UAD - December 2012

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

THE MOST UNUSUAL DIGEST IN AMERICA

FREE December 2012

LOOKING TO REFINANCE? Look No Further!

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• Conventional • FHA • VA • MSHA • RD Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551

181 Center St., Auburn • www.rmsmortgage.com • dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions.

Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

Armandsab@aol.com

Shown: One-of-a-kind Watermelon Tourmaline

Maine Gemstone Headquarters Come see us at our NEW location at 145 Main Street in South Paris! (across the street from our old location)

145 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

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Test Flight

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.

Submitted by Jimbo

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled.

He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in,fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

2

DECEMBER 2012

783-7039

Sensei Pelletier’s

FAMILY FUN DAY EVENT When: Jan. 11th, 4-7pm Where:

Lewiston Armory; 65 Central Ave.

Why:

Help raise funds for Sensei Rich Pelletier of Pelletier’s Karate, who is fighting stage 3 brain cancer

Silent Auction Items DJ & Dancing Games Bouncy House 50/50 Face Painting Karate Demo Thank you to our sponsors:

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST For more information, contact Sadie Holm at Pelletier’s Karate: 786-3731 So the Mayans could see the end of the world in 2012 but couldn't see the Spanish coming in 1520?

Why Santa Wants a Raise: The hours, the weather and the trend toward smaller chimneys.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA DECEMBER 2012 Sunday, Dec 2nd Sabattus American Legion Breakfast 7:30am – 10am (Chapter 12907) Post 135, Island Rd., Sabattus $4 Member, $5 Guest Wednesday, Dec 5th The Green Ladle Culinary Arts Noon - Sharp (Chapter 14437) 156 East Ave. Lewiston HS $8 Member, $9 Guest Sunday, Dec 9th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 10589) Lewiston/Auburn $3.50 Member, $5.50 Guest Sunday, Dec 9th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member, $5 Guest, Child / 10 free Thursday, Dec 13th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston $8 Member, $8.50 Guest Tuesday Dec 18th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Market Place Mall, Lewiston $3 Member, $4 Guest Thursday, Dec 20th Center St Café 7am – 10am (Chapter 8609) 945 Center St. Auburn $5 Member, $5.50 Guest

You might be a Redneck if... You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

Why Santa Wants a Raise: Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.

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Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

DECEMBER 2012

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See us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures

• Rebases • Relines • Repairs

Picture of Patience

I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die and I’m pretty surprised 'Yell for help' wasn’t one of them.

MARTY ANGIE Goal Oriented

TOM Social Media Mogul

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.

Go to the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page to enter to win this Kindle Fire!

It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

4

DECEMBER 2012

783-7039

Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

Facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest

Go Patriots!

Your children need your presence more than your presents.

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill for their beer tasting dinner event

It’s all happening at Mac’s!

Come check it out.

Dawn Cureton

Brian Briggs & Terry Girouard

Hey, did you see my birthday bash pictures in last month’s Digest?

"The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing." – Marcus Aurelius

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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5

New Policy

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: No one would ask to see your job description.

Submitted by Jimbo Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated; 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French; 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked; 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

6

DECEMBER 2012

783-7039

TIME TO CASH IN! Special pricing for quantities and contractors!

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Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes) We’ll help you unload.

We look forward to seeing you!

My job is to write YOU a big check!

Nobody pays higher prices then us. Stop by and see for yourself.

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Gary McCraw (L) Lennie Shanahan (R)

Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm 615-7057 or 795-8887

Bev & Peter

Why Santa Wants a Raise: The reindeer and elves have unionized.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

YOUR TACTICAL WEAPON HEADQUARTERS SIGHTS, SCOPES & LASERS, GRIPS & MORE AMMO OF ALL TYPES, CALIBERS & QUANTITIES

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Family owned & operated local area business for over 10 years.

Archery lessons, lanes, rentals, sales, service, & custom strings.

CMA’s first tournament of the year, and Rick shot a perfect score of 300 with 60xs, shown here with his son Mike, a former New England JOAD champion.

Handguns Rifles Shotguns Ammo

213 Washington St. • Auburn • 783-3060 centralmainearchery.com

(continued from previous page)

appear to be in order; 6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one; 7) The seven swans-aswimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement; 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.

The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try amending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping (continued on next page)

“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” – Japanese Proverb

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

7

(continued from previous page)

is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

Comprehensive Family Dental Care in a relaxing, comfortable atmosphere

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line; Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.

Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

8

DECEMBER 2012

783-7039

Now Accepting New Patients

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. 1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston (lower level)

376-4977 Financing options available Same Day Emergency Care

www.kevinconnellydmd.com Paperclips are staples for people with commitment issues.

Breaking News: Willie Nelson hit by a car. He was playing "On the Road Again."

Having a party and don’t have time to cook?

We’ve got the answer! PICK UP & GO! Platters • Finger Roll • Sandwich • Meat & Cheese • Veggie • Fresh Fruit • Wraps • Dessert

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23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.dadsplace.info

My girlfriend has just left me saying I spend too much time devoted to my studies of Roman Numerals. I’m L I V I D.

Merry Christmas from all of us at Dad’s Place!

New Menu Items!

Try one of our new Specialty Pizzas: Chicken Alfredo Supreme, Hooter Supreme or Dad’s Supreme! YUMMY!!

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I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. – G. K. Chesterton

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

9

Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

Why Santa Wants a Raise: Mrs. Claus told him so.

The holiday season is a great time to get or give a salt water tank!

Let us pack & ship your holiday packages!

We are now an official UPS shipper.

Gift cards make a great gift for that someone special!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Allison Geagan

END OF THE WORLD PARTY! Friday, Dec. 21st Great Music • Great Friends

Happy Hour Mon-Fri 2-7pm

ep glass buy Stella & ke

Tues.

Open Mic Wed. Open Mic Nite Fri. Ladies Night Sun. Sports

Meghann Blethen I saw this young fella at Benoit’s Wine Cellar. How’s that for a rhyming slogan, Bill?

Monday $ 6.99 Burgers

Nov. 2nd thru Dec. 28th

SHOCK TOP BEER PROMOTION

Tues.

Open Mic Nite

Text to win free ski pass @Sugarloaf every Friday

FREE SNOWBOARD GIVEAWAY Drawing Dec. 28th

Bean Suppa h

47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959

thefirehousegrille.biz

Every Saturd Large “And ay y’s Baked Bean ” special

$

7.50

Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar

Bill Dodge & Henry "Hank" Bernier

Lisa Kiley, Louise Gravel, Michelle Gravel & Laurie Brooks

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

"I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is." – Forest Gump

& Jimbo

10 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Tree Topper

I'm not sure which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?

Submitted by Jimbo

• Fresh Fried Baskets

Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”

Shrimp, Haddock, Scallops, Clams includes French Fries, Coleslaw & Dinner Roll

• Fish Chowders • Lobster Stew • Clam & Seafood Chowders

Stop in and grab a quick lunch!

“If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!”

We ship anywhere in the US

22 Mill St., New Auburn • 782-3150 • Open daily 9am-6pm

Roller Skating = Family Fun Skate Schedule

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Find us on Facebook

www.rollodrome.com

WOW!

Thursday Night

Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

You know you are no longer young when you hear a favorite song in an elevator.

Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!!

Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

11

Whenever two fishing lines are contiguous, they will become continuous. – Rubin’s Law of Fishing Lines

Merry Christmas Ann Dumais

Kelly Giambra

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch

Lisa Olmstead

Pauline Guimond

& Happy New Year to all of our clients!

Gift Cards Available

December Special Suggested Retail $35

ExquisiteOil Angela Brissette

Lysa Ronan

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Shampoo & Conditioner

We are a full service salon ✮ Licensed Aesthetician ✮ Licensed Massage Therapist ✮ Full range of skin care including Glycolic Peels ✮ All waxing services including Brazilian Wax ✮ Tinting - eyelashes & brows ✮ Mens & Womens Cuts ✮ Children’s cuts ✮ Colors ✮ Foils ✮ Perms ✮ Manicures ✮ Pedicures 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

786-4311

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm Sat. 8am - 1pm

Merry Christmas from all of us at

Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

12

& Jimbo

DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

I’m an ice sculptor, last night I made a cube. – Mitch Hedberg

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

This is probably the best column in the whole Digest!

Heather Benoit & Denise Scott

Katie Scott & Cherilee Budrick O.M.G. We’re gonna be famous!

John & Shari Gosselin Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, and running. But enough about Black Friday.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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The Three Southern Wise Men Submitted by WEP

I was travelling through a small Southern town when I spotted a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. I was totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar'."

Notorious 1930’s gangster, George "Machine Gun" Kelly never killed anyone.

NO ORDER TOO SMALL And no minimum purchases! Call us for a FREE quote!!

Textile & Paper Wipes

& Jimbo

14 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A! 120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.

Saturday, Dec. 15th – Children’s Christmas Party N.A.S.C. Members Christmas Party United New Auburn Association hosting Santa Claus in New Auburn’s Sullivan’s Square (next to Rolly’s Diner)

New Year’s Eve Party!

Starts at 8pm Tickets available $20/per couple Includes breakfast

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

• Sorbents & Safety Supplies • Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners • Breakroom & Food Service • Chemicals & Cleaners • Packaging • Skin Care • And More!

Light Snacks 11am-1pm

Sat. Dec. 22nd • 3-9pm Includes dinner & DJ Mike C.

Sunday, Dec. 9th Starting at 4:30pm

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039

You only live once, but, if you work it right, once is enough.

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

HOLIDAY DECK OUT YOUR TRUCK SALE December Specials • Weathertech floor mats front & back..................Starting at $225.00 • 3" round SS Nerf Bars for extended cab trucks....................$399.00 • 3" round SS Nerf Bars for crew cab trucks .........................$449.00 • Truxedo Lo Pro .........................................................$449.00 • Extang Solid fold...............................................Call for pricing • Du Ha Box...............................................................$179.95 • Reach E-Z ................................................................$29.95 We also have Rainguards & Hood Protectors Available in Camo, Winter Camo & American Flag with Eagle Visit thecapplace.com FMI

Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

These yummy samples were a real Tripp!

Gift Certificates Available!

980 Pond Road, Wales 933-2493 • thecapplace.com

Jen Tripp

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. – Dave Barry

SEE US FOR YOUR SNOWMOBILE LOAN • Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms

Elaine Toutain

Moe & Anita Paradis Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

15

Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar

Why Santa Wants a Raise: There’s a new tax on flying sleighs.

One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

Attention Landsc apers & Contractors!

We sell bulk san d/salt and straig ht salt.

Call us for yo ur snow removal needs!

Jeanne Reed

Vicki & George Janosco This Cameron Hughes wine was fantastic!

Commercial Plowing, Sanding, Salting & Snow Removal Call us for a FREE Quote • Fully Insured • EOE

Locally owned and operated since 1970!

Cesar Emano Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

16 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 784-7944 • stlaurentandson.com The golden wule of Twitter is "Tweet others like you want to be tweeted."

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Happy Holidays from all of us!

One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

We at Georgio’s want to thank each and every one of our customers for your support throughout the year! Keeping it LOCAL makes all the difference!!

We look forward to serving you in 2013.

f Home o

.

the U.F.O

Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar

We have Party Platters for your Holiday Parties!

Stop by, call or check out our all new website!!

Locally owned & operated

GEORGIO’S

740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm • www.mygeorgios.com

Christine Zecker of Cameron Hughes Wine

& Stacey Thurston of Central Distributors

Happy Holidays from

Did Lisa put you up to this?

eastcoastsigndesign.com

Sandy Saucier hides from the camera

Your Christmas Decorating Headquarters

Ann’s Flowers

What a great turnout! I can’t wait to do this again.

14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

www.annsflower.com Now offering Maine Gourmet Chocolate!

Why Santa Wants a Raise: Sleigh fuel has gone through the roof.

Nick Benoit

Russian Rain

It must be Laundry Day: I'm feeling all out of shorts.

Submitted by Jimbo

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Red. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It’s raining."

She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it’s snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out."

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Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

Why Santa Wants a Raise: He needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining.

Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Make your holidays

– le!

✸

Take advantage of our holiday sale, now through Decemb er 15th

✸ Purchase a 5-pack of✸ $2 drop-in coupons for $10 ✸ Great for stocking stuffers! ✸

Purchase a $50 gift certificate and receive an additional

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Happy Holidays from "Reflect upon your present blessings, of which everyone has plenty; not on your past misfortunes of which we all have some."

– Charles Dickens Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

18 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

(regular drop-in is $8)

754-9411

FITNESS

Primary Location: 20 Main Street, Sabattus (2nd floor)

View class calendar & upcoming session details online at

www.SPRQstudio.com

Classes offered in Sabattus, Lisbon Falls & Poland/Minot. Fun for the whole family!

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

Wishing everyone happy holidays... and don’t forget to put

a remote starter under that tree!

“The gift that keeps on giving every morning, every night, and every day”

How to Tell if You're a Grinch Submitted by WEP • You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

• You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

• You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. If you dressed an endangered species, that’s even better!

• You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.

216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry Parking in back of building

777-3339

www.soundeffectsmaine.com Check out our Facebook page to see our

Holiday Specials Linda RaeAnne Angie

Erica

Heather

Stacy

Desiree

Amy

Hair • Nails • Organic Spray Tanning 1117 Center Street • Auburn • 784-3522 (in MetLife Plaza)

urbanedgehairstudio.com

• You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in an L.L. Bean or other prestige box to impress your friends.

• You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

• At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

• After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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19

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.

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Any Color Service

That Little Barber Shop

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Make the perfect gift and come in all sizes!

9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston (off Lisbon St.)

312-5478 Tues, Thurs, Fri. 9am-5pm • Wed. & Sat. 8am-noon

Cosmetologist Brittany Legare

Walk-ins welcome

Womens thought on men: You think she's an open book...but you don't know which page to turn to...do you?

LOWER HOME HEATING COSTS!

Visit us online:

Energy Audits • Infrared Imaging • Blown-in Cellulose Insulation

Be prepared this winter. An energy audit now could save you money later!

HomeEnergyTechs.com

myselco.com

WOOD & PELLET STOVES

ON SALE NOW

1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

Contact Rudy 576-0847

HARRIS BROTHERS

Orders of $25 or more get a

PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891

FREE Fried Banana Dessert

HARRIS BROS.

65 College Street, Lewiston

376-4852 SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

Offer good through 12/31/12

www.purethaikitchen.com

Mon - Thurs 11 AM - 9 PM • Fri - Sat 11 AM - 10 PM • Sun 12 PM - 9 PM

Homemade Soups Daily!

GOT HEAT?? FREE Winter Checkup With Ad

Large Meatball Sub $

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

20 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

4.99

12 pc. Roadies Chicken Tenders (BBQ, Reg. & Buffalo Style) $

12.99

Why Santa Wants a Raise: The cost of living increase at the North Pole.

The Meaning of Christmas

Those who live closest arrive latest.

Submitted by Jimbo

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

Call us today!

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $55/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto Brad Johnson

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 333-0364

Happy Holidays & Happy New Year!

Thanks for your patronage in 2012!

Auto Repair Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More

Body Work Discounted towing w/ shop repairs

Collision Repairs Complete Re-sprays Custom Paint & More

24/7 Towing

782-5500 845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags.

And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

– Dr. Seuss

Fall Between the Cracks Submitted by Richard Collins

How often do we see or hear the expression "fall between the cracks".

This expression is illogical and depicts an impossibility. Common sense tells us that whatever is between cracks must be solid material, and you cannot fall through solid material no matter how hard you try. We can fall though cracks, but we can’t fall between them.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Center Street Dental for their Candy Buy-back night I’m not too sure about this...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out. – Phyllis Diller

‘07 CROWN VIC ‘04 CHEVY TRAILBLAZER LIKE NEW!!

Police Pkg

a lot of $ car for

‘05 NISSA PATHFINDENR

4,995

$

Loaded, Cloth

6,995

$

8,995

V-6 AT, Alloys, LOADED, Rear Seat

‘01 HARLEY FXST1

TRUCK RACKS

NEVER A DOC FEE!!

Many Extras!

$

6,500 Truck Caps

Several nice pre-mowornee cod mHinarg!leys in stock, and Well it is for the troops and those guys are the best!

– PARTIAL LISTING – CARS

‘07 Chevy Cobalt LS 4 Dr. AT, A/C, 99K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘04 Toyota Camry LE, Loaded, Remote Start. . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 ‘04 Toyota Camry LE, Loaded, 159K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘04 Mitsubishi, Rally Edt., Sharp! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘04 Toyota Corolla S, Wing, Alloys, 97K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘03 Toyota Camry LE, Black, Loaded. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘03 Saturn L200, Leather, Loaded, Nice!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘02 Toyota Camry, XLE, Leather, Roof. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘02 Chevy Cavalier, 2Dr., Only 48K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘02 Subaru Legacy S/W, AWD, 96K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘01 Pontiac Bonneville, Alloys, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘01 Pontiac Grand Prix GT, One Owner. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘01 Toyota Camry LE, 114K, Nice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘00 VW Passat S/W, V6, Loaded, X-Clean . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,295

‘04 Chevy Silverado XCab 4x4, 137K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘03 Chevy XCab 4X4 LS, 51K, One Owner. . . . . . . . . . . . . $12,995 ‘02 Chevy Silverado XCab, 2WD, One Owner. . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘02 Ford Explorer XLT, Loaded, 3rd Seat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘02 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, 1 Owner . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,295 ‘01 GMC SLT XCab 44, Only 64K, Fisher Plow . . . . . . . . . . $8,995 ‘01 GMC Sonoma SLS CXab, Only 57K, Fisher Plow . . . . . . $7,995 ‘00 Chevy 2500 XCab 4X4, 8 Ft. Fisher Plow, AS IS. . . . . . $3,500 ‘99 Ford F250 Super Duty 4X4 XCab, Lariat . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘98 Ford F150 XCab 4X4, Sportside, 96K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘98 Ford F-250 XCab 4X4, Fisher Plow 1 Owner. . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘97 Ford F-150 XCab 4X4, Fisher Plow, AS IS. . . . . . . . . . . $3,500

Many as-is Specials $500 & up!!

All come with new Inspection, 14-Day Plate and Warranty

TRUCKS, SUV’S, VANS If we don’t have it,we can get it!!

‘06 Chevy Equinox LT, Cloth, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘06 Jeep Commander, Leather, 3rd Seat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $8,995 ‘05 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT, Stow--Go . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘05 Ford Explorer XLT, 3rd Seat, 115K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘05 Chrysler Town & Country 7 Pass., Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘05 GMC Short Box 4x4, V8, A/C, CD. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 Established in 1984

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

22 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Jeff & Rick Roy

353-2538

28 Soper Road, Durham

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. – Dave Barry

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

REMOTE STARTERS Starting at

$

for their Candy Buy-back night

Each starter comes with:

99

149

1,000’ Range

Out ’n About at Center Street Dental

• Lifetime Guarantee • 2 Remotes • Expert Installation

installed

Many other models available

1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston 754-7873

We Insure ALL Your WINTER TOYS 9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls (207) 345-8711 or 1-800-339-0414 www.CummingsAgency.com

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette Leanne Cram

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Merry Christmas to all our patrons!

We are supporting our local food bank (LACO). Bring in a canned good or non-perishable food item and receive a 2% discount through 12.31.12

Ron Major

183 Lisbon St., Lisbon

We wish you safe travels and a happy New Year, too!

353-9862 www.qualitycareautorepair.com

Why Santa Wants a Raise: Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Center Street Dental

It appears someone invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion.

for their Candy Buy-back night What a great idea! Candy for the troops. Cash for the kids and their schools!!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

24 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

My local grocery store uses four checkouts. Unless it's really busy then they use one.

It's 'before', not 'b4'. You speak English, not Bingo.

Out ’n About at Center Street Dental for their Candy Buy-back night

I hope that scale can handle all that chocolate goodness!

Jimbo asks Uncle Andy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

Uncle Andy replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

While the optimist and pessimist argue over the glass of water, the opportunist sneaks in and drinks it.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Family Trees

1, 2, 3, 4... Does anyone even remember what started the thumb war?

Submitted by Jimbo

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

Call us if you are broken down.

We now offer Roadside Assistance, such as tire changes and lockouts.

We carry 60 new Interstate batteries, air compressor, and tools to fix small problems.

Don’s DBA...

MORRIS AUTO PARTS 940 Washington St. North • 784-7374 or 800-730-7374 • Mon. - Fri. 8 - 5 • Sat. 8 - 12 Wishing everyone happy holidays!

Don St. Germain

RE-USE

15 LE

Christmas Stockings

940 Washington St. • Auburn • 784-4619

C CY RE

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Ask for Don or Debbie for all your towing needs

RE DU CE

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

DON’S NO PREFERENCE TOWING CO.

One coupon per customer

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

% OFF

In-stock auto & truck parts

TOGETHER LET’S THINK GREEN

AND

RECYCLE!

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

26 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

If you can't say something constructive to me, just give me a shallow compliment.

– Uncle Andy

Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

Holiday Special $

Out ’n About at Center Street Dental for their Candy Buy-back night

240 of Spa Services

ALL $ FOR

99.95

This is a personal invitation for you to experience the finest full service Day Spa in the area. Personal service in a great relaxing atmosphere is what each guest will find at Sarah Jeanne’s.

We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to sample a fine selection of our exclusive services.

Relax and Indulge. Enjoy Life’s Finer Pleasures.

With purchase of this VIP Promotional Certificate, the holder will receive all of the following wonderful services: Express Manicure & Express Pedicure Hand Paraffin Treatment • 60 Minute Tanning Package 30 Minute Facial • 30 Minute Massage 30 Minute Tub & Sauna Men’s Haircut or Woman’s Haircut • Bikini Wax 25% off Products

Voted Lewiston and Auburn’s #1 Salon, 10 years running by Markets Surveys of America

Any service can be up-graded to a full service

Just added to our Limo Fleet: A 14-passenger Lincoln Navigator!

Use this or one of our other three 10-passenger Limos for your night out on the town, or special event.

Happy Holidays From the Staff at Sarah Jeanne’s

Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa

Tuxedo & Limo Service

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • www.sarahjeannes.com

795-6778 I’m so lazy, my snooze button just hit me.

Uncle Andy, if you touch my candy again you’re gonna lose some fingers!

Too much business.

Not enough monkey.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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An Axe to Grind

On the airplane descent I felt my ear pop and out came that last quarter the magician forgot to remove when I was 8.

✂

Submitted by Jimbo

A boy was constantly nagging his father to get him a Christmas tree. Each year, the father told him, "I don't want to pay for it." At last, son finally managed to exasperate his father and he went out with his axe. Thirty minutes later, he returned with a great big Christmas tree.

$

30

OFF*

*ANY BILL $250 OR MORE

✂

with this ad Expires 12.31.12

Complete Auto Repair SAVE $$ ON GAS Ask about a Fuel Injector System Cleaning

CLASSIC CAR PERFORMANCE UPGRADES & RESTORATION

THE SHOP 353-6100 304 Lisbon St., Lisbon

www.theshopclassicrestoration.net The son was amazed that his father returned so soon and asked, "How did you cut it down so fast?"

The father replied, "Oh! It's from the tree lot."

"So why did you took the axe with you?", the son asked.

HOLIDAY SALE! 1/2 Price Photo/Art Featuring Dick & Carol Murrell Lots to choose from!

Now thru December 22nd

"Because I didn't want to pay for it," the father replied.

Down Payment

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 DandRFraming.com

Submitted by Jimbo

Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES SPORT SHOP

"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

(off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car.

& Jimbo

28 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

84 Littlefield Road Auburn

782-4917

Delightful History

Where have I been all my life? – Uncle Andy

Our friend, Ernie Olsen of Marcel’s Barbershop in New Auburn recently visited Campobello Island in New Brunswick, Canada. Which is just off the shore of the eastern-most city in the U.S., Lubec, Maine. The article shown here is from TRAILER LIFE Magazine which talks about the home in the photo. It just so happens this is the 34-room Roosevelt summer home. A major tourist attraction on the island, people take guided tours through the home on a regular basis during tourist season.

The inset photo is Ernie standing in front of the Roosevelt home and just happens to be holding one of his favorite magazines, Uncle Andy’s Digest!

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

Ernie Ols

en

Marcel’s B

arbershop Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Center Street Dental for their Candy Buy-back night Let’s just say I’m a little camera shy.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Eve NewteYBeoawrli’s ng Bash! a Ultima

3 parties to choose from 3-5pm • 6-8pm • 9pm-1am

See our Facebook page for our holiday vacation specials!

Call for more info and to make your reservations Give ‘em the gift of a good time on the lanes!

Gift certificates are available

sparetimerec.com

24 Mollison Way • Lewiston

786-2695

Children have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like tiny gasoline thieves.

December at the Chick We’re fully decorated for Christmas! Come check us out.

Gift cards available!

Merry Christmas to All & Thank YOU for our best year ever!!

Christmas Party time!

Host it here or let us deliver food to you!

Off our menu or a custom menu for you.

LIKE us on Facebook for our daily specials & upcoming events!

Chick-A-Dee

Our new website of Lewiston e b l l i w gonna love it! e ’r ou Y ! n o o s live 1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

30 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

If you're looking for someone to disappoint you, I won't disappoint you.

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

This meal at Rolly's was a real home run! Kinda like that home run I remember little Uncle Andy hitting in an All-Star game back in the 60's. Step up to the plate... at Rolly's.

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Jim Lashua

First rule of Procrastination Club: I'll tell you later...

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

Change The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey: When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it too seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realize if I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.

– Author Unknown Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Center Street Dental for their Candy Buy-back night

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

We’ve got what’s on your list this Holiday Season labels 0 0 5 r e v o – s e in ✔W f pies o s e ti e ri a v 2 1 r e ✔ Ov ies & ✔ Cookies, brown ta pastries for San Frost ✔ Donuts by John ads ✔ Fresh baked bre as trees tm s ri h C e in a M e ✔ Nativ

FREE PICTURES WITH SANTA Saturday, Dec. 15th Saturday, Dec. 22nd 10am - 3pm

at the Bakery

y r e k a B

r a l l e C e n i W &

Native Maine Christmas Trees are here

72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine • 353-7552

www.benoitsbakery.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

32 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

2-Fer Specials Available Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday

2 Fer $14.95

2 Fer $16.95

Chicken Cordon Bleu *Chicken Tenders *Clam Cakes Liver & Onions Roast Stuffed Turkey Virginia Baked Ham Steak Chopped Sirloin Steak **Manicotti w/ garlic bread

Village Inn Baked Scrod *Fish & Chips *Fried Maine Shrimp Baked Haddock Special Baked Stuffed Haddock

You may mix meal choices at the 2 Fer $16.95 price

**Shrimp Salad or **Chef Salad

w/ shrimp stuffing

Broiled Haddock Steak Tips w/onions (plain or teriyaki)

All meals served with choice of potato & vegetable with the following exceptions: *served with french fries & cole slaw • **served as is (no sides) All meals served with rolls & butter

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com 579s84a831f9e94t67y89304. There is safety in numbers.

HOLIDAY CONCERT

December 15th at 7:00pm

First Universalist Church, 169 Pleasant St, Auburn

Dave Rowe

Denny Breau

Tickets are $15, available at the door.

Doors open at 6:30pm

Dave Rowe, Denny Breau, and Phil House will once again present their annual holiday concert, which has become a Lewiston/Auburn holiday tradition. The show will start with the performers taking their turns on stage and coming together for some selected tunes.

Rowe, who is the music director at the church, will be appearing with his trio which also includes bassist Kevin O’Reilly and fiddler Zach Ovington. The trio is one of the area’s most popular folk groups, performing Dave's own Maine brand of original and traditional music to audiences across the country. Guitar master and songwriter, Denny Breau, is a Lewiston-Auburn hometown boy who has made a name for himself as much for his jaw-dropping guitar work as for is ease and gentle on-stage humor. He and Rowe were bandmates in Turkey Hollow with Dave’s dad, Tom Rowe of Schooner Fare fame. Phil House, pianist extraordinaire and organist at the church, will present his holiday offerings on the Chickering grand piano and the church’s historic Hook & Hastings pipe organ. The concert will culminate with Rowe and House performing their annual rendition of O Holy Night in English and French, which always leaves the audience breathless.

This L/A holiday tradition was the brain-child of Dave’s dad who started it all by organizing the first concert with he, Dave, and Phil back in the early 1990s while Dave and dad were performing as Rowe

by Rowe. It has been an annual tradition ever since and most regular attendees comment that this concert signals the true beginning of the holidays for them.

FMI call 866-655-7171 x801 or www.daverowemusic.com

Free Puppies: Part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Opposites Submitted by Jimbo

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Open December 25th

Just to see what would happen, at Christmas time their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

Catch all the games in HD

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Full Menu Available

➨Check out our new $6.99 Lunch Menu Available Mon. - Fri. • 11am - 2:30pm

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com The grass may be greener on the other side but I tell myself it’s just from envy.

Wall of Fame Inductee!

GOING TO THE CASINO?

I felt very patriotic after finishing my omelet...

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

34 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

STOP HERE FIRST! You’ll have better luck on a full stomach... guaranteed!

Joshua Foster of West Paris

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

at 4pm

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

We’re all in!

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there.

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced.

I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

THE

Out ’n About at Center Street Dental for their Candy Buy-back night

FACTOR Every Thursday Night!

Open Karaoke & @ Ramada Inn Singing Competition 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston

www.FusionLewiston.com

576-6384

Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.

We shipped 236 pounds of candy to ‘Operation Gratitude’ to be distributed to our troops! Thank you everybody!

Thinking Ahead Submitted by Jimbo

Ladies’ Night

Every Wednesday

Someone will win a Movado Watch* every Wednesday until Christmas

$5 Well Drinks $6 Pinnacle Drin ks @ Ramada Inn 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston

www.FusionLewiston.com

576-6384 *his or hers watch, actual watch may vary from photo

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: There'd be no reason to have your hair colored.

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm....

That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s Halloween Bash!

We eat here like clockwork (clockwork orange).

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Celebrate Your Holiday Season at Japanese Cuisine ✧ Make a reservation today for your holiday party!

Isaiah Minnehan & Sam Lafrance

✧ Groups of 100 or more can reserve the entire hibachi restaurant!

Visit with Santa on December 16th 2–4pm Gifts for all ages!

✧ Sushi party platters available for your office party!

Gift Cartsdfosr

Alex Jacobsohn

Bummah Gurney is in the Hiz-ouse y’all.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

36 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

gif are great friends or , co-workers ! family

✧ Hibachi ✧ Sushi ✧ Japanese Cuisine ✧ Late Night Lounge 40 East Ave., Lewiston (Lewiston Mall Shopping Center) www.sea40me.com

Voted best New Restaurant

by Market Surveys of America

795-6888

Why Santa Wants a Raise: New air traffic controllers.

Black Friday: Where only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s Halloween Bash!

New Year’s Eve Party Count down to

Sherri Stanton There is a doctor in the house!

Watch the ball drop on our flatscreens!

Drink & Sushi Specials! ✧ Live Music! ✧ Lantern Launch

Make Your Reservations NOW!

Nancy & George Mancini

Japanese Cuisine 40 East Ave., Lewiston (Lewiston Mall Shopping Center) www.sea40me.com

795-6888

I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

Sea 40 really is a happenin’ place!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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I’m thinking about following in my Daddy’s footsteps... as soon as I can walk that is!

Local Restaurants & Entertainment We Bake for Bennett Holiday Sale!

Friday, December 14th 8 AM – 2 PM in the CMMC Main Lobby – 60 High Street, Lewiston The Woman’s Hospital Association is once again providing you with a Holiday Bake Sale!

Party desserts ♥ Secret Santa gifts ♥ Specialty treats All of your Old Favorites ♥ Beautifully Wrapped Gifts for the Hostess, Mail Delivery Person ♥ Clients ♥ Anyone on your List!

Raffle: A Beautiful Hand Stitched Crib Quilt!

Proceeds provide patients in need with screening Mammograms at the Bennett Breast Care Center.

Dave Poisson with his son, Kason who is 4 months old.

Dave is the used car sales manager at Evergreen Subaru.

Friday Morning Breakfast Club

Genetically Modified Food Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food: • Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

Rachel heard about our breakfast club and moved back from California to be part of it.

Jessica Fecteau, Rachel Nutting, Lilly Pelletier, Erica Vaillancourt, Lola, Amanda Cain & Camden Cain

• You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O. • Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

• The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

• Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

38 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

My chief contribution to society is being "The Worst Case Scenario."

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Contest Winner We recently ran a survey online and offered a prize to a random entrant. Here is the winner...

These contests that Uncle Andy’s Digest run are awesome! Y’all should go to their Facebook page to enter their current contest. The winner gets a Kindle Fire!

LIVE ENTERTAINMENT EVERY WEDNESDAY - SATURDAY

Serving Prime Rib Thur. - Sat.

Happy Hour Every Day 4pm-7pm

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.-Thurs. 3pm-close • Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s)

Going to the movies in Auburn?

Check out Jasmine Cafe for your pre­ or post­movie appetizers & drinks

Food & Drink Specials all month long Rated ­ E for Excellent 730 Center Street, Auburn

Pamela Davis Winner of a $50 gift certificate to Sea 40

Uncle Andy and Travis find three grenades, and they decide to take them to the Auburn police station.

Travis asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Uncle Andy says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

The one you want is never the one on sale.

Tel. (207) 376­4855

jasminecafemaine.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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39

Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s for their 5th Anniversary

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

MEATBALLS MEATBALLS MEATBALLS

Breanna Witten We like to call ourselves “sandwich artists!”

We really listen to what you want and make you the perfect sandwich!

Buy 3 Regular Size Meatballs

Party Sized

Get 1 FREE! It’s our gift to you!

Meatballs $5/dozen

Now Serving Beer & Wine Check out our Catering Menu online 63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

782-0701

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com Rich Pelletier Day at Community Credit Union Everyone at CCU dawning their Rich Pelletier t‐shirt that say “FIGHT like the warrior Pelletier” and most even had a pretty good karate move.

Shihan Pelletier, better known in the community as “Sensei” is a well known martial arts instructor at Pelletier’s Karate in Lewiston. Rich is battling stage 3 Brain Cancer.

See pages 2 & 96 for more info.

Ask about our Holiday Platters & Gift Cards!

Our Gift To You For The Holidays

Get $1 OFF these favorites:*

Kirstie Acker

Monday: Tuesday: Wednesday: Thursday: Friday:

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

...with s & Travi Jimbo

40 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

784-3434 600 Turner Street • Auburn

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with purchase of $50 in gift cards

783-6885 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

www.macsgrill.com

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Mall Trainer Submitted by Jimbo While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

NOW OPEN 2ND LOCATION 375 Center St. Auburn (Across from Dunkin’ Donuts)

AUTO SALES & FULL SERVICE STATION

241-3260

All Subarus Come With: • 12-month/12,000 miles Warranty on all Head Gasket Issues • Vehicles fully serviced and maintained in-house • In-house direct lending available

He promptly replied, "Another train.

Interesting Christmas Facts: A wreath with holly, red berries and other decorations began from at least the 17th century.

Holly, with its sharply pointed leaves, symbolized the thorns in Christ's crown-ofthorns. Red berries symbolized the drops of Christ's blood. A wreath at Christmas signified a home that celebrated the birth of Christ.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

42 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Our First Location Offers Auto Sales and is a Full Service Station 1026 Auburn Rd (Rt. 4) Turner, ME • 207-225-2205

www.rjbandson.com This match won't light. Which is weird because it did this morning. – Uncle Andy

Don’t tell me a tomato is "technically a fruit" unless you’re willing to drink it in a milkshake.

Full Moon Magic Submitted by Jimbo

150 Center St. Auburn 784-7785

ClubTexas.info

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.

with DJ Scotty Dawg

Sat. Dec. 15th • 8pm

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

call for tickets

BASH

New Year’s Eve

$10pp

Sat. Dec. 8th

THE VEGGIES COLD BLUE STEEL

Call ahead for tix

Champagne Toast • Party Favors

I’m at that age where I’m ready to settle down with strangers from the Internet.

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

And where did you think this story was going?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s Halloween Bash!

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it.

K N I TH We’ve got some very hungry zombies here tonight. Don’t block the hibachi tables or you’ll lose a limb.

4/C PAGE

The Lantern Launch

USE OUR

ADVERTISERS

FIRST

Tell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent ya!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

44 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

No, I can’t come to your cat's birthday party. My dog's getting married that weekend.

My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s Halloween Bash!

I want one of those snowmen! I can almost reach out and touch it.

I’ll be stopping in to Bear Necessities soon!

I’m feeling a little green, man.

Two mysterious people live in my house. Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and Nobody knows who.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s Halloween Bash!

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.

Helping our patients achieve extraordinary dental health.

Now accepting new patients.

Michelle Gosselin & Franki Tam

Wide-Ranging Services Our dental services include crowns, bridges, dentures, dental extractions, tooth whitening, cosmetic dentistry, root canal, fluoride treatment, and all other major areas of dentistry.

Oh, hey there!

Taylor Brook Dental Our dentists serve patients in Auburn, Lewiston, Poland, Minot, and surrounding towns. We are here to provide quality, comprehensive dental treatment in a friendly, caring atmosphere. Our goal is to help the patient achieve optimal dental heath throughout their lifetime.

We accept most Insurances Travis told Uncle Andy: "Christmas falls on a Friday in 2015."

Uncle Andy replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

46 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES

784-1577

27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN

TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.

Restrictions

My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.

Submitted by Jimbo

Only availab le Beach Bums at The only pr !! ovider in the

The Weight is Finally Over!

state of Maine

STIMULATES WEIGHT LOSS ★ Burn up to 1,400 calories in ONE hour! ★

Beach Bums Tanning Salon

250 Center St, Auburn • 783-8422 beachbumstanningmaine.com

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These infrared body wraps will detoxify & target your body’s trouble areas: ★ Buttocks ★ Abdomen ★ Hips & Thighs ★ Arms

Buy a single session of FORMOSTAR for $30 & get 30 VHR minutes of tanning FREE!

HOLIDAY PARTY CATERING! Carnival Catering Soft Pretzels Funnel Cake Cookies Popcorn Cotton Candy Nachos ...and More!

214-3169

www.YummoCarts.com

Yummo Carts

As Bill grew old, physicians greatly restricted his activities, and it irked him enormously.

A nurse had been hired to tend to his needs as he had now been confined to total bed rest.

"Nurse, I would like to do some reading," Bill said.

"Fine," the nurse replied, "What kind of reading would you like? A magazine, a book?"

"Well with the way the doctors have limited my activities," he replied, "Why don't you just bring me a postage stamp."

The early bird catches the worm for his breakfast plate.

So if you’re a bird, be an early bird.

If you’re a worm, sleep late.

– Shel Silverstein

Happy Holidays!

Call f or t N.R.A he next . Pis Cours tol e

Don’t Miss our BIG Sale!

We buy, sell & trade

J.T. REID’S GUNS Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

Full Line Gunsmith Service

86 Court St., Auburn 777-3579

9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

I always mean what I say...I just don't always mean to say it out loud.

Submitted by Richard Collins

Did You Know?

Football commentator, Howie Long, was the only player to play for the Oakland Raiders, the Los Angeles Raiders, and the Oakland Raiders again.

Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 18th Y O U R

Best Chinese Restaurant:

Chopsticks

18

37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300

#1 Jeweler in the area: 600 Center St., Auburn • 784-6766

V O T E S A R E I N

8

875 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 782-7526

Best Pool & Spa Company:

17

1975 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-0858

#1 in Dining Excellence:

7

Best Sports Pub:

16

775 Washington St., Auburn • 784-2110

Best Thai Restaurant:

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

6

Best Auto Body Shop in the area:

Best Insurance Agency:

1524 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-6121

416 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-2246

Champoux Insurance

15

Best Hair Salon:

Best Dance Studio:

13

Mary Jane’s School of Dance 461 Rte. 202, Greene • 946-7302

Best Casual Restaurant: 12

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

Best Pizza: 11 95 Lincoln St., Lewiston • 786-2020

House of Pizza

ORBIT HAIR 5 STYLING

Best Community Bank/Credit Union:

4

391 Main St., Lewiston • 784-5435

Best Convenience Store:

Lewiston

Best Landscape Company:

124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

6

4

Center St., Auburn • 622-1609

Best Chiropractor:

10

Dr. Gerald Nadeau

78 Lisbon Rd., Lisbon • 353-4848

4

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104

Best Seafood Restaurant

Best Facial/Skin Care Salon:

165 High Street Auburn 782-7796

Healthy Beauty 643 Main St., 3 Wellness Spa Lewiston • 333-3235

10

Best Buffet 120 Center St., Auburn 782-7888

Tin Tin Buffet

8

Best Heating Oil Service: 3 3 Conant Rd., Turner 225-3588

Market Surveys of America, an independent survey company, is proud t Best Businesses for 2012 Survey. The above winners are the result of public b

Annual Best Businesses for 2012 Best Eye Care Professionals:

3

Optometric Associates

Best Automotive Service:

Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole

101 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 407-2955

168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)

Best Day Spa:

1

Best Contract Security Company:

2

71 East Ave., Lewiston 783-3321

www.cassiels.com

86 Main St., Auburn • 800-292-4965

Best a Wait Staff

Best Plumber:

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

2

Best Hair Colorist: Chris Dufour

ORBIT 2 HAIR STYLING

124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

Best Takeout:

Best Massage Therapy: 1

ANOTHER NEW DAY

650 Main St., Lewiston • 212-3305

Best Computer Store: 1485 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-7232

Best Bar & Lounge: 1 490 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 330-3775

@ The Ramada Inn

Best New Restaurant:

House of Pizza

95 Lincoln St., Lewiston • 786-2020

1

8 Tidswell Rd., Turner • 225-3737

Lewiston

2

1

40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

1

Japanese Cuisine

Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring: 550 Lisbon St., Lewiston 782-0831

1

A R E

75 Park St., Lewiston • 795-5000

1

490 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 330-3775

Best Picture Framers:

Best Boutique: 866 Main St., Lewiston • 754-3057

1

@ The Ramada Inn

1

191 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 333-3342

Best Acupuncturist: 12 Highland Spring Rd., Lewiston • 783-2016

1

Best Martini Bar: 1

Best Attorney: Jason Dionne

1

Diane Ford

Paid for by Market Surveys of America

#

V O T E S

1

Best Sign Company: 14 Millett Dr., Auburn 333-6333

Y O U R

Indicates number of years as winner.

I N

Vote online at: BESTOFSURVEYS.COM

to announce the winners of the 18th annual Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s ballots and internet voting for the Lewiston/Auburn small business community.

I don't like morning people... Or mornings... Or people...

GIVE THE GIFT OF MUSIC! GIFT CERTIFICATES ARE AVAILABLE! Offering lessons in: • Guitar

• Voice • Violin

Instrument Sales & Service

Authorized Service Center

• Bass • Mandolin • Brass & Woodwinds

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

376-3376

Alina, keep him distracted while I go for his sandwich...

• Piano • Banjo • Music theory

134 Main Street, Auburn www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

No problem, Penny. I think he’s totally checking me out!

Penny Gimpel & Alina Burke shown here with a Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski cutout from the New England Patriots. They stopped for a bite right after finishing their most recent Maine Half Marathon.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

50 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

9 months before I was born, I went to this awesome party with my dad, and I left with my mom.

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.

Feeding Time Submitted by Jimbo

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service.

“Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.” “Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

Q: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snowwoman?

A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

We have to do the impossible, but it is possible. – Kevin Garnett

The Next One Submitted by Jimbo

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper.

I meant the next baby!"

I'm flexible. First I get bent out of shape and then I tie myself up in knots.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Gift Giving

All mothers have intuition. Great mothers have radar.

Submitted by Jimbo

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Uncle Andy thought it would be nice to bring his wife, Anna a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Uncle Andy, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That’s still quite a bit," Uncle Andy groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Uncle Andy grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Interesting Christmas Facts: Oliver Cromwell, in England banned Christmas Carols between 1649 and 1660.

Cromwell thought that Christmas should be a very solemn day so he banned carols and parties. The only celebration was by a sermon and a prayer service.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

52 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Now Enrolling! yrs.

Ages 6 wks. - 12

Early Learning Center

We offer preschool & toddler programs, separate rooms for each age group, and a large outdoor play area!

946-KIDS Ask about our multichild discount and family vacation benefit

301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene HOLIDAY TOY SWAP - December 12th Drop off your gently used toys and get new toys for under the tree!

Drop-off dates: Dec. 3rd-7th, between 6:30am and 6:00pm

My older sister is tired of me calling her the beta release.

Winner, Winner!

Last month... an d

teamed up to run a Facebook contest where the winner would get a $100 gift card to Gritty’s.

Katherine Ouellette was the big winner!

Congratulations, Katherine!

Dr. Rose, Katherine Ouellette & Uncle An dy

To enter our latest contest go to our Facebook page: facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest

The milk of human kindness comes from thinking about udders.

I could be a morning person. If morning happened around noon.

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s Halloween Bash!

Crazy Wednesdays at Sea 40 brings out the crazy cat lady in me...

Keepin’ it Gangnam style!

Protect Yourself.

We’ll teach you how.

Nate White Did You Know?

NRA Certified Instruction

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced Don Mailhot NRA - Law Enforcement 576-5131

Roland Levasseur NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight 212-0608

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You'd always work in sensible footwear.

Famed concert pianist Arthur Rubinstein gave one of his greatest Carnegie Hall concerts when he was 89 years old.

Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at SPRQ Studio

Uncle Andy to Jimbo: If you are trying to insult me, you are going to have to use smaller words.

for their Halloween Party It’s true...

I’m chicken little. So don’t be telling me the sky isn’t falling!

Zac, Renee & Carter Eaton

Erin & Caroline Reedy Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon and follow them up with, "Ah I guess you had to be there."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

54 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

I've gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

Amelia Earhart, D.B. Cooper and Waldo walk into a bar, never to be seen again.

Check This Submitted by Jimbo

10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing Call Before it Snows!

COMMERCIAL SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING SNOW REMOVAL

FREE QUOTES

Morin avating exc

Inc.

Andy Morin 207.784.8293 cell: 207.576.4714

In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.

amorinexc@roadrunner.com

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer.

Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.

REDISCOVER THE PLEASURE OF GIVING HAND-MADE GIFTS! HOLIDAY SALE ~ DECEMBER 1-31 Great Prices on Hand-made Items!

Quilts, Wall Hangings, Scarves, Hand Bags, Hats, Mittens, Baskets & Much More!!

Or browse our fabulous selection of fabrics and yarns to make your own holiday gifts. Let us help you with gift ideas for the knitter or quilter on your shopping list!

Quilting, Knitting, Basketry Supplies & Classes

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

Hours: Mon-Fri 10 to 5; Sat 10 to 4; Tues ‘til 8

909 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-4486 • Quilt-Essentials.com

Did You Know?

Building Packages starting at

$149,900 • Custom Homes & Remodeling • Energy Efficient Homes & Projects • Energy Audits

Moths are really butterflies after they've removed their makeup.

Heiress Gloria Vanderbilt inherited four million dollars on her second birthday. Her son, newsman Anderson Cooper, was born when she was 44 years old.

Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s for their 5th Anniversary

Sunrises are just as beautiful as sunsets only less crowded.

We buy Gold, Silver, Platinum and Coins!

The highest prices paid!

HUGE SELECTION OF EXTRAORDINARY ESTATE JEWELRY. NEW ITEMS BEING ADDED DAILY.

William Clark & Sophie Geelhoud

Carlos Ramirez & Laura Pirruccello

25% OFF Watches Express yourself!

15% OFF Any Estate Items

Buy 3 Zable Beads

Get 1 FREE (Best Deal Around) The Dolci's: Laura, Andy, Linda & Carlotta It’s hard to believe it’s already been 5 years.

Thank you everyone!

Check out or Facebook page for additional specials!

John Paine, Michele Tribou (owner of Heidi’s)

& Roy Holmblad Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

56 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Mindy

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Mon-Fri 9-5; Sat. 9-3; Sundays Dec. 9, 16 & 23 • diamondcutjewelers.com

Brain Freeze: Legitimate issue or zombie treat?

Tanya

My idea of doing curls is eating the cheesy kind.

Seeks New Board Members Since the beginning of our affiliate in 1987, Androscoggin Habitat for Humanity has gone through many cycles, as time passed and the people involved changed. We at AHFH have just entered a new phase, with a great need.

We are looking to ensure that the Habitat can successfully support the members and families of Androscoggin and Oxford Counties. We’re in need of some new involvement from community members as additional members for the Board of Directors.

New Board members don't have to be on the nuts-andbolts of home construction (though they certainly can if they wish). We are looking for new Board members who can meet monthly to help guide our overall efforts for AHFH, and help attract the people and energy we need to ensure a vibrant, sustainable future for the families we serve.

We are looking for experienced, capable individuals who care about the housing needs of low income families, and about making our community a better place for these hard-working men, women and children. If you’re looking for a way to give back to your community, this would be a great choice. We hope for diversity of experience to help make us stronger. Would you be willing to help? Or do you know someone who would be a good addition to the Habitat Board? We appreciate all referrals!

We will be holding a meet and greet after our quarterly board meeting on Friday, December 14th from 6:30 – 7:30 pm at the Androscoggin County Chamber of Commerce located at 415 Lisbon Street in Lewiston. Please join us to meet our current board members and learn more about our program and how you can fit. The board meeting starts at 5:30 pm and is open to the public. Please contact us at 786-2598 or at Androhabitat@roadrunner.co m if you are interested in attending.

Women are smarter than men, but men have the advantage of not knowing this.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at SPRQ Studio

Downhill. That's how I roll.

for their Halloween Party

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

This party was so good... it was scary!

Do not neglect your Septic System

Service Rental Sales

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Amy Matthieu, Andrea Libby & Kelli Gilzow Interesting Christmas Facts: Although many believe that the Friday after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year, it is not. It is the fifth to tenth busiest day.

The Friday and Saturday before Christmas are the two busiest shopping days of the year.

This too shall pass. Now would be nice.

I’ve got a case of the Benjamin Buttons!

Roger, Robyn, Cameron & Makayla Begin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

58 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

The inventor of the treadmill has passed away. Poor guy never really went anywhere.

I'm still playing with a full deck. I just shuffle slower these days. – Uncle Andy

Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s for their 5th Anniversary

Nancy & Rhonda Bean

The Beaudoin's (clockwise)

Ella, Kristen, Mia & Brandon

Alyssa Baril & Alex Snowe The daily fresh baked bread is outstanding! What a fantastic sandwich!!

Mary Ellen Cafiso & Hallie Twomey

Zach & Jade Parker Dear kids, Want your wifi password? Clean your room, take out the trash & vacuum.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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K.I.S.S.

I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once.

Submitted by Jimbo

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep It Short Stupid."

Three Wise Women (as opposed to Three Wise Men)

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The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. – Uncle Andy

Out ’n About at Taylor Brook Dental on Halloween

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? The WOMEN would have: a) Asked for directions, b) Arrived on time, c) Helped deliver the baby, d) Cleaned the stable, e) Made a casserole, and f) Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

60 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Mona, Jane, Ann, Dawne, Jenny, Donna, Jen & Tammy High-wire artists hate it when their cable goes out.

3,244,342 Total Impressions Our new Social Media Marketing Package is making quite the impression!

In November we teamed up with Center Street Dental to run a contest.

Facebookers would enter the contest (for the price of a LIKE) for a chance to win a $100 gift card to Gritty’s Brew Pub. Here’s what happened: 1) Center Street Dental received 3,244,342 impressions in one month!

2) This contest had 2,000+ entrants!

3) Several hundred new likes happened because of the nature of the contest.

4) The contest was promoted heavily online & in Uncle Andy’s Digest.

5) Not to mention all the buzz this kind of activity created.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST Standing out from the crowd since 1996!

Call 783-7039 to learn more about our new Social Media Marketing Package!

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Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s for their 5th Anniversary

Eileen Estes & Tracy Smith

If you’re too busy to go fishin’, you’re too busy.

– Jed Clampett of the TV show The Beverly Hillbillies

Harvey Metals Superior Grading & Pricing Maine’s Largest Catalytic Converter Buyer

Family Owned & Operated

TOP PRICES PAID! Jeremy Myer

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We buy: Aluminum Wheels $15/each Batteries $10/each Brass • Copper • Radiators Catalytic Converters Cell Phones • Tin And More!

Hours: Monday - Friday 8-4; Saturday 9-3 Other times by appointment Stephanie & Courtney Emens Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

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353-JUNK (5865) • HarveyMetals.com

A: It’s Christmas, Eve! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

62 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

While investigating scandalous emails, perhaps the FBI can discover who starts those Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: jokes.

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: Should people suggest your belly jiggled when you laughed... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.

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Beth A. Dow Cleaning Services

207-740-8561 I'm glad I know sign language: it's pretty handy.

Have you squeezed your trigger today?

Get that special someone a gun for Christmas

Good Manners Submitted by Jimbo

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

Roger Caldwell

481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

"Of course," explained Grandpa.

"How else can I catch my teeth?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s for their 5th Anniversary

"My lives have no meaning." ~ depressed cat.

Eli is the name... keeping customers happy is the game.

Eli Whittaker

People always see right through me! – Casper

Even Jesus gets His hair done at Hair by Gregory’s!

Pre-book or join our email list and get entered into our drawing for a

Louise Tirabassi

$100 gift basket

“Jesus”

Jayna Migliaccio Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

64 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Shawn DeGraff plays Jesus in the East Auburn Baptist Church “Christmas Spectacular”

786-0112 392 Center Street

Pro-gas-ti-na-tion: Waiting to fill up your tank while hoping the gas price might actually go down.

AkceiaOct. 2011

attending sin

Est. 2008

Betty

attending since June 2012

Maya

attending since Aug. 2012

65 Washington St., Dog Grooming Auburn, ME 04210 Daycare & Boutique (207) 333-3640

We are wishing very Happy Holidays to all our puppies & their families this holiday season!

The only fully-staffed, cage-free, one-stop shop doggy daycare facility that offers 6,000 sq. ft. of climate-controlled indoor play area, and 20,000 sq. ft. of outdoor play area for small, medium and large dogs!

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BaxceteJurne 2012

attending sin

Murphy

attending since Apr. 2012

Ellie May

attending since Oct. 2012

OUT ’N ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE

Happy Holidays Uncle Andy’s Digesters! The holidays are upon us once again. The time for over indulging and justifying all splurges, as they say, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. The time of year you live the farce of liking your extended family and Aunt Hilda’s bunt cake, which tastes like she substituted kitty litter for the flour.

All that aside who can truly say they don’t love at least some aspects of the holiday season. Now I know the white stuff may not be currently blanketing the terra firma but if you are looking for that gift that will keep on giving, that everyone who lives in the north with a heartbeat really wants, then you need to go to Ames Sport Shop.

They have a full range Arctic Cat snowmobiles and accessories. Now I would say I have spent a lot of my hard earned money there myself, but it’s never too much when it’s for toys like that. It didn’t help having to drive by their shop twice a day on the way to and from work; seeing all the new snow machines on the hill overlooking Hotel road. It gives me goose bumps just thinking to the frigged nights winding around on the trails on my old Arctic Cat EXT. Those were the days! Or nights I guess!

Now if a snowmobile is not your cup-a-tea or if you are having a blue Christmas whether due to the slumping economy or yet another year single during the holidays still too stubborn to admit you may be the root of the problem, you can always take comfort New Years! What’s not to love? Kissing anyone at midnight, new beginnings and the challenge of remembering the appropriate date to write on the 2 checks a month you still seem to write. Furthermore as if that weren’t enough you can go to Atlas Fireworks in Scarborough for the proper provisions to ring in the New Year with a BOOM! When you’re there don’t be shy, spend a few bucks!

Fire Works are always in style!

Digesters I wish you and your family a safe joy filled holiday and a wonderful prosperous New Year. Until next year “May the Digest be forever in your favor!”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

66 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.

December 31, 2012

The first time I ever saw a doctor, he grabbed my leg and hit me so hard I cried, so no, I don't trust doctors.

City Slicker

Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

Submitted by Eric Bryant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That is correct. Go ahead, take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

68 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

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People who sleep in socks must be very very small.

(continued from previous page)

You know you're getting old when you have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

Located

5 in

on Rt. 11

indham North W

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

20

• 892-82

When food falls on the floor, the Little Germs scream "Let's get it!" while the Mama Germ says "No, we must wait five seconds."

Cindy

Micaela

Lynn

Heather

Michelle

Happy Holidays from all of us at Panache Thank you for your patronage in 2012

Kathy

Gift Certificates Available

Elizabeth Emily & Christine, Co-owners

studio for hair, nails & massage

20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday Find us on Facebook

782-9009

www.panacheauburn.com

I’m changing my name to Reason. Because no one ever listens to me. – Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Ingenious

What Olympics did Mr T. win all his medals?

Hey, don’t laugh. We got all in one load!

Check out our new inventory!

Ah, sir? The garage isn’t quite ready...

Hats, Hoodies Shirts, Shoes & More

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Hemp & other eco-friendly products Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Backpacks Shoulder bags & totes

Pouches

and more

We also carry a full line of Hookahs, custom pipes, vaporizers and more 25 Lisbon St. • Lewiston • 795-7600 Mon.-Sat. 10am-7pm

– Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

70 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Another Olympic event I'd like to see: Synchronized Belly Flopping.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

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A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

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Sarah Stone Similarities between Santa & System Admins 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your home.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill for their beer tasting dinner event

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

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Sandy Beauchesne Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

72 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

783-2933 See our website for monthly specials!

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Many years ago I had washboard abs but now I have a front loader.

If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy. – Uncle Andy

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From Biddeford to Bangor... we can show you any listing you desire!

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Life is the original limited-time offer.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Christmas List Submitted by Jimbo

So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed.

Then he wrote this letter.

'Dear Jesus, if you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

74 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Maine Made Gift Shop Jams • Jellies • Sauces

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Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.

Better Than Average LLC

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It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mom if he could have a new bike.

So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mom told him that would be fine.

Hi, I'm from the Government. If you think your problems are bad, just wait till you see our solutions.

1

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336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1611 Tuesday - Friday 9am-7pm • Sat. 9am-2pm Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.

Life is a highway, and I'm a 1977 AMC Gremlin in the breakdown lane.

Other Uses for Fruitcake 1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.

2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

FREE WHITENING FOR LIFE! Contact us to find out how.

3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.

5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log. 6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.

7. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

8. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.

9. Grind a few up and give it back to your parents in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."

10. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.

11. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.

I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I'm wearing.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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NEXT Level Business Coaching We Will Make Your Business Better in 90 Days – Guaranteed!

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Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.

49 Cards Submitted by Jimbo

A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards.

She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

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1 Garfield Road, Auburn • 344-6622 • ridebackwoods.com I live in a two-story house: One of them is "It's always your fault" and the other one is "Because I said so".

Much to her dismay, it read like this: This card is just to say a little gift is on the way.

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.

"I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don't think I need that."

– Jay Leno Q: What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

A: A chew chew train.

Boards • Boots • Bindings • Jackets Pants • Helmets • Goggles • Bags Packs • Gloves • Mitts

all denominations

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.

Layaways available thru the holidays

Gift Certificates Available

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Taylor Brook Dental

Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

on Halloween

Kelli Hebert & Dr. Will Catterton

Maryanne McNally & Brenda Leterneau

Sarah & Ann Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

78 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward.

If I eat unhealthy, I can have the whole bag.

Shopping Advice

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No, ma’am," he replied. "They're all dead."

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&

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Hours: Mon.-Wed. 10am-6pm Thurs.-Sat. 10am-7pm • Sun. by appointment

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Submitted by Jimbo

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

Q: What's the most popular Christmas wine?

A: “I don't like Brussels sprouts!”

New, different inventory at both locations

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

DEC. 2012

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Out ’n About at Taylor Brook Dental

I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

on Halloween

Top prices paid for gold, silver, diamonds, jewelry & coins!!

Mona

Barbie & Debbie

Y2K In 1999, September 9 read as 9/9/99 (or 9999) to many computer programs. Since "99" is an error code for many computer software systems and "9999" an end of file code, it was feared that this date could trigger an end of input or end of file reading, thus causing computers to close down programs.

The date came and went without much fuss.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

80 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Family owned and operated • In-house repairs • Guaranteed lowest prices on new & estate jewelry • Gift Certificates available • Mon-Tue-Wed 9-5 • Thu-Fri 9-6 • Sat 9-5 • Sun 10-3 “Friends tell friends about us!”

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782-7575

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

Out ’n About at Taylor Brook Dental

You can't fight progress. But I've noticed you can unplug a lot of it.

Pamper

on Halloween ailable 24/7 Gift Cards av om! at cassiels.c

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If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up.

Dawne & Donna

Jane & Tammy

Lost Time In order to correct the current calendar to match the Gregorian calendar, Great Britain and its colonies adjusted their calendars so that the day following September 2 (the 3rd) became September 14, 1752. Most other countries had made the adjustment in 1582. Gives the expression "losing track of time" a whole new meaning!

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Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

Congrats to every radio station on being number 1!

READY TO REFINANCE? We have LOW COST OPTIONS

CALL NOW & SAVE $250 OFF CLOSING COSTS!*

Nino & Nadine Naous I’m looking forward to the upcoming high school baseball season.

Mike & Diane Connor In 2000, Scholastic released J.K Rowling's fourth title in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It broke all publishing industry records by selling more than 3 million copies within 48 hours after its release!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

82 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

*paid as a lender credit at time of closing.

This offer expires 12/31/12. One coupon per closing

Brendan C. Fontaine 392 Center Street - Suite 2 Auburn, Maine 04210

Tel: 207-602-1670 Email: bfontaine@ghmc.com

Application: www.ghmc.com/bfontaine Maine License #SLB11408 NMLS # 102571; Licensed Mortgage Banker, ME Dept. of Professional & Financial Regulation and NH Banking Dept.

Programs, rates and terms subject to change without notice. Certain restrictions apply; some programs may not be combined with others; not all applicants will qualify.

I don't just have issues. I have a subscription.

Would it still be considered interrupting if you weren't listening in the first place?

Open Mouth...

USE IT or LOSE IT!

Submitted by Jimbo

Only 2 months left to use your 2011 medical reimbursements

Last month to use your 2012 medical reimbursements We accept most insurances

Vision at a Value

120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn • 783-4226 Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM, Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

Gift Certificates available

LIKE us on Facebook!

I've been holding my stomach in for about 3 years now so don't talk to me about dedication.

Kitchen Solutions wishes everyone Happy Holidays and a big Thank You for a great year.

Bruce

Holly

Prince

Stacy

1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

897-3400 or 1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston

784-3100

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Don't lead, I'll wander off and get bored. Don't follow, I'll get us both lost.

Walk beside me and help me cause trouble.

Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!"

Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Awesome!

In 1986, Vietnam veteran Bob Wieland finally crossed the finish line of the New York Marathon, just 4 days, 2 hours, 48 minutes, and 17 seconds after beginning. His was the slowest time ever for a marathon. He was also the first person to run a marathon without legs. Wieland has completed six marathons on his hands. What an amazing inspiration!

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Native American Names of Places in Maine

A mime will never give you bad advice.

Submitted by Sheldon Walton

When you're in Maine, just stay a bit To see these places ere you quit Her crystal lakes and mountains bold Which all the alphabet enfold.

Rare Cupsuptoc and Sagadahoc, Together with Chimpassaoc, Also brave Chinquassabamtook With dear Wallagosquegomook.

If you do this, and are not sick, Try pretty MoosetocmagunticAnd then with fervor go and look upon Apmonjenegamook.

If I were you, just after this, I'd sally for Sysladobis, Ripogenis, Umbazookskus, With Pangokomook curious.

Take Umsaskis, as you go on With Schoodic to Matagomon; But don't omit Essquilsagook, Or skip Wetokenebacook.

Some others still are left to try, Fair Pemadumook by and byMillenkikuk, CosboseconticBut do them leisurely, not quick.

But here's to Pegnaunemandpostassanagnog (as it comes to pass) -And when you have spoken this 'tis plain, You'll know the rhetoric of Maine.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

84 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

My book club reads wine labels.

Happy Holidays from our staff Sue Cleaves Office Manager

John Morin Service Manager

Craig Anderson General Manager

Ben LaGasse Parts Department

Bill Centra Technician

Phil McGregor Shipping & Receiving

John Crawford Sales

Jason Thibodeau Technician

Marcia Anderson EBay Department

Ryan Case Asst. Parts Manager

Jared Mailhot Finance Manager

Mike Carver Service Writer

Charity Pike Internet Sales

Eric Shaw Technician

Amy Asselin Parts & Accessories Mgr.

Danny Ziebart Technician

Richard Ferrara Asst. Sales Manager

Shane Michaud Service Writer

Gil Steward Sales

Customer Christmas Party Saturday, Dec. 22, 2012 • 11am-3pm Visit centralmainepowersports.com/events for details

Register today to win*: 1st prize: Hand-held GPS and $300 gift certificate 2nd prize: $150 gift certificate • 3rd prize: $50 gift certificate *Must be present to win. Drawing held 12.22.12 at 3pm

every • Free Gift Wrapping mas Saturday until Christ • Selected Apparel % OFF discounted up to 70 • Buy a $100 Holiday 0 nly $8 Gift Certificate for or Limited time offe

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845 Main Street, Lewiston • 689-2345 www.centralmainepowersports.com

Parents Gift

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Submitted by Jimbo

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Christmas.'

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

“What's the matter, Alex?” I asked.

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“Ummmm,” replied Alex slowly, “I really hoped that you and Mommy would give me something for Christmas.”

During his 21 year major league career, hall of fame pitcher, Hoyt Wilhelm came to bat 432 times. He hit a home run in his very first at bat. He never hit another one.

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

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Submitted by Richard Collins Featuring

Lawyer Laughs

131Vendors

Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

7 Days a Week

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

86 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Open 8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

I may not be the only egomaniac in the world, but I am the only one who matters.

– Uncle Andy

Don’t Challenge Dr. Seuss

A clean desk is a sign of a new employee.

Our Gift To You

*Just call us for a NO OBLIGATION Insurance Quote & receive a gift card!

Be watching for our new TV commercial all month long!

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VarneyAgency.com

Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

Don’t miss an issue!

A great gift for yourself or a family member!

Buy a subscription to Uncle Andy’s Digest

Mr. Cerf counted the words and paid Dr. Seuss his money.

$

30

The fifty words are: a am and anywhere are be boat boy car could dark do eat eggs fox goat good green ham here house I if in let like may me mouse not on or rain Sam say see so thank that the them there they train tree try will with would you.

Q: What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

A: Annette.

commercial

Bennet Cerf, president of Random House bet Dr Seuss fifty dollars that he could not write a book using exactly fifty different words.

Dr. Seuss submitted to Mr. Cerf the beloved children book GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

for the whole year (12 editions)

Mailed directly to the recipient each and every month!

For More Information contact:

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 (207) 783-7039 • Email: editor@UncleAndys.com Travis to Uncle Andy: Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.

Tony the Tiger In 1952, Kellogg introduced Tony the Tiger as the spokesanimal for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes cereal.

More recently, Tony has also become the mascot for Tony's Cinnamon Krunchers and Tiger Power. Since his debut, the character has spanned several generations and become a breakfast cereal icon.

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Out ’n About at Benoit’s Bakery & Wine Cellar

Freak out your neighbors. Name your wifi "FBI Surveillance Van".

One year celebration and Wine Tasting event

Live Healthier. Spend Less.

Karen Camire & Chris Fletcher

Are you energetic?

Are you a motivated self-starter?

Do you have the confidence to close the deal?

Do you want to determine how much you make?

Can you be assertive?

Ginny Camire

Rosemarie Knight

Bob Knight Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

88 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Somewhere between the blah blah blah and the yadda yadda, you've got a point there.

Ingenious

207-539-8811

596 Main Street, Oxford

1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway

There are some things better left unsaid. That's usually the stuff I blurt out first thing.

– Uncle Andy

www.maine-lyaction.com Today, I woke up and realized my muffin top has become a pound cake.

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Stuck in the Snow...

Again!

By Natasha Piirainen

Winter means snow. For me, snow means constantly getting stuck. I get stuck in the snow trying to drive up our driveway–that’s always fun. I have to use my cell phone to call up the house phone, ask for my dad, and when he says “What do you want?” I just say, “Look outside.” He always comes to my rescue, safely driving the car up to its spot, but he also adds in a few wisecracks. “There’s not even enough snow out there for you to get stuck in! Who taught you to drive anyway?” He taught me to drive.

I also get stuck in the snow whenever I try to walk in it. I go outside to sled down our small hill with my ten-year-old sister; she’s lightweight, she can walk on top of the snow with no problems at all! But me? I fall right in up to my knee, or my waist, or, in the heavy winters, up to my shoulders. Then I’m stuck.

And I have a ten-year-old laughing at me and refusing to help ‘til somebody takes a picture.

Guess we know what the Piirainen Christmas card photo will be this year.

"You know you're old when everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work."

– George Burns

Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen is now accepting new patients at his new location.

730 Center Street Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 Mon.-Fri. 7-5pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

Happy Holidays!

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90 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.

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We offer over 50 fitness classes a week. FREE child watch with all membership types!

Auburn-Lewiston YMCA Next to the county building in Auburn. 795-4095 www.alymca.org

HELP WANTED Live Healthier.

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Are you energetic? A motivated self-starter? Have the confidence to close the deal?

Would you like to determine how much you make?

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Make up to $19/hour Email resume: jobs1@DrNewtons.com or call 207-370-3380 www.drnewtonscorp.com See page 88 FMI.

Creative Property Maintenance 1-800-318-3577 See page 72 FMI

SNOW BLOWERS Personal Training Authorized Ariens Dealer The King of Snow Many models in stock to choose from!

Please consider doing your holiday shopping with the advertisers in this Digest!

“LIKE” Uncle Andy’s Digest on Facebook to hear about upcoming events, promotions, giveaways and even get a chuckle from one of our jokes or one-liners!

Scan the QR Code below or find us on facebook @ facebook.com/ UncleAndysDigest

Uncle Andy’s Digest

Classified ads work!

Reggie’s Sales & Service 1334 Minot Ave, Auburn

Call 783-7039 to get yours.

783-0558 See page 50 FMI

Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?

A: Santaclaustrophobia

You'll Laugh

You'll Learn

With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. and media stars and they still come back for more.

Add comedians Tony Powell and Rob Combine that with our award winning local news Bartlett, starting your day is more fun. and your mornings are complete.

L-A’s

WEZR RADIO

1240

Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.

In the 1940 NFL championship game, the Chicago Bears beat the Washington Redskins 73-0 in the most lopsided win in NFL championship history.

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Ingenious

Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.

I know honey...

But we have to wait our turn.

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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who's boss.

Ingenious

Happy Holidays!

Earn extra cash for the holidays

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Family Friendly Dentistry

Willow Run Dental Association is accepting new patients Come meet our friendly Dentists & Staff

Scott Beckerman, DMD Geraldine Schneider, DMD Jeffrey Sloan, DDS • Family cosmetic dentistry • Emergency same-day care • Most insurance plans accepted

783-0261 One Willow Run Unit 1-B, Auburn

willowrundental.com

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.

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Football Trivia

Worry is a misuse of the imagination. – Dan Zadra

Eccentric pass-catching tight end Dave Casper of the Oakland Raiders was often referred to by this nickname.

A. Dandy Dave B. The Galloping Ghost C. The Mouse D. The Ghost Answer: D. The Ghost

Football Trivia By what nickname was four-time Pro Bowler Carlton Gilchrist, the first 1,000-yard rusher in AFL history, known?

A. The Milkman B. Cookie C. Gilly D. Golden Answer: B. Cookie

Football Trivia By what nickname was four-time Pro Bowler Carlton Gilchrist, the first 1,000-yard rusher in AFL history, known?

A. The Milkman B. Cookie C. Gilly D. Golden Answer: B. Cookie

Trivia Q: What did he get when Tom locked Jerry in the freezer?

A: Mice cubes.

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94 DECEMBER 2012 783-7039

Turns out company doesn't love misery.

If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

Ingenious

Kitchen and Bath

Center

Partnering with Professionals

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

Tired of the old tub? Replace it with a sleek new shower by Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 • gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com Tim Fox: 514-1137 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.

786-9100 2 Cedar Street, Lewiston www.crossfitlewiston.com If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"

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Fundraiser for

Sensei Rich Pelletier who is battling Brain Cancer

For every vehicle we sell in December, we’re donating $50 towards Sensei Pelletier’s medical needs.

You can also help by buying a FIGHT like the warrior PELLETIER t-shirt for $15, or by making a donation. FMI on t-shirts and donations, contact Sadie Holm at Pelletier’s Karate by calling 786-3731.

867 Center Street, Auburn • 753-0033