Uad january 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

The Most Unusual Digest in America!

Voted best International Restaurant AND Best Sushi Restaurant by Market Surveys of America

FREE

January 2014

We want to THANK YOU for your support this past year!

Best wishes in

Japanese Cuisine

40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 www.sea40me.com

Armandsab@aol.com

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

– Zach Galifianakis

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA January 2014 Saturday, Jan 4th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper 4 – 6:30pm (Chapter 12907) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston $5 Member; $6 Guest Thursday Jan 9th Lewiston Mandarin 11:30 – 1 pm (Chapter 10589) Sabattus St, Lewiston $5 Member; $5.50 Guest Sunday, Jan 12th KC Breakfast 8 – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 M; $5 G; Child / 10 free Tuesday, Jan 14th Luiggi’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 67 Sabattus St., Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Saturday, Jan 18th KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 5pm (Chapter 14346) 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, Jan 21st Roy’s Breakfast 7 – 10am (Chapter 12749) 5 Washington St. Auburn $2 Member; $2.50 Guest Tuesday, Jan 28th Pizza Hut 11:30am – 1 pm (Chapter 10929) Rt 26 Oxford $5 Person Wednesday, Jan 29th Schemengee’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 14437) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $7.50 Member; $8.50 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays).

Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO Without Change there would be no butterflies

UNCLE ANDY Without Change you can’t make Change for a dollar

MAGGIE Only wet babies like Change

MARTY Vehicle Change

TOM What Changed?

PAM Life is constant Change

CRYSTAL Liking her career Change

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

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“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

January Submitted by Thomas Hill

T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing would fit me, not even a blouse; The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste, at the holiday parties had gone to my waist; When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared. The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONE’S BUDGET!

995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100

Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops

Bruce

Quartz Counter tops starting at $54.99/ LF Installed!

Stacy

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com “When I told my mom I wanted to grow up and become a comedian, she said you cant do both” – Jimmy Carr

The wine and the rum balls; the bread and the cheese, and the way I'd never said, "No thank you, but please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt, and prepared once again to do battle with dirt, I said to myself, as only I can, "You can't spend the whole winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, 'til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick. I'll want (continued on next page)

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only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second” – Steven Wright

Discounted towing w/ shop repairs

Happy New Year!

Thanks for your patronage in 2013!

Auto Repair

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore, But isn't that what January is for?

Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More

Body Work Collision Repairs Complete Re-sprays Custom Paint & More

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

– Author Unknown

Towing available 24/7 845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500

I must go... my people need me!

Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille in Auburn

Stop in and say hello!

Caitlyn & Trish I got in a fight one time with a really big guy.

See their ad on page 14.

Sell Gold & Silver Buy Lead & Guns Prep NOW!

He said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”

I said, “You’ll be sorry.”

He said, “Oh, yeah!?

Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

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Roger Caldwell

481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm “You ever look for the remote control and can’t find it, so you just decide...

“Ah, looks like I’m not watching TV?” – James Gaffigan

This shirt is dry clean only, which means it is dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg

Heavenly Rewards Submitted by Jimbo

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Pirate Logic: An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates. — Brandon Specktor

WELCOME TO THE TEAM Maine Oxy, New England’s leading supplier of industrial & specialty gases, welding and safety supplies, is proud to welcome Ron Eugley to the team. He will be part of the technical sales support team.

Ron brings over 40 years of industry experience with him into this position. Previously holding positions in outside sales in central & coastal Maine, in addition to inside sales and customer service including technical support.

James Richards, retail store manager reflected on Ron’s character, “Ron brings a vast knowledge of all aspects of our industry. Everyone is very excited that Ron is joining the Maine Oxy technical customer support team.”

Ron is highly trained in all aspects of the industry including: Welding Supplies & Industrial gases; certifications include American Welding Society (AWS), and has attended leading training schools including Miller & Lincoln. Welcome to the team, Ron!

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years."

Ron Eugley

22 Albiston Way, Auburn

www.maineoxy.com

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

784-5788 1-800-377-9433

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. — Joan Rivers

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, (continued on next page)

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and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.

How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Maine Winter Submitted by Thomas Hill

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern Maine from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and the years first snow came early and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One December night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut. — Lewis Black

Counseling Services Accepting New Clients All Ages, families & Veterans Welcome Andy Jarman, LCPC

624-1132

Trauma counseling through EMDR & DBT

1288 Roosevelt Trail • Ste 5B (back of building) • Raymond

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

Cathy

Tony D.

Ron Tony G.

353-9862

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon qualitycareautorepair.com

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. — George Carlin

See Us For All Your Fabric & Metal Fabrication From repairs to large projects! We can do it!

• Canvas • Upholstery • Metal Fabrication

• Residential/Commercial Awnings

Canvas & Upholstery 41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

783-5600 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Why do writers constantly feel cold? Because they're surrounded by drafts.

From Our Family to Yours...

Happy New Year!

FREE

COFFEE FRIDAY!

We look forward to serving you in 2014!

Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

It’s not too early to book your spring and summer events!

Weddings • Summer Parties Reunions Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!

Dad’s Catering Division 345-9009

DadsPlace.info

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

Out ’n About at the Auburn Exchange Club’s Christmas Party

It is memory that enables a person to gather roses in January.

I absolutely LOVE Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Shawn Holt

There are two season diversions that can ease the bite of any winter.

One is the January thaw. The other is the seed catalogues. – Hal Borland

Out ’n About at the Auburn Exchange Club’s Christmas Party

Mike Reid

Happy New Year from JT Reid’s!

Kelsey, John, Shannon & Mike Stephen Adamson Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Uncle Andy

Why aren’t unripened oranges called greens?

Mike Morin’s

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

Out ’n About with the Pink Feather Foundation The Pink Feather Foundation recently teamed up with the Tyrian Lodge of Mechanic Falls and assembled 18 Thanksgiving Baskets! 49 Families fed to date! Find the PFF on Facebook to learn more.

autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

Happy New Year!

LIKE us on Facebook Receive

$10.00

OIL CHANGE

Discount!

$24.95 Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles

Mike Morin

(Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95 If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Your 2014 marketing plan needs to include the magazine you’re reading right now. Their popularity is undeniable. The long term advertisers mean a lot!

Give the marketing pros a at Uncle Andy’s Digest a call today!

Will Sullivan

Robin & Marley Sullivan I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

Call Uncle Andy’s Digest TODAY at 783-7039 Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

– Demetri Martin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

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Out ’n About at the Auburn Exchange Club’s Christmas Party

On average, January 19th is the coldest day in the northern hemisphere.

2011 Toyota Tacoma

2009 Chevrolet Traverse

2011 Toyota Sienna

2013 Chevrolet Equinox

Silver, 2.7L 4cyl.

Manual 5 spd, 28k

Gray, 3.6L V6, Auto, FWD, 65k

Silver,3.5L V6, Auto.

6spd., 62k

Black, 2.4L 4cyl., Auto., AWD, 18k

our price

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$20,995

$27,995

Rollie Heckethorn

$21,995 $15,995 2011 Toyota Rav 4

2012 Ford Focus

2009 Toyota Venza

2009 Honda Odessey

Blizzard Pearl, 2.5L 4cyl, Auto, 4WD, 47k

Blue Candy Metallic, 2.0L 4cyl., Auto., 57k

Gree, 3.5L V6, Auto 6 spd., AWD, 49k

3.5L V6, Auto., FWD minivan, 73k

our price

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$21,995

$13,995

$19,995

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Chris Bellevue

John Higgins Narcissists are people filled with self-pretty.

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It takes 3,000lbs of pressure to compress each Pez candy into a brick-shaped block.

It is illegal in most countries to wash eggs before selling them to the public.

In the U.S. it's illegal not to wash them.

2009 Toyota Yaris

2011 Toyota Camry

2010 Nissan Maxima

Out ’n About at the Auburn Exchange Club’s Christmas Party

2013 Chevrolet Tahoe

Harry Dixon WWII Veteran

Red, 1.5L 4cyl., Manual 5 spd., 51k

Sandy Beach Metallic, 2.5L 4cyl., 17k

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

Silver, 5.3L V8, 6 speed, 4WD, 10k

our price

our price

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our price

$8,995

$15,995

$20,995

$39,888

2012 Dodge Avenger SE

2011 Toyota Camry SE

2010 Toyota Prius

2012 Chevrolet Cruze 2LT Michelle Higgins

Redline 2 coat Pearl, 2.4L 4cyl, Auto., 37k

Cosmic Gray Mica, 2.5L 4cyl., 18k

Silver, 1.8L 4cyl., Hybrid, 44k

White, 1.4L 4cyl., Auto. 6 speed, 45k

our price

our price

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$15,995

$19,595

$17,495

$13,995 Kate Hiss YMCA Childcare Director

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

If you’re like me, and I know I am...

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Weather Man

How come birds aren't tickled by feathers?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2013/14 was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

In truth, neither of them had any idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.

“Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,” the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update.

“Are you still forecasting a cold winter?” he asked.

“Yes, very cold,” the weather officer told him.

As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of (continued on next page)

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WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

New Menu for January!

• Homemade Baxter beer battered onion rings •

Every Mon. Night $6.99 Burger Special w/ 2 sides

Mug Club starting in Jan. 21 Draft beers Buy $25 Gift Certificate and get $5 Extra in Firehouse Bucks

15% OFF your bill during any home Pirates Hockey Game!

Bring your ticket in before or after the game and receive

15% OFF!

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

e m o r d l o l Ro

of the Ho me e Co. Eng in er rg u b

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

Available for private parties

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7:30-10pm ts - Ages 20+ Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 7: g - All Skatin Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: ght 7:30 - 10 ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh pm 10 30 - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?

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Those who play poker in a snowstorm must carefully shovel their decks.

wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter.

“Yes,” he was told, “it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:

730 Center Street Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

The weatherman replied: “Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.”

Out ’n About at the Auburn Exchange Club’s Christmas Party

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

John & Shannon Reid JT Reid’s Gun Shop

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com Terry of Gippers As the winter snow turned into rain, Frosty began to realize that fame was sleeting.

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New VP at Great Falls Credit Union

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR Now Located @ 747 Minot Ave. • Auburn (Behind Fastenal Services)

Ken Roy Great Falls Regional FCU hired Kenneth J. Roy, of Lewiston as the new vice president. Roy has now been with the credit union for over six months. He graduated from Lewiston High School in 2007 and from Thomas College in Waterville with a Bachelor’s degree in Marketing Management and Master’s degree in Business Administration in 2012.

Roy is no stranger to credit unions. While attending Thomas, he worked as a teller at Maine State Credit Union on Capital Street in Augusta for five years. He has grown up in a “credit union family” his whole life making numerous connections along the way. In his spare time, Roy enjoys golfing, bowling, skiing and being with friends and family.

Great Falls FCU is a Central Maine based credit union proudly serving its members of Androscoggin County. Its mission is to offer its members quality financial products and services at affordable and competitive rates while maintaining financial stability. To learn more about Great Falls FCU, visit www.greatfallsfcu.com. See their ad on page 23.

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• Computer Diagnostics • Maine State Inspection Station • Brake Pads & Rotors

• Shocks & Struts • Oil Changes • Tires • Exhausts • $50/hr Labor Rate

A-Plus Auto Repair 747 Minot Ave. • Auburn

786-0522

Chance

The best way to keep a New Year’s resolution is to keep it to yourself.

Some Holiday fun at Pelletier’s Karate

Front Row: Laura Jacques, Rebecca Jacques, Courtney Caouette, Ariana Touchette-Ruiz, Michael Umayan, Emma Jacques; Second Row: Gabe Jacques, Maureen Jordan, Sensei Matt Vattaso, Kyle Almquist, Kayla Provencher, Jason Almquist, Tamia Wilson, Wyatt Giroux; Third Row: Tom Osgood, Robyn Holman, Jane Mitchell, Sensei Ferdinand Torres, Sensei Sadie Landry, Mike Bourget, John Horton, Per Almquist, Max Draper; Back Row: Mykul Rojas, Rob Peterson

People who do things without being told draw the most wages.

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

Out ’n About at the Dad’s Place Christmas Party at Mac’s Grill in Auburn

Kevin McBean & Vickki Rogers

34 Center St., Auburn

207.333.3069

YourBestSkinOfMaine.com At an 'all-you-can-eat' restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?

I find redemption everyday at Dad’s Redemption Center.

You can find it, too. Look on page 47.

WELCOME TO THE TEAM! Help us Welcome Kim Levesque to our Firm

See us for: Elder Law • Real Estate Law • Estate Planning • Personal Injury & More!

Contact us for your FREE Consultation!

The Law Offices of John Whalen, P.A.

I love to go shopping.

I love to freak out salespeople.

They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?”

207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston

Adam Downs

Attorney Levesque

Why is it a 'garage door opener', since it opens and closes the door?

Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

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Out ’n About at the Dad’s Place Christmas Party

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

at Mac’s Grill in Auburn

Adriana Stone

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others. – Jonathan Winters

Make sure you stay inside the lines...

Adam Tavares Reality TV shows seem to be a hot item right now.

I think I’ll start one of my own...

Counting Coin

Dave & Nina Stimson Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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My New Years resolution is 1080p

A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

New Hire at Kutters Korner

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto Kelly Dumont

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

BRAD, PENNY, RYAN, & STEVE

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives (Left)

Mike Bordick Former Baltimore Orioles Shortstop and Mainer.

Shown here holding an Uncle Andy’s Digest where his photo is on the cover as “Man of the Year” for 1997.

RAZOR RAY Former writer (music happenings) & distribution specialist for UAD.

Remote Heated Starters & Seats

216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry Parking in back of building

777-3339 www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Kutters Korner of Lewiston is pleased to announce the addition of Kelly Dumont to its team.

Dumont has been working as a stylist for almost nine years. She a graduate of Bernards School of Hair and she specializes in updos, foils, coloring, haircutting as well as manicures and pedicures.

Kelly would love to invite all previous clients and welcomes any new clients. She is willing to go above and beyond to make her schedule work with yours. Stop in to see Kelly at Kutters Korner Styling Salon, 14 Highland Spring Road in Lewiston. Call 776-4311 to make an appointment.

See their ad on page 45.

Good Genes?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?”

One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

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Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille in Auburn

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. – Chinese proverb

Our All-Star bartenders will keep you coming back for more!

Great Winter Specials going on NOW!

Erin Bryant & Colby Gilbert

Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. Erin Bryant, Colby Gilbert & Trish Dunn

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

McKenzie Roy Future all-star bartender Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?

What do birdies see when they faint?

AUTO BODY

Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille in Auburn Fire House Grille girls rocking Hearts of Hope

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING We are a professional collision repair and painting facility.

All work is guaranteed! Free estimates.

SNOW, SLEET, ICE...

WE’RE HERE FOR YOU!

Erin Bryant, Kathy Roy & Trish Dunn We’re pretty FIREed up to have you visit our HOUSE. Come try something off our GRILLE!

782-6515 1111 Center Street, Auburn ~ Next to Jim’s Auto Sales ~

Tasha Pelletier, Model

John Roy

Uncle Andy

LOVES Ice Fishing season...

For the Pun of it!

Manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets the eye.

– Submitted by Ron Hood

What do butterflies feel when they're in love?

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Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

FLOYD PATTERSON, RICK LACHAPELLE, MUHAMMAD ALI When this photo was taken, Rick LaChapelle vowed to become as famous as Muhammad Ali & Floyd Patterson. Problem is he wasn’t a boxer. He was a pretty good volleyball player back in the day. All his recent fame and fortune, we’re guessing, came with the popularity of reality TV shows like “Pawn Stars”. Rick owns Lewiston Pawn Shop (and others). We wonder if it’s because both the owner of the shop featured on “Pawn Stars” and the owner of Lewiston Pawn Shop have the same first name, Rick. Maybe he’ll tell us his secret?

TENNIS ANYONE? Nobody can beat me!

Back in 1997 Uncle Andy was a lot more flexible than he is today.

We’re thinking he’d end up in intensive care if he tried to bend backwards like this today.

He may have lost a step or three but he’d still rather play tennis than work and he usually does.

If you lose to him, you have to buy an ad.

If you beat him he’ll pay for your ad out of his own pocket.

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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.

Isn't that handy?

Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.

Out ’n About at the Dad’s Place Christmas Party at Mac’s Grill in Auburn

Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms Winter fun has begun...

Come see us for your winter fun loans!

Candace Frederick

Call Dane, Michele or Ken today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

Liz Callahan & Maverick Archer Check out the free coffee on Friday’s at Dad’s Place. See page 9.

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply

www.GreatFallsfcu.com If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.

Elwood & Debbie Strout Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

Our NEW expansion is now OPEN!

16 Beers on Tap!

O ur n ew HU GE

see! t s u m A

bar!

Come check it out!

Happy New Year from Mac’s Grill

20% OFF BURGERS Every Monday in January

Mac’s Grill

30% OFF All Draft Beers Every Monday in January

We can’t wait for you to see what we’ve done with the place!

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885 macsgrill.com

THE place to be for lunch or dinner any day of the week!

The larger the lake of knowledge the longer the shore of wonder.

Out ’n About at the Dad’s Place Christmas Party at Mac’s Grill in Auburn

Chuck Mundell & Jenn Boston It definitely feels good to let your hair down once in a while.

Cindy Noyes & Johnny Plourde

Reggie & Leslie Sweatt Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!” – Mitch Hedberg

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Jimbo UncleAndys.com 25

Out ’n About at the Dad’s Place Christmas Party

Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.

at Mac’s Grill in Auburn

Includes soup, 1/2 sandwich, choice of potato salad, coleslaw or chips, & pickle Locally Owned & Operated

600 Turner Street • Auburn heidisauburn.com Mark Vaillancourt Mark’s Magic Pick a card, any card...

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm

784-3434

The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my

god, how did that happen?"

The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my butt."

Out ’n About at Sarah Jeanne’s Christmas Party Mark shows Nina Stimpson a card trick.

Hey Becca, he showed me all of his secrets.

I think I’ll make this a career and make millions...

Sam Roy & Becca Ridlon Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Jane, Sarah, Jake & Ron Kyllonen For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. – Rodney Dangerfield

Unique Treasures

Bookkeeping Plus

See Us for Collectibles • Antiques • Vintage

QuickBooks Classes Offered Classy Elegance & Second Hand Treasures 32 Riverside Dr. • Auburn • 998-5525

Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Send us your photos!

We’ll get you published.

Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices!

Buying Single Items or Entire Estates!

386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com

Contact us at 783.7039, email us at editor@UncleAndys.com or visit us online

www.UncleAndys.com

Past 2 Present Furniture

GOT HEAT?? FREE winter Checkup With Ad

dbretonsuperclean@yahoo.com

Construction Clean-Up & Office Cleaning Property Maintenance • Painting • Reconditioning Hardwood Floors • Floor Stripping • Waxing & Buffing Pressure Wash Cleaning • Hood Cleaning • Window Cleaning

212-7003

No Job Too Big or Small

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. – Jeff Foxworthy

Insured

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Teddy Ballgame Submitted by Richard Collins

!n 1989, former Yankee pitching great, Lefty Gomez, was at a sports bar in San Francisco. A sports writer asked him, "Lefty, how do you think Ted Williams would do against today’s pitching?

Lefty thought and said, "Well, I think that he would hit about .310 with maybe 20 home runs. The writer was surprised at the low numbers.

"Lefty why so low?

Ted’s the greatest hitter of all time. And Lefty replied, "That’s true, but, don’t forget, Ted is 71 years old.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Rolly’s Diner is just the place for breakfast or lunch.

Good food & Great Service!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Jack Green of Auburn

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

A pun spun with a good yarn gets fabricated!

Lincoln Memorial Submitted by Thomas Hill

When my eight-yearold sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial.

There she saw a large block of text—273 words long—etched into the monument.

"What’s that?" she asked.

"Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address," I told her.

"If that’s his address, how does he get any mail?"

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By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

Out ’n About at Blackie’s

Front: Titi, Blackie & Jeanne Back: Nick, Mike, Matt, Zack & Cory People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

VOTED #1: Best Sports Pub & Best Burgers in L/A area!

Showing every game all season long... in HD! Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs!

Get your tickets NOW!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."

"You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest."

Happy New Year from all of us!

Private Super Bowl Party

Changing Species

Come in for a nice warm lunch. We’re open 7 Days a week!

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com January is here, with eyes that keenly glow, A frost-mailed warrior striding a shadowy steed of snow. – Edgar Fawcett

The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.

"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.

"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm.

"Now he thinks he’s an alligator."

A New Year Prayer For the Aging Submitted by Thomas Hill

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 29

Out ’n About at a Portland Pirates hockey game

“One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.” – Robert A. Heinlein

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark... You know what you’re doing but nobody else does!”

–– Jay Jay Conrad Conrad Levinson Levinson Guerrilla Guerrilla Marketing Marketing

Melissa Potter won a 4 pack of Portland Pirates tickets from Uncle Andy’s Digest. She entered her caption in a recent contest on our Facebook page.

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business and next thing you know they’ll be demanding a curtain call.

Melissa Potter & Richard Patrie enjoying the Pirates hockey game at the Lewiston Colisee.

Mom, can you win tickets again...

PLEASE!!

Kairo Potter & Travis Potter taking in the sights at the Lewiston Colisee.

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’s l Maine Centra pular o most p ion! at public

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com

Social m at it’s edia best!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! – Rodney Dangerfield

The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.

The Dream Submitted by Thomas Hill

Happy New Year We look forward to serving you in 2014!

The Vallee Family and whole team at the Village Inn wish to extend our sincere thankfulness to our commu-

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

nity for their continued support throughout the year.

We really appreciate our friends and our guests and we look forward to serving you all in the new year!

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package.

Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

It’s About Time Submitted by Thomas Hill

A few weeks? after the death of my father-inlaw, I found my sevenyear-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard.

"You know, Kyle," I said, "when we die, we’ll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."

Owners Michael & Belinda Vallee at The Village Inn concluded their 50th anniversary celebration (2013) by picking the winner of either an all expenses paid trip for two to Punta Cana or $500 in cash. Melanie Babb was the big winner and chose the cold hard cash!

When the investor came home from work he was spent.

With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have that long!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 31

Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 19th Y O U R V O T E S A R E I N

Best Chinese Restaurant:

Chopsticks

19

37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300

#1 Jeweler in the area: 600 Center St., Auburn • 784-6766

18

DINER

124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

16

14

LeGala Nail Salon

Lewiston

Best Pizza: 12

13

House of Pizza

95 Lincoln St., Lewiston • 786-2020

6

ORBIT HAIR 6 STYLING

Best Community Bank/Credit Union:

5

391 Main St., Lewiston • 784-5435

461 Rte. 202, Greene • 946-7302

Best Convenience Store:

5

484 Center St., Auburn • 622-1609

Best Chiropractor:

5

Dr. Gerald Nadeau

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104

Best Landscape Company:

11

Best Roofing Contractor:

78 Lisbon Rd., Lisbon • 353-4848

99 Spring St., Lewiston 784-1819

Best Pool & Spa Company:

Best Burger:

1975 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-0858

Rolly’s

Best Hair Salon:

Mary Jane’s School of Dance

730 Auburn Plaza Auburn • 786-7411

7

87 Mill Street Auburn 753-0171

Best Dance Studio:

Best Nail Salon:

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

Best Breakfast Place:

Best Auto Body Shop in the area: 1524 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-6121

Best Sports Pub:

8

Best Insurance Agency:

Champoux Insurance 150 East Ave., Lewiston • 783-2246

St. Hilaire 5 Contractors 4

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

7

Best Facial/Skin Care Salon:

4

Healthy Beauty 486 Sabattus St., Wellness Spa Lewiston • 333-3235

Market Surveys of America, an independent survey company, is proud t Best Businesses for 2013 Survey. The above winners are the result of public b

h

Annual Best Businesses for 2013 Best Eye Care Professionals:

Optometric Associates

Best Automotive Service:

4

Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole

Best Day Spa:

Best Contract Security Company:

3

71 East Ave., Lewiston 783-3321

86 Main St., Auburn • 800-292-4965

www.cassiels.com

Best Wait Staff:

2

Best Acupuncturist: 3

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

Best Hair Colorist:

ORBIT HAIR STYLING

124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

Best Massage Therapy: 2 650 Main St., Lewiston • 212-3305

75 Park St., Lewiston • 795-5000

Diane Ford

Best Boutique: 3

2

866 Main St., Lewiston • 754-3057

Best International Restaurant:

ANOTHER NEW DAY

1

40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

Best Sushi Restaurant: 40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

2

Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring:

Best Car Wash:

Japanese Cuisine

1

1

1103 Lisbon St., Lewiston 333-3655

2

Best Picture Framers:

2

12 Highland Spring Rd., Lewiston • 783-2016

Best Attorney: Jason Dionne

675 Main St., Lewiston 782-0831

2

101 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 407-2955

168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)

Japanese Cuisine

J&S Oil/Ultra Clean Car Wash

Best New Restaurant: 2

245 Center St., Auburn • 376-4295

191 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 333-3342

Paid for by Market Surveys of America

#

Indicates number of years as winner.

Vote online at: BESTOFSURVEYS.COM

1

Y O U R V O T E S A R E I N

to announce the winners of the 19th annual Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s ballots and internet voting for the Lewiston/Auburn small business community.

New Year's Resolutions

by Fido Submitted by Thomas Hill

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Happy New Year from all of us!

Daily Specials:

I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.

Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99 ........................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: BLT Bowl of (Chili $3.99) ......................................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza

I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.

BUY 1 LARGE PIZZA I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.

I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.

OOPS Submitted by Richard Collins

In 1974, the Consumer Product Safety Commission ordered 80,000 buttons promoting toy safety. They said "For Kids Safety, Think Toy Safety."

The buttons were recalled when the agency found out that they had "sharp edges, parts a child could swallow, and were coated with toxic lead paint."

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*equal or lesser value

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET

Try our fresh hot pizza today!

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

Not to be combined with any other special

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

✂

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

GET 1 FREE* UAD • Expires 1.31.14

Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.

Happy New Year!

The New Auburn Ice Arena is open, stop in & see us!

Join New Hours: after us before Closed Tuesday; Mon. Wed. Thurs 11am - 9pm any g or Fri. & Sat. 11am - 10pm; Sun. 12pm - 9pm ame!

10% OFF Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi 730 Center Street, Auburn • Auburn Plaza NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA

376-4855

jasminecafemaine.com Wire electrical jobs so fun?

Your entire bill (excluding alcohol)

Before or After any Hockey Game

✁Expires 1.31.14

UAD

My boss does not tolerate any beards or mustaches. He is a real shave driver.

WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food!

We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite.

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day!

Home of the Double Yolker

Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

Michael Taylor

Thomas Hill’s newest T-shirt. Problem is he wears it everyday. We’re trying to find a nice way to tell him to wash it once in a while. As you can see here, it’s standing all by itself.

Time to clean the floors.

of Oxford

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

He made a slow start in the sport of weightlifting but he picked it up eventually.

Surprise Submitted by Jimbo

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

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Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot. – Michael Altshuler

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Steve Helms of Helms Bros.

Steve has been a friend of UAD since the beginning. We just can’t stop staring at his great mustache.

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

Car accidents, no problem!

We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

– Doug Larson

Val LeCompte of Beal’s Laundry in Auburn.

Back in 1997 Val had to put up with Uncle Andy.

Today she deals with Jimbo. She’s not sure who she likes better.

Val was quoted, “I’ll just have to flip a coin...

Heads, Jimbo wins.

Tails, Uncle Andy loses.

Weight Loss I would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders.

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FUN AND FREE

Writt en and publi sh in 19 ed 97

Uncle Andy’s Digest is the best magazine in town I’m not just saying this, I’ve heard it around My friends told me that, “Uncle Andy’s is the place to be” My sister said, “Go ahead, Take one, It’s free!”

There’s great coupons, stories, and much more inside I know you’re thinking that they paid me to lie But, when Uncle Andy made me a poetress, he explained to me I would enjoy it more if I did it for free You can find great jokes and pictures too And like I said before, coupons all through For all the businesses that want to spread the word Uncle Andy’s Digest is no longer for nerds So advertise with Uncle Andy’s and you will see I’m not the only one who likes a magazine that’s free Uncle Andy’s Digest is not only the biggest, little magazine in town And you can quote me when I say, “It’s the best darn magazine around!!”

by Shelly Bradstreet

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.” ― Brad Paisley

Featuring

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

131Vendors Open

7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149

s Alway g n i y u B

500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

207-595-7774

INVENTORY REDUCTION

George Allen of Gagne & Son George has been around UAD since the beginning.

He’s helped Uncle Andy with all his rock wall formations, patio, etc.

Jimbo caught on and had George coach him on how to build a walkway.

George told a reliable source that Jimbo was a much better student. “I had to go do the work for Andy. Jimbo did the work himself.” Now Jimbo is second guessing himself, and realizes Uncle Andy might be the smarter one. Hmmm...

SALE!

20% - 75% OFF

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Free puppies: part German shepherd, part dog.

Bart Kelsea of Androscoggin Title Another long time friend and advertiser in UAD. Bart told Uncle Andy to get lost. Andy is still trying to find himself to this day.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

January 2014

UUncleAndys.com NCLE A NDYS . COM 37

Peppermint Candy

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Willow Tree Primitives

A week after Uncle Andy bought a bull, he complained to Jimbo, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

850 Main Street, Lewiston

754-8784

“Take him to the vet,” Jimbo suggested.

The next week, Uncle Andy is much happier.

“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told Jimbo.

“Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

www.willowtreeprimitiveshop.com Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm

Snowball fights

“What kind of pills were they?” asked Jimbo.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

are great winter fun!

Mature Fun Submitted by Thomas Hill

As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off. My seven-yearold grandson was awed.

“Wow!” yelled Casey.

“This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people.”

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783-7039

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711 or 1-800-339-0414

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette • Joline Waite

Check out our new website:

www.CummingsAgency.com

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

Family Friendly Dentist

Out ’n About at Sarah Jeanne’s Christmas Party

~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997

Accepting New Patients!

Lexie Ouellette & Cindy Chartier

James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122

Most Insurances Accepted

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Becky Fyfe Out ’n About at Sarah Jeanne’s Christmas Party

Amanda Fyfe Trivia Q: What are the names of the 7 Dwarfs?

Why don't ceramic cats come complete with synthetic hairballs?

A: Happy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Sneezy & Sleepy.

Tammy Klemanski, Sarah Kyllonen, Jessica Peterson & Jane Kyllonen

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Out ’n About at Sarah Jeanne’s Christmas Party

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

Pam & Dave Weed

Linda Marston

Tammy Caron & Diane Carney Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they do when they stick together.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Out ’n About at Sarah Jeanne’s Christmas Party I carry everything I need right in my little purse.

Jamie Bolduc Lever’s Daycare

Tammy & Mike Klemanski

The food was all very tasty.

Nose licking good!

Jake I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

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If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet? – Robin Alumbaugh

Old Time Bachelor Submitted by Jimbo

BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler Nobody pays higher prices than us! Stop by and find out for yourself!!

My job is to write you a big check!

When my lifelongbachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so old girlfriends.

“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.

“Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.”

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Wendy.

Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/better payout Starters & Alternators Catalytic Converters

Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap

Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire

Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators Starters • Motors • Pumps

Wendy bell works again I won’t have to knock anymore.

Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Paying TOP prices for computer scraps!

We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGE businesses with LARGE quantities!

Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes) Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. • Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r

Wendy who?

795-8887

I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this, the dog?

Age Difference Submitted by Jimbo

Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger.

Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we instinctively raised our cigarette lighters, like all good rock fans I grew up with. But looking around me, I noticed that times had indeed changed.

The mostly under-25 crowd was swaying to the upraised glow of their cell phones.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 43

Jimbo: This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

Don’t Stress in that Dress!

The most stressful part of planning your wedding is putting all the pieces together!

This is where R.V.E. comes in. We help walk you through the final stages of planning your dream wedding.

“Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark, you know what you’re doing but nobody else does.” – Guerrilla Marketing

Join all the other smart business owners you see in this magazine... you’ll be glad you did!

VISIT RachelVerrillEvents.com or Call 740-1409

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

New Stock of Wedding Dresses

• Lingerie size 0-6x • Women’s shoes • Jewelry

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

RMJ Collections

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston

320-1165 Hours: Wed.-Fri. 5:30-7:30 Sat. 10-6• Sun. 11-5

Coffee Stirrer

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).

Submitted by Jimbo

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

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Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives RANDY & GABRIEL JENNINGS

Kids at the YMCA Teen Center Question back in 1997: Show us what you'll be reading on a Friday night when you're all teenagers.

These kids are all 16 years older now. We wonder if they still enjoy the Digest as much as they did back in 1997. Our guess is they fans of the Digital edition and read our magazine online. If you know any of these people, let them know we’d like an updated photo of them!

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? – Steven Wright

My son has taken up meditation… at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing. – Max Kaufman

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives Bim Gibson, Laurie Newton, Michelle Cox & Noelle Coyne.

Where was this photo taken in 1997?

A) The Liberty Festival B) The Old Port Festival C) Uncle Andy’s back yard D) On the set of Little House on the Prairie Email your answer to editor@UncleAndys.com, if you guess correctly Uncle Andy will buy you an ice cream cone.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw

Wishing all our clients a Happy New Year!

Kutters Korner welcomes Kelly Dumont to the team!

$20 OFF All Chemical Services (For new clients only - with Kelly Dumont) Kelly Dumont

Kelly welcomes all previous clients & new clients!

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Hours: Tues. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Wed. 6am - 5pm Fri. 8:30am - 3pm Sat. 8am - 1pm

Ciabatta bread was invented in 1982.

Uncle Andy’s Digest...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 45

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

As of September 2013, the iPhone alone outsells Coca-Cola and McDonald's combined.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! The chicken liver at Cole Farms is excellent!

They have the BEST onion rings ever!

DAILY SPECIALS SUN. Baked Scallops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/maple dijon butter

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Joel Goodman

Pat Demers & Carol MacNeill

of Goodman Wiper

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A long time friend and advertiser in UAD. Joel told Jimbo one day when he was dropping off supplies at the UAD office that he and his sons only said yes to an ad with Uncle Andy because they felt sorry for him.

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Kevin Landry of Advanced MicroSystems

Kevin tried to teach Uncle Andy about the cyber world, but it was like beating his head against a brick wall.

Jimbo can relate as he’s beat his head against the same wall for many years.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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January 2014

783-7039

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On average, long distance runners live 5.7 years longer than non athletes.

NASA's launch pad has a hidden 200 foot slide ending in a rubber room. This was to evacuate staff in case of explosion.

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I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet. – Emo Phillips

Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn

Guest Engineer, young Matthew Blankenship

Chuck Bagley Railroad club member

The Lion King was originally called “King of the Jungle”, until the Disney team remembered that lions don’t live in the jungle.

Scuba Santa Steve

Uncle Andy’s Digest...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com U NCLE A NDYS . COM 47

Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn

"Selfie" has been named as 2013 word of the year by Oxford Dictionaries.

Discount Home Improvement Store Your New Year Home Improvement Project Starts HERE! • Donations always accepted (& tax deductible) • All Profits Support Our Ongoing Mission to eliminate substandard housing in Androscoggin & Oxford counties • Sponsorship Opportunities Available for your business • Pick up - Drop off

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According to Google Maps there is a road called Miley Cyrus Lane in Chennai, India.

Our parents always said to look both ways before crossing... I’ll look to the right.

Candi Gilpatric

It looks good to the left, Candi.

I love this team work stuff.

Connie Benwitz Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Some mushrooms can create their own breeze to disperse their spores.

TV’s Tom and Jerry were originally called Jasper and Jinx.

Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn

Collette & Maurice Fortin trimming the Christmas tree

Did you know that the Lionel Train Company was founded by Joshua Lionel Cowen in 1901?

All male LEGO minifigures wore hats until 1979 when the designers created the first hair pieces.

Impressive, young Daniel. Did you also know that it was one of the first two electric toys to be inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame

Daniel Malkowski & Bob Purington

Let’s help Candi look to the right...

Della & Wally Chase Kids in the U.S. see an average of 254 McDonalds ads each year.

Pre-school age kids see 208.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 49

Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza

The coldest place on Earth is in Antarctica and has been measured by satellite at minus 93.2 Celsius (-135.8F).

at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn I love lollipops!

Me, too!

Dennis Collins & guest Conductor Breayden Brown at your service.

Everyone admired Breayden Brown's train vest.

Guests included, Roland Metayer Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds. – Wendy Liebman

A gossips idea of Hell is a place where everybody has to mind their own business.

BACKGROUND CHECKS

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

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All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability.

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Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.

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577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

Dale Spugnardi Tom & Dale of Gippers These Gippers gurus have been gracing the pages of UAD since the beginning. Back then, putting up with Big Gare was easy. Uncle Andy, not so much.

Now-a-days Dale likes chatting with the ‘new guy,’ Jimbo. For some reason when he asked why Big Gare left, he stopped himself and said never mind. Jimbo is sure both Dale & Tom feel his pain.

Jimbo wants to know...

Why is it that most irons have a setting for 'permanent press' garments?

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Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Creating Smiles is our specialty.

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 Julie Bruce helps with frosting

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Check out our great selection of Maine Gourmet Chocolate!

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.

– John Burroughs

Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn You can do it, Thomas!

I know you can, I read the book!!

Mom helps with cookies We had just as much fun as the kids did!

You guys are way over dressed if you’re coming to work for me on my train.

Rich & Jane Hatch

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The Adams Family

Cadence Peters with Thomas caboose

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

WISHING EVERYONE A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!

See the Experts in Vehicle Wrapping.

Out ’n About at the 5th Annual ExTRAINaganza at the Great Falls Model Railroad Club in Auburn

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It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Tatiana St. Hilaire In the US, federal law states that children's TV shows may contain only 10 minutes of advertising per hour and on weekends the limit is 10 and one-half minutes.

Uncle Andy’s Digest...with January 2014

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Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing Commercial & Residential

SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING Diane & Mike Smith These guys still put up with Uncle Andy to this day. Jimbo heard it was because Mike was stilled owed money from covering Uncle Andy’s bad gambling debts.

Diane & Mike must have pretty thick skin to put up with such shenanigans.

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Allure would like to thank our clients for an incredible first few months Pauline

Lisa Kim

Veronica Lyn Marsh Veronica was three years old in this photo back in 1997. We hope she won’t be upset for publishing it for a second time. Feel free to punch Uncle Andy in the arm if you are.

Jimbo would love to witness this by the way.

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January 2014

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Customer Service at its BEST!

Open House Jan. 27th 4-7pm All of our clients and the public are welcome!

Refreshments • Giveaways • Sales Specials on Products!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Border Patrol Submitted by Jimbo

Your Oral Health Is Important to Us!

Uncle Andy and four of his friends are travelling across Europe in an Audi Quattro and arrive at a border crossing.

The Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

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"What do you mean it's illegal?" asks Uncle Andy.

"Quattro means four," replies the border official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the five guys retort disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

Uncle Andy replies angrily, "You Goober! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the official, "he can't come.

He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 55

Why do they have ear piercing while you wait? Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?

Out ’n About at the Uncle Andy’s Digest Christmas Party Uncle Andy, can you pay attention for one minute?! We’re trying to get a picture over here.

Andy pay attention? HA! Now that’s funny!!

How the heck is this Grampa next to me still on payroll?

Huh? What??

There’s some great stuff in here.

I just might start reading it again...

The gang that makes it happen every month!

Uncle Jimbo

Where am I?

Office Clown Sales Guru

Mother Margaret

Graphic Wizard

Delivery Protege

Jimbo, Thomas, Crystal, Maggie, Pam, Tanner & Andy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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I heard Einstein got along well with his parents ... relatively speaking.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

We heard appearing in Uncle Andy’s would make us famous. I guess we’ll find out.*

Sue & Jeff Nichols *We may not have told Sue & Jeff that the fame might only last for a month or so.

Tom Hill’s pet hamster reminds him that Spring is coming soon.

Mandy Zielinski won a 4 pack of Portland Pirates tickets from Uncle Andy’s Digest. She entered her caption in a recent contest on our Facebook page.

If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't we have more free time?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with January 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 57

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My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions...That way I succeed at something.

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives What in the world has caught the attention of these young ladies found on the beach?

If I knew grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first!

The Wedding Dress Submitted by Jimbo

Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in.

Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval.

The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.

"I used to fit into that dress!"

It sure wasn’t Uncle Andy’s physique… It was Uncle Andy’s Digest, of course. The ‘Digest is perfect beach reading material. If it gets wet and ruined you really won’t care because it was free in the first place.

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The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

– Doug Larson

Two towns, one team

Melanie Babb winner of $500 in cash from the Village Inn Jimbo: Melanie, did you chose to wear that lobster hat or was a requirement to collect your winnings?

Melanie: I’d wear any kind of hat if someone wants to give me $500.

Trash Talk Submitted by Jimbo

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'd be great. But can you make it quick?

I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."

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For 20 years, the Portland Pirates called the Cumberland County Civic Center their home. But due to renovations and a legal battle, the team has temporarily moved north to occupy the Androscoggin Bank Colisee in Lewiston.

"I love it, I think it's awesome," Auburn resident Kevin Gagnon said. "I think it's nice to have a hockey team back in Lewiston."

Gagnon was a Pirates season ticket holder when they first came to Maine, but eventually switched over to MAINEiacs season tickets because it was closer to home. After the MAINEiacs disbanded, Lewiston was left without a hockey team. Now however, Gagnon is happy to say the area has a team to cheer for again.

"I've been a passionate fan of hockey since I was in high school," Gagnon explained. "I went to St. Dom's-lot of hockey tradition at St. Dom's, lot of hockey tradition here in Lewiston with the high school in Lewiston too, but I love having it here."

Having been in the Colisee for MAINEiacs games, Gagnon firmly believes it is a great venue for the Pirates.

"It can get really loud if we can get the fans going," Gagnon said. "It's a great place though. It's a nice place, small, it can get loud and that's sometimes what they need."

The Colisee is definitely smaller, but that means fans are packed right on top of the action--wherever you are, the ice is always close by and this allows for a more intimate viewing. This atmosphere can provide the perfect back drop for a home team when the crowd is behind them.

Whenever there is a goal, fight, or big play, the stands erupt with an energy that permeates the entire building. Fans are always ready to start a "let's go Pirates" chant and the hockey passion that is felt from the fans is easily noticeable to any fan.

Without question, the Pirates move to Lewiston has provided hockey-lovers in the area a perfect way to get their fix.

"The fact that we have hockey here in Lewiston is awesome and that's what I'm looking for," he said. "As long as there is hockey in Lewiston I know I'm happy and I know my kids are happy, the family is happy.

We're having a great time with all the people around us in our section, I don't know what else I could ask for more than that."

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. – Steven Wright

Some of our friends from the 1997 UAD archives

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.

– Jimi Hendrix

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210

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Peter has given Uncle Andy lots of sage advice over the years. Most of the time it went in one ear and out the other.

These days we heard Peter is working on his golf handicap so he can beat his son, Ryan who is a heck of a golfer.

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For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

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We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Jane Peach Jane once told us that she reads the Digest from cover to cover.

She would also tell you that she knew Jimbo before he was Jimbo. He was just Jim. And she used to cut Jim’s hair back in the day.

Funny, she never mentioned Uncle Andy. Sorry Andy.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

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During the trial, a lawyer objected to the audiologist's testimony, calling it hearsay.

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.

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Pat spent the first 20 years of her career as a CNM, certified nurse midwife, providing primary care, prenatal care to women delivering over a 1,000 babies. Even though she loved helping women birth their babies she eventually got too old to attend birthday parties all night long.

With regret she returned to school to become a FNP, family nurse practitioner, so she could continue helping the families she had grown to love over the years. She discovered that the wide subject area of family practice was too difficult to deal with and last year narrowed her focus to aesthetic medicine, specializing in laser skin treatments.

Pat grew up in Caribou, and holds a Masters in Nursing from Boston University, her post masters certificate for FNP from USM in 2003. Laser training from National Institute of Laser education in 2012. She is a member of the American Society of Laser Medicine and Surgery as well as Maine Nurse Practitioner Association, Maine Affiliate of American College Nurse Midwives.

Your Best Skin has expanded its offerings to include I-Lipo Fat Reduction which is the intelligent non-surgical alternative to liposuction. And also Hydrafacial MD. Not your ordinary facial. Visit their website to learn more about these new offerings: yourbestskinofmaine.com or call 333-3069 to speak to Pat. Also see their ad on page 17.

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Happy New Year from All of Us! Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

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