The Piranha Vol. 42 Issue 5 - Summer Edition

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition

Mental Health

April 2021

Five thoughts you probably shouldn’t share with your family this summer.

005

The

- pg 8008135

Fashion Provost’s Merch Line to include solid gold money clip and GAA shorts - pg xoxo

Social “I’m into true crime”, "I think I could be the next Sally Rooney" and other ways to tell people you need professional help.

- pg 9 and 3/4

INSIGHT Society of The Year Awards: DU Players prevails amid unsurprising victory for Ugly Techies in year of online events.

Piranha

ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN

Zoom's Out For Summer!

IN FOCUS

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021

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Leaked! Jane Ohlmeyer's (Would-Be) Acceptance Speech We at The Piranha would like to congratulate our new Great and Supreme Leader Linda “Who?” Doyle on her ascension to Trinity’s highest office.

However a source within the campaign of ‘the People’s Provost’, Jane Ohlmeyer has leaked to us her victory speech which she was to give had she won:

We must discard our fear of a seagull’s swoop. Discard the dread of CollaborateUltra breakout groups. Discard our feeble fascination of replacing our father figures with a guitar-playing immunologist.

Instead, let us embrace the darkness. This campus will be one in which all students will turn to look at the immense void inside of themselves and laugh. All morals will be left at Lincoln Gate. All civilisation will be abandoned on Nassau Street. We shall celebrate our puny lives by embracing their meaninglessness.

So not one T Ball. Not two. Unending T Balls. Treat every 9 am lecture like Skepta on the Pyramid Stage. Keys are for drugs, not lockers. Lockers are for cans, not books. Caligula and Morrissey would both blush at the scenes of the Art Block on a Monday mid-morning once I’m done here.

Snap the seagull’s neck. Break the breakout room. Kiss Luke O’Neill. This is our time. This is the rule of Jane “Who’s Your Daddy Now?” Ohlmeyer.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and the entities who constitute FashionSoc, I would like to thank you and welcome you to a new era of Trinity. Many provosts have come before me. Many have strived to revolutionise education, to mould tomorrow’s leaders, or to brown-nose enough politicians to be involved in the next GolfGate. But that was the way of the past. As we raise our nubile eyes up after a year filled with the stench of pestilence and death; as we muddle through the empty gesture of living knowing that we are always within the fingertip grasp of the Grim Reaper; as we see that all of our humanity and joy is protected from the universe’s interminable chaos by only a thin membrane of civility, we must discard (Pause for standing ovation) the ways of old.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO THIS SUMMER? Confused about how to spend the summer months? Our foolproof algorithm will tell you exactly how to squeeze the most out of the three days of sunshine we get between now and your next “Module Announcement” email from Blackboard.

Your dad is: A:

Putting petrol in your Fiat500 as we speak.

B: A stingy bastard C: Having an affair D: The master of a hospital

Your cocktail order is:

usually get:

A: Aperol, baby.

B: … gin and tonic?

C: An old fashioned. Yeah you probably wouldn’t like it.

D: Grey goose.

A:

Ideal date?

On Normal People character quizzes you

N/A I am my own main character B: Conall C: Jamie D: Gareth

Your society is: A: DUPA B: DU GAA C: Law Soc D: DUBES

A: A long walk on the beach. Just me, you, our most vintage outfits, and my pentax.

B: PMacs is cool. Bit dark. But… trendy.

C: Some PressUp place? They’re never worth spending real money on anyway.

D: Fade Street Social. Drinks AND food.

ANSWERED MOSTLY:

A:

STAYCATIONS - you’ve got a holiday home, all your photogenic friends have holiday homes. Look forward to a Summer of ‘grammable moments.

B:

GO HOME - The local Centra needs you. Dublin doesn’t.

C:

INTERNSHIP - Well done for getting one. I’m sure this time they’re proud of you.

D:

PORT - Vax and go, baby. You’ve missed VDL since you were there last Summer, and it has missed YOU. Go on, you deserve it.

Sam The Fox Spotted at AntiLockdown Protest Trinity’s most beloved furry fauna, Sam the Fox, has caused consternation after revealing her allegiances to anti-lockdown group ‘Ah Can We Just Have A Couple Of Pints Already’ (ACWJHACOPA). This statement came after pictures were circulated on social media of Ms. the Fox urinating on the leg of a Garda at an Anti-Lockdown protest.

In a statement this week, Sam expressed her desire “to get the fucking Pav reopened” as it was the only reason she came to the campus in the first place. She continued, “I came here to ride, to drink, and to smoke. I used to slip in and out of those Hist orgies without anyone noticing my vulpine genitalia. Now I can’t even ride the fella without someone filming me”.

Ms. the Fox, born Samantha Cordelia the Fox, has become a lockdown icon of Trinity having taken up residence on campus after being priced out of Stoneybatter. She has been spotted regularly by those brave enough to risk a pandemic for a few rollies outside the Berk.

Although her political leanings have caused her to lose support among some students, the majority of the student body wish they too could piss on a figure of authority as they live through one of the world’s toughest lockdowns. There are even some unsubstantiated rumours of a group of students who hope to use Sam’s urinating abilities to adorn the aggressively bald head of Stephen Donnelly with a golden crown.

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021 3

This Day in Histor y

Quod

1849

Fresher Patrick Prendergast picks up his first copy of The Piranha, setting in motion the greatest Love Story ever told.

Dixeunt

1918

Dixeunt

Trinity students bemoan having to miss Lord Iveagh’s Summer Ball because of “Miss Spanny”

2024

“Its Level 2 somewhere in the world” - Your housemate on why doing Ket on a Tuesday is a good idea

COVID cases down to 400 a day.

Fine Fáil - Fianna Gael Taoiseach Gammon O’Flaharta announces plans for a “meaningful Christmas”.

“I literally cannot sleep because I’m so woke.”

- Mildly Liberal Insomniac Fourth Year, outside Berkeley.

2042

“A quick mocha, a cheeky lie in, and a date with my Eoin Hand” - The outgoing TCDSU President on his perfect Sunday

Redroom discovered in the cellar of the GMB.

3191

Jane Ohlmeyer’s cryogenically frozen body is reanimated and runs for Provost

“You guys still like me, right?”

- Friend who has decided to take this lockdown seriously to a groupchat he doesn’t realise everyone else has muted.

“Slow is smooth and smooth is quickly destroying our economy” - Vaping BESS student pontificates on the speed of national vaccine distribution.

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

W

ell kids, it’s been fun. It’s hard to believe we’ve done a full year of Zoom University. It’s even harder to believe that we, like the chumps we are, ponied up full fees for the displeasure.

Even harder still to believe is that this raggle-taggle group of disaffected sneers managed to squeeze FIVE whole issues of a satirical magazine out of the most depressing year on record.

But we did it, and you did it too. It’s been an unbelievably hard year, made all the more difficult by the complete absence of leadership or direction from College, the Students’ Union, or any of the services we are supposed to rely on for support.

For many of us, the reality of this year has been harrowing in ways that have not, and sadly will never be acknowledged

by College. So we hope you take some time to congratulate yourself on getting through this year.

nonetheless reason to hope for a better summer and maybe, just maybe, a return to hideously sweaty nightclubs, sticky floors and rickshaw pills in the not too distant future.

In slightly more positive news, we're very excited for the term of a new Provost and we wish her all the best in the role (not that she particularly wants or needs it from two washed-up has-beens).

We're very grateful to our fantastic team of writers, and we wish all the very best to Ellen and Hugh, our wonderful new editors. We couldn't be leaving the magazine in better hands and we're so excited to see what they get up to next year.

Finally, there would be no point in making The Piranha if no one ever picked it up. We hope your cat has enjoyed it as a low-cost alternative to kitty litter.

While some of us are off to the great big graduate programme in the sky, we’re cautiously optimistic that things It's not goodbye, it's smell ya later. will have improved by September for those of you facing into another year of teaching yourself 60 credits’ worth of James & Shane xx Mental Illness from the trauma-prison of your childhood bedroom. While the pace of vaccinations may be glacial, it is

“Oh I’d love to come out but I’m actually waxing my Barbour jacket this weekend” - Team GB have survived the pandemic, thrived actually in some cases “I think we’re doing Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, Budapest, then finishing with a week at Sziget” - Your Granny’s summer plans after being vaccinated Two lines...... please" - Perch Man cries himself to sleep, life devoid of all meaning ‘No man, TrinityTwenty is far more exclusive than Forbes 30 under 30, like 10 less spots’ - A former rowing captain that just can’t let it go

“What do you mean they dont want me to be their father anymore?”

- Patrick Prendergast on Luke O’Neill’s rise as Trinity’s resident Daddy.

“I’d rather have in person classes back though.”

- Student admits mixed feelings about Colleg’es response to the pandemic while sitting uncomfortably in a pathetic, wooden beach chair outside the arts block.

The Piranha Editors (Exit Stage Left): James Johnston Shane Kenneally

Incoming Editors: Ellen Higgins Hugh O'Leary

Senior Writers: Niall Begley Claire Brennan Staff Writers: Max Wilson Liam Grugan Curtis Winkelmann Tadhg Cowhig Hector Wright The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional,

and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021

4

Prince Philip has passed. What does that mean for you?

The Duke of Edinburgh was pronounced deceased on April 9th after his biweekly pulse was not detected. With the world reeling over the death of this royal figure, you may be wondering how your life will be affected. Here are just a few aspects of a post-Philip life you may want to keep in mind.

1. You can finally start watching a new TV series Now that the ending of The Crown has been spoiled for everyone, you can stop dedicating so much time to watching it and experience the world. Breathe a sigh of relief, your social shackles have been forever dissolved and your personality can grow without bounds. Please go outside.

focused on Buckingham Palace, who is going to stop you from running wild? Go ahead, rob a bank, grab the backpack off that Deliveroo driver, use a library booking to enter college without actually going to the library. Don’t worry, we won’t tell. The world is your oyster, you dastardly fiend!

3. You

should probably brush up

on your knowledge of the dark arts

With Philip’s passing, Dark Lord of the Abyss Paimon is only one immortal being’s death away from resurrection. On the off chance that Philip’s cousin Queen Elizabeth, Keanu Reeves, or another member of the lizard co-op is unable to make their next trip to the well of eternal youth, Earth will be plunged into a millennia of darkness. Why 2. You can take advantage of the not take the time to skim through media being distracted to live out some occult manuscripts? Trust us, you do not want to face the great your wildest criminal fantasies culling unprepared.

With every newspaper’s attention

New Vaccination Programme Requirements Frustrated at the slow pace of the vaccination rollout, and dismayed at the lack of a clear plan from the Government, The Piranha has secured leaked details of the updated criteria for eligibility to receive a vaccination. We’ll see you in the queue in 2025.

1:

Applicant cannot receive vaccination if still legally classified as ’A Virgin.’

2:

Applicant must be pure of heart: Much like the selection process for Captain America, a grenade will be thrown into a small crowd of innocent people and the first person to dive on it will be considered eligible to receive the vaccination.

3:

Applicant cannot have used the phrase “doing bits” within the last four years.

4:

Applicant must not have a “professional Twitter” wherein they retweet and comment on other industry professionals’ recent successes.

5:

Applicant’s Father and Mother must still be in a happy and loving marriage.

6:

Applicant cannot have extreme social anxiety or depression.

Sowee!

7:

Applicant must have a clear idea of what their future holds in store.

8:

Applicant cannot be that person who calls out ‘Guards’ as a joke during a covid session.

9:

Applicant must not have updated their Facebook profile picture in the last 3 years. Not even to include a SU candidate’s profile filter.

10:

Applicant must have deleted instagram in a state of isolated anger before ultimately re-downloading it two hours later. (Vital that applicant tells people they have deleted Instagram or else how would anyone know that said applicant is ‘off the grid’ and can only be reached by Whatsapp for the next half day).

PINING: A COLLECTION OF SHORT ESSAYS ABOUT THE THINGS WE’VE LOST THAT MAKE TRINITY OH SO VERY TRINITY Baking and getting baked:

entire JCR leaving halls - President, Alex Clark remaining alone, a captain I wandered through the cruel empty vessel of the ArtsBlock today. The always goes down with his ship. It is truly another aspect of this little ghosts of Players past throwing cupcakes in my face to fund their…. college that we never thought we would miss, but hey I bet you’re also plays. This is an ode to walking all the way from the top floor of the still missing that Theoretical Physics student you fucked pre-lockdown.

Lecky, to exit out the berkeley door just to avoid your mates trying to 11 dimensions of pure pleasure. sell you a deconstructed Tesco traybake for 2 euro a piece, to fund their surf trip; to escape the wrenching guilt of pretending to be listening to a The scandal, Trinder and BNOCs: podcast as you speed past the ladies’ sports teams who get 0.2% of the In a college with such a small knit, competitive, (toxic?) community, budget that the men get, just trying to fund their club. we were never short of a good story. Although with the arrival of the Panabola, we have lost a crucial and cultural part of our existence. I worry this year we won’t even be able to scrape together a Trinity Two The girls, the gays and the guerilla gigs: I long for so much of my old life as I sit chattering on the splintery deck list, everyone is so fucking depressed and uninspired, nobody has time chairs on Fellows’ square. One memory stands out starkly, I miss it and to be popular, sporty, influential and/or annoying. We can’t speculate loathe it in equal measure.The pop up guerilla gigs of TAF. Head down, tail over who is doing what internship, who is gonna get schols, who is lying down, I would scurry towards my lecture in TBSI (a well known institute about it? A moment of silence for the passing of OG Trinder, a beautiful for biology in Trinity College Dublin, for those of you who scarcely peel place to share your feelings and concerns, before it was hijacked by your asses off the picnic benches outside the arts block), when suddenly some touch-starved, aggressive first years that have been locked in halls I hear a dull thumping. I’m harassed into the rose garden by some tote- for a year. wielding TAF volunteers. To then sit and smile as Oscar Blue strums a guitar while I’m freezing my arse off, and now late for my lecture.

The party/T ball pictures in a post ‘Normal People’ era: In a world of ‘I’ve done X, I’m not afraid of what’s in the covid vaccine’, Instagram captions, I long for the ‘And they were normal people’ The Ents team and it’s annoying little brother, the JCR: The red jackets were deafening in their silence this year. From Hugh Mac instagram captions we could have had. Also an honourable mention for truly believing that two Facebook Lives a year is doing his job,to the ‘Conall and Marianne look different here’ and ‘You could never actually have a party that loud in the rubrics’

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021

5

What's Hot // What's Not Searing insider insight from the decrepit Senior Sophister Student whose student card definitely starts with 15 - or even 14 "Anyone else remember when there used to be a Trinity Term after Hilary Term?

Just me? Oh em gee you're gonna make me sick haha! Here, eh, do you find me attractive? Like please, do you see anything in me, do I still possess the currency of youth!???!

HOT

NOT

Pandemic Summer 2.0:

The Final Year That Never Was:

Who is fuckkingggg ready for this absolute belter of a Summer we're all about to have? I don't know about you but I personally adore the simplicity of a pandemic summer. No longer do I feel sorry for myself, whiling away these warm months in my parents' detached new build in county Westmeath. Pressing my forehead against the cool of the bathroom tiles each morning, just so I can feel something, as I prepare to spend another day replaying all my old xbox games, and wondering if my parents have started noticing just how many bottles of Peroni I pour into me each night as I inhale reruns of Geordie Shore. See before the big Panadol-Xtra swept across the globe I used to feel guilty that I never made any summer plans. I'd lie awake in my childhood bedroom at 2pm and spend the morning scrolling instagram looking at pictures of my friends in exotic places like Vietnam, or Colombia, or spiking eachothers drinks on that beach in Vancouver with all the logs, "Here Maurice it's only a bit of DMT don't be such a little bitch about it." I'd watch through my cracked screen as Maurice spiralled into drug induced psychosis, or better yet, I'd hop over to the snapchat stories of my friends doing their 'Camp USA' summers and watch as they cleaned human waste left behind by unfathomably rich Republican children who learn Mandarin in their spare time. See what I've learned, now that everyone else is also stuck in Ireland for the summer, is that even with all my best pals just a zoom call away, I am still absolutely terrifically miserable. But now, everyone is, and I think that's beautiful. I never wanted to be happy, I just wanted some company in my times of dread :)

I thought it would eventually happen. I thought at some point that all of this would 'take off' and maybe I'd get one last T-Ball, or Pav drinks, or even an awkward run in with incumbent Ents Officer Greg Arrowsmith after I wrote so much about his hot problematic brother in the last issue. But alas dear reader, it never did.

I have spent my final year in my room on campus, reminiscing about all the great memories I made in my early years. Weeping silently as they grow ever more faded, like newspaper left out in sunlight. I used to be a big deal, I would walk through the arts block and Eoin Hand would piss his fucking pants. I would stride into house 6 and the CSC would BEG me to rob 13,000 euro from their accounts. I was once late for a lecture and ran right into GSU President Giséle Scanlon and knocked her flying, and she apologised to me (But like in a sort of aggro way and I still felt really bad and it took ages for me to calm down after)! I had an affair with Patrick Prendergast, while he was already having an affair! I was such a big dick on campus that I was not ALLOWED to be a homosexual, and look at me now. The other day I was sitting on a bench in the Rose Garden and someone came up to me and gave me a coffee and a roll. Afterwards I was walking by the campus creche and three different children reached their stubby hands through the gates and shouted "Papa?"

I get targeted ads to apply for post graduate programs at DIT. I am old, a tattered coat upon a stick. I never even got to say a proper goodbye, it all went so fast. If you see me next year at either of the two, if not three, Trinity Balls, then remember to show me a smile, toss me a nickle, and please, oh please, let me have a bump, afterall, I was young once too.

Provost Linda(?) The People's Choice: Alright, I will level with you, I was absolutely gunning for Jane Ohlmeyer to take it home this year, but I've made my peace, just like Bimini, I think she's meant for All-Stars. Therefore I couldn't be HAPPIER that Trinity has it's first ever female provost, Linda(?) !! I am thrilled that a woman (who's name I certainly know, who's face I can definitely recall, and who's voice, with its lilting, dulcet(?), tones, I can hear clearly in my own head) will now lead Trinity into a new era.

I am ecstatic for all the innovative changes she has planned for the college, such as but not limited to, dynamic, progressive and groundbreaking initatives that will overhaul and reinvent the University of Trinity College Dublin. Yes, of this I am sure, Linda(?) has many, many things planned, and I as a living, breathing student with a beating heart, am one hundred percent behind her. Or should I say 110%? Because THAT is the amount of unapologetic dynamism that Linda(?) will bring to Trinity this decade. Everyone raise a glass to this particular Linda(?)!!

The Gardaí

I like a man in uniform as much as the next damaged twink but I do NOT appreciate the near constant presence of An Garda Síochana on the streets of Dublin's fair city. It's like we, as young people, are no longer allowed to make our own mistakes.

If I choose to drink gin cans along the canal and sleep with men who've broken hotel quarantine just so I can get a pumping off of "Brazillian Top 4 NOW >:D" then - Let - Me - Live (Deliciously.) It all boils down to a fundamental question of free will.

First it starts with them shooing us away from the canals or the parks, next they'll ban takeaway pints, what then? Will it become a CRIME for me to have fun? Who cares if I enjoy a bit of slap and tickle while the Pantene-ProVformula Conditioner ravages the world? Next you'll tell me I ought to have respect and sympathy for others!? Hunnyyyy I don't even respect myself! Let me tell you this, if I'm still sending pictures of my bum on Insta to a certain well known Phibsborough artist (even when I know he's not really going to use them to make queer artistic prints) then I am most CERTAINLY not going to stop spreading my germs around Dublin's green spaces just because some pig in a stab vest tells me. See, I just brought the narrative full circle! This wasn't just a way of me writing out my inner demons as a means of a coping mechanism! I'm growing!

The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com

6

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021

European Commission in talks with Alex Jones about Super Male Vitality™ supplement as possible solution to stymied vaccine supply Alex Jones, the simultaneous heroic soothsayer, Trump stooge, and conspiracy theory nutjob, is currently in talks with the EU over his supplement, Super Male Vitality, to help with the EU’s rocky vaccine deployment.

cost. The latter of which seems to be the progressive de-federalisation of, quote, ‘the failed European Project’, the removal of certain human rights provisions, tiered/fully privatised healthcare and greater firearm freedoms. The possibility of criminal proceedings brought against Geroge Soros is an apparent point of contention between parties.

Beset by procurement, distribution and internal political disagreements, Jones’ secret formula (rumoured to contain a blend of herbs and garlic, the EU have begun to seek vaccine alternatives. In a recent interview, Gorilla semen, and “the tears of limp dick leftist soyboys”) is currently Ursula Von Der Leyan’s arraignment of AstraZeneca was as brutal as it was being assessed by the EMA through a rolling examination of daily users informative. ‘AstraXeneca shit the fucking can with this one, and bleedin of the pills.

Boris is slurping down that sweet, sweet popular support as he waves his chubby finger at us laughing all the way to a Tory majority next election’.* When asked about the EU financially supporting a man who promotes Dipping into English, she referenced U.S. President Biden’s recent, highly fake news and believes the Sandy Hook shooting a myth, senior European nuanced, remark that his parent’s left Ireland because of what the ‘Brits officials told us to ‘read a book’ and to ask ourselves if lining the pockets had been doing’, and with all the unintentionally cheesy seriousness of a of healthcare giants who regularly charge predatory prices for life saving second-rate Player’s production, she looked down the camera lens, and drugs is also morally justified. said, ‘it seems the Brits still haven’t stopped (getting up to trouble)’. This shifting of blame highlights the Commission’s insecurity and may be the Indeed, it seems official EU policy may soon become ‘Getting jabs (and fuel driving the EU’s odd decision to greenlight a proprietary technology pseudo-scientific vitamin complex tablets) into the arms (and mouths) of

by InfoWars Labs.

EU citizens as quickly as possible’. Perhaps that is good, or bad, or I don’t know/care, I’m tired and sad, and I just want human touch.

As with most international vaccine contracts, the negotiation process *Our translator was a second year English-German TSM student from is often a clandestine affair. However, the Piranha can report that if Cavan, paid only in positive affirmations and promises of a kinder bueno. approved by the EMA, dosages will bear both a monetary and political

Why Does That "Man" Let People into Trinity Even Though Their Library Booking is Only For 15 Minutes?

Our roving reporter went undercover to ask the burning question on every Trinity student’s lips: Why do we continue to hyperventilate on Nassau Street, trying to find the right email, while Rose with the TAF tote and pink Crocs breezes past with a booking for the Hamilton library from 6 weeks ago. We propose the following five theories: 1:

He has lost everything.

2: He is a higher being from the fifth dimension who views time as malleable rather than constrictive.

3: He has been cursed, much like Jim Carrey from the 2008 Comedy film ‘Yes Man,’ and is physically incapable of saying the word “No.” 4: He is an alien from a galaxy far far away who was sent here by his superiors to study human behaviour.

5: He is not paid enough and therefore couldn’t care less.

6: You might want to see number 2 and double, triple check he is not a Great Elder One from space.

"Can you zoom in on the email please?"

New Restrictions Announced to Curb the Spread of “Society Hack Syndrome” As societies all around Trinity gear up to vote for their new committees, students have been warned that outbreaks of the virus Student Hack Syndrome (or “Hack Attack” as it is known on the streets) are especially common at this time of year particularly among the younger years. The contagiousness and severity of the disease is frightening. Students may wake up one day to find their entire friend group sharing manifestos, taking photos under the Campanile, and attending Hustings. To compound the problem, there appears to be no reliable cure for the illness apart from a coke-induced questioning of the patient’s entire meaning in their life.

week contemplating whether 2nd Year LawSoc Rep will help their prospects of getting an internship in Matheson next year (though their aunt Sorcha being a partner probably won’t hurt).

Therefore, the TCDSU has announced new measures to curb this rampant disease’s stranglehold on the Trinity student body. Firstly, at AGMs, all outgoing committee members will have to disclose whatever childhood trauma made them sign up in the first place in order to deter new applicants.

Secondly, all candidates must refrain from speaking to their friends for the entirety of their campaign lest they pressure them into smearing their manifestos While it was hoped that locking over their social media accounts. the majority of Freshers in a prison Finally, all candidates must stay 2 in Dartry would suppress the metres apart to accommodate for virus, it appears that the virus can the explosion of their egos should travel just as effectively through they be elected.

Zoom as in person. Dozens of Freshers have been spotted this

7

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021

Humans of Lockdown: I’ve been outside the Arts Block for so long, I forgot that I’m woke On that one sunny day in March I stood outside One Kinda Folk sipping an espresso, waiting for my interviewee who’s name I cannot give because of the NDA his dad made me sign. Ten minutes past the agreed upon time, an N plated Volkswagen Golf pulls up and the man himself jumps out. He points at me with finger guns shouting flat deece then orders one for both of us.

Q. Tell us about yourself.

I’m just your average lad, born and raised in the d4tress, privately educated (he holds out his left hand, bearing his school ring curiously on his ring finger), going to college with a view to joining Dad’s firm and finally winning his love. Pursuant to legal advice, I can’t give more specific details.

Q. And how have you spent lockdown?

Being confined to my 5k has been rough but it means I get to spend every waking moment disregarding restrictions with the BMs from school. They all go to UCD, Trinity was a stipulation of the old pair’s divorce agreement, you know yourself. Anyway, being able to go full send without some tragic bird telling me her life story or having my ears bleed from all the Joni Mitchell has been just what I needed. I haven’t had to care about renter’s rights or diversity in months. The lads barely recognized me at the start of lockdown, it was like I’d been brainwashed, but I’ve wholly reintegrated now thank fuck.

Q. Do you worry that your unwoke views will come back to bite you?

The groupchat is encrypted and they’ll have to go through my dad.. I mean… solicitor… if they want to get any concrete evidence.

Q. Will you try to recover your wokeness?

Look, I’ll stop saying (slew of most unparliamentary language) but I’ve only got to make it through final year and then I can start openly voting Fianna Gael again.

Q. Any last comments?

Now, just between ourselves, that SJW, bookworm who doesn’t shave vibe really... does it for me. Are you free tonight?

Q. Do you think you’ve benefited at all from indoctrination by the trinity bubble?

It’s like when we went to build a well in Africa in fourth year. Getting to see how other people live, learning about their customs, that (redacted) is a slur, you know yourself.

I’m sure it’ll all stand to me when I have to look empathetic as a TD in twenty years time.

Did you know Susi Grant isn’t a person? Anyway. I guess it’s important too that I’ve made some girl friends. Seeing women not as sexual objects but people that I can have meaningful platonic friendships with is a big change for me. Charity shops too. You know you don’t need to be on the dole to shop at those? Anyway. Birds go mad for that caring about the environment shit.

"I piss in the Vico"

Six Things to Do/Say This Summer When The Guards Stop and Ask You Why You are Headed to The Airport.

Our resident travel writer gives you the inside scoop on how to breeze 5. Start a quote from Adam McKay’s infamous, 2010 Comedy film ‘The past those busybodies who want to stop you from topping up on some Other Guys.’ If the Guard finishes it, then you two have officially become vitamin D. best friends and they will most likely let you continue on through.

1. Look the Guard directly in the eyes and say “I don’t speak English.”

2. Place a pair of black ray bans on your face and assume the role of an

6. Take out your standard, legalised “hunting” firearm and execute the Guard. This step is the most brutal and will take the most apathy but do you want to go to Berlin and do cocaine in a basement or not?

FBI agent/antagonist from any action film of the last 10 years. Then repeat thusly: ‘Officer, in 20 seconds you are going to receive a call from your superiors instructing you to let us through. You’ll argue and complain until they threaten to fire you, at which point, I will give you a look that says ‘i warned you,’ roll my window up and be on my jolly old way so let’s cut the bullshit— skip all that unnecessary struggle and pretend this never happened before someone gets hurt, Huh? Whaddayasay Bucko?…’

3. Utilise reverse psychology (warning, this one might be too powerful)

Simply state: “You are going to arrest us, seize the marijuana I have in my pocket, beat us up a little and then take us to jail…” — If this seems to be immediately failing make sure to try it again, only this time, wave your hand in front of the Garda’s face like a Jedi Mind Trick.

4. Throw the Guard off the scent by nervously stating “Wh…What’s an airport?”

The 5km is actually only for exercise!!!

Final Farewell Fuck This Edition, April 2021

Boating Club Vessel Stuck in Liffey Costs Dublin Economy Tens of Cents The city’s economy was rocked on Tuesday after a Dublin University Boating Club vessel became wedged under the Ha’penny Bridge, blocking the county’s most vital nautical trade route for the roughly thirteen minutes it remained stuck.

“It’s very difficult to measure the exact monetary damage accidents like this do to trade, but we could be looking at anything from 23 to 32 cents,” Hazel Chu, Lord Mayor of Dublin, commented on the incident.

The racing shell had apparently separated from its fleet during a routine training session. It is not clear exactly how the boat managed to become wrecked, as the bridge is several times wider than the length of the ship.

ZOOM BALL

Bystanders who witnessed the calamity from the shore report that the people on board could be heard making race car noises as the ship barreled towards the bridge, with one onlooker asserting that immediately following the crash he heard one of the rowers say “Ok, this is epic.”

A digital mapping of the boat’s route taken by GPS revealed that immediately prior to getting stuck, it was apparently steered to write the phrase “2D girls are better” in the water. DUBC representatives insist this was purely coincidental.

“I can confidently say that it was not our intention to damage Dublin’s maritime trade, nor did we deliberately spell out any phrases prior to the accident,” a spokesperson for the club explained.

“I mean, if we were going to write something it would at least be funnier than that,” they continued, saying “It’s not even true. They aren’t better. At least I don’t think so. Can I get a drink of water?”