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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America
MARCH 2010
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The Perfect Employee 1) Uncle Andy, my assistant sales person, can always be found 2) hard at work in his cubicle. Uncle Andy works independently, without 3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. He never 4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5) finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7) breaks. Uncle Andy is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be 10) classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Uncle Andy be 12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13) executed as soon as possible. Addendum: Uncle Andy was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly reread only the odd numbered lines. Sincerely, Travis Dow Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: TYPES ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
March 24th
Safety Seminar for Kids 4:30-5:15 • 5:30-6:15 MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS
Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com
786-3731
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: types only in lowercase.
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People dont use any punctuation either
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA March 2010 Saturday, March 6 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Camp 8609) 607 Lisbon St., Lewiston 4:00pm-6:30pm $4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest Thursday, March 11 Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant (Camp 10589) 750 Sabattus St., Lewiston (LUNCH) 11:00am - 1:30pm $4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest Thursday March 18 Rolly’s Diner (BREAKFAST) (Camp 12907) 87 Mill St., Auburn 7:00am-10:00am $3.50 per Member, $4.60 per Guest Sunday, March 28 KC Breakfast (Camp 7938) Columbus Dr., Brunswick 8:00am - 10:00am $4.00 per Member, Child <10 Free Wednesday, March 31 The Green Ladle Culinary Arts LUNCH (Camp 14437) 156 East Ave. (Lewiston High School) Noon SHARP $7.00 per Member, $8.00 per Guest Prices and Menu are Subject to Change. Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday from 9am - 4pm and Friday from 9am – Noon (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833. _________________________ Auburn Office Activities 783-8804 Sunday, March 28 Maine Maple Sunday Pancake Breakfast. West Minot Grange Hall, Routes 119 & 124, West Minot 8:00am - 11:00am $3.50 per ticket, under 5 Free. Enjoy pancakes, sausage, bacon, milk, juice, coffee Tuesday, March 30 Join us for Lunch at the New Library Café, 46 Spring St., Auburn. 11:00am - 1:00pm. $5.00 per ticket. Menu will be provided when tickets are purchased. Wednesday, March 31 McLaughlin Garden, 97 Main St., S. Paris. 4:00 pm. No Charge. Enjoy Nature’s Colors. Please call for reservations at 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506. Tickets may be picked up at MWA, 76 Minot Ave., Auburn, Mon - Thurs from 9:00am to 5:00pm. Or call 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506.
Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping his hands over his ears.
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Uncle Andy’s Digest
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
MAILING ADDRESS:
PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:
editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 FAX: 207
783-7039 777-3898
www.UncleAndys.com
MARCH 2010
Staff UNCLE ANDY Publishing Magnate
JIMBO Publishing Magistrate
Travis Dow Publishing Magnet
Maggie Joyce Our Publishing Angel
Marty Dow Publishing Distributor
Michele Farrar
Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service! Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted
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514-0660 www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Plain as Day An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened
Joe & Mike Adkins at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Publishing Ads
It’s the perfect time for a Sparty! Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
783-7039
Book a spa party for 4 or more people and save $$$ (number of services and people will determine your savings - Call today!
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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
You can have anything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want. ~Zig Ziglar
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784-8900 What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE AUBURN-LEWISTON
62 Turner Street (next to the county building) Auburn • 795-4095
www.alymca.org
YMCA Where You Belong! March 5th Family Fun Night
Family Swim 6:00-6:45 p.m. & Family Yoga 7:00-7:45 p.m.
United Way of Androscoggin County
Hours: Mon. – Fri. 5:00am-8:30pm; Sat. & Sun. 7:00am-2:00pm
FREE to Members!
FREE to Members Pre-registration is required for all: Sign up for Family Swim, Family Yoga, or both!
Indoor Baseball & Softball Ages 8-15 Quickstart Indoor Tennis Ages 5-8 Registration now open! Call for details. Classes start in March
“My family loves the YMCA because of its support of health and fitness for the whole family and the community. YMCA swimming lessons, basketball and cross-country skiing have been great for our children. Group Power, Group Cycling and Yoga have been very helpful for the parents. Thanks for all that you do!”
BELONG?
VALUE! I love that all the classes are included in one membership price & the instructors are wonderful! They teach you to adapt each class to your own level, and there are so many classes to choose from that you never get bored. – Phyllis Vail
– Matthew & Aaron Scholer
Register Now for the Greater L/A
Triple Crown 5K Series Ages 6 mo.-Adult Lessons start on March 8th Registration now open!
at www.triplecrown5k.com
CAMP CONNOR Boys & Girls Grades K-8
An 8 week session is only $35 for YMCA Members!!
Teen Leadership Camp Grades 9 & 10
Free Pre & Post Camp Care Offered at various times throughout the week and FREE with any YMCA Membership
Adults can get in a workout while we care for your kids!
HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Silly News From Around the World More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travellers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
Macho Man Uncle Andy visited a dude ranch and wanted to be "Macho", and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, Uncle Andy tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffalos."
The Lewiston High School cheerleaders & their “Super Fans” Members are: (seniors): Jessica Beckwith, Kassandra Bowen, Erin Griffin, Haleigh Traynor, Erica Webber (juniors): Ashley Blauvelt, Jessica Bowen, Abby Campbell, Samantha Hopkins, Rebecca Lessard, Heather Michaud (sophomores): Shae Godbout, Tiana Lacombe, Rachel Mills, Krista Thomas (Freshman): Adreena Adams, Kara Barnies, Kirsty Beauchesne, Cassandra Chung, Taylor Pratt, Torey Reny.
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch' but 'herd'." "Heard what?" "Herd of buffalos."
LHS placed 2nd in class A state cheerleading competition held in February earning them a spot at New England's located in Rhode Island on March 20th. This season the Lewiston Blue Devils have won both the Shriner’s Cheer Classic and the KVAC’s. They were runners up in the Eastern Class A Regional Championships and the Maine High School State Cheerleading Class A competition. Lewiston is coached by Lynnette Morency, assisted by Jennifer Roy.
"Sure, I've heard of buffalos. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
I specialize in affordable health insurance!
Just Call Him Sparky
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Uncle Andy goes into a restaurant and the waitress stops him. “Sorry sir, you need to wear a tie to enter.” So Uncle Andy goes back to his car and looks around, but there's no necktie to be found. So he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle about. He goes back to the restaurant, where the waitress says, "Well, OK, you can come in... Just don't start anything." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
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Court Street, Auburn circa 1940 • Photo submitted by Nola at Goin’ Postal Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Actual Product Warnings... On a package of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
Reminder:
Time for Heartworm tests Get your Heartgard & Frontline now!
Taylor Brook Animal Hospital 33 Millett Drive • Auburn
Catherine Sanders, D.V.M. Hours: Mon., Wed., Fri. 8-5; Tues. & Thurs. 7:30-6; Sat 8-noon
between Minot Ave. & Court St.
784-1726
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Ok Daddy, I’ve got this mastered. Let’s move on to the snowmobile!
Go Figure! A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
Dawson Norcross gets a lesson in how to operate a 4-wheeler, from his dad Kevin
Auburn Mall Eye Care Bring in this ad for...
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After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
A Y2K short story from the archives January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing Wish us luck on March 20th in the New England's cheering competition. We’ll be in Rhode Island!
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
Exams
Appointment Required 1 coupon per person Expires 3/31/10
550 Center Street. Auburn (207) 782-5030
DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.
The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
Actual Product Warnings... On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Lewiston HS cheerleaders: Torey Reny, Kara Barnies & Kirsty Beauchesne Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Family Ties
You Know youʼre getting older when... You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Submitted by Jimbo
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
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The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
Silly News From Around the World
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
Mindy
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
3/31/10
The gray whale is actually black. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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You Know youʼre getting older when... There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
PARTS • SALES • SERVICE WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes • Sales of New International Trucks • Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes
Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
www.emerso The Back Forty
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
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Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
ontoyota.com March Specials
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Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: As much as possible, he skips rather than walk.
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Your Community Auto Repair Shop Quality service at an affordable price!
$
10 OFF
Oil Change with alignment Expires 3/31/10
NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -Either way, you get your dog back!" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Uncle Andy's Digest is a very pleasant company to work with. They are always very friendly and helpful. Advertising with them has helped us gain new customers.
Leo & Linda Beaudin Leo's Upholstery
TESTIMONIAL
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
You Know youʼre getting older when... You find yourself standing in line and can't remember why.
Now is a good time to get your vehicle aligned. Prolong the life of your tires! PS: Stop in this month and wish Mike Morin a Happy Birthday!! • Expert service & highest quality • Accurate diagnosis of problems • Fair & honest quotes • Great customer service
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
Top 6 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s
• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small • Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service
Jim Hyde
FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S 2006 Harley Davidson Ultra Classic
Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS, AM/FM stereo, extra chrome, 2 windshields
ONLY $18,500
Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A
Mike Morin’s Auto Center 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”
You Know youʼre getting older when... One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
The first chalkboard was used in school in 1714.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 26 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems
OUR TIRES
Buy 2 NEW Tires A $24 Value!
and receive a
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Expires 3/31/10
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782-6666 or 783-2026
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
"Do not look to the ground for your next step; greatness lies with those who look to the horizon." – Norwegian Proverb
Optimist Club’s Student of the Month
Congratulations, Tanner! Elm Street School principal, Mary Martin; Optimist of the Month, Tanner Marston & Jeff Gagnon, Optimist Club board member Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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75% of the trees in Australia are eucalyptus.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE SPRING HIGHLINE SALE FANTASTIC DEALS ON OUR BEST INVENTORY!
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2004 Mercedes ML500
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GOLF; noun [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART; noun [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
2004 Saab 9-3 Arc
2005 GMC Yukon Denali
Convertible, Turbo, Meticulously Cared For, Alloys, Heated Seats, CD, Keyless Entry, A Rare Find
V8, 3rd Row Seat, Leather, 8cyl, Tow Pkg., CD, Keyless Entry, Navigation, DVD Player
We are a full service repair shop
GOLFER; noun [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five.
777-0047 â&#x20AC;˘ www.laautocompany.com
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
A potato's closest edible relative is the eggplant.
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis
Full Vehicle Reconditioning Available 733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston
&T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
ONE-STOP AUTO SERVICE
Brake Service • Custom Exhaust • Shocks & Struts • Used Car Sales • ABS Light Tires • Tune-ups • Rust Repair & Body Work • Engine Overhauls • Transmission Overhauls • Custom Paint • Motorcycle Tanks & Fenders • Restorations & Rebuilds I just got my new custom-made exhaust at The Shop!
THE SHOP
304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon
353-6100
Attention all former customers: come check out my new shop for all your body repairs & paint jobs! Dan Wyman, Owner
Phone: 333-3231 1164 Minot Ave. (behind Dealer Worx)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Major & Minor Repairs • Brake Service • Tune-ups Electrical Diagnostic Testing • AC Service • Exhaust • State Inspections
68 Adams Ave in Lewiston NOW Open Saturdays 8AM - Noon
783-0581
Dividing something into squares is known as graticulation.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
M & P AUTO SALES
7,995
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2005 Hyundai Tiburon 33K, Auto, Maroon
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2007 Pontiac Grand Prix 62K, Silver, Sharp Car, Aluminum Wheels, PW, PL, AC, FWD
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1996 Chevy Kodiak Car Carrier
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Roosevelt Trail • North Windham • 892-0932
21’ Steel Body, New Tires & Brakes, 3116 Cat, Auto, Needs some work 2005 Monte Carlo, V6, Auto, 70K, Black, Sharp! . . . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2003 Chevy Silverado, Black, Ext. Cab, 4.8 Auto. . . . . . . . . . .$10,800 2002 Ford Windstar, Dual Sliders, 109K, Loaded, Red . . . . . . .$4,500
or 754-4867
3,995
$
1998 GMC 2500 Cargo Van 86k, 1-Row Seating, Maroon
$
7,000
1994 Chevy 2500 Reg. Cab, Ready to Work, 103K, White
$
14,995
2006 Ford F250 Superduty 4WD, Xcab, 92k, FX4 Off-road Package, V8, Auto, Aluminum Wheels
Roosevelt Trail • North Windham
892-0932 or 754-4867
The first animated characters on TV commercials were the Ajax pixies.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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The Points System For all of us guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE AL!
PECI S H C R A M
2000 Jeep Wrangler Sahara Package 6 Cyl., 5 Speed, A/C, CD Player, 90K
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties: You make the bed ...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..............0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up ....................-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty........................0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ...-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............+5 You pummel it with a six iron .................+10 It's her father ........-10 Her Birthday: You take her out to din-
$9,995 1111 Center Street Auburn
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Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: He stomps on little plastic ketchup packets.
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Great Falls Federal Credit Union
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(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
JULY 2009 783-7039
Cranberries get their name from Crane-berry - they grow on a stalk that looks like a crane's neck.
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
2010 MODELS IN STOCK! Ask about a great deal on an 07, 08 or 09 leftover Arctic Cat snowmobile
AMES SHARE OUR PASSION
SPORTS SHOP 84 Littlefield Road (off Hotel Road) Auburn • 782-4917
"Am I indecisive?" Can I get back to you on that? – Uncle Andy
Tim Luttrell said it was a lot of work representing Kora at the East-West game recently in Orlando... One minute I’m hanging with the Wing House Girls... Then I'm feeding a camel a carrot. 75% of stage and screen actors do not use their real names.
(continued from previous page)
ner ............................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..........................+1 Okay, it is a sports bar............................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3 It's a sports bar, it's allyou-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......................-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal ....-5 And the pal is happily married ...................-4 Or frighteningly single ................................-7 And he drives a Mustang ...............-10 A Night Out: You take her to a movie.....................+2 You take her to a movie she likes ...............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like ................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3 ................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ......-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly .........-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ..+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..............................-30 You say "I don't give a (continued on page 23)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
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783-7039
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
(continued from page 21)
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
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darn because you have one too"................-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" ........................-5 You hesitate in responding ............-10 You reply, "Where?" ...............................-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...............+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ...............................+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ....................-20
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
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Actress Cheryl Ladd started her career as the singing voice of the character Melody on the 1970's cartoon Josie and the Pussycats.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Crackerjack Lumberjack
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant oak over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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Ray Berube, owner
"Weird" Al Yankovic received a Bachelor's degree in Architecture in 1981. He also served as valedictorian of his high school at age 16.
Billboard Top 40 hits 1964: The song We Love You Beatles by the Carefrees was on the charts while The Beatles had seven songs of their own in the Top 40.
Will to Remember Submitted by Jimbo
LET UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST SHINE SOME LIGHT ON YOUR BUSINESS! “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark. You know what you’re doing, but nobody else does!” – Jay Conrad Levinson Guerrilla Marketing
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A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America
9 Grove Street in Auburn • (207) 783-7039 editor@UncleAndys.com
UNCLEANDYS.COM Billboard Top 40 hits 1984-85: Rick Springfield had the minor hit Bruce while Bruce Springsteen was charting himself with Born in the U.S.A.
A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops on to a barstool to order a drink. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you? The grasshopper replies, "Really! You have a drink named Eddie?" The last thing to happen is the ultimate. The next-to-last is the penultimate, and the second-to-last is the antepenultimate. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Out ’n About with “Miami Mike”
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979
That’s right all you Maineiacs, you guessed it, the Maine famous Uncle Andy’s Digest is taking over the world. Yes this is a real photo… no Photoshop alterations. Also true is that Uncle Andy’s was the only Maine publication with a price tag of “FREE” to have a representative in attendance, which would be me, Miami Mike. Actually, Uncle Andy’s pays you by saving you money in the Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Pages. If you can’t find a good deal there, you better head over to Auburn Mall Eye Care cuz your eyes ain’t workin’. I was privileged enough to be an eye witness to the NFL’s first Pro Bowl outside Hawaii since 1980. You might ask the fellas over at Horse Power Autocare, Inc., who have been serving locals since 1979, if they have any recollection of the Pro Bowl prior to Hawaii. I know there may be possibly one or two Patriots fans who might take a gander at this little masterpiece of journalism, one of which who might be thinking a Pro Bowl without Mr. Tom Brady on the gridiron is about as appealing as Brussels sprouts to a six year old. I will say that you all will be ecstatic to hear that amongst the barrage of jerseys I saw more Patriots’ red, white and blue, from Welker to good ole Teddy Bruschi. Someone has got to tell Mutha that without a doubt I saw more Red Sox paraphernalia than the stinky J-E-T-S green garb and thankfully nothing at all of that so-called baseball team somewhere in the Bronx. Until next month, may the Digest be with you! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services • Transmission Flushes
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All Grown Up A man took his little boy to the zoo for the very first time. Each time they would see a new animal the little boy would ask, "What's that?" And each time the father would explain. When they came to a pen with a very large bird inside the father said, "And that,
Bob & Bonnie Merrill, owners
Timmy, is a Stork." The boy stood there for a few moments and then began to wave and say, "Hi! I'm Timmy!" After several times of repeating this he finally turned to his father and exclaimed, "Guess I'm all grown up, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
Billboard Top 40 hits 1987: Both the ABC song When Smokey Sings and Smokey Robinson's song One Heartbeat were in the Top 10 at the same time.
Billboard Top 40 hits 1992: Weird Al had the hit Smells Like Nirvana at the same time that Nirvana had the hit Come As You Are.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
OUR BIGGEST SALES EVENT
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
EVER. 2010’S ARE HERE!
COME SEE THE NEW CROSS BIKES
FACTORY DEMO DAYS JUNE 4TH & 5TH
Licensed Riders Wanted
596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811
Did You Know: The world's largest consumer of sugar is Coca-Cola.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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SENIORS SONNET
Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison were all 27 years old when they died.
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount." I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free." Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer---can't hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right. My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!" My car has no scratches...not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent." My friends all get older...much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure, But don't call me old...just call me mature. The steps in the houses they're building today Are so high that they take...your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure, I'm not really old...I'm only mature.
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
MARCH 2010
www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 â&#x20AC;˘ 1-800-8856
~Author Unknown
28
To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website
783-7039
Did You Know: There are about as many nerve cells in your brain as there are stars in our galaxy (give or take a billion).
Did You Know: A number is divisible by 8 if its last three digits are divisible by 8.
OUR BIGGEST SALES EVENT
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
EVER.
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FULL LINE IN STOCK!
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Did You Know: A number is divisible by 3 if the sum of its digits is divisible by 3.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): To write with a broken pencil is pointless. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. – Uncle Andy
The Poland PTSA Vendor Fair is Saturday, March 27 from 9:00am-2:00pm at the Bruce M. Whittier Middle School on Route 26 in Poland. Free admission to great shopping, food, and fun. Vendors such as Silpada, Creative Memories, Pampered Chef and more will be there. Proceeds benefit students in grades K-8. Interested vendors or crafters may call Michelle at 998-4013 for space information.
House Building 101 Submitted by Jimbo
Uncle Andy and Travis drove to Pineland Lumber. They were in a hurry so Uncle Andy walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
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Sabattus Bait & Tackle Shiners • Smelt • Tommy Cod Worms • Suckers Blood Worms Open 7 days a week 4:30am - 7:00pm 435 Middle Rd./Rte. 9 • Sabattus, ME 04280
Days (207) 375-8728 • Evenings (207) 375-4581 Cell (207) 576-9759
Neal said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414
Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings Dog gonnit… We want your business!
AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Porter
Uncle Andy paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •
Nessie
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE
Boo
Uncle Andy said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck to ask Travis. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
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Did You Know: Your heart beats over 2.2 billion times by the time you are 60 years old.
Did You Know: Every odd number greater than 7 is the sum of three prime numbers.
OUR BIGGEST SALES EVENT
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show Uncle Andy asked a few of them to close their eyes if they thought this was a great tradeshow...
EVER. XTREME DEALS ON REMAINING ‘09’S 2010’S ARE HERE!
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Fern the Wine Guy
SEE DETAILS AT OUR STORE
596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811 If you aren't going to go all the way, why go at all? – Joe Namath
Strange Lawsuits A man was invited to his parents' house to celebrate the Fourth of July. And when one of the fireworks he brought with him to the party did not ignite, he went over to inspect it, and it exploded in his face. He sued his parents, the co-worker who sold him the fireworks, and his employer. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show Uncle Andy asked a few of them to close their eyes if they thought this was a great tradeshow...
How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend. – William Rostler
t s e g g i B ’s A / L
St. Patrick s Day Event!
An all-day, all-night St. Pattyʼs Day celebration
Join us at 6-10am for Guinness & Eggs! Authentic Irish tunes playing AY LONG throughout the day EAWAYS ALL D
GIV
Authentic Irish menu ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT
Emile Clavet
ish! ne day everyone’s Ir
The o
Hats • Beads y Garb St. Patty’s Da
with O’Shea’s Come dance prechaun Le Magic Lucky
St. Pattyʼs Day Line-up 6am-Noon Noon-4pm 4pm-7pm 7pm-10pm
Irish Music All Mornin’ Mike & Rich “The Irish Twins” Remo’s Irish Flair Duo & Guests Open Mic Night hosted by Irish Mike (A crazy amount of local musicians attending this Irish Jam - Bagpipes will make a showing!
10pm-1am The Waps perform LIVE
34 Court St. (Across from Gritty’s) • Auburn
Introducing L/A’s 2 newest restaurants & pubs! DOORS OPEN AT 5PM FOR DINNER
Irish American Eatery & Pub
OPEN 7 DAYS & NIGHTS A WEEK Opening for Lunch in March
ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses? Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat
Acoustic Jam The Matt Fournier Project Band Karaoke & DJ Dancing Open Mic & DJ Music DJ & Live Bands DJ’s & Karaoke DJ & Live Bands (80s Night)
MARCH SPEC IAL
1 PABSTS 1 G U IN N ESS $
$
ALL TH E TIM E
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A bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of the sea beneath a moving vessel.
ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
THURSDAYS
FRIDAYS
SATURDAYS
Action Packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set
Ladies Night Beer & Drink Specials
Live Entertainment
S T N E V E G IN M O C P U
ANALOG SALAD
BEYOND THE FALL, SINFIST & FIFTH FREEDOM
FRI. MAR. 5TH
MONSTER
FRI. MAR. 26TH
SAT. MAR. 6TH
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DIRTY MCCURDY
SAT. MAR. 27TH
SAT. MAR. 13TH
MATT & THE BARNBURNERS FRI. MAR. 19TH
L-A HARLEY FAN JAM 2010 w/ the L-A Harley Band & Vegetables by Day AC/DC BACK IN BLACK TRIBUTE BAND SAT. APR. 3RD
SIDECAR RADIO, LOST ON LIFTOFF & TWISTED ROOT We hope to SAT. MAR. 20TH
Every Friday night!
see YOU at Club Texas!
FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS
ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !
CLUB DJ B-SET TEXAS
150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info
Out & About at the Lions Tournament
"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights."
Strap on your skates, Elmo. You can be a bench warmer for our team!
This Month’s Specials FREE 12 oz. can of Soda with Purchase of any 10” Fresh Dough Pizza Large Meatball Sub $
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Bird Talk Submitted by Jimbo
My mom likes sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich
6.39
suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on my mom's parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"
Silly News From Around the World AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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More than 99.9% of all the animal species that have ever lived on earth were extinct before the coming of man.
The Gregorian calendar was introduced by Pope Gregory in 1582 AD, and was adopted by Great Britain and the English colonies in 1752.
PLEASE JOIN US...
Sound Marketing An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2009 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
...FOR L/Aâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S MOST EXCITING SHOW ON ICE! LEWISTONHOCKEY.com
IQ Test Read this out loud:
For Individual Tickets call: 783-2009 For Group Tickets call 333-3267 x215
March Home Games Fri. Mar 5 vs. Chicoutimi 7pm Sun. Mar 7 vs. Montreal 4pm Wed. Mar 10 vs. Drummondville 7pm Tue. Mar 16 MAINEiacs Dinner & Awards Banquet @ Ramada Inn, Lewiston
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Get in a whole NEW rut!
This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is goober cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start. Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Pole Driver Submitted by Maggie Joyce
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers showed up - a crew of three skilled workers and an odd crew consisting of Uncle Andy, Jimbo and Travis. The company could not decide whom to give the job to, so they gave the two groups a test. The company boss said, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to do it first will get the job." Both groups agreed that this was a fair test, so off they went in company trucks with telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours passed, and finally, at 5:00, the skilled crew returned. "Yes!" they shouted. "We came back first, so we get the job!!" "Good work, men." said the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down." "Fine, no problem," replied the crew. An hour passed. Two hours passed and then (continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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783-7039
Though the Richter scale goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tectonic destruction from an earthquake (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.)
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Scott Feldman
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Close Encounters... The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
YOUR SOURCE FOR: • Collision Repair • Scratch & Dent Removal • Frame Straightening • Glass Replacement • Custom Paint Needs • And More!
25 Fern Street (off Rt. 4 near Twitchell’s) in Turner
225-5012 www.dickautobody.com Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
(continued from previous page)
Did You Know? Sweat glands can produce up to three gallons of sweat each day.
three hours. Finally, at 8:30, Uncle Andy, Jimbo and Travis arrived. They were flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asked the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The other crew were back here HOURS ago!"
Smart Dog
He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and wellfed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
A salt water tank with marine fish is colorful, exciting and will last for years to come!
"Well, of course they were," said the goobers. "They only put the pole in a quarter of the way!!"
The Other Woman One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies •
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Did You Know? Hot fudge has no fudge – itʼs mostly corn syrup.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur in about 10 days without sleep, while starvation can take much longer.
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DON’T FORGET YOUR FRIENDS ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS! Happy Birthday Patti Gagne from your friends at...
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940 Lisbon St., Lewiston
777-1520
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s Auburn Campus Look on the cover for 3 great reasons to choose St. Mary’s & Auburn Medical Associates
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough If OUGH stands for O as in Dough If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbor If TTE stands for T as in Gazette If EAU stands for O as in Plateau The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
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The more I hear about this Uncle Andy guy, the more I’d love to check him into the boards!
Yeah, I agree. He could use some straightening out!
George O’Connell & Ray Bourque of the Lewiston MAINEiacs & former Boston Bruin and Hall of Famer
786-0112 600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn
with Tina in March
Hi, my name is Mary
Annette Bourque & Mary Ellingwood St. Mary’s Sisters of Charity Health System Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Tina Dowd
Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm Sat 9 am - 3 pm
www.gregoryshairstyles.com
Back L to R: Cheryl, Nuria, Tina, Pat, Terry & Kelly. Middle: Amy & Michael. Front: Linda, Cory & Kathy
A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.
Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:
A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Biscuit, Gravy,
We do catering from small groups to big weddings! Breakfast all day!
Home Fries & Eggs Delicious Homemade Soup Everything made from scratch like Memère does Warm & Friendly Service
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Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:
5.95
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
Stop by and say hello. We’d love to see you again! Enjoy our weekly specials!
Pauline & Sue
1485 Lisbon Street • Lewiston (next to Tire Warehouse) • 786-0667
Yellowstone was the world's 1st national park. It was dedicated in 1872.
Student of the Month
MAINE’S LARGEST COSTUME RENTAL SHOP!
Now accepting students Learn to play THE RIGHT WAY
Easter - We Have Big Fluffy Bunnies! School Projects • Plays • Theme Party Costumes
Drapeau’s
Mention this ad and your first drum lesson is FREE* *with your first month of lessons
Tim Mills of Norway & Dick Demers
DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING
Costumes of Maine
Theatrical makeup, wigs, unique retail costumes & accessories
20 Main St. Lisbon Falls • 353-2216
25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861 • demersdrumschool@hotmail.com
costumesofmaine.com
Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair 376-3376 GUITAR HERO
If you want to be a real , put down the video game and learn how to play a REAL GUITAR. We can teach you how!
8 teachers offering lessons in: Guitar, piano, violin, banjo, mandolin, voice, brass and woodwinds Strings & accessories available!
AUTHORIZED
SERVICE CENTER
We service string instruments, amps, brass & woodwinds.
We sell & rent new & used starter packs for guitar and violin.
134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Out & About at the new St. Mary’s Auburn Campus Thank you to everyone who visited St. Mary’s new Auburn Campus!
Elizabeth
A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60 mph.
Daily Specials Mon. Tues.
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Elizabeth!
Russ
Fergy Meatball or Meatball w/Cheese Wed. Spaghetti Thurs. Mini Pizza $1 OFF Any Large Pizza Fri. Sat. 2 Ham or Salami Italians Sun. Baked Ziti, Bread & Salad
You’re gonna LOVE these daily specials!
Alexandra granddaughter of Bev at Luiggi’s
Elizabeth & Russ St. Mary’s Sisters of Charity Health System
Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips: Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Smile Award Winners
Silly News From Around the World Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips: Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. (Uncle Andy failed this test)
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
STILL LOOKING FOR ME? CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. • Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes
JASON HALL
• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems
922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)
After spending hours working at a computer monitor, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.
An average human drinks about 16,000 gallons of water in a lifetime.
If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
indham •
Located
orth W . 115 in N
0
892-822
on Rt
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
I love Rolly’s breakfast... and I guess Uncle Andy’s Digest is pretty good, too.
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn, ME (207) 753-0171 (for take-out)
Richard Morlock
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double clicking icons put your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash. If the label on your cable on the gable at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a (continued on next page)
A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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(continued from previous page)
poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
There are more statues of Sacajawea, Lewis & Clark's female Indian guide, in the United States than any other person.
Assisted Home Care March Employee of the Month Courtney has been with Assisted Home Care since October of 2005. She works mainly with our private duties and has the magic touch of compassion. Her residents request her for their care and she is always willing to go the extra mile for them. If they should end up in the hospital, Courtney is right there with them, making sure they are safe and comfortable. She continually checks on them, making sure the client and familiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; needs are taken care of.
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Courtney Lane-Hebert
Congratulations Courtney for being our employee of the month. Thank you for being part of our family and keep up the good work!
Home Care Means... Rose Pelletier
More privacy - you get personal care in your own home. Convenience - continuity of care. Comfort - being in your own home. Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home. Nursing care by qualified caregivers.
Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston, ME
783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas. Kim Robitaille Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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JULY 2009 783-7039
Vermont, admitted as the 14th state in 1791, was the 1st addition to the original 13 colonies.
Spring is near… it’s time to feel renewed & rejuvenated!
Come in for your highlights, manicures, pedicures, waxing & facials
Cindy
ne Christi
Kasey
Package #1 1/2 hour facial & 1/2 hour massage
$60 • Facials • Manicures • Pedicures
Kathy
Package #2 1 hour pedicure & 1 hour massage
$95
Elizabe th
Daniel
Lynn
Package #3 1 hour facial & 1 hour massage
$110
Emily
Michel le
Package #4 1 hour couples massage
$110
Don’t forget you can always add a cut & color, too! • Massage • Colors & Highlights • Arbonne Make-up • Artificial Nails • Waxing • Eyelash Tinting • Cuts & Styles • Reflexology • Extensions
782-9009 • 20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Bartering was first recorded in Egypt over 4,500 years ago.
Special Loan Promotion on Boats, Motorcycles & ATVâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s
Sue Dunn
APR* is as low as 4.75% for up to 36 months
Jeanine Betsch
No payments until May, 2010 on any Boat, Motorcycle or ATV purchased on or after March 20th
Think
Spring into your new boat, motorcycle or ATV with us!
Cookie Dean & Heidi Cook Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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*APR=Annual Percentage Rate. 3 year rate shown; payments per $1,000 = $29.86. Rates subject to change without notice. Refinancing from other institutions is welcome. Some restrictions may apply. Subject to credit approval. Member Eligibility Required.
The first record of a coin is by Croesus, King of Lydia (now part of Turkey).
The worldʼs smallest coin weighed only .002 grams and was from Nepal.
We’ve Moved... But Not Far!
Still at 120 Center Street Plaza in Auburn Now next to VIP Eyes & Tin Tin Buffet
California Highlights $49 & Up $
10 off Colors & Perms $
15 wash, cut & dry
Shipping made easy!
We Carry Paul Mitchell Products
120 Center Street • Auburn
Gift Certificates are available
784-9900 www.auburngoinpostal.com
Hours: Closed Sun & Mon • Tues-Sat 9-7
1600 Main Street • Oxford • 744-0041
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
We want to be the easiest part of your week!
Stacy Cobb & Jo-Ann Lajoie Northwestern Mutual Financial Network
Your local option for outsourcing your payroll... Payroll Management has been serving the payroll needs for small and mid size companies since 1989.
PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.
100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com
Daryl Lamore, Tom Giberti & John Petrocelli Petro’s, Landscapes of L/A, Petro’s
The worldʼs heaviest coin was from Sweden and weighed 43 pounds 7 1/4 oz.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
Dr. Steve Flynn
Chris Goding & Dee Dee Whittemore
Jo-Ann Lajoie
March!
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
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783-7039
The largest check ever written was from the American ambassador to the Indian government for $1,279,187,490.
Five Star Tax Service Personal & Commercial
Income Tax Preparation Business Proprietorship Rental Properties Professional & Accurate Reasonable Rates
Call
783-6190 TODAY Home Visitation Available
Ronald Jean
Five Star Tax Service • 27 Cram Avenue, Lewiston • 783-6190
0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances
Invest your INCOME TAX RETURN with us! For every $100 you spend you’ll receive an additional
$
50
Energy Star Efficiency Rebate
$
$
$
799
$
100
50
Efficiency Maine Rebate
699
$
10 OFF
$ One coupon per customer
$
50
299
$
Mail In Rebate
Cash Back Rebate
FRIGIDAIRE AFFINITY 3.5 CU. FT. FRONT LOAD WASHER
GE® ENERGY STAR® 4.0 IEC CU. FT. KING-SIZE CAPACITY FRONT LOAD WASHER WITH STAINLESS STEEL BASKET
Model: FAFW3511KW (White): WashSense technology ensures clothes get clean with care. Advanced Rinse Technology: Final rinse uses fresh water to ensure whiter whites and reduce allergens. Balance Control System: Vibration control technology keeps even oversized loads balanced for smooth, quiet operation. Ideal for use on second floors. Quick Cycle: A fast, 25-minute wash cycle. Add-a-Garment: With just the touch of a button, easily add an extra piece to the washer once a cycle has started.
Model: WCVH6800JBB (Black): ENERGY STAR Qualified: Meets or exceeds federal guidelines for year-round energy and money savings. Handles a kingsize comforter or 24 full-size bath towels with ease. LED indicators let you know exactly which cycle is in progress. Tracks water pressure and stores information from previous cycles to calculate optimal cycle times. Increases wash temperature to clean tough stains on loads like white cottons. Reversing wash action offers great cleaning performance with gentle wash motion.
®
®
$
549
50
Mail In Rebate
FRIGIDAIRE® 24˝ BUILT-IN DISHWASHER
GE® BUILT-IN DISHWASHER
Model: FDN1100RHS (White): ENERGY STAR® certified. 3 wash levels, UltraQuiet™ II sound package; Precision Wash® , removable filter trap, stainless steel food disposer, adjustable rinse aid dispenser. Heavy, normal, light and rinse-only cycles, heat/no heat dry cycles, hi-temp wash.
Model: GDWF100RBB (Black): Bright annealed stainless steel interior, PureClean wash system with 5-stage filtration, SaniWash cycle reduces 99.999% of harmful germs and bacteria, 2/4/8hour delay start, nylon racks designed to resist rust and secure dishes.
Maine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & Lewiston $ $
549
$
599
$
$
50
Mail In Rebate
FRIGIDAIRE® 30” FREESTANDING GAS RANGE Model: FGF368GB (Black): High-output sealed power burners with a 16,000 BTU Power Plus Burner and 14,000 and 12,000 BTU Power Burners, our ranges provide a wide variety of heating options for large pots and pans.
$
50
Mail In Rebate
50
749
$
Mail In Rebate
100
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GE® 30” FREESTANDING ELECTRIC RANGE Model: JB640DPBB (Black): Self clean allows you to spare yourself from the trouble and effort it takes to scrub the oven interior. Remarkably large oven interior is ideal for holidays, dinner parties and everyday family cooking. Electronic touch pads on the control panel make controlling your oven effortless. A large, 2700-watt element provides exceptional cooking power. Elegant shaped window makes it easy to monitor the progress of food. Topand-bottom heating produces uniform browning and fast oven preheating.
FRIGIDAIRE® GALLERY 30” FREESTANDING GAS RANGE Model: FGGF3031KB (Black): Quick Boil: Boils water fast. Low Simmer Burner: Perfect for delicate foods and sauces. Continuous grates make it easy to move heavy pots and pans between burners without lifting. Programmable from 1 to 24 hours.
67 Centre Street • Bath, ME 04530 Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963
0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances
Flight Pattern
There are 138 stock exchanges in the world.
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Portland to Las Vegas, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left." Uncle Andy turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Front row (l to r) Donna Collet, Betty Chadwick, Donna Noel, Carmen Kelly. Back row (l to r) Janice Blais, Bridget Cailler, Amy Laroche, Becky Smith-Papsis
Waving goodbye to winter and smiling for the arrival of spring Come into The Hairem and see what a new look can bring!
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you." Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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111 Sabattus Street, Lewiston â&#x20AC;˘ 782-4104 Many countries have a central bank to keep watch on private banks.
Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page
SAVE 1 $
Whole Home Generator Package
$
1 Large Bean Special
1 quart of beans, 1 pint of cole slaw, 1 bread
$6 (Regular price = $7)
Electrical Systems Of Maine
Andy’s Baked Beans & Tavern
1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Buy more Save more!
$10 OFF
UP TO
Ski or Snowboard Tuneup
See page 10 for more information
Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.
Biscuit, Gravy, Home Fries & Eggs Reg. price = $6.95
Fran’s Restaurant 1485 Lisbon St., Lewiston
786-0667
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
1 OFF
$
Monday - Thursday Only
1.00 OFF YOULY’S
$
Any purchase of $7.00 or more
RESTAURANT
Route 4 • 868 Auburn Road • Turner • 225-2323 Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
SAVE 10
%
on your next VW or AUDI service
878-9088
19 Industrial Way, Oxford • 539-9022
784-0103
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
20% OFF
Save $400 in heating fuel over a years time
Furnace Cleaning Special
$
149.95
Al’s HVAC 782-6336 Tues. • Wed. • Thurs. Only
Advertise your special discount here! Call us today at 783-7039.
1 OFF
$
Any purchase of $5 or more
Center Street Cafe 945 Center Street. Auburn
795-7777
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
47 Broad St., Auburn • 782-9044
100 OFF
Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10
!
YUMMY
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
BREAKFAST SPECIALS “All breakfast specials include coffee.”
Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am You asked… we listened! A new brand of coffee!
Fresh steak cut and ground daily. Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm
Jane Cyr
MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast.............$3.55 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.....................$3.55 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.55
5 Washington St., Auburn
THURSDAY: French Toast ......$3.55
783-4304
SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.55
Phone Orders Are Welcome
SUNDAY: French Crepes ........$3.55
FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette ..$3.55
Expires 3/31/10
$
1 OFF Any Purchase of $500 or more 1 coupon per order
Prices do not include tax.
The body's largest internal organ is the small intestine at an average length of 20 feet.
Julie Poulin
Opening Day
First Pitch at 8pm
Easter Sunday, April 4th
vs.
Sit in the bleachers & enjoy:
Come early to get your
Bleacher Beers • Fenway Franks seat! Stadium Sausages
Nina Hicks Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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71” Plasma • 13 Plasma TVs in all 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill.
The tips of fingers and the soles of feet are covered by a thick, tough layer of skin called the stratum corneum.
Full Foil & Cut only
*
$59
Limited Time Offer. Very long hair may be additional. *New clients onlynot visited in the past year.
Visit
www.OrbitHair.com to book your appointment online or call
782-9046 ORBIT HAIR STYLING 124 Ash St. Lewiston
Cash paid
for used guitars, amps & drums in any condition!
10 Switzerland Rd. • Lewiston (Across from L-A Harley) • 576-5412 • grittys@adelphia.net Hours: Mon.-Thu. Noon-8pm • Sat. 10-5 • Call for Sunday Hours The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.
Silly News From Around the World A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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A Farmer Goes To War Excerpts taken From A Farmer Goes To War written by the old man Reginald W Emery, Sr. A veteran of the Korean War. From June 1950 to July 1953. Some lived to write about and many died. Some were captured and never came home. The Korean War has always been the forgotten war. Some day the veterans of this war will be honored by the people of this country.
MORE Silly Laws! Hartford, CN: Itʼs illegal to walk across the street on your hands.
Auburn Exchange Club’s 34th Annual Twin Cities
GUN SHOW SAT. MARCH 27th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 28th 9-3
Reggie Emery, Sr. It was August 6, 1951. I was 20 years old. I had been married about 6 months. I received my walking papers to report to the induction center in Lewiston on Main Street. My wife didn’t drive so I asked my father to give me a ride to town. My wife and father brought me to town. My Dad kept saying they won’t take you, you’re too small. You’ll be back tonight. I said goodbye. First stop was Fort Williams in Portland. After our physical an old Sergeant lined us up, he said repeat after me and we all did. Then he said take one step forward and we did. You people are now in the Army of the United States of America. Basic training was at Fort Dix in New Jersey. Really the only thing that bothered me was
at the
Lewiston Armory Central Ave., Lewiston
Dealers from throughout d New Englan
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS
Admission: Adults: $7 Children under 12: Free with adult
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MORE Silly Laws! Kentucky: Anyone who comes face to face with a cow on the road, must remove their hat.
MORE Silly Laws! South Dakota: Donʼt fall asleep in a cheese factory, or you could be arrested.
ATTENTION LANDLORDS & PROPERTY MANAGERS
How many months have your problem tenants cost you?
MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS 207-577-6000 www.mmdrugscreening.com
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show Sue Cameron & Stacy Cobb
Please forgive me Suzy-Q. I promise next year I won’t forget our anniversary!
April & Brenda Tarmey
How does Jimbo get out of the dog house? He calls...
Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 • www.annsflower.com
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my short legs. I only take about a 26 inch step. The average person takes about a 31 inch step. In a march I would always start out at the front of the column after 10 miles I would end up 200 feet behind the rest which got me shoved in the back with an M-1 clean rod about 30 inches long. I think I had the shortest legs in the whole army. After 8 weeks of training I went to wheel vehicle school to learn how to repair trucks. We were fitted with gas masks and marched through Mustard gas for training. After training we were on our way to the Korean War. We got to Korea and were loaded on 6 trucks. 16 persons to a truck plus the driver and shot gun rider. We were going 10 miles from the rail head. The driver shouted, “hit the dirt! Incoming!!” And there was a hell of a blast. I jumped and landed in a rice paddy. What a smell, they use human waste for fertilizer. There were many more blasts to come. It was my job to run the generator using a combination of 6 and 12 volt batteries and a flat head jeep engine. After changing that engine 15 times or better I could do it in 27 minutes and even got a write up in the Stars and Stripes. One day I was talking with my LT and asked him where I might get some valves for that little generator. He said down the road about 3 miles. I took the old Dodge three-quarter ton truck and off I went, stupid on my part. I drove down the road and turned left I don’t know how far I went but things didn’t look very good to me so I went to turn around near some brush and when I turned around I was surrounded by Korean soliders. I was taken to a dug out (continued on next page)
MORE Silly Laws! Winchester, MA: Tightrope walking is illegal here unless you are in church.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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foundation where I thought I was going to be killed. To my surprise I was forced down with a piece of wood behind my knees. I was held down by someone pushing on my neck. There was an officer who asked me my name and serial number. I told him. He could speak English. The whole time he was asking me questions there was a man chained to a metal frame being shocked by an electric probe he had bitten his tongue off and was bleeding. I said I didn’t know where we were. If I was an officer I could tell you those things and more. He thought that I was the first one who told the truth. I was placed in another area with other prisoners. We were not allowed to talk to each other. It seemed I was there about 23 weeks. I was asked how was the food? If you like rice with maggots in it have a ball. The same officer came through one day saying were being moved to China tomorrow. During the night sometime he came and told me to be quiet. He brought me to my truck. The good Lord had to be with me. That old Dodge truck had a starter button on the floor. Remember this is a 1938 truck, 6 volt starter. It would never start. I hit that switch lever on the dash slammed down the switch on the floor and that engine came to life. I took off down the road as fast as that old truck would go. I thought they would use me for target practice but nothing happened. I thought my own out-post may spot me and call a fire mission in on me. I drove 18-20 miles and turned up the road and pulled into the main gate where I was challenged. The person on Guard Duty said, “where the hell have you been shorty?” I told him I (continued on next page)
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LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Your Source for: • Excavation • Foundations & Form Work • Boom Truck Work • Water & Sewer Lines • Gravel, Sand, Fill, Stone, Hot Top & Clay • Diesel Mechanics
Longchamps & Sons Inc. 15 Lisbon Street, Lisbon
Ph: 353-2349 • Fax: 353-5814 email: info@longchampsandsonsinc.com Check us out online at:
longchampsandsonsinc.com LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A backward poet writes inverse.
(continued from previous page)
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Office Rentals
ANOTHER NEW DAY is now located at 646 Main Street in Lewiston Call Nancy for more info 212-3305 Nancy Callahan
at 646 Main Street in Lewiston Affordable location for small and micro businesses • Easy to find on Main St. • Lots of parking • Handicap accessible for 1st floor units
State Licensed & Nationally Certified Massage Therapist
• Sprinkler system • Utilities included • Call Nancy for a tour
Callahan Property Management, LLC
207-619-2519
Did You Know? LAUNDROMAT CLEANERS COIN-OP
• • • •
We’re open until 9:00pm 7 days a week We always have an attendant on duty We have 34 washers and 40 dryers You still get 8 minutes credit on the dryers
was captured by the Chinese but I got away. Here comes the old motor Sergeant. He said, “where the hell have you been?” I told him too. He said, “you’re a G.D. liar. You’ve been shacked up in some Korean village.” I said no more and he covered for me. He said that I was on a job somewhere else. I later found out when I tried to move that damn truck to motor pool it went about 25 feet and stopped. Them old trucks held about ten gallons of gas. I looked in the fuel tank and it had liquid in it but it wasn’t gas it was water. We all know that water goes to the bottom of the fuel tank. How did I drive that truck 25 miles? It must have been the man up stairs. It sure was a damn good truck. I sure would like to have it now.
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Open at 7:00am Mon-Fri • Open at 8:00am Sat-Sun “BORN IN BROOKLYN… RAISED IN MAINE”
Attention All Lassies & Lads!! Brent & Beckie
It’s your lucky month... Stop by Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli and $ave!
Dave Warriner
$
1 OFF
any Corned Beef Sandwich in March Yes, even the Reuben!
HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm • Sun. 10am-8pm
600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Friday’s) 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com
Ms. Caron & Freddie Najera
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Out & About at D’Avanti Salon in Lewiston
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
Tuesday & Thursday Specials! 9pm-Midnight Well Drinks
$ 00
4
Don’t forget! Jello Shots Always $1 Any Domestic
$ 00
2
Olivia2
69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287 I love it, Laurie!
Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am
EARN 10% MORE in March
Open 7 Days 9am - 5pm
Cathy & Laurie
with any amount of bottles with this coupon
Mechanic Falls Redemption 128 Lewiston Street • McFalls • 345-3765
Richard Conway
Strange Lawsuits A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance for breaking their sevenweek engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counselling expenses.
Now that you’ve found me, come on down. Spring is here and so are the deals!
Rhonda In the pasture of life, don't be a cowpie. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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& Jimbo
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Don Hamel
699-707 Center St., Auburn • 1-800-339-7693 or 784-2321
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
Out & About at D’Avanti Salon in Lewiston
Sunday Morning Brunch Full menu available along with A la Carte breakfast selections. 10am to 2pm
782-2088
Logan & Amanda
150 Mill Street Lewiston
www.davinciseatery.com LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A will is a dead giveaway.
Spend $50 or more
Please mention Uncle Andy’s Digest
Scott
Get $10 OFF any order! ROLL TOWELS - ALL TYPES Bathroom Tissue, Trash Liners, Plates, Cups, Napkins, ETC. • Cleaning Chemicals & Janitorial Supplies
NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A AREA!
Stop waiting in line at the Big Box stores for your paper and janitorial supplies! Just call in your order...it’s that SIMPLE!!
wiper & paper
No m Minimu Order
120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Mechanical Repair... After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Jim A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the longer the spoke, the greater the tire. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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The Perfect Pet Submitted by Jimbo
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Gravity Any tool when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.
See Day’s Jewelers Service Department for: Appraisals
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
You should have your jewelry appraised every 5 years for insurance purposes.
The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
Engravings
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
Rings, wedding party gifts, lockets, watches and more
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Custom Designed Jewelry A Quigley Design is one of a kind! Turn something old into something new, too!
daysjewelers.com In Auburn: 600 Center Street ~ Shaw’s Plaza 207-784-6766
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THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of the Alibi... If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
WOOD PELLET SALE! $
239/ton 100% Maine Wood Pellets
$ave on heating costs
Call Today!
Environmentally Friendly
We Specialize in:
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Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
• Commercial/Industrial & Residential Electrical Installations • Infrared Thermal Imaging to detect potential problems • Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed • Generator installation
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
• Automated systems & controls • Telephone & computer wiring • Engineering/Design build
ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE
ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS
1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com
Great food, but no atmosphere.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Variation Law... If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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BROTHERS OF YORK Derek & Matt York, brothers who are both on the Poland H.S. Indoor Track team. Derek, a freshman and big brother Matt is a senior.
Goober Quotes: "Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in a moment." – Tom Brokaw, NBC News
March Sale!! Varilux Physio Frame & Lens Complete Package*
$
199
Some exclusions may apply. See an associate for details. Expires 3-31-10
Now accepting most major insurances 120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM Derek running the 4x200 Relay
Vision at a Value
783-4226
www.vipeyes.info
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Live Entertainment
Matt doing the high jump at 6’4” Matt came in first in the High Jump with 6' 4" and the Long Jump with 20' 8" at Western Maine Conference on Feb. 5th. He was awarded the plaque for Most Valuable Player by all the coaches. State Meet was Feb. 15th and Matt came in first at High Jump and second in Long Jump. Derek is sure to follow in his brother’s “tracks”. We wish the brothers all the best in the Outdoor Track this spring.
Sat. Mar. 6 Sat. Mar. 13 Fri. Mar. 19 Thu. Mar.25
Sat. Mar. 27 Sat. Apr. 3
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Chad Porter Okbari Belly Dancers
Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs 84 Court St, Auburn
Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00 Sat. 11:00-10:00
www.hollysown.com & Jimbo
3 Point Jazz Trio
Friday March 26 - Closed to Public from 4pm on for Private Wedding Party
333-3041
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
Okbari Belly Dancers Foreplay Mike Krapovicki
Breakfast, lunch & dinner. All right here! Holly Mireault, Owner
"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in that action." -- Mother Teresa
"Determine never to be idle... It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing." -- Thomas Jefferson
ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s Auburn Campus
Be Clean & Be GREEN!
We’re budget friendly and offer free estimates! Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products
www.KandLGreenClean.com
K+L GREEN CLEAN 577-8725 "Helping the environment one job at a time"
OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON
NO COVER - LIVE BANDS
Jackie Jancaitis, PT WorkMed
Call for band schedule Enjoy the games on our Large Screen TV!
Everyday Deli Specials
97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668
Pedicure
$
25
MARCH SPECIALS
Hair Studio 782-3848
WorkMed
Strange Lawsuits 30 minute Massage & Pedicure
$ 1117 Center Street, Auburn
Alison Fenton, OT
55
Tiffany LMT
Christine Owner/stylist
Alicia Stylist
Hair o Nails o Massage www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com
"Language is the dress of thought; every time you talk your mind is on parade." -- Dr Samuel Johnson
A man joined a group to learn, among other things, to fly through self-levitation. Unsatisfied with the results, he claimed psychological and physical damages and sued the group for $9 million. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ABOUT WHAT YOUR CATERER IS OFFERING?
Try Dad’s Place! You’ll get more bang for your buck. Affordable, quality catering: From Weddings to Summer Cookouts to Company Parties & More!
Our prices won’t leave you feeling “empty” Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Professional service at an affordable price
No job too big or too small! There’s NO PLACE like...
Call 345-9009 for pricing & details
Dad’s Place www.dadsplace.info
…Catering Division
"Once children learn how to learn, nothing is going to narrow their mind." -- Marva Collins
CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!
Out & About at D’Avanti Salon in Lewiston
We Buy, Sell & Trade Buying small & large firearm collections Check us out!
J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager
Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat
John Reid, Owner
Jake
North Atlantic Property Services “Where Quality and Professionalism are Number 1”
For all your Commercial and Residential Property Maintenance Needs UNCLOGGING DRAINS • BATHROOM MAKEOVERS & REPAIRS • CARPET/FLOORING LANDSCAPING & LAWN CONTRACTS • PAINTING • DRYWALL REPAIR • LIGHT CARPENTRY ALL OTHER REPAIRS AROUND YOUR HOME OR BUSINESS 24 HOUR EMERGENCY REPAIR SERVICE • FULLY INSURED • OVER 30 YEARS EXPERIENCE
Bethany
Call 713-7000
Strange Lawsuits
Home of the Double Yolker
Open 7 Days 6am-2pm DAILY SPECIALS Breakfast & Lunch WALL OF FAME
& Bakery
Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!
5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark. – Rabindranath Tagore
A bank discovered that millions of dollars deposited in an account were in fact embezzled funds. The bank transferred the funds back to the lawful owner and got sued! The embezzler's alleged accomplice filed a lawsuit against the bank for returning the money, and asked for $20 million in damages. The bank won in court, but only after spending over $20,000 in legal fees. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. – Oscar Wilde
MARCH SPECIAL
Spa Pedicure Just
$
99
19
Every Wed. in March A Paul Mitchell Color Salon
in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202 • www.davanti-salon.com Hours: Tues - Fri. 10-6 • Saturday 10-4 (closed Sun. & Mon.) • Appointments Appreciated • Walk-Ins Welcome
Reaction caught on film after Uncle Andy tried to give Daryn Slover (award winning photographer for the Sun Journal) some photography tips
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Daryn just smiled and graciously listened to Uncle Andy’s ranting. The two boys on the other hand...
Who the heck does this guy think he is? I’m gonna pound him! I ain’t saying a word. Mommy told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say just to keep quiet.
Once again, Uncle Andy opened mouth and inserted the proverbial foot...
Daryn Slover with his two boys, Ellis (3) & Orrin (2) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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"Self-love seems so often unrequited." – Anthony Powell
"To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness." – Robert Morely
www.colefarms.com A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray, Maine
JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE
Hours: Monday-Thursday 6 am – 9 pm; Friday 6 am – 9:30 pm Saturday 6 am – 9:30 pm; Sunday 6 am – 9 pm
MORE THAN 60 DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM!
When you dine at Cole Farms, you’re treated like family. Stop by for a meal today!
WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich
Mona Karole
Served from 10:30-3:30
DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . .$8.95 w/Potatoes, Peas, Squash, Stuffing, Gravy & Rolls
Tuesday Yankee Pot Roast$7.95 w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls
Wednesday -
Kristin Joseph & Diane Landry
Chicken Pot Pie . .$6.75 w/Potato & Rolls
Thursday New England Boiled Dinner $8.95
Hannah Hamilton
w/Corned beef, Potato, Cabbage, Carrots, Turnip, Beets & Roll
Friday - Lasagna . . .$8.75
BREAKFAST BUFFET SATURDAY & SUNDAY
Served from 7am-10:30am Adults . . . . . .$6.50 6 & under . . .$3.50
w/Salad & Rolls
Sunday - Roast Pork$8.75 w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Friday & Saturday -
After 4:00 PM
Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Gloria Hewey
Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock
"I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself." – May West
Gravity always gets me down. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
This Month at Irish Twins… Wed. March 24th at 7pm
Wed. March 17th
WINGY DINGY Wing Eating Contest
St. Patty’s Day Bash Opening at Noon
½ Price Appetizers
Must sign up in advance at Irish Twins
open to close
Finalists will face off on March 31st in the middle of the Auburn Mall vs. Thatcher’s top contenders!
$1.50 Domestic Pints $6 Irish Car Bombs $3 Guinness & Murphy’s Pints Live Music from Veggies by Day
Joyce Crane
Winner gets a cash prize!
8pm-close
Irish Twins Pub
! No cover charge EVER!!
Fall/Winter Hours: Mon.-Wed., Sat. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close
743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) • www.myspace.com/irishtwinspub Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.
Vicki Cantrell It’s nice to get a little recognition once in a while...
DAILY SPECIALS
Mondays: Ham or Turkey Italians with lettuce & tomato...............................$3.99 Tuesdays: Fried BBQ Chicken wrap .......$3.99 (add Fries for $1 more) Wednesdays: Pizza Day! Small Cheese or Pepperoni.......................$3.99 Thursdays: Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla ..$3.99 Fridays: Bocce Burrito..............................$3.99 Fresh Haddock Fish-n-Chips....................$7.99
Every Friday in March Fish & Chips$7.99 w/ cole slaw
Salmon Pie $6.99 w/ side salad
Lobster Roll $9.99 w/ fries & cole slaw
Sandra Nadeau & Dennis Landry Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Tuna Wrap . . . . . . . . .$4.99
LIVE MUSIC Sat. March 6 . . . . .4 Play Fri. March 12 . . . .Veggies by Day Fri. March 26 . . . .Veggies by Day
Wednesday All Day $1.50 Bud Select pint Well Seabreeze $4.00
Thursday All Day $5.00 Long Island Ice Tea P.B.R $1.50/pint
MONDAYS & TUESDAYS Chicken Tenders & Wings 50¢ each $2.00 Domestic bottled beer
30 Lowell Street, Lewiston
312-5100 There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved.
Wednesday, March 17th
St. Corned Patrick’Beefs Day Celebration ALL DAY! Hash Dinner $ .99 6 16 oz. Green Beer $2.00
w/ potatoes & carrots
Nicole Chapman
st
1 Annual Wing Eating Contest Thatcher’s & Irish Twins Pub are teaming up for: h March 24t & 31st
the
Fun begins at 5:30pm Finals start at 7:00pm
Tons of Giveaways!
get All entrants & finalists prize packages Winner gets
a
Sign up at Thatcher’s
CASH PRIZE!!
March 1st-17th Limited number of entrants
Dinner & Drink Specials 5-9pm $
2 Bud & Bud Light Bottles 2.75 Bud & Bud Light 25 oz. Drafts $5 Jager Bombs $5 Captain & Coke $
Cheeseburger Plate . . . . .$4.99 Garlic Butter Haddock . . .$7.99 w/ 2 sides 8 oz. Sirloin Steak . . . . . .$9.99 w/ 1 side
Mar. 24th qualifiers move on to the finals on Mar. 31st Center Court at Auburn Mall
92 Moose LIVE March 31st
Change of Heart Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
Available Mar. 24th & 31st Hours: Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9 pm • Sun. 11am - 5 pm
Jack Jalbert
782-2135
Laughter is a smile with the volume turned up.
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Budget Busters Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION: Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say are you going to drink that?
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping! Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More! VISIT
“THE BOOK NOOK”
Large
Regular Paperbacks $1/each
Selection of
3.50 each for most Hardcover Books
Fenton
Selective Hard Covers $2
Glassware!
$
20 OFF %
all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily
Inventory Reduction Sale 20% - 70% OFF
Featuring
131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week
8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards
960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store
Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!
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When you live in the past, it costs you the present.
s Alway g n i Buy
EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!
The Perfect Place to Dine any time of the day! Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm
784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn
Out & About in Aruba in the Gonya’s
I’m young, cute and smart enough to know that nothing compares to the intellect of this reading material...
Paige Gonya Daughter of Rick & Brenda Gonya
• Hair Services • Pedicures • Manicures • Waxing
777-1611
336 Center St. • Auburn
L to R: Candice Lamontagne, Mel Cote, Darcy Ames & Hanna Greene
Call today for your appointment Walk-ins welcome
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
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meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should utilize all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together - as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation. MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover period, which could be used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as time permits. FEEDBACK: As always senior management is interested in your feedback on these proposals. Please e-mail them to head office and they will be carefully reviewed after we return from the senior management motivational retreat in Italy. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Reek The Benefits Submitted by Jimbo
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't under(continued on next page)
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You can't test courage cautiously.
Use your tax refund wisely… There is no better investment than a new kitchen or bath
Large Selection of In-Stock • Hardwood • Carpet Rems • Laminates • Vinyl Rems • Ceramic Tile
Todd is ready and eager to help you design your new kitchen!
Now Available The latest styles of cabinet hardware makes cabinetry look updated and new. Brass, Antique Brass, Burnished Metals, Ceramic and much more.
22 Colors of in-stock laminate flooring starting at $1.10 sq. ft.
FREE
Laminate counter tops with all kitchen sales during the month of February! In-stock colors only • Excludes Bar tops Expires 3/31/10
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2
www.shermarnolds.com Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
GRANITE Starting at $39 sq. ft.
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stand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.
QUARTZ Cambria, HanStone, Silestone, Zodiaq, Caesarstone, Viatera
SHOWROOM 995 Center Street, Auburn Phone: 786-5556 â&#x20AC;˘ Fax: 786-5557 www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!" Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!
Life is full of uncertainties...of course, I could be wrong about that.
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory Partners at their mini trade show
Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. – Sally Koch
RESTAURANT
Great food at fair prices on St. Patty’s Day and every other day in March!
892-9922
Now located at 907 Roosevelt Trail Easy on the pocketbook Great for the whole family Full menu always available
Go visit me friends, Dave & Maggie O’Garry! You’ll be glad you did!!
Heather Leonardo Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm
Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners
Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere
Jeff Leonardo
Silly News From Around the World Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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MARCH 2010
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How you doin’?
I’m updating my Facebook status.
Windham/Raymond Adult Education CLASSES BEGIN FROM MARCH THRU MAY OVER 50 COURSES STILL TO CHOOSE FROM! Basic Literacy/Tutoring Personal Enrichment Business Training/Planning • Arts & Crafts Career Advising • Exercise, Health and Wellness College Connections/Transitions/Placement Testing • Personal Finance Computer Classes - All Levels • Family Life English for Speakers of Other Languages • Music and Dance High School Completion/GED • Trips Job Training and Retraining Summer Programs Start 7/12 Math and Reading Tutoring
Call 892-1819 FMI or check out our complete listing of courses at:
www.windham.maineadulted.org Politically Correct Statements for 2010: Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Out & About at the new St. Maryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Auburn Campus
Anne DeSantos Advanced Dentistry
Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Lisa Minkowski Advanced Dentistry
10 years experience with Permanent Cosmetic Makeup
71 East Avenue, Lewiston
783-3321 www.cassiels.com If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
Dr. Robert Limoges, DMD Advanced Dentistry Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Excuse-itis
To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.
Uncle Andy told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERS SHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS We also carry:
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain english what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
All other types of firearms Knives • Ammo by the case We Buy - Sell - Trade Finders fee for collections
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225-3432
Just past Twitchell’s Airport
Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210
"Okay," said Uncle Andy. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife, Anna." Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy.
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
Out & About at the new St. Mary’s Auburn Campus
Dr. Torres, is it true that all doctors have hard to read hand writing?
Absolutely not! I had bad handwriting long before I became a doctor.
Maria, Ashley, Mona & Dr. Torres • WorkMed Politically Correct Statements for 2010: The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
"You've already moved most of the earth."
Silly News From Around the World
g3firearms@megalink.net
WHAT’S IT WORTH?
Antiques
Curious about that painting, bird carving or coins that have been in the family for years?
$
5 per item
with a 3 item limit per family Proceeds to benefit the Mechanic Falls Historical Society
Bring it to the: Antique, Heirloom & Collectible Roadside Attraction April 24th • 9:00am - Noon
Fundraiser for the Mechanic Falls Historical Society March 6th
al with Profession nd! ha on s Appraiser
Coming May 8th 6:30 - 8:00pm
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
FMI contact Eriks Petersons 345-3134 or Matt Gary 740-0040 or email nepesons@myfairpoint.net
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?
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Roastbeef Supper 5-6pm
Coffee House with live Blue Grass music
Call for more info
Call for more info
Congregational Hall (formally The Congo Church) 64 Elm Street, Mechanic Falls
If all the misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as she began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair. I was delighted by her cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
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Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
Politically Correct Statements for 2010:
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffer-
www.shermarnolds.com
ing from "rebellious
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
follicle syndrome."
&T Jimbo
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Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s Birthday party
What now is proved was once only imagined.
Dad, the word on the street is this Uncle Andy guy just shows up randomly at parties when he knows there’s free food. Whose uncle is he anyway?
François & Ray I think I can open my birthday gifts in here without getting disturbed by Uncle Andy.
Maybe if no one looks at him, he’ll just go away.
1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore
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897-3400
784-3100 Bruce Landry
Jerimiah Morrissette
www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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A ladder was stolen from the store. The manager said that further steps will be taken.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
WARM UP WITH SOME OF OUR
Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s Birthday party
Come in and see our deals on Adult DVD’s & toys Tobacco products & accessories • And more!
ari P S
Smile competition
Over 30 Years in business!
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www.parisadultbookstore.com The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
Tom & Cindy Dykes Happy Birthday, Ray!
For your personal or commercial needs contact
BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY LEWISTON
BRUNSWICK Ed
92 Pleasant St., P.O. Box 679 Brunswick, ME 04011 725-2797 • Fax: 725-6001
Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
541 Lisbon Street Lewiston, ME 04240 784-4029 • Fax: 784-2360
&T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s Birthday party
I love Biddeford!
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
We have the latest in fashion colors •Silver •Platinum •Magenta •Blue & more Back, l-r: Jess, Brenda & Amanda Front, l-r: Tammy, Taylor, Stacy & Angela
www.MadisonAveSalon.net
Like mother, like daughter...
782-5920
You know how it is when
Oncle Andy you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reada effectivement ing, reading... and all of a été invité. Mais il sudden you notice your eyes est certain était are closed? I'm like that all amusant the time. – Uncle Andy vendanges sur lui!* *English translation: Uncle Andy was actually an
Christine & François
invited guest. But it sure was fun picking on him!
I love Biddeford, too!
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Why Dogs Canʼt Use Computers 1. Heʼs distracted by cats chasing his mouse. 2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. 3. Saliva-coated CDʼs refuse to work. 4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that heʼs browsing www.purina.com instead of working. 6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. 7. He canʼt help attacking the screen when he hears “Youʼve Got Mail”. 8. Itʼs too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits. 9. The FETCH command isnʼt available on all platforms. 10. He canʼt stick his head out of Windows.
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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784-1819
Paint Color Submitted by Maggie Joyce
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! (continued on next page)
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
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(continued from previous page)
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I just hired three goobers, Jimbo, Uncle Andy and Travis and theyʼre laying sod across the street."
Nothing But A Hound Dog Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."
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Hot Air & Boiler Cleaning Special Includes:
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Save $400+ If you haven’t had your heating system cleaned in the past 12 months this is what it may be costing you… 15% efficiency loss of 1000 gallons of heating oil at $2.70/gal (.15%x1000/gals.x$2.70/gal.=$405.00) or pay $149.95 and help yourself!
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I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt, than there are to get out of it.
Out & About in Aruba in the Gonya’s What would any trip be without an Uncle Andy’s Digest?
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Paige and Peyton Gonya Daughter of Rick & Brenda Gonya Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. – Uncle Andy
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE Strange Lawsuits
Professional Home Inspections, Inc.
RP R
A college student in Idaho decided to "moon" someone from his 4th story dorm room window. He lost his balance, fell out of his window, and injured himself in the fall. Now the student expects the University to take the fall; he is suing them for "not warning him of the dangers of living on the 4th floor".
Complete Home Inspections Water Testing • Water Radon Air Radon • Lead Paint Testing • Mold Testing Infrared Thermal Imaging
Certified Inspector 72 Old Lisbon Rd. • Lewiston, ME 04240
Tel. 207-782-9663 • Fax 1-207-514-8058 www.RPRPROHOMEINSPECTIONS.COM Email: Roger@RPRprohomeinspections.com
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413 Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:
Sabattus Home For Sale
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips: When camping, always wear a longsleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
3 bedroom, 2.5 bath Log home with indoor pool with ion pool system (no chlorine - odorless). Master bedroom with bath, cathedral ceiling, walk out basement. 2,600 sq. ft. on 1.5 acres. Must see! $249,900
Call Bert Cote to set up a showing!
754-5600
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
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Dad, I’ve heard that drinking coconut milk will increase your stamina, giving you a faster time running the mile...
Paige Gonya
Available at:
Heating, Air Conditioning & Plumbing 137 Spring Street, Auburn
800-287-3246 or 786-3246
The Gonya’s in Aruba Brenda, Peyton, Paige & Rick
Wow, I’m gonna be in Uncle Andy’s!
"As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." – Submitted by Jane Grant, Travel consultant
What Jimbo looks like after pulling an all-nighter Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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The Binettes of Leeds in Punta Cana
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Wait around for opportunity. Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities
Service Rental Sales
Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500
We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
Tree Wood Submitted by Jimbo
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
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Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
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The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Someone robbed the wig factory. Police have been combing the area for clues.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
&T Jimbo
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Cleanliness is Best
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "THINK"! The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:
Wood Pellets $249 a ton! Corinth Wood pellets - 100% hardwood!!
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"THOAP!" The executive was interviewing Uncle Andy for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
33 Elm St. • Mechanic Falls
Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Think summer, baby!
Uncle Andy quickly responded, "The living one."
Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips: A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
HOMES WANTED We could sell your home in 24 hours! CALL US AT 784-3800 IF YOUR HOME FITS ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS
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Year-round Home on Tacoma Lakes
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784-3800
Kongratulations, Kelsie!
Most visited agent website
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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
Free Use of Moving Van • Free Use of Moving Van I lost my mind! I think my kids took it. A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"
Another child said, "The Verge."
One child answered, "Mary."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"
The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
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I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a drag. – Uncle Andy
Kelsie Rioux was named Student of the quarter at the Maine Vocational Region 10! Great job, Kelsie!!
Strange Lawsuits A woman went into a Northridge discount department store to buy a blender. She decided to take the bottom box from a stack of four blenders from an upper shelf used to store extra stock. When she pulled out the bottom box, the rest of the boxes fell. She sued the store for not warning customers from taking stock from the upper shelf and for stacking the boxes so high. She claimed to sustain carpal tunnel syndrome and neck, shoulder and back pain. This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Modular vs. Stick Built Modular's, in general, have similar building materials, mechanics and, for the most part, are considered equals (I don’t have enough room to talk about Hudulars) to stick built homes. Having said that, Modular's only advantage in a slow building market like this is the lead time from when ordered to when delivered. A four week savings should be average, but in a busy market you could wait up to 12 weeks before the modular is even shipped. Is a 15% premium for a potentially faster finished home worth it? That’s an average of $20,000 more for maybe 4 weeks of time savings. How about your money going to a factory of assembly line workers vs. a Maine business? On the assembly line it usually takes one day or less to build a house depending on the manufacturer, what are you losing in terms of quality and what shortcuts were taken? Going back to value, most companies build mobile homes and share a lot of the same inexpensive materials and mechanical fastenings. Well run framing crews, 2nd generation drywallers, tradesmen, and finished carpenters are hard to beat. In summary, I have seen hundreds of well made quality Modular's that many Mainers call home. I have even built some in the Cape Neddick area in York… I mean Northern Mass. Point being, only a few local people benefitted and the premium could have been money saved or money spent on a garage or landscaping. Want to know more or want to know what a HUDULAR is? Send me an email. Matt@FournierHomes.com. Please send your questions to matt@fournierhomes.com and selected questions with answers will be published in next month’s issue. Let’s see what we build together.
N
the evel with Matt Fournier Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. – Uncle Andy
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
ind L-A Harley on acebook and become a an
Whatever you guys do, don’t look behind us!
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
What the heck, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Picking a Hymn Submitted by Jimbo
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
Rick Nichols & Sons Excavation & Carpentry Snowplowing
ATTENTION BUSINESS OWNERS, PROPERTY MANAGERS & LANDLORDS Affordable commercial Master Electrician for all your electrical needs Licensed & Insured “Our prices wonʼt SHOCK you”
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Call 345-9586 or 754-9586
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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4
S A N I PLUS
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The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations. It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.
Uncle Andyʼs motto: First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
HELP SAVE THE DEER HERD Electronic Predator Calls Coyote • Fox • Squirell • Rabbit and other wild game calls
Guns • Ammo • Accessories
You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.
1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
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Jimbo on Uncle Andy: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
Gediman’s Guy
Jacob Gagnon just coming out from a spin in an Electrolux dryer
This is the best p time ever to sho for cabinets!
Yeah, I’m spoiled with all these fluffy pillows and stuff. What about it, buddy?!
Why buy particle board cabinets at the big box stores when you can get
We have the best quality for the lowest prices!
solid wood built cabinets for less money?
Molly Marsh I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten million dollars in the lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.
www.shermarnolds.com
He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and traveler's checks.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2
&T Jimbo
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Birthdate
Don't worry. I forgot your name too. â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Uncle Andy
Submitted by Jimbo
One day while taking their third coffee break Uncle Andy was telling Travis a story about that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather and how they had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Uncle Andy and his good friend Big Gare headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Uncle Andy and Big Gare arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Uncle Andy stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Big Gare headed for home. When Uncle Andy arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
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The feeble old grandmother took Uncle Andy by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and greatgrandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear." Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis
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True power is when what you say is only the tip of the iceberg of what you really know.
I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top.
Use your Income Tax money to improve your home and increase the value. Get FREE in-home estimates on roofing, siding and windows. We have the biggest selections to choose from. Hurry before prices go up in Spring!
Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
We sell: • Metal & Asphalt Roofing • Basement Hoppers • Entry Doors & Windows • Coil Rolls & Siding
Vinyl Replacements starting at $
175 installed
Over 20 Years Experience Fully Insured
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10% Discount for Seniors Installation Available
L & S WINDOWS Hours: M-F 8 to 5
Come visit our showroom at 884 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-9200 or 1-866-989-9155 • email: LandSWindows@gmx.com
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
SPRING & SUMMER PROJECTS Twin Construction can do it! New construction • Remodeling • Roofing Flooring • Windows • Light excavation & more!
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CONSTRUCTION
Call 345-TWIN
Dog Rules
Buying Distressed Properties
or 576-5494 or 740-0040
Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.
Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010
REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed
Winter is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages! Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!!
Property Services Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs
Farrell Enterprises Geez, Dad is always on the phone!
Dog Rules DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
94
& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
783-7039
Great! You saw my ad in Uncle Andy’s Digest!! We’ll be right over...
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Fully Insured
782-5300 or 576-2501
Paul & Mike Farrell
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. – Uncle Andy
Man has will, woman has way.
Pressure Shot Submitted by Jimbo
Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!" I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Uncle Andy
Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
MARCH 2010
783-7039 95
FULL RECONDITIONING SPECIAL
Includes: Interior: Complete wipedown Steam clean carpets & seats Leather conditioning Shine windows Scenting
Exterior: Wash Compound polish Rail dust removal Hand wax Tire shine Acid off rims Engine degrease
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Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
125
When you mention this ad Call for an appointment Motorcycle Reconditioning Call FMI
Raymond’s
Reconditioning 1830 Lisbon St. Lewiston
240-0773
$12,990
Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio
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2004 CHEVY TAHOE LT
$12,490
Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio
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2005 CHEVY TAHOE Z71
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Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
96
& Jimbo
MARCH 2010
783-7039
$14,990
Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio
Tow Pkg, Roof Rack, DVD & Navigation, On Star, Cruise, Tilt, CD, Premium Bose Sound, Moonroof, Power Windows, Locks, Mirrors and Leather Seats, Brush Guard, Privacy Glass
Adam Raymond, Owner
2006 FORD EXPEDITION XLT
LakeCityExports.com LakeCityExports.com
2004 GMC YUKON SLE
$12,490
Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio Tow Pkg, Running Boards, Roof Rack, Cruise, CD & Premium Sound, Power Windows, Locks, Mirrors & Drivers Seat, Tinted Glass
2004 GMC YUKON XL
$11,490
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867 Center Street, Auburn
753-0033 753-0033
There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.