UAD April 2010

!

oved New & Impr

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America

Emerson Toyota .com

APRIL 2010

FREE and worth every penny!

Come see our completely renovated restaurant

WE’RE BACK ON COURSE!

Join us for fantastic food & service!!

Voted L/A’s Best Seafood Chowder 2004 - 2007

The Vallee family: Norm, Connie, Belinda & Mick

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com

31 Blake St. Lewiston

782-7113 Call Dan Dumont for your FREE Estimate!

138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

3rd Annual TENT SALE & OPEN HOUSE Thurs. April 22nd - Sat. April 24th HUGE Selection of pre-owned inventory

10% OFF

Special Rate Financing as low as

3.99%

Special Orders

AND MAXIMUM DISCOUNTS

PRICED RIGHT AND READY TO GO

15% OFF Giveaways • Food • Refreshments in-stock 10% OFF WHATEVER IT TAKES! accessories Special Orders

Riding Glasses ONLY

$

on New Motorcycles, ATVs, & Side by Sides

12

up to 50% OFF 845 Main Street, Lewiston • 689-2345 www.centralmainepowersports.com

Special Apparel Purchases & up to 70% OFF Closeouts

I Love My Job Submitted by Jimbo

As Dr Seuss would write it...

I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day.

I love my Boss; he's the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location.

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!

There's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my Peers.

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software; I hug it often though it doesn't care.

I love each Program and every File, I try to understand once in a while!!

I'm happy to be here, I am I am; I'm the happiest Slave of my Uncle Sam. I love this Work: I love these Chores.

I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again I even love these friendly Men These men who've come to visit today in lovely white coats to take me away!!

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"Stopping advertising to save money is like stopping your watch to save time."

– Anonymous

Parents: You Never Thought Job Could Be So Easy!

For example, our class curriculum is full of fun, exciting activities and character development lessons that teach and encourage students to: • Treat themselves and others with respect • Concentrate and always do their best work • Serve as a positive role model for others • Take responsibility for their actions • Be proud of their accomplishments Your child will enjoy our martial arts program because itʼs exciting and fun, and youʼll love it because weʼll support your role as a parent… making your job easier!

Donʼt wait! Call now to try a risk FREE no-obligation class:

April 21

FREE Intro to Karate for Kids Karate for pre-school to 6 yrs old Juniors 7-12 years Adults Kick Boxing and Self Defense for Adults MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy being politically correct: He doesnʼt talk a lot. Heʼs just "abundantly verbal."

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA APRIL 2010 Tuesday, April 6 Sally’s Center St. Café BREAKFAST (Camp 12749) 945 Center St. Auburn 7:00am – 10:00am. $3 per Member $4 per Guest Saturday, April 10 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Camp 14346) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston 4:00pm – 6:30pm $4.50 per Member $6 per Guest Sunday, April 11 KC Breakfast (Camp 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick 8:00am – 10:00am $4 per Member, Child under 10 free Wednesday, April 14 Chick-A-Dee (Camp 12907) Rt 4, Turner 4:00pm – 7:00pm. $8 per Member $9 per Guest Tuesday, April 20 Luiggi’s (Camp 12749) 63 Sabattus St., Lewiston 4:00pm – 7:00pm. $4 per Member $4.50 per Guest Sunday, April 25 L/A Community Little Theater (Camp 10589) 30 Academy St, Auburn “Sentimental Journey” 2:00pm. $12.50 per Member $14 per Guest Tuesday, April 27 Roy’s (Camp 14437) Washington St., Auburn 4:00pm – 7:00pm. $3 per Member $3.50 per Guest Wednesday, April 28 Trolley House Restaurant (Camp 10929) Main St, Norway 11:30am – 1:00pm $5 per Member $6 per Guest

Prices and Menu are Subject to Change. Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday from 9am - 4pm and Friday from 9am – Noon (excluding Holidays).

FMI call 782-1833.

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: Kids don't get grounded anymore.

They merely hit "social speed bumps."

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

Politically Correct Statements for students in 2010: You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS

PHONE: 207 FAX: 207

783-7039 777-3898

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

www.UncleAndys.com

APRIL 2010

Staff UNCLE ANDY Peppermill Pro

JIMBO Baseball Fever

Travis Dow

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660

DIY Part Deux

www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Maggie Joyce

Outbid

Gwendolyn’s Playmate

Marty Dow Marty-Dale

Michele Farrar The Wedding Planner

Joe & Mike Adkins at last!

Submitted by Travis Dow

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

April Showers…

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

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Wednesday Special Saturday Special Element pedicure Makeup application 30-minute facial

$70

Element Signature Facial 1 hour massage Makeup application

$110

Su-Ying Chavez

We now offer Reiki Treatments and Reiki One and Two Certification Classes

element day spa

We use & recommend

8 Market Square • South Paris • 739-6789

We do Weddings!

visit our Facebook page or www.elementdayspa.org

Call ahead to plan your event!

Politically Correct Statements for students in 2010: These days, a student isn't lazy.

He's "energetically declined."

Politically Correct Statements for students in 2010: You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Naturally detoxify in the all-new Infrared Sauna

$5.00 Off

Spring Special

any sauna treatment

Expires 4/30/10 • Limit one

FREE Whitening Trays & Gel with any Patient Exam .00 $5 Off tanning package or product of your choice Expires 4/30/10 • Limit one

For Those Who Like it HOT!

Hot Stuff

Tanning Salon & Wellness Center 545 Minot Avenue, Auburn

784-8900 Politically Correct Statements for students in 2010: No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

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HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE 62 Turner Street (next to the county building) Auburn • 795-4095 AUBURN-LEWISTON

www.alymca.org

YMCA Where You Belong!

This Month at the YMCA: April 5th

April 17th Healthy Kids Day Noon-3pm

Hours: Mon. – Fri. 5:00am-8:30pm; Sat. & Sun. 7:00am-2:00pm

United Way of Androscoggin County

April 19th Mondays 6-7pm, 8 weeks

Couch to 5K

Grades 3-5, 10 weeks

Membership Drive April 12th-17th

Stop by for your FREE 2-WEEK TRIAL MEMBERSHIP

Camp Connor

Camp Connor Grades K-8 Teen Leadership Camp Grades 9 & 10

Informational Sessions • April 17: Healthy Kids Day at the YMCA, Noon-3pm

• April 26: Open Registration Camp Directors will be on hand to answer questions from 6-8pm in the gymnasium.

19th-23rd • May 23: OPEN HOUSE Y Members-only Registration April Save the date!

Lifeguard Thursday, April 8th 1-4pm at Camp Connor in Poland Certification April 26th - Open Registration Course Register Now for the Greater L/A

Triple Crown 5K Series at www.triplecrown5k.com

• June 19: Meet & Greet 10am-1pm - Come meet the staff at Camp Connor in Poland

There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.

Andy ʼn Albert Submitted by Maggie Joyce

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert notices Uncle Andy is also at the party, goes up to him and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which Uncle Andy answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboyʼs?"

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

– Bill Cosby I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

Helping our local small businesses, families and individuals.

■ Health ■ Dental ■ Vision ■ Disability ■ And More!

For personalized service in your area, contact your local Insphere agent today.

Dale E. Blake Licensed Insurance Agent

207-754-9291 dale.blake@insphereis.com A12534

Kids In Church Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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Insphere Insurance Solutions, Inc. 11S000226

You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.

PROM SPECIAL Please book your appointment in advance.

We fill up fast!

Updo & make-up application

Only $45 Attention E.L. Girls: Open Sunday, May 30th for Prom, appointment required, space is limited. www.MadisonAveSalon.net

782-5920

There's no sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE

Reminder:

Time for Heartworm tests Get your Heartgard & Frontline now!

Word Play The longest word you can spell without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The longest word with just one vowel is strengths.

The only English word with a triple letter is goddessship.

Catherine Sanders, D.V.M.

Taylor Brook Animal Hospital

Hours: Mon., Wed., Fri. 8-5; Tues. & Thurs. 7:30-6; Sat 8-noon

33 Millett Drive • Auburn between Minot Ave. & Court St.

784-1726

Affordable! Really!

Three meals a day Plus snacks Weekly housekeeping - 24 hour call buttons Transportation to doctors appointments & shopping

All for $1,300 per month!

Openings Available Now! Call for a tour today!!

#433 Rt. 202, PO Box 629, Greene

The word with the longest definition in most dictionaries is set.

The shortest -ology (study of) word is oology (the study of eggs).

Of is the only word in which an "f" is pronounced like a "v".

Silly News From Around the World

946-3007 “Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center”

www.mainemeadows.com

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Shop local Use our advertisers!

Hate is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.

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Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance

"The great and glorious masterpiece of man is to know how to live to purpose."

– Michel de Montaigne

Jewelry doesn’t fit? Bring it in and get it sized.

ALL jewelry repairs done in-house by an expert jeweler.

Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

Watch Batteries Replaced • Watch Bands • Ring Sizing • Stone Setting Clasp Replacement • Bead Stringing • Appraisals • Eyeglass Repair

What a great night! Thanks to everyone who made it such a success!!

DiamondCut

Jewelers

Lisa

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Always Free Jewelry Cleaning & Inspection Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com

Dog Rules Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Auburn Mall Eye Care Bring in this ad for...

5 OFF

$

Contact Lenses

(excludes exams) 1 coupon per person Expires 4/30/10

DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

550 Center Street, Auburn (207) 782-5030

4/30/10

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Mindy

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

PARTS • SALES • SERVICE WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes • Sales of New International Trucks • Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes

Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend. – William Rostler

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My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out. – Jimbo

www.emerso

The Back Forty SO

LD

SO

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LD

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund" if you will.

ontoyota.com

y April Specials

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

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Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.

Your Community Auto Repair Shop Quality service at an affordable price!

The frost heaves have settled. Now is a great time to get your alignment done!

Call for an appointment.

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net

I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy.

Fontaine Family Team Members Recognized at Annual Banquet The Fontaine Real Estate Annual Awards Banquet was held recently at the Sedgley Place in Greene Team President Brenda Fontaine says, “The accomplishments of Bill, Clay, Beth and Deb speak not only to their professionalism but also to the level of commitment they make to all their clients everyday. Their dedication to providing the highest level of service is, in large part, the reason for our continued success as a team. I could not be more proud to have them as a part of our Fontaine Family.” You can reach any team member at 784-3800 or online at www.brendafontaine.com.

Bill Bergeron ranks in the top 1% of all real estate agents worldwide.

He received the “Top Sales Leader Award,” having closed 60 unit sales in 2009. Bill specializes in residential and multi unit sales. He resides in Lewiston with wife, Crystal and two children, Bree and Brock. You can reach Bill at 576-6523.

Clayton Larochelle has been a consistent top producer for ten years and received both the Residential and Commercial “Sales Leader Awards,” having closed 55 unit sales in 2009. Clay also ranks in the top 1% of all agents worldwide. He resides in Lewiston with his wife Angela, and his son, Dustin. You can reach Clay at 576-6524.

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Beth Favreau was recognized with the “Success Award” for 2009.

Since joining the team in 2005, she has consistently closed more than 35 units each year. She specializes in residential properties. Beth is also among the 1% top ranked agents worldwide. Her husband Shawn and son, Axel live in Auburn. You can reach Beth at 576-1933.

Deb Morin received the “Achievement Award” for 2009, having closed 37 units for the year. A member of the Fontaine Family team since 2007, she too is among the 1% top ranked of all agents worldwide. Deb specializes in residential properties. She and her husband, Ron live in Auburn. You can reach Deb at 576-8710.

Fontaine Family-The Real Estate Leader is a highly skilled team of 15 licensed real estate professionals who work together to help buyers and sellers make a stress free move. Each team member is a licensed realtor, including office staff.

336 Center St., Auburn

784-3800

I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty. – John D. Rockefeller Jr.

Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy. – Eskimo saying

Birthday

Girl

Top 6 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s • Expert service & highest quality

It’s time to start thinking about a complete A/C performance check!

• Accurate diagnosis of problems • Fair & honest quotes • Great customer service

• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small • Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service

Paul Deschenes

FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S 2003 Chevy S-10

2006 Harley-Davidson Ultra Classic

$

5,500

Only $ 18,500 Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS, AM/FM stereo, extra chrome, 2 windshields

Abigal Happy 4th Birthday Abigail!

We love you very much!

- Mumma & Dadda

4x2, Low miles, Standard, one owner

Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A

Mike Morin’s Auto Center 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

Steve Rioux & Darcy Pabst

“A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

parents of Abigal and also recently engaged.

How can you save money without sacrificing quality?

By calling Wyman’s Collision today!

From dings & dents to complete overhauls and custom paint jobs.

Dan Wyman, Owner

See us for a FREE ESTIMATE and $AVE!

VW & AUDI SERVICE Mention this ad for

Phone: 333-3231

10% OFF

1164 Minot Ave. (behind Dealer Worx)

459 Washington Street in Auburn • 878-9088 • www.rennen.us

your next service

"Beware of undertaking too much at the start. Be content with quite a little. Allow for accidents. Allow for human nature, especially your own." – Arnold Bennett

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Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve love and affection."

– Buddha

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 26 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

Rod & Beth Cameron, owners Jan Rivers, Joan Rivers younger half sister was on hand interviewing all the stars!

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

"To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now." – Alan Cohen

STATE CHAMPS! Poland Regional High School wins Class B state cheering title

1st row: Shelby Brown, Haley Hebert, Sophie Geelhoed, Billy Jo Morrison, Lee-anna Hopper. 2nd row: Tyler Davison, Emily Briggs, Olivia Doyer, Abby Strout, Brianna Morris, Stephanie Campbell, Mikala Hayes. 3rd row: Coach Hebert, Krysta Martin, Heidi Chipman, Kaitlyn Row, Alysha Walsh, Colleen Murphy, Paige Brousseau, Coach Betsch Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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"Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults."

– Les Brown

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Check Up From The Neck Up Submitted by Jimbo

ALL OF OUR VEHICLES COME WITH A 3 MONTH/3,000 MILE WARRANTY

$11,900

$8,900

2003 Nissan Frontier

2004 Mazda3

6cyl., 4x4, 76k, Crew Cab, Keyless Entry, CD, Leather, Tow Pkg

Auto, Leather, Loaded, Keyless Entry, CD, Alloys

Uncle Andy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "Iʼve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed, I think thereʼs somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think thereʼs somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, Iʼm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and Iʼll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

$9,500

$11,900

2003 Honda Accord LX

2006 VW Jetta

Auto, Power Windows Seats & Locks, Alloy Wheels, Great on Gas

5 Speed, Loaded, Leather, Moonroof, Premium Audio, 72k

$14,200

$14,900

2004 Audi A6 Quattro

2007 Volvo S60 2.5T

Auto, S-Line, AWD, 69k, Leather, Roof, Loaded

Turbo, Sedan, Auto, Sunroof, Leather, 60k, Keyless Entry, Loaded

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I`ll sleep on it," said Uncle Andy.

Six months later the doctor met Uncle Andy on the street. "Why didnʼt you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

We are a full service repair shop Full Vehicle Reconditioning Available 733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

777-0047 • www.laautocompany.com "If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy." – Kristin Chenoweth

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible."

– Bernard Baruch Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by security guard for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE ‘00 BMW 328CI 5-speed, many aftermarket upgrades.

Black w/red interior

$

8,995

‘00 Jeep Grand Cherokee New tires, 6 cylinder, 4WD

$

5,295

Other Inventory 06 Jeep Wrangler X Sport, 45k, 6 Speed Hard & Soft Tops . . . . .$14995 04 Kia Optima, Infinity Audio, Leather, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5495 04 VW Jetta, 99k, 5-Speed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7495 02 Buick Rendezvous, Blowout Price!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4495 02 Honda Accord EX, Auto, Sunroof, Wheels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5995 02 Saab 95 Turbo, Loaded 5-Speed, Leather . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4495 00 Hyundai Elantra, 5-Speed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2995 00 Volvo XC70, AWD, Wagon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5995 99 Acura SLX, SUV, 4x4, 79k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5995 99 Audi A4, 5-Speed, Power Windows & Locks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4495 98 Jeep Grand Cherokee, 4WD, 6cyl. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3995 97 VW Jetta GL 1.8T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2495 96 Volvo 850 GLT, 5-Speed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1795

INDEPENDENTAuto Scott McFarren & Tim Bellmore

1298 Sabattus St. Lewiston

Recon Special $125 Dealers… call for special pricing!

Tim Bellmore

786-7744

Uncle Andy’s Almanac says Summer is on it’s way.

"Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others." – Wilfred Peterson

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

M & P AUTO SALES

$

7,995

2005 Hyundai Tiburon 33K, Auto, Maroon

$

9,950

2007 Pontiac Grand Prix 62K, Silver, Sharp Car, Aluminum Wheels, PW, PL, AC, FWD

$

11,500

2005 Ford F250 Superduty

www.MandPautosales.com

Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867

Xtra Cab, 4WD, V8, Auto, 80k 2005 Monte Carlo, V6, Auto, 70K, Black, Sharp! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2003 Chevy Silverado, Black, Ext. Cab, 4.8 Auto. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,800 2002 Ford F350 Superduty, 109k, Auto, 8 ft. minute mount plow . . . .$12,000

$

3,995

1998 GMC 2500 Cargo Van 86k, 1-Row Seating, Maroon

$

6,500

1994 Chevy 2500 Reg. Cab, Ready to Work, 103K, White

$

14,995

2006 Ford F250 Superduty 4WD, Xcab, 92k, FX4 Off-road Package, V8, Auto, Aluminum Wheels

Roosevelt Trail • North Windham

892-0932 or 754-4867

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Spend his summer vacation in Cyberspace.

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A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"

Walk of the Century

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

ONE-STOP AUTO SERVICE

Brake Service • Custom Exhaust • Shocks & Struts • Used Car Sales • ABS Light Tires • Tune-ups • Rust Repair & Body Work • Engine Overhauls • Transmission Overhauls • Custom Paint • Motorcycle Tanks & Fenders • Restorations & Rebuilds I just got my new custom-made exhaust at The Shop!

THE SHOP

304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon

353-6100

Submitted by Maggie Joyce

Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Not eat cloned meat.

Out & About at O’Shea’s St. Patty’s Day Bash

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.

"My wife and I were married 75 years ago.

On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

"Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

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Irish American Eatery & Pub

34 Court Street in Auburn

Check us out!

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Create loose ends.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE IT’S MUD SEASON!

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

MORE TO GO ON The New 2010 Arctic Cat ATV’s are in!

Check out our Arctic Cat riding apparel & accessories, too!

AMES SPORTS SHOP

Set your sights on Ames Sports Shop!

84 Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Get more toys.

Starting with a visit to Great Falls Credit Union.

The extra money you’ve been looking for CAN BE YOURS...

We have the financing for you!

Rates as low as 3.99%*

• LOW RATES • LOW PAYMENTS • EXTENDED TERMS • ONE HOUR LOANS

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com

*Some restrictions my apply. See loan officer for details.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE SAM’S BODY SHOP Custom Trailer Hitches Sold & Installed Trailer Repairs 886 Main St. Lewiston • 784-0015 • Open Mon. Wed. Fri. 8:00-4:00

Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…

NO PROBLEM!

$

55/hr. LABOR RATE Fully Warranteed & Certified

Brad Johnson

Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Get further in debt.

FULL SERVICE HARLEY MOTORCYCLE SHOP

GET YOUR BIKE ROAD-READY! Oil Changes Tire Mounting & Balancing Brakes

We service & repair Shovelheads

State of Maine Inspection Station

V-ROD SPOKEN HERE!

625 Washington Street, Auburn (207) 777-3339 Remote Starters • Alarms • Car Audio • Boat Audio

Spring is here!

Roll down your windows and turn up your new stereo from Sound Effects!

www.soundeffectsmaine.com

www.v-shop.us • email: info@v-shop.us 140 Riverside Drive • Auburn

Become a fan of Uncle Andy’s Digest on facebook!

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

BEFORE

Need Body Repairs?

AFTER

Go to www.UncleAndys.com and click on the facebook link. Then click “Become a Fan”

CALL US

For your free estimate!

2085 Lisbon Road, Lewiston • www.ChapmanCollision.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Start being superstitious.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Spend more time at work, surfing with the internet.

$4,650

TNJ ‘05 Neon SXT

Auto Sales

Fun Summl er Specia

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

‘94 Honda Del Sol

926-4300 One of a kind! 94K, 5 speed, mint. $0 Down Never seen snow! $123 Monthly Payment 60 months at 5.35 Qualifying Credit.

Total amount financed: $6,491

1013 Lewiston Road Route 100 • New Gloucester

Plus or Minus One In a contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition: The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.

Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt!

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

"We've made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy." – Anonymous

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are."

– Anonymous Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Latin Lesson "Domino vobiscum."

Translation: The pizza guy's here.

"Sharpei diem."

Translation: Seize the Wrinkled Dog. "Motorolus interruptus."

Translation: Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus."

Translation: Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."

Translation: It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.

"Tempo Waturim."

Translation: I drove my Ford off a bridge.

"Litigata Ergo Sum." Translation: I sue, therefore I am.

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

History...

Three generations of the Vallee family welcome you to The Village Inn Restaurant. This landmark building started out in the 1950ʼs as a small drive-in-diner.

1955 Normand Vallee returned home from the Navy and shortly thereafter decided that the business world would be his chosen field. His first entrepreneurial endeavor started with the purchase of “Veteranʼs Potato Chips” of Greene, Maine.

1963 at the recommendation of Normʼs father-in-law, Mr. Poulin, Norm and his brother Bob purchased Eddyʼs Drive-In Diner. At the time, the Diner served primarily the textile/shoe industry workers along with the general public. The brothers enjoyed a number of successful years in the business until they decided to close the diner in 1974. Through the intervening years, they leased out the building under such names as “The Captainʼs Table”, “Sir Richardʼs” and “Ye Village Innʼ but it finally closed in 1978.

1979 at the urging of Normʼs son, Don, they decided to reopen the restaurant under its current name and later became sole owner of the business now known as “The Village Inn”.

1989 having continually made the State of Maineʼs Top 10 List, The Village Inn was named the L.A. areaʼs top grossing restaurant.

1997-2007 voted L.A. areaʼs “Best Seafood Restaurant” 10 years running.

2001 February 10th, Don Vallee passed away unexpectedly.

2002 his former apartment was renovated as “Captain Donʼs Loft” a new banquet facility in honor of his memory.

2004-2007 at the local Chili & Chowder Challenge Event our seafood chowder received 1st place awards each year.

Through the years we have supported many local independent fishermen by buying our seafood fresh from the ocean daily. Ninety percent of our dishes are made from scratch with all natural ingredients and we will always use care in the preparation of all our menu items. We believe our achievements have been attained from our commitment to quality along with our commitment to our family, staff and community. We have a genuine desire to give back to the people and communities that have supported us and contributed to our success over the years.

2007, April 26th, this building sustained a fire that destroyed the storage areas and most of the kitchen. A second alarm was called in to fight a fire that kindled in a crawl space, which destroyed the “Loft”. The front areas had remained intact so we couldnʼt bring ourselves to tear this building down completely. Instead we chose to salvage this landmark building with wonderful memories by rebuilding the kitchen storage areas and gutting the front to remove any smoke damage. We encountered numerous setbacks due to the age of this structure and current code issues. What we hoped would be a six-month project turned into a 2+-year undertaking. Due to extensive and costly upgrades, we were unable to complete the Loft during the initial stages of the reconstruction.

We hope you enjoy our new look as we continue to build memories and that favorite long awaited Village dish is even better than you remember.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

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This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes take off could throw a pickup truck over a mile.

Holly’s Heating Oil Now serving Lewiston/Auburn!

LOW PRICES! Check daily prices online:

www.HollysOil.com Mention this ad and receive

5¢ per gallon discount New Lewiston/Auburn accounts only

Expires 4/30/10

Things you'll never hear a man say: 1) Here honey, you use the remote.

2) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?

That's one movie I gotta see!

3) While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4) Aww, forget Monday Night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

5) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

6) We never talk anymore.

Things you'll never hear a woman say: 1) What do you mean today's our anniversary?

2) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 3) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

Holly’s Heating Oil 380 Main Street, Westbrook & 38 Elm Street, Biddeford

1-800-554-6559 or 854-5035 RachelGendron@HollysOil.com • www.HollysOil.com Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king.

This custom has become the modern military salute.

4) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

5) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

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Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services • Transmission Flushes

• Chassis, alignment

• Fuel systems

• Shocks, struts

• Engine performance

• And more!

• Brakes, exhaust

• State Inspection

Maineʼs AAA Approved Repair Facility since 1990!

HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420 Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

Bob & Bonnie Merrill, owners

THE BULL IS BACK at a new and better location!

Call me for an appointment anytime so I can save you some money!!

CHEVROLET BUICK PONTIAC

Zack Hobbs Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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1606 Main Street Oxford Goodwinmotorgroup.com

743-8944 or 800-734-7034

At the height of its power, in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

OUR BIGGEST SALES EVENT

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

EVER. 2010’S ARE HERE!

COME SEE THE NEW CROSS BIKES

FACTORY DEMO DAYS JUNE 4TH & 5TH

Licensed Riders Wanted

596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811

By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.

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The adventures of Blake Dow

Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.

I only have eyes for you, Mumma...

Kathy & Blake I only have eyes for you, Kensi...

Kensi & Brady Barclay with Blake Children of Jayson & Nancy Barclay

I only have eyes for you, Chase...

Chase Nicole Hogan & Blake Daughter of Nick & Jen Hogan

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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-8856 Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it.

OUR BIGGEST SALES EVENT

EVER. WE ARE MAINE’S LARGEST FULL LINE DEALER

It’ll be hard to compete with all of Blake’s girlfriends, but I’ll give it my best shot...

Sophie Marston I may be the elder statesman on these two pages but I can still turn a girl’s head...

FULL LINE IN STOCK! Copper Marston "The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself -- the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us -- that's where it's at."

596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811

– Jesse Owens

Every time you lick a stamp or envelope you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

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Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

Fingerprints serve a function - they provide traction for the fingers to grasp things.

Most offers come with a hook.

This is ours.

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Stop monkeying around and go see my Gramps!

Expert Custom Framing Quality Personal Service at affordable prices! For prints, pictures, needlework, diplomas, sports memorabilia and more!

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Joseph Bernier, grandson of Dan Williams

"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."

– Anonymous

ATTENTION BUSINESS OWNERS, PROPERTY MANAGERS & LANDLORDS Affordable commercial Master Electrician for all your electrical needs Licensed & Insured “Our prices wonʼt SHOCK you”

SLC Electrical (207) 577-3615 slc2007@roadrunner.com

Uncle Andyʼs Camping Hints: In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves." – Anonymous

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS Porter

MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Nessie

Boo

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime.

If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.

OUR BIGGEST SALES EVENT

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

EVER. XTREME DEALS ON REMAINING ‘09’S 2010’S ARE HERE!

SEE DETAILS AT OUR STORE

596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811

"Where am I going?

And why am I in this HANDBASKET?" – Uncle Andy

The human body has over 600 muscles, 40% of the body's weight.

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Flavor of the Day

The left lung is smaller than the right lung to make room for the heart.

Submitted by Jimbo

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

New!! 30 Beers on Tap! Try our Microbrew Tour!

DOORS OPEN AT 5PM FOR DINNER

Irish American Eatery & Pub

Saturday Band Blitz Lineup 4/3 Drive 4/10 The Blue Khaki Band 4/17 Syndicate 19 4/24 The Grumps 5/1 The Charlie Black Band 5/8 Hairy Pie APRIL SPECIAL

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

OPEN 7 DAYS & NIGHTS A WEEK

$

1 PABSTS 1 GUINNESS

$

ALL MONTH

Opening for Lunch Soon!

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

Sunday Night Live Revue & $1 Pabst $ 1 Drinks & The Matt Fournier Project Band $ 2 Tuesdays: $2 Drinks, $2 Burgers, Karaoke Open Mic Night - $2 Specials - Live Bands Ladies Night - $1 shots, $2 Beers, $3 Drinks Live bands & DJ Society Ladies Night & Dance - Karaoke Live Entertainment, $2 Specials

Band Blitz!

Live Bands and 80's Retro Dance Party

Facebook us at OSheas Bar

30 Beers on Tap!

Great Food, Friends, Spirits & Entertainment 34 Court St. (Corner of Court & Main St.) Auburn "He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss." – Anonymous

WINNERS ALL THE WAY

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates.

Then he says, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

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Quitters Win at Healthy Androscoggin Event. Healthy Androscoggin’s Sarah Mayberry, left, and Tin Barton-Caplin, right, celebrate with Quit & Win participants who quit smoking with this year’s program at the 11th annual celebration help on March 11, 2010 in Lewiston. Participants who stayed smoke-free were eligible for cash prizes at the celebration. From left are Mayberry, Daniel Delcourt of Auburn, $500; Stacie Farrell of Auburn, $100; Linda Lajoie of Mechanic Falls, $250; Kathleen Tardif of Lewiston, $200 Maine Tobacco HelpLine Award, and Caplin.

The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.

THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm

Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm

FRIDAYS

SATURDAYS

LADIES Night DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Drink Specials Comedy Acts & More!

DJ & Live Local Entertainment

We hope to see YOU at Club Texas!

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP The Mechanical Bull APRIL 1ST-3RD

DJ B-SET

HUSH PUPPIES FRI. APRIL 2ND

BACK IN BLACK, AC/DC TRIBUTE SAT. APRIL 3RD

SPAWN OF MAN & RUIN FRI. APRIL 9TH

STOLEN MOJO SAT. APRIL 10TH

TWICE SHY

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS

ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !

… 80’S CLASSIC ROCK TRIBUTE SAT. APRIL 17TH

STRONGHOLD FRI. APRIL 23RD

BOYZ GONE WILD

Every Friday night!

… 80’S HAIRBAND TRIBUTE FRI. APRIL 24TH

S at. M ay 15t h

Call Club Texas for more info

$10 pp

Strict 9

CLUB TEXAS 150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

Buying Power

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

It can buy a house but not a home.

It can buy a bed, but not sleep.

It can buy a clock but not time.

It can buy a book but not knowledge.

It can buy a position but not respect.

It can buy medicine but not health.

This Month’s Specials FREE 16 oz. Bottle of Coke Product with Purchase of Large Roast Beef & Cheese Sub $

Large 16” 1-Topping Fresh-Dough Pizza $

It can buy blood but not life.

4.39 8.99

Roadies 3 pc. Chicken Tender Snack

It can buy sex but not love.

$

3.19

So you see, money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your friend.

And as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Stop exercising. Waste of time.

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE! Sincerely, Uncle Andy Where it came from: Called on the Carpet when one is reprimanded by a superior.

In the 19th century, carpets were very expensive, as a result usually, only the bossʼs office was carpeted. Then when employees were ʻCalled on the carpet,ʼ it meant the boss wanted to see them - which frequently meant they were in trouble.

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This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Read less. Makes you think.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Focus on the faults of others.

✁

Get your bike tuned up for the season

Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

$10 OFF

Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.

✁

With coupon Expires 4/30/10

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance

784-0103

Stop in for the best products and service in town Q: Who was the first Red Sox player to collect six hits in one game?

A: Jimmy Piersall (first game of a doubleheader on June 10, 1953)

Out & About at Rennen VW & AUDI Service in Auburn “The Tucker” & “The Jake”

“The Tucker” & “The Jake”

before reading Uncle Andy’s Digest

after reading Uncle Andy’s Digest

Take a look at our ad on page 15!

My husband thinks that health food is anything he eats before the expiration date.

– Rita Rudner

“LOOKING MEAN AND KEEPING IT GREEN” • 100-150 M.P.G. • Street Legal • Various Styles Available • 48 CCs • SALES & SERVICE

$

350 and u p

212-4960

71 Warren Ave., Lewiston • Email: donspedalpushers@yahoo.com

An English professor announced to the class, "There are two words I don't allow in my class.

One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "... so, what are the words?"

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Spread out priorities beyond his ability to keep track of them.

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Tricky Twins

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Personal goal: bring back disco.

Submitted by Jimbo

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

Quality workmanship & unparalleled customer service “Getting you done the old fashioned way”

We do Dualies, Denali’s & Motorcycles, too!

Complete interior & exterior reconditioning by appointment 865 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

333-3004

liquidsunshinecarwash.com

Winning Big

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Uncle Andy goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not?

Let's do it!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

Uncle Andy replies, "No, I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again Uncle Andy says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

Uncle Andy hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, (continued on next page)

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This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Wacky Insurance Claims: "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

A salt water tank with marine fish is colorful, exciting and will last for years to come!

Marine Fish • Coral •

(continued from previous page)

the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Wet Behind The Ears Submitted by Jimbo

Supplies • 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Driverʼs Ed Submitted by Travis Dow

As an instructor in driver education I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to

drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.

Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said... "Rain."

New Orleans' first Mardi Gras celebration was held in February, 1826.

Wacky Insurance Claims: "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

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Wacky Insurance Claims: "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

Research Team Submitted by Jimbo

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

Administrative Professionals Week is April 18-24

Let us help you show your appreciation Call today FREE delivery

Sweet Pea Designs Flower Shoppe 940 Lisbon St., Lewiston

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a selfrotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

in Lewiston/Auburn

777-1520

The "y" in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pronounced with a "th" sound, not "y". The "th" sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England used the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".

Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm • Sat 9 am - 3 pm

www.gregoryshairstyles.com

786-0112

For professional & skilled stylists in Any season…

Call the Staff at Gregory’s Hair & Nails

600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn

In simple English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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783-7039

Amy

Cory

Kathy

Kelly

Linda

Michael

Nuria

Pat

Terry

Tina

Wacky Insurance Claims: "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

Mind Your Manners

Wacky Insurance Claims: "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

Remember Our warm us from Bagel and friendly and Things? Well, we’re right here at service is our #1 priority.

Fran’s waiting for you.

Linda Tucker (l) (r) Debbie Lambert

The Best Crepes in L/A Breakfast All Day Lunch Specials

Always Great Homecooked Food at Reasonable Prices

Stop by and say hello. We’d love to see you again!

Enjoy our weekly specials!

1485 Lisbon Street • Lewiston (next to Tire Warehouse) • 786-0667

A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands.

She stopped him and said, "Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"

With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."

The only bone in the human body not connected to another is the hyoid, a V-shaped bone located at the base of the tongue between the mandible and the voice box. Its function is to support the tongue and its muscles.

Student of the Month

TUXEDOS!

Now accepting students Learn to play THE RIGHT WAY

Prom • Weddings • Black Tie Events Don’t forget school projects, plays, and theme party costumes available

Drapeau’s

Mention this ad and your first drum lesson is FREE* *with your first month of lessons

Luke Davidson & Dick Demers

DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING

See our $ saving coupon on Theatrical makeup, wigs, unique retail costumes & accessories page 51.

25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861 • demersdrumschool@hotmail.com

Costumes of Maine 20 Main St. Lisbon Falls • 353-2216 costumesofmaine.com

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

Authorized Fender Service Center 376-3376 8 teachers offering lessons in: Picks • Strings Tuners Metronomes

Guitar, piano, bass, voice, banjo, mandolin, violin, brass & woodwinds & music theory

We carry quality new & used instruments

Mike Atkinson

Mike teaches sax & flute and is fluent in all styles including improvisation of jazz & blues

And call us for service on any instrument that needs repair.

Electric guitar & amp packages and Violin/case & bow packages available for rental to our new and current students. Ask about music accessories and gift certificates for your music lover!

134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com Wyoming was the first state to allow women to vote.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 39

If Biblical headlines were written by today's media

Wacky Insurance Claims: "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

4 out of 4 kids LOVE Luiggi’s!

April Special Bucket of Spaghetti with 4 meatballs & loaf of bread

$

9.99

Add container of salad for $3

On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

Why yes Jason, I have been looking for you...

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.

STILL LOOKING FOR ME?

"First the bad news.

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A.

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

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• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

JASON HALL

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

Wacky Insurance Claims: "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest, Type A-H, has been found in less than a dozen people since the type was discovered.

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

Wacky Insurance Claims: "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Welcome to the Neighborhood & the Pontbriand Hardware Building

2 Brothers Discount

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn, ME (207) 753-0171 (for take-out)

From your new neighbors at Rolly’s!

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

The permanent teeth that erupt to replace their primary predecessors (baby teeth) are called succedaneous teeth.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 41

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being.

Assisted Home Care April Employee of the Month

Carol Fontnette

We would like to take this time to recognize our employee of the month.

Carol Fontnette has been with Assisted Home Care now since August 1, 2008. She works mainly with private duty cases and always gives 100%. She has been known to have that special touch that sits in the hearts of our residents. She is always willing to go the extra mile for co-workers and residents alike, and we are proud to have her as part of our family.

Carol started out as a Personal Care Attendant and then realized her gift and love for this profession and furthered her education to become a Personal Support Specialist. So if you would like to join Carol in a fulfilling job, come on down to Assisted Home Care and join our family.

Home Care Means...

More privacy - you get personal care in your own home.

Convenience - continuity of care.

Comfort - being in your own home.

Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home.

Nursing care by qualified caregivers.

Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston, ME

783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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JULY 2009 783-7039

An average human scalp has 100,000 hairs.

Emily ne Christi

Spring is here!

Come in for your highlights, manicures, pedicures, facials & waxing

th Elizabe

Cindy

Lynn

Daniel

Kathy

Our Services • • • • • • • • • • • •

Facials Manicures Pedicures Massage Artificial Nails Cuts & Styles Colors & Highlights Waxing Reflexology Arbonne Make-up Eyelash Tinting Extensions

Kasey

Massage Therapist 782-9009 Michel le

Wanted - Call FMI

20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos)

Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

Out & About at Trinity Catholic School’s Father/Daughter Dance

Wacky Insurance Claims: "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

Oscar Night Live from the Red Carpet

Open a convenient NO-FEE Checking Account with two of these great services: • Visa Check Card • Bill Payer • Home Banking

• CUe-Statements • LA Connection

And we’ll enter you into a drawing to win $500 in cash*!

To open your account stop by today!!

Member eligibility required. *To be eligible for the drawing, a checking account must be opened combined with a minimum of 2 additional services including Visa Check Card, Home Banking, CUe-Statements, Bill Payer or LA Connection. Checking account must be opened between 4/1/10 and 6/30/10. Drawing will be held July 6, 2010. Many will enter, only 1 will win $500 in cash. Only one entry per member, even if more than one checking account is opened. Some restrictions may apply. Subject to change without notice.

Buying a Home?

Make Smart Decisions

FREE Dinner and Seminar Tuesday, April 27 at 6:00pm Community Credit Union, 144 Pine Street, Lewiston

Hear from a panel of Experts: Erik Bergeron, Loan Officer, CUSO Mortgage Rita Conner, Realtor, Coldwell Banker Millett Realty

Get Your Questions Answered: How much home can you really afford? What are your mortgage options? What can a realtor help you accomplish? What’s the importance of getting a home inspection? What are the tax incentives?

Is e c a Sp ted Limi LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Register for this FREE seminar by calling Kim Polley at Community Credit Union at 783.2096 ext 209

*Subject to change without notice.

Wacky Insurance Claims: "I was thrown from the car as it left the road.

I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Did You Know: A pineapple is actually a very big berry.

Out & About in Aruba WITH the Gonya’s – Part duex

We’ve Moved... But Not Far!

Still at 120 Center Street Plaza in Auburn Now next to VIP Eyes & Tin Tin Buffet

Shipping made easy!

120 Center Street • Auburn

784-9900

Maybe we should cruise over to Uncle Andy's to see if they are hiring proofreaders?

Nah, I'd rather stay here in Aruba!

www.auburngoinpostal.com

Peyton & Paige Gonya

The Gonya Girls, P.I.

We're on the case, we're gonna find out who messed up & typed "out and about in Aruba in the Gonya's" last month... we won't stop until justice prevails...

SIMPLICITY g FLEXIBILITY

g

EASE

Travis, we forgive you this time, but if you mess up again, we'll leave the Digest home on our next vacation, and you know how much the Digest loves going on vacation.

Your local option for outsourcing your payroll...

Check us out for all your payroll needs!

PAYROLL

Going on vacation? Take me with you... I love to travel.

MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com Did You Know: The Great Salt Lake is six times saltier than seawater.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 45

Looking for me?

Did You Know: Were Bill Gates of Microsoft to invest his entire $56 billion at 5% (after taxes), it could spend $8,872,716 per day, and it would take him 40 years to exhaust his fortune.

Chris Dufour I'm now at Orbit Hair Styling, 124 Ash St. in Lewiston.

Call me today at 782-9046 to book your appointment.

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

April!

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

Thanks for picking us up!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039

Did You Know: President Lyndon Johnson had an aunt named Frank.

The sale of hearing aids rose 40% when President Reagan got his.

Creative Financing Submitted by Jimbo

COMMUNITY RECYCLE DAY Saturday, April 17th • 9:00am – 1:00pm Stratham Tire rear parking lot, next to our 40 Stanley Street, Auburn location (Just off Center St., behind Stratham Tire)

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

DROP OFF THE FOLLOWING ITEMS TO BE RECYCLED: • • • • • • •

Televisions CPUs Monitors Printers Laptops Digital Cameras Game Systems

• • • • • • •

Microwaves Tires Cell Phones Eye Glasses Printer Cartridges Documents to be Shredded Batteries

• • • • • • •

Mixed Paper Glass Tin Cans #2 Plastics Newspapers Magazines Cardboard

For a complete list of items, log onto www.communitycreditunion.com *We reserve the right to refuse any items for recycling. Subject to change without notice.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said.

"But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips: A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

The city of Edinburgh, Scotland is built on top of an extinct volcano.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 47

That ad on page 50 is something else!!

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

JF Houle Head coach of the Lewiston MAINEiacs

Check out the good looking girls on page 50!!

SMARTSTRAND® WITH DUPONT™ SORONOA® Starting at

12

HARDWOOD

CARPET

Starting at

Starting at

$ 99 Tom Boudoin

2

– Lee Iacocca Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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APRIL 2010

783-7039

.83

Sq. Ft.

Installation Available

Trainer of the Lewiston MAINEiacs

"Apply yourself.

Get all the education you can, but then... do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen."

$

Sq. Ft.

$ 99

1

Sq. Ft.

LAMINATE Starting at

$ 10

1

Sq. Ft.

Installation Available

Sale ends May 3

1887 Hotel Road, Auburn • 784-1511 or 1-800-93-AKERS

www.pinelandcarpets.com Mon. - Sat. 8 to 5; Thurs. ‘til 7

Jaw muscles can provide about 200 pounds of force to bring the back teeth together for chewing.

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

Uncle Andy just randomly approached these 2 one day in Old Orchard Beach about 13 years ago

These ladies didn’t know what was coming...

I can’t take my eyes off page 50...

Rafa Nadal

Ralph

the tennis Pro was quick to smile for Uncle Andy knowing it would get published in such a widely read publication.

We like to poke fun at Uncle Andy here at the office. And he’ll even tell you that he’s a legend in his own mind, but one thing is for sure, he was a marketing genius in the early days & maybe even still today.

I always read this thing cover to cover. But there was just something about page 50.

Back in 1956 recording artist Johnny Mathis was forced to make the decision between trying out for the United States Olympic team (his specialty was track) or recording his first album for Columbia Records. He chose the latter and went on to become the eighth biggest selling album artist of all time. His 1958 album, Johnnyʼs Greatest Hits, was the first Greatest Hits album ever marketed, spending three weeks at #1 and 490 consecutive weeks on Billboardʼs Pop Album chart (thatʼs almost 9 ½ years!).

$ $

White Whirlpool® ENERGY STAR® Qualified Duet® 4.0 cu. ft. Front Load Washer

699 STANT

100 IN REBATE

NOW $

MAIL-IN REBATE

-

399

after mail-in rebates

Model: WFW9150WW • ENERGY STAR® Qualified • TumbleFresh™ Option • 1,200 RPM Maximum Spin Speed • Smooth Spin Technology

100 -$50

-$

(4/11-4/30 pair)

Efficiency Maine Rebate

Mike Laliberte Lewiston firefighter

Kitchen Tips Martha Stewartʼs way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

67 Centre Street • Bath, ME Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963

Uncle Andyʼs way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 49

Fournier Honored for sales achievement

Lions and Tigers can't purr. Cougars can.

Jean Fournier, a representative of Modern Woodmen of America, has been named to Modern Woodmen’s 2009 President’s Cabinet. This distinction recognizes Fournier’s high achievement in life insurance sales and ranking among the organization’s top representatives nationwide.

Founded in 1883, Modern Woodmen of America touches lives and secures futures. The fraternal benefit society offers financial services and fraternal member benefits to individuals and families throughout the United States.

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

We are friendly and we are kind.

That’s the only people here you’ll find!

Front row (l to r) Donna Collet, Betty Chadwick, Donna Noel, Carmen Kelly.

Back row (l to r) Janice Blais, Bridget Cailler, Amy Laroche, Becky Smith-Papsis

Don’t Forget!

Chamilla Bead Party here at The Hairem Sunday, April 25th at 6pm with Day’s Jewelry Everyone is invited!

"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."

"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039

111 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 782-4104 The handle of a bucket is actually called a 'bail.'

%

SAVE 10

on your next VW or AUDI service

878-9088

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page

100 OFF

Electrical Systems Of Maine 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

%

20 OFF

Any tuxedo rental

Drapeau’s

Costumes of Maine

19 Industrial Way, Oxford • 539-9022

20 Main St. Lisbon Falls • 353-2216 costumesofmaine.com

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

5 OFF

!

YUMMY

in April

Limit one per transaction - Expires 5/31/10

10 OFF

$

See page 10 for more information

$

$

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

Buy more Save more!

UP TO

Whole Home Generator Package

$

SAVE 1

1 Large Bean Special

Any service with Beth

1 quart of beans, 1 pint of cole slaw, 1 bread

$6 (Regular price = $7) Andy’s Baked Beans & Tavern

1 OFF

$

Biscuit, Gravy, Home Fries & Eggs Reg. price = $6.95

Fran’s Restaurant 1485 Lisbon St., Lewiston

786-0667

47 Broad St., Auburn • 782-9044

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

$10 OFF Bike Tune-up Ski & Bike Service 9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me. Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

784-0103

Bottle Redemption Advertise your special discount here!

Call us today at 783-7039.

Earn 10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon

Mechanic Falls Redemption 128 Lewiston Street, McFalls • 345-3765 Open 7 Days 9am - 5pm

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

Limit one per transaction - Expires 4/30/10

in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202

Look who’s 50*

The little statue on the grill of every Rolls Royce car has a name: "Spirit of Ecstasy."

BREAKFAST SPECIALS

Out ’n About for Laurie Turton’s birthday

“All breakfast specials include coffee.”

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am You asked… we listened! A new brand of coffee!

Fresh steak cut and ground daily.

Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Laurie Turton, Terry Smith & Dierdre Hines

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast.............$3.55 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.....................$3.55 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.55

5 Washington St., Auburn

THURSDAY: French Toast .....$3.55

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.55

Phone Orders Are Welcome

SUNDAY: French Crepes .......$3.55

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette..$3.55

✁

Expires 4/30/10

$

1 OFF Any Purchase of $500 or more 1 coupon per order

Prices do not include tax.

The first vertebra of your neck is called the 'Atlas,' because it holds up your head.

Trish Clary

Lori Lyons

MLB Package in HD Red Sox Opening Day We’ve got all the games!

Sunday, April 4th 8pm vs. Yankees 71” Plasma 13 Plasma TVs in all

Come early to get your seat!

*Keep reading to find out what the asterisk means...

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

The slang term 'hootch' came from the Hootchinoo Indians, who made liquor so strong that it knocked out many of the first white settlers who tried it.

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Lead melts at a temperature of 620º F; tin at 446º F. Mix them together & they melt at 356º F.

All My Children Submitted by Jimbo

My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered.

Back in L-A… Formerly of Hairbuilders of Portland

I look forward to serving all of my past clients, and also helping anyone in need of hair replacement!

While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights.

Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.

Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children."

“So far on my 30-day diet, Iʼve lost 18 days.”

– Terry McEntire

Wagemann Honored for sales achievement

Dan

Deb Wagemann,

Over 6 years of hair replacement & extension experience

AFTER BEFORE

Call Dan today for an appointment or consultation

or go online at

www.OrbitHair.com

782-9046 ORBIT HAIR STYLING 124 Ash St. Lewiston

guitars as low as $75 Guitars & Amp Pkg. starting at $149 Accessories Galore!

Instruction DVDs New & Used Items Available

Stop by today!

Randy Donovan

10 Switzerland Rd. • Lewiston (Across from L-A Harley) • 576-5412 • grittys@adelphia.net Hours: Mon.-Thu. Noon-8pm • Sat. 10-5 • Call for Sunday Hours During his lifetime, Shakespeare's last name was spelled 83 different ways.

Shakespeare himself spelled it 10 different ways.

a representative of Modern Woodmen of America, has been named to Modern Woodmenʼs 2009 Presidentʼs Cabinet. This distinction recognizes Wagemannʼs high achievement in life insurance sales and ranking among the organizationʼs top representatives nationwide.

Founded in 1883, Modern Woodmen of America touches lives and secures futures. The fraternal benefit society offers financial services and fraternal member benefits to individuals and families throughout the United States.

"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are an only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 53

Time Warp Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby.

I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth.

I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."

Number of documented deaths by piranha: 0

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

2 for 1 Must present this coupon to receive one free green fee for each paid green fee.

Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Mon. thru Thurs. all day, Fri. thru Sun. after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.

Monday Night Scrambles Every Monday starting April 5th Make your own team or sign up as a single Call the club for more information

Senior League Every Tuesday morning starting in April

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

Call the club for more information

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. – Ben Franklin

Happy Spring!

We are a full service salon!

• Licensed Aesthetician • Licensed Massage Therapist • Full range of skin care including Glycolic Peels • All waxing services including Brazilian Wax

Val

• Tinting - eyelashes & brows

Call and schedule your appointment

786-4311 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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APRIL 2010

783-7039

Lysa is back!

Tues.-Thurs. & Fridays, 8am-1:30pm

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

Mississippi Bay is actually off the coast of Yokohama, Japan

Longest name in the Bible: Mahershalalhashbaz (Isaiah 8:1).

DNA & PATERNITY TESTING Lowest Prices Around!

Even lower than online products.

Look who’s 50* Out ’n About for Laurie Turton’s birthday

Fast Accurate Results!!

In-home testing available Pick your test type!

• INFORMATIONAL/PERSONAL TESTS $225* • COURT ADMISSABLE TESTS $425*

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

Cheryl Spiller & Laurie Turton

577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com *additional onsite fee for test performed outside of Lewiston/Auburn

Expiration Date

can't take away my birthday."

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.

As July 2 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

Think Spring

Chris Plourde & Dave Wilbur

Surprise someone with beautiful spring flowers today!

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 • www.annsflower.com

The rare red coral of the Mediterranean is actually blue.

Dawn Ward & Carol St. Pierre *Almost there to find out what the asterisk means...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 55

Look who’s 50*

The Atlantic salmon is actually a member of the trout family.

Out ’n About for Laurie Turton’s birthday

Your Source for: Wayne & AJ Alexander Estoy tan emocionada! Es mi cumpleaños!**

**English translation: I'm so excited!

It's my birthday!

• Excavation • Foundations & Form Work • Boom Truck Work • Water & Sewer Lines • Gravel, Sand, Fill, Stone, Hot Top & Clay • Diesel Mechanics

Longchamps & Sons Inc. 15 Lisbon Street, Lisbon

Ph: 353-2349 • Fax: 353-5814 email: info@longchampsandsonsinc.com Cindy Kay & the birthday girl *Not much further to find out what the asterisk means...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Check us out online at:

longchampsandsonsinc.com The Caspian Sea and the Dead Sea are both actually lakes.

The Douglas fir is actually a pine tree.

Look who’s 50* Out ’n About for Laurie Turton’s birthday Laurie, you know we love you...

Sue Marston, Laurie Turton & Jimbo We can’t stand the suspense any longer, Jimbo. Tell us what the * means!

Dave Wilbur

Dawn Ward The horseshoe crab is more closely related to spiders than crabs.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

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Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips: A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.

A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

Look who’s 50* Out ’n About for Laurie Turton’s birthday

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Tuesday & Thursday Specials!

9pm-Midnight Well Drinks

$ 00

4

Don’t forget! Jello Shots Always $1 Any Domestic

$ 00

2

69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287 Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am

This is it...

The meaning of the asterisk.

EARN 10% MORE Jimbo, you wait! I’m gonna kick your... *Laurie is not actually 50 but it sure was fun getting a rise out of her. We love you, Laurie!

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...

I think I just heard a discouraging word."

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in April

Open 7 Days 9am - 5pm

with any amount of bottles with this coupon

Mechanic Falls Redemption 128 Lewiston Street • McFalls • 345-3765

Richard Conway

Baseball is America’s favorite pastime. 95% of all Americans buy cars.

What are you waiting for? Come see me today!

Don Hamel

699-707 Center St., Auburn • 1-800-339-7693 or 784-2321

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

1. Blaming your gas on me.... Not Funny

Sunday Morning Brunch Full menu available along with A la Carte breakfast selections.

10am to 2pm

Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you goober.

3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out.

Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

782-2088 150 Mill Street Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com Avenge yourself – live long enough to be a problem to your children.

#

Spend $50 or more

4. Any trick balancing food on my nose....

Stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

Please mention Uncle Andy’s Digest

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7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

9. Dog Sweaters

wiper & paper

No m Minimu Order

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere – and hide the keys to the car.

10. The slight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for you on the top of the food chain.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Remarks

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

#10) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" #9) Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." #8) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." #7) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually." #6) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." #5) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." #4) Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." #3) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play (continued on next page)

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The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

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(continued from previous page)

on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." #2) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." and the #1 best caddy comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Final Passing Submitted by Jimbo

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"

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Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

THE CONTESTANTS had their game faces on.

Prescription Sunglasses!!

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There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Live Entertainment Sat. April 3

Okbari Belly Dancers

Sat. April 10 Brian Patrick Sat. April 17 Old Man Forest Band Thu. April 22 3 Point Jazz Trio Sat. April 24 Chad Porter

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs 84 Court St, Auburn

333-3041

Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00 Sat. 11:00-10:00

www.hollysown.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Breakfast, lunch & dinner.

All right here!

Holly Mireault, Owner

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

NO COVER - LIVE BANDS Friday, April 16th

Saturday, April 17th

Veggies

By Day

Be prepared for a GREAT NIGHT! nds 3 ba ss it! i ’t m Don

Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

THE CONTESTANTS had their game faces on.

Zeolot

Blood Red Thrust 97 Ash St., Lewiston 783-0668

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Kesera Opening for the season April 15th

On beautiful Lake Auburn

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Hair © Nails © Massage www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com 1117 Center Street, Auburn • 782-3848

Hair Studio

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

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DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ABOUT WHAT YOUR CATERER IS OFFERING?

Try Dad’s Place!

You’ll get more bang for your buck.

Affordable, quality catering: From Weddings to Summer Cookouts to Company Parties & More!

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There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!

We Buy, Sell & Trade

for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

THE CONTESTANTS had their game faces on.

As the only female in the contest I will do my best to represent all the women out there

Buying small & large firearm collections Check us out!

Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

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You have 3 minutes to eat as many hot wings as possible.

On your mark, get set, GO!

Call 713-7000

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Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

Scott The same night Irish Twins Pub had their preliminary hot wing eating contest. Their top 3 competed against Thatcher’s top 3 (on 3/31 after we went to print). The finals were held in the middle of the Auburn Mall.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

And I know everyone will be very thirsty after eating all those hot wings...

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

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in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202 • www.davanti-salon.com Hours: Tues - Fri. 10-6 • Saturday 10-4 (closed Sun. & Mon.) • Appointments Appreciated • Walk-Ins Welcome

Kitchen Tips Martha Stewartʼs way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

Sara, The Bartender & Scott Cote

Uncle Andyʼs way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Kitchen Tips

Scott & Fern

The Judges

Martha Stewartʼs way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, the first American poet to earn a living writing verse, was born in Portland, Maine, in 1807. An educator and poet, whose works include Paul Revere's Ride, The Song of Hiawatha, and Evangeline, he was also the first American to translate Dante Alighieri's The Divine Comedy.

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Uncle Andyʼs way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

“Celebrate what youʼve accomplished, but raise the bar a little higher each time you succeed.”

Winning doesn't always mean being first. – Bonnie Blair

– Mia Hamm

"To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." – Elbert Hubbard

www.colefarms.com A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!

Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

And then they had hot sauce all over their face.

Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray, Maine

JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

Hours: Monday-Thursday 6 am – 9 pm; Friday 6 am – 9:30 pm Saturday 6 am – 9:30 pm; Sunday 6 am – 9 pm

MORE THAN 60 DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM!

I Love my Customers!

Over the past 10 years I have developed a lot of wonderful relationships and look forward to making many more.

Stop by for excellent food and service.

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich Served from 10:30-3:30

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . .$8.95 w/Potatoes, Peas, Squash, Stuffing, Gravy & Rolls

Tuesday Yankee Pot Roast . . . . . . . .$7.95 w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls

Wednesday Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . .$6.75 w/Potato & Rolls

Thursday New England Boiled Dinner $8.95

Courtney Colby

w/Corned beef, Potato, Cabbage, Carrots, Turnip, Beets & Roll

Friday - Lasagna . . . . . . . . . .$8.75

BREAKFAST BUFFET SATURDAY & SUNDAY

w/Salad & Rolls

Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . .$8.75 w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday & Saturday -

Served from 7am-10:30am Adults . . . . . .$6.50 6 & under . . .$3.50

After 4:00 PM

Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock

Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and of true progress. – Nicholas Murray Butler

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

And then they had hot sauce all over their face.

You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be. – Dr. Wayne Dyer

MELANSON CONSTRUCTION, INC. 84 No Name Pond Road, Lewiston, ME • 784-5899

PAVING

• Residential and Commercial Paving • Sweeping • Seal Coating

Call for FRimEatEes Est

784-5899 When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. – Tao saying

2 TIME

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"If you aren't fired up with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm."

– Vince Lombardi

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. – Roy L. Smith

Come Celebrate Spring! at

for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

And then they had hot sauce all over their face.

April 14th 6-8pm

Sam’s Summer Promo

Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall

Fridays

Fresh Haddock h Fish-N-Chips wit Coleslaw

16 oz. $3 25 oz. $4

$7.99

Lobster Rolls & Steamers

782-2135

Prizes & Giveaways

Hours: Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9 pm Sun. 11am - 5 pm

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. – Rita Rudner

DAILY SPECIALS • Mondays: Ham or Turkey Italians with lettuce & tomato ................................$3.99 • Tuesdays: Fried BBQ Chicken wrap ........$3.99 (add Fries for $1 more) • Wednesdays: Pizza Day! Small Cheese or Pepperoni ........................$3.99 • Thursdays: Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla....$3.99 • Fridays: Fresh Haddock Fish-n-Chips.......$7.99

Every Friday in April Fish & Chips . . . . . . .$7.99 w/ cole slaw

Lobster Roll . . . . . . .$9.99 w/ fries & cole slaw

Tuna Wrap . . . . . . . . .$4.99

LIVE MUSIC

Fri. April 2 . . . . . . .4 Play Sat. April 10 . . . . .Veggies by Day Sat. April 24 . . . . .Forefront

Wednesday All Day $1.50 Bud Select pint Well Seabreeze $4.00

Thursday All Day $5.00 Long Island Ice Tea P.B.R $1.50/pint

MONDAYS & TUESDAYS Chicken Tenders & Wings 50¢ each $2.00 Domestic bottled beer

30 Lowell Street, Lewiston

312-5100 "It's not enough to be busy... the question is: what are we busy about?"

– Henry David Thoreau

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

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Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

And then they had hot sauce all over their face.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. – Uncle Andy

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

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Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

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Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else.

– Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

"Even if the hopes you started out with are dashed, hope has to be maintained."

– Seamus Heaney

April Special

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includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or chips & a pickle

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Enjoy a beer or wine on our outdoor patio...

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Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

And then they had hot sauce all over their face.

Free Wi-Fi Breakfast served all day!

HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm Sun. 10am-8pm

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Call us for your Prom & Wedding Hairstyles!

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777-1611 Call today for your appointment • Walk-ins welcome

L to R: Candice Lamontagne, Mel Cote, Darcy Ames & Hannah Greene

EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!

The Perfect Place to Dine any time of the day!

Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm

Backfired My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores.

One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

What we must decide is how we are valuable rather than how valuable we are.

– Edgar Z. Friedenberg

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper.

The note read, "Neither does Bob Vila."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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The Gift That Keeps On Giving Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette is plotting his revenge if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Illinois.

Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel

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(continued on next page)

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Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

GRANITE Starting at $39 sq. ft.

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SHOWROOM 995 Center Street, Auburn Phone: 786-5556 • Fax: 786-5557 www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: There are two kinds of bounces... unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.

Use your income tax... to relax Huge selection of hot tubs

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Early buy specials on fiberglass & vinyl inground pools. Also save big on above ground pools.

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527 Rt. 202 in Greene 1/4 mile north of the IGA on your right www.futurepoolandspas.com

Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-footsquare crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225 pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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(continued from previous page)

Collette found a 600pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut.

The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it.

A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said.

Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

RESTAURANT

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Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: Hazards attract; fairways repel.

"I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

The Television Hall of Fame was established on March 4, 1984. The first people were inducted into the TV Hall of Fame: Lucille Ball, Milton Berle, Paddy Chayefsky, Norman Lear, Edward R. Morrow, William S. Paley, and David Sarnoff.

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Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Out & About at the Kora Temple’s semi-formal ball fundraiser

Uncle Andyʼs Golf Tips: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

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Out & About at the Kora Temple’s semi-formal ball fundraiser Don’t look now, but somebody let that Uncle Andy guy in here...

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

Professional Home Inspections, Inc.

RP R

Complete Home Inspections Water Testing • Water Radon Air Radon • Lead Paint Testing • Mold Testing Infrared Thermal Imaging

Certified Inspector 72 Old Lisbon Rd. • Lewiston, ME 04240

Tel. 207-782-9663 • Fax 1-207-514-8058 www.RPRPROHOMEINSPECTIONS.COM Email: Roger@RPRprohomeinspections.com

Somebody must have bought him a ticket... he’s too cheap to buy one himself!

MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERS SHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS We also carry: All other types of firearms Knives • Ammo by the case We Buy - Sell - Trade Finders fee for collections

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at

Rt. 4 • Turner, ME

225-3432

Just past Twitchell’s Airport

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

g3firearms@megalink.net

SPRING SPECIALS Roofing Special

Deck Specials

24ʼ x 40ʼ Ranch Roof $3,995.

10’ x 12’ Pressure Treated Deck $1,495.

Strip up to 2 layers. Install 6' Ice & Water Shield, 15 lb felt paper, 30 year Architectural Shingles & Site clean up. Up to 1300 sq. ft.

Marquis Building & Remodeling 782-4102 or 329-3383 email: marquisbuilding@aol.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Includes framing, decking and handrails. (stairs and lattice skirting are extra - up to 3’ off ground) Want maintenance free? Go with composite decking, handrail and trim materials for $3,995. You will never paint this one!

Fully Insured. Great References.

The highest quality standards in the business

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Ronnie would not finish his work last night.

He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

Lost Wager An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy.

After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in.

We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.

"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Jimbo said to Travis, a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Uncle Andy anymore."

"Why not?", asked Travis.

"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!," replied Jimbo.

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

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Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall

In the past, people have used many different things as money. Among them: salt, cocoa beans, grain, cows, sharkʼs teeth, and precious stones.

for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

THE FANS!

1822 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston

1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

784-3100

897-3400

Bruce Landry

Jerimiah Morrissette

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com

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The writing on many coins is often a type of code to save space.

As a check is only an instruction to a bank, it can be written on anything. In the past people have written checks on such things as stone slabs, bananas and cows.

ONE DAY ONLY: 4-20

Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

THE FANS!

Sale on Tobacco Smoking Products & Accessories

ari P S see store for details

Over 30 Years in business!

ADULT BOOKSTORE

297 Lisbon Street Lewiston Open 9-8 Mon. - Sat. • Sundays 12-5

Let Power’s Painting insulate your bottom line.

(207) 783-6677 (800) 581-6901

www.parisadultbookstore.com The highest recorded personal tax demand was for $336 million on the estate of Howard Hughes.

For your personal or commercial needs contact

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY LEWISTON

BRUNSWICK

541 Lisbon Street Lewiston, ME 04240 784-4029 • Fax: 784-2360

92 Pleasant St., P.O. Box 679 Brunswick, ME 04011 725-2797 • Fax: 725-6001

Before the late 18th century, diamonds were so rare and scarce, that only the very rich could afford to give them as engagement rings.

Just call me the Wing Man!

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Kitchen Tips Martha Stewartʼs way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two AlkaSeltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos. Fill the thermos with water, drop in four AlkaSeltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour.

L/A’s Most Unique Spa Experience “For the best You inside and out” • Oxygen Facials • Jane Iredale, the skin care make-up ® : The industry’s top-rated mineral make-up that’s good for your skin • Personalized facials & peels: Customized to your skin type & needs • SpaRitual Hand & Foot Treatments: Customized organic & hydrating blend of herbs that rejuvenate skin • Body Treatments & Massage: Massages & body treatments tailored to your individual needs • Wellness Consultation: Self-care strategies to enhance quality of life... and more!

Healthy Beauty Wellness Spa 643 Main Street, Lewiston • 333-3235 Check out our website for monthly specials www.healthybeautywellnessspa.com Diane Letourneau, owner

Out & About at the Quit & Win event Quitters Become Winners through Healthy Androscoggin’s Quit & Win Program

Uncle Andyʼs way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some AlkaSeltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Three tomatoes were walking down the street, a papa tomato, a momma tomato and a baby tomato. The baby tomato starts lagging behind and the papa tomato gets mad and walks back to the baby tomato and squishes him and yells "ketchup".

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ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS We’re budget friendly and offer free estimates!

Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products

Be Clean & Be GREEN!

www.KandLGreenClean.com

K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC 577-8725 "Helping the environment one job at a time"

OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

Out & About at the Kora Temple’s semi-formal ball fundraiser

Your kids will always have “Something to do” on those hot summer days. And because your ABC Pool is virtually maintenance free youʼll enjoy it even more.

We offer a full line of above ground pools with a price thatʼs right for any budget.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

– Tommy Cooper

Out & About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall I was gonna take part in the wingy thingy but I got too wrapped up talking to Jimbo about ‘67 Vettes and investment properties...

We both had a blast!

for the 1st annual Hot Wing Eating Contest.

THE 3 FINALISTS

That’s right...

We’re the champs!

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE Unfortunately some of these animals have been put down, but with your support, you can save some of them now!

THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT! D TE U EC EX

E BL A L AI AV

BROTHERS CONSTRUCTION Voted “Best of the Best” 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 & 2009 Greater L/A

Carson

Replace your Roof Today!

WHAT’S INCLUDED IN ALL OF OUR QUOTES!

Myrna

• Remove and haul away all roofing debris!

• Apply 6 feet of Certainteed ice shield.

• Apply 15lb. felt paper on entire roof area.

• Install a 30 yr. Certainteed architectural shingle on entire roof!

• Installation of ridge vent on entire ridge.

D SE A CE DE

Buddy D TE P O AD

We have Workers Compensation

DO THEY?

783-7299

E BL A L AI AV

Fluffy E BL A L AI AV

Senior Citizen Discount

Email: roofnfools@yahoo.com web site: www.LessardRoofing.com

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Gouda

Order your new roof today and receive

D TE P O AD

FREE LEAD FLASHING for around the chimney

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E BL A L AI AV

Libby-Lou

Jimmy

(one chimney only)

Only YOU can save these animals!

CALL NOW!

783-2311

Androscoggin Humane Society • www.gahumane.org

783-2311

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LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Thinking of new windows and doors?

Then you just made $1500!

A government tax rebate is still available!

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

CALL TODAY for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

Fully Insured • Many References Available

Mackenzie and Alivia at a recent cheering competition They cheer for AYC (Auburn Youth Cheering)

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Where it came from:

Sabattus Home For Sale

The term "honeymoon" is derived from the Babylonians who declared mead, a honeyflavored wine, the official wedding drink, stipulating that the bride's parents be required to keep the groom supplied with

3 bedroom, 2.5 bath Log home with indoor pool with ion pool system (no chlorine - odorless). Master bedroom with bath, cathedral ceiling, walk out basement. 2,600 sq. ft. on 1.5 acres. Must see! $229,900

Call Bert Cote to set up a showing!

754-5600

the drink for the month following the wedding.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

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Measuring Up

Iʼm not going to vacuum ʻtil Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne Barr

Submitted by Jimbo

The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic (continued on next page)

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Where it came from: The phrase "Often a bridesmaid but never a bride" actually comes from an advertisement for Listerine mouthwash. The text was written

by Milton Feasley and first appeared in 1925. The advertisement was so successful that it ran for more than ten years.

Available at:

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1-800-287-3246 or 786-3246

“The most important part of being a salesman is confidence.

Confidence is like going after Moby Dick with a rowboat, a harpoon and a jar of tartar sauce.”

– Robert Orben

Est. 1945

1331 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • lppoirier@myfairpoint.net

782-3617 Specializing in: House Lots • Excavation Paving • Demolition • 4 Season Yard Maintenance Emergency water/sewer Repairs & More!

April Special: Free delivery on 1-3 yards of loam within a 10 mile radius OR 10lbs. of premium grass seed free with the purchase of 18 yards of screened loam. Call for more details!

(Material deliveries including Gravel, Stone, Loam, Sand and Mulch).

Commercial • Residential • Industrial Call 782-3617 for a Free Estimate THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Use your tax refund wisely…

There is no better investment than a new kitchen or bath

Large Selection of In-Stock • Hardwood • Carpet Rems • Laminates • Vinyl Rems • Ceramic Tile

Todd is ready and eager to help you design your new kitchen!

The latest styles of cabinet hardware makes cabinetry look updated and new. Brass, Antique Brass, Burnished Metals, Ceramic and much more.

of in-stock laminate flooring starting at $1.25 sq. ft.

principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

Now Available

22 Colors

(continued from previous page)

25,000 Sq. Ft. In-Stock Tile and a new LARGE section of Ceramic Tile just arrived!

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

"One, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 3D 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.

"Two, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and (continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page)

swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper.

The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 3D 2 pi sqr root of l over g).

"Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

"Six, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"

The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.' We love our advertisers!

Thanks for choosing us!!

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Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

Wood Pellets $239 a ton!

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BRYANT ENERGY 345-4301 • 800-698-0032 33 Elm St. • Mechanic Falls Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a

police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Kitchen Tips Martha Stewartʼs way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Uncle Andyʼs way: Go to the bakery.

They'll even decorate it for you.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes: "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Buyers Can Get Big $ from Uncle Sam For years, the federal government has considered it important for Americans to own their own home.

Time is Home ownership helps families build wealth, give running out! them a safe and stable place to live, and creates communities of stockholders who pull together to meet each other’s needs.

Home ownership is so important, in fact, that the government does something exceptional to encourage people to own a house. It gives a big tax break.

Generally, the interest someone pays on their home loan is deducted on their federal income tax filings. Depending on a person’s income and how much they deduct, the savings can be substantial. It’s another reason why owning a home is one of the greatest wealth-building tools a person can have.

Out & About at the Kora Temple’s semi-formal ball fundraiser M.P.I.

M.P.I. stands for Motor Power, Inc. Electric motor sales & service. Call 782-7017

FIRST-TIME TAX REBATE First-time homebuyers get an even bigger bonus: up to $8,000 back from Uncle Sam, to encourage home sales after the real estate slow-down, the federal government is offering first-time homebuyers—defined as anyone who has not owned a home in the past three years—a 10 percent reward for buying a home, up to a maximum of $8,000.

There are some limitations, including income caps, so talk to the Fontaine Family-The Real Estate Leader to get details. But this is essentially money sitting on the table for people who haven’t owned a home recently.

Why does my husband always plug our business?

TAX REBATE FOR REPEAT HOMEBUYERS Even if you are not a first-time homebuyer, you still might be eligible for up to $6500 when you purchase a home. The government is offering this stimulus to anyone who has owned or lived in a home for five consecutive years in the eight years prior to the purchase date. It’s available for new and pre-owned homes. And despite it being called the “move-up” tax credit, you can actually use it to buy a less expensive house than you’re currently living in. To get the tax credit you’ll have to have sales contract signed by April 30, 2010, and will have to close by June 30, 2010. Again, income caps, limits on the price of the home and other restrictions apply, so call the Fontaine Family Team for details at 784-3800.

My brother is always looking for a free plug in Uncle Andy’s Digest.

336 Center St., Auburn

784-3800 www.BrendaFontaine.com Q: In what year was Jason Varitek named the Red Sox first team captain since Jim Rice?

A: 2004

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Out ’n About with “Miami Mike” It has been a long and eventful month since I reported from the Pro Bowl. I currently commute 33 miles one way to work, which takes me a ridiculous 60 minutes.

The view is nothing short of breathtaking with waves of billboards lining the six-lane expressway, and the droves of automobiles like salmon intending to spawn up an asphalt stream with little to no progress through the bumper to bumper traffic. This extra time in the car enables me to spend significantly more time reflecting on the world. To be bluntly honest with you I have yet to come up with anything even mildly inspirational, or any theories on the origin of the duck billed platypus, which by the way is one of only two mammals that lays eggs.

Among the commotion and hubbub of Miami it becomes unmistakably apparent as to why the great state of Maine is called “vacationland”. Vacation is not about go-go-go, it’s about leisure time, getting back to basics and appreciating all the simple aspects of life.

Take some advice from Miami Mike, next time you have a parcel of free time, scoot on over and visit Darcy Ames, proud owner of Perfect Image Salon. Let her know Miami Mike sent ya and I am willing to bet that though you may not have a million bucks, you’ll sure look and feel like it.

After the salon, head over to Holly’s Own Deli for some suppa with motha! Or if you are scouring the hillside for something a bit different, head over to Deep Sea Creations and let them set you up with an aquarium that will bring you a taste of Feng Shui. On a final note: yes, that is Uncle Andy’s Miami Mike at the Super Bowl with the latest edition of The Most Unusual digest in America!! Until next time “Digesters Mount up”!

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"Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on their 18th birthday."

– Sign in a U.S. Post Office

“Miami Mike” at the Super Bowl

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Varicose... Near by

Surprise!

Submitted by Jimbo It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Rectum... Darn near killed him.

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REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE Helping Central Maine with all its electrical needs

Rick Nichols & Sons Excavation & Carpentry

Call 345-9586 or 754-9586

Free estimates Fully Insured 14 years experience

1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

centralmaineelectrician.com

S A N I PLUS

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

ne Gro Compost i a M Exceptional Quality Biosolids Compost $7.00 per cubic yard (small pickup load) (bulk discounts available for 100 yards or more)

Sold Tuesdays, Fridays & Saturdays 8-5

Gardener’s Black Gold!

782-0917 Lewiston-Auburn Water Pollution Control Authority 535 Lincoln Street, Lewiston

FREE Discover Scuba Session with this Ad Emma on her first dive

If you ever wanted to try Scuba Diving, here’s your chance. Come join us in confined waters using the latest gear.

Call 784-7300 for an appointment

You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.

Barclay s Skindivers Paradise www.skindiversparadise.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Post Operative... A letter carrier.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE Able Power Rooter price = $260 (as of 3/24/10)

$

POWER ROOTER price = 185

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mom?"

Call now and $

"Who does everything she says?"

SAVE 75 POWER ROOTER & DRAIN CLEANING SERVICE 292 Court Street, Auburn • 312-9191 A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up.

Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a

Tim Lachapelle, owner www.MaineCloggedDrain.com

handsome tip."

The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

ROOFING:

Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

– Fred Allen I’m all smiles cuz my daddy just put in this new carpet and it’s really soft on my to-zees...

Rip & Installed $100 square

Us too, Corinne!

Up to 2 layers • $10 more per square over 2 layers Call for more information and a FREE estimate

No roof too big or too small!

HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES

For All General Home Repairs & Improvements

784-8922

Call me today about your roof. You’ll be glad you did!

Owner: Ric Montminy

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Node... I knew it.

Corinne Rose Lebel Corinne’s daddy is Todd Lebel from Sherm Arnold’s Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. (continued on next page)

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Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.

Join us for the

OUTDOOR BIKE NITE pm!

The fun starts at 6 Where: L-A Harley-Davidson 839 Main St. in Lewiston When: April 24th

Live music from Veggies By Day Food & Beverages provided by the V.F.W. Riders

Prizes & Giveaways

Compete in our first-ever

T U O N R U B E R TI CONTEST 2nd Annual

Dyno Shootout Saturday, April 24th 9am-3pm

9 separate classes to compete in

Will you join our 100 HP club?

$1000 in L-A Harley Gift Cards are up for grabs!

839 Main Street Lewiston

207-786-2822 www.l-aharley.com

Medical Term Definitions by Uncle Andy: Fester... Quicker than someone else.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Spring in and save at L & S Windows We don’t just install, we sell direct to you!

• Windows: New construction - Replacement: Many brands & styles

(continued from previous page)

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

• Roofing: Asphalt - Torchdown - Rubber- Metal • Siding: 17 colors starting at $65/sq. 0.44 thickness • Coil: $75/roll white; other colors available

Vinyl Replacements starting at

$

175 installed

Logan Warner Son of Scot & Laurianne Warner, Owners of L&S Windows

L & S WINDOWS Come visit our showroom at 884 Lisbon Street, Lewiston Hours: M-F 8 to 5, Sat. 8-1

783-9200 or 1-866-989-9155 • email: LandSWindows@gmx.com

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

SPRING & SUMMER PROJECTS Twin Construction can do it!

New construction • Remodeling • Roofing Flooring • Windows • Light excavation & more!

Certified Lead Safe Renovator

TWIN

CONSTRUCTION

Call 345-TWIN

Buying Distressed Properties

or 576-5494 or 740-0040

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a threeblock radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size (continued on next page)

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 93

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or shape of a softball should be disposed of.

Carefully.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

Spring is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!

Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!!

Property Services Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs

Farrell Enterprises Geez, Dad is always on the phone!

Great! You saw my ad in Uncle Andy’s Digest!!

We’ll be right over...

CALL US FOR A FREE QUOTE!

Fully Insured

782-5300 or 576-2501

Paul & Mike Farrell

Most of the earliest banks were started by goldsmiths, who had safes for their gold.

People then paid to keep their own valuables in the goldsmithʼs safes.

There are over 15,000 miles of neon lights along the Las Vegas strip.

Out & About at the Kora Temple’s semi-formal ball fundraiser

It takes 10 pounds of milk to make one pound of cheese.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039 95

MOTORCYCLE FULL RECON

$

125

Metal Polish Wash Engine Cleaning Wax & Buff

Detroit has more 'registered' bowlers than any othr American city.

Stop by Lake City Exports at 867 Center St. in Auburn, and I’m sure you’ll find the perfect vehicle to put your own Temp Plate on… but this one’s mine!

Colin Dube, son of Derek Dube, Lake City Exports Owner

2005 SAAB 93

$11,490

2006 JEEP WRANGLER X

$14,490

Appointment required

Summer is coming!

BOAT RECONS Call for quote Senior Citizens & Veterans FULL RECON

$99* *most automobiles Call for an appointment

Raymond’s

Reconditioning 1830 Lisbon St. Lewiston

240-0773

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio

43K, 5-Speed, Leather, Turbo, Loaded w/ Sunroof, Alloys, Cd & More

2004 VOLVO S60R

$12,490

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio

93K, Gray, AWD, 6 Speed, Leather, Smooth & Stylish, Loaded!!!

2006 SAAB 93

$13,490

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio

44k, Leather, Alloys, 5-Speed, Premium Audio, CD, Lots of Options and Features

Many other vehicles available Check out our website Adam Raymond, Owner Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

96

& Jimbo

APRIL 2010

783-7039

LakeCityExports.com LakeCityExports.com

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio

Right Hand Driver!!!!, 74K, Hard Top, Auto, Rare

$11,490

2006 SAAB 93

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio

71K, Auto, woodgrain trim, Leather, Power Everything, Heated Seats and a lot more

2004 JEEP WRANGLER X

$10,990

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD & Premium Audio

5 Speed, 6cyl, 4WD, Hard Top, Running Boards, CD

867 Center Street, Auburn

753-0033 753-0033

Dolphins can hear underwater sounds from as far as 15 miles away.