Ball Guide Trinity Term 2018
004
The
Political
Economics
General
"I didn't even want to be on your shitty society anyway" - dealing with loss in AGM season, page 7
You can check out any time you'd like, but you can never leave - Opt-Out Referendum Analysis, page 12
TCD GSU President stages one-man occupation of my heart, page 13
Piranha
a political, economic, and general newspaper
HARRY POTTER AND THE INTENT TO SUPPLY
Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
IN FOCUS
The Piranha investigates: The best library to cry in before exams
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s the dust settles on the #TakeBackTrinity movement successfully lobbying college to reverse their decision on introducing supplemental exam fees, the one thing that all sides can agree on is the victor. No, the real victor here wasn’t studentcollege relations, democracy, or Denise Meyers, 46 years old visiting from Milwaukee, who really would prefer if students stopped blocking her way so she could see ‘The Book of Kelly’.
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t’s the night of Trinity Ball. As the end of the night approaches, so too does your impending doom. The screen of your recently-cracked iPhone reads 2:43, and your George Ezra-induced interrail throughout Europe has been replaced with initial stages of a come down. You’ve fucked up. Time to address the essential question: Which library is most accommodating for a hapless weep? The Usher 1 - Amidst the dazed and confused First years and the unhinged Final Year Meds, you are a drop in the Ocean. Cry away in peace. Piranha rating 7/10
Turning Your Own Inadequacy into a PR Success: The Kevin Keane Story
The Usher 2 - The illusion of work lies heavy on this floor. Have a quick glance, you’ll notice they’re all dead inside anyway. Probably suitable for a sneak cry. Piranha Rating 5/10 The Usher 3 - Probably not your safest bet. Let’s be real, the only reason people go to U3 is to eyefuck eachother across the room. Don’t ruin a good vibe with your tears. Piranha rating 4/10 The Usher 5 - There is nothing worse than being moved from your crying perch by a postgrad looking for their seat. To be avoided 2/10 The Usher Basement - Suitable for all trolls, located deep underground to hide your shame. Reasonably comfortable with couches to facilitate your sob. Piranha rating 8/10 The Lecky - Honestly we’re surprised there’s even desks in that M50 of a library. The prospect of spending time here terrifies even the bravest of us. Cry if you must in this barren wasteland, but don’t linger unless you want to take part in some Mad Max level shit. Piranha rating 7/10 The Berkeley - The Berkeley is a poorly lit, concrete space inhabited by law students and stray HisPols. If you’re not crying, what the fuck is the point? Piranha rating 9/10 The Small Stack of Books on Paddy Prendergast’s Desk Who wouldn’t cry here? Dealing with you bastards 24/7 I’d cry too. Piranha Rating 10/10
A. Nonymous
The real victor here was, without doubt, and standing head and shoulders above the rest in both a literal and figurative sense, Kevin Keane. Keane’s pivot from ineffective committee member to one-man social movement has been a twisting so perfect, it would have caused Keane to unseat Nadia Comăneci for the artistic gymnastics gold in the 1976 Olympic Games in Montreal. Not since the cigarettes were branded as ‘guard-
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ing against throat scratch’ rather than ‘causing your lungs to literally blacken with plaque’ has there been such a disconnect from appearances, and reality. Keane, who in the minutes of the College’s Finance Committee is clearly recorded as not having opposed the introduction of modular billing, or the resulting charges that such an introduction would entail, has come off the back of the #TakeBackTrinity campaign with his reputation bolstered, rather than having his credibility challenged in any meaningful way. Keane, who failed to submit an alternative funding proposal by the deadline, and instigated a confusing preferendum that was only going to result in a fractured vote and no clear student mandate, now can look back on his tenure with
pride, safe in the knowledge that he has unduly profited off the back of other, less prominent students who don’t have the same platform, influence, or literal height, as him. It’s kind of like how Harry Potter survived his adventures and defeated Lord Voldemort by profiting off his more talented and competent friends. If Harry Potter was 6’7’’, that is. It’s vintage straight white male privilege that allows someone to be so incompetent, and then pivot, and successfully recast oneself as a fighter against injustice, rather than a tacit instigator of the injustice itself. We salute Keane for his contortions, and wish him well when he inevitably uses these experiences to paint himself as a vindicator of the voiceless in an upcoming Seanad election, rather than just another person benefiting from systemic privilege.
How to Subtly Let Your TA Know that You Would Bang Them at a Moment’s Notice
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t finally happened. You made some vague, yet superficially insightful comment about Plato’s Theory of Forms, and your TA just said that it was an “interesting contribution.” Well hold me down and spank me until I scream “supplemental fees!” they totally have the hots for you! But how can you subtly let them know that, given even the slightest of indications, you would tear off all your clothes and mount the desk faster than you can say “I wasn’t able to find the required readings for this seminar on Blackboard”? Well worry no more lovesick loner, The Piranha is here to take your clammy hand and guide you through the murky depths of ethically dubious sexual contact with your TA. Here are just a few ways to let them know that you’re ready to engage in some steamy coitous.
1. Use Words Like ‘Coitous’ Remember, TAs are smart. Like, most of them have PhDs. With that in mind, it’s important to use fancy-sounding words that make you seem more sophisticated than a lovesick post-pubescent semi-adult projecting their sexual insecu-
rities on a person in a position in power. Drop a few ‘hithertos’ ‘henceforths’ and ‘notwithstandings’ into conversation and you’ll be boinking before you can blink! 2. Read Sexual Subtext in All of Your Readings Remember, the goal is to be subtle. You can’t go in, all guns
blazing, and declare your undying love in front of your peers. No, that’s a one way ticket to SadTown, population: you. Instead, use the setting to your advantage. Use the required readings for that seminar to suggest that you are open to all sorts of sexual misadventures. Migration theory? Migrate into my pants. Absurdism? Nothing absurd about what I’m packing. Basic arithmetic? Just make everything add up to 69. They’ll catch on pretty sharpish. 3. Perform Oral Sex On the Tip of Your Pen You’re a student in this context, but in the bedroom, you need to prove that you’re the teacher. Show off your skills in front of your TA by performing all your best moves whilst maintaining unblinking eye contact. Just make sure you’re using the end of the pen without the nib. Nothing’s less sexier than an inky mouth. Unless your TA is an octopus, that is.
4. Mount the Desk and Thrust Away Look, desperate times call for desperate measures. If they haven’t gotten it at this stage, it’s time to make like North Korea after a failed meeting with the US and go nuclear. Unleash all that pent-up sexual tension and just go to town on your desk. Nobody can say you didn’t try after that. And hey, if it doesn’t work, you’ll have a great story to tell your friends when you’re inevitably kicked out of college. So get out there and score a perfect attendance - in your TA’s bedroom!
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Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
2018
September 10th - Fresher's Week begins, 2 weeks earlier than previously. Suks 2 be u losers
2038
Supplemental Exam Fees are reintroduced at the cost of 2.7 Bitcoin
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The fossilised remains of a #TakeBackTrinity shit bucket are found in a hidden corner of the Dining Hall
2019
GSU President finally leaves the Dining Hall after 400 days of occupation
2019
Israeli State finally bows to pressure of SU Boycott, liberates Palestine
‘Supplemental fees? I meant to say supple emmental CHEESE!’ Patrick Prendergast attempts to roll back on the #TakeBackTrinity fiasco I did this to get microwaves and speak in the Seanad, now I’m in the dining hall shitting in the corner and losing my vision”
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
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‘If those dunces think I’m forsaking my free meal that they paid for with their fees just so they can have their little protest, then they have another thing coming’ ‘Would the strange ones just calm down a bit and take a shower?’ Simon Finlay Sch. reacts to the student protests Every student reacting to the leaders of #TakeBackTrinity
Shane De Rís’s surprise that SU President is actually a fair bit of work.
Choose Your Own Adventure
‘There’s no safe space in coppers’ Failed Comms and Marketing Candidate
The Piranha
Out with the Old: Tom Cantillon Manus Dennison In with the New: Sophie Cassidy Conor Nevin
Contributors Jack Dolan Shane Kenneally Will Dunleavy Paraic McLean The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The
Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
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Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
Provost Refuses to Expel 60 Russian Erasmus Students Despite Mounting Pressure From the International Community PERSONA NON PRENDERGAST
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n a statement made earlier today, Provost Patrick Prendergast outlined his reasons for refusing to expel Russian Erasmus students following the poisoning of Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in Salisbury, England, on 4 March. The statement comes after over 150 diplomats were declared Persona Non Grata by the UK and many of its allies. Trinity College, a NATO member and party to the Pact of Iron and Fees, has faced significant pressure to follow suit and expel the Erasmus students, or “information officers” who are alleged to have infiltrated Trinity. Citing “financial constraints” and blinking the morse code
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e don’t know about you, but we are exhausted. What with all these marches to attend, causes to care about, and facebook ribbons to squeeze into your ever more crowded profile picture, I think we speak for everyone (and as white males, we sort of do), when we say we could all do with a break. Thankfully therefore, the end of term is upon us. It is a time for reflection, for taking stock and for stuffing socks into your mouth so that nobody can hear
‘Let’s Have a Rational Debate About This’ Molotov Cockatil Wielding Referendum Campaigner
for “They have my children, please!” with his eyes, Prendergast pushed back against the external pressure. “This college was founded on ideas of independent thought and rational thinking. We refuse to acquiesce and blindly follow our allies when there are real concerns about the integrity of this investigation. For one, Russia has not been afforded the opportunity to speak in private to the barely conscious victims of this attack, regardless of the fact that Russia is currently the primary suspect in carrying out the attack, manufactured the poison in question, and are the only State in the world who carries a stock of this poison. Further, no one has considered the financial impact that losing 60 full fee-paying students
would have on our budget.” at this point the Provost began to chomp at the bit. “Do you really think I want another weekend of disheveled postgrads shitting in the fireplace of the Dining Hall? Don’t you think I’ve had enough jars of the GSU President’s piss thrown at my head already?” Prendergast is currently running for a second term as the Provost of Trinity College Dublin amid concerns that he utilised the Strategic Communications firm “Maynooth University Analytica” to harvest personal data from such social networking platforms as Bebo and Kik.
NOTES FROM THE THRONE you stress cry in the stairwell of the Ussher (for better places to cry, see the helpful article in this issue). And what a year it’s been! 5 Pulitzer Prizes. 2 Student Media Awards. 50 Gold Medals at the Winter Olympics. Imagine if we had even one of these. Wow. Maybe then our respective dad’s would be proud of us. Instead we dropped 4 editions of utter tripe on their lap like an untrained puppy urinating on the living room rug. Incidentally, copies of The Piranha
With the referendum on repealing the 8th amendment finally given a date, the time has come for us all to put aside our differences, come together as a society, and drag the other side through the mud like the fucking scum they are. I mean where do they get off? What with their emotive language, selective use of facts, and trotting out minority groups to represent their viewpoint. How craven! We can all see through your charade, nobody is falling for your ‘holierthan-thou’ bullshit. We’re willing and able to have a rational debate, but all you keep doing is screaming at us and saying that we’re the reason for the woes of the country. Have you heard of research? Or evidence? If you did, you’d realise that what you
are very suitable for mopping up said urine, or your tears, as your dad gives a disgruntled sigh and returns to watching his sportsball. This is for you dad. Who could forget when we predicted George Ezra’s appearance at Trinity Ball by conducting 24 hour surveillance on Jonah Craig’s spotify account? Thanks for that one Cambridge Analytica! Or when we *almost* banished the Wicked Witch of Publications (Who knew you need an A1 in Maths to be Pubs
stand for is nothing more than your own selfish interests. And don’t mention the campaign finances! What with all the money flowing in from outside the country in support of that lot, it’s a wonder any of them are still calling this a fair and democratic process. And the columnists! Don’t get me started on the columnists! Using their platform to spread their poisonous viewpoints, and when any of us try to point out the factual inaccuracies in their propaganda, their zealots come flocking and tear us apart! At the end of the day, we just want Ireland to be the best country it can be, and we’ll be damned if any of those little shits from the other side try and stop us in our efforts. This
Treasurer, eh?). But much like your Instagram account after a messy breakup, it is time for The Piranha to perform a purge. An exorcism, if you will. With that in mind, we are delighted to announce that next year, our travelling circus will be headed up by the slightly less jaded Sophie Cassidy and Conor Nevin. We wish them well in their misadventures, and know that they will steer our motley crew of seafaring satirists away from the rocky outcrop of the Junior Dean’s
office, and towards the sandy beaches of multiple Facebook likes. On a slightly more real note (breaking the fourth wall here), it’s been such a privilege heading up The Piranha this year, and hope that we’ve brought you some modicum of entertainment over the past few issues. Peace, love, and clumsy satire, Manus & Tom
referendum could be a peaceful process if they just shut up for one second and actually listened up. But if they think I’m just going to roll over and take their bullshit then they have another thing coming. Roll on the referendum.
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Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
What's Hot // What's Not In The Eyes Of The Duty Librarians
The Library: the beating heart of all things Trinity. The Piranha went straight to the coolest kids on campus, the duty librarians, to get the low down on the latest and the lamest.
NOT HOT Women Women are the new gays, gays are the new straights and straights are the new former colonial overlords. Women have topped the Hot 100 Minorities for the 19th straight month, seeing off heavy competition from people of colour, the trans community and people who think it's acceptable to eat at the Buttery. It's the Despacito of marginalised peoples, the Titanic of put upon sectors of society and it is SO DAMN HOT RIGHT NOW. Trinity Ball Excitement is high for the ball this year and tickets are rarer than a millennial leaving an injustice uncommented upon. Who knew the demand for perennial sad boy/white boy George Ezra was so high? Who is Hannah and what is it she Wants? Jax Jones don’t need Introduction and for some reason the International Movie Database are appearing on the lineup as a heavily misspelled IAMDDB. All this and the groan-inducingly bland return of the only act playing songs you’ll actually recognise - The Trinitones.
People Who Take a Space in the Ussher and Then Return After a Six Hour Lunch to Immediately Take Their Things and Leave This is a Public Service Announcement: to all you bitches who think it's acceptable to take up space in the Ussher when I am trying to creep on the highly attractive man with the dreads and the purple hoodie on Ussher 1, please take your highlighted, colour-coded ringbinders and fuck back off to Sprout where you belong. (Except me, of course. I've spent enough time on Ussher to deserve a plaque in my space when I die) Society Spice Be careful what you wish for. After resting in the doldrums for 12 months, Trinity’s societies decided to step it up a level with a string of sexual harassment claims. Remember when a few thousand euro absent from an account was a scandal? Ah, how naive we were. In the words of Father Ted: is there anything at all to be said for another consensual Hist orgy?
Luas Line to be “F Replaced with Conga Line
eel the rhythm, feel the beat, walk to work, with your feet!” Thus spake the tagline for the newest initiative from Transport for Ireland (TFI), which sees the existing Luas light rail transport system replaced with a gently swaying conga line. The move, the latest in a spate of cost-cutting measures by the transport company, promises to increase passenger safety and enjoyment, by slowing the travel speeds to a leisurely 6km/h, and giving you the rush that only comes from clasping onto the sweaty back of a perfect stranger as you snake your way down Westmoreland St. “With the new Conga line, everyone gets a go at being the driver!” Martin McDonagh, the chairman of TFI enthused during an interview with The Piranha. “Whoever’s at the front of the line will be equipped with a pair of maracas, and will be
responsible for giving them a good shake when arriving or leaving a destination. And don’t forget to announce in Irish!” The new conga lines will follow the existing Luas tracks, except for a the addition of a sinuous undulation, and a risqué kick of the leg every three metres, to entice passers-by into the fray. Regular commuter Richard Brophy expressed his appreciation for the changes when he took a break from the never-ending conga to chat with The Piranha. “It’s great!” He said, sweat dripping from his face after a three-hour commute from Boombridge. “I used to be crushed into a luas compartment like more than cattle. With the new conga line, I’m too busy dancing to think too hard about the grinding monotony of my daily life, or sexless marriage. Plus, it’s
now 10% cheaper!” Similar experiments to change the DART line to a rollerdisco ended in tragedy when an overly-exuberant school group failed to take the corner correctly and plunged into the sea on the Bray - Greystones section of the track.
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Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
I Spent My Entire Trinity Ball in the 5th Circle of Hell and My Only Regret Is Not Hearing George Ezra
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wo years ago in April 2018, I spent a night I’ll never forget. Like many of my peers, I came to Trinity for its scholarly reputation, graduate opportunities, free supplemental exams, and of course - the illustrious Trinity Ball. Fables of black-tie adventures, broken ankles, and drunken kisses filled my head, and I was determined to create some stories of my own. To my extreme disappointment, I did not secure a ticket. Queing for 12 hours outside House 6 rewarded me with an empty
hand and a broken heart. My prospects were bleak. Defeated, I tried to get my Trinity Ball fill the way anyone else would: by scrolling through the University Time’s section on past “T-Balls”. It was there I stumbled upon an article outlining past students’ attempts to sneak in. Inspiration struck. Like Mary Robinson, I would be one of the lucky few that slipped past Noonan Security (“Ye Olde Noonan” as they were in 1964) and into the festive arena of Front Square. But how to achieve this task?
No sooner than I had come up with this thought, and not mentioned it to a single living soul, nor written it down, did an ad appear on my Facebook™ Wall for a Trinity Ball Sneaking In Guide. Elated, I clicked through to http://purgitario.wordpress.com and the rest, as they say, is history. From there it was a classic story: boy reads guide - boy follows guide by drawing a pentagram in sheep's blood and chanting latin phrases boy summons Satanus in a ritual ceremony and offers his soul for the opportunity to at-
How to Buy Your First Yoke Off of Craigslist: A Practical Guide
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t’s here. The social event of your young life. The night that you originally didn’t get a ticket for and then sent death threats to ENTs over (side note: this literally happened). But with new experiences, a big night out, and a desperate need to appear hip and cool to your college friends comes the sudden realisation: you need some class-A narcotics, and you need them now. ‘But zoinks Scoob!’ I hear you cry ‘My midlands upbringing never exposed me to anything harder than sniffing the vapours emanating from a slurry pit, I don’t know where to get drugs!’ Well fear not my countryside companion, The Piranha is here to guide you through your first of hopefully many drug purchases over the internet. Almost guaranteed not to result in your kidneys being stolen in a back-alley! 1. Open an Incognito Tab on Google Chrome Don’t let Mark Zuckerberg (or should that be Mark ZuckerLYTICA!? #StayWoke) steal any more of your precious data. Hit that control+shift+n and descend into the welcome greyscale of the browser you use for watching porn. 2. Learn Some Drugs Lingo (Dringo, as It’s Known in the Biz) The people who sell drugs on Craigslist are professionals, and definitely aren’t preying on your vulnerabilities. As such, they have developed some sophisticated ways of communicating their wares without actually saying what they are. If you’re seeking yokes, be on the lookout for terms like ‘Molly’, ‘Disco Biscuits’ or COKE YOKES XANAX WEED ICE CHARLIE KUSH 24/7 DISCREET DELIVERY’. Dealers pride themselves on their discretion, so keep your eyes peeled!
3. Make Contact Anonymity is key here, unless you want to wake up two weeks after the deal goes down with your dealer standing over your with a rusty knife, and his eyes on your kidneys. Download an anonymous messenger app like Kik, and then set an innocuous nickname, like ‘Johnny McDrugsFace’ or your real name, with the first letter of your first and surname swapped. They’ll never find you now! 4. Arrange to Meet Try to pick somewhere low-key, so as not to arouse suspicion. Some good spots include the cheese counter in Fallon & Byrne, onboard the Viking Splash, or at the enquiries desk in Pearse St. Garda Station (right under their noses - they’ll never suspect a thing!). 5. Dress Appropriately Try not to draw attention to yourself, but also don’t look like you’re trying to not draw attention to yourself too hard. Try to balance an understated piece with something more flamboyant, to throw off suspicion. Think a black hoodie with sequinned, holographic, three-quarter length harem pants. 6. Arrive on Time! Nothing pisses off a dealer more than a lack of punctuality. To be on the safe side, consider camping out at the venue for up to three days prior to the meet. Make sure to pack a tent! 7. Freak Out, Vomit on Yourself From the Nerves, and then Slink Home Dejected Well, at least you tried. There’s always that dodgy kid from Halls. Good luck out there space cowboy xxx.
tend Trinity Ball - boy realises that Satanus never follows through with his promises and that Trinity Ball is actually the Greek name for the 5th Circle of Hell - boy disappears into pentagram never to be seen again on this terrestrial plane. And do you know what? I had a great time. It was warm and dry, they didn’t take away my naggin, and the queue for the toilets was only 5 minutes long. Noone got sick on my Tuxedo and I didn’t have to listen to Trinity Orchestra. Okay, so I didn’t
hear George Ezra. You have me there. The silky tones of Budapest would have certainly helped overpower the noise of 1,000,000 souls being tortured for an eternity. And yes: watching George prance about on stage shaking his hips would have been a much pleasurable sight than seeing my own organs being ripped out by eagles only to have them regenerate the next day and restart the process. There’s always next year I suppose.
5 TIPS TO DEAL WITH LOSING A SOCIETY ELECTION
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GM season has come and gone. Tesco Lagers were consumed and snacks were aplenty. The last drop of €4 Revero has cemented into the bottom of an unwashed CSC glass, to remain there until the end of time. There were winners, and there were a lot more losers. Here at the Piranha we understand that winning isn’t everything, but we also understand that we are only people on campus who understand comedy. Meme pages will die, but satire lives forever. So here are some tips for you losers out there. We hope that someday you’ll be a winner but you probably won’t.
Avoid LinkedIn. All of your friends will be bragging about their new positions there, with photos of the new committee who will be their new lifelong friends, and you do not want to see that.
Accept the Loss. You didn’t deserve to be the Public Relations Officer of a society you’ve only been involved in for two seconds. Those people that you smiled at once probably didn’t vote for you. The sooner that you embrace that, the sooner you can experience true bliss.
Bridie’s @ The George. Most AGM’s take place on a weekday. Where’s free to go out on a weekday? The George is free! Where better to feel loved than the gay man’s Jurassic Park. An old man will probably feel your ass and buy you a drink - but hey: at least you have a free drink?
Embrace the Gained Time. Think of all the time you would have spent having to have responsibilities and think of all the other things you could do instead! You could cry? Or maybe take up a new hobby? We hear that bitcoin is a great way to invest all of your hard earned cash.
Start Your Own Society: If all else fails, kick down the door of the CSC and present them with your petition to start the Feminist Society! You can’t lose an election of your own creation. But just remember, the CSC thinks that respecting women is too political and better handled by an almost all-male SU exec, so be careful!
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Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
A Lesson in Bridge-Burning
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ew things in this world are quite as satisfying as thinking that your opinion matters. Here at The Piranha, nothing gets our dicks hard quite like the sound of our own voice (or ink in this case). Our opinion is the opinion. Our opinion matters, and yours doesn’t. If it did, wouldn’t you have an anonymous and student-funded publication where you can air them? Yeah, thought so. From our lofty position of power we dictate the world according to us, wrapped in the thin film of legitimacy known as “satire”. What is satire, I hear you ask? Of course you don’t know: you don’t write for a satirical newspaper. Broken down for the idiot layperson: it’s poking fun at people for being themselves or doing stupid things. The intent is to offend. The beauty of satire, as divorced from general humor, is that then when people get offended, instead of just say-
ing they can’t handle a fucking joke, you get to lambast them for not knowing what the purpose of satire is. The purpose being whatever we want it to be. For The Piranha, nothing is a bigger crime than giving a shit. If you enjoy student life enough to engage in it, then you are fair game. Caring is for losers, and if you become personally invested in student politics then you are part of the
problem kiddo. Our ideology is apathy. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the left or right of the very narrow spectrum of left we exist on - if you’re trying to get us to change our views
then you suck. Pay no heed to the fact that in order to critique or satirise student life, we ourselves have to get involved in it. That irony is not completely lost on us, and we outlet this internal tension through personal attacks and abstract self-deprecating humour. Our ability to be cynical about student issues is deeply rooted in privilege but we get to pass it off as some unattainable level of enlightenment.
Going after people we don’t know is easy. Going after people we know is surprisingly easy too! The sweet satisfaction we get seeing a fresher glance at the front cover of
an edition as it sits poking out of an Arts Block bin is well worth the prospect of “having to work with [the people we have wronged] in the future.” We thrive on having a loud and unchecked voice.
What is satire, I hear you ask? Of course you don’t know: you don’t write for a satirical newspaper. The University Times exists to “hold college to account”. We exist to settle scores and burn bridges. Journalistic standards? Honey we don’t even have to know facts. We can completely make them up! And boy do we. Sometimes we write stuff that isn’t even based on a segment of truth, it’s based off something we just made up because of who we expect someone to be. The rumour mill has been replaced with the Turbo-Pump Gossip 9000 and we’re behind the driving seat. It’s a paper that teaches its
readers to become lazy and self-satisfied, that praises them for being uncritically accepting of their own biases, and that provides them with an endless buffet of thoughtterminating clichés suitable for shutting down all manner of challenges to their comfort zones. The Piranha is a place where you never have to have your assumptions challenged. It’s a place where you’re always right, you shouldn’t bother to think, and the people asking you to change your mind are annoying pricks who should just shut up and leave you alone. The Piranha is, and always has been, the ultimate Safe Space. And do you know what? If you don’t like it, then you just can’t take a fucking joke.
#IBelieveThemAll: How to Remain Palatable in a Post-Zucc World I’m a simple man. I like lager, chicken fillet rolls, the sweet dulcet tones of Mura Masa. When I came to Trinity I certainly didn’t sign up for the political hellscape I found. I’m here to get a degree in mechanical engineering, play GAA and have fun, but suddenly I’m expected to be a socially conscious, functioning adult with decent morals and well formed opinions. If I’m suspiciously quiet it means I don’t want you to know what I think, but you certainly don’t want to know either. At no point did I ever want to be asked my opinion on Repeal, or the Paddy Jackson case, or anything else for that matter. I have an, at best, skewed interpretation of the facts and I clearly find it hard to conceptualize things outside of my domain of interest. Yet suddenly when I start asking perfectly reasonable questions like “What if she’s a lying slut?” or “Won’t Repeal mean women can threaten men’s babies with termination for ransom?” I’m the bad guy? How does that stack up? You’re offended by a question? So much for the tolerant left! I mean, I’m not saying I think those things, I just think of thinking them. In all honesty, my heart goes out to all the women, and what they have to put up with. The misogyny displayed by we sickening corruptions of masculinity frankly sickens. But ultimately, would it be be any craic
if I said that to the boys over a couple of frosty ones? Probably not. So I’m not going to say it. So don’t try to make me. The key is being flaccid enough for everyone to think you agree with them. Sure, I’ll smile and nod when my housemate Niamh opens a dialogue about the underrepresentation of women in the SU but I’ll smile and nod in a slightly different way when Seamus tells an anecdotal story of a guy on the county minor team who had his reputation dragged through the mud with a false sexual assault accusation. Candidly I’ll smile and nod through just about anything, it’s just who I am at my core. A non-offensive young man. Ultimately, the true key is being above it all: understanding that when you leave college the world is no longer a politically polarized battleground and no one will ever strong arm you into spitting out your political views. This type of drama is reserved for the 3rd-level SJWs and cry hard Burkean “Journalists”. When opinions are so easily weaponised what do you stand to gain by giving them out so freely? Especially when you can save your op-eds for a anonymous student satire publication. Because no one has ever damaged a personal relationship with satire.
The Piranha Want to get involved? Email piranhatcd@gmail.com
Ball Guide, Trinity Term 2018
Wordplay: How A Singular Typo Spurred My Sexual Awakening
I
came from a traditional background to the hallowed grounds of Trinity Halls in Darty. Family values, county minor and “will you shift my mate” are my Holy Trinity. I lived, as many do, oblivious to the excitement I could have been having - stuffing Thai love beads into my one-night-stand. I just wanted to be informed nobody wants to seem like they don’t know what’s going on. You’re handed so many flyers in the Arts block, into your hand and into the bin, simple as. When an aggressive, bustling man dressed in only a Keffiyeh began yelling at me about the state of Israel, I was really at a loss. “You’re condemning Apartheid” he yelled. The salivation encoated me in sheer selfrighteousness. Trembling, I paused. I knew that I couldn’t ignore this deep burning desire anymore. I went home, determined to further expand my mind. After finding Israel on a map I began to delve into the campaign and why I should vote yes. But what was the name of the campaign? BDM? No that makes literally no sense. I felt lost, determined to satisfy my thirst for knowledge, I encountered the google prompt that would change my life.
Twibbons: The New Personality?
Did you mean BDSM? As the Palestinians were struggling for freedom, I began exploring the pleasures of restrictions. The sensation of dominating another human filled me with ecstasy. I finally understood why the Israelis were so keen on it. My dyslexia was finally rewarding me in ways I couldn’t have dreamed about. You have not lived until you’ve had to explain that you’re actually just really into horse-riding to explain the sheer quantities of whips in your room; or that you’re a nasty snorer when they find the 4 ball-gags in your closet. Finally: sex I could enjoy. My first year nights went from a pale blur of “is it in yet?” and “was that good for you,” to the gentle gurglings of a bounded stranger. Who knew the fun you could have fighting international injustice.