Uad june 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!

Priceless .com

JUNE 2014

Complete, comprehensive dentistry for ages 3 to 103

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • 784-1577 TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM

NEW Patients Always Welcome!

Sensational smiles are our business!

Preventative dentistry cleanings and fillings

Financing available

Cosmetic dentistry whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more

We accept most insurances

Armandsab@aol.com

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

June 2014 Tuesday, June 10th Sam's Noon - 7pm (Chapter 14346) Market Place Mall, 675 Main St, Lewiston $4 Member; $4.50 Guest Wednesday, June 11th Dairy Frost 4 –6pm (Chapter 7938) 107 Bath Road, Brunswick Tuesday June 17th Taber’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 8609) Lakeshore Drive, Auburn $5 Member; $6 Guest Thursday, June 19th Lewiston Mandarin 11am - 1pm (Chapter 12749) Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, June 24th Roy’s Breakfast 7 – 10am (Chapter 12907) 5 Washington St. Auburn $2.50 Member; $3.50 Guest

Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston

Art Chamberlain 207-514-7003 Lewiston

Wednesday, June 25th Dairy Joy 3 – 7pm (Chapter 8228) Campus Ave, Lew/ Spring St, Auburn $1 Member Wednesday, June 25th Norway Soft Serve 5:30 - 7pm (Chapter 10929) Main St, South Paris $1 Person

Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston

Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston

Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway

Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick

Deb Wagemann* ChFC 207-783-8804 Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

PARK TICKETS Aquaboggan TBA Combo Fun/Splash $25.50 member / $27 guest Funtown $18.50 member / $20 guest Splashtown $18.50 member / $20 guest StoryLand $28 member / $29 guest WaterCountry TBA York Animal Kingdom $10 member / $11 guest

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays).

Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Staff

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

JIMBO Pipe Dreams

UNCLE ANDY Nightmares

MAGGIE MAY Pleasant Dreams

THOMAS REM Sleep

PAM Graphic Dreams

TANMAN No Need for Sleep

GENE-O Asleep at the Wheel

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 EMAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Partial Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs • All work done in house, including metal frameworks

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

UncleAndys.com While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

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I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

Laughter is the best medicine. If you're laughing without any reason, you may need medicine.

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

Ask Aboutre Our In-Stong Financi

Honest Classifieds Submitted by Thomas Hill Found in classified ads and advertising hoardings...

FREE PUPPIES! 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONE’S BUDGET!

995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100

Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops

Bruce

Quartz Counter tops starting at $54.99/ LF Installed!

Stacy

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com The ones that are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do.

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6,800.

HUMMELS LARGEST SELECTION EVER. "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED USED ONCE TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 / HOUR. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

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Out ’n About in Dillon, SC with Polly Thompson

Somedays I feel new, and others I feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.

Summer Fun

The Back Forty Used

I heard Uncle Andy is cute.

Maybe it’s the glare from the sun, but Uncle Andy looks older than my beat up moccasins.

2010 Nissan Titan LE

2011 Chevrolet Traverse

2011 Ford Fusion SEL

2013 Ford Focus S

Blue, Crew Cab, 54k

1LT, White, 3.6L, V6, AWD, 53k

Automatic, 2.5L, 4cyl., Gray, 63k

Silver, 2.0L 4cyl., 5-speed, FWD, 10k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$25,595 $21,995

$15,995

$14,888

2012 Chevrolet Impala LTZ

2012 Ford Focus SE

2013 Chysler 200 Limited

2012 Nissan Juke

Blue, 11k , V6, FWD 6spd

Red, 51k, auto, FWD, 36mpg

3.6L, V6, 4dr., FWD, White, 5k

White, 25k, CVT, 4cyl, 30mpg highway

our price

our price

our price

our price

$17,995

$14,995

$20,995

$19,995

A gossips idea of Hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own business.

Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

Starts HERE

Out ’n About in Dillon, SC with Polly Thompson

d Car & Truck Center 2011 Honda-CRV LX

2011 Honda Accord

2010 Nissan Maxima

2012 Toyota Camry Hybrid LE

Red, 2.4L, 4cyl., Gray, Automatic, 47k

2.4 EX 45k, Blue, FWD

Black, 3.5S V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

2.5L, 4cyl., Silver, Automatic, 32k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$16,995

$17,995

$19,995

$19,995

2012 Scion

2011 Hyundai Sonata Limited

2013 Toyota 4Runner SR5

2011 Toyota Prius 3

TC base, White, 22k

Shimmering White, 2.4L 4cyl., 55k

Gray, 31k, auto, 4WD, V6

Blue, 66k, Hybrid, FWD

our price

our price

our price

our price

$16,995

$16,995

$31,995

$17,995

There’s just something about South of the Border that I love...

Polly Thompson Someone once told Dizzy Dean that he bragged a lot.

“It ain't bragging if it's true,” Dizzy replied.

Submitted by Richard Collins

Bowling Alley Sign: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

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OOPS

My conscience is clean, I have never used it. – Uncle Andy

In 1974, the Consumer Product Safety Commission ordered 80,000 buttons promoting toy safety. They said "For Kids Safety, Think Toy Safety."

Bookkeeping Success Starts with US!

The buttons were recalled when the agency found out that they had sharp edges, parts a child could swallow, and were coated with toxic lead paint.

Submitted by Richard Collins

Now Offering Quickbook Classes for Beginners!

Introduction to Quickbooks Software

Call NOW to register!

Class runs for 2 weeks on Saturdays 9am – 1pm June 21st & June 28th

Look for more upcoming classes each month!

We also offer: Bookkeeping for Small Businesses • Company Set-up in Quickbooks Individual Training also available by appointment

Bookkeeping Plus 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124 • bpluscld@myfairpoint.net

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. – Uncle Andy

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

743-3891

Call us!

No Separating Required!

HARRIS BROS.

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

Why Old Men Don’t Get Hired The Job Interview Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty."

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Repairs to Full Fabrication • Boat Covers • Full Enclosures • Bimini Tops • Dodgers • Cushions & Marine Upholstery

• Window & Zipper Replacement • Retractable Awnings • Commercial Awnings ...and much more!

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't really care what you think" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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41 Millett Drive, Auburn • 783-5600 nuimageawningsofmaine.com It's amazing what fine poker hands I get when I play bridge.

Summer Dates are filling fast - Book NOW!

Weddings • Summer Parties Reunions • Lobster Feeds • BBQ’s Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!

Professional service at an affordable price Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!

Dad’s Place Catering Division 345-9009

DadsPlace.info

FREE

COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

Expires 6.30.14

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

ONLY

$5

Comma-tose

She walked to the altar so many times, they're trying to make her pay for the carpet.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Mike Morin’s

r ar! u O Ye th 19

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Front end alignments for ONLY

$79.95!

All the females in the class wrote: A woman: "without her, man is nothing."

WHAT A DEAL!

$24.95 Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

Mike Morin

Punctuation is everything.

OIL CHANGE

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Twisted Scissors $

1.00 OFF

Men’s Hair Cuts 9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston

312-5478 Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it will be.

Yesterday is dead and tomorrow hasn’t happened yet. I have just one day, today, and I am going to be happy in it.

– Groucho Marx

Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce

Open Year Round 908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 786-4356

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

376-4940 Join Us for a Night of Fun!

Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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I'm not late boss, I just took my coffee break before coming in.

"Yes, Boss, I'm now saving my coffee breaks. When I have enough together I'm taking Friday off."

Quality Care Auto has a NEW Owner

Tony Girouard Quality Care Auto of 183 Lisbon Street in Lisbon announces that the 25 years of successful ownership under Tony Doyon came to a close April 1st when 15-year employee/manager Tony Girouard became the new owner.

Girouard is a master certified automotive technician with his L1 advanced engine performance certification, along with a state inspection license. He has 20 years of experience working on a variety of makes and models foreign and domestic. Tony will continue to employ the same welltrained and certified staff, both in the office and the shop.

He lives in Lewiston with his wife, Jessica and their 3 daughters.

Do you trust your mechanic? Come visit us and experience a more personal touch to your auto repair experience, and feel good about your decision to giving us a try. Quality Care Auto has dealer level equipment to properly diagnose most any vehicle. The scenario of paying for your mechanic to replace needless parts to TRY and diagnose a problem with your vehicle will not happen at Quality Care Auto. We want everyone that walks in our door to feel like friends and family rather than customers or clients.

Come give us a try, you will like the experience!

See their ad on page 48.

All the world's a stage and many of us are desperately unrehearsed.

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Out ’n About at Residential Mortgage Services with Debbie Bodwell

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

I think we look great...

Not only on the cover, here in pictures, but live and in person. Come see us for your next mortgage!

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Courtney Vincent Receptionist (4 years)

BACON! Did Jimbo say Bacon?

Molly & Muriel Remillard Molly is Debbie’s sister; Muriel is Debbie’s mom.

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I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord really mad.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel - if there isn't, it's not a tunnel.

We Are A Total Care Service for the Whole Family!

Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

Our Sole Objective is Focused on Helping You! • Back Pain • Neck Pain • Shoulder Pain • Athletic Injuries • Nutrition Counseling • Therapy • Chiropractic Acupuncture Be Pain Free, Drug Free, Today!

Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center

It was kinda fun being a Hobo for a day.

Serving the L/A area for over 10 years

Accepting New Patients!

416 Sabattus St. Lewiston “New location, same great care!”

777-3333

Check us out at sassevillechiropractic.com

Addie Adams

Dr. Ted Stratman, Dr. Chandra Sasseville & Dr. Grant Lemire

If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.

Straight Talk. Practical Solutions.

We speak a language YOU understand!

Adele Tripp

Ask About Home Visits!

We specialize in: Wills, Powers of Attorney, Domestic Relations, General Civil Litigation, Landlord/Tenant & Court-Appointed matters.

Ca ll for y our FR EE consult ation!

The Law Offices of Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.

I could be a Hobo every day...

207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston LewistonMaineLawyers.com What’s the best gym to pretend I go to?

Elijah & Audrey Tripp Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

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Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

I look so peaceful when my kids are sleeping.

PUT SOME

INTO YOUR SUMMER! June is Jammed-Packed with SPRQ

Come feel the sizzle!

FIRST CLASS IS ALWAYS FREE! ALL NEW SUMMER Class Schedule kicks off the first week in June – including LOADS of outdoor classes!

Al Boilard I take being a conductor very serious!

YOGA Inversions Workshop Sunday, June 22nd 11am – 2:00pm $45 pp; Preregistration is required; Need 6 to hold!

See complete class line-up & register

@ SPRQstudio.com

STUDIO - SABATTUS 20 Main St. 2nd floor • 375-6000 Dads don't want much. They just hope you'll be happy... and never call while the game is on.

Alexander Adams What a great family fun event!

Caleb, Jasmine & Tami Girardin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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I adopted a rescue dog. He rescues food from the table, socks from the laundry, trash from the can & shoes from my closet.

Insurance Claims

I'm quick to jump to confusion.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

e o m r o d l o l R

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

ULE MMER SCHED

SU

7:30-10pm ts - Ages 20+ Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: pm ght 7:30 - 10 ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh pm 30 - 10 - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

COME AND ENJOY OUR OUTDOOR SEATING!

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused.

"How do you start an earthquake?" he asked.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Join Our Mug Club 21 Draft beers

Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings!

k Drin l s Al cial e p S th!

Mon

Mon: Tues: Wed: Thurs: Fri: Sat: Sun:

Burger Nights w/2 sides . .$6.99 . . . . . .Pitchers $8.00 Open Mic Night . . . . . . . .$2.00 PBR Whiskey Drinks $1.00 off . .50¢ Wings . . .$5.00 Martinis Happy Hour! . . . . . . . . . .$2.00 Drafts Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Home Cooked Meals: Pot Roast, Meat Loaf, Turkey Dinners

the Home of Co. Engine er Burg

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

I've had myself waxed 'down there'. Now my socks slide on real easy.

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Fishing

I bought a book on obedience seven years ago, but it turns out the dog is a slow reader.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

FAMILY FUN!

s Our Famou s g in R on ni O

TABERS 470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn

ste a & lob ken, tun salad ic h c e d mema spinach rving ho rilled chicken Also se NEW g

r rolls &

Open 7 days a week!

www.tabersgolf.com

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1,000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish.

(Average cost per fish: $495.68)

Driving Range • Mini Golf • Restaurant • Ice Cream

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com

S A N I PLUS

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

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A disaster is when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.

Ca Your Ap ll for point Today! ment

TOMORROW’S TECHNOLOGY TODAY! Treat your scars, wrinkles, fine lines, saggy skin and stretch marks NOW!!

Microneedling stimulates the body’s natural healing response.

The end result is firmer, smoother, tighter skin.

We also offer: Tattoo Removal Targeted Fat Reduction Advanced Technology Facials (with Hyrdofacial MD) 34 Center St., Auburn • 207.333.3069 • YourBestSkinOfMaine.com Furniture that you purchase and have to assemble, should be called divorce in a box.

Smart Thinking Submitted by Jimbo

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one.

There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quartermile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in.

As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."

would like to wish congratulations

to all area graduates!

Get your graduate a gift card for any of our professional services.

We are a full service salon

JUNE SPECIAL

FREE facial wax

with any paid service 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston • 786-4311 Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 8am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

Don't complain to me. When I was a kid, we actually had to get out of the car and OPEN the garage door.

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Customized Submitted by Jimbo

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?

Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the (continued on next page)

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Can’t believe that Facebook won’t let me set my relationship status to “in a relationship with myself”.

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

Come join the family!

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Front Row L to R: Mallory & Dan Middle Row: Penny, Marek, John, Eli & Gavin Back Row: Sarah, Brad, Ryan & Steve

333-0364

Summer is here!

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

Selling your car or truck?

Let us help you sell it faster and get more for your vehicle with a complete professional detailing!

Call for our specials!

782-6515

1111 Center Street, Auburn

Home of the Safety Cameras We install Rearview Back-up Cameras!

Remote Starters 216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339 • SoundEffectsMaine.com (Next to Republic Jewelry • Parking in back of building)

If you quit school, just remember two things. 1. You tried your best, and 2. I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.

(continued from previous page)

Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.

floor?"

SATISFY YOUR HUNGER

Golf at Spring Meadows just got more interesting...

Take advantage of the opportunity to claw your way into a perfect golf day.

We are offering a unique package Only for groups of 8 or more on $ 35pp Tues. and Thurs. through June .

Golf 18 holes with cart AND a FREE Maine Lobster Roll. No exceptions, you must have 8 or more in

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used by a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Out ’n About with the Fudge Queen

your group to receive this special offer.

Take this opportunity to grab a small group and make us your next stop. Offers this good won’t last, book your tee time today!

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

Jimbo, I’ll give you 45 minutes to stop that...

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

HUGE INVENTORY SALE!

Jeannette Freve, aka The Fudge Queen, stopped by the UAD office to personally give them of her famous fudge. Jimbo bowed in her presence and graciously accepted her yummy gift.

The Fudge Queen is welcome in our office anytime.

Thank you, Jeannette!

We are overstocked on guns and ammo Saturday, June 21st - NRA Hand Gun Safety Course call for details

J.T. REID’S GUNS We buy, sell & trade Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

Full Line Gunsmith Service

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

I read a newspaper today... For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

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Q: What did the little computer call her father? A: Data

Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club Sure glad they had some grub for all of us Hobos...

Submitted by Kadence Reynolds

A Great Place to Dine with Dad! Come enjoy a great meal on our Patio

Matt, Caeleb & Kadence Reynolds

OPEN on Father’s Day Sunday, June 15th - 10am to 8pm

Heidi’s gift cards make a great Father’s Day present!

Locally Owned & Operated HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

Dan Malkowski Don't be so smug, young people. One day you too will wake up and not recognize anyone on the cover of People Magazine.

Give your father the gift he deserves!

Send your special man alone or join him for all services side by side.

✦ Full Body Massage Bryce Weeks Gotcha x2

✦ Hot Stone Massage ✦ Herbal (Detox) Body Wrap ✦ Customized Facial ✦ Gentleman’s Pedicure

Gift cards are always available online

www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON, MAINE

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(207) 783-3321 YES! Pandora I am still listening. Why so needy?

I just want to be as thin as my patience.

We have the loan for you!

Auto • Recreational • Personal No appointment necessary!

Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club Did you know the average train weighs 12 million pounds?

We have the money to lend!

We’re home of the one hour loan!

Dick Pelletier

Competitive Low Rates Fast Approvals Extended Terms Call Michele, Dane or Ken today!

Don Darling, Sandy Berube & Elijah

Great Falls Federal Credit Union Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 GreatFallsfcu.com Restrictions & qualification apply

Earl Bickford My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

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Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Trains are FUN! Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

Baked Ziti

The Fergy

Meatball Subs

Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

THURSDAY Gavin Labbe

Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50 One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

Jamie & Heather Weeks A train hitting a car is the equivalent to a car running over a can of soda!

A fresh perspective for Lewiston!

Patti Gagne

What matters for Lewiston, What matters for Maine

Learn more at: PattiGagneforSenate.com

Kara & Ron Violette Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Paid for and authorized by Patti Gagne for Senate, Pam Remieres-Morin, Treasurer

• Welfare Reform • Education • Tax Burden • Citizen Voices

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

From the Pulpit Submitted by Thomas Hill

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If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu I eat here twice a week. I love the atmosphere and the consistency! Highly recommended!

87 Mill St. New Auburn

753-0171 Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

John Watson of Auburn

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we're still in the top 10.

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

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30% OFF

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Live Entertainment Sat. June 14th - Denny Breau 8-11pm

Sat. june 28th - Dapper Gents 8-11pm

GRILLING TIME! Get your steaks here for your own grill at home!

Bring Dad to Mac’s on Father’s Day! Now taking reservations

orite your fav h c t a w Come event sporting ’s in our 1 TV on our 1 sq. ft. bar area!

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Book your event in our newly decorated function room!

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783-6885

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Love means never having to say anything because you're both too busy looking at your smartphones.

Allure Hair Studio adds Stylist

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POOLBB UILDERS OF AINE P OOL UILDERS OFMM AINE 1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com Thinking of becoming an evil genius. So far I can only see two stumbling blocks.

Debbie Spencer Allure Hair & Nail Studio would like to welcome Debbie to their team! Located at 185 Webster Street in Lewiston, Allure has been around less than a year, now add their fourth stylist.

Debbie is relocating to the Lewiston area from New Hampshire. She shared this with Uncle Andy’s Digest: “First of all, I waited a long time to follow my dreams of becoming a Hairdresser and I love what I do! I find it very theraputic to put my hands in hair and making people feel good about their hair and themselves. A good haircut, style and or color is one of those thing that can make a bad day good or a good day even better!

I would love the chance to do that for you!”

Ms. Spencer then went on to say, “I must say color is my favorite it is very personal and creative and can be expressive of peoples personalities but I enjoy anything from a child’s first haircut to that monthly maintence because their is job security in hair! it always grows!”

Check out Debbie’s hours in their ad on page 47 and make an appointment. We have online booking or simply give her a call at 603-583-0461 or at the salon at 783-0200 today! Visit Allure on Facebook or their website at AllureStudioLewiston.com.

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Out ’n About at the March of Dimes March for Babies Walk in Lewiston

I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 March of Dimes National Ambassador, Aidan Lamothe & new friend, Katherine Ackley

s Alway g n i y u B

500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market

In-stock items

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

finished & unfinished Team Members from DFD Russell Medical Centers

Rain or shine, marching for babies is important to me!

Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

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INVENTORY REDUCTION

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20% - 75% OFF

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Team Member from DFD Russell Medical Centers Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Sometimes I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.

Uncle Andy to Jimbo: First you're telling me to be myself, then you're telling me to stop being an idiot. Make your mind up.

Getting Organized Starts Here!

The weight ratio between a train and a car...

4,000 to 1.

An office chair, a filing cabinet or a desk, Drab to Fab happens HERE!

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Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

One Item or a Complete Office Redesign...

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Maine’s OFUSA Dealer

Jerry Johnston

550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston (former Sherm Arnolds Flooring & Kitchen) www.cubiclesinmaine.com • 783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE

When around railroad tracks: Look, Listen, Live!

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

Where You’re Like One of the Family! ce, “Try us on regular!” you’ll be a

Ray Parent

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502 OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

2 LARGE 1-TOPPING PIZZAS ONLY $

16.99 Expires 6.30.14

I've never been to jail but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at Old Navy once.

Maximus Jacobson Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

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Out ’n About at Sea 40’s first Sake Dinner

How did a fool and his money get together?

...

P L AY I N G A

F E AT U R I N G

11 y l u J y, a d i r F 1PM 1 – 5PM

nua n A d 2n

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Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s first Sake Dinner

A portion of the proceeds to benefit Sandcastle Clinical & Educational Services

Tickets available at Sea 40.

40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 • www.sea40me.com

facebook.com/Sea40JapaneseCuisine

Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for promotions and giveaways!

Get Your Tickets before they’re gone!

This EVENT is RAIN or SHINE under the big top in the Sea 40 Parking lot!

e the b l l i w This f the o Y T R PA ER! SUMM s it!! s i m t ’ Don

21+ EVENT TICKETS: $15 Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Think Twice

When it comes to a battle with words I'm always ready to mumble.

Submitted by Jimbo

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

"We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

Treat Dad to lunch or dinner on Father’s Day, Sunday, June 15th.

Large parties, please call ahead.

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com

Whenever I delete an app from my iPhone, the shaking icons make me think they're panicked over who's being cut from the team.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

Babies Gone Wild

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him!

He sighed in exaspera(continued on next page)

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Outdoor Patio

Quick, get mom’s credit card!

Ron Chicoine, MD for County Commissioner

I ask for your vote November 4th “On Call for Lewiston.”

Paid for and authorized by the candidate.

My garden will never make me famous, I’m a horticultural ignoramus, I can’t tell a stringbean from a soybean, Or a girl bean from a boy bean.

Submitted by Richard Collins

The problem with the world are the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid people are full of confidence.

After a holiday, the only thing that makes me happy to see the people I work with is having just been with the people I'm related to.

Willow Tree Primitives Sat. June 21st & Sun. June 22nd

HUGE Tent Sale

754-8784

Discounted Items

850 Main St. Lewiston Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm

10am - 5pm

Taylor Brook Animal Hospital 33 Millett Dr. • Auburn • 784.1726

Referral Program Refer a friend & receive $10 Credit on your account.

Referred customer will also receive $10 at the time of check-out! (continued from previous page)

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.

I’ve got to stop believing everything I think.

tion and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

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"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!

Do you have any

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Some things are better left unsaid. If only I could determine which things.

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(continued from previous page)

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it cost to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? " Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

Boxer: "Have I done him any damage?"

Trainer: "No, but keep on swinging the draft might give him a cold."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased.

Maybe he could get rid of them now.

I’d love to hear your long story. If you can make it short..., and interesting.

I’ve always wanted to get into a cab and yell “Follow that car!”

earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

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A TRUE STORY by Malcolm Forbes

Come check out our NEW improved, larger location!

You’ll LOVE our new look!!

Electric Beach T A N N I N G

S A L O N

97 Center Street, Auburn (next to Pat’s Pizza) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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783-9488

Sometimes I think life is one big test and I’m in the wrong classroom.

I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve been prioritizing you.

Celebrating 40 Years

Considering a NEW Used Vehicle?

Shop around, then go see the guys at Cyr’s. Keeping your current vehicle in tip top shape might make more financial sense.

Complete mechanical repair and body work done on premise!

Call for a FREE Quote!

Your Make & r look old ca ke run li NEW!

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039

Ken & Rena Barnett Married May 25, 1974 at the Brunswick Naval Air Station Chapel Happy 40th Anniversary!

Saturday June 21st - Candle Pin Bowling Day @ Good Times Lanes in Lisbon $10/pp Pizza & Beer Specials 1-4pm Please sign up at the NASC

Saturday July 19th - Sports Banquets/Member Appreciations, $1 Can Beer, FREE Hot Dogs & Hamburgers, Dunk Tank for favorite officers, Band 4-8pm, DJ Inside from 8-12pm

Am I cute or what?

What’s Going on in JUNE at the Chick!

Want us to cater your next event? Food & Beverage . . . .We do it!

Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches? . . . . . . . . . . . .We got it!

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Call us for other options and more info!

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You’re gonna love it!

1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston•376-3870•ChickadeeLewiston.com

Take Dad Out for Father’s Day Sunday June 15th!

Rese rvations take n for parties of 5 or Roast Prime Rimore. b Au Jus and Full menu avai lable!

Don’t you hate the way the sun goes down just when you need it the most?

Kiley Churchill daughter of Tiffany Churchill Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

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Gorilla Golf

“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

Submitted by Jimbo

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other.

The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up.

But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straight away par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green.

The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right (continued on next page)

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WICKED GOOD FOOD ON YOUR WAY TO THE CASINO! Fuel up with some wicked-tasty home-style food on your way to the casino!

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch daily!

“Home of the Double Yolker”

Eli Young of Oxford, Maine Conquer a full-size omelette and have your picture added to our Wall of Fame!

Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

Car accidents, no problem!

We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Arm-wrestling is a nice way to make a friend look tough while holding their hand in public.

(continued from previous page)

Twitter makes me feel like I'm home. Nobody listens to me there either.

U.F.O. SIGHTING Get your own U.F.O. for an unbelievable price!

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If I only knew then what I know now but keep forgetting.

at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine.

You send this gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way 450 yards, right down the middle!"

Dick Courtemanche of Modern Woodmen of America

Uncle Andy stayed up all night studying for his blood test.

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Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

I was born on the 1st of the month, so they called me Bill!

Penny Haslett Did you know the average train traveling at 55mph takes about a mile to stop?

Here Comes the Bride Banquet and Catering Service Book your special event today!

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Call for more Information

Ron & Sherry Amison

Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi

Did you know that train tracks are 4’ 8.5” wide?

730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza • 376-4855 Shelly & Wendell Bates Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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jasminecafemaine.com Uncle Andy thought he was clever because his blood test results said A+.

She waited so long for her ship to come in her pier collapsed.

Family Friendly Dentist

Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997

Accepting New Patients!

Thomas Ekstrand & Tom Fahey The surface contact between the wheel and the rail is about the size ofa dime.

James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122

Most Insurances Accepted

I read her like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.

Tom Coulombe Did you know that trains are more than 10 feet wide?

Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

Violet

Dave Kierstead, Ken Nettleship & Ray Parent It took me a whole year to write a book. I could’ve bought one for $5.

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Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.

$

Lunch for 3.99!

Monday - Friday 11am - 3pm Bar & Grille

Baked Haddock, Fried Haddock or HomeMade Chicken Tenders Served with one side:

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Braiden Blais

Fresh Cut Fries, Homemade Grilled Potatoes lightly seasoned with garlic & butter, Homemade Baked Beans, Slaw, Pickled Beets or Veggie of the Day.

551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 777-1155 • Schemengees.com Life's more amusing than we thought.

Eliot Blais

Ice, Ice Baby...

I love that song!

The Faces of Radio

Ice, the police dog

Here’s some of the clan from Gleason Media at their recent Open House for their new local FM radio station, Z105.5 Front: Bonnie McHugh. Back: Dick Gleason, owner, Matty Boutwell & Jeremy Rush

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I was a premature baby. My father wasn't expecting me.

My doctor said I must bathe in milk but I couldn't get into the bottle.

First Job Submitted by Jimbo

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Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate!" the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.

"Give me the broom and I'll show you how."

God’s Country Submitted by Thomas Hill

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cheetah walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler 15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn. Mon - Fri 8:00am - 4:30pm

615-7057 or 795-8887 My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like a hawk.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cheetah's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cheetah. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

She's been married so many times that wedding bells sound like an alarm clock to her.

This is what I’m talkin’ bout!!

Upcoming Events: Saturday, June 7th: Permit Course $75 ($65 pre-paid registration)

Sunday, June 8th: Customer “Off Road” Appreciation ATV Ride Partnered with Lakes Region ATV Club Lunch provided for customers. $8 lunch for ATV enthusiasts.

ATV ride departs from Jugtown Road in Naples - Parking site at 10am or caravan from CMPS at 9:15am. Proper riding gear recommended. Approximate ride is 2 hours to lunch site and 1.5 hours back to parking area. Ride at your own risk.

Don’t worry, I’m here to protect and serve, ma’am.

Friday, June 20th: Bike Night @ CMPS 5:00pm In-house Poker Run, Beverages 5-6:45pm Four $100 Gas Card Giveaways; 20% OFF all luggage & saddle bags; 20% OFF riding jackets

Saturday, June 21st for Get more e@ your trad CMPS!

Permit Course - $75 ($65 pre-paid registration) Brought to you by:

150 Pre-o wned motorcyc les in-stock & ready to ri de!

845 Main Street • Lewiston • 689-2345 www.centralmainepowersports.com

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Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Devil in the Details

Rembrandt painted 700 pictures in his life time and Americans have all 7000 of them.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A lawyer had just bought a new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues.

All of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed.

He knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic.

All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" said the officer.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!" There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

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Get Your Tickets Today!

emergefilmfestival.org Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth, a sense of humor.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

Wedding Day Special

Includes:

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• Up-do • Spa Pedicure • Shellac • Make-up Application • Practice Up-do • FREE 120min Tanning package

200

We also offer eyelash applications & eyelash extensions

Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning

Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com

795-6778

Sun + Mon 12-6 • Tues + Wed 9-6 • Thurs + Fri 9-8 • Sat 8-3 I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

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Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be!

Did you know? February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Out ’n About at the Hobo Holiday event at The Great Falls Model Railroad Club

Ken Nettleship anka Matolcsy Steve Galvin, Ar & Colby Martel

Visit The Great Falls Railroad Club at 144 Mill Street in New Auburn.

Online at www.greatfallsmodelrrclub.org Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Heidi Wh eaton & Bentle y Fortin

Mike Johnston

Our baby was so big when he was born, the doctor was afraid to slap him.

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

Time doesn’t exist. Clocks exists.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad and to all the dads out there. If you haven’t tried Heidi’s yet, you should!

Mike Tribou was served lunch by his beautiful daughter, Natalie Tribou at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli in Auburn, in honor of Father’s Day. See their ad on page 20.

1,000 Words Submitted by Jimbo

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 45

Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION

Return all your cold

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

beverage empties

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

HERE!

SUMMER

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

Dad’s gives you more for your returns!

Dad’s Redemption

on all 5¢ returns with this coupon. (must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

✃

es v i r D Bottle me!

Welco

6¢

UAD expires 6.30.14

The string on boxes of animal crackers was originally placed there so the container could be hung from a Christmas tree.

The Fortune

Out ’n About at Main Street Music in Auburn Photos by roving photographer, Eddie Boucher

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

Uncle Andy’s Digest, IT WORKS!

That’s a catchy little jingle...

Now I can’t get it out of my head.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah", his wife nodded, "And it has your weight wrong, too."

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Arthur Melendy

Steve Grenier

of Main Street Music

of Main Street Music

When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

It’s easy to spot people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200

Like us on Facebook • AllureStudioLewiston.com

Allure Welcomes

DEBBIE SPENCER!

Call a h for yo ead prefer ur re time! d

Mom Knows All Submitted by Jimbo

Lisa

Kim

Month of June

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

$

Come & get to know her!

Debbies hours Thurs. 3-8 & Sat. 9-1

10 MEN’S CUTS $ 20 WOMEN’S CUT $ 30 SPA PEDICURE

for New Clients seeing Debbie

Happy Hour Everyday 4-6pm 50¢ off Well Drinks • $2.50 16oz. Domestic Beer $ 3.50 16oz.Micro Brew • Chips & Salsa $2.99

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

Monday & Tuesday 60¢ Wings & $3 - 25oz Domestic Drafts

Thursday

3 Tacos . . . . . . . . . . .$4.99 Burritos, Taco Salad & More

Stuffed Peppers . . . .$5.99

Friday

782-2135 A place where family & friends gather for good food & cheer at great prices!

Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm Sun. 11am - 5pm

Wednesday

Fish & Chips . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

Friday – Sunday

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Surf & Turf (8oz sirloin) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99

All Week: Lunches starting at $4.99

Kissy Face

Get the Most Bark for Your Bucks!

Mention this ad and receive

$5 OFF your next visit!

Doggie Daycare $13/Day Boarding starting at $18/night

Howling Hill Dog Boarding Family owned & operated. Owners live on premises!

Discounts available for multiple doggies!

272-7917 113A Fish Hatchery Road, New Gloucester facebook.com/howlinghill

I don’t trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

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Jimbo UncleAndys.com 47

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

Out ’n About at Residential Mortgage Services with Debbie Bodwell

With over 100 years of combined experience, Debbie Bodwell should be your first call, every time!

Lauri Dupile Office Manager (since 1990) & Laurie Levesque Mortgage Specialist (since 1992) The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Do You TRUST Your Mechanic?

Vehicles are more complicated than ever these days. A properly trained mechanic can be hard to find... Quality Care Auto has dealer level equipment to properly diagnose most any vehicle! And we treat our clients like family!!

Four Wheel Alignment FREE 4 Wheel Alignment

59.95 (excludes any new parts) exp 7.31.14

✃

$

with purchase of 4 tires (excludes any needed parts)

exp 7.31.14

We’re closer than you think!

Only a 5min drive from the Ramada

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon qualitycareautorepair.com

353-9862 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Ron

Tony

Tom

Nice try, but I'll believe a salad is "to die for" when a convict chooses one for his last meal.

Cathy

The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.

: U O Y G N I T C E PROT Is What We Do.

s Kerrie Robbin Specialist

232 Center St., Auburn

nce

Commercial Insura

Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

commercial

home

VarneyAgency.com

auto

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

recreational

umbrella

786-0417 life

health

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and drive south.

When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

Out ’n About at Residential Mortgage Services with Debbie Bodwell

Debbie Bodwell & Shani Smith (21 years) Our reputation is everything. We’re here for the long term to take care of you, our #1 priority!

Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

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Jimbo UncleAndys.com 49

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

A procrastinator's work is never done.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Red Eddies Open Monday, July 14th • Shot GunStart @ 9:00am Rain or Shine @ Martindale Country Club in Auburn

$75 pp or $300 per team Includes: Golf, Cart, Continental Breakfast, Box Lunch & Appetizers at the Red Eddy Awards Ceremony Supports the Edward Little Hockey Program Join us for 18 holes of fun. Prizes for 1st, 2nd, 3rd and “Highest Score” Raffles include: Set 4 Red Sox tickets, 4 UMO hockey tickets, UMO autographed Goalie Stick and more!

ELHS Alumni welcome! Come join us for a great day of Golf!!

To play golf or for sponsorship opportunities contact: Edward Little High School c/o Craig Latuscha 77 Harris Ave, Auburn edwardlittleboyshockey@gmail.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. – Uncle Andy

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Local Radio... The Way It Should Be!

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

The first FM Station just for the L/A Area!!

• Breakfast Club with Matty B Live Interviews with local guests Monday - Friday 6-10am

• Local News & Sports • Plays the Hits of Today Bruno Mars, Rhianna, Maroon 5, Katy Perry & More!

• And Classic Hits Don Henley, Santana, George Michael, Eagles, Stevie Wonder & More!

Listen on the FM dial @105.5, online @ www.Z1055.com or the Tune-In Radio app “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

– Isaac Asimov

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Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

My bank sent me a letter saying it's the last time they will spend 50 cents to tell me I have 2 cents in my account.

June Is:

We’ve got you covered!

Proms • Recitals • Weddings Graduations • Father s Day

This whole magazine is plumpacked with cuteness!

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 www.annsflower.com

CASH FOR CLUNKERS

Bring in any stove and get a voucher for up to $300 toward a new JØTUL gas or wood stove!

Limited time offer

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

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ng with partneri Proudly r the Jøtul fo gram Out Pro e g n a h 2014 C

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP 1220 Center St., Auburn • 784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com

Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?

Got Any I.D.?

Golfing truths: Golf carts always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

WWW .ANDROTITLE.COM

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

Taylor Roy was the 2014 recipient of the Juli Ann Paradis Chicoine Nursing Scholarship. She received the award during the Lewiston High School’s Night of Excellence. Taylor will receive $1,000/year for 4 years at Endicott College. Ron Chicoine & Juli’s mother, Jeanne Beliveau presented the award to Ms. Roy.

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

95 Main Street, Auburn 784-6413 or 1-800-639-7016

THANKS

PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING? Ask about our signature models!

FOR

CALL FOR PRICING

G.A. DOWNING PICKING US UP!

782.4508 or 800.924.4500

Service Rental Sales

111 Woodman Hill Road, Minot www.gadowning.com

Spring Cleaning & Yard Work Got You Feeling Achy?

Ron Chicoine, Taylor Roy & Jeanne Beliveau

Mariah’s Massage Therapy can soothe the aches and pains to get you back to doing what you like!

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June 2014

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$25/1 hour massage $45/ 90 min massage Book your appointment today Smartchoice2@live.com Facebook.com/mariahsmassagetherapy

Mariah White

81 Main St., Suite 104 Auburn Licensed Massage Therapist Gorillas do not know how to swim.

299-0534

Unlike most cats, tigers love the water and can easily swim three or four miles.

This is Mya Ziebart live on location... And now back to you, Norm

Your Vision.

Your Design.

Bertch Cabinetry conforms to you.

See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.

Out ’n About at the Touch a Truck event

Partnering with Professionals

784-5721

Kitchen • Bath• Hospitality

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed. Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Tim Fox Branch Manager 514-1104 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Pat Bolduc Showroom Manager 514-1137 • pbolduc@redlon-johnson.com Bill Eccleston Showroom/Inside Sales 514-1136 • beccleston@redlon-johnson.com

Mya Ziebart broadcasting for WMTW-8

Golfing truths: The fact that trees are 90% air does not mean your ball will avoid the remaining 10% of timber.

PUT SOME

INTO YOUR SUMMER!

June is Jammed-Packed with SPRQ

Come feel the sizzle!

Kim Desso Advocates for Children

FIRST CLASS IS ALWAYS FREE! ALL NEW SUMMER Class Schedule kicks off the first week in June – including LOADS of outdoor classes!

KIDS JUNE SUMMER CAMPS! Mon. 23rd thru Thurs. 26th; $100/child; TRAVEL ALL AROUND THE WORLD WITH SPRQ!

See complete class line-up & register

@ SPRQstudio.com

STUDIO - POLAND 1385 Maine St, Unit 3/4 • 998-2010 If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.

Lorraine Bernier & Sue Goddard American Red Cross Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with June 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 55

Get Dad a Gift Certificate for Father’s Day! Come see us & we’ll help you get MORE for your vehicle!

Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

A clean car makes for a better first impression!

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004

CAR WASH & DETAIL

LIQUID SUNSHINE

Selling Your Vehicle?

Before

After

Golfing truths: Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.

Visit us at our state of the art office at:

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com WWW.UNCLEANDYSDIGEST.COM