Uncle Andy's Digest 8.11

Y ea r!

In O u r 16 th

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE

.com

FREE

AUGUST 2011

RATES ARE LOW Call for your purchases or to refinance today!

Conventional H FHA H VA H MSHA H RD

A local lender you can trust!

Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551

181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 www.rmsmortgage.com •dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com

This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions.

Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

Armandsab@aol.com

138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

New Patients Always Welcome!

Complete, comprehensive dentistry for ages 3 to 103

Preventative dentistry cleanings and fillings Cosmetic dentistry whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more We accept most insurances Financing available

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES

27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • 784-1577 TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM

Barbecuing It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion: (1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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We are the only Certified OKINAWAN KENPO SCHOOL in the Twin Cities

Check out our all new website!

www.pelletierskarate.com Lil Ninjas 3-6 years Kids 7-12 years Adult Kickboxing Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

Is it just me or does losing a hand in poker seems like a pretty steep price to pay for a card game?

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

AUGUST 2011 Sunday, August 7 Casco Bay Lines – Mailboat Run Cruise. 2:00pm (Chapter 12907) 56 Commercial St, Portland. $11.50 Person, $5.00 Child 11 and under Tuesday, August 9 Luiggi’s 4:00pm – 7:00pm (Chapter 8609) Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.00 Member $5.00 Guest Saturday, August 13 Dance Party Under The Stars 7pm – 11pm, Lincoln Street Parking Garage. $20.00 Person Wednesday, August 17 Dairy Joy 3:00pm – 7:00pm.

(Chapter 12749) Campus Ave, Lewiston or Spring St. Auburn. $1.00 per Tix Thursday, August 18 Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant 11:30am – 1:30pm. (Chapter 14346) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston. $4.50 Member, $5.00 Guest Tuesday, August 23 Taber’s 4:00pm – 7:00pm (Chapter 10589) Lakeshore Drive, Auburn. $4.50 Member, $5.00 Guest Thursday, August 25 Grid Iron 4:00pm – 7:00pm (Chapter 14437) 1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston. $7.00 Member, $8.00 Guest Tuesday, August 30 Ari’s Pizza 11:30 – 1:00pm (Chapter 10929) 457 Main St, Norway. $5.00 Member, $6.00 Guest Park Tickets Available: Aquaboggan $13.50 member / $15 guest Combo Fun/Splash $23.50 member / $25.00 guest Funtown $18 member / $19 guest Splashtown $17 member / $18 guest WaterCountry $26.50 member / $27.50 guest York Animal Kingdom $10 member / $11 guest

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Please Note: Prices, Dates and Menu Are Subject To Change. If Additional Info Is Needed, Please Call Our Office, Please Do Not Call Restaurants. All Activities Can Only Be Attended At The Times Listed. ***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833.

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

If you're ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207

783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com

AUGUST 2011

Staff UNCLE ANDY

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures

Bein’ Uncle Andy

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

JIMBO

514-0660

The Next Level

TRAVIS DOW

www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Joe & Mike Adkins

Ready For Some Football

MAGGIE JOYCE Mother Teresa

MARTY DOW

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

Is your teen using drugs?

Sober & Orderly

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.

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Hair follicle and urine-based screenings available. State-of-theart wipe and spray technology to see if drugs have been present in your child’s vehicle.

It’s your right as a parent to know.

Call today: 577-6000 MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator 577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com Cosmetics are a woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Baby Scale Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy, holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if he can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, sir," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh father and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the father alone, and subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says Uncle Andy.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," he answers, "I'm not the father - I'm the Uncle."

Card Reader Instructions Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done.

One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."

As long as the imperial system is in place a ruler will be afoot.

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TESTIMONIAL Advertising with Uncle Andy's Digest pays for itself! We, New Major Automotive, ran an A/C recharge special in the June 2011 edition and had great success with it. One customer, new to New Major Automotive, stated that he frequently used another facility but wasn't happy with the service and was looking for another repair shop.

Thats when he saw our ad in Uncle Andy's! He stopped in to check out our shop and made an appointment. He has since been back for other recommended services and stated we are now his first call for all his automotive services.

THANK YOU Uncle Andy's for helping us gain yet another new customer!

Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

SWIM LESSONS

Ages 6 months & up Based at the Y Member Registration August 15th, Non-Member Registration August 22nd. Session 1 Begins September 5th

STRENGTHEN OUR COMMUNITY Help us to Support Our Promise to never turn anyone away because of their inability to pay. Give online at www.alymca.org

TEE OFF FOR A GREAT CAUSE 2nd Annual NAPA Golf Tournament Thursday, September 22 Martindale Country Club PLAY • SPONSOR • VOLUNTEER With your help, the Y can provide more opportunities for kids to Learn, Grow & Thrive!

YOUTH FIELD HOCKEY Pee Wee Division (Grades K-2) Junior Division (Grades 3&4) Intermediate Division (Grades 5-8) Registration: Members, August 15th Non-Members, August 22nd Season runs Sept. 10th - Oct. 15th

BABYSITTING COURSE August 25th & 26th at the Y Registration starts August 15th, and participants must be 11-15 years of age.

Students will be certified in CPR and Infant & Child First Aid

Don Gilks

TRIPLE CROWN 5K SERIES

L/A BRIDGE RUN Â SUN. AUG. 28TH

AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)

Operations Manager, New Major Automotive See their ad on page 14.

207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Do not mess with the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

& Jimbo

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The other day I nearly succumbed to a bout of narcissism: seriously, I just don't know what's come over me, me, me, me.

2011

SHARE OUR PASSION

RIDE INTO SPRING

SALES EVENT See store for details

AMES SPORT SHOP, Inc

84 Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

The "middle finger" gesture originates back to 423 BC in Aristophanes play "The Clouds".

I’ll pay you cash for your antiques!

Second Grade Math I was the substitute teacher for a secondgrade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

DAN BOYD Auction Company

Antiques, House Attics, Basement Items, One Item or Entire Estates • Complete Cleanouts Available Sports Items, Guns, Military Items

State & Federally Licensed

Dan Boyd

998-4083 or 754-1009

The first artificial heart was patented by Paul Winchell in 1963.

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It has been calculated that a single breath from a mature blue whale can inflate up to 2,000 balloons.

OXYMORON ox·y·mo·ron A visual noun

10” Fresh Dough Cheese Pizza $4.50 Lg. Chicken Tender Sub $ 5.19 Deluxe $5.69 12 pc. Roadies Bone-In Chicken Snack $12.99

Lobsters have blue blood.

Pricing Programs & System Guard Plans Now Available...

Call for details!

“Delivering Comfort you Can Count On”

This sign is currently at the intersection of Route 1 and Route 27 in Wiscasset.

Submitted by Big Gare Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The oldest known animal in the world was 'Ming' the 405 year old clam, discovered in 2007.

"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."

– Michael Caine

Janice Wescott NMLS #169766

Call us to purchase or refinance

Brendan Fontaine NMLS #102571

Let us help you get your new loan off the ground

Jason Gagnon NMLS #394397

Your new, local source for home loans. We’re accommodating & understanding.

86 Main St., Auburn, Suite 201 (above Gritty’s)

1-888-316-6345 www.mainemortgageguys.com "Every problem or difficulty you face contains the seed of an equal or greater advantage or benefit." – Napoleon Hill

l and Persona care & attentive n of io supervis your dog

ll Dogs of a s d age sizes an d! accepte

Marriage Marathon Submitted by Jimbo

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."

Lisa Poulin, Bruce Bilodeau & friends

• 32,000 sq. ft. fenced in, grass play area • Separate outdoor play areas for various sizes and energy levels • Climate controlled facility for hot and cold days with separate areas

M-F 7am-6:30pm • Weekends by appointment only

Boarding Available 528 Lincoln Street, Lewiston

During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed.

They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."

– B.C. Forbes Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Back in the Day Submitted by Jimbo

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

Jellyfish as a species are actually older than dinosaurs and sharks.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark... You know what you’re doing but nobody else does!”

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past.

Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

–– Jay Jay Conrad Conrad Levinson Levinson Guerrilla Guerrilla Marketing Marketing

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business and next thing you know they’ll be demanding a curtain call.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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’s l Maine Centra pular o most p ion! at c li b pu

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com Dogs have four toes on their hind feet, and five on their front feet.

Social m at it’s edia best!

New Auburn Business District 9 Third Street, Auburn

Jennifer Kritzer Owner / Stylist

Back To School Specials!

376-4822

$

10

Julie Dionne Stylist

Hours: Monday 10-7; Tuesday 9-5; Thursday 10-7; Friday 9-5; Saturday 9-3 • Closed Wednesday & Sunday

Women’s Wash & Cut

Men’s Clipper Cut SPECIAL

Military, Police & Fire Discounts

L

SPECIA

$

20

Rock a new look for Fall!

Children’s Wash, SPECIAL

Cut & Style

$

12

HOME COOKED FOOD EVERY DAY Pool • Darts Large Screen TV

Karaoke Every Thurs. & Sat. Every Saturday

“Love at first bite!”

Leroy & Bev

Come meet & greet New Auburn’s newest politician running for Ward 5

Andy’s Baked Bean Specials…

Don’t Miss Out!

47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044 HOURS: Tues. & Wed. 10am-8pm Thurs. & Fri.10am-Close • Sat. 8am-Close

ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern

Not For Lunch Submitted by Jimbo

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterward.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed.

At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

LOBSTER & CLAM BAKE Includes: 1 Ear of Corn 1-1/8th lb. Lobster 2 Red Potatoes 1 lb. Clams Side of butter

All cooked!

$

16

Hard Shell Lobster

$

(Please call one hour before pickup)

14

Soft Shell Lobster Always Fresh LaRochelle’s Seafood

If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!

22 Mill St., New Auburn 782-3150 Open daily 9am-6pm

My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my "blod group". I replied, "typo."

We ship anywhere in the US

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Out ’n About at Emily’s Run

New Auburn Business District

The 2nd leg of the Triple Crown

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

Crepes are great for breakfast, but the lobster subs for lunch are my favorite!

Stop by in August & check out the Balloonfest decorations!

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Lucie Martel

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A! Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes

Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners

Chemicals & Cleaners

Breakroom & Food Service

Skin Care

Packaging

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

AUGUST 2011 783-7039

In 1982, Larry Walters tied 24 weather balloons to his lawn chair in Los Angeles and climbed to an altitude of 16,000 feet.

New Auburn Business District

Out ’n About at Emily’s Run The 2nd leg of the Triple Crown

Fall School Team Sports Order your Sweatshirts & T-Shirts Now! T-Shirts, Sweats, Ladies’ Clothing, Tops & Bottoms

Screenprinting and Embroidery 85 Third St., Auburn • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

Don’t forget, the final leg of the Triple Crown,

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

the L-A Bridge Run,

783-3444

is on Sunday,

OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

August 28th.

Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old - squash their toes with your rocker.

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When the space shuttle finally lands, everybody wear ape suits.... pass it on!

Quality Service at an Affordable Price

HOURLY $ SERVICE WITH THIS RATE COUPON

10 OFF

Expires 8-31-11

We Now Welcome All Fleet Account Customers!

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net

Curious Chimp

I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes.

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

8/31/11

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive.

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

Out ’n About at Emily’s Run The 2nd leg of the Triple Crown

Top 10 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s

Get your car running perfectly before it’s time to go back to school!

10) Best of the best 12 years running for automotive service 9) Full service garage, no problem too big or too small 8) Fair & honest quotes 7) Accurate diagnosis of problems 6) Expert service & highest quality 5) Great customer service with a smile 4) We service all makes and models 3) State of the art equipment 2) Complimentary Coffee & Donuts 1) Free shuttle service in L/A Just one of the many compliments we receive: “By far the most friendliest, honest and dependable auto shop in town! Also like their new waiting area with the leather couches and Keurig coffee machine. Keep up the good work!!”

Mike Morin’s Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

Snorkel Packages Starting at $49.95 Snorkel, mask, fins, bag & DVD

Barclay s Skindivers Paradise

Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery

784-7300 685 Washington St. Auburn

It is the daily grind that gives a person polish.

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Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

A 42-foot sperm whale has about 7 tons of oil in it.

General Family & Cosmetic Dentistry

Eugene Kim, DDS

$

25 GAS CARD for every new patient (cleaning, exam & X-rays) Expires 8/31/11. Not valid with any other offers.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Yahoo! was originally called 'Jerry's Guide to the World Wide Web'.

The man who created the Thighmaster was once a Bhuddist Monk.

Opening in August

Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

Check out our website or Facebook page for exact date

www.benoitsbakery.com

Bakery &

❦ Cheese ❦ Fudge ❦ Pastries ❦ Breads ❦ Wine tastings & more

Over 500 labels of wine

r a l l e C e Win

Search: Benoit’s Bakery Elmo likes!

Fresh Native Produce Certified Angus Beef Lobster Tails • Cheese • Milk Homemade Salsas & Dressings Jellies & Jams • Granola • Prepared Salads Ciders • Maple Syrup

Everything you need in your pantry & fridge!

72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine

www.benoitsbakery.com Colgate's first toothpaste came in a jar.

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Clumsy Ad Copy

80% of Publishers' Clearing House $10 million winners did not purchase any magazine subscriptions!

Submitted by Uncle Andy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service.

Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.

- Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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PARTS • SALES • SERVICE WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes • Sales of New International Trucks • Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes

Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net 7-11 sells 10,000 pots of coffee an hour, every hour, every day.

Microsoft made $16,005 in revenue in its first year of operation.

Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

EVERY SDAY TUE 5:30pm – 9:00pm

5:30pm – 9:00pm

Got a hot ride? Show it off at Roy’s!

T-Shirts • 50/50 Raffle • Prizes • Give-Aways Featuring

&GOLF CENTER Rt. 4, just past Lake Auburn THE BEST HAMBURGERS AROUND! MADE WITH FRESH GRADE-A STEAK, CUT & GROUND DAILY

18-hole Mini Golf Driving Range Batting Cages

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."

www.roysgolf.com

– Lao Tzu

In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

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The first person to go over Niagara falls was Annie Edson-Taylor. She made the trip in a wooden barrel and survived!

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

Got Volvo Problems?

Call Foreign Car Service today!

FOREIGN CAR SERVICE CO. 140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300 VolvoSpecialist.net • David Sheloske, Owner

SAM’S BODY SHOP Custom Trailer Hitches Sold & Installed Trailer Repairs 886 Main St. Lewiston • 784-0015 • Open Mon. Wed. Fri. 8:00-4:00

Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!

for the whole family

Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall) DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

(207) 782-5030

Tree Removal •

BEAT THE HEAT

Stump Grinding •

WITH A REMOTE STARTER

Pruning • Cabling •

268-3658 or 740-4394 Greenleafwoods.webs.com email: greenleafwoodstreeservice@yahoo.com

Moe Greenleaf, owner

Licensed & Insured • 1st Class Aborist • Bucket Truck • Free Estimates •

THE SHOP AUTO SERVICE AND CLASSIC CAR RESTORATION Mike Smith, owner

304 Lisbon St., Lisbon • 353-6100 www.theshopclassicrestoration.net theshop@roadrunner.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Model CS-600 Lifetime Guarantee Up to 1000’ Range

$

149

Starting at

Includes 2 remotes

installed

1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston

754-7873 Uncle Andy just had to show everyone his newly installed power windows...

In high school, Robin Williams was voted Least Likely to Succeed.

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

Disaster Encounter

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC.

Submitted by Jimbo

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

Buy 2 NEW Tires A $24 Value!

and receive a

FREE Oil Change*

Expires 8/31/11

#

*5 quarts max, non-synthetic - must have coupon to qualify.

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: I pay your salary!

Wine Tasting &

Decadent Desserts Taste fabulous wines ideal for desserts & appetizers.

Friday, August 19th, 7:00 p.m.

The Hilton Garden Inn, Auburn Riverwatch Event Sponsored by:

Menu:

– Multi Raffle –

Desserts

CD Express DJ & MC Services

Chocolate Fountain

Guest Appearance:

Brechetta Bar 319 & 590 Main St., Lewiston, ME

Hosted by: Sue Donovan Donovan’s Auto Sales www.donovansauto.com

Music by:

MARY DEMPSEY

Cost of Tickets: $35 per Person Fundraising event to support Vivian St. Onge’s ride and Team C.U.R.E. Cancer Undergoing Radical Elimination

R.S.V.P. by August 5th. To reserve your ticket, call Sue Donovan at 946-7515 or send email to: donovan 743@aol.com

"Oh, No!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.

How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.

Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.

He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did.

Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

(Direct online donations can be made to: dempseychallenge2011.kintera.org/vive)

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

(continued on page 23)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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(continued from page 21)

Halle Berry's stunt double, in the movie "Cat Woman" was in fact a man.

ted “The 2010 AAA Approved Repair Facility of the Year!” c e l Se With 100% Customer Satisfaction!!

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In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420

Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

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216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339

Next to Republic Jewelry & parking in back of building

If you have a 15 day temporary plate on your new car, bring it down, save 15% off Any Sound System!

www.soundeffectsmaine.com

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

Chess Playing Dog

Isaac Feldman

Appointments Required, Please call first Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

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55/hr. LABOR RATE

The teacher was giving her class of seven-yearolds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.

What do you conclude from that?"

Brad Johnson

Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Fully Warranteed & Certified

There are 170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the ten opening moves in a game of chess.

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

AUGUST 2011

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Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

The original game of "Monopoly" was circular.

The Back Forty A

I’d pay $10 for an Uncle Andy’s Digest...

TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001 •

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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“The key to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, youʼve got it made.”

– Jean Giraudoux

I'm going to the dentist today: HOPE I DON'T COME BACK ALL CAPS!

August Specials

• TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001

According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

That guy on page 24 is nuts. I wouldn’t pay more than $2 for a Digest...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

AUGUST 2011

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Greenside Up Lawn Care Greenside Up Lawn Care was started this Spring by Jeff & Lynette Ekstrand of Auburn. This husband and wife team saw a need for affordable, quality lawn care in the L/A Area, and decided to do something about it.

"In these tough economic times, spending less money is important to people. Homeowners who either are not physically able or who don't have time to maintain their lawns, now have a more affordable option, without sacrificing on quality."

Co-Owner Jeff Ekstrand stated recently.

Greenside Up Lawn Care offers Lawn Mowing, Trimming Services and Fall Clean Up Services with quality work at affordable rates. Yards of any size are accepted, so call today for a free quote on your lawn work.

Contact Greenside Up Lawn Care by Calling 713-3566 today. See their ad on page 88.

In 1987, the 5 billionth inhabitant of this planet Earth was born. His name? Matej Gaspar.

He was born to a Yugoslav nurse in the city of Zagreb, which is now the capital of Croatia.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

2003 Mercedes Benz

$

17,000

2003 Honda Element EX

$

7,795

S Class, Silver, Loaded, 82K, AWD

Loaded, AWD, Manual

2003 Harley Davidson Fat Boy

2005 GMC Canyon

100th year Anniversary Edition

$

15,000

7,800 miles, 124 cu. inch R&R Cycles motor (135 HP), D&D Fat Cat Borezilla Exhaust, Diamond Cut Head & Cylinders, Baker 6-speed tranny, Wrath wheels - rotors & plugs, 14” Ape Hangers and much more!

$

8,995 Crew Cab

Other Inventory 09 Cadillac CTS, 41K, 3.6L, Maroon.............................$22900 07 Chevy Aveo, 77K, ..........................................................$6495 06 VW Passat, 88K, 2.0T, Black....................................$10995 05 Pontiac Grand Prix, 89K, Silver .................................$8495 05 GMC Canyon, Crew Cab...............................................$8995 04 VW Passat, 92K, 2.8L, Silver......................................$8495 04 Pontiac Vibe GT, 6-Speed, Alloys, Loaded................$7295 04 Jeep Grand Cherokee, 4.0L 4x4 ................................$6995 04 Saab 9-5, 92K, Turbo, Silver.......................................$7495 03 Audi A4 1.8 Turbo, Grey ..............................................$8300 03 Honda Element, Green.................................................$8000 03 VW Jetta GLS, 93K, Black .................................call for price 03 VW Passat GLS, Auto ...................................................$5995 03 Dodge Neon, 86K.........................................................$4995 03 Ford F250, Red Sport ........................................call for price 02 Ford F250, 73k, Auto, 4x4, ......................................$12995 02 VW Passat, Grey, Manual............................................$6495 02 VW Passat, 99K, Grey, Auto .......................................$7000 01 Jeep Wrangler, 4.0, Maroon .......................................$8995

01 VW Jetta, 1.8 Turbo, Green .........................................$4795 01 VW GTI, Green, VR-6, 5-speed...................................$6000 01 Audi A4 1.8T, Silver ......................................................$5495 00 Honda Civic, Green.......................................................$3995 00 Cadillac Escalade, Pewter, Loaded.............................$5995 99 Audi A4 Turbo, Silver ...................................................$4495 99 Saab 9-3, White, 108K ................................................$4995 98-01 Audi Parts..............................................................Call FMI 83 Mercedes 380SL Roadster, 2Door, 114k, V8, Auto.....$8995

INDEPENDENTAuto

1298 Sabattus St. Lewiston www.independentauto.me

786-7744

Diplomacy in Leadership: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

MARK of EXCELLENCE AWARD WINNER

EMERSON CHEVROLET BUICK 946 Center Street • Auburn • 784-3503

BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIALS!

We’ve got the best selection of fuel economy cars & trucks. GREAT Incentives! Now is the time to bring in your trade!! Come see me for details.

RICH TREMBLAY

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR • State Inspections • Rocker Panel Repair • Auto Repair • Reconditioning

For the coolest repair dudes in town and to get those back to school cars in perfect working order, come see us at A-Plus Auto!

786-0522 41 Millett Drive, Auburn Located in the former Hebert’s Auto Building

I’m Back!!

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782-3822

Chance

For All Your Custom Upholstery Needs Seat Covers • Tonneau Covers Convertible Tops & Headliners Motorcycle & Snowmobile Seats Boat • RV’s • Airplanes & More!

CUSTOM UPHOLSTERY 28 Riverside Drive, Auburn

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

Play-Off Tickets Submitted by a New England Patriots fan

A man goes to the New York Jets ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets.

The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Jets did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the New York Jets ticket office and inquires about purchasing Jets play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Jets did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Jets ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Jets did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Jets play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE JETS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS." The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way from Foxboro every day just to hear you say that!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the 6th annual Maine Shriner Golf Classic Tourney

One cubic mile of seawater contains about 50 pounds of gold.

Raise your hand if you want Uncle Andy to leave you alone

What do all these guys have against Uncle Andy?

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Even Antarctica has an area code. It's 672.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Katie Rioux $

11,500

$

7,995

2007 Chevy Equinox

2006 Dodge Caravan

90K, AWD, Loaded, Leather

40K, Runs Good 2000 Chevy 6500 Car Carrier, 6-Speed, Diesel . . . . . .$17,995 1994 Chevy 3500 Rack Body, No Dump, Diesel . . . . . .$8,500

$

5,500

1997 Ford F150 Reg. Cab, 4X4, 114K

1998 Chevy 1.2 Ton, 4WD, Short Box, 120K, 7½' Minute Mount Plow, Black. 4 Brand New Studded Tires . . . . . . . .$4,500

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10,500

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UP TO 45 MPH

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850

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2003 Ford F250 Superduty

Racing Go Cart

2003 Chevy Trailblazer

Reg. Cab, 4X4, V10, 84k

Racetrack Approved, New Motor

3rd Seat, Black, New Tires

M & P AUTO SALES Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867

www.MandPautosales.com Check your map! Virginia extends farther west than West Virginia.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

In one day, a full grown redwood tree expels more than 2 tons of water through its leaves. v Professional & Experienced Hair Team v Licensed Manicurist/Pedicurist

... to us, you’re more than just a haircut Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm Sat 9 am - 3 pm

600 Center Street • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 786-0112 Hypotenuse: Washroom upstairs is occupied.

Rates as low as 2.75%* Stop by and apply today!

INSTANT APPROVALS!**

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com

*Member eligibility required, qualifications & restrictions may apply, no in-house refinancing, annual percentage rate. **Most cases.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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If you mouth the word "colorful" to someone, it looks like you are saying "I love you".

The 'King Ranch' in Texas is bigger than the state of Rhode Island.

Brotherhood Submitted by Jimbo

AYURVEDIC WELLNESS CARE A•YUR•VE•DIC Rarely treating the symptoms, Ayurveda cures by removing the cause of disease. It is the oldest surviving complete medical system in the world.

Derived from its ancient Sanskrit roots - 'ayus' (life) and 'ved' (knowledge) Ayurveda literally means "Knowledge of Life". It offers a unique blend of science and philosophy that brings harmony of body, mind and spirit.

Ayurvedic Wellness can help you with: Pain Management • Arthritis • Bonesetting Stress & Anxiety & more.

Ayurvedic Wellness can: Increase Energy & Stamina • Enhance quality of life Improve memory • Create a sense of peace & well-being & more.

Text or email Chris to learn more or to book an appointment Christopher Harris, 54 High Street, South Paris csharris1@roadrunner.com • 207-332-2424 (text messaging and email preferred)

FOR SALE - ASKING $1,995 1/2 SCALE MODEL MACHINE GUN

The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Bolster Monumental Works Monuments & Markers Cemetery Lettering & Cleaning 1278 Main Street, Oxford • 743-2673

David J. Pratt Over 30 years experience

It takes a drop of ocean water more than 1,000 years to circulate around the world.

Trivia A boy leaves his house one summer day, and began to run into the woods to his grandmother's house which is on the other side of the woods. It should also be known that the boy reached his grandmother's house. How far did the boy run into the woods?

Answer:

Joseph Cimino

Halfway. Because once you reach the middle, you are then running out of the woods.

481 Maine St. • Poland Spring

Since 1877

Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies.

"Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked.

Working miniature, non-firing, salesman sample. Believed to be only 1 of 10 issued.

Commissioned by Auto-Ordinance Company, Bridgeport, Conn. Call or stop in FMI.

998-2806 • 576-9535 •576-1553

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!

By 3,000 B.C. there were at least six different types of beer in Egypt.

Out ’n About at J.T. Reid’s Gun Shop in Auburn

Two of my favorite things to talk about, Jamie, are guns Hank! and football...

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

(I’ve always wanted to say that!)

Great to have you here, Hank! Let’s talk guns first, then football, if you don’t mind...

Hank Williams Jr. (center) paid a visit to Jamie Pelletier (left) & John Reid (right) at JT Reid's Gunshop on Court Street in Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The Niagara Falls moves upstream at an average rate of about 295 feet a century!

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

HAIR • NAILS • MASSAGE SKINCARE • WAXING MAKEUPS • WEDDINGS

August Special

$5 OFF

of $50 or more*

Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

*Cannot combine with other offers or pay by gift certificate. 1 offer per person per visit.

207.777.3939 245 CENTER STREET, SUITE 7, AUBURN

207.777.3939 245 CENTER STREET, SUITE 7, AUBURN

U.F.O. SIGHTING Get your own U.F.O. for an unbelievable price!

Big enough to share with a friend!

Or get its little brother, the “Satellite”

Unbelievably Filling Object!

Made on our own fresh baked bread!

740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-2981 Hours: Mon-Sun 5am-9pm • www.mygeorgios.com

Look for this K+L decal at local businesses in L-A Check us out online at:

KandLGreenClean.com

We get you clean and stay green!

"Helping the environment one job at a time" Call us for a free quote to clean your business

K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC 577-8725

Lauren & Kristie, owners

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the change room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

On July 3, 1869, Old Peppersass, the world's first mountain climbing cog railway, reached the top of Mount Washington.

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

WE PAY YOU! Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

..........$9.50* Automobile Batteries............... ....$16 each* Alloy Rims.................................. m $9 to $260* Catalytic Converters..........fro ........$4 each* Starters/Alternators.............. s....$2.66/lb.* Computer Green Board Scrap lated Wire, Copper, Brass, Aluminum, Insu nsmissions.

Electric Motors, Radiators, Tra ket conditions

*Prices subject to change to mar

Trivia Four men and four women are shipwrecked on a desert island. Eventually each one falls in love with one another, and is himself loved by one person. John falls in love with a girl who is in love with Jim. Arthur loves a girl who loves the man who loves Ellen. Mary is loved by the man who is loved by the girl who is loved

by Bruce. Gloria hates Bruce and is hated by the man whom Hazel loves. Enigma: Who loves Arthur?

Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

15 Pierce Street, Auburn 615-7057 or 795-8887

Answer: Gloria Loves Arthur Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Excuses For Not Doing Homework: Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.

You might be a REDNECK if...

Every Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm

Pizza Buffet Soup, Salad & Pizza $9.50/pp $5 Children 10 & under 782-2088 150 Mill Street, Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

Porter

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Nessie

– Charlotte Bronte

Boo

"I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward."

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

THURSDAYS

Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm

Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm

FRIDAYS

SATURDAYS

LADIES Night Drink Specials

DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!

DJ & Live Local Entertainment

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !

Fri. Aug. 5th Loki & Guest (Rock) Sat. Aug. 6th Firewater Creek (New & Old Country) Fri. Aug. 12th Twisted Theory & Stronghold Fri. Aug. 19th & Sat. Aug. 20th: See below FMI Festival of the Arts Fri. Aug. 20th Constant Battle See below FMI Sat. Aug. 27th Grillin’ for Good w/ Uncle Andy’s Digest 5:30-8:30pm. Outdoor BBQ. Dogpile - Classic Rock - 9pm-Close

SAVE THE DATE! Sept. 3rd - TICKLE Maine’s Hottest Dance Band

Sat. Aug. 27th

SAVE THE DATE!

Sat. Aug. 20th

Sept. 17th

80’s Metal Tribute Band

with

Uncle Andy’s

Digest

Boyz Gone Wild

Mechanical Bull Outdoor BBQ • 50/50 and more!

Tickets $10 to benefit patients in need through St. Mary’s Center for Cancer & Blood Disorders.

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

Out ’n About at

The warmest temperature ever recorded on Antarctica was 3 degrees F.

The DOGGz INN Open House in Auburn

August Parties at Irish Twins Pub outsid e und the teer nts

Fri. Aug. 5th - OUTDOOR PARTY with live music from DRIVE

Fri. Aug. 12th - LEAVITT HIGH ALUMNI PARTY Come one come all!

Live music from KAINING AMY Awesome Daily FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS

Bike Nite

Party starts 8pm each daat y Every Wednesday starts at 6pm

$1.50 Domestic Drafts • 1/2 Price Appetizers • Live Music

DON’T FORGET... Live Entertainment Every Wednesday thru Saturday

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s)

The city of Houston, Texas is built on a swamp and is slowly sinking!

Dog Grooming Daycare & Boutique

65 Washington St., Auburn, ME 04210

(207) 333-3640

Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Est. 2008

• Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

The only cage-free facility offering 6,000 sq. ft. of comfortable inside play area in addition to 20,000 sq. ft. of outside play area!

FUN & SAFE PLAY ENVIRONMENT thedoggzinn@gmail.com• www.facebook.com/thedoggzinn

http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com COMING SOON: DOG TRAINING CLASSES & DOG BIRTHDAY PARTIES!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Canola oil is actually rapeseed oil but the name was changed for marketing reasons!

By recycling just one glass bottle, the amount of energy that is being saved is enough to light a 100 watt bulb for four hours.

Doctor's Note Submitted by Jimbo

House of Lady Debra Presents...

Our Sock Hop!

6pm-11pm

Every Saturday at the Lisbon V.F.W. Mouth-watering food, cash bar, door prizes & giveaways

Listen and dance to your favorite hits of the 50s & 60s Live D.J. ~ Music starts at 7pm Stump Dr. Love!!

Lisbon V.F.W. • 52 Lisbon Rd. in Lisbon FMI call 689-3591 or 353-5291 email: houseofladydebra@yahoo.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband.

After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request.

Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were this:

That Uncle Andy guy is full of hot air, but their advertising is affordable and everyone picks up the Digest...

If you shake a can of mixed nuts, the larger ones will rise to the top.

"Your fly is undone."

Now Offering Finish Repair & Restoration • Complete or Partial Refinishing • Broken Head Stocks a Specialty • Traditional Finishes Only Call now to schedule your FREE consultation & estimate

www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Main St. Music Lessons 376-3376

& Instrument Repair Diet Pepsi was originally called Patio Diet Cola.

134 Main Street, Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

AUGUST 2011

783-7039 39

It takes 100 pounds of rain water to produce a single pound of food from the earth.

Now Offering Facials Replenish sun-damaged skin Christine

$

Emily

Michelle

50

August Special!

Lynn

Jen

Cindy

Micaela

Elizabeth

20 Coburn Street, Auburn • 782-9009

studio for hair, nails & massage

www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

(Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday

st can help you hit your target audience!

Uncle Andy’s Dige

Advertising made easy!

Call us at 783-7039 or email editor@UncleAndys.com FMI

RS DOO N AT OPE PM 3:00

Knights of Columbus

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• MORE PRIZES • MORE

RY EVE Y SDA E N WED PM 6:30

WINNERS

Up to 48 Cards for $10 Sealed Tickets • W.T.A. • 50/50 Prizes Canteen • New Friendly Staff

150 East Ave., Lewiston • 782-9265 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Rubber is one of the ingredients in bubble gum.

Spinach consumption in the U.S. rose 33% after the Popeye comic strip became a hit in 1931.

• • • •

Japanese Korean Thai Full Sushi Menu & Bar • Daily Lunch Specials • No MSG

Happy Hour

Out ’n About at The DOGGz INN Open House in Auburn

Every Day 3pm-6pm

$

3 Thai Beers 5 Martinis $ 2 House Warm Sake $

730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza, next to Flagship Cinema

376-4855

www.jasminecafemaine.com

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Thesaurus Collision Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.…

Find us! Like us on facebook!

Search for Uncle Andy's Digest or use this QR Code

• Get updates on local businesses • Get your dose of humor • See local & wacky photos • Be part of special promos & giveaways and MORE! Go to UncleAndys.com and click on the facebook icon The estimated number of M&M's sold each day in the United States is 200,000,000.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

AUGUST 2011

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What ‘s Going On...

The powder on chewing gum is finely-ground marble.

Check out the

Great Falls Balloon Festival August 19-21 in L/A Photo submitted by Jennifer Smith Maillet

We’ll see you there!

SAVE VALUABLE TIME! Whether you’re a one-person company or a several hundred-person company, time is an issue.

A coworker told me that I looked tired.

"I am," I said. "I just finished 50 push-ups."

"Oh really? When did you start doing pushups?"

"Well, I did the first one in 1986."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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We guarantee you will save time by reducing the hours spent producing payroll information and preparing payroll registers, quarterly, and year to date payroll reports.

PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com Worcestershire Sauce is basically an Anchovy ketchup.

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

Framing Made Simple 8x10 .............................$10 16x20 ...........................$20 20x24 ...........................$30 24x36 ...........................$40

Metal Frame (silver, black or gold) Regular Glass

Affordable, everyday pricing, just for you!

Out ’n About at the 6th annual Maine Shriner Golf Classic Tourney You could call the guys in this column the “triple threat”.

Foam Core Backing

Expert Custom Framing!

Quality Personal Service!!

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 www.DandRFraming.com

Dan Williams, owner

3 REAL BEAUTIES

Maybe the threat of slicing the ball into the rough...

Now that the NFL lockout is over, we renewed the subscription of Uncle Andy’s Digest to all the New England Patriot cheerleaders. We’re hoping for some new photos soon of all our fans at Gillette Stadium.

SUMMER SPECIAL Clean your furnace

Tune-Up Time Oil • Gas • Solid Fuel

New homes • Replacement equipment & repairs

in 10th year ! business

Avoid costly repairs with our tune-ups!

Multi-unit Discounts • FREE Estimates 24 hour emergency service • Call 615-6391

Or the threat of hitting a golfer on the adjoining fairway.

at affordable rates!

$120*

Labor & parts included *most units

Child’s Heating Service 345-3083 www.childsheatingserviceinc.com

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at The DOGGz INN Open House in Auburn

Tropic al Har mony

All your salt water tank needs right here!

Get your snacks & ice cold beer here during the Ballon Festival!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372 I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention.

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner, opened in 1995. Costing almost $200 million to make, it was the most expensive movie ever made because of crew injuries, tsunami warnings, a sinking set, disputes between Kevin Costner and Kevin Reynolds, the director and more. The film grossed a mere $88 million at the U.S. box office, however, it did much better overseas, with $176 million at the foreign box office.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MONDAY The Fergy

TUESDAY Meatball Subs

WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners

sm. $2.50/lg. $5.00

sm. $3.20/lg. $6.00

1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink $4.50

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians

1 Top $2.60/2 Top $3.30

with 1.5 Liter Drink $5.99

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99

Contrary to popular belief, London Broil is not a cut of beef but rather a method of cooking.

Earn

10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon!

We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods. And definitely worth the trip!

Out ’n About at the 6th annual Maine Shriner Golf Classic Tourney

enDOWed When the student is ready...

...the teacher will appear.

Expires 8/31/11

Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm

Richard Conway, owner

Pepsi-Cola was originally called 'Brad's drink'.

DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame Inductee Even if you don’t want a full-size omelette, Egg-ceptional has an awesome breakfast & lunch menu!

Brian Harrison of Mechanic Falls

Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Bill Gates' house was designed using a Macintosh computer.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

Louisiana is the only state that grows in land area every year (Due to alluvial deposits from the Mississippi River).

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

In 1895 Hampshire police handed out the first ever speeding ticket, fining a man for doing 6mph!

& Jimbo

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Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung!

Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

Trivia I am eight letters long "12345678" My 1234 is an atmospheric condition. My 34567 supports a plant. My 4567 is to appropriate. My 45 is a friendly thankyou. My 678 is a name.

Q: What word am I? Answer: MISTAKEN Club Direct, a travel insurance company in Britain, provides insurance plans for protection from falling coconuts.

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Out ’n About at the 6th annual Maine Shriner Golf Classic Tourney

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I'm not at liberty to say why.

YTH2042 Yard Tractor

Price...$1599

School Excuse At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

Price...$399

Price...$1699

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom.

"We have company and I'm keeping her home."

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Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

Soul Winning Efforts Submitted by Jimbo

A very zealous soulwinning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

Give Someone a Lift with a bouquet of flowers

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn • 782-3457 • www.annsflower.com Out ’n About at the 6th annual Maine Shriner Golf Classic Tourney

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumble-bee who became ill while gathering pollen but continued to work.

Unfortunately, he thus infected all the flowers with his virus.

Hi, my name is: rell m Lutt

Ti

The consequences are recorded in the annals of horticulture as . . . the blight of the fumble bee.

Thanks to everyone who came out to support the Shrine Lobster Bowl Golf Tourney!

Join us every Monday night for LEE’S NIGHT 4pm-9pm 10% of proceeds of dining room sales go to benefit Lee Munro, who recently had stem cell replacement to battle Myelodysplastic Syndrome.

Save the Date!

Spaghetti Supper for Lee Munro Sept. 24th at First Congregational Church in New Gloucester

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" (continued on next page)

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The Little Place with the Great Taste

Rt. 100 • New Gloucester

Hours: Mon-Fri 8am-10pm • Sat-Sun 7am - 10pm

Check us out online at www.mariositalianmaine.com

926-3434

Breakfast Served Daily until 11am

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

(continued from previous page)

Coffee beans aren't beans - they're fruit pits.

Banquet & Function Room For quality banquets & functions at prices that won’t break the bank...

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."

Living the Dream (kitty style)

• Business Meetings • Receptions • Parties • Anniversaries

Think Gippers!

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

AUGUST IS

MONTH

$3.00 OFF per gallon Exterior • Outstanding color retention in flat, mid-gloss, high-gloss and soft gloss sheens • Superior adhesion to oil and latex • Highest performance on any paintable surface • Useable on wood, metal, concrete, stucco, brick and more • Highest performance on any paintable surface

516 Sabattus Street • Lewiston • 784-1993 • M-F 7am-5pm, Sat. 7:30am-1pm

www.lewistonpaint.com Each year, the average family uses about 18,000 gallons of water just to do its laundry!

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

- Socrates Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at

In Spain, it is common to pour chocolate milk on cereal for breakfast.

The DOGGz INN Open House in Auburn

I’m only drooling cuz Uncle Andy has me in a sit, stay while holding a treat in front of my nose. He’s such a jerk!

"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude."

– Amy Tan Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The average child will eat 1,500 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by the time he/she graduates from high school.

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: My mom used it as a dryer sheet.

Best Breakfast Burrito in Town!

Grab a Coffee & Bagel To Go

Need Catering?

Weddings, birthdays, we do it all!

Customize your orders.

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs Private Functions Upstairs 84 Court St, Auburn

333-3041

Don’t forget the Balloon Festival!

Everything is homemade and made to order!

Ice Coffee Lattés Italian Soda

Hours: Mon.-Fri. 8:00-4pm • Sat. 11am - 4pm

www.hollysown.com

Holly Mireault, Owner

Let our professional team pamper you this August! v Hair v Manicures v Pedicures

Grow with us!

v Massages v Facials v Waxing

Now hiring Experienced Stylists, Massage Therapist & Nail Tech

Back l to r: Shannon Lord, Mel Cote, Hannah Greene. Front: Ashley Farrell, Darcy Ames

(apply within)

336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611 Hours: Tues. 10am-7pm • Wed.-Fri. 10am-6pm • Sat. 9am-2pm

Free WiFi

Open Jam Thursdays

Main St Music Now Offering Finish Repair & Restoration

Music Every Weekend!

Wed. Aug. 3rd

Veggies by Day

Fri. Aug. 5th

Brookside Blues Band

Fri. Aug. 12th

The Visitors

Sat. Aug. 13th

Black Cat Road

Fri Aug. 19th

Ruckus

97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668 Excuses For Not Doing Homework: My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

Main St Music Lessons & Instrument Repair, located at 134 Main St in downtown Auburn, is now offering Finish Repair and Restoration services for guitars & other stringed instruments.

The company now has a new spray gun and booth that utilizes a nitrocellulose lacquer for our finishing system which, unlike polyurethane, can be blended when doing repairs and refinishing work.

Main St Music also offers lessons in 9 different instruments as well as service and sales of instruments. Steve Grenier (shown) of Main St Music Lessons & Repair is a Authorized Fender Service & repair Professional and he recently told Uncle Andy's Digest how excited he is to be offering this service. "As far as I know we're one of only a handful of companies in Maine that is offering this service to the public. We specialize in repairing broken Head Stocks & restoring Guitars, finish repair, and traditional refinishing. I'm pictured with a Gibson Dove we recently restored for a customer that was previously unplayable after being worked on at another shop in Maine, Its now back to pristine appearance and playability. Having our new Spray Booth setup was a big part in making this a successful restoration." Contact Main St Music today to schedule a free consultation for your repairs and restorations by calling 376-3376. Check out their ad on pg 39 For More Info.

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Out ’n About for Cruise Night at Roy’s All-Steak Hamburgers & Golf Center

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: It's against my religion to do any homework.

with

Let’s grab an ice cream and play some mini golf while we’re here.

Uncle Andy’s

Digest

Great idea!

I hope I win one of those great give-aways!

to benefit Saturday, August 27th Outside at Club Texas 5:30-8:30pm

150 Center St. in Auburn - Stanley Street Parking Lot In case of rain: Inside pub area at Club Texas

all!

Come one, come

Great cars, great people, great food, great cruise night!

H Outdoor BBQ H Live Entertainment Admission just H 50/50 $ H Prizes & Giveaways H Free Sun Damage Screening H Mechanical Bull Round up some friends & H And More! join us for this great event!

10

100% of proceeds go to help local community members in need, through St. Mary’s Center for Cancer & Blood Disorders.

FMI on this event or to donate to the cause, call Travis at Uncle Andy’s Digest at 783-7039 or email travis@uncleandys.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

Whoopi Goldberg's real name is Caryn Elaine Johnson.

Out ’n About for Cruise Night at Roy’s All-Steak Hamburgers & Golf Center Cross your arms if you love cruise night...

Wow, so many great cars, so little time. I’ll have to come back next week!

In 1836, the Patent Office granted U.S. Patent #1 for locomotive wheels. 9,957 patents had been previously granted (but were unnumbered).

One year, Elvis Presley paid 91% of his annual income to the IRS.

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Negotiated Rules of Golf Between AARP and USGA

Henry Ford, father of the Automobile, is also father of the charcoal briquette.

The AARP has negotiated with the USGA to modify the following rules of golf for seniors.

Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have

SAVE GAS - RIDE A GOLF CART • Campers • Senior Citizens • Campground and RV Owners • Free Delivery - 40 mile radius • Conversion Lift Kits • 4 passenger cars

HUGE SALE

497 Washington St. Auburn • 783-3232

BALLOONFEST BBQ

AUGUST 20TH & 21ST

11AM - 7PM

Burgers • Hot Dogs • Sausage with peppers & onions • Chips • Sodas Slushies • Freeze pops • Cotton Candy • Other great specials, too!

F~lorian’s Market ~

Just across the trestle from Simard-Payne Park

301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week

Find us on Facebook & Foursquare

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Actor John Wayne made more than 200 movies.

If Wal-Mart was classified as a country, it would be the 24th most productive country in the world.

(continued from previous page)

dropped. The Rules of Golf supersede the law of gravity.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k) There is no penalty for so-called 'out of bounds.' If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.

Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Available at:

www.maine-lyaction.com

Rule 8.k.9 (s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment.

Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first." – David H. Comins

Over 4.6 million Whopper sandwiches are sold at Burger King every day!

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Enrico Caruso and Roy Orbison were the only tenors this century capable of hitting e over high c!

Join us for

! ! s g g E Kegs &

Traditional Irish Breakfast Watch the balloons launch from our outdoor patio Mimosa’s Saturday & Sunday, Aug. 20-21 & B lo ody Mary We will open at 5:30am!

’s

Marc Beaulieu Benefit

PEDRO O’ Hara’s 134 Main Street, Lewiston Irish • Mexican • American

783-6200

Lunch & Dinner Open 7 Days a Week

Also visit our Brunswick location at One Center St., Brunswick

Dinner, Social and Calendar Launch Marc Beaulieu, 43, a 1986 graduate of St. Doms, had his left leg amputated from the knee down in April.

With being laid off and having no health insurance, his family and friends are helping raise money for a prosthesis. And to cover other expenses accrued during this difficult and financially straining time. A dinner/social will be held Friday August 5th 5:30 PM at The Shipyard Lounge, Androscoggin Bank Colisee for $10/person $15/couple.

Admission will include dinner/buffet, dj-dancing, raffles/giveaways and cash bar is also available. A 3-month raffle calendar of amazing prizes will also be available to purchase starting that night for $20. Call Brian Beaulieu at 212-9820 FMI. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Out 'n About with KRY Auto Sales at Lost Valley A fundraiser for the Dempsey Challenge

The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").

There is a species of clam that can grow up to four feet long and weigh up to 500 pounds.

Check out our Here We New Salon & Spa! 20 Union Street Grow in Auburn Again Now Offering: Facials • Body Wraps • Body Polish Massages • Spa Packages • Body Waxing

20 Union St., Auburn

782-3848 www.StudioCSalonNSpa.com Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Missing Boater Rescued

Is this Gilligan’s Island?

On a recent chilly day the U.S. Coastguard rescued a boater after she found shelter on the uninhabited Damariscove Island. The boater had no coat and her cell phone was dead. She was frantic and worried about the daily happenings of the stock market. Her name was withheld to protect the innocent.

(Submitted by Big Gare of the Boothbay Register)

Small Town Check Submitted by Jimbo

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."

Trivia Two mothers and two daughters were fishing.

They managed to catch one big fish, one small fish, and one fat fish. Since only three fish were caught, how is it possible that they each took home a fish?

Answer: The fishing party consisted of three people.

A grandmother, a mother, and a daughter. The mother is both a mother and a daughter.

If a man could run as fast for his size as an ant can, he could run as fast as a racehorse.

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Trivia You want to send a valuable object to a friend. You have a box which is more than large enough to contain the object. You have several locks with keys. The box has a locking ring which is more than large enough to have a lock attached. But your friend does not have the key to any lock that you have. Note that you cannot send a key in an unlocked box, since it might be copied. How is this done?

Cats have a weak sense of taste. They have only 473 taste buds, humans have 9,000.

LIGHT & HEAVY DUTY TRUCK SERVICE & REPAIRS You can come to us or we can go to you!

Check out our newly-opened extra large, self-serve wash bay!

Great for large trucks, boats, RV’s or anything you need cleaned.

Stop by & receive ONE complimentary vehicle wash during the month of August!

Suspension Service • Oil Changes • Inspections Roadside Assistance • Turn Rotors Transmission Flush • Tune Ups & Much More!

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die; they need gravity to swallow.

Answer: Attach a lock to the ring. Send it to her.

She attaches her own lock and sends it back.

You remove your lock and send it back to her. She removes her lock.

2-Fer Specials Available Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday

2 Fer $14.95

2 Fer $16.95

Chicken Cordon Bleu *Chicken Tenders *Clam Cakes Liver & Onions Roast Stuffed Turkey Virginia Baked Ham Steak Chopped Sirloin Steak **Manicotti w/ garlic bread

Village Inn Baked Scrod *Fish & Chips *Fried Maine Shrimp Baked Haddock Special Baked Stuffed Haddock

You may mix meal choices at the 2 Fer $16.95 price

**Shrimp Salad or **Chef Salad

w/ shrimp stuffing

Broiled Haddock Steak Tips

Outdoor Patio

w/onions (plain or teriyaki)

All meals served with choice of potato & vegetable with the following exceptions: *served with french fries & cole slaw • **served as is (no sides) All meals served with rolls & butter

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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An alligator can go through 2,000 to 3,000 teeth in a lifetime.

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.

Get Your Back-To-School Look Here!

Pedicures • Manicures • Waxing • Eyelash Tinting Colors • Cuts • Foils

August Special We are a Care for your hair with the love it deserves for only

$

9 /bottle

full service salon Ann Dumais

Kelly Giambra

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch

Lysa Ronan

Valerie Kelshaw

Jacinta Labbe

FREE WiFi

786-4311

Lisa Olmstead Pauline Guimond

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.

Lewiston Youth Activities Fund We support school libraries!

Every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday at 6:30PM $

10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100

Fridays: 1/2 of all packages goes to W.T.A.

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394 Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

Uncle Andy and Travis meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says Travis. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says Uncle Andy, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

Travis scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

In 1998, Sony accidently sold 700,000 camcorders that had the technology to see through people's clothes.

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In 2000, President Clinton signed a bill that gave online digital signatures the same legal validity as pen and ink signatures. He signed the law via digital signature and then with a pen. He declared that signing one's name online would soon become a common way to hire a lawyer, sign a mortgage, open a brokerage account or sign an insurance contract.

I am too blessed to be stressed!

See you at the Balloonfest August 19-21

"If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person. It's how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit."

-- Bill Clinton

It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature.

ARTISTIC FLAIR Courtesy of Hair by Gregory’s

Sisters Lilly & Katey Bourget of Hebron performed recently for customers and passersby outside Hair by Gregory's at 600 Center St, The Shaw's Plaza in Auburn. The Duo performed at the request of Hair by Gregorys' owner Kelly Soracco, who hoped to add some artistic flair to the area, and plans to have different performers outside once a week. "Right now we're thinking either Thursday Friday or maybe even Saturday. It all depends on the musician's availability. If anyone is interested in what day performers will be on hand, don't hesitate to call us at the salon at 786-0112." Soracco told Uncle Andy's Digest.

Hair by Gregorys client Janice Clark stops for a moment to listen to the girls play. "I love it, this is great."

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Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

L/A’s Own Home Show!!

Coming to the Androscoggin Bank Colisée Show-only Discounts, Specials & Giveaways from Exhibitors

Saturday Sept. 24th 9am-5pm Sunday Sept. 25th 9am-3pm Engage in Seminars, Q&A’s, and Demonstrations

190 Birch Street in Lewiston Admission Adults $5 Kids 17 & under FREE w/paying adult

www.mainehomeshow.com

Connect with local companies that offer home related products & services

Search Maine Home Show Follow us on Twitter

Attention Business Owners!

PROMOTE YOUR COMPANY AT THE SHOW

Call now to secure your space – space is limited.

Contact Show Organizer Travis Dow by calling

577-2721 or email sales@mainehomeshow.com

www.mainehomeshow.com

Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual

David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day.

This happened due to a glitch in American law at the time.

dition a r T e n i a AM nt On! u o C n a C You

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS

Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM Prime Rib Au Jus* Small $13.25 • Large $15.95

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experi(continued on next page)

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DAILY SPECIALS Monday - 2 Crabmeat Rolls . . . . .$8.50

Friday, Saturday & Sunday IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

Nice try, though.

Served from 10:30-3:30 Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich

Fried Haddock* $11.25

w/salad & chips

Tues. Wed. & Thurs.

Fried Clams - sm. $11.25 . .$14.25 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock* Small $9.75 • Large $13.25

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . . . .$7.95 w/carrots, potato & gravy, rolls

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . .$6.95

Fried Seafood Combo* $16.95

w/potato & rolls

Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . . . . .$8.95 w/potato, choice of salad, coleslaw or vegetable & rolls

We’ve been coming here since it was a truck stop way back when. Great memories and always great food and service.

Baked Salmon $10.95 includes Potato, Choice of Salad or Coleslaw *with Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

l to r: Cindy Rideout, Mildred Rideout, both of Greene; and Barbara Kelley of Jay

BREAKFAST BUFFET

Adults .............$6.95 6 & under .......$3.95

SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Now open from 7am-11am

Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

The Angel Falls in Venezuela were named after an American pilot, Jimmy Angel, whose plane got stuck on top of the mountain while searching for gold.

If it frustrates you that they don't allow laptops on a Ferris wheel, you may be a workaholic. – Dr. Donald E. Wetmore

(continued from previous page)

ence a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use.

When they have completely drained the hotwater tank, they will step (continued on next page)

Jumping fleas can accelerate 50 times faster than the space shuttle.

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(continued from previous page)

Most elephants weigh less than a blue whale's tongue.

out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat."

Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections (continued on next page)

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RESULTS ARE IN! 10 out of 10 families say Thatcher’s in Windham is a must place to eat!!

Before or after the beach is up to you…

RESTAURANT 892-9922

Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm Sun 12 - 8pm

Located at 907 Roosevelt Trail Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere

Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners

Honey bees fly at 15 miles per hour.

Attention Students!

BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL!!

Single Vision Prescription Lense* with frame, poly & anti-reflective coating UA

Must present coupon at time of purchase Not to be combined with other offers • Expires 8/31/11

$

79

only

Now accepting most major insurances

120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

Vision at a Value

Visit us on Facebook

783-4226 *Basic prescription, some limitations may apply, see associate for details

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

(continued from previous page)

Actor Val Kilmer grew up on Roy Rogers' ranch. which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

92-8220

dham • 8

Located

rth Win 15 in No

on Rt. 1

The first computer mouse was invented by Doug Engelbart in around 1964 and was made of wood.

Monday Night Scrambles

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Make your own team or sign up as a single.

Call the club for more information.

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free.

Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

GIFT CARDS available at our online store! www.SpringMeadows.com

Great idea for birthdays & other occasions!

Purchase them at our pro shop, on the phone or now directly form our online store!!

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

2 for 1

Must present this coupon to receive one free green fee for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Mon. thru Thurs. all day, Fri. thru Sun. after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.

ATTENTION FACEBOOK FANS! You can now book a tee time directly from the Spring Meadows FaceBook account. Convenient, fast and easy. Try it today!

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS Check out new website: SpringMeadowsGolf.com

Domain names are being registered at a rate of more than one million names every month.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High."

This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.

If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

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Bill Gates donated close to $100 million to fight AIDS in India. As a percent of his total wealth, this would be comparable to him donating ten cents if he only had $60.

Whether you’re going to the beach, to the races or just hanging out in your own back yard...

Dad’s Place is a great place to fill your cooler!

Dad’s Place

There’s NO PLACE like...

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

"If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse."

– Richard Lederer

Summer Catering From Weddings to Backyard BBQ’s to Company Parties & More!

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Professional service at an affordable price No job too big or too small!

There’s NO PLACE like...

345-9009

Dad’s Place Catering Division

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing

Bacteria: They're the only culture some people have.

The first breakfast cereal ever produced was Shredded Wheat.

You might be a REDNECK if...

"I will never put my name on a product that does not have the best that is in me."

-- John Deere While it took the radio 38 years, and the television a short 13 years, it took the World Wide Web only 4 years to reach 50 million users.

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Out ’n About for Cruise Night at Roy’s All-Steak Hamburgers & Golf Center

E-mail has been around longer than the World Wide Web.

Getting Involved A story about getting involved and making a difference in the lives of twins from Ethiopia.

Did you know Roy’s Cruise Night is every Tuesday night?

This Cruise Night is very well attended. Roy’s does some great advertising to get the word out...

See the Royʼs All-Steak Hamburgers & Golf Center ad on page 19.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Jen and Aaron Stevens with the twin boys, Tesfahun & Mulugeta in a photo taken within minutes of the two boys being reunited in the U.S. for the first time in 6 months.

Story and photos submitted

by Jenʼs mom, Carol Smith Acton, Maine

Ten years ago each member of my family began "sponsoring" a little child from a developing nation. It has been a highlight of our lives. That means that for $1 a day the child receives a healthy meal, clean water, immunizations, and schooling. These children come from communities where water is a luxury, and death from hunger and largely preventable diseases take over 26,000 lives every day. Through the pooled monies; wells are dug, drought tolerant crops planted, urgent medical needs met, and education brought. In time self-sufficiency is realized. Hope and joy are born. I thought I understood the underprivileged of the world.

Then on Christmas day 2010 my daughter and husband brought home their five month old son from Ethiopia. And two months later unexpectedly went back to get his twin brother who was in critical condition. The chances are very great that neither of them would be alive if they had stayed in the country of their birth. Tesfahun had severe diarrhea for three months. Over 6,000 children die every day from diarrhea due to unsafe water in developing countries. Mulugeta had pneumonia caused by Asthma/acid reflux. Pneumonia is the second leading cause of death in children under 5. Medical care is scarce in most African countries.

After reading this, maybe it moves you to get involved and help someone in dire need. Choose a little child who is starving and feed him. Or possibly a couple children who have lost a brother to malaria and provide a bed net. It costs $1 a/day. Currently, Africa is experiencing itʼs worst drought in 60 years.

I chose "World Vision". They have their finger on the pulse of the world's poor. There can be very few greater joys available. You can make an actual difference in the health, length, impact, and joy of a child's life. Visit www.worldvision.org for more information.

One of every 8 married couples in the US last year met online.

Rapper LL Cool J's name is short for 'Ladies Love Cool James'.

WOOD PELLET BLOWOUT SALE! 230/ton

$

100% Maine Wood Pellets $ave on heating costs Environmentally Friendly

Call Today!

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.esmpellets.com Burt Reynolds is a Cherokee Indian.

Happy 4th Anniversary, Honey!!

Proof of Identity My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check.

Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

I love you even more each day!

– Your husband, Travis Travis & Kathy Dow Married August 25, 2007 Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool!

He changed it every 2 innings!

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

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To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine

During his lifetime, Herman Melville's Moby Dick sold only 50 copies.

To err is human; to purr, feline.

For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs

To err is human; two curs, canine.

• Personal Lines • Auto • Boat, RV & Motorcycle • Assets • Home • Commercial Lines • Business • Life Insurance • Employee Benefits • Health Insurance

To err is human; to do nothing, benign.

To err is human; to quit, resign.

To err is human; to howl, lupine.

To err is human; to solve, design.

To err is human; to moo, bovine.

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY 2 locations to serve your needs

To err is human; to soothe, calamine.

To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.

To err is human; to bloom, columbine.

LEWISTON 541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029

BRUNSWICK 92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797

Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875.

To err is human; to prance, equine.

To err is human; to add, combine.

L/A’S NEWEST RESTAURANT

To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.

To err is human; to woo, Valentine.

To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.

To err is human; to straighten, align.

To err is human; to drown, Clementine.

To err is human; to twist, serpentine.

To err is human; to love, sublime.

To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!

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NEW! Expanded Menu

Breakfast Served Daily 6-11

Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner

Family Dining & Casual Atmosphere • Full Bar • Plenty of Parking

Dine Outside on our Deck!

757 Main Street, Lewiston (Across from Marden’s ) • 376-4990 Open 7 days a week 6am-9pm The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned

by Frank Sinatra.

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE QUALITY WORKMANSHIP, OUTSTANDING SERVICE.

20 years of experience

225-5833 576-9070 You dream it.

We’ll build it.

You’ll love it.

Jim, Dan, Art & Shawn

Above-Ground s l o 95 Kits Starting at o P 9 $2,195 d 14, n ou at $ r BEST PRICES -G ng n I rti AROUND! a t S Best Price Guarantee!

• We install all pools, no matter where you bought it • In-ground & above-ground • IMMEDIATE INSTALLATION • Complete restoration • Service & maintenance

• Patios • Retaining walls • All facets of decorative landscaping

WWW.POOLBUILDERSOFMAINE.COM

The kids have all their little SMS codes... like BFF (Best Friend Forever), BTW (By The Way), LOL (Laugh Out Loud), etc.

So here are some codes for seniors: ATD - At the Doctor's

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK”

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair CBM - Covered by Medicare CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers FWIW - Forgot Where I Was GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

20 OFF %

all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out OMMR - On My Massage Recliner OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

of Fenton Glassware!

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE! 20% - 70% OFF

GHA - Got Heartburn Again IMHO - Is My HearingAid On?

Large Selection

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area! (continued on next page)

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There are no penguins in the North Pole.

s Alway g Buyin

(continued from previous page)

To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.

CALL US FOR THE NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATE!

We Buy, Sell & Trade

DRIVING RANGE

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

RESTAURANT

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

MINI-GOLF

Check us out online!

Flashback Sock Hop August 13th

Burgers • Dogs L-A’s Be st Onion Rings Frie s • Ice Cre am

TABERS THE DECK awaits you…

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? WTP - Where's the Prunes

Full Line Gun Smith Service NEW WEBSITE: jtreidsgunshop.com Check us out!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

Open 7 days a week!

Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake) Off Rt. 4 in Auburn

www.tabersgolf.com

Pat’s Pizza 784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I could defend myself."

When you correct for weight differences, men are proportionately stronger than horses.

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Medical Definitions

The smallest known dinosaur is Compsognathus.

ANTIBODY - against everyone BENIGN - what you be after you be eight BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty CHRONIC - neck of a crow COMA - punctuation mark CORTISONE - area around local courthouse

Flies are deaf.

CYST - short for sister DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose DILATE - the late British princess DISLOCATION - in this place DUODENUM - couple in jeans

Auburn Marine & Small Engine has what you need

ENEMA - not a friend FALSE LABOR - pretending to work GALL BLADDER bladder in a girl GENES - blue denim HERNIA - she is close by (continued on next page)

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Auburn Marine Staff: Back (l to r) Bruce Drinkwater, & Paul Rogers Front (l to r) David Higson, Kim Chase & Kelly Chase, Owners & Alan Washburn Kelly Chase & his wife Kim took over Auburn Marine & Small Engine in May. The business, which is located on 65 North River Road in Auburn offers all types of small engine & marine engine repair. The crew at Auburn Marine has over 85 years of combined experience in engine repair.

They have marine engine parts by Mercury Marine, Quicksilver, Johnson - Evinrude, Suzuki, Sierra, Mallory & Honda. Their showroom has boating toys like Knee Boards, Water Skis, Wake Boards, Tow-able Tubes, Tow Rope. They also have Life Jackets, Trailer Accessories, Boat Bumpers, Paddles, Oars, GPS, Fish Finders, VHF Radios, Marine Stereos, Inflatable Boats, Batteries by Interstate, Lubricants and Spark Plugs.

They are here for all your marine and small engine needs. They offer propellers by Mercury, Turning Point, Michigan, Acme & Ambush and offer complete Engine & Repair Drives. Auburn Marine is also an Authorized MTD Dealer for equipment from Yard-man, Bolens, Yard Machines, White Outdoors and Troy-Bilt. They sell and service small gas & diesel engines by Kohler and sell Tanaka yard equipment like Chain-saws, Weed-Wackers and Leaf Blowers. So for all your small engine repair needs, marine needs and almost everything else, check out Auburn Marine and Small Engine today by stopping by their facility at 65 North River Road in Auburn or by calling 784-3888 for more info. They are open 7 days a Week Mon - Sat 8-7, Sun 9-4.

A 4 foot walrus penis bone sold at auction in 2007 for $8,000.

The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

(continued from previous page)

HYMEN - greeting to several males IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known

K N I TH

LABOR PAIN - hurt at work LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss LYMPH - walk unsteadily

Use our advertisers first!!

Tell ‘em Uncle Andy sent ya!

MICROBES - small dressing gowns OBESITY - city of Obe PROTEIN - in favor of teens PULSE - grain

Dogs have been man's pet for over 14,000 years.

PUS - small cat

Colorful Frank hadn't been to a class reunion in decades.

When he walked into this latest one, he

thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

SECRETION - hiding anything SERUM - sailors' drink SUBCUTANEOUS not cute enough

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

RED BLOOD COUNT Dracula

Hey Harry, you got a paperclip?

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

TABLET - small table TUMOR - extra pair ULTRASOUND radical noise

G.A. DOWNING "Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant."

CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Vampire bats adopt orphans, and are one of the few mammals known to risk their own lives to share food with less fortunate roost-mates.

-- Anthony J. D'Angelo Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Trivia If 2 hours ago it was as long after one o'clock in the afternoon as it was before one o'clock in the morning. What time would it be now?

Answer: Nine o'clock.

Since there are 12 hours between the 2 times, and half of that time is six, then the halfway mark would have to be 7 o'clock. If it were 7 o'clock, two hours ago, the time would now be nine o'clock.

When telephone companies first began hiring telephone operators, they chose teenage boys for the job. They switched to women because the teenage boys were wrestling instead of working and pulling pranks on callers.

Trivia Feed me and I live.

Give me drink and I die. What Am I?

For All General Home Repairs & Improvements

HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES Rip & Installed $100 square

ROOFING:

Answer: Fire & Jimbo

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Call for more information and a FREE estimate

No roof too big or too small!

FREE ESTIMATES

Paint Man & Roof dawg are ready to save the day!

• • • •

Carpentry Sheetrocking Plumbing Flooring

784-8922

Interior & Exterior Painting LEAD Smart Renovator Certified Since 2003

Maineʼs First RED HAT “Hoot”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Up to 2 layers • $10 more per square over 2 layers

What’s red and purple, sports feather plumage and bling, and has a distinct call that can bring smiles and laughter to all that hear it? It’s those birds “of a certain age” that seem to be showing up everywhere, particularly in flocks... the Red hat ladies. These ladies are a testament to the fact that you can have fun after fifty. As envisioned by its founder, Sue Ellen Cooper, the Red Hat Society is a global society of women approaching the age of 50 or beyond that connects and supports women in their pursuit of fun, friendship, freedom and fulfillment. Their only requirement is to wear a red hat and purple attire for ages 50 and older, or a pink hat and lavender attire for ages under 50... and to enjoy life!

And that “distinct call”? That’s their kazoos, said to be their official musical instrument. The Old Port in Portland will be awash in this sea of red and purple, and pink and lavender (with an occasional floating boa feather), when Red Hatter’s converge on the Holiday Inn by the Bay in August for a weekend of friendship and frivolity. Calling it a “Hoot” instead of a convention, it promises to be the largest Red Hat event ever held in Maine, drawing Red Hatters from throughout the state, its New England neighbors, and as far away as Canada, Florida and Kansas. The Old Port is sure to be extra lively during this first Maine Red Hat Hoot, to be held August 26-28, 2011. So, if you see them in the Old Port and the Arts District, give them a wave or a honk of your horn. No binoculars needed to spy these colorful birds!

For more information about this event and registration, call Cheryl Dunham at 671-1373, email her at mainehoot@yahoo.com, or visit their facebook page, “Maine’s Red hat Hoot.”

Ants began farming about 50 million years before humans thought to raise their own crops.

When it comes time to give birth, the female shark loses her appetite so she won't be tempted to eat her own pups.

Check Out Our Showroom!

Born Salesman I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer, and a motor from me.

"Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months.

But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

Family Owned & Operated

786-5556

995 Center Street, Auburn • www.granitemarblecountertops.net Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm

The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

Cruizin’ Bike Night at Roy’s All Steak Hamburgers & Golf Center, Rt. 4 Auburn

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.

Bought that, too."

Morning People I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.

"Hi!" exclaimed my peppy mother-in-law.

She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.

"Mom," I interrupted.

"It's five in the morning."

5:30 – 9:00pm One reason that kittens sleep so much is because a growth hormone is released only during sleep.

"Really? What are you doing up so early?"

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The octopus does not have a blind spot.

Job Shadow I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced.

On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Eggcettera Catering U N C LE A N D Y A P

HOME-COOKED MEALS!

E PR O V D

For only $7 each, Dinner for 1-200.

and Dinner To Go

784-5544

Please order one day prior.

Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.

31 Leavitt Street, Auburn

See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com

(first left after the Minot Ave./Hotel Rd. intersection as you head toward Mechanic Falls)

Cash • Check • Major Credit Cards

Dinner To Go August Menu Sun.

Mon.

1

7

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

14

Trivia

21

8

Roast Pork Scalloped Potato Carrots, Roll

9 Shepherd’s Pie Pickled Beets Rolls

15 Broccoli/Chicken Alfredo w/Noodles Green Beans Roll

22 Macaroni & Cheese Sliced Ham Green Beans Rolls

28

Tue.

2

Chicken-Veggie Stir Fry Rice Pilaf Rolls

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

With thieves I consort, With the vilest, in short, I'm quite at my ease in depravity; Yet all divines use me, And savants can't lose me, For I am the center of gravity. Who or what am I?

If you’re too busy to cook and you don’t want fast food, try our

29 Pot Roast Mashed Potato Peas Roll

Wed.

3

Spaghetti w/ Meatballs Green Beans Garlic Bread

10 Macaroni Salad BBQ Ribs Coleslaw, Rolls

16 Smothered Beef Mashed Potatoes Peas, Roll

23 COLD PLATE: Potato Salad Chicken Salad Ham Salad Coleslaw

30 Pork Chop Mashed Potato Green Beans Roll

American Chop Suey Broccoli Rolls

17 Meat Lasagna Salad Garlic Bread

24 Seafood Alfredo Salad Rolls

31 Beef Strogonoff Noodles Carrots Rolls

Thu.

4

Potato Salad BBQ Chicken Coleslaw Roll

11

Fri.

5

13

12

Meat Loaf Baked Potato Carrots, Rolls

18

Baked Stuffed Haddock Mashed Potato Coleslaw, Rolls

20

19

Baked Chicken Breast Mashed Potato Pickled Beets Rolls

25

Fish Chowder Tuna Roll Coleslaw Crackers

27

26

Baked Ham w/Pineapple Mashed Potatoes Carrots, Rolls

Sat.

Fish Chowder, Lobster Seafood Roll Coleslaw, Crackers

Salmon Pie Potatoes Coleslaw Roll

Please order one day prior.

Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.

784-5544

Answer: The letter "V".

See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

The costliest cat ever is named Little Nicky, who cost his owner $50,000.

He is a clone of an older cat.

& Jimbo

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NEXT Level Business Coaching Go Home On Time – Sleep Well At Night

What is business coaching?

Call 207-376-3239 for a confidential 90 minute consultation on any two business issues you are facing – no charge.

Guaranteed to provide you with strategies you can put to use right away.

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

"These Texas women are tough!"

My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu.

Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.

She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The Slave-Maker Ant (Polyergus Rufescens) raids the nests of other ants and steals their pupae. When these new ants hatch,they work as slaves within the colony.

MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERS SHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS We also carry: All other types of firearms Knives • Ammo by the case We Buy - Sell - Trade Finders fee for collections

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at

Rt. 4 • Turner, ME

225-3432

Just past Twitchell’s Airport

g3firearms@megalink.net

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

“If you worried about falling off the bike, you'd never get on.” – Lance Armstrong

4 Monkeys

Diamonds

You gotta take a look at this!

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Sheep can survive for up to two weeks buried in snow drifts.

Lee’s Night at Mario’s Every Monday night in August

Assisted Home Care

CNA’s GREAT PAY & FLEXIBLE HOURS • BASE PAY $13.00 PER/HR Weekend Shift Differentials

Tired of the Same Old Same Old? Come Join Our Team!

If you’re interested in flexible hours and varied assignments, all with an excellent support system, contact us!

Nancy Merrill: Administrator Heather Trainer: Director of Nursing

o me C H d e t s i are s s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston

783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

It is possible to do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

Eleita "Lee" Munroe, wife of Chuck Munroe, mother to Brandon & Lynsey and daughter to Bill & Barbara Stone, needs our help. She recently underwent a stemcell transplant and is battling for her life. Lee has an illness called Myelodysplastic Syndrome which is a blood disorder where the Bone Marrow shuts down and stops producing healthy cells. She recently underwent the transplant at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, after having Bone Marrow donated by her brother Arthur Hawthorne of Winthrop.

Come to Mario's of New Gloucester, located right in town on Route 100, to help raise funds for Lee. 10% of the proceeds of dining room sales every Monday Night from 4p-9p will be donated to help cover expenses for Lee and her family to help them however we can through this difficult period. Also we'd love to have you all join us for a Benefit Spaghetti Dinner for Lee, on September 24th at the First Congregational Church located at 19 Gloucester Hill Rd in New Gloucester.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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“There are three rules to writing a novel, but unfortunately nobody knows what they are.” – W. Somerset Maugham

ED

PLET

COM

ED

PLET

COM

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised

Trucked Out

and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.

My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

Submitted by Big Gare

& another use for duct tape!

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Sometimes we don't have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

We welcome your feedback! Let us know how we’re doing. Call: 783-7039, email: editor@UncleAndys.com or message us on Facebook!

Find us & like us on FACEBOOK

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

– Abraham Lincoln

PAVING & SEALCOATING We also offer: Hardscaping & Landscaping Services Mulch by the bag or truckload • Packing Gravel Top Soil • Crushed Rock & more!

• Professional, Affordable & High Quality Work M&P Property • 20 years experience Management • Commercial or Residential 1339 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • FREE Estimates Moe 577-0690 • Scott 402-510 Excuses For Not Doing Homework: We had homework?!

I walked into a coffee shop to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin; 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, "They've lost the plot!"

–Tommy Parker Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Trivia Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6 rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?

Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

Answer: They are female boxers.

A washroom that was built by Lam Sai-wing is the world's most expensive washroom. He built the washroom for his shop and everything in the washroom is made out of gold and jewels.

It cost $3.5 million to build.

www.abcpool.com

Your kids will always have “Something to do” on those hot summer days. And because your ABC Pool is virtually maintenance free youʼll enjoy it even more.

We offer a full line of above ground pools with a price thatʼs right for any budget.

Trivia A 30 year old man married a 25 year old woman. She died at age 50 and her husband was so devastated that he cried for years. Ten years after he stopped crying, he died. If he had lived to be 80, how many years was he a widower?

Answer: He was a widower for 25 years.

Heather’s Gardens

YOU GROW IT, WE MOW IT!

Specializing in flower garden design and maintenance

Best prices in L/A!!

Lawn mowing & trimming

Greenside Up Lawn Care Heather Martin

576-6814

Degree in Horticulture

HeathersGardens@hotmail.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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713-3566

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: I was trying to keep up with traffic.

Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!

UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP!

HACIENDA HACIENDA EL PATRON PATRON EL Authentic Mexican Cuisines

MEXICAN BAR BAR & & GRILL GRILL MEXICAN SPECIALS

Happy Hour 4-7pm Sun.-Thurs.

2 for 1 Bottled Beer

DAILY SPECIALS

Everyday Special Grande Margarita $6.00 Live Entertainment every Thursday

Weekday Lunch Specials #1-11

Monday. . 40¢ Wings $5.50 Tues.. . . Margarita Pitcher $13 includes soft drink Shot of house Tequila $2.75 99¢ Tacos - beef or shredded chicken Wed. . . . 1 Chimichanga w/rice & beans $6 Thurs. . . 40¢ Wings, 25oz. Big Guy Draft Beer $3.50 Sat. . . . . House shot of Tequila $2.75 Sun. . . . Any combo plate #1-30 just $5

838 Lisbon St. Lewiston 689-3196

Note: specials cannot be combined w/other offers, discounts or coupons. Specials not valid on take-out orders.

www.haciendadelpatronme.com A pat on the back is only a short distance from a kick in the butt.

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher.

"But you only have two ears, boy."

"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"

"To know what you want, to understand why you're doing it, to dedicate every breath in your body to achieve... If you feel you have something to give, if you feel that your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for then there's nothing you canʼt achieve."

– Kevin Spacey The entrepreneur was attempting to sell business supplies in Scotland. He had no difficulty with finding out what kinds of pencils they bought, paper, envelopes, etc., but with pens he couldn't decide whether the expensive or inexpensive ones sold best. So he hired a market researcher.

After he had made a study, he held up one of them and said, "The Scotch take this pen, sir. " Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Troubleshooting I had been doing Tech Support for HewlettPackard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.

Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Australian Graham Barker extracted his own belly button fluff every day for 18 years acquiring a recordbreaking amount of fluff. He hopes to accumulate enough fluff to stuff a pillow.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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"As a teenager you are in the last stage of life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." – Fran Lebowitz

Q). What does Hank Williams Jr, Paul Berube & Webster’s Trading have in common?

Mention this ad and take 15% OFF anything in the store.

Y’all better listen to Hank now, ya hear?

A). A Large selection of firearms!

WE’RE ALWAYS BUYING AND SELLING! Gold, silver, firearms, estates or anything you might think has value! Stop in – Let’s talk!!

We Rent Budget Trucks!

20% OFF Rental with coupon

WEBSTER’S TRADING CO. BUY • SELL • TRADE • PAWN 150 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-6402 www.websterstradingcompany.com You Might Be An Engineer If…The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

You Might Be An Engineer If…You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

Auburn Marine & Small Engine

Blackie’s Farm

Your local full service repair facility

Fresh Produce

Fully stocked showroom!

Open Year Round

Water toys, tubes, skis, wakeboards, kneeboards, ropes, etc.

908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm

65 North River Rd, Auburn Open 7 days a week Hours: M-S 8-7; S 9-4

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 783-7020

784-3888

Building or Remodeling??

Check out our Showroom!!

WE STOCK: Monitors • Rinnai • Radiant (Heating Supplies) Baseboard • 1 & 2 pc Tub & Showers Vanity Tops & Bases • Kitchen & Bath Faucets Toilets • Repair Parts (Plumbing & Heating)

NO INITIAL CHARGES Cancel your annual service today and call...

Maine Seasonal Pest Control Master Applicator

783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706

(207) 346-1678

www.myselco.com

MESeasonalPest@aol.com

Lic # CMA44691/7A7B7E

M-F 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us!

No Separating Required!

July is swarm season!

Andrew Ferguson

1525 Lisbon St., Lewiston

PLUMBING & HEATING SUPPLIES

Marine parts by Sierra, Quicksilver & Mallory Small engines & equipment by Tanaka, MTD, Troy-Bilt, Kohler, Generac Parts for all makes & models

743-3891

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment

HARRIS BROS.

Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

Kids and Their Clichés: I think, therefore I get a headache.

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Sign Interpretation

You Might Be An Engineer If…You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

Get it GONE NOW!!

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

"The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear."

• Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away…

• We bust our butts so you don’t have to!

This is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!

Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!!

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs CALL US FOR A FREE QUOTE!

Farrell Enterprises Over 65?

Ask about senior discounts.

Fully Insured Call for FREE Quote!

782-5300 or 576-2501

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

-- Aung San Suu Kyi Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Canada declared national beauty contests canceled as of 1992, claiming they were degrading to women.

The 1st US federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr. was in 1986.

• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

MELANSON CONSTRUCTION, INC. 84 No Name Pond Road, Lewiston, ME • 784-5899

PAVING

• Residential and Commercial Paving • Sweeping • Seal Coating

Call for FRimEatEes Est

784-5899

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Love Languages "Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day. "Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

Itʼs widely believed that Orville Wright became the first person to be killed in a plane crash.

Actually, on September 17, 1908, U.S. Army Signal Corps lieutenant Thomas E. Selfridge became the first when he and Orville fell from the sky in Wright's airplane at Fort Meyer, Virginia.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.

People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-- Marilyn Monroe The Black Death reduced the population of Europe by one third in the period from 1347 to 1351.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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OUT ʼN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE

The first losing candidate in a US presidential election was Thomas Jefferson.

He lost to John Adams. George Washington had been unopposed.

r

with

Uncle Andy’s Digesters, August is upon us. The midpoint of the summer, where the kids will begin to prepare to return to school for another year and the adults will do what they do all year ‘round and tirelessly struggle Monday through Friday from 9 to 5.

But, it’s not so bad if you think about it. The Red Sox have worked their way back into contention for the division and the NFL lockout is over.

If you’re not a sports buff, then you can take comfort in the fact that the July heat wave is history. Before you know it, the leaves will be changing and the cooler temperatures will be gracing us with their presence.

Enough about weather, how about a warm Uncle Andy’s Digest shout-out to a few featured digesters. Main Street Music Lessons would be a phenomenal place to sign up little Billy or Betsy for music lessons. They provide the best musical instruction possible. With less exposure to the arts in the local schools, it is imperative to keep kids involved and interested in culture rich activities such as arts and music.

So check out Main Street Music and get some music lessons started before the school year – did we mention they do instrument repair & sales too?

If little Frankie has spent his summer like a bump on a log in front of the boob tube, exercising his thumbs playing video games, then maybe Pelletier’s Karate Academy might be a better bet. Pelletier’s has classes

Digest

to benefit Saturday, August 27th Outside at Club Texas 5:30-8:30pm

150 Center St. in Auburn - Stanley Street Parking Lot In case of rain: Inside pub area at Club Texas

all!

Come one, come

H Outdoor BBQ H Live Entertainment Admission just H 50/50 $ H Prizes & Giveaways H Free Sun Damage Screening H Mechanical Bull Round up some friends & H And More! join us for this great event!

10

100% of proceeds go to help local community members in need, through St. Mary’s Center for Cancer & Blood Disorders.

FMI on this event or to donate to the cause, call Travis at Uncle Andy’s Digest at 783-7039 or email travis@uncleandys.com

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The name of the first airplane flown at Kitty Hawk by the Wright Brothers, on December 17, 1903, was Bird of Prey.

The total number of Americans killed in the Civil War is greater than the combined total of Americans killed in all other wars.

(continued from previous page)

for all ages and karate is a fun, great way to learn a new skill, get some exercise and burn a few extra pounds put on from the hot dogs and hamburgers this summer.

Either way Digesters, check those businesses out and don’t forget to tell them Miami Mike sent ya!

That does it for me this month, so, until September my Digesters, read the Digest often and embrace the Maineiac within you.

Trivia If you were to put a coin into an empty bottle and then insert a cork into the neck, how could you remove the coin without taking out the cork or breaking the bottle?

Answer: Simply push the cork into the bottle and shake the coin out.

Trivia A snail is at the bottom of a well 30 feet deep.

It crawls up 3 feet each day, but at night, it slips down 2 feet. How long does it take for the snail to crawl out the well?

Answer: 28 days. Once it reaches the top, it does not slip down 2 feet.

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

September 24th & 25th Androscoggin Bank Colisee in Lewiston MaineHomeShow.com

The Miss America Contest was created in Atlantic City in 1921 with the purpose of extending the tourist season beyond Labor Day.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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fit -n ous

fabu

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: Are you Andy or Barney?

l

SPECIALS Pay as you go Cardio Classes

$5/class was $10 Unlimited Cardio & Fitness Center use

867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033

$50/mo was $65

Class Schedule: Mon.Kick-N-Cardio ZUMBA Tues. XFit BLAST ZUMBA Wed.Kick-N-Cardio Thu. Kick-N-Cardio ZUMBA Sat. ZUMBA

5:30pm 6:30pm 5:00pm 5:45pm 7:00pm 5:30pm 5:30pm 7:00pm 9:30am

That’s over 9 classes offered per week!

Sauna • Massage Tanning • Fitness Facility Cardio Classes Become a fan on

Facebook For Those Who Like it HOT!

Hot Stuff

Tanning Salon & Wellness Center 81 Manley Road, Auburn

784-8900 Mon.-Sat. 9:30am-8pm Sun. 12:30-5:30pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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I want to sell a few more cars this summer for my Daddy before I have to go off to school. Come down and see us for great cars at great prices!

Browse our INVENTORY 06 Audi A4, Auto, 58k, Silver, AWD,Loaded, Bose Audio . . . . . .$16,990 04 Audi Allroad, AWD, Auto, V6, 93k, Black, Loaded . . . . . . . . . .$11,990 04 Audi A6 S-Line, AWD, Auto. 82k, Maroon, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$12,490 03 Audi A6 4.2L, Auto, V8, 97k, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 07 BMW 328xi, 4 Dr., Black, Loaded, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$17,990 09 Chevy HHR LS, Auto, Cardinal Red, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 08 Chevy HHR, Auto, 4 cyl., 82k, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 08 Chevy Malibu, Auto, 54k, Grey, Ice Cold Air . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 07 Chevy Malibu Maxx LT, Hatchback, Auto, 84k, Loaded, Silver . $9,990 07 Chevy Trailblazer LS, Auto, Tow, 4X4,4 Dr., Gray . . . . . . . . . .$11,490 05 Chevy Malibu Maxx, Auto, V6, 85k, White . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,490 05 Chevy Tahoe Z71, Auto, 92k, Silver, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . .$16,490 05 Chevy Equinox LT, 68k, 4DR, Auto, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,990 05 Chevy Colorado Z85, Auto, Black, 91k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,000 05 Chevy Trailblazer LT, Auto, 4x4, Maroon, Loaded, Tow Pkg. . . .$9,990 05 Chevy Suburban, Auto, 84k, Red, Loaded, 4x4, Seats 9 . . .CALL FOR PRICE 04 Chevy Trailblazer LS, Auto, Tow Pkg., 4x4, 86k . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 08 Dodge Ram 2500 SLT, 43k, Auto, 4x4, BOSS Plow, Tow Pkg. .$26,990 08 Dodge Avenger SXT, 68k, Brilliant Black, 4Dr, CD, Loaded . . .$12,990 07 Dodge Caravan SXT, V6, Auto, Dual Sliders, CD, Blue . . . . . . . .$9,990 07 Dodge Ram 1500 SLT, Quad Cab, Tow Pkg., 86k . . . . . . . . . .$15,990 06 Dodge Dakota, 78k, Silver . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 06 Dodge Grand Caravan, V6, Auto, 93k, Red, Loaded, DVD . . .$10,990 05 Dodge Ram 1500 SLT, V8, 4x4, Silver, Loaded, Xcab . . . . . .$11,990 06 Ford F150 XLT, Auto, 4x4, Bed Liner, Tow. Pkg. . . . . . . . . . . .$12,990 04 GMC Yukon, Auto, Silver, Loaded, 4x4 . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 05 Infinity G35x, V6, Auto, Red, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 08 Jeep Compass Sport, V6, Auto, 66k, CD, Silver, Loaded . . . . .$10,990 07 Jeep Liberty Sport, V6, Auto, 4x4, White . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 07 Jeep Liberty Sport, V6, Auto, 89k, 4x4, Black, Loaded . . . . .$11,990 06 Jeep Liberty Renegade, V6, 4x4, Roof Rack, Roof Lights, 93k . . .$12,490 06 Jeep Commander, V8, Auto, Black, 68k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$17,990 05 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, V8, Auto, 4x4, Loaded, 96k . .$12,990 04 Jeep Liberty, Auto, 4x4, 87k, Silver, Power Options . . . . . . . .$10,490 06 MAZDASPEED6 Sport, 6-SPEED, AWD, 99k, Roof, Loaded . . .$12490 06 MINI Cooper S, 2DR, 6-Speed, Blue, 97k, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$12490

Colin Dube Son of Derek Dube, Owner of Lake City Exports 05 MINI Cooper S, 6-Speed, Green, Hatchback, Loaded . . . . . . .$11490 06 Pontiac Montana,V6, Auto, 97k, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 06 Saab 95, Auto, 87k, Blue, Loaded, leather, Turbo . . . . . . . . .$11,490 05 Saab 93, 5-Speed, 68k, White, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 07 Saturn Ion 2, 5-Speed, CD, Loaded, 77k, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,490 06 Saturn Ion 3, 5-Speed, 35MPG, 2DR, Red, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$6,990 06 Saturn Ion 3, 35MPG, 5-Speed, Coupe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,990 05 Subaru Forester XT, Auto, 4 cyl., Silver Loaded, Leather . . . .$10,990 04 Toyota 4Runner SR5, V6, Roof, Auto, Loaded, 4x4 . . . . . . . .$12,990 07 Volvo S60, AWD, Auto, 5Cyl., Grey, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,990 06 Volvo S40 T5, 5 cyl., Turbo, AWD, Auto, Gray, Loaded . . . . . .$12,490 05 Volvo S60 T5 Turbo, 5 cyl., AWD, Auto, Maroon, Loaded . . . .$10,990 05 Volvo XC90, AWD, 98k, Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 04 Volvo XC90, Auto, AWD, Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 08 VW Jetta Wolfsburg Edition, 79k, Auto, CD, Moonroof . . . . . . .$14,990 08 VW Passat Komfort, Auto, 32k, CD/MP3, Green, Loaded . . . .$17,990 07 VW Jetta, 96k, Auto, Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,490 06 VW Passat, 82k, Auto, 4 cyl., Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,490 05 VW Passat GLS 1.8T Wagon, 91k, Auto, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 05 VW Passat GLS 1.8T Wagon, Auto, 91k, Blue, Loaded . . . . . . .$8,990 04 VW Passat GLS, Auto, Blue 94k, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,990 04 VW Passat, Auto, Silver, Loaded, 99k . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 03 VW Jetta, Black, 96k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE

Things not to say to a cop who has pulled you over: Geez, Officer! That's terrific.

The last officer only gave me a warning, too!