UAD JANUARY 2010

!

oved New & Impr

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

SHOP NAKED! EmersonToyota.com

The Most Unusual Digest in America

JANUARY 2010

FREE

and worth every penny!

31 Blake St. Lewiston

782-7113 Call Dan Dumont for your FREE Estimate!

138 Main Street South Paris, Maine 04281 • Open 7 days 10-6 (207) 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

Our Goal: To help our patients achieve extraordinary dental health. atients

New P ccepting

A

Dr. Elizabeth Franco, D.M.D.

27 Millett Drive, Auburn • 784-1577 TaylorBrookDental.com

Dr. Daniel Penan, D.M.D.

Dr. Thomas Hall, D.D.S.

Dr. Brian Beasley, D.M.D.

Cosmetic Dentistry - Veneers, Bonding, Bleaching Crowns, Bridges, Dentures (Complete or Partial) Extractions Periodontics - Treatment of Gum Disease Preventive Dentistry - Cleaning and Checkups Root Canal Therapy Surgical Placement / Restoration of Dental Implants

Bed ʻn Breakfast

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

Submitted by Jimbo

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved).

Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union.

Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked 'Can I get breakfast for two?'. Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed said 'Make that five...'

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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We are celebrating our 15th year!

Okay, our instructors are not really kicking cats, but they are really good with pre-school age children. Our special Little Ninjas program is specifically designed to help teach 4 to 6-year-olds the important qualities of respect, self-control and confidence. Plus, they’ll learn great motor skills and coordination.

Intro to Karate for Kids Karate for Kids 6-12 years 4:30-5:15 & 5:30-6:15 & Adults Jan. 20th Kickboxing for Fitness MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect. – Uncle Andy

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA January 2010 Saturday, Jan. 2 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Camp 12749) 607 Lisbon St., Lewiston 4:30pm-6:00pm $4.50 per Member $6.00 per Guest Tuesday, Jan. 5 Luiggi’s (Camp 10589) 63 Sabattus St., Lewiston 4:00pm-7:00pm $3.50 per Member $4.50 per Guest Sunday, Jan. 10 KC Breakfast (Camp 7938) Columbus Dr., Brunswick 8:00am - 10:00am $4.00 per Member Children under 10 FREE Tuesday, Jan. 12 Roy’s Breakfast (Camp 14346) 5 Washington St., Auburn 7:00am - 10:00am $1.50 per Member $2.50 per Guest Thursday, Jan. 14 The Green Ladle Culinary Arts Lunch (Camp 14437) 156 East Ave. (Lewiston High School), Lewiston NOON SHARP $7.00 per Guest $8.00 per Guest Thursday, Jan. 21 Lewiston Manadarin Restaurant (Camp 12907) Sabattus St., Lewiston 11:00am-1:30pm $4.00 per Member $5.00 per Guest Sunday, Jan. 24 KC Breakfast (Camp 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick 8:00am-10:00am $4.00 per Member, Children under 10 FREE Tuesday, Jan. 26 Trolley House Restaurant (Camp 10929) 237 Main St., Norway 11:00am-1:00pm $5.00 per Member, $6.00 per Guest Wednesday, Jan. 27 Chick-A-Dee (Camp 8609) Lisbon St., Lewiston 4:00-7:00pm $8.00 per Member, $9.00 per Guest Prices and Menu are Subject to Change.

Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday from 9am - 4pm and Friday from 9am – Noon (excluding Holidays).

FMI call 782-1833.

When you work at Uncle Andyʼs, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 FAX: 207

783-7039 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com

JANUARY 2010

Staff UNCLE ANDY

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

Jet Setter

514-0660

JIMBO Puppy Power

www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Joe & Mike Adkins

Travis Dow Blake’s Daddy

Marty Dow Sailing to Schooner

Maggie Joyce

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

Pampered

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."

4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."

Time to relax & rejuvenate YOU! $

10 OFF all 1 hour services in January!

ELEMENT DAY SPA 8 Market Square • South Paris • 739-6789

Don't forget to book your couples massages early for Valentines!

Space is limited.

Free chocolates with couples massages!

Brighten your day with bareMinerals Makeup!

Free applications & lessons.

Call for details.

visit our Facebook page or www.elementdayspa.org

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Su-Ying Chavez

Q. What do you get if you cross a ghost with a chicken?

A. A poultry-geist!

Expecting Spouse Submitted by Jimbo

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.

What do you get when you eat a blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because chickens hadn't been invented yet!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE AUBURN-LEWISTON

62 Turner Street (next to the county building) Auburn • 795-4095

www.alymca.org

United Way of Androscoggin County

YMCA Where You Belong!

Hours: Mon. – Fri. 5:00am-8:30pm; Sat. & Sun. 7:00am-2:00pm

Membership Drive Jan. 18-23, 2010 Come in and use the facility for FREE OVER 40 GROUP EXERCISE CLASSES A WEEK INCLUDING: Group Cycle • Group Groove • Group Power • Step • Yoga • Pilates Adult Lap Swims • Family Open Swims • Water Exercise Cardio • Nautilus & Free Weight Rooms

YMCA Memberships are all inclusive. *

FREE Workshops Monday, Jan. 18th Group Groove Workshop 9:00-10:15am Pilates Workshop 12:00-1:00pm

Swim Lessons Ages 6 mo.-Adult Lessons start on Jan. 4th

Wednesday, Jan. 20th Group Power Workshop 9:00-10:15am & 5:15-6:30pm

Thursday, Jan. 21st

Sign up for American Red Cross Lifeguard Course

Group Groove Workshop 5:15-6:30pm

Jan. 9th, 11th, 16th & 17th

*

Call FMI

Workshops are free, but require pre-registration for both members and non-members.

HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Out & About at the Great Falls Dentistry Christmas Party

Kailyn Front Office

Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

A: Because it was stuck to the foot of the chicken!

The White House, in Washington DC, was originally gray, the color of the sandstone from which it was built. After the War of 1812, during which it had been burned by Canadian troops, the outside walls were painted white to hide the smoke stains.

Kathy Front Office

Katie Front Office

Q. Fruit comes from a fruit tree, but what kind of tree does chicken come from?

A. Poul-Tree!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Out & About at the Great Falls Dentistry Christmas Party

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A. To get to the other slide!

Rachel Assistant

Christian Hygienist

Amanda Assistant Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Q. Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?

A. Because she had mislaid them!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

30 minute Massage & Pedicure

$

55

JANUARY SPECIALS Pedicure

$

25 Tiffany LMT

Hair Studio

1117 Center Street, Auburn

782-3848

Out & About at the Great Falls Dentistry Christmas Party

Christine Owner/stylist

Alicia Stylist

Hair Nails Massage www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com

Amy Front Office

Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Pages Hi! I'm the Uncle Andy's Super Saver Piggy Bank. When you see me in a businesses’ ad it means they have a money saving offer in our NEW coupon section on pages 50 & 51! Support your local small businesses and save money, too!

If you’d like to advertise your business and offer a money saving coupon contact Uncle Andy’s Digest to learn more!

Call us at 783-7039 or email Travis Dow at travis@UncleAndys.com

Auburn Mall Eye Care Bring in this ad for...

10

$

Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tectonic destruction from an earthquake (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.)

PRIVATE ELDERLY CARE Available anytime: Holidays, weekends, overnights & days

OFF Exams

Appointment Required

Over 30 years experience

1 coupon per person Expires 1/31/10

550 Center Street. Auburn (207) 782-5030

Donna Office Manager

DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

Call Sonia Grant, CNA, MT 782-1138

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Speak for Yourself

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

Christmas gift doesn’t fit? Bring it in and get it sized.

ALL jewelry repairs done in-house by an expert jeweler.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocaine because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

Watch Batteries Replaced • Watch Bands • Ring Sizings • Stone Setting Clasp Replacement • Bead Stringing • Appraisals • Eyeglass Repair

DiamondCut

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

D–Words Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply: ''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''

Jewelers

Lisa

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Always Free Jewelry Cleaning & Inspection Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com

The "Spruce Goose" flew on November 2, 1947, for one mile, at a maximum altitude of 70 feet. Built by Howard Hughes, it is the largest aircraft ever built, the 140-ton eight-engine seaplane, made of birch, has a wingspan of 320 feet. It was built as a prototype troop transport. Rejected by the Pentagon, Hughes put the plane into storage, never to be flown again.

The peace symbol was created in 1958 as a nuclear disarmament symbol by the Direct Action Committee, and was first shown that year at peace marches in England. The symbol is a composite of the semaphore signals N and D, representing nuclear disarmament.

Famous Firsts On Dec. 10th 1901 the 1st Nobel prizes were awarded.

Literature - Rene SullyPrudhomme; Physiology - Emil von Behring; Chemistry - Jacobus van't Hoff; Physics - Wilhelm Roentgen; Peace - Jean Henri Dunant Frederic Passy.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Mindy

expires 1/31/10

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

Diamond Snowplows Morrison & Sylvester, Inc. 1175 Minot Ave. • Auburn, ME 04210 207-783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. – Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE January Savings on all Snow Gear!

MX Apparel and Accessories 25% OFF Over 300 Units New and Used!

New Bike? - Get Free Storage till Spring

Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, then rolls in the dirt some more?

A. A dirty double-crossing chicken!

INSTALL A REMOTE STARTER TODAY!

Remote starters starting at $159.95 installed!

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

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Remote Starters • Alarms • Car Audio • Boat Audio 625 Washington Street, Auburn • 777-3339 • www.soundeffectsmaine.com

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Scott Feldman

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE $10,900

$13,500

2005 Volvo S40 AWD

2006 Ford Escape

5 Speed, Turbo, Power Windows & Seats, Power Locks, CD Player, Keyless Entry, Alloy Wheels

4WD, Auto, 3.0L V6, Power Windows and Leather Seats, 72k, CD Player, Keyless Entry, Fog Lights

$9,900

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

$10,900

2004 Nissan Altima

2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee

FWD, Auto, only 81k, 4 door, Mint Condition Inside and Out

Overlander, Auto, 4WD, Tow Package, Power Roof & Windows, Leather, Premium Audio, completely Loaded

$11,800

$15,900

2006 VW Passat

2006 Mitsubishi Raider

FWD, Auto w/Turbo, Power Roof & Windows, Power Leather Seats, 71k, ABS, Keyless Entry, CD and more

Ext. cab w/ 4 doors, 4WD , Auto, V8, Tow Package, Running Boards, Power Windows & Locks, CD, Sport Pkg. 35k

Two months in a row! Maybe I will finish that project for Jimbo!! Then again, maybe not.

We are a full service repair shop Full Vehicle Reconditioning Available 733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz?

777-0047 • www.laautocompany.com

A: Cheeze Whuz.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE

250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933

Quality service at an affordable price!

OIL CHANGE $

19.95

*Includes up to 5 quarts of oil & filter. Synthetic is extra. Expires 1/31/10

Call us today to book your appointment

Your Community Auto Repair Shop We’re now FEATURING ALIGNMENTS with the newest alignment equipment available!

Just installed and ready to align your vehicle! With two ASE Certified Master Technicians and two Technicians on staff, we can diagnose and fix the reason your vehicle might have a shimmy, pull to the left or to the right, have a steering vibration or many other reasons the alignment might be off. Call us today for an appointment!

Get your alignment done NOW! WWW.MAJORAUTO.NET

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

No really, stop clowning around!

Winterize now and don’t get left in the cold!

• Expert service & highest quality • Accurate diagnosis of problems • Fair & honest quotes • Great customer service

Top 6 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s

• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small • Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service

Jim Hyde

FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S 2006 Harley Davidson Ultra Classic

1997 Honda Civic EX

Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS, AM/FM stereo, extra chrome, 2 windshields

Standard transmission, excellent condition

ONLY $19,200

ONLY $3,200

Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A

Mike Morin’s Auto Center 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

U.S. CARS

10 Cars to Choose From at $1,000 10 Cars to Choose From at $2,000 WITH NEW INSPECTION & WARRANTY 1076 Sabattus St., Lewiston, ME

689-5600 A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say, "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Light travels at the rate of 186,282 miles a second.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

TNJ Auto Sales

1013 Lewiston Road Route 100 • New Gloucester

926-4300

MAKE US AN OFFER Lots of SUV’s, Trucks & 4X4’s under $5,000!

Sweetheart Deals on Vans

Best time of year to get a great deal, really!

Cars coming in daily some for under $2,000!

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Toni Ferraro, Co-Owner

Traditionally, January is always the toughest month to sell cars so I came up with a new idea. Stop by and take any of these cars for a ride and no reasonable offer will be refused! Let’s make a long lasting friendship!

P.S. I love referrals!!

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

ONE-STOP AUTO SERVICE • Brake Service • Exhaust • Shocks & Struts • Used Car Sales • ABS Light • Tires • Tune-ups • Rust Repair & Body Work • Engine Overhauls • Transmission Overhauls 304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon

353-6100 fresh made honey!"

Fragrant Submitted by Jimbo

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around.

"Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey,

The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

PIERRE’S AUTO BODY SHOP & SALES

24 HOUR TOWING CALL 740-3114

• State Inspection • Headlight Alignment • Tint Certification • Rust Work • Frame Straightening

• Collision Repair • Restorations • Mechanical Work • Insurance Work • DEKA Batteries • Auto Detailing

We fix everything but a broken heart!

57 US Highway 202 • Leeds • 946-5692

Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…

NO PROBLEM!

$

55/hr. LABOR RATE Fully Warranteed & Certified

Brad Johnson

Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. – Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE Out & About at the Great Falls Dentistry Christmas Party

Maddie & Stacey Hygienists

We’re smiling because you don’t know which one of us is the Secret Santa!

Dr. Kim

Dr. Bufo

Dr. Arbuckle

Which of the following conditions would help sound travel further and sound clearer? a. Just before it snows b. When the snow is fresh and fluffy c. When the snow is actually falling d. When the snow surface becomes smooth and hard from time or strong winds Correct answer: d. When the snow surface becomes smooth and hard from time or strong winds Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-8856

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

Hey! I’m back where I belong…

Emerson Toyota. Here’s wishing everyone a great year, and I look forward to seeing you for some great car and truck deals!

Mike “Big Bird” Nadeau

EmersonToyota.com 990 Center Street, Auburn • (207) 784-1348 At a local pharmacy, Uncle Andy asked to use the infant scale to weigh his nephew he held in his arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing him and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing Uncle Andy alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered Andy. "I'm not the father, I'm the Uncle."

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

BOOK YOUR WINTER PROJECTS NOW!

Will fill up fast! Highest Quality & Attention to Detail Street Rods • Antique Cars • Boats • Convertible Tops Motorcycle & Snowmobile Seats • Custom Upholstery

For all your upholstery needs FREE ESTIMATES CUSTOM UPHOLSTERY

28 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-3822

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE There was once a woman who prayed every day for 20 years that she'd win the lottery. Every single day.

Finally, in despair, she said, "God, I've been a true and faithful servant and have lived an exemplary life. Why won't you grant me this one thing?"

"Look," said God, "at least meet me half way and buy a lottery ticket."

FREE 6 PACK OF DRY GAS WITH STAR SERVICE OIL CHANGE EACH BOTTLE OF DRY GAS TREATS 15 GALLONS OF GAS

A $5.95 value!

OFFER CANNOT BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFER, DISCOUNT OR PROMOTION. Expires 2-28-10

UANDY

COUPON CODE: UANDY ISO • Expires 2-28-10

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced in 1978 that it would alternate men's and women's names in the naming of hurricanes. It was seen as an attempt at fair play. Hurricanes had been named for women for years, until NOAA succumbed to pressure from women's groups who were demanding that Atlantic storms be given unisex names.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Looking for a truck? Look no further!

Huge selection & new inventory arriving daily GOT HEAT?? FREE Winter Checkup With Ad

We also have a large selection of cars & SUV’s 258 Middle Rd. (Rte. 9) Sabattus, ME

375-7187 www.Sabattusauto.com

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

Volvo Problems?

Complete Volvo Service & Expert Repair

FOREIGN CAR SERVICE CO. 2085 Lisbon Road, Lewiston • www.ChapmanCollision.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

JULY 2009 783-7039

140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300 VolvoSpecialist.net Dave Sheloske, Owner

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

M & P AUTO SALES Roosevelt Trail • North Windham • 892-0932

$

or 754-4867

$

9,000

7,000

2005 Hyundai Tiburon

1994 Chevy 2500

33K, Auto, Maroon

Reg. Cab, Ready to Work, 103K, White

4,500

$

$

9,000

1996 Chevy Kodiak Car Carrier

1998 GMC 2500 Series Van

21’ Steel Body, New Tires & Brakes, 31/6 Cat, Auto, Needs some Work

86K, 1-Row Seating & Cargo, Maroon

2005 Chevy 4X4 Reg. Cab Pick-up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2005 Monte Carlo, V6, Auto, 70K, Black, Sharp! . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2003 Ford Windstar, Dual Sliders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,500 2003 Chevy Silverado, Black, Ext. Cab, 4.8 Auto. . . . . . . .$10,800 2002 Ford Windstar, Dual Sliders, 109K, Loaded, Red . . . .$4,500 2001 Monte Carlo SS, Red, V6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,885 2000 Monte Carlo LS, Leather, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,500 1998 Dodge Neon, 63K, 4 Cyl. Auto., New Tires, Black . . . .$1,995 1998 Dodge Caravan, 5 Cyl., Auto., Purple . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1,995

It’s cold outside…

I know. At M&P Auto Sales the deals are so hot it feels like summer!

www.MandPautosales.com Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Nice Suit Submitted by Travis Dow

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE NEW 2010 MODELS IN STOCK! Ask about a great deal on an 07, 08 or 09 leftover Arctic Cat snowmobile

AMES SPORTS SHOP

SHARE OUR PASSION

84 Littlefield Road (off Hotel Road) Auburn • 782-4917

Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Question: You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What color are the bus driver's eyes?

Girls are like roads, the more curves, more the dangerous they are.

ATTENTION VEHICLE OWNERS!!

Keep your vehicle in tip top shape and running smoothly. Get the most out of your current vehicle Quality, affordable auto & collision repair Engine Work • Brakes • Suspension

Your complete auto stop

782-5500

Yellowstone is the world's 1st National Park. It was dedicated in 1872.

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

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Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria.

FULL RECON SPECIAL

$

*

LIQUID SUNSHINE

125

Appointment required *Most Vehicles

We also do:

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

CAR WASH & DETAIL

Come in and get a protective coat of wax!

• Hand Car Washing & Interior Cleaning • Motorcycles • Dualies & Denali’s Welcomed

We Take Pride… In Your Ride

Steve Dubois, Owner

865 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • Across from Dubois Café & Movie Gallery • 333-3004 Open Tuesday - Sunday - 8:30am - 7pm Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.

I am a three digit number.

My tens digit is five more than my ones digit. My hundreds digit is eight less than my tens digit.

What number am I? 194

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

What falls but doesn't break, and what breaks but doesn't fall?

Night and Day.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 25 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026

OUR TIRES Goodyear Cooper Dunlap Starfire A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Fibula..........................A small lie.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 23

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

You MUST come down and check out the new showroom!

Remote Car Starters Stereos • Speakers • Amps Auto/Truck/SUV Accessories Truck Caps Car Alarms Leather Seats Heated Seats Navigation Systems Window Tinting Satellite Radio

Start your new year right!

Let our experience work for you!

Happy ar!

New Ye

I travel all around the world but never leave the corner. What am I?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

333-3390 • Fax 333-3000 1009 Center St. Auburn (Former Radio City location)

A stamp.

24

Don Levasseur - 28 years experience Christian Dillion - 26 years experience

783-7039

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

OPENIN G JAN. 4T H

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

$9,650

$6,550

2002 Chevy Silverado

2001 Ford Ranger XLT

Auto., A/C, Fiberglass Cap, 108k, 4.8 Engine, Super Clean

4.0, Auto., A/C, PW, PDL, CD, Sharp 4X4.

This little truck runs great!

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

$12,995 2004 Ford Explorer Limited Loaded, Leather, Straight from Florida, 112k, $2500 Stereo System with Sirius Radio, CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! $11,995 with replacement stereo

$9,900

$6,900

2001 Dodge Dakota Sport

2005 Pontiac Grand Am GT

Fisher Minute Mount Plow we just put on. 83k, Auto., A/C, V8.

Coupe, Roof, Loaded, Leather, 81k, NADA $9325, will take $6900

Quality Pre-Owned Cars - Trucks - SUV’s

Old Mill Auto Check Out Our Inventory ONLINE! www.oldmillauto.com 207-345-3777 32 Lewiston Street - Mechanic Falls

Captain Cook lost 41 of his 98 crew to Scurvy (a lack of vitamin C) on his first voyage to the South Pacific in 1768.

By 1795 the importance of eating citrus was realized, and lemon juice was issued on all British Navy ships

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 25

This Bites

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

A traveller came up to a fisherman. "Having any luck?"

"Not so bad", the fisherman replied. "I haven't had a bite in three hours."

with a remote starter We are now an Authorized

Installer

"What's so good about that?", the traveller asked in surprise.

"You see that guy over there? Well he hasn't had a bite in six hours."

Up to 3000' Range

Many options & prices. Call for more information

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Sunrise, Florida was originally named ʻSunsetʼ and was planned as a retirement community. The developers found out pretty quickly that retirees donʼt like to be reminded that they are in the ʻsunsetʼ of their lives, so a more optimistic name was chosen.

Lifetime Guarantee

743 Sabattus St. Lewiston

754-7873 It’s contagious!

EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services

What percentage of fresh snow is composed of air? a. 30% b. 50% c. 80% d. 90% Correct answer: c. 80% Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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• Transmission Flushes • Brakes, exhaust • Engine performance • Fuel systems

BOB MERRILL

• Shocks, struts • Chassis, alignment • State Inspection

Maineʼs AAA Approved Repair Facility since 1990!

CARL HARRIMAN

HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham, ME • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420 Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

Ron Moon, Manager

JANUARY SPECIALS 2000 Ford Windstar

2001 Ford Explorer Sport

Well maintained, dual sliders, climate control, 3rd row seat, 7-passenger

70K, 4WD, ABS, roof rack, CD player & more

Rick Dupont, Owner

$3,995

$5,995

carsforlessme.com

1068 Sabattus St., Lewiston, Maine 04240

SALE $6,995

$10,995

2003 VW Jetta GLI

2005 Chevy 1500 LT

6 Speed, Leather, 17” Rims, 100K

Leather, Loaded, Stepside 4X4, 97K

2004 Jeep Columbia EDT Cherokee, 6 Cyl. Selectrac, only 83k, Loaded, Clean, 4X4, 17” Wheels/Tires........$10,995 2002 Chevy Trailblazer LT, 4X4, Loaded, Leather, 99k ...........$7,995

VW SALE 2003 VW Golf GTI, Automatic, Roof, Alloys, Super Clean .....$6,995

2002 Jeep Liberty LTD, Leather, Roof, More.. 97k .................$8,395

2003 VW Passat, 1.8T GLS, Automatic, 85k, Roof, Alloys, Power Options..............................................................$8,995

2000 GMC Jimmy, 1 Owner, 84K ..........................................$5,495

2001 VW Jetta, 5 Spd., 2.0L GLS, 1 Owner, 90k, Heated Seats..$5,495

2001 Jeep Cherokee Sport, 4X4, Black, Loaded, Alloys, .......$5,495

2000 VW Golf GTI, VR6, Leather, Roof, Climate & More .......$5,995 2000 VW Jetta, 5 Spd., Clean, Roof, 140k.............................$3,995

Shop online at Cliffscars.com

Fontaine Family Teams Grows

207-657-5000

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

786-8000

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?

CLIFF’S AUTO SALES 1511 Minot Ave., Auburn 514-7013

Brian Beaulieu Beaulieu has recently joined the Fontaine Family – The Real Estate Leader at 336 Center Street in Auburn as a licensed sales agent.

Brian is a Lewiston native and graduated from Lewiston HS in 1994. He is also a graduate of UMF where he obtained his undergraduate degree in Community Health in 1997.

Brian has been working as a drug and alcohol counselor at Tri-County Mental Health for over three years and previously worked with homeless youth at New Beginnings in Lewiston.

Brian can also be found at the MAINEiacs hockey games, where he sells team merchandise in the fan shop. He married his wife Sandy in July, 2004 and they reside in Lewiston. He can be reached at 784-3800 or 212-9820.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Out & About with Toni Ferraro Photography

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE “Friends don’t let friends pay for over-priced repairs!”

FREE STATE INSPECTION with service work on light duty vehicles

• Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks • Licensed Inspection Station

• $65 per hour on Heavy Duty, Trailers and Equipment • $50 per hour on Light Duty

• Hydraulic Hoses made on-site • Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers

HEAVY TRUCK SERVICE SPECIAL SERVICE SPECIAL Drive Axle or Trailer Grease, Oil & Filters* 10 Point Fluid & Safety Check**

Outboard Brakes 2 Shoes 1 Kit 8000

*Specialty water & fuel filters not included * *Any additional repairs will be done with customer approval and at customer’s expense

$

.00

360

$

.00 per wheel*

150

*Camshaft, cambushings, drums & seals extra

20 Highland Spring Rd., Lewiston (behind the offices of St. Laurent & Son)

207-333-3707

Fax: 784-6592 • Email: jason-maineheavy@oxfordnetworks.net Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Uncle Andyʼs motto: If you can't convince them, confuse them.

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

Time to relax and enjoy the New Year!

See us every morning for hot Carrabassett coffee & Lattés, breakfast sandwiches, bagels & warm muffins!

84 Court St, Auburn www.hollysown.com

333-3041 Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00 Sat. 11:00-10:00

Live Entertainment Sat. Jan. 9 Fri. Jan. 15 Sat. Jan. 16 Thu. Jan. 21

In a Cat’s World If you teach a cat to fish...

Enjoy a Martini or Bailey’s Irish coffee by the nice warm & cozy fireplace.

Mike Krapovicki Carole Wise Okbari Belly Dancers

3 Point Jazz Trio

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs

How about some hot soup and a sandwich?

Holly Mireault, Owner

The ball on top of a flagpole is called a "truck."

Forecast: Chances of light flurries

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 29

a. A type of frost formed by flat frozen crystals b. The sound ice makes when it is shifting c. A type of icicle d. An Inuit name for a snowstorm Correct answer: a. A type of frost formed by flat frozen crystals

How many times a year does the sun set and rise in the Arctic? a. Zero b. Once c. Twice d. Twelve times Correct answer: b. Once

What was the world record for the most snowfall in a 24-hour period? a. 30” in Prince George, British Columbia b. 54” in Waterville, ME c. 76” in Silver Lake, CO d. 110” in Rimouski, Quebec Correct answer: c. 76” in Silver Lake, CO

Where do icicles most often form on a building? a. The south side b. The north side c. The west side d. The east side Correct answer: a. The south side

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

NEXT DAY DELIVERY SERVICE IN L/A AREA! SELECTION Stop waiting in line at the Big Box stores for your paper and janitorial supplies!

EXPERTISE Just call in your order...it’s that SIMPLE!!

ROLL TOWELS - ALL TYPES Bathroom Tissue, Trash Liners, Plates, Cups, Napkins, ETC. Cleaning Chemicals & Janitorial Supplies

No Minimum Order

GOODMAN WIPER & PAPER

120 Mill St., Auburn 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com

Out & About at Lost Valley with the Chamber

What is "hoar"?

Introducing L/A’s 2 newest restaurants & pubs!

OPEN 7 DAYS & NIGHTS A WEEK

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

Irish American Eatery & Pub

JANUARY SPEC IAL E $ .00 PABSTS ALL TH E TIM 1 Facebook us at OSheas Bar

Sun Football with $2 BIG Beers Mon $1 Drinks, $2 Burritos Tues The Josh Harps Project $ 2 Drinks, $2 Burgers Wed Open Mic Night - $2 Specials Thur Ladies Night - $1 shots, $ 2 Beers, $3 Drinks Fri Live Entertainment - $2 Specials Sat 80's Retro Dance Party

Great Food, Friends, Spirits & Entertainment 34 Court St. (Corner of Court & Main St.) Auburn Some people tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

at

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST Party! CLUB TEXAS Save $5 per ticket when you mention this ad.

with the:

Call the Uncle Andy’s Digest

office for advance tix! 783-7039 Group tables can be reserved in advance. Tickets also available at the door.

DJ B-Set with dance music after the show.

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

THURSDAYS

FRIDAYS

SATURDAYS

Action Packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set

Ladies Night Beer & Drink Specials

Live Entertainment & DJ B-Set

Don’t miss

LADIES NIGHT Every Friday night!

Saturday Band Line-up!

Jan. 2nd Boys & Girls Club Fundraiser w/Civil Disturbance & Rockin Roadrunners

Jan. 9th Uncle Andy’s Party - see above

Jan. 16th

CLUB TEXAS

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

Boys Gone Wild - 80’s band

Jan. 23rd Twice Shy

Jan. 30th Dirty McCurdy

Out & About with Toni Ferraro Photography

There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.

DON’T JUST SIT THERE!

Come check out L/A’s most exciting show on ice!

LEWISTONHOCKEY.com

For Individual Tickets call: 783-2009 For Group Tickets call 333-3267 x215 February Home Games

January Home Games The highest temperature ever recorded in the Continental U.S. was 134 degrees on July 10, 1913 in Death Valley, California.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Sat Thu Fri Fri Sat Wed

Jan 2 Jan 7 Jan 8 Jan 22 Jan 23 Jan 27

vs. Shawinigan 7pm vs. Acadie-Bathurst 7pm vs. Rimouski 7pm vs. Rouyn-Noranda 7pm vs. Rouyn-Noranda 7pm vs. Halifax 7pm

Fri Sat Wed Fri Sun Tue

Feb 5 Feb 6 Feb 10 Feb 12 Feb 14 Feb 23

vs. Shawinigan 7pm vs. Shawinigan 7pm vs. Moncton 7pm vs. Victoriaville 7pm vs. Quebec 4pm vs. Montreal 7pm

The highest waterfall in the world, Angel Falls in Venezuela, has a total drop of 3,121 feet.

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. $

Rainbow FCU Hands Over 10,000 to the Maine Credit Union League for Ending Hunger

Laura Zimmerman, Rural Community Action Ministry, Lt. Jason Brake, Salvation Army, John Robbins, Hope Haven Gospel Mission, Phil Moreau, President, Rainbow Federal Credit Union, Kim Wetlaufer, Trinity Jubilee Center, Kristen Walter, St Marys Food Pantry, John Paradise, Government & Public Affairs MGR, Maine Credit Union League, Rick Small, Good Shephard Food Bank. Missing from the photo was representation from Oxford Hills Food Pantry and St. Martin de Porres Residence.

Anna Waldman, Bags the cat & Molly cozy on up to the nice warm fire on a cold winter day!

The tradition and commitment of the Rainbow Federal Credit Union has never waivered; it has only grown stronger as the funds over the years have continued to also grow.

“Ending Hunger in Maine means a great deal to us. We see it every day, when families are making choices between which necessities they must give up. It’s one way we can help,” explained Phil Moreau, President and CEO of Rainbow FCU. Credit Unions throughout Maine pursue this goal as a collective group and as individual credit unions within their respective communities. This year alone Maine Credit Unions have raised more than $125,000. towards Ending Hunger and are still actively doing fundraisers which will bring this YTD total much higher. Since 1990, the Maine Credit Unions’ Campaign for Ending Hunger has raised more than $3.1 million. 100% of that has gone directly to the cause and stayed in Maine.

At a recent gathering of various organizations representing food pantries throughout the Androscoggin and Oxford County area, Phil Moreau presented a check for $10,000 to John Paradise, Government and Public Affairs manager for Maine Credit Union League.

Each year the Social Responsibility Committee of Rainbow Federal Credit Union determines what organizations will receive assistance. It’s based upon the communities that Rainbow FCU serves in Androscoggin and Oxford Counties, and the food pantries that service those communities.

Among those organizations that we contributed to this year in addition to the Maine Credit Union League are Good Shepherd Food Bank, St. Martin de Porres, Hope Haven Mission, Rural Community Action Ministry, Trinity Jubilee Center, Oxford Hills Food Pantry, Salvation Army and St. Mary’s Food Panty.

Rainbow FCU was chartered in 1956 and is a full service credit union providing a complete line of financial products and services. Rainbow has five branch offices located in Lewiston, Auburn, Mechanic Falls and South Paris; over 23,600 members and over 1.37 million in assets and serves all of Androscoggin & Oxford Counties.

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am. – Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Investments If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you had bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans at a redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

This Month’s Specials Large Cheeseburger Sub $

3.59

6pc Roadies Chicken tender Snack $

6.29

Large 16" 1-Topping Fresh Dough Pizza $

8.50

PRESIDENTS who would be considered "Washington outsiders" (i.e., the 18 presidents who never served in Congress) are: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Taylor, Grant, Arthur, Cleveland, T. Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Coolidge, Hoover, F. Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, and G. W. Bush.

The linen bandages that were used to wrap Egyptian mummies averaged 1,000 yards in length.

Cats!

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

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Don't steal. That's the government's job.

Most Offers Come with a Hook This is Ours.

Bring your next framing job to D&R Framing and get

FREE Glass

*

*Regular glass - up to 24”x30” • A $22 Value!

CUSTOM FRAMING FOR: Prints, Pictures, Needlework, Diplomas, Sports Memorabilia

Expert Custom Framing

Kristen & Katie

Holiday Santa Party

Santa’s little helpers

eatery & Pub

Out & About at O’Shea’s Irish American

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Quality Personal Service at affordable prices!

FOR TWO YEARS the nation was run by a President and a Vice President who were not elected by the people. After Vice President Spiro T. Agnew resigned in 1973, President Nixon appointed Gerald Ford as Vice President. Nixon resigned the following year, which left Ford as President, and Ford's appointed Vice President, Nelson Rockefeller, as second in line.

THE TERM "First Lady" was used first in 1849 when President Zachary Taylor called Dolley Madison "First Lady" at her state funeral. It gained popularity in 1877 when used in reference to Lucy Ware Webb Hayes. Most First Ladies, including Jackie Kennedy, are said to have hated the label.

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

VICE PRESIDENTS were originally the presidential candidates receiving the secondlargest number of electoral votes. The Twelfth Amendment, passed in 1804, changed the system so that the electoral college voted separately for President and Vice President. The presidential candidate, however, gradually gained power over the nominating convention to choose his own running mate.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

Porter

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Nessie

Boo

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

&T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 35

Out & About with Toni Ferraro Photography

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

EIGHT PRESIDENTS never attended college: Washington, Jackson, Van Buren, Taylor, Fillmore, Lincoln, A. Johnson, and Cleveland.

The college that has the most presidents as alumni (seven in total) is Harvard: J. Adams, J. Q. Adams, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Rutherford B. Hayes, J. F. Kennedy, and George W. Bush.

600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn

786-0112 Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm Sat 9 am - 3 pm www.gregoryshairstyles.com

I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.

– Uncle Andy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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We look forward to creating the perfect new look for you in 2010!

Back L to R: Cheryl, Nuria, Tina, Pat, Terry & Kelly.

Middle: Amy & Michael. Front: Linda, Cory & Kathy

Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

$

100 OFF Normally $2,150

Includes: • Full installation directly into electrical meter

*

Out & About with Toni Ferraro Photography

WHOLE HOME GENERATOR PACKAGE

• Transfer switch • 8500 watt generator

• Electric start • Wheel kit

*Must present or mention ad. Limit 1.

Don’t get stuck in the cold or without power again!

Fully Insured • Free Estimates Specializing in: • Commercial/Industrial & Residential Electrical Installations • Infrared Thermal Imaging to detect potential problems • Custom Electrical Control Panel

See our $ saving coupon on page 50.

Fabrication UL Listed • Generator installation • Automated systems & controls • Telephone & computer wiring • Engineering/Design build

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Deja Vu: When you think you're doing something you've done before. It's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 37

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

eBay@Oxford-Depot.com

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

JAMES BUCHANAN was the only president never to marry. Five presidents remarried after the death of their first wives—two of whom, Tyler and Wilson, remarried while in the White House. Reagan was the only divorced president. Six presidents had no children.

Tyler—father of fifteen— had the most.

THE OLDEST president inaugurated was Reagan (age 69); the youngest was Kennedy (age 43). Theodore Roosevelt, however, was the youngest man to become president—he was 42 when he succeeded McKinley, who had been assassinated.

Tricky Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Out & About at O’Shea’s Irish American eatery & Pub

Holiday Santa Party

Santa baby...

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Sabattus Bait & Tackle Shiners • Smelt • Tommy Cod Worms • Suckers Blood Worms Open 7 days a week 4:30am - 7:00pm 435 Middle Rd./Rte. 9 • Sabattus, ME 04280

Days (207) 375-8728 • Evenings (207) 375-4581 Cell (207) 576-9759

– Uncle Andy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said "That's good son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

President Grant (1869 - 1877) made a habit of relaxing most evenings at the Willard Hotel near the White House. Grant would sit in the lobby of the hotel and enjoy an after-dinner cigar. Those wanting favors from the president found this to be an ideal opportunity. They waited for him in the lobby, and (not so creatively) earned the name "lobbyists."

DRUM LESSONS Mention this ad and your first drum lesson is FREE*

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment

*with your first month of lessons

Now accepting students

Complete Sharpening Service

Learn to play THE RIGHT WAY

DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING 25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861

Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

Glen A. Gisel

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair 376-3376 Did you get a new instrument for Christmas?

Come in and learn how to play it!

8 teachers offering lessons in: Guitar, piano, violin, banjo, mandolin, voice, brass and woodwinds AUTHORIZED

SERVICE CENTER

We service string instruments, amps, brass & woodwinds.

We sell quality new & used instruments and all accessories for them. Rental guitar and violin packages available to our students

134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 39

Linda & Leo Beaudin Leo’s Custom Upholstery is proudly celebrating their 24th year in business Leo started his career working for another upholsterer where Leo learned the art. Seven years later, he decided to open his first shop in his garage at home and quickly outgrew the space. His first shop was on Washington St., then to Main St., in Auburn. Then the opportunity arose where he could buy the commercial property at 28 Riverside Drive in Auburn, where he is still located today.

Leo became best known for his workmanship on custom interiors for Street Rods, Antique cars, Muscle cars, Boats and Airplanes. His work has become known throughout the country for his craftsmanship and attention to detail on vehicles such as Model A’s, Bentleys, Buicks, Pierce Arrows, Lincoln’s and best of all his handiwork on a ’32 Cadillac which once complete was shipped to the Royal Family in Australia. Much of the custom interiors have won national awards and magazine features. Leo’s work extends to convertible tops, exam tables, waiting room chairs, bike seats and boats seats.

Beaudin is a member of the Better Business Bureau, Pro Pad, and a Katzkin dealer.

Leo’s wife, Linda joined the business 20 years ago and together they have been married for 35 years. Both Leo and Linda wish to invite anyone with upholstery needs to call or stop by for a free quote and check out the fine work they can offer at Leo’s Custom Upholstery. See their ad on page 17.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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JANUARY 2010

783-7039

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The highest temperature ever recorded in the world was 136.4 degrees Fahrenheit at El Azizia, Lybia, on September 13, 1922.

Daily Specials Monday ..............Fergy Tuesday ..............Meatball or Meatball w/Cheese Wednesday.........Spaghetti Thursday............Mini Pizza Friday..................$1 OFF Any Large Pizza Saturday .............2 Ham or Salami Italians Sunday................Baked Ziti, Bread & Salad See our money saving coupon on page 51.

Come to Luiggi’s for great food, great people, and great prices!

Emelia Granddaughter of Bev at Luiggi’s

GOOGOL is a 1 followed by 100 zeros. Mathematician Edward Kasner supposedly asked his nephew Milton Sirotta to suggest a name for the number, and he came up with this word, which is now found in many dictionaries. The million, billion, trillion, quadrillion system skips over this number. A googolplex is 1 followed by a googol of zeros.

Word Fun: The three-syllable word HIDEOUS, with the change of a single consonant, becomes a two-syllable word with no vowel sounds in common: HIDEOUT We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

STILL LOOKING FOR ME? CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. • Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

JASON HALL

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

The greatest snowfall ever in a single storm was 189 inches at the Mount Shasta Ski Bowl in February, 1959.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

Out & About with Toni Ferraro Photography

0

892-822

on Rt

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Voted #1 Catering in L/A for 7 years in a row & Voted Best Breakfast spot in L/A 3 years in a row!

This is where all the heavy hitters meet to settle their differences.

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu Tune in next month to see who paid for breakfast!

Dick Courtemanche vs. Uncle Andy

87 Mill St. New Auburn, ME (207) 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

Little Travis: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Little Travis: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Out & About with the Maine-E-Acts Central Maine Twirling Corps

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

Samantha Harvey a member of Main-E-Acts Central Maine Twirling Corps Wow! It was so cool to see so many people cheering for my sister and the other Main-E -Acts!

Assisted Home Care would like to take this moment to say,

Great job Karen Martin!

She has been a part of our family since May 5, 2008. Karen is a part of our private duty staff and is very dedicated and compassionate to her residents. She is a vital part of a team that thrives on helping and caring for people. The private duties she is assigned to can’t say enough about her job performance. So if you would like to part of our family we have a large staff of wonderful caring aides such as Karen Martin just call us at Assisted Home Care.

Victoria Harvey How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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JULY 2009 783-7039

Assisted Home Care For more information visit us at: 550 College Street, Lewiston

783-7375 We service Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

TOP TEN REASONS TO COME TO PANACHE IN 2010 10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

Convenient & easily accessible location with lots of parking Our stylists’ attention to detail Pleasant atmosphere • Facials Clean & modern salon • Manicures • Pedicures Locally owned & operated • Massage We use & sell only the highest quality hair products • Artificial Nails • Cuts & Styles Spa services: massage, waxing, facials, reflexology, • Colors & Highlights manicures & pedicures • Waxing 3. Full service hair & nail salon • Reflexology • Arbonne Make-up 2. Our promise of satisfaction • Eyelash Tinting 1. Stylists & spa technicians with over 150 years of • Extensions combined experience, educated and trained in the latest • Braiding trends & techniques

Proudly celebrating our 1-year anniversary Thank you to all of our wonderful clients for helping us be a success!

The Panache Team Back L to R:

Michelle Higgins, Elizabeth Bryant, Christine Plourd, Kasey Lambert Front L to R Lynn Norris, Kathy Long, Emily Erickson, Daniel Laroche & Cindy Whetzel

782-9009 • 20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

In a Cat’s World Shopping always makes me tired

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

WE HAVE ALL THE TOOLS YOU NEED! Home Equity Lines of Credit... 3.25% APR*

Back Row L to R: Jan Aliberti, Michelle Green, Roger Bosse Front Row L to R: Rebecca Branagan, Bruce Luong

Call one of our highly qualified loan officers today!

With a Community Credit Union line of credit you can: Do home repairs & remodels • Consolidate debt • Take a vacation ... or whatever else you choose!

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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*Annual Percentage Rate. Rate is based on prime + 0% and is adjusted quarterly (Jan. 1, Apr. 1, Jul. 1, Oct. 1).

Minimum line of credit is $5,000, maximum is 80% of appraised value, up to $300,000, to qualified borrowers.

Must be homeowner, minimum age 18, primary residence, 1-4 family owner occupied, excludes manufactured homes and land. Subject to clear title and sufficient appraised market value. Member eligibility required.

Some restrictions may apply.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

Out & About at O’Shea’s Irish American

We’ve Moved... But Not Far!

eatery & Pub

Still at 120 Center Street Plaza in Auburn Now next to VIP Eyes & Tin Tin Buffet

Holiday Santa Party If you weren’t here I’ll bet you wish you were now. Stop by O’Shea’s soon... one of us will be glad to wait on you!

Shipping made easy!

120 Center Street • Auburn

784-9900 www.auburngoinpostal.com

That’s right, this is the place to be!

SIMPLICITY FLEXIBILITY

EASE

Your local option for outsourcing your payroll...

Check us out for all your payroll needs!

PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com On the other hand... You have different fingers.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Auburn Savings Bank donates to Habitat for Humanity

The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.

MASTER YOUR GREAT

OUTDOORS

™

with Husqvarna

Allen Sterling, president of Auburn Savings Bank presents a check for $1,000 to Kim Polley, treasurer of Androscoggin Habitat for Humanity. The contribution was made possible by Auburn Savings Bank’s participation in the Community Development Advance Program.

Through the Federal Home Loan Bank of Boston (FHLB), Auburn Savings Bank has the ability to borrow funds that are used to lend to small business for commercial real estate, lines of credit and other commercial loans. For more information visit, www.auburnsavings.com.

See their ad on page 35.

We're just 2 of the 99 reasons to come to the 99 Restaurant...

924SBE Snow Thrower

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• Tecumseh L-Head Snow King® engine • 9.0 hp, 24” clearing path • Remote chute rotation control • Electric start Price…$999.95

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Professionally Proven Outdoor Power Equipment

MasterYourGreatOutdoors.com VISIT YOUR LOCAL HUSQVARNA DEALER FOR EXPERT ADVICE, SERVICE AND FULL SELECTION.

Brittany & Lyn

REGGIE’S SALES AND SERVICE

1334 MINOT AVE. AUBURN ME 04210 207-783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday 7:00am-7:00pm Tuesday and Thursday 7:00am-5:00pm • Saturday 8:00am-3:00pm

99 Restaurant in Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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The world's first speed limit regulation was in England in 1903. It was 20 mph.

SAME DAY TAX REFUND! Anticipation Loan

Five Star Tax Service Personal & Commercial

Income Tax Preparation Business Proprietorship Rental Properties Professional & Accurate Reasonable Rates

Call

783-6190 TODAY Home Visitation Available

Ronald Jean

27 Cram Avenue • Lewiston

Maine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & Lewiston

67 Centre Street • Bath, ME 04530 Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963

Bottle Redemption Advertise your special discount here!

Call us today at 783-7039.

Earn 10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon

Mechanic Falls Redemption 128 Lewiston Street, McFalls • 345-3765 Open 7 Days 9am - 5pm

SAVE 2 $

$10 OFF

1 Large Bean Special

Ski or Snowboard Tune-up

1 quart of beans, 1 pint of cole slaw, 1 bread

$5 (Regular price = $7)

Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.

Andy’s Baked Beans & Tavern 47 Broad St., Auburn • 782-9044

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Discount Wood Pellets $

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

784-0103

Whole Home Generator Package

10 OFF

$

Regular $269/ton • $259/ton with coupon

100 OFF

Electrical Systems Of Maine

Electrical Systems Of Maine

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Ron’s Car & Truck Service

Buy more Save more!

UP TO

$5 OFF

20% OFF

Oil Change

See page 41 for more information 19 Industrial Way, Oxford • 539-9022

11.5 miles from the Chick A Dee Restaurant, next door to Moose Creek Log Homes 2319 Auburn Road • Route 4, Turner • 212-8811

1. OFF

Any purchase of $5 or more

5 Washington St., Auburn • 783-4304

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

$ 00

Normal price $32

20 Point Inspection • Lube • Oil • Filter

SLC Electrical

10% OFF Any & all electrical jobs

SLC Electrical (207) 577-3615 email: slc2007@roadrunner.com Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

!

YUMMY

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page

Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page Affordable Plowing $

100 OFF

$

SAVE 10

any Napoleon Pellet or Woodstove

$25/storm (normally $35).

For most residential driveways

$25 OFF $15 OFF

4-Wheel Brake Job 2-Wheel Brake Job

11.5 miles from the Chick A Dee Restaurant, next door to Moose Creek Log Homes 2319 Auburn Road • Route 4, Turner • 212-8811

Call us about the Federal energy stimulus to learn how you can receive up to

Paul Mason Jr. & Son Home Improvement LLC Roofing & Siding Master Craftsmen MAINTENANCE FREE Vinyl Siding • Lots of new colors & styles available Metal Roofing • Shingle Roofing • Insulated Siding • Blown-in Insulation • Windows & Doors

10 OFF

$

all 1 hour services in January!

ELEMENT DAY SPA 8 Market Square • South Paris • 739-6789 visit our Facebook page or www.elementdayspa.org

FREE Winter Checkup Appointment Required

Lincoln Street Radiator Shop 1522 Lisbon St., Lewiston 784-9356

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

30 years experience • Fully insured

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

353-8943 or 576-8536

$

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

1 OFF Any Large Pizza

63 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 782-9301

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

SNOW REMOVAL & ROOF SHOVELLING Paul Mason Jr. & Son Home Improvement LLC 353-8943 or 576-8536

10 OFF

$

Eye Exams - Appt. required

Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street. Auburn 782-5030

10% OFF VW & AUDI SERVICE

459 Washington Street in Auburn • 878-9088

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Ron’s Car & Truck Service

1525 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-6927

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 1/31/10

Mike’s Plowing Call 577-2280

In a Cat’s World

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

BREAKFAST SPECIALS “All breakfast specials include coffee.”

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am You asked… we listened! A new brand of coffee!

Fresh steak cut and ground daily.

Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast.............$3.55 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.....................$3.55 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.55

5 Washington St., Auburn

THURSDAY: French Toast ......$3.55

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.55

Phone Orders Are Welcome

SUNDAY: French Crepes ........$3.55

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette ..$3.55

Prices do not include tax.

Expires 1/31/10

$

1 OFF Any Purchase of $500 or more 1 coupon per order Also, see our $ saving coupon on page 50.

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

Private Super Bowl Party Sunday, February 7th Get your tickets NOW! Pumkinhead Beer still available on draft

We show all the games!!

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.

"You didn't borrow this," she replied.

"I will," I quickly responded.

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

Not only are we environmentally friendly... but we’re also budget friendly! Call us for a free estimate!!

OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products

www.KandLGreenClean.com

K+L GREEN CLEAN 577-8725 "Helping the environment one job at a time"

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

Thanks for picking us up!

We hope you enjoy the new and improved Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Thank you to everyone who helped us have a great year!

We wish you all a wonderful 2010 and look forward to seeing you during the new year.

All About You The All About You Family

Styling Salon 41 Broad Street • Auburn • 784-5407

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

What did one lab rat say to the other?

I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, that's a hardware problem Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 53

The Investigation Submitted by Jimbo

A workman was killed at a construction site.

The police began questioning a number of the other workers.

Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

You Know youʼre getting older when... You don't remember being absent minded.

Wishing everyone a great year of health & prosperity from the entire staff of

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn • 782-3457 www.annsflower.com

Presidential Facts: George Washington had no formal education. He was the only president elected unanimously. He received all 69 electoral votes. At his inauguration, Washington had only one tooth. At various times he wore dentures made of human teeth, animal teeth, ivory or even lead. Never wood. In addition to the nation's capital and the state, 31 counties and 17 towns are named in his honor. He stood 6 feet and 2 inches tall, weighed 200 pounds and wore size 13 shoes. He is the only president who didn't live in Washington, D.C. during his presidency. During his presidency the Judiciary Act of 1789 established the federal court system, the Bank Act of 1791 established a nation wide banking system, the Bill of Rights became law on December 15, 1791.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

Great job, Pat. It is an honor to present you with this small token of the city’s appreciation for your efforts to make a positive difference in this community.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

When the mason heard he was a suspect he was mortar-fied.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Pat Long-Cressey of Gregory’s Hair Salon accepts award from outgoing Mayor John Jenkins You Know youʼre getting older when... You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

You Know youʼre getting older when... You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Interviews • Court Room Testimony Corporate Drug Detection Assessments • Surveillance Trial Preparation

IN HOME DRUG TESTING KITS & SUPPLIES AVAILABLE Instant and Accurate Results

(continued from previous page)

police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

A traveller came up to a fisherman. "Having any luck?"

"Not so bad", the fisherman replied. "I haven't had a bite in three hours."

• Workplace Drug Testing • Background Checks • Drug Detection Assessments • Hair Follicle Drug Testing • DNA & Paternity Testing • On-site Testing • Know your child’s DNA - We do DNA Mapping (aka CSI...Child Safety Identification)

"What's so good about that?", the traveller asked in surprise.

Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator 577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com

"You see that guy over there? Well he hasn't had a bite in six hours."

Acupuncture was first used as a medical treatment in 2700 BC by Chinese emperor Shen-Nung.

Uncle Andy’s Digest visits Afghanistan On Dec 2nd, Bill Brackett of William J. Rogers Post 153 in Auburn (formerly New Auburn Legion), visited the Uncle Andy’s Digest office with a special request for 50 Digests to send in care packages to the Army National Guard's 619th Transportation Division, stationed in Afghanistan. The Digest will be just one a number of items shipped out in early December to the troops to help remind them of home and help them have some of the necessities.

"One of the things a lot of the troops asked for are local papers from home, we thought Uncle Andyʼs Digest was perfect with the one-liners and pictures of local people," Bill Brackett stated. ,

Bill Brackett

William J. Rogers Post 153 has been putting together and sending care packages to the troops in Afghanistan since the war began in 2001, and has sent an estimated 2 to 3 tons of supplies and items to date. The next packages will be going out sometime in January or February, and any person or business who would like to help out with this effort is encouraged to contact The Post for more information on how to donate. There is an ever changing list of basic supplies and items that the troops need and also monetary donations are helpful to purchase those items and to also cover the costs ship the packages directly to Afghanistan. For more information on how to help, stop by the William J. Rogers Post 153 in New Auburn at 71 South Main St. or call 782-1118.

You Know youʼre getting older when... The girls at the office start confiding in you.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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In a Cat’s World

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

EARN 10% MORE in January with any amount of bottles with this coupon

Open 7 Days 9am - 5pm

Mechanic Falls Redemption 128 Lewiston Street • McFalls • 345-3765

Richard Conway

Support local business. Use our advertisers!

Full Foil & Cut only

*

$59

Even the people in Italy said Uncle Andy was a little more tilted than the Leaning Tower of Pisa

*New clients onlynot visited in the past year.

Visit

www.OrbitHair.com to book your appointment online or call

782-9046 ORBIT HAIR STYLING 124 Ash St. Lewiston 56

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783-7039

John Adams graduated from Harvard College (1755). Adams was the great-great-grandson of John and Priscilla Alden, pilgrims who landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620.

In 1800 the U.S. capital moved from Philadelphia to Washington, D.C. Adams and Jefferson were the only presidents to sign the Declaration of Independence, and they both died on its 50th anniversary, July 4, 1826. Vice-President under Washington. Older that any other president at his death, he lived 90 years, 247 days.

Around the World (in Italy) with Barb & Jason

Limited Time Offer.

Very long hair may be additional.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Presidential Facts:

I bet you I could stop gambling.

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. – Uncle Andy

HUGE SALE

30% to 50% OFF

In a Cat’s World Hairballs

We carry Burton, Rome, K2, Salomon, Oakley, Nitro and other top brands.

Check us out!

on all leftover snow gear, boots, boards & bindings

If you haven’t seen our brand new showroom, you gotta stop in. You’ll be blown away with our selection!

1 Garfield Road, Auburn • 344-6622

Presidential Facts: Thomas Jefferson graduated from the College of William and Mary in 1762. He was the Secretary of State under Washington, Vice-President under Adams. Jefferson was the first president to shake hands with guests. Previously people bowed to Presidents. Jefferson's library of 6,000 books was purchased for $23,950 and formed the basis of the Library of Congress. Principal author of the Declaration of Independence. First president to take his oath in Washington, D.C. Jefferson and Adams were the only presidents to sign the Declaration of Independence. He designed his own tombstone and wrote his own epitaph, omitting the fact that he was President of the United States.

Office and Training Room Rentals Affordable location for small and micro businesses.

Located at 646 Main Street in Lewiston Call Callahan Property Management, LLC and ask for Nancy

• Easy to find on Main St. • Lots of parking • Handicap accessible for 1st floor units • Sprinkler system • Utilities included

207-212-3305

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

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The largest iceberg ever recorded worldwide was 207 miles long and 62 miles wide. Where was it found? a. Off the coast of Greenland b. In the Arctic c. In the Antarctica d. Off the coast of Baffin Island Correct answer: b. In the Arctic

Who invented the snowmobile? a. Henry Ford of Michigan b. Robert Francis St. Jean of Switzerland c. Joseph-Armand Bombardier of Quebec d. David Bushnell of Connecticut Correct answer: c. Joseph-Armand Bombardier of Quebec

Where it came from

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.

Tuesday & Thursday Specials!

9pm-Midnight Well Drinks

$ 00

4

Don’t forget! Jello Shots Always $1 Any Domestic

$ 00

2

69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287 Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am Artistic interpretation of Travis and Blake Dow in about 5 years

Presidential Facts: James Madison graduated from the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University; 1771). He was Secretary of State under Jefferson.

Citing continued attacks on its ships, the United States declared war on Britain in June 1812. British troops burned the White House 1814. Madison was the first president who had prior service as a congressman. He was the first president to wear trousers rather than knee breeches. He stood 5 feet 4 inches, the shortest president.

The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging."

Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye out.

One Fell Swoop means 'all at once.' It has nothing to do with falling. Fell comes from the old English word ʻfelʼ which means cruel, deadly or ruthless...and is also the root of the word felon. The expression “one fell swoop; first appeared in Macbeth, when Shakespeare compares the sudden death of a character to an eagle swooping down on some chickens and carrying them off.

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.

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A salt water tank with marine fish is colorful, exciting and will last for years to come!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies •

People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

In a Cat’s World

Sunday Morning Brunch Full menu available along with A la Carte breakfast selections.

10am to 2pm

782-2088 150 Mill Street Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com Hummingbirds cannot walk.

Let’s see Batman top this...

GRANITE Starting at $39 sq. ft.

QUARTZ Cambria, HanStone, Silestone, Zodiaq, Caesarstone, Viatera

SHOWROOM 995 Center Street, Auburn Phone: 786-5556 • Fax: 786-5557 www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Presidential Facts: James Monroe graduated from the College of William and Mary in 1776. He was Secretary of State under Madison. And Secretary of Was under Madison. Convention of 1818 fixed the boundary between the U.S. and British North America. In 1819 purchased Florida from Spain for the cancellation of $5 million in debts. On December 2, 1923 proclaimed the Monroe Doctrine, warning European powers not to interfere in U.S. affairs. First president to ride on a steamboat. First U.S. Senator to become president. First inaugural to be held outdoors.

His daughter was the first to be married in the White House. The U.S. Marine band played at his second inaugural and every inauguration since.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Did you forget something at Christmas or want to pick out something special for Valentine’s Day? Then come see the professional staff at Day’s Jewelers

Rebecca Harmatys

The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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daysjewelers.com In Auburn: 600 Center Street ~ Shaw’s Plaza 207-784-6766 You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

In a Cat’s World

WOOD PELLET BLOWOUT SALE!

$269/ton $

9 OFF/ton with this coupon Expires 1/31/10 Limit 1

100% Maine Wood Pellets

Limited Supply… Call Today! $ave on heating costs Environmentally Friendly

We Specialize in: • Commercial/Industrial & Residential Electrical Installations • Infrared Thermal Imaging to detect potential problems • Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed

See our $ saving coupon on page 50.

Grand Rapids, Michigan was the 1st US city to fluoridate its water in 1945.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced in 1978 that it would alternate men's and women's names in the naming of hurricanes.

It was seen as an attempt at fair play.

Hurricanes had been named for women for years, until NOAA succumbed to pressure from women's groups who were demanding that Atlantic storms be given unisex names.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

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www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

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Presidential Facts: Andrew Jackson had no formal education.

He was first man elected from Tennessee to the House of Representatives, and he served briefly in the Senate. Placed 2,000 of his political supporters in government jobs and established a "kitchen cabinet" of informal advisors. In 1835 he made the final installment of national debt making Jackson the only president of a debt free United States. He was the only president to serve in both the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812. He was the only president to have been a prisoner of war. He was the first president to have been born in a log cabin. First president to ride a railroad train. Wounded in a duel at the age of 39, Jackson carried the bullet, lodged near his heart, to his grave.

The term "dog days" has nothing to do with dogs. It dates back to Roman times, when it was believed that Sirius, the Dog Star, added its heat to that of the sun from July 3 to August 11, creating exceptionally high temperatures. The Romans called the period dies canicular, or "days of the dog."

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A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

New Medical Reimbursements for 2010?

The Choice is Crystal Clear Come see the new eyeglasses at V.I.P. Eyes

JANUARY SPECIAL BUY 1 pair of designer eyeglasses

Get 1 FREE pair of in-stock single vision value-line glasses Not to be combined with any other offers, some restrictions may apply

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Huge Selection of Designer Eyewear 120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

Vision at a Value

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783-4226

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. I was reading it and it said: day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

Friends of Wilbur Trask Hmm... Should I should take the 4WD pickup...

...or the 1936 Ford. I better call Wilbur. He’ll know what the weather is gonna be like today.

Photos taken and submitted by Wilbur Trask

Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

Windows 7: Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Word Fun ADCOMSUBORDCOMPHIBSPAC is the longest acronym in the 1965 edition of the Acronyms, Initialisms, and Abbreviations Dictionary. It is a Navy term standing for Administrative Command, Amphibious Forces, Pacific Fleet Subordinate Command.

Another acronym, PUMCODOXPURSACOMLOPAR, stands for "pulse-modulated coherent Doppler-effect X-band pulse-repetition synthetic-array pulse compression lobe planar array".

CubiclesInMaine.com

The longest muscle in the human body is the sartorius. This narrow muscle of the thigh passes obliquely across the front of the thigh and helps rotate the leg to the position assumed in sitting cross-legged. Its name is a derivation of the adjective "sartorial," a reference to what was the traditional crosslegged position of tailors (or "sartors") at work.

Did You Know?

CubiclesInMaine.com 207-576-4533 • 67 Minot Ave. 2nd floor • Auburn Repetition does not establish validity.

The lapsed time in seconds between seeing a flash of lightning and hearing a thunderbolt is a measure of the distance between the observer and the storm at the rate of 5 seconds per mile.

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The rural community named Ding Dong, Texas began when two cousins named Bell opened a store there.

A local who was hired to paint the storeʼs sign designed a pictorial pun with a bell on each end of the sing with the words “Ding Dong” in between. By the way, Ding Dong is located in Bell County.

Because of a tidal interaction causing the moon to recede from the earth, the earthʼs rotation is slowing 23.2 microseconds per year.

This means that in 155 million years, there will be twenty-five hours in a day instead of twenty-four, and the year will have only 350.5 days.

Frostproof, Florida began with the name Keystone City. The Post Office Department asked the residents to find a new name to avoid confusion with a town in the northern part of the state named Keystone Heights. Although a few freezes have hit the area throughout the years, generally itʼs not hard enough to damage the precious fruit trees and citizens are quick to remind a smart aleck that the town was not named ʻFrostfree!”

Monday is the only day of the week that has an anagram: Dynamo Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

NO COVER - LIVE BANDS Call for band schedule Enjoy the games on our Large Screen TV!

Everyday Deli Specials

97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668 We’re all happy campers at Pelletier’s Karate.

Not only is it fun, it’s a great workout!

L to R: Jaedyn Gousse, Kayla Provencher

& Jordan Rubin All students of Pelletier’s Karate

Cleveland: The largest city in Ohio, one of the leading industrial centers of the United States, was founded in 1796 by a surveyor for the Connecticut Land Company. His name was Moses Cleaveland, and a village formed on the site he had surveyed along the southern shore of Lake Erie was named after him. But in 1831 a newspaper printer misspelled the name, dropping the “a” from Cleaveland. The village now grown into a city has been known as Cleveland -without the a- ever since.

Interestingly, residents of Cleveland lovingly refer to their city as the mistake by the lake, but not necessarily because of the typographical error.

The Music Garage Low Overhead Means Great Savings!

Celebrating our 1 Year Anniversary Guitars starting at $79 • Buy • Sell • Trade • • Vintage Instruments • 2 For 1 on select guitar strings • Full Line of Accessories • Buy 1 pack, get 2nd free!

We Love Trades!

Randy Donovan

10 Switzerland Rd. • Lewiston, ME (Across from L-A Harley)

576-5412 • grittys@adelphia.net Hours: Mon.-Thu. Noon-8pm • Sat. 10-5 • Call for Sunday Hours

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me. – Uncle Andy

We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads.

Presidential Facts

CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!

Abraham Lincoln had no formal education.

On April 12, 1861 Confederate forces attacked Fort Sumter in Charleston, South Carolina setting off the Civil War. Lincoln quickly mobilized the Union by executive order. January 1, 1863 he formally issued the Emancipation Proclamation. On November 19, of that same year he delivered the Gettysburg Address.

On April 9, 1865 Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant signed term of Confederate surrender at Appomattox, Virginia.

Five days later, on April 14, 1865 Lincoln went to Ford's Theater to watch "Our American Cousin" and was shot by actor John Wilkes Booth. He died the next morning at Petersen's Boarding House. Lincoln was the first president to die by assassination. At 6 feet 4 inches he was the tallest president.

Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd, had a brother, half-brothers and brothers-in-law who fought in the Confederate Army. Lincoln was the only president to receive a patent, for a device for lifting boats over shoals. He was the first president to wear a beard. His son Robert Todd Lincoln, was in Washington,

We Buy, Sell & Trade Buying small & large firearm collections Check us out!

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

Blake & Travis Dow

Daddy loves his little Blakester!

Home of the Double Yolker

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

HAPPY

NEW YEAR! Open 7 Days 6am-2pm DAILY SPECIALS Breakfast & Lunch WALL OF FAME

& Bakery

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 The four stages of man are: infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence.

(continued on next page)

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D.C. when Lincoln was killed, was also on the scene when President Garfield was shot in 1881, and President McKinley was assassinated in 1901. A poll of historians named Lincoln the nation's greatest president.

Washington was second.

Wisdom consists in knowing what to do with what you know.

Welcome Aboard Jessica Hall I welcome all of my past clients to call or stop by for a wonderful cut, color or style!

Special with Jessica

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Any Cut

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Weddings One of the most important and traditional ceremonies in our lives.

Ever wonder how some of our wedding traditions got started?

Hereʼs a few: The word wedding comes from the AngloSaxon wedd, meaning a pledge.

in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202 • www.davanti-salon.com Hours: Tues - Fri. 10-6 • Saturday 10-4 (closed Sun. & Mon.) • Appointments Appreciated • Walk-Ins Welcome

You Know youʼre getting older when... The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.

You Know youʼre getting older when... The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.

You Know youʼre getting older when... The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

In olden days, a man "plighting his troth" meant entering a legal agreement, which is where we get the term "betrothal."

In many African tribes, a man cannot marry until he, his father, or uncles have paid a brideswealth in money, livestock or other valuables to the girlʼs family.

The dowry system, in which a bride was expected to bring valuables to the marriage, was observed in many cultures. It was originally intended as compensation for the burden undertaken by the new groom of supporting a wife.

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Meet the Cardiac Club Board of Directors

Secretary V. President

Treasurer President

Paul Gagnon, Nel Carrier, Norm McKeone & Doug Haines If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take eight minutes for people on earth to be aware of the fact.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Out & About with Blake Dow

www.colefarms.com A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray, Maine JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

Hours: Monday-Thursday 6 am – 9 pm; Friday 6 am – 9:30 pm Saturday 6 am – 9:30 pm; Sunday 6 am – 9 pm

MORE THAN 60 DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM!

My Bumpa brings me to Cole Farms every week!

I love the eggs and toast and chicken fingers and desserts and...

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich Served from 10:30-3:30

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . .$8.95 w/Potatoes, Peas, Squash, Stuffing, Gravy & Rolls

Tuesday Yankee Pot Roast$7.95 w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls

Wednesday Chicken Pot Pie . .$6.75 w/Potato & Rolls

Thursday New England Boiled Dinner $8.95

Jr “Bumpa” & Emma

w/Corned beef, Potato, Cabbage, Carrots, Turnip, Beets & Roll

Friday - Lasagna . . .$8.75

BREAKFAST BUFFET SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Served from 7am-10:30am Adults . . . . . .$6.50 6 & under . . .$3.50

w/Salad & Rolls

Sunday - Roast Pork$8.75 w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday & Saturday -

After 4:00 PM

Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

The tradition of wearing wedding rings on the third finger has two sources: one started back in ancient times when it was believed that the third finger had a nerve that ran straight to the heart; the second is metaphorical, while every other finger can be extended to its full length and straightness alone, the ring finger can only be fully extended in the company of an adjacent finger.

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Presidential Facts

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Andrew Johnson: No formal education. Vice President under Lincoln. On May 29, 1865 issued Amnesty Proclamation, pardoning all Confederates except those with property in excess of $ 20,000 and certain Confederate leaders.

On December 6, 1865 the 13th amendment, officially abolishing slavery, was ratified.

On march 30, 1867 the U.S. purchased Alaska from Russia for $ 7.2 million. Johnson was married at a younger age than any other president. He was 18 on May 5, 1827 and Eliza McCardle was 16. He is the only president to serve in the Senate after his presidency. He was host to the first Queen to first the White house.

Queen Emma of Hawaii. Johnson was the only president to be impeached by the House, but on March 26, 1868 was acquitted by the Senate by a one-vote margin. Has was buried beneath a willow tree he planted himself with a shoot taken from a tree at Napoleon's tomb.

Most marriages still occur in the month of June. The tradition started with Roman brides because June is named after the Roman god Juno, the Goddess of Love and Marriage.

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It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on.

EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!

The Perfect Place to Dine any time of the day!

Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm

784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

Around the World (in Italy) with Barb & Jason Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.

784-0103

This is the path less traveled...

You know, theyʼve got a luggage store in the airport? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Screw it - just grab a pile of clothes. We'll get a bag at the airport'.

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

Church Smiles Start out the new year with a tune up!

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

$10 OFF

Ski or Snowboard Tune-up

See our money saving coupon on page 50.

Expires 1/31/10

JANUARY BLOW-OUT SALE

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Markdowns up to on select products Stop in for the best products and service in town

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

The largest bank note was the Chinese 1 Kwan, printed in the 14th century, measuring 9 x 13 inches.

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Presidential Facts James Buchanan: Graduated Dickinson College (1809). Secretary of State under Polk. In 1857 Buchanan recommended a pro-slavery Kansas constitution.

The constitution was rejected and Buchanan lost northern support.

1858 northern candidates opposing Buchanan won a majority in both houses of Congress. 1859 John Brown was seized at Harpers Ferry and hanged for his attempt to start a slave revolt.

February 4, 1861 seven southern states formed the Confederacy. By the time Buchanan was 30 years old, he had amassed a fortune of $ 300,000. He was never married, so the duties of White House hostess were performed by his niece, Harriet Lane.

One of his eyes was nearsighted and the other farsighted. As a result he always cocked his head to the left. Buchanan tired of being president and refused to run for reelection.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

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for most Hardcover Books Selective Hard Covers $2 Regular Paperbacks $1/ea

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Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Featuring

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Every year that is divisible by 4 is a leap year, except for centennial years that are not divisible by 400. For example the years 200, 2400 will be leap years but 2100 and 2200 will not.

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8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

s Alway g n i Buy

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: 2 Convicts Evade Noose: Jury Hung

Now serving breakfast 6 days a week!

Monday - Friday 6:30–10:30am, Sat. 6:30-11

Check out these DAILY SPECIALS!

Daily Dinner & Drink Specials, Fresh Homemade Pizzas and Desserts 8 Beers on Tap and a Full Bar

Mondays: Ham or Turkey Italians with lettuce & tomato...............$3.99 Tuesdays: Fried BBQ Chicken wrap $3.99 (add Fries for $1 more) Wednesdays: Pizza Day! Small Cheese or Pepperoni..............................$3.99 Thursdays: Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla .................................$3.99 Fridays: Bocce Burrito ..............$3.99 Fresh Haddock Fish-n-Chips ....$7.99

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

30 Lowell Street Lewiston

312-5100

"Practical politics consists in ignoring facts." – Henry Adams

Around the World (in Italy) with Barb & Jason

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house.

Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Hey Barb, can I get that copy of Uncle Andy’s once you’re done?

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

The phrase "raining cats and dogs" originated in 17th Century England. During heavy downpours of rain, many of these poor animals unfortunately drowned and their bodies would be seen floating in the rain torrents that raced through the streets.

The situation gave the appearance that it had literally rained "cats and dogs" and led to the current expression.

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You Know youʼre getting older when... The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

Ike It was a big upset when Dwight Eisenhower was picked ahead of many more senior officers to lead Allied armies to victory in Europe in World War II. He wasnʼt made a full colonel until 1941, and wasnʼt even a general until right before the war. But he led war games in Louisiana and his maneuvers in the exercises caught the eye of the Army Chief of Staff General George Marshall. That catapulted him forward on a meteoric rise from obscurity to superstardom.

Just six months after being made a colonel, Ike was promoted to brigadier general and given the assignment of charting an Allied invasion of Europe. Three days after submitting his plan he was named commander of American Forces in Europe. He had been advanced above 366 senior officers for the job.

Did You Know?

Your thumbnail grows more slowly than any of your fingernails.

––––––––––– Each employee at Ben & Jerry's headquarters gets three pints of free ice cream a day.

––––––––––– The smallest, shallowest ocean on Earth: The Arctic Ocean.

––––––––––– Baby seahorses are called 'colts.'

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Come see our new 180fx Formica Laminates today!

The closest thing to solid granite look at the low, low price of laminates!

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com We give advice, but we do not inspire conduct.

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

The

BATHROOMS up to 50 sq/ft installed $

375

Who is this flooring guy and what is he doing this crazy special in Uncle Andy’s for anyway?

price includes tile*, mortar, grout, subfloor, transitions at doorway & toilet

MARK SHEINK TURNER, MAINE *a nice selection of tile at .99¢ sq/ft

725

price includes tile*mortar, grout, subfloor, transitions at doorways & appliance moving for job.

754-0465 email: floormaine@gmail.com

20 YEARS EXPERIENCE FULLY INSURED • FREE ESTIMATES

WINTER TILE SPECIAL KITCHENS up to 100 sq/ft $ installed

INSTALLATION RATES Carpet Laminate

50¢/sq.ft Hardwood $2.25/sq.ft. $1.50/sq.ft. Vinyl $2.00/sq.ft.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

VINCENT SQUARE – AUBURN For Rent:

1 Bed units start at $488 2 Bed units start at $584

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INCOME GUIDELINES DO APPLY

• SMOKE FREE BUILDING • On City Bus Line • No Pets Allowed

784-7351 www.auburnhousing.org

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Alton Attorney accidentally sues himself

Super Tuesday: Why is the presidential election held in November? Congress decided that it was practical because the young nation was largely a rural farming country. Early November seemed the best time because harvesting would be over and Winter would not yet have made Northern roads impassable. At any other time, farmers were either too busy, or it was too hard for them to reach the polls.

Wedding traditions and how they started The tradition of the best man started to keep the groom from going back for anything once he started for the church or wedding ceremony. Turning around and going back for any reason was considered a very bad omen for the wedding. The best man was to prevent that from happening. In several ancient societies where men would often gain a bride through kidnapping, the best manʼs job was to assist the groom in grabbing the girl, then guarding the place of their first union so as not to be disturbed by the girlʼs family coming to retrieve her.

It takes 4,000 grains of sugar to fill a teaspoon.

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Atlas Fun Facts

You Know youʼre getting older when... It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Greenland: The largest island in the world, got its name not because it has lush green fields which the name implies, but rather because people were purposely misled to believe that it had greenery, or good place to grow crop to make a good living.

Viking explorers called the frozen island in the Arctic Circle Greenland to attract settlers, who otherwise might have been scared off. However, only the coastal area turns green and even this greening occurs solely during Greenland's brief summer. But long after the Vikings had passed and their subterfuge had been discovered, the erroneous label remained as the island's official name.

This one is about Uncle Andy, Jimbo and Travis. They were sent to the desert, and they could each bring one thing with them.

Jimbo brought food so he wouldn't starve.

Travis brought water so he wouldn't get dehydrated.

Uncle Andy brought their car door so if he got hot he could roll down the window.

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You Know youʼre getting older when... It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

You Know youʼre getting older when...

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

Young Love Submitted by Jimbo

ICE FISHING HEADQUARTERS! Live Bait • Traps • Augers • Bait Buckets and MORE! Open 7 days a week starting December 26th!

Talk to the pros at Tailfeathers Upland Store!

The outdoor sportsman’s favorite toy store!!

Gift Certificates Available!

1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

Fun Facts About Money A banknote is made on special paper; when held up to the light, it reveals a watermark that looks like a picture.

A security thread is enclosed in the paper used for currency; this makes copying more difficult for counterfeiters.

The worldʼs smallest banknote, issued in Morocco, was the size of a postage stamp.

Now Hiring Experienced Stylist

Hair Services Pedicures • Manicures Happy New Year to all of our clients, friends & families

Call today for your appointment Walk-ins welcome

777-1611

336 Center St. • Auburn

Hannah Conant, Darcy Ames & Candice Lamontagne

You Know youʼre getting older when... Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, do you think he would like spinach?"

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Nature Calls

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Submitted by Ethyl Potvin

Due to the rising frequency of humanbear encounters, the Maine Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out-ofdoors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

They advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

They also advise anyone using the outof-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.

CITY SIDE GRILL Alternative Urban Casual Dining Lunch • Dinner • Late Nite Cocktails • Dancing • Entertainment 16 Park Street • Lewiston, Maine 312-5534

Open Tuesday - Friday for Lunch 11-2 Dinner Tuesday - Saturday 4-11 Soup & Sandwich Buffet Lunch Daily Dinner Specials Nightly

.99

$5

Dancing Fri. & Sat. 9pm-1am

www.citysidegrill.com

A boy becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in it and smells like pepper.

Did You Know?

There is 10,800 feet of film in a two-hour movie.

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A budget is something we go without to stay within.

$

10 off Colors & Perms $

15 wash, cut & dry

We Carry Paul Mitchell Products

Gift Certificates are available

Hours: Closed Sun & Mon • Tues-Sat 9-7

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

California Highlights $49 & Up

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

1600 Main Street • Oxford • 744-0041 Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Sudoku by Krazydad.com

Fill in the blank squares so that each row, each column and each 3-by-3 block contain all of the digits 1 thru 9.

If you use logic you can solve the puzzle without guesswork.

Need a little help? There are hints on page 83 to show a logical order to solve the puzzle. Use it to identify the next square you should solve.

Find answers on page 83.

Difficulty level: Intermediate A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Monkeys given paint and paper on which to draw will scream in anger when an unfinished work is taken from them. But they don't object to having a finished painting taken.

Jimboʼs recent comments about Uncle Andy…

“His belt doesn't go through all the loops.”

“No grain in the silo.”

“A few peas short of a casserole.”

“The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.”

“A few feathers short of a whole duck.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Submitted by Jimbo 10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates.

Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO NUTS. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend, you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your bellyaching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh don't worry about that -it's no big deal.

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RESTAURANT

Happy New Year from all of us at Thatcher’s in Windham!

892-9922

Now located at 907 Roosevelt Trail Easy on the pocketbook Great for the whole family Full menu always available

Enjoy the New Year at Thatcher’s!

Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm

Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners

Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere The largest living thing on Earth is an underground mushroom in Oregon.

It is 3.5 miles across.

Madison Avenue Salon would like to say Thank You to all of our clients for a great 2009!

JANUARY SPECIALS Buy any 2 products

Stylist of the Month

GET 1 FREE

Mention this ad to Amanda and receive a

Buy any 3 products

GET 2 FREE

FREE WAX with any service Amanda Wilson

www.madisonavesalon.net

782-5920 A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Think surfing is dead? Nope! There are over 17 million surfers around the world.

Snow Problem: 10 Reasons Why Itʼs A Good Thing Submitted by Jimbo

ALL THE SNOW hides junk cars, couches, and other rustic landscaping touches.

THE CHANCES of a drought this summer are virtually nil.

GLOBAL WARMING might be further away than we thought.

THERE’S FINALLY TIME to stay inside and read “War and Peace.”

This is the best p time ever to sho for cabinets!

Why buy particle board cabinets at the big box stores when you can get

We have the best quality for the lowest prices!

solid wood built cabinets for less money?

WHEN YOUR COWORKERS gloat about flying to Florida on vacation, you can gloat right back when their flight’s cancelled and they’re stranded at the airport.

IT’S A GOOD TIME to practice the power of positive thinking, especially when the city plow dumps huge chunks of ice back into your just-shoveled driveway.

NO TOURISTS PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY to hone your winter driving technique.

YOU CAN MAKE small talk about the weather with anyone.

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com During 33 seasons on the air, Mr. Roger's trolley traveled more than 100 miles on its track.

PLENTY OF SNOW for Bethel to make the world’s largest snowwoman.

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Think About It

A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise!

Submitted by Jimbo

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Come to Rolly’s Diner in 2010 and discover why we were voted

Best Breakfast Spot in L/A for the 3rd year in a row!

87 Mill Street in Auburn Mon.-Sat. 5am-2pm Sundays 7am-Noon

Take-out order?

Call 753-0171 Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast Anytime • Extensive Menu

Having a Party or Event in 2010?

Call Rolly’s Catering Division

Things weren't going so great at home either.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

Voted #1 Catering in L/A

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me even more to think about.

Also check out our platters & catering menu online

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6 years in a row

www.rollysdiner.com

Rolly’s Diner 87 Mill St. New Auburn, ME (207) 753-0171 There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

The one on the range.

A horse goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

SUPPORT THE TROOPS JANUARY 23rd with

Presidential Facts John Quincy Adams: Graduated Harvard College (1787) Secretary of State under Monroe. Adams swam nude (weather permitting) in the Potomac River every day. First elected president not to receive either the most electoral college votes or popular votes. Only son of a president to become a president.

Only president elected to the House after his presidency. He named one of his sons George Washington.

Atlas Fun Facts:

8PM - Midnight at the American Legion Post 150 in Mechanic Falls

For more info call 754-1233

The Canary Islands are misnamed: The Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Africa are misnamed.

The Romans called them Canariae Insulai, which means dog islands. They used this name because of the many canines they found there. But for centuries people have mistakenly believed the islands were named for the canary bird. In fact, the canary bird, also found on these islands, gets its name from the Latin Canaria, pertaining to the dog.

Price of admission: Donation at the door Proceeds to benefit state of Maine veterans traveling to Washington, D.C. Their Mission: Honor fallen heroes & honor those servicing our great nation!

A magician was driving down the road, then he turned into a drive way.

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.

Impotent... Distinguished, well known.

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The Real Mother Goose?

Submitted by Travis Dow

Elizabeth Goose, who lived in Massachusetts in the late 1600's, is credited by some with the nursery rhymes read to us as children.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE Sabattus Deer Processing is now...

Sabattus Bait & Tackle Come see us at 435 Middle Road on Rt. 9 in Sabattus. See our ad on page 38!

However, most of those rhymes existed before her time in the form of satirical poems and drinking songs.

Some were based on actual events or characters.

Charles Perrault, a Frenchman, published a collection of these rhymes in 1697 and an illustration accompanying the text showed an old woman telling stories, with the words "Mother Goose" appearing behind her.

The book was eventually published in England and the United States and more rhymes were added with each new publication. It wasn't until the 1800's that a relative of Mrs. Goose claimed the stories originated with Elizabeth.

Greg Provost, Owner Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Artery.........................The study of paintings.

For your personal or commercial needs contact

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY LEWISTON

BRUNSWICK

541 Lisbon Street Lewiston, ME 04240 784-4029 • Fax: 784-2360

92 Pleasant St., P.O. Box 679 Brunswick, ME 04011 725-2797 • Fax: 725-6001

Happy New Year!

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Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

RP R

Professional Home Inspections, Inc.

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy:

Infrared Thermal Imaging

Complete Home Inspections Water Testing • Water Radon Air Radon • Lead Paint Testing • Mold Testing Environmental Data Reports

Tablet... A small table.

Terminal Illness...

Getting sick at the airport.

Certified Inspector

Tumor... More than one.

72 Old Lisbon Rd. • Lewiston, ME 04240

Tel. 207-782-9663 • Fax 1-207-514-8058

Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.

www.RPRPROHOMEINSPECTIONS.COM Email: Roger@RPRprohomeinspections.com

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Sudoku hints. Puzzle on page 77

Sudoku answers. Puzzle on page 77

100% PREMIUM CORINTH HARDWOOD PELLETS MADE IN MAINE DELIVERY AVAILABLE

$

Expires 1/31/10

The traditional gift for 44th wedding anniversary is....groceries.

279 a ton

With this coupon

BRYANT ENERGY Need a little help? Use these hints to show a logical order to solve the puzzle. Use it to identify the next square you should solve.

345-4301 • 800-698-0032 33 Elm St. Mechanic Falls, ME

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her.

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JANUARY 2010

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UNCLE ANDY SIGHTING: Submitted by K. Harvey Dolan

Weʼd heard that Uncle Andy retired from publishing. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and we were surprised to see Uncle Andy working as a mechanic. He was working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

Uncle Andy replied, "I know. I already got that side."

Turkey Mishap Benjamin Franklin was also the first person to try to electrocute a turkey.

This experiment didn't work. The bird lived and it was America's Renaissance man who ended up absorbing the jolt. "I meant to kill a turkey," said the shocked inventor, "and instead, I nearly killed a goose."

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Sweden has a ski-thru McDonald's!

HAPPY

NEW Available at:

Heating, Air Conditioning & Plumbing 137 Spring Street, Auburn

YEAR!

800-287-3246 or 786-3246

Gossip "Hey Mom," asked Little Johnny, "Can you give me $20?"

Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.

"Well? What did he say?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what

"He said, 'Hey Maria, could you make sure I've got clean socks tomorrow?'"

You Know youʼre getting older when... Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

“Family owned for over 50 years” Computerized Laser Measuring

Lifetime Guarantee

782-2695 15 Quimby Street • Lewiston After a three-week vacation, your IQ can drop by as much as 20%.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE How Dixie Cups Got Their Name Inventor Hugh Moore's paper cup factory was located next door to the Dixie Doll Company in the same downtown loft building.

The word Dixie printed on the company's door reminded Moore of the story he had heard as a boy about "dixies," the ten dollar bank notes printed with the French word dix in big letters across the face of the bill by a New Orleans bank renowned for its strong currency in the early 1800s.

The "dixies," Moore decided, had the qualities he wanted people to associate with his paper cups, and with permission from his neighbor, he used the name for his cups "Dixie Cups.”

Uncle Andyʼs Tips 1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

1822 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston

897-3400

784-3100 Bruce Landry

Jerimiah Morrissette

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Coma...........................A punctuation mark.

Take baby powder to the beach Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When youʼre ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.

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N

the evel with Matt Fournier

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Up to $1,500 Tax Credit When you purchase one of our high efficiency wood stoves, pellet stoves or inserts!

Professional, knowledgeable advice

We can install your new stove!

FIRESIDE BUYING A FORECLOSED OR DISTRESSED PROPERTY So, there is a house you drive by all the time: the grass has become a hayfield, the siding is falling off, roof shingles are curled, and, if maybe you made it inside, you would find busted pipes and a cracked boiler because it sat all winter. Looks like it is abandoned and all of a sudden a “for sale” sign goes up. Possibly you’re looking for a home with your real estate agent and happen onto a property like this. How, unless you have cash, do you purchase a home like this with the needed improvements and still conform to appraisal and loan requirements?

There are two ways you can do this: a purchase plus improvement loan or a 203k streamline loan. The two programs share the same goal. Take property “A” and create an estimate to renovate the property. The appraiser now has to judge the properties renovated value versus its current condition. Think: Purchase Price + Estimate = Renovated Appraised Value.

In the case of the 203k streamline the only limitation is the estimate cannot be more than $35k. The purchase plus improvement loan works the same except the renovation allowance could be higher than $35K as long as the appraisal is in line.

In short, you can get a construction loan within your fixed rate mortgage to renovate. Money down varies and in some cases…you may only need to pay closing costs?! Yes, no money down can still happen. For more info call or email with questions.

Please send your questions to matt@fournierhomes.com and selected questions with answers will be published in next month’s issue.

Let’s see what we build together.

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STOVE SHOP

1220 Center Street, Auburn • 784-9249 Hours: Mon - Fri. 9:00 - 5:00 • Sat 9:00 - 5:00

IBMʼs Early Start In the year 1886, Herman Hollerith had the idea of using punched cards to keep and transport information, a technology used up to the late 1970's.

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Catscan......................Searching for Kitty.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

This device was constructed to allow the 1890 census to be tabulated. In 1896 the Tabulating Machine Company was founded

by Hollerith. 28 years later, in 1924, after several take-overs the company became known as International Business Machines (IBM).

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Enema.........................Not a friend.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

UNCLE ANDY SIGHTING

Why More People Choose The Fontaine Team to Get Their Homes SOLD!

Submitted by K. Harvey Dolan

Shore Drive . . . . .Sabattus . . . .SOLD in 7 Days at FULL PRICE! Evergreen Lane . .Sabattus . . . .SOLD in 55 Days at FULL PRICE! North Main St . . .Mechanic Falls SOLD in 1 Days at FULL PRICE! Poland Place . . . .Poland . . . . .SOLD in 59 Days at FULL PRICE! Hummingbird Lane Raymond . . .SOLD in 13 Days at FULL PRICE! Mill St . . . . . . . .Lisbon Falls .SOLD in 20 Days at FULL PRICE! Ridley Lane . . . .Litchfield . . .SOLD in 33 Days at FULL PRICE! Prospect St . . . . .Livermore Falls SOLD in 13 Days at FULL PRICE! Dumont Ave . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 21 Days at FULL PRICE! Tarr Ave . . . . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 3 Days at FULL PRICE! Lucille Ave . . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 14 Days at FULL PRICE! Diamond Ct. . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 28 Days at FULL PRICE!

Dumont Ave . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 12 Days at FULL PRICE! Homefield St . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 3 Days at FULL PRICE! Allen Pond . . . . .Greene . . . . .SOLD in 17 Days at FULL PRICE! Irwin St . . . . . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 38 Days at FULL PRICE! Old Lisbon Rd . . .Lewiston . . . .SOLD in 7 Days at FULL PRICE! Runaround Pond Rd Durham . . . .SOLD in 34 Days at FULL PRICE! Main St . . . . . . .Gray . . . . . . .SOLD in 37 Days at FULL PRICE! Grey Rd . . . . . . .Greene . . . . .SOLD in 22 Days at FULL PRICE! Minot Ave . . . . . .Auburn . . . . .SOLD in 11 Days at FULL PRICE! Granite St . . . . . .Auburn . . . . .SOLD in 21 Days at FULL PRICE! Gurnet Rd . . . . . .Brunswick . .SOLD in 14 Days at FULL PRICE!

The Fontaine Marketing System

gets top dollar faster!

784-3800

Call Call to find out how!

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and saw that Uncle Andy now worked there. I gave him a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed him a quarter.

Uncle Andy said, "you gave me too much money."

I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."

336 Center St., Auburn • In the Harvard Mall

www.brendafontaine.com • ww.fontaineteam.com You Know youʼre getting older when... Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Helping Central Maine with all its electrical needs

We love our advertisers!

Thanks for choosing us!!

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Uncle Andy then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

centralmaineelectrician.com

279 a ton

With this coupon

BRYANT ENERGY 345-4301 • 800-698-0032 33 Elm St. Mechanic Falls, ME

Uncle Andy sighed and went to get the manager who happened to be Big Gare, he asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."

Click on the link at www.murphyshomeinspection.com to redeem $

your 100 OFF coupon

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Urine.............................Opposite of you're out

BARACK OBAMA is our 44th president, but there actually have only been 43 presidents: Cleveland was elected for two nonconsecutive terms and is counted twice, as our 22nd and 24th president.

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VOTED #1 IN AREA “PIZZA WARS” COMPETITION!

We’re your local Agency Liquor Store!

With over 200 menu items - we’re your one-stop destination for breakfast, lunch & dinner From breakfast pizza, egg sandwiches to italians, hoagies, hot and cold subs to pizza, burgers, salads, wraps and more!

Visit us online to see our full menu:

www.DadsPlace.info

Happy New Year from all of us!

Larry & Diana Roy, owners

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.DadsPlace.info

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Car Accessories

COLD WEATHER AHEAD!

Submitted by Travis Dow

Take advantage of the $1,500 Tax Rebate for weatherizing your home Custom Home Building Additions • Sun Rooms Kitchen Remodels Garages • Decks And More!

“The Difference is in the Details”

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured Many References Available

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528 for your free quote A typical lightning bolt is two to four inches wide and two miles long.

You Know youʼre getting older when...

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

You burn the midnight oil till 9PM.

WOW! Homeowners! Landlords!

Look at this great deal! Vinyl Replacements starting at $164 Installed! Lowest Price Around!

Your Home Improvements Center Happy Interior & Exterior New Year!

25 Years Experience & Fully Insured!

Contractors Welcome!

Logan Warner, Son of Scot & Laurianne Warner,

In Redondo Beach, California, a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving.

Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a trafficlight pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving.

According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it."

Sitting Situation A man went in to rob a bank. He demanded the clerk to give him all the money. They told him to go sit out in his car and they would bring him the bags of money. He agreed and went out to his car.

Owners of L&S Windows

L & S WINDOWS Come visit our showroom at 884 Lisbon Street, Lewiston Hours: M-F 8 to 5 Sat 8 to 1

783-9200 or 1-866-989-9155 • email: LandSWindows@gmx.com

A wind with a speed of 74 miles or more is designated a hurricane.

In the meantime, the people in the bank called the police. When they got there the man was still sitting in his car waiting for the money and they arrested him.

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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Rick Nichols & Sons Excavation & Carpentry Snowplowing

Call 345-9586 or 754-9586

* Master Electrician * Licensed * Insured Also, see our $ saving coupon on page 51.

Napoleon Pellet & Woodstoves in stock and on display

PLUMBING & HEATING SUPPLIES See our $ saving coupon on page 51.

Tell ‘em you saw it in Uncle Andy’s Digest People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them.

George Bernard Shaw Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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1525 Lisbon St., Lewiston 783-6927 • 800-834-5706 M-F 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

Around the World (in Italy) with Barb & Jason

Barb never leaves the country without packing her favorite reading material!

When not traveling the world, you can find Barb at Holly’s Own Deli & Restaurant. You can find Jason doing your tax return at Accurate Accounting.

Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32.

So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5!

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Monkey Business Actual News Story Submitted by Jimbo Three monkeys hurled bananas and crab apples at cars on Interstate 95, then fled into the woods, police said.

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com

We believe in environmental responsibility Leading the way by constantly seeking new ways to recycle, reduce, reuse, recover and renew.

Winter is a great time to think about a new carpet or flooring!

Easter is the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after March 21.

Police believe the monkeys escaped while being taken to the state fair in Richmond or a circus in North Carolina. State Trooper Mike Scott was flagged down Sunday by a driver who had pulled over near Jarratt.

"When I walked up to the car, it looked like a banana had been smeared on the side," Scott said. The woman told him a monkey had thrown the fruit about a mile back. "I started laughing," Scott said.

But he drove to the scene of the attack and found a van and a station wagon on the side of the highway.

“A man said, ʻI know this sounds crazy, but a monkey threw an apple at our car,ʼ” Scott said. Just then, something hit the van. "Lo and behold there were three brown monkeys in an oak tree throwing crab apples," Scott said. The primates jumped down, ran across the highway and escaped into more trees.

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England and the American colonies adopted the Gregorian calendar on September 14th, 1752. 11 days disappeared.

UNCLE ANDY SIGHTING: Submitted by K. Harvey Dolan

We had to have the garage door repaired.

We found out that Uncle Andy was the new Sears repairman.

He told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

Uncle Andy shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

The base of the Great Pyramid of Egypt is large enough to cover 10 football fields.

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

Uncle Andy said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two."

Martin Van Buren: Graduated Kinderhook Academy (1796) Secretary of State under Jackson. Vice President under Jackson.

First president born in the United States of America. He and his wife spoke Dutch at home. He took his four years salary, $100,000, in a lump sum at the end of his term. After serving one term as president, he made three unsuccessful bids for reelection.

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Wood Pellets $279 a ton!

Corinth Wood pellets - 100% hardwood!!

When you mention this ad. Expires 10.31.09 • • • •

Heating Oil Propane Kerosene Diesel

FOR ALL YOUR ENERGY NEEDS We cover: Lewiston-Auburn • Mechanic Falls Poland • Minot • Hebron & more!

PRE-BUY & BUDGET PLANS • 24 HR. BURNER SERVICE • AUTOMATIC DELIVERY

BRYANT ENERGY 345-4301 • 800-698-0032 33 Elm St. • Mechanic Falls Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.

The most snow accumulation in a one-day period was 75.8 inches at Silver Lake, Colorado, in April 1921.

The Original Catch 22 Submitted by Jimbo

"Catch 22" has come to mean a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem.

Now over 900 boxes available!!

Shop our entire catalog online...

Go to www.boxesandbagsunlimited.com and click on

Boxes and Bags Unlimited 765 Webster Street, Lewiston • 795-6702 The lowest temperature ever recorded in the world was 129 degrees below 0 at Vostok, Antarctica, on July 21, 1983.

BUILDING MANAGEMENT COMPANY Your Rental Resource • Single family homes • Mobile homes • Multi-units • Efficiency to 4 bedrooms • Heated units available

Rents ranging from $475 - $995/month

Call 740-0040 for availability & more information

BUILDING OR REMODELING? Twin Construction can do it!

New construction • Remodeling Roofing • Flooring Windows Light excavation & more!

Call now for plowing, sanding & snow removal Residential or commercial

Call 345-TWIN or 576-5494 or 740-0040

TWIN

CONSTRUCTION

If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050.

The original "Catch22," in Joseph Heller's 1961 novel of the same name, is the catch that prevents a US Air Force pilot in World War II from asking to be grounded on the basis of insanity. The pilot knows that military regulations permit insane pilots to be grounded and not forced to fly further dangerous bombing missions. However, the regulation prevents airmen from escaping bombing missions by pleading insanity by stating that any airman rational enough to WANT to be grounded cannot possibly be insane and therefore is fit to fly.

From the novel: a man "would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to: but if he didn't he was sane and had to."

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Uncle Andy in Training

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy once joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Bring to me a cup of coffee, and make it snappy!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension!

Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the Uncle Andy.

"I'm the Managing Director of this company, you idiot!"

Uncle Andy shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?" "No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied Uncle Andy, and put down the phone.

Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Jackson, Grant, McKinley, Cleveland, Madison, and Wilson are the presidents that are portrayed on U.S. paper currency.

There are enough calories in a Big Mac to run a vacuum cleaner for 98 minutes.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

94

& Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

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In 1947, heavy snow blanketed the Northeast, burying New York City under 25.8” of snow in 16 hours; the severe weather was blamed for some 80 deaths.

Ten inches of snow equals one inch of rain in water content.

UNCLE ANDY SIGHTING: Submitted by K. Harvey Dolan

Uncle Andy lives in a semi rural area. He called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

One cord of wood (4 ft x 4 ft x 8 ft) will make 75 million toothpicks.

Worldʼs Worst Drivers The record for the worldʼs worst drivers is a toss-up between two candidates: First, a 75year-old man who received 10 traffic tickets, drove on the wrong side of the road four times, committed four hit-and-run offenses, and caused six accidents, all within 20 minutes on October 15, 1966.

Second, a 62-year-old woman who failed her driving test 40 times before passing it in August, 1970 (by that time, she had spent over $700 in lessons, and could no longer afford to buy a car).

The anemometer is an instrument which measures the force, velocity, or pressure of the wind.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

783-7039 95

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The dollar was established as the official currency of the US in 1785.

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& Jimbo

JANUARY 2010

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The first coin minted in the United States was a silver dollar.

It was issued on October 15, 1794.