The Lemon Press - Issue 53

Editors' Introduction

HEY YOU!

We saw you across the Freshers Fair and we really dig your vibe, can we write you some satire?

Welcome to The Lemon Press, the only self-desribed 'satire' magazine on campus! This is the place where various students of various levels of sanity come together to pass off their deranged thoughts about the university, news and life itself as 'funny content'. By picking up this issue, you have entered a binding contract where you must laugh at us, or join us to prove that you can do it better. The third option, "just putting us in the bin like everyone else", is as yet unconfirmed.

But who is this voice that is now threatening you one paragraph into a lighthearted magazine? We are Matt and Dan, the mayors of fun who are the ones to blame for everything in this publication as well as a lot of stuff that's happeing outside it too. Your bus was late? That's because one of us gave the driver a copy of The Lemon Press! Lecturers go on strike? That's because they saw what their students were writing in The Lemon Press and quite simply gave up! Climate change? Sorry that was us, burning old copies so we can reuse their jokes.

This Freshers issue is all any new student needs to get up to date with the weird, wacky, weally-expensive-to-be-a-part-of world of York, as well as supplying returning students with enough tips and tricks to survive the year. We begin with a Campus section where you can WIN a prize for your flat just by inducting yourself in a few university traditions! We also cover the new societies to look out forthis year, as well as revealing why the person next door is keeping up that rythmic pounding.

Fortunately, nothing major has happened in the world of News & Politics in the past few months, so all articles about the death of a monarch, the catastrophic cost of living crisis and a cheeky change of Prime Ministers are completely coincidental and can in no way be interpreted as 'relevant satire'.

If you read all that and then want lifestyle advice about sex, love and relationships from us, we honestly can't help you. We also give Arts, Sci-Tech and Sports a whistlestop tour, as well as some Features that are deranged even by our standards.

Basically, this whole thing is a group of pals trying to make each other laugh in creative ways. If we've somehow made you laugh too, maybe it's a sign. Or a brain tumour. In any case, why not come and join us; use the quiz to the left to decide the best way for you to join the best cult on campus!

Yours verbosely Matt and Dan

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Arts Science & Tech Features

Sports

Letters, Puzzles & Horoscopes

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Dan Saxotweet & Matt Davis

Deputy Editors: Caitlin Hyland & Cameron Stenhouse Sub Editors: Caitlin Hyland, Ben Brown, Ava Young & Adam Berry

Campus Editors: Lydia Cunningham & Laura Burnell News & Politics Editor: Cameron Stenhouse

Lifestyle Editor: Kris Matveeva Science & Tech Editor: Ben Brown Arts Editors: Jack Mackay & Emma Dixon Features Editor: Beth Hubbard Sports Editor: Ronnie Young

Chief Illustrator - Niall McGenity (Front Cover, Back Cover) Illustrators: Dan Saxotweet (Inside Cover, Various), Will Rowan (Various), Ben Brown (Various), Ava Young (Various)

President: Will Rowan Treasurer: Matt Davis Secretary: Beth Hubbard

Vice-President: Caitlin Hyland Social Secretary: Ava Young Ordinary Member: Adam Berry

Contributors: Phoebe Rhodes, Alex Towells, Chay Quinn, Lockerbee, E. R. Ynard, Mimi Nuts

Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org

Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 20th September 2022.

Yor Freshers Bucket List

There are so many things that you are ‘meant’ to do as a student, especially a University of York student where community is only really built through one’s chosen extracurricular activities rather than the uni having any feeling of community in itself. To guide you through this, The Lemon Press has hand-crafted a bucket list full of the essentials you need to do to truly call yourself a ‘University of York Survivor’ .

Embarrass Yourself In 'Ring Of Fire'

The social pressure burns, burns, burns, but if you drink enough you won’t care either way, right? Unright! The amount of fun your flat is is inversely proportional to how long your flat relies on ‘Ring Of Fire’ as a pre-drink game, so if you can’t stand the people you live with then good news, you have more time to tick this off!

Go To A Taster That You Don't Have The Energy For But You Said You Would Go

The perfect chance to try something you never thought you'd enjoy, like ‘waking up at 6am to get shouted at by older members of the rowing club’. But hey, you need to do something sporty, so why not force yourself into this routine because the guy at Freshers Fair asked you very nicely if you wanted to try rowing?

Take This Magazine To A Pre‐Drinks

What better way to spice up an awkward and dry predrinks than to bring a copy of The Lemon Press into the room? Chuck it on a table somewhere or thrust it into the hands of the person you really really want to leave (if someone has just given you this to read, erm, we’re sorry?), or at the very least use it to mop up any and all excess liquids the morning after!

Visit North Campus

Home of York’s only Taco Bell, North Campus is exclusively for the last remaining Railway Studies students. Despite this, it has a bustling social scene and if you go there late at night you might be invited into a student block for some mass love-train action. No buses go there yet, so you just have to walk North until you smell the tacos and lube!

Have A Barbecue

An essential university experience! What do you mean, ‘it’s October and we're in the North’? Don’t you want to win the respect of your flatmates (and a wonderful Lemon Press prize) by cooking burgers in the rain?

WIN A PRIZE FOR YOUR FLAT

If you do an item in a yellow box, take a photo of you doing it and send it in! We will be doing a prize draw of every entry, and the winner's flat/ house will win an EXCITING PRIZE (picked by The Lemon Press committee). Every entry counts in the draw, so if you send in evidence of doing 5 things, you’ll be entered 5 times!

Send your entries to lemonpresseditors@yusu.org by October 22nd!

Buy A Dissapointing Meal Deal

Nisa has a wide range of disappointing meal deals on offer, made even more frustrating by the price. At £5 (at time of writing) for an egg mayo sandwich, roast chicken crisps (no other flavours available) and a Diet Coke, you’re sure to feel that post-night-out nihilism as your deadlines slowly approach.

Swipe Right On A Coursemate

Why not take the first step towards meeting the love of your life by matching with someone you’ve made fleeting awkward eye contact in a lecture hall with? If they can tolerate you when you’ve come to a lecture at 9am unshowered, they’ll love you when you cum at 9pm unshowered!

Find A Better Duck Than Longboi

Longboi is the Marvel Phase 4 of York; a mostly uninteresting creature who benefits from a good publicity team and positive PR (as much as anything linked to James Corden can be considered positive, apart from a James Corden positive blood test). Away from the crowds you will find much less fed waterfowl that aren’t complete divas, so snap one and send it in!

Reclaim Popword

Popworld does cheap drinks, has a SPINNING DANCEFLOOR and plays relatively cheesy music, so why comrades have we surrendered this one truly great nightclub in York to the ‘creepy Dads in suits’ demographic? Take a gang of your best pals and take over that dancefloor; it only takes one drunk student to change the world!

Couples I've Seen Around Campus And The Reasons They Won't Last And Will End Up Less Happy Than Me

I didn’t intend for all of these to be based on real encounters, I just found out when I started writing that I have a deep, deep memory of these kinds of things.

The Couple On The Grass Outside The Library - Sitting on the Morrell desks that overlook the patch of greenery outside the library cafe, I spot the couple laying in each other's arms and I laugh. They sit outside a cathedral of knowledge and instead of studying they instead choose to bask in the sun and make each other laugh? I can make THOUSANDS laugh, all from writing a few lines in my notes app between vigorous study sessions. I will end up smarter and more renowned than either of them, and realising this will tear them apart.

The Couple Sharing A Cute Moment By Heslington Hall - Sure, have an adorable moment feeding the ducks outside Derwent, cuddling close as one of you jokes about seeing LongBoi, as if a man with an unusually fast walking pace isn’t thundering along the narrow path you’re currently blocking. It’s fine, why not take a 12th couples selfie in your shit haircuts, I’ll just step in grassy gooseshit for your convenience yeah? Their relationship won’t last because I am going to have one of them buried.

The Couple Sharing An E-Scooter On The Way Home - If such disregard for E-Scooter safety laws is anything to go by, at least one of them is going to die horrifically in a road accident. Good.

The Couple Working Out Together In The Gym - It’s always a treat when the equipment you want to use is taken up by not one but two people with equally (but somehow wildly different versions of) bad form. Why are you sticking your feet out so far mate, you trying to seduce other women with those absolute dogs? If your partner cannot call out your flaws and help you fix them, the relationship is doomed. I just hope the breakup is bad enough that they’re forced to use seperate gyms rather than being divided to clog up two machines simultaneously.

The Couple Making Out In The Glasshouse Bathroom Cubicles - While I could not see any red flags due to the high walls, I could definitely hear them. There was a complete lack of passion from both parties and the guy was somehow thrusting in a 9/8 rhythm which matched well with the lazy venue choice, at least walk a few steps further to do it in the laundrette! You get extra space AND the chance to clean your clothes at the end of, as they described it to the security team, ‘5 minutes of yoga’

Dan Saxotweet

University of York To Release Aumni Scratch n Sniff Stickers

In order to allow alumni to better reminisce about their heyday at York, the University has decided to bring out a set of scratch and sniff stickers to help jog people’s memories.

These stickers will include a number of smells such as: “Beer/Sweat” to bring back those good memories of getting drunk and dancing very close to strangers in the ancient city of York,

“‘

Eau de asbestos” a Derwent speciality, made with asbestos extracted from the beating heart of the University itself;

“Vintage milk” For all those who left milk a little too long to pass the Morrissons sniff test; and “What's that smell? Has something died behind the fridge!?”

This will hopefully allow alumni to come together over their experiences and times at the University. Alumni are expected to come forward to pick up these stickers and distribute them at any events or reunions that they decide to attend.

Matt Davis

'Summer Bucket List' Competition Winner Announcement!

Nobody won.

We legitimately got zero entries.

If you did not enter, please tell us why underneath the 'Summer Bucket List' posts on our socials!

Dan Saxotweet

University To Give Discount on ‘Thank You University Of York’ Cards

Students this week were rejoicing over the news that the University of York would be offering discounts on their range of ‘Thank You University of York’ cards. The University has already seen unprecedented demand for the cards over the summer, with students wanting to thank the institution for their unparalleled financial support throughout both the pandemic and the cost of living crisis. So in scenes of characteristic generosity the university is to take 50p off of every card to help students thank them in these times of unprecedented challenge, meaning you can now purchase 4 cards for just £15! See below a range of cards that you can directly send to the real heroes of York.

Is the Lecturer’s Mental Breakdown Likely to Be in the Final Exam?

Help! I’ve emailed my tutor, but they haven’t responded yet and I’m starting to get worried. In the week 5 lecture on syllabic structure, my phonology lecturer launched into a thirty-minute tirade about what it means to be married. In the middle of a discussion about the obligatory contour principle, the professor suddenly fell to his knees and prostrated himself before us, pulling his wedding ring off his finger and launching it at a student who had walked in late. He continued to hurl abuse at the student, but I couldn’t take note of what he was saying because he was talking too fast. The lecture recording cut off early too after he slammed his head into the desk so I can’t watch it either. The exam is coming up and I don’t know whether what he said is going to be in it or not.

I know this seems like a strange place to post this, but no-one will respond to my emails or messages, but thankfully these idiots will literally publish anything.

Adam Berry

New Societies To Look Out For

Another year at the University of York means another chance for students to set up many new student groups. Here are a few recently formed societies that you may wish to join

Bill From The Pub Society: After the success of special interest societies in figures such as Louis Theroux and Danny Devito, a group of students created a society to celebrate Bill Fromthepub, a regular at a certain Heslington pub. Their activities include dragging bar workers into long rambling conversations with their strongly held opinions on the rail strikes and sharing their outrage at the lack of knowledge children in cities have about the size of sheep.

CUMsoc: the Christian Union Magazine society, or 'CUMsoc' to its friends, is a new society dedicated to the creation and of a magazine promoting Christian values such as the importance of remaining chaste.

Christmas Dinner Society: Do you wish it could be christmas every week? If so then this could be the society for you. They have Christmas Dinner socials once a week with all the trimmings including those tense conversations which almost veer towards topics that would lead to an all-out argument until someone asks if they could have some more gravy.

LonerSoc: Don’t like people? Maybe you could find a community of like-minded people in LonerSoc. Good luck finding them though, they have yet to announce any sort of schedule for meeting.

Matt Davis

Can YOU Help This Hippo Find The Psychology Building On Campus So That He Can Study The Hippocampus?

Imagine the scene; it is 8:52am on a Tuesday morning, and the usual half-asleep crowd of students around you on campus is broken up by a 1.5 tonne hippopotamus that appears to be clumsily balancing a bunch of expensive psychology textbooks on his horrifically slimy back. He makes a b-line towards you and you panic, thinking this must be the ‘ person’ you can’t remember snogging at Freshers that your mates still make fun of you for. However, even if you did once hit up that hippo, he doesn’t seem to remember.“‘Scuse me, mate, do you know which bit of campus this is?’ The hippo asks, nervously fiddling with his massive hippo-sized keycard lanyard. Do you...

A - Tell him the truth; he’s on the bridge outside Central Hall!

B - Lie, in an attempt to get this one night stand away from you as quickly as possible, saying ‘this is the York St Johns lunch queue, we don’t even know what psychology is here!’

C - It’s been a slow few months for you, and in all honesty you’re in no position to reject this second chance at adequate hippopussymussy. So you tell him ‘I’m not sure, I’m rather new around these parts, but it sure seems like it’s somewhere hot though’ as you undo several shirt buttons.

‘Ah, alright, cool cool’ said the Hippo, not completely reassured by your hesitation.'Sorry, I'm not normally like this, I'm from Durham but I got rejected by their university for gnawing the Head of Administration's frontal lobe off, I couldn't help it I just really love looking at hippocampi! So it's taken me a while to settle in and get comfortable enough to go into university, especially with the nationwide police search for me. Do you know how to get to the Psychology Building from here then?'

A - You tell the Hippo exactly what route he needs to take to the Psychology Building, giving him helpful tips on the quickest route to take, as well as advice on which departmental buildings to avoid to not run into trainee cops who could blow his cover (PPE, Economics, Maths).

B - You insist that the building is on East Campus, and the only bus there is about to leave, he'd better run!

C - You love a bad boy, and a murderous scholar with a dad bod is H-O-T. You give him your home address and justify to yourself why you can afford to miss the next week's worth of lectures.

'Nice one, thanks ' says the Hippo, who has almost figured out your vibe.'Also, random question, but were you at Flares Thursday on Freshers Week?'

A - You politely tell the Hippo no, you were at a classy but inexpensive cocktail bar that night instead, like the absolute neek you are.

B - You point behind him and gasp in fake horror ‘is that friend of the cops, and known hippo hater, Wayne Campbell? I think it is, oh shit he’s got a gun!’ you cry as you fling yourself over the bridge into the lake below

C - You don't hang about; you are already inside the Hippos mouth.

Mostly A’s - Congratulations, the hippo made it to the psychology building on campus shenanigan-free, and went on to complete a PhD on the hippocampus!

Mostly B’s - The hippo got so scared and confused by your wrong directions that it died. You monster. You tore apart a whole hippopotamus family just because you forgot who you kissed in Flares, it wasn’t even him, it was me! I wrote this whole piece just to get in touch, you said you’d text me, what happened to us?

Mostly C’s - Flash forward to early May. You have lost your deposit due to the five times your broken bedframe has had to be replaced. Every one of your flatmates hates you due to the state your Hippofriend leaves the toilet in, and also the time he ate Mikey after a night out. At the foot of your bed Mr Pottamus has his face in books, stressed about the exam tomorrow. You get up to hug him but that mud-like warmth is not there anymore, that unique smell you loved at the start just smells like you now, and it's a smell you're starting to hate. Mr Pottamus shrugs you off 'I'm sorry, I just need... no, I'm OK' he lies. You turn and try not to cry, not that he'd notice if you did at this point anyway.

One Of Each - A convoy of police submarines emerge from the lake, and every student in the crowd reveals themselves to be an undercover cop with a shotgun. The Chief of Police steps out of the biggest and shiniest submarine and slaps massive handcuffs on the hippo. ‘That’s right’ the chief boasts to the hippo. 'The only reason they have been giving you such conflicting responses is because they are a really terrible undercover cop who can’t get their story right!’ The hippo doesn’t move. The chief shakes him. Oh no! It’s a wooden decoy hippo! Your terrible ruse was figured out ages ago and the hippo got away scott free - if you want a more satisfying ending, you better pick a series of answers that make basic sense, you freak!

Dan Saxotweet

Get Through The Cost Of Living Crisis With Mindfulness!

We spend our entire lives as three people: the person in the past who wants to change things that have happened, the person in the future who worries about every single path you could take before you even get to the crossroads, and the person in the present who spends most of their day worrying about the other two. But imagine if you could stop worrying about the two people who are not you, and instead bring all your focus to the person who is you; the present you? That is mindfulness.

Now you may be wondering ‘I cannot afford next month’s heating bills and the bar that I worked at closed down due to energy costs, how the blithering fuck does this mindfulness shit help me?’. Well, mindfulness is an incredibly useful tool where you don't exist in the past, you don't exist in the future, instead you only exist in the present and focus on the things you and your parents' trust fund can control. This way you recognise that things outside your control (such as prices, or employment opportunities, or shivering) are not worth putting your mental energy into, allowing you to pour your energy into things you can control like loving yourself, loving your friends and completing my ‘Make Happy Happen’ journal (available from my store for only £24.99.)

I always believe that your mental and physical selves are linked in some invisible way, so it is important you make your body mindful too. The 'Iceman' Wim Hof popularised a breathing technique where you take deep breaths and then hold your breath for a minute, and I found this really helped! When I get nervous after texting my parents to ask for more money, I take 30 deep breaths and by the time I've finished holding my breath they will have sent the money over and I feel fine again!

Adopting mindfulness has allowed me to turn so much of my energy into love, and freed up time to meet up with friends who I haven’t had a chance to see since my hustle journey began! I even had a chance to socialise with old friends who have been less fortunate than myself, and it’s amazing to see how Durham graduates have persevered through what must be an especially challenging time for them. If they won’t let one substandard grade get them down, you shouldn’t let one month without lights get you off track to your goals!

Student Diet Discovered to Increase Life Expectancy

Skipping meals, pot noodles, and having pizza when you can’t be bothered to cook. It’s better than you think! A recent study done by nutrition scientists at the University of Hungerford has found that the student diet of having foods with a high salt, fat, and sugar content at random times of the day has been observed to have increased the life expectancy of students by up to 15%.

Scientists believe that this is the case due to the fact that the student diet forms a perfect mixture once mixed with stomach acid, which prevents the development of infections and diseases. Sadly it is also believed to prevent the development of people's minds, leading to people who follow this diet becoming locked in a student mindset - so be prepared to make some poor life choices should you follow this diet. But you’re reading The Lemon Press so you’re probably fine with that.

Matt Davis

Rhythmic Pounding In Room Next Door Just A Shy Neighbour Trying To Communicate in Morse Code

You’ve just moved into halls and you’re already hearing the rhythmic bumps, thumps, and cries of your next door neighbour. They’re just a socially awkward geek trying to say hello in Morse code! Four thumps followed by another two thumps is just your neighbour saying ‘Hi’. Say hi back and see where this takes you. If they start up in the morning with two slow drives into your wall, followed by a thump and then two more lingering pounds, you’re onto a winner. They’re saying ‘GM’ for good morning. Spread the love by unleashing a torrent of ‘GM’ blows back until they’re stunned into appreciative silence.

Don’t be constrained by single or two wall thinking either. You’ll often have someone above you and someone below you too. Listen out for those movements and return the greetings. If you take a fancy to someone in your flat why not play a late night melody through the water system? The glugs and gurgles of the water pipes are your soldiers in the fields of fascination. They can learn to carry a love sonnet or two with diligent practice. This has the personal touch that's all the rage these days.

In the next issue of The Lemon Press I will be running you through all the best pick-up lines you can use on the security guard that will be called to your room by the end of the week. Number 3 works a charm!

Dan Saxotweet

Will Rowan

Next Issue - Why A #DigitalDetox Would Have Stopped Stephen Paddock

Spare Anecdotes

Not got enough stories to keep the Freshers Week convo going? First date chat going dry? Or just need something spicy for induction week icebreakers? Here is a stockpile of spare anecdotes for you to use! The Lemon Press is not responsible for any misfortune, pregnancies or changes in your social status as a result of using the following anecdotes.

Stranger Things Extra‘I was nearly an extra in Stranger Things! No seriously, they filmed one bit in Woolwich Arsenal, it’s that part where one of the Stranger Things comes out of the Upside Down and Millie Bobby Brown is all like “oh no!” Yeah I was meant to be in the crowd behind her for that, but because it’s working with kids they have to do background checks, and, erm, I didn’t get in.’

Middling Concert‘Funny story now that we’ve discussed best and worse concerts, my most middling concert was seeing Green Day about 5 years ago. They were alright, sung their songs, it didn’t blow me away or anything but it was definitely them doing tunes I recognised. The ket being dealt wasn't even particularly moreish, I ended up going home shenanigan free, which is always a bit disappointing.’

York‘I’ve been to York once. Aha, no, not NEW York, silly, there’s an actual place called York! I know! Oh you’d love it, it has one of the lowest crime rates in the country! Yeah, not sure why I led with that either. Erm...it has a nice church? And streets just like out of Harry Potter, don’t worry it was all built before people started reading her tweets or paying attention to the subtext of the goblins, so you can enjoy them guilt free.’

Shitty Sex‘Is this a good time to tell a story about poo? No? Well let me know when, this is a good one, you’ll love it.’

Really Big Chip‘I once went to Five Guys and got a really big chip. No seriously, it was REALLY really long, like longer than the pot it came in, it would have had to have been all coiled up in the pot just to fit, there was some magic shit going down in that restaurant that night. Anyway it wasn’t my chip, but the person I was with, and they didn’t even seem to notice? They just took Excalibur out of the stone, and they were just going to eat Excalibur without even taking a picture of it? So I did the reasonable thing and swiped the chip out of their hand so that it could be appreciated properly. She gets all pissed that I’m “touching her food” and of course the chip broke in half when I did that so now both of us are upset. She walks out, I have to leave to punch a wall, honestly, it was the worst Mothers Day I’ve ever had.

The Gnu Came Back‘So the gnu I was talking about earlier came back. I know, twice in one night, what are the odds? I think they are just attracted to the mint in the lubricant. It was less determined to get in this time, thank God, I feel like she would've left me if I paused Weezer again to deal with it.’

Dan Saxotweet

Hostile Architecture For That One Flatmate’s Partner

You know exactly who I’m talking about, and if you don’t, it’s probably you. Here’s how you can adjust your student house to keep that everpresent never-pleasant extra person away!

Spiked Sofa - A row of spikes can be placed on any student house’s sofa as an easy SOD (‘Significant Other Deterrent’). Lining them between the seat cushions should prevent any unnecessary cuddling or other touching in group settings, under the guise that you’re ‘just trying to keep pigeons off of it’ (a trained stunt pigeon can be hired in advance to justify this SOD).

Tilted Bed - A bed where one half is tilted at a 14 degree angle so it can be sat on but not shared by two people at night. Of course, every bed in the house must be changed to this to prevent the flatmate feeling targeted, as heaven forfend they actually learn the person they love is causing a fixable problem. This does open the risk of either everyone falling out of bed when rolling, or the bed’s tilt making it amazing for certain sex positions, but these risks are worth the payoff.

The Mosquit-this-relationship-o - A modification of the ‘Mostquito’ alarm which played painfully high-frequency noises which only troublesome youthz can hear, this device plays noises that only the SOD-Target can make out. These noises often take

the form of sound clips, such as ‘they’re only with you for the sex’ , ‘their ex was better at it’ and ‘we can tell, the sounds were more genuine and a lot longer before’. The regular Mosquito alarm can also be deployed as a SOD if your flatmate is a bit noncy.

Anti-Anti Rough Sleeping Bars - This nifty SOD can cover up the bench nearest your house so that its own hostile architecture is nullified, allowing your flatmate’s partner to have a nice sleep on it after a night out rather than asking your flatmate to ‘ come back to yours.'

Anti-Skate Device - This one admittedly only works if the partner is (in the gender-neutral sense) a skaterboi whomst you desire to say ‘see you later’ to, but even if not the act of putting up little fixed protrusions around the house for no real reason may weird out anyone else and make them never want to come back. This is also achieved by leaving this magazine around your house.

Dan Saxotweet

The Lemon Press Lore Matching Game

Several readers have told us that previous issues of The Lemon Press have 'far too many in jokes and obscure refereces to understand, to the point where we are questioning whether to be annoyed at them or to call a nurse in order to deal with the sheer amount of imaginary friends and enemies the writers seem to have.' We would like to thank our parents for the feedback, and offer both them and you a chance to test your knowledge and learn some more about our (recent) deep lore along the way. Answers at the bottom, but more questions are found on every other page of this issue.

Good luck, and no cheating (we absolutely will know who cheated, as only about 4 people still at the university will understand all of this).

Local Student Feels Pressured By ‘Bossman’ Title

University of York student Alex Mups recently admitted to ‘feeling under pressure’ after he was bestowed the title of ‘bossman’ by the owner of a kebab truck. Mr Mups, who has been described as ‘just some guy’ by his friends, told The Lemon Press ‘I just wanted to get my regular kebab and chips after a tough night out, and out of the blue after putting my order in the guy serving me anointed me ‘bossman’. It was absolutely harrowing, I have no experience with managing a food cart business, but suddenly I was the boss of this cook!’

Bahz’ ‘Babs is a new kebab truck that recently opened in the same spot where Brian’s ‘Babs operated before it was tragically shut down for ‘multiple food safety violations’, and the owner said he was blown away by Alex’s stature. ‘Mr Mups strolled in with a poise that mostly hid the fact that he had drunk himself to near death throughout the night. The way he screamed for a “kebab and chips please mate, and a bit of that garlic sauce’ showed both his professionalism and his upmost consideration for my hearing difficulties, there is nobody I would rather take orders from.’

Alex has already blown the competition away with his success, already doubling the venue's food safety rating to 2/5.

Answers-1D,2C,3B,4E,5A

Dan Saxotweet

Official Statement ‐ The Queen

During the early production of this issue of The Lemon Press, we attempted to fill the News & Politics section with topical satire. This is a rare thing for The Lemon Press to do, however we thought the cost of living crisis and general state of Britain carried enough tension that we could write effective student-friendly satire that may give people a slight bit of relief through comedic catharsis.

However, at 18:30pm on Thursday 8th September a historic event was announced that began an unprecedented succession processthat’s right, our new Editor was elected in an Emergency General Meeting. This did not change a lot of things, until everyone in the Zoom call checked Twitter and saw that The Queen had passed away (this genuinely happened, a large amount of our committee found out the news when Dan looked at his Twitter feed and abruptly shouted ‘Queen dead!’). And as BBC News has reassured us, the cost of living crisis is ‘insignificant now due to the gravity of the situation’ regarding The Queen, so we understand if readers do not wish to read articles about such irrelevant topics. For such readers, on our website we shall be publishing a series of alternative satirical articles that lovingly pay respect to The Commonwealth’s Rose:

• Funny Pictures Of Corgis!

• What Paddington Bear Would’ve Given To The Other Royals (No, Not That One)

• Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Broke Down In Tears On Hearing The News About The Queen

•' No Way To Prevent This' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

• Some More Funny Corgi Photos In Case You Stumbled Across Our Old Articles About The Queen

Queuing To See Her Majesty, Lying in State ‐ A Diary

Day One.

12PM Wednesday. The queue looks about three miles long, and I’m hoping this is like those deceptively long queues that you get at theme parks and it ends up only being about an hour or so wait.

2PM Wednesday. I haven’t moved an inch. There must be at least a few thousand people behind me now, although the queue tracker seems to say that the queue is all the way in Bradford for some reason. Surely not.

4PM Wednesday. Finally, some movement! Turns out there was this big patch of water in the way preventing anyone from getting past, but now there’s a way around it, as the stewards have figured out the purpose of a bridge.

9PM Wednesday. No further movement. This time the room in the Palace of Westminster where the Queen is lying has a leaky roof, so they’ve had to close it off to the public. Conveniently, all the construction workers have clocked off for the day, so they’re probably moving her body for tomorrow. Oh well, at least I brought some marmalade sandwiches as sustenance.

Day Two.

9PM Thursday. Not much movement, although at least the hall is open again. I’m seriously running out of marmalade sandwiches now. Maybe I should call Paddington.

Day Three.

5PM Friday. This might just be it. I can see Big Ben from here. Wait… where are we going? I thought this was the queue to see the Queen?

Day Five.

1AM Sunday. So apparently this wasn’t the queue to see the Queen. Turns out it was the queue for the Ministry of Sound. Well, I suppose I should make the best out of a bad situation. Time to party till the morning.

1:30 AM Sunday. So apparently they’re closing early out of respect for the Queen. Well that sucks. Makes sense, it is a government department after all.

Ronald Young, Minister for Sounding

The Lemon Press Editors

"A Respectful Tuesday 20th Mosh Pit For The Queen" ‐by Ben Brown

P Piiccttuurreedd: : T Thhe e Q Quueeeen n ((IIn n a abboouut t 1 18 8 m moonntthhss) )

Splishy Sunak Waterpark Opens For Business

After successfully winning the silver medal in the Tory Leadership campaign, financial wifeguy Rishi Sunak has opened his own water park. ‘Splishy Sunak’, which has already become the fifth most popular tourist attraction in Scunthorpe, promises to be ‘a great day out for the whole nuclear family’ and received rave reviews from the mainstream press before it even opened.

A member of the Ready4Splishy team revealed the origin of the park was not all plain sailing. ‘By the time of the membership vote Sunak was going absolutely mad, insisting that all of his policy and campaigning failures were the fault of this fictional PlayStation character who apparently copied his idea to 'absorb relics from the environment to grow in size'. Yeah, the whole team was braced for Rishi to sue Knack, but eventually he was talked into spending his money on lagoons instead of lawyers.’

While a lot of the details have been left characteristically vague, here is a preview of things to expect when you visit Splishy Sunak;

Furlough Flumes - An 80% complete waterslide that everyone in the park can go on at once! We know, they said such a ride wasn’t possible, which is why the flume has already been demolished since we started writing this, sorry!

Good Immigrant Rafts - Rishi's parents both immigrated to the UK and served the local community, now here’s YOUR chance to experience being a Good Immigrant (TM). Hop on one of the rafts, and if you guess which one is the Good Immigrant Raft this month, you win a peaceful ride through the park (hint hint, if you’re going soon, choose the yellow and blue one!) If you guess wrong, you get to pay a visit to the British Battle Galleons!

Electability Slide - It’s a Shakesperian tragedy but in slidey water form! Relive Rishi Sunak’s rise and fall in popularity; start with a rapid projection to the top on a raft of free money, before a slow and elongated spiral downwards as the raft dissolves beneath you, after which you’re brought to an abrupt halt by a wall of Thatcher corpse replicas. Feel free to enjoy the nearby gift shop (a fully stocked pork market).

No Height Limit - Rishi is a man who understands the plight of the short king, so there is no minimum height limit on any ride in the park. Put your baby on the fast log flume, let it's personality hold it in! The only height limit is a maximum 5’10” cap at the local bars that Sunak’s wife visits.

The Eat Out To Help Out Diner - Of course, not everything can be water fun, people need to eat to! Every item on the menu here has the name of a woman, and you need to guess whether you will be brought out a delicious nutritious meal or a spread-legged lady! Since almost every visitor to Splishy Sunak is a Tory, it’s the only place in the park where nothing is wet!

What Twitter‐Verified Visitors Are Saying About

Splishy Sunak

'Confident. Assertive. Smart. Suave. Perfect for a crisis. This is a park that knows what it's doing. Scuthorpe's first entry onto the Seven Wonders Of The World list? I think so - oh god, my leg just got ripped off on the Electability Slide. The park attendants just sold my leg. To a cowboy. He's started eating my leg in front of me while ye-hawing. Thank God we never elected Jeremy Corbyn'.

'All of the food tastes like boot. I love it!'

Park designed and reported on by Dan Saxotweet

Climate Change Campaign To Target Pensioners

Environmental activists are set to target a region of over-65s in a series of campaigns designed to get a generation of older Conservative members to care about climate change. The demographic, described as ‘retired Tory voters who read The Sun daily but think it’s turned into politically-correct Labour nonsense over the past decade’ have shown strong resistance to calls to action from David Attenborough films, Extinction Rebellion protests and their grandchildren politely asking them not to call the climate scientist on TV a slur just because ‘that’s what we called them back in our day.’ However, experts are hopeful this targeted campaign can finally cut through.

Having successfully radicalised Ray Winstone and the UK’s leading Winston Churchill impersonator, the climate campaigners are hoping to tour the retirement homes of the country to give talks on why said pensioners must act now to save Britain. Senior Lemon Press correspondent Jarry Hames was at one such talk at an Age UK centre, and reported back some snippets:

‘It's simple’ began Ray Winstone, ‘if climate change makes the weather nicer, more immigrants will want to come over here, because in Romania or Yugoslavia (where they all come from), they don't have buildings that keep all the nice weather in like we do. Besides, if it gets too hot, the Channel will completely evaporate and all the immigrants could just walk over here, like Moses parting the Red Sea but Muslim.’

‘So what we’ve got to do is try to make it as cold as when we did our 10 mile walks to school in winter, and make it so you have to deserve to live here by putting up with the cold without heating. If we do all we can to make the country cool, then wear a load of knitwear and keep all the warm Bovril to ourselves, we can force most of ‘em out back to their country, where it will presumably still be warm because we got our own ozone layer after leaving the EU. Admittedly the popularity of the hijab may have us checkmated by Allah on the cold weather-wear front, but we’ll deal with them once we’ve sorted the rest out.’

Churchston Winstill completed the talk by wheeling out a life-size cutout of Megan Markle smiling in a sundress, sending the crowd into a frothing two minute frenzy. The verdict of the room was unanimous; this sun thing had to end, now. Each area visited by the tour saw their carbon emissions drop 48%, however this success has been cancelled out by Churchston Winstill insisting on travelling authentically and thus commuting across the country in a full sized steam train.

Dan Saxotweet

Leo DiCaprio Receiving Therapy For ‘Phobia of MILFS’

Hollywood star Leonardo DiCaprio received an outpouring of support this month after he revealed he is getting therapy for his 'chronic' fear of MILFS. The news came as Leo confessed he only dates women aged 25 and under because ‘26 is the age when most young traveller railcards run out, therefore putting them at risk of becoming a MILF’

‘There is just something about hot mothers and fathers that terrifies me’ a teary Leo confessed to Oprah. ‘Is it their confidence, their gentle yet constant reminder of beauty’s mortality that scares me? I have no idea but I just cannot deal with anyone giving off 'ILF; vibes. I only won an Oscar for The Revenant because they told me the bear was being played by a caked-up father of three there’s no way I could have acted so scared for my life if they just used a real bear.’

One celebrity psychologist commented that ‘Leonardo falls into the unusual camp of not being a nonce but also having a deeply entrenched fear of older motherly figures who people are sexually attracted to, making him unique in the Hollywood sphere.’ The news does seem to add fuel to the online theories that the iceberg from Titanic was in fact played by a yoga enthusiast in her late 40s, and that James Cameron’s hit film was in fact a metaphor for how suppressed fondness for the older generations shall only lead to destruction.

When asked by The Lemon Press about this theory, Mr Cameron grabbed our reporter, screamed for fives minutes about ‘the blue people, oh my fucking god the blue people, I’ve spent the past two months editing a tail-sex-orgy for the fourth film, there are not enough dimensions to show it properly’ before passing out in a pool of his own sweat.

Top Ten Positions He Can’t Last In

1. Prime Minister - It just never works out, does it?

Ava Young

Dan Saxotweet

Kier Starmer 'Still Relevant' Says Experts

Our writers disagree. Come back for #StarmerContent next issue! The Lemon Press Editors

Sir Ian McKellen Reveals That He Brought Down Woolworths in His Fourth Autobiography

Alongside stories from his personal life, McKellen’s new autobiography contains surprising details on how he brought down the company Woolworths.

You may have heard the story of the collapse of Woolworths being used in grand narratives about the growth of online shopping. However in 'As yet untitled' McKellen reveals that he is personally responsible for the collapse of Woolworths after he and a gang of actor friends (who will remain unnamed but were undeniably some of his coworkers from the Lord of the Rings), raided a Woolworths warehouse just before the Christmas rush so they could hand presents to children and live their dreams of becoming Father Christmas.

Ian McKellen also discussed how he figured out the secret to time travel but is unwilling to share further as to how it actually works. Instead, he uses it to explain his hijinks in the Phoenician Empire, where he spent time as a maritime trade advisor.

Critics are accusing McKellen of ‘making things up’ because he didn’t have anything more to say about his life to spread over another autobiography. But fans of the national treasure argue that he would never do such a thing and even if he did, it is not hurting anyone for him to say it.

Matt Davis

Biden Announces Russian Cock Cage Closures

Following a targeted list of asset freezes and other sanctions, Biden has unveiled plans to close every cock cage in Russia. As of Saturday 9:00 ET, all cock cages east of Königsberg will be locked.

It is believed this will affect those involved in the war particularly hard and could even lead to a uprising led by an unusally attractive army. A senior aide within the Biden administration told us ‘it’s like a no-fly zone for the crotch, we’re hitting them where it hurts.’

Biden spoke earlier from the Capitol: ‘They will find their… cocks… closed for business until Putin stops his invasion of Ukraine.’ He also stated that, ‘All of our international partners have agreed that they will not provide parts or perform servicing for any cock cage used by a citizen of the Russian Federation.’

Tom Harwood told The Lemon Press: ‘I unequivocally oppose this punitive measure’ as he took a comically large wrench to his crotch.

Britons Urged To 'Burn Nonces' This Winter

Water 2 Startup Announced

Following the previous success of Water 1, a new startup company is looking to replicate it in a way that can be replicated in the modern age. With an aim to ‘combine resources that are available in the modern day to both replicate and enhance the user experience with their Water’, Softbank are already said to be interested in investing.

Prime Minister Liz Truss this week urged struggling residents of Britain to 'burn nonces' in order to keep their houses and businesses warm this winter. The announcement comes as senior government ministers fear nationwide fuel shortages, and whilst the number of registered sex offenders in the UK has not changed drastically, the number of people 'giving noncy vibes' has reached an all-time high.

In a speech outside Downing Street, Lizz Truss said ‘our country is facing two great crises, both in terms of cost of living and in terms of vibes. Not only will you be doing your country a great service by setting fire to a nonce, but you will also find they are a great source of fuel due to the amount of sweets they carry on them to lure children. In fact, it only takes 4.7 theme park enthusiasts to heat a five-bedroom house for an entire year! Increasing our national reserve of nonces is my main priority as Prime Minister for this very reason.’

Some political commentators have praised the plan, with one tweeting 'The British public have three great loves: warm fireplaces, following instructions from authority, and the painful murder of pedophiles. By uniting these three, our new Iron Lady has forged her first infinity gauntlet and with three stones she has snapped Britain out of a crisis. I love her!’ However, several experts have urged the government to be clearer with their messaging after multiple cast members of 'The Burn Notice' were stoned to death by expats. The Prime Minister’s spokesperson defended the move, saying ‘we did not warn the cast as we honestly didn’t think anyone remembered the show existed.’

Dan Saxotweet

Dan Saxotweet

How To Write Satire About Britain In 2022

I’m going to keep it real here. At time of writing the issue’s deadline is but a few weeks away, I have just sat down to write some News and Politics content, and my Twitter is filled with two discussions about (presumably now) Prime Minister Liz Truss’ happiness to use nuclear weapons and her fear of mice. There is no way that I can write meaningful satire about a political class so fundamentally ridiculous... but YOU can, by following these tips!

Inhale The Fumes - Whether it be car exhausts, people burning battery-powered appliances just to keep their house warm, or the weird smelling thing coming from the room with the beeping alarm, there are plenty of fumes around these days. So just inhale them! You don’t get hardly anything for free these days, so you take those free gases and shove ‘em in your lungs until you can form cohesive thoughts about British politics!

Make References To Sex - If you are sitting down to write an article directly satirising Britain in your free time, there’s a chance you may be in a prolonged dry spell of up to several decades in length! If so, just fill your commentary with a load of references to sexual positions and how to make people orgasm, as your knowledge may be so off-the-mark that people just assume you’re satirising something!

Method Acting - Some of the best satire comes from people writing a piece from a fictional perspective to demonstrate the ridiculousness of said viewpoint. And if method acting is good enough for the star of ‘Morbius’, it’s good enough for you! For example, if you want to write like a Tory student, don’t just sit down and write. Take yourself to Waitrose! Tut at a student

protest! Go out and kill a fox! Kill one! Do it! I’m serious! Go out and kill a fox right now! I’m not moving on until you do!

Kill A Fox - See I told you I would not move on, have you killed it yet? I’m waiting. I literally have all day, I am words on a page, I could not go anywhere even if I wanted to.

Commit To The Bit - I don’t actually want you to kill a fox. You see what I did there? I committed to a ‘bit’, for far too long, until I could work out how to make it funny again. That is the ultimate truth about modern satire; it is not about how good the idea is, it is about how long you can commit to repeating the idea until the idea’s agonising repetition becomes funny in its own right. So go on, write that post about how Jacob Reese Mogg is just the haunted spirit of your murdered ex who is deliberately voting for bad policies to make you fall out of love and move on! Then write 5 sequels until someone gifts you a Mogg bodypillow!

Move To Another Country - Probably the best idea, they might have an actual perspective on things in all honesty

Dan Saxotweet

Copies Of The Lemon Press Dumped In Britain's Beaches

Record numbers of Lemon Press magazines were found in waters close to Britain's beaches, amidst growing concerns at the amount of raw sewage being dumped into the sea. The report found that up to 6000 pages had been pumped out into Whitby Bay in the past year alone, and whilst the paper had been completely dissolved the stench of bitter snark has been driving away tourists in droves.

One beachgoer said 'I went out for an early morning swim and swallowed a mouthful of lumpy brown sludge, which was a welcome change from tasting bits of The Lemon Press'. It is unclear which group is responsible for the mass dumping of Lemon Press magazines. An unnamed society of recycling enthusiasts were suspected, however they have been out of the country as of late due to a nitrous oxide leak in their studio. A second group was ruled out due to the contamination being concentrated on local beaches rather than unnecessary focusing on large national ones.

Whilst most of the pages in the sea were just Page 7 of Issue 52, which is said to reveal the true identity of D B Cooper and the location of the new on-campus nightclub, however traces of all 52 issues have been detected across the UK. Distressingly high amounts of Lemon Press have been detected by Thames Water in Dartford, which is said to be 'the cleanest that water supply has been in decades.'

When asked about the issue, a spokesdan for The Lemon Press said 'this is clearly a mistake, the UKs water is polluted by a mixture of different print media sources, water samples only match with The Lemon Press due to how well we have mimicked and satirised their styles in the past'.

Dan Saxotweet

Guy Miserably Thrusting Into You

Finally Ends Out of Respect for The Queen

It started out alright but it’s time to end. Tom, James, Jack? He’s been going too long and frankly the news would be more interesting right now.

Lexapro has him in a vice but thankfully on this day of all days he’s finishing out of respect.

E.R. Ynard

In terrible news for all honest gun fans worldwide, every good guy with a gun in the world was shown to be taking part in a massive conga line during the most recent mass shooting. The conga was reportedly over a mile long but still several miles away from whatever mass shooting happened at the time of print. In a case of unfortunate timing all the good guys with guns thought they were safe to have a night off due to the nearinfinite amount of shootings they had stopped in the past month due to their sheer presence, and the assumption that the scale of the previous shooting meant the bad guys had used up all of their bullets.

Liz Trussy

Plans to Save Housing Crisis by Building Flats on Wet‐Wipe Island

In the wake of Boris Johnson’s resignation, Rishi Sunak led his campaign with a pitch to solve the country’s housing crisis by moving people onto Wet-Wipe Island. This landmass, consisting entirely of unflushable wet-wipes growing in the Thames, now possesses the dimensions of two tennis courts. The solution seems obvious. The plan to construct a new housing estate on the island promises to solve the UK’s housing crisis indefinitely.

‘In the leadup to and aftermath of Brexit over the last few years, there has been much division amongst the British people,’ Sunak declared during a debate, ‘now is time to unite. We must come together as a country and mercilessly cram those unflushable wipes through the u-bend, so that they might join this valuable landmass.’ The HSE have labelled this plan ‘probably fine’, and reception from the British public was looking positive as Sunak combatted Liz Truss for the position of No.10’s supreme arsewiper.

’

A spokesman for the newly-created NRYAY said ‘it would have helped if at least one of the good guys with guns had been a loner weirdo who nobody liked enough to invite to the conga, but dammit those good guys with guns are just too fricking likeable not to be included in the good party times! We should have seen this coming when we asked everyone capable of stopping a shooting to put their guns in a massive pile in the coatroom, but what would have happened if someone set their rifle up during a particularly enthusiastic conga kick? Someone could rupture an eardrum!

‘But alas, the unthinkable happened and a shooting took place whilst the conga was in full swing. In a list of all things that we wanted to happen, this one particular event was not high up on that list, in fact I would go far as to say that it is not on that list of things we wanted to happen at all! It could in fact be the one thing not on that list!’

‘The guilt of the whole affair will probably be very damaging to their mental healths, which will obviously require us to find even more good guys with guns to ensure the gun owners currently in possession of both a gun and a bad mental state do not go on their own rampage, especially during the paintball party we have planned next month!’

Dan Saxotweet

Phoebe Rhodes

Dan Saxotweet

A Day in the Life of a Hunter‐Gatherer

8 am: Breakfast time! I have a pretty active lifestyle so usually a bundle of twigs suffices but if I’m feeling particularly indulgent (or if it’s a weekday) I’ll add some berries I tore off my neighbour’s hedge for extra protein.

8:15 am: I’m still (bizarrely) super hungry after breakfast so I have some more twigs.

12pm: Time to be a menace! I usually go to my local park to forage (and physically fight) for my food, just like nature wanted me to. I have to be careful, however, as many of the locals have complained about my ‘intimidating’ and ‘insane’ behaviour (re: I wrestled a dog for a tree branch).

3pm: Power nap in a bush somewhere. Often pedestrians mistake me for being dead or homeless during my semicomatose state so I always keep a fog horn with me to fend off potential attackers, or if I’m craving a bit of attention.

3:15pm: A ‘concerned citizen’ asks me if I’m okay during my power nap, leading to a series of unfortunate events that ends with me being arrested for disorderly conduct and ‘disturbing the peace.’

7pm: My privatised veterinarian (doctors have given up trying to help me) refuses to pay my bail so a night in the jail cell it is! The guards offer me dinner but I refuse, reassuring them that licking the cell bars will more than suffice.

7. 45 pm: I am hospitalised with lead poisoning.

8 pm: I tragically perish.

Bring the Autumn Aesthetic Into Your Room With These Simple Design Tips

Everyone loves the changing of the seasons where the air starts to get a little cooler and everyone begins to huddle under blankets with hot chocolates. Here is a simple guide on how to bring a little bit more of that energy into your decoration:

Dead Leaves: Who doesn’t love the sight of fallen reddish brown leaves as they step out into the crisp autumn air? Collecting some of these and bringing them inside would recreate those warm tones that you are drawn to in cooler weather. It may get a little dusty eventually but this is the perfect way to truly bring that feeling of being outside inside.

An Open Fire: Number one on the contraband list in most rental flats and houses, an open fire makes for an excellent centrepiece. Remember to make sure that you keep it well away from any dry wood you might be hiding in your room, unless you want to ruin that nice cool but cosy vibe and opt for a more ‘infernos of hell’ type vibe.

Bucket Loads of Water: We all love the sound of the rain, the feel of it even(so long as you come prepared.) Recreate a bit of that classic York flooding season by pouring buckets of water into your room. The rooms are already damp, what’s a bit more water, eh?

Matt Davis

Ava Young

How to Reject Someone Without Hurting Their Feelings

Rejecting someone’s romantic feelings can be really hard. So I’m here to make things even worse. Here are my top tips on how to let someone down with ease.

- Tell them that you have an impressive track record of your partners suggesting a ‘swing club for fun!’ only to inevitably leave you for the person they actually wanted.

- Ask them things like: Do you even care about Brendan Fraser? Do you even care about the ‘brenaissance’ he’s currently going through? No? Then how could you possibly expect me to have sex with you?

- Tell them that you’re currently expecting a child with Nick Cannon, or that you are one of his offspring. Both of these statements are just as likely to be 100% true and accurate.

- Start a smear campaign against your partner so other people no longer want to see you two together. Make sure to lie to them when confronted with this reprehensible behaviour. Some people call this ‘gaslighting’ but I call it a ‘remix of the truth.’

- Tell them you’re seeing someone else and that someone is their dad.

Ava Young

Debunking Sex Myths

Well Dressed Sperm Are More Likely To Reach The Egg First ­ Myth!

‘Have you ever seen a load of sperm in a top hat and fancy waistcoat? Would you like to?’ We’ve all heard this classic chat up line at the York Races, however the follow-up claim that such smartly dressed sperm will lead to faster and more successful pregnancy due to their abilities to charm and network their way into the egg are completely unfounded.

People From Belgium Cannot Orgasm Myth!

This rumour began after an unspecified York college sports team took a week-long trip to Brussels, after which it was conclusively reported that Belgians cannot orgasm either on command or with assistance. Such a claim has been conclusively debunked, chiefly through the ‘Personal Life’ section of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Wikipedia, however the methods used by the team to generate this data have yet to be further tested for validity. Thank God.

If There's a Fly In The Room, It's Technically Beastiality ­ Myth!

Put your fears of fly-based exhibitionism to rest! The law only describes the act as beastiality if the room contains three flies, two flies and a goldfish, or one fly and a parrot that has a previous reputation for mimicking actions as well as noises.

It's Just Work Stress ­ True!

Please don't question this one.

Men Only Get Circumcised To Prevent People Sneaking Into Their Foreskin And Getting Across The Border Without Proper Paperwork Myth!

There are many reasons why men choose to be circumcised and international border security is not one of them. Instead, uncircumcised men over the age of 35 are advised to tie up the end of their genitalia with at least three stitches of needle and thread 48 hours before leaving Britain, to prevent anyone wanting to escape this cursed island without the right forms. All men should remember to check ‘down there’ after any local or general election in case someone is hiding and hoping for a lucky break!

You Need A Licence Fee To Play The Apprentice Theme During Sex ­ Myth!

The well known Apprentice theme is actually a classical piece titled Dance of the Knights, so you can enjoy a night of slow melodramatic thrusts and sudden quicker thrusting royalty free! Remember, in on the first beat and out on the second, no rushing!

If The Queen Dies During Orgasm You Have To Hold It For 7 Days Myth!

This old wives tale has been widely believed to be true and to also apply if any other member of the Royal Family dies, however, the rumour that such a law exists was only circulated by Palace staff to explain where the Queen went in the aftermath of Lady Diana's death. [This article was written in June, all facts correct at time of writing - Eds]

My Boyfriend’s Love Language Is Polish, Yet Mine Is Gift‐

Giving ‐ What Do I Do?

The first night we spent together we laid in his bed afterwards and talked about whatever until the sun started to bleed through the blinds. I remember him telling me about his love for old picture frames; the simple yet ornate geometry of them really fascinated him. So, in town the next day, walking through charity shops, I saw this frame that had the appearance of speckled marble with a golden piped border. It was beautiful, I was sure he was going to love it. That night, back at his place, he accepted the gift with a genuine, wide smile and gently proffered his hand to me. He held me close in his arms, stroking my hair with his soft touch. As my head fell further into his chest, I knew that I loved this man. Suddenly, he pulled back, grabbed my head with his hands and said in a voice I hadn’t heard before, ‘Pieprzyć ramkę do zdjęć, rozbieraj się i kładź się do łóżka, chcę włożyć twoje uda do ust, ’ or something to that effect. I’m not quite sure what he meant by that or what I should do. Can anyone help me?

Adam Berry

"Something to confuse the freshers and them to Bill Coles" ‐ Will Rowan

Dan Saxotweet

How Quickly Peppa Pig Characters Will Be Put Against The Wall When The Revolution Starts

Peppa Pig - Vlogging channels were not around when Thatcher was growing up, however if they were then young Thatcher’s vlogs would be identical to the adventures of Peppa Pig. Take everything, give nothing back to those who need it. Have you ever seen that episode where Peppa visits the miners? Of course you haven’t, she’s had the time to visit Buckingham Palace and the fucking moon but not a mine shaft because she hates the unions, she’s an obvious Thatcherite and should rightly be put against the wall within the first hour of the revolution.

George The Pig - Can you educate a two-year old and prevent him from becoming the despot he so clearly is on the path to becoming? No. You can’t. So he must die. Maybe save him until the end so I can be proven right about how he won’t get better with age.

Daddy Pig - Daddy Pig strikes me as one of those parents with surprisingly good politics, like he's not particularly well-informed but he would only ever vote Tory if it was the option that would drastically improve the state of local bin collections. Even still, given how his children have turned out, his genes are clearly infected with Thatcherism and so must be one of the first against the wall.

Mummy Pig - I cannot get a read of her politics, she should probably be put somewhere in the middle of the queue so we can monitor her reactions to the executions and go from there. Admittedly this reaction may be skewered slightly by her watching her beloved family members being in the way of a bullet, urgently trying to check if it left its keys in a nearby wall, but if she was an ally she would understand.

Mr Potato - The personification [potatofication? - Ed] of commercialised celebrities in the Peppa Pig universe. But I believe I can fix this potato, as he clearly despises his status as much as I do. I will show him how to burn down his theme parks and redistribute his food products to the people who need it, to send a message to the people that the revolution is in full effect. I will free him, I will change him, I might even love him.

Miss Rabbit - It's complicated. On the surface Miss Rabbit is a working class hero, holding down several jobs only to end the day returning to her muddy hole in the ground. However, since she appears to hold every job in the town, that probably means she is a landlord too and as such must be the first against the wall. I'm sorry, but our culture is not your cosplay, maybe if you stopped hoarding all the jobs that you don't need and focused on fixing houses you wouldn’t find yourself so quickly up against the wall.

Grandpa Dog - Now here's a man who has wanked over Page 3 at least twice in his life. And you can absolutely imagine the noise he makes at the point of orgasm, too. More UKIP than Tory, he would not be the first against the wall but he can definitely hear the first gunshot from his place in the queue.

The Queen - The actual human Queen is in this show [this article was genuinely written for last issue and didn’t make it in. As a result, the ending of this article about a bloody revolution has been removed - Eds]

Dan Saxotweet Mimi Nuts

Why I Can’t Top The Top Gun From Top Gun: Maverick

I’m sorry to report it has finally happened; me and The Biggest Worm From Dune (2021) have split up. Despite our sexual success, we both learned recently that Wormy was technically a GILF in sandworm years, and the fundamental issue of us not being able to have children was too much to overcome. The last I heard, Wormy had been seen around town with the cloud from Nope, but I don’t care. I don’t. I was back on the scene the second that fucking slithery traitor signed the divorce papers (it’s suprisingly good at holding small objects in its sucky, moist pores) and immediately scooped another hot date - the Boeing 18F Super Hornet from Top Gun: Maverick, with Tom Cruise inside.

The hookup went well initially,but there were some issues once we got down to business. Firstly, as a top my hip thrusts have become so powerful from trying to pleasure the huge worm that they absolutely destroyed the armour of the jet, leaving dent after massive dent like a siege weapon against the jet walls and frightening poor Tom Cruise. The 18F happily consented to bruising, but how are you meant to enjoy aftercare if you’re trying to cuddle a wing that’s misfigured into the shape of your own groin?

Additionally, jet fuel is a terrible lubricant, it might not be able to melt most steel beams but it can sure as hell heat up MY one to unbearable temperatures! Poor Tom kept panicking about the burning smell, at one point he had to call his mum because he read online that smelling burning toast was a sign of a stroke. This was a sexually confusing moment, having to speak to Tom Cruise’s mum through the jet tannoy mid-thrust to reassure her that he was safe and fine, and the mixture of emotions gave me a climax that I hadn't felt since I realised mid-blowjob my ex looked just like my strictest Primary School teacher.

All that happened last week, and last night I got a 3am "WHRRRRRRRPT-T-T-TWRRzzzzzzWRRRRR", which is jet plane speak for ‘u up, also Tom Cruise is asleep inside of my cockpit so try not to wake him please’, and I felt conflicted. As much as I wanted to destroy that 18Fussy, I realised that I was just destroying myself even more. I've just been looking for bigger and more famous beasts to sexually fix, when the biggest and most famous beast was the one inside myself the whole time! My destiny wasn't to top the Top Gun from Top Gun: Maverick, it was to top my own demons! I was going to do meditation! Start a journal! Take myself on little coffee shop dates!

Then they announced Dune: Part 2 had started filming…

Taylor Swift Personally Responsible for Killing All the Polar Bears

After coming under-fire for her lack of care for her overuse of her private jet, Taylor Swift responded by doubling down on her habits, flying to the Arctic and personally killing a grand sum of 2024 polar bears. Taylor was caught ‘Red’ handed with ‘Bad Blood’ on her hands in the arctic saying, ‘Don’t Blame Me’ ‘You Need to Calm Down’ it gives ‘Me! (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! At The Disco)’ ‘Happiness’ , ‘That’s Life’ ‘You’ ‘Stupid Boy’ .

A few of the polar bears were seen being torn apart limb-by-limb by sheer force of the 3,000 degree blaze. In an exclusive statement to The Lemon Press, one polar bear’s limbs said ‘We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together!’ This bear was an outlier since many of Swift’s victims were incinerated beyond recognition, with Swift saying ‘No Body, No Crime (ft HAIM)’

Whilst this ‘Mad Woman’ and violence ‘Lover’ carried out the arctic rampage for the duration of a ‘Cruel Summer’, the peak of the bloodshed was in ‘August’ when Brendon Urie of Panic! At The Disco joined her for these ‘Illicit Affairs’ ‘Tis The Damn Season to be killing polar bears’ Taylor was heard screaming on June 21st. Ms Swift did attempt to overcome her murderous tendencies however, and on ‘The Best Day’ she restrained herself into only killing ‘Fifteen’. This did not last long, and she ended up averaging '22' murdered bears per day.

When asked for further comment all she had to say was ‘I will kill as many polar bears as I like and still sell more records in a month than any other artist does in a year.’ After she finished talking she took a flamethrower to an iceberg that a family of seals was resting on and watched as they fled. Sadly, they lacked a ‘Getaway Car’ and were eaten by the last remaining polar bear. Matt Davis (feat. Dan Saxotweet)

Dan Saxotweet

By Dan Saxotweet

22/23 Gaming Lowdown

Here’s the deal; before university I was hugely Gamerpilled. I would play them, I would watch people play them, I would watch people talk about why other people who talk about people who play games are bad people. I was ALL IN, until I came to York without my PS4 or gaming PC. Since then, I’ve barely thought about them. Now I am in my 5th and final year as a student, I feel like I have to get back in the game. So, I’ve loaded up a big list of every game coming out in the next year, and I’m going to go through the until I feel like I can log back into Reddit and have a fully-informed debate about how SJWs have ruined framerates!

The Last Of Us Part 1 - I take it back, I know all about the current state of the gaming industry, I know all about this game and it’s not even out yet! I even know how it ends because I played it in 2013!

Splatoon 3 -...There was a Splatoon 2?

Season - Does the old rule of ‘the great looking indie games have boring gameplay, and the fun indie games are all made in MS Paint’ hold up? Because if so, well, at least Season has its looks!

Slime Rancher 2 - ... There was a Slime Rancher 1? And I wasn’t informed? I get to cover enemies in new slimes, including ‘batty slime’? 10/10, I’m sold, I need this in my life.

Overwatch 2 - Okay I swear this game has been around for years since it was very much ‘a thing’ back when I was an active gamerhead. In any case, I played the original Overwatch once, and got sent an abusive message because I did so bad at it.

New Tales From The Borderlands - Back in my gamer days I remember fellow gamers joking that sequel titles like this, rather

Disney Reveals New ‘Upstreaming’ Service

than just saying ‘Tales From The Borderlands 2’, would confuse casuals. And now I am the one being confused by the title. It is just a sequel to an original game I didn’t really care about.

Hogwarts Legacy - It looks amazing, an actual explorable Hogwarts with a gameplay depth I would’ve dreamt of as a child! It’s just a shame J.K.Rowling isn’t around to see it after she died in that fire several years ago.

Suicide Squad: Kill The Justice League - I have far too many actual thoughts on this game, so to avoid losing my reputation on the streets as a ‘cool sex enjoyer’ I’m not going to give my actual opinions on the gameplay and its disrespect of the lore of the Batman Arkhamverse.

Modern Warfare 2 - Aha, again, I know everything about this game! I’ve already finished it! At an age that I was almost certainly too young to do so!

God Of War: Ragnarok - More like God Of Bore: Ragnarok (I haven’t played the original)

Disney has announced the release of Disney -, a service which absorbs any creative thought that you have via the use of facial scanning technology. This process has been referred to as ‘upstreaming’ by the entertainment conglomerate. Using this data, mined from your brain they fund entire film crews in order to create the shows of your dreams assisted by AI.

One early-tester of the product has said, ‘It truly is amazing! I just sat there thinking of a sci-fi detective drama that I had always dreamed of writing but had never had the energy to write or produce and within the next calendar year I could watch that very show on Disney+ !.’ There are even rumours of plans for a potential premium version of the service known as Disney minus plus, which uses brain scanning technology to get an even more accurate picture of what is in your imagination.

When asked to comment on the potential limitations of the service, Executives from Disney declined to say anything at all. It has been rumoured however, that your highly personalised shows may only be available on Disney+ for a limited run of up to 3 months before being pulled and added to the warehouses of intellectual property that Disney have acquired over the last few decades, if you ever wished to make that show yourself you would then be liable to a lawsuit.

Dan Saxotweet

Matt Davis

Image Credit Dan Saxotweet

Anonymous Contributor

It's Our Democracy And I'll Manifest If I Want To

So the chattering classes have finally found a way to remove me from the University of York, kicking me out at the age of 47 after every single subject I could do my seventh PhD in got defunded. It is just typical of the socalled tolerant left to rile up the government so much that they feel compelled to defund dozens of non-STEM degrees, once again leaving me homeless politically and physically.

And who was the Union who failed to protect me? YUSU, a Union full of gen-Z zealots who would rather post a tweet than help an old lady across the street. These Corbynist cuckolds, who would rather re-listen to Folklore than re-take the Falklands, have neglected their duties to instead run a Maoist campaign of installing gender neutral toilets and gender neutral language across this once-great campus. What’s next? Gender neutral studies? Gender neutral rugby initiations? Gender neutral harassment investigations? It is as if the Central Hall spaceship flew here from a planet lost in time where the year always had been, and always will be, 1984.

As if the rot of this upcoming genderless generation is not enough, the university is being soft on who they're letting in, giving a contextual reduced offer to any Tom, Dick or Harry (although these days you have to say Mohammed, Non-Gender-Indicating Vagina and Harryettta). The Wokarati brigade holding York's admissions department hostage are denying these children the character-building moment of asking your parents to suck off the Principal of your boarding school for a better letter of recommendation. Without the experience of subjecting their family to humiliation for their own personal gain, how can any of them hope to become columnists? It’s political correctness gone mad, and I fear the Principal's member isn’t the only thing going soft in this day and age.

Despite what you might think, I don’t despise these students, no, I weep for them, their minds polluted by the Student Media Schutzstaffel who would rather write for SCENE than fight for The Queen. These so-called journalists, who are so up they/themselves that they would harass an innocent woman for talking to her only friends on the way to Kimberlow Way Greggs, have made it so you have to say sorry if you’re rich enough to live on East Campus. Indeed many of these communist gutter-press gestapees end up working for bottomrung rags like The Sun instead of for respectable companies like the Mail Online. With our media polluted by such woke vermin, is it any wonder that not a single one of today’s 18 year olds voted for Brexit?

My disdain and despair lies primarily with Arts students, who continue to betray the country by studying the same academic field as Adolf Hitler (without bringing ANY of his strategic brilliance to our economy). However, I am also embarrassed to be sharing a country with softy Social Sciences nutters who would rather be in a thinktank than build tanks, and the swarms of unwashed STEM geeks who would rather apply themselves to Rick and Morty than to brick and mortar, all of them led astray by Union-luvvy professors who cancel lectures AND culture from their gold-plated mansions. Who is responsible for all of this? It is obviously the fault of the left’s oat milk Ozymandias, Jeremy Corbyn. Do I need to say more?

I remember back when I started at the university, I was taken aback by all the nearby greenery and open air in Mother England's glorious fields. I fear that these days should any Fresher look to take in the same scenic view their serenity would be disrupted by a moo, then a bleat, then a cluck, as they realise to their horror they are not standing in a field, but rather, an Animal Farm

So why not give it a go?

Every Letter Of The Alphabet, Ranked

You may be asking if this list is a ranking of upper case letters, lower case letters or a seemingly random combination of the two depending on what's required for comedic effect. Well shut up and stop asking (it's upper case, mostly), because it's time to rank some frigging letters buddy! Starting from the bottom...

X - It is just not a very useful letter. No malice, it's just the one I use least in my daily life and could be disposed of the easiest.

Q - Mildly useless as it can't do anything without the letter U. That may be very harsh, but it is a very competitive list with tonnes of high quality letters and we've got to set a no-nonsense precedent quickly to give this piece credibility!

J - I've just never been a huge fan of the letter, no real hate, it just doesn't carry many positive connotations. It could be down to a suppressed fury that I was the only one of my brothers not given a 'J' name and thus always excluded from the family wheelbarrow races, but if that was the case why wouldn't I put J last? Fucking explain THAT one, yeah?

U - The letter U knows what it has done and why it is here. I won't elaborate further.

Z - This is a British list, so Z has to be low as its Angelo pronunciation of 'zed, innit' ruined the rhyme scheme of the ABC song and so was responsible for my first time experiencing disappointment. But I've come to appreciate the sheer balls of the British Z for demanding we bring the entire song to a halt just to pronounce it correctly. That's kinda hot actually. Hnggggg, fuck, stop being an authorative tease and serve me some straight-lined zlunt, Zaddy.

O - It looks like a hole, therefore I must naturally shun it in a way that also gets me laughs via its implied inclusion. Look, I'm filling the O with beans, while making a disapproving face to the camera! I'm literally your Messiah!

A - Spoilers for later, but I'm a big fan of V, and A ruins the entire mystique of how a letter can hold itself permanently at an angle, by sticking a support beam in the way. Get that thing out of there, and embrace the acute-angle magic!

N -"I'm not a one-trick dominant top, I can change, look I can go sideways!" screams the Z. But these new positions are not enough to fully remove the memory of the ABC song. Now it's even more disappointing, due to the forbidden love.

G - I don't know how to explain it, but it is just the least aesthetically pleasing letter? Imagine the scene; you've been teleported to a world populated entirely by letters, and you've been allowed into the Valentines Letter Dance! Would you stroll up to the F to I table and plant a big fat kiss on G's obtuse lips? No you wouldn't, you'd probably walk away before jumping back in shock as a horrific nail bomb explodes underneath G's chair! You have no idea who's responsible for G's murder, but you do notice a suspiciously empty chair on S to V's table

R - Boom, a cliffhanger to end Act One, and we're now onto the middling letters! No real grievance here, apart from my teacher always complaining my Rs looked like Ks, pushing this alright letter down a few pegs.

K - Dragged down by its association to R, but my Ks never looked like Rs so I have slightly less annoyance towards it.

D - Putting this one low to dispel the wicked rumour going round online that my favourite letter will be to do with my name. I'm also putting I, E & L at this 15th position for identical reasons.

P - I love P! I always ask for P during intercourse! I’m just a big fan of its P-ness! There we go, so much comedic mileage from one letter, but it has been placed in the middle as releasing unnamed bodily fluids during lovemaking without both parties agreeing to it is no laughing matter, Brenda.

H - A lot can be said about this sturdy-looking fellow, but there's no time for that, back in Letterland Q has just been murdered! The killer left a note by the body, but since all the other letters are staring at the body there are none left to form the message!

B - It looks a bit like boobs! But thankfully no nipple so this story

This was written during a

can keep a firm '15' rating, which is essential as tweens go absolutely fucking berzerk for letter murder mysteries.

C - A nice albeit unremarkable letter, yet it is the highest ranking member of the I C U P crew. Every year they meet up on the anniversary of the time you first fell for it. Its normally a raucous affair, but this year U was very disturbed and fidgety after the murder of its best friend Q, so the event was cut short.

F - Without 'F', 'fucking' would not be such an effective swear word. It allows so much more to be added to the swear in any context, and it feels GOOD to say! So for carrying the slowest scenes of The Thick of It,'F' gets a high spot on the list.

T - I have no real qualms, it's a perfectly fine letter that everyone feels perfectly safe around. Imagine, you're walking down a poorly lit street late at night, anxious about the wide figure approaching you in the dark (especially given the recent spat of murders in Letterland), then you breathe a sigh of relief when you see it's T! "It's close to being the perfect letter, isn't it?" a third figure in the darkness hisses "but not close enough. Its clear perpendicular lines are appealing to the common folk, but its lack of ambitious design would encourage a complacency that will spread to the lesser letters... if we let it live". With a BANG the T falls dead, and over the body steps a crazy-eyed and bloodsoaked U! It's all obvious now! The letter 'U' is a radicalised letter eugenicist determined to make every other letter fit its ideals! That's why it murdered the imperfect G! How didn't you think of this sooner! Since you are not an unconforming letter but rather a perfect specimen of a human being, 'U' happily invites you for a tour of its hideous underground laboratory.

S - "You may not like it, but this is what the ideal attractive body looks like, and I for one am in love with this 'S' and its curvy body" 'U' begins as you walk though halls of tortured and bloodied letter fragments. Your main issue is that Z is obviously the hottest letter, as we explained earlier, however it could be possible that 'U's aggressive nature clashes with the dominant appeal of the aforementioned Zussy. You begin to ponder if implying all body-horror eugenicists are sexual tops is problematic, as the tour continues.

V - Somehow the smell gets worse as you approach a screaming figure, strapped to a table. ‘U’ skips towards it like a child

showing off its new puppy. "This is a perfect shape geometrically, isn't it? Two straight lines at an acute but bold angle, creating an aerodynamic arrow. Of course I had to use the invisible bones of dead letters to keep it propped open that way, but everyone is doing that these day, how else do you think Y stays upright?"

W - "A marvel, really. It takes the simplicity of V and repeats it twice in a way that does not spoil the elegance through egregious repetition. Such flawless design couldn't happen naturally, so I had to stitch two living Vs together. Now they can never separate, as it would be cruel for a letter to abandon its friend and break up an iconic duo, wouldn't it?" Out of the corner of your eye you spot a burning pile of silently screaming QR Codes covered in QED lights atop a map of Qatar. U isn't some twisted Nazi mastermind, it has just been driven mad out of fear of losing its best friend Q! Now it has murdered its friend rather than face being abandoned, 'U' has become completely unhinged, but you can fix it! You start to look for a way out of all of this, as 'U' begins its next rant.

M - "It's like a W, but it can stand upside down if you poke it enough, making it the superior letter." U picks its gun up again and, without looking away from ‘M’ , shoots W across the hall. You need to end this quickly!

Y -"A common misconception is that Y is a unique letter, when in fact it is just a V with a massive spunky dick. Genuinely, it's massive, I haven't even needed to enhance it much, it's just surprisingly hung! Now I am aware that introducing letter genitalia implies that the letters breed and have intercorse, which would require a series of contrived explanations which would be too much even for this overly detailed world. However" but the story stops as you've enacted your plan, reaching into your bag and putting out one final letter; 'q'.

q - A lowercase q. You see, all of 'U's fears of being abandoned come from examples exclusive to 'Q', and a lowercase 'q' can never be without its 'u' friend (and if you give any examples to the contrary you're actively promoting eugenics) . Realising this, 'U' sheds its anger and hatred and in doing so becomes a smaller 'u', and takes its happy place at q's side. You smile warmly as you take out a pump-action shotgun and blast the living shit out of them both, as you can't be seen to enable the far right by giving them what they want. You blow the smoke away from your two barrels as you watch the laboratory’s misshapen letter fragments wriggle to freedom, off to become umlauts and tildes. "Life's good" you say to yourself. “Life's good."

live laugh love Dan Saxotweet lole loathe

...You can tell.

We Tried to Drink Every Liquid in a Single Night!

Coffee - Unless you are one of the thousands of freelance writers who bombard the Noice email box, you will never understand the pain of waking up at 4pm to write a pitch for an article you hate but know could go viral if only someone would give you a chance. Coffee helps with the endless tiredness. A double espresso shot, freshly ground and pressed and served by the love of my life, is what I would probably be having if the past year went differently. Instead, it's Alcafe Instant Coffee, boiled in a microwave because the kettle broke last week. But I’m not too upset - I have a big night ahead!

Cider - The regular 6pm Scrumpy Jack serves a greater purpose now, it’s pre drink time! I throw on Spotify, spend 10 minutes trying to find something to fit my vibe before giving up and putting my best threads on in silence.

Wine - It’s 8pm, I’m meeting the lads in Spoons and I’m ordering an entire bottle of wine. I’m such an enigma! Why is he ordering a wine bottle at this hour in a Spoons, the people ask. Is it for the article he has been loudly talking about making in the pub for the past three weeks? It couldn’t be that, surely; if they remembered they would be giving words of encouragement rather than just talking about the OTHER group who will be out on the town tonight. I take a sip every time they mention her name. The bottle is drunk in ten minutes.

Piss - I've started a form of therapy recently, and in one of the first sessions, to lighten the mood, I mentioned that thing that happens when you go into a public loo needing to take a dump but the cubicles are all full and you think it looks a bit suspicious to just wait around so you instead have to use the urinal to take a disappointing piss that kind of relieves the pressure down below but not really. This then started a 25 minute conversation with my legally-not-a-therapist about what exactly I meant by ‘ you’. I didn’t plan to drink the piss so soon, or at all really. I was prepared to argue that urine is essentially just the waste product of other, superior liquids and if I had drunk every other possible liquid I would have basically drunk piss. But no, in my first toilet break of the night the man at the urinal next to me unleashed the most powerful stream I have ever heard, and a tiny drop ricochet into my mouth. It definitely quenched my thirst for further drinks for a while after, so it definitely counts.

Water - It felt like an appropriate time to drink water, given my recent piss drop I had to wash out. Not much to report on this one really, what do you want, its water.

Rum - Final drink before hitting the town, I sip a rum and coke whilst realising I haven’t actually said anything in an hour. I start speaking, and everyone decides it’s a good time to leave. I must’ve just reminded them that I have a challenge to meet and they wanted to help me get it done ASAP. They’re all good lads. They like me.

Cum - I often worry I haven't had enough homosexual experiences to relate to my favourite queer artists, like I'm confident in my heterosexuality but I'd sometimes like the verses of songs to hit harder. I bring this up because I was struggling to work out how I could reliably source cum. Most people would make that their final drink of the night, but from experience I know that even with a willing donor I cannot rely on getting it from a vagina (oh Debbie, with your avant-garde approach to foreplay and my refusal to learn how many holes you actually had, what I wouldn't give to have one more night of no expectations, tension or penetration). A penis was the place I knew how to get cum out of best, I thought to myself as the club queue took another staggered step forward, but that would cross many lines that I would not be comfortable with. So no, there will be no cum consumed tonight by me, I concluded, before seeing a random woman in the queue giving me the slightest bit of attention. The plan changed.

Jaeger - 2 minutes in and already lost her, but it’s fine, I’m not obsessive because it’s time to get hammered! Wasted! Sloshed! I still feel the guilt of spending £6 on 3 Jaegerbombs, which means I need to get another!

Vodka Red Bull - It’s going to be a long one, I’ve technically got over 1000 liquids to finish off now but that doesn’t really matter, I’m here to have a GOOD NIGHT, I will HAVE ONE if I D

Tequila - i’m having fun, shut up shut up stop thinking I’m having

Sambuwhat does he mean ‘just a head’s up, she’s here tonight’? Why the fuck would he tell me that, what the actual fuck is wrong with him, does he just get off on drama the perverted cun

Sourz - I love him, he always has my back, I’ going to get us another round of

Sourz - The woman from earlier just walked s looking my way. She’s looking my way! I think! She’s looking my way! I t even ask my legs to do that, they just are, don’t think just let the mouth take over now wheeeeeeeeee

Whatever She’s Having - It’s pink and I think it’s got gin in it. We move to a quieter corner of the club and thus the mating ritual of the damned begins again, like two bald peacocks telling stories of the time when they had feathers. It’s a dance as old as time, running through an entire half-rehearsed anecdotal comedy routine and just aching to see the same broken look in their eyes mirrored back at you when you tell a self-deprecating joke, like some kind of trauma nonce. (This bit is a joke, obviously. As if any of us have recently dared to look at our reflections long enough to know what our eyes look like.)

Vinegar - I kept a small, 50ml bottle of vinegar in my pocket the entire night, in order to consume it when there was a dull moment as I probably wouldn’t naturally be given the chance to drink it. Naturally this moment came when everyone had agreed to leave the club and thereafter wait outside with ringing ears whilst the rest of the group is rounded up and found. I chugged my vinegar and waited for the woman from earlier to see if she was still up for it. Out the grimey doors she stepped, still radiating a soul-level beauty despite her missing a heel and me missing the ability to see straight lines, this gorgeous thing I still wanted to give every part of my heavily-hydrated body to. And then, coincidentally a few steps behind her, out came the woman from earlier who agreed to sleep with me that night. Cool.

Saliva - It was the first time I had tasted someone else's spit, and I had a coughing fit. It was nothing personal, I just caught COVID the day before but couldn't handle being alone in my room at the time. I mistakenly called her Debbie, I was let down because it was exactly the same. Kiss kiss, rub rub, tell her she’s beautiful but that alcohol does that to me sometimes, leave her with promises for next time and the rest of the Maccies, mute her for a few days until I’ve compartmentalised it all. I should take up speedrunning. I should take up actual therapy. I can’t actually sleep whilst being drunk anymore, I basically just wait to curl up somewhere and try to ride the sober-depression wave into a long nap rather than a series of ‘im sorrry’ texts, but given how much I’ve had again, I may as well use it productively.

Coffee - Unless you are one of the tens of freelance writers who use their freelance writing ambitions as a coping mechanism, you will never understand the pain of getting in at 4am to write a pitch for an article you hate but know could go viral if only someone would give you a chance. Coffee helps with the endless tiredness. A double espresso shot, freshly ground and pressed and served by literally anyone, is what I would probably be having if the past night, month, decade, wherever it went wrong, if any of it went differently. Instead, it's Alcafe Instant Coffee, lightly heated in a microwave because you don’t want to keep it on too long and wake up the house. But I’m not too upset - I had a night filled with content! Ahaha!

Economic Levers For Your Uni Sports Team

What's that? Your University sports club doesn't have enough money for the upcoming year? You're worried you won't be able to buy poor little Billy 'Chundermeister' Bradson his rugby socks? Well never fear, because just like certain politically-interesting sports clubs, you too can activate economic levers to save your club from ever facing the consequences of gross financial mismanagement!

YSTV Rights - The obvious first step is to sell your lucrative TV rights to the highest bidder, so why not sell the rights to show games from your club to either YSTV or, erm, that’s it. There are no other options. YSTV owns you, they have always owned you, but you may as well ask them for money seeing as they’ve got loads of it just sitting around.

Genital Sponsor - No matter how many sponsors your team has, there is always space for more, so why not balance the books by getting everyone on your team to have a sponsor on their genitalia? It is arguably the part of uni sports players that is most often seen by the public, you could fully pay for the bus to Varsity if you get half the team to print Efes Pizza on their shaft or decorate their vaginas to resemble a quaint but reasonablypriced Shambles store.

Corporate Bullying - Everyone was always told at school 'never,

never, ever bully anyone until you have a good PR department established' (the only part of the national curriculum that Eton copies verbatim.) So if you have a player who is costing you more than you would like, just make them feel really pressured and uncomfortable! Just remember, no matter how hostile and generally shit you make their experience, you will always be the preferred option to playing for Manchester United.

Some Weird Tax Stuff - I tried to research what Barcelona are actually doing lever wise, and the most I can understand is 'it's a load of money being moved around with borrowing and subsidiaries to give them a load of future debt which they promise to pay off by winning everything ever’. Essentially, after enough zeros money stops being real and you can basically do whatever you want with it. So, just get really rich! It's easy!

Dan Saxotweet

The Worst 'Sports Twitter' Communities

Everyone hates Football Twitter for ruining everything, and everyone hates F1 Twitter for ruining everything politically. But did you know that even worse sports Twitter communities existed? Did you know that other sports existed? We clearly didn’t for the past 10 issues! Here’s a rundown of some of the worst communities online:

Quadball - Formerly Quidditch, Quadball hasn't existed for long, but boy is their community fierce. The battle between ‘People Who Hate JK Rowling For What She’s Said’ vs ‘People Who Hate JK Rowling For What She’s Written’ vs ‘People Who Hate JK Rowling For What She’s Done Personally’ may never end.

Octopush - Awful, everyone who participates has their phone break instantly. Because they’re underwater. And can’t afford the good phones because they’ve spent all their money on snorkels [check Octopush equipment before publishing - Eds]

The Hundred - Everyone is limited to one hundred characters, so discourse becomes who can come up with the shortest insult for fans of other teams. You’ve never seen so many slurs directed towards crisps since Gary Linekar asked people to treat refugees like human beings.

Chess - 32 pieces, 64 squares, thousands of players to root for, millions of possible games, and yet everyone wants to see the bongcloud all the time. You’d think it was the only opening that existed after a couple of hours on Chess Twitter. You’d also be convinced that every player uses vibrating anal beads that communicate the engine-optimal move in real time in over-theboard tournaments. Somehow.

Fencing - Fencing Twitter is notoriously difficult to find. A lot of the time, discussion of fencing is best left to gardening Twitter,

and they’re far too nice for this article to mention. Actual fencing Twitter, on the other hand, is perfect for this. They all talk like they want to remove the blunting tip off of their swords for their next duel.

Clay Pigeon Shooting - They all hate things that tweet. Dan Saxotweet and Ronald Young

Mattia Binotto Enrols at Clown College

Scuderia Ferrari team principal Mattia Binotto announced today that he would be taking a year away from running the team in order to pursue qualification as a professional clown. The team tweeted that Binotto would be taking “a leave of absence in order to gain valuable skills in the art of being a professional clown”. The statement also confirmed that Ronald McDonald would be replacing Binotto in the interim, “in order to ensure the smooth continued running” of sport’s biggest clown show.

During his time away from the team, Binotto will be aiming to earn a BA Hons in Circus Arts, an intensive degree program focusing on modern circus performance and operation and, by next year, will officially be a professional clown. This comes as good news for Ferrari fans, as the Tifosi will finally have a more professionally run circus to root for in 2024, featuring more questionable strategy decisions than ever before that’ll be guaranteed to have you screaming like Charles Leclerc.

Ronald Young

We made them all taste like the urinal!

The Star Signs’ Greatest Secret Confessions

With Ava Young

Taurus: Help! I tried to explain  cryptocurrency to my Tinder date but she  went to the bathroom and never came back  should I put this in my podcast or will it  make me look bad?

Gemini: Help! The Queen just recently  passed away and I’m wondering how I can  make it about me  Any tips?

Leo: Help! My doctor just diagnosed me  with narcissistic personality disorder   I  think he might be in love with me???

Scorpio: Help! I am in love with my best  friend but he’s engaged! I’m still going to try  to sleep with him anyways, I just wanted  everyone else to know

Aquarius: Help! I took mandy and cocaine  at the same time and I think I just unlocked  my third eye  Any ideas on what I should do  with it?

Capricorn: Help! My doctor thinks I’m a  workaholic but I’m actually an alcoholic  with severe anger issues   do you think I  should correct him on this?

Aries: Help! My boyfriend’s love language is  words of affirmation but mine is telling him  what to do   do you think we will work out?

Sagittarius: Help! I keep telling my  therapist I’m funny because of my star sign  but she keeps telling me it’s because I have a  bad relationship with my dad  Is she right  about this?

Libra: Help! My friends think I’m a bad  person because I buy all of my clothes from  Shein but if anyone ever saw me repeat an

outfit I’d want to kill myself  Should I buy  from H&M instead?

Pisces: Help! I have the same star sign as  Justin Bieber   is it possible to change  someone else’s birthday so people don’t think  that we’re alike? Does it cost a lot to do so?

Virgo: Help! People think I’m a virgin  because I’m virgo but they don’t know that  I’m super into BDSM  (Bitcoin, Democracy, Subpoena, Matrimony)

Cancer: Help! I’m just trying to be a goofy  kind of guy but women frequently complain  that I’m  ‘too intimidating’ and  ‘emotionally  manipulative.’ Do you reckon if I cry in front  of them they will change their minds?

About A Dog

I saw a cute dog today! (Ruff ruff!)

Waggin' it's tail around!

I saw a cute dog today! (Ruff ruff!)

From The Dog Owner :

Oh, you're asking about that person who petted Leo?

They were fine, I guess A bit nervous but seemed nice enough

A Limerick

“Can you hear me?” the lecturer asked As he said he would pull down his mask

The students said yes But it was all a jest For the teacher whispered to the class.

Matt Davis

A View From Duck Norris

No one ever asks, about the one behind the mask.

The one behind the feathers and the beak

With it's little toesies on the ground!

And I bent down To pet that dog

But I get kinda awkward about petting dogs

So I accidentally annoyed that dog

You idiot

Haiku

Oh god, why do we Always leave this bloody page Until the last day?

Dan Saxotweet

But things are not so great, I have so much on my plate.

As fear of mascots makes this job so bleak.

Matt Davis

You fucked it up

This is what you do to people who love you.....

I saw a cute dog today! (Ruff ruff!)

Waggin' it's tail around!

I don't remember that much about it really.

From The Dog:

Man I fucking love sticks!

Sticks! Yes! Woof woof woof!

Dan Saxotweet

missing people

A number of dissapearences have occured around Lemon Press Towers recently, can YOU help us find them? Any information will be rewarded, unless we don't like them, in which case you'll be locked Down There with The People Who Know Too Much.

missing

aunty b

Aunty B is dead. We think. The editorial department literally has no idea where Aunty B is.

Any information to their whereabouts will be rewarded, several of the weirdest people you know want to know how they can fix their life problems with gloryholes.

Send information to chezza@lemonpress.com

missing

the 'beans' content crew

Ok, I lied. They are not missing. I killed them. All of them. They have Football Manager down there though, so it's fine.

Send further bean content to ystvury@lemonpress.com

missing

your content

If you've made it this far, you either love us or think that you can do better than us. Why not join in?

Get in touch at lemonpress@yusu.org

Go and clean your mouth you inky creature

president will rowan (right)

Cursed to have a yearly bout of the plague, Our Glorious President's Column is absent from this issue.

We are keeping the spot warm for him next issue, in the meantime if you have info as to how to cure 'being cursed by a wizard' please let us know!

Send information to m.graham@lemonpress.com missing

kevin the intern

He's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out

He's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out he's got out

HE'S GOT OUT HE'S GOT OUT HE'S GOT OUT