Uad december 2013

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!

.com

FREE

December 2013

LOOKING TO PURCHASE?

We are Your Local Home Mortgage Partner!

Rate See us for... Fixed Loans • Conventional • FHA • VA • MSHA • RD

777-1551 Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

181 Center St., Auburn • www.RMSmortgage.com • Debbie.Bodwell@RMSmortgage.com This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions.

Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537.

NMLS#1760.

Wishing You Safe & Happy Holidays! t

from all of us a

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 Millett Drive, Auburn

Taylorbrookdental.com

Jewelry to fall in

love with

145 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

784-1577 Armandsab@aol.com

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA DECEMBER 2013 Wednesday, Dec 4th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 12749) 1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston $7 Member; $8 Guest Sunday, Dec 8th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 10589) Lewiston/Auburn $3 Member; $4 Guest Wednesday, Dec 11th The Green Ladle Culinary Arts (Chapter 12907) 156 East Ave. Lewiston High School $8 Member; $9 Guest Wednesday, Dec 18th Yianni’s House of Pizza 11:30am – 1pm (Chapter 10929) 155 Main St, So Paris $5 person Thursday, Dec 19th Lewiston Mandarin 11:30am - 1:30pm (Chapter 14437) Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.00 Guest Saturday, Dec 21st KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 5pm (Chapter 14346) 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Monday, Dec 30th Roy’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 8609) Washington St, Auburn $3 Member; $4 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED

Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays).

Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO Racquetball Wars

UNCLE ANDY

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Crossfit Skiing

MAGGIE Quickbooks Pro

MARTY Card Shark

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

TOM The BIG 4-0!

PAM Candle Burning

CRYSTAL HORSE-ing Around

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Out ’n About at the Lake City Exports 10th Anniversary Open House We had a great car buying experience at Lake City!

Travis Mosley & Marcy Gilman

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Size Does Matter!

LARGEST WASHERS IN L/A 80 LB. CAPACITY WASHERS! Try our EZ Card • Convenient • Purchase with debit or credit card • No pockets full of quarters

Amy Wagner 5 County Credit Union

•Dry Cleaning •Shirt Service •Suede & Leather Cleaning

GET $1 BEAL’S BUCKS EVERY TIME YOU USE OUR 80LB MEGA WASHER ✃ Redeemable for Dry Cleaning Services or Easy Card Credit

Tom & Sue Vickery

expires 12.31.13

Mon.-Fri 7am-9pm • Sat. & Sun. 8am-9pm

L AU NDROMAT • C LE ANE RS • C OIN -O P Dave Caine & Larrie McGuire Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

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Search: Beal’s Laundromat & Cleaners Be naughty – save santa the trip.

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one." — Bill Gates

How to Tell if You're a Grinch Submitted by Jimbo • You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

• You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

• You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. If you dressed an endangered species, that’s even better!

• You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.

• You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in an L.L. Bean or other prestigious box to impress your friends.

• You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

• At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

• After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

7

Test Flight

"Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing." — Benjamin Franklin

Submitted by Jimbo

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled.

He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

December 2013

A great gift for yourself or a family member!

$

30

for the whole year (12 editions)

Mailed directly to the recipient each and every month!

For More Information contact:

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 (207) 783-7039 • Email: editor@UncleAndys.com

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without." — Confucius

• • • •

Marine Canvas (Boats/Yachts) Cushions (Boat/Home) Upholstery (Boat/Home/Auto) Metal Fabrication • Repair Call about FREE Boat Storage for Winter Work

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

8

Don’t miss an issue!

783-7039

41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

783-5600 Better late than really late.

DAD’S PLACE HAS GOT IT GOING ON! FREE

COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

Your Choice

10

$ly

On

Giant 1-topping pizza or 2 Large Boghooters or 3 Large Italians or 2 Small Appetizers (Ham, Pepperoni, Veggie or Salami)

(Breaded Mushrooms, Broccoli & Cheese, Jalapeno Poppers or Mozzarella Sticks)

Merry Christmas from Dad’s Place!

Get your Christmas Trees & Wreaths from Dad’s There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Holiday Parties • Company Christmas Parties • Weddings

Holiday Catering • Platters • Pick Up & Go Call Ahead, we’ll have it ready for you!

Dad’s Catering Division 345-9009

www.dadsplace.info

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace." — Buddha

Open House in Auburn

Doris & Wayne Eueretta

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Shawna & Caleb Haley A little One on one in my favorite book.

Jennifer Peters Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

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"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late." — William Shakespeare

Out ’n About at the Lake City Exports 10th Anniversary Open House

"Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried." — Mae West

Annette

Rebecca

Rick

10” Cheese Pizza

$2

Kelsey

(not frozen, ready to cook in your oven)

Add your own topping!

Fred

Reintroducing Georgio’s Original Recipe Pizza Crust

Kenny Hamilton & Randy Mitchell 5 County Credit Union

Our famous original crust was created in 1957 when we opened. It was a hit from day one! When the fresh dough craze started roughly 25 years ago, we went to fresh dough and only had our original crust Scott available for our pizza packs. Starting in December you can get a 10” original crust pizza for only $2. (Not frozen, made here everyday with no preservatives. Ready to cook in your oven.

Kathy

Our Christmas to You...

Fresh loaf of bread GiftFREE Dessert tray

Home of the U.F.O. Tanya

Only $1.50

We look ! r a e y t a for a greg you in 2014! u o Y k n a h T o servin t d r a w r o f

Shauna Baker & Amy Irish University Credit Union

when you spend $20 Corey or more!

A $4 value

Peg Abbey Ramsay

GEORGIO’S

University Credit Union

740 Minot Avenue, Auburn

Toni

783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm

www.mygeorgios.com Locally owned & operated

Richard Sharon

Tammy

Michelle Nicole Gammon

"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." — Kin Hubbard

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 11

A Parents Night Before Christmas

"Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice." — Henry Ford

Submitted by Thomas Hill

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread.

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat... Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear, but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear.

With each part numbered and every slot named, So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it!

Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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December 2013

783-7039

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

$

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

BRAD, PENNY, RYAN, & STEVE

e m o r d l o l Ro

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

EDULE0pm WINTER SCAgH es 20+ 7:30-1

ts Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: ts gh Ni ay id Fr pm 30 - 4:00 Sat. & Sun. - 1: t 7:30 - 10pm - Family Nigh ts gh Ni Saturday 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night - 4:00pm c. 31st - 1:30 Dec. 26th & De

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

"Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight." — Yogi Berra

(continued from previous page)

"I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time." — Marilyn Monroe

Mike Morin’s

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

Happy Holidays to Everyone and Drive Safe!

LIKE us on Facebook Receive

$10.00

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

$24.95 Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95 I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember. – Uncle Andy

Sunday, Dec. 15th – Children’s Christmas Party Santa arrives at 1pm

N.A.S.C. Members Christmas Party United New Auburn Association hosting Santa Claus at Rolly’s Diner Dec. 14th

New Year’s Eve Party!

Starts at 8pm Tickets available $15 singles $20/per couple

Includes breakfast with DJ Mikey C

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact, to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

Discount!

OIL CHANGE Mike Morin

staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

Light Snacks 11am-1pm

Sat. Dec. 21st • 3-9pm Includes dinner & DJ Mike C. Happy Hour 5-7pm Dancing 7pm -midnight Saturday, Dec. 14th Starting at 4pm The Giving Christmas Tree Dec 1-16th (All Childrens names placed on tree)

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'. – Bing Crosby

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin, before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded.

I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 13

Out ’n About on Halloween

Heap on the wood! - the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still. - Sir Walter Scott

WELCOME TO THE TEAM Maine Oxy, New England’s leading supplier of industrial & specialty gases, welding and safety supplies, is proud to welcome Ron Eugley to the team. He will be part of the technical sales support team.

Ron brings over 40 years of industry experience with him into this position. Previously holding positions in outside sales in central & coastal Maine, in addition to inside sales and customer service including technical support.

James Richards, retail store manager reflected on Ron’s character, “Ron brings a vast knowledge of all aspects of our industry. Everyone is very excited that Ron is joining the Maine Oxy technical customer support team.”

Ron is highly trained in all aspects of the industry including: Welding Supplies & Industrial gases; certifications include American Welding Society (AWS), and has attended leading training schools including Miller & Lincoln. Welcome to the team, Ron!

You can find this Duck Dynasty fan, Amy Desmarais, at Pipsqueaks Childrens Boutique in Auburn

Ron Eugley

22 Albiston Way, Auburn

www.maineoxy.com

784-5788 1-800-377-9433

Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.

Out ’n About on Halloween

Julia Marks dressed as Piglet for Halloween. She is 18 months old and loves her mommy, Mallory Marks.

Did You Know?

The US Interstate road system was designed so that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

Adele Breau dressed up as Sister Adele for Halloween. She is praying for her mom, Sharma Breau, to submit the photo to Uncle Andy’s Digest.

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. – Roy L. Smith

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:

730 Center Street Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

Out ’n About at the March of Dimes Signature Chef Auction

Daphne & Alison Berta, Library Café What a great event! Good food from local restaurants, auction items and good people.

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

Well said, Mom!

Lauriane & Becky Laliberte Yep, it is as good as it looks!

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com "I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience." — R. Buckminster Fuller

Chef Austin Perreault CMCC Culinary Arts Program Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 15

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope event

If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

Seasons Greetings from Wishing everyone a fantastic 2012 Chevrolet Cruze 2LT

White, 1.4L 4cyl., Auto. 6 speed, 45k Love the Out ‘n Abouts!

our price

2012 Dodge Avenger SE

Redline 2 coat Pearl, Redline 2 coat Pearl, 2.4L 4cyl, Auto., 37k 6 speed manual, 8k our price

$13,995 $15,995 Jen & Jason Boyd

Just doing our part to support the cause.

2009 Chevrolet Traverse

Gray, 3.6L V6, Auto, FWD, 65k

2013 Dodge Dart 2013 Chevrolet SXT Rallye Equinox

2012 Ford Focus

Black, 2.4L 4cyl., Auto., AWD, 18k

our price

our price

$18,995

$27,995

2009 Toyota Corolla

2009 Honda Odessey

Blue Candy Metallic, Gray, 1.8L 4cyl., Auto., 4 door, 97k 2.0L 4cyl., Auto., 57k

3.5L V6, Auto., FWD minivan, 73k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$15,995

$13,995

$9,995

$20,995

Derek & Lindsey Bill Gates' first business was Traff-O-Data, a company that created machines which recorded the number of cars passing a given point on a road.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

– Peg Bracken

A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.

m our family to yours!

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope event Heart of Hope is a non-profit supporting those battling breast cancer.

holiday & Happy New Year!

2010 Hyundai Sonota SE V6

2012 Kia Soul

2010 Nissan Maxima

2013 Chevrolet Tahoe

Red, 3.3L V6, Auto., 4 door, 43k

Tan, 1.6L 4cyl., Auto., FWD Hatchback, 20k

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

Silver, 5.3L V8, 6 speed, 4WD, 10k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$15,995

$12,995

$20,995

$39,888

2012 Hyundai Veloster HB

2011 Toyota Camry LE

2012 Toyota Camry SE

2010 Toyota Highlander SE

Carlene Sperry founder of the Heart of Hope

Check us out at heartofhopecharity.com

White, 1.6L 4cyl.,6spd, eco-shift, 11k

Red, 2.5L 4cyl., Auto., FWD, 44k

Black, 3.5L V6, FWD, Auto, 17k

Blizzard Pearl, 3.5L V6, AWD, 53k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$17,995

$15,595

$24,588

$28,995

Mitch Sperry Don’t mind me, I’m just honing my photo bombing ability...

Chrissy Ames All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 17

Question Answered Submitted by Jimbo

Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”

Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!!

Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Are Your Ducks in a Row for Winter Driving?

I can’t believe I’m doing this!

If your answer was ‘NO’ use this coupon!

Winterize Special $34.95 We Will: Test freeze protection of coolant & ph level, Inspect condition of radiator, Inspect belts and hoses, Test heater output temperature, Inspect tires, Test battery and charging system, Inspect lights, Inspect condition of wiper blades.

✃

Expires 12.31.13

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon

Tony D. & Tony G.

353-9862 qualitycareautorepair.com

Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope Event

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore, since he wasn’t his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

One word to describe this event... FUN!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem

Merry Christmas!

Love, Rolly, Ken & the whole crew!

l from alt of us a

Rolly’s Diner 87 Mill St. • New Auburn • 753-0171 • (for take-out)

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

K.I.S.S. Submitted by Jimbo

Text Auto-correct Gone Bad

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep It Short Stupid."

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 19

Like father, like son

Christmas: Which will give out first ...? Your money or your feet?

I sometimes think, his only flair... is in his nostrils.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.

Ninth Month Submitted by Thomas Hill

AUTO BODY COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING We are a professional collision repair and painting facility.

All work is guaranteed! Free estimates.

WINTER IS FAST APPROACHING

November comes from the Latin word novem which means nine. It was originally the ninth month of the year in the Roman calendar which began with March. When January and February were added to the Roman calendar, November became the eleventh month of the Gregorian calendar. November is one of the four months that has thirty days.

Turkey Vacation Submitted by Jimbo

My wife is never quite sure when to take a turkey out of the oven.

But, her mother is a very practical teacher.

She says the minute the turkey looks like it spent four weeks at Miami Beach it's time to take it out!

782-6515

Plan Ahead

1111 Center Street, Auburn ~ Next to Jim’s Auto Sales ~

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Tasha Pelletier, Model

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a…

KEEP IT LOCAL! Consider visiting our advertisers for your holiday shopping.

Let ’em know you saw them in our magazine!

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

After Thanksgiving dinner was finished, Mort saw his little brother Sid in the backyard, poking holes in the dirt and filling them in with birdseed.

"Why are you planting birdseed?" Mort asked.

"I'm growing next year's turkey," Sid replied.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 21

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

Belinda Vallee & Jocelyn Vallee Illisa Vallee Cotton as Marilyn Monroe Windy?

Whatever gave you that idea?

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.

My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

The Three Southern Wise Men Submitted by Jimbo

Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms

It’s cold out there... come see us for your winter fun loans!

Call Dane, Michele or Ken today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500

I was travelling through a small Southern town when I spotted a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. I was totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar'."

*Restrictions & qualification apply

www.GreatFallsfcu.com For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope Event

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Holiday Shopping Night Thursday, December 5th • 6-9pm Come join us for a fun night of shopping with local vendors, and let the kids enjoy arts & crafts and pictures with Santa while you shop!

Kacie & Sherri

Admission, pictures with Santa and Arts & Crafts are all FREE!!

A few of the vendors joining us (more being added daily): Tacoma Slumpers • Scentsy • Lindt Chocolate Pearl Essence Accessories • Pampered Chef • Origami Owl Tastefully Simple • Thirty One • Longaberger • Local Crafters

FREE raffle drawings every 15 minutes that night!

Join us December 5th!

Marisa & Tano

301 Sawyer Road, Greene • Call Stepping Stones FMI 946-5437

Don’t miss our annual Toy Swap:

HOLIDAY TOY SWAP - December 11th Drop off your gently used toys and get new toys for under the tree!

Drop-off dates: Nov. 1st - Dec. 6th, between 6:00am and 6:00pm

Mike & Chrissy Ames What a Turkey!

Using a new recipe, Uncle Andy put his turkey in aluminum foil.

He had to roast it until it was brown. Twentyfour hours later, the aluminum foil was still silver.

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Early Learning Center

946-KIDS

NEW HOURS! 6am - 6pm

301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

Uncle Andy broke his finger today, but on the other hand he was completely fine.

Let Heidi’s Take the Stress Out of Your Holidays

Out ’n About at the March of Dimes Signature Chef Auction

Grab a bite while you’re out shopping and get some GIFT CARDS for your favorite elves.

A gift that will put a smile on anyone’s face!

GIFT CARD

784-3434

Locally Owned & Operated

Our platters are a great crowd pleaser for your holiday get togethers!

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm • Sun 10am-8pm

600 Turner Street • Auburn

Corey Dyke & Josh Ouellette

heidisauburn.com

representing Jasmine Cafe

Out ’n About with SPRQ Studio 12:10pm

12:13pm

who did live workout demos at the grand opening of Sports Authority in Auburn with Crusher from the Maine Red Claws basketball team.

What the?!

I can’t... do it... anymore...

Kelli is making me look bad. I’m outta here!

12:15pm Nothing to it... feeling strong!

Crystal Rousseau & Tina Richard

Crusher was confident he could handle whatever Kelli from SPRQ Studio could dish out.

Open to the Public Tues, Wed, Thurs 9a-5p; Fri 9a-3p (By appointment only 12-1)

Cooked Fresh Daily Cashews Mixed Nuts Almonds Redskins Spanish Blanch Pistachios Lindt Truffles Candy Melts

Great Holiday Ideas!

(white, dark, & milk chocolate)

Maine Made Needham’s

by the pound, or half pound boxes

Bob’s Peanuts Family Owned & Operated

557 Lincoln Rd. Lewiston • 783-1731 www.BobsPeanuts.com

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. – Norman Vincent Peale

Mariah Knight & Katie Berry On December 23, 1947, Bell Telephone Laboratories in Murray Hill, N.J., held a secret demonstration of the transistor which marked the foundation of modern electronics.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 25

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

Bookkeeping Plus

GIFT CARD PROMO 12/2 to 12/24

Holiday Gift Card Promotion Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

Buy $50 Gift Card

QuickBooks Classes Offered

& receive an additional $5.00

Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Buy more Scotch tape, wrapping paper, and Christmas cards than you think you'll need.

Unique Treasures See Us for Collectibles • Antiques • Vintage

Classy Elegance & Second Hand Treasures 32 Riverside Dr. • Auburn • 998-5525

Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce

Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices!

Buying Single Items or Entire Estates!

386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com

Past 2 Present Furniture

GOT HEAT?? FREE winter Checkup With Ad

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Open Y ea Round r

Christmas Trees Wreaths & Kissing Balls

966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm

Holiday Gift Card Promo

Holiday Party Planning Specials

12-pc Boneless Chicken Tenders $13.50 20 pc Buffalo Wings (Both available in Reg, BBQ or Hot) $14.99

Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, and running.

But enough about Black Friday.

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

– Hamilton Wright Mabie

The Compliment Submitted by Jimbo

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to Everyone!

Thank YOU for 10 great years of business!!

Gift Certificates Available

Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

If you’ve been a good boy or girl this year, Santa might bring you a remote starter!

Car Audio • Electronics Heated Seats • Blue Tooth 777-3339 • 216 Center St., Auburn

www.soundeffectsmaine.com I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.

"Hey, wait a minute!"

Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Awesome!

In 1986, Vietnam veteran Bob Wieland finally crossed the finish line of the New York Marathon, just 4 days, 2 hours, 48 minutes, and 17 seconds after beginning. His was the slowest time ever for a marathon. He was also the first person to run a marathon without legs. Wieland has completed six marathons on his hands. What an amazing inspiration!

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Stuffing Submitted by Thomas Hill

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Christmas meal.

'What are you doing?'

Simon enquired.

'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.

'Wow, that's cool.'

Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'

Santa Claus Submitted by Jimbo

The 3 stages of man:

MEATBALLS MEATBALLS MEATBALLS Buy 3 Regular Size Meatballs

Party Sized

Get 1 FREE! It’s our gift to you!

Meatballs $5/dozen

Now Serving Beer & Wine Check out our Catering Menu online 63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

782-0701

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

1) He believes in Santa Claus.

Jimbo to Uncle Andy: I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

3) He is Santa Claus!

Out ’n About at the Lake City Exports 10th Anniversary Open House

Football Practice Submitted by Thomas Hill

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

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Congratulations to our son for all his hard work and 10 successful years in business!

The Dube’s Derek, Pat (Mim), Helen & Peter (parents)

"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries." — Stephen King

Thank you for your patience during our renovations.

Come check out our new addition in the New Year!

Put Us on Your Christmas List Get a FREE $10 bonus card with every $50 Gift Card Purchase L/A’s Best Steaks

Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés Call us for your catering needs

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn 783-6885 macsgrill.com

Pardon our appearance during construction.

Earlybird Special

$

5 OFF any two entrees

Monday-Friday • 2-4pm

✁Expires 12.31.13

UAD

Our expansion will be great when it’s done!

Out ’n About with the Portland Pirates

Local Restaurants & Entertainment VOTED #1: Best Sports Pub & Best Burgers in L/A area!

at the Coliseé for some on ice fun

Human puck obstacle course

What the puck?

OPEN @ 4pm

Christmas Day! Full Menu

Showing every game all season long... in HD! Come watch OPEN favorite New Years your team on Eve our 13 No Reservations plasma required!

TVs!

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com "I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me." — Warren Buffett

SPRQtacular FUNdraisers High 4!

POLAND SPRQtacular DAY OF FAMILY FUN & FITNESS

SPRQ Ugly Sweater Fundraiser

held at the Poland Rec Dept. 1231 Maine St., Poland

Friday, December 27th from 5-11PM

December 15th • 2:00-6:30pm

at SPRQ Sabattus LIVE Bluegrass JAM • PotLuck Dinner, BYOB Dancing & Trivia • ALONG with Silent Auction!

ZUMBA • ZUMBA Toning • ZUMBA Gold Cardio Kickboxing • Circuit Training • BOKWA ALONG with Silent Auction & Potluck Luncheon Cost is $20 Master Class Demonstrations & $5 Add’l for PotLuck Dinner – Grab N’ Go Plates Optional

Cost is $20 at door & $5 Add’l for PotLuck Dinner – Grab N’ Go Plates Optional!

Carters X-Country Skiing, Oxford Cost: $30 Adult; $25 Kiddos!

Includes RENTALS Save $10/person if own equipment TUESDAY 6:30PM & SUNDAY AFTERNOON SPECIFIC Dates will be listed on our website

Primary Location: 20 Main St, Sabattus (2nd floor) • Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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December 2013

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www.SPRQStudio.com

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Buy Your Holiday Gift Card

Football Games

$30 Gift Certificates for Only $25

$8/pitchers

Lunches starting at

$3.99

Bud Light, Coors Light & PBR Wing Specials

Out ’n About with the Portland Pirates at the Coliseé for some on ice fun

Dodge Ball

Every Mon. Night $6.99 Burger Special w/ 2 sides

15% OFF your bill during any home Pirates Hockey Game!

Bring your ticket in before or after the game and receive

15% OFF!

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

of the Ho me e Co. Eng in er rg u b

Weddings & Private Parties Up to 200 people•Call for details

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Out ’n About at the Tardif Family Reunion

Where’s Patches O'Houlihan when you need him?

I could use a trim...

I think I’ll go check out that new place, Allure Hair Studio. I happen to know one of the owners.

Pat Levasseur, Gerry & Pauline Tardif Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

Question: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

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Three Wise Women (as opposed to Three Wise Men)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? The WOMEN would have: a) Asked for directions, b) Arrived on time, c) Helped deliver the baby, d) Cleaned the stable, e) Made a casserole, and f) Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Christmas Wishes Can Come True!

Come to Shooters, pick a tag off the Christmas Tree then bring in the gift listed on the tag. ort supp Help amilies f local eed! in n

You get a 25¢ drink!

Try us for dinner!

Eat-In or Take-Out Great Menu

ery FREE Deliv iles! within 10 m

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040

Good Manners

Attitude determines your altitude.

Submitted by Jimbo

Text Auto-correct Gone Bad

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa.

"How else can I catch my teeth?"

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"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." — Goethe

An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Village Inn Gift Certificates make great gifts & stocking stuffers!

Holiday Parties?

Let us do the work!

• Various Rooms Available including Captain Don’s Loft • Small, medium & large groups welcome • Buffet Style, Custom menus & Appetizer options available • Call NOW!

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

Discount Home Improvement Store

• Donations always accepted (& tax deductible) • All Profits Support Our Ongoing Mission to eliminate substandard housing in Androscoggin & Oxford counties • Sponsorship Opportunities Available for your business • Pick up - Drop off

Call us to learn more!

The

Store

Thurs. - Fri. 9a - 6p Sat. 9a -2p

1967 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston • 786-2598 • Androhabitat@roadrunner.com Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?

Always Thinking Submitted by Thomas Hill

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by Uncle Andy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $50 bill in it. Now there are fifty $1 bills."

Uncle Andy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 33

Out ’n About with the Portland Pirates

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark... You know what you’re doing but nobody else does!”

– Jay Conrad Levinson Guerrilla Marketing

Ella Yates with Salty Pete at a Portland Pirates game

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business and next thing you know they’ll be demanding a curtain call.

Matt & Ella Yates at a Portland Pirates hockey game

A chef’s hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

President William McKinley was shot on September 6, 1901 while attending the Buffalo Pan-American Exposition in New York. He passed away eight days later on September 14, 1901.

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’s l Maine Centra pular o most p ion! at public

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com

Social m at it’s edia best!

"Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait." — Stanislaw Lec

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

Kodak Moments

WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food!

We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite.

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day!

Home of the Double Yolker

Now THAT hit the spot!

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

Casey Blier of Norway

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.

We Buy, Sell, & Trade

No seriously, put your clothes back on!

Gift Certificates 10% Bonus (pay $100 in gift certificates receive $110) Buying Small & Large Collections

SPECIAL ORDERS ARE OUR SPECIALTY

J.T. REID’S GUNS Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course

Full Line Gunsmith Service Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 35

Family Trees Submitted by Jimbo

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Christmas Stockings T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

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"Any fool can know. The point is to understand." — Albert Einstein

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." — Plato

New Salon Opens in Lewiston

Lisa Olmstead, is co-owner of Allure Hair & Nail Studio. Allure is located at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston.

Lisa has been a stylist for over 13 years. She graduated from Pierre’s (now called Empire Beauty School) in 2000.

Lisa’s education has continued throughout her career and she is certified in Matrix, Logics and Paul Mitchell certified.

Olmstead, lovingly called “Lo” by her friends, also offers manicures, pedicures and will even travel to do hair for weddings.

Lisa shared, “I enjoy every aspect of this business and look forward to making your experience wonderful. You’ll leave our salon with a great look and feel better because you laughed and enjoyed the entire experience!”

Stop in to see Lisa at Allure Hair & Nail Studio. She is willing to accommodate new and old clients to fit their schedules. You can visit them at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston, Suite 17 or call them at 783-0200. Check out their website at AllureStudioLewiston.com.

See their ad on page 69.

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus: Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

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UUncleAndys.com NCLE A NDYS . COM 37

Out ’n About at the Feztival of Trees

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

at the Kora Shrine Temple in Lewiston

ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES SPORT SHOP 84 Littlefield Road Auburn

782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

Lisa Clark Portland Firefighters

Willow Tree Primitives 850 Main Street, Lewiston

754-8784 www.willowtreeprimitiveshop.com Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm

Gabby Petruccelli Portland Firefighters

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711 Naomi Pray & Sherry Spencer Tambrands Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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783-7039

or 1-800-339-0414

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette • Joline Waite

Check out our new website:

www.CummingsAgency.com

A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS

$

TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.................$4.25

1 OFF Any

WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes...................$4.25

Purchase

THURSDAY: French Toast.............................................$4.25

of $600 or more

All breakfast specials include coffee

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast .........$4.25

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette.........................................$4.25 5 Washington Street, Auburn

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage............$4.25 SUNDAY: French Crepes...............................................$4.25

Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome

Out ’n About at the Feztival of Trees at the Kora Shrine Temple in Lewiston

1 coupon per order Please, no reproduction of coupons

Prices do not include tax.

✁

Expires 12.31.13

Madeline Campbell & Thomas Hill

Bob Harris Kora Shrine Temple

This is a great time of year around here!

Biology grows on you.

Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!

Call for your appointment...

782-5500

Towing Discounts with shop repairs

Auto Repair • Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint

& More!

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Mike Bolduc Kora Shrine Temple Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 39

Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 19th Y O U R V O T E S A R E I N

Best Chinese Restaurant:

Chopsticks

19

37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300

#1 Jeweler in the area: 600 Center St., Auburn • 784-6766

18

DINER

124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

16

14

LeGala Nail Salon

Best Pizza: 12

Lewiston

95 Lincoln St., Lewiston • 786-2020

6

ORBIT HAIR 6 STYLING

Best Community Bank/Credit Union:

5

391 Main St., Lewiston • 784-5435

461 Rte. 202, Greene • 946-7302

13

House of Pizza

Best Convenience Store:

5

484 Center St., Auburn • 622-1609

Best Chiropractor:

5

Dr. Gerald Nadeau

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104

Best Landscape Company:

11

Best Roofing Contractor:

78 Lisbon Rd., Lisbon • 353-4848

99 Spring St., Lewiston 784-1819

Best Pool & Spa Company:

Best Burger:

1975 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-0858

Rolly’s

Best Hair Salon:

Mary Jane’s School of Dance

730 Auburn Plaza Auburn • 786-7411

7

87 Mill Street Auburn 753-0171

Best Dance Studio:

Best Nail Salon:

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

Best Breakfast Place:

Best Auto Body Shop in the area: 1524 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-6121

Best Sports Pub:

8

Best Insurance Agency:

Champoux Insurance 150 East Ave., Lewiston • 783-2246

St. Hilaire 5 Contractors 4

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

7

Best Facial/Skin Care Salon:

4

Healthy Beauty 486 Sabattus St., Wellness Spa Lewiston • 333-3235

Market Surveys of America, an independent survey company, is proud t Best Businesses for 2013 Survey. The above winners are the result of public b

h

Annual Best Businesses for 2013 Best Eye Care Professionals:

Optometric Associates

Best Automotive Service:

4

Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole

Best Day Spa:

Best Contract Security Company:

3

71 East Ave., Lewiston 783-3321

86 Main St., Auburn • 800-292-4965

www.cassiels.com

Best Wait Staff:

2

Best Acupuncturist: 3

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

Best Hair Colorist:

ORBIT HAIR STYLING

124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

Best Massage Therapy: 2 650 Main St., Lewiston • 212-3305

75 Park St., Lewiston • 795-5000

Diane Ford

Best Boutique: 3

2

866 Main St., Lewiston • 754-3057

Best International Restaurant:

ANOTHER NEW DAY

1

40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

Best Sushi Restaurant: 40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

2

Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring:

Best Car Wash:

Japanese Cuisine

1

1

1103 Lisbon St., Lewiston 333-3655

2

Best Picture Framers:

2

12 Highland Spring Rd., Lewiston • 783-2016

Best Attorney: Jason Dionne

675 Main St., Lewiston 782-0831

2

101 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 407-2955

168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)

Japanese Cuisine

J&S Oil/Ultra Clean Car Wash

Best New Restaurant: 2

245 Center St., Auburn • 376-4295

191 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 333-3342

Paid for by Market Surveys of America

#

Indicates number of years as winner.

Vote online at: BESTOFSURVEYS.COM

1

Y O U R V O T E S A R E I N

to announce the winners of the 19th annual Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s ballots and internet voting for the Lewiston/Auburn small business community.

Politically Correct Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer Submitted by Jimbo

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...

PC Version: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate, Original: Had a very shiny nose ...

PC Version: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.

Original: And if you ever saw him ...

PC Version: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view, Original: You would even say it glows ...

PC Version: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.

Original: All of the other reindeer ...

PC Version: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community, Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...

PC Version: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms -the objective of which was to lower his selfesteem and make him miserable.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Featuring

131Vendors Open

7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

207-595-7774

START YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EARLY!

20% - 50% OFF

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

(continued on next page)

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s Alway g n i y u B

Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.

(continued from previous page)

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler Wishing Everyone Happy Holidays And A Happy New Year! Thank You For A Great Year. We Couldn’t Have Done It Without You! Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators

Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators

Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Paying TOP prices for computer scraps!

We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGE businesses with LARGE quantities!

Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes) Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. • Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r

795-8887

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...

PC Version: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species.

Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...

PC Version: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year, Original: Santa came to say ...

PC Version: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.

Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...

PC Version: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic, Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

PC Version: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.

Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...

PC Version: At that point, the multitude of other members of the (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 43

(continued from previous page)

population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.

Original: And they shouted out with glee...

PC Version: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,

Original: You'll go down in history!

PC Version: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time and your memory will be preserved for posterity!

Hungry Traveler Submitted by Thomas Hill

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips.

“Are you the friar?” he asks.

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Monday: Ham Italian .............sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ......................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..................sm. $1.99 ................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: BLT Bowl of (Chili $3.99) ..............................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ..............sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans .....qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: ....................$2.00 off any large pizza

*equal or lesser value

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Not to be combined with any other special

Merry Christmas

from all of us to all of you!

✂

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...

PC Version: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

UAD • Expires 12.31.13

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

T is O Aubur he new pen n Ice ! St op i Arena n& see us!

JOIN US BEFORE OR AFTER THE GAME!

10% OFF Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi 730 Center Street, Auburn • Auburn Plaza

“No. I'm the chip monk,” he replies.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

44

December 2013

783-7039

OPEN 7 Days 6am-8pm

NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA

376-4855

jasminecafemaine.com

Your entire bill (excluding alcohol)

Before or After any Hockey Game

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The lifespan of a squirrel is about nine years.

UAD

At a jet plane's speed of 620mph, the length of the plane becomes one atom shorter than its original length.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM D AD ’ S P LACE s ive ! r D e e ttl lcom o B We

6¢

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION

on all returns with this coupon.

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed (closed Tuesdays Tuesdays & & Holidays) Holidays) 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 DadsPlace.info

(must present coupon)

✃

UAD expires 12.31.13

Skunks can accurately spray their smelly fluid as far as ten feet.

Like a Baby Submitted by Thomas Hill

Out ’n About at the March of Dimes Signature Chef Auction Janelle Losciuto, Bethany Swanson & Catherine Tanous

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

Great job, Catherine, organizing this event. It was a huge success!

The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

“Really!? Like a newborn baby?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest...with

Jimbo December 2013 UncleAndys.com 45

Out ’n About at the Feztival of Trees at the Kora Shrine Temple in Lewiston

Coca-Cola would be green if coloring weren’t added to it.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! Our 57 combined years of service to our customers here at Cole Farms speaks volumes, don’t you think?

DAILY SPECIALS SUN. Baked Scallops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/maple dijon butter

MON. Turkey Dinner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls

TUES. Chicken Parmesan . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 w/salad or cole slaw & rolls

WED. Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6.99 w/potato & rolls

Laurie Sidelinger

THURS. New England Boiled Dinner . . . . .$9.99

International Paper

& Kristin Fournier Open Door Venture

Just look at all the stuff I could be cleaning right now...

Rose Pelletier

Sue Targett, Julie Darnell & Colleen Verrill 12 years

19 years

26 years

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Credit Ca

w/ corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

FRI. & SAT. Fried Haddock . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Prime Rib Au Jus . . .sm. $14.99 lg. $17.79

Check Out Cole Farms Pub! 14 Beers on Tap! Full Bar! Full Menu!

64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • ColeFarms.com

Rose’s Cleaning Merry Christmas, everyone!

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

Mary Lafontaine Career Center Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

“Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark, you know what you’re doing but nobody else does.” – Guerrilla Marketing

Join all the other smart business owners you see in this magazine... you’ll be glad you did!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

Don’t Stress in that Dress!

Day of Wedding Coordinator Services Available!

FMI visit us at : RachelVerrillEvents.com or Call 740-1409

783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

A Diamond for Christmas Submitted By Thomas Hill

Uncle Andy bought his wife, Anna a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, Jimbo said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," Uncle Andy replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?

RMJ Collections • Lingerie size 0-6x • Jewelry • Women’s shoes

Gift Certificates Available!

Shannon Wilson, Jocelyn Vallee & Theresa Hemond

Wed.-Fri. 5:30-7:30 • Sat. 10-6 Sun. 11-5 850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston

320-1165

The first commercial Christmas card was produced and sold in London in 1843.

Uncle Andy’s Digest...with

Jimbo December 2013 UncleAndys.com U NCLE A NDYS . COM 47

Out ’n About at the March of Dimes Signature Chef Auction

In 1962, the first Christmas postage stamp was issued in the United States.

We work on all equipment… not just ours!

“Dependable, quality service at an affordable price!”

Jenna-Rae Brown

Don’t let this be you this winter!

Gritty’s

Call us for your plow maintenance!

Certified Fisher Plow Dealer • Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks Jon Cunningham Gritty’s

• Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site • Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers

HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE! Give us a call.

We’ll ta ke care of your equipm ent like it w as ours!

Chef Tony Bernard Garden Grille & Bar

Denny Bly

John Perron

Keep all your equipment clean in our extra LARGE wash bay!

Mark Tanous & Kelly Langlois Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

48

December 2013

783-7039

Maine Heavy Equipment Service 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com Approximately 30-35 million real (living) Christmas trees are sold each year in the U.S.

Oklahoma was the last U.S. state to declare Christmas a legal holiday, in 1907.

Mouthy Monks Submitted by Thomas Hill

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912.

Back & Better Than Ever Welcoming All Previous Clients & New Clients

Hiring Stylists & Nail Techs Apply within

Cuts • Colors • Foils • Perms • Licensed Barber Manicures & Pedicures Coming Soon!

Carla Martin

Paul Mitchell Focus Salon 954 Lisbon St. • Lewiston Gift Certificates Available Oklahoma was the last U.S. state to declare Christmas a legal holiday, in 1907.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year).

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”

– Demetri Martin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 49

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

Christmas wasn’t declared an official holiday in the United States until June 26, 1870.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

The DJ cranking the tunes from the 50’s

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

Car accidents, no problem!

We offer insurance-paid car rentals Mick & Belinda Vallee Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

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Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.

It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

Out ’n About at the Feztival of Trees

BACKGROUND CHECKS

at the Kora Shrine Temple in Lewiston

Pre-Employment Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History

includes: • SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal History • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list

$45.00 Kim Robitaille Rose’s Cleaning

Tenant Screening

$49.99

State and National Criminal History

includes: • SSN verification/Address verification • InstaNational criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list • Trans Union Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states)

A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00 Education verification....................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification......................................10.00 Professional License verifications.................................10.00 Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ................................................11.00

Other verification and Private Investigator services are available.

All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability.

Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations.

Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com "When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......that way people visit more often.”

Two Hunters Submitted by Thomas Hill

Two hunters were dragging the deer they bagged back to their truck, when another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 51

Early Bird

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

We specialize in vehicle wraps and lettering.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

t ake Grea m s p a r Vehicle W mas Gifts!

Christ

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

www.eastcoastsigndesign.com

Out ’n About at the March of Dimes Signature Chef Auction

Sarah Judd, Dede Libby, Jess Small & Tarah Judd

Matt & Lillian Zidle, WMTW, Channel 8

Interesting Christmas Facts: Although many believe that the Friday after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year, it is not. It is the fifth to tenth busiest day. The Friday and Saturday before Christmas are the two busiest shopping days of the year.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

Your Christmas Decorating Headquarters

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

www.annsflower.com Now offering Maine Gourmet Chocolate!

Scan this QR code to order flowers on our website!

“I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.” — Pablo Picasso

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Holiday Special $

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’ Open House in Auburn

240 of Spa Services

ALL $ FOR

99.95

This is a personal invitation for you to experience the finest full service Day Spa in the area. Personal service in a great relaxing atmosphere is what each guest will find at Sarah Jeanne’s.

We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to sample a fine selection of our exclusive services.

Denise Blanchette

Relax and Indulge.

Enjoy Life’s Finer Pleasures.

With purchase of this VIP Promotional Certificate, the holder will receive all of the following wonderful services:

Voted Lewiston and Auburn’s #1 Salon, ten years running by Markets Surveys of America

Express Manicure & Express Pedicure Hand Paraffin Treatment 60 Minute Tanning Package $50 Toward Color • Deep Conditioning 30 Min. Tub & Sauna Men’s Haircut or Woman’s Haircut Bikini Wax or Back Wax • 25% off Products

Theresa Piscura

Any service can be up-graded to a full service

Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa

Tuxedo & Limo Service

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • www.sarahjeannes.com

Arlene Jones

795-6778

Christmas Open House at Sarah Jeanne’s Join us Monday, December 9th, 5:00-8:00pm Refreshments • Door Prizes • Raffles & MORE!

100% of Raffle Donations will benefit the Philippine Disaster Relief Program “When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.” — Sigmund Freud

Marge Maloy Uncle Andy’s Digest...with

Jimbo December 2013 UncleAndys.com 53

To My Friends and Southern Brethren

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it."

— George W. Bush

FROM THE DESK OF S. CLAUS

10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing

Submitted by Jimbo

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson". (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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December 2013

783-7039

Commercial & Residential

SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING SNOW REMOVAL

FREE QUOTES

Morin avating exc

Inc.

Andy Morin 207.784.8293 cell: 207.576.4714 amorinexc@roadrunner.com

Happy Go Lucky vs. I don’t give a damn

Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a ry and e Delivet-up S

Starting at $5.50/sq ft & up

For more info.

Call 207-515-1119

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

(continued from previous page)

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

BREATHE SAFETM INTERIOR ZERO VOC FINISH FROM MURALO. You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.

www.lewistonpaint.com

Most Offers Come with a Hook This is Ours.

Get Framed For The Holidays!

CUSTOM FRAMING FOR: Prints, Pictures, Needlework, Diplomas, Sports Memorabilia

Gift Certificates Available

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for all your prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Our Affordable, Everyday Pricing 8x10 .........................$20 16x20 .......................$30 20x24 .......................$40 24x36 .......................$50

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Dan Williams, owner

Silver, Gold or Black metal frames only.

’Tis the Season for Giving At Mariah's Massage Therapy $40 for a one hour session or $75 Hot Stone Session (90 minute session).

When you book your massage you get to take a gift from our giving tree which contains 10%, 20% or 30% off your next massage. If a couple buys one, they get one free offer and there are even a couple FREE Massages in there. Come melt away the stress and get a gift at the same time.

Book your appointment today!

Facebook.com/mariahsmassagetherapy

Mariah White, LMT

81 Main St., Suite 104 • Auburn

299-0534

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ and ‘It's a Wonderful (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 55

(continued from previous page)

Life’ will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see ‘Boss Hogg Saves Christmas’ and ‘Smokey and the Bandit IV’ featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

Gravity always gets me down.

And Finally, 8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours, Santa Claus

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’ Open House in Auburn They’ve got some mighty great items at this great little book store.

596 Main St., Oxford

maine-lyaction.com

539-8811

Bob Grindle Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

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Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

"How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time."

— Fred Brooks

New Salon Opens in Lewiston

Kim Galgovitch, is co-owner of Allure Hair & Nail Studio. Allure is located at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston.

Kim has extensive experience and has been in the industry for over 16 years. She specializes in multi-color foils, specialty perms, precision haircuts, manicures, pedicures and offers acrylic nails.

Galgovitch states, “We pride ourselves on outstanding customer service and would love to show off our new salon to anyone who’d like to stop in. Come experience our spa pedicure/manicures and find out how relaxing they can be. We look forward to seeing you!”

Kim enjoys her off time spending time with her family and friends, especially at her camp in Jackman.

Stop in to see Kim at Allure Hair & Nail Studio. She is willing to accommodate new and old clients to fit their schedules. You can visit them at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston, Suite 17 or call them at 783-0200. Check out their website at AllureStudioLewiston.com.

See their ad on page __.

“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmastime.” ― Laura Ingalls Wilder I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 57

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’

I have a strong will but a weak won’t.

Open House in Auburn

Myra Trask

Coleen Daskoski & Karen Gagne A great little shop with lots of ideas for your Christmas shopping.

Ray & Bonita Mathieu Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2013

783-7039

"I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" — Tom Clancy

"I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out."

— Bill Hicks

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’ Open House in Auburn

Rose Falsaco A coffee shop, too.

Sipping a nice hot coffee while shopping, I love it!

The Meaning of Christmas Submitted by Jimbo

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes

or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

– Dr. Seuss

"Either you run the day or the day runs you." — Jim Rohn

Susan Coliss

Counseling Services Accepting New Clients All Ages, families & Veterans Welcome Andy Jarman, LCPC Take me to your leader.

624-1132

Trauma counseling through EMDR & DBT

1288 Roosevelt Trail • Ste 5B (back of building) • Raymond

The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia.

Priscilla Nason Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 59

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

Love me tender, Love me true...

I quote people to better express myself.

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210

Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President

(207) 784-6413 It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

In-Law Letter Submitted by Jimbo

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

Elvis made a guest appearance Huge Selection!

Here’s my Elvis!

$

Save up to 3,000! (on any in-stock hot tub)

Treat yourselves to a gift that you can enjoy all year long!

Accessories & Gift Certificates Also Available

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that?

She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?" "At the end of the letter she wrote:

Visit our website:

www.ricksswimmingpools.com

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

Greg Webster & Shannon Wilson Q: What is Santa’s favorite American state?

A: Idaho-ho-ho!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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December 2013

783-7039

1057 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

786-4256 Monday-Friday 10-5 • Saturday 10-4

"I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." — Woodrow Wilson

I'm not sure which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?

GREAT PAY!

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

GREAT WORKING CONDITIONS!

Assisted Home Care

Home Care Means...

• More privacy - you get personal care in your own home.

• Convenience - continuity of care.

• Comfort - being in your own home.

• Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home.

• Nursing care by qualified caregivers.

CNA’s

Kara Younk & Marilyn Munroe Oh Danny, where for art thou?

WANTED NOW!

We are now opening a new contract in the Portland area and are looking for CNA’s to work the 2:30-11PM shift. Call 783-7375 for more info.

Home C d e t s si 783-7375 are s A

For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Out ’n About at the Tardif Family Reunion A good looking bunch right here.

Kayla Collins When one door closes, another one opens...

Todd & Karen Hunter

Kim Galgovitch & Brianna Hunter

Sonny & Sylvia Tardif

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

That’s when you realize that you’ve bought a really bad second hand car.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 61

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’

"If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary."

— Jim Rohn

Open House in Auburn

I LOVE SHIVERING IN A COLD CAR! #SaidNoOneEver Warm up your car from the comfort of your home.

Terry Cullenberg

Get Your Remote Start TODAY!

REMOTE STARTERS Make a great Christmas gift!

Also available: 2-Way Remotes & 1 MILE Range Nancy Foss Interesting Christmas Facts: A wreath with holly, red berries and other decorations began from at least the 17th century.

Holly, with its sharply pointed leaves, symbolized the thorns in Christ's crown-ofthorns. Red berries symbolized the drops of Christ's blood. A wreath at Christmas signified a home that celebrated the birth of Christ.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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December 2013

783-7039

Many other models available

Basic model starting at

$

99

149

installed

Each starter comes with: • 1,000’ Range • Lifetime Guarantee • 2 Remotes • Expert Installation

CALL TODAY!

1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston 754-7873 "He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty." — Lao Tzu

Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.

Winner, winner Chicken Dinner

Merry Christmas from all of Us!

Well, not really; at least not a chicken dinner. She did, however, win a $25 gas card courtesy of Dad’s Place in Mechanic Falls! Mandy won a contest we ran on our Facebook page to claim the prize. Great job, Mandy!

Standing L to R: Jennifer, Linda, Kelly, Taylor & Kathy.

Seated L to R: Terry, Nuria, Michael, Tina & Cori.

392 Center Street, Auburn

786-0112

Pre-book or join our email list and get entered into our drawing for a

$100 gift basket

HairByGregorys.com Mandy Cote

Drive defensively – buy a tank.

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service FREE INSTALLATION on all Above Ground Pools

Winner of a $25 gas card

26 Year s Experie nce

Discovery LX Recently Banned

by Government:

Order Now & SAVE $1,000 for Spring installation!

Sale Super for n o g goin ber! m e c e D

Mistletoe

Inground Pools ONLY $12,000 Wow! NOBODY beats our prices!!

We service all makes & models of Spas

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.

The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.

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New Salon Opens in Lewiston

"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." — Mark Twain

Tired of how your old deck looks?

Need a new deck?

CALL THE DECK DOCTORS! Stephen Adamczyk, Deck Repair Expert

Call 713-9090

Pauline Guimond, is now at Allure Hair & Nail Studio. Allure is located at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston.

Pauline has been in the hair business for many years and has extensive training and experience in coloring, foiling, perming and cutting for the whole family. She really enjoys working with men, women and children.

Guimond states, “I have been fortunate to have worked at a couple of great salons in the area but am very pleased to say that I am now working for myself. I’m in good company here with Kim & Lisa and can’t wait to see old friends and make new ones.”

Pauline, in her free time, spends time with her husband enjoying the outdoors including kayaking, hiking, camping and cross country skiing.

Stop in to see Pauline at Allure Hair & Nail Studio. She is willing to accommodate new and old clients to fit their schedules. You can visit them at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston, Suite 17 or call them at 7830200. Check out their website at AllureStudioLewiston.com.

See their ad on page 69.

Mom Always Said...

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

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for your FREE estimate!

Facelift Your Property

www.setwright.com

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP

WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET Quiet, clean, elegant stoves.

Several styles to choose from.

1220 Center St., Auburn

784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

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Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640

Russian Rain Submitted by Jimbo

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Red. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It’s raining."

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. – Garrison Keillor

Pamper Your Loved Ones This Holiday Season

! s u f o l l a m o r f s y a d Happy Holi December Special

$

10 OFF a $100.

Gift Card

She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it’s snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining.

Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

245 Center Street, Suite 7, Auburn 777-3939 • ParadiseSalonSpa.com

"Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon." — Brandt Paul

LOCAL CREDIT UNION JOINS COATS FOR KIDS Great Falls Credit Union is accepting coats for kids Bring your warm clothing items throughout the first half of December to Great Falls Federal Credit Union. We will be accepting clothes on behalf of the Coats for Kids campaign in Maine. Coats for Kids is an outstanding program with the goal to keep all children in Maine warm through the winter’s cold.

Great Falls FCU invites you to come into either its 34 Bates Street in Lewiston branch, or 760 Minot Avenue in Auburn and bring in any jackets, sweatshirts or any articles of clothing you wish to donate.

Great Falls FCU is a Central Maine based credit union proudly serving its members of Androscoggin County. To learn more about Great Falls FCU, visit www.greatfallsfcu.com.

I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

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December 2013

783-7039

Available at our location, online or over the phone.

Great Falls team members: Brigitte, Danielle, Ken & Amie

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 • 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com

A goose never voted for an early Christmas. – Irish Saying

"If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today." — Bruce Lee

Winner!

Matt Yates Winner of a 4 pack of tickets to a Portland Pirates game courtesy of Uncle Andy’s Digest. Matt won a caption contest on our Facebook page.

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

— George Carlin

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope Event

Debra, Chrissy, Steve & Michelle Black Friday should actually be called the The Hunger Games.

People kill each other and the winner gets a $20 crock pot.

Christmas Shepard Submitted by Jimbo

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

“Look at that,” remarked Peter to Joe, “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”

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Out ’n About

"If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good." — Bill Gates

K N I H T Nicole Writter & Enka 84 Court Pizza in Auburn

Use our advertisers first Tell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent ya!

I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.

Out ’n About at Sheila’s Hair Ladies Night in Mechanic Falls

Audrey Suli 84 Court Pizza in Auburn, daughter of Enka & Ganti

Interesting Christmas Facts: An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

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Nicole Vachon, Angela Spinney & Alexandra French I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

"I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." — Kurt Cobain Pauline

Lisa

Kim

Mall Trainer Submitted by Jimbo www.AllureStudioLewiston.com

185 Webster St. Lewiston • 783-0200

Customer Service at its BEST!

Join Our Cause in the Donation Challenge!

ALL OF DECEMBER: $1 Donated from every service to your choice of 2 Charities Underhound Railroad or Hope Haven Gospel Mission • Walk-in donations accepted "Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty." — Stanislaw J. Lec

Fair Pay An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost.

One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.

Yeah, I’ll believe that when cats fly!

The Dog Submitted by Thomas Hill

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

"Does your dog bite?" he asked.

"No." said the man.

When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything.

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

He promptly replied, "Another train.

Out ’n About

A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg.

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly.

The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

— Peter Kaye

Ashley Preble Manager of Webster Trading in Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2013

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 69

Kodak Moments

"I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure." — Mae West

A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

A day in the life of

Rudy Langlier

Jimbo

of R.L. Builders (rlbuildersinc.com), who recently did some work at the office of Uncle Andy’s Digest. We caught him in the act on a beautiful fall day in Auburn.

Approved!

R.L.

Protective Eyewear

Tell me again how you got this job?

BUILDERS

Cell phone

Skill saw #1

covered in sawdust

Square Intimidator Nails Power cord Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Skill saw #2

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."

— Dalai Lama

Out ’n About at Past 2 Present with Zoey

"Common sense is not so common." — Voltaire

in Auburn

Is Your Website Friendly?

Yes, we’re right on Minot Ave. across from Fairview School.

“72% of consumers want Mobile-Friendly websites.” – Google Research Websites that aren’t mobile-friendly annoy users and that’s bad business!

We offer...

Mobile friendly websites you can afford!

GET YOUR BUSINESS THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES! Consumers are doing more business on mobile devices, including shopping and product research. They are more likely to buy online when the site meets their mobile needs.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

Call TOD AY to get yo ur mobile-f riendly site!

UADwebsites.com • 783-7039 "Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy."

— Dwight Eisenhower

Congratulations to Dan Gray of Lake City Exports!

Don’t worry, I’m a trained professional.

My neighbor just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.

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Dan Gray has been with Lake City Exports since the beginning. That was 10 years ago as Lake City recently celebrated their 10th anniversary. The day of the Open House Dan was presented the plaque he holds in this photo.

The inscription says, “Thank you for your 10 Years of dedication, service & commitment to Lake City Exports. We couldn’t have done it without you!”

Congratulations, Dan! Alabama was the first state in the United States to officially recognize Christmas in 1836.

All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas would equal 364 gifts.

Out ’n About at Past 2 Present with Zoey in Auburn

Can you believe they work me this hard? Good thing they pay well.

And the perks are pretty good, too.

I used to do balance and rotations at an auto shop. I felt like I was just spinning my wheels and decided to retire.

“Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.” ― Janice Maeditere

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Kodak Moments

“Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding? It's Christmas - he should run a mile.” - Stephen K Amos

Top prices paid for gold, silver, diamonds, jewelry & coins!!

Family owned and operated • In-house repairs • Guaranteed lowest prices on new & estate jewelry • Gift Certificates available • Mon-Tue-Wed 9-5 • Thu-Fri 9-6 • Sat 9-5 • Sun 10-3 “Friends tell friends about us!”

33 Center Street in Auburn GoldWorksME.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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782-7575

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Commercial Plowing • Sand Attention Landsc apers & Contractors!

We sell bulk san d/salt and straig ht salt.

Call us for yo ur snow removal needs!

Interesting Christmas Facts: Oliver Cromwell, in England banned Christmas Carols between 1649 and 1660.

Cromwell thought that Christmas should be a very solemn day so he banned carols and parties. The only celebration was by a sermon and a prayer service.

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20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

784-7944

www.stlauren On average, dogs have better eyesight than humans, although not as colorful.

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” ― Charles Dickens

ding, Salting Snow Removal •

A Redneck's "Twelve Days of Christmas" Submitted by WEP

Ask about our Money Saving Multi-Year Contracts

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 pack of Bud 11 rasslin' tickets 10 tins of Copenhagen 9 years probation 8 table dancers 7 packs of Red Man 6 cans of Spam 5 flannel shirts

Call us for a FREE Quote!

4 big mud tires 3 shotgun shells 2 huntin' dawgs …and a muffler for a Mustang GT.

Locally owned and operated since 1970!

Fully Insured • EOE

ntandson.com I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

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Out ’n About at the Lake City Exports 10th Anniversary Open House

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

GET! D U B S ’ E EVERYON R O F G N I PRIC WE HAVE Ed, Sarah & Lilly Duguay I’ll have this one ready shortly and she’s a real beauty!

Zach Williams Recon Man

t of a f i G a Give e... m i t e f i L itchen K w e AN stmas! i r h C r fo

995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100

Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops 10x12 OAK KITCHEN WITH COUNTERTOP Bruce

Ryan Boies & Sarena Chickering Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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$1,999

Stacy

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

Rousseau Joins Uncle Andy’s Digest

Come see & design your own KOHLER Artifacts faucet.

Crystal Rousseau Partnering with Professionals Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed.Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 • gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com Tim Fox: 514-1137 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that's Ludacris

The Yo-Yo In the Philippines the Yo Yo was used as a weapon. It was around the year 1500. The weapon consisted of a four pound stone attached to a rope about 20 feet long. They used the Yo Yo in two ways. When hunting, they stood off to one side, held one end of

the rope and threw the rock towards the legs of an animal. The rope became tangled around the animals legs, and with a tug, the hunter brought the animal down.

When fighting enemies, the stones would be dropped on their heads. They would quickly recover the stones, ready for a second blow if necessary.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

Regulations Submitted by Thomas Hill

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet.

He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

Uncle Andy’s Digest is pleased to announce the addition of Crystal Rousseau to their sales team.

Crystal brings new energy to its staff and will be a good fit with her great attitude and quick wit.

“I am very excited to start my new career in sales for Uncle Andy’s Digest. I love a challenge, love to meet new people and look forward to helping local businesses achieve their goals through the marketing strategies I’m learning here at the Digest,” said Rousseau.

She is a 2005 graduate of Edward Little High School and was a member of the track and field team where she learned the importance of physical activity and also the joy of being part of a team.

Crystal’s hobbies include hiking and horseback riding.

She also helps care for six horses at Moody’s Stables including her own horse, May. Jimbo (owner of UAD) added, “A home owner at the age of 21, Crystal is focused and responsible. She takes her responsibilities seriously and we think those are great traits to have in sales. She is a quick learner and we’re happy to have her as part of our team here at Uncle Andy’s Digest.”

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I need to go see the guys at Liquid Sunshine.

It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

LIKING IS GIVING

This Holiday Season at Lake City Exports!

Cer Gift tif Ava icates ilab le

We will be giving a monetary gift to the Boys & Girls Club of Southern Maine’s Auburn/Lewiston Clubhouse!

The amount we give will be based on the number of “Likes” we get during this campaign. This is a community effort; please share with your family and friends. Let’s see how much we can raise for the Boys & Girls Club’s Auburn/Lewiston Clubhouse!

YOU

could win

iPad Mini!

Pro fes Det siona aili l ng

If we reach 800 Likes, we give $150.

If we reach 900 Likes, we give $200.

If we reach 1,000 Likes, we give $300.

We’ll give up to $500. Help us do that!

DO THIS TO BE ENTERED:

Qua Best lity Wa x

1) LIKE our page on Facebook facebook.com/lakecityexports 2) Already LIKE us? Share our posts to be entered in the contest Campaign ends at 5pm on Friday, 12.20.13

Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004

867 Center St. Auburn • 753-0033 LakeCityExports.com CAR WASH & DETAIL

LIQUID SUNSHINE

O Fas ld Han hioned dW ash

See our Facebook page for more info.

Christmas trees have been sold in the U.S. since 1850.

an