The Piranha Vol. 41 Issue 1 - Freshers' Week Edition

Freshers' Week Edition

Political

Economic

General

September 2019

Is throwing your KeepCup at a Politician during an Environmental Protest a Net Positive or Negative for the Environment? We Investigate.

- page 2

The Piranha’s Guide to selling all of your vestigial organs to afford your oncampus rent.

- page 3

Quiz - Which Arts Block Printer Am I Most Like In Bed?

001

- page 2025

INSIGHT:

The Piranha Investigates: We enter the Players Committee Room with a Blacklight.

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The Berkeley, The Lecky, The Ussher

NEW STUDENT HOUSING PLAN PROVOST PURCHASES GREENLAND

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2019

IN FOCUS 2

The Piranha's Agony Aunt Q. People keep referring to inanimate objects as she. Is this feminism?

A. As with any question on the topic of feminism, I will leave it to the Woke Boys™ to personsplain you the answer.

Q. Is everyone here gay?

A. Yes. Q. Is he actually attractive or did I just go to a catholic school for too long?

A. Catholic school. p.s. he’s gay.

Q. All the breathers are doing commerce in The Deece. Does this mean we’ll never grab a post gym booj again?

A. A complex question. There will still be Thursday nights on harcourt street, Christmas creamers in shmount. You’ll drink your way through interrailing next summer with all twenty of the BMs reminiscing about your JCT victories and dicey’s conquests. Ultimately, though, six weeks of trains cannot bridge the gap between college green and clonskeagh. Proximity is no substitute for closeness. Fundamentally, you will have changed. Begin the change now, stop with that slang.

Q. I study Law and Political Science and my dad is a supreme court judge. Should I tell people that?

A. Make it your brand. Tell people as soon as you meet them. In every seminar you should begin your contribution with ‘My dad says…’ *bonus tip* make sure to always refer to it as Law and Political Science- no abbreviations.

Q. An older guy in a position of power in a society has been flirting with me. Is this love?

A. No and he probably has a girlfriend.

Q. Do I have to be vegetarian/vegan?

A. Oh yes my dear freshling. You probably experienced plenty of catholic Q. Can I tell people that I did CTYI? guilt back home in i-dont-care-where.

No. We don’t have that here (Prods). In the woke world, we have activist guilt so Q. Q. I’m a fresher and I want to make a get ready to give up meat, dairy, single change to my appearance for starting use plastics and gender specific college. What do you recommend? pronouns.

A. First of all, the basics: Docs, septum piercing, kanken: Perfectly Q. Who is Susi? suited to sitting on an ugly orange Arts A. If you don’t already know, why do Block seat, eating your Chopped salad you care? and dairy-free latte. If you’re worried about being judged for promoting Q. All of my new friends say ‘we’ll do veganism while wearing €150 shoes lunch’ but I haven’t seen them since? made from the flesh of dead cows, A. In college, ‘we’ll do lunch’ actually don’t be. Most people haven’t copped means goodbye. onto the irony yet.

Q. I’m getting lots of attention from older Whatever you do, stay away from your boys. Is this normal? tommy Hilfiger jumper straight black A. Yes. before engaging with it, make jean pairing - it screams south Dublin sure to check with girls in their year All-Boys Private School. Unfortunately to ensure that they haven’t merely it’s a little hard to hide when all of exhausted their resources there and your stories start with “When I was are moving on. ‘Just because he’s older Interrailing …” and you’re a little too doesnt mean he’s more attractive’, proud about the H1 you got in Classics. repeat this mantra three times daily so that you don’t forget.

The Piranha Guide to Trinity Societies TAF: You were the fun people on some serious societies and when the work got tough you got gone.

The Phil: You peaked 4 years ago but you still wear crop tops to parties “cause even after all these years it still fits!”

The Hist: This is their big year and they will NOT f*ck it up, no sir, not possible NOPEY NOPE! LawSoc: The South Dublin Lovely Ladies Luncheon is always looking for pert bums on embroidered seats.

Vis Arts: You’d be in NCAD if you didn’t have overbearing parents who told you

to “do a real degree”.

Players: Gay men and pretty girls who dress fat.

Ents: You’ve been the cRaZy DRunK one at parties since T.Y cause it helps the social anxiety.

Rowing: “I mean I get your point but I would like to say that not ALL men…”

DUBES: You’ll be using that Debs pic as your profiler until 2024. Then a Linkdln headshot. Then you pass from a brief struggle with heart disease.

Young Fine Gael: He Alone Who Owns The Youth, Gains The Future.

TES: “Hey man can I get that 20c back that I lent you for the bus last week :)?”

Future. Fucking. Landlords.

Q-Soc: [redacted by the editorial board of The Piranha].

DUPA: Beauty = Poor bone structure, but in black and white.

DUGES: With the right pair of heels and red lipstick, you’re unstoppable.

Knights of the Campanile: It’s not gay if you say no homo. And you fucking love butter.

Freshers' Week Edition, Spring 2019 3

This Day in Histor y

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

1962

Surf Soc committee write personal hygiene out of the society’s constitution.

1934

Trinity Young Fine Gael wear Hindu symbol for peace on their arms for the first time.

2019

Sharp Increase of BDSM Enthusiasts sign-up for Boat Club.

2021

Regents House renamed as 'Re House' in another concrete expression of the university’s commitment to gender equality.

"WHO the fuck is scraeming "FISH TUBES!!" at my house. Show yourself, coward."

- Provost Patrick Prendergast

“Just tell your parents to earn more money” - Mary MItchell O’Connor

“Man, for real, life's just about living in the moment. The world's a book and social media is just a page. I feel cleansed.”

- Man's phone dies on the Saturday of EP.

2097

TMT cut back on singleuse plastics by abandoning personalities.

“A SUSI grant? In this economy?"

- The Department of Education

“Nooo don’t be homeless your so sexy aha” “What the F$&K did you say?!”

- Eoghan Murphy.

- Hidden microphone hears raging argument among SU after Muireann Kane suggests its ‘sometimes’ ok to buy clothes new’.

*cough* - Donal MacNamee, hiding under your bed.

NOTES FROM THE THRONE Welcome back to all returning students and to those of you joining us and reading this paper for the first time, let’s get down to business. Welcome to college: gender isn’t real, everyone hates their course and the youth wing of the party your parents vote for probably take part in far right political conferences in America. Congratulations, you’ve just entered the game- ready player one.

If this is your first time playing, there’s a few things you should know. One, unless you’re a tourist or your name is Aramark, Trinity doesn’t care about you. Two, those fancy buildings in Front Square? They’re basically for show. Have fun being cramped into a seminar room with no natural lighting and the smell of dying dreams. Three, no need to be nice to anyone anymore - you’re either with us or against us. Haven’t figured that out by now? Well you’d better keep up, buttercup. Times are a-changing, and either you run with the wolves or you fight tooth-and-nail against them. Because if you think you can middle-ground, sociallyliberal-but-fiscally-conservative your way out of this one you’ve got a storm coming for you, bub. It’s 2019 - everything and everyone is polarised. You’re either a triggered libtard or a Trump-loving govcuck; there’s no in-between. Pick a side, grab your pitchforks and don’t stop jabbing until you hit bone. Alternatively, you can join us in the intellectually barren No man’s land that is ironic detachment, lobbing grenades at anyone who tries too hard to care about things.

Back from our respective years abroad in Germany, we’re very excited by what will hopefully be our last freshers week in

college. Oh, how we’ve missed the dismal puns that qualify as event names, the lukewarm fast food offered as an incentive to sign up for the astrological society, both debating societies competing in a race to the bottom for who can out-racist the other and of course, the unsubtle eyeing up of every member of the sex that you are attracted to during the day, so that by the time the night rolls around you’ve laid the foundations for either a swift and painful rejection, or a mediocre one night stand followed by a long, drawn out rejection.

We have adopted the attitude that since the fiery demise of the world is imminent we may as well say whatever we want and accept the consequences, which may or may not involve the Press Ombudsman.

After all, we’ve got three strikes to go before we’re legally obligated to refrain from writing! So watch out, because if you slip up at all, expect to be targeted through a furious tirade of toothless, witless satire, by a publication that people stopped caring about and reading years ago, from which you might never recover.

The time has now come for us to sit in the front square apartment that we got due to being friends with a scholar and contemplate our bleak futures. Due to a deadly cocktail of lack of motivation and complete disinterest in our course of study, our best hope can only being networking at various terrible society events and befriending people with parents in high places. Here’s to another year in the trenches.

Maeve and Jack

Editors:

The Piranha

Maeve Claffey Jack Counihan

Senior writers: Shane Kenneally James Johnston Ellen Higgins Conor Lamb Conor Nevin

Contributors: Niall Prior Katie O'Brien James Watson Milan Hartney Robert Tolan Jane M. Hayes-Nally James Cronin Niall Maher Mary O'Harte Raphi Patterson Hugh Whelan

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead,

jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2019

How to Talk to Members of the Opposite Gender when you went to a Catholic School For every pious Catholic schoolchild, university presents itself as both an opportunity and a challenge.

It’s normal for males and females to go to the same lectures, eat food together, and even live together (although obviously, not in Halls). To help you conquer your crippling fear of talking to people not immediately like you, the Piranha has put together a suggestions list for questions to ask in conversations. Don’t let yourself get left behind by the licentious folk who went to Educate Together schools.

With the aid of this list, you’ll rating every social interaction you have as ‘10/10’ in the scorecard you keep in your wallet.

“So, what subjects did you do in the Leaving Cert”- The beauty of this question is in its universal audience and the length of time it takes to answer it. By the time your potential friend has listed all their subjects and you’ve (unprompted) listed yours, a whole two minutes of the conversation has probably gone by. One or two more questions like that and you’re officially friends!

“Where are you from?” – An important metric to use when categorising people at the beginning of first-year.

It's never too early to start strategizing about which rich friend with a photogenic house should have Trinity Ball prinks. If you feel there’s any

ambiguity, be sure to press people on this. The ever-tactful “But where are you really from?” will come in handy here. Remember, people love it when you take an interest!

Desperation ramps up for former BNOCs in quest for lasting relevance

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“Oh, you went to (insert school)! Do you know (insert name of person in your year) ???” There’s no better bonding moment than that brief instance of surprise when two people with overlapping friend groups both know the same person. This question has the added appeal of alienating everyone else in the conversation who didn’t go to your school, thus creating some of the exclusivity that is key having an enviable college social circle.

Opinion

An open D letter to Dawson Street

earest, Street,

deecest,

Dawson

You are the Fiji water of Dublin boulevards, your glass towers of the Ivy and warm hue of Carluccios coffee warms my soul with that hug of superiority that really aided me actually when my last girl left me for this guy with a top knot and like I suppose it was for the best but anyway she's a bitch and her mom took away my buttplug but Dawson street, you truly are quite marvellous.

The employees at Beehive know me by name and I have numerous vouchers to Pablo Picante, where I'm greeted by smiles and hugs and freebies and like see my friends seem weirdly distant lately I'm starting to think they hate my guts but Dawson Street you really do mean everything to me.

I'll probably have a big cosy office on you someday and take lunch breaks into the tailors to polish myself, buy new expensive suits and polish my shoes and like it's just Lemon leaving at the same time as my parents getting divorced was just not what I needed at that time I fucking needed those pancakes man but it's fine it’s fine.

Dawson street - You’re constantly evolving, a beacon of progression and positivity, a fitting ecosystem in which we all ourselves evolve and grow as one in these formative years and I swear to god if Hodges Figgis goes I'll fucking off myself on the luas tracks but yeah here's to another year on Dawson street.

Trinity Hall residents come to realisation that JCR are actually sad losers They created a sphere in which they themselves were the Gods- a polytheistic charade, playing out their own grandiose delusions at the top of a laity which they could control through newly established Facebook groups. A cult- with new residents their hesitant and not completely coherent followers . It was everything they ever wantedthey based their fictitious personalities on their favourite Riverdale characters, changed their accents, and practiced giving elaborate, mistimed, bad smelling hugs to first years. They knew this docility would end, it does every year. But maybe not this soon.

When the “cool” freshers from Cork, Limerick, Galway, and other municipalities saw that the JCR signed off their posts with “Yurt.”

suspicions were raised, (Darragh Clarke for Comms!!!) but it wasn’t until the dredges of Halls saw that literally nobody outside of Rathmines knew who the JCR president (“Yeah she’s in BESS so she’s effectively just one of thousands.”) was that all faith was lost.

This is record time- usually skepticism doesn’t creep into the minds of adherents until you try to ask a JCR officer what grade they received on their last essay or if they have an internship lined up before third year.

This doesn’t happen till the JCR themselves start becoming weary of the terrible double life they’ve created for themselves, when all the insipid gratification of their lies has been spent - usually not till mid-Marchbut this year they’ve been exposed unusually early.

Preceding JCRs are said to be extremely disappointed with the news, mentioning that the incumbents had “irrevocably tarnished the good name of the JCR across the British Isles” placing the blame on “a complete lack of preparation” faulting officers who “radiate insecurity” with an “overarching social ineptness which no amount of chimerical aspiration could elude.”

Freshers' Week Edition, Spring 2019

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What's Hot // What's Not Piping hot takes from the stone busts in the Long Library The Library is full of secrets. News spreads through its narrow corridors, carried by the faintest of whispers, delivered by faceless, genderless beings with subversive motives. Amid the secrecy lie the stone busts of the library, immortalising famous college figures who now have nothing better to do than to comment on college's latest and lamest.

NOT

HOT Cocaine:

Hot Girl Summer:

Shutting Up and Getting What You’re Given at The Perch:

DJs:

The boom is back, the cranes are up, my nose is numb and “I’ve no money at the moment but can I get that € 40 back to you at Charity Ball?”. Blow, Snow, Powder, Mischa Barton, Iced Latte, Bump - Whatever you wanna call it, Cocaine is RAMPANT. If there isn’t a constant drip of illicit guatemalan gunpowder sliding down the back of your throat while you stand in the loos at Izakaya and think about how “this is what Saturday nights were made for!” then I think m’dear you’re still stuck in the austerity days of Snapchat yokes and Ket off a shellac. Coke is back in vogue and there is nothing the department of health can do to stop me sitting in my room alone at 6 in the morning, keeping the buzz going while I replay one of Tove Lo’s sad bangers and tell myself I feel great. As with all trends we are due a backlash. Just like millennial pink and bum bags that accentuate the “Sabbat Stone” there will come a time when Self Rising Brain Flour slides deeply into the “Not” section of the Trinity zeitgeist. Yet if that means ending the wholesale exploitation of the impoverished classes of the Southern American continent, breaking a black market built on coca leaves, tears and murder then is that not a small price to pay? If your answer is “yah man but session depression has me on the lowww from E.P right up until Wind Wave Rave and that’s just the worst craic since I learned dogs experience anxiety”, then fear not, you passed the test, see you in the portaloos at T.Ball.

The Perch is the beating heart of the Arts Block. Its grimy black tiles and pastries-that-have-been-left-out-for-a-questionable-amount-of-time have welcomed hundreds of disgruntled students over the last two years.

“Whether it's between lectures, for study breaks or just for an easy lunch, The Perch Cafe is a stress free option for a caffeine kick or a quick bite to eat. “ Some sick joke, probably Don’t want to walk all the way to Coffee Angel to get a semi-decent €3.50 Cappuccino? Just saunter on over to the Perch to get something a little bit more unique. In other cafés you’ll get it served piping hot, maybe in your KeepCup with a little biscuit on the side - Not in The Perch. In The Perch, you’ll hand over your € 4.75 and be grateful for whatever the cashier hands you back, whether it’s what you ordered or not. Whatever you get, be sure to be overly grateful to whoever hands it to you, so as to avoid going on the’ Perch Wall of Shame’, which is CCTV stills of people who weren’t polite enough when they received their lukewarm beverage. You don’t want to end up there; that sh*t will follow you for the rest of your time in Trinity. Any criticism you have will fall on deaf ears, no matter how well-meaning. The cashier worked damn hard walking back three paces, pushing the button and staring into the void until your lukewarm drink of choice has filtered into the non-disposable cup.

It’s all hot girl summers and venga boy verano’s until anxiety autumn just comes swinging on in like a bunch of group chats you’re “gonna check later” and broken skin on the side of your thumb “that god yeah I’m always picking at”!

College is like one prolonged fizzy feeling at the bottom of your tummy, very low down, that’s constantly edging you in the direction of severe discomfort. A similar sensation to when you watched Aladdin with your parents as a child and felt all “funny” when the much older Jafar drugged Jasmine and made her passive thrall to obey his every whim, and you look back now and wonder if that’s where the submissive tendencies stem from??? Oh would you look at me getting side tracked. Back to the point - the literal face of the earth is burning, all the jubilant animals from Rio are dead, even the humanoid characters, yes Linda - Blu’s owner - died when illegal loggers broke into her research lab and cut her gut to chin.

Essentially the moral of my dictum is that after the hottest summer on record, with ecological breakdown and climate disaster finally becoming actualised daily fixtures in the lives of democratically enfranchised caucasian westerners the only logical reaction is to succumb to grief, dread and terror as we enter a psychological state of coping with catastrophic climate anxiety known as “Deep Adaption” - Hot Girl Summer is no more, now begins the winter of our discontent.

Trinity does it to all of us; we’re all suddenly thrust into an environment where following the crowd and being a culchie will lead to your immediate Trinity Arts Block crucifixion. However, a growing trend amongst Trinity students in recent years is the trend of becoming a DJ! Yes, a DJ, a poor man’s musician, we take a look at the five warning signs that your friend is becoming a DJ: 1. Name change: Your friend may suddenly address themselves as their chosen stage name, which generally involves dropping syllables and replacing them with an ‘O’ and adding ‘DJ’ as prefix. So, gone is the sweet Siobhán of yore, replaced by DJ Sibho. This rule is made to be broken, however, with many simply adopting any pseudonym to create mystery, intrigue, and a façade of talent.

2. Increase of drug intake: Everyone is aware of the fact that one cannot enjoy techno without some sort of substance to create a melody – if your friend has suddenly gained unusual contacts in their phonebook and a new key necklace, you may need to take a closer look at the remaining signs.

3.

Change of appearance: Longer hair, septum piercings, anything to signify independence and uniqueness. Unique, just like all other DJs. 4.

Insufferable to be around: Like yes you want to support your friend but God sometimes can they shut the fuck up?

5. Despises just simply playing a banger for once: If upon asking the DJ-to-be to play just one absolute bop or banger without mixing it with an off-beat snare, and your friend attempts to scratch your eyes out and slice your throat, this is the final nail hammered into the coffin of your old friend’s sweet but slightly boring self.

TN’s Confidential Submissions take a wild, and somewhat desperate, turn.

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Freshers' Week Edition, September 2019

The hottest guide to walking, talking like the social class below you W

e all know that in Trinity, it’s ok to look poor even if it’s really not ok to actually be poor. In order to score points with your new buddies who you smoke outside the Arts Block with, simply do the following.

Step 1 – Change the soundtrack to your life. Say goodbye to Ed Sheeran, The Script, and Picture This, because if it’s not techno or some awful, awful Wigwam resident DJ, it’s not hot.

This step is easy. Next time you’re hosting prinks at your three-storey Victorian home in Rathmines, simply play Kojaque’s ‘Deli Daydreams’ on repeat. This is a concept album following the life of a broke, drugaddicted retail worker. Make sure to announce to Hugo, Aoibhínn, Sneachta and everyone else from JF Law and Business who you boarded with in Clongowes anyway “Yeah man, this is pretty relatable. I fucking hated

my internship at KPMG.” Step 2 – Switch up that slang, but don’t go crazy. If your go-to catchphrases are ‘utter Rob Kearnage’ or ‘absolute Café en Scenes’, it’s time to stop.

Cast aside your sticks of Heinomite and your fleecers (deece flat white for those ignorant) and listen up.

This step is a tricky one. The key is to pronounce phrases such as “y’alright bud any ket on tic haha” as if you were a Southside yummy mummy at Sunday brunch in Dalkey. But don’t even think about adding more than a pinch of Northside to the accent, because all you’ll get is filthies from the boys in the queue to Diceys.

Step 3 – Dress for… failure. Have you ever seen a skip full of rubbish and thought to yourself “that’d look good on me”? Well, you’re in luck. Brands such as Fila have captured the hearts of Trinity students by slapping €100 price tags on that trash, so kick your plimsolls aside and slip into the latest platformed Disruptor shoes or vintage Adidas sesh jackets. There’s nothing to it, just think of an outfit you’d wear to a job interview, and now put on the exact opposite. You may end up looking like a toddler wearing their dad’s work boots and a bin bag over their head, but at least now you can post a photo on Instagram captioned ‘stomping on toxic masculinity!’

Assimilation Advice from a fellow SoCoDu So here you are, in Trinity. who would have thought that complaining to the guidance counselor 3 weeks before the LPercheaving that sometimes the morning after you go to spoons with the gals for a few pitchies, you find it really really really hard to wake up and get to your 9am Spanish grinds at the Institute and so you’ve only made it to three of the thirty classes daddy’s paying for would have resulted in you ending up here.

Pure buzzing when the school suggested you take that dyslexic test and advised you how to ‘pass’ so that DARE would save the day in a last step effort to live up to your older sibling’s legacy with their Law degree from Oxford.

where you’ll have to spend 90% of your mental energy just trying to decipher what Liam from Cloontyprocklis and Saoirse from Sneem are trying to say. Yes hun, be prepared for those chakras to be disaligned and book in with counselling service for a weekly slot now as this torture NEVER ends - be prepared to be s h o o k as you come to learn that this is the way the majority speak! So here’s some advice, from one gal to another on how to cope with this influx of culchies and their parasitic ways.

1. Ditch the accent. Seriously, if you want to assimilate it’s got to go. I find the easiest way to do this is through substitution – swap ‘hun’ for ‘gal’; ‘fair’ for You thought that was the hard ‘grand’; ‘loose’ for ‘classss’ and part though? Wait until your ‘deece’ for ‘daycent’. induction week coffee morning

2. Get back on the dairy. Yes the amazon is burning down and your triple shot oat milk mocha has a much less carbon footprint than you standard country bumpkin’s whole milk latte; but we’re all doomed anyway so might as well get back on that sweet holstein buzz

5. Take a break from the beds. Who would have guessed that’d it’d be these culchies and their pasty skin that would be the inspiration to end this unhealthy relationship with the cancer inducing coffins.

6. Did someone say wardrobe makeover?! Time to swap that annual PLT next day delivery subscripsh for a monthly trip to Heatons and Guineys with that one4all vouchie that auntie Mary left in your crumbiest stocking

3. Lose the extenos! As soon as feasibly possible hop straight on that dart to Blackrock and tell your hair stylist at Brown Sugar you need a chin length blunt bob with terf bangs stat. You’ll thank 7. Ignore all of the above! You’re a SoCoDu you run this gaff! Let me later. the haters hate, you’ll be the 4. Say goodbye to your recovery one laughing when they’re all brunches at Brother Hubbard struggling to find a box to rent South and hello to Supermac’s and you’re just a hop, skip and dorsh away from your Killiney taco fries with your new peers.

Give up on the dream to be the mansion. next Molly-Mae, you’ve got to be more of a Maura now hun.

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Freshers' Week Edition, Spring 2019

"aww, what? this sucks man": Your Guide To Politics In College In recent weeks, the arguments I construct in my head when I'm alone say that 7 years graduated from an Ancient Russian and Bird Studies TSM might lead one to think that my tremoring fingers are off the pulse of Trinity life. Yet there’s much to be written in your ninth ‘Welcome to College’, thinly veiled, satirical thinkpiece. Typically, readers of our humble publication could expect such raucous truth-speaking as “Leveraging your approval of the all female SU to the absolute Juggosaurus Rex in the smoking area.” and “Why the feminisation of the Western Male/ White genocide is real, good & cool.” however this ’yeet’ around the block feels a little bit different. The overton window has expanded and thanks to a recent update to the 1994 Public Order Act it's illegal not to yell loudly at people in Fianna Fail during Pride month.

Times are a’changing, and we must change with them. And, since the back of my shirt at Podger's stag said 'ear-to-the-ground cultural analyst', I feel a responsibility to use the platform I cling to as a force for good.

Minister for Education J.J O'Kelly. Grassroots activism drove the success of the marriage & abortion referenda, and one can keep their fingers crossed that students might one day fight to see men fairly represented in family court. Students ought to be confident in their ability to shape modern Ireland. All of this however, and I can’t make this clear enough, is absolutely meaningless if we all choke on CO2 before the chubby toothless kid from Stranger Things even has a chance to get hot.

A spectre is haunting Generation Z, the spectre of the ceaselessly encroaching & well studied ecological disaster that the last 4 generations also learned of in primary school but never did anything about.

2030 is the hard as nails OPTIMISTIC deadline for irreversible climate catastrophe, and there's a palpable collective hunch that it will actually be much sooner. The ultimate genocide of vibes (and much of the third world).

A mere decade before this government’s beguiling 2040 plan by which time we'll have deeply adapted to cannibalism.

College is the first time for many to engage in politics, the Trinity Students’ Union has a rich political history dating back to the 1921 Dublin shellfish festival riots when President Fintán Gimp upended a basket of cockles on

Poetry Corner Smoking Ban Terribly lonely.

Rollies were my oxygen.

Skins, my friend requests.

Our TCD SU Comms Officer gets to grips with her new role.

It doesn’t matter who you are or what politics you have because for the next 10 years there is only 1 politic. And it’s not whether Versatile are racist, classist, imperialist, chauvinist, low-growth, private school grifters who make music for virgins or expressive artists & positive male role models for virgins. It's not whether the economic benefit of Google paying 7000 employees pretty nice cash is worth being the world's largest tax haven.

It's not what the kids are vaping. It's the apocalypse one.

Now, reading this article may be a mass murder of vibes itself but, in the cold shadow

of societal collapse, it's important to look after your mental health. Consider minmaxing brain chemicals with anti-inflammatory supplements, short burst cardio, homemade ketamine tinctures and taking time to let the death of a fossil fuel billionaire wash over you like a ray of sunshine on a morning breeze.

rather than helping the most people to live good. We're happy to let executive pay grow 1000% over 40 years. It's no wonder we lie down, show belly to our lizard overlords, and accept the extinction event our naughty lil' cock and balls deserve. Who'd want to live in a world without € 28 flights anyway?

Therapists often ask glum, rudderless, private school boys who refuse to exercise, meditate or eat a vegetable the hypothetical question “What if you only had 10 years to live?” in an attempt to inspire some kind of self-directed modus operandi. Well, now that handy thought experiment has become a reality for everyone worldwide, and shockingly the real answer isn't "delete Facebook and try to be happy in the moment"

Yet, as comforting as the sweet release of death would be, it doesn't have to be like this. The system might be grotesque and total but it runs on labour, and nothing short of a general strike (like the one September 20-27th) could possibly make the people in charge act against their own self-interest.

Donate a sick day, tell your parents it'll be your Christmas present if they strike too, eat a politician.

The prevailing response among politicians & business leaders, of sociopathic apathy and to 'get while the getting's good', leaves many super smart TrinWins, with their sheltered childhoods, reading nerd books to have spelled out what people in working class communities learned at age nine: modern life absolutely blows & late, finance capitalism will eat everything and then shit in your mouth.

Ireland has been the worst out of all the EU countries, which are each failing, at sticking to woefully insufficient Paris Agreement. We need to demand radical policy changes to limit consumption and reform production, because there's fuck all way the worst people you know will give up beef burgers, cheap holidays and fresh clobber before everyone else has to - truly, it's all they have. Or maybe just put your head down, study hard and die in your early 30's like all your peers but with a Louis Vuitton coke spoon and a car worthy of a bebo profile photo. Either/or is fine. Honestly.

That is, if you're born on the wrong side of it and if enough people let it. Which we all are now. We're happy to let the chilrin make our clothes and mine coltan for our electronics, we're fine with a social structure that prioritises compounding private wealth

Hidden in UNIQUE sight Nonchalance. Rollies.

Chilling by the AB. PLEASE SOMEONE NOTICE ME.

Tame Imbeciles The less you know the More likely you are to do BESS. Ha that’s p loose.

A Leading Lady’s Lament Audition went well.

He kissed a boy yesterday.

I didn’t get the part.

Leading Lady’s Lament pt. 2 Come and play like I’ll Play with your heart. Forget me.

I just love myself.

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2019

Meet the TCD Students Union!

Remember these faces! These are the people in charge of making your experience in Trinity as good as it possibly can be. Will they? Probably not. But they'll certainly post about it on Facebook sometimes and collect a tidy salary and a Front Square apartment (unless it's not an en suite!) for their troubles.

Lana Obtuser

Chancy Imam

Galilee's Inn

Manacled(g)nome

Inane Unmaker

Joint? Binds hour

Spotted: Young Fine Gael head to the States for far-right conference The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com