UAD FEBRUARY 2010

!

oved New & Impr

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America

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FEBRUARY 2010

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31 Blake St. Lewiston

782-7113 Call Dan Dumont for your FREE Estimate!

138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

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27 Millett Drive, Auburn • 784-1577 TaylorBrookDental.com

Brave Firefighters

This would be a wonderful world if we showed as much patience in all things as we do in waiting for a fish to bite.

Submitted by Jimbo

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Maine. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

2

& Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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We are celebrating our 15th year!

Okay, our instructors are not really kicking cats, but they are really good with pre-school age children. Our special Little Ninjas program is specifically designed to help teach 4 to 6-year-olds the important qualities of respect, self-control and confidence. Plus, they’ll learn great motor skills and coordination.

Intro to Karate for Kids Karate for Kids 6-12 years 4:30-5:15 & 5:30-6:15 & Adults Feb. 24th Kickboxing for Fitness MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. ~ Author Unknown

If your life takes a turn for the worse, remember that you are the one who is driving!

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA February 2010 Saturday, Feb. 6 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Camp 8609) 607 Lisbon St., Lewiston 4:30pm-6:00pm $4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest Wednesday, Feb. 10 Pop Shoppe Diner Breakfast (Camp 14346) 413 Main St., Lewiston 7:00am - 10:00am $2.50 per Member, $3.50 per Guest Tuesday, Feb. 16 Sam’s (Camp 14437) Market Place Mall, Lewiston Noon - 7:00pm $3.00 per Member, $4.00 per Guest Wednesday, Feb. 24 Yianni’s House of Pizza (Camp 10929) 155 Main St., Paris 11:30am - 1:00pm $4.00 per Member, $5.00 per Guest Thursday, Feb. 25 Village Inn (Camp 10589) High Street, Auburn 4:00pm - 7:00pm $8.00 per Member, $9.00 per Guest Sunday, Feb. 28 Flagship Cinemas (Camp 12907) Lisbon St., Lewiston, Center St. Auburn $4.25 per Member, $5.50 per Guest Wednesday, Jan. 27 Chick-A-Dee (Camp 8609) Lisbon St., Lewiston 4:00-7:00pm $8.00 per Member, $9.00 per Guest Prices and Menu are Subject to Change.

Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday from 9am - 4pm and Friday from 9am – Noon (excluding Holidays).

FMI call 782-1833. _________________________ Auburn Office Activities 783-8804 Tuesday, Feb. 23 Roy’s All Steak Hamburgers Dinner 5 S. Washington St., Auburn 4:00 - 6:00pm $5.00 per adult, Under 10 $2.50 Menu provided with ticket purchase Thursday, Feb. 25 Sam’s Italian Foods Minot Ave., Taylor Brook Mall, Auburn 11:00am - 2:00pm $4.00 per adult, Children $2.75 Menu provided with ticket purchase Saturday, Feb. 27 Rollerdrome - Roller Skating 12 Riverside Dr., Auburn 1:30pm - 4:30pm Adults $2.50, Under 5 $1.50 Tickets may be picked up at MWA, 76 Minot Ave., Auburn, Mon - Thurs from 9:00am to 5:00pm. Or call 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506.

My dog was my only friend. I told my wife that every man needs at least two friends, so she bought me another dog. --Henny Youngman

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally. -- Oscar Wilde

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS

PHONE: 207 FAX: 207

783-7039 777-3898

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

www.UncleAndys.com

FEBRUARY 2010

Staff UNCLE ANDY

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures

Ski Bunny

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

JIMBO

514-0660

Thinking outside of the cubicle

www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Joe & Mike Adkins

Travis Dow Baby Talk

Strange Lawsuits

Marty Dow

A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was

Gun Slinger

Maggie Joyce

false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher.

Heat Seeker

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Introducing Super Saturdays!

15% off Manicures and Pedicures (when booked w/Athena) MENS PACKAGE SAVE $30+

Power peel Sport massage Tired hands treatment $100

ELEMENT DAY SPA 8 Market Square • South Paris • 739-6789 visit our Facebook page or www.elementdayspa.org

r our Watch fo ness ad March M ! ls a e d !

Introducing Athena to our team!

Licensed Nail Technician Athena

Su-Ying Chavez

I live by my principles, and one of my principles is flexibility. -- Everett Dirksen

Only dead fish "go with the flow."

Uncle Andy calls Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my EtchA-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.

You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. ~ Wayne Gretsky It is not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for me.

I need a majority. -- Adlai Stevenson

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE 62 Turner Street (next to the county building) Auburn • 795-4095

AUBURN-LEWISTON

www.alymca.org

United Way of Androscoggin County

YMCA Where You Belong!

Hours: Mon. – Fri. 5:00am-8:30pm; Sat. & Sun. 7:00am-2:00pm

CHILDCARE OPENINGS! YMCA Full Day Childcare: Infant ~ Pre K School Aged: Before & After School

Daisy Garden at St. Mary’s

Geiger School On-Site After School Care

Full Day Childcare: Infant ~ Pre K Contact Kate Hiss @ 753-4832 or email: khiss@stmarysmaine.com

NATIONALLY ACCREDITED CHILDCARE Call the YMCA for more information at 795-4095 or email Lisa Anctil at Lanctil@alymca.org

Lifeguard Certification

Swim Lessons

February 15th - 19th 9:30am - 4:00pm

Ages 6 mo.-Adult Lessons start on March 8th Member Registration begins 2/15, Non-Members beginning 2/22

ING M O C N! O O S

$195 members $235 non-members

Couch to 5k • Advanced Cycling Course Summer Camp sign-ups • T-Ball, Baseball & Softball Instruction Indoor Tennis • Yoga Workshop

BELONG? “We are avid YMCA members and highly recommend it for everyone. We have done the many group exercise classes which include group power, yoga, pilates, group cycle and we even did group groove. The YMCA is helping to us fit and healthy. The instructors are excellent and the staff is outstanding.”

– Dick & Patty Roy

“I’ve been going to the YMCA since I was a kid (Jr. Billiards champion 1955).

Gloria has been doing yoga at the YMCA for years and invited me to come up from the Y fitness center and join her. I love it! We’ve been doing yoga twice a week for about 4 years during my lunch break. It gives me both peace and energy to return to an intense work schedule.”

– Gloria & Robert Limoges

L-R: Hailey Girardin, Barbara Girardin & Alyse Carney

“I feel that it is so important to teach children at an early age that a huge part of health and happiness is keeping physically fit. That’s why the YMCA is perfect for my family.”

– Barbara Girardin

HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE

Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist Once again we teamed up with Uncle Andy’s Digest for an incredible event.

What a turn out!

Nice job, guys!!

Strange Lawsuits A woman dropped some burglar bars on her foot. She claimed that her neighbor, who was helping her carry the bars, had caused the accident.

The neighbor's insurance company offered

to settle the dispute by paying her medical bills, but she refused. She wanted more and sued for damages, including "pain and suffering." The jury took only 17 minutes to unanimously decide that the woman was fully responsible for her own injuries. The innocent neighbor had to pay $4,700 in defense costs. The two are no longer friends.

No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. -- George Coote

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Uncle Andyʼs Boating Adventure Submitted by Maggie Joyce

A politician will always be there when he needs you. -- Ian Walsh

Don’t’ forget about your Valentine!

Women’s & Men’s Silk & Lace Lingerie

This past summer, down on Lake Auburn, Uncle Andy, new to boating was having a problem.

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power he supplied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order: the engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Lingerie Hosiery Shoes Oils Toys Exotic & Fetish Wear Plus size lingerie available

MIDNIGHT BOUTIQUE LINGERIE INC. 571 Main Street, Lewiston • 753-0443 • Hours: Mon. - Sat. 10am - 8pm

www.midnightboutiquelingerie.com

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

Six nights all inclusive at the 4-star rated Reef Playacar Resort & Spa in Mexico Starting at $879 pp Go to some really cool places!

Jane Grant

Running low on faith?

Stop in for a fill-up

www.dragonflytrips.com 888-222-6846

& Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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"I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

The Perfect Caribbean Vacation

Actual church sign:

8

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the goober.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man

Your local Vacation Consultant for personalized vacations

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

turned out to be the village goober.

(plus taxes and fees) Includes air, resort, all meals, all drinks, activities and more!

Departure April 10 Many more resorts and dates to choose from!

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Truth about Tools... HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Under NEW Ownership Taylor Brook Animal Hospital 33 Millett Drive • Auburn Catherine Sanders, D.V.M.

between Minot Ave. & Court St.

Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

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Hours: Mon., Wed., Fri. 8-5; Tues. & Thurs. 7:30-6; Sat 8-noon

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Earn a very competitive income with other perks.

Email resumes to: editor@UncleAndys.com or fax to: 777-3898 or mail to: PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212. No calls, please.

Auburn Mall Eye Care Bring in this ad for...

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

Appointment Required 1 coupon per person Expires 2/28/10

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The hypnotist cured me of my urge of dancing on top of the tables...

DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The Truth about Tools... PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

Uncle Andy on his computer training: It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

Jewelry doesn’t fit? Bring it in and get it sized.

ALL jewelry repairs done in-house by an expert jeweler.

Watch Batteries Replaced • Watch Bands • Ring Sizing • Stone Setting Clasp Replacement • Bead Stringing • Appraisals • Eyeglass Repair

DiamondCut

Jewelers

Lisa

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Always Free Jewelry Cleaning & Inspection Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com

Speedy Mule Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.

"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver, "his tongue's hanging out."

"Which way?" asked Zack.

"Left," his friend said.

"Well, stay in this lane he's about to pass."

"The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out."

-- Thomas Babington Macaulay Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

10 FEBRUARY 2010

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|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __The domino effect at work.

Mindy

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Diamond Snowplows Morrison & Sylvester, Inc. 1175 Minot Ave. • Auburn, ME 04210 207-783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net

The Truth about Tools... HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Soccer Strategy For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices.

I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father.

But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE INSTALL A REMOTE STARTER TODAY!

Hypnotizing anyone in this column would have been a Major event!

Remote starters starting at $159.95 installed!

Remote Starters • Alarms • Car Audio • Boat Audio 625 Washington Street, Auburn • 777-3339 • www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Scott Feldman

The Truth about Tools... PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

I knew you could do it, Travis! Talk about positive thinking.

That’s always been my mantra.

Ron’s had me under his spell ever since we first met...

Travis, I have a premonition.

One day you’ll grow up and become a top salesperson in the company I’m gonna start in 1996.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

12 FEBRUARY 2010

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Little Travis & Uncle Andy

Big Trav & Uncle Andy

circa 1992

February 2010

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE $12,900

$10,900

2005 Saab 9-5 Aero

2004 Audi A6

Auto, Turbo, 49K, Black Heated Leather, Keyless Entry, CD, ABS, Fog Lights, Harman Kardon Audio, Moonroof & more

AWD, Black Leather, Keyless Entry, Auto, Sport Pkg., Bose Audio, Power Seats and Roof

$14,500

$11,800

2005 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited

2006 VW Passat

V8 , AWD, Auto, Tan Leather, CD Changer w/ Bose Audio, Rear DVD Entertainment

2.0T Turbo, Auto, Black Leather, Power Seats, Alloys, Power Roof, Cd Player & Keyless Entry

$13,900

$12,700

Solitary Survival Submitted by Jimbo

A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

2003 GMC Yukon

2006 Ford Escape Limited

V8, 4x4, Auto, Bose Audio, Rear Entertainment, CD & DVD, Tan Leather, Tow Package, All Power Options

4x4 V6, Auto, Black Leather, CD, Keyless Entry, Fog Lights, Like New Condition

We are a full service repair shop Full Vehicle Reconditioning Available 733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

777-0047 • www.laautocompany.com Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE

250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933

Quality service at an affordable price!

We do the work the dealerships do, at an affordable price

Your Community Auto Repair Shop We’re now FEATURING ALIGNMENTS with the newest alignment equipment available!

Just installed and ready to align your vehicle! With two ASE Certified Master Technicians and two Technicians on staff, we can diagnose and fix the reason your vehicle might have a shimmy, pull to the left or to the right, have a steering vibration or many other reasons the alignment might be off. Call us today for an appointment!

Get your alignment done Today!

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

Now is a good time to get your vehicle aligned. Prolong the life of your tires!

• Expert service & highest quality • Accurate diagnosis of problems • Fair & honest quotes • Great customer service

He got me to enjoy snowblowing the driveway. Bring on the snow!

Top 6 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s

• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small • Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service

Jim Hyde

FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S 2006 Harley Davidson Ultra Classic

Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS, AM/FM stereo, extra chrome, 2 windshields

ONLY $19,200

Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A

Mike Morin’s Auto Center 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

For some reason I have a strong dislike for Tic Tac’s ...

A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, “Where did you get all that money?”

“At Sunday school,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

TNJ Auto Sales

1013 Lewiston Road Route 100 • New Gloucester

926-4300

Best time of year to get a great deal, really!

Cars coming in daily some for under $2,000!

Sweetheart Deals on Vans

Lots of SUV’s, Trucks & 4X4’s under $5,000!

February Inventory

"Don't say you don't have enough time.

You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."

2005 Dodge Ram, Gray, 69K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14,495 2005 Mercury Sable, Gray93K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2005 Pontiac Sunfire, Maroon, 69K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2005 Hyundai Sonata, Black, 94K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2005 Suzuki Forenza, Maroon, 91K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,650 2004 Chevy Cavalier, Black, 49K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2004 Kia Spectra, White, 94K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 2003 Ford Focus, Red, 119K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,350 2003 Hyundai Elantra, Black, 103K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,650 2003 Ford Escape, Black, 88K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2002 Dodge Ram 1500, Black, 117K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,995 2001 Chevy Malibu, Gray, 108K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,450 2000 Chevy Impala, Green, 92K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 2000 Ford Focus, Green, 124K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,995 2000 Isuzu Rodeo, Black, 107K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,495 2000 Honda Civic, Green . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,450 1999 Chevy K1500, Gray, 129K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 1998 Chevy Malibu, Green, 77K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,995 1996 Audi A6, Black, 122K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995

-- H. Jackson Brown Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

16 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! – Uncle Andy

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

First Things First Submitted by Jimbo

THIS MONTH’S

2007 JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE LTD

$19,900

SPECIALS $200 American Express Gift Card

13K - Hemi, 4x4, Sunroof, Remote Starter, All the Power Options

with each sale!!

2007 FORD RANGER

$12,900

Extended cab, 4x4, Automatic, 69K, XLT Package, Alloy Wheels, Real Nice Pickup

2006 FORD ESCAPE HYBRID

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783-3390 www.berubesautobody.com The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question.

The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week.

He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question.

You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first.

As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 17

(continued from previous page)

nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

Toyota Center USA!!!

990 Center Street, Auburn • 784-1348 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

18 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001 www.emersontoyota.com Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE Jimboʼs Farm Submitted by Maggie Joyce

Uncle Andy and Travis decided to try farming, neither one had much common sense in the ways of farming. They were told by Jimbo to put the mule in the barn.

When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the muleʼs ears were too long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.

They began cutting and Jimbo walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told JImbo the muleʼs ears were too long to go into the barn, Jimbo said, "Why donʼt you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in."

Uncle Andy and Travis looked at each other and said, "We told you his ears are too long, not his feet!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

20

& Jimbo

JULY 2009 783-7039

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

22 FEBRUARY 2010

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Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

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Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Because Uncle Andy’s Digest is the only rag mag around and you USED to have realistic prices.

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A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.

His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

1st Annual Tom Turner Cancer Benefit Feb 27th, 8:00pm at O’Shea’s Irish Eatery & Pub Tom Turner regrettably passed away on Jan. 22 at age 55, after a long battle with lung and bone cancer. He lived in the LewistonAuburn area his entire life. Tom raised many buildings in the area while working for Gendron & Gendron Construction for close to thirty years, and he was a one-of-a-kind personality... anyone who knew him would agree. He endured a great amount of hardship in his battle with cancer and had the strength to surprise doctors with his enthu- June 3, 1954 - Jan. 21, 2010 siasm and hope that he would get better, right to the very end. He is an inspiration to anyone fighting cancer, and their families because he beat the odds for many months before a tumor developed in his brain. Tom is survived by his loving wife Nancy; mother, a daughter, several grand children and four step-children.

Unfortunately,Tom did not have any life insurance, so this first year's event will help to pay for Tom's final expenses. Every year after, the proceeds will be donated to non-profit charities involved in finding cures, treating and helping victims and families of cancer.

Tom Turner

The Benefit will be held on Feb 27th at O'Shea's Irish Eatery and Pub at 34 Main St. in Auburn. Doors open at 8:00pm. The Matt Fournier Project, Dr. Fat Finger, and Beyond the Fall will be performing at this year's event. There is a $5 admission and any donations to the Turner Family or association helping to fight cancer, would be greatly appreciated.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

Don St. Germain Donʼs Towing & Morris Auto Parts

"Interestingly, Koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long. In a pond Koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches.

Amazingly, when placed in a lake, Koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You are limited by how you see the world."

-- Vince Poscente

Actual church sign: In the dark?

Follow the Son. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About at Sabattus Regional Credit Union

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

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24 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's got everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

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Out & About at Sabattus Regional Credit Union Anne Marie, how do you seem so calm, cool and collected all the time?

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When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

Good morning, Sabattus Regional Credit Union, how may I direct your call?

Ann Marie Mello Uncle Andy envisions a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without their motives being called into question.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

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What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "I'm going fishing" really means..."I'm going to go and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

I advertise with Uncle Andy’s Digest because I get suckered into it!

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26 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

and receive a

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What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "It would take too long to explain" really means....."I have no idea how it works."

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2. Which country makes Panama hats?

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What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "You know how bad my memory is" really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth.

Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

3. From what animal do we get catgut?

4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is Camel's hair brush made from?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

– William Shakespeare 7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a Purple Finch?

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783-3321 www.cassiels.com What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." really means....."No one will ever see us alive again."

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador. (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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(continued from previous page)

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

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10. 30 years of course. 1618 to 1648.

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Because my arm is twisted behind my back!

For the holidays Brownie Troop 1841 of Litchfield was joined by fellow Girl Scouts from Junior Troop 566 to participate in a special holiday community service project followed by a sleepover at their school. The girls spent a fun filled evening stuffing homemade Christmas stockings with goodies to show their appreciation for our dedicated American soldiers stationed overseas. The outpouring of donations from Scout parents was astounding. Even after twenty stockings were stuffed, there was still enough to fill three additional boxes. The evening was a great success, overflowing with civic pride, respect for our troops, and holiday cheer.

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Dan Dumont Armandʼs Auto Body Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

28 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

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Wendy Bellefleur Mike Morinʼs Auto Service Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

The Birthday Girl

What a great way to celebrate our 21st birthdays!

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

It’s hard being sexy!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

30 FEBRUARY 2010

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www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-8856 All things are difficult before they are easy. ~ John Norley

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

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Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Sympathy!

But seriously, I hear from people that they read Uncle Andy’s Digest every month!!

304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon

353-6100 Attention all former customers: come check out my new shop for all your body repairs & paint jobs!

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Phone: 333-3231 1164 Minot Ave. (behind Dealer Worx)

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Dog Rules Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

32 FEBRUARY 2010

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MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Porter

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15 Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without in 2010

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

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Dog News: Human fails in wall climbing drill

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course had a "free lift" rule (this allows golfers to toss balls which land near the rails to the other side).

The woman alleged that because the course allowed a free lift, they were, in effect, acknowledging the rails to be a hazard.

13. Fishing for compliments 14. Throwing your weight around 15. Passing the buck

Dog Rules Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

34 FEBRUARY 2010

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Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."

-- Dutch Proverb

Airport Mistletoe Submitted by Jimbo

PLEASE JOIN US...

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

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Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (continued on next page)

"Want to improve your relationships? See love as a verb rather than as a feeling."

-- Stephen R. Covey

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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(continued from previous page)

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

-- Bill Cosby

(pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Spelling Bee "Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."

(Pause) "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

36 FEBRUARY 2010

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When you come to a fork in the road, take it. – Yogi Berra

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. – Walt Disney

The Cherry Tree Submitted by Jimbo

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These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse.

They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

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The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to punish the two boys and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have (continued on next page)

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

– Henry Ford

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 37

We may affirm absolutely that nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion. – Hegel

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

743-3891

Call us!

No Separating Required!

HARRIS BROS.

eBay@Oxford-Depot.com

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

(continued from previous page)

you two learned your lesson?"

600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

786-0112

Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm Sat 9 am - 3 pm www.gregoryshairstyles.com

Come in before Valentine’s Day to look your best on that special day!

Gift certificates make great gifts for that special someone

Back L to R: Cheryl, Nuria, Tina, Pat, Terry & Kelly.

Middle: Amy & Michael. Front: Linda, Cory & Kathy

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Strange Lawsuits A woman in Israel is suing a TV station and its weatherman for $1,000 after he predicted a sunny day and it rained. The woman claims the forecast caused her to leave home lightly dressed.

As a result, she caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medication and suffered stress.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

38 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

Introducing L/A’s 2 newest restaurants & pubs!

DOORS OPEN AT 5PM FOR DINNER EVENING ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

Irish American Eatery & Pub

$

FE BRUARY SPEC IAL

1 PABSTS ALL THE TIME

Facebook us at OSheas Bar

OPEN 7 DAYS & NIGHTS A WEEK Opening for Lunch Soon!

Sun Acoustic Jam with $1 Pabst Mon $1 Drinks & The Matt Fournier Project Band Tues $2 Tuesdays: $2 Drinks, $2 Burgers Karaoke w/ DJ Robbie T Wed Open Mic Night - $2 Specials - Live Bands Thur Ladies Night - $1 shots, $2 Beers, $3 Drinks Penny Loafer Band w/ DJ Redbone Fri Ladies Night & Dance - Live Entertainment $ 2 Specials Sat 80's Retro Dance Party for the Ladies

Great Food, Friends, Spirits & Entertainment 34 Court St. (Corner of Court & Main St.) Auburn Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. – Will Rogers

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

– George Burns

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Because the Uncle Andy’s Digest family works very closely with our Assisted Home Care family!

Trading Recipes

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

DRUM LESSONS Now accepting students Learn to play THE RIGHT WAY

Student Ruth Choate & Dick Demers

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

Nancy Merrill Assisted Home Care II

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

Mention this ad and your first drum lesson is FREE* *with your first month of lessons

DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING 25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861 • demersdrumschool@hotmail.com

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

– M.K. Gandhi

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair 376-3376 GUITAR HERO

If you want to be a real , put down the video game and learn how to play a REAL GUITAR. We can teach you how!

8 teachers offering lessons in: Guitar, piano, violin, banjo, mandolin, voice, brass and woodwinds Strings & accessories available!

AUTHORIZED

SERVICE CENTER

We service string instruments, amps, brass & woodwinds.

We sell & rent new & used starter packs for guitar and violin.

134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing. – Robert Benchley

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 39

Out & About at Sabattus Regional Credit Union We love our members! All 5,000 of them.

Come join the family!!

Patriotism is easy to understand in America; it means looking out for yourself by looking out for your country. – Calvin Coolidge

Hiring?

Daily Specials A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said.

"We already have all the staff we need."

Mon. Tues.

Fergy Meatball or Meatball w/Cheese Wed. Spaghetti Thurs. Mini Pizza $1 OFF Any Large Pizza Fri. Sat. 2 Ham or Salami Italians Sun. Baked Ziti, Bread & Salad

You’re gonna LOVE these daily specials!

Alexandra granddaughter of Bev at Luiggi’s

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

Diane Labrecque We’ve been serving this community for over 50 years!

to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

Visionary Submitted by Jimbo

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~ Joseph Addison

STILL LOOKING FOR ME? CCURATE CCOUNTING Diane Martin SIGNS: In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.

Socks can eat any place they want."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

40 FEBRUARY 2010

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& Tax Services, P.A. • Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

JASON HALL

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. – Adlai Stevenson

Actually, I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty years. – Monty Hall

Heart of Hope

The Heart of Hope Pendant was created by a local women, Carlene Sperry.

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

– Sir Winston Churchill

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Welcome to the neighborhood Vincent Square residents...

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn, ME (207) 753-0171 (for take-out)

...From your neighbors across the street at Rolly’s Diner!

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

You will find the key to success under the alarm clock. – Benjamin Franklin

20% of the proceeds will go to the Heart of Hope Charitable Fund. A local non-profit fund set up to help women and men who are suffering the effects of cancer and are in financial despair.

The purchase of the pendant can also be in memory of someone who is no longer with us. This is one way to keep them close to your heart.

Ask about having the Heart of Hope Pendant customized in honor of, or in memory of your love one.

To purchase the pendant or any questions please call or stop by Republic Jewelry.

212 Center Street in Auburn. Their phone number is: 784-4444.

Within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and sickness, to riches and poverty, to freedom and to slavery. It is we who control these, and not another.

– Richard Bach Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 41

O’Shea’s Irish Eatery & Pub and Salsa Cantina Mexican Bar & Grille

Owner Joseph Cyr, is proud to introduce two NEW restaurants to the Lewiston Auburn area. Located at the corners of Court and Main Streets in Auburn, you will find a comfortable and casual neighborhood atmosphere where “everyone will know your name.” O’Shea’s Irish Eatery & Pub is across from Gritty McDuff’s and Salsa Cantina Mexican Bar & Grille offer a wide array of cultural fun, friends & spirits.

I am a longstanding Maine Lobsterman and proud of it! I have been involved in restaurants all my life and am very excited to bring a local flair to this long-standing landmark.

We will cater to the 30 and 40 somethings that are interested in a nice place to go relax, have some good portions of casual dining and stay and hear a good acoustic jam and/or dance the night away.

Our efforts will be focused on promoting community-based fundraising and charity benefits. Please come support our Cancer Benefit Concert for Tom Turner on Sat, Feb 27th, hosted by local bands, The Matt Fournier Project, Beyond the Fall and Dr. Fat Finger.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. – Roger Babson

Assisted Home Care would like to take this moment to say,

Great job Sylvia Fish!

Congratulations to Sylvia Fish who is employee of the month for February, 2010. She has been employed with Assisted Home Care’s family since September 13, 2004. Sylvia does mostly private duty and is loved by all she cares for. She is also one who goes above and beyond always picking up the hours others refuse and does so without complaining. Sylvia has a wonderful personality and she has the ability to brighten someone's day with her smile and kind words. Sylvia has multiple requests for return services to facilities and private duties. Keep up the good work! You are appreciated!!

Assisted Home Care For more information visit us at: 550 College Street, Lewiston

783-7375 We service Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Please stop in and join us!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

42

& Jimbo

JULY 2009 783-7039

Age is a number and mine is unlisted. – Anonymous

Definition of Panache (pa•nå•sh): A refined quality of gracefulness, elegance & good taste.

Cindy

ne Christi

Kasey

Elizabe th

Daniel

Kathy

Emily

Michel le

Lynn

Pamper your sweetheart with one of our fabulous spa packages or let her choose with a gift card Package #1 1/2 hour facial & 1/2 hour massage

Package #2 1 hour pedicure & 1 hour massage

Package #3 1 hour facial & 1 hour massage

Package #4 1 hour couples massage

$60

$95

$110

$110

Don’t forget you can always add a cut & color, too!

• Facials • Manicures • Pedicures

• Massage • Artificial Nails • Cuts & Styles

• Colors & Highlights • Waxing • Reflexology

• Arbonne Make-up • Eyelash Tinting • Extensions

782-9009 • 20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

Old age is always 15 years older than I am. – Bernard Baruch

FIND YOUR WAY TO COMMUNITY CREDIT UNION’S MONTH LONG PRESIDENTS’ DAY CELEBRATION!

COMMUNITY CREDIT UNION

Enter to win a GPS

**

with any Auto Loan in the month of February.

For Rates as low as 4.75% APR* for up to 60 months. *APR=Annual Percentage Rate. Rate shown is for 60 months. Payments per $1,000=$18.76. Rates subject to change without notice. Subject to credit approval. **When you finance a vehicle, we will enter you to win a GPS. Many will enter, only 1 will win. Must close loan between 2/1/2010 and 2/27/2010 to be eligible for GPS drawing. Drawing will be held March 3, 2010. Some restrictions may apply. Member eligibility required.

OMG! A photo opp with Jimbo!

LOL!!

FREE IDENTITY THEFT SEMINAR & DINNER When: Tuesday, March 9th at 6:00pm Location: Community Credit Union, 144 Pine St., Lewiston Location subject to change.

Attorney Adrian Kendall will present the 3 D’s of Identity Theft:

DETER - How to prevent it from happening to you DETECT - How to recognize that you’re a victim DEFEND - What to do if you’re a victim

and of fraud e e s a e r c in s th With the eft cases acros th is a identity ry, this t n u o c d state an tend seminar! t T MUS a

SPACE IS LIMITED Register for this FREE seminar by calling Kim Polley at Community Credit Union at 783-2096 ext. 209

Subject to change without notice.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

44 FEBRUARY 2010

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Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them -- a desire, a dream, a vision. – Muhammad Ali

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.

– William Shakespeare

We’ve Moved... But Not Far!

Still at 120 Center Street Plaza in Auburn Now next to VIP Eyes & Tin Tin Buffet

Shipping made easy!

Gippers Scholarship Winners These scholarships are given annually to three students (one each from Lewiston, St. Domʼs and Edward Little) who have participated in an organized sport and excelled in the classroom. The $750 checks are awarded (at a special reception held at Gippers) after completion of the studentʼs first semesters of college. This yearʼs winners are:

Karen Leary

120 Center Street • Auburn

784-9900 www.auburngoinpostal.com

Karen Leary from Edward Little, daughter of Justin and Pam Leary. Karen is attending William & Mary.

Richard Paradis

Richard Paradis from St. Domʼs son of Richard and Donna Paradis, Richard is attending UMO.

SAVE VALUABLE TIME!

Stephanie Gagne

Whether you’re a one-person company or a several hundred-person company, time is an issue.

We guarantee you will save time by reducing the hours spent producing payroll information and preparing payroll registers, quarterly, and year to date payroll reports.

PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com

Stephanie Gagne from Lewiston High School, daughter of Ernie and Patti Gagne. Stephanie is currently attending Rivier College.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 45

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water-bath is to the body. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

MASTER YOUR GREAT

OUTDOORS

™

Mel Cote has now joined the team at Perfect Image Hair and Nail Salon. Mel also works waiting tables at Gippers Sports Grill In Auburn.

She looks forward to helping all her family, friends and clients "beautify" themselves. Stop by and see Mel and all the girls at Perfect Image Salon at 336 Center St Auburn, or call 777-1611 to make an appointment.

Answered Prayer A woman invited some people to dinner.

with Husqvarna

924SBE Snow Thrower

10527SBE Snow Thrower

• Tecumseh L-Head Snow King® engine • 9.0 hp, 24” clearing path • Remote chute rotation control • Electric start Price…$999.95

• Tecumseh L-Head Snow King® engine • 10.5 hp, 27” clearing path • Remote chute rotation control • Power Steering Price…$1,149.95

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

46 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

Professionally Proven Outdoor Power Equipment

MasterYourGreatOutdoors.com VISIT YOUR LOCAL HUSQVARNA DEALER FOR EXPERT ADVICE, SERVICE AND FULL SELECTION.

REGGIE’S SALES AND SERVICE

1334 MINOT AVE. AUBURN ME 04210 207-783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday 7:00am-7:00pm Tuesday and Thursday 7:00am-5:00pm • Saturday 8:00am-3:00pm

Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman.

– Ludwig Van Beethoven

Five Star Tax Service Personal & Commercial

Income Tax Preparation Business Proprietorship Rental Properties Professional & Accurate Reasonable Rates

Call

783-6190 TODAY Home Visitation Available

Ronald Jean

Five Star Tax Service • 27 Cram Avenue, Lewiston • 783-6190

0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances

Invest your INCOME TAX RETURN with us!

For every $100 you spend you’ll receive an additional

$ $

1049

One coupon per customer

$

10 OFF

749

Whirlpool® Front load washers Model: WFW9250WR (Cranberry Red): Help save water, energy and money with this ENERGY STAR® qualified and CEE Tier III washer. Eco cycles provide excellent cleaning on the Heavy Duty and Whitest Whites settings while using even less water & energy. Wash up to 16 pairs of jeans in a single load.

TumbleFresh™ option keeps clothes fresh.

Model: WFW9150WW (White): Help save water, energy and money with this ENERGY STAR® qualified and CEE Tier III washer. Eco cycles provide excellent cleaning on the Heavy Duty setting while using even less water & energy.

Wash up to 16 pairs of jeans in a single load. TumbleFresh™ option keeps clothes fresh.

Maine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & Lewiston

67 Centre Street • Bath, ME 04530 Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963

0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

It’s the best bang for your advertising buck!

The road to a friend's house is never long. – Danish Proverb

YOULY’S RESTAURANT Try our new fajitas – They’re fantastic!

Donna & Dan Briggs

Bring your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day We have the best home-made cooking in town.

Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner Specials Every Day at Super Affordable Prices!

“Try our special award-winning seafood chowder!”

See you soon!

Route 4 • 868 Auburn Road, Turner 225-2323

Reggie Emery Jr. Reggieʼs Sales & Service

What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "It's a guy thing" really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

I advertise because I enjoy Uncle Andy harassing me every month. But just once. Mostly, I wish he would just leave me alone! $ 0 k 3

mily

$

Randy Collin

Fa h or

c 4-pa

ac

10 e

Please help support Project Graduation for Leavitt Area High School

The Cage Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

50 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself. – Frank Crane

$

$10 OFF

5 OFF

Any Purchase of $5 or more!

Ski or Snowboard Tune-up

Sweet Pea Designs

Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.

Wedding Planner * Flower Shoppe

784-0103

940 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 777-1520

To all my ex-wives, I promise to make my payments on time!

$5 OFF 20 Point Inspection • Lube • Oil • Filter

212-8811

11.5 miles from the Chick A Dee Restaurant, next door to Moose Creek Log Homes 2319 Auburn Road • Route 4, Turner • 212-8811

Tues. • Wed. • Thurs. Only

1 OFF

$

Any purchase of $5 or more

Center Street Cafe 9340 Center Street. Auburn

795-7777

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

Oil Change

Normal price $32

Whole Home Generator Package

$

100 OFF

!

YUMMY

SAVE 2 $

1 Large Bean Special

1 quart of beans, 1 pint of cole slaw, 1 bread

$5 (Regular price = $7) Andy’s Baked Beans & Tavern 47 Broad St., Auburn • 782-9044

$

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

00

5. OFF

A product or tanning package of your choice

Hot Stuff

Tanning Salon& Wellness Center 545 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-8900

Limit one per transaction - Expires2/28/10

Ron’s Car & Truck Service

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

Limit one per transaction

Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page

Buy more Save more!

UP TO

20% OFF See page 10 for more information

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

19 Industrial Way, Oxford • 539-9022

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

Ron’s Car & Truck Service Advertise your special discount here!

Call us today at 783-7039.

To all my ex-wives, I promise to make my payments on time!

$25 OFF 4-Wheel Brake Job $15 OFF 2-Wheel Brake Job 212-8811

11.5 miles from the Chick A Dee Restaurant, next door to Moose Creek Log Homes 2319 Auburn Road • Route 4, Turner • 212-8811

Limit one per transaction - Expires 2/28/10

Electrical Systems Of Maine

Out & About at Sabattus Regional Credit Union

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? – Abraham Lincoln

BREAKFAST SPECIALS

Looking for a loan? Our rates will keep you feeling warm and fuzzy all year long.

“All breakfast specials include coffee.”

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am You asked… we listened! A new brand of coffee!

Fresh steak cut and ground daily.

Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast.............$3.55 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.....................$3.55 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.55

5 Washington St., Auburn

THURSDAY: French Toast ......$3.55

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.55

Phone Orders Are Welcome

SUNDAY: French Crepes ........$3.55

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette ..$3.55

Expires 2/28/10

$

1 OFF Any Purchase of $500 or more 1 coupon per order

Prices do not include tax.

Lisa Hinkley

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Amy Lauze Dog Rules Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

Banquet & Function Room For quality banquets & functions at prices that won’t break the bank...

• Business Meetings • Receptions • Parties • Anniversaries

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. – Plato

& Jimbo

52 FEBRUARY 2010

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Think Gippers!

If you have it [Love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have. – Sir James M. Barrie

Out & About at Sabattus Regional Credit Union

That’s a great looking ad to my right!

George and Abe would be proud!!

Anne Lachance & Michelle Firczak

Insulting Submitted by Travis Dow

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

Actual church sign: When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – Henry Louis Mencken

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 53

Service Glitch A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not been in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he remembered it. He went up to the counter and asked the man about a pair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair almost 20 years ago.

"One minute. I'll check." replied the man. A few minutes later, the repair man came back.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. – Zig Ziglar

Auburn Exchange Club’s 34th Annual Twin Cities

GUN SHOW

"Well..." asked the man.

"They'll be ready Tuesday."

SAT. MARCH 27th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 28th 9-3

Shhh...

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

54 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

at the

Lewiston Armory Central Ave., Lewiston

Dealers from throughout d New Englan

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS

Admission: Adults: $7 Children under 12: Free with adult Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

– Franklin P. Jones

Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too. – Thomas Fuller

ATTENTION LANDLORDS & PROPERTY MANAGERS

How many months have your problem tenants cost you?

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

I sold an ‘06 Dodge Ram straight out of our ad. Plus we like looking at the pictures every month.

Uncle Andy’s Digest is a great advertising vehicle and I recommend it to everyone!

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS 207-577-6000 www.mmdrugscreening.com

Imagination is more important than knowledge. – Albert Einstein The Truth about Tools... TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Hope Raymond Old Mill Auto

It’s so informative!

Flowers are always a safe bet!

Your sweetheart deserves the best.

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

www.annsflower.com

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination. – Voltaire

Emily Crafts Lewiston MAINEiacs Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 55

Co-Pilots

Alien

Love is a friendship set to music. – E. Joseph Cossman

Submitted by Travis Dow

Uncle Andy and Jimbo just coming off flight training are trying to land their airplane.

They start descending and as they touch the ground Jimbo screams to Uncle Andy, "Pull up, the runway is ending!"

Uncle Andy swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.

They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Jimbo screams again "Get the plane up, the runway is ending!!"

Uncle Andy swiftly gets the plane back up in the air...They make a big turn and start descending again...This goes on again and again...

During their fourth descent Jimbo says: "This is so stupid, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runway."

"I know," answers Uncle Andy, "but look how wide they made it."

Thanks for picking us up!

SIGNS: Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

56 FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039

EARN 10% MORE in February

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

with any amount of bottles with this coupon

Open 7 Days 9am - 5pm

Mechanic Falls Redemption 128 Lewiston Street • McFalls • 345-3765

Richard Conway

Support local business. Use our advertisers!

Full Foil & Cut

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide.

"What planet is he from?"

Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

only

*

$59

Limited Time Offer.

Very long hair may be additional. *New clients onlynot visited in the past year.

Visit

www.OrbitHair.com to book your appointment online

Anyone reading this will have an uncontrollable urge to call Uncle Andy’s Digest to buy an ad!

I already did!

Take a look at page 7!!

or call

782-9046 ORBIT HAIR STYLING 124 Ash St. Lewiston

Did you hear about that new pirate movie? It’s rated Arrggh!

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life. – Lord Byron

The journey is the reward. – Chinese Proverb

Effective February 1, 2010

Office Rentals

ANOTHER NEW DAY

at 646 Main Street in Lewiston

will be located at 646 Main Street in Lewiston

Affordable location for small and micro businesses • Easy to find on Main St. • Lots of parking • Handicap accessible for 1st floor units

Call Nancy for more info 212-3305 Nancy Callahan State Licensed & Nationally Certified Massage Therapist

Biker Don Robitaille (78 years young) is anticipating another solo cross country bicycle trek. This time from St. Augustine, FL to San Diego, CA starting this March. In 2001, Don cycled solo from Bar Harbor, ME to Seattle, WA. A 5,000 mile trip lasting three months.

As of the fall of 2009, Biker Don has logged 100,000 miles on his faithful TREK bicycle. All since he retired 20 years ago!

• Sprinkler system • Utilities included • Call Nancy for a tour

Callahan Property Management, LLC

207-619-2519

LIFE IS GOOD! Biking cross country with my favorite reading material makes it all worthwhile!

Actual church sign: Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Because Uncle Andy is a pain in the butt and doesn’t take no for an answer. But he stands behind his work!

Biker Don

Ann Berube “BORN IN BROOKLYN… RAISED IN MAINE”

Happy Valentine’s Day Share a Heidi’s Sandwich With Someone You Love Come into Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli Now Through February 14th… Buy One Sandwich…

Get the 2nd Sandwich at Half Price… *This Valentine’s special is not available on wraps or half sandwiches and cannot be combined with other offers.

Berubeʼs Auto Body

When I step onto the court, I don't have to think about anything.

If I have a problem off the court, I find that after I play, my mind is clearer and I can come up with a better solution. It's like therapy. It relaxes me and allows me to solve problems.

600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Friday’s) 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

– Michael Jordan

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.

– Maya Angelou

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

I advertise with Uncle Andy's Digest because they have great prices and they reach a lot of people which helps us stay connected to the community... every one is always anxiously awaiting the next issue.

If music be the food of love, play on. – Shakespeare

Tuesday & Thursday Specials!

9pm-Midnight Well Drinks

$ 00

4

Don’t forget! Jello Shots Always $1 Any Domestic

$ 00

2

69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287 Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am

Can’t find me? I’m at Rowe Auburn.

Come check out our pre-owned Kia’s, VW’s, Hyundai’s and Mazda’s. You’ve got to check out the new Kia Sorento.

I bought one and I love it!

Don Hamel

699-707 Center St., Auburn • 1-800-339-7693 or 784-2321

Darcy Ames Perfect Image Salon owner Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

A salt water tank with marine fish is colorful, exciting and will last for years to come!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies •

Nurse: No change yet.

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

– Arnold H. Glasgow

& Jimbo

58 FEBRUARY 2010

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After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

– Aldous Huxley

Sunday Morning Brunch Full menu available along with A la Carte breakfast selections.

10am to 2pm

Kimberly Polley

782-2088 150 Mill Street Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

– Victor Hugo

NEXT DAY DELIVERY SERVICE IN L/A AREA! SELECTION Stop waiting in line at the Big Box stores for paper and janitorial supplies!

EXPERTISE Justyour call in your order...it’s that SIMPLE!!

ROLL TOWELS - ALL TYPES Bathroom Tissue, Trash Liners, Plates, Cups, Napkins, ETC. Cleaning Chemicals & Janitorial Supplies

No Minimum Order

GOODMAN WIPER & PAPER

120 Mill St., Auburn 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com

There is still no cure for the common birthday. – John Glenn

Community Credit Union is pleased to announce that Kimberly has received her certificate as a CUNA Certified Financial Counselor.

In receiving this Certification, Polley has completed a comprehensive training program designed to provide financial counseling skills that will allow her to better assist individuals in achieving their financial goals.

Kimberly is the Operations Supervisor for Community Credit Union and has been employed there for the last 4 ½ years. She is a graduate of the Androscoggin Leadership Development Institute and has completed several Credit Union courses. She is also enrolled at Central Maine Community College in Auburn pursuing a degree in business. Polley is involved in the community serving as Treasurer for Androscoggin Habitat for Humanity and as a volunteer on the community involvement committee with YPLAA (Young Professionals of the Lewiston-Auburn Area). She resides in Auburn with her husband Dave.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Friends in High Places

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!

– Lucy from Peanuts

Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy was bragging to his boss, Jimbo one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.

Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Don’t forget your special someone on

Valentine’s Day!

Tired of his boasting, Jimbo called his bluff, "OK, Uncle Andy how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Uncle Andy and Jimbo fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Uncle Andy! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Jimbo is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Uncle Andy that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Uncle Andy says.

"President Obama," JImbo quickly retorts.

Necklaces • Bracelets • Rings • Charms Chamilia Beads • Diamonds • Watches • & More

"Yes," Uncle Andy says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Uncle Andy on the tour and motions him and Jimbo over, saying, "Uncle Andy, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's

daysjewelers.com In Auburn: 600 Center Street ~ Shaw’s Plaza 207-784-6766

(continued on next page)

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The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE! – Terry Moore

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process... It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? – Unknown

WOOD PELLET SALE! $

239/ton 100% Maine Wood Pellets

$ave on heating costs

Call Today!

Environmentally Friendly

(continued from previous page)

have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, Jimbo is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Uncle Andy, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," Jimbo replies.

"Sure!" says Uncle Andy.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Uncle Andy and Jimbo are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Uncle Andy says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Uncle Andy emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

We Specialize in: • Commercial/Industrial & Residential Electrical Installations • Infrared Thermal Imaging to detect potential problems

But by the time Uncle Andy returns, he finds that Jimbo has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to Jimbo’s side, Uncle Andy asks him, "What happened?"

• Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed • Generator installation • Automated systems & controls • Telephone & computer wiring • Engineering/Design build

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Jimbo looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Uncle Andy?'"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Out & About with Uncle Andy’s Digest at Club Texas with the “R” Rated Hypnotist

Great party, guys!

You see things; and you say 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?' – George Bernard Shaw

Buy 1 pair Get 19 off 2nd pair

SINGLE VISION GLASSES* Only

$

59

$

1st pair

Includes Complete Frame & Lens

$

40

2nd pair

*value line frames

Now accepting most major insurances 120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

Vision at a Value

www.vipeyes.info

783-4226

DJ B-Set Inch by inch, life's a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard. ~ Unknown

Time to relax and enjoy!

See us every morning for hot Carrabassett coffee & Lattés, breakfast sandwiches, bagels & warm muffins!

Hey Adam, don’t you think Travis is a Waldo?

Live Entertainment 84 Court St, Auburn www.hollysown.com

333-3041 Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00 Sat. 11:00-10:00

No comment!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Sat. Feb 6 Sat. Feb 13 Thu. Feb 18 Sat. Feb 20 Fri. Feb 26

Enjoy a Martini or Bailey’s Irish coffee by the nice warm & cozy fireplace.

REMO Chad Porter Valentine’s Party 3 Point Jazz Phillip Kane (classical guitarist)

Carole Wise

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs

Breakfast, lunch & dinner.

All right here!

Holly Mireault, Owner

To love what you do and feel that it matters – how could anything be more fun? ~ Katharine Graham

When we have done our best, we should wait the result in peace. ~ J. Lubbock

ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS

This is my first time in Uncle Andy’s Digest! I think I could get used to this!

Be Clean & Be GREEN!

We’re budget friendly and offer free estimates!

Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products

www.KandLGreenClean.com

K+L GREEN CLEAN 577-8725 "Helping the environment one job at a time"

OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. – Richard Bach

Hot Stuff Tanning Salon & Wellness Center 545 Minot Avenue, Auburn

784-8900

Also, see our $ saving coupon on page 50.

Irish American Eatery & Pub 34 Court St., Auburn

Ice Luge • 2 DJ’s!

Come see the Snow Bunnies!

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ~ Abraham Lincoln

30 minute Massage & Pedicure

$

55

FEBRUARY SPECIALS

Pedicure

"Do I look stupid to you?!"

25 Tiffany LMT

Hair Studio 782-3848

"You're going out to play golf again?"

Deweyʼs wife complained.

"I'm only doing it under doctors orders."

$

1117 Center Street, Auburn

Sophie Marston

Christine Owner/stylist

Alicia Stylist

Hair Nails Massage www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com

Actual church sign: Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!

"But itʼs true," he said, while walking out the door. "Dr. Wilson told me specifically that I should get some iron every day."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Meet the Inverness Snow Person

Actual church sign: Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

Born and raised (on 1/9/10) in Inverness, Florida.

NO COVER - LIVE BANDS

With the recent freezing temps and snow in Florida, Jimmy built me in honor of all his family and friends back home in Maine.

Call for band schedule Enjoy the games on our Large Screen TV!

Everyday Deli Specials

97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668 Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Submitte d by Jim Born & my Ben raised in son Mechan ic Falls, M E

Our ad gets the necessary attention in Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Zack, John & Robert City Side Grill

LOVE IS IN THE AIR 30

Gift Cards available for your SWEETHEART!

2 Packs

The choice is yours!

ppy Ha ine’s ent Val ay!

D

Stop in at Kutters Korner today!

Kelly Giambra

786-4311 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

64 FEBRUARY 2010

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Lysa Ronan

Paula Tantillo

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch

Lisa Olmstead

Ann Dumais

Pauline Guimond

Valerie Kelshaw

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Glymed Skin Care Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm Products Available

Actual church sign: This is a CH_ _ CH What is missing? UR

Sometimes our candle goes out, but is blown into flame by an encounter with another human being. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Out ‘n About with “Miami Mike”

CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!

We Buy, Sell & Trade Buying small & large firearm collections Check us out!

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

BRING IN YOUR VINTAGE GUITAR, AMP OR DRUMSET FOR A FREE APPRAISAL You may have a hidden treasure sitting in your attic, closet or basement!

Buy • Sell • Trade • Vintage Instruments Full Line of Accessories • We LOVE Trades!

We’re paying cash!

Low Overhead Means Great Savings!

10 Switzerland Rd. • Lewiston (Across from L-A Harley)

576-5412 • grittys@adelphia.net Hours: Mon.-Thu. Noon-8pm • Sat. 10-5 • Call for Sunday Hours

Home of the Double Yolker

Randy Donovan

Open 7 Days 6am-2pm DAILY SPECIALS Breakfast & Lunch WALL OF FAME

& Bakery

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 The key is not to prioritize what's on the schedule, but to schedule your priorities. ~ Stephen Covey

Good Day! Let me introduce myself. My name is Michael Pullen, better known as simply Pullen or perhaps even “Miami Mike.”

I grew up in the Auburn/ Lewiston area and currently reside in South Florida. Growing up in the great state of Maine and moving away to chase a dream has left me with a void.

In the years I have spent in SoFlow, I keep thinking about “Maine, the way life should be.” I have grown to miss many amenities that Maineiacs take for granted. One of these luxuries I cannot live without is this here ’ole Uncle Andy's Digest. I felt compelled to bring this magnificent literary publication throughout the South Florida region and report back to the loyal readers of Maine. After some serious arm-twisting of the wonderful Uncle Andy's staff, they have agreed to let me share my Uncle Andy's shenanigans with you. I started off in Portland, ME at a Red Claws basketball game, and if you haven't been down to the Portland Expo to check them out, I highly recommend it to everyone... it's a great time. I hope you like this article and look for it next month. If you don’t like it, turn the page. Its Uncle Andy's and there is something worth checking out on the next page. Feel free to email me your comments and story ideas to uruguayo21@aol.com.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Old School

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

Stop by and treat your feet with my February special!

Jessica Hall

$

99

19

Every Wed. & Sat.

Spa Pedicure with Jessica FEBRUARY ONLY A Paul Mitchell Color Salon

in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202 • www.davanti-salon.com Hours: Tues - Fri. 10-6 • Saturday 10-4 (closed Sun. & Mon.) • Appointments Appreciated • Walk-Ins Welcome

Cain’s Quest

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. ~ Henry Ford

Snowmobile Endurance Race March 13th-20th A 1,200 mile snowmobile trek through the rugged wilderness of Labrador, Canada. Teams of 2 riders race day and night guided by GPS and driven by Team D.S.N. Lance Robinson & Kevin Norcross determination and will. Sub-zero temperatures, unpredictable weather, mechanical failures and rugged terrain... Cain’s Quest is what extreme racing is all about.

Team D.S.N. was created after the sudden passing of David Norcross. Dave & Kevin had planned on doing this race together. Thinking the race wouldn’t happen, Kevin was approached by Dave’s good friend, Lance Robinson, who said, “Let’s do this thing!”

Team D.S.N. is looking for sponsors to help defer costs. This race will be shown on ESPN2. A great way for your business to get some great exposure through sponsorship on their sleds, trailers, helmets, etc. Contact Lance at 576-6273 or Kevin at 576-1626 for more info.

Kevin and Lance are going back for a second chance with new sleds, bigger crew and more expenses. They are asking local businesses for their help and support in this endeavor. If you’d like to donate, please send to address below. Thank you!

Team DSN 28 Oak Lane Oxford, ME 04270 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly

www.colefarms.com A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray, Maine JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

Hours: Monday-Thursday 6 am – 9 pm; Friday 6 am – 9:30 pm Saturday 6 am – 9:30 pm; Sunday 6 am – 9 pm

MORE THAN 60 DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM!

Like many other co-workers, I’ve been here a long time. That’s why the food is just as delicious today as it was 5 or even 20 years ago!

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich Served from 10:30-3:30

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . .$8.95 w/Potatoes, Peas, Squash, Stuffing, Gravy & Rolls

Tuesday Yankee Pot Roast$7.95 w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls

Wednesday Chicken Pot Pie . .$6.75 w/Potato & Rolls

Thursday -

Pam Heffernan Breakfast Cook & Prep Cook

BREAKFAST BUFFET SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Served from 7am-10:30am Adults . . . . . .$6.50 6 & under . . .$3.50

New England Boiled Dinner $8.95 w/Corned beef, Potato, Cabbage, Carrots, Turnip, Beets & Roll

Straight From The Top Submitted by Travis Dow

A little boy, who wanted $100 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.

Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.

Friday - Lasagna . . .$8.75 w/Salad & Rolls

Sunday - Roast Pork$8.75 w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday & Saturday -

After 4:00 PM

Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

"Here's your problem," says the doctor to Travis.

"This baby's in serious need of a diaper change."

Looking baffled, Travis replies, "But the package says it's good for 8 to 10 pounds!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Dog Breeding Made Absurd: Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Because Uncle Andy pressures the heck out of us!

111 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 782-4104 Office Protocol at Uncle Andy’s Digest

If it is the boss, look busy.

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly.

If it is handwritten, type it.

Brian Caron

If it clanks, call the repairman.

If it is typed, copy it.

Caronʼs Body Shop

If it whistles, ignore it.

If it is copied, file it.

Potty Break

If it is a friend, take a break.

If it is Friday, forget it!

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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If it talks, take notes.

DAILY SPECIALS

Mondays: Ham or Turkey Italians with lettuce & tomato...............................$3.99 Tuesdays: Fried BBQ Chicken wrap .......$3.99 (add Fries for $1 more) Wednesdays: Pizza Day! Small Cheese or Pepperoni.......................$3.99 Thursdays: Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla ..$3.99 Fridays: Bocce Burrito..............................$3.99 Fresh Haddock Fish-n-Chips....................$7.99

SUPER BOWL PARTY

$25

Limited to the first 20 people

Includes: Appetizer Dessert Spaghetti Dinner 2 Beverages

LIVE MUSIC Fri. Feb. 5th . . . . . .4 Play Sat. Feb. 13th . . . .WAPS

1st Anniversary February 13th

Specials All Day $1.50 Bud Select pint 1/2 price Nachos All Day Well Seabreeze $4.00

MONDAYS & TUESDAYS Chicken Tenders & Wings 50¢ each $2.00 Domestic bottled beer

30 Lowell Street, Lewiston

312-5100 Actual church sign: If you canʼt sleep, donʼt count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Actual church sign: How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?

Look who turned 29 again!

Super Bowl Sunday a t 1/2 off (Limited Appetizersmenu) Sweet & Sour Kielbasa $3.99 Black & Blue burger w/fries $5.99 Bowl of Award Winning Chili w/ Nacho’s chips $3.99

February 7th We’re open ‘til 5pm

$2 Domestic Bottle Beer $5 Jager Bombs

Kick off Weekend with THATCHER’S and Prizesw&ays Give-a

$2.50

$2.00 6-8:30pm

25 oz. Draft

Bottles

Saturday, Feb. 13th

Kathy Buckingham had a birthday party recently put on by her sister, Bridget from The Hairem. They celebrated at DaVinciʼs and she got a nice bracelet from Dayʼs Jewelers! Then to top it off was paid a visit

by Harry Potter who put a spell on her!

Kathy, may vos usquequaque exsisto tener animi*

Saturday, Feb.14th 3 Course Meal

Chicken Cordon Bleu

Choice of Entree Steak Marsala

Haddock Florentine 2 Sides (5 to choose from) Free Dessert

with side salad

Brownie Sundae

$12.99 Hours: Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9 pm • Sun. 11am - 5 pm

782-2135

Actual church sign: Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

*Latin for: May you always be young at heart!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 69

FREE IDENTITY THEFT SEMINAR & DINNER Date: Tuesday, March 9th Time: 6:00pm Location: Community CU 144 Pine St., Lewiston

What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "I don't need to read the instructions" really means....."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Location subject to change

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

Selection of

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Fenton

Selective Hard Covers $2

Glassware!

$

Attorney Adrian Kendall will present the 3 D’s of Identity Theft:

20 OFF

DETER

(books on tape & CD)

How to prevent it from happening to you

DETECT How to recognize that you’re a victim

DEFEND

Large

%

all Audio Books Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Inventory Reduction Sale 20% - 70% OFF

What to do if you’re a victim aud and ase of fr s the re c in e With th eft cases acros a th , this is identity country inar! d n a te m sta ttend se MUST a

SPACE IS LIMITED Register for this FREE seminar by calling Kim Polley at Community Credit Union at 783-2096 ext. 209

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

70 FEBRUARY 2010

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What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" really means....."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!

The Perfect Place to Dine any time of the day!

784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

WHAT’S IT WORTH?

Curious about that painting, bird carving or coins that have been in the family for years?

$

5 per item

with a 3 item limit per family Proceeds to benefit the Mechanic Falls Historical Society

Submitted by Jimbo

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window saying:

Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm

Antiques

Help Wanted

Bring it to the: Antique, Heirloom & Collectible Roadside Attraction April 24th • 9:00am - Noon

Fundraiser for the Mechanic Falls Historical Society March 6th

al with Profession nd! ha on s er Apprais

Coming May 8th 6:30 - 8:00pm

Roastbeef Supper 5-6pm

Coffee House with live Blue Grass music

Call for more info

Call for more info

Congregational Hall (formally The Congo Church) 64 Elm Street, Mechanic Falls FMI contact Eriks Petersons 345-3134 or Matt Gary 740-0040 or email nepesons@myfairpoint.net

Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn 784-0103

February Special

50% OFF Left over equipment and

Huge Savings

on 2010 equipment

$10 OFF

Ski or Snowboard Tune-up See our money saving coupon on page 50.

Expires 2/28/10

Stop in for the best products and service in town

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden Retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I canʼt hire you.

The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The man(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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(continued from previous page)

ager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* canʼt give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Doctors and scientists said that breaking the four-minute mile was impossible, that one would die in the attempt. Thus, when I got up from the track after collapsing at the finish line, I figured I was dead.

– Roger Bannister (After becoming the first person to break the four-minute mile, 1952) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

72 FEBRUARY 2010

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Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. – Uncle Andy

Use your tax refund wisely…

There is no better investment than a new kitchen or bath

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550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Calling Mom Submitted by Maggie Joyce

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353 Riverside Drive • Auburn, ME 04210 • 800-607-1990 / 207-783-3881

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and Iʼm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because Iʼm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dadʼs car has a flat but itʼs not my fault. Honest! I donʼt know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater.

Please donʼt be mad, okay?"

Since I donʼt have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

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"Iʼm sorry dear," I replied, "but youʼve reached the wrong number. I donʼt have a daughter named Susan."

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"Wow, Mom," the young womanʼs voice replied, "I didnʼt think youʼd be this mad."

SHOWROOM 995 Center Street, Auburn Phone: 786-5556 • Fax: 786-5557 www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. – Uncle Andy

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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You know youʼre getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Proper Motivation

RESTAURANT

Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Thatcher’s in Windham!

892-9922

Now located at 907 Roosevelt Trail Easy on the pocketbook Great for the whole family Full menu always available

Submitted by Travis Dow

One day Uncle Andy was hiking up to an old camp. There was an outhouse along the way, so he went up to it and accidentally dropped a quarter down the hole. He was very upset about this and threw his whole wallet down into the hole.

Jimbo who was also hiking saw him throw his wallet down in the outhouse hole and asked, "Hey Uncle Andy, what did you do that for?"

Uncle Andy replied, "You didn't think I would go down there for just a quarter did you?"

"If doubt is challenging you and you do not act, doubts will grow. Challenge the doubts with action and you will grow. Doubt and action are incompatible."

-- John Kanary Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

74 FEBRUARY 2010

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Bring your Sweetie to Thatcher’s!

Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm

Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners

Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere

Windham/Raymond Adult Education CLASSES BEGIN THROUGHOUT THE MONTH! OVER 100 COURSES STILL TO CHOOSE FROM! Basic Literacy/Tutoring Personal Enrichment Business Training/Planning • Arts & Crafts Career Advising • Exercise, Health and Wellness College Connections/Transitions/Placement Testing • Personal Finance Computer Classes - All Levels • Family Life English for Speakers of Other Languages • Music and Dance High School Completion/GED • Trips Job Training and Retraining Math and Reading Tutoring

Call 892-1819 FMI or check out our complete listing of courses at:

www.windham.maineadulted.org Helping Central Maine with all its electrical needs

Need an experienced, Licensed Electrician?

Look no further!

Chris Summers, owner

Wiring Upgrades • New Construction • Commercial Accounts • Sound Systems Generator Wiring • Lighting Upgrades • Problem Diagnosis • Voice & Data • And More!

Free estimates • Fully insured • 14 years experience Call 577-8476 for great pricing! • centralmaineelectrician.com

A penny saved is a government oversight.

ICE FISHING HEADQUARTERS! Live Bait • Traps • Augers • Bait Buckets and MORE!

Sebago Ice Fishing Derby

Shiners

(Feb. 20th & 21st)

Suckers

GET YOUR BAIT & SUPPLIES HERE!

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Advertising in Uncle Andy’s Digest is like taking care of your parents in a nursing home. You know you can’t afford it, but you can’t say no!

Smelt

Open Friday Feb. 19th til 8:00 PM Sat. 20th & Sun. 21st Open at 4:00 AM

Artificial Bait Airplane Jigs Bucktails

Denis 1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030

Sherm Arnolds

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Everyone reads Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Diane Sherm Arnolds

I got my first customer from Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Todd Sherm Arnolds

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

The Truth about Tools... TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

Why is everyone talking about

CITY SIDE GRILL

Misquoted Submitted by Travis Dow

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place.

They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."

Answer:

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

76 FEBRUARY 2010

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Fri. & Sat. 9pm-1am

16 Park Street • Lewiston, Maine 312-5534

www.citysidegrill.com Great advertisement equals more clients.

We love our advertisers!

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The cop turned to the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."

Dancing

.99

Asked Why They Advertise in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen.

He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal.

She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!"

We also carry: All other types of firearms Knives • Ammo by the case We Buy - Sell - Trade Finders fee for collections

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at

Rt. 4 • Turner, ME

225-3432

Just past Twitchell’s Airport

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

g3firearms@megalink.net

The Truth about Tools... TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Double Talking Dentist "Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

"Good grief!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

Come see our new 180fx Formica Laminates today!

The closest thing to solid granite look at the low, low price of laminates!

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

Paper Trained Submitted by Jimbo

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 77

We’re your local Agency Liquor Store!

Make your sweethearts day and check out our great wine selection!

Don’t feel like cooking, call Dad!

OVER 200 MENU ITEMS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH & DINNER Larry & Diana Roy, owners

There’s NO PLACE like...

Pizza Hot/Cold Subs Homemade Lunch Specials

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.DadsPlace.info

$

10 off Colors & Perms $

15 wash, cut & dry

We Carry Paul Mitchell Products

Gift Certificates are available

Hours: Closed Sun & Mon • Tues-Sat 9-7

Actual Product Warnings... On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

California Highlights $49 & Up

A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.

1600 Main Street • Oxford • 744-0041 "When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

We’re open on February 14th Schedule your special Valentine’s date soon – slots are filling fast!

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained, "but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."

"I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them.

Side by side services offered Your choice of scented Essential Oils • Couples Massage • Side by Side Pedicure • Side by Side Manicure ...and served with complimentary Chocolate Covered Strawberries!

Gift cards are always available

www.cassiels.com 71 East Avenue, Lewiston

"No," said the man. "Just friends.

Actual Product Warnings... On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

(207) 783-3321 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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PC NFL Submitted by Jimbo The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the coming season: The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Arizona Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West

There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures early in life.

-- Thomas Huxley

Top 5 Reasons to Experience Madison Ave. Salon 1. Self Tour Explore your identity, personality and key characteristics to find your perfect cut & color services.

2. Professional & Educated Staff 3. We offer the latest designer cut & color collections 4. Customized acrylic designs: acrylic inlays, glittered acrylics & more 5. Product Promotions: Buy 2 Get 1 FREE; Buy 3 Get 2 FREE

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Angela Robinson Stylist of the month

www.MadisonAveSalon.com

782-5920

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. -- Ambrose Bierce

SIGNS: In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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St. Hilaire Contractors Inc 99 Spring Street, Lewiston

784-1819 SIGNS: On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

(continued from previous page)

Indies Freebooters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago SecuritiesTraders-in-a-DecliningMarket. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Good to the Last Drop A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud.

He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Buys a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroutes whole streets.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Cowboy's Guide to Life

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Hot Air & Boiler Cleaning Special

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Includes:

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Oil Filter • Pump Screen • Nozzle • Efficiency Test

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95

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Meeting your needs in Air Conditioning, Ventilation, Heat and Refrigeration.

Owner Al Hamel • Lewiston, ME

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

782-6336 • www.alshvac-r.com Email: alshvac@gwi.net

Save $400+ If you haven’t had your heating system cleaned in the past 12 months this is what it may be costing you… 15% efficiency loss of 1000 gallons of heating oil at $2.70/gal (.15%x1000/gals.x$2.70/gal.=$405.00) or pay $149.95 and help yourself!

Specialists for installing Rinnai Monitor Heaters LP, Natural Gas & K-1

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

I specialize in precision guesswork. – Uncle Andy

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

For your personal or commercial needs contact

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY LEWISTON

BRUNSWICK

541 Lisbon Street Lewiston, ME 04240 784-4029 • Fax: 784-2360

92 Pleasant St., P.O. Box 679 Brunswick, ME 04011 725-2797 • Fax: 725-6001

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "Woman driver" really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

RP R

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have."

Professional Home Inspections, Inc. Infrared Thermal Imaging

Complete Home Inspections Water Testing • Water Radon Air Radon • Lead Paint Testing • Mold Testing Environmental Data Reports

Certified Inspector 72 Old Lisbon Rd. • Lewiston, ME 04240

Tel. 207-782-9663 • Fax 1-207-514-8058 www.RPRPROHOMEINSPECTIONS.COM Email: Roger@RPRprohomeinspections.com

-- Richard L. Evans

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Fundraiser Dance

Sabattus Home For Sale

Join us Saturday, February 20th 8pm - Midnight American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls

A fundraiser to raise money for the kids’ ski/snowboard program in Mechanic Falls Live music by The Distributors $10 per person Cash bar 8PM - Midnight 50-50 & lots of fun!

Contact Pam Grondin at 345-3069 or 346-3330 for tickets or FMI What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "I can't find it" really means...

"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

3 bedroom, 2.5 bath Log home with indoor pool with ion pool system (no chlorine - odorless). Master bedroom with bath, cathedral ceiling, walk out basement. 2,600 sq. ft. on 1.5 acres. Must see! $249,900

Call Bert Cote to set up a showing!

754-5600

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

Honks and waves to strangers.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Insists on keeping his car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

(continued from previous page)

Available at:

Heating, Air Conditioning & Plumbing 137 Spring Street, Auburn

800-287-3246 or 786-3246 February Special:

Spa Manicure & Pedicure Combo... $45 Gift certificates available for your sweetheart!

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

336 Center St. • Auburn Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

84 FEBRUARY 2010

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777-1611 Call today for your appointment • Walk-ins welcome

L to R: Candice Lamontagne, Mel Cote, Darcy Ames & Hannah Greene

“Family owned for over 50 years” Computerized Laser Measuring

Lifetime Guarantee

782-2695 15 Quimby Street • Lewiston

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE The Circle of Life Submitted by Jimbo

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

How old are you?....

"I'm four and a half "....

You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number.

How old are you?

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens.... you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony.... you BECOME 21...YES!!!

1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

1822 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston

897-3400

784-3100 Bruce Landry

Jerimiah Morrissette

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com

But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there?

Makes you sound like bad milk....

He TURNED, we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What (continued on next page)

What "Guy" Phrases Really Mean: "What did I do this time?' really means...

"What did you catch me at?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

783-7039 85

(continued from previous page)

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

changed??

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40..... stay over there, it's all slipping away........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing.

After that, you HIT Wednesday....

You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.

You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there.... into the 90's you start going backwards....

I was JUST 92...

Then a strange thing happens.

If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again....

"I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

86 FEBRUARY 2010

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Up to $1,500 Tax Credit When you purchase one of our high efficiency wood stoves, pellet stoves or inserts!

Professional, knowledgeable advice

We can install your new stove!

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP

1220 Center Street, Auburn • 784-9249 Hours: Mon - Fri. 9:00 - 5:00 • Sat 9:00 - 5:00

For that Kitchen or Bathroom remodel Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

CALL TODAY for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

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Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

Fully Insured • Many References Available

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

"Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God."

-- Mary Manin Morrissey

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain. ~ Vivian Greene

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE What Did You Like Best About Working With The Fontaine Family?

“Great communication” Aimee Larock – Auburn

“Monthly Reports” Gary & Diane Savard – Lewiston “Immediate feedback to all our concerns” Dana & Jane Mulholland – Lewiston “ Above & Beyond service” Rick & Arlene Palmer – Auburn

“Getting the house sold fast” Brenda Moreau – Auburn

One day I'm gonna look back on this and say... Dad c'mon, seriously, you put a photo of me half naked in the Digest!

What's wrong with you!!

Why Did You Choose The Fontaine Family?

“Word of mouth” Ally Libby – Auburn “Numerous recommendations from family & friends” Dana & Jane Mulholland – Lewiston “Heard a lot of good stuff about you guys” Brittany Reed – Lewiston “Had such a good experience with you in the past” Rick & Arlene Palmer – Auburn

Is 2010 Your Year For A Move? Pick Up The Phone And Call 784-3800 Call

784-3800

336 Center St., Auburn In the Harvard Mall

to get your property sold!

www.brendafontaine.com

Blake Dow

"And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

-- Abraham Lincoln

UNCLE ANDYʼS NEIGHBORHOOD

The

TILE SPECIAL

Uncle Andy lives in a semi-rural area. He recently called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on his road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

I’m gonna email The Flooring Guy right now!

Let’s see... f-l-o-o-r...

BATHROOMS KITCHENS up to 125 sq/ft up to 50 sq/ft installed* installed* $ $

375

754-0465 email: floormaine@gmail.com

725

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20 YEARS EXPERIENCE FULLY INSURED • FREE ESTIMATES

It’s take your pet to work month!

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

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DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. – George Bernard Shaw

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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N

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Ushers will eat latecomers.

the evel with Matt Fournier

FAUX GRANITE COUNTERTOPS Ok, you want to change that vintage 1960's counter in your kitchen but don't want to spend a lot of money. Or it could be that you have a matching backsplash glued to the wall or other factors that make this simple job just more than you want to tackle. We may be able to help with a process that utilizes specialty mineral based paints and sealers applied over your existing countertops to create an appearance that is similar to granite.

Although each step only takes at most an hour, the dry times between some of the steps can make this a 2 - 3 day process. First step is easy: all we do is thoroughly clean your counters and mask off all the edges. Second,we prime the counters with a primer sealer that ,amazingly, in one coat completely covers. The sealer takes about 6 hours to dry. Now we take a sea sponge and dab the first color in 2' sections until covered. The second color gets applied 4 hours after the first. The last step is a clear coat that gives the countertops their shiny faux granite polished look.

This entire process typically cost $200-$250 for most kitchens .

This can save you a lot of time and money because it eliminates the need for fixing walls, pulling sinks and disconnecting plumbing.

Please send your questions to matt@fournierhomes.com and selected questions with answers will be published in next month’s issue.

Let’s see what we build together.

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I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. – General George S. Patton

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An apology is a good way to have the last word.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living. – Socrates

A Day Off Submitted by Jimbo

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her (continued on next page)

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal

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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

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(continued from previous page)

pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Leaves the copy machine set to enlarge 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. – G. K. Chesterton

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Asked Why They Advertises in Uncle Andy’s Digest?

The mags okay, but we really advertise to see Travis... seriously though, Uncle Andy's Digest is a great way to advertise to people of the greater L/A area

This is the best p time ever to sho for cabinets!

Why buy particle board cabinets at the big box stores when you can get

We have the best quality for the lowest prices!

solid wood built cabinets for less money?

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& Beckie Davis (manager)

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Dog Rules Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

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BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot.

Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.

Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.

There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. – Katherine Hepburn

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

&T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Answers

You only have to do a very few things right in your life so long as you don't do too many things wrong. – Warren Buffett

Submitted by Travis Dow

Jimbo and Uncle Andy were in an institution after too many years in the publishing business.

This place had an annual contest where they picked two of the best patients and asked them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jimbo was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jimbo, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jimbo said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Jimbo's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jimbo's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, he mentioned the exam to Uncle Andy. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Uncle Andy came in.

The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Uncle Andy, remember(continued on next page)

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Breathes there the man with soul so dead, Who never to himself hath said, This is my own, my native land. – Walter Scott

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"I'd be completely blind," Uncle Andy answered.

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ing what Jimbo had said, answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.

"What if I cut off the other ear?"

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(continued from previous page)

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When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do.

Think up something appropriate and do it. – Edgar Watson Howe

"Uncle Andy, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

Still being pretty quick on his feet he said "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

Wedding Bear Submitted by Jimbo

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

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FEBRUARY 2010

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100 GB Bug

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: The 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold.

That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold."

This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy.

This, in turn, will push the teetering American (continued on next page)

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Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

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In 1947, heavy snow blanketed the Northeast, burying New York City under 25.8” of snow in 16 hours; the severe weather was blamed for some 80 deaths.

You Know youʼre getting older when... Your Saturday Night Fever turns to Saturday Night Hot Flashes.

(continued from previous page)

economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

A Job Worse Than Yours The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldnʼt get Calle to take her dose orally, so a local pharmacologist developed a suppository.

The 10-inch-long, fourpound, cocoa-butter bullets are administered daily. The medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

So, there are at least FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!

Now stop complaining and get back to work!

You Know youʼre getting older when... The candles cost more than the cake.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2010

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Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. ~ Frederick B. Wilcox