Uncle Andy's Digest

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

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The Most Unusual Digest in America

FREE

APRIL 2011

PARKING LOT LIGHTING REPAIR & UPGRADES • Lighting Repairs • Energy Efficient LED & HID Upgrades • New Installation • Ask about Efficiency Maine Incentives ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com Armandsab@aol.com

138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

SPRING HAS SPRUNG! THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO GET PRE-APPROVED OR PRE-QUALIFIED FOR YOUR HOME PURCHASE!

Conventional H FHA H VA H MSHA H RD

A local lender you can trust!

We also offer refinancing Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551

181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 www.rmsmortgage.com •dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com

This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions.

Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

Accountancy Exam

You win some, you lose some, you wreck some. – Dale Earnhardt

Submitted by Jimbo

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

She enrolled in martial arts classes three months ago and she’s never been happier or healthier. She not only learns self-defense and keeps fit, but she’s met so many new friends! Enroll your child today!

Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?

Dewey: Four.

Cardio Kickboxing

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Mon. & Wed. 7:30-8:30pm Tues. & Thurs. 8:30 - 9:30am Sat. 10-11am

Dewey: Five.

We are the only Certified OKINAWAN KENPO SCHOOL in the Twin Cities

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?

Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!

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Benefit for St. Judes April 16th, 10-11am Aerobic Kick Boxing Event Charging $5 Donations Call for reservations

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. – Author Unknown

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

APRIL 2011 Activities for members and their guests Saturday, Apr 2 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Chapter 8609) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston 4:00pm – 6:30pm $5.50/Member $7/Guest Tuesday, Apr 5 Luiggi’s (Chapter 10589) 63 Sabattus St., Lewiston 4:00pm – 7:00pm $4/Member $4.50/Guest Saturday, April 16 Flagship Cinemas (Chapter 12907) Lisbon St, Lewiston/ Center St. Auburn $4.50/Member $6/Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED Tuesday, April 19 Dairy Queen (Chapter 14346) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn 4:00pm – 7:00pm $4/Member $5/Guest Thursday, April 2 Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant (Chapter 14437) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston 11:30am – 1:30pm $4.50/Member $5/Guest Tuesday, April 26 Roy’s Breakfast (Chapter 12749) Washington St, Auburn 7:00am – 10:00am $2.50/Member $3/Guest Wednesday, April 27 Ari’s Pizza (Chapter 10929) 457 Main St, Norway 11:30 am – 1:00 pm $6/Member $6.50/Guest 800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Please Note: Prices and Menu are Subject to Change. ***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holiday’s).

FMI call 782-1833.

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

It was all so different before everything changed.

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 FAX: 207

783-7039 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com

APRIL 2011

Staff UNCLE ANDY

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures

Toxic Free

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

JIMBO

514-0660

4 Seam Fastball

TRAVIS DOW

www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Joe & Mike Adkins

Y ask Y The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

MAGGIE JOYCE PJ Play Date

MARTY DOW Marty-Dale

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.

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PRE-EMPLOYMENT AND TENANT SCREENING BACKGROUND CHECKS SSN Prior address verification ..................$3.00 National criminal history check ..............$10.00 Single state prior eviction check ............$12.00 National prior eviction check .................$15.00 State of Maine SBI criminal history .......$24.00

Volume and package pricing available!

We also perform hair follicle drug screens, paternity tests, private investigations, D.O.T. drug and alcohol screening.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator 577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

The Art of Romance A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in Maine!

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If your local Dairy Joy is closed from November through March, You might live in Maine!

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Hey, I watch television.

Every year, he's there clucking in the Cadbury egg commercials.

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Out & About at Andy’s Baked Beans

I've always thought I could do whatever was necessary to succeed. – Michael Jordan

Photos submitted by Jo Anne Morrissette

MAKE IT A PLAY DATE Saturday, April 16th 12-3pm Jo Anne, nice job covering for Uncle Andy. I sure hope he doesn’t lose his job over this...

Activities & Games FREE EVENT • Family Swim Register Today!

• Family Groove • Tie Dye - Bring a tee shirt!

• Basketball Clinic • Baseball & Softball Clinic • Gym Games • Healthy Snacks

CAMP CONNOR EARLY BIRD REGISTRATION WHO: Boys & Girls Grades K-8 WHY: A natural environment for your Uncle Andy might lose his job?

No way! He’s my main man, I love that guy! How can I focus on singing this song now?

child to experience a true outdoor summer camp.

FREE transportation and FREE pre/post camp care available

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND AFTER SCHOOL SWIM LESSONS Grades K-6, Registration now open. Classes start May 3rd.

FREE transportation from area schools! Call for details.

American Red Cross LIFEGUARD CERTIFICATION COURSE Mon. April 18th - Fri. April 22nd, 8:30am - 3:30pm

Youth Swim Lessons: Registration begins April 16th AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)

207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Carbohydrates: The stuff that makes food taste good.

(Then we go to the Y and burn those carbs!)

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Who do you think delivers all the baskets and stuff, the little chicks? Doubtful.

END OF SEASON BLOWOUT SALE

Out & About at Andy’s Baked Beans Photos submitted by Jo Anne Morrissette

Call or stop by for more information

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES AMES

SPORT SHOP, SHOP, Inc Inc SPORT

84 Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.

Uncle who?

Who is this schmuck?

4/30/11

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?

A: A bee comes after it.

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. – Author Unknown

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A Classic

“Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.”

Mildred J. Hill composed the tune for a song then known as "Good Morning to All," first published in 1893, as a greeting song for teachers to sing to their students.

Her sister Patty Smith Hill wrote the lyrics and, in 1924, added a stanza that became the now popular birthday song, "Happy Birthday to You." "Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you will reach your destiny."

– Carl Schurz

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. – Gene Perret It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. – Author Unknown As a baseball fan, I was very happy to hear that Mike Bordick was inducted into the Orioles hall of fame. Good to see a ballplayer with Maine roots getting some well deserved credit.

Roast Beef & Cheese Sub $ 4.69 or $5.69 loaded 2-large Fresh Dough Cheese Pizzas $16.50 Leavitt Area High School BOB MARLEY Project Graduation Tickets sold here!

Timmy & Chris Gamache at a Sox-Orioles game in Sarasota, FL Never have children, only grandchildren.

– Gore Vidal

New Auburn Business District

Out & About in New Auburn

We are here!

Scott Frazer 2 Brothers Discount Hours: Monday 10-5; Tuesday 9-4; Thursday 10-7; Friday 9-4; Saturday 9-3 Closed Wednesday & Sunday

9 Third Street, Auburn

376-4822

Jennifer Kritzer Owner / Stylist

Patti Levasseur Roy’s Foodland

Senior Prices $10 Shampoo Set $20 Cut $40 Color $50 Perm

Women’s wash, cut & style $25

Color & Effects Services Color only...............................$45 Color & cut .............................$55 Highlight (cap) .........................$50 Foils only (full head)..................$65 All over foil, cut, wash & style ......$85

Men’s wash, cut & style $15

Roy’s Foodland

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

And much more!

10% OFF for all military, fire & police

Stop in and check out our salon today!

Walk-ins welcome!!

Roger Violette

Check us out for Prom Season!

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown

If you know how to say...Wicked...

Upta camp... Ayuh...

Can't get there from heyah, You might live in Maine!

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Out & About in New Auburn It’s ok, Lisa.

I know the first time in Uncle Andy’s can be a little nerve racking... Take it from me, a veteran.

New Auburn Business District Shop Local

NEW! NEW! NEW! Sundays are now available to reserve for any function! Baby showers, bridal showers, birthdays, etc.

For 1-50 people

Call for details

ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern 47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044 Lisa Phillips & Mumma

HOURS: Tues. & Wed. 10am-8pm Thurs. & Fri.10am-Close • Sat. 8am-Close

Every Saturday

“Love at first bite!”

Andy’s Baked Bean Specials…

Don’t Miss Out!

Deep Sea Creations

BREAKING NEWS!

Wendell Wheeler Wheelers Variety & Redemption

Uncle Andy arrested for running a cathouse...

It was a huge hairball scheme that he thought he would get away with.

Screenprinting and Embroidery YOU and your staff should be advertising YOUR business, not someone else’s!!

I love to count.

1 bottle, ah haha.

2 bottle, ah haha...

Mike Violette Wheelers Variety & Redemption

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Who needs shirts, hats & sweatshirts this month?

1. Men’s and co-ed’s softball teams 2. Lawn care companies – look professional!

3. Construction workers – create that team look!

We will match or beat any written quote in town Super quality products at super low prices

85 Third St., Auburn • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com

New Auburn Business District Shop Local

Out & About in New Auburn

Month of April Specials

Fried Clam FREE COOKING of Lobsters & Clams Basket $ 99 (Please call at least one hour before pickup)

Place your order now!

includes fries, coleslaw & roll

9

“If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!”

We ship anywhere in the US

Michael Roy Roy's Foodland

22 Mill St., New Auburn • 782-3150 • Open daily 9am-6pm

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Maine!

Hey Uncle Andy, let me give you a sleeve...

In the Lobstah Pound Lobstah, it’s what’s for dinnah!

Mike Wright Artistic Creations Tattoo Eric is awesome!

Neil

Always Fresh LaRochelle’s Seafood

at Always Fresh LaRochelleʼs Seafood “Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of insomnia.”

Crystal Gowell gets inked up by Eric Pelletier at Artistic Creations Tattoo Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?

A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

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Out & About in New Auburn Any make, any model, any problem...

No problem!

New Auburn Business District Shop Local

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

We come here every morning for hash, eggs & toast.

It’s fantastic!

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Brad Johnson Brad's Precision Auto Hey Brad, I’ve got a problem you can’t fix, he’s called Uncle Andy!

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

Pauline & Adelard Boilard of Sabattus

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A! Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

Steve Wilson Brad's Precision Auto

The Rules of Chocolate A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.

Isn't that handy?

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Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes

Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners

Chemicals & Cleaners

Breakroom & Food Service

Skin Care

Packaging

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: When I was six, I saw a bunny at the scene of the crime. He put his finger aside his nose, and up the chimney he rose.

New Auburn Business District Shop Local

Out & About in New Auburn

ROY’S FOODLAND Roy’s Pizza Paks 5 Crusts 1 lb. Cheese 1 lb. Sauce

Official

10 lbs. Extra Lean 10 lbs. Boneless Hamburger Skinless Chicken

$

$ 99

7.

Headquarters

$

31.90

19.90

Tr y our HOME MADE Chicken Salad, Ham Salad & Coleslaw

Saturday Bean Special $7.99

Featuring Fried Chicken

70 Broad Street • Auburn, ME • 207-783-8471

Steve Goodman Goodman Wiper & Paper

Beans, Coleslaw, Bread

Scott, your T-shirts are ready. Is that why you’re here?

Bob, crank up Musta Got Lost by J Geils Band. I can nail that one at Karaoke!

Our chicken fingers always get two thumbs up!

Ken Goodman Goodman Wiper & Paper

“DJ” Bob Barcelou & Scott-Dawg

Carmen Valliere

Varsity Lettering

Roy's Foodland

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for All day – Every day!

Dave Sheloske

$

12

Foreign Car Service

Mike Terrell

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Sharkey of The V-Shop Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Quality Service at an Affordable Price

think spring!

$

15 OFF

Complete Vehicle Check Includes basic computer check Expires 4-30-11

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net

Out & About in New Auburn

Do you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

$

100 OFF

Any one of these vehicles with this coupon Expires 4/30/11

George Allen & Scott Walker Gagne and Sons

2002 Honda Accord EX V6 Coupe, plush leather seats, power moonroof, CD player new tires, very clean car ONLY

$7,400

2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser 1999 Ford Ranger Xcab 2004 Toyota Avalon XLS GT, turbo, power moonroof, 5 speed, local trade-in, great condition ONLY

$6,500

Jim’s

Fred Horsfall

Over 60 vehicles to choose from starting at $3,800 online at:

4X4, V6 automatic, new tires, new sticker, nice truck ONLY

$7,400

Plush leather seats, power moonroof, CD, one-owner car ONLY

$9,400

AUTO SALES 1097 Center St., Auburn • 784-5438 1-800-289-5467 Ask for Dave

www.JimsAutoSales.com

Gagne and Sons Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

Why in a country of free speech, why are there 'phone bills?

Top 10 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s

I am selling my own 2006 Harley-Davidson Ultra Classic for only $16,500!

10) Best of the best 12 years running for automotive service 9) Full service garage, no problem too big or too small 8) Fair & honest quotes 7) Accurate diagnosis of problems 6) Expert service & highest quality 5) Great customer service with a smile 4) We service all makes and models 3) State of the art equipment 2) Complimentary Coffee & Donuts 1) Free shuttle service in L/A

2006 Harley-Davidson Ultra Classic Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS, AM/FM stereo, extra chrome, 2 windshields

$16,500

Top 10 Reasons Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs 10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

Mike Morin’s

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

“A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

Mad Cow

Some think my egg shape is sexy...

Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”

The other cow replies, “What the heck do I care? Iʼm a helicopter!”

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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

opens in New Auburn Jennifer Kritzer, is the owner of L/A’s newest salon, Impulse Hair Salon. Jennifer is enthusiastic and passionate about hair.

She is a 1994 graduate of Edward Little HS. After high school she joined the US Navy, and while stationed in Roosevelt Rhoads Puerto Rico, she met her now husband, SFC Matthew Kritzer. After dating for four months they were married. 14 years later they are still very happily married!

Jennifer continued her education, as an English Major in Secondary Education while living in Mississippi, where later she became a high school English teacher. In 2003 Jennifer and Matthew along with their daughter Cheyenne decided to move back to Maine, so they could be closer to family.

Jennifer then decided to try something new. “I have always loved doing hair, so why not give it a shot,” Jennifer said. She attended Cosmetology school at Mr Bernard’s School of Hair Fashion. During her program, she entered the Annual Hair Competition, where she placed first in both Bridal and Avant-garde categories. After graduation, Jennifer worked at a local salon and at the barber shop, at Brunswick NAS gaining knowledge and work experience. She then went back to Bernard’s where she earned her License as a Cosmetology Instructor.

Jennifer taught at Mr. Bernard’s School of Hair Fashion, until just recently, when she decided to take the huge leap of faith and open her own salon. This now new small business owner, stylist, Army Wife, and mother of two (Cheyenne 13 and Jacob 3) certainly has her hands full.

Stop in and see Jennifer at Impulse Hair Salon, located at 9 Third Street in New Auburn. Walk-ins are accepted. For something more than a cut, call 376-4822 for an appointment. See her ad on page 9.

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McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

Coming Soon

y r e k a B &

r a l l e WineC

❦ Huge Wine Selection ❦ Freshly Baked Breads ❦ Freshly Made Pastries & Donuts ❦ Fresh Home Made Fudge ❦ Large Cheese Selection

Farm Stand Opening Soon for the season Fresh Produce • Jams • Jellies • Maple Syrup ...and more 72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine

www.benoitsbakery.com Turtles can breathe through their butts.

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Out & About at Andy’s Baked Beans

It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

Photos submitted by Jo Anne Morrissette

PARTS • SALES • SERVICE WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes • Sales of New International Trucks • Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes

Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 Did you hear we might be seen in Uncle Andy’s?

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783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard. – Unknown

Leather has enough nutritional value to sustain life for a short time.

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

A GOLD STAR AWARD Thank you, Maggie for all you do for us at our office!

– Love, Jimbo, Travis, Uncle Andy & Marty

Maggie Joyce Office Manager at Uncle Andy’s Digest

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A: A receding hareline.

The mantis shrimp has an extending claw that can punch a hole through a glass jar.

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Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: It was a little cafe somewhere in France, I was young, and yes, I believed everything he told me.

FULL SERVICE HARLEY MOTORCYCLE SHOP

GET YOUR BIKE ROAD-READY!

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

State of Maine Inspection Station

140 Riverside Drive Auburn, Maine 04210

Oil Changes Tire Mounting & Balancing Brakes

We work on Shovelheads & Sportsters

CUSTOM & OEM V-ROD SERVICE

email: info@v-shop.us

www.v-shop.us

Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!

Full recons available. Call for an appointment for the whole family

Steve Dubois Owner

Auburn Mall Eye Care

865 Sabattus Street, Lewiston 333-3004

550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall)

liquidsunshinecarwash.com

(207) 782-5030

DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

2011 State Champion Lewiston High School Cheerleaders

Keep reading the Digest to learn more...

THE SHOP AUTO SERVICE AND CLASSIC CAR RESTORATION

Walk-ins welcome

Mike Smith, owner

www.theshopclassicrestoration.net theshop@roadrunner.com

& Jimbo

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1 OFF Any Cut Men’s, Women’s & Children’s (Reg. $10)

That Little Barber Shop

304 Lisbon St., Lisbon • 353-6100

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

$

9 Acadia Ave., Lewiston (off Lisbon St.) Cosmetologist Brittany Legare

312-5478 Hours: Tues, Thurs, Fri. 9am-5pm • Wed. & Sat. 8am-noon

Let the power of love replace the love of power.

I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold ʻem with a deck of tarot cards.

I got a royal flush and five people died.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

APRIL SPECIAL

Out & About at Andy’s Baked Beans Photos submitted by Jo Anne Morrissette

Did I hear that right? They replaced Uncle Andy with Jo Anne? She certainly is a lot cuter!

Buy 4 New Tires Receive Front End Alignment

FREE $55 Value

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

If all is not lost, where is it?

Well if they didn’t I’m gonna beat him next time he steps foot in here!

Rosie Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn't want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

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AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at

Holly’s on St. Patty’s Day I’ve always enjoyed graphic explosions...

$4,595

You can be on the left this time...

‘01 Chrysler PT Cruiser Limited

Sherrianne Poulin & Bruce Poulin

‘98 Lincoln Town Car

‘00 GMC Jimmy

$3,995

More Inventory Available

$4,995

04 Chrysler Pacifica loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7995 04 Chevy S10 4x4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6500 03 Dodge Caravan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6995 03 Chevy Malibu Presidential . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3995 02 Ford Ranger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3995 02 Hyundai Accent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3995 01 Chevy 1500 4WD, Blue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6895 00 Chevy Silverado Extended Cab . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7395 99 Pontiac Grand Prix 92k, Auto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3995 98 Toyota Camry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3995 98 Ford Taurus SE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2995 95 Buick Century Presidential AS IS . . . . . . . . . . . .$1200

Stop by or shop online at: eliteautosalesme.com 791 Sabattus Street • Lewiston • 344-6650 If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one in five enjoys it?

2 weeks only April 1st - 16th Unbeatable Prices!

1st Annual Helmet Exchange Now thru 4-16-11 Trade your old helmet and get up to $100 Trade Value

L O V E THE DIGEST

Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?

A: Two points, just like anyone else.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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845 Main Street, Lewiston • 689-2345 www.centralmainepowersports.com

Tire mount & balance $19.95* *Touring bikes $29.95

2011 April Event Calendar No w - 4.16 1s t Annual He lme t Exch ange 4.1 - 4.16 SUPER TIRE SALE 4.9 Motorcycle Permit Course . . . $65 4.14 - 4.16 3rd Annual Spring Tent Sale 4.23.Motorcycle Permit Course . . . . . . . . . . $65

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE

Out & About at Andy’s Baked Beans Photos submitted by Jo Anne Morrissette

QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services • Transmission Flushes

• Chassis, alignment

• Fuel systems

• Shocks, struts

• Engine performance

• And more!

• Brakes, exhaust

• State Inspection

Maineʼs AAA Approved Repair Facility since 1990!

HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420 Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

Bob & Bonnie Merrill, owners

Find out why 120 customers drove away very satisfied last month. Was it the new location? Maybe. Service?

Yes! Support? Yes! Super savings? Absolutely!

Scott Feldman Next to Republic Jewelry Showroom & parking in back of building

Remote Starters • Alarms • Car Audio • Boat Audio NOW LOCATED AT: 216 Center Street, Auburn (207) 777-3339

www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Appointments Required, Please call first Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…

I’m so glad to hear that Uncle Andy’s hired Jo Anne to be the official photographer!

NO PROBLEM! The Rules of Chocolate

$

55/hr. LABOR RATE

Brad Johnson

Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Fully Warranteed & Certified

A tuna called the 'Blue Fin' can be sold for over $20,000 around the world.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

Because no one wants to quit.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 23

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

Every 23 seconds a Tupperware party starts somewhere in the world.

www.emerso

The Back Forty

It’s good to finally be back in the Digest!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

24

APRIL 2011

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You will have to walk just over 49 miles for your legs to equal the amount of exercise your eyes get daily.

Venus is the only planet in the solar system to spin backwards.

ontoyota.com

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

y April Specials

990 Center Street, Auburn • 784-1348

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?

A: Mallardjusted.

Chocolate contains the same chemical, phenyl ethylamine that your brain produces when you fall in love.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 25

Out & About at the Quit & Win Celebration with Healthy Androscoggin

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

2003 Mercedes S500

$

18,999

2004 Volvo S60

$

8,995

Loaded, 82K

Turbo, AWD

2003 Saab 9-3 Convertible

2006 VW Jetta

Jackie Hebert, Quitter & Coleen Daskoski, Supporter

$

6,995

$

8,995

88K, Loaded

Other Inventory

Sharma Breau, Supporter & Kim Hill, Quitter

Terry Sanborn, Karen Ferguson, Quitters & Barbara Hinkley, Supporter Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

26

APRIL 2011

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05 Hyundai Accent 86k .....................................................$5495 05 Nissan Sentra Auto, CD................................................$5795 04 Jeep Grand Cherokee 4.0L 4x4 .................................$7995 04 VW Golf ..........................................................................$6495 04 Audi A4 Quattro, Auto, 57k, ....................................$11500 04 Hyundai Elantra GLS, 84k, Auto ................................$5495 03 BMW 3 Series Black.....................................................$9995 03 Dodge Neon 86k ..........................................................$4995 03 Infinity QX4, Auto, 4WD, V6 ......................................$8995 03 VW Jetta GL Green........................................................$4795 03 Volvo S60, AWD, Gold .................................................$8495 02 Saab 9-3 Convertible Blue Loaded............................$6495 02 Saab 9-5, Silver .............................................................$4795 02 Volvo S60 2.4L ..............................................................$6495 02 Ford F250, 73k, Auto, 4x4, ......................................$12995 02 Volvo S60, Auto, Keyless Entry, Leather ..................$6495

01 VW Jetta VR6 87k.........................................................$6295 01 Audi A4 1.8T Quattro, Auto, AWD, Silver ................$5995 01 Audi A4 2.8L, Manual ..................................................$6495 98 Volvo C70 .......................................................................$6495

Tim Bellmore

INDEPENDENTAuto 1298 Sabattus St. Lewiston

786-7744

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Someone is posing for those chocolate rabbit molds, and I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. – Gene Perret

Out & About at

Holly’s on St. Patty’s Day

Available at:

That’s one EXTREME ad right there!

www.maine-lyaction.com

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Who else has time to color all those eggs? Not me, Jack.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 27

Out & About in New Auburn

A mole can dig about 300 feet in one night.

These guys are good... they even had us line up by height!

Don Poisson, John Pike & Mert Gould Poisson & Sons

Kevin Hunter, Jana Stevens & Jim Murphy Riverside Millwork Center

What's important is... not what kind of car you drive, but rather how many people you give a lift.

What's important is... not the size of your house, but rather the number of people you welcome into your home.

What's important is... not your social status, but whether you live your life with class.

What's important is... not what you possess, but rather what you give.

What's important is... not how many friends you have, but rather how many to whom you are a friend.

What's important is... not how much overtime you worked, but rather if you work overtime for your family and loved ones.

What's important is... not if you live in a great neighborhood, but rather how you treat your neighbor.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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APRIL 2011

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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

The highest publicly reported amount of money paid for a domain name is $7.5 million!

For business.com.

If you have a car remote and you step out of its range, point it to your head and it will work again!

Out & About at the Quit & Win Celebration

Try our state-of-the-art Service, Parts & Body Shop and SAVE MONEY!

with Healthy Androscoggin

OIL & FILTER CHANGE

$

$

10 OFF

Expires 4/30/11. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

$

POTHOLE SPECIAL

Save your vehicle from winter’s pothole brutality!

Keith Pray (Quit 10 years ago) with his daughter, Carolyn

Rotate & balance tires, perform computerized 4-wheel alignment, inspect suspension and steering components

50 OFF

Expires 4/30/11. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

Purchase of 4 tires & alignment

BODY SHOP SPECIAL

Expires 4/30/11. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

$ DETAIL SPECIAL

$

99.95

139.95

Protect your vehicle from the elements.

Complete vehicle detail and reconditioning special. Wash, buff, wax, interior shampoo and detail.

Expires 4/30/11. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

100 OFF Can be used for any collision or paint repair that exceeds $500

Keith Pray’s newspaper clipping from his Quit & Win celebration 10 years ago (with Nick Knowlton)

Restoration services on classic & antique autos from repairs to touch-ups.

Guaranteed work! We’ll get your vehicle in and out quickly.

The Rules of Chocolate

Expires 4/30/11. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

We offer 24 hour towing services for any vehicle

Goodwin

Chevrolet Buick - Oxford

1-866-370-9225 Check out other great coupon specials online 1606 Main St. (Rt. 26) Oxford, ME • goodwinmotorgroup.com

Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 29

Out & About at

Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls. – Author Unknown

Holly’s on St. Patty’s Day

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. – Gene Perret

Rates as low as 2.75%* Stop by and apply today!

You’ll get personal service, not just a number.

I just got a text saying that Holly’s was the place to go for lunch, dinner & entertainment.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Great Falls Federal Credit Union

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com

*Member eligibility required, qualifications & restrictions may apply, no in-house refinancing, annual percentage rate.

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. – Ogden Nash

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

$

$

11,500

$

7,995

5,995

2007 Chevy Equinox

2006 Dodge Caravan

2001 Volvo V70

90K, AWD, Loaded, Leather

40K, Runs Good

Black, 119K

YARD TRUCK

$

4,995

$

$

8,500

1,450

1999 Ford Windstar

1985 Chevy 1500

1994 Chevy Rack Body

Dual Sliding Doors, 93K, V6

Shortbox, 7-1/2” Plow

2WD, 6.5 Diesel, 87K

www.MandPautosales.com HOT SPRING DEALS NOW GOING ON!

Call, click or get here!!

2000 Chevy 6500 Car Carrier, 6 Speed, Diesel . . .$17,995 1994 Chevy 3500 Rack Body, No Dump, Diesel . . .$8,500 1992 Chevy 3500 Ambulance, V8, Auto . . . . . . . . .$2,995

M & P AUTO SALES Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867 Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: I had a pet rabbit in the 4th grade, and he told me it was all true.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 31

Out & About at

Some large clouds store enough water for 500,000 showers.

Holly’s on St. Patty’s Day

Peace out, girl scout...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

32

APRIL 2011

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A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.

Out & About at

The Nile catfish swim upside down.

Holly’s on St. Patty’s Day Happy Easter!

Tropic al Har mony

All your salt water tank needs right here!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com April Special

10" 1-TOPPING

PIZZA

Green is our color, sis!

& 20 oz. Coke product

$

4.99

Look for this K+L decal at local businesses in L-A Check us out online at:

KandLGreenClean.com "Helping the environment one job at a time" Call us for a free quote to clean your business

K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC 577-8725 It is impossible for a solar eclipse to last for more than 7 minutes 58 seconds.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 33

Fishing Mirror

Men are more likely to be left-handed (10%) than females (8%).

Submitted by Jimbo

"Wow! Does that really work?"

MORRIS AUTO PARTS 940 Washington St. North • 784-7374 or 800-730-7374 • Mon. - Fri. 8 - 5 • Sat. 8 - 12

WE SPECIALIZE IN NEW/USED AUTO & TRUCK PARTS Offering almost any part for any year, make or model.

Foreign or Domestic, Auto or Truck.

RE-USE E CL CY RE

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface.

Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

Don’s DBA...

RE DU CE

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.

He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

Together let’s think GREEN and recycle!

20

%

Don St. Germain

OFF In-stock auto & truck parts

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

24/7 WRECKER SERVICE

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Uncle Andy: Hey, Travis! Please call me a taxi.

We’ve updated our fleet to better serve you!

DON’S NO PREFERENCE TOWING CO. Ask for Don or Debbie for all your towing needs

Travis: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

940 Washington St. • Auburn • 784-4619

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

A teaspoon of neutron star material weighs about 110 million tons.

& Jimbo

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Sell us your Harley!

We’re Buying Bikes!

Selling your Harley?

Call us first and get paid Top Dollar for your used bike!

Help us fill our used inventory!

Free appraisal & evaluation of your used bike.

Send me pics & info of your for-sale Harleys and get a response within 24 hours!

Spring is here!

New inventory is in. Every model in every color available!

Stop by our Showroom today!

Richard Chadwick, Bike Buyer Email to: richard@l-aharley.com or call 786-2822

839 Main Street, Lewiston • 786-2822 • WWW.L-AHARLEY.COM Hours: Mon.-Fri. 9AM-6PM; Sat. 9AM-5PM; Sunday - GONE RIDIN’

Out & About with the Fontaine Family Team

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED

for a home buyers seminar

Door prizes, too!

April Special

$

1 OFF *full size sandwich

Spring has Sprung! ing ti a P o Open !! n Soo

Ham & Cheese Sandwich* includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or chips & a pickle

We now have GLUTEN FREE wraps and soups!

Free Wi-Fi Breakfast served all day!

HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm; Sun. 10am-8pm

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 www.heidisauburn.com

Chris Saulnier Just follow the leader...

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair Deb Morin

• Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

Porter

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

A: Tired.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

36

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Nessie

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?

Boo

Karen Gruver & Julie Poulin

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

APRIL 2011

783-7039

Those stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.

THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm

Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm

FRIDAYS

SATURDAYS

LADIES Night Drink Specials

DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!

DJ & Live Local Entertainment

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP Sat. April 2nd Fri. April 8th Sat. April 9th Sat. April 16th Sat. April 23rd Sat. May 7th

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !

Rockin’ Roadrunners w/the Mechanical Bull Full Drive Band - Classic Rock

Tickle w/the Jaeger Girls See below FMI Crash Road Band Five Face North AC/DC Back in Black

Saturday, April 9th

TICKLE

& the Jaeger Girls

A show you don’t want to miss!

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

Out & About on Santa Marie Island in Florida

The telescope on Mount Palomar, California, can see a distance of 7,038,835,200,000,000 million miles.

at DʼCoy Ducks

General Family & Cosmetic Dentistry

John Codjoe, DDS Eugene Kim, DDS Michael Bufo, DMD Barry Hynes and Paul Frechette of the Mumbo Jumbo Band

$

25 GAS CARD for every new patient (cleaning, exam & X-rays) Expires 4/30/11. Not valid with any other offers.

Dan B. & Dan G.

I’m telling ya Barry, that sucker was huge!

Dan Bonneau has a big story for Barry Hines Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Every single "all a's" domain name, from a.com to aaa..aaa.com (63 a's) has been registered!

Until the 1960's men with long hair were not allowed to enter Disneyland.

SAM’S BODY SHOP

Now Accepting Students

Custom Trailer Hitches Sold & Installed Trailer Repairs

786-6861 25 Mary St. Lewiston

886 Main St. Lewiston • 784-0015 • Open Mon. Wed. Fri. 8:00-4:00

Teaching at EVERY LEVEL

A sure sign of too much facebooking

The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."

Proudly celebrating our 2-year anniversary FIRST LESSON FREE!!

Authorized

A few seats are still available for our seminar with Sam Guidry of the Galloup School of Lutherie on April 15th

$

75pp

Contact Steve Grenier 376-3376 or email: gitteacher@aol.com

Must mention this ad

Main St. Music Lessons

Check us out on Facebook!

& Instrument Repair

Service Center

When you sign up for 4 or more lessons

www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376

A single individual, Dr. Lieven P. Van Neste, owns over 200,000 domain names!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 39

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen." – Woodie Guthrie

reggae-fest!!

Sunday, April 10th 3pm-9pm

LIVE REGGAE MUSIC COMING SOON EVERY WEDNESDAY by

Repeat Offenders 4-8pm

DON’T FORGET Live Entertainment every Thursday, Friday & Saturday

bike night!

Outdoor Tent 1/2 Price Appetizers • $1.50 Drafts Full Menu Available

Irish Twins Pub

Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) Let’s hit the twins tonight, honey.

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Once, I put a tooth under my pillow, and in the morning I had a marshmallow Easter egg.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Someone has to believe in the Easter bunny.

& Jimbo

40

APRIL 2011

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST is expanding and has a full-time position available for an Account Executive

Sales experience is mandatory Ability to create and maintain accounts in a competitive market. Sales experience is mandatory.

At least two years sales experience preferred (business to business). Join a growing company with a publication like no other. Earn a competitive income with other perks.

Qualified candidate should/have: • Reliable vehicle • Clean driving record • Great attitude • Work well under pressure • Be a team player • Good computer skills Position details: • Base salary plus commission • Earn other perks such as: Gas & cell phone allotments, Join company’s Simple IRA plan • Company supplied computer, email & camera Email resumes & cover letter to: editor@UncleAndys.com or fax to: 777-3898 or mail to: PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 UncleAndys.com

Reasons Uncle Andy Still Believes in the Easter Bunny: Yeah, and Peter Rabbit didn't think Mr. McGregor was going to catch him in the cabbage patch either -- get with the times.

Daniel

Michelle

Jen

Christine

Emily

Get your Spring highlights, cuts, styles, manicures,

Cindy

Elizabeth

Lynn

Introducing our newest stylist... and graduate of the Paul Mitchell School in Tampa

pedicures & waxing today!

Micaela Kelly

20 Coburn Street, Auburn • 782-9009 (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday studio for hair, nails & massage

www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

Graduation Speech Notes When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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APRIL 2011

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Affordable! Really!

Three meals a day Plus snacks Weekly housekeeping - 24 hour call buttons Transportation to doctors appointments & shopping

All for $1,300 per month!

Openings Available Now! Call for a tour today!!

#433 Rt. 202, PO Box 629, Greene

946-3007 “Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center”

www.mainemeadows.com

Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.

Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.

Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

Dog & Cat Boarding Available Daily, Weekly Rates – Weekends, too!

Inquire for more info Your pets going to loare ve us!

M-F 7am-6:30pm Weekends by appointment only

Lisa Poulin & Bruce Bilodeau

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Join us

Thursday May 5th

Food Specials

30 years of marriage and we’re still madly in love!

Live Entertainment Dos Equis & Margarita Drink Specials s Giveawayn g o L All Day

PEDRO

O’ Hara’s

Irish • Mexican American 134 Main Street, Lewiston

783-6200

It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

783-7039 43

Out & About with the Fontaine Family Team for a home buyers seminar

You can call us the leader of the pack!

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

Summer Brews Are Here!!

L/A’s Largest Beer Selection & Walk-In Beer Cave

Check out or Deli It’s also a great song... sing it, Deb!

Hot & Cold Sandwiches Pizza & More

Italians $1.59 (ham, salami or veggie)

Find us on Facebook & Foursquare

Beth Favreau, Harriet Cummings, Brenda Fontaine & Deb Morin

I’m having more fun than a human should be allowed...

TUESDAY SPECIAL

We stock Baxter Brewery Beers

Redemption Center Open Commercial or Residential pick-up available

F~lorian’s Market ~

301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week

Framing Made Simple Metal Frame (silver, black or gold) Regular Glass Foam Core Backing

8x10.............................$10 16x20...........................$20 20x24...........................$30 24x36...........................$40

Affordable, everyday pricing – just for you! Stop in or call for more info.

Expert Custom Framing!

Quality Personal Service!!

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Claude Fontaine

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Dan Williams, owner

SUNDAY BREAKFAST BUFFET “Biggest and Best in Town!”

8:00am – 1:00pm every Sunday Open for Breakfast daily 7-11am Also see us for: Specialty foods • Meats & Cheeses • Wine Dessert bakery • Breads • Soups • Salads Gelato & more!

Beth Favreau teaching the home buyers seminar Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

44

APRIL 2011

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Mon.-Fri. 7am-6pm Sat. 7am-4pm • Sun. 8am-1pm

2 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn • 333-3062

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

Out & About at the Quit & Win Celebration

Antarctica is a desert.

We can ship anything... Anywhere!

with Healthy Androscoggin

(well, almost anything)

• UPS, FedEx & DHL shipping • Packaging Services • eBay • Mailboxes and more!

Congratulations to all the Quitters & Supporters!

120 Center Street, Auburn

www.AuburnGoinPostal.com

784-9900

Healthy Androscoggin Staff L to R: Rachel Black, Steve Johndro, Erin Guay, Shelemiah Baiei, Emily Dooling, Amanda Hutchins & Ellen Augusta

Barry Plouffe, Melissa Long, Claire Plouffe, & Whitney Williams

SIMPLICITY g FLEXIBILITY

g

EASE

Your local option for outsourcing your payroll...

Check us out for all your payroll needs!

PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com

This certainly helps my racquetball game...

Marcel Deschaines, Quitter; Supporter Debbie Norton & Marianne Bouchard, Quitter

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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DIY Appliance Repair

Advertise with confidence. Advertise with us!

Submitted by Jimbo

My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress her with my technical expertise.

I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.

I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.

Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some colleagues who were working in the back.

After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand. He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with the operation of my washing machine.

It was the underwire from one of my wife's bras.

I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.

– Bruce Lee

For affordable, local advertising there’s one clear choice...

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America

9 Grove Street in Auburn • (207) 783-7039 editor@UncleAndys.com

UNCLEANDYS.COM

“Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs.” – Christopher Hampton

Earn

10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon!

We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods. And definitely worth the trip!

(continued from previous page)

nice laugh at my expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.

And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!

Morning March

Expires 4/30/11

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm

Richard Conway, owner

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people.

DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame And I licked it clean...

Benjamin Schreiber

Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Good Looks At a church school gathering, one teacher approached a cute 5year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. “I must a got ʻem from my Daddy,” said the little girl, “because everyone says Mommy still has hers.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

897-3400 1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston

784-3100

Let us help you make that tax return go further

GRANITE

Stacy Whetzel and Jerimiah Morrissette

COUNTERTOP SALE!

Kitchen Countertop • Material (Granite) • Fabrication and Install Starting at

$

45/sq. ft.

Minimum 38 sq. ft.

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com

Wall of Famers at Egg-ceptional Restaurant These guys finished a full size omelet and made it onto the wall of fame

See their ad on page 47 for more info.

Some birds have been know to put ants into their feathers because the ants squirt formic acid, which kills parasites.

HUGE SALE NOW GOING ON!

Jerrett Shaffer

Got sand?

We’ve got brooms!

of New Gloucester

What the pros use!

Cody Meserve of Auburn

Woody Wilson of Oxford

Stop in or call for more information & pricing!

REGGIE’S SALES & SERVICE Your Local Four Season Power Equipment Dealer Where the Pros shop!

y It may look easy...

Try it and see if you can join us on the wall.

Matt Welch

1334 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME

783-0558

a

Hours: Monday, Wednesday, Friday 7:00 am - 7:00 pm Tuesday & Thursday 7:00 am - 5:00 pm Saturday 8:00 am - 3:00 pm

of Poland Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Calculating DNA length for each person, it would stretch across the diameter of the solar system.

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

The heart beats about 100,000 times each day.

Our operator is keeping the phone lines open for your call...

ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS WEEK April 24th – 30th One great reason to splurge on flowers this month!

Ann’s Flowers

Plenty of Easter Lillies, too!

14 Millett Drive, Auburn • 782-3457 • www.annsflower.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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An Octopus has 3 hearts.

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area

Out & About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Patty’s Day

me a G x o S d e R y r ve Catch e n NESN HD o

Open Easter Sunday Full menu available • Easter Dinner Specials Reservations for large tables accepted

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Every Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm

Pizza Buffet Soup, Salad & Pizza $9.50/pp $5 Children 10 & under 782-2088 150 Mill Street, Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Heather's Gardens

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Accepting New Clients

Heather Martin of the Lewiston-Auburn area started her own business in 2010, Heather's Gardens.

Mrs. Martin attended St. Dominics High School before enrolling in the Horticulture Program at Southern Maine Community College, where she later earned her Degree in Horticulture, which deals with the creation, production, distribution and use of fruit, vegetables, ornamental, greenhouse, turf and specialty crops. She specializes in Garden Designs & maintenance and loves creating custom gardens for her clients. "I love planting a variety of different plants so that there are flowers blooming throughout the spring, summer and fall." Heather told Uncle Andy’s Digest.

Heather's Gardens also maintains existing gardens for both residential and commercial clients.

To contact Heather's Gardens, please call 576-6814. See her ad on page 88.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water." – Sidney Goff

Eye Catching Submitted by Jimmy Benson

Now serving 4 different Soups every day!

Nice warm soup during work or to take home Entertainment Schedule Sat. April 2

Film Festival L/A Magazine, 11a.m.

Sat. April 2 Mike Krapovicki Sat. April 16 Okbari Belly Dancers Fri. April 22 Jeff Kilton Thursdays - Come play your own music, 7-10pm. Food & drink specials all night!

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs 84 Court St, Auburn

333-3041 www.hollysown.com

Our 4th anniversary celebration is May 7th with the Brookside Blues Band. More info to come!

Mon-Tues-Wed 7:30-4:00 (until patio opens) Thu-Fri 7:30-10:00 • Sat. 11:00-10:00

Dads and Babies My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

Holly Mireault, Owner

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."

April Special European Facial and

Spa Manicure & Pedicure Now Offering SHELLAC Manicures Call FMI

336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611

just

$

99 Ends April 30th

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age."

– Robert Frost

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place... “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy was amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?”

“No,” she replied... “You just happened to catch my eye.”

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ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop

Why Choose Taylor Brook Dental?

• Experienced, professional and courteous staff • We’ve rolled back pricing to 2008 levels!

• Clean, modern facility with plenty of parking • We offer Cosmetic & Preventative Dentistry Services all under one roof • We accept the following insurances: Northeast Delta Dental, Delta Dental, State of Maine & Cigna • We have Care Credit & SpringBrook Patient Financing available • Our mission is to help our patients achieve extraordinary dental health

T AYLOR B ROOK D ENTAL A SSOCIATES 784-1577 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The average life expectancy of a toilet is 50 years.

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline

TAYLOR BROOK

DENTAL ASSOCIATES

Taylor Brook Dental

Wide-Ranging Services

Our dentists serve patients in Auburn, Lewiston, Poland, Minot, and surrounding towns. We are here to provide quality, comprehensive dental treatment in a friendly, caring atmosphere. Our goal is to help the patient achieve optimal dental heath throughout their lifetime

Our dental services include crowns, bridges, dentures, dental extractions, tooth whitening, cosmetic dentistry, root canal, fluoride treatment, and all other major areas of dentistry.

$AVE HERE! We’ve rolled back to our TAYLOR BROOK 2008 pricing!

DENTAL ASSOCIATES

27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM One quarter of all creatures on the planet are beetles.

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Mom to son: “Explain to me again how you can tap out a 500 word text message in six seconds, but it takes you fourteen hours to pick up a pair of shoes?”

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM, prayer and medication to follow.

After the service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. I hadn't met the husband before, and I asked what church he was transferring from.

Uncle Andy’s new favorite sport... ...Indian Pole Gymnastics

After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

Ant Facts Ants began farming about 50 million years before humans thought to raise their own crops.

Patience "Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will be powerless to vex your mind."

– Leonardo da Vinci Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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I’m headin’ to Mario’s!

Great food is as close as the nearest Mario’s!

Call ahead for takeout or enjoy a meal in our full service dining room!!

Homemade Daily Specials

Mario’s of New Gloucester

The Little Place with the Great Taste

Rt. 100 • New Gloucester

Hours: Mon-Fri 8am-10pm • Sat-Sun 7am - 10pm

Spaghetti Special Bucket of spaghetti with 4 meatballs & loaf of garlic bread

$

11.99

926-3434

Featured Sub of the month Veal or Chicken Parmesan

$

6.25

Breakfast Served Daily until 11am

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. – Author Unknown

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.

– Author unknown

SERVICE...

Agreements 24/7 emergency Oil or Propane Residential or Commercial Call us to experience our Service difference!

“Delivering Comfort you Can Count On”

Icthyomaniacs are people who are crazy about fish.

Planning residential projects this spring?

at DʼCoy Ducks This face melting riff is for all my buddies back in Maine!

• Excavating • Concrete • Septic System Installation • Water or Sewer Connections • Retaining Walls • Screened Loam & Gravel Delivery

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston www.stlaurentandson.com • 784-7944

Out & About on Santa Marie Island in Florida

Barry Hynes & Roger Renaud Locally owned and operated since 1970!

The very first Olympic race, held in 776 BC, was won by Corubus, a chef.

who joins Mumbo Jumbo for a special guest appearance on sax Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

APRIL 2011

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Mafia Money

The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

Submitted by Jimmy Benson

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, (continued on next page)

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Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.

(continued from previous page)

The Netherlands has built 800 miles of massive dikes and sea walls to hold back the sea.

buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Still Sharp At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems. – Anon

STATE CHAMPS!

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

Lewiston High School Competition Team 2010-2011 Competition results: 2011 First Place

Maine State Champions Breaking the state of Maine record! State cheering competition held Feb. 12th

Front row (L to R): Kara Barnies, Rebecca Lessard, Ashley Blauvelt, Torey Reny, Shae Godbout, Jessica Bowen, Heather Michaud, Samantha Hopkins & Morgan Gilbert. Back row (L to R): Ashley Freve, Erin Morris, Megan Larkin, Taylor Pratt, Maddie Ide, Krista Thomas, Kirsty Beauchesne, Rachel Mills, Abby Madden, Adreena Adams, Ellie Rojas, Cassie Renger, & Abby Campbell. (missing from photo: Tiana Lacombe) Coaches (not pictured): Lynnette Morency & Jennifer Roy

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. – Alex Haley

2011 Runner up at New Englands in Rhode Island held on March 19th Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out & About at the Shriner’s Ball

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. – Welsh Proverb

Uncle Andy, quick, get a picture of this before my wife turns around.

GET YOUR TRUCKS READY FOR SPRING Light & Heavy Duty Trucks

Suspension & Springs • Oil Changes Roadside Assistance Tune Ups • & Much More

Reggie Emery Jr.

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com

Q: Why are people always tired in April?

A: Because they just finished a march

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother.

The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. – Pam Brown

Call now for Reservations Easter Sunday, April 12th Mother’s Day Sunday, May 8th

Stop by our booth at the Annual Chili & Chowder Challenge

“Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.

Award Winning Chowder

Family Owned for 3 Generations

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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My home town was so small that when it snows, salt is spread with a salad shooter.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Wishing everyone a

Ann Dumais

Kelly Giambra

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch

Lisa Olmstead Pauline Guimond

Lysa Ronan

Valerie Kelshaw

We are a full service salon

Jacinta Labbe

Happy Easter!

We Now Offer WiFi

786-4311

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

My home town was so small that the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages.

I just came from Paws in

PAWS IN MOTION

Nick’s Mowers & Blowers

PET GROOMING

Maintenance and minor repair of small engines done right at your home!

784-3676 PawsInMotionGrooming.com

577-1816

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't its real name - just a pen name.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

Motion and I just feel like catching some air!

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

&T Jimbo

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Out & About at the Shriner’s Ball

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."

– James H. Boren

Dean & Sharon Campbell

Bruce & Kerry Wood Kurt, just smile!

Uncle Andy will think of something witty to say because your eyes are closed...

Kurt Campbell & Tim Luttrell Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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22 Albiston Way, Auburn 784-5788 1-800-377-9433 "Have you read the new book "The Insomniac" by Eliza Wake?"

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle - if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."

Out & About at the Shriner’s Ball

Dancing with the Stars Shriners

I love it when you whisper sweet nothings into my ear...

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

– Carl Jung

Childhood: The time of life when you make funny faces in the mirror...

dition a r T e n i a AM unt On! o C n a C u Yo Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm

Middle age: The time of life when the mirror gets even.

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, mud season and of course, road construction, You might live in Maine!

In 1929, President Coolidge signed the Act that created the Grand Teton National Park.

Trivia buffs: The park, located in northwestern Wyoming, south of Yellowstone National Park encompasses approximately 310,000 acres of wilderness, approximately 100 miles of paved roads and nearly 200 miles of trails for hikers to enjoy.

Served from 10:30-3:30 Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich

Come to Cole Farms and try our chicken fingers & fries.

They’re a big hit!

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . .$9.25

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in the kitchen

w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . .$7.95 w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie .$6.95 w/Potato & Rolls

Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM

Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Thursday New England Boiled Dinner . .$9.25 w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

Friday - Lasagna . . . . . . . . . .$8.95 w/Salad & Rolls

In 1941, Gargantua the Great, "The world's most terrifying living creature," was married to Mitoto at the Ringling Brothers winter circus headquarters in Sarasota, Florida.

Jarrod Brown

Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . .$8.95

Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock

w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

BREAKFAST BUFFET

Adults .............$6.95 6 & under .......$3.95

SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Now open from 7am-11am

Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud." – Carl Sandburg

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me and I said, "What do you need?" ut our Check o ebsite: all new w

Out & About at the Shriner’s Ball

hallimplementco.com CELEBRATING

50 YEARS HALL IMPLEMENT CO. Jct. 202 & 302 at the rotary - Windham

892-6894

Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 Sat. 7:30-12:00

Dan & Cindy Labrie I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10...

There’s a hole in the world

Mike Zubiate I Love You, MeMe & Grammy!

207-739-9022 Commercial or Residential • Lawn care • Landscaping

April Special

• Seasonal Cleanups

$10 OFF

• Stone Work

First lawn mowing New accounts only

• Seeding • Hedge Trimming • Annual & Perennials

Durginslawnandlandscape.com

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

Lucas Goldrup Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.

– Author Unknown

Odd Phrases Where did they come from?

Sight for Sore Eyes: refers to a 'welcome sight.' According to ancient superstition, unpleasant sights could make eyes sore...and pleasant sights made sore eyes feel better.

Odd Phrases Where did they come from?

Have Your Work Cut Out for You: means 'having a difficult task ahead.' The term refers to a pattern cut from a cloth that must be then made into a garment.

When the easier task of cutting out the cloth is finished, the more difficult job of sewing the garment is still left to do.

Odd Phrases

Congrats, Mike Bordick AP Photo

Former Baltimore Orioles shortstop elected to the team's Hall of Fame!

(By Brittany Ghiroli / MLB.com) Bordick, currently the O's coordinator of offensive fundamentals, spent all or parts of six seasons in Baltimore in two separate stints. He had perhaps the best defensive season for a shortstop in 2002, when he set the Major League records for fielding percentage (.998), fewest errors (one), consecutive errorless games (110) and consecutive errorless chances (543).

In 2002, Mike Bordick set records for fielding percentage, fewest errors and consecutive errorless games.

Signed by Oakland as a non-drafted free agent out of the University of Maine in 1986, Bordick went on to play 14 seasons with the A's, Orioles, Mets, and Blue Jays, collecting 1,500 hits and appearing in two World Series. He was also a member of the '97 Orioles team that lost to the Indians in the American League Championship Series.

Known mostly for his defensive prowess, Bordick was no slouch at the plate, posting a career .260 batting average with 257 doubles and 626 RBIs. He was named an American League AllStar in 2000 and still has the third-highest fielding percentage (.982) among shortstops with at least 1,000 Major League games, trailing only Omar Vizquel (.985) and Jimmy Rollins (.983).

Mike is a fan of and a friend to Uncle Andy’s Digest Here are a few of our photos pulled out of the archives...

Where did they come from?

Thatʼs a Load of Bull: meaning 'a lie or exaggeration.' The origin is not in the cow chips. ʻBouleʼ is an Old French verb meaning ʻto lie.”

Mike would often read the Digest in his free time!

Never give up!

"You have a chip tooth and your Adam's apple sticks out too far...and you talk too slow. Find another job." Universal Pictures producer to Clint Eastwood.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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” in the of the Year Named “Man He’s on the cover 97.

Digest in 19 on in his hand. iti ed e of th

I have to thank Uncle Andy and the gang for all their support over the years. The Digest is awesome!

Congratulations, Mike from all of us at Uncle Andy’s Digest!!

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

Smart Cabbies In 2000, researchers at the University College of London announced research showing that the brains of London cab drivers grow and adapt to help them keep a detailed mental map of the city of London. Brain scans revealed that cab drivers have unusually large development in one area of the hippocampus, the part of the brain which deals with navigation critical for learning.

on Rt

Barbie

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Shop Local ... Eat Here!

FANTASTIC FOOD FAIR PRICES FAMILY FRIENDLY FULL MENU & BAR

Try Thatcher’s Today!

Support a locally owned business, while enjoying a great meal, too!

Ruth Handler created the Barbie doll in March 1959, naming her after her daughter Barbara. Trivia fans: Barbie is from Willows, Wis., and attended Willows High School, she has had more than 108 careers, and Barbie and Ken broke up on Valentine's Day in 2004 after 43 years together. But they're still "friends."

One day a discussion was focused on St. Francis of Assisi in a First Grade religion class.

✹ Easy on the pocketbook ✹ Great for the whole family

Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere

After school, a First Grader came home all excited and blurted out to his mother, "Guess what, Mommy? I learned in school that St. Francis was a sissy!"

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

RESTAURANT

892-9922

907 Roosevelt Trail in Windham Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm

Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners

&T Jimbo

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IT’S NOT TOO EARLY TO BOOK YOUR SUMMER FUNCTIONS! No catering job too small or too big!

Weddings

Summer BBQ Corporate Functions

Family Reunions

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Professional service at an affordable price Try Dad’s Place for your next event!

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing

345-9009 There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place Catering Division

www.dadsplace.info

Eagles mate while airborne.

April Special Manicure & Pedicure

Book your appointment now for prom up-dos!

Combo $

40 Stylist Wanted

Q: Your riding on an ostrich, on your left is a steep drop, on your right is a double decker bus and a lion is chasing you. What do you do?

782-3848 783-2220 1117 Center Street, Auburn

Theodore Roosevelt was the only U.S. president to deliver an inaugural address without using the word "I".

Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Dwight D. Eisenhower tied for second place, using "I" only once in their inaugural addresses.

Back, l to r: Colby, LMT; Nichole, Stylist; Alicia, Stylist; Tiffany, LMT. Front, l to r: Carla & Christine, Co-owners

Hair • Nails • Massage A group of crows is called a murder.

I might only be 18 months old, but even I know Blackie's is the place to go for all your fruits and veggies...plus I’ve got a crush on Lisa!

A: Get off the Carousel!

Submitted by Gaby Comeau

If you hear over the radio that there is a psycho on a tricycle throwing skittles at pedestrians telling them to taste the rainbow, don't worry its only me. – Uncle Andy

Everyday words with references to Greek gods

Blake Dow with Lisa of Blackie's Farm Stand on Minot Ave in Auburn

Siren: The Greeks believed the Sirens were women who called to passing sailors with their beautiful singing voices. Sailors couldnʼt resist them, in fact, the men were driven mad by the songs and dashed their ships on the nearby rocks in their frenzy to get closer.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

Plants that are not cared for will cry for help, a thirsty plant will make a high-pitched sound that is too high for us to hear.

We buy Gold, Silver, Platinum and Coins!

The highest prices paid!

Stop in with your unused pieces and walk out very happy!

Save the date...Cinco de Mayo is Thursday, May 5th.

Come join in the fun at Pedro O’Hara’s!

10% MORE when you mention this ad!

DiamondCut

Jewelers

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Mon-Fri 9-5; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com

Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.

COMPLETE SPRING CLEAN-UP Lawns, Driveways, Parking lots and more!

FULLY INSURED!

YEAR ROUND SERVICES AVAILABLE All landscaping materials delivered!

Mulch sold by the bag or by the truckload!

We sweep away our competition with fair competitive pricing!

FREE ESTIMATES Residential or Commercial

M&P Property Management 1339 Sabattus Street, Lewiston Moe 577-0690 • Scott 402-5108 • moe.poirier@yahoo.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success.

Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day! Green is our favorite color!

• Power your whole house • Keep medical equipment running • Keep food cold & your home warm • Keep well pumps & sump pumps working

And Much More!

INCLUDES FULL INSTALLATION CALL FOR MORE INFO

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn

783-7126

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.

– Bertrand Russell

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.

For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY 2 locations to serve your needs

LEWISTON 541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029

BRUNSWICK 92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797

Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength. – Sigmund Freud

Pedro O’Hara’s is the best!

Dan Dem ers

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Americans ate eight million more orders of french fries and almost six million more hamburgers this year compared to last.

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Ray The Electrician LLC

Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL “My Prices Won’t Shock You”

Office: 225-3360 • Cell: 576-6643 rayele@roadrunner.com

Fully Insured • All Electrical Service Work • Houses • Cottages • Dormitories • Campgrounds • Schools

• Phone Cable • Camera Security • House Alarms • Lead Certified Renovator

PLUS: • Install all sizes of generators, from portable to stand-by generators • Install permanent line poles for new housing developments

We answer any emergency call 24 hours a day / 7 days a week Licensed in Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts and Vermont Financing Available • Some Restrictions Apply NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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Out & About at L-A Harley’s Garage Party Just let go of the brake and give her some gas...

Nothing to it!

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Oh boy, I don’t know about this... I don’t think I dare squeeze through the front door!

Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

20 OFF %

all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Large Selection of Fenton Glassware!

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE! 20% - 70% OFF

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

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Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsy rides in them. – Gene Perret

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

– Author Unknown

Out & About at

CALL US FOR THE NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATE!

on St. Patty’s Day

Holly’s

We Buy, Sell & Trade Full Line Gun Smith Service New website coming soon!!

J.T. REID’S GUNS

Check us out!

86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

Holly’s

Out & About at on St. Patty’s Day

The Perfect Place to Dine anytime of the day!

Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

I love everything about this photo... except of course the flash streaking across my face.

It’s on me, guys!

Whatever you want!!

EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!

784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first.

– Lois Wyse

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Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Practices making fax and modem noises.

MATERIAL DELIVERIES GRAVEL • SAND • LOAM STONE • FILL MULCH

• LANDSCAPING

Luke & Terry Clavet

• PAVING • EXCAVATION • RETAINING WALLS • EMERGENCY WATER/SEWER REPAIRS • DEMOLITION • PARKING LOT REPAIRS

• Fully Insured • Certified in Erosion Control •

1331 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • lppoirier@myfairpoint.net Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Adjusts the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Samantha Dean & Kirstin Prue

Remodeling Your Kitchen or Bathroom?

FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED!

Looking good, even in disguise

Check out our showroom!

Over 110 granite and 300 quartz colors to choose from!

Family Owned & Operated

Celeste & Michael Onofrio O’Broad Street Band Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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786-5556 995 Center Street, Auburn • www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm

You Know youʼre getting older when... You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You Know youʼre getting older when... You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If "Down South" to you means Boston, You might live in Maine!

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you know "scat" is something you don't eat, You might live in Maine!

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: DRIVING RANGE

RESTAURANT

If you find -15 degrees "a little chilly", You might live in Maine!

MINI-GOLF

OPEN for the season April 14th!!

Burgers • Dogs L-A’s Be st Onion Rings Frie s • Ice Cre am

TABERS

Service Rental Sales

(Buster Downing)

Way

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

to

go!

on 40 years in business 1971-2011 With Love, Beth & Bradd

If you actually understand these jokes, and you cut them all out of Uncle Andyʼs Digest to send to all your Maine friends, You definitely live in Maine!

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Congrats Dad

Way to go!

Open 7 days a week!

Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake) Off Rt. 4 in Auburn

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

You Know youʼre getting older when... The waiter asks how you'd like your steak... and you say "pureed".

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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There is no better investment than a new kitchen or bath!

r t a u x o r e y f u nd wisely… e s U

Best flooring prices in town… why pay more?

Exclusive Dealer of

Todd Lebel Kitchen Design Specialist

Now Available Latest style of Cabinet Hardware makes cabinetry look updated and new.

Brass, Antique Brass, Burnished Metals, Ceramic and much more.

Large Selection of In-Stock 550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831

• Hardwood • Laminates • Ceramic Tile • Carpet Rems • Vinyl Rems Bound Rugs & Runners

www.shermarnolds.com NEW EXPANDED HOURS: Monday 8-7pm • Tues - Fri. 8-5pm • Sat. 9-2pm

You Know youʼre getting older when... The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

Plan Your Summer Projects Now!

Every band has its back up singers...

Commercial/Residential Hardscaping FULLY INSURED FREE ESTIMATES

Muti Sulfi & Dan Demers ...and its Groupies

Hardscaping will transform your property and add value!

Retaining Walls • Walkways & Steps • Brick Patios • Specialty Stonework •

Shawn Brown Project Manager 740-0560

Granite Curbing • Foundations • House Lots • Excavation • And more! •

Dan Carroll, Celeste Onofrio, Lisa Carroll & Mike Onofrio Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?

A: Hot, cross bunnies.

"The brain is like a muscle. When it is in use we feel very good.

Understanding is joyous."

– Carl Sagan Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?

36 Howes Corner Road, Turner • 344-5814 • donerighthardscape@yahoo.com

A: Two points, just like anyone else.

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Gas rig men grilled by villagers

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Pat, whadda say we buy the Bermuda Triangle? We could turn it into a tourist trap...

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. – Marcy DeMaree

Eggcettera Catering U N C LE A N D Y A P

Great idea hun, let me write up an offer.

Ken & Pat Long-Cressey in Bermuda

Trivia fans alike may all know that Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door; Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike Bar; Chuck Norris invented Texas; and last but not least, some people wear Superman pajamas...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

"I've always found that anything worth achieving will always have obstacles in the way and you've got to have that drive and determination to overcome those obstacles on route to whatever it is that you want to accomplish."

– Chuck Norris Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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If you’re too busy to cook and you don’t want fast food, try our

HOME-COOKED MEALS!

E PR O V D

For only $7 each, Dinner for 1-200.

and Dinner To Go

784-5544

Please order one day prior.

Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.

31 Leavitt Street, Auburn

See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com

(first left after the Minot Ave./Hotel Rd. intersection as you head toward Mechanic Falls)

Cash • Check • Major Credit Cards

Dinner To Go Sun.

Mon.

April Menu

Tue.

Wed.

Thu.

Please order one day prior. Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.

2

4

5

6

7

1

Fri.

Sat.

Baked Haddock w/ Seafood Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Slaw, Rolls

9

8

Shepherd’s Pie, Slaw, Spaghetti Beef Stroganoff Baked Beans, Hot Dogs, Salmon Pie, Rolls w/Meat Sauce, Green w/ Noodles, Carrots, Slaw, Rolls Potatoes, Peas, Rolls Beans, Rolls Rolls

10

11 Turkey w/ Stuffing, Potatoes, Peas, Rolls

17

18 Mac & Cheese, Hot Dogs, Green Beans, Rolls

24

25 Pot Roast, Potato, Gravy, Peas, Rolls

12

13

American Chop Suey, Roast Pork, Potatoes, Green Beans, Rolls Gravy, Baked Apples, Rolls

19 Broccoli Chix Alfredo w/Noodles, Salad, Rolls

26 Spaghetti w/Meatballs, Salad, Rolls

20 Beef Stew, Slaw, Biscuit

27 BBQ Pork Ribs, Scalloped Potato, Slaw, Rolls

14 Baked Ham w/Pineapple, Potato, Carrots, Rolla

21 Green Bean Chix Casserole w/Noodles, Salad, Rolls

28 Smothered Beef, Potato, Broccoli, Rolls

15

16

Baked Haddock w/Seafood Stuffing, Potatoes, Slaw, Rolls

22

23

Salmon Pie, Mashed Potatoes, Slaw

29

30

Fish Chowder, Slaw, Rolls

See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com "The reason you are stronger when you are younger is that you need to be.

Mostly because you are more stupid." – Henry Miller

"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?" - Robert Orben

Odd Phrases Where did they come from?

The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic Church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.

Odd Phrases Where did they come from?

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

"You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime."

– Dave Barry

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific.

When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

– Dale Carnegie

What the heck – Build a deck!

My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

New Homes, Sun Rooms, Garages

Where did they come from?

Call us for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." – Rita Mae Brown

Odd Phrases

The expletive, "Holy Toledo," refers to Toledo, Spain, which became an outstanding Christian cultural center in 1085.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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This Side A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

Love is insanity with a collaborator.

WE’VE GOT HANDGUNS! HUGE SELECTION! FREE Bottle of Pepper Spray

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest - and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"

In 1926, the movie Don Juan opened. It set a record by featuring 127 kisses in one movie, the most thus far for a single movie. Another source says that John Barrymore, as Don Juan, actually planted 191 kisses in that movie.

Support local businesses.

Use our advertisers!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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with any handgun purchase!

Just a small sample of our inventory

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at

Rt. 4 • Turner, ME

225-3432

Just past Twitchell’s Airport

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

g3firearms@megalink.net

Adam Dow & Tina Croteau at Marcelʼs Barber Shop in New Auburn

LYAF donates $1,700 to Lewiston High School Cheering

Accepting the donation on behalf of the LHS cheering team are cheer members: (left to right) Rebecca Lessard (Senior Captain), Jennifer Roy (assistant coach), Jane Burns (LYAF manager), Abby Campbell, & Kara Barnies.

Jane E. Burns, Manager of LYAF, a bingo organization that operates Tuesday through Friday nights at the Pleasant Street Hall in Lewiston, presents the LHS Competition Cheering Team with a check to cover the costs of a “State Champion” jacket for each member of the Team. On February 12th LHS competition team took first place at states earning them a spot to compete at New England’s in Rhode Island on March 19th. Thanks to LYAF the team will walk in wearing matching State Champion Jackets. FMI on sponsoring LHS cheer boosters visit www.lewistoncheer.org

"Never judge a book by its movie" – J.W. Eagan

Assisted Home Care

Ant Facts The Slave-Maker ant is so named because it raids the nest of other ants and steals their pupae. Once the pupae hatch, they are made to work as slaves.

CNA’s

“To do is to be.”

– Descartes

GREAT PAY & FLEXIBLE HOURS • BASE PAY $13.00 PER/HR Weekend Shift Differentials

“Do be do be do...”

– Frank Sinatra

Tired of the Same Old Same Old? Come Join Our Team!

If you’re interested in flexible hours and varied assignments, all with an excellent support system, contact us!

Nancy Merrill: Administrator Heather Trainer: Director of Nursing

Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston

783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

If you want to get the best out of someone, you must look for the best that is in them.

“To be is to do.”

– Voltaire

Ant Facts Ants make up 1/10 of the total world animal tissue. The total biomass of all the ants on Earth is about equal to the total biomass of all the people.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

Ant Facts By combining force of numbers with organized aggression, ants have become the greatest insect killers on Earth -- even of their own kind.

I've got stained glass windows in our house.

Stupid pigeons.

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"Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged."

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

– Helen Keller

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, You might live in Maine!

If God wanted you to talk more than he wanted you to listen, he would have given you two mouths and only one ear!

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them, You might live in Maine!

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

– Oprah Winfrey

Find us & like us on FACEBOOK Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Lies may have speed, but truth has endurance.

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. – Author Unknown

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn't even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, "I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"

Girl Scouts

I’m Daniel’s biggest fan! He could probably hear me screaming for him over the engine noise!!

Bringing Home the Hardware from the snowmobile races in Turner I’d like to dedicate this trophy to my biggest fan... my little bro, Chris!

Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Scouts in 1912 in Savannah, Georgia. From the original 18 girls, Girl Scouting has grown to 3.7 million members. Girl Scouts is the largest educational organization for girls in the world and has influenced the more than 50 million girls, women and men who have belonged to it.

Sit-Up Record

Christopher & Daniel Boyd

In 2002, Edmar Freitas, a Brazilian weight-training instructor, completed 111,000 sit-ups in 24 hours to break the former record of 103,000 set by American champion Bill Evans. In 2003, he reportedly broke his own record by 6 hours and nearly 23,000 sit-ups, for a total of 133,986 in 30 hours.

Sons of Jason & Jennifer Boyd

"I'm sorry to write such a long letter, but I didn't have time to write a short one." – Pascal

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The Rules of Chocolate If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

STARBUCKS®, APPLEBEE’S®, AND A NEW CREDIT UNION

CAN FIT ON THIS LOT... TOGETHER!

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?

A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

The Rules of Chocolate

2 miles from Poland Spring Inn!

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, You might live in Maine!

The Rules of Chocolate Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." – Robert Frost

Primeor Spons

UNCLEANDYS.COM

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

Shirley King Belanger Realty 998-4516

Your lakefront & residential specialist!

Become a sponsor!

Your $100 donation gets you signage on a Tee or Green the day of the golf tourney PLUS this ad spot!

Minot Country Store

Poland Regional High School Knights Baseball

GOLF TOURNAMENT Saturday, May 21, 2011 12:00 noon check-in • 1:00 p.m. start time

Fairlawn Golf & Country Club in Poland Contests • 50/50

174 Minot Ave., Minot

Become a sponsor!

Your $100 donation gets you signage on a Tee or Green the day of the golf tourney PLUS this ad spot!

Heating Oil • Kerosene • Propane Equipment Sales & Service

177 Turner St. Auburn • 783-1481 www.deadriver.com

Registration and payment must be received

by May 18th!

Premium Quality Hardwood Logs & Veneer

www.miveneer.com

Become a sponsor!

Your $100 donation gets you signage on a Tee or Green the day of the golf tourney PLUS this ad spot!

Teams of four $50 per player $200 team Includes greens fees, cart and dinner!

782-0650

MICHIGAN VENEER

Prizes Prizes include include a 2011 2011 Toyota Toyota Yaris Yaris from from Emerson Emerson Toyota, Toyota, Golf Golf Clubs, Clubs, aa Trip Trip to to Hilton Hilton He ad, and more!

EMERSON TOYOTA

To register, please contact Colleen Quint at 754-1356 or cquint@mitchellinstitute.org

212 Center St. Auburn

784-4444

Become a sponsor!

Your $100 donation gets you signage on a Tee or Green the day of the golf tourney PLUS this ad spot!

225-3030 www.kkexcavation.com

Get your team together and join us for a fun day of golf!

Chinese Numbers The number 3 in Chinese rhymes with the word "growth" and the number 8 rhymes with the Chinese word for prosperity. Thus, the eighth day of the third month is an auspicious time for beginning new projects destined for growth and prosperity.

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

In 1986, the National Football League first approved the use of instant replay to decide questionable calls by the referees. They later cancelled replay, only to bring it back for the 1999 season. Although there may be no plays to have instant replay for this year (lockout).

"When I chased after money, I never had enough. When I got my life on purpose and focused on giving of myself and everything that arrived into my life, then I was prosperous."

– Wayne Dyer "Mishaps are like knives that either serve or cut us as we grasp them by the blade or handle."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." – Erma Bombeck

WEBSTER’S TRADING CO. BUY • SELL • TRADE • PAWN 150 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-6402

Need a loan?

Call us!

We now rent Budget Trucks!

Get a quote from another company, bring it to us

& WE’LL BEAT IT!

WE’RE ALWAYS BUYING AND SELLING! Gold, silver, firearms, estates or anything you might think has value!

Stop in – Let’s talk!! www.websterstradingcompany.com

– James Russell Lowell Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.

"If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven." – Will Rogers

Out & About on Santa Marie Island in Florida

Building or Remodeling??

at DʼCoy Ducks

Check out our Showroom!!

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M-F 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

Maine Seasonal Pest Control Andrew Ferguson Master Applicator

(207) 346-1678 MESeasonalPest@aol.com Lic # CMA44691/7A7B7E

Paul Frechette, Barry Hynes, Special Guest Roger Renaud & Kendall Jackson

The Rules of Chocolate If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.

Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

516 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 784-1993 LewistonPaint.com M-F 7 am - 5 pm • Sat 7:30 am - 1 pm

The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.

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shindaiwa

655-4635

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Mr. Fix It Home Maintenance & Repairs Kitchen & Bath Remodeling Decks Walkways Carpentry Painting “You name it, we do it!”

Flooring Yard work Mowing Fencing

320-0628

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul" – George Bernard Shaw

Jaiden & James Mercer

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Teacher: Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the field” Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

– Albert Einstein

Get it GONE NOW!!

Teacher: Why?

• Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away…

• We bust our butts so you don’t have to!

Student: Ladies first.

Spring is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!

The Rules of Chocolate Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others.

– Thomas Kempis

Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!!

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs CALL US FOR A FREE QUOTE!

Farrell Enterprises Over 65?

Ask about senior discounts.

Fully Insured Call for FREE Quote!

782-5300 or 576-2501

Freedom of the press belongs to the man who owns the press.

OUT ʼN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE Happy Spring Digesters! April is upon us and I hope you have managed to stay away from the grasp of cabin fever. I strongly suggest you take the opportunity that this spring season has bestowed upon you to drive your old motorcycle down to L-A Harley Davidson and pick out a new hog for you and the Misses. Or possibly you and the mister, but ladies please get him a side car, don’t make him sit behind you. No one wants to pull up behind a new Harley from L-A Harley and have a firsthand view of the muffin top he has been working on all winter.

I miss my spring evenings in Maine… I would take a ride around Lake Auburn. There is nothing quite like cruising past the lake feeling the cool, crisp air rolling off the water, maybe even stop off at Tabers for a quick bite to eat and hit a bucket of balls…I hear they’re opening April 14th. I can recall driving by one of my many dream homes out by Twitchell’s airport. I have yet to buy my dream home in Maine but I am working on it, and word has it that Debbie Bodwell at RMS Mortgage is working wonders with mortgages. So, if you are even thinking of purchasing a home or property and claiming your piece of the American Dream, I strongly suggest you give her a call, she is a fellow Digester and we all know that Digesters take care of one another.

I want to close with a special thanks to my Digesters at Day’s Jewelers. I still to this day buy every piece of jewelry, no matter how big or small from Day’s (usually always small cuz I’m a tad on the broke side). Jessica and Sherry always take the best care of me. So, if you’re shopping for something shiny, go visit my friends at Day’s Jewelers!

Thanks again Ladies!!! And remember it’s springtime “Let’s Play Ball”!! Until the next volume, Happy Digesting!!!!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day that they completely miss today's sunshine.

For every person with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

Choose Any Energy Star Efficient Washing Machine or Refrigerator and take

$

50 OFF 1822 Lisbon Road • Lewiston, ME (207) 786-5555 67 Centre Street • Bath, ME Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963

Ant Facts Workers in an ant colony only live for about 45-60 days, but a colony's queen can live up to 20 years.

When baby sharks are born, they swim away from their mothers right away and are on there own. In fact, their mothers might see them as prey.

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once, You might live in Maine!

Ant Facts The animal with the largest brain in proportion to its size is the ant. They are the smartest species of insects with about 250,000 brain cells.

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

When there are too many cooks in the kitchen, the chef will walk out.

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend, You might live in Maine!

In 1999, Legoland California opened, featuring cityscapes of New York City, Washington DC, and San Francisco as well as animals, vegetables, and more - all built with Legos!

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Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant." – Jane Sellman

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching and keep drinking coffee, You might live in Maine!

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road.

- Henry Ward Beecher "Never bear more than one trouble at a time.

Some people bear three kinds - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have."

Out & About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston on St. Patty’s Day!

Kora Highlanders

– Edward Everett Hale

The Rules of Chocolate

There she is!

Guys, someone is missing...

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma.

– Teresa Bloomingdale "It wasn't by accident that the Gettysburg address was so short."

– Ernest Hemingway Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MELANSON CONSTRUCTION, INC. 84 No Name Pond Road, Lewiston, ME • 784-5899

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Call for FRimEatEes Est

784-5899 "Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you." – Joey Adams

"If you want to test your memory, try to remember what you were worrying about one year ago today." – E. Joseph Cossman

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison, You might live in Maine!

The Rules of Chocolate If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce, You might live in Maine!

The Rules of Chocolate The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine: 800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in Maine!

Whenever you fall, pick something up.

– Oswald Avery

"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope." – Sir Winston Churchill

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day."

– Sally Koch

Vitamin D Made Here!

Tanning Packages Available Daily Specials Call FMI

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April 21st Open House Welcoming Xtreme Self Defense Get Fit-N-Fabulous UNLIMITED CARDIO Now Just $50/MONTH Try our Sauna & Massages, too!!

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Mon.-Sat. 9:30am-8pm Sun. 12:30-5:30pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

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The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes before the lesson.