Freshers’ Edition September 2021
001
The
SOCIAL
ANTI-SOCIAL
TRAVEL
DU Snowsports renamed The Phil to be renamed From Sandymount to BagSoc in effort to call a Echo-Chamber Soc in Santorini: The lads spade a spade
similar overhaul take Greece pg (087)9008 pg TRAB pg 9.75
INSIGHT
TN2 contributor speaks out: ‘I mistook the magazine for my personal diary. I apologise to all affected’.
Piranha
ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROMTHE MURKY DEPTHS OFTRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN
Gaslight. Gatekeep. Girlboss.
Greg
Introducing Linda Doyle: Provost, Hater, Potion-Maker New Provost Linda Doyle but nobody knows who she has not burst onto the Trinity is, where she came from, or scene with the same charm how to get rid of her. and swagger as her predecessor (Daddy Paddy <3). She has failed to shiver the timbers of any of The Piranha writing staff and therefore it is our editorial position that Linda D is #NotOurProvost. While Paddy P dominated the hearts and minds of every student who has ever felt the cobblestones of Front Square ‘neath their Docs, Linda D is mentioned less than how many glasses of wine Mummy had with dinner. Like a mysterious malodour drifting across the Ed Burke, Linda Doyle is present In an attempt to show that
she can be just as insufferable as anyone from the Rebel County, Professor Doyle described herself as “from Ireland by birth and from Cork by the grace of God”. Hopefully, her rebel blood will allow her to see why the unwashed writers of The Piranha will never stand for her boredom-soaked Reign of Tedium.
be supplying some of her Magic Herb to her students. Doyle denied the allegations in her classic Cork brogue, “Shure whyyy wud I be sellin’ dat good shtuff wen I cud be getting bollickshed off it meself?”. Perhaps if Linda D could provide some Magic Beans for rolling to Picture This at T Ball 2022, our revolution could be postponed.
You may recognise Linda “Herbie” Doyle from her first position as Head of Herbology at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (pictured here). However, this tenure was cut short after Professor Doyle was found to
So show us what you’re made of Herbie Doyle. If you can make us forget about the boyish charisma of Paddy Prendergast, we’re all yours. If not, VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION!
How To Make In-Person Eye Contact Icarus Sneak Peek: Losers Rejoice! Step 1. Look directly in the eyes of the other person when The Piranha has gained exclusive access to the contents of you begin talking. Icarus’ upcoming issue. Here are a few highlights to whet the whistles of all you soft bois and girls who have yet to Step 2. Shift your focus between their left and right eye discover how insufferable your love of poetry is: as you become increasingly concerned that attempting to look at both eyes simultaneously will render you cross- 1. “OVERSHARE” by Socieyed. ety-Hack, Aggrieved Step 3. After a couple of seconds break the eye-contact 2. “Ohsome Nice/flowers” (alall together by turning your head completely away from legory for a terrible event) by them. Nyghtmair YoungOne Step 4. While your head is turned, look as though you are 3. “Oh, some nice flowers searching for the right words to finish your sentence. (actually nice flowers)” by Step 5. Admit to yourself that the only reason you actu- érasmüs študènt ally broke the eye-contact was because you became too self-conscious about the fact you were staring into their 4. “Intellectual Rendering of eyes. Trauma” by Fifth-Year Hag Step 6. Lock their gaze once again.
5. “F*ck Academic Registry and my F*ther” by Token Straightman
Step 7. Become so self-conscious about this eye-contact routine that you exit your animate body and drift miles 6. “I’m not gonna write you a race poem” by Diversity Pubaway from the words which are dribbling out of your lish mouth.
This Day in History 1200 BC
High Priestess Doyle begins manifestation to ensure Linda’s election.
1986
The last recorded time someone gave a shit about The Hist.
1999
The last time Ivanna Bacik was progressive
2072
SurfSoc achieves herd immunity from all diseases
3000
Ohlmeyer voodoo doll found in ruins of 1 Grafton Street
“
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
”
“Susi Grant? Yeah, think I pulled her in Ios, chief” -Some fucking lad
“Like a boat beating on against the current, borne back ceaselessly by the powers that be” -Greg Arrowsmith on what its like to be the only male sabbatical officer “Is Daddy ever coming home?” -SS students lament the departure of Patrick Prendergast (RIP) “Next thing I knew, he was buying his avocados in Fallon & Byrne draped in a pride flag” -Naive BESS student can’t belive she missed the signs that her boyfriend was a raging gay
“Pfizer? I hardly know her hahahapleasegooutwithme” -Same lad ffs
“‘Perch’ means shit in Irish” -Some Twitter jOkeSTer
“Who?” -Students give their first impression of Linda Doyle
“‘JK Rowling? Love her. An icon. Love everything about her” -Former TN writer begging the Irish Times for a graduate contract
Notes From The Throne And so we emerge, reborn from the festering depths of childhood bedrooms to find our feet in this new normal. Another academic year like no other appears on the horizon and we tentatively take our first steps on the hallowed cobblestones of Trinity College Dublin. Whether in the winter of our college lives or slippery as newborn lambs, aren’t we all freshers this year? All changed, changed utterly, it seems as a female provost ascends the throne and Hist orgies are no longer permitted under public health guidelines. For a second year, wide eyed eighteen year olds will not endure the grooming rituals of the freshers fair, the teenage sexual panic of Ents nights, and the fear and loathing radiating from The Buttery on a Friday morning.
metaphor-mixing phoenixes this esteemed institution promises to produce. Embark on this journey with us, hold our withered, weakening hand as we begin our march into the good night. Turning with us in this widening gyre, you’ll find that the centre, in fact, does hold. The cobbles remain firm under our feet, Greg Arrowsmith is still 4 foot 7, and, the Perch woman will always call you fat for buying five club milks at once. Our fine citadel has been visited by the four horsemen of the apocalypse over the centuries and has remained steadfast in its preservation of tradition, opening its gates only to financial benefitwomen, the business school, Team GB post-Brexit. In the face of unimaginable challenges, Trinity has held firm, and we with it. Join us now for the laughs, the tears, the heaving dry sobs of that unnamed feeling, the epic highs and lows of life in Ireland’s top ranked University (Partially via zoom at least for Michaelmas Term).
Be not afraid in these unprecedented times, The Piranha is here to guide you. As jaded members of the only year currently in college to attend a T-Ball, we editors have struggled against the tide of optimism to rise from the ash- Ellen and Hugh x es as the cynical, attention-seeking,
The Piranha Editors: Ellen Higgins Hugh O’Leary Contributors: Claire Brennan Max Wilson Curtis Winkleman
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilari-
ous. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Essential Identification Guide For The Trinity Fresher The Arts Block Groupie This rather subdued mammal is typically found nesting in the wooden benches which are planted at the arts block entrance. Coming in a variety of different types, one can easily spot the art’s block groupie from their unique sense of fashion. Imagine Willy Wonka if he smoked a ton of weed and had worse fashion sense. The following items will help you in identifying this breed: Dungarees, any type of leather, earth tone shirts, long-greasy hair, dyed or shaved hair, a top hat, paintstained overalls, a bag they crocheted themselves, a friend they crocheted themselves. American Erasmus Student This breed is particularly hard to identify as they look a lot like you or me. However, do not be fooled by their apparent rarity. They are everywhere. The trick with this animal is to look out for the only students who are wearing Trinity merchandise and a stern expression which says “where did the sun go?” Of course, the dead give away with this animal is the crisp,
condescending accent. If you are truly struggling to identify this breed you can simply get them to start talking. However, it is important to note that resorting to this tactic can be fraught with danger. If you must get them to start speaking, be prepared to endure a long, one-sided conversation about something overtly important to society but which is also something you don’t really want to get into on a Tuesday morning.
er female population than male. The hair is a major identifier when it comes to determining the breed of this creature. Keep an eye out for hair which has been consecutively dyed to within an inch of its life, so much so that it is slowly falling out every time a gust of wind picks up. Non-Smoker Yet to be discovered in this habitat.
Mature Student. Nerd What scientists refer to as: ‘old as School bag and an appetite for knowl- fuck.’ Keep your distance from this anedge. This animal usually gets its mon- imal but do not act hostile towards it. ey’s worth when attending college; It deserves care and kindness — but no so much that it actually begins to pathetic. Completely legal to hunt. think that you are friends. Stoner Similar to the arts block groupie in Seagull many ways, this animal has one key This animal is easy to spot as it is the defining feature: they hail from the only creature within this habitat which United Kingdom. Will typically answer has the ability of flight. Steals burritos to names such as Lexi, Hector, Jemi- from foolish men and women who dema, Rolf. cide to eat their food outside. Literally is a seagull. Someone In a Quarter Life Crisis This species appears to harbour a larg-
Meet the TCDSU! Name: Leah Keogh Role: President Fun Fact: Leah was born in 1774 and began attending Trinity the very same year! She plans to graduate when heat death of the universe destroys the very building blocks of our reality!
Name: Aoife Cronin Role: Comms Officer Fun Fact: Aoife can speak 7 languages, all of which she invented!
Name: Bev Genockey Role: Education Officer Fun Fact: Bev’s name is Italian for “Beyoncé’s Lizard Wizard” which is also the career she is hoping to pursue after college!
Name: Greg Arrowsmith Role: Ents Officer Fun Fact: Greg had never talked to a woman prior to his election as Ents Officer! And he still hasn’t!
Name: Sierra Mueller-Owens Role: Welfare Officer Fun Fact: Sierra is the great aunt of German football legend Gerd Mueller AND brother of Welsh rugby hero Ken “The Sherriff ” Owens!
Name: Emer Moreau Role: University Times Editor Fun Fact: In preparation for her new role this year, Emer carried out a cyberattack against the HSE this summer!
5 Conversation Starters for Freshers’ First In-Person Lectures 1. “Me oh my, these striking maidens are even more delectable in person” This line would set the snow on fire. The only way to introduce yourself as a supreme gentleman is by reminding your lecture neighbours that you have unshakeable respect and desire for the comely maidens in the room. Every man wants to be you and every woman gives you a fake Instagram name. 2. “Christ, I must be an optimist because the HSE keeps telling me that I’m positive” Everyone loves a bad boy. Public health regulations were made to be broken. Let all your prospective friends and lovers know that there’s a wild streak hiding behind your breathing difficulties. Bonus points for using this line with your mask beneath your nose.
IN // OUT
Are you a Fresher trying to reinvent your social life that’s been stunted since puberty left your face looking like the Normandy coast on D-Day? Want to keep up with the latest trends among Trinity’s coolest and most unstable individuals? Well you’ve come to the right place. Its just as the old saying goes: “Trust me, I’m a literal exotic carnivorous fish writing satire in exchange for being fed dozens of blank-faced BESS students every year”.
4. “I put the sad in sadomasochistic Erasmus boyfriend” Witty and threatening, what more could you ask for in an icebreaker? Softboi vibes are pretty pre-pandemic but they might still have some currenIN cy in the face of the existential dread of pestilence. Hopeful- Vaccines are in. ly you’ll be able to find your Recreating your sixth year Marianne in a sea of Peggys. holiday is in. 5. “Well, well, well, I’ve Bag is in. been waiting to smell you Getting back with your ex in the flesh” is in. This line can be delivered any number of ways but we The Pav is in. recommend exclaiming it as Bag is in. a deep growl that seems to emanate from far within your Sticks of butter are in soul. You’ll have everyone on (somewhere). the edge of their seats which Fingerguns are in. is where every long-lasting Kissing your mates is in. friendship starts. Gender bending is in. 6. “Have you seen MumPfizer is in. my?” Has Humphrey Bogart just Bag is in. walked into the room because that line was aloof and Sex work is in. mysterious! Are you talking Gaslighting is in. about my mum? Yours? Or what about the titular monster of the 1999 smash hit “The Mummy”? The only way to find out is to engage in more conversation. Homerun.
3. “Tread softly for you tread on my dreams” Ah a WB Yeats misquote, classic. Although your love of poetry was unique in school, its hard to throw a book of Keats in the Arts Block without hitting an Icarus contributor. But use this line early enough and maybe some groupies might think that 7. IS MY VOCAL VOLUME you’re unique enough to be OK OR AM I SCREAMING? cool. Always good to check.
OUT Linda Doyle is out. The Taliban are out. Orgies are out. The Phil is out. Mullets are out. Leah Keogh is old out. Ivana Bacik is out. OnlyFans is out. Greg Arrowsmith is out. The PUP is out. The pandemic is out. Hitler is out. Heterosexuality is out. Balding is out Gaslighting is out.
Want to Get Involved? Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com or follow our Instagram @piranha_tcd
The Piranha’s Agony Aunt you are. BUT you need to do the following things if you want a fighting chance of fitting in and not bitterly resenting your college years: Change your appearance with carefree frequency- boldly enough that people think you’re confident, unhingedly enough that people know you’re insecure. Develop a mild eating disorder but keep it under control so you don’t need treatment (can’t have the people knowing you can afford it). Make sure you talk terribly often about how your course is killing you but proceed to get a first in every essay. Also worth the investment: rollies, docs, performative political opinions.
Q. Nervous fresher here trying to own my emotions as a young man (Thanks Conall). I’m concerned about the transition from school to college… mostly not being with just The Lads anymore. I’ll miss the camaraderie of the changing rooms after a rousing game of grabbing each other inappropriately in the name of sports. I’ll miss my good mates… Tale as old as time, my child. Coming out of the changing room is always hard, and everyone does it in their own time. Luckily for you, you won’t have to keep locker room chat confined to the gym anymore. It’s perfectly fine to tell your mates what gorgeous specimens they are right out in the open Q. I really feel we had final year sto- here. len from us. Do you think it would be acceptable to relive my last year Q. Enthusiastic fresher here just by hanging around college this time wondering what Michaelmas around? means?! Q. College is meant to change my No, loser? That’s what running for SU Please direct all non-trauma related life, how do I reinvent myself to is for. Stop DMing The Piranha. You’re questions elsewhere, like, to Google? keep up with that change? getting blocked. Aw girlie, you’re perfect just the way Q. I didn’t make any friends last year and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to. Any tips? Fear not, my child, I have the best friend-making technique for this new normal. At your next night out, lecture, casual run in on Nassau Street, target one individual and lock in them in with a conversational choke hold. Step beyond the adolescent DMC, share it all: How your mum used to shrink your clothes to make you lose weight, how your dad hasn’t looked you in the eye in eighteen years, the sibling whose shadow you cower under, the chess club teacher who told you you’d never be a grandmaster. Unleash all of it and stare expectantly at your prisoner. Allow them to reciprocate. Don’t listen at all, they didn’t. It’s called trauma dumping, dear. It’s the best new way to make the worst new friends.
Societies, In Brief: DUDJ: Fleeces and Bag DU Snowsports: Ski jackets and Bag DUBES: Gilets and Bag The Phil: Shouts and Echoes The Hist: Incels and CTYI retirees Players: Gays and bag TMT: Kelly and gays SurfSoc: Dirty hair and bag DUPA: Docs and anxiety VDP: Kindness and bag (but shh don’t tell) Young Fine Gael: Fascists and virgins (haha) Sinn Fein: Terrorists and idiots Cumann Gaelach: Gaeilgeoirí agus mála Christian Union: Guilt and kindness Law Soc: Egos and bag TAF: Finger painting and 2:2s Knights of the Campanile: Butter and assholes
Here’s what you missed!: A rundown of your classic first year in Trinity that you were so kindly robbed of crying in the toilets of the RDS because you can’t for the life of you define what democracy is in 500 words. That brings us up to the lighting of the Christmas tree along with the watery hot chocolate that Paddy P himself (RIP) used to hand out. Then Christmas exams babyyy. You spend the days quite literally FREEZING in the RDS and the nights dissociating in the Ussher. 12 pubs. Home to Tipperary for Christmas.
cupping classes, you don’t even drink coffee. Seachtain na Gaeilge is upon us and you have to hit every second person with ‘aw yeah my irish teacher was just so bad, but i really love the language!’
January: Ski trip if you’re rich, depression if you’re poor. You spent the entire holiday as the family punching bag beOctober-December: It’s the initial ball season. Why are cause, naturally, you’re ‘ToO GoOd fOr you going to Masquarave babe? You Us NOw tHaT yOu Go tO tRinITy’. don’t study law. Burns night? You’re not Scottish. You flit in and out to February: the library for social gain more than TAF is in full swing, you’re getting refor academic gain, something you will ally ‘into’ the music that’s blaring from quickly come to regret when you’re the rose garden. You take 3 coffee
So that’s a wrap on the round up of what you missed in first year. But alas, for you, the class of 2020, this is all you have:
September: It’s move-in day! As you pull up to Halls, some have enough luggage to never have to go home again, while others have already abandoned their parents for a crate of Heinekens and prinks with the Longford lads. ‘She looks like she’d be nice’, your mum remarks. A nod from your father is the most emotionally available he’s been since he let you rent two movies from Xtravision in 2009. As they leave you’re shoved into the canteen, branded with a wrist band and given a tin of Druids to get you where you need to be.
March-May: It’s ball season 2. You will go to all and every ball that you can afford until you get lost in a flurry of comedowns, assignments, and regrettable rides.
Leaving Cert points:625 Virginity: Intact Soul: Crushed Social battery:Dead
Photo Dump
Students protest Leinster House for better mental health services
Baby’s Big Day Out