The Piranha 2018/19 Vol. 40 - Edition 2

Frosty Edition Winter 2018

002

Politics

Culture

General

Burkean Journal set to rebrand as Virgin Media

Concern for Trinity Publications as cold dead corpse of free speech found hanging from window of House 6.

Socks, Jocks, and Locks - The Piranha's guide to consent in Ireland

INSIGHT:

Aleppo J1 2019, The New Vancouver? Pg 11

The

‘I tell you, this city is crying out for a doughnut shop.’ We talk to the new proprietor of the former Lemon Crepe and Coffee Co building - pg 24

Piranha

"A somewhat hamfisted attempt at satircal humour" - Press Ombudsman

Despite Deficit Concerns TCDSU Wages War On DP

Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

IN FOCUS

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The Piranha’s Guide To Some Came For a Degree, Stopping Minorities Satirising I Came For a Husband Their Own Experience

The top 6 courses for the aspiring housewife.

Do some members of your writing team think there’s a place in satire for jokes that aren’t by, for and about the straight, white, cis man? Do you need help to stop them making jokes about their own lives, feelings and experiences, did they use the no-no bold words and land you in a thimble of hot water with the brain cops?

“But please!” They’ll cry, “this anonymous platform gives me the opportunity to feel like I belong! Not letting us make jokes about ourselves is just excluding us from another aspect of society and make us more oppressed. Assuming that the jokes we make are made by striaght guys is counter-productive, and requiring us to label our jokes by identity seems counter-intuitive to integration! The Piranha doesn't have to be a queer publishcation to publish jokes made by queer people, and implying it does simply propogates the 'otherization' of the LGBT+ community. We’re not even that much of a minority within this campus and if you all keep tiptoeing around us and screaming at us that we can't take jokes and insisting that any jokes made about us is “punching down” then you’re just reinforcing the patriarchal hierarchy we’re all trying to destroy! When you open a satire paper you should know not to take what in it seriously, and even if you don't like the jokes your aim shouldn't be to tear down other members of your community who have found acceptance”

6. Psychology

Psych boys, akin to unicorns in their rarity and tendency to appear when you need professional help, are definitely husband material. Though I must admit that the attraction is not always instant, they will grow on you as they pull you aside on nights out to access your innermost thoughts and feelings. Their intelligent, professor-like character will appeal to the Daddy issues they’ll inevitably diagnose you with. There’s no greater pleasure than having a partner who truly thinks that they understand you. If you can find one of these magical mind readers, hold on tight.

5. European Studies

Similar to the aforementioned freudian boy toys, these Belgium bound beefcakes are a rarity. These ready-made husbands are not only thinking about the future but dressing for it too: stealing your boyfriend's hoodies is out, stealing his Marino wool sweater is in. Self proclaimed 'med students of the arts block' and members of the exclusive ruling class of Trinity and are sure to treat you like the queen you are. A truly exotic breed of aspiring diplomats, bilingual Belvedere lads and Connecticut born, Dual BA-bes, there’s something for everyone. There is, however, not someone for everyone, so I encourage you to snag yourself a Euro Stud before it’s too late.

4. Bess

This lower ranking may shock the Business boys who usually come first, but they are, nonetheless, husband material. We want a man who can close, especially himself off emotionally. If you’re you’re looking for low maintenance look no “Hah! What nonsense” you’ll say, and we’ll all know that you’re right. further. He’ll never weigh you down with self-loathing the only self reflection he’s “But how do I deal with this nuisance? Who will help me?” you’ll ask, and interested in is catching a glimpse of himself in the windows of the gym. However we have the answer for you, dear friends. The Piranha is here to help you good luck prying him away from the ‘executive suite’ as he and the boys play bind, gag and erase any minorities who think they have the right to make footsie under the table of the back row at fundamentals of management lectures. a joke. We’re here to help you ignore their cries for inclusion, because we A man whose degree neither requires nor excites any passion and who, therefore, can save all his passion for you. all know the only place for minorities in this institution is as the subject

of a debate they’re not invited to.

Follow these simple steps to ensure you stay the straight male rag everyone expects you to be, regardless of who the team behind it is.

1. Take all the diverse members of your team and replace them with men called Jack. Trust us, this campus is full of rich men named Jack who are dying to see their lukewarm takes in print.

2. If any of the aforementioned box ticking members want to stay, ensure they revoke their membership of any club or society aimed at including them in college life. They must become unknown to the committees of these societies and instead sell their soul to Dubes, Law Soc and Snowsports, the havens and protectors of the straight white male.

3. If you’re still struggling with these stupid opinionated cunts maybe try giving them a makeover? If you can make them blend in with the straight, GAA-playing, demographics of campus then you’re doing something right.

4. If an aesthetic makeover doesn't work then it’s time to start chipping away at their well-rounded personality. Opinions on anything of note?

Absolutely not. If they’re going to perform straight white privilege you need to eradicate any thoughts they have on things that matter.

3. Drama and Theatre

We all know the man being the primary breadwinner is so 1950, who wants the monotony of a steady job and stable income anyway? If you’re a feminist, then Drama has the husband for you. With a Drama grad, you’ll never be bored, they’ll keep you guessing: How much longer will they be on the dole? Did that stage kiss with Eoin really mean nothing? Is it still a stage kiss if it happened at the wrap party in The George? Always exciting and always dramatic!

2. Law

If you want a fella you can take home to Mom and Dad then Law has the guy for you. This is a boy who will fit right in with your family, dazzling them with the same game-winner smile that landed him a summer internship in EY. Just be sure to keep an eye out! Just a few bumps of low grade cocaine will turn this unassuming, upstanding man into a heaving degenerate throwing a granite bust of Eamonn De Valera out the window of the Stephen’s Green Hibernian Club.To snag your own Dr Jekel, Mr Hyde-the-bag, simply hang around the arts block foyer or the GMB with your marble aesthetic macbook case on show to make sure they know you’ll be compatible.

1.Computer Science

A Hamilton boy? And king of the dweebs no less! Well, there are infinite benefits to these nobodies. Firstly, they’re just that! Your non-confrontational beau is so scared of conflict 15 consecutive seconds of eye contact will make him forget D&D with the boys and have him on the first bus to Foxrock for Clodagh’s 5. If all else fails we recommend going medieval, cut off their fingers,rip Everleigh pre-drinks with the gorls like the goodboye he is. He is, however, a pro conversationalist clawing a first in his Computers in Society (read: Social Skills out their tongues, if you can’t make them conform to society's 101) module, and having picked up a few mannerisms from the 1000 hours of depiction of a satirical journalist, then best to just stop them minecraft Let’s Plays that made up his adolescence. So good at understanding communicating full stop. people these pragmatic prime cuts are here to offer endless solutions to the problems you just want someone to listen to. Although you may be discouraged by his insistence on keeping his tracksuits on in bed, you can be sure he’ll eventually upgrade to jeans, gaming t-shirt and a hoodie for that grad job he’s had lined up

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

2015

Laura Beston puts 'SU president' on her dream board for the first time

2019

Following months of failed advances by Paraic Mclean David Flood finally decides it's just easier to go along with it.

2020

University Times becomes distant memory

2056

Provost buys €30b moon mansion for "hosting alien diplomats"

2060

TES members still out here, on that grind, getting that bread, doing it everyday because hard work is all it takes to make it broh

“I just didn't think it would be so full of pricks.”

Disheartened prick of a first year confides in former private school prick of a teacher.

"I’m jacked IRL pussy" Man wins argument in comment section of a TN article

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“Strong immigration law and big nationalism will always be at my core, but these days I'm more concerned with ensuring quality on-campus journalism.”

One of the UT’s trumpian detractors.

“More than adequate” Jnr Fress student on etching her notes into a burnt piece of toast.

“Sometimes you have to spend money to make money” Shane de Rís elaborates on plan to plug €70,622 budget deficit

“People think the SU Elections start in February. Really, they begin on a cold November afternoon. Silently liking posts from people you've never spoken to.”

SU Hack-To-Be Begins Year Long Preparation Schedule.

“I spent all night sorting my underwear from most to least likely to get me sexually assaulted.

Just in case.”

SS Student explains her sleepy disposition

“It's great, you don't even have to go to lectures. Everyone is really nice too.”

After a half term in Trinity JS student offers advice for next years freshers.

"I just really didnt think living with 4 nerds "No, Oisin, I don’t care who your dad is… “Here, lads, will we all have sex in a big in a 24hr security compound could be this slippy pile on the floor again?" unless he’s single." this much fun" 2nd Year College Historical Society Ents officer on reflects on current living Junior Freshling PPES Student on finding Member yearns for the glory days situation love

NOTES FROM THE THRONE Awh fuck this again? It seems like just yesterday we were lounging in the grass, eating crepes fresh from Lemon, excited for the year ahead. And now here we are, almost at Christmas time, jaded, shells of people. Conor still struggling to grasp human emotion and trying to study for his upcoming Turing test, Sophie wishing she could achieve anything artistically without having to host a bake sale first. Time just seems to never stop. I guess when you’re hot-shot, big dick legends dealing with complaints and fielding the screeching of repressed "woke" socialites given the veil of anonymity, it's hard to notice the weeks disappearing and melatonin depleting.

Until here we are, producing a satire paper directed by/for/at the slim proportion of students who view college less as place of learning and more a reality TV show without an audience or any cameras. And what better time to be the two responsible for an anonymous paper of bitter students and their inimical opinions than Winter - when the drop in sunlight can reduce serotonin and lead to “social withdrawal” and “school or work problems”. If anyone has any harmless, fun-for-all-involved jokes to make about college life please get in touch. We’d love to hear your tepid spin on seagulls and tourists.

But don’t worry friends, we’re here to help you through this difficult time. If you need some kindling to start your fire or an environmentally friendly alternative to wrapping paper, we got you.

To those who heard of the escapades from the last issue, try not to get too riled up about this one. We’re not that emotionally invested in this 8-page finch nesting and you shouldn’t be either. It takes about a week for every copy of this clumsy, used chewing gum holder to see the inside of a big belly solar compactor bin. We only stay relevant for as long as you talk about us, so if you don't like the issue the best thing you can do is keep quiet. Trust us, it’ll die a lot quicker if you’re not keeping it alive, not encouraging people to read this rag to see if your tweets are right. We might control what goes into the paper, but what happens afterwards is up to you, friends and foes.

To the hacks out there who’ve spent the last few years prepping for next term, we see you. Please have an outrageous Christmas so our election special can be bigger and better than ever. To those of you who are currently nice and nothing more, work on that over the holidays. There’s no fun in writing or reading about that and you’ll just turn into one of those SU heads that are never interesting enough to write about. Remember, the only thing worse than people writing articles about every little thing you do is people not writing about you at all.

Merry Christmas, see you in the new year, Love you forever, S & C xxx

The Piranah

Editors: Conor Nevin Sophie Cassidy

Womxn: Aisling Clarke Ellen Higgins Hannah Weir Críosa O’Regan Alice Murphy Jacks: Jack Dolan Jack Ryan Jack Counihan Jack Synott Men who aren’t named Jack: Sebastian Tozer James Johnston Hiram Harrington Shane Keneally Conor Lamb

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious

complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious.

The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

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Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

Piping Ban In Full Effect As Housing Crisis Continues The housing crisis, you know the thing we’re still talking about 2 or 3 years after it became painfully apparent it was happening? Kind of like how we’ll all be talking about the Celtic Phoenix dying in 2020?

Ah who cares, we’ll all be drowning in The Flood™ by then. The housing crisis. It’s the reason everyone in your lectures sounds like a Ross O’Carroll-Kelly audiobook. It’s causing problems is the point. A lot of serious problems. But for students, it’s causing BIG problems.

So you’re in Workmans, yeah it’s been a few years since all your friends went but it's Dublin so your options are a pair of turgid chinos with a €45 haircut, a round face with some dense stubble thrumming on about his men’s artisanal woodblock restoration club or a marshmallow boy so soft and supple there’s tears stains on his oversized Rex Orange County t-shirt - and you’re ready to sink your teeth into some squidgy, emotional almost-man.

You find someone to grind against in front of DJ Deece and your night is MADE. You are going to make sweet bone with this KOJAQUE lookalike and it will be magnificent. He def has an apartment in Stoneybatter, or Portobello or no, up around Thomas St. by NCAD, it’s great up there like not too gentrified but on the way - ideal.

You’ll have a nice walk up and he’ll make you both a pizza with some pizza bases from Fallon & Byrne his Mam got him and… his Mam.

He lives with his Mam. Ok, that’s fine. That’s fair.

Cause like you live with your Mam? You live with your Mam. And Dad. And he has a little sister.

But it could work he says - if you’re quiet. But you know too well it’s not worth staying up listening to him spit some practice lines for the upcoming FemSoc open mic if you can’t even make it a loud one.

In Wake Of Deficit, TCDSU Expresses Regret Over Solid Gold REPEAL Hero Statue

Also he lives in Maynooth.

Which is again, fair. You live in Kildare. It’s a trek but you couldn’t find anywhere decent to live near college that your Mam could afford. Neither could he.

Hotel? I mean there are loads of them. Well some people think it’s sexy, but in reality you’re both only liquid enough to get an 8 bed bunk dorm with 2 Spanish backpackers, a sleeping(?) man with 6 packets of oxymorphone around him and a family of rock doves for roomies. And your left thinking Pitbull was being an arrogant bastard when he promised you a motel, let alone a Holiday Inn. So you call it a night, or you find a lane. Bleak or sexy? You can decide in the morning, but all the good spots are taken by people who don’t even have box rooms in their Mam’s house in Maynooth, so it’s probably just a goodbye grope for now.

Inspirational! Father of Miserable First Year Uses Sports Analogies To Skillfully Avoid Talking About His Child's Declining Mental Health T his week, fathers from across the nation were left in awe as one parent bravely decided, against all odds, to reject the inconvenient task of dealing with his son’s depression. Templeogue resident Peter Byrne was left feeling uncomfortable and lost for words after his son, 1st year history and political science student Andrew Byrne-O’Brian, tearfully opened up about his struggle with adjusting to the pressures of college life. The young Junior Fresho referred to the build-up of exam stress, the struggle of making friends in his classes, as well as the pressures exerted on him at home to succeed as the core issues underpinning his mental decline.

Byrne snr, known mostly for his quick feet on the Deloitte over 50s tag rugby team and not for his quick thinking, struggled to find words to comfort his broken son. Until finally, inspiration hit him. “Son, if the 2009 Leinster Heineken Cup win taught us anything, it’s that success doesn’t come without its challenges,” the 55-year old tax solicitor said. “Leinster might never have won if they hadn’t been spurred on by that early season loss to Wasps. It was leaders like Brian O’Driscoll and Jonny Sexton that inspired that team to go all the way to the title. It just goes to show what a solid fly-half and insidecentre combination can do for a team. By the way, did you see the game at the weekend? Absolutely terrific stuff...”

It was a complete masterclass from the father of four, turning a moment of pure vulnerability into a sports conversation in a matter of seconds. Never before has a parent so utterly left their child feeling isolated and alone.

Byrne has pretty much just rewritten the whole playbook on emotionally neglecting your offspring.

Indeed, it appears the experience had a profound impact on his son. "I just don't know how he did it", says 1st year history and political science student, "To give him credit it was an incredible move. He danced around the issue with the poise and grace of a Bolshoi ballet lead- wait no, don't tell him i said that! I mean he was like Jordan Larmour

side-stepping the entire Italian defence to score his third try for Ireland". Upon further inquiry The Piranha discovered that Peter’s parenting tactic exclusively involves speaking in sports metaphors - including gems such as "Son, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" and "If you win the first high ball you win the rest."

In this Piranha exclusive interview, Byrne was more than to oblige us in his foolproof system for dodging those pesky questions about dealing with the emotional needs of young adults. Here are his top five tips: 1. Start with a classic “Hey sport!” or “What’s the matter big man?”. This is important because the subtle reference to sport reminds your child that he is supposed to be strong and athletic, not emotional.

2. If the problem persists and your kid just won’t let up, it’s time for evasive maneuvers. Throw in the classic “Have you talked to your mother about this?” This works because it reinforces the idea that this is most definitely a ‘woman’s issue’. In all likelihood they’re better off, but just be careful she doesn’t send your big chief home with ideas like ‘Joining the Trinity Dancing Soc’.

3. Remember - gestures and body language can be just as powerful as mere words. A light punch on the shoulder or a well-timed finger gun can really lighten the mood. Crossing your arms is a subtle signal of discomfort and disinterest without having to outright address it. Holding a ball or other sporting object is also extremely effective. Not only can you play with it yourself to alleviate stress, you can also throw it to your kid in the hopes of breaking his train of selfdestructive thoughts.

4. If at all possible, play down the importance of the issue. A favourite of mine is “Sounds like someone has a bad case of the Mondays!” The implication here is that your child’s state of mind is only temporary and will go away. Under no circumstances should you acknowledge that this is a medical issue linked to physical chemical imbalances in the brain. To do that would be to admit defeat.

5. If all else fails, time to use the trump card. Drop abombshell along the lines of “Your mother and I are getting a divorce”, or “I guess I ought to tell you that I’m not your real father”. This one is a bit of a Hail Mary. Short-term it is perfect for derailing a conversation. Long-term, be careful that it doesn’t make the whole mental health stuff a whole lot worse and then you’ve created. You will not want to waste good money on a therapist. Use this only as a last resort!

Well there you have it folks, straight from the mouth of one of the best Dads we have ever seen. It is so heartening to know that there are still parents out there raising their kids right! We hope you found these tips as insightful as we did.

Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

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What's Hot // What's Not In The All Seeing Eyes Of The Security Centre Security: Mechanical, 360 ° eyes watch us from the beating heart of Trinity college. We went straight to the source, the security huts, for the low down on the latest.

HOT

NOT

Lemon & Mooch Closing:

I don’t know how you feel about the sequence of events that led to the closure of the Trinity’s beloved Lemon & Mooch, but I for one am cracking open a bottle of the finest Pernód. This is just another positive indication that our society is finally shifting towards a system that favours the worker.

How? You ask? Darling I’ve two wonderful things in my head called my eyes, and through my skilled powers of observation I have deduced that there is one singular type of patron for these establishments. West Brits. You heard me correct, they’re off to Lemon and Mooch whilst the rest head to Death or to Connaught. They sit there, eating sandwiches made from wheat grown on fields your ancestors died upon in the Land Wars, and the worst part is they even ask for extra - fucking Ballymaloe. I bet their Ma sounds just like Rachel Allen with a stroke.

Lemon & Mooch represent Celtic Tiger Trinity, they’re the cocaine in loos of Bewleys Café, the week-long outreach to a Capetown slum and the Child Leap card topped up “By sixty euro please, and can I have a hot chocolate with that too?”. Private school girls with big straight teeth and a pervasive feeling that they’re just two sizes too big for AssetsTM. Economics and Sociology students wearing Dad’s nice scarf and their “Tuesday” Socks. Drama kids who just don’t have somewhere to fucking be. The invaders, all of them.

The Perch:

Ice coffee imported from sewers, scowl imported from strain, bright hair dye finessed

by Deirdre, and Deirdre imported from Artay-y-ayy-annee! Last time I was in there I asked if I could have my oat milk flat white “for here please” and Bernie looked at me and just CUT my face.

After marking my loyalty card with a searing burn from her cigarette she told me my degree was a worthless and that the only certainty in life was dying alone and shitting yourself. - And that’s exactly what you would think I’d say as a classist Trinity Wanker.

WRONG, I’ll have you know I am a regular customer of the Arts Blocks finest establishment so before you scream ignorant, higher born, or “Gonzaga Class of 2016”, please remember I am uncircumcised, woke, and most certainly going to continue my support of any and all institutions that will stop the forward march of ARAMARK!

The Perch is proudly free from any crimes against humanity. Aramark’s got a finger in every hole the Provost can’t fill with international students and their “dopey” footwear. Buying your €3.20, button-push Latte from the extremely polite guy who works there and is always in top form and NEVER shouts at you for inserting your card too quickly or leaving the lid on your keepcup, and who just makes every day that bit brighter - is making an actual change.

Liberal Outrage & My Editors:

Alright get out your aloe vera for the searing hot tea im bout ta pourrrrr on the absolute (Redacted)’s who reported me to the Press Ombudsman over the last Hot or Not!!! That’s right some fragile gays and theys from the part of campus where the spotty people are thought they it was a good idea. Well guess what (redacted)’s although the legitimate Ombudsman of the Press Council of Ireland had to read the last issue of Hot or Not and called it “ham fisted” it’s apparently still not the big deal your Mum said it was. So CATCH me using another 3 of my 9 lives to remind everyone on campus that the only thing that’ll shut this (redacted) up is my mother(redacted) EDITORS who have been taken ahold of by some deep rooted fear that angry pink haired demons will sink our dear Piranha into a sea of wah, wah, WAH. Can you believe that they expect witty, nuanced opinions about the intricacies of campus social structures and notable events? SAD.

Student Journalism:

Eleanor sit up and have a shower cause you’re gonna wanna smell nice for your funeral.

To everyone who has sincerely and tirelessly dedicated themselves to filling the pages of both Trinity News and The University Times I would like to honestly say I hope one day someone walks into your home and smacks your child.

We do love a good bit of gossip, us olde gee bags in Piranha, heck we know a good bit of yours! Oh where could we start? Some say Dominic McGrath has never met a woman who’s cunning, skill and charm he didn’t appropriate and wear like a wet, bloody skin suit - Eleanor fits him like a fine Céline glove. Also he has a twin brother who is nothing like him. They could not be more different, in fact I encourage you to look him up and get lost in his dreamy, masculine, kissable, perfect face.

Though, I don’t really care about gossip, rather it all comes back to money. And I’ve only got enough cash for one Trinity rag. I pay, personally, €22,000 for the Editors of University Times to scratch themselves to their hearts’ content in on campus accommodation. I wipe my ass with my €3,000 arts degree, then I slip on a pair of my Hilfiger Dubes and remind myself how fortunate I am that no matter how dire, desperate or devoid of love and emotion my life may get, nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever make me read Trinity News. And whatsmore, at the end of the day, when all is said and done and the opinion articles are published and the headlines are read - very - few - people care. And that’s the real Tea sis’, see you at the Junior Dean’s.

Saving The World - One Idle Fresher At A Time Okay we get it, all issues are important issues, but not all issues are sexy.

Everyone gets their knickers wet over a bit of torture. Civil war in Tunisia, take me right now, but a few coins for the homeless? No thanks. It’s easy enough to stress the blood, sex and civil liberty abuses if you’ve got pictures of a small infant being mutilated, throw them up and you’ll have a bigger queue than whatever surfing non-surfing event is being flogged to those who don’t shower. But not all issues have that X factor.

The issue is getting these fuckers keyed in. Sure you could yell “OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE” on Grafton Street, but frankly nothing drives people to genocide faster than an Amnesty worker stopping them on the street.

How then to best engage a wellmeaning but naive student body? Is a way to get people interested in whatever it is that we should all know about.

Its an age old secret, held by a select few, inflicted on an indiscriminate many. The only way to grab a hungover undergrads attention is to flop yourself down, grab that prime desk real estate and save the world, one BESS student at a time.

A wooden Valhalla awaits the social warrior who dares to set up camp in the arts block. Even if your cause is a half assed CV filler, rocking a squat in the arts will draw moths to the flame of your moral superiority. Wield the might of that precious table, you’re sexy, you’re interesting, you might have free shit. A pack of refreshers? My email address? Well this looks an effective way to engage with global issues.

Double the signatures on that petition if you're attractive in a cute way.

Think of how important is it that everyone uses those shitty paper straws that dissolve slowly into your Orchard Thieves, making a grim situation even grimmer. But even with the best of intentions, you’re not gonna convince

someone to ditch that plastic cutlery in favour of some splintery death trap standing like some common pleb. Of course not, you might be woke but you need to wake the fuck up, standing up for what you believe in means sitting down in between lectures with some reheated lentils and a friendly disposition.

Life can be boiled down to three key words; Location, Location, Location.

You want people to give a shit and you’re plonked yourself at a desk in the Hamilton? Do you like... hate poor people? What point are you trying to prove? That we shouldn’t save the rainforest? But, If you secure that sacred wooden gold, people start to listen.

Amidst the Arts Block foot traffic there is an all alluring power to sitting where others must stand. You own that space, it is yours to command and bend the will of everyone who crosses your path.

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OPINION

Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

Critisizing the University Times is nothing short of murdering a journalist upon entering a Turkish Embassy I’ve been around this block a few times, you kids may think you know a thing or two about Queen Lizzie’s big fuck off learnhouse near Dublin but I’ve lived it. Nothing can take away the years I've spent explaining how gender quotas are functionally indistinct from concentration camps to teenagers in the comments section of my beloved student media.

And though I have yet to change my opinion on anything thus far, the journey hasn't always been easy. I’ve faced my fair share of censorship, from having to contend with the thumping bass in the downstairs of The Globe while explaining horseshoe theory to the girl from my politics lecture, to being politely asked to leave the science gallery for putting a “Please Touch” sticker above my exposed flaccid penis. Thankfully Dad was able to chalk that last one up as ‘boyish horseplay’ in the eyes of the law. And while I’ll always have my father to protect me, in a society where free speech is under attack from all angles, who will protect the humble student newspaper? I speak of course about the upstanding reporters of the University Times (UT).

Can we put a price on good journalism?

Without UT, Trinity College would be a vastly different place. I can only speak for myself but if I went to bed at night not knowing if, after lengthy contention, the TCDSU email will continue to be sent in Irish, let alone the names and courses of everyone who spoke at the meeting - I’m not sure I’d even want to wake up in the morning. Find me a man who would not happily financially support such veracious paladins of candour, and I’ll have found you the true enemy of the people.

UT provides a crucial service and anyone who suggests they could do it for a penny less degrades our glorious institution

with Trumpian smear. The idea that any publication should have to justify it’s €16,569 deficit is frankly an attack on the sanctity of the free press.

TWICE in 12 months UT has been denigrated by the student body. That’s a criticism every 6 months! Or 1/26th of a criticism every week! What students could be expected to put up with that level of vitriol from anyone, unless of course from UT on another crusade of dedicated journalism. Criticising the media means you’re no worse than the figurehead of urfacism in modern American. A man who I thought we had all agreed to hate. Because if you haven’t noticed: he also does that.

And also it’s 2018.

Also speaking of the ‘deficit’ (or as I like to call it, the truth tax), commenters went so far as to call UT loss-making! As if spending large swathes of cash with no prospects of it’s return could be called “loss-making”.

These white nationalist scum seem oblivious to the fact that while in 2014 the position of UT editor was split from TCDSU communications officer due to “surplus SU

As if spending large swathes of cash with no prospects of it’s return could be called “lossmaking” resources” with the intention of becoming “cost neutral” in a “timely manner”, advertisers just don’t seem to want to shill out 17k to a paper targeted at 18,000 students and who’s primary readership is the me and the family of pine martens that live under the Pav. And though UT’s online presence is as hefty as it is pernicious any

advertiser would be a fool not to attach themselves to comment sections of 6 paragraph diatribes by emotionally stunted young men with a chip on their shoulder about how the ruddy lügenpresse made their girlfriend cry.

But that can hardly be the fault of the humble UT editor? Our honourable oxen who bears the yoke of “ensur[ing] that daily content is produced at all times of the year.”[1] with nothing but a paltry city centre apartment and meagre €16,000 a year salary as incentive. Trawling a college where 2 maybe 3 interesting things happen a month for daily content leaves no time for balancing budgets or “securing regular advertising income.”[also 1] Obviously the TCDSU needs to make serious cutbacks, but we can’t compromise the integrity of revolutionary free media, especially not as they push such innovative, radical ideas as “We Must Do Better Than Direct Provision”, “Expensive Academic Books Put A Price Tag On Knowledge”, “It’s Time to Stand Up Against Climate Change” or “Everyone Deserves to Have a Roof Over Their Heads”. Without UT I’m not even sure I could form a coherent opinion on my own, let alone such nuanced analysis of today’s issues.

So if not UT where should we cutback? Well I for one would take aim at this ‘SU cafe’, although the only thing their serving up is a deficit of €3,836! That’s right! We could eliminate almost a whole quarter of UT’s debt with one fell swoop. How does a cheap alternative to city centre lunch compare with the nourishment of an engrossing op-ed? Why waste money on one of the only dedicated student areas ‘on-campus’, if you can even call goldsmith that, when the pantheon of free, edited expression is lunchroom enough for the intellectual.

Hamilton Students Grapple With New Ideas As Intimacy Comes To The Science Gallery

Intimacy is a hard thing to come by in the Hamilton.

The building stands as two separate entities mashed together like the transformer figurines I got last Christmas as I sit cross-legged in the washroom. To share the same space is a alien concept for those who dwellms’t here. Sure, we sit next to each other in lecture theatres but for most this benign action of everyday life is a thigh quiveringly sensual moment.

We’re not freaks, our parents hugged us and loved us, but as we migrated towards the city, to the heart of self-assured Dublin, we aspired to be as condescending and free-loving as those on campus west. But we weren’t accepted. Cast out into the cold for wearing seasonally appropriate gear. We took comfort for granted, deciding instead college was a place for learning instead of social posturing. We felt we deserved it. Beaten into submission we retreated to the icy depths of the ICT huts.

But something changed one slimey Autumn afternoon. Walking to lunch via the Pearse Street Gate and walking around the campus, rather than suffering the shame of parading my cantos through the inevitable clouds of glitter and smoke.

As I approached the gate there was a forray of red

stickers, impossible to avoid. “Absolute egg on the cleaning staff’s face there” I thought to myself. I looked closer and read words that felt clunky and uncomfortable on my tongue; “Please Touch”. I placed my hand over the sign and felt something awaken in me.

This was a genie I couldn’t put back in a bottle, I had to know more. I followed the trail of red stickers like bread crumbs into the Science Gallery and was greeted by someone handing me a sticker. Cautiously, I stuck the sticker to the centre of my chest and began my way through the exhibit. Friendly strangers tapped my chest as I walked by. Tears began to stream down my face. The touch of a stranger, without the necessary social lubricant, without spouting lines from my dating coach Joshlin to the saddest looking girls in Coppers, was ecstatic - and didn’t cost me the usual tenner.

I emerged a new man. Covered head to toe in “touch me” stickers i strode confidently, eager to share my discovery with others lost to the void. I stood in in the centre of the hamilton and raised both arms, welcoming embrace. After a few timed moments,

Why provide part-time employment for a number of students when we can provide accommodation, a work phone and a salary to one? The whole thing is an exercise in frivolity.

The simple fact is UT holds people to account. Student societies, The Provost, TCDSU, no one is safe from the scathing possibility of a strongly worded article. And there’s no coming back from one of those bad boys. Without UT the college would run amok! Unchecked! Imagine how raucous societies would be without the anxiety of knowing their mistake could be broadcast to the entire college community. Imagine the disregard for students the Provost might show if unchecked by the journalistic presence on campus. If the price of a vox populi in Trinity College is 20 weeks of food for an Irish family of four, that’s a price I’m willing to voice my opinion of a approval for someone else paying.

1. http://www.universitytimes.ie/the-role-ofthe-editor/

University Times Editor Evelyn McMahogany pictured with student activist and leader/hero of the Take Back Trinity movement Patrick Prendergast

much like coaxing a stray cat towards you, weary scientists moved towards me and my new found liberation. The spell was broken as a flock of lonely hands reached towards me gripping me. The euphoria spread, a wave of human flesh began to emerge as those so often left in the cold, sought warmth in the kindness of strangers. The hamilton was overcome.

“Touch me”, such a foreign concept became intimately familiar as we writhed against one another, and never looked back.

Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

6 Students Seeking Space For 2-3 Office Hours Per Week

TCDSU is facing a crisis after being forcibly removed from Mandela House (House 6) due to ongoing financial “difficulties”.

beyond its means”. Recent purchases have included a sex swing for the GSU Common Room, return trips to a luxury retreat in the Ardennes for class rep training, and over €35000 worth of Repeal jumpers.

The union, which is currently over 70 grand in debt, was forced to vacate the premises in the early hours of this morning. Despite Sabbatical officers fruitless appeals to Take Back the City Activists to occupy the building saying “charity begins at home” The union has apparently been behind struggling to make repayments since David Flood left the tab open in Tramline.

Reports say that since then, the union has been “living

Sources say that while most of the union’s officers left peacefully, SU president Shane De Rís was less agreeable, locking himself in the SU kitchen, and refusing to come out. When questioned by the Piranha, De Rís said that he planned to live on stale Pot Noodles for the foreseeable future, before resorting to more drastic measures declaring “I’ve got KeepCups

and totebags for days in here.

They should be sustainable enough to keep me going”

When questioned about how he was taking the news, De Rís told the Piranha “I spent all this time standing in solidarity with the oppressed - but I never thought bad things would actually happen to little old me.” He then winked.

The failing University Times, one of the union’s most bigly loss making enterprises, was also forced to vacate its office on the second floor of House 6.

An exorcist has been hired to remove the ghost of Dominic O’Brien, who refuses leave and

Erasmus Office Delays Grants to Fund Inevitable Counselling Studying abroad is considered by many students a necessary rite of passage of the university experience. It's a hugely rewarding experience according to former Erasmus students who all actually hated it but are to cowardly to admit that they wasted a year of their lives when someone asks.

The year presents many challenges, such as getting used to a different culture, trying to speak a new language, and making friends exclusively with other Irish people that you don’t necessarily like but choose to hang out with to save yourself from crippling loneliness.

On top of all this is the financial difficulty. Between rent, food, travel and empty photo frames that will never get filled, the financial strain placed on students studying abroad can be significant. This makes the Erasmus grant an absolute necessity for anyone studying abroad. The grant is an initiative designed to support students as they attempt to deal with living abroad for either one or two semesters.

Recently, the Trinity administration has been inundated with complaints from its students studying abroad who have been awaiting their Erasmus Grants since

September.

The Erasmus office are highly aware of these issues and believe they have found a solution.

It involves an alternative use for the grant; paying for therapy. According to the head of the department, “We surveyed previous Erasmus students and what we found was that an inordinate amount of them went on to go into therapy and counselling after their ‘character-building’ experiences abroad. So we thought we might help them out by giving them the grant when they would most need it - right after their study abroad finishes and they seek professional help.

"They’d only be wasting money on cheap drugs and fairy lights anyway."

They’d only be wasting money on cheap drugs and fairy lights anyway.”

Indeed, long-term trauma seems to be a common theme for students who choose to study abroad. On top of financial strain, the Erasmus year serves as a cultural kick in the groin for those who have become too comfortable

with the Irish way of life. Don’t go abroad expecting to find another Coppers Tuesdays and an eight-pack of Druids.

No more scraping 2.1s from library all-nighters for you pal, continuous assessment will be your new all-seeing deity.

Feeling like a hungover Spar chicken fillet roll? Eat shit, die, and get that quinoa salid into you, you uncultured degenerate.

You’ll soon become accustomed to the idea that all your friends, family, and anyone who ever cared about you is thousands of miles away and that you really are alone in this universe.

keeps getting angry again.

Plan sare in place for the SU shop to be converted into a branch of Bank of Ireland.

The Piranha understands that the union will now attempt to raise the money necessary to buy back the building outright.

The SU will try to raise funds by charging for entry to SU council, and turning UT into a subscription based soft porn magazine - neither of these measures, however, are expected to make any money.

7

UT comments sections. One student, struggling to contain tears of joy, told the Piranha “I’m a devout Catholic and tantric sex enthusiast, but this news is even better than any second coming”

The SU cafe will, however, stay open. This news was greeted by rapturous cheers in the Hamilton, along with numerous 60 line posts in the

Taken issue with anything in this paper? Here's a handy cut-out that you can deliver to Ballymount Ave, Greenhills, Dublin 24

Eventually you will convince yourself that getting a delayed cheque from Academic Registry in the post will solve all of these problems, that your debilitating depression will vanish once you return home, and that sending an email back to Trinity enquiring about the grant will set everything in motion. You will receive this response “Thank you for your email. We are experiencing a high volume of emails and are sorry if there are delays in responding. If your query has not been previously answered, please resubmit it, and a member of the Erasmus team will get in touch with you shortly.” Go back to stage one, grit your teeth as you scrape by each day at a time, rinse and repeat.

The Piranha Want to get involved? Think you can do better? (You'd be right) Email piranhatcd@gmail.com

Frosty Edition, Winter 2018

Piranha EXCLUSIVE: LEAKED Phil Hilary Debate Termcard Big Shoes To Fill: Life After Kev

SU President De RĂ­s laughes and enjoys ice cream in predecessors footwear as students struggle to make ends meet.