Uncle Andy's Digest - April 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!

.com

FREE April 2014

Blossom with Fresh Smiles!

• Preventative dentistry - cleanings and fillings • Cosmetic dentistry - whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more • Orthodontics: Invisible Braces and 6 Month Smiles available • We accept most insurances*

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 Millett Drive, Auburn

784-1577 Taylorbrookdental.com *All Insurances Billed We participate with CIGNA, Delta Dental--PPO & State of Maine.

0% Financing Available!

Armandsab@aol.com

The word "listen " contains the same letters as the word "silent".

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA April 2014 Saturday, April 5th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper 4:30 – 6:30pm (Chapter 14437) 1462 Lisbon St, Lewiston $5 Member; $6 Guest Sunday, April 6th Sabattus American Legion Breakfast 7:30 – 10am Post 135, Island Rd., Sabattus $5 Member; $6 Guest Thursday, April 10th The Green Ladle @ Noon (Chapter 14346) 156 East Ave, Lewiston High School $8 Member; $8.50 Guest Saturday, April 12th KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper @ 5pm 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Sunday, April 13th KC Breakfast 8 – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest; Child / 10 free

Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston

Timoth hy Graham* 207--892-0302 Sttandish

Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick

Tuesday, April 15th Center Street Café 7 – 10am (Chapter 8609) 945 Center St, Auburn $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Tuesday, April 22nd Dairy Queen 4 – 7pm (Chapter 12749) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Sunday, April 27th KC Breakfast 8 – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest; Child / 10 free

Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 207 782 8823 Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche* C 207--783-8921 207 783 8921 Leewiston

Jean Fournier 207 784 5453 207-784-5453 Lewiston

Wednesday, April 30th Grid Iron 4 – 7pm (Chapter 10589) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member; $8.50 Guest Wednesday, April 30th Yianni's 11:30am - 1pm (Chapter 10929) Main St, So Paris $5 Member; $5.50 Guest

Patrick Linehan* Liinehan* 207-465-4800 Oakland

Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston

Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway

De Deb eb Wagemann* ChFC 207-783-8804 Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

The word 'Checkmate' in chess comes from the Persian phrase 'Shah Mat,' which means 'the king is dead'.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays).

Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO Carpe Diem

UNCLE ANDY The Original Selfie

The word 'set' has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

MAGGIE MAY Pain Manager

THOMAS Quoth the raven nevermore

JUNE Surrounded by Words

TANMAN Timing Each

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

Delivery

GENE-O Racing Against Time

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2014

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I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

What a Tool Submitted by Ron Hood

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

Why not use your Income Tax Return and save BIG!

WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONE’S BUDGET!

995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100

Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops

Bruce

Quartz Counter tops starting at $54.99/ LF Installed!

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Stacy

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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Goobers All Around Submitted by Maggie May

Jimbo, Uncle Andy and Thomas escaped from prison.

They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, so they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunnysacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn.

The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Featuring

131Vendors Open

7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him, just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them... so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had Jimbo in it, and he went "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.

Then he kicked the one with Uncle Andy in it and he went "Meow."

The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.

Then he kicked the one with Thomas in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the goober said "Potatoes."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2014

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s Alway g n i y u B

Next to the Undercover Flea Market

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

207-595-7774

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE!

20% - 75% OFF

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Out ’n About at Cole Farms Pub featuring Chad Porter

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. Who is the real hero?

We’re thinking Chad would clean house on The Voice!

PRE-SEASON SAVINGS 8th Annual

20% OFF

POOL SCHOOL

April 1st - May 3rd

Call to reserve your seat.

May 9th

Chemicals

www.abcpool.com

1975 Lisbon St., Rte. 196, Lewiston Just 2 miles East of Exit 80 Open Year Round, Since 1962

Mon - Fri 9-5 • Sat 9-4

783-0858

1-800-244-0858

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana.

I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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The Scarecrow got promoted to the supermarket... He was outstanding in his field.

GOOD EATS!

Counseling Services New Group Sessions starting soon: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Japanese • Korean Thai • Sushi

Coping Skills Group for Teens

Call or visit our Facebook page FMI 730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza • 376-4855

Andy Jarman, LCPC 1288 Roosevelt Trail, Suite 5B, Raymond • 624-1132

Seeing Red

$

5

OFF Purchase of $ 20 or more

✃

Limit one per visit

jasminecafemaine.com

Expires 4.30.14

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl.

As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.

Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"

To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2014

783-7039

Established in 1984

All Come With New Inspection, 14-Day Plate and Warranty

353-2538 28 Soper Road, Durham

NEVER A DOC FEE!!

“We’ll make it worth your ride down!”

Over 60 Cars, Trucks, and SUVs From $2,995 to $29,995!

Always a couple of Harley Davidsons for sale!

jandrautodurham.com

Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”.

See Us For All Your Fabric & Metal Fabrication From repairs to large projects! We can do it!

• Canvas • Upholstery • Metal Fabrication

• Residential/Commercial Awnings

Canvas & Upholstery 41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

783-5600 Ask your pizza delivery guy for a joke, and he’ll probably deliver.

Spring & Summer dates are filling fast - Book NOW!

Weddings • Summer Parties Reunions Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!

Professional service at an affordable price We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

Dad’s Place Catering Division 345-9009

DadsPlace.info

FREE

COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

ONLY There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

$5

Out ’n About at Jack Marsh’s 90th Birthday Party

'Underground' is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters 'und.'

Sasseville Chiropractic

The great thing about being 90?

No peer pressure!

Wellness Center 416 Sabattus Street Lewiston “New location, same great care!”

Serving the L/A area for over 10 years

Accepting New Patients!

Call TODAY!!

777-3333 Jack Marsh 90 Years Young

Jennifer Reynolds Jack’s Granddaughter

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

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Dr. Ted Stratman & Dr. Chandra Sasseville welcome Dr. Grant Lemire to the team.

How it all started: “I was 10 years old when I first saw a chiropractor.

I had been suffering with headaches, acute migraines, numbness in the right upper half of my body, gastrointestinal reflux, chronic ear infections, and strep throat. I had seen every kind of doctor from my PCP to a neurologist, GI specialist, allergists, ENT, you name it. I had the works: MRI, cat scan, nerve tests, endoscopy, tubes in the ears, adenoids removed, failed attempt of removing my tonsils and the list goes on. At one point the doctors were thinking I was making it up to gain attention.

My day consisted of being woken up, given a pill box for all my drugs (at one point I was on over 6 different drugs for reasons unknown), and I was lucky if I was able to make it through one full day of school. I remember coming home, going to bed, being woken up to eat, and then going back to bed. That was what my life had come to. No playing with friends, teachers had excused me from homework assignments, and I was unable to play sports. It wasn’t until the pharmacist said to my mom that I should not be on this many medications without any known cause of my symptoms and I should see a chiropractor. My mom was surprised that a chiropractor could even help. It was this pharmacist who literally saved my life.

My first chiropractic visit, I remember it like it was yesterday. He pushed on different points of my spine and literally reiterated all my different

symptoms. I remember asking my mom to make him stop. He looked at me and smiled, ‘You’re a chiropractor’s dream’, he said. He then went over my x-rays and explained to us how my spine was out of alignment, so my nerves were not functioning correctly. If my nerves were not functioning correctly, the decrease in function in certain parts of my spine can cause certain symptoms like I had been experiencing.

I saw the chiropractor initially quite often, as he needed to reiterate and reeducate my muscle and realignment.

Slowly, one by one, I started getting off the drugs and my symptoms started to disappear. Before I knew it I was off the drugs completely, no longer had to see the specialists or perform any test, and I was seeing the chiropractor once a month or as needed. I was making it through a full day of school, playing with friends after school, able to get involved with sports, and excelling as an adolescent. I could never thank the pharmacists enough to speak up the way he did to my mom and I can never give back to chiropractic what it has given me.

It will be my lifelong mission to do to others and provide them chiropractic the way it has been provided to me.”

—Dr. Chandra Sasseville

Call 777-3333 Today To Get On Your Road To Wellness!

I crush cans at a recycling facility, I’d be happier about my job if it wasn’t soda pressing!

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Mike Morin’s

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

April Begins

Our 19th YEAR! Front end alignments for ONLY

$79.95!

WHAT A DEAL!

Mike Morin

OIL CHANGE

$24.95 Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

Cigars are back!

Stop in and check out our great selection!

J.T. REID’S GUNS Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

We buy, sell & trade Full Line Gunsmith Service

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big Trouble. You have my Word!

2nd Annual Renee’s 5K Run / Walk & PHun Walk (for patients & supporters) JOIN US for a fun Community Race to raise money and awareness for a GREAT cause!

On Sunday, May 4, 2014 the 2nd Annual Renee’s 5K Run / Walk & PHun Walk will be held at the Lisbon Community School at 33 Mill Street in Lisbon. All age groups are encouraged to participate.

Proceeds of the race will be donated to UPHill Journeys in honor of Renee Brodeur.

Renee was a young woman from Lisbon who fought Pulmonary Hypertension (PH) and was a blessed recipient of a double lung transplant in June, 2011.

Ultimately, Renee’ lost her valiant battle with PH in April, 2012. Her amazing spirit carries all of us through with this event.

Uphill Journeys is a Maine Medical program that provides support to patients who experience transplant-related and other financial expenses related to Pulmonary Hypertension (PH).

Online registration for the 5K is available at www.runinarace.com/Renee.

Pre-registration is $20. Registration fees on the day of race $25. TEAMS are ENCOURAGED to participate and raise money.

For teams contact renees5k@gmail.com There will also be a PHun Walk Starting at 12:30 for patients, supporters and children. No registration fees.

Free T-shirts for the first 50 registrants. T-shirts will also be available for sale the day of event for $10. Overall male and female winners will receive a $50 gift certificate to LL Bean and age groups are: 13-19, 2029, 30-39, 40-49, 50-59, 60-69, 70 and above will be recognize with certificates. There will be prize drawings for all participants and you must be present to win.

Come Join Us & celebrate our 2nd Annual Event!

Out ’n About at Jack Marsh’s 90th Birthday Party

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

APRIL IS BO The Back Forty Used

I may not always walk as fast as Jack, but when I do I prefer my golf shoes.

Marty Dow Former UAD Delivery Expert

Life is good as a singer!

2004 Honda Accord

2010 Lexus RX

2011 Toyota Sienna

2013 Ford Focus S

Blue, 2.4, Manual 34 MPG, 63k

White, 350, Auto, 36k

Silver,3.5L V6, Auto.

6spd., 62k

Silver, 2.0L 4cyl., 5-speed, FWD, 10k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$20,995

$13,888

$25,995 $29,998 2011 Toyota Rav 4 Limited

2012 Ford Focus

2011 Honda Pilot EX

2009 Honda Odyssey

Black, 2.5L 4cyl, Auto, 4WD, 35k

Blue Candy Metallic, 2.0L 4cyl., Auto., 57k

Black, 3.5L V6, Auto, FWD SUV, 76k

3.5L V6, Auto., FWD minivan, 73k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$22,995

$13,995

$18,995

$19,995

Anna Grace Duff "I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but decided I will get a tan instead."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2014

783-7039

When in doubt, mumble.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.

OUNTIFUL! d Car & Truck Center

Out ’n About at Jack Marsh’s 90th Birthday Party O Canada, we stand on guard for thee...

2012 Mitsubishi Lancer

2011 Toyota Camry

2010 Nissan Maxima

2013 Chevrolet Tahoe

Silver, 4WD, Hatchback, 28k

Sandy Beach Metallic, 2.5L 4cyl., 24k

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

Silver, 5.3L V8, 6 speed, 4WD, 10k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$14,995

$14,995

$19,995

$38,888

2011 Hyundai Sonata GLS

2011 Hyundai Sonata Limited

2013 Honda CRV EX

2012 Jeep Wrangler Sport

Mike & Madeline Duff

Tipping the Scale Submitted by Thomas Hill

Silver, 2.4L 4cyl, Auto., 30k

Shimmering White, 2.4L 4cyl., 55k

Kona Coffee Metallic, Auto, 14k

Deep Cherry Pearl, 3.6L, V6, 4WD, 19k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$13,995

$16,995

$24,995

$21,995

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.

"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."

"Yeah", his wife nodded, "And it has your weight wrong, too."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 13

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

I’m hearing this magazine is all the rage around town.

If it wasn’t before, it is now!

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

$

12

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

Strike a Pose!

Kiley Plourde, age 3. Daughter of Tiffany Churchill & Justin Plourde

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, “Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.”

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

e o m r o d l o l R

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

ULE SPRING SCHED+ 7:30-10pm

ts - Ages 20 Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: t 7:30 - 10pm - Family Nigh ts gh Saturday Ni 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night cation week

Man says, “Why?” The doctor says, “I don't like my neighbors.”

School Va sessions for4:00pm Open extra 1:30 to

Spring Fever?

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

Available for private parties

Closed day Easter Sun 12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

COME IN & TURN UP THE HEAT!

Mon: Tues: Wed: Thurs: Fri: Sat: Sun:

Join Our Mug Club 21 Draft beers

Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings!

Burger Nights w/2 sides . .$6.99 . . . . . .Pitchers $8.00 Open Mic Night . . . . . . . .$2.00 PBR Whiskey Drinks $1.00 off . .50¢ Wings . . .$5.00 Martinis Happy Hour! . . . . . . . . . .$2.00 Drafts Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Home Cooked Meals: Pot Roast, Meat Loaf, Turkey Dinners

the Home of Co. Engine er Burg

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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783-7039

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

Center Street Dental

If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

Benefit for

Michelle Lemieux Daughter of Bobby and Vicki Lussier

Your breath stinks and you know it!

Bad breath, or halitosis, is a common problem that can be embarrassing to discuss, but is a real concern that should be addressed. Bad breath can be caused by a variety of factors:

50/50 & Raffles

Kids are Welcome 5-7.

•••

We are accepting items for the raffle table.

Donations are warmly accepted as well.

There will be NO SMOKING from 4:30 to midnight.

Smoking is permitted outside only.

On December 6, 2013, Michelle Lemieux, a wonderful mother and loving wife was diagnosed with two types of Breast Cancer, Ductal Carcinoma in situ (DCIS) and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Two months later, she began her battle and road to recovery.

Most importantly, we’re asking for your prayers for Michelle and to share her story. Secondly, we are raising money for Michelle and her family to not only offset medical cost but allow them the ability to make the most of this time.

Please help us not only meet our goal, but far exceed all hopes!

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street New Auburn

Saturday, April 19, 2014 5-7 Spaghetti Dinner $5

8-12 Live Band: L/A Harley

Contact Joe Walker at 520-9130 for any questions.

If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

1. Leftovers in your mouth Proper brushing and flossing twice daily is essential to reduce bacteria and food particles that remain between the teeth and gums, which is a major cause of bad breath. Just imagine a piece of food lingering between your teeth for weeks until you floss it out!

2. Your dirty tongue The surface of the tongue has tiny fibers that trap food and bacteria. To remove debris, simply brush the tongue daily with a soft bristle toothbrush or tongue cleaner. Tongue cleaners come in many shapes and sizes.

3. A mouth like the desert Dry mouth is a side effect of many medications. Saliva acts as a natural oral cleanser, helping to rinse the oral cavity.

With limited salivary production, this cleansing mechanism becomes ineffective. Dry mouth gels, drops, and rinses help increase saliva production.

It is our goal to have open discussions with patients about all aspects of oral health, so don't be embarrassed to talk with your dentist or hygienist at your next visit!

Please see our ad on page 48.

Out ’n About at Cole Farms Pub featuring Chad Porter

“An optimist is the human personification of Spring.” Susan J. Bissonette

OPENING FOR THE SEASON Apr il 17t h

What a great little pub! Classy, friendly atmosphere.

We’ll be back for sure!

Golf opening weather permitting

TABERS

Re staurant • Mini Golf • Dri ving Range

Hang on girls, I’m gonna sing a tune with Chad...

Second Place Idiot

Open 7 days a week!

Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake) Off Rt. 4 in Auburn

www.tabersgolf.com

been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

Submitted by Jimbo

"Why would I come in second?"

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always

"Because you're an idiot!"

about us...

Tell a friend opy ab another c Heck, just gr them! and give it to

...So I'm gonna sit right here On the edge of this pier Watch the sunset disappear And drink a beer...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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April 2014

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“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.”

– Mark Twain

You can’t have your cake and eat it too? It’s cake! Eat It!!

Proud Papas Submitted by Thomas Hill

Ca Your Ap ll for point Today! ment

TOMORROW’S TECHNOLOGY TODAY! Treat your scars, wrinkles, fine lines, saggy skin and stretch marks NOW!!

Microneedling stimulates the body’s natural healing response.

The end result is firmer, smoother, tighter skin.

We also offer: Tattoo Removal Targeted Fat Reduction Advanced Technology Facials (with Hyrdofacial MD) 34 Center St., Auburn • 207.333.3069 • YourBestSkinOfMaine.com When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn't Starbucks, it was four bucks!

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR Get your car fixed at A-Plus Auto Repair before I unleash these Karate chopping hands on you!

Located @ 747 Minot Ave. in Auburn (Behind Fastenal Services)

• Computer Diagnostics • Maine State Inspection Station • Brake Pads & Rotors

• Shocks & Struts • Oil Changes • Exhaust Repair • $50/hr Labor Rate Bring in this ad & receive

A-Plus Auto Repair 747 Minot Ave, Auburn

Chance

786-0522

10% OFF Your✃ Total bill!

Expires 4.30.14

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying?"

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up!" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 17

Feline Physics Laws

What did cured ham actually have?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. (continued on next page)

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Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.

(continued from previous page)

Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

You’ll be smiling too after our daddy fixes your car at a reasonable price!

Law of Cat Acceleration

Marek & Mallory

Easter Sunday April 20th Free Meal Ham Dinner w/ ALL the Trimmings 12-2pm

Law of Cat Elongation

Fundraiser for Michelle Lemieux Saturday, April 19th L/A Harley Band 8-12pm Spaghetti Dinner 5-7pm $5 Donation Member meeting April 29th at 6:00pm Guest speaker: Jonathan Lebonte

Home of the Safety Cameras

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance A cats resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

We install Rearview Back-up Cameras!

Remote Starters 216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339 • SoundEffectsMaine.com (Next to Republic Jewelry • Parking in back of building)

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? – George Carlin

Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. (continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page)

Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

– Comedian Mike Birbiglia

Got Sand?

HUGE SALE NOW GOING ON! What the pros use!

Stop in or call for more information & pricing!

REGGIE’S SALES & SERVICE Your Local Four Season Power Equipment Dealer Where the Pros shop!

1334 Minot Ave, Auburn • 783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, Friday 7:00 am - 6:00 pm • Saturday 8:00 am - 1:00 pm

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” – Anne Bradstreet

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

$10 off for ANY Service with Coupon!

Trivia

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

A: A stapler

782-6666 or 783-2026

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Scooter

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

What if soy milk is really just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Spring is here!

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

Time to get your car or truck in for professional detailing. Protect your vehicle from the elements.We offer complete vehicle detailing.

Call for our specials!

782-6515

1111 Center Street, Auburn

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

– Marty Allen

Out ’n About at Jack Marsh’s 90th Birthday Party

Weight For Help Submitted by Jimbo

Somewhat skeptical of his son's new found determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."

"I don't know, Michael.

It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.

"They're not cheap either," the father came back.

"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

Pfffft...

Big deal. It’s only 90 human years!

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

I just pulled out my old chess set and found several of the small pieces missing.

Jack Marsh & Molly I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.

It looks like I need to make a trip to the old Pawn Shop.

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Vintage Selfie

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.

WEBSTER’S TRADING CO. BUY • SELL • TRADE • PAWN 150 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-6402 Doctors Orders Submitted by Jimbo

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately.

The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

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Need a loan?

We’ll buy, trade, pawn your gun collection!

HUGE SELECTION OF GUNS

We Rent Budget Trucks!

Get a quote from another company, bring it to us 783-3419

& WE’LL BEAT IT!

WE’RE ALWAYS BUYING AND SELLING! Gold, silver, firearms, estates or anything you might think has value!

Stop in – Let’s talk!! www.websterstradingcompany.com I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

No doubt about it! Shovels are groundbreaking!

We have the loan for you!

No appointment necessary!

Auto • Mortgage • Recreational • Personal

We’re home of the one hour loan!

Call Michelle, Dane or Ken today!

Competitive Low Rates • Fast Approvals Extended Terms

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

Affordable Office Solutions considers themselves a unique and environmentally friendly company providing the widest selection of Office Furnishings and custom office interior solutions in Maine.

They're a full service dealer, now located at 550 Lisbon Street in Lewiston (former Sherm Arnold’s location) and have a client base as far north as Bangor and as far south as Metro Boston.

Some of the services they provide: • 30,000 sq. ft. showroom stocked with New and Used products • Full service dealer with factory trained technicians • Delivery, Installation and reconfiguration services • Space planning and design • Fully staffed and equipped refurbishing shop with custom modification capabilities • Largest supply of Herman Miller AO-1, AO-2 and Steelcase M-Wall available in the state. Our knowledgeable staff also has extensive experience with the refurbishing of SC9000, Haworth, Knoll and Teknion products.

• Liquidation services (Limited to Herman Miller, Steelcase Systems, general desks and seating) • Leasing available Affordable Office Solutions is also the Maine franchise for OFUSA; “Office Furniture USA.” See the online catalog at ofusa-ecatalog.com. Other options provided to the end-user are our remanufactured Systems Furniture lines (Herman Miller AO-1, AO2 and Steelcase M-wall). Find them online at cubiclesinmaine.com.

If you have a specific need and don't see it on their website, CALL THE PROS at Affordable Office Solutions at 783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE. See their ad on pages 32 & 33.

Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 GreatFallsfcu.com Restrictions & qualification apply

I saw a criminal climbing out of his prison window! I thought it was a little condescending.

Al Mackey, owner

d d Sox an e R e h t atch ur Come w our 11 TV’s in o n r area! a Bruins o b . t f . q 00 s NEW 1,3

ap T n o s r e 16 Be L the Time! u AL

Full Men

Join us for

EASTER

DINNER

Springtime is GRILLING TIME!

Sunday, April 20th Make your reservations

Get your steaks here for your own grill at home!

NOW!

30% OFF

20% OFF

All Draft Beers

BURGERS

Every Monday in April

Every Monday in April

Mac’s Grill

I’m ready for some spring SOX games!

Bring on the sunshine!

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

macsgrill.com

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time. So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance." – Steven Wright

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE QUALITY WORKMANSHIP, OUTSTANDING SERVICE. BEST PRICES GUARANTEED!

SAVE $1,000! on any above ground pool See store for details

25% OFF Schedule your inground or above ground pool now for immediate installation!

WOW! 25 lb. Buckets of 3” Chlorine Tabs only

$

125 Give & Take

Y NOBOD BEATS OUR S! PRICE

Submitted by Jimbo

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood.

26 Year s Experie nce

POOLBB UILDERS OF AINE P OOL UILDERS OFMM AINE 1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.

Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

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Foolin’ Around!

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kids.

HOP

into our

A radio station announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.

The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.

People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.

Dance on April 26th

8:30pm – 12:30am Live music by:

Midlife Krisis

Food & Drink Specials • Bar Games Giveaways

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040 A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.

Spring kicks off here! Enjoy our food!

Daily Specials: Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99 ........................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: BLT Bowl of (Chili $3.99) ......................................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza

People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

April Fool's Day!

Get your fishing gear on!

He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore."

She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

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er

Jen, Brad, Kacie & Amb

Try us once, you’ll be a regular!

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus

375-8502

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

BUY 1 LARGE PIZZA

Expires 4.30.14

GET 1 FREE* Not to be combined with any other special *equal or lesser value

Dogs are forever in the push up position.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass.

You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

743-3891

Call us!

No Separating Required!

HARRIS BROS.

Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Twisted Scissors 9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston

312-5478

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com

Come Get Your NEW Spring Look!

Before

Color Special $10 Coupon

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

After

dbretonsuperclean@yahoo.com

Construction Clean-Up & Office Cleaning Property Maintenance • Painting • Reconditioning Hardwood Floors • Floor Stripping • Waxing & Buffing Pressure Wash Cleaning • Hood Cleaning • Window Cleaning

212-7003 No Job Too Big or Small

S A N I PLUS

Insured

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices!

Buying Single Items or Entire Estates!

386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com

Past 2 Present Furniture

Don’t Stress in that Dress!

VISIT RachelVerrillEvents.com or Call 740-1409

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

“She did our wedding. Absolutely AMAZING JOB! Highly recommended! Thank you for everything you made our special day so much better!"

– Josh Tice

Photo taken by La Belle Vue Photography

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

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Lingering Hug Submitted by Jimbo

We had made some changes in our lives.

My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Rolly’s Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

We come here quite often all the way from South Paris to enjoy the great food, atmosphere and friendly waitresses!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

Diner

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Paige & Larry Harthorne of South Paris

"No," came the reply.

"But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Witty Widget Submitted by Thomas Hill

While in the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

If you like meat, going vegetarian could be a missed steak.

Diagnosis Submitted bt Thomas Hill

Amazing Sequence Photography

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man.

"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

I went to an organic ice cream shop.

Their cone option were: Plain, Sugar, Waffle, and Pine.

I feel like I’m on top of the world right now!

VOTED #1: Best Sports Pub & Best Burgers in L/A area!

Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs!

O p e n 11 : 3 0 – c l o s e o n

Enjoy Our Summer Beers!

Now on tap...

Shipyard Summer Sam Adams Summer Shock Top

EASTER Join us for: Baked Ham Dinner Roast Stuffed Pork Baked Haddock

Full Menu Available ALL Day!

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com When you’ve lost Access to Microsoft Office, go Outlooking.

Rachel Nutting & Rachel Campbell after a work out Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 29

I. Q. Test

If you’ve got enough Monet to buy Degas to make this Van Gogh.

Submitted by Jimbo

Willow Tree Primitives

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

Hand-Made Items • Custom-Made Furniture • Linens • Rugs • Luminary Candles • Antiques • Prints • Byers Choice Carolers • Fabric Upholstered Furniture • Re-Upholstering Clubs • Willow Tree Angels Lay-a-ways • Private Parties • Punch Cards • Timer Candles Birthday Club • Senior Day • Monthly Drawing

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

754-8784 850 Main Street Lewiston, Maine 04240 Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm I must confess, I was born at a very early age. – Groucho Marx

Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce

Open Year Round 908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 783-7020 "I tried to walk into target and missed." – Mitch Hedberg

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Amazing Sequence Photography

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

Br i n g O n S pr in g !

Happy Easter & Happy Spring from all of us at the Village Inn

Join us for great food at reasonable prices, all the time!

The Lewiston branch of Redlon & Johnson, located at 3 Middle Street recently announced promotions within the company.

Tim Fox 26 year employee promoted to Branch Manager

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Pat Bolduc 17 year employee

When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.

promoted to Showroom Manager

Bill Eccleston 6 year employee Showroom Consultant

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

Redlon & Johnson offers extensive and dependable product and application knowledge; and dependable delivery. Whether you’re doing a remodel or new construction, be sure your contractor uses Redlon & Johnson for all your kitchen and bath fixtures. Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail.

In 1996 the former Hall & Knight Company (established 1889) was purchased by the Redlon & Johnson Company (established 1887). Visit them at 3 Middle Street in Lewiston or online at showroom.redlon-johnson.com. Call them at 784-5721.

See their ad on page 63.

Out ’n About at Sea 40 in Lewiston

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

AFFORDABLE OFFICE SOLUTIONS Maine’s OFUSA Dealer

Sea 40 needs to be on your regular stop list. The food is amazing!

Tailor-Made Submitted by Thomas Hill

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

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Affordable Office Solutions • 550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston (former She I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

Do You Need Help Getting Your Office Organized?

Out ’n About at Sea 40 in Lewiston Yep, we’ve got the good stuff.

The good stuff with attitude!

Come see us!!

Whether you ne ed a filing cabinet or a complete office redesign...

SEE THE PROS AT...

AFFORDABLE OFFICE SOLUTIONS Maine’s OFUSA Dealer

erm Arnolds Flooring & Kitchen) • www.cubiclesinmaine.com • 783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.

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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Cookies!

Submitted by Jimbo

WICKED GOOD FOOD ON YOUR WAY TO THE CASINO! Fuel up with some wicked-tasty, home-style food before betting big!

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch daily!

I can’t believe he ate the whole thing!

Kevin Pouliot of South Paris Conquer a full-size omelette and have your picture added to our Wall of Fame!

“Home of the Double Yolker”

Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

"What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

Car accidents, no problem!

We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.

"I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

Name Change Submitted by Thomas Hill

There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.”

A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.”

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Dogs on Light Bulbs Submitted by Thomas Hill

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me!

Pleeease let me change the light bulb!

Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

BATTERIES BATTERIES BATTERIES We appreciate your business!

Always paying the best prices!

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

TIME TO CA$H IN!

Bev, Gizzmo & Peter

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. (continued on next page)

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15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Mon - Fri 8:00am - 4:30pm

615-7057 Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

o

In 1907, an ad for Kellogg's Corn Flakes offered a free box of cereal to any woman who would wink at her grocer.

SPECIAL PRICING FOR ALUMINUM Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

#1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores

(continued from previous page)

Gary McCraw

Computer Board Scraps Brass • Alternators • Starters • Motors • Pumps

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

New Diet Submitted by Jimbo

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a threeweek diet.”

r

15 Pierce Street, Auburn

795-8887 Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his friend.

“Two weeks.”

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Out ’n About at Rainbow FCU’s 58th Annual Meeting

Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711 Marie & Mark Samson

or 1-800-339-0414

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette • Joline Waite

Check out our new website:

www.CummingsAgency.com

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

SPRING Phil Moreau with raffle winner, Laura Brown

appears to be in the air!

Strange Request Submitted by Thomas Hill

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!

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I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Family Friendly Dentist

Out ’n About at the Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center Open House

~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997

Accepting New Patients!

Laurie Ouellette & Dr. Chandra Sasseville with her daughter, Graceland

Uncle Andy looks like he’s way out of whack... in more ways than one!

James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122

Most Insurances Accepted

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Robyn Coleman

Audrey IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

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Out ’n About at Cole Farms Pub

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

featuring Chad Porter

YOU need to check out our Pub. It’s a happenin’ place!

Join us at our upcoming events:

Get MORE for your trade!

April 7–19 Super Tire Sale Unbeatable Prices 20-40% OFF

We have

mount and Balance only $19.95 (most Bikes)

150 preowned motorcycles in-stock

It’s a Fact It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

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READY TO RIDE!!

Saturday, April 12th 845 Main Street • Lewiston

MSF Permit Course $65

(207) 689-2345

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Annual Helmet Exchange Up to $100 credit for your old helmet

Saturday, April 26th MSF Permit Course $65

Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

d e c n e i r e p x E u o Y e v Ha

Out ’n About at Rainbow FCU’s 58th Annual Meeting

My little Buddy!

?

Phil Moreau, President/CEO with his grandson, Alex

t Open Mic Nigh7 pm

Every Wednesday

Night

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aid Ni

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ght

ight 7

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Japanese Cuisine

Submitted bt Thomas Hill

Uncle Andy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

Accepting Easter Reservations

Voted best International Restaurant AND Best Sushi Restaurant by Market Surveys of America!

Iron Man

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"Somebody stole my mood rings, and I don't know how I feel about that."

– Tracey Jordan

Jimbo says, "What happened to your ears?"

Uncle Andy replies, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."

Jimbo says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

"Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

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Burritos are like sleeping bags for ground beef.

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I saw a wino eating grapes. I said, “dude, you have to wait.”

I think i'm gonna go with a screen door, cuz it's open, but not for mosquitos.

Patience Submitted by Thomas Hill

Camp Connor FOR YOUTH DEVELOPMENT FOR HEALTHY LIVING FOR SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

SUN, FUN AND FRIENDSHIP

Co-ed day camp for kids entering grades 1-8.

Located on Lower Range Pond.

• FREE Pre & Post Camp Care • FREE Transportation • FREE Lunch • 9 weekly sessions each with a different theme.

Y Kids Camp Based at the Y for kids ages 5-8.

• Hours 6am – 6pm • FREE Lunch • Swimming Daily • Weekly Field Trips & More!

Teen Leadership Camp For teens entering grades 9 & 10. Build leadership skills while having fun! Those interested must apply - space is limited.

Next to County Building, Auburn • www.alymca.org • 795-4095

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

At the local grocery store a man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

Out ’n About at Cole Farms Pub

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the

featuring Chad Porter

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

(continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page)

woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Two people walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.

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SUN. Baked Scallops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/maple dijon butter

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WED. Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6.99 w/potato & rolls

THURS. New England Boiled Dinner . . . . .$9.99 w/ corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

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FRI. & SAT. Fried Haddock . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Prime Rib Au Jus . . .sm. $14.99 lg. $17.79

Join us on Friday & Saturday Nights for Live Music!

Happy Hour 3-6pm Daily 14 Beers on Tap! Full Bar!

We Now Accept Credit Cars!

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New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

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“The Difference is in the Details”

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Asperger syndrome is named for Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger, who described it in 1944. He called his patients "Little Professors."

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Want ATurnNEW Look for Spring?

Your Winter Blah’s into Spring Ahhh’s!

Styli st wanted!

Come in for a great experience in a positive energy salon!

Kim & Lisa would like to thank all of their current clients & new clients who have become part of the Allure Family.

185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200

Like us on Facebook • AllureStudioLewiston.com

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Friday – Sunday Surf & Turf (8oz sirloin) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99 Fried or Baked Scallops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99

Friday Fish & Chips . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

Monday & Tuesday 60¢ Wings & $3 - 25oz Domestic Drafts

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Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

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Wing Nut Submitted by Thomas Hill

A rich billionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

“I will give anything you desire of mine, to the first person who swims the length of that pool.”

The party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is Uncle Andy swimming as hard as he can. The fins come out of the water with their jaws snapping! He just keeps on going while the sharks gain on him.

Uncle Andy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The billionaire grabs the microphone and says, “I am a man of my word Uncle Andy, anything of mine I will give, my Ferrari, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. (continued on page 47)

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3rd Consecutive New England Title!

Bottom row: Cassie Regner, Erin Morris, Abbie Madden & Lily Fundis. 2nd row: Brianna Hull, Olivia Bergeron, Sadie Dulac, Sage Physic, Erika Thibault, Sierra Melanson, Nadine Jones, Tia Cortes & Meagan Murphy. Top row: Kaitlyn Beckwith, Hailee Ingerson, Maddie Leblond, Tawni Zamrock, Kyla Hill, Ali Porter, Morgan Allen, Taylor Hopkins & Andrea Bonin.

The Lewiston Blue Devils cheerleaders won their third consecutive New England Title in Lawrence, MA last month. Coach Lynnette Morency couldn’t be prouder. These Lewiston girls beat out Pinkerton Academy from Derry, NH to claim the hardware for the third year in a row. Pinkerton is a prep school who was seeking their seventh overall New England title in the eight year history of the event, winning three in co-ed and three in the all girls division.

Lewiston won big, 191.1 points to Pinkerton’s 184.8. Marshwood finished third with 180.2 points giving Maine two of the top three finishers.

Biddeford, Marshwood and Bangor all beat out Lewiston at the states, denying the Devils’ seniors a four year sweep. Only the fact that Biddeford had a male cheerleader, placing them in the co-ed division, allowed the Devils to defend their title. They certainly made the most of that opportunity.

Lewiston High School cheerleaders hard work has paid off big in recent history. Winning state titles in 2011, 2012 & 2013 and winning the New England Champion title in 2012, 2013 & 2014.

Congratulations, Lewiston High School Cheerleaders on your commitment to excellence! Great job!!

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The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION

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UAD expires 4.30.14

(continued from page 45)

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. – Errol Flynn

So, sir what will it be?” the billionaire asks.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy...sometimes I let my wife sleep in.

Uncle Andy grabs the microphone and says, “Why don't we start with the name of the jerk that pushed me in!”

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member...

I don't know how I get away with it.

THE 2ND AMENDMENT IS NOT ABOUT HUNTING Learn how to defend yourself and your family.

Watch our website & Facebook page for upcoming Advanced Pistol & Defensive Shotgun classes

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Under The Hood

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you lots and think of you often.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Bill was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted his richest customer, the famous heart surgeon Dr. Shepard. Bill, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Shepard, is that you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Bill was working on the car. Bill, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Shepard, very annoyed, shook his head and replied in a similar loud voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Out ’n About at Sea 40 in Lewiston

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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

The same person who sang "You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" was also the voice of Tony the Tiger (Thurl Ravenscroft).

Out ’n About at Sea 40 in Lewiston

While many believe Hydrox cookies are an Oreo knock-off, Hydrox actually came first in 1908, four years before the Oreo.

There really was a Captain Morgan. He was a Welsh pirate who later became the lieutenant governor of Jamaica.

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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

Out ’n About

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Aubrey & Lucas love to help mom, Mindy Fortin at Diamond Cut Jewelers in Oxford

Our dad may have won these tickets, but he’ll never find out that we claimed them and took a couple of friends to the game.

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includes: • SSN verification/Address Verification • InstaNation nal Criminal History • Maine SBI cri c minal history • Terrorist Watch W List • Interpol / FBI F Most Wanted • Sex Offende er/Violent Offender Search All States • Trans Union o Credit Report w/ credit score • National Ev viction Check (Civil courts, all states)

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05=,:;0.((;;065: 4Mid 4(05, Drug +9<.Screening :*9,,505.& Investigations 0+ Maine Service Drug Drug TTesting Company & Priv Private Investigator FFull ull u Service e esting C Compan ny & va ate Inv ve estigator

577-6000 •w. wwww.MMDrugScreening.com ..MMD UGSCREENING.com 577-6000 • www MMD DR R U UGSCREENING 577 6000 .MM RU In 1991, Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse, married Russi Taylor—the voice of Minnie.

Blake & Sarah Major battle it out for a set of Portland Pirates tickets at the office of Uncle Andy’s Digest

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.

The dentist said to me, “Uncle Andy, get out of the filing cabinet.”

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Ear Ache Timeline Submitted by Thomas Hill

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

Rice is really great if you want to eat 1000 of something.

! a z o o l a p Lady Saturday, May 10 11:00-3:00

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

Grand Ballroom Hilton Garden Inn Auburn

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial.

Here, eat this root!"

Join us for an afternoon of shopping, spa services, snacks, samples & girl time.

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Brutal Truth Submitted by Jimbo

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

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HUGE RAFFLE!

Ladypalooza is an annual fundraising event to raise money for local women & children’s charities.

100% proceeds donated to:

Sponsored in part by:

www.safevoices.org

I don't have a microwave, just a clock that occasionally heats things up.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Out ’n About at Rainbow FCU’s 58th Annual Meeting

Tamara Benson & her daughter, Autumn

Our operators are keeping the phone lines open for your call...

ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS WEEK

April 20th – 26th Surprise your employees this week!

James, Rosie & Alex

Ann’s Flowers 782-3457 14 Millett Drive, Auburn • annsflower.com

HELP!!!

For HIGH Oil Bills is HERE at Fireside Stove Shop!

Crystal McKay retires after serving 41 years on the Board of Directors

NOW ON SALE: Wood, Gas & Pellet Stoves Odor Eater Submitted by Jimbo

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP 1220 Center St., Auburn • 784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com “I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.” – Tommy Cooper

If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Febreze commercial.

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Going to a Lecture

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Submitted by Jimbo

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

Commercial & Residential Excavation & Road Work

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."

The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

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Is it possible to be totally partial?

Tough Gator Challenge The Geiger Elementary School Parent Teacher organization announces the 2014 Tough Gator Challenge, an obstacle course and mud run for Lewiston-area elementary school children. This rain-or-shine event is scheduled for Saturday, June 7, 2014 from 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. at Geiger Elementary School on College Street in Lewiston. Participants will start in waves every 15 minutes throughout the day.

After participating in a “Tough Mudder” event last summer, co-organizers Mike Courtemanche and Chip Groover felt a great sense of accomplishment Mike Courtemanche and camaraderie. The friends, both parents of Geiger students, wanted to & Chip Groover, bring a similar experience to kids in the school community. co-coordinators of the The Tough Gator Challenge “isn’t about being the fastest or the strongest Tough Gator Challenge – it is about teamwork and success,” says Groover. The focus is on being Photo by Dominic Giampaolo active, working together, getting muddy and having fun. While the course will be designed for elementary-aged participants, parents are welcome and encouraged to register and run alongside their kids. Every child who finishes will receive a congratulatory t-shirt and the honorary title of “Tough Gator”.

The cost to register is $5 per person before May 31 and $7 per person on the day of the event. The day will include concessions, games, face painting, temporary hair coloring and other attractions to be announced.

Proceeds will benefit the non-profit Geiger Elementary School PTO, which supports enrichment and community-building opportunities for Geiger students. Recently, the PTO has organized family game and movie nights, funded visits by children’s authors and illustrators and assisted with busing costs for field trips to the theater and the state capitol.

Details are available at www.toughgatorchallenge.com or by writing to info@toughgatorchallenge.com

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What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

Wataaaaah!

Nine Things Dogs Don't Understand Submitted by Thomas Hill

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

20% Off for patients with no insurance

A $25 Gas Card for patients with insurance (Cannot be combined with any other offers)

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid.

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk.

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

Dr. Tim Towle, DMD surrounded left to right by Cindy Farrington, Kathy Raithel, Brandy Hiltz, Marcia Visconti, Mindy Nelson, Debbie Hicks & Madison Landry

9. No, it's my food...

Oh alright then, just a small piece.

Good Question Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

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Newly Weds Submitted by Jimbo

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom.

As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed.

When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

8th Annual Heart of Hope Breast Cancer Fundraiser Join us for a fabulous Brunch event!

Sunday, April 27th 10:00am – 1:00pm at the Carriage House, 1119 Lisbon St, Lewiston

• Brunch • Door Prizes • Raffles • Guest Speaker & More!

Heart of Hope jewelry line designed

by Carlene Sperry & sold exclusively at Republic Jewelry

Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and goes into the bathroom.

Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, “How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him.”

Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom.

Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something."

Jimmy says, "You can tell me anything honey, but why did eat my socks?”

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Tickets $ 30

Tickets are available at:

Republic Jewelry 212 Center St in Auburn

Call Chrissy @ 784-4444 for tickets or to make a donation. or Contact Mitch/Carlene Sperry @ 754-0709

All proceeds raised go to the Heart of Hope Charitable Fund, a fund for local breast cancer patients in financial need. Funds are also used to raise awareness and education for Breast Cancer.

Carlene Sperry is an 11 year Breast Cancer survivor, she is the founder of the Heart of Hope Charitable Fund. For over 11 years she has raised money to help local women/men fighting Breast Cancer. Carlene has designed a line of Breast Cancer jewelry which includes pendants & earrings to help raise money for her charitable fund. Her jewelry line is sold exclusively at Republic Jewelry which helps raise money along with her annual events.

For donations, please make checks payable to Heart of Hope Charitable Fund; tax ID #271275952.

Send to Heart of Hope Charitable Fund, C/O Carlene Sperry, 193 Cook Street, Auburn, Maine 04210.

Sponsored in part by:

212 Center St in Auburn

Did you hear the one about the convict with a food allergy? He broke out.

Sleep: There's a nap for that!

Out ’n About at the Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center Open House Photos by Untamed Violets Photography Dad, let me straighten that for you.

Jeez, must I do everything?

Dr. Stratman with his son, Joseph

Kathryn Beausang & Dr. Sasseville The new offices are very nice.

Stop by and see the Sasseville team!

Marilyn "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." – Mitch Hedberg

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Since March 2014

Sinceh Marc 2014

Gryffin Dor

Beaudry

Since January 2014

Kimber

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area.

We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

Est. 2008

No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!! thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique Diesel

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Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.

Out ’n About at the Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center Open House Photos by Untamed Violets Photography

+ Dance

Saturday, April 26th Spaghetti Dinner Dance Dinner/Dance combo

$10 pp $10 pp $16 pp

Dick Albert & Diane Champoux

5 – 7:00pm 7 – 11:00pm Cash Bar

night out at the Join in for a fun ton isbon St, Lewis L 19 11 , se u o H Carriage

Live music by Chad Porter!

Mrs. Daigle & Dr. Daigle Thank you to everyone who attended our Open House. We’re really excited about our new location!

This Benefit is for the family of Debbie Elliott.

She is an Auburn resident who lost her son in November and her daughter in January. All proceeds to help cover the funeral costs.

For tickets please contact Cheryl Carter at 754-6249 or wdurangolady@aol.com Why do they report power outages on TV?

Dr. Stratman & Dr. Sasseville Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

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Out ’n About at the Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center Open House

Why do we wash BATH TOWELS - aren't we clean when we use them?

Prom Season Headquarters You

We’ll Dress Him!

Pick Him

Chip Morrison & Dr. Sasseville with her daughter, Graceland I’m having an O.M.G. kinda day...

I hope you are, too.

S&J Tuxedo & Limo Rentals now located INSIDE Sarah Jeanne’s at 77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston.

o Lim ntals!

Re Jeff Gosselin & Joanne Campbell A guy calls the hospital.

He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Please calm down sir. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

Book your updo & get a 60 minute Tanning Package!

Celebrating 20 Years in Business!

Join us for great specials all month long...

Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning

Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com

795-6778 Sun + Mon 12-6 • Tues + Wed 9-6 • Thurs + Fri 9-8 • Sat 8-3 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Quit worrying about your health. It will go away. – Robert Orben

Too Much Tech

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

WWW .ANDROTITLE.COM

Signs that you need to get away from the computer: 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'

3. Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

4. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

They’re all wondering why we’re sucking out of a fish bowl?

95 Main Street, Auburn 784-6413 or 1-800-639-7016

S THANK FOR G PICKIN US!

Out ’n About at Sea 40 in Lewiston

They’ll have to come to Sea 40 and find out for themselves.

I think I just got a brain freeze...

Daniel Buck Soules pictured here in Laughlin, NV standing in front of the Colorado Belle Hotel and Casino with his favorite publication.

PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING? Ask about our signature models!

CALL FOR PRICING

G.A. DOWNING 782.4508 or 800.924.4500

Service Rental Sales

111 Woodman Hill Road, Minot www.gadowning.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2014

783-7039

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Little boy to old man: “Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”

Out ’n About at the Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center Open House Photos by Untamed Violets Photography

Bill and Pat

See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.

Partnering with Professionals

784-5721

Clayton

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed. Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Tim Fox Branch Manager 514-1104 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Pat Bolduc Showroom Manager 514-1137 • pbolduc@redlon-johnson.com Bill Eccleston Showroom/Inside Sales 514-1136 • beccleston@redlon-johnson.com

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Spring means Renewal v

Michelle Gosselin The road to wellness starts here.

Renewal starts at Cassiel’s Massage • Body waxing • Hair color Hair highlights • Permanent Make-up Facials & More!

v Gift Cards & Spa packages available

783-3321 www.cassiels.com

71 East Avenue, Lewiston

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about. – Andy Borowitz

Denise Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 63

Exp. 4•30•14

By Appointment Only

k Boo arly!

E

10% OFF Reconditioning

The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything.

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

Visit us at our state of the art office at:

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza No Appointment Necessary

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

Wash Away the Winter Grime and Salt There’s Nothing Like a Hand Car Wash!

Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004

CAR WASH & DETAIL

LIQUID SUNSHINE

Hop on by TODAY!

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com I ate four cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.