UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!
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Priceless AUGUST 2014
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2004 Hummer H2 *Many more vehicles available, stop in & check us out!
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My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA
August 2014 Thursday, August 7th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14437) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member $8.50 Guest Saturday, August 9th Bailey Island Cruise Be there by 11:30am (Chapter 8609) Cooks Landing, Bailey Island $13.50 age 10-64; $11 age 65+; $5 age 5-9 Tuesday, August 12th Taber’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Lakeshore Drive, Auburn $4.50 Member $5.50 Guest Wednesday, August 20th Dairy Joy 3pm – 7pm (Chapter 10589) Campus Ave, Lewiston or Spring St. Auburn $1 per person Tuesday, August 26th Luiggi's 4pm - 7pm (Chapter 12907) Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member $5.50 Guest
Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston
Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston
Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston
Art Chamberlain 207-514-7003 Lewiston
Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston
Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway
Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick
Deb Wagemann* ChFC 207-783-8804 Auburn
*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Wednesday, August 27th Village Pizzeria 11:30am - 1pm (Chapter 10929) 16 Pleasant St, McFalls $5 Member $5.50 Guest PARK TICKETS Aquaboggan $13.50 member; $15 guest Combo Fun/Splash $25.50 member; $27 guest Funtown $18.50 member; $20 guest Santa's Village $27 member; $28 guest Splashtown $18.50 member; $20 guest Storyland $28 member; $29 guest WaterCountry $28 member; $29 guest York Animal Kingdom $10 member; $11 guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.
************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.
Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
AFFORDABLE DENTURES Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!
Also see us for: • Full Dentures
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including metal frameworks
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514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com
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You can't stay young forever; but, you can be immature for your entire life.
At this age I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started.
Wicked Smaaht Submitted by Jimbo
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack!
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
Jimbo UncleAndys.com
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
Sum
The Back Forty Used 2013 Ford Escape SEL
2011 Chevrolet Traverse
2011 Ford Fusion SEL
2011 Toyota Avalon Limited
4WD, Auto, 18k
1LT, White, 3.6L, V6, AWD, 53k
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2012 Toyota Camry Hybrid XLE
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Michael Gahagan & Betsy Coy
It’s what makes the world go ‘round...
Ray Ouellette, Lisa Olmstead & Jesse St. Laurent Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
mmer Deals!
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash! The best date a guy could have.
Car & Truck Center 2012 Toyota Camry LE
2006 Toyota Camry LE
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2013 Toyota Corolla S
2011 Hyundai Sonata Limited
2013 Toyota 4Runner SR5
2012 Toyota Highlander SE
We hope everyone had a great time. Thanks for coming to our BASH!
Franki Tam The man, the myth, the legend at Sea 40
Gray, Manual, 9k
Shimmering White, 2.4L 4cyl., 55k
Gray, 31k, auto, 4WD, V6
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$28,995 A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Visitation
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Submitted by Thomas Hill
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over WalMart. Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
• Group Classes • One-on-One Training • Nutrition Services • Team Training Coaching You to Reach Your Individual Goals
Cal Com l Now fo p r Asse limenta a sme ry nt! 272 Lewiston St. • Mechanic Falls BJ Grondin, CSCS Prime360Training.com • 577-5979 • GrondinFitness@gmail.com
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Mouths of Babes Submitted by Jimbo
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it. The little girl answered the phone obediently saying: “Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.”
It was AnnMarie’s birthday, so we hit the Bash like we owned it.
Christine Wilson, Shawn Wright, Jen Gen Carlton & AnnMarie Gendron
HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268
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SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
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Weddings • Reunions Lobster Feeds • BBQ’s and More! Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!
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Elevator Romance
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Submitted by Jimbo
Mike Morin’s
r ar! u O Ye th 19
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.”
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Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”
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Mike Morin
The survival of the fittest is going to make someone awful lonesome some day.
Twisted Scissors Back to School Special
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9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston
312-5478
Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce
Open Year Round 908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm
996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 786-4356
How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.
The Pencil Principle Submitted by Thomas Hill
A mother complained to my wife, a school teacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
Gotta LOVE the Chick! Boiled Lobster Dinners ∞ Fresh Steamer Clams ∞ Fresh Fried Whole Belly Clams Fried, Baked, Broiled Seafood Entrées ∞ Awesome Salad Selections Lobster Stew ∞ Fish Chowder ∞ Sandwiches ∞ Lobster Subs ∞ Kids Menu
“It’s not the money you understand, it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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You’re gonna love it!
of Lewiston
1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 • ChickadeeLewiston.com
Want us to cater your next event? Food & Beverage - We do it! Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches? We got it! Platters for 15 or 30 people? We do it! Call for more info.
I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.
In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.
Out ’n About at Luiggi’s in Lewiston on Spaghetti Day We hope you enjoy this sneak peak into the behind the scenes at Luiggi’s.
Tyler Palmer
Spaghetti day always makes me think of that movie Lady and the Tramp.
Morgan Hubbard Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
Jimbo UncleAndys.com 11
Out ’n About at the Blue Goose
I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.
with the Chamber for Business After Hours
Gary & Jennifer Ross It takes the new guy to finally get my picture in Uncle Andy’s Digest, nice!
I may be getting older, but I've still got it! Lately however, nobody wants to see it.
Bert Cote Owner of Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall
Wasting Time Submitted by Thomas Hill
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I'm just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of bull fighters everywhere!
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL".
Sweet Pea Desi g ns Flower Shoppe
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash! Say cheese, Jimbo!
777-1520
Stop telling me what to do!
Weddings • Receptions & Parties Proms • I Love You’s • Birthdays Funerals • Showers & Just Because
sweetpeafloraldesignsme.com • la.ouellette@gmail.com Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Thomas & Jimbo reminisce of when they first met and became fast friends almost 10 years ago.
Straight Talk. Practical Solutions. We speak a language YOU understand!
Ask About Home Visits! We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters. Ca
Shawn Wright & Tommy Hill
ll for y our FR EE consult ation!
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207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston LewistonMaineLawyers.com The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.
Ashley & Sarah Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Backfired
If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.
Submitted by Jimbo
Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”
In Living Color Submitted by Thomas Hill
Uncle Andy walks into a design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Uncle Andy: Can you make a color copy? Owner: Do you have the original? Uncle Andy: No. Just this one.
Driving Range • Mini Golf • Restaurant • Ice Cream
Try Deep Four rie Oreo d Sunda e! S
TABERS 470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn
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imply Delici ous!
a& ken, tun salad! de chic spinach n omema e h k r ic u h o dc e Try ll ri g & NEW ter rolls
lobs
Open 7 days a week!
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
We employ Advanced Master ASE certified technicians, and have State-of-the-art diagnostic equipment and training to provide Quality Service. Call today for a FREE quote. than you We’re closer a 5 minute think! Only e Ramada. th drive from
Owner: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version. Uncle Andy (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier?
FAMILY FUN!
Having a BLAST!
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when threeyear-old Billy began to wail.
Tony Girouard Owner
183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon qualitycareautorepair.com
353-9862
Some people's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells.
A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
Dress Code Submitted by Jimbo
WOW!
Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...
Mens & Boys CUTS for
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
$
12
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts
Marcel’s Barber Shop
54 Mill Street, New Auburn
783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm
e m o r d l o l Ro
Since 1954
Where Good Skaters Meet
Available for private parties
EDULE SUMMER SCesH20+ 7:30-10pm
ts - Ag Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 All Skating 7: Friday Nights pm ght 7:30 - 10 ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh pm 10 30 - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940
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COME AND ENJOY OUR OUTDOOR SEATING!
Little Uncle Andy opened the big family Bible hoping to view some pictures. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it suspiciously. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mom, look what I found,” Little Uncle Andy called out. “What have you got there, Andy?” With astonishment in Little Uncle Andy’s voice, he answered, “I think it's Adam's underwear!”
Join Our Mug Club 21 Draft beers
Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings!
k Drin l s Al cial e p S th! Mon
Mon: Tues: Wed: Thurs: Fri: Sat: Sun:
Burger Nights w/2 sides . .$6.99 . . . . . .Pitchers $8.00 Open Mic Night . . . . . . . .$2.00 PBR Whiskey Drinks $1.00 off . .50¢ Wings . . .$5.00 Martinis Happy Hour! . . . . . . . . . .$2.00 Drafts Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Home Cooked Meals: Pot Roast, Meat Loaf, Turkey Dinners
the Home of Co. Engine er Burg
Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz
I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
New7 Second Auburn Social Club Street, Auburn • 782-9039 August 15th & 16th Balloon Festival
BANDS BOTH NIGHTS! Food & $1.00 Can Beer
Fri. Audio Vibe 6-10pm • Sat. 4Play 6-10pm
Dart & Pool Leagues starting soon!
BOTTLE DRIVE Sat. Aug. 23rd
9:00am–3:00pm Bring your bottles to Rolly’s Diner Parking Lot or return your bottles to Wheelers in New Auburn – mention the Marshall Popcorn Truck Fund.
All monies from the returns go to the repair of Marshall Popcorn Truck. Yard Sale 9:00am–3:00pm and Pig Roast 3–5:00pm • Call LeRoy FMI @ 577-2694
Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.
Need a Desk? An Office Chair? Or maybe a new Filing Cabinet? AFFORDABLE OFFICE SOLUTIONS Maine’s OFUSA Dealer
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550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston CubiclesinMaine.com • 207-783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE
I'm really into Grandfather clocks... Big time.
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Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.
We Furnish Solutions!
The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig". It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Out ’n About at the Battle of the Boats
Summer is More Fun When You Bring Heidi’s Along!
Hosted by Community Credit Union
HEIDI’S is the perfect stop before heading to the beach, the park or anywhere!
Kerry Wood President/CEO of Community Credit Union presents 4th Place in the tournament to Daniel Fortin & Brian Dube.
HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm
Locally Owned & Operated
600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • HeidisAuburn.com
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Kerry Wood presents 3rd Place in the tournament to Mark Olko & Randy Gayton.
Kerry Wood presents 2nd Place in the tournament to Joshua Blackwood & Kevin Busch.
Kerry Wood presents 1st Place in the tournament to Mark Estrella & Dave Cousins.
Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it, too.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Dinner is on me tonight, honey!
In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...
NO PROBLEM!
Come join the family!
• Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate
Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Bob Smith won a gift certificate to Dad’s Place in Mechanic Falls.
333-0364
I bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
You better LIKE Uncle Andy’s Digest on Facebook for chances to win fabulous prizes!
Summer is here!
On the Lookout Submitted by Jimbo
Police are hunting the 'Knitting Needle Bandit', who stabbed six people in the back side recently. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Front Row L to R: Mallory & Dan Middle Row: Penny, Marek, John, Eli & Gavin Back Row: Sarah, Brad, Ryan & Steve
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Occasionally I question my sanity - sometimes, worryingly, it replies.
NEED TO DO A FUNDRAISER? See back cover to learn more. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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It was so cold last winter that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
A book just fell on my head... I've only got myshelf to blame.
Out ’n About at Luiggi’s in Lewiston
FREE Kids Haircut
on Spaghetti Day
Mom, book a cut and color and get a Kid’s Cut Absolutely Free!
We average 35 pounds of spaghetti served on Wednesdays!
(Up to 10 years old)
Call for an appointment! 71 East Avenue • Lewiston
783-3321
www.cassiels.com
Lynnette Clark Not to mention 6 pots of sauce and 50 pounds of meatballs!!
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
Dalton Burns
Auburn Suburban Little League 9/10 year-old All-Stars, District 5 Champions These ball players went on to compete in the state tournament and finished 3rd in the state!
There's a spider living in my keyboard, but it's alright, I've got him under control.
Sandy Larochelle Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Where You’re Like One of the Family! ce, “Try us on regular!” you’ll be a
Main Street Market should start delivering...
Drew, Kaitlyn & Alicia at Bubble Rock in Acadia National Park
Tina Jennings & Scott Cote
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more! 2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502 OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
2 LARGE 1-TOPPING PIZZAS ONLY $
16.99 Expires 8.31.14
Man walks into seafood shop and says “Can I have a lobster tail please?” The owner says “Sure, Once upon a time...”
with
SPRQ-tacular Savings!
August 25th through September 6th
Back to School Live Sale & Open House Saturday, Sept. 6th Noon-7pm Class Demos, Giveaways galore, Extra Special 1 day pricing
ial c e Sp ing Greg Keneborus Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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ric y P er a D ool 1 each w/scbhadge T & ID cials Spe
FITNESS 20 Main St., Sabattus (2nd Floor)
375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com
I was brought up to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be... Turns out the police call that identity theft!
Ten Dollars
I hate it when people leave the fridge open. It’s not cool.
Submitted by Thomas Hill
We have the loan for you! Auto • Recreational • Personal Call Michele, Dane or Ken today!
George and his wife Bessie went to the county fair every year. This was their "big" event of the year. In fact, it was the closest thing they ever had to a vacation. Each year George would say to Bessie, "I sure would like to ride in that there crop dustin', acrobatic airplane." And each year Bessie would say, "I know George, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars. And ten dollars is ten dollars."
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At Great Falls FCU we’re not full of hot air!
Vehicle supplied by Emerson Chevrolet for photo shoot.
Great Falls Federal Credit Union Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 GreatFallsfcu.com Restrictions & qualification apply
One year George and Bessie went to the fair and George said, "Bessie, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance." Bessie replied, "George, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars. And ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I've seen you here year after year. I know you've been wanting to ride in my airplane all that time. I also know that money is pretty important to you, and you don't part with it lightly." "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can both keep (continued on page 23)
Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilaf.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at Luiggi’s in Lewiston
I learned everything I know about the trapeze online, I couldn't have done it without the net.
on Spaghetti Day
32 years later and I’m still smiling!
Since 1953
www.LuiggisPizzeria.com
SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
Baked Ziti
The Fergy
Meatball Subs
Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink
THURSDAY Theresa Roy
Mini Pizza
FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza
Uncle Andy, I can’t be bothered right now. Get out of my kitchen!
SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50 After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now!
Tammy Truman Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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This reminiscing is great and all, Nana... can we eat NOW?! We love to stop in when we’re in the area. It’s great to see Luiggi’s doing well!
Out ’n About at Luiggi’s in Lewiston
Previous owner (2nd from left), Bev Derosier with some of her family, Bryant, Jacob, Janelle Caron & Alexandra. My friend went to a Star Trek fan convention dressed as Chewbacca... It was a wookie mistake.
(continued from page 21)
Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 $10 off for ANY Service with this Coupon!
Scooter
OUR TIRES
• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections
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I got a trumpet for my birthday, but it's still in it's box... I'm not one to toot my own horn.
Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it! I just can’t get enough of Rolly’s blueberry pancakes!
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
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Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.
quiet for the entire ride, and not say one word, I won't charge you a thing. But if you say even one word, it'll cost you ten dollars." George and Bessie agreed. They got in the plane and took off. The pilot did all kinds of twists, turns, rolls, and dives, but he didn't hear a peep from George or Bessie. He tries his fastest upside roll and it was still quiet from the back. When they landed, the pilot looked at George: "Well, I don't believe it George, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell, but you didn't." George replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Bessie fell out of the airplane...." "But, ten dollars is ten dollars."
Perspective Submitted by Thomas Hill
A little boy got lost at the gym and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little kid before?” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.
The Beauty Miss Maine was one of the bartenders!
The Brawn security was not an issue at the Sea Bash!
Take that!!!
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Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then!
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Jeff & Suzi Akerley
Beau & Apryl Blais
JoAn & Dan Larrivee
Would you take a look at that... First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Right Answer
Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months.
Submitted by Jimbo
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
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"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell (continued on next page)
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(continued from previous page)
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Stop by during the Balloon Festival for L/A’s Best Seafood! Large Groups Welcomed - Call Ahead Private Function Rooms Lounge and Dining Room Full Bar• Plenty of FREE Parking “Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.
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Our Fried Oreo Sundae is calorie-free and is to die for.*
Lily Grant & Chole Morin at Tabers *We may have made up the part about being calorie-free. But it’s so yummy you won’t even think about calories.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semitruck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
Jimbo UncleAndys.com 27
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Makes Sense Submitted by Jimbo
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
Andy Valley Cal Ripken 10 Year Old State Champions
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”
Decisions Submitted by Thomas Hill
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
Back Row: Coach Peter Doucette, Scorekeeper Peter Merrill, Manager Darryl Gibson & Coach Peter Keefe. Middle Row: Hunter Gibson, Jay Hawkes, Darick “DJ” Whitney, Ethan Cutler, Wyatt Knightly & Jack Keefe. Front row: Andrew Merrill, Noah Pratt, Dean Sinkler, Isaiah Oufiero & Matt Doucette
This group of all-stars went undefeated through districts and the state tournament. They represented Maine in the Regionals in New Hampshire and went 2-2. Great run, boys!
Cool
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
Sequence Photography
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.
Ron Chicoine, MD for County Commissioner
I ask for your vote November 4th “On Call for Lewiston.” Paid for and authorized by the candidate. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com
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The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations. It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.
The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
This magazine is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Send us your jokes.
Cool Sequence Photography
Thrifty Submitted by Thomas Hill
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?” “Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
We’ll get you published! Send them to editor@UncleAndys.com for consideration
“And for a shave?” “Ten dollars.”
HUGE INVENTORY SALE! We are overstocked on guns and ammo
CALL FOR NEXT HAND GUN CLASS
J.T. REID’S GUNS We buy, sell & trade Jamie Pelletier, Manager
jtreidsgunshop.com
Full Line Gunsmith Service
86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579
My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period.
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
Rules are Rules Submitted by Jimbo
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library and asked me to help him with a situation... A woman had breastfed her infant and forgotten to tuck herself back in. I walked over to her and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers in the library.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at the Blue Goose
I'm as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
with the Chamber for Business After Hours
Patti Gagne & Pamela Dube The GOOSE. It is what it is. Awesome!
It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!
Abdirisak holds up two winning traditions
Did You Know? Heinz Catsup can be squeezed out of the bottle at 25 miles per hour. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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No aflac here... Just the Goose!
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no wait, I take that back.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Texting 101
A fresh perspective for Lewiston! Patti Gagne
What matters for Lewiston, What matters for Maine
Learn more at: PattiGagneforSenate.com Paid for and authorized by Patti Gagne for Senate, Pam Remieres-Morin, Treasurer
• Welfare Reform • Education • Tax Burden • Citizen Voices
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
GET YOUR BACK-TO-SCHOOL LOOK HERE!
We are a full service salon
AUGUST SPECIAL Spend $100 on any services with Kelly D or Camille
and receive up to $20 in FREE product! 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston • 786-4311 Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 8am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.
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Tough Love
The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
Submitted by Thomas Hill
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
Pound for Pound Submitted by Jimbo
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse as she made a notation on my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. “I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!
Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.
2 for 1
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ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.
WEEKEND 9 HOLE SPECIAL Play 9 holes with cart
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Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586
for $25 before 7am & after 2pm
Saturdays & Sundays in August.
GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
Jim’s Rent It
• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles
Lowest priced car rental in the area! Car accidents, no problem! We offer insurance-paid car rentals
Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?
Retail • Wholesale • Redemption • Liquor Store 5 Locations for Your Convenience!
Sabattus Street, Lewiston
Lisbon Street, Lewiston
Main Street, Auburn
WHAT’S BREWING AND ALWAYS NEW Minot Ave, Auburn
August Special Pinnacle Vodka 1.75L $17.99 All Flavors
YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS TEXT to WIN this Vending Cooler! Text Roopers at 41411 to enter!
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545 Minot Ave. Auburn • 783-2047
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Dog Dictionary
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Submitted by Thomas Hill
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: (continued on next page)
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Family Friendly Dentist ~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997
Accepting New Patients! James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122
Most Insurances Accepted
Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?
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Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
(continued from previous page)
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Happy Hour Monday-Thursday
2-5pm
1/2 price Appetizers 2 for 1 Singha Beer
Try Our All Day Specials! Monday: Pad Thai Only $7.95 Tuesday: Curry Wednesday: Chicken Ka-Pow
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Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the (continued on next page)
I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which was a lot cheaper.
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(continued from previous page)
sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.
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BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
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Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.
I think I’m a better poser...
Dear Pets Submitted by Thomas Hill
Dear Beloved Pets: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Miss Maine gives posing lessons to the next potential Miss Maine, Beau Blais
A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.
Uncle Andy broke wind on an elevator today. It was wrong on so many levels.
Rejected Rejection Submitted by Jimbo
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Dear Ms. Ezell: Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, Marc Taylor
Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler 15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn. Mon - Fri 8:00am - 4:30pm
615-7057 or 795-8887 Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark... You know what you’re doing but nobody else does!”
Caught red-handed doing a selfie
–– Jay Jay Conrad Conrad Levinson Levinson Guerrilla Guerrilla Marketing Marketing
We were undercover and backed up security all night. Don’t tell mom.
Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business and next thing you know they’ll be demanding a curtain call.
Kali Simpson & Shelby Rucker
Jesse & Stephanie (Roop) St. Laurent The neighbor asked if he could use our lawnmower, "of course", I said, "as long as you don't take it out of our yard". Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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’s l Maine Centra opular most p ion! at public
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com
I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.
Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Security!!! Stalker alert!
"I can't believe it, " said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?" "Well, that's hard to say, " replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday." If some people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.
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Job Interview Submitted by Jimbo
The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
I’m abandoning my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
Willow Tree Primitives Lewiston’s Finest Primitive Shop
OPEN HOUSE Friday, Saturday & Sunday, September 5th - 7th
20% OFF in-stock items (excludes furniture)
850 Main St. Lewiston • 754-8784 • Open 6 Days 10am - 5pm; Sundays 10am-4pm
willowtreeprimitiveshop.com
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
Exercise Submitted by Thomas Hill
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. Hall of fame pitcher Jim Palmer won 268 games in a 19 year career with the Baltimore Orioles. He never gave up a grand slam home run. Submitted by Richard Collins
How about you stop staring and give me a push?
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551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 777-1155 • Schemengees.com
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Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Some of the hard working crew behind the scenes at the Sea Bash.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Let’s show ‘em how it’s done...
9 Places We Never Remember to put Sunscreen: 1. Ears 2. Scalp 3. Eyelids 4. Armpit Skin 5. Under straps 6. Tops of feet 7. Back of hands
Just doing what the T-shirt tells me...
8. Back of knees 9. Lips
Don Chabot I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?
All About U Salon 41 Broad Street, Auburn
784-5407
Enter to WIN our Back to School Giveaway!
Tim Rucker & Laurie Ouellette Tim views the world in a whole new light.
The ice luge was my favorite event at the Sea Bash.
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Forget health food. I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get.
Brooke Mathieu Is that a point and click camera, Uncle Andy?
Lisa & Tony Olmstead and Kristena & Jessie Moody Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
I work for a living, I don't live for working.
DOES YOUR BUSINESS HAVE TOP OF MIND AWARENESS? Advertising choices are many. Marketing dollars are few.
Choose wisely! UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST: • Covers Lewiston & Auburn and 17 surrounding towns in Central Maine. • Is distributed to nearly 1,000 locations: offices, malls, shopping centers, financial institutions, doctor & dentists offices, restaurants, convenience stores and more! • Is also online. You can read our entire magazine in high definition and readers can hyperlink to your website right from our publication! • Has a huge social media following. 21,000+ fans on its Facebook page. An added benefit to promote your business online. • Will work with you one on one to create effective marketing campaigns. • Has a 30 day shelf life. People pick up and hang onto our magazine all month. • Has been part of this community since 1996. Bottom line, our formula works.
Playing House Submitted by Jimbo
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means." The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Contact us today!
For the first 8 years of his life, Babe Ruth lived above his father's saloon in Baltimore. The location of this long ago saloon has recently been found. It was located under what is now short center field at Camden Yards, home of the Baltimore Orioles.
207-783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com • UncleAndysDigest.com
Submitted by Richard Collins
Some days I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
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Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
HOT? It sure is!
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Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Out ’n About at the Battle of the Boats Hosted by Community Credit Union Fishin’ is livin’!
Crew fast Clubvier, Bria & Brian Dunk a e r B e Xa Th bie Pelletier, r,
en, Ab Pelletie R: Natalie Gre Lunn, Laurie Front row L to L to R: Andrew & Brianna ey bl Si y ts Be row o bomber: can. Middle ce Lare. Phot ni Ja & r te ar Christina C
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John Volkerni ck, from the An droscoggin Bassmasters getting some assistance fro future anglers, m Abbie Pelletie r, Xavier Dunc Chase Hogan an, and Trent Sibl ey.
Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I invented a substance that can eat through anything, but I can't find a place to store it.
Trickery Submitted by Thomas Hill
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Three men were all very bad. The all died and went to hell for the sins they had committed. The devil told them, "if you can trick me, I'll set you free to have another chance in the world." The first man hid behind a huge puff of smoke. He said, "Devil, find me!" The devil quickly found him and sent the man to hell.
Just past Reggie’s Kawasaki, before Highmoor Farm
I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.
The second man laid under a wall of fire and said, "Devil find me!" The devil found him and did the same. The third man asked for a bucket. He poked a bunch of holes in it and sat down. Then, he farted. He said, "Devil, which hole did it come out of?"
2013 was an amazing run. Attending game 6 of the World Series to see the Red Sox clinch the series was nothing but AWESOME!
The BoSox have a rich history and I love historic factoids.
The devil pointed to one of the holes on the bucket. The third guy stood up and pointed to his butt, and said, "No, this one."
Study Results Dave Turcotte & Frank Walsh enjoying the ring ceremony at Fenway Park for the Red Sox opening day game in April. Each player was presented their World Series ring as 2013 World Champions.
Love may not make the world go round, but it sure can make you dizzy.
A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.
The boys of SKÖSH
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Sea40 Japanese Cuisine
40 East Ave., Lewiston
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795-6888 www.sea40me.com
I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone! – Uncle Andy
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
It’s my BIRTHDAY!!!
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
: U O Y G N I T C PROTE s What We Do.
I wish it was my birthday!
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Thomas Hill s Kerrie Robbin Specialist
232 Center St., Auburn
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I've just joined a reggae band, playing the triangle, I stand at the back and ting.
Someone once told Dizzy Dean that he bragged a lot. It ain't bragging if it's true, Dizzy replied. Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with August 2014
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Out ’n About at the Blue Goose
Hipsters never burn their tongue, because they won't touch anything that aint cool.
with the Chamber for Business After Hours
Bruce Bickford State Representative
& Carolyn Tredwell YMCA
No autographs please!
Donna Giroux, Marcel Chasse & Brenda Pelletier
Earl & Angie St. Hilaire Owners of Blue Goose & Luiggi’s Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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I'm not a fan of currant jelly, I prefer the Old School kind.
The View
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A Full Service Salon 1117 Center St., Auburn (behind Met Life) • 784-3522 Find us on facebook
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Make something idiot proof and soon enough along will come a better idiot.
1st Annual Pathways Inc.
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Monday, August 25th, 2014 Martindale Country Club 527 Beech Hill Rd. Auburn, ME
Prizes (including $5,000 hole-in-one) and Raffles Scramble (best ball rules) • Lunch • Appetizers • Cash Bar FMI or Sponsorship Opportunities: Patti Ellery 795-4085 x2202 or Cathy McDonald 212-8227 38 Minot Ave. P.O. Box 1267 Auburn, ME 04211-1267
www.pathwaysmaine.com There's a vicious new computer virus being spread through Twitter, apparently it's untweetable!
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view (continued on next page)
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(continued from previous page)
of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
I took a blood test at the hospital today, this kleptomania's getting out of hand.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with beautifully descriptive words.
Out ’n About at the Blue Goose
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly (continued on page 54)
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Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer.
(continued from page 52)
turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?
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The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
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Is a sleeping bull a bulldozer?
Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, but he appeared out of nowhere!
LEGO Drum Kits. If you can't beat them, join them.
Fast Thinker Submitted by Thomas Hill
See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.
An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. BrantfordTM High-Arc Hands-Free Single-Handle Pulldown Faucet with MotionSense / 7185E Optional deckplate included
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Tim Fox Branch Manager 514-1104 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Pat Bolduc Showroom Manager 514-1137 • pbolduc@redlon-johnson.com Bill Eccleston Showroom/Inside Sales 514-1136 • beccleston@redlon-johnson.com
It's nuts this craze of cow tipping. What would they do with the cash anyway?
As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!” The old man thought for a second and said, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator!”
Stay cool my friends.
I had a steak at this restaurant last night that mooed at me... I thought, that's rare.
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My friends girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" He immediately popped the question.
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