The Piranha 2019 Edition 4 - Final edition

The Goodbye Edition

Foreign Affairs

Spirituality

Ecology

Spring 2019

JS Erasmus student "pretty confident" that social circle and clout are eagerly awaiting his return.

- pg -2

David Flood campaigns to reduce SU Ents workload after tumultuous year of Chakra imbalances.

- pg ∞

Globalist elite erect cricket pitch barrier leading to signifcant loss of habitat.

Populations decimated.

Thousands dead.

- pg 2025

004

INSIGHT: Life on campus: An interview with the people who scream at night outside my window.

“Mom I’m on the TAF committee now I HAVE to stay, they NEED me” - Finding an excuse to not go on Erasmus to Japan

The

Piranha

A sometimes whimsical, sometimes vicious satire newspaper

Post-Exam Ussher1Fumigation Preparations Begin

Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

2

What's on?

AGM Season: Your one-way ticket out of isolation.

E

very year tens if not dozens of young hopefuls run for CSC society positions. Societies are a great opportunity for people to make friends. Unfortunately you first have to convince a room full of acquaintances that you can accomplish a menial task successfully for one whole year. For your convenience this AGM season we here at the Piranha have created a template speech that can be utilised to secure position on whatever society makes you feel as though you’re a part of something and not going to die alone.

Hi everyone,

My name is [name/title] and I am running for position of [insert position here] because I [think I would do a good job/have an interest in it/need something to make me think I’m relevant even a little].

I have enjoyed being a member of this society since [insert lie about the first event you ever attended] and have enjoyed attending events like [do some fucking research and be able to name at least two] and who can forget the time [falsehood about an imagined social interaction].

I was [prefect in secondary school] and loved [Relevant feild]. I’ve got loads of time on my hands since my entire family perished in a hot air balloon incident so vote me or else I’ll feel cripplingly shunned and may fall entirely out of the fragile friend group I’ve established here”.

Cheers, [Name] TOP TIPS: - End your speech with a half hearted promise to innovate slightly on the incumbent’s ideas but only if running in a contested race. All you want is the illusion of mates and clout, not actual work to do or promises to keep.

- Wear dark coloured clothing so that no one can tell you’re sweating furiously at the thought of leaving trinity without having had a tangible impact on anyone or anything.

- Ideally you want to be tagged in facebook photos of an event of theirs to prove to them that

you actually care and aren’t just dreading a year of doing your degree and applying for internships in which photos are taken very infrequently.

and aloof as possible and if you must speak make sure you reference doing drugs or staying in a squat during your visit to a European party city.

- Under no circumstances should you be friendly to anyone as society hacks have a nose for blood. Be as cool

BUZZWORDS: accessible/ accessibility; approachable/ ability; passion; interest; representative; involvement.

TBall: Convincing you affulent friend to host pre-drinks: an analysis

Step 1: Choose a wealthy guy with an

obvious sense of guilt about it and a Mum who wants to “get him out there”.

Step 2: Create a group chat with called “Pr!nkz??”.

Step 3: Add them last.

Step 4: Stress, and I really do mean stress, how utterly far your student house in Drumcondra is. This boy has never even been inside a Londis, for all they know you live in Drogheda.

Step 5: Make a smaller group chat called “T-BALLIN” so that they feel included, this is where the pendulm

starts to swing.

Step 6: Make sure to stay at his house after a night out cause “eh taxis these days amirite?!”. Charm his beautiful, silicone mother and purr softly as she tells you the staircase is cantilevered, once you have her heart and mind then the rest is cocktail sausages & samosas on china plates and girls in €300 dresses roll around on the grass taking selfies with the family labrador.

Step 7: Invite far, farrrr more people than initially mentioned, turn the group chat into a closed page, into an event, into a riot. Ruin his life.

Step 8: Emerge from the ashes, say cheers bud for a sound job altogether, then forget to mention how he can get to afters.

Step 9: Enjoy.

Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

2006

Shane De Rís gets called a ‘keyboard warrior’ for the first time, after winning an argument on club penguin.

2050 Trinity renamed University Times University.

2051

University Times renamed University Times Universty Times

2019

Laura Beston voted youngest child at march for the environment

2023

Scientists identify 2018 Comms officer Paraic McLean as primary cause of climate change.

“Anybody else excited for the GSU elections?” - Desperate student politics nerd tries to ‘fit in’.

“We tried calling all of our critics trump supporters, but that didn’t seem to be too good for optics, so this time we’re just going to let Eoin O’Dell do the talking”

3

Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and... I like to kiss my own butt.

- Provost Patrick Prendergast “You know, there was a point when I thought I'd never have sex with someone based on a seductive facebook post, but now I can't imagine life before trinder!”

- Your postgrad aunt who has a desk on Usher 5 “Well, I suppose this spells an ends for the ol' secret night time meth lab.

- Buttery workers remark on moves to become a student space

- UT editor on the paper’s response “Sure who hasn’t been force fed butter in the shower? Just good old fashioned fun, really”

It's been a YEAR let me tell you. We got in trouble for saying all that g*y shit and then after that it was pretty chill. Remember when all the SU candidates shared the edition to make it seem like they were “cool” and “in on the joke” and “not at all deeply insulted.” It’s been fun giving hard working, esteemed members of the college community grief for no other reason than that we can. Ultimately it was worth the relationships damaged and perception among the SU that we’re annoying smart alec cunts.

What a fun it has been, we learned how lakes are made (turns out they’re just big holes full of rain), at what point people from your own publications committee make complaints and how to leverage some incriminating emails for positive press. The Piranha plays a vital role for discourse on campus and for giving members of The Phil something to do once the realise they don’t really like debating.

- Older sibling consoles recent unsuccessful debating society eletion candidate

- Irish Times editorial.

NOTES FROM THE THRONE Time has come for us to yeet ourselves out of here, hope you enjoyed at least one thing we put together but also like whatever we don't care we're cool cos cool people say they're cool that's how it works see. You can’t touch us. We do this because we want to not because of the orgasmic validation we get from letting an acquaintances know that we’re responsible for one of Trinity’s most ok publications.

Pick up a sport you loser.

So if you're a bit of a jaded youngster with a chip on your shoulder and want to make the same jokes aimed at freshers every year then consider applying to write for The Piranha.

We're off out into the real world where we'll be even less relevant than we are here to do computers or cry about the apocalypse or make art or whatever you do when you graduate. Drop us an email to let us know who you think would do better in the apocalypse Conor or Sophie.

The Piranah

Editors: Conor Nevin Sophie Cassidy New Editors: Maeve Claffey Jack Counihan Senior writers:

Shane Kenneally Jack Dolan

Contributors: Jack Synott Andy Mcloughlin Conor Lamb

Ultimately this was never more than the disjoint jokes of a specific friend group hastly edited by a dyslexic and slapped together at 3am by an unreasonably tired man. And we wouldn't change it for the world.

Maeve and Jack are the new editors so any complaints about the current edition should be directed at them to ignore.

Enjoy your exams or your essays or whatever the next few weeks have in store for you. We hope you had as much fun reading the paper as we had making it.

Peace and love, Conor & Sophie

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in

The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

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Provost Patrick Prendergast wages Orwellian WAR on independant Student Media In his recent opinion piece in Trinity News Provost Patrick Prendergast took up verbal arms against student media in a ruthless, incoherent and factually inaccurate tirade against the very publications that regularly hold him to account.

In his piece the Provost, born in Enniscorthy, Wexford, writes “Some publications are news driven, [...] some are whimsical and some are vicious. (ed. Note: *dab*) [...] I don’t always like what they publish. [...] while another publication had a cartoon of me as Marie Antoinette saying “let them eat cake” (I didn’t).”

It is with this demonstrable falsehood that Prendergast, as the

immutable leader of Trinity college, attempts to rewrite history to skew current discourse in his favour. The publication in question is the one you hold in your hands right now dear reader, and the piece in question is the cover of our 2013 6th edition (photographed).

As we can see the provost’s analysis of the piece leaves a lot to be desired. Firstly, the figure in question, which depicts The Provost in an 18th century dress with what, having no first-hand experience, I am informed are realistic breasts given the corset, standing in front of a protest on front square. The figure exclaims “Let them pay fees” - a far cry from Prendergast’s

revisionist aristocratic dog-whistle “Let them eat cake”. He aims to frame the discussion with a hyperbolic conflation to a fictional riposte - discrediting the free media and purposefully mischaracterizing the objective and legitimate criticism of the pro-fee, revenue driven policies he consistently champions.

Yet there is further chaff to be cut from this wheaty web of lies. Because as we look at this quote in context, the Provost’s commentary begins to fall apart entirely. The quote comes as Paddy recounts the times he has been unfairly portrayed by the student media. He mentions 2 evident lies from other publications,

Opinion

however sandwiched between them a reference to a 6 year old cartoon.

He goes on to claim the cartoon, which he acknowledges as such, is an genuine attribution of speech. “a cartoon of me as Marie Antoinette saying “let them eat cake” (I didn’t)”.

We’re not saying you did Patrick, it’s a cartoon. We also don’t think you wear an opulent dresses and powdered wigs when you’re at home.

However if we were attributing any quote to you, which we weren’t, it would be “let them pay fees”.

Something you do in fact believe should happen.

It’s at this point the next steps seem clear: The Piranha demands a full redaction and apology for an what was an absolute 2007 WWE Smackdown vs Raw for the PS2 call-out from the Provost. The Provost needs to acknowledge the damage that his speech can do to the social fabric, especially in an age of such distrust in media, and should deliver a 2000 word essay on “Why lying is bad” to our desks next Monday morning.

How Dairy: How the Knights of the Campanile scandal has kink-shamed consenting butter eaters.

T

he Knights of the Campanile hazing scandal has been extensively reported on over the past few weeks, with high-profile commentators weighing in on the issue, including esteemed law professors, national media outlets, and the Provost

nature’s churned elixir. Moreover, those that do enjoy such consumption should be not be ridiculed, rather praised. Buttereating is a challenging, gruelling, expensive hobby, which should not be judged by those who have clearly never tried it.

Amid the media circus surrounding this debate, certain significant considerations have been forgotten. With this in mind, I would like to make you all aware of one crucial thing - this scandal has demonized and condemned the oft-enjoyed past-time of eating butter.

Among all the illustrious names spewing out mediocre takes on the hazing debacle, none have explicitly stated that they have ever consensually eaten large quantities of butter. And until they do so, we will never be able to truly tell how valuable their contribution is to this debate.

We at the Piranha heavily condemn the non-consensual consumption of butter; just the thought of butter being weaponized brings me to weep meaty tears of sorrow.

We as fee-paying students are left fully unsupported by a supposedly representative Student's Union who provide no support for the truly affected party here. De Rís has left the butter eaters out in the rain, and we’re starting to melt.

Butter should only be eaten by consenting dairy lovers who wish to gorge on large quantities of

Imagine the anguish I felt

when one night I sat down to my computer. I cracked open a fresh Kerrygold and settled in for a night of light reading on my favourite student journalism outlet universitytimes.com, I came across the story about The Knights of The Campanile, some erotic architectural bell tower society. I went to the comment section to share my thoughts on the illicit recording of a group of repressed aggressors exercising questionable power dynamics over their younger more impressionable members.

But to my horror I found the comments full of cheap jeers and snide witticisms about my dairy delight. Tired old hacks tagging friends and pointing the finger at the honest people of this college.

The students who keep this college running while they sneer from their ivory towers.

I don't think it's much to expect to be allowed to exist in Trinity

College without having that existence brought into question and ridiculed in a public forum and it the responsibility of college authorities and the SU to fight against these prejudices.

Eoin O’Dell. David Kenny, Oran Doyle and Neville Cox. Eleanor O’Mahony and Niamh Lynch.

Provost Patrick Prendergast.

How can each of these people be taken seriously within the context of this discourse when I doubt even a single one of them has ever eaten as stick of butter in their life.

Too often when these debates occur the most relevant minorities are pushed to the fringes of the conversation, and it becomes a conversation about them, not a conversation with them. And remember next time you choose to use someone’s lifestyle as a joke, the damage that that can cause a person is lifelong.

Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

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What's Hot // What's Not Springtime dish served by the squirrel who lives in New Square As sunlight licks the leaves on the blossoming trees of Trinity's interior a fuzzy member of the squirrel family (Sciuridae) navigates the mile-a-minute action of Trinity's social scene. We caught up with this arboreal, omnivorous rodent get the word on the cobblestones.

HOT Knights of the Campanile getting away with it:

Well well we’ve come to the final issue and I suppose as resident queen

it’s time I bestowed some honours to some of my most cherished subjects.

The Knights of the Campanile, those dastardly boys who are up to no good! My dear readers I was as outraged as you were when I heard about the salacious actions of these young athletic men. As my eyes poured over the minute details of the annual hazing event, the butter, the shower…the Ben Arrowsmith I felt a rush of blood to my head(s), a frantic beating in my chest, and a violent sense of rage and injustice that I, yes I, had been snubbed. I’m certain many of you can sympathise with me when I say that I have never been so offended, disgusted or appalled in my life. The actions of this elite group of students prove once more that Trinity is still an institution that values wealth, nepotism and unrealistic body standards. I may not have a six pack, I may not be 6’4 but what I lack in physique I make up for in being a dirty dirty boy. To have been excluded from eating hot butter in a steaming shower while rolling in my naked whore filth has reminded me that although the CAO might create a level playing field, once you're inside the walls of Trinity only Daddy’s favourites get ahead.

I may be hurt, I may be shocked, but what I’m not is dejected. The world loves a bad boy and let me say one thing, Ben Arrowsmith…I’ll wait for you in jail. I think I speak for every other leather-twink-sub on campus with Daddy issues and a problematic desire to be punched in the eye, when I say that to us you’re the pin-up we never knew we needed. You’ll forever be up there with the greats like John Mayer, the hot Boston Bomber, Leo Varadkar’s “partner", or Gerry McCann in a Ralph Lauren polo. You’ve got it, and by it I mean an ingrained classist perspective and lack of empathy for others. Call me a "stupid bitch”, take my phone and never give it back, or better yet - refuse to apologise in even the slightest way. Do all of the above and whatsmore do it with the privilege of knowing you’re absolutely entitled to. Finally on behalf of every sub and kink boi out there, thank you for making the annual Trinity scandal the gayest it has literally ever been.

Pavternoons:

The perfect excuse to while away the hours, put your mind to rest and tell your instagram following via boomerang that “oh sure we’re only having a cheeky one” (bonus points if your pic includes Shellac nails firmly grasping a warm druids can). Except really it’s none of the above because let’s face facts Eva that cheeky "one” is 427 calories in a plastic cup that’s going to end up in a dolphin. Oh and you won’t have one you’ll have nine and then cry in the shower looking at the nail varnish on your toes before writing “Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel” in the notes on your phone. No we don’t know why you wrote that either. Anyway the overarching point is that Pavternoons are where you and your future start to decline and conversations with your friends start to lead in only one direction. Will we get the assignment done? Nah let’s go Pav! When’s your dissertation due? Eh me no know ye dork, Pav? Have you talked to your parents in a while? God isn’t it great they got that ATM in there jesus!! I’m worried about you, you really aren’t yourself! The secret is to buy your Pratsky in SPAR and then bring em in your bag, like how are they gonna fucking check haha you know what i mean?!

And before you know it you’re reading this piece and thinking oh my good god is that me? It probably is, it probably is. But what harm, you’re young once, the sun is out, and the canal has just a few too many people who hit an 8/10 on my internal "will they beat me up" scale. College is where the real you can shine and also potentially where the real you can become nothing more than the wonderful “tskkk-crack” of a fresh one, icy cold in the palm of your hand. Anyway, its exam season so I’m far too busy to tell you your business.

Let’s all just shut up, suppress our anxieties and have a good time, sure the chances that you’ll be the one who sees their life tumble into ruin are at least like what 1/12 anyway that’s MATH and that’s for peedooooss!!! Be grand, right so, Pav?

NOT Greta Thunburg - and enviro slacktivism:

We are doomed. The air chokes, the seas blacken, forests burn and mother earth our Terra Firma, screams. In our time of need there are many who’ve risen up in arms to save the barren womb of nature from total ruin and degradation. None so boldly nor so loud as a pig tailed girl from Scandowegia with a fearless disposition and a hand made placard, wow did she overcome the odds. And the fuck are you up to huh? You’re sitting there reading a newspaper printed on tree corpse looking around and thinking that if you share just one more Refinery29 video you might just make a difference.

You’re sludge, the dilute of human achievement, and christ knows I am too. I was a vegetarian for 6 weeks, and you know why I stopped? Cause I like the taste of murder too goddamn fucking much. I am the problem, just as all of us are here in our bubble on this island inside the fascist, neo-globalist model of first world segregation we fondly call the European Union. When your grandchildren are born with half a lung, green skin and slitted gills all down their necks what will you say you did? Greta won’t last and we know that, she’s the next Bobby Kennedy if I ever saw one let’s admit it. Not got an answer?

Neither do I prick. How does that make me feel? Hard done by.

Just like Santa, the tooth fairy and women’s problems, I could have held my hands to my ears and gone “LA LA LA” for a bit longer. Wanna know who I blame?

GRETA. I could have had at least 12 more good years on this planet if it weren’t for a smug Icelandic teenage dropout reminding me that my day to day, my way of life and my hopes and dreams for my future are not only killing absolutely all living beings but simultaneously impossible and delusional given the state of events as they stand. Take a fucking day off and let me and my keep cup sleep at night or better yet, come back to me when you can get into Coppers you walking piece of noise!

Rickshaw pills:

Not hot just really unsafe; It’s T Ball, we get it - you wanna live a little and take illegal substances. The urge is massive, the pressure is monumental and the shame is truly everlasting if you’re the one in the group who’s too far up their mummy’s fanny to take three quarters of a pinger that arrived here in a foreign nationals alimentary canal.

The facts are that drugs are sO mUCh FuN! The problem is that there’s far too many ones that might make you shed your mortal coil and pull a “tragedy”. Pop the wrong rice krispies and before you know it all your friends are bonding over getting to hug your extended family and your Debs pic is just plastered across the glossy pages of the Sunday Independent. Therefore my dear reader you must take precautions. Let me introduce you to a familiar character; the beautiful accented man who’s bike glides like a flock of colourful migratory birds down Grafton St, he offers you good times, a warm smile and most of all he has wares if you have coin - he is death incarnate, Baphoment in a SuperDry jacket. Consuming his Yurtish Delights is a express ticket to Arás na Phiarsiagh with the distressed fat friend who lost everyone else and will never forgive you for daring to party.

At Piranha we have a few recommendations for you on how to get your yip on without the dreaded fizzy shite, time loops, or existential dread of K-Holing to that one Irish language Coronas song.

1 - Find - Rich - People. They have connections, they have dealers, and they have brought too much with them. Wait til they’re in the middle of an anxious come up before you remind them that “heh jesus man you’ve enough on ye to skip possession and go straight to intent to supply”. Compound their fear by pointing out the shifty bald lad in the black suit wearing an ear piece and cash in on your opportunism!

2: Microdose every hour for at least a week before the big night. A trick we learned from cult classic the Princess Bride, and not one you’ll ever be able to snap out of easily but that’s besides the point because life through addiction is still more life than the swallow of death heh.

3: Remember to have fun - it’s all in your head really, no such thing as a bad pill just a bad attitude. You’re in charge of your own reactions so if things seem a bit weird maybe like count to ten or take some more so that you get to the good part faster, worst thing you can do is cause a fuss and put everyone on a banger, if it’s really tough have about half a pint of water.

And that’s that! I hope I’ve left you wiser, healthier and all the more knowledgeable about what it takes to be ahead of the curve in Trinity College Dublin ( the secret is no one is ever actually happy and T Ball is but the third act of this tragic Operá)

Stay Safe! x.

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Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

An ode to ViceProvost Chris Morash: I

first came to this college a quiet, withdrawn, socially apathetic boy from the West. Dublin was a strange new world to me, a far cry from the home comforts of Crossmolina. Walking through Front Arch and seeing the beaming, optimistic Freshers joining societies, I felt out of place. As my fellow students got involved in Players, The Phil, VDP, I withdrew further into myself. The Trinity world felt so alien and wrong to me.

The change eventually came, from such innocuous beginnings. One dull, rainy November morning, late for my medieval history seminar, I spotted him from the corner of my eye. There he was, Vice Provost Chris Morash, on the front cover of Trinity News. That genial, happygo-lucky smile, those twinkling eyes - immediately, I was won over. “Supplemental exam fees are about fairness” - My life changed that day. From that day forward I was a proud, card-carrying Morash disciple.

The next steps were obvious but unfortunately my application for a Chris Morash Society was rejected by the CSC. Chris had gotten me through such hard times of my own and I was desperate to meet more Chris-minded individuals like myself. Then #TakeBackTrinity happened, and people who had laughed in my face when offered access to the Chris Morash newsletter started disparaging his good name.

But as much as I could not stand it, I was also drawn to it. With every protest came a response from the man I saw as a father, nay, Father figure. He had this quiet confidence about him, a man risking it all for what he believed in. I admired him greatly. I soon began to join the rallies, if only to catch a glimpse of my dear Vice Provost, standing tall against the horde of militant students.

Eventually, the matter was settled and the storm subsided. Yet my Chris-tianity grew only more intense. My daily life was framed around Chris. How was he?

I started to join societies, in the hope of finding others like me. To the Hist I proposed a debate on the brilliance of Chris Morash, to no

avail. In KnitSoc, I knitted myself a miniature Vice Provost hot water bottle jacket, just for me.

The Christian Union welcomed me with open arms, yet stopped short of glueing a photo of Chris Morash onto their poster of Jesus and the virgin Mary. On this journey I learned many things. In times of hardship, I look towards the bracelet from my Chris Morash themed TAF craftshop: WWCMD. I had a dream about you Chris. I was tossing and turning.

Worrying about my degree and how the Trinity Education Project was going to affect my future. I needed guidance in my moment of darkness. And suddenly there you were, dressed in a white gown and bathed in a warm glow.

You approached me and embraced me, saying “TEP will be of benefit to all students, reflecting the growing need for semesterisation”. And I was filled with a warmth like no other that I had ever experienced.

When I woke, I heard the news that you had resigned. I’m not ashamed to say that I cried at the news. Life seems cold, cruel and meaningless now. But I know that this too is temporary, and to be the person that Chris knew I could be, had he known me, I would have to continue.

So we carry his light forward, in these divisive times and pay our respects to the only man I've ever truly loved.

To you, Chris, Te amo.

Wow! This JF student ruined an entire evening by talking pretentiously about philosophy to people who clearly aren’t interested.

We’ve all been there. You’re at one of those fancy “parties” your parents told you about when you were a child. All the cool kids are “getting yipped”, dancing, actually HAVING fun.

For fucks sake, even that guy you saw crying in the library because he forgot to submit his dissertation this morning seems to be having a ball. But you, battered soul that you are, feel nothing.

To your superior intellect, these earthly pleasures seem pointless. Passing distractions in the endless parade of hollow pain we laughingly call life. A pacification mechanism. You’re desperate to return to the cosy embrace of Ussher 4. In those hallowed halls, musty from all the decaying copies of Plato’s

Phaedo, you know where you stand. There, you can bullshit all you like, and they give you a degree for it. There, you are the alpha.

And that’s when it hits you: what if you brought the library TO the party? Who doesn’t love chatting about their degree curriculum at a pre-drinks?

Obviously everyone here will have read Bertrand Russell’s classic History of Philosophy, so you know you’ll be on the same page. If you’re not having fun, no one else should be able to either. Take a long drag on that rollie, son. This is gonna be a hell of a night.

You walk up to a group of classmates, putting on the amicable charade you know

social convention requires. After a while, it becomes unfeasible for them to pretend not to see you. “Hi Chris”, they say, their enthusiasm palpably absent.

“The problem with Foucalt,” you reply, “is that he has no response to the question of object permanence.”

Corr Blimey! What an opening line! Does it make sense? Does it have to? Their shocked faces tell you everything you need to know. You are a god to these simpletons. Out of the stunned silence one of them pulls a question, groping for some way, any way, to engage with your erudite aura. “What do you mean?” he says. You were just waiting for someone to ask.

Two hours later, you’re still treating the crowd to an improptu lecture on the nature of objective truth. Most people have gone home, but those who remain MUST be loving it. You just hope they aren’t too drunk to pick up on the nuance in your critique of Kant’s categorical imperative. The conversation is admittedly one-sided, but that’s exactly how you like them.

You’re a conductor, guiding these baser minds towards perfection. You hope that someday, someone will thank you for this public service.

Eventually, everyone, including the host, has left. You are alone again, just how you like it. Who needs friends, ‘fun’, regular sex.

You have something much more important: you have philosophy.

7

Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

Trinity College Students Relieved by Return of Complacent Desperation: O ne year ago this March, students of Trinity College protested an unfair and inequitable fee hike for students re-sitting exams, culminating in a three day occupation of the Dining Hall & the capitulation of the college administration.

Speculation at the time was that this might be a flash-in-the pan movement, destined to fizzle out like so many others. One year on, the student body breathes a sigh of relief upon the realisation of this prediction.

“Seeing students from all different walks of life and political backgrounds coming together in the name of collective action gave us a real hope that if we made a concerted and genuine effort, we could make a real difference,” said one student for whom Take Back Trinity was a first tentative step into the world of political activism. “And of course life is a lot simpler now that that hope is gone."

Sensing the turning of political tides, president-elect Laura Beston has broken with her activist past and announced the publication of a friendly pamphlet guiding students through the task of excusing themselves from taking meaningful action on causes that directly affect them. “Of course, I’ll be uniquely positioned to produce this pamphlet as president given the amount of this exact bullshit we had to put up with during Take Back Trinity itself.” said Beston in an interview with The Piranha.

People say things like, “They’re just looking for attention,” “It’s only delaying the

inevitable,” or “It doesn’t tackle the core of the issue.” Though presumably every single person who offered that final criticism was among the total of forty people who attended this year’s Fund the Future march for education, an event which drew a crowd of 10,000 only three years ago.

The pamphlet is intended to help students evade responsibility on broader issues, too.

“Climate change is definitely easiest because you can just say that we’re all fucked no matter what we do, and that’s pretty hard to refute.

Handily though, there’s nothing stopping you from also using the fact that climate change represents such an immediate and gutcrunchingly dreadful threat to humanity that we shouldn’t even think about solving any of our other massive social problems until we have that one sorted, which we never will.”

Current SU President and literal plastic mannequin Shane De Rís has praised the initiative, saying, “This pamphlet is just the kind of resource that our increasingly invertebrate student body is demanding, offering a variety of equivocal and evasive sample sentences that can be used in almost any scenario."

My personal favourite is, “You’re just trying to relieve your middle class guilt,” because not only does it shift attention away from your own apathy, but it also gives you the very feeling of sanctimony that you’re accusing activists of indulging in.”

Campaign launched to remove the University Times microchip from inside my brain.

At the last SU council, De Rís responded to shrill, annoying concerns that in an age of increasing complexity, complacency is our greatest threat, stating, “Of course I’m vaguely in favour of progressive campaigns once they’ve already succeeded. I just don’t think it’s useful to alienate voters this close to local elections with radical action. Or any action at all, for that matter.” De Rís concluded by re-attaching the plastic arm which had fallen off during his speech. Because he is a literal plastic mannequin.

Fortunately, the proposed pamphlet may not even be necessary, given recent levels of placidity on campus. There were concerning levels of activity around housing last September with the Take Back The City protests, but students may take solace in the fact that the energy behind this movement has almost entirely dissipated, and they can return to focussing on more minor stresses like exams, essay deadlines, and the black mold spreading through their €1500 per month bedsit.

The other major focus of social justice tomfoolery on campus have come from campaigns against Direct Provision, primarily Aramark off Our Campus. Students concerned about a resurgence in activism around the systemic human rights violations perpetuated in their name will be relieved to learn that this campaign was run almost entirely by four or five students who will be graduating at the end of this year. “It would be amazing if this campaign didn’t die on the vine just because I specifically am not

around to support it”, said Stacy Wrenn, who represents approximately 20% of the campaign team necessary to attain semicommital recognition from our SU. “But of course, if we’re not around, people might not ever have to think about Direct Provision, and I suppose that’s basically the same thing as it not existing.”

Reports have emerged from the Student Counselling Services (SCS) of a nagging restlessness emergent among some students who are having problems with ignoring problems. Dr. Michelle Jeong of the SCS told The Piranha.

“An obvious palliative measure would be to engage in a small amount of activism to get it out of your system, like an inoculation. But the trouble is that standing up to the broad social and economic forces that increasingly govern your life and the lives of those around you is an incredibly rewarding activity, and those who engage in it only become more reluctant to ignore those problems altogether.”

As such, the SCS recommends engaging in only those forms of protest which have little or no effect of any form, such as sharing inflammatory tweets, listening to the Blindboy Podcast, and writing for satirical newspapers.

Top 5 places to study on campus where you probably won’t be assaulted by a fellow student:

5. Walking behind a security guard with your fingers through his belt loops for protection (not in like a sexy way) 4. Inside the glass case where the book of kells is kept 3. Anywhere, while crawling around on the floor to make yourself a smaller target 2. Behind a steel reinforced door 1. Any of Trinity’s 3 libraries, armed with an offensive weapon because guns don’t kill people, people kill people

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Farewell Edition, Spring 2019

Spotting an undercover garda at Trinity Ball: A Guide Unfortunately undercover guards are a reality at Trinity Ball and nothing will ruin your buzz like a run in with the fuzz. Thankfully modern science has generated the following image to help you spot snake in the grass. So stay sharp while having your fun and make ample use of the portaloos to avoid being caught out.

Dublin locals pull no punches on Eleanor O'Mahony during the UT privacy scandal