knowing the correct size by eye. Since the revelation, Petersons Reddit account has been released publicly, with Redditors swift to point out that this beast had been involved in moderating hundreds of subreddits, all in one way or another involving feet.

OnlyFans will lead to big changes in how creators will be able to make a living online, but scientists are relieved at the news, as this conﬁrmed fears that Peterson was working secretly on some foot based doomsday machine. Only time will tell if pedophile Peterson [er, we assume this means foot lover, not... - Eds] will ever wake up to answer for his crimes. Harry Clay

Council to Install Pillboxes on the Shambles

Opinion over the monster is divided, with Reddit user u/ maxwellhill commenting that 'this is an absolute disgrace, these sort of people teach our children, they shouldn't be allowed outside', but user u/Maragil has told The Lemon Press that 'well it's impressive really that he could own so many liberals, and ﬁght his throbbing urges to get in with their beta cuck feet'. The bad doctor's bank records have shown that almost all the proceeds of Peterson's hit YA ﬁction 12 Rules for Life have gone to various independent content creators across the globe. Economists worry that the reduction in demand across sites like

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Vision sus...

UK Public Inquiries: Where Are They Now? Leveson In 2011, Lord Justice Sir Mr Leveson swooped into action to save the UK press from itself. In 2012, it became clear that although the most brainless, spineless, soulless vampires control huge swathes of the nation's media output, all we can do about it is pat ourselves on the back for not being brainless, spineless, soulless vampires ourselves. Now, well beyond the novelty of fake news, the Leveson inquiry is just ordering its seventh strawberry daiquiri of the afternoon on some Caribbean beach, never to be seen or heard of again.

Chilcot An investigation into the potentially criminal war started by Tony Blair, it was commissioned by a man who was entirely unconnected and deﬁnitely not a senior cabinet minister under Blair or a long time New Labour ally, Gordon 'destroyer of worlds' Brown. It's original physical copy price, while expensive, got you something like 3,000 words per pound, although that probably wouldn't even get you through the contents page. It's rather poignant then, that this Inquiry is now going to make everyone's lives more expensive by working for Apple preparing for their Epic Games shoot 'em up lawsuit.

Hutton The Hutton Inquiry is sort of like the younger, edgier brother of the Chilcot Inquiry, even though Chilcot is the sort of Inquiry to show up to your neighbours' barbecue and talk about his very genuine concerns with immigration numbers. This particular inquiry is currently on retreat in the Falkland Islands, which, like the death of Dr. David Kelly, is largely overshadowed by broader geo-political issues.

Pennington Hugh Pennington has provided over multiple inquiries into E.coli outbreaks, but most prominently produced a report in 2009 covering an outbreak in South Wales in 2005. Given that my birthday was ruined, my holiday ruined, my habitual drinking ruined, and this print edition ruined by a disease outbreak, I refuse to make any jokes.

Shipman The only inquiry listed to not be named after the investigator, the Shipman inquiry concluded that doctors who kill their patients are bad, and recommended that nobody do it again. These conclusions were disputed by basically nobody, but anyone who did raise their voice has so far proven to be a killer, a nonce, or a tax ﬁddler. This one is just waiting to rear its ugly head again. Harry Clay 15

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Peter Jukes Launches Lunch Crowdfund Author and Editor of the Byline Times Peter Jukes has launched a Crowdfund campaign to fund all the time he doesn't do any work throughout the day. This harps back to the News International phone hacking trial, of which Jukes launched a crowdfund so he could livetweet the whole proceedings. It appears that the average working day for Jukes is fairly limited. Anonymous leaks to The Lemon Press have shown that Jukes typically takes a 2-3 hour lunch, with handfuls of snack breaks across the day. A keyboard log from Jukes' laptop reveals that he spends the vast majority of the day on Twitter, occasionally closing the sight to do the odd one or two bits of actual work. The Lemon Press, which has been ﬁned for defamation one fewer times that Jukes' Byline Times, is happy to see the start of what will inevitably be the future, in which the details of every person become publicly available and are used to drain any fun or soul or joy out of a person in their working life. The campaign doesn't clarify if Jukes will be putting funds towards the time he spends shitting, although we have it on good authority that he already publishes as much of that as possible. Harry Clay

Coventry Bombed to Stop Local Man The Ministry of Defence has confirmed today that the city of Coventry has been levelled in an attempt to stop one man publishing articles with a not at all local to Coventry, student led satire magazine. Secretary for Defence Ben Wallace gave a statement at what used to be Coventry Cathedral saying 'in the war against our minds and our souls, we cannot afford to not use our full arsenal.' When questioned as to whether nuclear tactics were considered, Wallace claimed that 'we thought about it, but worried that the fallout could create an even beastlier writer.' Sources within the MoD have confirmed that the target, known as 'the Fox', has been active for years, but it was only weeks ago that decisive action was taken after a dossier was produced proving beyond doubt that the target possesses 'Weapons of Mass Annoyance'. Everyone we spoke to who used to live in what is now called Crater Town has expressed outrage that such a small action was taken. 'They should have bloody killed us all' said Julie, who lived through the bombs before, you know. Despite thousands of deaths, the MoD cannot confirm whether the target has been destroyed. Some are worried that harsher action might be taken to ensure that not a microbe of life can survive, although questions of a more Lovecraftian nature are being raised, asking whether or not 'the Fox' is a living being. Harry Clay

If you're happy and you know it...

York Vision was not The Imposter.

Former Student Sound Off

No you can't use my picture, but instead use any Google image result for 'eating salad' that takes your fancy. Pasky Miranda, Salad Consumer

J. K. Rowling Swears Pseudonym 'Doug Jones the Baby Killer' is Just a Coincidence J. K. Rowling, author of hundreds of tweets, has has responded to criticism suggesting that a pseudonym she uses 'Doug Jones the Baby Killer' could be in reference to the infamous Doug Jones who murdered 23 babies in an infant's ward in 1976. Although Jones was technically never convicted on the technicality that none of the babies could point him out in a line up, he is still widely considered responsible. The Doug Jones name has been used on a series of crime novels written by Rowling, of which the running plot consists of a man bent on killing as many children as possible, and a detective who appears to do his utmost to let it happen by ignoring the most basic of facts and all available resources. Critics have described the writing style as 'mushy' and the narrative meaning as 'missing'.

Fans have leapt to her defence, mostly without any knowledge of the Doug Jones killings or what tact is. The runner up for Time person of the year 2007 has stated that 'there's absolutely nothing connecting Doug Jones the Baby Killer and Doug Jones the baby killer, it's entirely unrelated and just shows how little good faith these anti-killing-baby extremists show.' Harry Clay

How Many Tiny Horses can you Fit in a Cursed Oven?

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Amazon Home Delivery Vasectomy Kit In an expansion to the online retailer dominance, Amazon have launched their 'Easy Snip' home vasectomy kit. The package retails at £19.99 and promises quick and easy steps to make your home surgery as painless as possible. This marks a clear path of expansion for Amazon, as they are also still heavily involved in the distribution for Covid-19 test kits. Nothing further has been ofﬁcially announced, but rumours are circulating that by Q4 2021, the average UK citizen will be able to complete their own dentistry, acupuncture, and X-rays, with an Amazon Basic MRI scanner also reportedly in the quality control phase of production. Little is known as to how the Amazon Health Service range will integrate into the future of Amazon drone delivery. Critics have noted that the vasectomy kit is the ﬁrst step to drone domination, with one telling The Lemon Press 'look it's not long now, all it'll take is a drone with some scissors on and we'll all be for the chop.' Harry Clay

The Search for an English National Anthem Heats up as Wham! and Sabaton Battle it Out The lack of a uniquely English national anthem has frustrated both sports organisers and closeted racists for years, but their wait might be finally over as debate on the topic reaches the national consciousness. The assumed front runners of Jerusalem and Land of Hope and Glory have seen little traction as buzz builds around alternative, and diametrically opposed picks ‘Wake Me up Before You Go-Go’ by Wham! and ‘Back in Control’ by Sabaton. Wham!’s jaunty pop tune seemingly reflects the remnants of English stoicism, and perhaps sarcasm against the dreary backdrop of 2020 yet it may become the more reasonable choice against Swedish heavy metal band Sabaton’s ode to the Falklands War. Back in Control won the support of Little Englanders early in the race yet some doubters are now questioning whether a song that praises the Iron Lady and glorifies the mass killing of Argentine conscripts can unite the nation as they may hope. Although these songs are now driving the debate, other contenders include David Davis’ The Killers cover ‘Mr Brexit’, the mindlessly provocative unionist recommendation to use Zombie by the Cranberries, and finally Justin Welby’s suggestion of a simple and accessible Gregorian Chant. As momentum for each idea grows, an English referendum on the matter now seems inevitable. Harry James

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Please wake up... your mother misses you dearly.

Declaration of Incelpendence The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen incel kings, when in the Course of online events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the social inadequacies that separate them with another, and to assume among the powers of the internet, the female touch to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of everyone who already agrees with us requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to start bickering. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that #notallmen, that they are well endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are nudes, attention, and the pursuit of any woman who'll look at us, that to secure these rights, internet forums are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the Reddit Gold of the posters, that whenever any form of content policy tries to destroy these ends, it is the Right of r/braincels to shoot up a school or a cinema, laying everyone in sight to the ground, as to them shall seem most likely to end their Safety and Happiness. Relaxed use of slurs, indeed, will dictate that subreddits long established should not be taken down for political correctness or 'content that encourages, gloriﬁes, incites, or calls for violence of physical harm against an individual or group of people'; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that men are more disposed to suffer, while women are sufferable, than to right themselves by ﬁnally going out with us. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object to 'leave women alone' and 'stop wasting your lives wanking off to pictures of people you went to school with ten years ago' evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotitism, it is their right, it is their duty, to make a tit out of ourselves, and to provide new mods for their future security. Such has been the patient sufference of us men, and such is now the necessity which constrains us to alter their former systems of shitposting. The history of the present Reddit content policy is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over those who through no fault of their own, have never had sex.

Failed COVID Measures

Nivea Confirm That Their 'Post Shave Balm' is Definitely Cum The statement came after one 16 year old boy asked the question that every other 16 year old boy was thinking but was too scared to ask: ‘Damn, this really looks like cum, is it?‘ A Nivea spokesperson stated that ‘we didn't really think it was necessary to explain that the soothing, off-white, 'balm' was actually semen’, however they refused to answer when questioned further about the origin of the product. This announcement is predicted to have minimally affected sales as there are no recorded cases of anyone buying Nivea Post Shave Balm for themselves, with all purchases credited to aunt's who really need something to give to their stuck up sister's spotty son 'Dylan' but would be damned if they spent more than three seconds looking for a gift. Niall McGenity

Before the rule of six, a whole raft of measures failed to pass the low bar of being legally enforced. Here’s the list in full.

would reduce capacity by making it a pain to complete the most basic tasks in public: such as walking down the street.

Nightingale Showers: Huge showering facilities were going to be constructed in every large city. Each one could ﬁt 10,000 people and was designed to be COVID-secure. That’s a lot of fellas in one room. Plans for ‘Keeping the Community Clean’ were in their late stages before a soap shortage scuppered the plans.

Banning Eye Contact: Let’s take a sledgehammer to social interaction by banning eye contact lasting longer than 5 seconds. This would be strictly enforced using tear gas and probably a stun grenade or two for good measure.

Student Prisons: Instead of trapping uni students in halls, one plan considered sending every student straight to HMP Belmarsh. Freshers’ week would involve walking around the prison yard and being beaten senseless by ‘Mad Pat’. Installing Mirrors Everywhere: To give the illusion of packed streets, mirrors could be placed strategically along pavements. It 17

News and Politics

An Old Sock Stuffed with Pennies: This is the alternative to COVID marshals. Mad Pat was going to be put on day release and armed with a sock full of coins. Pat just starts swinging, no questions asked. Anyone dumb enough to be seen outside would be laid out on the pavement and get a fast track pass to their local A&E. Will Rowan

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The Lemon Press US Election Model Hello, I’m TLP’s election analyst, Nate Generic-non-precious-metal, and I’m here to take you through what our election model is saying in advance of next month’s presidential election. We’ll be covering the national picture, and then we’ll cover what the model is saying about some swing states, ignoring safe states like Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Florida, and Louisiana (where our model gives a 100% chance of a Huey Long victory). In our model we’ll be using pioneering metrics such as the candidates’ star signs, and our state of the art vibe checks.

Key States Maine - Our model expects Maine to split its electoral votes like some fence-sitting, bed-wetting, Mike Gapes supporting centrist. East Dakota - I couldn’t be bothered to ﬁnd it on the map. West Dakota - I couldn’t be bothered to ﬁnd it on the map but further west. New York - I’ve been to New York once, the hotel room smelt of cigarette smoke. Oklahoma - This one is an American state, but I don’t actually know anything about it apart from the fact it made an appearance in a tornado documentary I watched once, so I left all the data entry for this blank. Arizona - Lot’s of polling here for the model to think about. So much it actually hasn’t got back to us. Ohio - The computer told us that the answer is ‘42’ and the problem here is that we don’t know what the question is. Alaska - We know where this one is, but we couldn’t be bothered to get the model to deal with non-contiguous states on the map. Hawaii - See Alaska. A Very Important Graph Nanny - The sugar tax is favoured to edge out plain packaged cigarettes here. Kansas - Society has moved past the need for Kansas. Minnesota - Not going to lie, I got pretty bored at this point, you’re better off just checking the 538 prediction. France - Isn’t an American state, I don’t know how it got here. Liquid - Water is a liquid between 0°C and 100°C. SSD - Would highly recommend getting one, I’m not waiting 5 minutes for this crap model to load. All of these state results give us a headline outcome of, errr, errrrmmmm, 60% chance of Garry Johnson winning I guess, 10% chance of something and a 30% chance of you can’t prove anything it's a probabilistic model. We asked the model to produce a scatter graph, but we haven’t worked out what it means yet. If you have any ideas get in contact via smoke signal.

Those 538 predictions in full America: 66% Biden wins 23% Trump wins 9% Jeb! 2% Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II

U.K.: Conservative majority: 3% Labour majority: 6% Whig majority: 15% Harold Wilson rises from the dead, declares himself emperor of the world: 159% Your degree result: 2:2 Your employability prospects: nought Alex Howarth Chris Small and Harry Clay

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The thinking man's Big Issue

A Cabbie’s 12 rules for life.

Local Man Self‐Isolating Unless You’re ‘Up For Something Later'

Goverment Guidance on Coronavirus Safe Sex: Try Incest

1. Talking to the passenger about football whether or not they give a shit. 2. Talking to the passenger about conspiracy theories, whether or not they give a shit. 3. Always listen to the dulcet tones of Nick Ferrari on LBC. 4. The Highway Code, more like the Highway suggestions. It’s a bit like the Geneva convention init. 5. ‘CardmMachine not working.’ 6. Complain about Uber for having the outrageous, anticompetitive behaviour, of making a service more user friendly. 7. Complain about Sadiq Khan for the outrageous, antiEnglish behaviour, of being Mayor of London and not being white 8. Racism. 9. Homophobia. 10. Sexism. 11. It’s actually about ethics in cross London travel. 12. These days they’ll lock you up for just being English.

A local man has taken to self-isolation for the next 7 days following a headache and sore throat. However, he’s very happy to meet you at your place or his, if you’re ‘up for something later’. The man, known only as Patient C, has taken his first few days of self-isolation to contact everyone he knows just to check what they’re doing between the hours of ‘late’ and ‘later’. From one depraved room, Patient C tries to flog his unappealing wares. He has been keen to stress that Coronavirus isn’t the virus you should be worried about catching from him. Even if he is infected, he’s assured that ‘It won’t last anywhere near 15 minutes anyway, never has, never will… So you’ll be fine, love.’ If you know this man, please do not fall for his tricks and call 111 immediately. Will Rowan

With government guidances still recommending that different households remain socially distanced from each other, it has presented a dilemma on how to practice sex safely. However, new government guidance suggests that one way for households to get round this issue is through the practice of incest, which at the sametime as avoiding household mixing also avoids bloodline mixing. Critics of the guidance have suggested that Dominic Cummings has been spending too much playing Crusader Kings 2 in lockdown, a claim that he has refuted by saying ‘it’s just the best way to make sure my heir gets the genius trait.’

Sources of Income for Former TLP Writers

Betfair Private Eye Her Majesty's Constabulary The dole Is this an indictment of the devaluation of a degree, historical materialism, or just the consequence of writing for such an awful publication? Find out in precisely one year when I have to pick one of the above options. Harry Clay

Section

The goverment is understood to have ﬁrst considered the policy after noticing the low infection rates in Norfolk Chris Small

How To Deal With The Daily News, Three Easy Tips To feel Less Like Becoming A Hermit; 1) Actually do your degree, we're all paying an extortionate amount of money to sit at home and attend seminars. Consider actually attending them for once. 2) Remember the good old days, become your Grandpa, talk at great length to the freshers about how much you miss Willow and Mansion and make sure they know exactly how much they are missing by having their virtual viral freshers week. 3) Alcohol, it will never not help, if you drink enough you may even forget that Covid exists. Bex Scott

Five Guys and You: The Perfect Lockdown

How's it all been then, this severance from the norm. Have you done alright? Picked up any hobbies? Done anything fun? Oh... you've not enjoyed it? Oh dear. Well I have to say, this is rather unexpected. I thought you'd love it! But not... hmm, well, do I have the trick for you then, all you need Five Guys. First off, let's talk about the fluids. You need to know about the fluids. General Ripper was right you know, fluids are really important and you can't get better access to fluids than with five guys. You will be absolutely bathing in fluids. Obviously there'll be the chin dribble, you can't help that when you're involving the mouth, but what you might not expect is just the pure spread of moisture over your head, hair, and neck that Five Guys can give you. Then you get into the heft. The sheer mass of meat and flesh that you get with five guys. If you're to take a hold of Five Guys, you

immediately get the sense of mass, you feel almost a different sense of what it means to be under the influence of Earth's gravity. You also get an incredible opportunity to take in the texture. The comparatively high mass and density leaves a lower ratio of surface area than alternatives to five guys, but there's still more than enough to get your hands on and have the full experience. Finally, you have to address the rest of the sensations. The scent comes pretty close to the mass, and feels almost as heavy as well. There aren't as distinct sounds as one might hope for when coughing up as much as you need to for Five Guys, but if you really put your ears to to it, then you do get a separate distinct sensation. Sensation really is at the middle of all this, and if you're after a great sensation, I can't recommend anything more than five guys. Harry Clay

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Gender reveal party or papal announcement

Lifestyle Tips: How to Succeed in Life Always say ‘keep the change’ when paying for anything, especially when you’ve spent the last 30 seconds meticulously counting out the exact change. Once you’ve disembarked at the theme park car-park your focus will likely be on the largest rides: largest in height and queues. There’s no need to worry. Simply carry around a small waiting time sign, setting it to a time well after the park will close. Now, put it outside the ride that takes your fancy, well before the real sign. Come back to the ride later, charge past the ‘five hour queue’ and strap in. Always wear three pairs of trousers. When someone notices your awkward movements and asks 'are you wearing two pairs of trousers?' you can truthfully deny. When people talk about plausible deniability, they’re definitely packing a few pairs. Keep your wallet fat by putting it on a high fat diet. Use lard, chocolate muffins, and anything else you have lying around. Just take a teaspoon of lard and apply it to the inside of your wallet every day. Soon it’ll be positively plump. Slash your own tyres to deprive those rascals of their fun. That’s it. That’s how you succeed in life. Will Rowan

Things to Make You Run Faster

Are you trying to increase your lung capacity, but struggle to force yourself into making the distance? Then maybe these top tips to make you run faster will help. A high BPM playlist: Are you using the Spotify running playlist? Well there's a problem. Sticking to roughly 150bpm is keeping you back from your full potential. Try 210bpm or higher to keep your motivation full. Run through a safari park: There's nothing that gets your heart pumping more than good exercise, and the fear of being ripped apart by barbary apes and eaten by lions. You're guaranteed to pick up the pace if your life is on the line. Rocket shoes: Try strapping high power jet propulsion to

your running shoes to give you the extra boost you need. You might want to keep a fuel tank in a backpack though, so this might not be the best advice if you don't like running with cargo.

Drink three pints of water before you leave: It's scientiﬁcally proven that if your bladder is close to bursting point, you can run three or four times faster than even the fastest sprinters. This one isn’t best for older runners. Doping: It's banned in the Olympics and competitive sport is because it works. Fill your bloodstream with various substances until you can see into the future, and you know you're good to go. Cybernetically enhanced legs:

Be a better version of Oscar Pistorius by addressing his one major character ﬂoor, the lack of cyber enhancement in his legs. You could also include more practical upgrades such as a bottle opener, or one of those little things to get stones out of a horses’ foot, but if you already have a pair of legs, you will need a very questionable doctor to make this happen. Cycle: This is sort of cheating, but hey, who cares. Get your bike and knock down the other runners as you go. Bonus points for combining this with any of the other options. Drive: This is even more sort of cheating... but you can go much faster. Become a blue hedgehog: Hehehe gotta go fast.

Hand Sanitiser Alternatives We’ve looked into some alternatives to hand sanitizer if you’re tired of being the shadow of big hand sanitizer. Gamer girl bathwater: The best way to keep your hands clean before using RBG peripherals and touching your epic gamer chair. Shampoo: If you happen to have weirdly hairy hands it might work, IDK really. Lasagne: Some believe that Lasagna has magical cleaning powers, they’ll be wrong but at least it’ll taste nice if you lick your hands. Soap: Don't be silly. Chris Small

How to Turn Your House into a Crack House 1. Do Crack 2. Bethan Hubbard

It's an area of internet the size of Ireland

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Harry Clay 20

Interested in joining us? Don't.

Elon Musk Invents New Cryptocurrency ‘Blood Diamonds’ Elon Musk, Silicon Valley’s nonce ﬁnder general, has announced a new crypto currency, which unlike other cryptocurrencies will not be mined through computer processes, but will instead be mined by child slaves in war torn countries through a process known as ‘child-labour-chain’. When asked about the ethics of using blood diamonds as a currency Musk maintained that the mining process was more ethical than mining bitcoin as it ‘does not use up graphics cards which could be used for aiding the usage of gamer words.’ Musk also denied that he was merely returning to his family roots, citing that his dad was involved in mining emeralds, which is totally different. Elon Musk was asked for comment, but he just called us ‘a bunch of paedos’. Chris Small

Among Us Argument Leaves Eight Dead with No Survivors

What started as a friendly game of Among Us, has left Eight dead and no survivors in what has been described as ‘an emergency meeting that got out of hand’. Anyone watching the cameras in security would have seen that approximately Ten seconds into the game Red pressed the emergency button to accuse Cyan, which prompted an extremely boring argument which eventually escalated until one of the players felt compelled that the only acceptable solution was a murder-sucide.

Other Scientists Jealous of ‘all this Epidemic Shit’ While many scientists have been hard at work trying to save countless lives researching the coronavirus, some have been feeling left behind in today’s fast moving pandemic. A group of physicists, geologists, palaeontologists, and even a sociologist who got added to the group chat by accident are petitioning the government to generate other global crises that everyone can get involved in. Suggestions include an alien invasion, zombie apocalypse, and a bigger, scarier climate change. Richard, a 23 year old astrophysicist from Hull who’s a key member of the group, said he only chose to study astrophysics because if 'sounded real fucking cool' and that in light of the pandemic he feels he has to struggle against 'those smug fucking epidemiologists pricks' to sound as cool as he used too when talking about how much he wants to work for Elon Musk. When faced with work that’s saving humanity, he says he just can’t compete. In response to the group, ministers initially told them to fuck off, but after someone’s dad got involved talks are scheduled to go ahead in October with the government keen to reach a compromise that doesn’t involve the end of the world. Negotiation strategies are said to mainly involve telling key members that they’re ‘very cool and also important’ and that ‘we asked Keanu Reeves and he says he likes you guys more’. Matt Higgins

Among Us 2 Released

Only ﬁve minutes prior to the fatal incident Green had arrogantly asserted that Among Us caused less arguments than other similar games due to the ‘short rounds’. North Yorkshire police have not made any arrests, but when giving a description of the suspect they said ‘red sus’. Chris Small

Tesla Launches Battery Powered Hot Air Balloon

The residual drippings of brain tissue from the Musk cave have released an electric hot air balloon. The balloon can be plugged into any standard plug socket, and after only four or five weeks, will give enough power for a two hour flight. Some balloons have been bursting into flames upon landing, which Tesla insists has nothing to do with the battery being taped to the bottom of the basket, and the company refuses to answer questions over how to control the balloon when it runs out of power, and why it needs to bother with shit like this in the first place. Harry Clay 21

Science and Tech

Harry Clay

When I find myself in times of trouble...

Don't listen to the other header.

Huawei Given Pacemaker Contract Chinese tech giant Huawei has been given a contract to make Britain's pacemakers for the next 20 years. The announcement comes mere weeks after the company was forced out of the telecoms market in the UK, but apparently not the keep-old-duffers-alive market. The company are set to manufacture a range of pacemaker which will be fitted according to estate wealth, whereas typically in China they would be fitted according to social credit score. The PM30, PM40, and PM40 Pro will all be 5G compatible, and instead of running off of batteries, will be powered by the bleeding hearts [poor choice of metaphor. -Eds] of the workers in their struggle for freedom from the Capitalist dog. The company also promises to New Tech lets TLP Readers Pick Their provide free upgrades in the future when newer models are Favourite Articles developed, which is nice I suppose. Rival companies such as the vile foreign company Nokia or the great British company BT were outraged at the fact that the contract was dished out to a company literally banned from the country, but a rumour is circulating that other competitors for tech contracts may be eligible for Huawei free bidding for the cranes that will be used to move the giant Wembley Lasagne for its final phase of construction. Health Secretary Matt Hancock was reportedly 'too busy' to respond to our emails, but a civil servant drone has informed The Lemon Press that the decision was made purely on the basis of whichever company can help to provide the best profit margin service for the country. It was also stated that there is absolutely no cause for concern that Huawei's chief of Ethics is the company's Communist Party secretary. Harry Clay Harry Clay

Buy My OnlyFans ‐ How TLP will Sustain through Financial Turmoil Look, you can't just be a dude being a guy on the internet anymore without seeing all these always online E folk launching careers on OnlyFans. It just ain't possible! And believe me, I've TRIED not to look, I do everything I can to avoid it, but it's just impossible and well, we're all a little out of pocket here, so err... can you buy our OnlyFans? We offer a wide number of services that you might enjoy, but they'll cost you. For five bucks we'll send you a header. Headers are the only bit anyone fucking likes to write anyway, and we always get way more than we need. Frankly, we could probably fill pages with headers much quicker than we could articles, so for only five smackeroonies I'll send you one. There's no way of knowing if it's used already without checking, and I sure as shit am not going to check, but the excitement that it could be new and exclusive is all you're after right? For 15 dollars, we'll give you a full article. Want the experience of The Lemon Press but can't/won't read more than 400 words at a

Mother always read me The Lemon Press

time? Then this is for you. If you're lucky, you might even get a picture, but only if it's poorly made on MS Paint. For a round 50, we'll send you a cover. It could be the pain stakingly made hand drawn works of art like on this issue, or it could be one of those botch jobs that was made last minute without a solid idea. Again, a bit of a lottery, but well worth the money, for us at least. If you give us a full century of notes, we'll show you one of our cross overs with Vision or Nouse. Very rare. Very Naughty. Vision would only begrudgingly admit it ever happened and Nouse are still refusing to give an opinion on the matter [nothing new there. -Eds] but you'll get full access to the whole display... if you fund 1/5 of our print run. Any more than this and it's entirely up to you. Want to see our whole back catalogue? Access to all the article we didn't publish, including the jokes YUSU made us take out? Want to buy one of the editorial team to sell on? Sure, we just need the money. Harry Clay

Science and Tech

We have nothing to report on former York mayor, former City Screen employee and current York councillor Dave Taylor.

Tenet ‐ A Bry Daniels Film Review

Twilight 6 Review

Ngl, head's fucked. Two and a half hours of fucking mad shite. Walked out the cinema backwards just to make sure my future body double wasn't goin to shoot me in reverse or some other sneaky shite.

Almost eight years after the release of Breaking Dawn - Part 2, the long anticipated sixth installment of the Twilight Saga was released this summer. It is unclear how much time has passed since the events of Breaking Dawn - Part 2, but it seems like quite a while as Edward is now estranged from the rest of the Cullen family and has developed a British accent after what I assume was a messy divorce from Bella.

Haven't seen most of the actors in this one before so I couldn't give a toss for the ﬁrst 40 minutes but then Kenneth fuckin Brannagh comes on screen as the Ruski baddie wanker and he's fuckin amazing. Holds the whole thing together in my opinion, which is not an easy task at fucking all. Apparently Nolan is a tosser on set and he always wears a three piece fuckin suit. Now, I've got no qualms with that if it's a Peaky Blinders thing. It's a bit fuckin weird but the boys down the Red Lion do it sometimes and they have a laugh so no harm done. As always, took the boy, Greg (19). He was mad for it, especially liked the bit where the plane crashed into the airport, he was taking notes the whole way through, especially when they was talking about breaking into places unnoticed and how to build bombs and that. Greg's a right fuckin nerd but don't tell his mother I said that spends all day on his computer but I can't say anything these days what with lefties and all that bollocks. Not many birds in this one so the lads might not enjoy it and I couldn't give a rat's bleeding arse for any of the fucking timetravel tosh spewing from the physics bloke's mouth. Booked an appointment at Specsavers for a hearing test as per the wife's orders (for the last time yes I know it's an eye place but they do hearing as well) since the sound in the cinema nigh-on bust my ear drums. I'm not what a used to be. 2/5 stars Bry Daniels

This sequel moves away from the Volturi to Russian Oligarchs. Instead of playing opposite Taylor Lautner as Jacob, Pattinson now plays opposite the (probably as equally Native American) John David Washington. While Washington's character name is never mentioned, I assume he is a Jacob recast. There did seem to be a lot of inconsistencies from the previous films. Many scenes featured Edward, in direct sunlight without his signature refractive shimmer. It’s unclear if this was an oversight or the result of budget issues. Overall, Tenet made for a very confusing continuation of the Twilight Saga, taking a very different approach to the previous films. Unfortunately a lot of fan-favourite characters were missing in this film, but that did give more time to explore Edward and Jacob’s bromance. Hopefully a lot of the unanswered questions will be addressed in Twilight: Batman coming out next year. Bethan Hubbard

Tenet 2 Cancelled Over Safety Concerns

The Lemon Press can reveal that the sequel to Christopher Nolan’s film, Tenet, has been cancelled due to concerns amongst cast and crew that the maverick director may push things too far. Nolan is famous for his insistence on practical effects and complex storytelling, but this has forced many to “pussy out” of the production early on. The wormhole to an inverted hellscape designed for the film resulted in shadowy entities dragging half the production team through it. Needless to say, this depleted the film’s budget in order to compensate the grieving families on top of disrupting the shoot schedule. Robert Pattinson also walked out of the production after an argument with Nolan over the actor’s inability to poop in reverse – thus betraying the laws of Nolan’s carefully crafted story. Also, it was impossible to fit one of those IMAX cameras in the cubicle. Nolan is answering complaint letters concerning Tenet 2’s cancellation, however you may find you get his reply before you send it. James Rhodes

Tenet Review

Arts

Look, I don't have a lot to talk about here, I haven't watched it, but I really didn't want to feel left out on this page. Chris Small

Is there a flu going around?

Have you ever seen a goose choke to death on a plastic mask?

Optimates As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a senator. To me, being a senator was better than being Consul of Rome. Even before I ﬁrst wandered into the forum for a job selling chickpeas I knew I wanted to be a part of them. It was there that I knew I belonged. To me, it meant being a quidam in the regio that was full of nemo. They weren't like anybody else. I mean, they did whatever they wanted. They would threaten to demolish your house and nobody ever spoke against you. In the summer when they played Latrunculi all night, nobody ever called the guard. Quintus Tullius Cicero. Cicero ran the chariot stand in La Bella Vista Pizzeria and a few other places for his brother Marcus who was the boss over everybody in regio Caelimontium. Marcus might have moved slow, but it was only because he didn't move for anybody, and also had a crippling olive addiction. There was Quitus and Marcus and me. And there was Cascilli Metelli, Scipio Nascia Serapio. Then there was Mascus Porcius' kid Cato the Younger, and his guys, Lucius the Gaul and Hortalus No Nose. And then there was Titus Annius Milo who was married to Fausta Cornelia. Then you had Rufus Eyes and Marcus Brutus, and Lucius Three-Names nicknamed because his name was Lucius three times. Hundreds of equites depended on Cicero and he got a piece of everything they made. It was tribute, just like the old country, except they were doing it in Rome. All they got from Cicero was speeches proscribing other guys looking to rip them off. That’s what it’s all about. That's what the Populares can never understand: that what Cicero and the organisation does is offer protection for people who can’t go to the centuriate assembly. They’re like the praetorian guard for wiseguys. People looked at me differently. They knew I was with somebody. I didn’t have to wait on line at the pistrina on Sunday morning anymore for fresh focaccia. The owner knew who I was with, and he’d come from around the counter, no matter how many people were waiting. I was taken care of ﬁrst. Our neighbours didn’t park in front of our domus anymore, even though we didn’t have a carriage. At XIII, I was making more denari than most of the grownups in the regio. I had more denari than I could spend. I had it all. One day some of the kids from the regio carried my mater’s groceries all the way home for her. It was out of respect. Henry Clay

William Shatner Explains why he can't Stop Making 'Music' There are so many things that people are never designed to do. Flying, for instance, or drinking milk, and although William Shatner was never meant to make music, that's never stopped him. His new album The Blues has just come out, and we've sat down with Shatner to discuss why he just can't stop making music. 'It came from my youth growing up in the country. I used to sit around the willow trees eating straw and throwing stones at birds. There was a day when ol' John Hampton the local sweet tea farmer came over with his kids and threw them in the brook. It was an emotional experience really, but they grew up alright.' 'So why do you make music? I mean, it's awful, everyone knows

it's awful, you must realise that this is only ever played as a joke?' 'Look, that day ol' Hampton threw his kids down the water, I knew there wasn't much left in life unless you take life by the balls and make it wheeze. DVD sales of Star Trek have been drying up for years, but all these nerds keep buying the records. I don't care if they listen to it. Every sale of one of my songs puts another meal on my table, and man do I eat.' What a man. What a machine. Shatner's new album The Blues and acompanying ear plugs came out like a week ago or something. Harry Clay

I'm starting to get a cough and a sore throat

Arts

Lay down your arms, pick up a Lemon Press.

Everything You can Fit on the PS5’s SSD

Thanks heavens, it’s the triumphant return of your Agony Ally. Since I last heard your gaming-related troubles, my allies have seen their lives take dramatic turns for the better. Tim Allen left his wife and son to become a professional Dota 2 player and Elon Musk is still alive, in a fashion. However, a new generation of consoles brings a new generation of confusion. Let’s get to it. Question from Tim Allen: My wife no longer speaks to me and I haven’t seen Jon in three months. Why would you do this to me? Agony Ally: Hang in there Tim. We all know that it gets tougher before it gets easier. Stick to your guns and your desktop and Dota 2…

I can’t help but bring up the elephant in the room, the one issue consuming the world at the moment… the lack of storage space on the PS5. 664 GB of usable space!? Gamers. Gamers, Gamers, Gamers. This is tough. However, it’s not as bad as it may seem. I’ve compiled a brief rundown of what we can ﬁt on a standard PS5. 2,000,000 eviction notices. 512,000 angry voice messages from the landlord for not paying any rent. 300 4K videos of yourself being blackmailed. All the photos your wife and her boyfriend took over the past ﬁve years. A single £70 game post one-day patch. All the RAM you've download

Todd Howard Launches Test and Trace app

Section

A glowing Sean Murray just announced that Hello Games are entering stage 3 trials of a new COVID vaccine. Their new vaccine, NMS2, is built using a new experimental technique: a PS5 dev kit and straight-up lies. It is hoped NMS2 will let users explore whole new worlds such as a crowded room, a football stadium, and the inside of the house when your wife has her ﬁve boyfriend’s around for tea. Matt Hancock has already ordered 50 million doses which are to be produced by 10 people in a small ofﬁce in Guildford. Early ‘beta tester’ trial volunteers have been given either NMS2 or a placebo dose of false hope. Recorded side effects include disappointment, blind rage, and demanding a refund.

Question from Bill Coles: How do I seduce a Gamer? Agony Ally: Well Bill, that’s one of life’s big questions. Nabbing yourself a Gamer, someone who can speed run Dark Souls in a single evening, is a common desire. However, just like abused animals, Gamers take some time to come around to your affection. Start by picking out a ﬁre ﬁt: jogging bottoms and an old hoodie. Next, get some snacks. These are important wherever you may be. Now, make your move. Take off their Logitech G451 headset gently, gently tug their ear lobe, and say ‘mon brave’. Bill, you’ll go far.

Hello Games Start Developing a COVID Vaccine

I sat down with Murray for a chat. Needless to say, he was his usual energetic self. ‘I think all our work has been building up to this moment. From Joe Danger to No Man’s Sky, we’re always pushing the boundaries of play’. Murray’s deﬁnitely pushing something. Image Matt Grandstaff (Bethesda Softworks)

They laughed when I said I wanted to edit The Lemon Press

They got rid of CDs and floppy disks, now they're coming for your guns.

The NOICE Guide to Covid House Parties How long can you really go without drinking your internal organ weight in tequila and vomiting over listed buildings? Well I never stopped, but it's getting tougher and tougher to pull through a proper night, especially by ourselves. I mean, where's the fun in screaming songs half naked when you're only doing it in your bedroom and not in the street with a group of others? Even with five other people the vibes aren't as strong as they need to be and if someone flakes, a huge percentage of the group is down. It's just no fun. So NOICE has budgeted me and my flat a few hundred quid to test out how you can put on a house party in the year of our lord 2020. First off, booze. Let's not deny it, the only reason any of us can talk to one another or have the confidence to wear anything interesting is because we all drink too much. Right? Well if you're trying to be the only beacon of fun when the clubs have closed and the bars are closing, you'll want to provide as much of the fun juice as possible. Normally we'd recomend some sort of punch, but hey, let's not fuck around with the virus here. You can't just go about letting everyone drink from the same recycling box. Instead, pour out glasses of the good good from the box into juice boxes. That way when you're buying the 'cups' you're also buying the mixer, and it's all separated so nobody will get the 'rona. To help prevent queue build up, provide more than one ladle from the box so more than one can fill up at a time. For the drink itself, we'd suggest putting one part windex to one part fruit juice, and then three parts of the alcohol you prefer. I'm choosing listerine. The decor is also very important. Fairy lights? Overused. Candles? Great. Helium balloons? Expensive. Hydrogen balloons? Exciting and reminiscant of the '30's. Speakers or a guitar amp? Normie. One Samsung Galaxy S3 Mini in the bathroom? Cool. Try locking the doors and throwing away the keys when everyone arrives to really build up an atmosphere.

Well they've all graduated now

Then you get into the music. Everyone's tired of the same 'another one bites the dust' or that shite 'My Corona' song, fuck that shit. The music is meant to be the point of escape from the hell world you're in, not constantly reminding you that your grandparents are worrying every day. The last time I invited someone over, I had white noise playing for two hours. They were confused at first, but LOVED it once they got into it. Other top hits include gregorian monk chanting, and church bells. Party goers love church bells. But finally, there's the biggest, toughest question of them all. How do you deal with the police when they show up? Well there's a whole handful of ways to make this easier. First of all, have a back gate. If you don't have one already, make one, or put a small step ladder by a back wall to escape with. Easy as pie. Sometimes they'll send some 'round the back to catch you escaping though, so if they do, just tell them you're an olympic high jumper trying to get some practice before Tokyo 2021. If you can't escape, you'll have to talk your way out of it. Swearing is a big no no here, don't tell them to fuck off back to cunt land (although they deserve it). First try to get into a character. It doesn't matter if your hair is fucked, you're covered in spilt drinks or food and you're dribbling, police are suckers for a proper accent. Maybe keep a top hat or a cane by the door to posh up the image even more. If that doesn't work, you'll want to make sure you socially divy up rooms into houses. Sure it's still legally questionable to have 42 people living in your house, but if you claim they do 6 to a room, it'll be fine. Most importantly, you cannot invite them in. They're like vampires, or Alec Douglas-Home. If you just keep them out, it'll be all fine. Now so long as you have friends, you're good to help sustain a vicious killer by keeping the house party scene alive. This is the bit I had problems with, but I'm sure if you're more popular than me, it'll be a doddle. Harry 'send me to North Korea' Clay

Section

I was cucked by the Editor and now I vow revenge

'ANDRÉ 3000' ADJUSTS IN LINE WITH INFLATION Legendary rap artist, actor, and producer André 3000 has announced his new stage name: André 4528.19. André Lauren Benjamin, known as half of the world-famous hip hop duo Outkast, has today made the surprise decision to change the name that he performs under from "André 3000" to one that he says is "more in tune with the modern American economy and reﬂective of his personal development as an artist."

The artist began performing under his previous name in 2000 with the release of the duo's fourth hit album, Stankonia, which was released in the midst of the bursting of the Dot-com bubble that had come at the tail end of a decade of sustained growth for the American economy. In the 20 years that have passed since, a cumulative rate of inﬂation on the US dollar of 50.9% has resulted in "3 Stacks" becoming "4 ^66/125 Stacks".

Admitting that the current socioeconomic climate of the US no longer resembles that of the early 2000s, the artist's rebranding comes at a time of ﬁnancial uncertainty, but it is yet unknown if he considers the current speculation on the Dow Jones Index to be "SpottieOttieDopalicious" What's cooler than being cool? Finance. Tom Holderness

Chris 'Not Formally Charged' Small's Top Trading Tips Buy: Lego Lego is the soundest investment you’ll ever make. If your banker has advised you to buy trivial things such as ‘shares’ or ‘government bonds’ sack them now, they clearly don’t know what they are doing. I am the only person you can trust with your money now. Sell: the Gold We all know what they say about Gordon Brown; ‘He sold the gold and he saved the world’. Sell the Gold and you’ll become a massive chad Hold: Freddos A sound, but boring investment. If you choose to eat instead, remember to take the wrappers off. Chris Small

I have a problem with women. The only way I meet women is through submitting articles under a pseudonym to The Lemon Press. Any tips? Weatherby This is a very creative tactic, however there is one fatal ﬂaw in your current method. About as many single women read the Lemon Press articles as there are Lemon Press articles worth reading (almost none). I'd recommend submitting your articles to a better publication with a greater female audience. Good Luck Aunty B Hyper lefties have taken over my Twitter poll, what do i do? - Chat Morely If you can't beat them, join them. Dislocate your jaw and swallow a whole copy of the communist manifesto. If you've not reached that point yet, get rid of all poll options you don't want people to vote for. Take that libtards - Aunty B I hate myself - Corona Virus Don’t worry. Everyone feels like they hate you sometimes. - Aunty B I have trouble getting an erection, please advise - Reynard Erectile dysfunction happens to a lot of men as they get older. Accept that you’re an old man now and die. RIP - Aunty B Beth 'Aunty B' Hubbard 27

Section

You can stop asking 'Are we there yet?'

Put this under a UV and reveal the same edition but in purple

Alfa Romeo Brings Controversial Upgrades to Kimi Räikkönen's Car At the latest Grand Prix of the 2020 season, the Alfa Romeo team has shocked the rest of the Formula One paddock, with some unique upgrades to the car of Kimi Räikkönen, which now suspiciously looks like a Panzer IV tank, rather than the C39 car he has driven so far this season. Speaking to the press, Kimi conﬁrmed that the new livery to go along with the upgrades to his vehicle are for ‘brand consistency’, allowing him to prominently feature the Iron Cross and the SS lightning bolt in the race, giving them the same prominence he gives them on his merch. Technical experts in the paddock don’t know yet if the Panzer IV will be faster than the C34 Kimi has driven so far, but they expect the engine to be more powerful than the Ferrari engine has been this year, and that wheels falling off will be less of a problem. Despite the rotating turret making Alfa Romeo the second team to develop DAS (Dual Axis steering), it is not expected to be as effective as the mercedes system due to the FIA ruling against blowing up competitors, with Alfa Romeo forgetting that the FIA is no longer run by Max Mosley and therefore not being able to rely on them being pro-nazi. Chris Small

Rise in Homosexuality amongst Men after Months of Cancelled Sports A new study found that since March, the proportion of British men engaging in homosexual behaviour has increased from 2.3% to 48.2% since March. This has been attributed to the cancellation of sports and sporting events. It is theorised that, because these men can no longer sensually touch each other on the field, they are resorting to filling this void of man on man contact with their friends in other ways. Consumption of gay porn has also increased in place of televised events where men used to be able to satisfy their need to watch fit, attractive men touch other fit, attractive men. There is an urge to resume sports as experts worry that without them, soon all men will have become gay. Bethan Hubbard

Jimmy Anderson Defiles Science to make 700th Test Wicket Record setting right-arm swing bowler Jimmy Anderson has shocked cricket fans and science ethics councils globally by being the first English bowler to take 700 wickets, aided by huge amounts of practice and an 18th century cannon barrel used to replace his arm. Anderson made waves in August by being the first to take 600 test wickets for England in August, the 4th highest of any bowler, but in the past few weeks, Anderson has blasted that number up. Sources close to Shane Warne who took his 708'th wicket in 2007 report that 'he's shitting himself'. There is trouble for Anderson however, as the International Cricket Council refuses to acknowledge his achievements. In a statement given by European Cricket Club Chairman Roger Knight in a hair replacement advert, the ICC has found discrepancies in how the wickets were taken. 'We are meant to keep accurate records for this sort of thing' said Knight, 'but we've had reports of this bloke just showing up to kids matches and blowing the wickets away shouting things like 'that one counts' and 'you can't find the bails, add another' which just isn't on.' There isn't any evidence of how the transplant took

place or what happened to Anderson's real arm. The Lemon Press channelled the ghost of Fred Trueman by taking 30 years of TMS recordings and playing them simultaneously to ask if he knew anything, but he just seemed to argue with Alison Mitchell and Isa Guha. Incidentally, Lancashire County Cricket Club have ﬁled an 'incidental' bankruptcy claim due to what the LCCC claim to be 'miscellaneous budget discrepancies in our black powder and explosives department.' Harry Clay

Please keep you arms and legs inside at all times

Section

Have URY found the sticker we left in there yet?

Letters, Postal Orders, Stolen Credit Card Infomation, Track and Trace Results, Sexed Up Dossiers, Formal YUSU Complaints, Supreme Court Nominations, etc. To Will, Henry, and Myles, Please can you write again. I've spent more time writing for this issue than I have for every issue combined so far. My eyes are watering, my ﬁngers ache, and I think my brain is slowly melting. Like, your jobs aren't THAT important, only one of you has one, so come on lads. Or why not get some of the other zany weird characters from the old era again! Get your arses on chairs, brains in gear, and content into my inbox. Many thanks, HC Dear TPUK, I'm writing to complain about the state of my activism kit. You promised me the ability to question, challenge, and ﬁght back, but it looks like you've sent a treasure trove of pornographic smut rather than Ayn Rand books and 'socialism sux' stickers. I must say, while some of the reading material was certainly as high brow as I was expecting, the handcuffs were far too tight and the condoms were far too loose. Thatcher masks still appreciated. Yours, Right Wing Student

Hello Lemons, Just keeping you up to date. Unfortunatley, because I've been very busy trying to reshape the SPA in my image, I've not had time to write you any content. I just through it would be useful then to remind you that there's still that piece I sent you about Priti Patel. She's in the news still. And there's a few others actually, quite a few that you haven't got around to publishing yet. You'll hear from me soon. Reyrighouse

Letters

Dear The Lemon Press, HAS TLP'S CURRENT COMMITTEE, WITH BORDERLINE INFINITE FREE TIME DURING LOCKDOWN (EVEN MORE FREE TIME THAN THE UNTOLD DAYS THEIR USUAL PITIFUL SAD EXISTENCE PERMITS) ACTUALLY CONFORMED TO TLP CONSTITUTION AND CLEARED THE WRITER'S ROOM OF LONGSUFFERING ALUMNI? No. Alumni (trapped)

To Peter Get me a taxi I'm late for my plane. Minister Reinhardt

I wrote for The Lemon Press, and look what happened to me

Dear Alumni, Ahahahahahah Best wishes, The Editors To The Editors, You know just because a joke is niche, that doesn't make it 'satire'? Yours, Better Joke Writer

Harry Clay

To Better Joke Writer, Nah fuck off. Best wishes, The Editors Dear Mr. Clay I'm writing to inform you of the results of your tests. The details are as follows: Covid 19 - Positive Hepatitis B - Positive Alcohol poisoning - Positive RSI - Positive Please do get in contact to discuss the next steps, Yours, The NHS To the NHS, Positive means good news right? Best wishes, Mr Clay

Graduate Life: A Haiku Please, someone, hire me. I've no transferable skills. Life's gone a bit wrong. Alex Howarth

R.I.P. D‐Bar So. Farewell then D-Bar. You served drinks to the best of us, and the worst of us. Your sofas were soiled, and your toilets were disgusting, but at least you weren't V-Bar. Now we'll have to go somewhere else for our meetings. Harry Clay

Well, that's your lot

I'll horo your scope.

Cosmo Charles is away so, er... I'm filling in for now. Let's see what's in store ARIES (March 21 - April 19) The wind knocks you off your our feet some time one day. It'll hurt quite a bit at ﬁrst, but the pain will slowly dissapate through your body and leave you in peace. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) You start your day trading career. I mean, it's not really a career, but you've downloaded the Trading 212 app and started with real money so you're certainly on the way. You should probably set up a Discord as well to gather everyone together so you can share top tips'; Virgo. The more FTSE 100 execs you get in there the better. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) This is mine! That means you'll ﬁnd joy in starting a big new project, and discover peace with putting old ideas to bed. You'll probably start drinking again soon, but make sure you don't over do it straight away, or at least if you do, write some ideas for The Lemon Press while you're in the state of enlightenment. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) I'm sorry, it's terminal. Hah, just kidding, that's way too easy a gag. It's actually blood disease, and it's heredatory. Nasty way to go really, but let's face it, there are worse at the moment. You should probably take out some life insurance to leave any loved ones (not going to make any assumptions here) a little present for when you go. You even get a free pen when you sign up. LEO (July 23 - August 22) You're going to make a lot of new friends soon, and try your best to thrive in the new environment, but don't forget where you've come from (shit) or who is keeping tabs on your progress (HMRC). Wouldn't want to let them down.

kown? SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) Scorpio is honestly such an excellent name that I cannot say anything negative here. If someone called Scorpio walked in rn? man. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) You will win the next 10 games of Among Us you play, which is unfortunate, because you will then lose the next 50. Shame really, but you just keep acting sus. CAPRICORN ( December 22 - January 19) You have entered this page under the rather childish delusion that I have anything to say about your coming life, and you would understand what I said. AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) I mean, what do i say that hasn't already been said. I've told you before, you know. You've had all the advantages of the future that my kin can provide but have you listened? Absolutely not. You're no better than the maniac who added sarcophagus or whatever that other sign is. PISCES (February 19 - March 20) If you called to go on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, you would have got Donald Fear's place. Unfortunatley, he's a lot smarter than you and actually knew the questions. Now you will never be a millionaire or get on a beloved TV gameshow 'Serial' Killer Sudokuever.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) The lords of the under earth have granted you the power to survive the lake water. After consumption of three pints, you will grow a pair of specially designed gills that allow you to breath and eyes that let you see under the murky surface. Probably wise to use these powers for good and see if any of the rumours about what's under there are true. LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) Never met a Libra I liked. That's a lie, I've got no fucking idea who's a Libra. I guess you guys are meant to be born at the rightish time to succeed in life, so err, you are destined for greatness! Just try to keep things together for a few weeks you

Why not join us again some time

Puzzle Master Small

Puzzles and Horoscopes