The Lemon Press - Issue 48 by The Lemon Press

Part of this issue has been computergenerated.

Editors' Introduction It’s finally happened: editorial Harry Clay is no more, long live the new sarcastic, white, left-leaning guy anointed to replace him as captain of this satirical vessel. Hello there, I don’t believe we’ve met before, and until our editorial team is released from this prison underneath [REDACTED] we may be forced to speak like this for some time. Chris Small is still here too, frozen in deep storage until somebody needs to use an example of a mildly entertaining joke election candidate. So step aboard the maiden voyage through uncharted snarky waters, hold on for dear life, and remember when you scream for help that we’ll be screaming louder. This is also the first issue in a year that we have been able to print, in case you were wondering why rooms over campus are erupting in fits of laughter. This means that now you can physically touch our campus section, where we bring you reports of past initiations and future election rigging plans. You can rub your whole face against our coverage of News and Politics to feel the exclusive stories of Princess Diana’s gamer moments seeping into your pores. You can even take huge bites out of our special EURO 2020(1) spread and taste our insightful, wellinformed predictions that may or may not be out of date by the time you read this. What you choose to do with our other sections, such as letters to Spitebart’s agony uncle and the freshest advice from Financial Limes, is up to you; all we can say is that this issue has never been tested on humans, so we are not liable for any side effects. It has been a difficult year for student media, a difficulty lessened only by our writers not being allowed within 2m of any other media team, so as many publications come back blinking into the sunlight we want to offer a message of unity. We want everybody, man or woman, Nouse or Vision, to come together, point in the general direction of where ‘the world’ is, and laugh. For the whole thing is a joke, so instead of tearing your hair out in terror, join us as we have a bit of fun with it. But don’t laugh too much, as quite a lot of our content relies on you having a broadly-cynical view of the universe, and we’re not quite sure how to write anything else. If the screams, smells, and sights of this issue have not yet deterred you away, why not put that remarkable iron stomach to good use by joining our ranks? For just five hard-earned pounds you can join the only publication in town that allows you to openly take the piss out of popular figures and events without having to rely on nasty ‘facts’ or ‘unbiased reasoning’ or ‘quality control’. Most of us don’t bite, and the ones who do only get angry if you don’t appreciate their obscure references to ancient events. You’ll learn these in no time, and that education starts now, with this very issue. We hope you enjoy, or, at the very least tolerate, it. Daniel and Chris

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sports Letters, Poems & Horoscopes

pp 3‐8 pp 9‐16 pp 17‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐25 pp 26‐28 pp 29‐30

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Daniel Bennett and Chris Small Deputy Editors: Bex Scott and Harry James Sub Editor: Lucas Leﬂey Campus Editor: Daniel Bennett News & Politics Editors: Zeena Minstry and Bex Scott Lifestyle Editor: Bethan Hubbard Science & Tech Editor: Matt Higgins Arts Editor: Lucas Leﬂey Features Editor: Bex Scott Sports Editor: Alex Towells Illustrators: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and Various), and Harry Clay(Back Cover and Various), Daniel Bennett (Various) Chris Small (Various) Will Rowan (Various) President: Bethan Hubbard Treasurer: Dan Bennett Secretary: Will Rowan Vice-President: Alex Towells Social Secretary: Bethan Hubbard and Chris Small Ordinary Members: Harry Clay and Niall McGenity Contributors: James Rhodes, Reynard, Brighouse, Click Negg, Martin Petcher, Ashvini Rae, Abdu Ezgalei, Tom Holderness, Gregory Waddell Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 14th June 2021.

Hello snarkness my old friend, I'm here to shitpost with you again

Contents

Are we the mainstream media yet?

Quadruple‐Variant Trying too Hard to Fit in with rest of Flat A quadruple variant of COVID-19 is reportedly mutating in an effort to fit in with the rest of the flat. The original strain moved into the Alcuin block back in September, and admitted to struggling to fit in, often missing out on jokes due to being a nanometer-wide virus particle, and has gone to extreme lengths to be part of the gang. ‘We thought with the adaptation of the Goth spike that everything was fine’, said an anonymous flatmate. ‘People go through phases and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of darkness in this economy. Then, when a few of us mentioned we wanted to try out skateboarding one day, it decided to become a skater boy and do tricks off the kitchen table. The last thing you want to catch is a skateboarding goth particle flying towards you at 8am, so we all kept our distance. That’s where the most concerning variation emerged: the Zoom quiz strand. Every. Other. Day. It made another Facebook event, all of us added to it, sometimes one of us slipped up and opened the invitation and then the entire evening was lost. It was always the same questions, like ‘How good does it feel to stand within 6 feet of someone’ and ‘What’s your favourite reason to take your mask off in public?’ ‘We’re not quite sure what the current variation is, but it apparently involves both Bo Burnham and football podcasts. We just want to say to the virus: just be yourself, it’s okay if you stay a relatively-weakly spreading lifeform, you’ll find some people willing to accept you eventually for who you really are. Just stay away from us in the meantime please.’ We contacted the virus for comment and it has not stopped emailing us asking to meet up. Daniel Bennett

An Important Message from your Editors Occasionally when running a publication, even a more light-hearted magazine such as ours, there comes a time when a serious event penetrates the fourth wall between reader and writer that must be addressed. 9/11, the Kennedy Assassination, Diana’s passing, The Lemon Press was around for none of them, and our silence then was fitting of those occasions. However, today we stand fully-formed in a moment in history, and today we are loud, today we are united, and today we say to you, the reader: please stop making jokes about that long fucking duck. It is not even the most interesting waterfowl on campus. There’s a whole backstory about ruddy shelducks being released due to the campaign of a pirate-turned-resident-turned-Youtuber, and geese have the perfect detestable personality to make great antagonists in any satirical story. But alas, you people would rather spend your time laughing at and petting and making references to an overfed, half-sentient stick with a beak. Does he reflect some repressed trauma in you? Were 31,500 of you simultaneously bullied as kids for being too gangly, and now you subconsciously yearn to continue the cycle of bullying through pointing at this duck? We've all had sleepless nights, watching the coverage online and seeing him pop up everywhere. Alarm bells were ringing when he was spotted on Reddit, the relevant satirical authorities were alerted when he trended on Twitter, but no protocol could have prepared us for James Corden making an exasperated self-deprecating joke about being forced to mention it. For 48 publications making exasperated self-deprecating jokes about York has been our only purpose, so to have that done on the national stage by the comedic equivalent of a bottom-set toddler with a tube of Smarties has shaken us to our core. Like any truth, the best way to deal with it is to ignore it, so this issue will be the last time that duck is mentioned. Any writer who attempts to do a piece on it will be hunted down and shot,and any fresher who asks if we do jokes ‘about that funny long duck’ shall have their necks violently stretched lengthways and forced to show their family how funny having a long neck is. We have no desire to burn this entire publication to the ground just to prevent us being perceived as having a mainstream sense of humor, but we’ll do what we must to contain the spread. Unless we find something funny to say, to say in which case forget all of the above. Daniel 'Self Isolationist' Bennett and Chris 'Interfere with the Affairs of the Old World' Small

Campus

No unironic Goose jokes

For sale. Bachelor's degree. Never Used.

The TLP Guide to Rigging a University Election How often have you been following a YUSU election, only for your least favourite candidate to win? Well here’s the deal: if you’re really after sway then you’ve got to do more than just cast your ballot. But why not take peaceful political action through democratic campaigning, speaking to students, and leaﬂeting the shit out of campus, I hear you cry. Have you ever met the students who support the bad candidates? They’re mad, I tell you, completely bonkers, so you, the wise, selfappointed philosopher king of campus, have to take matters into your own hands, and we’ve compiled our top tips on how to topple your opponents when they next come down the line. First of all: you need campaign funds. There’s absolutely no limit as to how many people can stand in an election, or how seriously they’re forced to take it, so for this ruse you’ll need as many people as you can to get in on the deal, ideally within a media group or public-facing society. Then you all need to spend your entire YUSU pittance on advertising and sponsorship, maybe you’ve got an insider and they will let candidates sponsor individual letters to ensure there’s no limit to how many nominal backers you can get on a single page. If you get 30 people to cough up £30 budget, YUSU is obliged to give £900 to whatever group you got in on it. Maybe they get a nominal convenience fee, and then nab it into private accounts which can be put into the campaign. You have to be able to take advantage of a situation as well. Opportunities are created, but also occasionally presented, and you will lose if you don’t take them. For example, each voter has a login for an account they would use to vote with. If you were to… know those details, you quite literally control a larger voting block. It would be unethical for you to use computer trickery to try and source this information, but if a student hands it out? Well it’s your duty to use it. Of course, students would have to be mad to hand that out, and candidates even more so. Finally, the key to winning any campus election is shameless, shameless self promotion. Lecture shoutouts aren’t enough anymore, you’ve got to shout at Greg’s Place, or, better yet, from the top of Central Hall. Get more attention by standing on the very edge, crying and weeping. If your election run coincides with a local election, make sure to stand as a candidate there to get your sweet freepost across York. Break into student kitchens in the night to surprise them at breakfast time, canvas the private accommodation centers with leaﬂets in Mandarin and Cantanese. This is where your creativity can really take off, but be careful, this is where there’s the most opportunity for complaints to be lodged against you, so apply your self-promotion wisely. And, if you follow all these tips, you’re a shoe-in to get an underpaid, overworked position that makes you as cool as prog rock and adds a tumour to your CV. Harry Clay

Zoom Lectures to now Replicate the Smell

The University has heard your jokes about ‘even missing the smell of lectures’, and so in the unlikely/maybe/possibly/yeah-almost-deﬁnitely case of online teaching remaining in place for the 2021/22 academic year, each lecture will come with a ‘scratch and sniff card’ so you can get that full university experience. A selection of smells included are:

Who’s at the Student Media Gloryhole this Week? With diversity in student media ‘never having been… better’ according to Hack Jarvey, we went to the student media glory hole to ﬁnd out more. The great thing about this place (tucked away in cubicle 3 of Vanbrugh’s loos) is the breadth of people you meet. So many dicks pass through student media at York with such frequency, that after an afternoon at the hole you can barely keep up. They’re in one second, out the next, and in again; it’s a parade of phalluswaving. It’s in this kind of environment that signiﬁcant wipe down is needed. After a relaxing weekend at the student media glory hole, you’re left with the only thing left to swallow: the realisation that student media needs a jolly old clean up. Top to bottom reform. That's why I, Reynard, am recommending that we start from scratch elsewhere. Let’s build back better in a different city entirely. Welcome to my own bottomless pit, Coventry. Reynard

• The forever-present crisps, always providing a background ambience of salt and grease whether it be morning, noon, or evening. • A light linger of body sweat from both the overly-eager gym lads and over-perspiring students. • The fresh smell of a new paper pad, generated by a paper-scented sticker you brought when nostalgic for the innocent ﬁrst days of university. • Goose faeces, a smell you never really notice but you are well aware coates the shoes of at least 20% of the people in the hall. • Alcohol breath, a smell that a certain point transitions from making you despise the person with it to making you sit in awe that the person has managed to make it to a lecture. • The wholesome smell of chalk, buried under every other smell. So, whether you’re at home or in the air-tight cofﬁn of academia, you will not escape the smell of £9,250 well spent Daniel Bennett

Or Else

Campus

We're outlawed in two states (liquid, gas)

Diary Of The YUSU Staff Void Monday - I have been around long enough that I gained sentience today. Absolutely hate it. I’ve had the YUSU Staff running around me for months now, but apparently after a time even the absence of staff becomes part of the team, I have a lanyard and everything (well, I am literally just a ﬂoating lanyard). I was immediately shoved into a cupboard and wasn’t allowed out until I had completed 87 risk assessments. It took until midnight for me to be freed, only for a bunch of kids outside the ofﬁce to call me a wanker and pelt me with stones. Tuesday - We have begun planning for the student nightclub on campus. It’s an idea we have been building towards for years, and at the moment we have secured 20 empty VK bottles, a disco bal,l and the resident DJ Patrick. Well, Patrick has secured himself more than anything, blockading himself and a mixing desk inside the RKC and asking the entrapped staff ‘what have they posted, do they like me now, have they at least opened my message?’ We’ve had to use the wePOD system again, where all the college chairs say what Patrick should be saying until he returns to normal, they mimic his tone well enough but have severely increased the amount of bake sales he posts. Wednesday - Today did not go as planned. Our team had spent months organising a cross-union policy on guaranteeing a ceiling on student rent rises including mandatory freezes in any instance of further disrupted studies. It had taken a dozen zoom

calls but we had the support of 19 other unions while being publicly backed by MPs on both sides of the Commons. We were all set to meet the Universities Minister to make it a reality, but we had to delay it because last night one of our rugby teams did a cum drinking social. Two flyhalfs are in hospital and The Sun has got hold of the footage. Double every students rent I say, they clearly cannot be trusted with expendable income. Thursday - Managed to trick Meghan Markle into eating a poppy so now The Sun don’t have enough pages left to run the rugby story. Turns out this whole thing is a lark, if something is on fire you just set something bigger on fire to cover that fire up. In completely unrelated news Jeffrey has ordered us to set the Physics cube on fire by the next Vision deadline. Friday - The government has updated the rules to fight variants, so now any group together has to have a combined IQ below 1000. The logic was that if a group gets infected there will not be too much of a brain drain on the economy, however it means that we have had to put IQ tests outside every single place students might gather. At the moment this consists of me standing by doors asking students to complete Rick and Morty quotes, so the women’s toilets have never been cleaner and The Forest has become a hangout for C++ fans. Daniel Bennett

In Defence of Student Cooking We have heard a good deal of talk in recent years about the over subscription to British universities. It is well known that Blairism’s two worst faults, from a Brit’s point of view, is the selling of the gold and the ease to achieve a University place.

mention M&S pre-made triﬂe, wine, Wetherspoons mini warm cookie dough. THern an almost equally long list of tinned goods, tuna, soup, beans, beans with sausage, beans with mushrooms, beans with vegetarian sausages.

Both of these are due to mad stand for nothing politicians who will need a lot of quelling, including extensive institutionalisation. But there is one point on which public opinion may crush the New Labour dream for the better: I mean student cooking.

Then there are the variuos ways of cooking potatoes that are perculiar to our own kind. Where else do you see someone who can roast a potato, which is far and away the best way of cooking them, held up to the height of god.

It’s commonly said, even by students themselves, that student cooking is the worst in the world. It is supposed to be not merely tastefully disgusting, but also visually repugnant, and I even read quite recently in a Yorker sponsored article by Efes, the remark: ‘The best student cooking is, of course, Efes.’

It is not a law of nature that every student in England should either eat poisoned or out of date food, and the ﬁrst step towards an improvement will be greater numbers of foreign students in the British univeristy system. Harry 'Where's Catalonia' Clay

Now that is simply not true, as anyone who has lived in a prison will know, there is a whole host of delicacies which are quite impossible to obtain outside of campus kitchens. First of all, frozen bread, frozen pizzas, huge vats of pasta sauce that has at least one out of date ingredient in. Then a list of puddings would be interminable if i gave it in full: I will pick out for special

Campus

Oh No

We're too cool to be invited to the Love York Awards

Unsuccessful Society Initiations The Freud-Debating Initiation - To prove that students weren’t trying to join Fetsoc for a joke or to purely get laid, the very serious society had a very serious initiation where two students had to perform an hour long debate on the theories of Sigmund Frued’s 1927 ‘Fetishism’ paper. Ordinary enough, however, the catch was that everyone else in the room had to take a shot every time they felt ‘a bit weirded out’ to weed out some of the freshers. This ended up with three hospitalisations, all of them long-time members, and was never done again. Ultimate Frisbee vs Quidditch Initiation - A surprising number of students struggle to pick between playing Ultimate Frisbee and Quidditch, much like how Bella had to choose between Edward and Edward-but-on-a-broomstick. So to make freshers choose, the two teams were made to play each other at their respective sports with the winner keeping the freshers. This went as well as you would expect, a 30-person bloodbath of typically-unsporty people releasing a reserve of untapped anger to beat the living shit out of everyone on the pitch. The two now have to be separated by police guard and shall never mix again. The Soviet Initiation - In order to never repeat the initiation that ranks first on York's “worst publicly-known sports socials” and as high as 15th on York's “worst sports socials”, the Hockey team decided on a new initiation based around the people who defeated the Nazis; Soviet Russia! How could anyone on the team be called a Nazi after spending a night chugging pure vodka out of a ushanka and intellectually fingering someone in Salvos with theories on Marxism? Well unfortunately the night of communism worked too well, and the team lost half their members who left to make their main hobby being weird about Chinese authoritarianism on Twitter. The Definitely-Not-A-Podcast Initiation - Every year URY is flooded with new members wanting to make their own ‘podcasts’, when URY is a radio show that absolutely doesn't just do live podcasts, no, where on earth do you people get this impression from? So to separate the weak podcast kids from the strong radio kings, each new member was forced to convert Joe Rogan’s podcast into a radio format and James O’Brien’s radio show into a podcast. The freshers failed, the committee failed, they all failed. In your hearts you all know why. True Law Initiation - Lawsoc, the place for real lawyers, no pretenders welcome. The freshers were framed for a number of unknown crimes, chucked in a jail cell and had to argue their way out of it. A fun idea, but the crimes were picked randomly from a hat, so some combinations got interesting. The lucky freshers got out of a trespassing and littering charge with merely a fine, whilst one especially unlucky guy emerged from York Crown Count a month later clutching the diorama of a sheep's head, a can of gasoline and a shotgun having finally proved his innocence. The initiation was permanently canceled after it turned out he was only visiting and managed to get away with his crimes. Daniel Bennett

Students Regret Nothing after Spending Maintenance Loans on Roman Coins

Top 5 Places to Create a Gloryhole on Campus Whenever I imagine the University of York campus from my graduate student bunker, some places stick in my mind. The Bins Behind Nisa: Hot, sticky, and filled with vermin, the bins behind Nisa are a perfect place to get your groove on and pick up some non-sexual infections while you're at it. Check out our review of this place in issue 44. A Drain in Halifax: this option provides a tighter fit for the discerning glorhole conneiseur. Expect added fun when some of the silverfish get in on the action. A Derwent Seminar Room Projector: if you're nimble enough, you can get in on the hot bulb action by limbering up to the ceiling. Just make sure to keep yourself up while you're keeping it up. The Tap at The Lakeside Tap: Rearrange your own guts by jamming yourself into a tap. Turn on the stream (and maybe some steam?) for extra pressure and a steaming finish.

A Discarded Bottle: Remove Why spend money on shitty university accommodation when you can buy Roman coins instead? one end you've got a portable This is a pertinent question plaguing thousands of students up and down the country robbed of the multi-use, multifarious, multinormal university experience. With nowhere decent to piss away their money on alcohol, ancient orgasmic hole. Enjoy! coins remain the only solace in a world robbed of every other ordinary pleasure. But how far can Reynard this addiction go? Well, you could hop on the trend of using your student loans to buy a load of coins. Trust me, it’s what all the cool kids are doing. Spend that government loan on shiny coins and worry about the consequences later. When the debts pile up, offer to pay them back in denarii. What’s the worst that can happen? Homelessness? Who cares! Not when you’ve got the coolest coin collection this side of the Humber! James Rhodes

Not Again

Campus

God we hope you still find the joker reference funny

Bacteria in Student’s Coffee Cup Just Happy to See Rest of House on Final Journey

Has Charlie Jeffery been caught Dogging? Not yet at the time of publication

In a bittersweet moment for all involved, the sentient bacteria sitting in university student Emily Jackson’s coffee cup for a year said it was just ‘happy to see the rest of the house’ on it’s second and final journey through the 4 bedroom let. In an exclusive interview the remaining bacteria on the now-binned mug told The Lemon Press ‘I think it was the first week here when Emily finished half a cup and somehow I ended up right under the bed between a few big boxes. It was a cozy gig, I will always be grateful for the opportunity to do so much personal growth, but what really made it was the memories that me and Emily made overhearing everything going on out there.’

Brighouse

‘I had heard so much about these people in the house so it was really nice to finally see them all. All the fights, the make-ups, the admission of still hating them once out of earshot, a year of that makes you think you know people and to be honest I was shocked by some people’s reactions. Like Jessica, she full on screamed when she saw me, but you didn’t hear me screaming when she brought over Jo’s boyfriend for a ‘chat’ at 2am, did you? At times my lack of vocal cords was the only thing keeping this house together, so a bit of gratitude would’ve been nice.’ ‘Emily disappointed me most. She was horrified that I hadn’t left her room all year, and I wanted to say, girlie, you haven’t left your room this year either, but like always I just kept silent and took her shit like the good friend I thought I was. Honestly? I thought we had built up a really special relationship over those nights, so to be gagged at, held at arms length and boiled alive in water for an hour really hurt me, emotionally. Physically I mean it barely tickled, I think she found it as hard to get rid of me as I found it to get over her.’ Daniel Bennett

Will Rowan

Starmer Arranges Leeds Trip, Approval Ratings Soar

Certiﬁed Lad of the Realm Sir Keir Starmer received a rare approval ratings boost after arranging a 'big night out' to Leeds for the end of June. The +20 point gain was attributed to this absolute legend showing The Government how it’s done by booking approximately 10 minibuses and getting a few club entry passes for the party capital of the world (Leeds, UK), a move which sources said ‘showed exactly how shit the government are, they couldn’t do anything like this so it took little underdog Keir to do it with a little help from a few giant social media pages. The clubs to be visited went through a rigorous think tank process, and after several months it was agreed the group should just stay in Pryzm the whole night to not cause too much change. ‘Pryzm is a fucking safe adult club for sensible adult partygoers’ commented a drinking-helmet-donned Ian Dunt ‘and what we fucking need right now after an absolute cunt of a year is a safe, predictable night in fucking Pryzm, we’ll get three Jagarbombs, have a kebab afterwards and be on the coach home by 2am alright?’ The success of this evening will ideally pave the way for future politician-led nights out; Rory Stewart has been a long-time advocate of 'walking into town while doing pre-drinks', however whilst an entertaining walk it has never led to him getting let into any noticable clubs. The morning after frequently involved him waking up in a bin, covered in quills to the news of a regional hedgehog shortage. Daniel Bennett

Campus

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THE HOT TOPIC ‐ Oxford Students Tore Down The Queens Picture, So What Should York Students Tear Down? This wall, Mr Gorbachev Ashvini Rae ‐ Number One Capitalism Supporter

The Swiss Confederation. We'll ﬁnish what Gaddaﬁ started. Tom Holderness

UNTIL THE FLAMES LICK BLACKENED CHAR ‘CROSS THE PAINTED NAPE OF THIS WHORE ROYAL I SHALL NOT REST. CAST THIS CURSED LIKENESS TO THE HEAT AND FOLLOW UP WITH MOUNTAIN UPON MOUNTAIN OF PORTRAIT AND LANDSCAPE ALIKE. BURN ALL THAT ADORNS EACH WALL AND VESTIBULE, LEST OUR EYES CAST UPON ANY IMAGE BUT GOD GIVEN NATURE. I SAYETH, WITH GUST AND MOLLY, THAT ALL PICTURES FAMILIAL BE DESTROY’D AND THAT BY FIRE OR FIRE IT BE DONE WITH HASTE. Also a duck. Gregory Waddell Koen Lamberts Abdu 'Koen Lamberts' Ezgalei Tear down the law and management building and replace it with the Gaming Thunderdome we crave and deserve. It will be a ﬁtting tribute to the legacy of eSports and certainly a most respectful place. Will 'Vision's Gamer Editor' Rowan

Just tear another Queen portrait down again, please, it's the only way I can feel anything these days Prince Charles

A photo of the Vice-Chancellor, please, it's the only way I can feel anything these days 'Big Chezza'

Report ‐ Geese Still Angry Once Tickled

Divorced Dad Society Ratified

A report carried out just minutes ago concluded that angry geese are not calmed down by tickling. The research, performed by one student, used a variety of techniques in an urgent processon, and found that even a good natured tickle on the neck will make a goose more furious. The hypothesis was formed after the student had watched peers lose physical and psychological battles with scorned geese and wanted to ﬁnd a new way to deescalate the situation, yet the recent absence of the students ring ﬁnger proved tickling did not achieve this.

Divorced Dad Society (DDS) is the latest and greatest society to be ratiﬁed by the esteemed societies committee. DDS is set to be a ‘respectful place’ for dads on campus to come together and chat about their YouTube recommended lists in a comfortable environment.

The status quo. Stalin tore it down, and rebuilt it, he was radical and popular. If we reject the current status quo of people being allowed to live over 60 and instead burn them for fuel, it wouls be radical, popular, economic, and satisfactory. Harry Clay A portrait of Camila Parker Bowles. Because let's be honest, we all dreamed about getting a picture of the queen, then when we couldn't quite get that we tried Charles or Diana, before settling for Camila because hey at least it's in a nice looking frame. So you smile and you tear down that goddamm Camila portrait, if you're lucky they'll let you tear down the Diana one in four years Daniel 'Never Even Took The Admissions Test' Bennett

The technique of doubling down and going for an extra aggressive tickle, while useful in the clown and massage profession, does not help ease tensions (hence the the short lived career of Bruce the Goose Masseuse). Additionally saying ‘tickle tickle tickle!’ in a high pitched baby voice, instead of adding an extra layer of comedy to de-escalate the situation, just makes the goose think it is being attacked by a fucking idiot and so becomes more determined to murder you. This act also tended to make any onlooker side with your attacker, leading to one attack’s witness forming a loose truce with a goose (as reported in Nouse). Daniel Bennett

@thelemonpress

Commenting on the matter, YUSU recognised a clear need for a place for divorced dads to meet other divorced dads on campus. In fact, the spectre of dad’s rights still haunts the Students’ Union. An exiled activities officer told The Lemon Press, ‘This is the most pressing issue of the moment. Sometimes you have to turn down an offer of long-term stable marriage and Go Your Own Way. I’m a big fan.’ The society is finding significant financial support from the Divorced Dad Union, spearheaded by a future divorced version of Toby Young who came back in time to warn us that dudes rock and ‘if she couldn’t handle me at my Free Speech Union she doesn’t deserve me at my Divorced Dad Union’. Will Rowan

Campus

The Lemon Press: proof not all journos went to oxbridge

‘There Were Three of Us in This Twitch Stream’: Bashir Admits Faking Footage of Princess Diana’s Gamer Meltdowns The journalist and BBC correspondent Martin Bashir has confessed that large parts of the Twitch.tv footage used to obtain an interview with Princess Diana was faked, admitting that the late Princess of Wales would never use such vile language while gaming. In the famous interview, Bashir asked if Diana regretted her choice of words during her Dark Souls speedruns, and whether or not such heated gamer moments had a place in the gaming community. The interview not only called Diana’s gamer skills into question, but also stimulated thoughtprovoking discussions about the royal family’s role in modern Britain. However, the footage of her royal highness, apparently in ﬁts of intense gamer rage, were recently discovered to be deepfakes. The investigation that followed resulted in the resignation of Bashir from the BBC and the revived adoration of Diana by streamers all over the world. James Rhodes

A message from Cummings Awooga Awooga *eyes pop out of sockets at ARPA/PARC systems management, heart beats out of chest as HR is put onto a bonﬁre, brain swells to new super-galactic size, takes cricket bat to smash it back down, Corbyn-Sturgeon pact being crushed causes atomic bomb to explode under feet, substack subscriptions skyrocket me into outer space where ISS and satellites ping me back down, tongue rolls out of mouth as a red carpet for Michael Gove to waltz down, mimes combing hair back on bald head, takes off tie and belt, untucks shirt* Ahem, yes I can provide evidence for my comments made only under parliamentary privilege.

David Cameron's Application for Emergency Student Support Fund Rejected Ex prime-minister and ﬁnancial wizard David Cameron has put in a claim for £500 of the latest emergency student support fund. After Cameron’s failed attempts to lobby for Greensill Capital for ‘Covid loans’, he’s striking a new groove. It’s believed that Cameron is using his time to draw on all potential funds from students nationwide. It’s a continuation of his Greensill days and his time as prime minister. However, once again, no amount of shmoozing could get Cameron in on the hard cash. He's going to have to delve deeper. Student Finance England had to reject a further claim Cameron placed for ‘as much maintenance loan as you can give me, dc x’. This man simply won’t stop until his shed has had its 50 lashes of paint. Will Rowan

Build‐a‐Bear Announce Margaret Thatcher Bear. International toy company, Build-a-Bear, have announced the release of their new themed bear - Margaret Thatcher. Following the success of their Marvel, Star Wars, and Harry Potter lines, Build-a-Bear have announced Margaret Thatcher as the ﬁrst Bear in their Girl Boss line. The bear comes with a Thatcher-esque wig, iconic blue suit with pussy-bow, and stolen milk. The bear is set to be released on April 13th to commemorate Thatcher's death. York Tories are currently in negotiations with Build-a-Bear to try and get the bear made with 'special features'. The next bear in the series is rumored to be Marine Le Pen. Bethan Hubbard 9

News & Politics

Harry Clay

The real reason why Boris and Carrie’s wedding was held in secret

Lockdown easing delayed due to the keyholder losing the key

There has been some speculation about the timing of Boris Johnson’s wedding to Carrie Symonds, and why it was held with relatively little fanfare, and forewarning. However, it has now come to light that it was held in secret to help keep away Westminster’s biggest cuckold, Harry Cole. As a measure of appeasement to the broken Sun political editor, the newly-wed couple sent journalists some wedding pictures, giving Mr Cole some material for his much needed cry-wank. Chris Small

Whilst everyone has been waiting for the end of restictions, and dismayed by the rumours of the June 21st date being pushed back by a month, the Lemon Press understands that it’s because Boris’ Johnson’s keyholder, and by extension the nations keyholder has lost the key. The keyholder, who wishes to remain anonymous, D C******s from county Durham, has said the he’s not going to put any effort into ﬁnding the key until more people subscribe to his substack. Reynard

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New Cities

The Boundary review: What you need to know

One of the many perks of Lizzy 2 still being not dead, aside from the potential to throw France out of any form of purpose or recognition, is that we get a load of new cities. The upcoming Platinum Jubilee will present yet another opportunity for a ‘biggest dumps of England’ tour, so The Lemon Press will be making a number of applications on behalf of non-cities to try and throw in some gems to the mix. Godmanchester: An obvious contender here, the town names itself after a city but better, lies on the river of the ‘Great’ Ouse, and its Morrisons car park is a better dogging spot than anything Hull can throw at it. As a repeated host of Songs of Praise, it has an international tourism industry beckoning, and also has strong ties with Germany after imprisoned nuclear scientists were kept there after the war.

That's a 4

That's deﬁnitley boundary

not

Biggleswade: Twice winner of the prestigious ‘Two Ronnies Place Name Gag Crutch’ award, this old market town would make a phenomenal addition. It has everything else other UK cities have had, a ‘great fire’, a Wetherspoons, and a whole host of nobodies who live there hoping nobody will ever find them. Its public transport network is already overstretched and underfunded so it’ll blend right in. All Market Towns: Any town starting with ‘Market’ will become a fully fledged city. Market Bosworth will become Bosworth, Market Drayton will become Drayton, and to avoid confusion, Market Weighton will be abolished to prevent recognition. Newport: This is naturally referring to Newport Shropshire, which should be given the promotion purely in spite of everyone living in Newport on the Isle of Wight.

And York is deﬁnitely still doughnut shaped. Chris Small

Google: This option has been sponsored by the Labour Party, hoping that by turning Google into a city, it can solidify the red wall. They’re planning to create huge amounts of inner-city urban areas to impoverish, and a huge amount of industry to abandon. Labour insider sources have told The Lemon Press that they’re expecting Starmer to ‘shoot up’ publically in order to win-over voters, but it’s not clear what exactly is being referred to. Wellington: Purely in remembrance of Christopher Plummer who played the aforementioned Duke in the hit 1970 ﬁlm, Waterloo. Barnard Castle: ha, haha… aren’t we funny [Don’t answer that- Eds.]. If cities are oversubscribed, we happily propose the demotion of all garden cities to ‘nuclear missile calibration targets’. Harry Clay

Alec Guinness to Build New Bridge Over the Ouse

Niall McGennity

City of York Council (COYC) led by council leader/emperor HiroKeitho have decided a new bridge over the Ouse is needed, and have decided to enlist the help of Alec Guinness, in character as Colonel Nicholson from The Bridge on the River Kwaii. Whilst the corpse of Alec Guinness won’t do any work himself, as befits his character’s status as an officer, he will do his best to thwart the sabotage from opposition councillors, who wish to thwart COYC’s plans, and will inevitably be about half as effective in doing so as the council itself. Some regular council onlookers have been incredulous about the whole plan, doubting that it would be the council that would want to build anything at all. However, they do find that getting someone who refuses to do any work himself is much more credible behaviour from the council. Chris Small

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News & Politics

Left Out (on the shelves at Waterstones)

Tragedy: Your Worst Enemy Is Also Surviving Through a Global Pandemic Sit down for this one, because we have received some troubling news: it turns out that, alongside most people in the world, your worst enemy has worked and lived through a global pandemic. The story broke amidst inspiring stories about how everyone has been dealing with the unusual events of the past year, with a source close to the story saying, 'It’s amazing enough that you are surviving through a global pandemic that nobody expected or has lived through before, but then again Steve is also doing the exact same thing and he's a cunt. So if that makes you strong then it also makes Steve strong, when he clearly wasn't strong enough to not sleep with your ex three days after you broke up.’ Insiders suggested your worst enemy also coped with the lockdown in annoying similar yet worse ways, like making banana bread but only using the first recipe that they found because they are a lazy corner-cutting shit who always wanted to take the easy way to things like his ‘third date surprise’ literally just being a fucking Big Mac and Netflix after you spent hours organising the first two. You and him having such a shared experience does create a troubling precedent where you may have to feel good about your achievements in their own rights, rather than in comparison to someone else's. However, you can instead take comfort from the fact the two of you did not go through this pandemic on equal footing, as experts have hypothesized that Steve could have purchased some additional mental strength from that money you lent him 5 years ago and never got back. There is an upside to this though, as now you can revel in the sense of superiority that their lockdown was made worse by them hurting over missing you every day... Probably. I bet in that engagement photo there’s a secret sign of his laughable longing for you, if you look at it for the thousandth time I’m sure you’ll find it. Daniel Bennett

Tiger Disowned After Admitting He ‘Wanted To Eat’ Owners Face Mark Park, 41, announced this week that he had disowned his pet tiger after it had admitted to wanting to eat his face. Mr Park, whose entire face was bitten off by the tiger last month, told The Lemon Press, 'I'm furious. Me and that tiger have been together through thick and thin, even if there were minor blips like that time he bit off my entire face, but these recordings of him admitting to ﬁnding my face tasty have ruined that relationship forever.’ Wiping tears from where his eyes would have been, Mark said, 'I just thought that the tiger slipped and accidentally got its teeth stuck in my cheeks, the poor thing had been so busy recently, we all do stupid things when we're stressed.’ Yet his views changed upon seeing the tiger speak about wanting to eat his face, on the public Youtube channel ‘hungrytigerrr’, in a video titled ‘1.5M SPECIAL - I’M FINALLY DOING IT (#ManMeatMuckbang)’. ‘Looking back, the hours a day he spent licking my face was a dead giveaway, he always said he was giving me face-licks in order to get the ﬂeas off me but I was never really itchy, and now I’m wondering about all those other lies he could’ve told me. He always said he was a Hemingway fan, yet now I’m thinking differently about all those baby shoes under his bed.’ At time of writing Mark had allowed the tiger to move back in, after a story broke on tiger.net that a group of bears planned to move into the neighborhood. Daniel Bennett

News & Politics

DUDES ROCK Campsite Opens A partnership between Butlins and the Divorced Dad Association has gotten off to a fantastic start with the opening of DUDES ROCK: a campsite for present and future divorced dudes. Patrons will be able to experience nightly camp-site chats and the communal shower experience for just £5 a night. All tents are fully equipped with Twitter access, copies of The Sun, and a complementary can of deodorant. There's never been a better place or time to meet other dudes and have a chill time. It's a place for dudes who truly rock. Will Rowan

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Anecdote One Degree Of Separation Too Long ‘It’s a funny story, my brother’s ex-girlfriend had a mate who...’ said an elated James Stapbruh, seconds before realizing the anecdote he was about to share had one too many degrees of separation from himself to be used. The 24 year old made the bold decision to use the story 30 minutes into a lively group discussion that he was ‘in real danger of becoming a bystander in’, during which a tangent about ships gave James an excellent opportunity to mention that a friend of his brother’s former ﬁancé hosted a party the Evergeen’s captain went to the night before the boat got stuck. Tragically, however, James had used too many names at the start of the story and lost half the room before the anecdote’s hooks could take hold. ‘You could just hear it in his voice’ an onlooker told The Lemon Press, ‘He had to pause for breath before he could mention the boat, after that point he just lost conﬁdence and never quite recovered. He could have pulled the story off if his previous contributions had made any impact, but in all honesty the group was just waiting to get back to one of Marcus’ cat rescue stories.’ The anecdote’s failure could have longer term implications for James, who planned to weaponise the tale at a party a friend from out of town had invited him to. A lack of backup anecdotes had been blamed on the year-long lockdown, but this failed to explain a similar drought before then, during which he'd been forced to exaggerate about an interaction with Matt le Tissier just to survive a particularly strenuous barbeque. Daniel Bennett

Ian Paisley 3 Announced The third Installment of the Ian Paisley franchise has been announced by the totally legitimate ﬁlm production wing of the DUP, which deﬁnitely isn’t a front for loyalist paramilitary groups. It is understood that Ian Paisley 3: North Antrim drift would see a return to the more explosive elements of the original Ian Paisley, such as participating in paramilitary organisations, and violence against civilians. It is not yet known who will play the title character in Ian Paisley 3. but rumoured names include Arlene Foster, the reanimated rotting corpse of the original Ian Paisley, the reanimated even more rotted corpse of Sir Charles Trevelyan, the reanimated corpse of Paul Walker, or Edwin Poots (depending on how quickly he is sacked for being an idiot). Ian Paisley 3 will be in Cinemas some time before James Bond: No time to Die. Chris Small

Nivea Unveil 48 Hour Hand Sanitiser ﴾FOR MEN﴿ Following the success of their 48 hour antiperspirant, Nivea have sought to change up the hand sanitiser ﬁeld with their latest innovation. Nivea Men's 48 Hour Hand Sanitiser is for the man in your life who can't be sanitising their hands after every time they sign a communal visitors’ book, attend an illegal rave, or go to the loo. It's a game changing formulation that pledges to offer antibacterial protection for 'up to' 48 hours. It's for the man with ﬁngers in many pies, and too little time to sanitise in-between. Will Rowan

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Good News ‐ It’s Not Seasonal Affective Disorder! Bad news - the weather is lovely today. Daniel Bennett

News & Politics

If you've ever read the Lemon Press, don't worry about whats in the vaccine

Report ‐ Really Bad Luck: Every Hinge Matches' Parents Are Coming Up June 21st In a really unfortunate turn of events, every single one of Rob Brackall’s Hinge dates are all busy being visited by their parents on June 21st. The phenomena must be like that birthday paradox thing, however instead of a group of 23 people sharing birthdays, it is a select group of 11 matches all spending the first day of freedom with the people they spent most of the lockdown with. ‘I suppose I just have a type, family-orientated promise-keepers’ said Robert, who had only swiped left on four girls in the whole of 2021. The fishing and cuddling enthusiast was a victim of rare odds when each one confirmed that the parents were ‘coming from a far away country, yeah you were right my name does sound a bit foreign ahaha’. After the 21st the situation looks more promising but in constant fluctuation, with each match not being too sure how long their parents will be up for to be honest, but reassured Robert that ‘like I said earlier I will let you know when I’m free’. In a statement to his mirror, Robert said, ‘It’s just a shame about the backlog that may happen through July, I may have to turn a few of them down now, they all said they’ve heard of Joe Rogan so maybe we could just rent a cinema room and watch a few episodes together? I just don’t want all my hard work to go to waste.’ Daniel Bennett

UN Announces It Has ‘Lost Trinidad’ In the last hour, the UN has announced that it has ‘lost Trinidad’. A statement was released to the Associated Press, signed by the Secretary General, simply saying, ‘During a weekly routine check, the United Nations discovered that it had lost Trinidad. Oh shit.’ The admin of the ofﬁcial United Nations Representatives Whatsapp Group realised shortly after that they had added a representative for Trinny Woodall’s father by mistake, and therefore nobody in the organization is able to phone the country. More information as we receive it. Daniel Bennett

Local Man Leaves Imaginary Girlfriend to Marry Imaginary Wife A local man has stated his intentions to leave his imaginary girlfriend effective immediately. In an email to his spam list, he disclosed that he’d had a better offer and would be moving imminently. However, have no fear for his imaginary wife or the local man. The local man stated his intention to continue to satisfy his imaginary wife to the best of his abilities for the remaining month of his contract. Meanwhile, the local man has been offered a long term imaginary contract to marry his imaginary wife. He is reported to be doing ‘very well indeed’. A. Reynard

Trump Launches ‘Groundbreaking’ New Wix Site Jack Dorsey screamed and Twitter’s share price just tanked on the news that Trump’s back with a new ‘communications’ platform in partnership with the free website builder, Wix. It’s a move that’s got Conservative circles salivating as Trump stakes his claim to the media landscape after his ‘cancellation’ following his Weebly free trial lapsing. In a promotional video watermarked by Wix’s logo, Trump hails the ‘terriﬁc ﬂexibility of Wix - it’s the future folks. Some said I couldn’t do it… and some couldn’t say whether they could say I could but I did could… I did good folks’. With Trump’s endorsement, it’s believed that Wix could take on Gab and be the new home of the Conservative movement. What’s not yet apparent is how the Liberals can keep up. More as we get it. Will Rowan

Everyone who enjoyed Bo Burnham’s netflix special Inside to be given free antidepressants In an attempt to reduce the backlog in depression diagnoses the NHS is trialling a groundbreaking new method of mass testing groups of possibly depressed individuals. The method is to sit all of them down to watch the new Bo Burnham show. And everyone who enjoyed it will be given a sertraline prescription as a precaution, until further testing can be conducted. Bex Scott

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News & Politics

I was the future once

Some of our alumni are even employed

Sweeny Todd’s Barbers Rack Up 45 Thousand Pounds in Fines Sweeny Todds’s Bishopthorpe Road branch has racked up a large ﬁne for contravening public health regulations by refusing to wear a face mask when killing his clients. City of York Council ofﬁcials have expressed concern at the possibility of the clients receiving COVID, before being murdered. When asked for comment, Sweeny Todd pointed at the notice on the door claiming that under magna carta it is his right to kill his clients on his property. It is also alleged that Mr Todd has renamed his barbers to Sweeny Todd’s Qbarbers out of support for the Qanon movement. City of York Council has also tried blocking up the entrance to the barbershop with large sandbags, but the bags have disappeared, and the shop next door appears to be selling meat pies that contain a lot of sand, completely coincidentally of course.

Chris Small

Sheep Lost on Mountain A sheep lost for three years near Salisbury has been found, having grown legs three times the size of normal. Now looking like something out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting, the freak sheep was caught strolling the hills of Old Sarum scaring cattle. Bodies of birds were found, assumed to have taken the animal for a cloud and tried to fly straight through it, but finding a fluffy, fleshy barrier instead. A local farmer told The Lemon Press that incidents like this have been increasing over the past two or three decades, although the farmer admitted that he didn’t live in the area, know the area, know anything about the incident, or know what The Lemon Press was. DEFRA has told TLP that the incident is unrelated to the Porton Down facility nearby, and there definitely isn’t a project going on to grow the legs of animals for amusement.

Harry Clay

Top ten former prime ministers I think would most likely to be anti vaxxers 1) Spencer Perceval, Prime Minister 1809-1812 having been assassinated once he is very wary of all types of shots. 2) Anthony Eden, Prime Minister 1955-1957. After his mistakes handling the suez crisis he stayed away from anything involving liquids for the rest of his life. 3) Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, Prime Minister 1885-1886, 1886-1892 and 1895-1902. So committed to his doctrine of ‘splendid isolation’ he doesn’t want anything forigen in his body. 4) William Pitt the younger, Prime Minister 1783-1801 and 18041806, was told that vaccines caused King George III’s illness and as such doesn’t want to risk it. 5) Henry John Temple, Prime Minister 1855-1858 and 1859-1865. Following his role in the opium wars he became incredibly wary of everything coming out of China, and does not believe that the corona virus is real. 6) William Lamb, Prime Minister 1834 and 1835-1841. Following another sex scandal he is being blackmailed by one of the men he cucked into not taking the vaccine. 7) Frederick North, Prime Minister 1770-1782 in an attempt to make up for his terrible administration that led to the american colonies gaining independence he will adopt the far right views of some of their population in an attempt to rebuild diplomatic ties. 8) Henry Campbell-Bannerman, Prime Minister 1905-1908, as the last Liberal leader to lead his party to an absolute majority he chose to become anti-vaccination in a doomed attempt to raise his party’s proﬁle. 9) Ramsay MacDonald, Prime Minister 1929-1935, due to the Trade Union Congress being unable to reach a consensus he opted against vaccinations in order to be on the safe side of the congress. 10) Thomas Pelham-Holmes, Prime Minister 1757-1762. As a frankly overall mediocre man, and Prime Minister, he would adopt an anti-vaccine position in a desperate attempt to gain some media attention. It will fail, and he will lose his seat at the next election. Honourable mentions: i) Pitt the even younger, scared of needles so won't be getting one ii) Pitt the glint in the milk mans eye, does not yet have enough sentience to form an opinion Bex Scott

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At least I don't have Gout

News & Politics

Social sec? More like social sex

GB News Launches Educational Programming Having already gobbled up the BBC’s market share on Conservative-socialising gammon, GB News is now launching an educational daytime TV slot to teach REAL topics to REAL children. 10am - Science with Ben Shapiro. Women’s biology expert Benjamin Shapiro will be educating you about the suspiciouslydry birds and factually-debunked bees. It’s okay parents, he won’t teach your kids anything inappropriate, he literally knows less than your 5 year olds. 11am - Double PE With the Millwall Football Squad. Kick Marxism out of football with the coaching of the Millwall first team. Learn how to tackle the weaker boys, call the bigger boys horrible slurs and find peace with mid-table Championship mediocrity. 1pm - Lunch Hour, with Andrew Neil. No learning to be done here, just an hour-long chat with the hardest interviewer on television. Ohhh he’s one hard interviewer is our Neil, an absolutely bullish attitude to calling out basic facts written in front of him before allowing his newspaper’s opinion columns to justify all the worst arguments put forward in said interviews. 2pm - Drama with Andrew Doyle . Learn the art of acting from the man who has dedicated his life to portraying fictional oppression, from ‘what if your dad was a news reporter’ to ‘what if your dad distanced himself from a version of your dad who was a news reporter’ to ‘what if your dad got his voice put inside a woman’. Daniel Bennett

Will 'York's Writer of The Year 2019/2020' Rowan

Personal News Klaxon Broke

Sorry journalists, we’ve just found out the official Twitter announcement klaxon has broken. We were just looking for it the other day after one of our more senior writers got a job doing the bins for the Daily Express offices, only to find the thing broken in two after a large number of internship offers got released at the same time. We do not know if the klaxon broke from overuse, from a scrap over who got to use it next, or whether it just fell apart from embarrassment, but what we do know is that it’s an absolute bastard to put back together. It turns out the compressed air used to get a career-related tweet over double the usual number of likes is incredibly rare, and only ever found up the backsides of other mid-twenties freelancing journalists. Even though our publication prides itself on manufacturing hot air on a termly basis, we quite simply do not have any graduate freelancing journalists hovering around our offices that we can ask. Absolutely none whatsoever. It’s almost unbelievable . Twitter is offering users alternative announcement instruments, such as the Must-Take-Maracas to shake when one takes a job at a morally-dubious media entity as a necessary step on the long road to being a career journalist (be warned that this instrument can occasionally summon the very worst people, so use only in very limited circumstances). We expect it to be fully fixed within the month, so unfortunately you will have to go without it for the next 2/3 ‘very rare personal news from me’ posts. The situation may be fraught, but in the meantime please do not resort to posting that big journo job news to Facebook; it would break your mother's heart to see the cynical in-jokes fired at you in the comments below it. Daniel Bennett

News & Politics

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Happy Father's day, we're also disappointed in you

Matt Hancock App Cover‐up Regular users of the Matt Hancock app have been dismayed today to find that a regular feature has been removed from their interface. The ‘Lock Up Harwood’ button, previously available to all app users has disappeared after the last update, without any mention of it in the official patch notes or in any information published by the app. The function of the ‘Lock Up Harwood’ button has always been scrutinised as unclear and unknown, as the app has never officially stated what it is. Some believe the app refers to arresting Tom Harwood, with each press of the button sending an additional police car to his house or place of work. Others have different ideas. Keen users of the app have already found a bypass to the change, as anyone who has previously locked up Harwood has notice of such on their profile page, with a link to press the button again. Matt Hancock has refused to comment directly on the issue, as when he was asked why the change was made, he started foaming at the mouth and ran into his shed to fetch a mallet before running into the offices of GB News. It is anticipated that Dominic Cummings will be publishing vital evidence behind a paywall that details exactly what locking up Harwood means, and why it was an added feature as he said he would do in his recent select committee appearance, but so far has yet to venture outside of anything covered by parliamentary privilege. Each day this goes unresolved, more questions are being asked of the government and their apparent ability to evade all accountability continues on in full strength. Some opposition ministers have told The Lemon Press anonymously that they are considering proposing legislation that would ‘lock up Harwood’ permanently, but at the cost of the taxpayers. Harry Clay

Creamed Jeans for Rome II Fans as Calls to Reintroduce Latin to Europe Circulate With Britain's absence from the European Union, French politicians are now making calls to replace the English language with Latin as the primary means of communicating across the continent. But is such a plan possible? In spite of general Anglophone suspicion of French mischief, a return to Latin has received unanimous support from fans of Total War: Rome II. Lauded as ‘based’ and ‘principate-pilled’, the move has been widely praised by gamers and redditors who can’t wait to communicate in the ancient language. Despite starting in France, support for the movement is quickly spreading through Rome II’s global basement-dwelling fanbase. How much time does the English language have left? Depends how long it takes for players to leave their dungeons and talk to real people – which may take some time. But if this scheme is successful, please look forward to subsequent Lemon Press articles in capitalised Times New Roman font. ALEA IACTA EST?

Some Lighter News

James Rhodes

It is easy to get bogged down with heavy and depressing news stories, so let us all take a moment and have a look at some lighter headlines... Ant stuck in cider can is having the time of its life Anti-vax Dad reunitd with vaccined children after heartwarming scenes of them having their antibodie surgically removed. The first ever man to live outside of society has been found! You are officially half way through this The Lemon Press! That's good enough news on its own right? Ant in cider can is now a bit tipsy, aww! And it seems weirdly eager to moan about his Polish neighbors The first man living outside of society has been shown clips of Joker (2019). He loves it but didn't get why the clown was laughing Ant still inside cider can is now singing God Save The Queen and talking loudly about the threat of Sharia Law to our children I just need to write 35 more jokes and they'll let me out of this cage! Ant has escaped cider can and has published an apology video. Daniel Bennett

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News & Politics

Our Blue tick got lost in the post

What I’ve Learned from Licking Mould, and Why you Should too! Over lockdown, many students felt new pressures and new anxieties as their social lives were almost entirely moved online or killed off. This caused many to adopt new hobbies ranging from painting toy soldiers to actually being cool and working out. Personally, I’ve found myself exploring a new niche of licking the mysterious purpley-brown spores that have developed behind a broken radiator, and boy has it changed my life! Here are some of the things I’ve taken away from my new hobby, and why you should give it a try too! 1) It’s perfectly legal! Contrary to popular belief, there are no statutes or legislations against enjoying the products of your own home. As long as you’re not growing the mould with the intent to sell it to other people, the government cannot do anything about you indulging in one of life’s little pleasures. If the police turn up at your door, just tell them that they have no basis to enter and that the smell of decay is in no way related to a dead body, and they’ll have no choice but to leave. 'Big gov' can stay out! 2) You can open your mind’s eye! Eating scrapings of the fungus(?) is a deeply personal experience, and can help you to better understand yourself and society. By opening yourself up to new experiences and knowledge that would otherwise be unobtainable, you’re sure to come away from it knowing more than you did before. It’s a great way to ruminate on the state of the world and the workings of your own mind, and if we need something in society, it’s more self-reflection. 3) You might be helping conservation efforts! Bedroom moulds can be a habitat for protected or endangered species, so by letting it grow you’re building a delicate ecosystem that wouldn’t otherwise survive in the world. Harvesting the mould for personal use is actually beneficial to these environments, akin to how forests are sometimes burnt to encourage new tree growth. By responsibly cultivating mould on your damp wallpaper, you’re actually contributing to the global fight against biodiversity loss – good on you! 4) Your landlord will thank you! Student tenants are often considered nightmares to rent to, known for constantly complaining about the standard of the housing and adding more and more tasks to the already-busy life of a landlord. Don’t join in on this stereotype, and be a good household by encouraging your flatmates to make the best use of what they’ve generously given you – without them, you wouldn’t have accommodation at all! 5) It adds new and exciting flavours to your meals! Many students never learn how to cook new and exciting meals beyond pesto pasta and chicken & rice; moulds like the one found behind my radiator bring additional flavour and nutrition to meals – adding a little seasoning to your standard dinners can make all the difference, and make every meal taste different to the one before due to the evolving nature of the organism. 6) Vomit is a natural function of our bodies, and it’s time that we got rid of the taboo Nausea, temporary blindness, and vomiting are widely seen as negative things in society, but when you think about it, it’s really just a natural part of our bodies and so nothing to be ashamed of. People might stare at you, or call emergency services, but that’s because they’re stuck with 20th century values: it’s not their fault, but by actively consuming an unknown substance, you’re changing social perceptions little by little. 7) It can help you sleep! A little-known fact about consuming the spores in your bedroom is that they’re perfect as a nightcap. People who have difficulty sleeping should really consider the potential benefits of this hobby, as they can cleanse your system and get your body to rest – much better than counting sheep! In fact, I need to go and have a little napggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg (continues for 37 more pages).

Lifestyle

Got a bad idea?

Mould on out of date food is just a suggestion

How to Host the Perfect Dinner Party with Teddy Player‐ One During the day Teddy PlayerOne is a mild mannered PHD student, but in the evenings he’s a dinner party hostextraordinaire and here are his top tips. Sides: ‘Sides are for cowards. People only do sides if they don’t believe in the main part of their meal. Serve a roast ham by itself with nothing accompanying it.' Invite list: ‘Don’t invite people who are friends with you, and I’m not just saying this because I’ve got no friends. Ok I might be saying this because I’ve got no friends.’ Timings: ‘Always host at weird times in the evening, it helps add a sense of mystery to the evening.’ Chris Small

E‐Scooters and You: A Guide to Contemporary Travel Now the summer heat is setting in and your year of bone idleness has caught up with you, getting about has become a pain for us all. Whether you’re too scared to catch a disease on a bus [Did Clarkson write this? -Eds] or get way too sweaty to be able to walk anywhere without coating yourself is talcon powder, going from A to B has become an enormous chore. There is however a saviour, a way to travel without extra risk of illness or chaffing, in an extremely cost effective manner. Enter, the e-scooter. E-scooters are to walking what the bicycle was to walking. For only a small seed cost of £100-£4000 and continued electricity usage, you can get about anywhere in style without the need of exercising any of your organs or limbs. So long as you’re prepared to stand up for your whole journey and have full and consistent pain free control of your body in that position, you could travel anywhere between 15 and 35 kilometres before needing to find a restaurant or hotel to borrow some electricity from. All that heavy shopping getting you down? With a typically bike you could strap bags on the rails and carry a bag yourself getting all of your tins and perishables home in one piece. Unless you’re brave enough to saddle all that weight on the front handlebar of an e-scooter, you won’t get anywhere near as much volume with you, so you’ll have to cut down on your shopping, saving you the consumer money. It also helps around the house. Too much space ihn your corridor, bedroom, or living room? Not any more, because now there’s a huge piece of metal for you to bash your ankle against all the time. You’ll put on some nice muscles having to lift up hoovers, suitcases, and anything else heavy when you try to get through. The spiders and bugs will love a nice little play area you create. Some of the problems are naturally addressed in the renting market, in which trial cities get the thril of scooter parks everywhere. As at least half are placed within 30 yards of a pub or bar, you can guarantee the once in an evening opportunity to take part in a scaled down Mad Max type scenario as all the punters and pub goers have their go to run down the tourists now piled into town. Its the closest you can come to being Mel Gibson without breaking the Equalities Act. It also raises regular costs with the advantage of not start-up cost, but over time this could build up, so you may want to find ways of mitigating these costs by getting your scooter to work for you. Regular delivery driving is out of the question, the range being far too short, but there is a growing market for short, fast deliveries of urgent substances. Fuel for instance, or ammunition, or blood. Perhaps soon organs too that wouldn’t have the time to go far can be brought to people quickly. Maybe the surgeon will take a scooter there and perform the operation in the hospital. E-scooters are quickly becoming part of our tight knit commuter network, so if you want to get on that ride of spending more, travelling less, and helping to rehabilitate Mel Gibson, hop on quickly. Harry Clay

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Lifestyle

I can see my house from up here

Minecraft: The Platonic cliffs and Caves Update Having released the ﬁrst part of the Cliffs and Caves update, Mojang have revealed the major feature of the second part of the cliffs and caves update: implementing Plato’s allegory of the cave into the game. The allegory of the cave will be implemented into the game by using the player’s webcam to render shadows of the players surroundings into the game, which as far as the player would be concerned would be the reality of the outside world, as they haven’t left their PC in three months because they’ve been busy playing Minecraft. This update will provide religious studies all over the country with a vital alternative to just playing the Matrix when they can’t be arsed with actually teaching. Chris Small

Games like No Man's Sky Big fan of No Man's Sky? Looking for something new to play? Struggling to ﬁnd people to play multiplayer games with? Look no further than these hot tips? Space Engineers: Both games contain space, basically must be the same game right. Minecraft: It's the magic of Minecraft, it has the power to be whatever you want it to be. Tetris: Both can be played on a computer, basically the same. What a shame it doesn’t have a multiplayer you can play with us. This war of mine: Totally the same vibe, honest. But it’s best experienced by itself, so it involves logging of the discord. Please please please log off the discord. Russian Roulette: Potentially getting a bullet in the head probably has the same thrill as exploring new planets. Oh no, you don’t have anyone to play with, well you’re just going to have to keep going by yourself until you get to the bullet. Chris Small

Captain Tom Moore added to Hearts of Iron 4 Fuck this is real and not satire. Chris Small

Bill Gates Announces The End Of Technology Good Billionaire of The Year Winner (2019) Bill Gates has announced that' we have ﬁnished technology. 'We've done everything we can with it, sorry lads, no you still can't have the patents.' Daniel Bennett

Science and Technology

HTC Vive Ultimate Gloryhole Experienced Reviewed I’d be looking forward to this one for a while. My wireless HTC Vive promised a lot and the Ultimate Gloryhole Experience was a game purely of my own devising. Let me tell you how to get set up. Start by taking your HTC Vive to your nearest Gloryhole. You’ll know where to go after my previous treatise on the subject. Now get out your HTC Vive, strap up and sling those trousers low. Wait until another player joins and start playing. It feels incredible when you’re wearing your HTC Vive and have the camera mode turned on. Just get in the groove and keep that Vive on tight. Each round varies wildly but it’s the variety that’s the spice of the Ultimate Gloryhole Experience. It’s the gift hole that keeps on giving. They say not to look a gift horse in the mouth but look in the hole and you tend to ﬁnd a gift of a baying mouth. Game ﬁnished? Wipe up and leave. It’s the most realistic gaming experience I’ve ever had and must be the best. Find it free and available literally anywhere. Reynard

Facebook Portal to add Gloryhole Feature Following the underwhelming launch of Portal, Facebook’s equivalent to Zoom that allows you to put your family members on your TV, as though seeing them on your phone screen or in person wasn’t enough, Facebook has announced a major feature update. Having realised that there’s no point selling a new product that just replicates a functionality most people already have on their phones, Facebook’s innovative new approach will allow a gloryhole feature, so you can get much closer to the people you care about- or your Grindr hookups, I’m not one to judge. Speaking at the launch of the new feature, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg commented that he hoped the feature would bring a new meaning to the word ‘Zucced,’ while UK Chief Medical Ofﬁcer Chris Whitty welcomed the innovation as a fantastic new way to get off in lockdown. It remains to be seen whether Twitter will be implementing a similar feature for all its users, or if it will give it only to the blue tick elite - bad news for some York media alumni! Click Negg

We can act normal

Love Island? No thanks, I only love York

How to Explain NFTs to a Guy Who'd Probably Be Too Into Them We all know him. Called Zac, or Zahck depending on who he’s with, a huge fan of Joe Rogan and Elon Musk, a slightly lesser fan of leg day and emotional openness. You haven't spoken to him since he tried to sell you drugs at 'mates rates' at the end of your school prom, but now Zahck has been seeing all this stuff about how great NFTs are and he's asking you what you know about them (he knows you read The Lemon Press so you are clearly an intellectual). Now obviously explaining how an NFT works isn't a problem for you, but you know that there's a good chance that Zahck could get way too into them and make your Facebook feed an unusable slew of blockchain graphs and Musk quotes. So here is the guide you need to put that guy off ever buying an NFT; Penguins - If a few years ago I submitted a Lemon Press article about millionaires burning a year's worth of energy to buy a virtual picture of a green field, it would have been thrown out for being too lazy satire. Admittedly that would be due to our higher editorial standards at the time, but the point remains that NFTs are an insane waste of energy. While this should put most people off, Zahck's care for the environment is limited so we have to adjust around those limitations. Let Zahck know that if he doesn't mine for NFTs, he will be saving the lives of penguins. And you know who loves penguins? Girls! So promise him that you will tell all the girls that he is a penguinsaving hero, and maybe then they'll open his DMs. Art - At the moment NFTs are mostly used to buy art, which is great as it means we never have to think about them except for the occasional long article we read when we run out of Twitter. So tell Zahck that there is absolutely no way this currency can escape the art world and become relevant to us. What has ever escaped art into the mainstream anyway? The Da Vinci code stuff, a few bits of Shakesphere and, if you’re being really liberal with the definitions, the popularity of the pizza delivery guy profession. The Wolf of Wall Street - Zahck believes any form of money-making business works like Leo in The Wolf of Wall Street; start small, invest confidently, buy a yacht, get bored and turn the film off about two hours in. But that lifestyle isn’t possible with NFTs since it is just one token, there’s no need to do cocaine at lunch when you’ve already given away the token by 10am. And what’s the point in being a legal millionaire if you can’t have the illegal billionaire lifestyle, eh Zahck? Instead, try getting him into proper means of shady wealth, like actual share trading, or PPE production. Literally Just Explain It The Best You Can - 'So fungible things have a value, like dollar bills, that can be traded for things of the same amount. But stuff like art doesn't have a value, which makes it non-fungible'. Even now you can see Zahck's eyes flickering as he swears he can remember a load of art being sold for actual values of money. 'Look, it's like buying a painting that can only be viewed after using a coin that can only be used to buy that painting'. You're not sure if Zahck is about to sneeze, is deep in thought, or is just copying your own facial expression. Zahck replies 'then...how do they know what the art looks like before they buy it? Can't they just use the digital preview of the art as the actual digital art? Can't other people just use copies of that preview as the actual art?' For a moment you err and umm, before giving up and joining Zahck in staring off confused into the middle-distance. You both accept that you will never quite understand them, and together realise this is exactly how your grandparents feel when you tell them about how the internet works. There is an audible crack as Zahck’s immaculately moisturised forehead is permanently tarnished by the first wrinkle of age. Congratulations, you’ve just witnessed the first second passing on your own personal eternity, and there’s not a cryptocurrency on the planet that you can trade to get it back. Yet. Daniel Bennett

sometimes...

Melinda Gates to Get 'All of Technology in Divorce' Reports said it was a trade-off for him to still keep the vaccine patents Daniel Bennett

Science and Technology

To the man I met at Timewarp: Happy Father's Day

Nouse Podcast Review: My Flatmate's Endless Screaming

Dad‐Friendly Version of ‘Hamilton’ Announced

I hate podcasts, and for years have taken great pride in never having listened to one. Even if somebody is playing one within earshot of me I will jettison myself away from them and scream over it until it is no longer heard, such is my unbridled hatred of the medium. One time a close friend of mine recommended Welcome to Night Vale to me and I had to be physically sick on the spot, so I surprised myself when I found myself listening to one very special podcast every single night.

The pathologically successful musical ‘Hamilton’ is returning to the UK, and like any pathogen it has returned with a new variant designed just for the Dads of Britain. A press release said ‘A portion of our British audience told us that even though they loved the musical, their dads felt uncomfortable watching it, even more than when they’re dragged to a regular musical. And if history has taught us one thing: it’s that it is grossly irresponsible to not directly appeal to the British Dad market. As a result, Lin-Manuel Miranda is set to make a heroic return to stage (fresh off of defeating Trump) to direct a limited run rewritten to the tastes of Dads.

My Flatmate's Endless Screaming started relatively small, but has now amassed a sizable and captive audience. Like many listeners inside the house, next door to the house, or just passing by the house at 2am, I was not sure about this podcast when it ﬁrst launched. The premise of someone screaming endlessly did not immediately attract me, but after 8 straight months I have grown to love the variety of screams. The most endearing element of the podcast is the complete lack of structure; sometimes the hosts can spend up to twenty minutes on tangential screams, like the time they changed from highpitched shouting to baboon-esque howls, making it a mustlisten for any fans of extreme nature. There is some consistency in the shows, as every one is spiced up with prolonged musical interludes that in the past year have covered a wide range of 10 unique songs. I have no idea how the production team got licence to play the tracks to an entire street of people nightly, but they have certainly done their bit in ensuring some of the decade’s biggest hits live on through being burned into our collective memories (even if the host often struggles to remember half the words, us listeners will never forget). They have also managed to get a large number of guests over the past year, a great achievement given the lockdown rules and the host’s own physical and personality-based shortcomings. Each one brings something to the table, like the lacrosse player with surprisingly ﬁrm views on Lenin, or the two DJ mates during the ‘January Exam Season special’. While there is never the same guest twice, the host always tries to form close connections with each one so you really feel as if you are in the same room as them, the bed, and the Bose L1 System B1 Bass Module Subwoofer. Overall I would recommend listening to My Flatmate’s Endless Screaming, with a few caveats attached. While it can be enjoyed from anywhere I have found it best experienced from underneath, ideally binged for weeks at a time, available for only £95 a week plus bills. Please. I’ll even let you keep the TV. Daniel Bennett

Arts

The rewritten version features Jonathan Groff as the charismatic hero ‘King George’ (who now walks with a perfect military march) and his heroic victories in the American Revolutionary War. Through a series of British rock songs, he meets and defeats all your favourite characters, including The Schuyler Triplets (all called Peggy), with the trio now embodying a brand of modern feminism more approved of by The Dads. This has them performing the same songs as the original, but quieter and not getting in the way of The Dads’ view of King George. The ﬁrst showing also contains the premiere of an extended 10 minute version of ‘Farmers Refuted’ with the messenger Samuel Seabury getting louder until he categorically wins the argument against Hamilton with facts and logic. The performance will also feature booing breaks to heckle and lob a variety of provided fruits at the Revolutionists, as well as the national anthem playing at intervals (the louder you sing, the further up the toilet queue you can move). Make sure to get your tickets fast, as the front row of the opening night has already been booked out for the friends and family of Keir Starmer. Daniel Bennett

Spider‐Man Deserves a Mouth Hole ‐ Reynard It’s been months since I tasted ﬁscal redemption with my trading tips and now I have other tips on my mind and a hole on my mouth… Spider-Man’s mouth-hole. I’d been conked out on the sofa for a matter of hours before I noticed that Spider-Man was on and my trousers weren’t off yet. That was all due to the fact that Spider-Man’s costume in the Marvel series covers his most valuable asset: that puckered multi-use mouth-hole that brings joy to so many fans. Is Marvel edging me or have I lost it since I watched Democracy Manifest XXX? Give Spider-Man a proper mouth-hole and I’ll be your cash ATM. Set his ﬂeshy mound free from that fabric prison. Reynard

The Lemon Press is art

I... uh... hmmm. Yeah I got nothing

Interview With Longboi’s Agent ‐ Bill Working in this profession you meet and mingle with so many big names; Shaun Williamson, Grant Shapps, that woman who put a cat in a bin ten years on. You’re always told in journalism training to resist the nerves when talking to such stars, and the best of us never let the interviewee become bigger than the interview, but occasionally one guest slips through your guard before you even meet them. Who I was meeting today was no exception to that, his backstory almost as untransverable as the pathway to his house. In emerging through the other side of the crawspace-like hallway I was greeted to the sight of a gamers chair, the top half of which was done up to look like a cozy fireplace recliner but was littered with G Fuel stickers anywhere that a webcam’s view could not reach. Atop this chair sat an impatiently-swiveling Bill, who was striking immediately for not wearing the attitude or attire of a regular agent, wrapped up in a neat tweed jacket and thin-rimmed glasses, an unusual wardrobe for a mallard. I was not even sure how much those glasses aided the monocular-visioned creature, but nonetheless the black balls of his eyes rolled through them to meet my own and begin the interview. ‘We had tried similar projects to Longboi before’ said Bill after an exchange of pleasantries, beginning a trend of him eloquently answering questions he hadn’t specifically been asked. ‘Around Bath way, there was this alpaca that had somehow got black and white fur, striped like a zebra. We promoted that thing hard man, even managed to get Matt Allwright down to put Zebpaca on The One Show, but camera nerves got to him and he bit Allwright’s knob clean off. Some people just aren’t cut out for the spotlight, no harm in it’ he dismissed the memory with the shrug of a wing, his nonchalantness in the moment dissueding me from thinking too much about the fluffy striped rug he insisted on keeping in the foyer. ‘After that kind of setback you can start to doubt yourself you know, but you’ve got to keep your faith in your nose. That’s the one thing that will never leave you, it’s got you this far, you just need to keep sniffing’ At this point I wasn’t overly sure if ducks had nostrils. ‘So me, Andy and Clive were strolling through that York campus trying to get any whiffs, and there he was, all one meter of him drawing a crowd, and straight away me and the boys knew we were onto something big, or, well, long’ he retold, bookending the jest with the kind of dry chuckle you only get from hearing yourself say the same joke hundreds of times. So how is the famous Longboi to deal with? I asked this to Bill, and without missing a beat he told me ‘Oh he’s an absolute fucking idiot.I don’t know if the neck length did something to his brain but he can’t speak, can’t drive, he just tears along the college green all day. Honestly one day near the start I found him stuck upside-down in an actual paper bag trying to get some crumbs, squawking for help from the crowd like the entitled little shit he is.’ Even as he falls deeper into his own impassioned monologue, Bill’s eyes cannot help but flicker back and forth across the dozen or so tabs messily organised on a monitor opposite us, each one showing a different analytic in a way that seemed intangible to me but his own lens-magnified eyeballs seemed to absorb at pace. With his previous comment in mind, I asked Bill how he feels comfortable having so much control over someone clearly unable to think for themselves? Silence. For the only time that hour, his eyes stopped flickering for a bit, giving me the honour of my physical presence being acknowledged for the first time. In truth I don’t think he saw me, just my question manifested in a specky selfconscious human form in front of him, but either way his visible contempt would have been the same. The moment was only brief, before he resumed flickering between upward-pointing graphs, clearly comfortable that the upcoming monologue would quell the query. ‘Sure, he can’t speak, but we have our own special bond in a way. I’ve proven to him that, if he goes where I point and honk when I nod, he will always have the same bread on the ground and the same nest kept for him. That’s all he wants, we can’t all be climbers ay? If there’s too many birds flying in the sky there won’t be enough room up here for those who should be high, so if the longest of us wants to stay put on the ground I’ll happily let him do that.’ The three-man entourage Bill had assembled outside his abode was getting increasingly twitchy, so I thought it was time to leave. On our farewell Bill left me with one final remark, quietly leaning in to say; ‘There’s a Longboi in all of us, and between you and me, you better pray nobody finds the one in you.’ Daniel Bennett

If you pretend hard enough

Arts

Squeezeing out every laugh

How to Kill a Wiggle Written by someone who definitely hasn't spent the last week babysitting a child whose only interest is endless videos of The Wiggles. Step 1 - Trap the Wiggle. This should ideally be a locked, concrete-walled windowless room to prevent escape and minimize collateral damage. This room should be as tall as possible as, like Teletubbies, Wiggles are taller than they appear on screen. Make sure this room is sound-proof to prevent the Wiggle summoning another, larger Wiggle (for there is always a larger Wiggle). Step 2 - Immobilise The Wiggle. Wiggles are notoriously bendy and, like a human version of the bus from 'Speed', are incapable of going below 10mph. It's not that they will explode if slowed down (we've tried), they are just unable to naturally reduce their speed. Therefore you must bolt down each Wiggle limb; a 15 inch bolt through the wrists and ankles should keep the Wiggle secure for up to 5 minutes if done properly. Step 3 - Euthanize the Wiggle. Once immobilised, the Wiggle must be finished off quickly before it can heal or adapt. At this point you may be tempted to torture the Wiggle (for all of the things they have done), however it is well documented that a Wiggle cannot feel pain so any attempt to infiict harm would only make the Wiggle stronger. Instead, you must stick to the WHO's Wiggle-euthanasia guidelines; play the sound of a crying child to lower their immune system, make a clean horizontal cut through their neck to detach the head, pour 66 liters of ethanol in the neck-wound, and reattach the head upside down to prevent them smiling. Alternatively, you can just cum on them. Step 4 - Dispose of the Wiggle. The secret of nuclear power is that the actual splitting of the Uranium nuclei is only half the problem; the true battle comes from disposing of the nuclear waste in a way that prevents further harm, either environmentally or by falling into the hands of terrorists. This is exactly the same problem faced with a Wiggles corpse. The only solution we have found so far is that you must stay in that lead-lined room with the Wiggle for 10,000 years until we can be sure it poses no further threat. We are sorry you won't see your family again, but your sacrifice shall be remembered forever. Dan Bennett 23

Features

Thomas Becket: Murder and the Making of a Saint – British Museum Exhibition Reviewed by Big Gaz Got dragged away from the Euros to this exhibition and all they ‘ad was these models of a dead bloke. The gaff was full of ‘em! If I wanted to see some mopey geezers in a dark room I’d ‘ave gone down the local. Turns out this archbishop ‘ad a row with his guvnor and ended up six feet under. Don’t see how – a cuff ‘round me bonce never did me any harm. Anyway, they decided the sun shined out of this guy’s arse cos ‘e was worshipped for yonks afterwards. Bit stupid really. If they wanted to pray to a useless clown, they should ‘ave made Gareth Southgate a saint instead. For a building the size of a Sainsbury’s it was bloody repetitive – nufﬁn to keep the missus’ attention. Should’ve popped into the Nero exhibition next door to be honest – guy was a real nutjob. He actually killed his missus – not surprised if she took ‘im to piss-poor events like this. Bit naff overall. Big Gaz

National Gallery to Replace Entire Collection with Mister Maker Artwork In anticipation of the reopening of public venues, The National Gallery in London has made the bold step in selling off everything under its roof. What could replace such a priceless collection of masterpieces? Why, Mister Maker art of course! The CBeebies art show presenter will ﬁll the Gallery with his numerous squiggles and doodles made during his time on air. The colourful new range of paintings promises to put a smile on visitors faces as well as encourage younger children to visit the historic building. When asked about this change, the Gallery’s director, Gabriele Finaldi, has said ‘we’re totally out of fucking ideas, we haven’t got a damn clue’. I’m sure he’s just being modest. Although controversial, the move has been welcomed by the programme’s hardcore fanbase. Don’t believe me? Just read the Mister Maker reviews on Google. Seriously, do it. James Rhodes

You're most of the way there now

Marketing says these need to be funnier

30‐50 Feral Hogs: Where are they Now? Gerald - The First ‘Gamer’ hog, Gerald has spent the last 18 months awaiting the release of ‘Elden Ring’ . The game was announced a few months before the ‘Hogsident’, and the hype for the game was a driving factor for his own hypothetical rampage over a father’s property in 2019. Since then all he’s done is lose; the woke left took his Last Of Us 2, the journalists took his perfectly good Cyberpunk flip book, and his mum took his PC away for using language unbefitting of a gentlehog. Now all he does is rampage, on forums and on fields, until that Elden Ring trailer drops in 2025. Lord Biglittle - Perhaps the most sympathetic hog. Somebody got him one of those gift £20 Lordships for a birthday joke and told him that the yard was his land. He only trampled over it thinking it was his to trample, and so has spent the last 18 months living out the rest of his Lordship life. His trip to the House of Lords last week did not grant him the opportunity to pass the anti-shotgun laws he desired, but the roast they served at lunch that day was delicious. Brian - Can a hog ever truly reach a position of long term stable employment? No, obviously not, their stumpy little hooves are completely useless in an office setting, so with no hypothetical families to terrorise with 29-49 friends Brian has been forced to hold down five zero-hour contracts . Catch him cleaning cubicles, flipping burgers and asking you if you’ve considered changing your broadband provider, all valid sources of income but c’mon Brian, remember your runnings in the yard,should you really have left those blissful days behind for this? ‘Charlie’ - Not his real name, but you need to act in disguise when you are arguably the worst kind of hog - a journo hog. Acting on an anonymous tip Charlie joined the trampling of the property, not to join in but to tell the story of the day through his quill and camera. Conveniently the story of the day involved 30-50 HD menacing face shots of the hogs and a picture of the father crying beside a well-hidden shotgun, and for his reward Charlie had all that work credited to his editor then was sent back to write 500 words on Amanda Holden’s latest instagram post. Keep going mate, only a few rungs to go until they let you schedule the tweets! Dan Bennett

honest

Are we about to experience Weimar Republic levels of hyper inflation? No

Introducing Lemon Coin Getting in on the pump and dump crypto currency game, the Lemon Press presents Lemon Coin. Lemon coin will allow us to scam all of you suckers, present an alternative to the current global economic system. Just remember not to believe any of the criticism you see, otherwise you’ll end up thing that investing in Lemon coin is a bad idea

Labour Shortage: Business have tried nothing and are all out of ideas With the post pandemic business leading to a labour shortage, which has caused many businesses to get very annoyed at a problem they’ve put no effort into ﬁxing. After several attempts at ignoring ‘just increase wages’ businesses have decided that they have no ideas, and that it should be the responsibility of someone else to ﬁx it. Chris Small

Top 4 ways to sack your staff, number 4 will shock you! 1. Invest in a news arm, and the shut it down when you can't be arsed paying for it anymore. 2. Buy out another website that also happens do news, and then ﬁre all the news staff. 3. Make sure they can't unionise. 4. Fire them for writing this article (you're ﬁre - eds). Chris Small

Features

Tear this page to make your own origami mask!

TRENDING: UNVACCINATED STUDENTS FLOCK TO PRAGER-U

Letters To Spitebart's Agony Uncle

POPULAR: NO WE'RE NOT THE BABYLON BEE, PLEASE STOP ASKING

Dear Uncle, I am having confusing thoughts about my neighbour. He is a filthy beta Biden-voting cuck who I have hated for months and for months I have unsuccessfully tried to burn his duplex down. However, recently I have heard him talk about how disappointed he is in the Biden Administration on numerous subjects, and it’s making me feel very itchy in my pants area. He is cute but I am #nohomo and I don’t want him or anyone to think I am anything else. How do I get with him without it being gay? Yours, P. Mence. Thank you for your letter, Pike, and what you are feeling is absolutely normal, many of us have been looking at those filthy traitorous Biden voters differently after they have said a few negative things about him. But you have to remember that they will never love the glorious United States of America and half the people in it, so the only relationship you need is one with the 2nd amendment. If you still want to do a casual thing however there are ways to make it not gay. The common mistake made is thinking that the only straight way to do head is to receive, however there is nothing more alpha than giving; a blindfold must be worn by both parties to prevent eye contact of course, but you must assert your alpha dominance by taking the entire thing at once and keeping it in your mouth like God intended. Either he will never come back or he will physically never be able to leave you, in both situations making you the dominant one if you believe hard enough. Dear Uncle, I wrote to you last time regarding an embarrassing misunderstanding of the female anatomy being cruelly exposed online, and after taking your advice I now fear my wife is too wet. We have had to put rail guards up to prevent her from slipping out of bed like an eel, she was sacked from her lifeguard job after flooding the shallow end, and now I need a pool noodle just to do our standard weekly missionary. Please help me un-wet my wife. Yours logically, Ben. Hello Ben, it’s great to know my advice works, I especially hope you used my tip about ‘not podcasting during the act.’ If your wife is being too wet simply store the wife upside down; it’s well studied that water cannot travel uphill, so by keeping her flipped on her head all the moisture should be held within the womb. This is how babies are made. A few days of doing this whilst recording for your Youtube channel in the next room should prevent her from having this problem ever again. Dear Uncle, how would The Joker break up with someone who wanted them to stop acting like The Joker? Yours Chaotically, The Joker. It is never nice when somebody gets in the way of personal growth, especially growth as important as one’s growth towards becoming Jokerfied. But The Joker is above all else a gentleman, who wears a suit and tricks both men and women equally, so you must break up with this lady with upmost dignity. Take her out to a fancy restaurant, order some Joker food (like beans on toast! This will make the chefs laugh, so it is what The Joker would order!), look her in the eye as you hold her hand and tell her ‘I’m allergic to beans.’ She will know right there and then where your heart truly lies, leaving you to spend your days as a single Joker man.

BREAKING: SPITEBART IS NOW ON TIKTOK AGAIN! AFTER OUR LAST ACCOUNT WAS SHADOWBANNED BY THE COMMIE CHINESE GOVERNMENT (FREEZING US AT UNDER 100 FOLLOWERS IN A YEAR) WE ARE BACK. FOLLOW US FOR YOUR HOURLY DOSE OF REDPILLED CONTENT, INCLUDING STEVE BANNON'S BUSS-IT CHALLENGE, A TUTORIAL ON HOW TO MAKE & APPLY YOUR OWN ALL-AMERICAN VACCINES AGAINST THE TRUE VIRUS (VEGANISM), AND COLLABORATIONS WITH MY CHILDREN THAT SHE WON'T LET ME SPEAK TO ANYMORE! PLEASE STACEY, IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS NOW, THEY DON'T EVEN RECOGNISE ME ANYMORE! 25

Features

We even have a sports section

If you like good headers then you should watch the EUROS instead

Who Is Doing Roy Keane's Instagram? Let's be honest, there is no way Roy Keane is doing it of his own accord. There is absolutely no chance that the man who was visibly furious that the Manchester United team did not physically assault their own keeper on the pitch after a bad ﬁrst half, who has maintained a decades-long hostility towards the most respected manager in the history of the sport, would decide of his own free will to start an Instagram. It’s the equivalent of you or I putting cats in a bin whilst replicating the look of 1990s David Baddiel. So who is behind this recent freak behaviour? I have narrowed it down to 4 candidates: A Betting Company - Because it is always a betting company. Any time you even slightly chuckle at a football meme, a 20-something social media intern for BanterBetz is behind it. The unstoppable money sludge has already claimed every football Youtube channel, it’s already claimed the Soccer Saturday refugees (for the price of a Twix and a bottle of Night Nurse), and now it has consumed Roy. He held on, but even stone cold hatred can be warmed by copper coins. So enjoy the next dozen posts, because after that Roy will be getting his dog to announce the odds for West Brom vs Wolves, and you won’t have the heart to unfollow him. Dominic Cummings - I know what you're thinking, surely not the Domster Truck? But it’s rather obvious. Cummy has been looking for a way to become a resurgent sympathetic character, which is not hard in a nation that is only ever one ratings fall away from giving Blair a primetime talk show. So Dom is using Keane as a pilot scheme for how to make an off-putting character loved by millions, mainly through pictures with dogs, and captions that occasionally threaten to be self aware. Hancock will be next to be rehabilitated, and your Mum will vote for him on Strictly. It’s what we deserve. His children - Can Roy Keane breed? Honestly I have done zero research for this article, so I'm not really sure if he is emotionally or spiritually capable of reproduction. But if he has, then those kids would have had to put in decades of worth to even bude him into the modern world. It would be like when you had to convince your own dad to do the Ice Bucket Challenge, but instead of a good cause, Keane’s kids would have been motivated by a Wayne-Linekar-esque nepotistic catapult for their own pages. It would almost make up for what he probably does at parents evenings. Alan Curbishley - Alan is always about. If a club below 10th in the Premier League sacks a manager he'll be hovering in the bookmakers' odds to replace them, a 50/1 lurking outsider who never actually gets a single interview. Well what if Curbs is tired of waiting, and instead of managing a club he has taken over the entirety of Roy Keane? Replaced Keane’s solid-but-predictable defensive persona with Micah Richards and a cheeky smile, make him play outside of his own punditry box and join the attack with the younger players. No, Alan might never get him playing the game like a world class TikToker, Alan doesn’t even know China has the internet let alone an entire app empire, but by sticking to the basics Roy might just escape being relegated to beIN Sports once his contract runs out. Daniel Bennett

Sign Saying ‘Capitalism’ Cast As Vardy Movie Villain

Reynard On...Sports

A giant cardboard sign simply saying ‘Capitalism’ has been cast as the villain in the upcoming movie on Jamie Vardy’s life. The ﬁlm, which is genuinely poised to have the unconventionallooking hero be played by either Zac Efron or a member of One Direction, had been delayed over uncertainties as to who the movie’s antagonist should be. ‘There was no real villain to Leicester’s title winning season’, said screenwriter Adrian Butchart, ‘Pochettino was distraught to hear he wasn’t going to be cast to play himself, he’s apparently been dressing to be a Bond villain his entire life but it would be like making Polonius the antagonist in Hamlet; sure he was in the room a few times, but the cunt was dead by the ﬁnal act.’

I have never actually watched a single second of sports in my life, but I reckon I could use a golf hole as a gloryhole. Maybe a pool table hole at a push, if the mood is right. Is Whack-A-Mole a sport? Because that would absolutely be my ﬁrst choice. I tried to set up a Whack-aMole society once. I was the only member, which was ﬁtting in a way, there wasn't enough holes for a big committee. Still, someone to hold the hammer every once in a while would be nice. Reynard

This all changed when Butchart realised Vardy’s League and Cup victories had been victories against capitalism itself. ‘Only two things got in Jaime’s way, one was the private instagram stories of Colleen Rooney, and the other was the brutal ﬁst of capitalism. We will give both equal screen time, but the movie’s ending shot will have to be Vardy lifting The Emirates FA Cup aloft in the ‘Wembley Stadium connected by EE’ alongside billionaire owner Aiyawatt Srivaddhanaprabha, an image that proves that any dream can overcome the slew of dark money in the game with a little help from good, wholesome money.’ Daniel Bennett

It's a miracle

Sport

Satire is coming home

Pundit Petcher gives us his Latest Predictions Here they are, the European Championships. England has spent the last ﬁve years building good will with Europe and it's time to cash in our cheques. Wait... fuck. Southgate's not wearing a waistcoat? Oh bloody hell, never mind. Anyway, here's what we think'll happen. The Volkswagen mini-car is a front for funding UEFA’s war effort After promising to drive the ball to the centre circle in every game, UEFA would come up short and only manage it for the ﬁrst game. Later, it will be revealed that the sponsorship money from Volkswagen has mysteriously disappeared, before UEFA invades the Czech Republic. Fans will get arrested, simply for being English Fucking political correctness gone mad. Can’t even speak anymore before these Marxist fucking coppers come over and tell me I am being arrested simply for being a god-fearing Englishmen, and for so-called ‘racial abuse’ of Italians. Fucking thought police. North Macedonia will win the tournament and Greece will claim the victory Leopards never change their spots. North Macedonia will win the Euros and, not content with simply stealing their ancient legacy, the Greek team will show up to Wembley to claim the trophy. Tragedy will strike when high on the success, the Mediterranean side will try and go one further by stealing the Elgin Marbles and will be shot down in the process.

Fuck. That is inspired. What sauce! Get in! The Indian variant will rip through these players like an AR-15 through American schoolchildren. The tournament will be decided by the drawing of lots and eventually won by England. Southgate will lift the trophy aloft while half his players take the oxygen they hoarded when it all went a bit tits up in New Delhi. Gareth Southgate will ﬁeld a team of right-backs After bowing to public pressure, England will stop taking the knee and start 11 right-backs as a tribute to the correct side of politics. The side will crumble when they refuse to run after the ball, having sworn to leave race alone. It will come home If it means a rising Covid rate and a sense of arrogance that we have gotten over the peak of the pandemic, then yes. It will come home. Wash your face masks you dirty bastards. Martin Petcher

The winner will be decided by random after the Indian variant kills 40% of the players A tournament across the continent? During a pandemic?

Sports

Chris 'E‐Sports are real sports' Small

32 pages of hurt

Football’s coming home. I just wish my wife would If you’re reading this, Linda, I’m sorry. Let’s make another go of it

Dear England Part 2 ‐ Gareth Southgate (ONLY to be published after July 11th 2020, okay Keith?) Dear England. Holy fuck, you didn’t have to petrol bomb my house. To lose your job is one thing, but to have a national newspaper’s front page be nothing more than a picture of your front door, a Molotov recipe, and a WHSmiths voucher for an England-brand lighter tests even my love for Queen and Country. I may never be able to read The Guardian again now, but even in these testing times I admire the unity of them teaming up with The Sun to arrange minibuses to my driveway. In these tough times I do also appreciate your strength. I acknowledge it must have taken an exceptional amount of willpower to physically tear out your own kneecaps and post them to me as a protest against Marxism, and I’m sure that mental fortitude will drive on the next manager cursed to represent our nation. I know it’s uncouth to recommend your own successor, but I sincerely hope it’s Allerdyce again, you two are made for each other, and I can only imagine your relationship blossoming like two rats nibbling on the first corpse on the Titanic. Do you remember how I let the most traumatic experience of my life be mocked to sell you second-rate pizza? I didn't do it for the money, I did it for you fans. Literally. Self-deprecation is the only acceptable personality trait for English public figures, it was either do the joke in the ad or wait a decade for the autobiography tour to joke about it in every single interview. As I stand in the charred remains of my study to write this, I accept the dilemma was all for nought. There's something I try to subconsciously tell our players before every England game: they won't remember what you did, most of them won't remember how you made them feel, but they will all remember one thing that they can shout at you in a 10 second interaction across the street. Good or bad, even the little ones will have something to say. They'll never be able to shout much about a defensive 1-0 performance, so better to do that then be called the flash twat who lost us the final. It’s hard to do this subconsciously, but our last performance showed that I got it drilled into our lads. I’m off to await my inevitable job offer from Crystal Palace now. They’ll treat me like a god there for getting 7th and a cup run, I’ll be the C3P0 to their Ewoks. But despite my tone, don’t think of me as bitter towards our separation, I will still remember all of our good times. Someone has to. I had the honor to be Your obedient servant Gareth Southgate.

Never stopped me reading

Declan Rice and Jack Grealish Revealed to be Undercover for the IRA The England midﬁeld duo of Grealish and Rice have been revealed to be IRA psy-ops intending to get close enough to the Queen to assassinate the old codger when receiving their winners’ medals. After switching allegiances to play for the Three Lions, there were questions about the loyalty of the pair. Strangely, the FA have decided that the pair will be allowed to continue playing for England under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement, and the Queen will simply drive the medals to the players using a remote controlled miniature of Prince Philip’s hearse. Having been foiled, the pair have had their punishment handed down, as England’s away shirt will not be black and tan. Martin Petcher

Football Comes Home; must Quarantine for Ten Days After a sensational European Championships win, football has been told that it must hotel quarantine for 10 days after its arrival. Football is now quarantining in a Premier Inn with several England players where absolutely nothing will go wrong. Footballers in a hotel has never seen a controversy. Football has been hit with a further blow by the Northern Ireland protocol, scuppering its chance of exporting its way home. Football will try to receive a negative test to come home early but appears to have caught Covid from Phil Foden. Martin Petcher

Sports

Nobody care who was until I put on the pseudonym

Letter to The Lemon Press ﴾as dictated by Joe Biden﴿

Holes Glorious Glory Holes There’s a glorious place, Full of holes and shapes, You ﬁnd all kinds of delights, When you make a nocturnal ﬂight, To the hole, To the hole, You’re going to the glorious glory hole, You know the smell, Smegma scent and all is well, Watch out for STDs, And make sure they’re really on their knees,

Love York Everyone who Loves York, Put them all in one place they said, Such a terribly tragedy, All hit by the same malady, Now no-one who Loves York is left. Reynard

Self Isolating Grundy Self Isolating Grundy Did Retail Therapy Online on the Monday Ran out of Netﬂix on the Tuesday Didn't leave bed on the Wednesday Ordered a family-sized pizza on the Thursday No leftovers for the Friday Finished an entire bottle of vodka on the Saturday Told to self isolate for the ﬁrst time on the Sunday By A. Method Poet

But most of all go to the hole, It’ll make you feel whole, All you need is a little will, What am I doing sat in this stinking ﬂat in Coventry still? Reynard

Cursed oven develops 'glory hole' variant

Politics for Shaun

Umm…I uhhhhh. Uhhhmm, it’s uhhhh….. wh- umm. Yeah uuhhhmmmm. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz... President Joseph R. Biden Jr.

A letter to Carrie I am really happy for you, honest. It's not just my employer making me write about you and Boris. I really am this much of a cuck. Harry Cole

An apology from the editors We're honestly sorry that so much glory hole content has ended up in this issue. We tried to stop our writers, but they just kept on sending it in. Chris and Daniel

For Sale: 1 June 21st end of restictions date. Never Used

For Sale: Royal Yacht ﴾lightly used﴿

G7 Latest: Queen cuts cake with sword

Haiku for the G7 Summit Leaders by the sea Debates about the future Falling off a cliff James Rhodes

Harry Clay

Letters, Poems and Pictures

Harry Clay

That's all

How do I LinkOut?

England - You face an overwhelming number of good choices in your life, to which you will fatefully pick the one overlydefensive option that leads you right back to where you started. Find comfort in knowing that you will have the same choices to make for the next decade, and maybe one time you will stumble into the correct one.

Slovakia - Erm, yeah, I deﬁnitely know a lot about Slovakian football... you will ﬁnd love where you least expect it, you have been stressed by circumstances out of your control but a calmer dawn is on the horizon, welcome the embrace of a mysterious stranger? Look, you seem like a nice enough team, but there’s 24 squads here and I can’t form stereotypes about all of you.

France - You are the ﬂawless, perfect model individual, who more often than not collapses in on themselves at the slightest inconvenience. Let the small wholesome man hold you up and carry you once more, you can be great if you don’t actively try to ruin it.

Germany - Your reputation precedes you into any , but these days that reputation precedes you by several hours, often pouring itself a nice whisky and settling into a rather long nap by the time you stumble your way through the same doorway. So get yourself ahead of that reputation, but try not to think too hard about the divorce papers that have already been sent to you.

Italy - You are a dreamy dark horse in the game of love. Well, you were a year ago, now everybody around you won’t stop pointing out how much of a dark horse you are, and all this spotlight is turning you into just another horse. North Macedonia - The runt of the litter, but sympathetically adored by many. Your near future holds many new suitors in the form of sweepstake holders, but beware that the closer you ﬂirt and tease them with glory the more wild their backlash will be when you part ways. Wales - You have long wrestled with the thought that you are more than just the one man in your life. He may be tall, brooding and prone to one good day every few months, but it is almost time for you to grow beyond him. But not yet. I still have money on you to get to the quarter ﬁnals. Belgium - You are cursed with the sinking feeling that it is now or never to achieve your goals, so be lightened from this load by knowing that it’s actually just ‘never’, there is no ‘now’ in all honesty, time to spend the next decade wondering what could've been whilst simultaneously overhyping the future.

Czech Republic - How dare you try to interfere with events already predetermined by right (England bringing it home), stay out of the way of waistcoated strangers and their brave boys you slugs. Scotland - How dare you try to interfere with events already predetermined by right (England bringing it home), stay out of the way of waistcoated strangers and their brave boys you slugs. Nice left-back though. Portugal - You are walking through life perfectly balanced, youth and experience, ﬂair and solidity, pedigree and potential. Why not throw it all away by letting a 36 year-old android attempt yet another free kick. I’m sure he’ll get that form back once you give him enough chances. Hungary - You may be feeling a looming sense of dread, and while ,yes, you may have been absolutely fucked over by luck, why not have some fun with it? Give this opportunity your all, break a few hearts (and legs), try some outrageous chances, but most importantly make sure the opponent’s best players are unable to face Gareth’s mighty lions. You’re literally our only

A further apology from the editors As editors of The Lemon Press we have been trusted to upholding various traditions of the society. These traditions have include the complete lack of understanding of sport most editors have had. The Lemon Press even failed to have a sports section at all last time out. We have failed to uphold this tradition, and have accidentally ended up with three full pages of sports content in this issue. And none of it was ironic, 'we know nothing about sport and need to ﬁll a section' content. We deeply apologise for breaking this tradition. Chris and Daniel

Now piss off

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