THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
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FEBRUARY 2011
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WHOLE HOME GENERATOR PACKAGES INDUSTRIAL GENERATOR SYSTEMS We are also full service Industrial, Commercial or Residential Electrical Contractors
ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com Armandsab@aol.com
138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com
Lawyerʼs Justification
“Three things cause severe memory loss: a blow to the head, old age, and testifying before a congressional hearing.”
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way." The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no." "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no." "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?" The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea." The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
EVOLUTION OF A MARTIAL ARTIST
Discover confidence, respect and self-discipline while meeting your fitness AND life goals. Call today to begin your successful future with a free trial class, where we turn kicking and punching into so much more!
Feb. 26th, 6-9pm
Parents’ Night Out
$25
Games, Pizza, Karate Drills & Skills *Family Discounts Kids Ages 6-12
Cardio Kickboxing Mon. & Wed. 7:30-8:30pm Sat. 10-11am
Karate For Kids 3-6 Lil Ninja 7-12 Juniors Adults
MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS
Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com
786-3731
"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." – Win Borden
The percentage of people dreaming in black and white started decreasing after the spread of color TV.
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA FEBRUARY 2011 Activities for members and their guests Saturday, Feb 5 Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Chapter 10589) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston 4:00pm – 6:30pm $5.50 per Member $7.00 per Guest Wednesday, Feb 9 Pizza Hut Buffet (Chapter 12749) Center St, Auburn 4:00pm – 7:00pm $5.00 per Member $5.50 per Guest Sunday, Feb 13 Basketball Game Maine Red Claws vs. Springfield Armor
239 Park Ave – Portland Expo (Chapter 14346) 1:00pm $18 per Member $20 per Guest Thursday, Feb 17 Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant (Chapter 8609) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston 11:00am – 1:00pm $4.50 per Member $5.00 per Guest Tuesday, Feb 22 Roy’s Breakfast (Chapter 12907) Washington St, Auburn 7:00am – 10:00am $1.50 per Member $2.00 per Guest Wednesday, Feb 23 Yianni’s House of Pizza LUNCH (Chapter 10929) 155 Main St, Paris 11:30am – 1:00pm $5.00 per Member $5.50 per Guest Thursday, Feb 24 Pop Shoppe Diner DINNER (Chapter 14437) 413 Main St, Lewiston 4:00pm – 7:00pm $6.00 per Member $7.00 per Guest
800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn
Names in Iceland's phone books are listed alphabetically by first name not by last name.
Please Note: Prices and Menu are Subject to Change. ***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holiday’s). FMI call 782-1833.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Uncle Andy’s Digest
"A problem well stated is a problem half solved." – Charles F. Kettering
MAILING ADDRESS:
PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:
editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 FAX: 207
783-7039 777-3898
www.UncleAndys.com
FEBRUARY 2011
Staff UNCLE ANDY
Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service! Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted
Smile Again Dentures
Riding the Pine
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
JIMBO
514-0660
Spring Training
Travis Dow
www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Joe & Mike Adkins
Mid-season Form Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
Maggie Joyce Bench Coach
Marty Dow Hall of Famer
Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
Fantastic lunch, I love the hot dogs especially! We love coming here!!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
4
& Jimbo
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• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)
Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
Dot & Bert Chasse
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.”
Jar #47 Submitted by Jimbo
A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
Imagine your financial picture this organized.
Stacy J. Cobb, CLTC® Financial Representative 9 Grove Street, Suite 2 Auburn, ME 04210 (207) 333-3210 stacy.cobb@nmfn.com
Our financial representatives can help you get some of the most important things in life in order. Things like education and retirement funding. Call for a free, no obligation personal needs analysis, and just imagine how good it will feel to get things under control.
So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home very mad. One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" (continued on next page)
You don't win on emotion. You win on execution. – Tony Dungy
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(continued from previous page)
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." – Abraham Lincoln
Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
HOOP DREAMS My Grampy is the best agent I could ever ask for!
JOIN HERE IT’S GOOD FOR THE HEART LG Certification Class Feb. 13, 20, 27th. 11am-6pm each day
PROGRAM & EVENT REGISTRATION Camp Connor: Early Bird Registration Begins Feb. 1st
Youth Swim Lessons: Feb. 14 for members, Open Registration on Feb. 21st.
Baseball/Softball Hitting Instruction: (Ages 7-12): Members Feb. 14th, Public Feb. 21st
Indoor T-Ball (Ages 5-8): Members Feb. 14th, Public Feb. 21st
GRAYCE GOLDBERG Rumor has it that after perfecting her skills at the Y, Grayce is currently being scouted by UCONN for a full basketball scholarship. Grayce is the granddaughter of Duncan Webster (long time friend, advertiser & photographer of/for Uncle Andy’s Digest) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Quickstart Tennis (Ages 5-8): Members Feb. 14th, Public Feb. 21st Triple Crown 5K Series: Feb. 19th
GROUP GROOVE LAUNCH FREE Classes ~ Open to the community: Mon. Feb. 14th 9-10am; Wed. Feb. 16th 10:15-11:15am; Thur. Feb. 17th, 5:15-6:15pm AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)
207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org "The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have." – Anonymous
New Auburn Business District Shop Local
lentine’s
Hamburg er Fries, So , da
a Happy V
T NIGHT
DAR b. 14th Fe
BEER SPECIALS
Karaoke Every Thur., Fri. & Sat. Nite
$
3.99
ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern Every Saturday
47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044
“Love at first bite!”
HOURS: Tues. & Wed. 10am-8pm Thurs. & Fri.10am-Close • Sat. 8am-Close
Andy’s Baked Bean Specials… Don’t Miss Out!
United New Auburn Association Meeting Last Tuesday of February (Feb. 22nd)
Valentine’s Dinner & Dance $12 per couple
Sunday, Feb. 13th
Dinner 4-6pm ❤ Dancing 6-8pm
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: Hot Flash Barbie Press Barbie's belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: Facial Hair Barbie As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: Flabby Arms Barbie Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully:
Oven baked ham, green beans, baked potatoes & dinner roll
Bunion Barbie
New Auburn Social Club
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.
7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039
Screenprinting and Embroidery ✷ HOODED SWEATSHIRT SEASON IS HERE ✷ We will match or beat any written quote in town ✷ Super quality products at super low prices If you own a business, you owe it to your staff to help advertise YOUR business, not someone else’s!! Check us out on Facebook
www.varsitylettering.com
T-Shirts • Hats Athletic Uniforms Sweats Promotional Products
Construction Worker Specials All Month ❤❤
85 Third St., Auburn • 753-1177
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: Divorced Barbie Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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The cheapest best place to buy water is at a liquidation sale.
Jo-Ann Lajoie & Stacy Cobb of Northwestern Mutual showing everyone in New York City that they now are on page 5 of Uncle Andyʼs Digest every month!
Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone: Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: Soccer Mom Barbie All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Broad Street Band Central Maine’s Premiere Classic Rock Dance Band • WEDDINGS • PRIVATE FUNCTIONS • BIRTHDAY PARTIES • COMPANY OUTINGS • AND MORE!
207-754-6462 cbroad@roadrunner.com The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
“I once knew a poet who would start writing his poetry immediately when he got up. He went from bed to verse.”
Neighborly Submitted by Jimbo
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits. The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
$
99 Patient Exam Includes Cleaning & X-rays
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
Limited time offer. Not valid with any other offers. The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion. "Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!" After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!" “When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.” – Henny Youngman
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction." – George Horace Lorimer
Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!
THE SHOP AUTO SERVICE AND CLASSIC CAR RESTORATION Mike Smith, owner
for the whole family
304 Lisbon St., Lisbon • 353-6100 www.theshopclassicrestoration.net theshop@roadrunner.com
Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall)
(207) 782-5030
Also offering color services Walk-ins welcome
$
DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.
10 Cuts!
Men’s, Women’s & Children’s
312-5478
That Little Barber Shop
9 Acadia Ave., Lewiston (off Lisbon St.) Hours: Tues, Thurs, Fri. 9am-5pm • Wed. & Sat. 8am-noon
Cosmetologist Brittany Legare
My sweetheart got me these flowers from Ann’s Flowers in Auburn. They’re the best in the business or I’m not man’s best friend!
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food -- Food will win the war." Beneath someone had written, "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?"
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really!?" he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?"
Affordable! Really! Three meals a day Plus snacks Weekly housekeeping - 24 hour call buttons Transportation to doctors appointments & shopping
All for $1,300 per month!
Openings Available Now! Call for a tour today!!
#433 Rt. 202, PO Box 629, Greene
946-3007 “Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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www.mainemeadows.com
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." – Frank Lloyd Wright
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Diamond Snowplows Morrison & Sylvester, Inc. 1175 Minot Ave. • Auburn, ME 04210 207-783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net
“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.”
L/A's Newest Doggy Daycare & Boarding Facility Opens in Lewiston
Lisa Poulin & Bruce Bilodeau are proud to announce the opening of their new business, Doggone Fun Doggy Daycare and Boarding Facility. Located at 528 Lincoln Street in Lewiston, the business opened in January and features LL Bean Dog Beds, couches, safe play toys and a clean & supervised environment for the dogs. The highlight of the daycare is the over 30,000 sq. ft. of fenced-in outdoor space with 4 separated play areas and play/exercise stations such as the slide, teeter totter and pyramid of power. Each dog is pre-screened by Bilodeau and Poulin before becoming part of the pack, as to ensure that all of the pets that are cared for remain safe and healthy. The main operator of the business Bruce Bilodeau states, "The goal of Doggone Fun Doggy Daycare is to provide a positive environment for your dog to exercise and socialize with other dogs; the happier your dog is, the happier you are." The facility offers hourly, daily, multiple-day and weekly rates for doggy daycare and also has nightly and multiple night boarding rates available. Boarding will also be available for cats in the custom-made feline area which has plenty of toys and objects to entertain the cats while keeping them safely separated behind glass. The doggy daycare hours are MonFri 7:00am to 6:30pm, Saturday and Sunday by appointment and boarding is available 24/7. For more information about the facility, call 786-2794, log on to doggonefundoggydaycare.com or find and like them on facebook. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Smart Lad My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.
It takes 492 seconds for sunlight to reach the Earth!
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC.
"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems
OUR TIRES
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."
SPECI
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Buy 4 New Tires Receive Front End Alignment FREE
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
ARY
FEBRU
$55 Value
60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210
782-6666 or 783-2026
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly. (This is on Uncle Andyʼs bucket list)
Gipper's Sports Grill Scholarship Winners
Hillary Turcotte
Kurtis Stocker
Trevar Haefele
The Gipper's Sports Grill Scholarship is given annually to three students (one each from Lewiston, Saint Dominic Academy & Edward Little) who have participated in sports and excelled in the classroom. The $750 checks are awarded after completion of the student's first semester of college. Here are this year's winners: Trevar Haefele of Saint Dominic Academy, he is currently attending Nazareth College in New York. Kurtis Stocker of Lewiston High School, he currently attends Franklin & Marshall College in Pennsylvania. The scholarship winner from Edward Little High School is Hillary Turcotte, she is currently attending Endicott College in Massachusetts. The students recently received their checks at a special reception recently held at Gipper's Sports Grill in Auburn. Congratulations and best wished to all the winners. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
12
& Jimbo
FEBRUARY 2011 783-7039
One quarter of the human brain is used to control the eyes.
"Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone - that's actually what caused many of their deaths ... pillow fights."
$
15,500
$
$
8,500
8,500
2001 Chevy 2500 HD
2002 Chevy Silverado
1994 Chevy Rack Body
60k, 4x4, Xtra Cab, Loaded, BRAND NEW 8’ BOSS PLOW
4x4, Ext. Cab
2WD, 6.5 Diesel, 87K
www.MandPautosales.com HOT FEBRUARY DEALS NOW GOING ON!
Call, click or get here!! 2007 Chevy Equinox, 90K, AWD, Loaded, leather . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,800 2006 Dodge Caravan, 40k, runs good . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,500 2005 Chevy Cobalt, 87k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2003 Chevy Trailblazer, 4x4, 3rd Seat, Loaded, 75K . . . . . . . . . . .$8,995 2001 Volvo V70, Black, 119k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 1999 F350 Superduty, 230K, 7.3 Diesel, Previous Ambulance . . .$2,995
M & P AUTO SALES
Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867 "I wish I had asked for a seat in advance," Uncle Andy said reservedly.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”
Quality Service at an Affordable Price! • Diagnostic Specialists • State Inspections • Much, much • Tires & Tire Service more! • Full Brake Service • Complete A/C Service • Alignments
We make owning Audi, VW, BMW’s & Mercedes more affordable!
Rick
Ron
Jeremy
Joshua
Don Gilks
Owner
Adv. Master Tech
Technician
Technician
Operations Manager
NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net
Eye Glass Confessions As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
Hey, it keeps me warm...
"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first. Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad." The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."
The most damaging phrase in the language is: 'It's always been done that way.' – Grace Murray Hopper Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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2007 Toyota Tacoma 2003 Hummer H2 2009 Nissan Altima Hybrid! Double Cab, 4x4, V6, SR5, Auto, CD, PW, Luxury, Plush Leather Heated Seats, 3rd 35MPG City Rating! Great on the wallet Loaded! Very Clean, Silver $SAVE SAVE Row, BOSE, Moonroof, New Tires, 48K, and the Earth! Showroom Condition. Immaculate! Thunder Gray $SAVE SAVE Burgundy $SAVE SAVE SAVE
Jim’s
Over 60 vehicles to choose from starting at $3,800 online at:
AUTO SALES
Home of the 90 day 3000 mile 1097 Center St., Auburn • 784-5438 warranty 1-800-289-5467 Ask for Dave
www.JimsAutoSales.com
A peanut is not a nut. It is a legume.
If youʼre over 100 years old, thereʼs an 80% chance youʼre a woman.
Top 10 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s
Skip the chocolates. Make sure your Valentine’s vehicle is running perfectly!
10) Best of the best 12 years running for automotive service 9) Full service garage, no problem too big or too small 8) Fair & honest quotes 7) Accurate diagnosis of problems 6) Expert service & highest quality 5) Great customer service with a smile 4) We service all makes and models 3) State of the art equipment 2) Complimentary Coffee & Donuts 1) Free shuttle service in L/A Just one of the many compliments we receive: “By far the most friendliest, honest and dependable auto shop in town! Also like their new waiting area with the leather couches and Keurig coffee machine. Keep up the good work!!”
Mike Morin’s Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”
1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433
Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery
January 7th, 1927 - First transatlantic telephone call - New York City to London.
Matthew Bennett joins Austin Associates Austin Associates, PA, CPAs is pleased to announce that Matthew Bennett has joined the firm, providing audit, tax and accounting services. He received his B.S. in Accounting along with a B.A. in History and a minor in Finance from Hartwick College in New York and plans to become a CPA. Prior to joining the firm, Matt worked for Ernst & Young LLP, one of the Big Four accounting firms with an office in Stamford, Connecticut for two years. On January 4, 2011 Matt participated in The Chamber Career Fair, discussing what “life is like as an accountant” with high school sophomores from all over Androscoggin County. After experiencing a summer internship at Austin Associates while attending Hartwick College, Matt fully appreciates the importance of the business community working with local schools to ensure students recognize and are afforded opportunities to learn beyond the classroom. Having grown up in L/A, Matt is a graduate of Edward Little High School and now resides in Auburn. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s employee party
Baby whales grow at an average rate of 10lbs per hour!
Michele Tribou Heidiʼs owner
Four Generations Four generations recently celebrated the Christmas holiday together. (l to r) grand daughter, Laurie Pelletier; daughter, Linda Bilodeau; great grandmother, Hilda Foss, and great grand daughter, Abbigale Pelletier
That’s right... it was me. I did it!
RE-OPENING IN FEBRUARY CHECK OUT OUR NEWLY REMODELED AND EXPANDED GARAGE, COMPLETED THIS MONTH!
Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…
NO PROBLEM!
$
55/hr. LABOR RATE Brad Johnson
Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Fully Warranteed & Certified
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Jean-Claude Van Damme learned to speak English by watching the cartoon 'The Flintstones.'
The oil used by jewelers to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3,000 a gallon.
Out & About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s employee party
February Specials $
12,995
2004 Chevrolet Suburban LT 4X4, Leather, 3rd Row Seating, 121K
$
2004 Jeep
9,495
There’s nothing you can do to make me smile...
Ok Michele, you got me!
Cherokee Laredo 4X4, Leather, Roof, 102K
Illness forced sale!
$
16,995
2008 Buick Lucerne CX
Jacob Johnston & Michele Tribou
with only 9,130 ONE OWNER miles! Like BRAND NEW!! 6 Cyl., Auto, cost over $25,000 new! MUST SEE!!
200 Auburn Road in Turner • 225-2694 • 4 miles north of Auto Mile
www.kryauto.com The Great Wall of China can be seen from the Moon.
Whitney 'Whit' Henry, Nicholas Letourneau Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Government Pipe Specifications
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY
2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
SHARE OUR PASSION
3) The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5) All pipe should be supplied without rust this can be more readily applied at the job site. (Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.) 6) All pipe over 500 ft in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
AMES AMES
SPORT SHOP, SHOP, Inc Inc SPORT
84 Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)
January 13th, 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers Callisto, 4th moon of Jupiter.
2/28/11
7) Pipe over 2 miles in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, (continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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For beer commercials, they add liquid detergent to the beer to make it foam more.
(continued from previous page)
The odds of getting a hole-in-one in golf are estimated at about 18,000-to-1.
“New England’s Best Kept Secret!” 2007 FORD F150 SXT 81K
One Owner Super Cab, Loaded, Black, 4x4
Realal e D AUTO
8) All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
SALES
$14,995
275 Washington Ave • Auburn
784-5114
DUKE & KEVIN
2006 HONDA ELEMENT
2005 GMC SIERRA
2004 NISSAN MAXIMA
93K
127K
One Owner AWD, Mint condition
82K
Excellent condition
Silver, Like new, V6
Super crew cab, 4x4
$10,995
$14,500
$8,995
2004 VW JETTA GLS
2003 VW JETTA GLS
2002 VW GTI
100K
68K
53K
Excellent condition!
$5,995
so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
Leather
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2007 VW Jetta, 63k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,995 2006 Ford F150 Super crew, 119k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$15,900 2005 Ford Escape, 76k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,995 2005 Subaru Legacy, Auto, 104K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,995 2005 Subaru Legacy, Std., 142K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 2004 Volvo S-60, AWD, 129k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,995 2004 VW Passat Wagon, AWD, 83k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,495 2003 Saab 9-5 Linear, 1 owner, 64k, Like new . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,495 2003 GMC Yukon XL, Loaded, 127k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,995 2002 Volkswagen Jetta GLS, 1 Owner, 100K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2002 Volkswagen Jetta GL, 56K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,495 2000 Honda Accord, 4 door, 146k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,995
www.realdealmaine.com Large kangaroos can cover more than 30 feet with each jump!
9) Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10) When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11) Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12) All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. 1963, the first real American discotheque, Whiskey-A-Go-Go, opened on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, California. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
FEBRUARY 2011
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Book Smart Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell." The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer." Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Baby beavers are called kittens.
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Uncle Andy had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Uncle Andy made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mic. "Uncle Andy, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Uncle Andy nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Uncle Andy, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" (continued on next page)
Did you know that you can be addicted to always being right?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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(continued from previous page)
AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE
Uncle Andy was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the second part first." The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Uncle Andy. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Uncle Andy, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Honestly, don’t you think I’m much cuter than Uncle Andy, Jimbo or Travis?
The Boeing 737 is nicknamed the Fat Albert.
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Roasted As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
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Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."
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We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
FEBRUARY 2011
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Out & About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s employee party
If someone was to fly once around the surface of the moon, it would be equal to a round trip from New York to London.
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In 1966, Davie Jones changed his name to David Bowie so he wouldn't be confused with Davy Jones of the Monkees. And the rest is history... Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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The first lighthouse was in Alexandria in 290 B.C.
There is an organization called SCROOGE in Charlottesville, Virginia that stands for Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous, and Ostentatious Gift Exchanges.
Out & About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli’s employee party
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I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think. – Rumi The largest diamond found in the United States was a 40.23 carat white diamond. It was found in 1924 and nicknamed the "Uncle Sam."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Through the Years Well, A group of 15year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street. 10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the drinks were cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys. 10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the atmosphere was good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. 10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they (continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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The world's deepest gold mine is 4.3 miles below the surface of the Earth.
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Gray, 6 cyl...................................................................................$3,277 2005 Chevy Trailblazer LS, 4WD, 74K, Silver, Auto, 4.2L...........................................................$11,777 2004 Chrysler Sebring Touring, 59k, Red, Auto, 6 cyl .................................................................$7,377 2003 Dodge Durango SLT, 4WD, 111k, Black, Auto, 4.7L............................................................$6,977 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan SE, 76k, Silver, Auto, V6..................................................................$8,377 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan SE, 80k, Auto...................................................................................$7,877 2003 Dodge Durango...................................................................................................................$6,977 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan, 76k .................................................................................................$8,677 1998 Dodge Neon...........................................................................................................................$995 2001 Ford Expedition XLT, 138k, Burgundy, Auto, 8 cyl...............................................................$3,377 2002 Ford F150 XLT, Off White, 8 cyl...........................................................................................$8,477 2006 Ford Focus ZX4 SE, 51k, Red, 5 speed, 4 cyl......................................................................$7,277 2008 Ford Focus SE, 55k, Silver, Auto, 4 cyl ...............................................................................$9,977 2003 Ford Ranger XLT, 95k, Red, 6 cyl........................................................................................$9,777 2002 Ford Explorer, 95k...............................................................................................................$5,997 1999 GMC Sierra Classic 3500 SLT, 139k, Blue, 8 cyl .................................................................$6.977 2007 Jeep Liberty Sport ............................................................................................................$11,977 2003 Honda Accord EX, 62k, Dk. Green, Auto, 6 cyl....................................................................$9,977 2005 Honda Civic EX, 93k, Silver, 5 speed, 1.7L..........................................................................$9,277 2009 Honda Civic LX, 47k, silver, 5 speed, 4 cyl........................................................................$12,377 2005 Hyundai Accent GLS, 75k, 4 cyl..........................................................................................$6,377 2006 Hyundai Accent GLS, 82k, Red, 5 speed, 4 cyl ...................................................................$4,777 2007 Hyundai Accent...................................................................................................................$9,477 2007 Kia Optima LX, 79k, Black, Auto, 4 cyl................................................................................$7,977 2001 Kia Sephia, 77k, Gray, 5 speed, 4 cyl ..................................................................................$2,977 2008 Kia Rio, 11k ........................................................................................................................$9,677 2004 Mazda 6s, 95k, Charcoal, 5 speed, 3.0L ......................................................................New Arrival 2004 Mazda 6s, 5 door, 78k, Blue, Leather, Auto, 3.0L................................................................$9,977 2000 Mazda MPV LX, 157k, Lt. Green, Auto, 6 cyl ......................................................................$2,977 2000 Nissan Maxima GXE, 149k, Green, 6 cyl .............................................................................$3,377 2006 Nissan Maxima .................................................................................................................$12,477 2007 Pontiac G6, 77k, Lt. Blue, Auto, 4 cyl..................................................................................$8,477 2006 Subaru Forester 2.5X, 66k, Dk. Blue, 5 speed, 4 cyl ...........................................................$9,977 2004 Toyota Camry LE, 90k, Tan, Auto, V6..................................................................................$9,477 2006 VW GTI, 85k, Black, 5 speed, 4 cyl ...................................................................................$11,977 2004 VW Beetle GLS, 70k, Silver, 4 cyl........................................................................................$7,877
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(continued from previous page)
Every U.S. bill regardless of denomination costs just 4 cents to make.
agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters were younger. 10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol. 10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
Expires 3/31/10
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10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and there was no stairs to climb. 10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.
The world's oldest rose is located Hildeshiem Cathedral in Germany and is thought to be over 1,000 years old.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Healthy Androscoggin Unveils Youth Inspired Mural
The most popular grown bulbs are tulips.
Artist Sherie Blumenthal and Jeanelle Demers from the ArtVan program stand by the finished product.
18 year old Patrick McDonough of Lewiston shows his original sketches for the mural.
Healthy Androscoggin was very excited to unveil its new youth inspired healthy community mural recently. This project was an opportunity for youth from all over Androscoggin County to share their vision of a healthy community in an artistic and collaborative way. Sherie Blumenthal from Lots to Gardens was the artist behind the project. Children in various after school programs were asked the question "what does a healthy community look like to you?" Stemming from that question, the youth were asked to make drawings, write poems, or paint pictures that depicted healthy lifestyles. These drawings could center on eating well, being active, gardening, playing sports, or staying away from drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. The completed youth creations were used make a storyboard for the mural. Several youth submitted artwork that was incorporated into the piece. 18 year old Patrick McDonough of Lewiston assisted Sherie and came up with the main design. He also helped with the painting. Thanks to the efforts of Sherie, Patrick, the ArtVan and other participating youth organizations, the completed mural will have its permanent home at Healthy Androscoggin's office in the Lewiston. For more information, contact Healthy Androscoggin at 795-5990, info@healthyandroscoggin.org or visit www.healthyandroscoggin.org. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website
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In 2002, the most popular boat name in the U.S. was Liberty.
Annually 17 tons of gold is used to make wedding rings in the United States.
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The range of a medieval long-bow is 220 yards.
Where's The Beef The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked. "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Get Better Soon A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
FEBRUARY 2011
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Paper Walls As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
Voting Tips A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner... One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Instead of a birthday cake, many children in Russia are given a birthday pie.
2003 Mercedes S500
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Other Inventory 05 Nissan Sentra Auto, CD...............................................................$5995 05 Nissan Altima, Auto .....................................................................$7,495 04 Audi A4 Quattro, Auto, 57k, ...................................................$12495 04 Hyundai Elantra GLS, 84k, Auto................................................$5495 04 GMC Yukon 86k, Loaded, Rear Entertainment, Third Row..$CALL 04 Subaru Forester 2.5X, Automatic, AWD ..................................$5995 03 Infinity QX4, Auto, 4WD, V6 ......................................................$9495 03 Saab 9-3, 88k, Black, 5-Speed ..................................................$6995 03 Volvo S60, AWD, Gold ................................................................$8995 02 Chevy Cavalier, CD, 73k,.............................................................$3995 02 Ford F250, 73k, Auto, 4x4, Brand New Fisher Minute Mount Plow .......................................$12995 02 Volvo S60, Auto, Keyless Entry, Leather..................................$6495 02 VW Jetta 5-Speed, Power Windows & Roof, Alloy Wheels..$3995 01 Audi A4 1.8T Quattro, Auto, AWD, Silver................................$5495 01 Audi S4, Twin Turbo, 6-Speed, AWD........................................$8995 01 Audi A6 Wagon, 3rd Row Seat .................................................$5,995 00 Dodge Neon, As Is ........................................................................$CALL 00 GMC Sierra, 6.0L V8, 4x4, .........................................................$8495 00 Jeep Grand Cherokee, 90k, 4x4 ................................................$5795 00 VW Passat GLX, 69k, 5-Speed ..................................................$5995 99 Audi A4 1.8T, Black......................................................................$5395 99 Audi A4, Silver ..............................................................................$5295 99 Dodge Ram Truck, As Is, New Tranny......................................$3495
99 Audi A4, 1.8T, parts car ...................................................Call for price 98 Audi A4, V6, 97k, Silver ..............................................................$5495 98 Honda Accord LX, Silver..............................................................$3995 97 Audi Wagon, As Is.........................................................................$1995 97 Acura CL Coupe............................................................................$1,995 97 Audi A6 Wagon, parts car................................................Call for price 83 Mercedes 380SL, 2-Door Roadster, 114k, V8, Auto, ........$10500 Mille Miglia 18� Rims ..........................................................................$500 New Wheel & Tire Packages .............................................Call for pricing
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DC-10, the name of an airplane stands for "Douglas Commercial."
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In 1864, Abraham Lincoln wrote a letter to Lydia Bixby, a Boston widow who had lost five sons in the Civil War. That letter, featured in Steven Spielberg's "Saving Private Ryan" movie, became known as one of the most beautiful letters ever written.
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P Donʼs No the ain from d e rm e iv e G c t. has re Don S of Auburn man ACE Award g in w o T ence . can Tow ormance us Ameri rvice perf e prestigio nʼs s o ti in a t n n veme by the for achie ominated h centers, n re e w ts atc Recipien and disp O, tor clubs o et, GEIG m r -N h jo c a a m o C , n n o o ri ti Asu nd Na including ile Club a Automob l a n o ti a N vers. s for the Save Dri guideline n o ti tage of a in st percen e The nom h ig is h e of arrival clude: th ated time award in ; m e ti s m e ti e e n th spons calls whe ncy in re nd a te ; is s rs n e o m c ; usto achieved on from c serviced ppreciati lls a c f o written a e g ), a percenta em away th of turn d n a (instead y it of reliabil reflection alism. n top one professio nk in the ra ts n ie ip tryʼs ACE rec ing indus f the tow was rd a w a percent o e ers. Th id v rd cerero a p w e servic e ACE A th g n ri u dd nvention presente imore Co lt a B e 2010. th Nov. 21, mony at ok place to t a th r Cente
My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video. After they finished their presentation, one of them said "To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck." In 1547, Ivan IV was crowned the first czar (emperor) of Russia. Following the death of his wife Anastasia in 1560, Ivan began acting more erratically. Because his acts also became more brutal, he became known as Ivan the Terrible. If you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him, you may say with confidence that he is a good man.
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“If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”
– Fyodor Dostoevsky Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Flood of Color Crayola crayons come in 120 colors including 23 reds, 20 greens, 19 blues, 16 purples, 14 oranges, 11 browns, 8 yellows, 2 grays, 2 coppers, 2 blacks, 1 white, 1 gold and 1 silver. In the last 97 years, over 100 billion Crayola crayons have been made.
The first place to celebrate St.Patrick's Day was in Boston, Massachusetts in 1737.
Since 1953
www.LuiggisPizzeria.com
The Luiggi’s Gang invites you to try the
FEBRUARY SPECIAL Four Little Words
SPAGHETTI DINNER $
3.99
Includes Meatball, Salad, Garlic Bread
Submitted by Jimbo
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, he's sweet, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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How do you get your business back on target?
With affordable advertising in
Uncle Andy’s Digest Whether it’s branding you need, letting people know where you are or educating the public about what you do – we can help!
Call us at 783-7039 or email us at editor@UncleAndys.com FMI. Touching and stroking a plant will aid in it growing healthy.
When Easter baskets were first introduced they were made to look like a bird's nest.
TROP ICAL HARMONY
We have plenty of cold beer a nice wine selection!
All your salt water tank needs right here!
Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372
Artist’s rendition of the confused look most people get after an encounter with Uncle Andy... ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS
Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products
"Helping the environment one job at a time"
K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC 577-8725 www.KandLGreenClean.com OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON
Backfired Submitted by Jimbo
Sarah and her thirteenyear-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong two-yearold, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-yearold that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact. "I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone. Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be (continued on next page)
The most overdue book in the world was borrowed from Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge, England and was returned 288 years later.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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(continued from previous page)
better from now on.
In the wild, the poinsettia flower can reach a height of 12 feet, and have leaves that are eight inches across.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?" In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matterof-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
The Cowboy's Ten Commandments 1) Just one God. 2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. 3) No telling tales or gossipin'. 4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. 5) Put nothin' before God. 6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. 7) No killin'. 8) Watch yer mouth. 9) Don't take what ain't yers. 10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuffʼs. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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The reason why bubbles are round is because this is the most efficient shape that the soap film can take for the amount of air trapped inside.
Join the
Family! Upcoming Events
Thursday, March 3rd
Saturday, March 5th
MEN’S NIGHT
FLORIDA BEACH PARTY W/ THE L-A HARLEY BAND
at 6:30 – 9:30pm
Win a 4 day - 3 night trip to Daytona! Given away that night!! Food & refreshments • Party kicks off at 7:00pm
Friday, March 4th
LADIES NIGHT at 6:30 – 9:30pm February 1st – 28th FREE overnight snowmobile trip with purchase of new or used bike!
courtesy of Northern Outdoors
Saturday, Feb. 19th at
Movie Night @ 7pm Featuring “Wild Hogs”
Food, refreshments & Giveaways!
839 Main Street, Lewiston • 786-2822 • WWW.L-AHARLEY.COM Hours: Tues.-Fri. 9AM-6PM; Sat. 9AM-5PM; Sunday - GONE RIDIN’
The longest engagement lasted 67 years, and the couple ended up marrying when they were 82 years old.
LOCALLY OWNED & OPERATED
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.
Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
Mall Musician A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?” I donʼt have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case, youʼll have to accompany me.” “Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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-Sat. Mon. : S R HOU m-9pm 7a Sun. -8pm 10am
1.00 OFF
Fresh Mozzarella Sandwich OR Hell’s Kitchen Sandwich (Fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, pesto and balsamic vinegar)
(Egg salad, bacon, swiss cheese, avocado and cajun sauce)
Either sandwich includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or potato chips and a pickle.
600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com
THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •
(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414
Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings
Dog gonnit… We want your business!
AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Nessie
But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."
$
Boo
At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.
Fall In Love With Our February Special
Porter
Wedding Speech
CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com
Eggcettera Catering
If you’re too busy to cook and you don’t want fast food, try our home-cooked meals!
UN C LE A
N D Y A P P R O V ED
For only $7 each, Dinner for 1-200. Please order one day prior. Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.
Eggcettera Catering 784-5544
31 Leavitt Street, Auburn (first left after the Minot Ave./Hotel Rd. intersection as you head toward Mechanic Falls)
See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com
Cash • Check • Major Credit Cards
"To lead the people, walk behind them." – Lao Tzu
THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm
Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm
FRIDAYS
SATURDAYS
LADIES Night Drink Specials
DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!
DJ & Live Local Entertainment
ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !
Fri. Feb. 4th Party with the Jaeger Girls! Sat. Feb. 5th Five Face North & The Mechanical Bull Sat. Feb. 6th SUPER BOWL PARTY $10/pp in advance $12/door. Includes food & drink specials Sat. Feb. 12th Uncle Andy’s Digest Party seeFMbelow
Fri. Feb. 18th Sat. Feb. 19th Fri. Feb. 25th Sat. Feb. 26th Sat. Mar. 5th
Before the Betrayal & Guests Riot Act Spawn of Man & Guests Back in Black: AC/DC Tribute Band Strict 9 & The Mechanical Bull
I
see below FMI
Come one, come all to the Biggest Party in L/A!
Saturday, February 12th
Sat. Feb. 26th
Uncle Andy’s Digest
Back in Black
– y t r a –P
Doors op en at 8pm
Live Music All Night Long
by Maine’s Newest & Greatest Dance Band See page 46 to get your ticket!
Performing the best of Funk, R&B, Rap, Blues, Rock & more
150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info
AC/DC Tribute Band Reserved Tickets & Seating Available
Call 784-7785 FMI
Out & About at St. Mary’s Hospital Open House
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
Getting the tour of the new surgical pavilion
St. Mary’s performs an average of 5,200 surgeries each year!
The longest surgery ever performed at St. Mary’s was a 23-hour reconstructive plastic surgery case.
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. – e.e. cummings Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.
ON-SITE DRUG TESTING D.O.T. Drug Screening
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15 $ 20
Alcohol Screening
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30
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*Call for out-of-area pricing
Testing can be performed in the privacy of your home or office.
MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator
577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com These guys at Main Street Music are absolutely unbelieveable musicians! Whether you play guitar or piano or any other instrument listed below they can help take you to the next level. From a beginner just getting started to the seasoned pro. Plug in for yourself, you’ll see what I mean!
Service Center
I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means
We also perform hair follicle drug screens, paternity tests, private investigations, tenant screenings & background checks.
Authorized
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means
Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
INSTRUMENT REPAIR, SERVICE & SALES Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair
Also offering lessons in: • Guitar • Piano • Voice • Banjo • Violin • Music theory
• Bass • Mandolin • Brass & Woodwinds
134 Main Street, Auburn
www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com • 376-3376 Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Argument Settled Submitted by Jimbo
The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: HAN: Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!
KEEPER OF FREEDOM After a long mission in Afghanistan I like to sit down to the latest issue of Uncle Andy's Digest.
"Fine." I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and replied, "You're right."
Farming Dream The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Isaac “Bone” Labonte in Afghanistan with his favorite reading material Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST has a full-time position available for an Account Executive
Sales experience is mandatory Ability to create and maintain accounts in a competitive market. Sales experience is mandatory. At least two years sales experience preferred. Join a growing company with a publication like no other. Earn a competitive income with other perks.
Qualified candidate should/have: • Reliable vehicle • Clean driving record • Great attitude • Work well under pressure • Be a team player • Good computer skills Position details: • Base salary plus commission • Earn other perks such as: Gas & cell phone allotments, Join company’s Simple IRA plan • Company supplied computer, email & camera Email resumes & cover letter to: editor@UncleAndys.com or fax to: 777-3898 or mail to: PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 UncleAndys.com
Emily
Make Your Sweetheart’s Valentine’s Day Special Chocolate Manicures & Pedicures All Month Long
ne Christi
nly! O y a D s ’ e Valentin e $100
th Elizabe
g a s s a M s ’ e Coupl uired, ent req Appointm w! call no
Cindy
Lynn
Gift cards make great gifts Daniel
Jen
• • • • •
• Cuts • Styles Colors & Highlights • • Perms • Extensions •
Manicures Pedicures Artificial Nails Massage Waxing Arbonne Make-up
Michelle
782-9009
studio for hair, nails & massage
20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos)
Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: Obi Wan Kenobi: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.
L/A’s Newest Doggy Daycare & Boarding Facility Largest fenced-in play/exercise area around. Personalized attention. Safe & monitored interaction with other dogs.
Your dogs are going to lo ve us! M-F 7am-6:30pm Weekends by appointment only
Following Directions A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
Lisa Poulin & Bruce Bilodeau
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road. In a few short weeks I’ll be taking my pups to Doggone Fun Doggy Daycare to burn some energy... Hope their ready for all 8 of us
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!" A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you five grand!" "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it," the attorney said.
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: R2D2: beep beep be bop.
"Nature, time and patience are three great physicians."
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
– H.G. Bohn
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road: AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Dadʼs Wisdom When I was about 13 and my brother 10, our father promised to take us to the circus. But then at lunchtime there was a phone call-some urgent business that required his attention downtown--and we braced ourselves for disappointment. But then we heard him say, "No, I won't be able to come down. It's going to have to wait."
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
GRAB & GO HotLUNCH!! Dogs Hot Soups
Pizza by the Slice
TUESDAY SPECIAL ITALIANS $1.59 (Ham, Veggi or Salami)
Find us on Facebook & Foursquare He came back to the table and mother smiled, "The circus keeps coming back, you know." "I know," he said, "but childhood doesn't." After all these years I remember that moment. And I knew from the sudden glow of warmth that no kindness is ever really wasted or completely lost. Because the only thing you take with you to heaven is your family. – Arthur Gordon Uncle Andy came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Travis, somebody just stole your Jeep from the parking lot!" Travis replied, "Did you see who it was?" Uncle Andy answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Walk-In Beer Cave & Cooler L/A’s Largest Selection Kegs • Growlers • Mini-Kegs
F~lorian’s Market ~
301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week
Bring your next framing job to D&R Framing and get Expert Custom Framing! Quality Personal Service!!
Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.
FREE Glass
*
*Regular glass - up to 24”x30”
23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333
Dan Williams, owner
SUNDAY BREAKFAST BRUNCH “Biggest and Best in Town!”
9:00am – 1:00pm every Sunday Open for Breakfast daily 7-11am Also see us for: Specialty foods • Meats & Cheeses • Wine Dessert bakery • Breads • Soups • Salads Gelato & more!
2 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn • 333-3062 • Mon-Sat 7am-8pm Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I was working smarter, not harder.
Out & About with YPLAA at Fuel for a Gritty’s Beer Dinner
We can ship anything... Anywhere! (well, almost anything)
• UPS, FedEx & DHL shipping • Packaging Services • eBay • Mailboxes and more!
120 Center Street, Auburn
www.AuburnGoinPostal.com
Adam Dow, Eric Agren, Dan & Sandy Marquis and Tammie Grieshaber
784-9900
Adam Dunbar, Jason Levesque, Kelly Jaeger, Glenn Aho, Kevin Fletcher, Ed Stebbins & Jim Desmond
SAVE VALUABLE TIME!
Tammi Grieshaber & Hillary Eaton
Whether you’re a one-person company or a several hundred-person company, time is an issue. We guarantee you will save time by reducing the hours spent producing payroll information and preparing payroll registers, quarterly, and year to date payroll reports.
PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.
100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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COME ONE - COME ALL! TO THE BIGGEST PARTY IN CENTRAL MAINE!! Saturday, February 12th
en Doors op at 8pm s art Music st at 9pm
Y T R A P T S E G I D S ’ Y D N A UNCLE AT CLUB TEXAS Live music by TICKLE Maine’s newest & hottest dance band Performing the best of Funk, R&B, Rap, Blues, Rock & more
DARY! N E G E L E R A S PARTIE UNCLE ANDY’S 150 Center St. Auburn 784-7785
! ! T I S S I M DON’T
Club Texas 8:00pm
February 12, 2011
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST PARTY
Here is your official ticket to join us for a great time...
Digester’s Discount
$
2 OFF Cover Charge Live music by TICKLE
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
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with any amount of bottles with this coupon Expires 2/28/11
Mechanic Falls Redemption Richard Conway, owner
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame Inductees
I finished mine first!
Rick & Dylan Lajoie
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart alec, Tex" said the first. "Heʼs going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back" "Not Tex," said the second. "Heʼll always be just a good olʼ boy. When he walks in, Iʼm sure all heʼll say is hello."
We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods. And definitely worth the trip!
20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm
Cowboy Up
Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm
Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame! Home of the Double Yolker
Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere
Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I'm in the management-training program.
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "Heʼs so smart, heʼll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
Insecured A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He texted his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His text read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss." He received the following text from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore
897-3400 1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston
784-3100
Let us help you make that tax return go further
SOLID SURFACE
Stacy Whetzel and Jerimiah Morrissette
COUNTERTOP SALE! Purchase any one: • Corian • Hi-Macs • Livingstone ®
®
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Receive FREE Sink, Template & Install!
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Did you know that there are more than 2.7 million people named Smith in the United States alone.
Out & About at St. Mary’s Hospital Open House Getting the tour of the new surgical pavilion
What an impressive, professional & high tech OR and surgical pavilion!
Transformers
Hebert’s Construction was proud to be part of this great project!
"Good, better, best. Never rest until good be better and better best." – Mother Goose rhyme
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Smart Robber My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register.
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
February is here... Are you ready?
"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked. "No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
Options I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
$
899
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it. My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe." I realized that my fiveyear-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.
$
1199
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
Treat Your Sweetheart to a Spa Package Day of Tranquility (5 hours)
$250.00
Swedish Massage, Age Smart Anti-Aging Facial, Sea Salt Body Scrub, Manicure, Pedicure, Shampoo Blow Dry and Style, Complimentary Lunch
Healing Escape (4 hours)
$185.00
Swedish Massage Classic European Facial, Manicure, Pedicure, Shampoo Blow Dry and Style, Complimentary Lunch
Mini Escape (3 1/2 hours) $135.00 Classic European Facial, Manicure, Pedicure, Shampoo Blow Dry and Style, Complimentary Lunch Back l to r: Shannon Lord, Mel Cote, Hannah Greene. Front: Ashley Farrell, Darcy Ames
336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611 In 1895, Buster Keaton was born in Piqua, Kansas. One of the most famous of the silent film comedians, Keaton was known as the Great Stone Face because of his deadpan delivery. Keaton has two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: 6619 Hollywood Boulevard (for motion pictures); and 6321 Hollywood Boulevard (for television). Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Flowers are always a safe bet! Your sweetheart deserves the best.
Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457
www.annsflower.com
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: The coffee machine is broken.
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area
y a D s ’ e n i t n e l a u V n e N m E l l P u O &f s l a i c e p 2fer s
15 Plasma TV’s including 71” HD Plasma Catch all the Bruins & Celtics games in HD! HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I was cross-training for telecommuting.
BREAKFAST SPECIALS “All breakfast specials include coffee.”
Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am You asked… we listened! A new brand of coffee!
Fresh steak cut and ground daily. Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm
5 Washington St.,
MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast.............$3.75 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.....................$3.75 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.75 THURSDAY: French Toast .....$3.75
Auburn
FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette..$3.75
783-4304
SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.75
Phone Orders Are Welcome
SUNDAY: French Crepes .......$3.75
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expires 2/28/11
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Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Delivery The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver." The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line." "This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now." "He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish." "The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire." – Richard Nixon Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at St. Mary’s Hospital Open House Getting the tour of the new surgical pavilion
An inside source tells me this new OR will be ready for use on February 1st.
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.
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I’m just laughing because Travis said the photo below reminded him of the inside of Uncle Andy’s head!
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Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... When people get on, he asks for their tickets.
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... When there's only one other person in the elevator, he taps them on the shoulder and then pretends it wasn't him.
Now serving 4 different Soups every day! Nice warm soup during work or to take home Entertainment Schedule Sat. Feb. 5 Chad Porter Sat. Feb. 12 Jan Mayes Sat. Feb. 19 Okbari Belly Dancers
Out & About at St. Mary’s Hospital Open House Getting the tour of the new surgical pavilion Did you know that ether was once the most common anesthesia given until safer, less toxic anesthetics were developed?
Thursdays - Come play your own music, 7-10pm. Food & drink specials all night!
Live Entertainment Every Weekend! Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs 84 Court St, Auburn
333-3041 www.hollysown.com
Enjoy dinner in our cozy fireplace room!
Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00 • Sat. 11:00-10:00
Holly Mireault, Owner
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Pushes the buttons and pretend they give him a shock. Smile, and goes back for more.
More than 60% of surgeries are now performed on an outpatient basis.
Winter Wonderland Auburn Winter Festival happenings at Lost Valley Friday, Feb. 4th
Saturday, Feb. 5th
5-8 PM Kiddy sledding and bonfire 5-9 PM $15 lift tickets / $15 rentals
9 AM-5 PM $21 lift tickets / $21 rentals
8:00 PM Live music by UNDER THE COVERS in the Brookside Lounge with special appearance by the "Jager Girls"
Sunday, Feb. 6th
Activities going on all day, including Really Ridiculous Relay Race at 10 AM
10 AM-5 PM $21 lift tickets
Sat. night 5-9 PM $10 lift tickets/$10 rentals Kiddy sledding and bonfire 5-8 PM
9:00 AM Down Hill Mountain Bike Races
8:00 PM Live music by UNDER THE COVERS in the Brookside Lounge
Torch Light Paradis at 9:00 PM
For more details and happenings at other Auburn locations visit www.auburnmaine.org
February is shaping up to be a fantastic ski / snowboarding month! Be sure to check us out!! 200 Lost Valley Road, Auburn • 784-1561 • www.lostvalleyski.com Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Asks if he can push the buttons for other people, but pushes the wrong ones.
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Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Hold the doors open and says heʼs waiting for his friend. After a while, he lets the doors close and says, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?"
Now Accepting New Patients TAYLOR BROOK
DENTAL ASSOCIATES Preventative and Cosmetic Dentistry We participate with Northeast Delta Dental Also ask about Care Credit or SpringBrook Patient Financing Not a Medicare or MaineCare Provider
T AYLOR B ROOK D ENTAL A SSOCIATES 784-1577 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... When the doors close, he menacingly announces that "It's going to be a bumpy ride."
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Constantly bounces a tennis ball.
27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Drops a pen and waits until someone reaches to help pick it up, then says, "that's mine!"
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Out & About at St. Mary’s Hospital Open House
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Stands in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing.
Getting the tour of the new surgical pavilion
Our OR nursing staff has over 575 years of combined experience!
It puts a smile on my face to know that St. Mary’s used all local contractors and subcontractors for this 23.8 million dollar project!
Thank you to everyone who toured our brand new OR!
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Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
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Hours: Mon-Fri 8am-10pm • Sat-Sun 7am - 10pm
Pupil: Banana. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Attention Snowmobilers! All trails lead to Mario’s!
783-7039
926-3434
Breakfast Served until 11am
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Takes pictures of everyone in the elevator. For the Digest of course...
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Turns off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."
Aliens Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
Out & About at St. Mary’s Hospital Open House Getting the tour of the new surgical pavilion
Our new contemporary ventilation system, including an “air curtain”, greatly reduces the risk of infection.
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Leaves a box in the corner, and when someone gets on he asks them if they hear something ticking.
Snow Budget Feeling The Heat? WHY WE’RE MORE AFFORDABLE: • Our snow dump is located within 1 mile of downtown Lewiston/Auburn. This significantly lowers our hourly transport cost compared to our competitors • We sell rock salt and sand/salt mix at our facility • We maintain our own equipment
20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston www.stlaurentandson.com • 784-7944
A neat fact: every 3 minutes there is a complete air exchange in the OR.
Locally owned and operated since 1970!
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... When the doors close, he announces to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
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English Chaos
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Stands alone, and when the doors open he tells people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's (continued on next page)
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Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Swats at flies that don't exist.
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Talks to people about the "golden age of elevators in the 50's."
(continued from previous page)
OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, (continued on next page)
Things Uncle Andy Does In An Elevator... Asks, "Did you feel that? I felt a rumble."
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(continued from previous page)
“I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.”
scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie.
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• Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks • Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site & more! 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com "We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M. Hutchins glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and Face, but preface, not spikey? efface. Won't it make you Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, lose your wits, Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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We’re in the business and know you need your plow unit fixed fast!!
Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.
May Your Landings Always Be Smooth
Finally, which rhymes with enough -Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!! ~ Charivarius (G. Nolst Trenité)
“Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.”
“To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.”
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“Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?”
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Gift Taking
“My wife took up gardening. All she grew was tired.”
When our grandson Thomas was 5 years old, his Grandpa thought it would be a good idea to give him a carpenter's set for Christmas. Grandpa finally found a nice carpenter's set that included a hammer, screwdriver, etc. but there was no handsaw. Undaunted, Grandpa bought a small hacksaw to include with the gift. A couple of months after Christmas, Grandpa phoned grandson Thomas. He said, "Thomas, how are you enjoying your carpenter's set?" There was a very long pause at the other end of the line. Then he heard Thomas holler, "Daaaaaaad! When do I get my saw back?" The minister advised Uncle Andy to give some thought to the "hereafter." Uncle Andy told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind. At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, "What on earth am I hereafter?!" Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A: A little plaque Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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“If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.”
“Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned for 3 Generations
Lounge • Dining Room • Private Function Rooms
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Coming soon… Re-opening of
Captain Don’s Loft
expires 2/28/11 Limit 1 coupon per order
Open at 4pm
on Monday, February 14th for Valentine’s Day. Call for your reservation!
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com
Babysitting
“If you canʼt stand the heat, better make plans to avoid it.”
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
dition a r T e n i a AM unt On! o C n a C u Yo Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling. "The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully. The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS Served from 10:30-3:30 Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp
Did you know you can order Cole Farms to go? Try it sometime and there’s a good chance I’m the smiling face you’ll see working takeout!
Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich
DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . .$9.25 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls
Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . .$7.95 We kept the same girl for the next two years.
w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls
Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie .$6.95 w/Potato & Rolls
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young man from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "Sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Kerry Maguire of New Gloucester
Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM
Thursday New England Boiled Dinner . .$9.25 w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls
Friday - Lasagna . . . . . . . . . .$8.95 w/Salad & Rolls
Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . .$8.95 w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls
Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock
BREAKFAST BUFFET
Adults .............$6.75 6 & under .......$3.75
SATURDAY & SUNDAY
Now open from 7am-11am
Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE
"I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume," the warden consented.
How do you share 355 cherries among 113 people? Make cherry pi. (355/113 = 3.14)
There’s been many award winning fish caught with our bait.
Security Blanket My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
I buy all my bait at Tailfeathers!
Award winning Togue 18 lbs. & 38” long
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"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?" A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?
See their ad on page 69
Out & About at the Sebago Lakes Chamber’s annual meeting
"And this is my pole," he said.
Bus Pole While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
ut our Check o ebsite: all new w
I think it’s a Custom to hang your Shingle out there for everyone to see. It’s still a Sign of the times even after all these years...
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892-6894 “Birds of a feather flock together and aim for your car.”
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Allan Phinney, 2011 Chamber President Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Why Men Are Just Happier People
“Pick your friends, but not to pieces.”
Submitted by Beth Francis
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
indham •
Located
orth W . 115 in N
0
892-822
on Rt
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
Never use wet wood in your fireplace. You should always let weeping logs dry.
Out & About at Sebago Lakes Chamber’s annual meeting
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. (continued on next page)
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2010 Award winners: Rachel & Allan Phinney, Volunteers of the Year; Executive Director's Award recipient, Phil Doucette; Community Service Leadership Award recipient Steve McFarland; Business Person of the Year, Christine Clark Williams. Far left: Outgoing chamber president, Laurie Noel; Far right: Barbara Clark, chamber executive director
“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers
“Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store.”
(continued from previous page)
ICE FISHING HEADQUARTERS!
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Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.
Talk to the pros at Tailfeathers Upland Store! The outdoor sportsman’s favorite toy store!!
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes of one color for all seasons.
1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030 Mon-Fri 6am-6pm; Sat & Sun 6am-3pm Microchips: what's left at the bottom of the bag when it reaches you.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
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Bring your Sweetie to Thatcher’s!
Doctor in the House A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on.
Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"
"There are no traffic jams when you go the extra mile." – Zig Ziglar
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm
Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners
&T Jimbo
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IT’S NOT TOO EARLY TO BOOK YOUR SUMMER FUNCTIONS! No catering job too small or too big! Weddings
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“A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.”
Out & About at the Sebago Lakes Chamber’s annual meeting
We Can Save You Money! Come see us to refinance your auto loan Clip this ad for a special rate!*
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Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
Out & About at a recent Business Break for the Sebago Lakes Chamber
We all have those clumsy moments
Bear Bonz BBQ in Naples NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: No More Wrinkles Barbie
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Sir Lancelot dreamed about overthrowing King Arthur. It was a midslumber knight's scheme.
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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The Kingʼs Highway
Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. – Arnold Palmer
Submitted by Maggie Joyce
Once a king had a great highway built for the members of his kingdom. After it was completed, but before it was opened to the public, the king decided to have a contest. He invited as many as desired to participate. Their challenge was to see who could travel the highway the best. On the day of the contest the people came. Some of them had fine chariots, some had fine clothing, fine hairdos, or great food. Some young men came in their track clothes and ran along the highway. People traveled the highway all day, but each one, when he arrived at the end, complained to the king that there was a large pile of rocks and debris left on the road at one spot and this got in their way and hindered their travel.
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The only vehicle legally allowed to pass a funeral procession is a government owned vehicle: a mail truck.
At the end of the day, a lone traveler crossed the finish line warily and walked over to the king. He was tired and dirty, but he addressed the king with great respect and handed him a bag of gold. he explained, "I stopped along the way to clear a pile of rocks and debris that was blocking the road. This bag of (continued on next page)
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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
(continued from previous page)
"We are fishers of men, not keepers of the aquarium."
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www.esmpellets.com "He who does not know how to look back at where he came from will never get to his destination." – Jose Rizal
gold was under it all. I want you to return it to its rightful owner." The king replied, "You are the rightful owner." The traveler replied, "Oh no, this is not mine. I've never known such money." "Oh yes," said the king, "you've earned this gold, for you won my contest. He who travels the road best is he who makes the road smoother for those who will follow." – Author Unknown
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yakking). Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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The Millau Viaduct bridge in France is 1125 feet high with 885 feet below the bridge to the ground. The Cable-stayed bridge was built in 2004 in Millau France.
The weight of a carat (200 milligrams), standard unit of measurement for gemstones, was once based on the weight of the carob seed.
“Watches and clocks are always displayed and sold on a time table.”
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541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029 A dad took his 4 yearold son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way, the dad reassured the boy that he would not be getting a shot. After the routine exam, a nurse began asking the regular questions. When she asked, “Is he allergic to anything?,” the boy stood up and said, “Yes, Iʼm allergic to shots!” From the Catholic Digest Submitted anonymously
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797
Spoil your significant other this Valentine’s Day! Don't fix the blame - fix the problem.
Sweet Pea Designs Flower Shoppe
777-1520 Valentine’s Day is Monday, February 14th
FREE Delivery in L/A Check out our booth Sunday, Feb. 20th at the Ramada Inn Bridal Show in Lewiston "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."
It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life. – Elizabeth Kenny
Ray The Electrician LLC RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL “My Prices Won’t Shock You”
Office: 225-3360 • Cell: 576-6643 rayele@roadrunner.com
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We answer any emergency call 24 hours a day / 7 days a week Licensed in Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts and Vermont Financing Available • Some Restrictions Apply "Let us put our minds together and see what life we can make for our children." – Sitting Bull
Bait Tasting Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm." "No, she isn't," said Johnny. "How do you know she's not?" said the mother. "Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
Casket Comment A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. Mrs. Vernon piped in, "The nut has gone to heaven." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Craig's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all turned in, the teacher called one of the youngsters up to her desk and scolded him. "This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?" He replies, "No Ma'am. It's about the same dog."
Banking Bailout
Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping! Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More! VISIT
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The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily
Large Selection of Fenton Glassware!
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"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." Featuring
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week
8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards
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960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store
Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area! "When we die we leave behind us all that we have, and take with us all that we are."
Two things hard on the heart: running up stairs and running down people.
CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!
We Buy, Sell & Trade Full Line Gun Smith Service Buying small & large firearm collections Check us out!
J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager
Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat
John Reid, Owner
Eyedentical TWINS
Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet? Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it. A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
Dry Cleaning
The Perfect Place to Dine anytime of the day! Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm
EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!
784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn
“Kindness is the oil that reduces the friction of life.”
A Frenchman, Jolly Belin, accidentally spilled some kerosene on a stained garment and discovered that the kerosene removed the stain. This led to a series of experiments to refine the process. Later, Belin opened the first dry cleaning establishment in Paris. Angels may not dress the part, With robes and wings that soar, Often angels come as friends Knocking at your door. – Unknown Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Yesterday Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version. Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. "Although there may be nothing new under the sun, what is old is new to us and so rich and astonishing that we never tire of it. If we do tire of it, if we lose our curiosity, we have lost something of infinite value, because to a high degree it is curiosity that gives meaning and savor to life." -- Robertson Davies
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"Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them." – Napoleon Bonaparte
Is Snow In Your Way? Driveway a little too tight? Snowbanks crowding your parking lot? Call us today and we will haul it away! Loaders and trucks are working around the clock and are in town during each snowfall.
Call for your FREE ESTIMATE Fully Insured
Est. 1945
782-3617
1331 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • lppoirier@myfairpoint.net Without self-discipline, success is impossible, period. – Lou Holtz
CAMBRIA
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21 New Quartz Colors have arrived. Now offering 84 colors for the same price. Family Owned & Operated
786-5556 786-5556 995 Center Street, Auburn
995 Center Street, Auburn
Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm
www.granitemarblecountertops.net www.granitemarblecountertops.net "There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." – Johann Sebastian Bach
BUILDING FOR SALE
"The last three or four reps is what makes the muscle grow. This area of pain divides the champion from someone else who is not a champion. That's what most people lack, having the guts to go on and just say they'll go through the pain no matter what happens." – Arnold Schwarzenegger Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
24’ x 56’ Office Trailer with bathroom
Priced to sell at $9,995
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them. "A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences."
(was $15,000) READY TO MOVE!
Call 754-1608 $1,000 delivery to Auburn
– Dave Meurer
Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities
Service Rental Sales
Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
Just Hanging Out!
G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500
We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.
"It is not who is right, but what is right, that is important." – Thomas Henry Huxley
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Feeling The Squeeze Submitted by Jimbo Walking through a park, I passed a massive oak tree. A vine had grown up along its trunk. The vine started small--nothing to bother about. But over the years the vine had gotten taller and taller. By the time I passed, the entire lower half of the tree was covered by the vine's creepers. The mass of tiny feelers was so thick that the tree looked as though it had innumerable birds' nests in it.
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on. – Homer Simpson
Visit Ballou the Bear at Women's Health Associates 330 Sabattus Street in Lewiston
Now the tree was in danger. This huge, solid oak was quite literally being taken over; the life was being squeezed from it. But the gardeners in that park had seen the danger. They had taken a saw and severed the trunk of the vine--one neat cut across the middle. The tangled mass of the vine's branches still clung to the oak, but the vine was now dead. That would gradually become plain as weeks passed and the creepers began to die and fall away from the tree. How easy it is for sin, which begins so small and seemingly insignificant, to grow until it has a strangling grip on our lives. And yet, Christ's death has cut the power of sin. Yes, the "creepers" of sin still cling and have some effect. But sin's power is severed by Christ, and gradually, sin's grip dries up and falls away. ~ By J. Alistair Brown
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Stop by the waiting room at Women's Health Associates, a division of St. Maryʼs Hospital and introduce yourself to their newest team member, Ballou the Bear. Pictured here are Balou's friends Brittney Allee and Meagan Marcoux.
The most called-upon prerequisite of a friend is an accessible ear. – Maya Angelou
There is no better investment than a new kitchen or bath!
r t a u x o r e y f u nd wisely… e s U
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• Hardwood • Laminates • Ceramic Tile • Carpet Rems • Vinyl Rems Bound Rugs & Runners
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The Goodbye Kiss Author Unknown The Board Meeting had come to an end. Bob started to stand up and jostled the table, spilling his coffee over his notes. "How embarrassing. I am getting so clumsy in my old age." Everyone had a good laugh, and soon we were all telling stories of our most embarrassing moments.
"It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked." – Kahil Gibran
116 Crowley Rd. Lewiston
It came around to Frank who sat quietly listening to the others. Someone said, "Come on, Frank. Tell us your most embarrassing moment." Frank laughed and began to tell us of his childhood. "I grew up in San Pedro. My Dad was a fisherman, and he loved the sea. He had his own boat, but it was hard making a living on the sea. He worked hard and would stay out until he caught enough to feed the family. Not just enough for our family, but also for his Mom and Dad and the other kids that were still at home." He looked at us and said, "I wish you could have met my Dad. He was a big man, and he was strong from pulling the nets and fighting the seas for his catch. When you got close to him, he smelled like the ocean. He would wear his old canvas, foul-weather coat and his bibbed overalls. His rain hat would be pulled down over his brow. No matter how much my Mother washed them, they would still smell of the sea and of fish." Frank's voice dropped a
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"Every path has some puddles."
(continued from previous page)
"Everybody wants to save the earth; few want to help Mom do the dishes."
bit. "When the weather was bad he would drive me to school. He had this old truck that he used in his fishing business. That truck was older than he was. It would wheeze and rattle down the road. You could hear it coming for blocks. As he would drive toward the school, I would shrink down into the seat hoping to disappear. Half the time, he would slam to a stop and the old truck would belch a cloud of smoke. He would pull right up in front, and it seemed like everybody would be standing around and watching. Then he would lean over and give me a big kiss on the cheek and tell me to be a good boy. It was so embarrassing for me. Here, I was twelve years old, and my Dad would lean over and kiss me goodbye!"
“No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.”
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"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
He paused and then went on, "I remember the day I decided I was too old for a goodbye kiss. When we got to the school and came to a stop, he had his usual big smile. He started to lean toward me, but I put my hand up and said, 'No, Dad.' It was the first time I had ever talked to him that way, and he had this surprised look on his face." I said, "Dad, I'm too old for a goodbye kiss. I'm too old for any kind of kiss." "My Dad looked at me for the longest time, and his eyes started to tear up. I had never seen him cry. He turned and looked out the windshield." "You're right," he said. (continued on next page)
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(continued from previous page)
"You are a big boy....a man. I won't kiss you anymore." Frank got a funny look on his face, and the tears began to well up in his eyes, as he spoke. "It wasn't long after that when my Dad went to sea and never came back. It was a day when most of the fleet stayed in, but not Dad. He had a big family to feed. They found his boat adrift with its nets half in and half out. He must have gotten into a gale and was trying to save the nets and the floats." I looked at Frank and saw that tears were running down his cheeks. Frank spoke again. "Guys, you don't know what I would give to have my Dad give me just one more kiss on the cheek....to feel his rough old face.... to smell the ocean on him....to feel his arm around my neck. I wish I had been a man then. If I had been a man, I would never have told my Dad I was too old for a goodbye kiss." I don't know about the rest of the guys, but I wanted more than anything to put my arms around my Dad and let him know just how special he was to me.
"To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing."
Look your best on Valentine’s Day or that February vacation you’re taking! 600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn
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WE’VE GOT HANDGUNS! HUGE SELECTION! FREE Bottle of Pepper Spray with any handgun purchase! Just a small sample of our inventory
Call Matt, Drew or Chris at
Rt. 4 • Turner, ME
225-3432
Just past Twitchell’s Airport
Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210
g3firearms@megalink.net
It is so easy to forget to tell people how important they are to us, especially our parents. If you still have your dad (or Mom) around, then go and see him. Tell him how much you love and appreciate him. And if you can, put your arms around him, give him a kiss on the cheek, and let him know just how important he is to you. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box." – Italian proverb
"90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at."
Artist's Sketch
RN’s
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
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Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston
783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.
"Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others." - Groucho Marx
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you canʼt be president?"
In 1814, Fort McHenry was successfully defended against a bombing by English ships. This act inspired Francis Scott Key to write the Star Spangled Banner. It became well known as a patriotic song to the tune of a popular English drinking song, To Anacreon in Heaven. Although the song has four verses, only the first is commonly sung today. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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In 2000, Slovenian skier Davo Karnicar became the first person to ski non-stop down the world's highest mountain, Mount Everest. It was his second attempt to ski the mountain. During his first attempt, he lost two fingers to frostbite. "In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds." – Aristotle My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female coworker fiddled with the intercom. She asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."
Find us & like us on FACEBOOK Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session." – Mark Twain (1866)
Auburn Exchange Club’s 35th Annual Twin Cities
GUN SHOW SAT. MARCH 26th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 27th 9-3 at the
Lewiston Armory Central Ave., Lewiston
Dealers from throughout d New Englan
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS
Admission: Adults: $7 Children under 12: Free with adult "Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." – Winston Churchill
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated." - Johnny Carson
Making the Grade One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus. The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow."
NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A! Towels, Tissues & Dispensers
Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners
Chemicals & Cleaners
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The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."
My daughter is an electrical officer on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She answered, "To fix electrical problems."
Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
Packaging
120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com "If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!"
When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier, she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Free Home Sellers Workshop Offered
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Thursday, February 17th 6:30 – 8pm at 336 Center Street (Harvard Mall) in Auburn “I’ve found over the years that my clients, and in fact most home sellers, are looking for a simple, convenient way to learn about the selling process. By providing this information, I’ve found a way to empower homeowners to sell their homes faster, smarter and easier,” says Fontaine. “Every market is different and every home is unique and therefore requires a customized approach to get a home sold for top dollar fast! It’s important to find out what you can do to get the most money for your house sale in today’s market.” Brenda Fontaine is the Broker/Owner of Fontaine Family – The Real Estate Leader and has 28 years of experience. She is a member of the Top 5 National Referral Network. Some topics explored in this 90 minute workshop include: • The four secrets every home seller should know about how they can shorten the sale cycle and increase their sales price. • How to improve your home’s value without spending a dime. • The secrets to being the first house sold in any market. • How to avoid the biggest mistake you can make in pricing your home. • What you can do to help your agent get your house sold. The workshop is free, but pre-registration is required to attend. Contact Brenda Fontaine at 784-3800 or by e-mail at Brenda@fontaineteam.com.
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"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
LOOKING TO PURCHASE OR REFINANCE?
Look No Further! Conventional H FHA H VA H MSHA H RD A local lender you can trust! Make Debbie Bodwell your first call in
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him hard on the head. The magician then puts his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him. Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in hospital and goes "Taa-Daa!" "The Eskimos had fiftytwo names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love." -- Margaret Atwood
Interesting Fact
777.1551 Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336
Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 181 Center St., Auburn www.rmsmortgage.com dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com
This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537
"He that but looketh on a plate of ham and egg to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart."
In 1513, Vasco Nunez de Balboa, a Spanish explorer, became the first European to see the Pacific Ocean from the Americas. He had crossed the Isthmus of Panama to make the discovery and he named it Mar del Sur (South Sea). Trivia fans: The Pacific Ocean is the world's largest body of water. It encompasses a third of the Earth's surface, having an area of 69.4 million square miles, significantly larger than Earth's entire landmass, with room for another Africa to spare! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Weird wedding tradition - Scotsmen once kidnapped their future brides and the one who excelled at the abduction was given the title of best man. A term that is still very much in use today. Waiting on the wedding bells - Minnie Munro from Australia is the oldest bride to marry. She was a mere 102 years when she married her boyfriend of 82 years. In Irish tradition the Shamrock or 3-leaf Clover represents the Holy Trinity: one leaf for the Father, one for the Son and one for the Holy Spirit. When a Shamrock is found with the fourth leaf, it represents God's Grace. St. Patrick is known as the patron saint of Ireland. True, he was not a born Irish. But he has become an integral part of the Irish heritage, mostly through his service across Ireland of the 5th century.
"One piece of chocolate contains just enough energy to enable you to reach for one more piece."
Hot Air & Boiler Cleaning Special Includes:
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If you haven’t had your heating system cleaned in the past 12 months this is what it may be costing you… 15% efficiency loss of 1000 gallons of heating oil at $3.28/gal (.15%x1000/gals.x$3.28/gal.=$492.00) or pay $149.95 and help yourself!
Meeting your needs in Air Conditioning, Ventilation, Heat and Refrigeration. Owner Al Hamel • Lewiston, ME 782-6336 • www.alshvac-r.com Email: alshvac@gwi.net
Specialists for installing Rinnai Monitor Heaters LP, Natural Gas & K-1
"A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police."
Plan Your Spring Projects Now! Commercial/Residential Hardscaping STILL OFFERING SNOW REMOVAL SERVICES
NEW Barbie Dolls Aging Gracefully: Bifocals Barbie
Retaining Walls • Walkways & Steps • Brick Patios • Specialty Stonework • FULLY Granite Curbing • INSURED Foundations • FREE House Lots • ESTIMATES Excavation • And more! •
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
36 Howes Corner Road, Turner • 344-5814 • donerighthardscape@yahoo.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
"It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
& Jimbo
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Shawn Brown Project Manager 740-0560
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?" – Robert Orben Call us at 655-4635, or visit our website at www.downeastsharpening.com or stop in at 7 Main St. in Raymond. You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.
Not only do we offer a complete sharpening service, we do small engine repair. We also sell new outdoor power equipment
Judy & Glen Gisel Downeast Sharpening in Raymond
Eligible for up to $1,500 Federal tax rebate
WOOD & PELLET STOVES
ON SALE NOW If you’re considering a new kitchen, you definitely want to talk to my daddy at Sherm Arnold’s. He’ll hook you up! You can find him right on page 81.
1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4
FOUR SEASON SERVICE
Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel
7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond
DOLMAR
shindaiwa
655-4635
www.downeastsharpening.com
Enjoy a wonderful meal here with your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day Lunch & Dinner Open 7 Days a Week
PEDRO O’ Hara’s
Corinne Rose Lebel Daughter of Todd and Ashley Lebel "Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
Irish • Mexican • American 134 Main Street, Lewiston
783-6200 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody." – Ambrose Bierce
Winter’s HERE! Get it GONE NOW!! • Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away… • We bust our butts so you don’t have to! Winter is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those wingnuts down at the Internal Revenue Service."
Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!! Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed
Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Born Angelo Siciliano, Charles Atlas was the developer of a bodybuilding and exercise program. He trained himself to develop his body from that of a "scrawny weakling," eventually becoming the most popular muscleman of his day. He took the name "Charles Atlas" after a friend told him he resembled the statue of Atlas on top of a hotel in Coney Island and legally changed his name in 1922.
Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs
Farrell Enterprises
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, itʼs biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: presson nails. "Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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Over 65? Ask about senior discounts.
Fully Insured
782-5300 or 576-2501
CALL US FOR A FREE QUOTE!
“Nearly every man is a firm believer in heredity until his son makes a fool of himself.”
"Art is the act of navigating without a map." – Seth Godin
STILL LOOKING FOR ME? CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. • Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes
JASON HALL
• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems
922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)
2nd Annual King of the Wing Contest! Sign-up now!! Round 1 Feb. 16th at 7pm • Finals Feb. 23rd at 7pm Thursday - Saturdays Live entertainment
Tuesdays & Wednesdays $1.50 domestic drafts
Irish Twins Pub
Game Stopper As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close
743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s)
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413
"Have more than thou showest, speak less than thou knowest." – William Shakespeare
The Philadelphia Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin on December 13, 1978, but the coins didn't go into circulation until July, 1979. The Susan B. Anthony dollar, the first coin to honor a woman, was not a hit with the public for several reasons, most importantly because it was often mistaken for a quarter, which was about an eighth of an inch smaller in diameter. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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Released in 1937, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" was the first full-length animated cartoon with color and sound. Trivia buffs: The dwarfs' names were chosen from a pool of about fifty potentials, including Jumpy, Deafy, Dizzey, Hickey, Wheezy, Baldy, Gabby, Nifty, Sniffy, Swift, Lazy, Puffy, Stuffy, Tubby, Shorty and Burpy.
You need a new car when . . . You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
"This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live." You need a new car when . . . You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
– Omar Bradley
OUT ʼN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE Good day loyal digesters! Here we are it’s already round 2 of 2011. It is difficult for me to grasp that we nearly through 1/6th of 2011 already. I am still writing 2010 on everything that contains a date line and will until most likely sometime near the end of April. We know you have done it possibly in the privacy of your home or maybe at that little table at the bank. You know the one with withdrawal slips strewn all over, a calculator, which probably was purchased for .99 cents, velcroed down to deter theft and, ya my favorite, the fully stocked stack of deposit slips. Who the heck has money to put in the bank? If you have some extra laying around then please share it with me! Promptly call up Uncle Andy’s Digest and tell them you would like to share your money with Miami Mike. I need a few extra bucks to indulge in the winter activities here. Wait, wait a minute I live in Miami where the weather is either hot with a chance of showers or really hot with definite showers. My activities are the same year round. Ok so here is plan B. Take the extra money and on my behalf slide over to Lost Valley and log a bit of time on the slopes. Don’t go down Bull Moose your first run, trust me I have had one too many yard sales on that trail my first run down the mountain… stick to Big Buck because at least if you have a massive wipeout everyone in the lodge will be able to see it and you may become an overnight YouTube sensation! Then once you are sore from the split you pulled bombing down Alpine East, maybe for some of you Squirrel Run, check out Ames Sports Shop. You can pick up a snazzy looking Arctic Cat Snowmobile. They are not only fun to ride but unlike a wave runner in the summer, you can still look like a stud atop your mean Arctic Cat machine with that beer belly you said you were going to work on getting rid of this new year concealed behind a wall of Gortex. Please, for me your Miami Mike, get out and enjoy the winter weather and the beautiful Maine outdoors! Until next month Uncle Andy’s Digest Nation “May the Digest be with you” Literally bring one with you everywhere, ask for it everywhere. UAD really is the best thing since sliced bread!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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You need a new car when . . . You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
You need a new car when . . . The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means 800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn
Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). SHOP LOCAL USE OUR ADVERTISERS!
You need a new car when . . . The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
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FABULOUS FEBRUARY SPECIAL
You need a new car when . . . You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
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867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033
CARS
VOLKSWAGENS 5 Jettas 2004-2007 Manuals & Automatics All under 100K
SAAB
$8,990
‘06 9-5 3 9-3’s ‘02-’07 From
$8,990
DODGE
From
From
$7,990
Auto or Manual, 70K From
$10,990
SUV’S
& Wellness Center 81 Manley Road, Auburn
784-8900
2005 CR-V Special Edition Model Auto, 4x4
JEEPS ‘06 Commander 81K, 7-Passenger
$12,990 ‘05 Grand Cherokee Laredo, 88K
$12,990
3 Liberty’s, ‘04-’06
Mon.-Sat. 9:30am-8pm Sun. 12:30-5:30pm
From $8,990
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From
$7,790
4x4, Autos
‘06 S40 2.4i, 79K . . .$11,990 ‘06 S60 2.5T AWD . .$11,990 ‘04 C70 HPT . . . . . . . .$8,990
TRUCKS
HONDA
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
Manual & Automatic
$8,490 CHRYSLER 2 PT Cruisers 2005 & 2006 Limited & Convertible Versions From $7,990 NISSAN ‘07 Versa Hatchback SCIONS VOLVO $6,990 2 ‘08 TC’s $8,490 $10,490
Tanning Salon
2 Passats ‘02 & ‘04
2 Calibers 2007
‘04 Maxima
Hot Stuff
$9,990
Auto or 5-Speed, 32MPG
DY’S UNCLE AN L SPECIA
For Those Who Like it HOT!
‘06 New Beetle
5-Speed, Convertible
$13,990
CHEVY 2004 Avalanche $13,490
CHEVY
2004 GM Sierra 2500
‘05 Trailblazer EXT LS Tahoe Z71
2005 Silverado 1500 4x4
$8,990
$14,990
OTHER ‘07 Ford Escape Tow Pkg .$11,990 ‘06 Nissan Xterra . .$13,990 ‘04 Dodge Durango .$10,990
$13,990
$13,990 FORDS
2003 Explorer Sport Trac
$11,490
2005 Ranger EDGE
$11,990
“Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?”