The Piranha Vol. 42 Issue 3 - The Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition

COLLECTOR'S EDITION

THE

PIRANHA 003 FEBRUARY 2021

THE PATRICK PRENDERGAST MEMORIAL EDITION

THE PROVOST IS DEAD! ALL HAIL PRENDERGAST!

THE PROVOST HAS RISEN! ALL HAIL OHLMEYER!

Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, February 2021

IN FOCUS

What Next for the Provost?

The honourable Paddy P. is known for his entrepreneurship and we’re sure he’s not going to retire from profit making enterprises when he departs his position later this year. There has been no confirmation about Dr. P’s next venture so we’ve taken to speculation and have compiled a list of possible careers moves for our beloved Provost.

Public Speaking

Perhaps it was at the 'welcome to trinity' bit of orientation that you didn’t need to go to. Maybe you were the entrance scholar from your school, or it was at your virtual graduation. Sooner or later we have all had the opportunity to hear the public speaking skills of Paddy P in action. With the oratory prowess of King George VI and the originality of Melania Trump, we should expect to see PP opening a lyceum in the Rose Garden as soon as covid restrictions allow. Bertie Ahern could never.

Graphic designer

This college generation is too young to remember the rebrand fiasco of 2014 in which the Provost pushed for a more expensive looking logo that only had one mention of ‘Dublin’ in the name of the college. After much back and forth and throwing 100,000 euro at it, a compromise was reached and the double 'Dublin' remained, so long as Paddy could have his pared back, sexier logo.

A few hours borrowing Philly Holme’s brilliant mind/computer, and a quick Youtube Tutorial on GIMP, and we don’t doubt that our man could be scamming other institutions out of hundreds of thousands in no time.

Alternative News Show Radio Host

Not one to be outdone by his subordinates, Provost Prendergast may be cooking up plans to outdo Professor O’Neill’s frequent appearances on the Late Late Show by morphing into Ireland’s answer to Alex Jones.

Prendergast, ever the entrepreneur, is rumoured to have established a private limited company to sell supplements while pushing conspiracy theories. Rumour has it Prendergast has recently had a change of heart against the neoliberal agenda and, combined with the later stages of paranoid schizophrenia, he has started to conflate O'Neill with Covid vaccines. Somehow, he has reasoned that O’Neill is the virus that tainted the last days of his reign. Expect to see Prendergast railing against O’Neill and calling for his arrest and execution in the near future. Hot goss indeed.

Rent-a-dad

There’s certainly a gap in this market that’s begging Paddy P to fill it. Hundreds of SoCoDu BESS bros are just crying out for even the gruffest ‘I’m proud of you, son’ and midlands natives are begging not to be called a sissy for having gone to college. There's something for the girls too! We all want to be spoiled in exchange for our silence regarding some private scandal, and with our lad Paddy… it’s more likely than you think.

Rent-a-daddy Look, we don’t know of any 'Onlyplans' but we’re just saying that if he’s not ready to give up working, and is really willing to put his nose to the Grindrstone, then there’s definitely an appetite amongst the student body that would be easy to...wet.

Patricia Gasterprend announces candidacy in upcoming provost election A new challenger threw her hat into the ring of contenders for the role of Provost this week: previously unknown academic Patricia Gasterprend. The new candidate’s credentials have been called into question by a number of college Board members, who cite questionable aspects of the candidate’s background, including a degree from the University of Wexford, whose only other notable alumnus appears to be former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern.

wig. Their policies are identical!

Are we certain it's not Pat in a wig?" another said. "It's really something he would do, he isn't very bright at all, like not in the slightest, he would definitely think this could work," they added. Others have expressed skepticism that she will even be permitted to run, given that the application deadline was several months ago.

Gasterprend has brushed off such criticisms. “Oh that’s nothing to worry about,” she remarked in a “The university’s mailing noticeably high-pitched voice, address is in the Cayman elaborating that “I have a friend in a Islands, and I can’t find her in very high place. I’m looking forward any public records. It’s like she to continuing the legacy of Patrick, just appeared out of nowhere,” the most handsome provost in one member of Trinity’s faculty Trinity’s history,” Gasterprend remarked. concluded with a wink, a jarringly “If I didn’t know any better I’d deep giggle, and a shake of that say she was the provost in a mighty ass.

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"YOO HOOO! I AM A LADY!"

Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, January 2021

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

This Day in Histor y

1918

The first Catholic Seagull is admitted to Trinity College.

1997

Hugh McInerny is born. The "zoo of the new," held within his quizzical eyes.

He is blissfully unaware he'll grow up to bottle TBall a second time.

2023

Kamala Harris Awarded Honorary Patronage of The Phil for her contribution to #GirlBoss war crimes.

“Since when were engineering students charming and funny?? You’re supposed to be awkward and unable to talk to girls, pls stop making me like you” - Trinder#188, clearly written by the entire student body to a special someone with an engineering degree

“I would literally contract an autoimmune disease if it meant I got the vaccine quicker” - Overheard from a certain SS Economics student who's too flakey to bite the bullet and get tested.

“I run a home in Dublin, in Rosslare and in the Cayman Islands.

You should try it some time” - The Provost, in a leaked memo to the Board, justifies his request for a €50 million retirement package, citing the many necessary expenses associated with his lifestyle.

2055

"6 people is hardly a fairytale number! I'll have to wait until at least level 2, I want it to be legendary!"

- SF Goth kid caught discussing postponement of their attention suicide.

“That’ll do P. That’ll do”

Patrick Prendergast becomes first person to die from Main Character Syndrome.

3050

3

- Trinity’s corporate overlords thank the Provost for his service

“I didn’t even get a fucking goodbye and they’re treating him like an Enniscorthy Gandhi.”

- Samuel Beckett

“Over my decomposed and long-forgotten corpse will a woman be Provost of Trinity >:( ”

Grotesque fox-humanoid hybrids populate the earth, a result of humanity finding those ginger vixens too damn sexy!

- George Salmon’s final diary entry.

“First Kobe and now this? Rest In Power, KING. #blessup.”

-Final Year student stays hip with the kids in his grief over Paddy’s departure.

The Piranha

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

I

n the words of a late graduate of this college, we all partied. If the last ten years have felt like a fever dream of crippling stagnation, reactive pandering and systematic selling-off of the University for scrap metal, it’s because they were. That being said, we’ve always had a soft spot for old Paddy P. He is, after all, the closest most of us will ever have to a father fig-, we mean, academic figurehead that we can truly relate to. While most students currently in college have only caught the tail end of the storm, take it from 2 wizened old-timers: you missed nothing.

As we look forward to a new Hilary Term and the election of a new Provost, we can’t help but be reminded of recent events across the Atlantic. The latest rotation of senile white men was met with much aplomb and celebration, mostly because the new guy wears a blue tie and is a bit more grandfatherly and has Irish ancestors.

So too in Trinity, we eagerly anticipate the thinkpieces and editorials calling this as a historic provostial election, before we are inevitably served a tepid melange of bureaucracy, mysterious philanthropists having glass and steel warehouses built in their name and excuses as to why the student experience has been allowed to atrophy steadily for 10 more years. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

But why should you listen to us? We’re just two old hags graduating into a pandession with no social life, no emigration opportunities and an inbox full of “unfortunately we won’t be progressing with your application”. Maybe Accenture aren’t actually hiring this year? Who knows!

What we do know is that while the outgoing Provost famously has a fondness for this aggressively sub-par publication, he knows better than to listen to what we, the haters, write. Because in the end it’s all supposed to be just a bit of fun. Ultimately, isn’t that what college is supposed to be? A bit of a lark?

Sure, you learn what a partial differential equation is or why the Stanislavsky method is an incomplete theory for dramatising the traumas of 21st century life, but in the end maybe the real college experience was the Movember attempts you made along the way.

Thank you, Patrick, for ten wonderful years of Prendergasms, and for filling this magazine with content when the student body had neither the nerve nor the imagination to give us something to write about. We will miss many things about you, but we won’t get bogged down in sappy melodrama. You have done the college some service, and they know it. Now go to your rest, sweet prince. It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later <3.

PrenderCast a cold eye, on life, on death.

Provost, pass by!

James & Shane x

Editors: James O' Phadráigaisht Johnston Shane PrederGerrupt'fuck Kenneally

Senior writers: Ellen Pootergast Higgins Hugh Pussygast O'Leary

Contributors: Claire Prendigusto Brennan Robert PUPgast Tolan Liam PuffDadaGast Grugan Max Prender-Gak-Gak Wilson Hector Putinagast Wright Eoghan AyyeePapiGast Quinn Niall PrenderDaddyGast Begley The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional,

and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, February 2021

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POETRY & TWEET CORNER As a special tribute to our departing Provost, we asked you the readers to send us your tributes to the man, the myth, and/or the legend in that least loved artform, a poem. While we were inundated with responses, we thought one stood out! Additionally we couldn't help putting together a small collage of all OUR Provost's favourite musings over the years!!

P(D)addy What were you TWEETING!!?!?

Ode to Triple P

by E. Hand Oh! Sage siren of wisdom, With your devilish glinting eye, I wallow in despair As you part us with a sigh.

What magic words you spoke to me At our weekly boardroom affair, What butterflies you brought to me As you tussled with my hair!

I will miss you darling Patrick, I wish to follow where you roam, For as you know I refuse to be In a room with a woman alone.

How do they expect me to meet, A female Provost on a weekly basis?

When my nerves would get as volatile As the daily Covid cases?

Being alone with a woman Just is too intense, So that is why I abide By the policy of Mike Pence.

My Mummy always told me That Eve created sin, So how can I now meet with A she-Devil and her grin?

Oh! Save me Paddy please, Come wrap me in your arms.

Your soft avuncular manliness Could keep me safe from all harms.

I care not who is the Provost, So I will protest to the last, I refuse to obey anyone other Than my beloved, Prendergast.

Trinity Publications gave out to us at the last publications committee meeting because we didn't secure any advertising or sponsorship for The Piranha.

Who in actual fuck would associate their name with us?? ÂŻ\_('o')_/ÂŻ Anyway we said we'd get some advertising in to keep them happy.

Here's a number for a really good Coke dealer. We've changed one digit, so yah have fun guessing!

089 024 6180

Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, January 2021

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What's Hot // What's Not Devilish Gossip From the Pigeon at the Rose Garden Who Stole Your Sandwich and Know's You'll Do Nothin' !!

Did I SAY you could look at me!? If you "Coo Coo Coo" at me one more time I'll shit on your Carharrt I swear t'fuck! I mean it too, if you see someone on campus missing an eye, tell them I said it tasted like cherries and tears.

Right, I'll let you's know what I think of all you flightless pricks, "Coo, Cooo, cOoOOccoooo - Co - co - co...cooooooooo."

HOT STONKS:

Look at all of us usurping the system as Gamestop and DogeCoin surge and Daddy Musk looks set to take us proles to Mars. Let Wall Street fall! The hedge fund managers and investors shall lie naked and bleeding in the streets, alongside the catholic priests and Simon Coveney.

Username: ‘speedytitsgonzales’ from r/WallStreetBets looked me in the face and said “God’s dead,” and I said, “Baby that’s alright with me.” Caesar has unchecked power. Hypatia knows too much. The rich have grown fat and slow, let us catch them! We are changing the world. We are seizing the means of production and spreading the good word through our infographics. Tomorrow is ours, if we all claim but a small piece - St.Brigid's cloak stitched together with a million Revolut stock accounts. What will we do though, when we reap this reward? Will we marvel at our power, and rejoice in our success? Of course! Will we share it evenly across the echelons of society? Doubtful. Will we sit on our big pile of money, giddy and pink like a child fresh out’ the bath? Certainly.

Tut - tut - TUT! It’s not a win unless you’re spreading the love boys, gals and non-binary pals. Buy sustainably, support small businesses, maybe donate to charity too?!

Gasssssss, did we have you there? U lil’ cheeky badger, as if we’d be having you for simps! Take all that precious, sparkly gold that you’ve just won from putting your PUP into magic, digital future money and run for the Cayman islands. Whatsmore, why don’t you invest all of it and buy 6 shares in Pfizer before everyone starts getting “too healthy.” And if you think you heard that from us, you didn’t.

The Vaccine:

Can you imagine it. Can you actually, fucking, picture it. The glorious day in the near future when we’re all just sitting somewhere with our phones in our pockets, listening to ‘talking heads’ and wondering when we’ll see our asthmatic friends again. When suddenly we feel a buzz through our jeans as a notification comes in.

We take our phones out immediately, not because we’re anxious and check them all the time or anything. But more so cause it’s nice to have something to do with our hands rather than picking at the skin around our thumbs. And then we see it, the news; Corona’s over. Life’s back on. Bring cans.

I swear on the lives of the swans of the South Circular Canal that you willllll notttt seeeee meeee. My Mum will be texting me asking where I am, and I won’t reply cause I’ll be out shifting other people’s Ma’s. My Dad will be ringing me and I’ll not hear, cause I’ll be out fighting other people’s Da’s. My brother will try and Facetime me and I won’t pick up cause...cause well we’re not really that close anymore. This will be the summer of love 2.0, fuck the pill, I got the jab! The pubs will run dry, people will dance til their ankles break, campus will smell like actual cum. If you so much as spit on the ground then a fetus will sprout. I won’t have a tooth left in my head by the time the first weekend of freedom is over, and I’ll just smack my gums together and say, “That’s why god made drum n’ bass BABY!!” Manifest the feast of Dionysus that is to come. Put your paws up Little Monsters and tell your dissertation supervisor you’ll send your first draft when you’re back from Chromatica.

RAIN - ON - ME.

NOT Dubai:

I want Aperol spritz in my belly, sunburn on my back and sunscreen acne all red and bumpy up my cheeks. I want to lie on sand covered sheets and feel the exotic thrusts of a chico/a again and again til my overdraft is exceeded and I’ve to escape the airbnb with all the free towels I can pack! I want all of this but I know that such things must wait. We’re all in this together and if Varadkar is willing to logout of his ‘Couple 4 Third’ Grindr profile until the pandemic is over then I can forgo a cheeky getaway to warm places filled with sun, clubs and british men trying to drug me. Therefore I too am devastated by the recent actions of the myriad of ‘influencers’ who have decided to abscond the collective puddle of tears that Ireland has become, in order to go to Dubai??!?! Of all places! How dare they ignore the fact that we’ve all put off our plans for the sake of the greater good!? When all this is over we can finally shrug off this “empathy.” We can once again board comfy flights in our Supreme slides and jet off to the fabulous UAE. You know, that place where it is punishable by death to be Gay, Lesbian or Transgender?? Where all the gorge hotels are built by forced labour? Nah don’t stress too much thinking about it! Hop on a flight for a week away with your Auntie Bridie and give yourselves a lovely break. Maybe she’ll even have a G&T or nine and spill some gossip about her younger days when her and the gals used to bop down to apartheid South Africa for some winter sun.

Trinity Ball Cancellation #2:

My friends, I write this ode to Trinity Ball not as some facetious hope that it might resurrect and slouch limply towards Bethleh...Botany Bay. Rather it is as an epigraph for what is dead and gone. Hugh McInerny sits on his bed in the House 7 penthouse, failed and disheveled. A shaking, shitting dog of a man, who dared to dream...and awoke. `'Woof Woof" Hugh, the wolves are coming.

I digress, this is not solely his doing. The true villain is the plague, not that one, not the false god that has you locked in your brittle houses. No, it is the deep sickness that courses through our age. A culture of sin that has found a nook in Trinity amongst the e-boys and the damned. Our pink campus, filled with fleshy piercings and PrEP in vending machines. Eoin Hand’s grinning face is a smug reminder that we live our lives in defiance of what is holy. We brought this on ourselves. How could you miss sitting under the campanile trying to find a pill you left in your sock, “but which sock!?” Why would you want to be coked off the actual planet at the front row for the Trinitones set eyeing up the gay one? Only to learn they don’t let gays join. Why would you ever wish to be in the dance tent at 4am trying to take selfies with your soon to be ex, who’s actually had the ‘ick’ for months but can’t work up the courage to tell you?

The truth is we’d all go back in an instant if we could. Why wrinkle our noses when the truth is that we all just want to be together, writhing in the filth. It wasn't much, but it was ours. Goodbye TBall we shall see you in Hell.

Welcome to Hell, there never was a heaven.

The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com

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Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, February 2021

Forgotten but Not Gone: The Piranha Looks Back At Some Of The Provost’s Finest Moments 1.

The Time He Started A Cult

This one really doesn’t get discussed enough, does it? But next time you’re in Trinity, keep an eye out for any Sophister students with P-shaped scars on their foreheads. These brandings are the last remnants of Paddy’s P-based cult of 2017, “P-Anon”. The group only spoke in alliteration of Ps; only ate potatoes, peanuts and porridge; and watched “Pitch Perfect” every “Paturday”.

Provost Patrick Prendergast propagated this practice but the party’s popularity performed poorly when the public discovered that their leader’s middle name was Gregory. From there the arse of it started to fall out. One girl lost her contract with Assets cause she had a giant P scored onto her head, and what's worse the lad who did it had a middle name like Gregory. I'm sure you can understand the domino effect of that now. "Gregory" carved a P into your face? Get the hell out?

That's what KPMG would say, and they'd be right. Just like posting racist things on twitter or being a bit toooo into Young Sinn Féin, some things will follow you around even after you leave college, and once the "P-Anon's" knew that then "the jig was sideways." That turn of phrase doesn't make sense, but they said it all the time cause apparently Prendergast does.

2.

The Weird Wrestling References

I’m no big wrestling fan, but it was hard to ignore Paddy P’s constant deep-cut references in his speeches. Every year he welcomed a new batch of Freshers by bellowing: “CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE PROVOST IS COOKING???” When met with a silent Ed Burke theatre, he usually meekly whispered “I’m cooking a fine education and social life,” before ripping off his shirt and presenting himself with a shining gold wrestling belt which he carried around all week. God, that really doesn’t come up a lot in conversation. Or when he tried to convert the tennis courts into a wrestling ring. Or the time he took a year-long sabbatical when he found out that wrestling wasn’t real. Rumour has it that he’s leaving Trinity to start his wrestling career under the secret moniker: “The Professor of Pain''.

3.

When He Ended Mental Illness in 2020

4.

The Time He Became The Only Father Figure I’ve Ever Had

Last year was tough for everyone. Our usual oscillation between manic debauchery and caffeine-fuelled anxious depression was rudely replaced by an interminable slide into crushing isolation. But gone are those days thanks to Paddy P! Ever since that beautiful saviour grew a few salt-and-pepper pubes on his upper lip last Movember, everybody’s mental illness has been permanently cured. Lockdown’s not so bad when you know that the resident of 1 Grafton Street looks like a cartoon predator! We should really appreciate the Provost for his good work. I threw away my antidepressants as soon as I saw his soft, cherubic lips being graced by those delightful grey bristles, and I’m feeling so so so great! Who needs a Lexapro when you’ve got a SexyProv.

Remember that time you came downstairs late at night to get a cup of water and you found your mother curled up on the couch with the Provost watching Gogglebox and giggling with each other? And you realised it was the first time you’d heard your mother laugh since your dad left? And then the Provost tucked you in and made you pancakes the next morning? And then you showed him that you could ride a bike and the two of you went for icecream and chatted about everything and nothing? And you finally knew that everything would be alright? I think that’s an experience every Trinity student has had at least once and we here at The Piranha would like to shine a light on Paddy P’s underappreciated, hands-on approach with students. Also, Paddy, if you’re reading this, Mum said she’s sorry for what happened and hopes you can forgive her for everything. She still thinks about you every night and wants you to know that no man has made her loins quiver like you have. She needs you. I need you. I love you…Dad?

Insurrection in the Arts Block A violent mob of Patrick Prendergast’s supporters descended on the arts block during a protest last Thursday. The display was made in an apparent attempt to disrupt the upcoming election, which will mark the end of Prendergast’s ten-year tenure. The violence came a few days after the provost issued a declaration which described the election as “a fraudulent attempt to cut my time as head of Trinity short, and deprive me of the 30-year rule I am entitled to by the will of the people. The people want this.

The people have told me, overwhelmingly, that they love me and they don’t want me to go #QueenTingz.” Prendergast did not elaborate on who exactly these people were, when asked for comment he simply blocked us.

A leaked Instagram direct message sent to a former treasurer of the CSC, @iLike2Steal, has further fueled suspicion that Prendergast was behind the raid: “When you get to the roof crank some of that Meat Loaf on your glock for me, hoo rah”, the message reads.

"Do Not Go Quietly Into That Great Night"

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Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, January 2021

3 Ways College Should Honour the Prendergast Glory Days 1. Replace the Berkeley golden ball with a nude marble statue Nothing screams “he did a good job” more than a naked Paddy P. A sculpture reminiscent of Michelangelo’s David (Enlarged head, other areas not enlarged) would remind even the most cynical and bitter engineering student that no matter how much they try, they’ll never be the most successful engineering student this college has produced.

2. Replacing

the

Book

of

time as an undergraduate.

Kells

with

Paddy’s Playboy

collection from his

In what would be a bold move, a petition has been started on the newly resurrected Bebo to throw The Book of Kells in the recycling bin outside the arts block and replace it with Paddy’s ‘stash’. The collection of Paddy’s crusty and vintage Playboy mags from the late 80s and early 90s will serve as a reminder that even he, the man who led the College into a new age, was once a sexually curious engineering student. Paddy u Detty DETTY Boi!

3. No.1 Grafton Street becomes a shrine There are rumours doing the rounds that a small portion of 3rd year Theology students have created a fictional religion based around the provost. Sources say that many have given up eating for 10 days in what they are calling a 'Prenderfast' period. The campaign to turn Number 1 Grafton Street into a D1 Mecca is gaining some traction. Preservations of a collection of his toenail clippings, his old pair of specsaver glasses and a cardboard cutout of his moustache are among the items of worship rumoured to be lined up.

Patrick “the Paddy-Wagon” Vows to Get Every Student Laid Before Trinity Monday In a bid to secure his legacy as the 'sickest' Provost in Trinity College’s 429 year history, Patrick Prendergast has made several promises to the wider college community regarding the remainder of his tenure. In a recent 4am statement, released from the beer-soaked couches of the Trinity FM Studio in House 6, the honourable Provost declared that he will henceforth be referred to only as “P-Money.” Adding that he has set a personal goal of having each and every student in the College of Queen Elizabeth “get some” this term.

Speaking to his fellow members of the early-morning sesh, he asked, “have yiz all popped yer cherries?

Ah I bet you have, James, you mad thing… No? Let me make a couple calls.” After the success of this "money shot" of a press release, the Provost has decided that in these dark and desolate times, he knows what students really need. The 'Prendergast Stimulus Package,’ is expected to be rolled out at any

Photography Competition Winner

time between 8pm and 11pm each Friday night of Hilary term, "After the football, and before the Jameson."

Oisín O'Bussaí Recounts The Moments he Took the Winning Picture; "It was every bit as terrifying as it looked.

I saw them approaching and felt my self stood stupefied and transfixed. In that moment, after the camera clicked, all I could think was that if this was how I was to die, then at least it was to be by Prendergast's hand.

At the last moment, as I felt the rush of air from the wings and smelled the punch of dead fish and McDonald's chips from the birds beak I heard Provost Prendergast say; "Whoa Shelob, today is not the day this man dies.

Onwards beast, tonight we dine in Valhalla, KAWW KAWWW EEEKKKK!!!"

I'm glad I had that moment with him, before he flew above the clouds and out of our lives."

Patrick Prendergast Memorial Edition, February 2021

The Piranha Survey!

The Piranha Hits Dublin’s Virulent Streets to Ask the YOU About Paddy P! Q: How has the Provost performed in his decade-long reign?

A:

55%: Audibly creamed their jeans at the mention of the Provost.

28%: “Sorry, I don’t have any change.”

20%: “I don’t know you, please leave me and my family alone!”

7%: Should have murdered more seagulls.

Q: What was Paddy’s greatest achievement?

A:

62%: Maintaining his hairline.

39%: Showing that men can be girl bosses too.

22%: Defeating Ivanna Bacik in a fist fight.

Q: Who should be the next Provost?

A:

33%: Jane “All Fire” Ohlmeyer.

25%: The Perch guy.

23%: “I thought Gerry Adams was in charge of the Provos?”

1%: The Seagull King.

Q: What message would you like to send to Paddy as he saunters off into the sunset?

A: 69%(nice): “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you took all our money :D”

53%: “Where can we find your OnlyFans?”

78%: “I don’t know what the Piranha is but I will call the guards if you don’t stop!

VOX POPULI Pictured: SU to Present Prendergast with MacaroniArt Tribute for Years of Service

Memorial Cut Out