UAD February 2012

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

The Most Unusual Digest in America

YOU’RE GOING TO

FREE FEBRUARY 2012

WORKING WITH US!

Fixed Rate Loans • Conventional • FHA • VA MSHA • RD • Purchases • Refinancing Debbie Bodwell Bodwell, Debbie

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc.

Vice VicePresident President NMLS# 280336 NMLS# 280336

777.1551 181 Center St., Auburn • www.rmsmortgage.com • dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions.

Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

Armandsab@aol.com

Shown: One-of-a-kind Watermelon Tourmaline

Maine Gemstone Headquarters Always buying Gold, Silver & Coins!

138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

WE HAVE OPENINGS! We’d love to have you as a patient.

Call today for an appointment for all your preventative and cosmetic dentistry needs!

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES

27 Millett Drive, Auburn • 784-1577 TaylorBrookDental.com • We accept most insurances

Country Puddle

Did you know that banging your head up against a brick walls burns 150 calories per hour? (Ask Jimbo, heʼs tried it!)

Submitted by Jimbo

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

Kitchen SALE • New 10' x 10' Kitchen • Maximum 12 Cabinets (no particle board) • Choose from 4 different door styles

Out the door!

• FREE post form laminate counter top

30 laminate colors to choose from!

Exclusive Dealer of y o e u r s tax r U efund wisely…

Flooring SALE Large Selection of In-Stock Carpets

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

plus • Hardwood • Laminates • Ceramic Tile • Carpet Rems • Vinyl Rems Bound Rugs & Runners

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll...

$1895

20,000 sq. ft. of In-store Tile starting at 79¢ sq. ft.

shrmarnold@megalink.net

Hours: Monday 8-7pm Tues - Fri. 8-5pm Sat. 9-2pm

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831

Submitted by Shannon Wilson

www.shermarnolds.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

St Peterʼs Square - I know he is.

& Jimbo

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MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

Humpty was pushed. Mona Lisa was framed.

FEBRUARY 2012 Saturday, Feb 4th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper 4pm – 6:30pm (Chapter 10589) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston $5.50 Member $7 Guest Thursday, Feb 9th Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant 11:30am – 1pm (Chapter 12907) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member $5 Guest Wednesday, Feb 15th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member $8.50 Guest Tuesday, Feb 21st Dairy Queen 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 8609) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn $4 Member $4.50 Guest Sunday, Feb 25th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 12749) Lewiston/Auburn $4 Member $5 Guest Tuesday Feb 28th Center St Café 7am – 10am (Chapter 14437) 945 Center St. Auburn $4 Member $4.50 Guest Wednesday, Feb 29th Shanerʼs Restaurant 11:30am- 1pm (Chapter 10929) Main St, So. Paris $5 Member $5.50 Guest Saturday, March 3rd Boston Bruins vs Islanders 7am Bus Leaves Exit 80 $100 per Tix 800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED

Please Note: Prices, Dates and Menu Are Subject To Change. If Additional Info Is Needed, Please Call Our Office, Please Do Not Call Restaurants. All Activities Can Only Be Attended At The Times Listed.

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com February 2012 Staff JIMBO Dreaming of Racquetball

TRAVIS Dreaming of Babies

UNCLE ANDY

TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGERS: Never give me work in the morning.

Always wait until 4pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Dreaming of Skiing

MAGGIE Dreaming of Retirement

Joe & Mike Adkins

TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGERS: If you give me more than one job, donʼt tell me which has priority - Iʼm psychic!

MARTY Dreaming of Golf

ANGIE Dreaming of Love

BURLESQUE CHAIR AEROBICS Calling all ladies 18+ only!

No matter your age, your size or your fitness ability...

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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YOU CAN BE SEXY! With SPRQ Burlesque Chair Aerobics, we help you remember exactly that!

A NEW session (5 weeks) begins every 7 weeks.

Beginner to Advanced with original choreographies Full = 2.5 - 3 minute song; Teazer = 1.5 - 2 minute song

Also offering Zumba, KettleBells, Tabata & Yoga/Pilates

20 Main Street, Sabattus (2nd floor) 754-9411 • www.SPRQstudio.com

I'm leaving my body to science fiction. – Uncle Andy

Thomas Jefferson invented the dumbwaiter.

Four Waiting Fathers Submitted by Jimbo

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. – T.S. Eliot

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Because I Said So!

There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.

THANK YOU Thank You Y Members & Community Donors for raising $79,000 in our Annual Fund Campaign to support the Y’s Scholarship Program.

Emily Newburn LMSW-cc Therapist “Because I said So!” Do you have difficulty getting your children to listen? Often parents find themselves resorting to behaviors that they do not like, such as yelling, to get their children to listen and follow through with requests. Changing parenting styles can be hard, but it is possible! Below are some ideas to improve cooperation at home.

Set clear, reasonable expectations (i.e. Child will help set the table for dinner), and make sure your child is aware of what your expectations are. Many times parents have a list of rules in their head, but the children don’t always know what the rules are.

Praise any and all attempts towards meeting the expectation (i.e. tonight you only had to ask your child 1x to help set the table). Children love positive attention, so make sure to give lots of praise, even if it is a small improvement.

Reward positive behavior (i.e.

If your child sets the table 3x a week without asking, he/she gets to stay up an extra 15 minutes). Rewards don’t have to be big or cost money. Even small changes in routine can make a big difference.

Be consistent and follow through with expectations and rewards. Consistency is key!

Emily Newburn, LMSW-cc Therapist, Health Affiliates Maine. 1-877-888-4304

YOUTH SWIM LESSONS Session (4): February 27th thru April 22nd.

Member Registration 2/6/12; Open Registration 2/13/12. Registration Closes 2/25/12.

BASEBALL & SOFTBALL HITTING INSTRUCTION March 5th thru April 13th. Member Registration 2/13/12; Open Registration 2/20/12.

SUMMER CAMP Y Kids Camp (Ages 5-8) Camp Connor (Grades 1-8) Teen Leaders Camp (Grades 9&10) It’s not too early to think about what your kids will be doing this summer.

Call the Y F.M.I.

CORPORATE CHALLENGE SERIES Is a year-long series of events that pits companies against each other in different competitions to achieve 3 goals: • Improve employee relationships • Improve employee well-being • Support your local YMCA and community.

The schedule of events offers something that will appeal to everyone, from the already fit to the wanting to get active. FMI contact Chris Reed 795-4095 or creed@alymca.org

Next to County Building, Auburn www.alymca.org • 795-4095

See their ad on page 67.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

Uncle Andy has been working hard, 24 / 7.

Twenty-four hours a week, seven months a year.

Out ’n About at Payroll Management in Auburn We asked, “How long have you been here?”

Forever!

Gary Hemenway 14 years!

Laural Grant 20 years!

Greg Forsythe I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Payroll Management in Auburn

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

We asked, “How long have you been here?”

Almost forever!

Joyce Higgins My famous first year!

Penny Braley 5 years!

Linda Bellmore Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGERS: Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I have no life beyond work.

Spring Wedding

Catering

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!

Professional service at an affordable price

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place

Catering Division • 345-9009 • www.dadsplace.info

TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGERS: Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goal should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating and cost of living increase. I am not here for the money.

FRESH HOT PIZZA! Subs • Sandwiches Wraps • Burgers Italians • Daily Specials Breakfast items Cold beer Agency Liquor Store and so much more!

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.dadsplace.info

FREE 2 Liter soda with purchase of any large one-topping pizza

Must present coupon Cannot be combined with any other offers UAD

$

Expires 2.29.12

2 OFF

any large one-topping pizza

Must present coupon Cannot be combined with any other offers UAD

Let-down lines... HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

Expires 2.29.12

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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New Auburn Business District

Art is…

Inspiring

Make your heart healthy...

Contact me!! mindyfortin.bodybyvi.com and learn how you can lose weight, build lean muscle, gain energy... and how you can do it for FREE!

Studio and Gallery www.wickedillustrations.com • 576-3743

The Potty

Let-down lines... HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out.

Submitted by Glen Gisel

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading Uncle Andyʼs Digest.

But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the Digest down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right?

You've been in here for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."

Mother says, "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for the Ketchup."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Commercial Lots Parking Lots Residential

When it’s snowing, we’re going!

We also offer plowing, sanding & salting

www.affordableplowingservices.com Let-down lines... HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

TROP ICAL HARMONY MONY Happy Valentine’s Day!

Marine Fish Coral Supplies All your salt water tank needs right here!

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372 Let-down lines... HE: Your body is like a temple.

SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

New Auburn Business District ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

NO PROBLEM!

Call us today!

• Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $55/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 333-0364

Brad Johnson

Roller Skating = Family Fun Winter Schedule Thursday Night

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

All Skating 7:30 - 9:30 - 10:30

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Submitted by Jimbo

For our first New Year's together as a married couple, my wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie, cheesecake or orangedate cake.

"Pumpkin pie," I requested.

"We've been eating pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving," Nancy protested. "Can't you choose something else?"

"Okay," I replied, "how about cheesecake?"

Reserve your Birthday Party NOW!

Making a face, Nancy said, "After all that rich food you ate over Christmas, surely you don't want cheesecake."

Recognizing my limited options, I then selected orange-date cake.

Find us on Facebook Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

Newlywed Compromise

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 • www.rollodrome.com

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

"Oh, I'm glad you chose that one," Nancy said. "Orange-date cake is a New Year's tradition in our family."

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Let-down lines... HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE: Do not enter.

Please use our advertisers!

Let ‘em know you saw ‘em here!!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Walking the Dog Submitted by Jimbo

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

New Auburn Business District

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

We love it here! I especially love the crepés.

They’re just like my mémerés.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Ben Herlihy & Ashley Goulet

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Other February Holidays: Canadian Flag Day is February 15th.

NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A!

The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. True story.

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes

Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners

Chemicals & Cleaners

Breakroom & Food Service

Skin Care

Packaging

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012 783-7039

Other February Holidays: Dominican Republic Independence Day is February 27th.

New Auburn Business District • Tactical Weapons

L/A’s Newest Gun Shop

• Rifles & Shotguns • Hand Guns • Personal & Concealed carry guns • Ammo & Targets 32 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-6569

• Special Orders

Tues - Fri 9am - 5pm • Sat 9am - 2pm

Visitor A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there is a knock on the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the heck was that all about?"

Gipper’s Sports Grill Scholarship winners The Gipper’s scholarships are given annually to three students (one each from Lewiston, St. Dom’s and Edward Little) who have participated in an organized sport and excelled in the classroom. The $750 checks are awarded after completion of the students first semesters of college.

(l to r): Tom Fournier, Gipper's; Cody Dussault, Bowdoin College; Alex Parker, Bates College; Jennifer Rioux, Smith College; Mekae Hyde, Bates College & Dale Spugnardi, Gipper's

This year’s winners are: Alex Parker from St. Dom’s. Alex is attending Bates College. We have two winners from Lewiston this year, Cody Dussault who is attending Bowdoin College and Mekae Hyde who is attending Bates College.

Jennifer Rioux is our winner from E.L., Jennifer is attending Smith College.

Confucius say: He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Valentine’s Dinner Saturday, Feb. 11th

Prime Rib

$20 per couple

Officer’s’ Meeting Tue. Feb. 7th

New Auburn Social Club

7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039 DARTS & Pool Weekly Super Bowl Party • Sun. Feb. 5th • 5pm-closing

Other February Holidays: February is Library Loverʼs Month

Big Rock In 1905, the Cullinan diamond (3,106 carats!) was found by Thomas Evan Powell, a miner who worked in the Premier Diamond Mining Company in Cullinan, north of Pretoria, South Africa. It is the largest gem-quality diamond ever discovered. The stone was named after Sir Thomas Cullinan, the owner of the diamond mine.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at The World Submarine Racing Championships Held in Newfoundland, Canada

Other February Holidays: February is National Chocolate Loverʼs Month.

Mike Morin’s Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

VOTED BEST OF THE BEST 13 YEARS RUNNING

(Market Surveys of America)

OIL CHANGE

$21.95

Complete Vehicle Recon only $92.95 (most vehicles) In & Out = wash, wax, buff and buff headlights.

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

Confucius say: He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.

The Vet was stumped...

Well, what were you expecting to see?

P.S. We looked at all the photos, too.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Other February Holidays: February 3rd is Wear Red Day.

Antique Tents

PET & OWNER OF THE MONTH

Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally.

Sammy was one of the first clients at Doggone Fun when it opened last year. He still gets so excited when I turn into the driveway. The huge fenced-in yard is amazing as is the entire indoor facility.

Bruce, Lisa & their staff treat Sammy and all the other dogs like their own and we know they are well cared for. My husband Jim and I often tell people how pleased we are with Doggone Fun Doggy Daycare. We are fortunate to have such an awesome doggy daycare in Lewiston.

Joan Parker and her dog Sammy, a Chinese Crested Powderpuff

786-2794

Daycare & 24/7 Boarding Facility

528 Lincoln Street, Lewiston

www.DogGoneFunDoggyDayCare.com

Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"

NOT A NUMBERS PERSON? We Love Numbers!

From Financial Reporting to Quickbooks Consulting to Bookkeeping...

We can help you with crunching the numbers! Call us today!!

RCC Business Services, Inc. Financial & Advisory Services for Small Businesses 143 First Flight Drive, Auburn • 795-0663 • www.RCCmaine.com

Cyclops Teacher

Mention this ad and receive a

FREE SWEATSHIRT!

• Collision Repair • Rust Repair • General Body Work

320-2125

My granddaughter Ashley just started kindergarten the other day & she came home with the strangest tale I've heard in years.

FREE TOWING with all collision work

Seems like her school had a Cyclops for a teacher but he had to give up teaching as he only had one pupil.

Other February Holidays: February 9th is G. I. Joeʼs birthday in 1964.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

1887 Federal Road • Livermore, Maine

&T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Payroll Management in Auburn

Other February Holidays: February 21st is — Love Your Pet Day.

We asked, “How long have you been here?”

I’m pleading the 5th.

Teresa Hudson 5 years.

Just a newbie...

Ron Paradis 7 years!

Tiffany Fournier Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Other February Holidays: February 28th is National Tooth Fairy Day.

Today, 40% of the world's newspapers are printed on paper made from Canada's forests.

Discover the next level of wellness in your life.

Out ’n About at Payroll Management in Auburn We asked, “How long have you been here?”

Lucky 13!

Margaret Pelletier

VALENTINE’S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!

6 years!

Individual & Couples Massage Valentine’s Day Packages Include a box of Ella’s Gourmet Chocolates and a beautiful rose Join our Facebook page to learn more about our Ultimate Date Valentine’s Day Contest!

Marge Dickson I’m no kid in the cubby!

Online Booking

Hours: Mon.-Sat. 9am-9pm Sun. 12-4pm

376-3233 www.revelationmassage.com

Online Gift Certificates 600 Turner St. Auburn

Unknown people made the first glassware about 3,500 years ago in Mesopotamia.

Cindy Austin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Hard-Wired

Until the mid 1800s, paper was made from cotton rags.

Submitted by Glen Gisel

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Maine reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Ashland, Maine, Tut Tuttle, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Tut has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Maine had already gone wireless."

Walter Hunt patented a bullet with its own explosive charge on August 10, 1848.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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PARTS • SALES • SERVICE We are the area’s newest distributor for Fisher Plows.

We have a large selection of parts and entire plow assemblies. Whichever you decide, we are now under one roof and our service is second to none!

Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net Albert T. Marshall patented a household refrigerator on August 8, 1899.

Let-down lines... HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

Out ’n About at Payroll Management in Auburn We asked, “How long have you been here?”

21 years!

Off-site Audi & VW service available

2005 Dodge Ram 2500

$

11,995

HEMI, Factory Lift w/33’s, Gray

2007 Volkswagen Jetta

2005 Saab 9-2X

$

6,995

Gray, AWD

2004 Volkswagen Passat

Ann Fournier For a while...

$

10,495

2.0 Turbo, 6 Spd., Loaded, Leather

$

7,995

GLX, 2.8 Liter, All-Wheel Drive

Other Inventory 04 Audi A4, 1.8 Turbo, Blue, 6-Speed ..................................$8995 03 Audi A4, Black, 6-Speed.....................................................$6795 99 Audi 4, Black, Manual ........................................................$4495 02 BMW 325 xi, 111K, Silver, AWD .....................................$8495 04 Chevy Malibu Maxx LT, 91k, Loaded, Leather...............$7,495 07 Dodge Caliber, Sunburst ....................................................$7495 06 Ford F350, 5.4 L, Brown, With Plow.............................$14495 06 GMC Sierra 1500, 4.8 Liter, Pewter ............................$11,500 08 Nissan Frontier, V6, Black, 75K.....................................$16996 04 Saab 9-5, Turbo, Gray, 60K ..............................................$7995 04 Saab 95, 97K, Turbo, Silver ..............................................$7002 04 Saab 9-5, 250HP, Pewter, 111K......................................$6995 04 Saab 93, 87k, Loaded, Leather, Silver ............................$6995 03 Saab 9-5, Brown, 102K .....................................................$6495 99 Saab 9-5, Turbo, Midnight ................................................$3495 03 Subaru Forester, Silver.......................................................$6495 07 VW Jetta, Black,...................................................................$8995 06 VW Jetta GLI, Red, 6 Cyl., Turbo....................................$10500

05 VW Jetta Wagon, 134k, Auto, Blue, Turbo.....................$5495 04 VW Passat, 1.8 Turbo, Light Blue, 100K ........................$6995 04 VW Passat, Wagon, 1.8 Turbo, Indian ............................$6495 04 VW Passat, 1.8 Turbo, Gray..............................................$5995 03 VW Golf, Silver, 74K ...........................................................$6395 03 VW Golf, Blue.......................................................................$4995 03 VW Jetta, Silver....................................................................$6795 03 VW Jetta, 1.8 Turbo, Silver................................................$6495 03 VW Passat, Gray..................................................................$5995 03 VW Passat, 144k, Gray......................................................$4995 02 VW Passat, 86K, Silver ......................................................$6495 02 VW Jetta, Silver ...................................................................$5495 02 VW 2.0, Auto, 137k, As is.................................................$2,000 01 VW Passat, Turbo, Silver ...................................................$4995 99 VW Passat, White................................................................$3495 99 Volvo S70 T5, Turbo, Auto, Roof, Silver .........................$4000 26” Lexani wheels.....................................................................$1500 20” Chip Foos wheels, fit Audi or Mercedes........................$1000

1298 Sabattus Street www.independentauto.me Let-down lines... HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

Ann McAllister 6 years!

Sue Rosebaum Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Let-down lines... HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Foreign Car Service GOT HEAT?? FREE winter Checkup With Ad

VOLVOSPECIALIST.NET 140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300

STORAGE PROBLEM?

5´x10´ $25 10´x15´ $75 10´x10´ $50 10´x20´ $100

Mountain View Storage

Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery

Rt. 26, W. Paris (Just 4 miles north from Market Square) • 674-3212 or 333-9745

Quilters & Kni tters!

DAN BOYD

Check out our: • 2000+ bolts of contemporary quilt fabrics • Custom cut jelly rolls, layer cakes & charm packs • Lots of batiks, brights, polka dots & stripes • Huge selection of sock yarn & Maine yarns • Basketry supplies

I’ll pay you CASH for your antiques!

Support local business...

Use our advertisers!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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FEBRUARY 2012

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Antiques, House Attics, Basement Items, One Item or Entire Estates Complete Cleanouts Available Sports Items, Guns, Military Items

State & Federally Licensed

998-4083 or 754-1009

Hours: Mon-Fri 10 to 5; Sat 10 to 4; Tues ‘til 8

909 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-4486 Quilt-Essentials.com

Auction Company

Dan Boyd

Recycling makes sense, & dollars too!

Bebe’s Bottle Barn Redeem this coupon for

10%

more on your total return!*

*on 5¢ returnables • Expires 2.29.12 • limit 1 coupon per person

Route 202, Greene (behind Mower’s Market) • 946-5875

Let-down lines... HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

Let-down lines... HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

Some Amazing Signs...

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

MAZIE How can I help you today?

216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry 777-3339 Parking in back of building

www.soundeffectsmaine.com

TIME TO FIX THOSE WARNING LIGHTS! PUT YOUR TAX REFUND TO GOOD USE!

When you see this come on

$ Call

15 OFF

Hourly Service Rate with this coupon Expires 2.29.12

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net

Let-down lines... HE: So, what do you do for a living?

SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Out ’n About at Payroll Management in Auburn We asked, “How long have you been here?”

Uncle Andy, don’t you worry about how long I’ve been here.

I have the power to threaten your paycheck!*

Let-down lines... HE: Shall we go see a movie?

SHE: I've already seen it.

New ATV’s & Motorcycles at

BELOW DEALER INVOICE!!

2012 Honda Goldwing®

now

$

22,444

2011 Yamaha YZF-R1 998cc

MSRP $13,590

*Jimbo said he liked Debbie before. Now he considers her a true friend and will ask for her help to harass Uncle Andy every week!

2012 Honda CRF® 450R 4-Stroke

MSRP $23,800

Debbie Henderson

2011 Yamaha Stryker

now

$

11,248

2011 Honda Big Red

MSRP $11,240

$

now

9,081

2011 Honda Sabre 1312cc

MSRP $13,152

now

$

11,076

2012 Honda Fourtrax Foreman 4X4

MSRP $8,440

now

$

7,650

2011 Yamaha VStar 1300 Tourer

MSRP $11,990

now

$

10,635

2011 Polaris Sportsman® 800 EFI

Lucky 7! w/EPS

MSRP $12,299

now

$

11,110

MSRP $7,899

$

now

MSRP $9,278

7,250

now

$

7,735

2011 Yamaha Grizzly 450 2011 Yamaha Raptor 125 2011 Polaris Sportsman® w/EPS Big Boss® 6X6 800

There’s no advantage going with the alternative for your paychecks. Payroll Management is the best choice!

MSRP $7,799

now

$

6,817

MSRP $9,990

MSRP $3,399

now

$

2,938

now

$

8,650

Paul Morlock

Over 120 pre-owned motorcycles in stock

The Best Reasons to Be a Guy #8:

Many more units marked down

Wrinkles and gray hair add character to your face.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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FEBRUARY 2012

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845 Main Street, Lewiston • 689-2345 www.centralmainepowersports.com

www.centralmainepowersports.com

February Facts: The flower of this month is a violet or sometimes a primrose and the birthstone is amethyst (which represents sincerity).

President Andrew Johnson was impeached on February 24th, 1868.

First Meeting Submitted by Jimbo

2006 SUBARU OUTBACK 5 speed, 112k, heated seats, alloy wheels, 2-tone paint, power windows/doors. All serviced and ready to go!

Kelley Blue Book $12,625 Marc’s Price Only $9,950 COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?

John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.

1111 Center Street, Auburn

782-6515

ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY

AMES

SHARE OUR PASSION

SPORT SHOP 84 Littlefield Road Auburn

782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

Yvon’s Car Wash n’ Lube Tell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent you!

Tuesday: Seniors’ Day Wednesday: Ladies’ Day Thursday: Veterans’ Day Receive FREE

Automatic Car Wash

$

3 OFF

Basic Oil Change

$

5 OFF

Premium Oil Change

with Oil Change

698 Main Street • Lewiston • 777-3600 (Between ROOPER’s and BURGER KING) Hours: Mon-Fri: 8am - 5pm • Sat. 8am - 2pm

PURIM is celebrated on February 28th.

Limit one coupon per customer.

Expires 2/29/12

Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.

John: Not really.

Jill hated to give up bowling.

Can You Read This?

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

In 1996 Sammy Hagar of Van Halen led 1,000 music students in the world's largest guitar lesson at the Hard Rock Cafe in Universal City, California.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub in Lewiston

The tradition of women proposing to men on leap year day, dates all the way back to 5th century Ireland.

2012 CLEARANCE HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001 •

Proper attire is required to appear in Uncle Andy’s Digest.

My T-shirt does the trick...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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FEBRUARY 2012

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People born on leap yearʼs day are called leaplings.

The very first calendar that provided for leap year was introduced in 238 B.C.

By King Ptolemy.

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub in Lewiston

...Wastin' away again in Margaritaville, Searching for my lost shaker of salt...

• 2012 CLEARANCE HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001

The chances of having a leap year birthday are 1 in 1,461

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Circle Flies

There are about 4 million people in the world who have been born on February 29th.

Submitted by Jimbo

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said.

"Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

Iced Tea At the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904, Richard Blechyden, an Englishman, had a tea concession. On a very hot day, none of the fairgoers were interested in drinking hot tea.

Blechyden served the tea cold – and invented iced tea.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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FEBRUARY 2012

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UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP • OWNER BILL ROY 828 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME • 795-6666 / Fax: 795-8983

We now do: State Inspections • Minor Repairs Plus Oil & Fluid Changes at Great Prices! Labor Rate $48/hr

$

Change OFF Oil 5 Quarts, Full Service

5

with Mobil Oil & Filter Made in USA Most cars. Cannot be combined with any other coupon or discount. Expires 2/29/12

Any Fluid OFF Exchange

$

Mon.-Fri. 8am-6pm • Sat. 8am-3pm

10

Most cars. Cannot be combined with any other coupon or discount. Expires 2/29/12

Mon.-Fri. 8am-6pm • Sat. 8am-3pm

Cool Leap Year Facts Every 28 years Leap Day lands on the same day of the week.

Check it out: Monday if you were born in . . . . . . .1904 Saturday if you were born in . . . . . .1908 Thursday if you were born in . . . . .1912 Tuesday if you were born in . . . . . .1916 Sunday if you were born in . . . . . .1920 Friday if you were born in . . . . . . . .1924 Wednesday if you were born in . . . .1928

. . . .1932 . . . .1936 . . . .1940 . . . .1944 . . . .1948 . . . .1952 . . . .1956

. . . .1960 . . . .1964 . . . .1968 . . .1972 . . . .1976 . . . .1980 . . . .1984

. . . .1988 . . . .1992 . . . .1996 . . . .2000 . . . .2004 . . . .2008 . . . .2012 Submitted by Glen Gisel

FOR SALE: Sturdy motorcycle, good condition, runs excellent, great for family transportation,

INCLUDES BUCKET SEAT! Best reasonable offer.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Massachusetts: When a Catholic sneezes three times during the church service.

SEE US FOR YOUR SNOWMOBILE LOAN

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub in Lewiston

• Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms

Fishmore & Dolittle: Retirement Planning & Consultants

Irish Twins is like my living room I’m here so much...

4Play stopped to pose for a group picture at Irish Twins Pub My mother's such a fitness freak, she tries to feed low-cal charcoal to her potbellied stove!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Some Amazing Signs...

Donʼ worry about your health. Itʼll go away.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

Buy 2 NEW Tires A $24 Value!

and receive a

FREE Oil Change*

Expires 2.29.12

✃

*5 quarts max, non-synthetic - must have coupon to qualify.

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Iʼm retired. I was tired yesterday. Iʼm tired again today.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Retirement slogan: Goodbye tension - Hello pension.

Retirement Slogan: In dog years Iʼm dead.

Dear Boss, I'm resigning effective immediately!

The reason for my resignation is that I cleaned my aunt's garage this morning before coming to work and realized I don't feel like working anymore. See for yourself...

Fun Facts about Leap Year Submitted by Jimbo

2012 is a leap year, with 366 days instead of the usual 365 days. Why? It was the ancient Egyptians who first figured out that the solar year and the man-made calendar year didn't always match up. That's because it actually takes the Earth a little longer than a year to travel around the Sun — 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, and 46 seconds, to be exact. Therefore, as the hours accumulated over the centuries, an extra day was occasionally added to the calendar, and over time the practice became more or less official.

The Romans first designated February 29 as leap day, but a more precise formula (still in use today) was adopted in the 16th century when the Gregorian calendar fine-tuned the calculations to include a leap day in years only divisible by four - 2012, 2016, 2020, 2024, etc.

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 Geezer (geʼzer) – noun. slang.

Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in between.

Another stipulation ruled that no year divisible by 100 would have a leap year, except if it was divisible by 400. Thus, 1900 was not a leap year ... but 2000 was! Go figure.

Thankfully, all this intricate plotting will continue to keep us in tune with the seasons over the next several thousand years.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Community Credit Union certifications Community Credit Union is pleased to announce that Diane Dyer, VP of Lending and Nancy Richard, Branch Manager have received their certifications with CUSO Mortgage Corporation.

In receiving this Certification, Dyer and Richard have completed a comprehensive training program designed to allow them to process and complete a mortgage loan application with CUSO Mortgage Corporation through Community Credit Union. This comprehensive program is broken down into 3 modules and covers topics including an introduction to mortgage lending, the interview and mortgage application process and underwriting and processing a residential mortgage.

Dyer is involved in the community through the Kora Shriners.

She has also Diane Dyer completed 3 years of CUNA Lending School as well as other various Credit Union courses.

Dyer resides in Wales with her significant other, Paul Roy. Richard is involved in the community serving on the Androscoggin County Budget Committee, a member of the Mechanic Falls Town Council Nancy Richard and serving as a member of the Auburn-Lewiston Rotary Club. She resides in Mechanic Falls with her husband, Armand.

Community Credit Union is a member-owned, full service financial institution that has been serving its members and Androscoggin County since 1945.

Community Credit Union has branches located at 144 Pine Street, Lewiston and 40 Stanley Street, Auburn. FMI, visit CommunityCreditUnion.com See their ad on page 54.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Iʼm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where Iʼm going.

Nervous about seeing the dentist?

ANXIETY-FREE DENTISTRY Now you can stop worrying & start smiling again!

THE CENTER FOR ADVANCED DENTISTRY • We pride ourselves in presenting a caring, friendly environment in which we provide state of the art comprehensive dentistry.

• Focused, individual care.

• Totally relaxed dentistry with the option of conscious oral or IV sedation.

• Treating all your dental needs at one location.

• No more loose false teeth with the placement of affordable implants.

• 0% financing available as well as cash discounts.

• Whether it’s preventative, restorative, or surgical, we can meet most of your needs right here.

Our Doctors: Dr. Jonathan A. Bernstein D.D.S. Dr. Robert D. Limoges D.M.D. Dr. Kevin M. Connelly D.M.D.

CALL US TODAY! YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID!

The Center for Advanced Dentistry Complete Family Dentistry 220 Main Street, Auburn • 784-7355 or 866-716-6128 www.AuburnDental.com

Like us on Facebook! We often post coupons and special offers on our page.

The only trouble with retirement... you never get a day off!

Prayer Positions

I donʼt exercise! It makes my coffee spill.

Submitted by Jimbo

SAVE UP TO 50% You name it, we frame it!

Weddings, family photos, artwork & more!

Most Offers

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

Call and ask us how.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

Come with a Hook This is Ours.

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Dan Williams, owner

Custom framing is more affordable than you might think. Check us out!

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 www.DandRFraming.com

NEW YEAR = NEW CAREER...

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

Benefits Include:

Tired of retail, fast food or being the sounding board on the other end of the phone? Be part of a Team devoted to making a difference in the lives of others! If you have what it takes for a new challenge, complete an on-line application at www.supportsolutions.org We have openings in Central and Southern Maine

• Generous time-off program • PAID TRAINING • Medical, dental & vision • Employee Assistance Program • And more!

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

Contact Kim Dionne

kdionne@supportsolutions.org Our Vision:We envision that children and adults living with a developmental disability and/or mental illness will be empowered to ask: Why Not? Our Mission: The mission of Support Solutions is to inspire and support a culture of possibilities.

RS DOO N AT OPE PM 3:00

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

For Central Maine 124 Canal St., Lewiston, ME 04240

207-795-0672 ext. 2108 We are an Equal Opportunity Employer

KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS

MORE GAMES

• MORE PRIZES • MORE

RY EVE AY ESD N D WE PM 6:30

WINNERS

Up to 48 Cards for $10 Sealed Tickets • W.T.A. • 50/50 Prizes Canteen • Friendly Staff

s Caring i ess! our busin

150 East Ave., Lewiston • 782-9265 "The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it."

– Bill Nye

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub in Lewiston

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one. – Benjamin Franklin

Bakery &

WineCellar Valentine’s Day • Wines & Champagnes • Chocolate Covered Over 500 labels of wine Strawberries

I picked the Pats to go all the way... that prediction wasn’t known by the time Uncle Andy’s February edition went to print. So here’s to good karma!

• Cookies • Creme Horns • Pastries & Mini Pastries

• Homemade Chocolates • Truffles • Private Chef Services

Baked Items • Cupcakes • Pies • Brownies

• • • •

Eclairs Donuts Whoopie Pies Cakes

Meal Time • 2 Soups Every Day • Smiling Hill Farms • Egg, Ham & Chicken Salad Milk • Meat Pie & Salmon Pie • Over 25 Different • Bean Specials Cheeses • Breads

Specialty& Miscellaneous Items • Over 20 Different Kinds of Fudge • Toasted Nuts

• Custom Cakes • Kettle Corn

72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine • 353-7552

www.benoitsbakery.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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FEBRUARY 2012

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In 1886, the tuxedo, created by Griswold Lorillard, made its American debut at the autumn ball in Tuxedo Park, New York.

"I've always believed no matter how many shots I miss, I'm going to make the next one."

– Jonathan Swift

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub in Lewiston

Xtreme Fit! INTERVAL TRAINING Come exceed your fitness goals in 2012 Call today or log on to our website and check out our schedule, videos & more

XTREME ATHLETICS Xtreme Fit • Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Karate • Zumba®

Sometimes bringing home the bacon means working 2-3 part-time jobs at the same time. But it’s all good!

www.xtremeathleticsmaine.com Phone: 786-9100 "The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are: Hard work, Stick-to-itiveness, and Common sense." – Thomas A. Edison

Come check out the newly expanded Irish Twins Pub!

In 1940, the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 went into effect.

One of its major provisions was the 40-hour work week.

My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Some Amazing Signs...

Duck vs Elephant: You can't get down off an elephant.

TIME TO CASH IN! Special pricing for quantities and contractors!

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

$$$ CASH REWARD for information leading to the arrest of those persons responsible for the slashing of tires on our company vehicles. Contact Peter at 615-7057 or 795-8887

Automobile Batteries.......................$7 ea. ...................................20 or more = $8 ea.

Alloy Rims .......................................$13 ea. ...................................10 or more = $14 ea.

Catalytic Converters...................$8-$240 .......................(avg. payout is about $70) Computer Towers .................................$4 Mother Boards............................$2.50 lb.

Brass.....................................................$2 Motors • Pumps • Computer Board Scraps Copper, Brass, Aluminum, Insulated Wire, Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions.

Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes)

We pay the highest prices in town.

Stop by and see us!

15 Pierce Street, Auburn

615-7057 or 795-8887 Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Amber & Bev

If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."

"The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it." – William James

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift!

Out ’n About at Xtreme Athletics in Lewiston

Couples Swedish Massage

Only $99!

Gift Certificates Available!

Cannot be combined with other offers.

777-3939 245 Center Street, Suite 7, Auburn www.ParadiseSalonSpa.com

WE BUY GOLD & Silver

Frankie’s Pawn @

PAWN • BUY • SELL • TRADE Come in before Valentine’s Day and get a free treat for your sweetheart!

Music Equipment • Tools • Electronics • Gifts & Collectibles 128 Lewiston Street, Mechanic Falls • 346-3588 Tues. - Sat. 10-6 • Closed Sun. & Mon.

Say it with flowers

Working this bag is great, but it’s not as great as that ad at the top of page 33.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 www.annsflower.com Sausage sales bring out the wurst in people.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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The Playpen

I'm super lazy - just like normal lazy, but I wear a cape.

Submitted by Jimbo

Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests.

They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

Leaping Wardrobe In 1288 Queen Margret of Scotland ordered that any man who was proposed to on Leap Yearʼs Day and refused the proposal could be fined either a kiss, a silk dress, or a pair of gloves that were to be given to the rejected woman. So a woman, who was extremely unpopular could fund her entire wardrobe by proposing to a lot of men she knew would refuse her.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view.

MYSTERY PHOTO (as seen on the Uncle Andyʼs Facebook page)

Can you identify this camera shy waitress at Royʼs Allsteak Hamburgers in Auburn?

Somewhere else in this Digest you will see the mystery revealed!

If you guess correctly, this waitress said to stop by any day and sheʼd let you buy yourself a cup of coffee and maybe even some breakfast, if youʼre in the mood!

I'll have to find a new way to strain noodles if this is the last year I can use my Mayan Colander.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.

– Abraham Maslow

Airline Cookies Submitted by Jimbo

Nobody but NOBODY beats our prices!

WOW!!!

February Special

24 T-shirts (minimum) 1 color - front & back

Only $5.95 each!

Screenprinting and Embroidery

730 Main St, Lewiston (next to Salvation Army) • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com

I childproofed my house but they still get in.

This Month’s Specials

Gutenberg’s invention of the printing press is why you’re reading Uncle Andy’s Digest right now, Abe. Two fantastic inventions I’d say!

Freshly-made 1/4 lb. Cheeseburger......$3.19 3 Pc. Roadies Chicken Tender Snack ....$3.19

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

Do something you’ve always wanted to do...

LEARN TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT THIS YEAR! • Memory enhancement • Increased concentration • Increased coordination

Authorized Service Center

• Decrease depression & anxiety • Increased HGH production and more!

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

376-3376

134 Main Street, Auburn www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

"If you dig it, do it. If you dig it a lot, do it twice." – Jim Croce

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Politically Correct Light Bulb "How many politicallycorrect people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Make your Valentine’s Day Reservations Now!

Lost Cell Phone Submitted by Jimbo

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Little Known Fact In 1904, the Marconi Company established "CQD" as the first international radio distress signal. Two years later, this signal was replaced by the "SOS" signal. "CQ" stood for "seek you" and "D" stood for "danger."

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Free Dessert for every couple

Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi 730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA

376-4855

jasminecafemaine.com Worry is stewing without doing.

RESTAURANT

Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Thatcher’s in Windham!

892-9922

907 Roosevelt Trail in Windham ♥ Easy on the pocketbook ♥ Great for the whole family ♥ Full menu always available

Trivia?

A horse is tied to a 20 foot long rope. The horse wants to get some water that is 30 feet away. The horse gets the water easily.

How is this?

Answer: The other end of the rope isn't tied to anything.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Witty Answers

Bring your Sweetie to Thatcher’s!

Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm ♥ Sun 12 - 8pm

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.

Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners

Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere What's the difference between a flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor?

One's going to itch; the other's itching to go!

Every Thursday Open Mic Night 6pm-9pm

Breakfast served from 8am - 11am

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Coffee Cake A former roommate baked a coffee cake and asked me to sample it.

$5 LUNCHES! Monday - Friday 11am - 1pm

Casual Family Dining • Full bar • Fall-off-the-bone Ribs Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner Sun - Wed 8am - 8pm; Thurs - Sat 8am - 9pm

757 Main Street, Lewiston (Across from Marden’s ) • 376-4990 What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing; It just waved.

It was pretty tasty but I asked her what the small crunchy things were in the cake. She said the recipe called for 2 cups of strong coffee.

You guessed it. She put two cups of pure coffee in - not perked coffee!!! Quite a buzzzzzzzz from that cake.

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Who invented Leap Year?

Julius Caesar introduced Leap Years in the Roman empire over 2000 years ago, but the Julian calendar had only one rule: any year evenly divisible by 4 would be a leap year.

This lead to way too many leap years, but didn't get corrected until the introduction of the Gregorian Calendar more than 1500 years later.

Leap Year Fact Leap year babies born in the year 1884 did not celebrate a single birthday on their actual birth date throughout their entire teen age years. February 29th fell on the year they turned 12 and then not again until they turned 20.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Restaurant & Lounge

L/A’s new modern lounge & nightclub

This month at Fusion...

Every Wednesday Karaoke & Ladies Night w/ DJ Jeff St. Armand

Every Saturday

DJ Kool V

Friday Night Entertainment Feb. 3rd Feb. 10th Feb. 17th Feb. 24th

Maine Stream Band Chad Porter Band Skösh Forefront

Leap Year Capital Anthony, Texas is the self proclaimed leap year capital of the world. Every year this little town that sits on the border of New Mexico holds a festival and leap year birthday celebrations complete with a carnival and hot air balloon rides. People come from all over the world to celebrate their special birthday in style.

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Thurs. Feb. 23rd Chamber Business After Hours

Restaurant & Lounge @ Ramada Inn 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston

576-6384

www.FusionLewiston.com "Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use." – Charles Schulz

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

EVERY WEDNESDAY

KARAOKE w/Mikey C 8pm-11pm Live Entertainment Thurs.-Sat. Check out or Facebook page for details!

WE’VE EXPANDED!

How’s this for a Valentine’s outfit?

Pretty sweet, I know!

Come check out the new Irish Twins!

BUFFALO WING

3rd Annual

EATING CONTEST 1st Round Wed. Feb. 22nd Finals Wed. Feb. 29th

Cash Prizes for 1st, 2nd & 3rd Place

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) Just tell me what you need, and I'll see to it that something ought to be done!

SKI FREE FRIDAYS EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT IN FEBRUARY 5-9 PM Sponsored by L-A Harley, Lost Valley, Lee Auto, and Emerson Toyota Fri. Feb. 3rd Ski Free with Lee, 5-9 Sponsored

by L-A Harley and Lee Auto.

Dr. McGillicuddy Night in the Brookside Lounge with drink specials & giveaways. Under the Covers at 8:30 PM, no cover charge!

WINTERFEST FINAL WEEKEND FEB. 3-5TH Sat. Feb. 4th

Sun. Feb, 5th

Activities all day ending with torch light parade at 9pm. $13 lift tickets/$13 rentals 5-9pm. Kiddy Sledding & Bonfire 5-8pm

Downhill Mountain Bike Race, Snow rafting rides, Maine Ski Challenge. Pre-Super Bowl Bash in the Brookside Lounge!

Fri. Feb. 17th - Ski Free 5-9 PM Sponsored by L-A Harley and Lost Valley. PBR Night in the Brookside Lounge with Thunder Road playing at 8:30 PM

Fri. Feb. 10th Ski Free 5-9 Sponsored by L-A Harley and Emerson Toyota.

3 Olive Dude Vodka Night in the Brookside Lounge with Five Face North at 8:30 PM, no cover!

Fri. Feb. 24th - Ski Free 5-9 PM Sponsored by L-A Harley and Lost Valley. Food specials at the snack bar. Band TBA in the Brookside Lounge.

200 Lost Valley Road, Auburn 784-1561 • www.lostvalleyski.com "Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself." – John Dewey

Isabella Read Isabella is the granddaughter of Anna Waldman & Andy Marsh

Leaplings While being a leapling can cause some problems with obtaining drivers licenses, most leaplings admit that every four years they can really cash in on their unusual birthday with free meals at restaurants and free merchandise from many stores. And despite the jokes about being younger than they actually are leaplings say there are some benefits in being as old as you feel, not all 60 year olds can claim they are going on 15!

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Out ’n About at Sparetime Recreation in Lewiston

Local Restaurants & Entertainment LOCALLY OWNED & OPERATED

Fall In Love With Our February Special

Glow Bowling is a blast!

$ at. on.-S S: M m R U O p H 9 7am- .

Sun -8pm 10am

1.00 OFF

Hell’s Kitchen Fresh OR Sandwich Mozzarella Sandwich (Fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, pesto and balsamic vinegar)

(Egg salad, bacon, swiss cheese, avocado and cajun sauce)

Either sandwich includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or potato chips and a pickle.

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

Erin Simpson Bowling at Sparetime Recreation is a family friendly environment. Check it out!

SKöSH plays live at Sparetime Recreation

Every Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm Jenna Austin According to astrologers, those born under the sign of Pisces on February 29 have unusual talents and personalities reflecting their special status.

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Pizza Buffet Soup, Salad & Pizza $9.99/pp • $5 Children 10 & under 150 Mill Street, Lewiston • 782-2088 www.davinciseatery.com "You just can't beat the person who never gives up." – Babe Ruth

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame Inductee I’m gonna eat one everyday until the casino opens!

Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Out ’n About at Sparetime Recreation in Lewiston Our sexy bowling shoes will increase your bowling string average. Or my name isn’t Tom Giberti.

Jacob Gagne of Oxford

“Home of the Double Yolker”

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

Tom Giberti "Do Something. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn't, do something else."

– Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sparetime Rec employee

It’s true what Tom says.

I keep stringing great scores in each frame and look forward to bowling my first ‘Turkey’...*

VOTED BEST CASUAL RESTAURANT ★ 11 Years in a Row ★ VOTED BEST WAITSTAFF for 2011

Catch all the Bruins & Celtics games here in HD!!

Kimmy Sloan Sparetime Rec employee

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

*Bowling a ʻturkeyʼ is getting 3 strikes in a row.

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." – Mitch Hedberg

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Out ’n About at Sparetime Recreation in Lewiston

Local Restaurants & Entertainment A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.55 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls

Tues. Wed. & Thurs.

Fried Clams - sm. $11.50 . . . .lg. $14.75 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . . . . . . . . .$7.95

Ron & Kim Bryant Live music every Saturday night!

Take a look at our line up on the next page.

w/potato, carrots, gravy & rolls

Friday & Saturday

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . .$6.95

After 4:00 PM Prime Rib Au Jus*

w/potato & rolls

Thursday - New England Boiled Dinner .$9.55 w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

Small $13.50 • Large $16.25

Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried Haddock* $11.45 Baked Stuffed Haddock* Small $9.95 • Large $13.65

Fried Seafood Combo* $16.95

Try one of our delicious pot pies!

They’re a big hit this time of year.

Baked Salmon $10.95 includes Potato, Choice of Salad or Coleslaw *with Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw

“Doughty”

or Vegetable & Rolls

Hours: Sunday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday & Saturday 6am – 9:30pm

Line/Fry Cook since ʻ99

64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com Scott Moore (Manager) and his girlfriend, Nikki Levasseur

Februarys with 5 Fridays The year 2008 had five Fridays in February.

Between 1904 and 2096, leap years with the same day of the week for each date repeat every 28 years.

The last time February had five Fridays was in 1980 and the next time will be in 2036.

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JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS All breakfast specials include coffee

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast............$3.95 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast...................$3.95 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes .....................$3.95 THURSDAY: French Toast...............................................$3.95 FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette ...........................................$3.95

5 Washington Street, Auburn

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ..............$3.95 SUNDAY: French Crepes.................................................$3.95

Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome

Prices do not include tax.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

1 OFF $

Any Purchase of $500 or more

1 coupon per order

✁

Expires 2.29.12

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

What are you doing tonight?

Out ’n About at Sparetime Recreation in Lewiston Come see us on Saturday nights for live entertainment!

L-A’s Newest Hot Spot...

February Live Music Series February Vacation Every Saturday Night!

Feb. 4th Feb. 11th Feb. 18th Feb. 25th

Brookside Band Skösh The Veggies Firewater Creek

Come check out our NEW stage & dance floor! to see our daily specials & prices

Special An hour and a half of bowling for

$

24

Feb. 20th - 24th

SPARETIME is a great place to host your child’s Birthday Party! $

Monday Mania Rent-a-lane $ 00 10 per hour 11am-10pm

$

2 Tuesday

2.00 games and shoe rentals 11am-5pm

Susan Patrie Sparetime Rec employee

Tori Doucette

Bottomless Wednesday

Manager’s Special Thursday

2 hours for only $6 per person open - close

Check Facebook, stop in, or call for the GLOW BOWLING 9:30 - midnight special of the day!

Friday & Saturday

24 Mollison Way • Lewiston

786-2695

www.sparetimerec.com Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since.

Ashley Bouyea Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Xtreme Athletics in Lewiston

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

I get my kicks by doing Xtreme Fit!

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

MONDAY The Fergy

TUESDAY Meatball Subs

WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners

sm. $2.50/lg. $5.00

sm. $3.20/lg. $6.00

1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink $4.50

THURSDAY Mini Pizza Come check out an Xtreme Fit class...

We’ll show you the ropes!

1 Top $2.60/2 Top $3.30

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink $5.99

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99 I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. – Rita Rudner

Celebrating 5 Years in Business!

It’s hard to believe that it was 5 years ago on February 12th that we opened our doors in Lewiston! Come check out our renovations to the lounge and back dining room! It’s pretty exciting!

We’re celebrating all month long!

Sign up each time you dine! All month we’re giving away cash, gift cards, a flat screen TV & dinner for 6 people on Leap Day, Wednesday, Feb. 29th!

Bill, Lisa & the whole staff want to say THANK YOU for 5 awesome years and we pledge our commitment to continue serving great food at great prices from a great staff!

Chick-A-Dee of Lewiston

1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 376-3870 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Q: What do dolphins and men have in common?

A: They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.

NEXT Level Business Coaching Go Home On Time – Sleep Well At Night

What is business coaching?

Call 207-376-3239 for a confidential 90 minute consultation on any two business issues you are facing – no charge.

Guaranteed to provide you with strategies you can put to use right away.

Get Along

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

A cowboy walked into a pet store and asked to buy a Dachsund.

The store clerk asked why he chose that breed and the cowboy replied, "Because someone told him to "get a long little doggy."

On this day in 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made.

This was the first ever flag poll.

Helpful Mechanic Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

You're History Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun on the cashier.

He said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY." The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

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A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying "Hold my purse."

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You can spell "paradigm."

February is National Children’s Dental Health Month and we are inviting all K-6 students of Androscoggin County to participate!

The poster theme is

Sweden (and Finland) had a "double" leap year in 1712, because two days were added to February. That year there was a date February 30, 1712. This was done because the leap year in 1700 was dropped, and Sweden's calendar was not synchronized with any other calendar. By adding an extra day in 1712, they were back on the Julian calendar.

What Day?

Two Categories: Kindergarten - 3rd grade 4th grade - 6th grade

Scholarship prizes awarded in each category:

Rules and details:

1st place - $500 2nd place - $250 3rd place - $150

1. One submission per student (be sure to write your name, grade, and school on the back of the poster) 2. Sizes of submission permitted: 8.5 x 11 inches (letter size) up to about 22 x 28 inches (standard poster size) 3. Submissions can be dropped off at Center Street Dental 4. Scholarship prize money will be deposited into an Education Savings Account (ESA) created for the winner.

5. Final deadline for submissions is February 29 at 5:00 PM. Winners will be announced in March.

Submissions cannot be returned.

For more information please contact us:

Judges Dr. Rosemarie Sheline Suzanne Frigon, Central Maine Community College Tammie Grieshaber, Gallery 5 Curator Rene Minnis, Rene Minnis Photography

26 Cross St. Auburn, ME 04210 207-784-2211

www.centerstreetdental.net Rosemarie G. Sheline, DDS James P. Dunn, DMD

A Leaping Double Dip

Find us on Facebook!

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You actually know what a paradigm is.

James Collins of Texas, USA, born Leap Day 1968 says: In a non Leap Year, on February 28th, when they ask, "When's your birthday?" you can tell people this: "It's the day after today but it's not tomorrow.

And it's the day before tomorrow but it's not today."

A leap year poem to remember it by: Thirty days hath September, April, June and November; All the rest have thirty-one Save February, she alone Hath eight days and a score Til leap year gives her one day more.

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Precise Age

Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

Submitted by Maggie Joyce

Uncle Andy had been working as a guard at a museum. Some tourists were marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks Uncle Andy, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

Uncle Andy replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

Super Sale on Echo Chainsaws

Uncle Andy answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

1334 MINOT AVE., AUBURN, ME 04210 • 207-783-0558

Did You Know?

February is named after the Roman god Februus. The Latin root word februa means purification; and the Romans held their celebration of purification during the time of the month February.

The Welsh originally called the second month of the year – “y mis bach” meaning the little month. During the time of Shakespeare it was called ʻFeverellʼ.

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Valentine’s Giveaway Spend $25 or more and get entered into our drawing for a

Fabric Bundle of Reds & Whites

Now until Feb. 14th

Drawing on Tues., Feb. 14th See store for details

336 Center St. • Auburn 782-5922 In prison you get three meals a day - at work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

Happy Birthday, Faith!

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to...

8 and looking GREAT!

Faith celebrated her 8th birthday on January 17th. You can find Faith at Collector's Corner in Mechanic Falls.

Inventions Galore Thomas Edison, "the Wizard of Menlo Park," established an "invention factory," the first industrial research laboratory, with the hope of producing a new invention every ten days. In one 4-year period, he obtained 300 patents, or one every five days.

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You refer to your spouse as "my Co-CEO."

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What did one Illinois prison inmate say to the other?

The food was better when you were Governor.

Micro Measurement An angstrom is a unit of length equal to one tenmillionth of a millimeter, primarily used to express electromagnetic wavelengths. It was named after Swedish astronomer and physicist Anders Jonas Ångström (1814-1874).

1st Annual

AuburnJT Reid’s Gun Gun Show Shop

Cost: $5 per person (Under 12 Fee)

Sponsored by

Saturday, Feb 11th, 9-4 Sunday, Feb 12th, 9-3 American Legion Post 31

Buckle Up!

426 Washington Ave., Auburn, ME **Concealed firearms prohibited on show grounds even with permit**

To see list of dealers participating go to www.jtreidsgunshop.com

When airplanes were still a novel invention, seat belts for pilots were installed only after the consequence of their absence was observed to be fatal – several pilots fell to their deaths while flying upside down.

Flocked The father of the pink flamingo (the plastic lawn ornament) was Don Featherstone of Massachusetts. Featherstone graduated from art school and went to work as a designer for Union Products, a Leominster, Massachusetts company that manufactured flat plastic lawn ornaments. He designed the pink flamingo in 1957 as a follow-up project to his plastic duck. Today, Featherstone is president and part owner of the company that sells an average of 250,000 to 500,000 plastic pink flamingos a year.

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GREAT MEAT PACKAGES 1 LB AMERICAN CHEESE 1 LB BOILED HAM 1 LB ROAST BEEF 1 LB BOLOGNA 1 LB BACON 1 LB RED FRANKS

$

2 LBS GROUND CHUCK 3 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 2 LBS PORK CHOPS 2 LBS BLADE STEAK 1 LB CHICKEN NUGGETS

$

21

27

3 LBS GROUND CHUCK 2 LBS PORK CHOPS 3 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 3 LBS WHOLE CHICKEN 2 LBS HAM STEAK 2 LBS LONDON BROIL 1 LB BACON

$

45

4 LBS GROUND CHUCK 4 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 2 LBS PORK CHOPS 2 LBS CUBE STEAK 2 LBS PORK SAUSAGE 2 LBS HAM STEAK 1 LB BOILED HAM 1 LB BOLOGNA 1 LB AMERICAN CHEESE

$

5% COUPON

SAVE

even more!!

57

Many more packages available all or stop by for more info

5 LBS GROUND CHUCK 3 LBS BONELESS CHUCK ROAST 3 LBS PORK ROAST 3 LBS WHOLE CHICKEN 5 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 2 LBS PORK CHOPS 2 LBS TOP ROUND 3 LBS CUBE STEAK 2 LBS BACON 6-7 LBS SMOKED SHOULDER

$

We do allow substitutions

All orders must be pre-paid before they are cut

Poirier’s Market 38 Walnut Street, Lewiston • 782-1041

99

Delivery available on packages $57+ within 5 mile radius

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

Diapers

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

ood Products W e n i F & Stove Sales

224-7239 2742 Auburn Rd. Turner, ME 04282

Over 30 years experience

(1 mile north of intersection of Rt. 4 and 219)

Pellet Stoves Wood Stoves Gas Stoves

• Pine Furniture • Machined Wood Parts • Boxes & Crates • Store Displays

Stove Service & Installation Wholesale Pricing to Retailers buying in volume Custom Production Wood Work

Take a short drive down Route 4 and SAVE BIG $$$

www.finewoodproducts.net robm@finewoodproducts.net Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.

After Marion Donovan was inundated by the wild success of her invention of waterproof diaper covers in 1946, she was surprised when her prototype for disposal paper diapers was met with disinterest and ridicule. She journeyed to all the major U.S. paper companies, and was laughed at for proposing such an "unnecessary and impractical" item to replace cotton diapers. After nearly ten years of pitching her revolutionary idea, Victor Mills had the foresight to capitalize on it, and he became the creator of Pampers.

Hey, Mom Charlie: Mom, remember how you always worried that I'd break your best teacups if I played with them?

Mom: Yes, I remember.

Charlie: Well, your worries are over.

A weary hiker stumbled upon another hiker deep in the northern Maine woods. "Am I ever glad to see you," said the hiker. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't be too relieved," answered the second hiker. "I've been lost for three weeks."

A giraffe's family reunion is called "necks of kin."

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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Dalmatians can't play hide and seek, because they are always spotted.

Submitted by a dog lover

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.

By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead!

Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!

Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!

Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. (continued on next page)

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One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.

(continued from previous page)

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZ

For All Your Salon & Spa Needs • Full Hair Salon Services • Waxing • Hair Products • Facials • Manicures & Pedicures • Massage Therapy

Ashlee, Shannon, Hannah, Kelley, Mel & Darcy

to get updates on special services & promotions

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1611

Tues. 10am-7pm Wed.-Fri. 10am-6pm • Sat. 9am-2pm

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Presidents Day is Monday, February 20th Advertise with us and get noticed!

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

After having a row with his wife, a husband tries to make peace.

"Why donʼt you meet me halfway?" he says.

"I'll admit youʼre wrong if you admit Iʼm right."

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A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

Witty Answers It was mealtime during an airline flight.

“Would you like dinner?,” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

“What are my choices?,” John asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.

Bad Monkey Submitted by Jimbo

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784-6554

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub in Lewiston

A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?"

The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"

Radio Knowledge One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, Calif., we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

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Georgio’s

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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a parttime job in a repair shop was declared.

The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. "You," he barked. "Carry the radio."

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Traffic Signs

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

Submitted by Jimbo

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really made the drivers speed up even

Auburn Exchange Club’s 36th Annual Twin Cities

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Dealers from throughout d New Englan

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS

Admission: Adults: $8 Children under 12: Free with adult

(continued on next page)

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At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

(continued from previous page)

If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

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Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.

faster. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the ! problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...

It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spraypainted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

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Going with the FLO

Crime is merely politics without the excuses.

Jeff Allen, Owner of Selco Plumbing & Heating Back in 1990 Jeff Allen, the eventual owner of Selco Plumbing & Heating in Lewiston, was working for another local plumbing supply company. When Carmen Tompson got bought out by Bouley Supply, the last payment was made in materials. Those materials were used to open Selco Distributors, which at the time was strictly a distribution clearing house. At the time the warehouse was located across from the main entrance to the Lewiston Fairgrounds/Sparetime Recreation. The owner at the time was looking for some partners and Allen was eager to get into business. Initially there were 3 owners until Allen bought his partners out around 1992-93. A year later the business was doing well and moved to its present location at 1525 Lisbon Street in Lewiston.

The company expanded to offer more items and opened to the public, too. They offer anything related to your bathroom such as toilets, showers, tubs, fixtures ,vanities and all the plumbing parts needed for those jobs as well. They also offer a huge line of heating related accessories and parts and products from companies like Rinnai & Monitor and more. They carry furnaces, boilers, copper, pex, pvc & other types of piping & fittings needed for those important jobs.

Selco also carries Napoleon Pellet Stoves and a unique unit called the Saniflo. Which is a unit that pumps your wastewater up. So, if you've ever considered adding a basement bathroom or laundry but can't tie into the plumbing in the normal manner, the Saniflo & Saniflo Plus are certainly something to consider.

The prices at Selco are comparable to the Big Box stores and their personal service & over 40 years of combined plumbing & heating experience is unsurpassed. If your a doit-yourself type of person, this is a great place to check out.

If you’re not, you should still stop by and check out their showrooms of tubs, vanities, showers, fixtures & heating related displays and tell your contractor, you want your stuff from Selco. Stop by today at 1525 Lisbon Street, just past the turnpike exit. Their hours are Mon -Fri 7:30a -5:30p & Sat 8a-4p. You can also check out their ad on page 91 FMI, call the store at 783-6927 or log onto their website, www.myselco.com.

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PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING? Ask about our signature models!

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PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

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The Preacher's Teeth

The very first doctor of dermatology, had to start from scratch.

Submitted by Jimbo

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...and I couldn't shut up.”

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20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Davy Crockett Davy Crockett, American frontiersman and politician, was born in 1786. Crockett became famous in his own lifetime for largerthan-life exploits popularized by stage plays and almanacs. After his death, he continued to be credited with brazen acts of mythical proportion. These led in the 20th century to television and movie portrayals, and he became one of the best-known American folk heroes.

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Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

People who say they never fart, are full of hot air.

“Feels Like Home!”

Out ’n About at Maine Source Realty’s Ribbon Cutting in Auburn

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394

ONLY $10

Jonathan Labonte Mayor of Auburn

Games Pay 50 + 100 Sunday @ 6:00 pm Monday @ 6:30 pm Tuesday @ 6:30 pm

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ALSO PLAYING HERE: LHS Music Saturdays @ 6:00

An egotist is a person more interested in himself than in me.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Check Your Bill

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You write executive summaries on your love letters.

Submitted by Jimbo

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company.

It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: "For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."

Leap Year Fact Most have to wait every four years to "officially" observe their birthdays, but leap year babies typically choose either February 28 or March 1 to celebrate in years that aren't leap years.

My sister has five daughters but she can be alone any time she wants to be.

How does she manage it?

She just starts doing the dishes!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

Est. 2008

Dog Grooming Daycare & Boutique A Letter of Gratitude

Happy 4th Anniversary to the DOGGz INN!!

Avenue in mber of 2007 on Minot ve No in e ac sp this ed as When I le , I had a vision of what 08 20 1, y ar nu Ja g in of the preparations for open er was 1 dog everyday om st cu st fir y M e. m 1 dog to business could beco m a customer base of fro n ow gr ve ha to d week! I am so prou what we are today! this ersʼ continued belief in om st cu r ou of e us ca be tough We are here today through an extremely , gs do r ei th to s fit ne s! business and its be 3 expansions in 3 year h ug ro th e nc tie pa r ei economy, and th yal ers enough for your lo om st cu l fu er nd wo y m ur I canʼt thank all of l of you, your dogs, yo al t ou ith W . ek we r te uld not business week af and co-workers, we wo ds en fri , ily m fa to ls wonderful referra be here today!! all for the ns and Lapointe Dryw tio lu So g in ild Bu k an are I also need to th 2008-2010. They really m fro e ac sp ad Ro w ro and use of their Mer s that need help to grow se es sin bu l al sm s rd geared towa much Joe and Yve!! expand! Thank you so ck, Derek, Kaitlin, Jeff, Celeste, Ri , ee hl As , tie Ka to ks Personal than , Randy & Ryan.

Jeremy, Bob, Skofield my dream a reality!” g in ak m r fo u yo of l al “Thank you to — Rebecka Campbell

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333-3640

Rough Boys A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

A good life is like toilet paper ... Long and useful.

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The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Purple Heart The Purple Heart is specifically a combat decoration and it is our nation's oldest military medal. It was first created by General George Washington in 1782 and was known as the Badge of Military Merit. The Badge of Military Merit was made of cloth and it is the predecessor of the Purple Heart medal.

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

In 1892, American astronomer Edward Barnard discovered Jupiter's fifth moon, Amalthea. It was the first moon of Jupiter to be discovered since Galileo's original discovery of the first four moons of Jupiter in 1610.

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Tenant Screening

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A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

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A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, 'What is this, a joke?'

Magic Trick Submitted by Jimbo

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Warning: If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

After tucking their three-year-old child Blake in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, Travis, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Blake's ear. Blake was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy!"

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.

His mother said to him, "Now, Bobby, I know you love Buster, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Thelma was here!"

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Young Logic Submitted by Jimbo

When you come to one of the forks in the road of life, donʼt waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon.

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

Punching Power In 1952, Rocky Marciano knocked out world heavyweight champion Jersey Joe Walcott in the 13th round and went on to be the only heavyweight champion in boxing history to retire without a defeat or draw as a professional boxer. Trivia fans: Marciano's punch was tested and featured in the December 1963 issue of Boxing Illustrated: "Marciano's knockout blow packs more explosive energy than an armour-piercing bullet and represents as much energy as would be required to spot lift 1000 pounds one foot off the ground."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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BROTHERS CONSTRUCTION

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576-4330 RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL

Maybe Youʼll Meet Him in 2063...

LOOKING TO BUY GUNS ALL THE TIME! BUY – SELL – TRADE

Antique ammo and lots of unique guns just came in from an estate sale!

Stop by and check it out!

Smith & Wesson Model 41 Target 22

Asking $850 481 Maine St. • Poland Spring 998-2806 • 576-9535 576-1553 Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

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Service Dog for Seth

We LOVE our customers!

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Expires 2.29.12

Seth Richards,

Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm

who has epilepsy, shown with a service dog, similar to the one he will receive once he is trained.

Richard Conway, owner

Q: What do you call someone whose used to be called Lee? A: Formerly.

MYSTERY PHOTO REVEALED (from page 36 & as seen on the Uncle Andyʼs Facebook page)

d corIf you guesse id to sa ily Em , rectly and y stop by any da youry bu u sheʼd let yo ffee and self a cup of co e m maybe even so in re uʼ yo if breakfast, d! the moo

Emily Gagnon, waitress at Royʼs Allsteak Hamburgers with a happy customer, Chris Shea of The Y in Auburn.

Q: What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a giant white shark?

A: Lefty.

Seth has the life-threatening disease. He has had Epilepsy since the age of 5. He has seizures almost on a daily basis.

He was accepted into the Canine Assistance program after being on a five-year waiting list. The sixth-grader at Jordan Small Middle School in Raymond is looking forward to meeting his new friend.

Shaw's and Milk Bone have sponsored Sethʼs service dog training. The family is very grateful!

They need help getting to the Training camp. Camp is for two weeks in Georgia.

Susan Richards said Seth will be paired with a seizure response dog.

Having this service dog by his side will allow Seth to become more independent.

Donations can be mailed to: Key Bank, 1278 Roosevelt Trail, Raymond, Maine 04071.

Payable to "Service Dog for Seth Fund."

Questions, please call Susan at 655-2822 Thank you very much!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Q: What do you call a girl who has three boyfriends named William?

A: A Bill collector.

co nd it io ns w Du e to po or ic e

e’ ve re sc he du le

d th e de rb y to :

2 1 0 2 , h t 5 2 y r Februa

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Q: What do you call a girl who complains a lot?

A: Mona.

Q: What do you call a man who was born in Atlanta, lived in Los Angeles, and died in New York? A: Dead.

Mouthy Politician Submitted by Jimbo

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

All the other Senators pleaded to the angry member that he withdraw his statement or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

My son just got his B.A. and now he wants to go for a Ph.D. Frankly...I think he should get a J.O.B.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said.

Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.

– Maimonides

In 1892, the Pledge of Allegiance was first recited to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Columbus' discovery.

The first version of the Pledge was published in "The Youth's Companion" on September 8, 1892.

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly... well enough about ME! How are you?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Sick Days

Women don't need make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself type.

Submitted by Jimbo

It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at a new medical office.

The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

Crash

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

entertainment

food

AA & AAA batteries, craft kits, disposable cameras, books, magazines, playing cards, small hand-held games, CD’s, DVD’s, MP3 device, memory stick, scrapbooking materials.

powdered drink mixes (individual packets are best), cookies, snack crackers, pretzels, tuna in a pouch, beef jerky, cheese spread (areosol can), gum, assorted nuts, granola bars, pop tarts, dried fruit, trail mix, raisins, red licorice twists, tootsie rolls & lollipops, peanut butter, hard candy, canned meats, canned pasta, pringles chips, snack cakes, pop corn, energy bars.

soccer balls, all other sports balls, squirt guns, frisbees, baseball gloves and bats, sun glasses

miscellaneous

hygiene supplies

blank holiday and birthday cards, pens, stationery, ziploc bags (all sizes),

facial cleansing pads, wet wipes, eye drops, lip balm, toothpaste, toothbrushes, soap, female products, deodorant, foot powder, shampoo & conditioner

LETTERS, LETTERS & MORE LETTERS!!

sports equipment

do not send:

In 1999, the Encyclopaedia Britannica website froze as it attempted to handle more than 12 million hits on its inaugural day. The Encyclopaedia Britannica is the oldest continuously published reference work in the English language.

72

Drop off any of the following items at all Maine Oxy branches or locally at 22 Albiston Way, Auburn.

783-7039

anything that melts – if you must send chocolate, send m&m’s; sunscreen (these are issued in massive quantities. they are drowning in sunscreen.) liquors of any sort, pornography of any sort.

For more information about the

M.O.S.T. Program 22 Albiston Way, Auburn • 784-5788

check out our website at: www.maineoxy.com (M.O.S.T. = Maine Oxy Supporting the Troops)

You can't change a man - unless he's in diapers.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. What does this show us?

That even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

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ElectricalSystemsOfMaine.com

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

AFFORDABLE HOUSING AT ITS BEST! Auburn’s newest 28 unit housing development is located in downtown Auburn near shops, restaurants, banks, the library, post office and local bus routes.

LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

Things Not To Say To On Date

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Fishing Terminology

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It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

www.auburnhousing.org

SECTION 8 HOUSING CHOICE VOUCHERS ACCEPTED

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Q: Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there are too many cheetahs!

Fishing Terminology REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

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Foreign Pizza Submitted by Jimbo

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Great big holes all over Africa.

For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs • Personal Lines • Auto • Boat, RV & Motorcycle • Assets • Home • Commercial Lines • Business • Life Insurance • Employee Benefits • Health Insurance

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY 2 locations to serve your needs

LEWISTON 541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029

BRUNSWICK 92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797

"If someone says "It's not the money, it's the principle,"it's the money." – Angelo Valenti The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Uncle Andy, I hear your computer training is going a little rough.

But even I know you have to download your photos to your computer first, then email them to Jimbo.

You can’t text jpegs to Jimbo’s phone or upload them to facebook and expect they’ll make it in the Digest. Come on now, jump into the 21st century will ya?

William Morton, a dentist from Charleston, Massachusetts, was the first person to use ether to extract a tooth. In his Boston dental office at 9 in the evening, Sept.

30, 1846, Morton used ether to painlessly extract a tooth from Eben Frost, a local merchant.

Stop by Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce on Minot Ave. in Auburn and say hello to our friendly crew

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

American inventor Peter Carl Goldmark invented the long-playing (LP) record in 1948.

& Jimbo

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(l to r):

Mike, Jeannie, Matt & Blackie

The film for the first Kodak camera was 2¾ inches wide, or 70 millimeters.

Kodak has been manufacturing 70-millimeter film continuously since 1888.

Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Hair by Gregory’s

Look your best on that special day!

Gift Certificates Available

Gaggle of Kids I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

Walk Out Submitted by Jimbo

Back, l to r: Linda, Kathy, Michael & Tina. Front, l to r: Kelly (owner), Terry, Nuria & Cory

Product Special

10% off 1 item 15% off 2 item 20% off 3 item

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.

600 Center Street • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 786-0112

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

The first "braces" were constructed by Pierre Fauchard in 1728. Fauchard's "braces" consisted of a flat strip of metal, which was connected to teeth by pieces of thread.

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Uncle Andy Gets Robbed

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."

Submitted by Jimbo

One night, Uncle Andy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Uncle Andy and the thief began to wrestle.

They rolled about on the ground and Uncle Andy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Uncle Andy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on him was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Uncle Andy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25¢.

Uncle Andy’s Digest Classified advertising

It doesnʼt get any more affordable!

See page 93

"Was that all you wanted?" Uncle Andy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Marriage Longevity Some people ask the secret of our long marriage: We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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Call us today for more info @ 783-7039 or email: editor@UncleAndys.com

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

LEAP YEAR BLOWOUT SPECIAL Complete Frame & Lenses starting at

$

29

/pair*

*restrictions & limitations apply, see sales associate for details

Any purchase made in February automatically enters you into our Leap Year Giveaway!

Lots of prizes to be drawn on Feb. 29th

We accept most insurances

Search: VIP Eyes Auburn

120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn • 783-4226

Vision at a Value Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM, Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

Getting sick at the airport, could be a terminal illness.

Exclusive!

First time in print!!

Uncle Andy as a young child.

Photo submitter asked to be kept anonymous.

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When… You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."

– Ralph Waldo Emerson John Tyler, the tenth President of the United States, was born on March 29, 1790, in Greenway, Virginia.

Trivia buffs: Tyler was called The Accidental President because he was the first to succeed to the office following the death of a predecessor and... he had 15 children!

Lone Rider In 1777, Sybil Ludington, a 16-year-old woman, rode her horse from New York to Connecticut to rally her father's militia. She rode 40 miles, more than twice the distance of Paul Revere, into the damp hours of darkness. This is especially remarkable because modern day endurance horse riders using lightweight saddles can barely ride such distances in daylight over well-marked courses.

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Free Pass

If large elephants have trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

Submitted by Jimbo

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs.

The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated, "Angus MacLeod.

Scotland. Shot-put."

He opened his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacLeod. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabbed a small tree sapling, stripped off the limbs and roots, walked up the registration table and stated, "Chuck Wagon.

Canada. Javelin."

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" (continued on next page)

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.

Assisted Home Care A Private Pay Agency

(continued from previous page)

The second guy grabbed a street utility manhole cover, walked up the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes.

Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

Assisted Home Care is affordable, dependable care for families who want to keep their family members in their homes.

We provide Certified Nurse’s Assistants, Companions, Personal Attendants, LPNs and RNs. We have someone on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, so you are never alone.

We offer home care for Alzheimer’s clients, dementia, patients recovering from surgery, and even new mothers.

Our staff helps with housekeeping and companionship, meals, and even outside chores like lawn mowing, snow removal, raking and repairs.

Once you call Assisted Home Care, we can provide services in as little as 4 hours.

Home C d e t s are si s A 550 College St., Lewiston

783-7375

We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

They scampered in, but suddenly realized the third guy was missing. They groaned, "OH NO." He's a goober. They forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They then spotted him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

A kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help.

A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

Don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

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Coffee like Mud I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet.

"Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my coworker said. "She says the coffee tastes like mud."

I can handle pain until it hurts.

FROM STONE DUST TO ROC

St. Laurent & Son is pleased to announce the acquisition of the former Glen Dube Gra located less than a half mile from the Maine Turnpike. The gravel pit now has a la Pick up and delivery are availa

"Well, it should," the doctor quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning."

The army comic strip "Beetle Bailey" first premiered on September 4, 1950. In the August 27, 2001, comic strip, Sarge says that Beetle's birthday is September 4, 5, and 6, because he moves so slowly he needs three days to celebrate.

Locally owned and operated since 1970!

In 1999, a 165-year-old silver dollar minted as a gift for the Sultan of Muscat sold for a record $4.14 million at auction (the previous record for a rare coin had been $1.8 million).

The coin, in collecting circles, is known as the Mona Lisa.

In 1967, Sally Fields starred as The Flying Nun on ABC-TV. She flew for three years, until April 3, 1970. In 2002, TV Guide named it one of the 50 worst TV shows of all time.

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20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

784-7944

www.stlaurentandson.com Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.

No matter where you go, you're there.

CK, WE HAVE IT IN STOCK!

avel Pit located at 168 Middle Road (Rt. 9) in Sabattus. The gravel pit is conveniently arge scale crushing/processing operation and offers a wide variety of aggregates. able. Call our office for pricing.

Did you hear about the woman whose kids were giving her a headache?

She was fine once she followed the directions on the bottle of aspirin.

She didn't swallow two aspirins, she just followed the directions to "Keep away from children."

Tax Forms The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.

The Statue of Liberty, a gift from France and designed by sculptor Frederic Bartholdi, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland in 1886. It was originally named Liberty Enlightening the World.

Deep Stuff In 1960, Piccard and Walsh, in the bathyscaphe Trieste, reached the bottom of the Mariana Trench, Challenger Deep, the deepest region of the Pacific Ocean as well as the deepest point known to exist on earth, 35,800 feet below the surface of the ocean.

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe. I have no objections - I let her talk.

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The more you say, the less people remember.

COME ON DOWN!

You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!

To Poland Regional High School’s Class of 2012 Project Graduation Fundraiser

Advance tickets are only $6 each.

Available at PRHS, Elm Street School, Minot Consolidated School, Poland Community School, Mechanic Falls Town Office & Minot Town Office.

Tickets $10 each at the door.

Bola Tie Vic Cedarstaff of Wickenburg, Arizona has been credited with the accidental invention of the bola tie. As the story goes, one day while riding his horse, Cedarstaff's hat blew off but the leather hatband slipped down around his neck. He left it on and a friend remarked that it looked nice. Soon thereafter, a replication of his original bola appeared on Arizona maps. The name comes from the bola, a device used by South American cowboys to rope cattle, because the rope device and the tie resemble each other.

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Date: Saturday March 3, 2012 Place: Poland Regional High School Time: Silent Auction begins at 5:00pm

Show begins at 6:00pm Don’t miss this fun filled event with fabulous prizes and showcases.

Project Graduation is in need of donations. To schedule a pick up of your donation, contact Doreen Seeley @ 740-6461 or Lori McDonald @ 754-2989.

Donations may also be dropped off at Poland Regional High School.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

See locals Peter Ford as Bob Barker & Dana Lee as Rod Roddy

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

CAPTION CONTEST

Uncle Andy’s Digest ran a caption contest on its Facebook page.

We asked for fans to enter their funny comments about the photo to the left.

We said the funniest clean submission would get credit in the Digest plus win a pair of lift tickets to Lost Valley in Auburn.

We had some great response!

And, boy, it was a tough choice...

This month’s winner in our caption contest was: KEITH PRAY His caption was, “Wow, the anesthesia can really mess with your mind...”

Like us on Facebook and take part in next month’s Caption Contest! You could win fabulous prizes!!

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Telephone Attendant

18th Annual Presidents’ Car Sale

When using the first pay telephone, a caller did not deposit coins in the machine. He or she gave them to an attendant who stood next to the telephone. Coin telephones did not appear until 1899.

February 13th thru February 29th, 2012 Looking to refinance an existing loan you have with another institution to Rainbow FCU? Or are you in the market to purchase a new or used auto?

Then this car sale is for you!

Don’t miss out on this GREAT RATE!!

Visit one of our 4 locations during Feb. 13-29 to obtain this special rate.

Maximum term 60 months • Year & mileage determine length of term Please note all branches will be closed on Monday, February 20.

4 conveniently located branches to better serve YOU! Rainbow FCU Main Office 381-391 Main St. Lewiston 784-5453

Auburn Office 20 Washington St., Auburn 207-883-0351

Mechanic Falls Branch South Paris Branch 1 Lewiston Street, McFalls 172 Pine Street, So. Paris 346-3001 743-5410

Member Eligibility is required • We are federally insured by the NCUA

Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

Ever wonder what Santa Claus is up to this time of year?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings.

And I HATE people like that!

S.O.S. Pads As World War I raged through Europe in 1917, Ed Cox of San Francisco invented a pre-soaped pad with which to clean pots.

His wife named it S.O.S., which, as the story goes, stood for ʻSave Our Saucepans.ʼ

Arch Supports Arch supports were invented by Konrad Birkenstock in 1897.

He designed shoes that followed the shape of the foot so that comfort would increase.

The basic design revolutionized the footwear industry.

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"

– Dave Barry Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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www.UncleAndys.com

Check out our all new website!

Cinderella would be bad at football. Her coach was a pumpkin.

Your Concept...

...Our Design

Why not use your INCOME TAX RETURN and SAVE BIG! 10’x12’ Oak Kitchen with countertop .......$1,99999 10’x12’ Birch Kitchen with countertop .....$2,09999 1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

897-3400 or 1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston

784-3100

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

If we’re not gonna have a winter...

Bring on the Dog Days of Summer!

Many arguments have two sides, but no end.

Mother, having finally tucked a small boy into bed after an unusually trying day: Well, I've worked today from son-up to son-down!

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

Bucket Seat U.S. Patent #D219,584 was issued in 1970 to veteran movie actor Steve McQueen. He was famous not only for his movies but also for racing cars and working on engines offcamera as well. A byproduct of his racing hobby was the invention of a bucket seat.

"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that."

– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe In 1792, the great composer Ludwig von Beethoven (then age 22) received his first music composition lesson from composer Franz Joseph Haydn.

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

Porter

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Nessie

Boo

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

Since 1978, at least 37 people have died as a result of shaking vending machines, in an attempt to get free merchandise. More than 100 have been injured.

"There are no easy answers but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right."

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

– Ronald Reagan

He who sleeps on bed of nails, is indeed a holy man.

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Share & Share Alike Though Frederick Banting and Charles Best were co-discovers of insulin, only Banting was officially recognized for the Nobel Prize in medicine in 1923. He shared his winnings with Best, though.

God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant... The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs... For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.

In 1841, the slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court.

A rebellion broke out when the schooner, traveling along the coast of Cuba, was taken over by a group of captives who had earlier been kidnapped in Africa and sold into slavery. The slaves were defended by former president John Quincy Adams.

The North Atlantic Deep Water Current is an oceanic "river" that carries twenty times more water than all the rivers of the world put together.

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Miners with illuminated helmets will feel lightheaded.

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

20% OFF all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks

Large Selection of Fenton Glassware!

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE! 20% - 75% OFF

Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

Confucius say: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Confucius say: Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!

r webGo to ou info ale site for s

hallimplementco.com

Helen Hunt, awardwinning co-star of the TV sitcom Mad About You, appeared on the Mary Tyler Moore Show when she was 7 years old as the daughter of Murray Slaughter, played by Gavin MacLeod.

SALE OVER Green Fever Sale ends 2/29/12

50 YEARS

HALL IMPLEMENT CO. Jct. 202 & 302 at the rotary - Windham

892-6894

Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 Sat. 7:30-12:00

It's easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is much better at the top.

– Arnold Bennet A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" to which I replied, "Scissors" and drove away.

Spike showing off his new touch screen computer monitor

"The things that will destroy America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead of duty first, love of soft living, and the get-richquick theory of life."

– Theodore Roosevelt "The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

– Carl Sagan In 1922, Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon became the first to enter the tomb of King Tutankhamen since it was sealed in 1323 B.C. "There's always going to be bad stuff out there. But here's the amazing thing -light trumps darkness, every time. You stick a candle into the dark, but you can't stick the dark into the light."

– Jodi Picoult Confucius say: He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.

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Ronald McDonald During the 1966 telecast of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Ronald McDonald, the fast-food chain's new mascot, made his firstever national television appearance. A hot air balloon of Ronald appeared in the 1987 parade.

Trivia?

I can sizzle like bacon, I am made with an egg, I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg, I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole, I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole. What am I? Answer: A Snake

Life Magazine In 1936, the first issue of LIFE magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret BourkeWhite, featured the Fort Peck Dam. Trivia fans: LIFE Magazine was originally a humor magazine founded by Harvard alumni in 1883.

"Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones."

– Benjamin Franklin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Confucius say: He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver.

LARGEST ASSAULT WEAPON SELECTION From AK’s to AR-15’s AK-47

AK-47 Bullpup

AK-74

AMD-65

AR-15

FNL PS-90

Many more to choose from!

Stop by for expert advice & knowledge and a huge selection of firearms & related accessories!

We Buy - Sell - Trade Rt. 4 in Turner • Just past Twitchell’s Airport • 225-3432 • www.G3Firearms.com

My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

Check out the details of the Caption Contest happening on the Uncle Andy’s Facebook page. See details on page 82.

If you’re not already a fan of Uncle Andy’s Digest on Facebook, go there right now and click “LIKE!”

Maine Family Credit Union recognizes Hildebrand

(l to r): Steven Hildebrand, Ronald Bissonnette (Chairman of the Board) & Rachel Caron (CEO) Steve Hildebrand celebrates one year of service with Maine Family Federal Credit Union Steve, Director of Marketing and Business Development of Maine Family FCU was honored by the staff and Board of Directors for one year of service to Maine Family during a ceremony held recently.

Confucius say: He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

Confucius say: Geometry teacher who loses parrot, will have polygon.

Perfect Image Salon & Spa adds a L.M.T.

Top prices paid for gold, silver, diamonds, jewelry & coins!!

“Friends tell friends about us!”

Come see us at

our

NEW LOCATION at 33 Center St

Ashlee Mclaughlin,

reet in Auburn!

• Family owned and operated • In-house repairs • Guaranteed lowest prices on new & estate jewelry

33 Center Street in Auburn

782-7575 Mon - Wed - Sat 9am - 5pm; Thur - Fri 9am - 6pm

Confucius say: Newscaster who reports hurricanes, knows how to talk up a storm.

Auburn Flea Market opens

Dylan & Al Mackey

Meet 16 year old Dylan Mackey. With the help of his dad, Allan Mackey, AUBURN FLEA MARKET was born. As a junior in high school, he somehow finds the time to run a business, too. Theyʼre located on Minot Avenue in Auburn.

Underneath Affordable Office Solutions in the old Barn building, across from Mechanics Savings Bank.

Just recently opening, they already have over 10,000 square feet of deals! Youʼll be surprised what treasures you might find! Things like Scentsy products, tools, tie-dye T-shirts, Jewelry, DVDs, CDs, Records, Books, Clothing, Antiques, Hand-crafted Items, Avon collectibles and much, much more! Stop by and find out for yourself!

If youʼd like to rent booth space, they have spaces available. Vendors are welcome! Booth rental is only $25 per weekend. Call Dylan at 689-1904 for more information.

The flea market is open Friday, Saturday and Sunday 9am - 5pm.

I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

a Licensed Massage Therapist from Brunswick, has joined the staff of Perfect Image Salon & Spa in Auburn.

Ms. Mclaughlin is a graduate of Intercoast Career Institute & The National Massage Therapy Center in Delaware where studied deep tissue massage, reflexology and prenatal massage. If anyone is suffering from chronic allergies, digestive problems, stuffiness in their sinuses or if they may be looking to kick start labor, then consider making an appointment with Ashlee for a massage. She is accepting clients by appointment only on Tuesday, Wednesday, Fridays & Saturdays.

Perfect Image Salon & Spa is a Full Service Hair Salon & Day Spa offering full hair services & product sales, facials, waxing, manicures, pedicures and massage therapy. They are located at 336 Center Street in Auburn in the Harvard Mall. Call today to make an appointment or for more information, 777-1611.

See their ad on page 55.

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CALL THE EXPERTS I told you to call Home Improvement Services!

Don’t take the chance! It’s a lot cheaper to pay the pros to shovel your roof than the hospital bills like this guy!

G.I. Rick

Commercial or Residential

Roof Shoveling Sanding • Plowing

784-8922 For All General Home Repairs & Improvements

HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES Carpentry • Plumbing Flooring • Painting • Plowing & much more!

Call us today for a FREE quote!

To make a long story short, don't tell it!

ICE FISHING HEADQUARTERS! Since 1877

Monuments & Markers Cemetery Lettering & Cleaning

David J. Pratt

Live Bait • Traps • Augers • Bait Buckets and MORE! WE HAVE SNOWSHOES & PACK BASKETS!

Tailfeathers is the outdoor sportsman’s favorite toy store!

Over 30 years experience

Bolster Monumental Works 1278 Main Street, Oxford • 743-2673

1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030

Visit us online:

myselco.com

NOT ALL FUEL OIL IS CREATED EQUAL! Our Premium Green Guard Fuel provides...

Superior performance & protection • Prevents sludge in fuel line and filter Reduces your annual maintenance costs.

FMI call or visit www.murrayoil.com

WOOD & PELLET STOVES

ON SALE NOW

1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

Phone: (207) 225-3000 • Toll-Free: (800) 491-7888

www.murrayoil.com • murray@murrayoil.com

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

Support local business...

Use our advertisers!

The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

FEBRUARY 2012

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Trivia

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

Your choice: Pool or Hot Tub for only $3,995 Pool includes: Full print liner • Sta-rite Pump/Filter system A-frame ladder • Maintenance kit

5-Person Hot Tub 24 jets provide the ultimate therapy experience Wide neck collar w/deep seats for a relaxing soak

Answer: The letter M

Good Acting A woman was asked by the well-known and popular television program "Americaʼs Most Wanted," to act the part of a vicious arsonist. She was an experienced actress, so she gladly accepted the part. The day after the program was aired, two New Jersey police officers walked passed the woman. One stopped, came back and said, "Youʼre the lady that was on 'Americaʼs Most Wanted' last night!"

She smiled at the thought of being recognized in public. The officers arrested her.

We’ll Keep your er.

Head Above Wat

386 Minot Ave. Auburn • 782-7532 • osbornesoasis.com

Spend your tax refund with us and SAVE!!

Translation for:

MEOW! I gotta go bad and they put the seat down!

Lack of Evidence In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was arrested on a charge that he stole a neighbor's pig. His attorney maintained that he was innocent and filed that the case be dismissed through lack of evidence. The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack Pettit then thanked the judge and asked, "But do I have to give back the pig?"

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You'll Laugh

You'll Learn

With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. and media stars and they still come back for more.

Add comedians Tony Powell and Rob Combine that with our award winning local news Bartlett, starting your day is more fun. and your mornings are complete.

L-A’s WEZR RADIO

1240

Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM

Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn't had a suit.

➢ UNCLE ANDY’S CLASSIFIED ADS ➢ Automotive

Construction

Accountants

Hair Salons

Mike Morinʼs Auto Center Free shuttle with all repair work 1122 Center Street, Auburn 753-0433

CARPENTRY - WINDOWS Doors, Decks and Remodeling Fully Insured Call Gary @ 754-9017

Accurate Accounting Tax Returns, Payroll & More 922 Sabattus St., Lewiston 777-7005

Urban Edge Hair Studio

Victory Lane $5 OFF Oil Change 828 Minot Ave, Auburn 795-8983

Dickʼs Construction Building / Roofing / Remodeling and Repairs. House Jacking.

225-3410 or 754-3410

Austin Associates Accounting, Audit, Tax, Bookkeeping, Business Advisors 783-9111

Emerson Toyota Your next vehicle is here!

990 Center Street, Auburn 784-1348 Donovanʼs Auto Sales 50 great vehicles to choose from.

267 Rt. 202, Greene 800-811-8856 Cameron Tire Buy 2 tires, get free oil change 60 Minot Ave, Auburn 782-6666 Sound Effects Car audio & remote starters 216 Center St, Auburn 777-3339 1998 Coachman Catalina 27ʼ Rear bedroom, new floors, new full length awning, good condition Call Denis @ 576-9365 Lake City Exports L/Aʼs premiere pre-owned lot 867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033 Donovanʼs Auto Sales 50 vehicles in stock Rt. 202, Greene, 753-0433 Donovansauto.com

Check out the Back Forty

m

co

. ota

oy nT

Em

o ers

New & Used

St. Laurent & Sons Stone Dust to Rock, we have it in stock!

We Deliver.

Call 784-7944 or order online at stlaurentandson.com 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Remodeling

RCC Business Services Financial & Advisory Services for small businesses.

Quickbooks consulting, MaineCare billing & more!

143 First Flight Drive, Auburn 795-0663

)Health Affiliates Maine♦ Sharing a journey to wellness Locations statewide, accepting all insurances 1-877-888-4304

Taylor Brook Dental Accepting New Patients Cosmetic & Preventative Dentistry

Sherm Arnolds Huge Flooring Sale Carpet, Laminate, Ceramic Tile 550 Lisbon St., Lewiston Call 782-0831 Electrical Systems of Maine Your local GENERAC Generator dealer.

Portable units available.

Full installation available!

Call 783-7126 FMI 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn

27 Millett Drive, Auburn 784-1577

Plowing Services

JMAR Plowing Tired of shoveling?

Call today for a free quote!

Serving McFalls, Minot & Poland 576-4844

Uncle Andyʼs Digest Classified advertising

It doesnʼt get any more affordable!

Call us today for more info @

783-7039 or email:

editor@UncleAndys.com

Advertise your business or service in our classified section.

Call Uncle Andyʼs Digest office right now at 783-7039 to find out more!

Health

Kitchen Solutions 10ʼ x 12ʼ Oak Kitchen with countertop only $1,999.

Call 897-3400 FMI

General

Snow Removal Commercial Lots, Parking Lots & Residential Also plowing, sanding & salting AFFORDABLE PLOWING SERVICES 754-6951

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.

www.UncleAndys.com

New Major Automotive Winterize your vehicle. Only $45 250 Broad Street, Auburn 783-4933

Timber-Built Construction New home construction, Sunrooms, Garages 753-9887 or 576-8528

1117 Center St., Auburn 784-3522 www.urbanedgehairstudio.com

Check out our all new website!

Johnʼs Autobody Free Towing with all collision work 1887 Federal Road, Livermore 320-2125

Gift Certificates - Buy one, second one 50% OFF

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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OUT ʼN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE

Pride, commitment, teamwork; Words we use to get you to work for free.

• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

Good day Digesters and welcome to February during a leap year! Keep your shirt on and sit back down! No need to get that excited, Valentine’s Day still falls on the 14th so make sure you have your reservations at DaVinci’s for a romantic night of wining, dining and cheesy one-lining! You can make reservations online at www.davinciseatery.com and if you get lost finding the Bates Mill, the lucky lady or gentleman shouldn’t bother wasting their time on a chowder head such as yourself.

Now as for me I am officially asking all of you loyal Digesters to be my Valentine this year. I figure if I ask such a vast population the probability of one of you accepting my offer has got to surely be in my favor. So if you do accept my offer, be on the lookout in the mail for one of those little boxes of chalky heart shaped candies that taste like Maalox tablets. Now to be truthful I may or may not have eaten most of all of them from a few of the boxes, but you won’t know that until they arrive in the mail. Also don’t hold your breath, I’m a lousy Valentine and, now that I think of it, I proba-

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

Get it GONE NOW!!

Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away…

This is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs

Farrell Enterprises Over 65?

Ask about senior discounts.

Fully Insured • Call for FREE Quote!

782-5300 or 576-2501

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

(continued on next page)

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I pretend to work; They pretend to pay me.

(continued from previous page)

A speech is like a bicycle wheel; the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

bly won’t ever get around to mailing them.

Your Miami Mike is not completely selfish… I had the thought to send all you Digesters some Valentine’s Day candy on this special Leap year but then when I was notified

by Austin Associates that I could not write off the pallet of candy I purchased to give to you Digesters as a charitable donation, I figured I would just eat them all.

Learn from my mistake Digesters, call up Austin Associates for all your tax preparation needs before you get the notion you have even a clue about filing taxes, other than the fact you have to get it done before April 15.

Digesters, I want to give a special Happy Valentine’s Day to the #1 Miami Mike Uncle Andy’s Digester Tara Belanger!!!

She was the first Digester to follow me on twitter!!!

You can follow me too @ UADMiamiMike!! Adios Digesters hasta el proximo mes!

Get Smart

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

Uncle Andy wonders how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

John D. Smart of St. Louis Missouri, sustained two broken legs after smashing the window of a stereo shop using a manhole cover from the sidewalk in front of the store. As he backed away from the window to admire his handiwork. Smart fell down the manhole.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Confucius say: Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

5-year/ 100,000 mile warranty on any of these vehicles!

to our customers for 3 great years in business!

We look forward to many more!!

Colin Dube, son of Derek Dube, Lake City Exports Owner

NOTHING BEATS A

HAND CAR WASH...

PERIOD!

2005 Dodge Dakota Laramie, Crew Cab, 85k

2005 Chevy Tahoe LT, 4x4, Tow Pkg, 3rd Row, CD Changer

$12,990

$13,990

2006 Toyota Tacoma, 6 cyl, Auto, Crew Cab

2006 Ford Expedition Eddie Bauer, Loaded, 3rd Row, DVD, 4x4

$17,990

$15,490

2006 Dodge Ram 1500 SLT HEMI, 8 cyl, 4x4, DVD, Ext. Cab

2007 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited X, 4 Door, Hardtop, 85k

$14,990

$16,490

• Full Reconditioning • Hand Car Wash & Wax • Interior Cleaning • Dualies, Denalis & Plow Trucks welcome We take pride in your ride!

Steve Dubois Owner

865 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 333-3004 liquidsunshinecarwash.com Hours: Thurs & Fri 8:30am - 5:30pm Sat 7:30am - 4pm

867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Confucius say: Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

& Jimbo

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