The Piranha - Election Special - Vol. 39 Issue 3

Election Special Spring 2018

003

The

Political

Economics

General

MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Why drawing a flaccid penis on your polling card technically counts as a vote for Shane de RĂ­s - pg 10

IN FOCUS: Are the seagulls in trinity getting bigger or are we all collectively getting smaller?

- pg 22

GUIDE: How to manage your sexual tension now that the new Luas Cross City is 10 metres longer - pg 20

Piranha

a political, economic, and general newspaper

HOW'DYA LIKE

THIS ABILITY?

Election Special, Spring 2018

IN FOCUS

TRINITY PUBLICATIONS TO BE REPLACED WITH SCREAMING ENDLESSLY INTO THE VOID

I

n a clear indication of why you should, in fact, not let sleeping dogs lie, and furthermore should ensure that they are kept wide awake by shocking them repeatedly with a 12ft cattle prod, the radioactive nappy dumpster that is the Trinity Publications Saga lurched back to life once more when the Capitations Committee restored Clare McCarthy to the role of chair of the capitated body. In response to this, the Capitations committee further recommended that Trinity Publications Committee be replaced with an unending screech of unknowable sorrow, as both served basically the same purpose.

In a letter seen by The Piranha, the Capitations Committee highlighted the differences between Trinity Publications and screaming into a void, stating that ‘one was boundless in its suffering and now only inculcates an endless sadness in all that came in contact with it, and the other is screaming into the void.’

Seeming pleased with the committee’s decision, Provost Patrick Prendergast highlighted the savings that such a change could make, at a time when Trin-

ity was moving towards a more financially responsible position. ‘Ah sure it’s great so it is,’ Prendergast was heard saying, ‘the savings we’ll make by eradicating Trinity Publications’ print budget in favour of demonic screeching into inky blackness is exactly the sort of costeffective, entrepreneurial move that will bump Trinity up the rankings to where it belongs. Sure, you get the odd demon summoned from time to time what with all the screaming, but as long as they pay non-EU fees, they’re fine with me! Heh heh heh. ’ It remains to be seen if McCarthy will stay on as head of the void-screaming, or if she will join the remaining Trinity Publications Committee members in abandoning all hope of the issues in Trinity Publications ever being put to rest. Only time will tell.

In other, less soul-crushing news, elephants will often cover sleeping humans with leaves because they think the human has died and get sad about it. So that’s something.

2

O’MAHONY SEEKS LARGER PLATFORM FOR HER TERRIBLE OPINIONS

U

nsatisfied with her position as deputy editor of the University Times, Elanor ‘Joke Candidate’ O’Mahony as she is known to her friends has launched her bid for the position of editor of the University Times, in an effort to obtain a wider remit to broadcast her unwanted, and unnecessary opinions.

O’Mahony, former chair of the editorial board of the University Times, is no stranger to taking advantage of a reach that is not available to the vast majority of students, a fact that she seems unaware of, as she issues opinion after opinion with the self-confidence of someone with years of experience within the field, rather than a college student with little life experience outside the walls of a relatively liberal university in our nation’s capital.

Not content with the privilege that already suffuses her journalistic life, O’Mahony was keen to highlight just how she would abuse her powers when elected.

‘Sure, McGrath had his editorial notebook, for when he wanted to air his views without having to, you know, actually take the time to justify them or anything, but I want to take that one step further. Why issue editorials so infrequently?

If I am elected, I will ensure that the entire student body is kept up-to-date with all my musings on nuanced sociopolitical issues. And boy do I have a lot of opinions. Correct ones too.’

‘Repeal? I’ve got this. The political instability in the north? Solved.

The housing crisis? Kildare Street will be weeping with joy when they realise that the solution to their problems lies with me, and my unfounded assertions.’

CIAN FUR COMMUNICATIONS & MARKETING Hello fren, It me, Cian Rynne, Communications and Marketing Candidate!

Bamboozled again! *mlem* A lot of u heckin’ puppers know I love me sum doggos, but u know what also does me an excite? Alt-right nationalism! *boop*

The biggest h*ckin concern for woofer and doggo alike is the threat to our borders posed by nugg stealin’ feminazis and their cuck friends, *scritch*, mongrel puppers. With that in mind, the yummiest yumjuice of all is knowing that our culture is safe.

If elected, I promise more doggos on campus, daily

When questioned about how her opinions can be so correct all the time, O’Mahony bristled.

visits from Nigel Farage, and uncomfortable questions about the role flirting plays in a post-Weinstein world. Can’t even give a pupperina some pats anymore? Doin’ me a heckin sad!

The world is a big, scary place frens, and only I have the skills necessary to ensure free speech is protected, snoots

‘Look, I don’t think you guys in The Piranha get it. We are the University Times. We are a student newspaper with such poor working conditions that people feel afraid to attend family events for fear of missing deadlines. We matter. We have national reach. Our readership is in the thousands. Or at least, we print thousands of copies, even if most of them end up in the bin, wasting large chunks of student money, at a time when the Union is becoming less and less able to sustain itself. This, even when we have a website with the exact same content, rendering the print edition nothing more than a very expensive, totally unnecessary duplication process. A duplication process that costs 20,000 euro per year, money which could literally go towards anything else, like ameliorating the waiting lists for the college health-service, offering more financial assistance to students in need, or literally just helping some find somewhere to sleep at night. This, all in a selfdefeating exercise in vanity.’

‘When we write things, it matters.

It is correct. And because nobody has the funding or status like we do, nobody can call us out. And if they do, we can just issue another editorial on why they’re wrong.

We’ll bury the fuckers. So you see, the University Times is, and always will be correct. And you can either drink the Kool-Aid or get the fuck out of my way.’

Undeterred with the boldness of her claims, O’Mahony offered a stirring defence before concluding the interview.

‘People may say I’m naive, or cocky for thinking that my opinion matters this much, but what they don’t realise is that I have a huge platform, and that’s what matters.

So move over McGrath, the editorial board ain’t seen nothin yet!’

are booped, and foreigners are kept out.

A vote for me is a vote for schoobs, and floofs, and walls, and traditional family values!

A world where men are men, women are women, and nobody ever goes into bork overdrive.

A world where love is love, and by that I mean heteronormative and cisgendered *slurps

bepis*.

It would do me a large happy if u vote Cian for doggo supremo, and ignore my questionable political views in favour of moar doggos!

Cian4Doggos Cian4WhiteNationalism *scrotch* *blep* *mlem*

3

Election Special, Spring 2018

2037

The International Court of Justice in a 12/3 split decide to nuke house 6 rather than allow the Trinity Publications debacle to continue any longer

2017

University Times have no idea how close they are to unearthing the conspiracy behind Clare McCarthy’s removal from Trinity Publications

2018

MCD announces Versatile as official T-Ball drug dealers

"If you can't afford supplemental fees then don't fail?"

Trinity College Dublin

2021

Kevin Keane’s trailing limbs finally vacate House 6

Date Unknown

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

‘I can’t wait to sign up for the UT’s daily election briefing emails!’

Kevin Keane releases Dream Jars labelled “SU President” exclusively into the bedrooms of problematic white men

No-one Ever

Bitter, jaded infant during election season

NOTES FROM THE THRONE A h, the election season is upon us, filled with primary coloured t-shirts, binned candidate leaflets, and desperate students hoping to shore up their self-worth by volunteering for a candidate they met once on a night out in halls a year ago. On the bright side at least, all the not-making-eyecontact one has to engage with in order to traverse the Arts Block unscathed will come in handy in the real world when all those street campaigners try and make you sign a petition. Sure, aren’t they all terrible people anyway? Look at Oxfam, the hypocritical cretins, you’ll tell yourself, in a pained attempt to avoid dealing with global inequality using with a thin veneer of illogical cynicism.

But as the saying goes, plus ça change, plus or minus the square root of B squared over 2A. Or something. The Piranha doesn’t speak croissant. Year in and year out, the same pasty white men are plastered on posters across campus, in an ever more stunning lack of diversity that would make even the most hardened of misogynist racists say ‘woah Trinity, read some Simone de Beauvoir or some shit.’

Satire is based on truth. We think. We may just be making that up. And if the same sort of bland, inoffensive, and ineffective candidates keep offering up their jaded ideas election after election, then we’re going to run out of things to make fun of.

There’s only so many times we can make ‘generic white man’ jokes before we have to start making meta-jokes about the number of ‘generic white man’ jokes we are forced to make. Like we’re doing right now.

Who said The Piranha couldn’t be #Meta?

But seriously, we’re desperate for material.

So for the love of all that is good and funny Trinity (it might not be funny for you, we certainly have a good time), do us here at The Piranha a favour and just RON the lot of them. The whole kit and caboodle. Especially the presidents. They’re a particularly painful shade of Dulux paint catalogue white. Then hopefully we’ll come to our senses and run campaigns filled with the kind of mecha-lizard-ghost candidates we’ve always dreamed of.

So vote RON, vote for weird diversity, and the kind of material we can currently only dream of.

Love, M&T

”

“How dare these ambitious young gogetters try to make MY college experience better! What a bunch of attention seeking slobs!”

“You know, I have some relevant thoughts on the whole Dr. Selim thing” Men of Trinity

The Piranha

Co-Editors: Tom Cantillon Manus Dennison

Senior Staff Writers Will Dunleavy Liz MacBride Conor Nevin Claire O’Nuallain Contributors Jack Dolan Jack Cullen Alex Mac Donnell Sophie Cassidy Germano Girardelli Barry Lysaght Shane Kenneally Katie Bolger Meave Claffey Jack Counihan James Johnston Orla Heatley Greg Murphy Deirbhile Brennan Aoife Stephens Mark Finn sInternational Correspondent Orla Heatley The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do

with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious.

The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

4

Election Special, Spring 2018

PAUL MOLLOY SELLS OUT STUDENT BODY FOR TURKISH DELIGHT

I

n a tip-off received last night, SU presidential candidate Paul Molloy's plans have been revealed to betray the TCD student body to the White Witch in return for a guaranteed win in his election, and some sweet sweet Turkish delight.

The White Witch, no stranger to interfering with democracy for personal gain, is said to have been wooed by Molloy's offer of a Gold Medal for

RYAN TO REPRESENT IRELAND AT WINTER OLYMPICS A COLD DAY IN HELL

I

t has been revealed today that presidential candidate Sean Ryan will represent Ireland in the upcoming games in Pyeongchang. The Trinity Student will compete in Columbian Skiing, a sport he began practicing upon his arrival in Trinity in 2014. After long months training on powder mountain, Ryan is groping for Gold, having battled against the odds to overcome the handicap of being from Meath that he has had since birth.

While many come to trinity with the hopes of dabbling in Columbian snow sports, Ryan has truly stood head and shoulders above the rest in his sheer dedication to the sport, often going without sleep for days at a time in order to push the limits of his endurance.

While some have raised concerns about the costs of his training methods, due to the large financial costs incurred through having authentic snow

Outstanding Contribution to Discourse, and agreed to a tête-à-tête with Molloy.

While Molloy assures the Electoral Oversight Commission that he has not provided any speakers fees, accommodation or travel costs to his benefactor, the gigantic sled the Witch arrived in bearing the Hist logo suggests otherwise.

campaign team has been banned by the Commission from campaigning in the Arts Block for a period of one hour, as well as barred from hanging out near any lamp-posts.

When pressed for comment Molloy cantered off on his svelte faun legs, leaving nothing but footprints and traces of powdered sugar in his wake.

Is this Faun trying to fuck your wife? Read more on page 11

In response to this, Molloy's flown in from Columbia on a weekly basis, Minister for Sport Shane Ross has argued that this expense is necessary is Ryan wishes to compete with the best in the world.

In spite of this, the Minister expressed concerns as Ryan has tried to hide his history by deleting his facebook account.

“We’ve put a lot of time and money into ensuring that Sean can complete with the professionals from New York, we’d hate to see him throw it all away by pretending that it didn’t happen for the sake of an election,” said Ross.

Despite being told of this news on multiple occasions, The University Times refused to report on it, with editor Dominic McGrath stating, “Yeah this is just absolutely not news, maybe we’ll report on it if he gets to the REAL olympics, but until then please only come to us with news worth reporting.”

Speaking exclusively to the Piranha, the Paralympian spoke of the support he has received from long term friends while living the double life of attending campaign rallies and ripping phat rails of white lightning. “Of course I’ve always had a really dependent relationship with my best friend Charlie, and I’ve

received incredible support from my sponsor coca-cola, I wouldn’t be within a sniff of a winning without them” Ryan assured this reporter that if his Presidential campaign was to fall through that he would return full-time to his training facility down an alleyway off Harcourt Street.

However the self styled ‘Fix from the Sticks’ raised questions about his commitment to the sport should he be elected: “Skiing is a hell of a Sport, I don’t know if I could juggle the commitments of House 6 and the need to train every night of the week,” Ryan sniffled, possibly holding back tears “If only there was some way I could delete my past as an expert in Columbian snow sports” he opined, before a proverbial light-bulb exploded above his head and he immediately began destroying every trace of himself on facebook predecember 2017.

Ultimately the question falls to the electorate, if Ryan is elected President, Ireland stands to lose a true artist on the powder. Clearly the road to success is littered with bumps, but the key to victory will always be substance over style.

DE RÍS VS. DE RICE: A TASTE TEST I

n an effort to prove that he was in some way interesting, and not simply the unholy love child of the previous two SU presidents, Shane De Rís decided to challenge his namesake (plain, unsalted, boil-in-the-bag rice) to a taste test.

These were The Piranha’s findings.

APPEARANCE Complex, multi-layered, and full of useful draining holes to make serving effortless, boil-in-the-bag rice had a huge lead in this category over De Rís, whose vague and unhelpful manifesto ideas failed to muster much support, let alone feed a family of four for under ten euro.

Winner: De Rice SMELL Close your eyes. Sniff. What’s that? The sweat filled dungeon that was prepubescent Wezz? No! It’s Shane De Rís, smelling splendidly of Lynx Africa, a scent that serves to please nobody, and mildly annoy everyone simultaneously, as it conjured memories of the back of the halla at the Gaeltacht and Galway Girl playing in the background as you were felt up over your clothes. BoilIn-The-Bag rice on the other hand has felt you up neither under nor over you clothes, and smells delightfully of soft nourishment.

Advantage rice.

Winner: De Rice NUTRITIONAL CONTENT De Rís takes an early lead in this one, displaying a knack for providing you with just what you want to hear/consume. Over time however, his nutritional content, much like his promises, is found to be empty, and only makes you feel bloated, and a little nauseous. Rice on the other hand is 90% carbohydrate, 8% protein and 2% fat, and is perfect as part of a balanced diet.

Winner: De Rice ABILITY TO WITHSTAND 3 MINUTES IN A 900W MICROWAVE This wasn’t even close.

Winner: De Rice VERDICT Despite the social capital De Rís gains from putting his name in Irish, unfortunately, he is no match for this seed of the grass species Oryza sativa. De Rís provides neither the sustenance, nor the cultural significance of a staple food, 29.4% of which is consumed solely in China. One hopes he fares better at the voting booth, but if the microwave test was anything to go by, someone will need a mop on standby.

Victory De Rice!

5

Election Special, Spring 2018

What's Hot // What's Not In The Eyes Of The Duty Librarians

The Library: the beating heart of all things Trinity. The Piranha went straight to the coolest kids on campus, the duty librarians, to get the low down on the latest and the lamest.

NOT HOT YOUR DIET: It’s election season, which can only mean one thing: you’re getting nutrition for the first time in your college career. With a side of prime-cured BEEF! every day at hustings, and free HAM! being dispensed on alternate hours by the candidates, we recommend trying some of the delicious SAUCE! that’s being ladled out more generously than custard with dessert at the Buttery. For those of you with a more adventurous palate, we have ample selections of SPICE! to pepper your meals. At the end of the day, it all adds up to one sizeable DISH! Pity we’re now all at risk of heart disease because everything was so goddamn SALTY! Consider us SERVED! BUZZWORDS: It’s crucial that engagement with the student body meets the requirements of those who are most vulnerable in the college community and that outreach is maximised to ensure greater productivity and a more safe and inclusive college experience in which approachability and accessibility empowers an active college-wide debate on relevant issues and topical problems surrounding diversity, inclusivity, non-discriminatory safe space proactive conducive nurturing educational multi-denominational non-preferential innovation dedication perspiration inspiration imagination and a Barney bag.

MICHAEL MCDERMOTT: LAUGHING, CRYING, HOPING FOR THE BEST

W

hat’s funnier than running for a position in the Students Union? Running for TWO positions! Right? Please?

Teenage heart-throb Michael McDermott has captivated the hearts and minds of the student body following a charismatic hustings and a charming bout of social media socialising. The Piranha met up with the SU’s new “it-girl” to chat memes, success, and what it means to be challenging the status quo.

So Michael, what kind of pressures do you face as this year’s joke candidate?

Well being a joke candidate isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, it turns out. I’m exhausted, I thought I’d just get to stay sitting at home, observing the college community, raking in the likes, but I’ve had to come out into the light for this and honestly? It’s been very difficult for me.

SHANE DE HISS: A man who has been actively pursuing the position of SU Prez since a drop of Harry Potter’s blood and Wormtail’s right hand birthed him from a large spooky cauldron, he has spent much of the intervening time pretending he hasn’t seen you in the Arts Block. Think his name is pronounced “Reese”, like it those delicious chocolatey pieces? Wrong. It rhymes with “miss”, incidentally something we’d never do if Shane wasn’t around, and is pronounced with a long, sibilant and serpentine “ssssssss”. It’s proof that we really should have taken Robert de Niro’s advice in Meet the Parents and kept Mister Snakey in his cage.

ELEANOR O’MAHONY Election season can often be a stressful time of year, so it’s a relief when Eleanor O’Mahony this year’s “alternative candidate” for UT Editor stands up to speak. A well-known source of comedic value on campus, Eleanor is perhaps best known for interrupting perfectly well-intentioned guest speakers with hilariously irrelevant and uncomfortable questions. A recent favourite of this writer was her interjection at “The Phil Speaks to Sesame Street” to ask the assembled speakers whether they felt they had a part to play in the fight against gun violence at schools. Oh Eleanor! You kill us every time. Her “manifesto” includes such timeless gems as “video content” and “UT retrospectives”!

Oh Eleanor, so quick-witted, but if I may say so, perhaps a tad outlandish, even as a joke! After all, who wants a retrospective on the UT? We’ve already used it to wipe up some exploded yoghurt in our bag once. Still, there’s no doubt that having a joke candidate in the race for UT Editor brings some much-needed moments of levity to the race, so I applaud you Eleanor O’Mahony: you bring a smile to my face every time I hear the words “serious journalism”.

And why did you decide to run now Michael?

Well I thought it was about time man, I’ve sat back for the past four years and seen dozens of bland and uninteresting candidates promise the same bland policies. Microwaves and plugs were bad enough, but all these nebulus goals of inclusion and equality? It was all too much for me. I had to add my own flavour to proceedings. Not too different mind you. Maybe just french vanilla to their madagascan vanilla. You get me?

So you’re saying that the other candidates are ice-cream?

Yeah! That’s just one of the top-quality jokes you’ve come to expect from my campaign.

And if you don’t get it, then you just don’t have a developed sense of humour, and if you’re a woman, I may link that back to some sexist understanding of who is, and isn’t allowed to be funny! How gas is that?

…. Right. How do you feel your campaign has developed over the last few days?

I did begin this campaign as a joke candidate, but over the last few days I’ve really realised that it’s not me who’s the joke. It’s the way this union has been treating people in the past. It needs to change, and I have the passion to change it. Or at least, once I realised that students were apathetic enough to vote for a joke candidate, I’ve developed the passion. I’ve realised that I care deeply about the student population and I really want to help the other disenfranchised students see the light in the same way that I have in the last few days. Or at the very least, getting elected will stroke my ego like nothing else. Making memes will only get you so far, but a salaried position within college, now that’s real validation.

So you’re just doing this for attention?

Of course not! I’m also doing it for the money! And more likes on the Facebook page!

Don’t you think talk like that will alienate most of your voters?

Maybe, but if it does, then I can just go back to being the joke candidate. If it doesn’t, then I win. Everything's coming up Milhouse for your buddy Micky McD. Now if you excuse me, I have a campaign devoid of any integrity or passion for bettering students to run.

The interview cut off, McDermott strode off into the distance to run a campaign he like totally wasn’t trying to win, until he was.

6

Election Special, Spring 2018

Throughout the campaign trail, McLean has frequently been accused of being something of a college ‘hack,’ an image he has struggled to shake, particularly as his opponents have positioned themselves as SU outsiders. Regardless, with this interview, McLean hoped to prove to the Piranha and the college community as a whole that he’s not just another power-hungry member of the seedy underbelly that is Trinity’s community of student societies, a community that is notoriously full of pathetic people constantly clamouring desperately for any last remaining vestiges of campus pseudo-relevance.

McLean nervously adjusted his 2014 Ents committee hoodie, fixed his DU players t-shirt and crossed his skinny little twink legs clad in Trinity Arts Festival jeggings. “Okay hoes,” he said,

PARAIC MCLEAN

UNTUCKED S

itting down with the Piranha for a candid interview this week, Communications and Marketing candidate, and universally reviled Paraic McLean flashed us a quick tight-lipped smile, “Yaaaas mawma, hallelujah,” he said, pronouncing the last word with a hard ‘j, suggesting that he’s seen it written down but has never actually heard it spoken, “I really can’t wait to have this kiki with you guys today and to spill the T; my face is beat for the gods and my taint is SNATCHED currently.

SlaaaaAaaAay!”

Have you Seen this Child?

Where are Aimee Connolly's Parents?

I

t was a cold, January morning, no different to days that had come before, when Alice MacPherson was greeted by a surprise on the doorstep of House Six. Lying there was a small child, swaddled in an Amnesty coat, with a note, asking Alice to raise her as her own. The child was referred to as Aim-Me Connolly, after a game the SU devised where they would attempt to throw the child across the tracks at Connolly station. The hope was that one day the

oblivious to the winces of the (two) female Piranha staff writers, “let’s sissy this walk.”

Q: What can the SU do to engage more with students?

A: Ooh yaas mama I am so glad you asked me that hunty, slaaay. I really think it’s time to say Bye Felicia to the days when the SU wasn’t engaged with students Q: What relevant and unique experience would you bring to the role of Comms & Marketing Officer?

A: Oh honey. I’m a white, gay-as-hell man. How much more unique can you get?

Q: Don’t you think the language you use is highly problematic, and indicative of appropriating black culture?

A: Yaaaaaaaas qween! But as a white cis male, none of that matters. I’ve got

child would become so familiar with the area that she would become head of track changing and the SU would receive free transport for life. But MacPherson had other plans for the child’s future.

social capital to burn. Slaaaaay!

Q: Why do you think there is such a significant lack of female involvement in student politics, and how would you propose the SU tackle such a complicated and nuanced issue that is directly affecting Trinity’s students?

At this question, McLean took a few moments to collect his thoughts.

Pursing his lips tightly in intense concentration, it seemed as though he had just formulated a nuanced response to the sensitive issue. McLean slowly lifted his head and looked around the room with a profound sense of wisdom that seemed to belie his 22 years.

“Those bitches just gotta werk,” he sighed, shaking his head slightly.

“They just gotta werk.”

track.

After failing to find any possible female candidates on campus, Alice began to create a plan, to ensure that Aim-Me would run uncontested for Educational officer this year.

The first step in Alice’s plan was to hunt down any other possible candidates in the Education race, and tear them limb from limb to prevent them from running. She then began to feed little Aim-Me propaganda about the Trinity Education Project, cutting it up and hiding it in her meals, giving her ideas from the inside out. She began to build a college sized human suit for Aim Me, creating a college persona for the toddler. She began to stitch together the limbs of fallen candidates, building a body to put the child sitting into. Her head sits, poking out of the out of proportion body, torso covered with 15 campaign t-shirts to hide the toddler standing beneath it. Soon after Aim Me began to spout her first words, “I have always been interested in Academic issues,” glancing at her mother to ensure she was on the right

In the run up to hustings, Alice began to devise an ingenious method to teach Aim-Me to speak. She began to label common items with sentences AimMe could use to answer any question. When Alice would hold a box of tampons in the air, Aim-Me would respond with “Women are criticized all the time, running as a woman is very difficult.” When Alice holds up a big wad of cash Aim Me would state that she “supports the Trinity Education Programme completely.” Though Alice has been careful with what she taught Aim-Me to say, her fellow members of the SU took it upon themselves to teach Aim-Me a more varied set of statements. A can prompting her to announce that “Women shouldn’t run for political positions as they are biologically an inferior species,” and a “Education should be reserved for the elite, I propose to rid this university of all public school commoners.” They hope that when they raise these new objects Aim-Me will begin to sprout alternative sentences to Alice’s carefully formatted ones, leading to a win for RON and leaving Aim Me free to become head of track changing, as they always hoped for her.

HARTY SWAYS KEY DYSLEXIC VOTING BLOC

This publication is funded partly by DU Trinity Publications Committee.

This Publication claims no special rights or privileges.

All serious complaints may be directed towards chair@trinitypublications.ie or Chair, Trinity Publications, House 6, Trinity College, Dublin 2.

Appeals may be directed to the Press Council of Ireland.

To get involved with Trinity Publications email secretary@trinitypublications.ie or get involved through our social media.

7

Election Special, Spring 2018

VAN DWELLING AND FOUL SMELLING: THE DAVID FLOOD STORY

CARE BEAR

J

ames Cunningham, this years sole candidate for Welfare is arguably the most eligible Bear in the 100 Acre Wo…Trinity Campus. This strapping hairy hunk can be seen plodding affably through the long grasses of the cricket pitch on long sunny days like the barrel of love he truly is.

The Piranha journalists have been working in overdrive to get the inside scoop on all things Cunningham these last few days. And the consensus amongst students hasn’t changed: “A care bear”, “A big Teddy”, “Winnie the Pooh but thankfully with graphically more visible genitalia!” He is a cuddly lil’ animal!

Campaign manager Tigger The Caffeinated Tiger had this to say to vouch for James’s credentials, “De wundurfuyl ting about James’s is James’s a wundurfuyl ting…and when he taps on Grindr it’s never just a FLING! BOUNCY FLOUNCY FUN FUN FUN” She said as she boing’d away into the ED Burke.

That’s right James is a warm smile, a shoulder to cry on, a pat on the back and a fully grown adult male Alaskan Grizzly bear weighing 527lbs.

Taking a moment to protract himself from digging for root plants and burrowing insects James joined us for a cuppa and a wee chat. Standing on his hind legs at a height of over 9.8 feet James, a large coastal male hailing from the Northern Yukon, said he was absolutely “scunnered" with it all after 4.5 months of hibernation!

Sticking his wet, shiny fist in and out of a tight Honey Pot, slurping it up with his forked purple tongue James began to reflect on his journey so far; “Christ it’s pure hard ack, I’m standing up talkin shiyte about condoms and sure I’ve been inside a damp, hot, den covered in my own fecalmatter, since Piglet Grady thought it was a good idea to sniff my poppers before hustings!! Christ enough about me how’s you babe, ya

weyll??” His 7 inch keratin claws grazing lightly on our lower back, tugging lightly at our boxers waistline; “Will you be my Christopher Robin…” he growled.

Despite these advances we thought it was a bit conspicuous that James would mention Piglet considering she hasn’t been seen on campus since the hibernation cycle began last August. When we pressed further about her disappearance a large ridge of matted hairs began to stand on end along James’s nape, his lower jaw unhinged slightly and the room seemed to grow darker, smaller… “If she’d waited… if she’d only waited…If she hadn’t been so …. delicious… she tasted like rotten cherries and stock cubes…” he seemed to mutter as he stroked his furred abdomen. In fact we thought it seemed rather odd that there are no other candidates at all in this years welfare race…

H

ey humans, I’m David Flood and I want to be your new Ents Officer. But hey I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do, man. You do you, ok?

We’re all out here just trying to live our friggin lives. Matt Dundon’s got this, I don’t know, this like, inner beauty.

I love that guy, man. His eyes are like friggin STARS in the NIGHT SKY. Well, maybe black holes devoid of any light, but space is dope, dawg. But anyway, I’d just like to take this opportunity to tell you a bit about myself. So the thing I love most on this good green Earth, besides this good green

To report sightings of Miss Piglet Ní-Ráilthímhain Grady please contact Christopher Robin as he does quite dearly miss her so.

Well, it’s not really MY van because who, like owns ANYTHING really? What’s yours is mine, my dudes. She’s this beauuuuutiful little ‘94 Chevy G-20 name’s is Gladys.

She’s been with me through everything man, every wipeout, every bad acid trip, and everytime I wasn’t living every friggin minute of every friggin DAY. She was the one who convinced me to run for Ents, she came to me in a DREAM and said that I could could be a force for, like, change in the SU. She’s where I got the tagline too, after I opened her back gate in the rain and all my soy flooded. Total bummer!

It’s been so freeing man, I gotta tell you. I just want to fill the SU with

LOVE my dudes. I have so much love to give. Let me give you my love, and a friggin’ crowdsourced T-Ball lineup.

Because like, it’s not my job to choose those kinda things.

Sometime you just gotta let fate decide. The big man upstairs wants us to friggin’ party, and YOU KNOW I’m talking about The Buddah.

It’ll be tough leaving the old girl behind to settle into House 6. But every dog has his day, this cloud has got to roll on home, and like, really expose some of the hottest coffee spots in Dublin. There’s this gorgeous little place of dame street where the barista’s will give you a little pat on the head if you bring a keep cup.

Plastic is like, not righteous, it’s like, wrongteous. You feel me?

MATT DUNDON’S GUIDE TO ‘UNCONVENTIONAL’ EVENT LOCATIONS Sup dudes? Matty D here, Ents Officer candidate, Midnight Disco credit claimer, and all round generic ‘mad lad’. As one of my manifesto points promises more BYOB events in ever more zany locations, here are just a few tasters of the kind of no-holds-barred, vague, and ultimately unfulfilled campaign promises you’re sure to get if you vote for me as your SU Ents officer!

Before we could continue our line of questioning the baying cries of dirty Heffalumps sounded in the distance as the De Rís Woozles began to encircle the pleasant glade in which we’d settled for our picnic. Trotting furiously into the open yonder, a majestic Cunningham returned to the woods a glorious beast, violent yet glorious.

Earth, is my friggin van.

The Vatican Secret Archives ‘Do This In Memory of Me.’ These were some of the final words spoken by Jesus, ‘Sesh Gremlin’ Christ, commanding us all to throw an absolute rager, and drink his blood surrounded by 85km of shelves holding some of the world’s most secret information. Who knows what kind of wonders lie below the home of the supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church? What mysteries will you unveil as you use a priceless manuscript to mop up your own vomit from the feet of a statue of Pope Adrian I? There’s only one way to find out. One thing is for sure however - you’re going to need

more than three Hail Marys to absolve you after this one!

A Remote Cabin in Northern Siberia кто готов трахаться? That’s Russian for ‘who is ready to get FUCKED?’ Here under the northern lights, several hundred kilometers from civilisation, you’ll experience a night of debauchery like no other that will make you say ‘why did I trek for twelve days through the frigid tundra for this?’ and ‘it has been several hours since I last felt anything from the wrist down. I fear frostbite has set in.’ The only thing cooler than the snow will be the fat beats. Твоё здоровье bitches!

16,000 metres under the sea Remember the pressure you felt when you were forced to try your first yoke out in the smoking area of District 8?

Well prepare for that pressure to be kicked up to 1,641 Kg/Cm2 as we take Ents underwater! Experience the crushing darkness, freezing temperatures, and lack of air as you struggle for sur-

The Piranha Want to get involved? Email piranhatcd@gmail.com

vival in a place less hospitable than the surface of the moon!

Gasp desperately in the inky blackness as you experience the thrilling high that only acute oxygen deprivation can provide!

Palace Nightclub Thought you’d seen the last of this place? THINK AGAIN FUCKERS! The sticky floors are back, and this time, the stains won’t come out of your dress. Turn back the clock to a time when you were young, carefree, and didn’t realise how much of a shithole Palace actually is! We’ve assembled the finest selection of regrettable shifts that will remind you of just how problematic some of your sexual encounters were at the start of your college adventure. Truly harrowing stuff!

Election Special, Spring 2018