UAD May 2012

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

GET YOUR DIGEST ON!

FREE

MAY 2012

TH GRAND OPENING CELEBRATION MAY 29TH Join us for: Ribbon Cutting • Hibachi Show Live Music • Food Sampling • Drink Specials

Treat Mom on Mother’s Day!

Festivities begin at 3:00PM

Join us for this special day. She will love it!

Make your reser vations now.

Japanese Cuisine

• Hibachi • Sushi • Japanese Cuisine • Late Night Lounge

40 East Ave., Lewiston (Lewiston Mall Shopping Center) www.sea40me.com

795-6888 Sea40 Japanese Cuisine

Reservations are suggested

Armandsab@aol.com See our ges ads on pa 52 & 53

We buy: Brass Copper Aluminum Wheels Radiators Batteries Catalytic Converters Cell Phones Tin Steel And More!

Harvey Metals

Buying from the public!

Superior Grading & Pricing Maine’s Largest Catalytic Converter Buyer Family Owned & Operated

TOP PRICES PAID! Hours: Monday - Friday 8-5; Saturday 9-3

41 Capital Avenue, Lisbon Falls (off Rt. 196, near Rite Aid)

353-JUNK (5865) • HarveyMetals.com

Buying B2B!

Business Coach of the Year

“There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire and a Zamboni clearing the ice.” – Charlie Brown

NEW NEW

River Run Cabinetry Arizona Shower Doors

NEW

Anderson Hardwood Floors

NEW

Tarkett Flooring Line

Kurk Lalemand from NEXT Level Business Coaching in Auburn, has just returned from New Orleans where he received the prestigious, “Coach of the Year” award for 2011. This marks the first time the Professional Business Coaches Alliance out of Canton, Ohio has granted this award to a previous winner (Kurk also won this award in 2008).

The award is presented to the business coach who has best served their clients and community. Kurk works with business owners throughout Maine and serves as board chair for the Androscoggin County Chamber of Commerce.

Kurk can be reached at 207-376-3239.

146 Main Street Auburn nextlevelbusinesscoaching.biz

See his ad on page 76.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

783-7039

Stop in and see our all new tile display!

Use your

Exclusive Dealer of

tax r efun

d wisely…

Flooring SALE Large Selection of In-Stock Carpets plus • Hardwood • Laminates • Ceramic Tile • Carpet Rems • Vinyl Rems Bound Rugs & Runners

NEW! Exclusive Dealer of

shrmarnold@megalink.net

Hours: Monday 8-7pm Tues - Fri. 8-5pm Sat. 9-2pm

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831

www.shermarnolds.com The luckiest man in the world was Adam, he had no mother-in-law.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

Bakery Bliss: It's nice to be kneaded.

MAY 2012 Saturday, May 5th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper 4pm – 6:30pm (Chapter 12907) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston $5 Member $6 Guest Tuesday, May 8th Schemengee’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $7.50 Member $8.50 Guest Sunday, May 13th KC Breakfast 8-10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest; Child/10 free Wednesday, May 16th Chick-a-Dee Lewiston 11:30am (Chapter 12749) HOME TOWN HERO 1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston $6 per person Tuesday, May 22nd Taber’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 8609) 433 Lake Shore Dr, Auburn $4.50 Member $5 Guest Thursday, May 24th Lewiston Mandarin 11am – 1pm (Chapter 10589) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member $5 Guest Wednesday, May 30th Dairy Joy 3pm – 7pm (Chapter 14437) Campus Ave, Lew/ Spring St, Auburn $1 Member Wednesday, May 30th Dairy Frost 5:30pm – 7pm (Chapter 10929) Main St, So Paris $1 Member

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

Sliced bread: The best thing since ripped up bread.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Please Note: Prices, Dates and Menu Are Subject To Change. If Additional Info Is Needed, Please Call Our Office, Please Do Not Call Restaurants. All Activities Can Only Be Attended At The Times Listed. *************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm and Friday 9am Noon (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com MAY 2012 Staff JIMBO 7th Inning Stretch

TRAVIS

If you think my puns are bad... just wait 'til they're full groan.

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures

Wheeling & Dealing

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

UNCLE ANDY

514-0660

Building a Bridge to get over Himself

www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

MAGGIE

Joe & Mike Adkins

All Things to All I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

People

MARTY Delivery Pro

ANGIE Mover... and shaker

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

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50% OFF

All New Students for the Month of May We are the only Certified OKINAWAN KENPO SCHOOL in the Twin Cities

• Karate for Kids & Adults • Fitness Kick Boxing • Lil Ninjas 3-6 yrs old • Yoga Classes

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com I went to a fight last night. A hockey game broke out.

786-3731

Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.

Playing Through Submitted by Jimbo

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and made it clear that, no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.

The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put his ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to, a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

Buck-ing Bronco A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"

His dad replied, "You should get a couple of bucks out of it."

A balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

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The Attack of the Cute

Curiosity Killed the Cat: that's the dog's story, and he's sticking to it!

RIDE FOR COMMUNITY SPIN-A-THON FUNDRAISER Supporting local families through the Y’s Annual Giving Campaign Saturday, May 12th, 7:30am-12:30pm • Participate in any of the six 50-minute classes; first come, first serve • Pre-registration is required, along with a min. $40 fundraising entry fee • FMI contact Rachel Doane at 795-4095 or email: rdoane@alymca.org

WATERFRONT LIFEGUARD COURSE* 3-day class taught at Camp Connor in Poland on Range Pond Session 1: Fri. May 25th, 5pm-8pm; Sat. May 26th & Sun. May 27th 9am-5pm Session 2: Fri. June 1st, 5:30pm-8pm; Sat. June 2nd & Sun. June 3rd, 9am-5pm * 15 years minimum age requirement Y member $195, non-member $235

CAMP CONNOR SUMMER DAY CAMP Kids entering grades 1-8 in the Fall

Open House/Meet the Staff Saturday, June 9th, 10am-1pm Tour the camp, meet the staff!

Registration is NOW OPEN!

Next to County Building, Auburn www.alymca.org • 795-4095 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Forest fires prevent bears.

Breaking News Story: Explosion at local Cheese factory... Nothing left but de Brie.

Daniel Buck Soules, owner of Daniel Buck Antiques and Appraisals has opened a new and expanded office in Auburn. He will continue working with clients assisting them with the valuation and appraisals of their personal property and antiques including paintings, prints, sculpture, furniture, silver, Americana and books for insurance, estate, estate planning, equitable distribution and charitable contribution purposes.

Located within Republic Jewelry, a company that specializes in Estate jewelry and coins at 212 Center Street in Auburn, has allowed Daniel the opportunity for a gallery space as well to display items that are for sale.

We presently have a variety of items in stock including a wonderful early 19th C. watercolor and silk memorial with a great history from Long Island; 19th and early 20th C. silver items; as well as American and European paintings and books from the same era.”

Though owner Daniel is relatively new to the Auburn area, he has been involved in the Fine Art and Antiques business for almost 40 years and has been a licensed auctioneer in Massachusetts for many years.

Daniel is an internationally recognized appraiser and was recently accepted as a Fine Art expert by the Superior Court of Ontario in Toronto. You may also recognize him as an independent on air appraiser who appeared for eleven years on the PBS television show “Antiques Roadshow”. One of the many items that he appraised on air was written about in the book “Antiques Roadshow Collectibles Primer”.

Daniel has conducted appraisal events all over the United States including prestigious museums as the Smithsonian Anacostia museum. He also co-authored the Shaker how-to book “Simple Gifts” and has written articles for the magazine “Antiques Roadshow Insider”. Daniel Buck Appraisals is a member of the Maine Antiques Dealers Association.

Never get into a blinking contest with a fish.

Daniel Buck Appraisals is open Monday through Friday from 9am to 5pm or evenings and weekends by appointment. He can be reached by calling 207-407-1444.

See his ad on page 35.

Parent Education

Go to the back of the boat Tom said sternly.

Submitted by Jimbo

On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.

COMPREHENSIVE FAMILY DENTAL CARE IN A RELAXING, COMFORTABLE ATMOSPHERE

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D.

The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.

Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.

Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Dr. Connelly has served Greater Lewiston/Auburn for the past 11 years.

He is proud to now offer comprehensive and caring dental treatment at his brand new office.

Clear Vision

Financing options available

Now Accepting New Patients Stop in and visit the new practice:

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"

1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

www.kevinconnellydmd.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

783-7039

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. (below Cosmetic & Family Dentistry)

376-4977 Mon. - Fri. 8:00am - 4:30pm

Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded. – Yogi Berra

We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

One Stop Shop for Catering... Dad’s does it all!

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering

Weddings

Indoor or Outdoor

Summer BBQ Corporate Functions

Reunions

Professional service at an affordable price

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!

Ask us about Tents, Tables, Chairs, Dance Floor, etc. for your event re’s The e...

E lik C A O PL

N

Dad’s Place Catering Division • 345-9009

www.dadsplace.info

R2D2 was the most foul mouthed movie character of all time - they beeped out every word he said.

FRESH HOT PIZZA! Subs • Sandwiches Wraps • Burgers Italians • Daily Specials Breakfast items Cold beer Agency Liquor Store and so much more!

$ .50

2

OFF any large Specialty Pizza

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.dadsplace.info

Must present coupon Cannot be combined with any other offers UAD

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Expires 5.31.12

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

783-7039

9

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.

Out ’n About at Lisbon Federal Credit Union

TROP ICAL HARMONY MONY

at their Lisbon branch We finally made it in Uncle Andy’s...

Marine Fish Coral Supplies

Happy Mother’s Day to all the great Moms out there!

YES!!!!!

All your salt water tank needs right here!

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

We bet you can find something for MOM right in this Digest!

Kara Mcgee Receptionist

& Brittany Gaudette

is Sunday, May 13th

Shop local and use our advertisers!

Member Services

Spring Special 20% OFF (owner) Linda Thompson c ldu & Erica Bo ed experience 20 years combin

to see our specials

any chemical service and a FREE WAX for new clients

DRY INK SWELL WIDTH OTTERS

Drinks Well With Others SPECIAL! Spend $30 or more at FauxNetTricks.com and be entered to win a rolling cooler for those frosty beverages! ($70 VALUE) Offer good thru 5.31.12

784-3522 1117 Center Street • Auburn (in MetLife Plaza)

www.fauxnettricks.com • info@fauxnettricks.com

NOT A NUMBERS PERSON? We Love Numbers!

From Financial Reporting to Quickbooks Consulting to Bookkeeping...

We can help you with crunching the numbers! Call us today!!

RCC Business Services, Inc. Financial & Advisory Services for Small Businesses 143 First Flight Drive, Auburn • 795-0663 • www.RCCmaine.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

783-7039

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

New Auburn Business District ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

Call us today!

Out ’n About at Gipper’s Sports Grill for opening day for the Boston Red Sox

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $55/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto Brad Johnson

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 333-0364

Roller Skating = Family Fun Reserve your Birthday Party NOW!

Skate Schedule Thursday Night

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

All Skating 7:30 - 10:30

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Find us on Facebook

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 www.rollodrome.com

WOW!

Dave Kordalski

Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

Mikayla Akerley & Jay Novella

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

$

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Karen & Shannon Gippers Servers

"I'm having trouble finding myself." – Waldo in Therapy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

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The Attack of the Cute

New Auburn Business District

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

I’ll be 87 in June and I’ve eaten at a lot of places in my life... I have to say the loaded omelettes at Rolly’s Diner are the best around!

The decor and staff are phenomenal, too!!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Charles Kerr

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Few people know that Superman had a real problem with kleptomania.

He's the man of steal.

NO ORDER TOO SMALL And no minimum purchases! Call us for a FREE quote!!

Textile & Paper Wipes

• Sorbents & Safety Supplies • Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners • Breakroom & Food Service • Chemicals & Cleaners • Packaging • Skin Care • And More!

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A! 120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

12

& Jimbo

MAY 2012 783-7039

Contentment begins where comparison ends.

New Auburn Business District

Sea’s World Submitted by Jimbo

L/A’s Newest Gun Shop

Tactical Weapons • Rifles & Shotguns Hand Guns • Personal & Concealed Carry Guns Ammo & Targets • Special Orders

One afternoon the Sea rolled into the office of Dr. Alfred Werner, clinical psychologist.

The doctor smiled; he hadn't seen his old friend in ages. "Well, well! Long time no sea!

How are you doing?"

"Swell," replied the Sea saltily.

32 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-6569 Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm • Sat 9am - 2pm

"Then what, Pacifically, is the problem?"

LOBSTER & CLAM BAKE Includes: 1 Ear of Corn 1-1/8th lb. Lobster 2 Red Potatoes 1 lb. Clams Side of butter

All cooked!

$

15

(Please call one hour before pickup)

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the moms out there!

Always Fresh LaRochelle’s Seafood

“If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!”

We ship anywhere in the US

22 Mill St., New Auburn • 782-3150 • Open daily 9am-6pm

FIRST-TIME CUSTOMERS BECOME LONG-TIME

LOYAL CUSTOMERS

EARLY BIRD A/C RECHARGE

Come find out why, you won’t be disappointed!

SAVE $40

We are a full service repair shop All makes • All models • One stop

We’ve got your covered!

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 783-4933 250 Broad Street, New Auburn www.majorauto.net

ONLY $

129.95

(Reg. $169.95) Most Vehicles With Coupon Only Expires 5-31-12

"Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something." – Mitch Hedberg

"Well," the Sea swished sadly, "I'm getting tired of just going in and out every day, in and out, in and out, in and--" "I understand," Dr. Werner interrupted hastily, "but I fear there's nothing to be done about it. For you see, my friend, you're just fit to be tide."

Seat Warmers Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual.

"Here it is.............rear defrosters."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Xtreme Athletics in Lewiston for Xtreme Hip Hop Dance Class

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "Purrfection cannot be improved"

Mike Morin’s

Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

VOTED BEST OF THE BEST 13 YEARS RUNNING (Market Surveys of America)

$65.95

FRONT END ALIGNMENT

OIL CHANGE

Stop in for a FREE steering and suspension inspection!

Most Vehicles

$21.95

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

You know you’re a Mom when...

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

May 13th

Mother’s Day

Special

Dinner & Dancing

New Auburn Social Club

In-House Pool & Dart Tournaments begin in May

Classic Car Show First Friday in June

Don’t miss it!

7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

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If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"

BLACK & ORANGE vent!

Friday, May 11th 6pm-10pm

E

Bike Night $

1

from DRAFTS Irish

TO BENEFIT CAMP SUNSHINE Live Music by the L-A Harley Band Live Remote w/ FREE PIG ROAST FIREWORKS AT 10PM 107.5 FrankFM

Twins Pub

OR NO PAYMENTS $1000 GAS CARD NO INTEREST

FOR 90 DAYS Saturday, May 12th

Kids’ Day

with any new bike purchased 5/7-5/12

200 FREE HAPPY MEAL coupons being given away

Bounce House Balloon Animals McDonald’s Up-Team Cotton Candy Performance Ice Cream Live Remote Face Painting w/ 99.9 The Wolf Snow Cones

839 Main Street, Lewiston • 786-2822 • WWW.L-AHARLEY.COM Hours: Mon.-Fri. 9AM-6PM; Sat. 9AM-5PM; Sunday - GONE RIDIN’

COOPER PAVING • Asphalt Paving • Coal Tar Sealcoating • Gilsonite Sealcoating • Hot Rubberized Crack Filling And More!

103 Cross Road, Minot • 345-3529

annual 212 Center St. Auburn

784-4444

Poland Regional High School Knights Baseball fundraiser

GOLF TOURNAMENT SATURDAY, MAY 19, 2012 12:00 noon check-in • 1:00 p.m. start time

Fairlawn Golf & Country Club in Poland Heating Oil • Kerosene • Propane Equipment Sales & Service

177 Turner St. Auburn • 783-1481 www.deadriver.com

Teams of four $50 per player $200 team Includes greens fees, cart and dinner!

of Auburn & Oxford

JONES ASSOCIATES

Foresters, Surveyors & Environmental Consultants

Prizes include a 2012 Toyota Yaris from Emerson Toyota, Golf Clubs, a Trip to Hilton Head, and more!

Registration and payment must be received by May 17th!

Primeor Spons

174 Minot Ave., Minot

782-0650 G.A. DOWNING 111 Woodman Hill Road Minot • 782-4508 Service Rental Sales

gadowning.com

There’s no place like...

Dad’s Place The Best Pizza & Coldest Beverages in Town!

23 Pleasant St., Mechanic Falls 345-5551

Jason Simard Building & Remodeling

345-9610

MICHIGAN VENEER Premium Quality Hardwood Logs & Veneer

63 Tucker Lane, Poland Spring www.jonesai.com 998-5242

Get your team together and join us for a fun day of golf!

Minot Country Store

www.miveneer.com Baseball or Golf ball...

Just hit it!

To register, please contact Colleen Quint at 754-1356 or cquint25@gmail.com

UNCLEANDYS.COM

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

"It always seems impossible until it's done." – Nelson Mandela

Discover a new level of wellness in your life

Out ’n About with the Boston Celtics at TD Garden Photos submitted by Dan Cunliffe of Republic Jewelry

Shagging balls for Rondo...

EPIC!

Mother’s Day Gift Certificates 10 Highly Trained Therapists on staff Call to find out about the exclusive benefits of membership

Corey Cunliffe Official Ball Boy (for a day)

What more can I say?

Hours: Mon.-Fri. 9am-9pm Sat. 9am-5pm; Sun. 12-4pm

Ruthless Ruth rode upon my motor bike, directly back of me.

I hit a bump at 95, and rode on Ruthlessly.

"The thing about quotes on the internet is you cannot confirm their validity."

– Abraham Lincoln

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

783-7039 17

The Attack of the Cute

Enamel is hardest substance in the human body.

PARTS • SALES • SERVICE WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes • Sales of New International Trucks • Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes

Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

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A typical lead pencil can draw a line that is 35 miles long.

There is no mention of Adam and Eve eating an apple in the Bible.

Out ’n About at the Reggae Fest at Sugarloaf Good friends equal good times, every time!

2008 Mazda 3

2000 Audi TT

$

7,600

AWD, 106K, 5-Speed

$

10,995

Electric Blue

Welcome to our Extended Family Extreme Shine Auto Detailing

Hersey’s Auto Repair

Loren Hersey - Owner

Dave Babb - Sales Associate Independent Auto

Complete Auto Repairs

Inventory 05 Audi A4, 129K, Red..........................................................$10495 04 Audi A6, 114K, Grey ...........................................................$8795 02 Audi A4, 109K, Silver .........................................................$7775 02 Audi A6, 105K, Silver .........................................................$7995 01 Audi A4, 1.8 Turbo, Blue....................................................$5995 02 Chevy Tahoe, 150K.............................................................$8995 02 Dodge Ram 1500 Sport, 4x4, Reg Cab ..........................$7995 04 Harley XLCH, White ............................................................$4495 05 Honda CRV, Manual, 105K.............................................$10995 04 Honda Element, 115K........................................................$8995 06 Hyundai Sonata, Burgundy ...............................................$7775 06 Jeep Commander, 95k .......................................................$8995 03 Jeep Liberty, Blue ................................................................$6795 08 Mazda 3, Electric Blue .....................................................$10995 06 Mazda 3, 124K .................................................CALL FOR PRICE 02 Nissan Xterra, 107K, Silver...............................................$6995 05 Saab Aero, 5-Speed, Navigation, 105k, .........................$7995 03 Saab 9-5, Brown, 102K .....................................................$6000 02 Saab 9-3, 117K, Black .......................................................$6495 02 Saab 9-5, 114K, Green/Silver...........................................$5495 07 Toyota Corolla, Silver .........................................................$8995 06 Volvo S60, 2.5 Turbo, Black..............................................$7995

1298 Sabattus Street

Alice & Don Grondin I should have gone with the dreadlocks again this year...

Derick Raymond - Owner Car, Truck, SUV & Motorcycle Reconditioning

05 Volvo V50, 120K...............................................CALL FOR PRICE 04 Volvo S40, Red, 121K........................................................$6995 04 Volvo XC70, 135K, Silver ..................................................$7995 01 Volvo S60, 2.4 Turbo, Tan .................................................$6295 08 VW Rabbit, Roof, Manual..................................................$9995 06 VW Jetta, 104K, Black........................................................$9795 05 VW Passat ..........................................................CALL FOR PRICE 04 VW Jetta, 1.8 Turbo, Silver, 89k ......................................$5995 04 VW Jetta, Auto, 75K, Silver ............................CALL FOR PRICE 04 VW Jetta, 74K, 1.8 Turbo, Blue.........................................$7795 03 VW Passat, Wagon, Manual, 1.8T, Green.......................$6295 03 VW Passat, 136K, Green/Silver .......................................$6295 03 VW Jetta GLI, 6-Speed .......................................................$7295 02 VW Beetle, Manual, 88k....................................................$6495 02 VW Jetta 98K, Green..........................................................$5995 02 VW Passat, 106K, Black ....................................................$6995 01 VW Passat, 132K, Black ....................................................$5495 00 VW Passat, 114K, Silver ....................................................$5795 00 VW Passat, 112K, Blue ......................................................$6295 99 VW Golf, 83K, Blue.............................................................$5200 26” Lexani wheels.....................................................................$1300

www.independentauto.me

More than a billion transistors are manufactured every second.

Oh honey, I love you just the way you are.

Dan & Ann Dumais A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

783-7039 19

Songs For Bible Characters... Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Foreign Car Service KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

VOLVOSPECIALIST.NET 140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300

SAM’S BODY SHOP Custom Trailer Hitches Sold & Installed Trailer Repairs

Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery

886 Main St. Lewiston • 784-0015 • Open Mon. Wed. Fri. 8:00-4:00

DAN BOYD

LOWER HOME HEATING COSTS! Energy Audits • Infrared Imaging • Blown-in Cellulose Insulation Invest your income tax return into your home to lower future heating cost!

HomeEnergyTechs.com

Contact Rudy 576-0847

Auto Core Pick-up 240-8798

I’ll pay you CASH for your antiques!

Auction Company

Antiques, House Attics, Basement Items, One Item or Entire Estates Complete Cleanouts Available Sports Items, Guns, Military Items

State & Federally Licensed

Dan Boyd

998-4083 or 754-1009

Sales & Service

Highest prices paid... PERIOD! Batteries • Aluminum Rims Catalytic Converters S! CALL U E Starters & Alternators WE’LL COM UP!!

PICK IT Radiators *Restrictions apply Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Songs For Bible Characters... Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Songs For Bible Characters... Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

10% OFF

Out ’n About at Xtreme Athletics in Lewiston for Xtreme Hip Hop Dance Class

with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

Out ’n About at Xtreme Athletics in Lewiston for Xtreme Hip Hop Dance Class

XtremeAthleticsMaine.com

JVC. KW, AV, In-Dash, DVD, Radio for the magnificently low price of

$

329

Next to Republic Jewelry Parking in back of building

216 Center Street, Auburn www.soundeffectsmaine.com

777-3339

Songs For Bible Characters... Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Lawyer Laughs Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

So you were gone until you returned?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the Reggae Fest at Sugarloaf Cliff’s a pretty smart guy.

With ice covering his vessel's exterior, the old captain was experiencing a hard ship.

Try out our state-of-the-art service department and save money!

We service all makes and models on all trucks, vans, and cars

Cooling System Service

Service Level A $ Diane Ouellette & Ann Dumais Honey, did you know Reggae is a music genre first developed in Jamaica in the late 1960s?

29.95

Every 3K Special Price

Reg. price $49.95

• Oil & filter change • Complete chassis lubrication • Inspect tires • Factory recall inspection • Multi-point inspection Expires 5/31/12. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

$

109.95

Special Price

Reg. price $139.95 Install cooling system flush to coolant; allow to circulate to remove scale deposits. Perform computer controlled back flush pressure test system, check hoses, cap & connections. (Every 100K) Expires 5/31/12. One coupon per customer May not be combined with any other offers.

Fuel/Air Induction Service Removes deposits from fuel rail, injectors, intake and manifold valves. Also removes deposits from combustion chamber, cylinder heads, piston crowns, and intake valves (every 30K)

$

Special Price

129.95 Reg. price $149.95

Expires 5/31/12. One coupon per customer. May not be combined with any other offers.

Cliff & Judy Duplie Lawyer Laughs

We offer 24 hour towing services for any vehicle

Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Goodwin

Chevrolet Buick - Oxford

1-866-370-9225 Check out other great coupon specials online 1606 Main St. (Rt. 26) Oxford, ME • goodwinmotorgroup.com Relief: What a tree does in the spring.

Out ’n About at The YMCA Annual Giving Campaign Kickoff Breakfast at Fishbones

Safety is something a lot of people learn by accident.

HIT THE TRAILS THIS SPRING IN YOUR NEW ARCTIC CAT ATV!

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES SPORT SHOP, Inc 84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

Brian DuBois Executive Director of The Y in Auburn

Your One Stop Shop for Motorcycle Insurance 9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls (207) 345-8711 or 1-800-339-0414 www.CummingsAgency.com

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette Leanne Cram

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Daryel Duhaime (donated bike signed by Greg Lemond) to raise money for Annual Giving Campaign

& Kritsin Mellville

AYURVEDIC WELLNESS CARE

The Y Development Director

A•YUR•VE•DIC Rarely treating the symptoms, Ayurveda cures by removing the cause of disease. It is the oldest surviving complete medical system in the world. Derived from its ancient Sanskrit roots - 'ayus' (life) and 'ved' (knowledge) Ayurveda literally means "Knowledge of Life". It offers a unique blend of science and philosophy that brings harmony of body, mind and spirit.

Ayurveda can help you with: Pain Management • Bonesetting • Stress • Anxiety • Increase Energy Enhance Quality of Life • Improve Memory • Create a Sense of Well-Being & More.

Christopher Harris, 54 High Street, South Paris For info or an appointment with Chris contact Jen at 207-653-8996

Kim Slivinski Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About for another fish story

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A few months ago we ran photos of Gary & Tina Croteau with their catches where Gary was clearly bragging about his larger catch...

It appears the tides have turned a little!

Cudos to you, honey! You kicked my butt this time.

Gary Croteau Hurry up and take the picture...

These babies are HEAVY!

Tina Croteau Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Must Have School Books: “Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus

Must Have School Books: “The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike

Out ’n About at the NBA All-Star Weekend There’s been a friendly competition between Dan Cunliffe of Republic Jewelry and Uncle Andy for 15 years to see who could get their photo taken with more celebrities. We (everyone except Uncle Andy) know that Dan is clearly winning. Here’s more proof...

Dan with Artis Gilmore This Hall of famer was nicknamed the “A-Train” 7’ 2” tall, played center

Dan with Otis Birdsong This Hall of famer was 6’ 3” tall, played guard

I was starting to feel pretty short until now. Thanks, Spike!

Dan with Spike Lee Must Have School Books: “Can't See The Chalkboard” by Sidney Backrow

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

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The Attack of the Cute

As They Get Old . . . Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

BUILDING A NEW HOME THIS SPRING? New home packages like this

Complete move in condition!

No hidden costs!

Onsite construction NOT A MODULAR! Owner finishes 2nd floor & builds equity

28’ x 34’ CAPE on your lot

$148,750 Price subject to change without notice Some restrictions apply - call for details

Energy Efficient New Homes • Remodeling • Additions • Energy Efficient Upgrades

R.L. BUILDERS Inc. Quality Residential Construction since 1994

Contact Rudy at 576-0847 RLBuildersinc.com

Bolster Monumental Works Monuments & Markers Cemetery Lettering & Cleaning Since 1877

1278 Main Street, Oxford • 743-2673

You'll Laugh

David J. Pratt Over 30 years experience

You'll Learn

With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. and media stars and they still come back for more.

Add comedians Tony Powell and Rob Combine that with our award winning local news Bartlett, starting your day is more fun. and your mornings are complete.

L-A’s WEZR RADIO

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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1240

Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM

As They Get Old . . . Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

As They Get Old . . . Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

CALL FOR YOUR NEW OR REFINANCED AUTO LOAN Low Rates ✥ Fast Approvals ✥ Extended Terms

Out ’n About with the Boston Celtics at TD Garden Photos submitted by Dan Cunliffe of Republic Jewelry

Center court where the Celtics play...

AWESOME!

Call Us Today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com

*Restrictions & qualification apply

As They Get Old . . . Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Brett Goggin & Jeff Brocker

L/A’s Complete Auto Shop Complete Repair & Service • Auto & Light Truck Body Repair • Restorations • Custom Paint Towing discount with shop repair. 24/7 Towing Available. Call today!

Dan with Tom Sanders This Hall of famer was 6’ 6” tall, played forward

845 Washington St. North, Auburn

782-5500 As They Get Old . . . Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Dan with Wolf Blitzer CNN Reporter Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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MLDs

"All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward." – Ellen Glasgow

(Major League Doc’s) Submitted by R. Collins

The second was George Francis Medich, nicknamed "Doc," not like Rivers or one of the dwarfs, but he actually was one. It was during spring training when he was pitching for the Rangers against the Orioles when a fan in the stands had a heart attack. Medich rushed from the mound into the stands and revived the man, who lived many more years.

Whenever asked who his favorite pitcher was, we all know the answer.

When Doc Medich was pitching for the Yankees, his locker was next to Yogi Berra’s locker. Once they were sitting side by side Yogi was reading a comic book and Medich was reading a medical book. They both happened to put their books down at the same time. Yogi looked at Medich and said, "How’d yours come out?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

✃

Buy 2 NEW Tires A $24 Value!

and receive a

FREE Oil Change*

Expires 5.31.12

There have only been two practicing physicians with M.D. degrees to play major league baseball. The first was Dr. Bobby Brown, who played shortstop for the Yankees for eight years.

He later became president of the American League.

*5 quarts max, non-synthetic - must have coupon to qualify.

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

782-6666 or 783-2026

Out ’n About at Gipper’s Sports Grill

Chris Smith, Nate Wilmo & Renae Sek

828 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME • 795-6666 / Fax: 795-8983

We do: State Inspections • Minor Repairs

$

5

Labor Rate $48/hr

Offering Services Oil Change New • Complete Engine Flush

OFF

5 Quarts, Full Service with Mobil Oil & Filter (Made in USA)

Most cars. Cannot be combined with any other coupon or discount. Expires 5.31.12

OWNER BILL ROY

• Deluxe Oil Change Package Oil system and fuel system cleaned • Fuel Filters

Mon.-Fri. 8am-6pm • Sat. 8am-3pm

“The most important work you and I ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

– Harold B. Lee

The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

Out ’n About at Gipper’s Sports Grill for opening day for the Boston Red Sox

John & Mary James & Dean Daigle Their all members of Red Sox Nation!

Jacob, Chase, Ben, Jack & Will & Troy "Father of the Year"

TeBo, The Fonz, Kendra, Randy, D-Roc & Alan

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

Go Sox! Lisa Lockhart, Peter & Kathy Paules

Decorating: I'm thinking of painting the living room walls something neutral... maybe Switzerland.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Turnpike Trauma

By Natasha Piirainen

Must Have School Books: “Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School”

by Major Crackupp

Nervous about seeing the dentist?

Experience In my family, we have some difficulties listening to one another. We all like talking, or rather we all like hearing ourselves talk, and these tendencies get even worse when we’re all packed in a car, which is where this story takes place, in our big blue van on our way home from Portland.

It’s a rare moment when everyone in my family listens to what I, the middle child and obviously most interrupted of the four sisters, have to say. But after a while, I notice that everyone has gone silent and the spotlight is on me. I proudly begin telling whatever captivating tale I have to share with my family, when suddenly I realize that even though everyone is quiet, they are certainly not listening to me. For some reason, we have stopped at the tollbooth for an unusually long amount of time. For once, not a single Piirainen speaks.

And then, without warning, my father shouts, “BITE INTO A SLIM JIM!” The tollbooth operator jumps in his chair higher than I thought humanly possible, while impressively grabbing the money from my father at the same time. As it turns out, the man had fallen asleep at his job with his eyes open, only to be courteously woken up by my father shouting in his ear.

It was hilarious, yet we did feel a bit bad for shocking the man. But, in the poetic words of my father himself, “at least he wasn’t dead!”

totally relaxed dentistry Now you can stop worrying & start smiling again!

THE CENTER FOR ADVANCED DENTISTRY All your dental needs at one location • Option of conscious oral sedation or IV sedation • Focused individual care • 0% Financing available

220 Main Street, Auburn Dr. Robert D. Limoges D.M.D. & Dr. Jonathan A. Bernstein D.D.S.

784-7355

Natasha is a student at Wheaton College and on staff at their paper, the Wheaton Wire. She will be interning at Uncle Andy’s Digest this summer and will be a regular columnist. We look forward to her straightening out all the grammatical errors and misuse of the english language made at Uncle Andy’s Digest.

or 866-716-6128 www.AuburnDental.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Must Have School Books: “What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott

& Jimbo

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Like us on Facebook! We often post coupons and special offers on our page.

As They Get Old . . . Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

SAVE UP TO 50% You name it, we frame it!

Weddings, family photos, artwork & more!

Most Offers

Call and ask us how.

Opportunistic Photography Submitted by Gene Couillard

It’s true, the dog days of summer are almost here...

Come with a Hook This is Ours.

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Custom framing is more affordable than you might think. Check us out!

Dan Williams, owner

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 www.DandRFraming.com

SPRING into a New Career!

WE HAVE OPENINGS IN CENTRAL MAINE

Benefits Include: • Time-off program • PAID TRAINING • Medical, dental & vision

• Employee Assistance Program • And more!

Contact Kim Dionne kdionne@supportsolutions.org The mission of Support Solutions is to inspire and support a culture of possibilities.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer

124 Canal St., Lewiston • 207-795-0672 ext. 2108

18TH ANNIVERSARY SALE! MAY 4TH – 14TH Selected Fabric $5.00/yd. Selected yarns 50-75% OFF Adopt-a-Bolt 25% off

Quilting, Knitting, Basketry Supplies & Classes

30% OFF Basket handles & bases

Pick up your summer class schedule!

20% OFF

Store-wide (except handmade items)

Hours: Mon-Fri 10 to 5; Sat 10 to 4; Tues ‘til 8

909 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-4486 • Quilt-Essentials.com

As They Get Old . . . Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

I need some motivation...

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."

– Harriet Tubman Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Paying The Bills Submitted by Jimbo

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food.

The waiter says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?"

"Deal!" replies the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.

"Money or another miracle," says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Bakery WineCellar &

Egg, Ham & Chicken Salad 2 Soups Every Day Meat & Salmon Pies

Cheese Fudge Pastries Breads Wine tastings & more Over 500 labels of wine & Champagne Search: Benoit’s Bakery

Opening Soon Fresh Native Produce Certified Angus Beef Lobster Tails • Cheese • Milk Homemade Salsas & Dressings Jellies & Jams • Granola • Prepared Salads Ciders • Maple Syrup

Everything you need in your pantry & fridge!

72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine

www.benoitsbakery.com

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

(continued from previous page)

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy?

You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions."

"Not so," says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

May Special FREE

MANICURE with any pedicure

Design Flaws A woman died and was sent to heaven.

One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.

She only wanted to ask one question of him.

with Tracey only

So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"

Tracey Benoit Nail Tech Understudy

170 Main Street • Auburn

782-5920 There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

– Steven Wright

God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Opportunistic Photography

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Submitted by Gene Couillard

This Mother’s Day, GIVE the GIFT of FITNESS!

FITNESS

New Moms: 3 NEW stroller-time classes beginning May 7th at 8am

Current Moms: Child care is available for

You got a problem, Kitty?

Monday & Wednesday 5:30-7:30pm classes!

During the month of May Buy 1 punch card get one at

Our after-school enrichment sessions for kids grades K-8 begin the week of May 7th

HALF PRICE!*

beginning Thursday, May 5th at 6:30pm

Limit 2. Sabattus location only

Ask about our

UNLIMITED Sign Up Special for even more savings!

Grand-moms: NEW session of ZUMBA GOLD 754-9411 Primary Location: 20 Main Street, Sabattus (2nd floor)

View class calendar & upcoming session details online at

www.SPRQstudio.com

Classes offered in Sabattus, Lisbon Falls, Poland, Minot & Topsham. Fun for the whole family!

The Statue of Liberty has US women's shoe size 879.

Instrument Repair by Carrol Poulin Carrol Poulin, former owner of Carrol’s Music, is doing repairs through Main Street Music Lessons & Instrument Repair.

L to r: Steve Grenier (Main St. Music co-owner), Carroll Poulin, Arthur Melendy (Main St. Music co-owner)

Oh yeah, that’s the spot right there...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Authorized Service Center

• Same dependable service for over 50 years • Free estimates • From the smallest issue to complete overhauls w/ lacquer

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

376-3376

134 Main Street, Auburn www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

– Ashleigh Brilliant

A witty saying proves nothing.

Breakfast served all day!

LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED

HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm; Sun. 10am-8pm

Don’t forget to order your SANDWICH & DESSERT PLATTERS!

Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration with the Red Sox Legends Photos by Dan Cunliffe

600 Turner Street, Auburn

Great for graduation parties, corporate events & meetings, & more!

Sandwiches • Wraps • Soups • Salads & More

784-3434 www.heidisauburn.com

Sam, can I get your autograph?

OUTDOOR PATIO OPEN Beer & Wine available

DB

DANIEL BUCK

Appraisals of Personal Property Including: • Antiques • Silver items • Old Books • Furniture

Sam Horn previous Red Sox player poses with Dave Turcotte

• Paintings • Porcelain & Pottery • Any and all historical items

“We can also assist our clients with the sale of their items.

Call or stop by and let me help you discover the true value of your treasures.”

212 Center St., Auburn (Inside Republic Jewelery)

danielbuckappraisals.com • 207-407-1444 We have Yankee & Soy candles and tarts & burners for Mom!

WE BUY GOLD & Silver

Frankie’s Pawn @

PAWN • BUY • SELL • TRADE Music Equipment • Tools • Electronics • Gifts & Collectibles

128 Lewiston Street, Mechanic Falls • 346-3588 Tues. - Sat. 10-6 • Closed Sun. & Mon.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

A leaner, meaner Big Papi has been tearing the cover off the ball to start the 2012 season Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

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The Attack of the Cute

It is not possible to ski through a revolving door. – Uncle Andy

TIME TO CASH IN! Special pricing for quantities and contractors!

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler Automobile Batteries .............up to $9 ea. ...................................20 or more = $8 ea.

Alloy Rims..............................up to $15 ea. ...................................10 or more = $14 ea.

Catalytic Converters...................$8-$240 .......................(avg. payout is about $70) Computer Towers .................................$4 Mother Boards............................$2.50 lb.

Brass.....................................................$2 Motors • Pumps • Computer Board Scraps Copper, Brass, Aluminum, Insulated Wire, Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions.

Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes)

We pay the highest prices in town. Stop by and see us!

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm

615-7057 or 795-8887 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Bev & Peter

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. – Jay Leno

Out ’n About

PQ OOLWBUILDERS OF MAINE ,O S .

UALITY ORKMANSHIP UTSTANDING ERVICE $

3995

Nicole Emery & Dani Emery

3 Person

Hot Tub

Picnic Tables

NEW PRODUCT LINE!

Whether it’s above ground or inground, my dad has got you covered...

Ashely Neimi Daughter of Jim Neimi at Pool Builders of Maine

from $200 to $350 for 6', 8' and hexagon sizes. Can build to suit.

MAY SPECIAL R O G U E N V D O B P ' A O O 4 L 2

$

2499

I wonder if we can get a job at the Digest and wander around aimlessly like Uncle Andy does...

COMPLETE PACKAGE

With Automatic Pool Cleaner NEW LOCATION 1525 Minot Ave. Auburn (across from Coleman’s Collision)

795-7222

www.poolbuildersofmaine.com Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

Scott Harris & Chris Paris at Sears Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

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Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration

The best way to find a screeching rock star is with a Heavy Metal Detector.

with the Red Sox Legends Photos by Dan Cunliffe I really enjoyed drilling the Bambino in the butt with a ball to break the curse in ‘04...

Pedro Martinez & Kevin Millar address the crowd That 2004 World Series Championship Red Sox team really was a great bunch of idiots.

Sensational smiles are our business!

Preventative dentistry - cleanings and fillings Cosmetic dentistry - whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more We accept most insurances Financing available

New Patients Always Welcome

TAYLOR BROOK Alex Rodriguez A member of the evil empire

DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN We accept Northeast Delta Dental, State of Maine & Cigna Insurances

Frank Walsh, David Turcotte & Dan Cunliffe pose at Fenway Park Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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784-1577

TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM Must Have School Books: “Making It Through the First Week Of School”

by Gladys Saturday

Must Have School Books: “Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Welbee

Out ’n About at The YMCA Annual Giving Campaign Kickoff Breakfast at Fishbones

GREAT MEAT PACKAGES! 4 LBS GROUND CHUCK 2 LBS HAM STEAK 4 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 1 LB BOILED HAM 2 LBS PORK CHOPS 1 LB BOLOGNA 2 LBS CUBE STEAK 1 LB AMERICAN CHEESE 2 LBS PORK SAUSAGE

$

57

5 LBS GROUND CHUCK 2 LBS TOP ROUND 3 LBS BONELESS CHUCK 3 LBS CUBE STEAK 2 LBS BACON ROAST 6-7 LBS SMOKED 3 LBS PORK ROAST SHOULDER 3 LBS WHOLE CHICKEN 5 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 2 LBS PORK CHOPS

$

99

Many more packages available Call or stop by for more info

10 LBS GROUND CHUCK 2 LBS PORK RIBS 3 LBS BONELESS CHUCK 1 LB BACON ROAST 1 LB PORK SAUSAGE 3 LBS PORK CHOPS 2 LBS RED FRANKS 5 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 6-7 LB SMOKED 2 LBS STEW BEEF SHOULDER 2 LBS TOP ROUND 3 LBS WHOLE CHICKEN 2.5 LBS CHICKEN NUGGETS

$

125

We do allow substitutions

5% COUPON

SAVE even more!!

All orders must be pre-paid before they are cut

Poirier’s Market 38 Walnut Street, Lewiston • 782-1041

10 LBS GROUND CHUCK 10 LBS CHICKEN LEGS 3 LBS BONELESS CHUCK ROAST 3 LBS BLADE STEAK 2 LBS STEW BEEF 3 LBS WHOLE CHICKEN 2.5 LBS CHICKEN NUGGETS 4 LBS PORK ROAST 3 LBS PORK CHOPS 3 LBS PORK RIBS 2 LBS PORK SAUSAGE 2 LBS BACON 2 LBS HAM STEAK 2 LBS RED FRANKS 6-7 LB SMOKED SHOULDER

$

Paul Landry Owner of Fishbones who graciously provided the location & the kick-off breakfast

& Tom Anthoine The Y Board of Directors President

159

Delivery available on packages $57+ within 5 mile radius

Rachel Doane Good habits are as easy to form as bad ones. – Tim McCarver

Fitness & Wellness Director

& Mary Murphy Director of HR & Finance

We Buy: Batteries .................................up to $9 each Aluminum Rims....................up to $15 each Catalytic Converters ..........up to $250 each Starters & Alternators.....................$4 each Radiators .................................by the pound

CALL US! WE’LL COME PICK IT UP!!

Auto Core Pick-up 240-8798 Highest prices paid... PERIOD! Our lower overhead means more cash for you!!

You've outdone yourself, as usual.

*Restrictions apply

Laura Garcia Financial Development Committee chair

In 1959, the biggest fish ever caught on a rod, a 2,664 pound great white shark, was hooked by Alf Dean using a rod and reel.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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ER KAR Y W AO ED KE NE SD AY

Travis: “To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.”

R EE VE F CO NCE NO TRA EN NO

Jimbo: “Hey, Travis!

How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.”

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Singing Fish Submitted by Angie Lafrance

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Jimbo: “What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?”

Travis: “Well, yeah.

After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.”

Jimbo: “Now listen, Trav, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.”

Travis: “That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?”

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A chicken walks into a restaurant The bartender says, "We don't serve poultry!"

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The chicken replies, "That's okay. I just want a salad."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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$ 200 100 www.FusionLewiston.com I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

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Submitted by Jimbo

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their midterm test.

The last question was: Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk, worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

Out ’n About with the Boston Celtics at TD Garden

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

Photos submitted by Dan Cunliffe of Republic Jewelry

Jeff Brocker, Brett Goggin, Courtney & Angie Cunliffe

Reusable Containers

3.) It is always the right temperature.

Courtside seats...

SICK!

I GOT MUGGED AT 150 MILL!

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...

7.) It comes in two attractive reusable containers.

Home of the newest Mug Club in L/A

150 Mill Street, Lewiston • 782-2088 • www.davinciseatery.com Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

He got an A+.

The federal ban on smoking during domestic airline flights took effect in 1988.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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The Amazing Underwater Dog Photography of Seth Casteel

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Reserve your spots now for: PROM & GRADUATION DINNERS Sushi Bar Southeast Asian Cuisine: Thai Korean Vietnamese Japanese & others Locally Owned & Operated

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376-4855 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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jasminecafemaine.com

English sailors were referred to as "limeys" because sailors added lime juice to their diet to combat scurvy.

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Since 1953

The Amazing Underwater Dog Photography of Seth Casteel

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

The Luiggi's Gang invites you...

EVERY DAY: Regular 1-Topping Pizza with Fountain Drink Only $4.99 A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

What’s new at the Chick?

Coming this month “hot off the panini grill”

Join us on

Mother’s Day

Sunday, May 13th ➨ 3 new draft beers ➨ our famous lobster sub ➨ 7 new delicious panini sandwiches

(Reservations taken for parties of 5 or more)

Goose Island Honkers Stella • Shock Top

fresh hot loaded crusty lobster sub w/ rings (available every day)

Disetoen Chick-oAf L-ew You’re gonna like it!

1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 376-3870 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. – Uncle Andy

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OUT ’N ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE

Uncle Andy’s Digesters I need your undivided attention! I have some very important news! No, I do not have little ones on the way… I’m not that crazy! I want to welcome all of you to another highly (not) anticipated Miami Mike, the best column in the Digest.

I spoke with Big Lar (My Dad) earlier today, he was greasing up the ole John Deere so he could drag on that dusty gravel path he calls a driveway, which many of you have undoubtedly driven on like you were in the finishing stretch of the world rally car championship. I thought I would do him a favor and so I called Melanson’s Paving to set him up with a maintenance-free, beautifully paved driveway. They gave me an unbeatable quote and right as I was about to pull the trigger and give them the green light, I realized I’m poor, and have no money!

Let’s just say that on my personal cash flow charts, all my cash flows swiftly out of all my accounts, and come to find out, apparently you cannot pay with hopes and dreams.

If you need some work done but are like me and have bank accounts filled with little more than great aspirations and the future lotto winnings, check out Maine Family Credit Union. Maine is in their name so you know they have to be great because we all know Maine is synonymous with excellence. They can help you get the money you need for that new driveway, a new car, a fowa wheela fowa motha or even that dream house you have been wanting of for years. Whatever it is, if it deals with money, I’m sure they can help ya out. They have a new mobile app too, so they’re keeping up with the times.

As always, Digesters, please follow me on twitter at UADMiamiMike and always feel free to email me about anything at uncleandysdigestmiamimike@aol.com Until next month Digesters, I say Good Day!

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Check the website at www.kidsbowlfree.com

Summer Leagues are now forming!

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If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

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The Amazing Underwater Dog Photography of Seth Casteel

ATed CLUB TEXAS

pack n o i t Ac

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UPCOMING ENTERTAINMENT Sat. May 12th Sat. May 19th Sat. May 26th

The Veggies Cold Blue Steel Twyce Shy

or check out our website for updates on the entertainment schedule

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 ClubTexas.info The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

NOW OPEN MONDAYS! Try us for lunch Monday - Friday Make your Mother’s Day reservations now!

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Jimbo on Uncle Andy... He's a forthright character: Right about a forth of the time.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Switch Tower Pete

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Submitted by Jimbo

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch tower to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

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Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track.

What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Open from 7am-2pm every morning, 3-8pm Fridays & Saturdays.

Check us out!

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

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Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) It is better to live rich than to die rich. – Samuel Johnson

(continued from previous page)

that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe." Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

In A Pinch Submitted by Jimbo

TESTIMONIAL

Paul & Leroy New Auburn Social Club Advertising since June 2010.

See their ad on page 14.

Uncle Andy's Digest does a great job publishing articles on area businesses and pictures of their events.

We like seeing all the pictures of local faces.

We also appreciate the fact that Uncle Andy has always come to see us in person to discuss our ideas for marketing the club. No generic emails or phone calls, just personal face to face service and a friendly firm handshake. That's how we like to do business.

You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

– Jeff Foxworthy

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...

I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS Relationships! Whether it is with spouses or companions, family, co-workers, or friendships – we all have them. All relationships hold a different meaning and purpose in our life. It is important to occasionally take a moment and think about where you and your relationships stand. Relationships can have ups and downs over time, but when one is causing more negative feelings than positive, is no longer mutually beneficial, equal, or safe, it is important to take time to think about how this relationship fits in your life and whether it is healthy for you. This is a very serious and difficult process and you may want to reach out to others for support around decisions of this nature.

Sometimes relationships cross the line of safety and equality. If your feel like you are being belittled, manipulated, financially exploited or used, called names, bullied, threatened, harassed, had your children used against you, or are emotionally and/or physically abused, I encourage you to reach out to Safe Voices, your local domestic violence agency at 1-800-5592927 for immediate help. In addition, a counselor can help you process your complicated feelings and support you during this time. Remember that you are never alone and help is just a phone call away.

I owe it all to little chocolate donuts. – John Belushi

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We service all major brands John Deere® Master Technician

Allison Thompson, LMSW-cc Therapist, Health Affiliates Maine • 1-877-888-4304 See their ad on page 86.

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If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?

The most aggressive form of lactose intolerance is cow tipping.

BACKGROUND CHECKS

Out ’n About in NYC with Panache at Madame Touseau’s Wax Museum

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Christine & Emily with Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne

A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00 Education verification....................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification......................................10.00 Professional License verifications.................................10.00 Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ................................................11.00

Other verification and Private Investigator services are available.

All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability.

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Emily with Prince William & Kate A guy walks into a doctor's office with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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"Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble." – Frank Tyger

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And you thought it only happened in the movies...

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A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?

A: None Marc LaJoie

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

– Jeff Foxworthy

Q: Were there girls?

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Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration

Must Have School Books: “What I Love About Returning To School” by I.M. Kidding

with the Red Sox Legends Photos by Dan Cunliffe

Dwight “Dewey” Evans won 8 Gold Gloves with the Red Sox.

Pedro Martinez an eight-time All-Star, three-time Cy Young Award winner, & 2004 World Series champion.

Carl “Yaz” Yastrzemski & Jimmy Rice take part in the festivities Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Must Have School Books: “Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?” by I. Betty Wont

Must Have School Books: “What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School”

by U. Will Gettitt

Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration with the Red Sox Legends Photos by Dan Cunliffe

Terry “Tito” Francona Red Sox Manager with 2 World Series Championships in 2004 & 2007.

And, yes, we do miss Tito!

Songs For Bible Characters... Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Getting Even

Songs For Bible Characters... Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Submitted by Glen Gisel

A couple were celebrating 50 years together...

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. “Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we're all together today.”

For All Your Salon & Spa Needs to get updates on special services & promotions

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JTReidgunshop.com

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.”

“It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579

DRIVING RANGE

RESTAURANT

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

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John Reid, Owner

MINI-GOLF

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TABERS

Open 7 days a week!

Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake) Off Rt. 4 in Auburn

www.tabersgolf.com

Songs For Bible Characters... Moses: "The Wanderer"

(continued from previous page)

As They Get Old . . . Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.

Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father.

“And cheap ones, too.”

Crossed-eyed Dog Submitted by Jimbo

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

As They Get Old . . . Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

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Out ’n About at Auburn Marine & Small Engine Repair

I may not be funny but parts of me are humerus.

Wow, a 7-year Warranty on these Tanaka Weedwackers, thats unheard of!

Steve Dostie, Executive Director of the Androscoggin Humane Society & Kelly Chase, owner of Auburn Marine Auburn Marine & Small Engine Repair recently donated a brand new Troybilt 828 Snow Blower and Tanaka weed-wacker to The Androscoggin Humane Society in Lewiston.

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Auburn Marine's newest small engine technician, Emily, a Russian Blue Cat owned by Kelly & Kim Chase, owners of Auburn Marine & Small Engine Repair in Auburn

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PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years"

The Amazing Underwater Dog Photography of Seth Casteel

Express yourself.

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If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "Cats know how we feel.

They don't care, but they know."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Ghostly

Pedantic kleptomaniacs take things literally.

Submitted by Jimbo

A husband and wife constantly bickered and fought, often yelling deep into the night. Most fights ended with the husband shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Everybody in the neighborhood who heard this threat feared and avoided him for his temper - a fact he enjoyed right up to the day he dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of one of his tirades.

After his funeral and burial, his widow threw a huge party for the neighborhood to celebrate their shared freedom. The neighbors, however, were concerned for her safety and asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife smiled and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

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FREE USE OF OUR SELF SERVE COMMERCIAL TRUCK WASH STATION for all new customers during the month of April We service all brands of heavy equipment, Light & Heavy Duty Trucks!

Suspension & Springs • Oil Changes Roadside Assistance • Tune Ups & More

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston • 333-3707 www.MaineHeavy.com "Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes."

– Antisthenes

PET & OWNER OF THE MONTH My dog Bruno is a Norwegian Elkhound, and they have tons and tons of energy... energy that does not go away with daily walks and runs. I decided to bring Bruno to Daycare three days a week to help reduce some of his energy and to socialize him. When I adopted Bruno he was scared of other dogs and other people. I noticed a HUGE difference in Bruno from the very first week at Doggone Fun. When I would pick him up at daycare, he would literally fall asleep in the car before leaving Bruce and Lisa's driveway! In the morning Bruno waits by my front door for me to bring him to daycare... if I say Bruce's name at home, Bruno RUNS to the front door.

Bruno loves going to Daycare. I have also noticed a huge difference in Bruno's social skills, he is no longer afraid of people or other dogs. Bruno now greets all dogs and people with a wagging tail, he no longer hides!

Bruno is my child, I do not trust just anyone caring for him... from the moment I met Bruce and Lisa, I knew I could trust them with my dog. Bruno just had a major knee surgery and Bruce has been checking in to see how he is doing... I can tell Bruce loves Bruno, too!

Tracy LaRue-Hanson with her dog, Bruno

Daycare & 24/7 Boarding Facility

528 Lincoln Street, Lewiston

786-2794 DogGoneFunDoggyDayCare.com

World Coveting Championship: Looks likes this year's contest will come down to who wants it more.

Stop anthropomorphizing tools - they hate it.

Cumberland Pellet Stove

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2495

for the month of May

Adirondack Chairs

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www.finewoodproducts.net robm@finewoodproducts.net If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

FEEL THE THUNDER The AYHA Squirt Division “Team Thunder” won the Coca Cola Classic Tournament Squirt C Division in Marlboro, MA in April. Team Thunder won the tournament with a 5-0 record which included two shutouts. They outscored the competition 34-4 and twice defeated the New England Generals “Select” team from Stamford, CT. Team Thunder concluded their 2011 season with a record of 24 wins with only 3 losses. Team Thunder scored 165 goals and only allowed 32 goals over the 27 games they played this season.

Representing the Auburn “Team Thunder” team were: Shawn Allen, Sam Boles, Jonathan Blouin, Taylor Cailler, Jacob Clark, Boden Dock, Gage Doucette, Jacob Dubay, Kurt Heywood, Sam Payne, Jacob Pooler, Ben Lane-Robichaud, Kegan Rodrigue, and Trent Vaillancourt. Absent from the tournament but playing a big part of the Team Thunder season were Max Gamache and Nate McBride. The team coaches were Bill Heywood, Greg Vaillancourt, John Pooler, Scott Rodrigue, and head coach, Rick Cailler.

Special thanks to all the parents and families for their wonderful support for a very “special” team. And Team Thunder would like to express our deepest thanks to our sponsor Gagne and Sons of Auburn for all their help in making this a fantastic season for our superstars! This was the final Auburn Youth Hockey team to play for Auburn. Next year the new Auburn/Lewiston Youth Hockey Association will be representing the twin cities. Congratulations on a great tournament and outstanding 2011 hockey season to Auburn’s TEAM THUNDER!

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

Where’s the Beef?

Submitted by Jimbo

A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day.

"Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!'

We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut - and a hammer.

Metric System In 1795, the French adopted the metric system as their official measurement system.

The United States is the only industrialized country that does not use the metric system as its official system of measurement, although the use of the metric system has been officially sanctioned for use.

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Caught Out ’n About near the UAD office

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think . . . in a deeper voice." – Bill Cosby

We all love the Digest! It’s great for the whole family!!

Grammy with Lila, Quentin & Nikalus

Self Defense While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.

On slow nights my coworker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand.

"If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

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I don't feel like doing anything today. I think I've got an enlarged procrastinate.

"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew." – Herb Caen

Get ready for Summer BODY WAXING at Panache Christine

Emily

Lynn

PEDICURES

Cindy

MANICURES

Elizabeth

Micaela

20 Coburn Street, Auburn

Michelle

studio for hair, nails & massage

(Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday

782-9009

www.panacheauburn.com

You know you're a Redneck if you think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

2 for 1

Kathy

Monday Night Scrambles

Out ’n About in NYC with Panache at Madame Touseau’s Wax Museum

I’d like the works, Lynn. Can you hook me up?

Every Monday starting April 16th

Must present this coupon to receive

ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play. ✃Expires 5.31.12

5:00PM Shotgun Start Singles or full teams are accepted

Junior Golf Schools Get your junior golfer ready for a lifetime experience!

Call Gray Rec. Dept. at 657-2323 for info/sign-up

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com

You know you're a Redneck if you think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

Julia Roberts & Lynn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Signs of Change Submitted by Jimbo

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.

As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

"Why the new sign?" I asked.

"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.

It declared, "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

You may be a Redneck if your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

Xtreme Fit! I T NTERVAL

RAINING

Come exceed your fitness goals in 2012 Call today or log on to our website and check out our schedule, videos & more

XTREME ATHLETICS Xtreme Fit • Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Karate • Zumba®

www.xtremeathleticsmaine.com Phone: 786-9100 You are a Redneck if your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Shipwrecked A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red.

He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!" he says.

"I think I've been marooned!!"

Rt. 4 in Turner • Just past Twitchell’s Airport • 225-3432 • www.G3Firearms.com

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You are a Redneck if your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You could be a Redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

PAINTING PROJECTS START HERE

Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration with the Red Sox Legends Photos by Dan Cunliffe

This just might be my new plan every time I come to Boston. A $25 parking ticket is cheaper than most parking lots!

After spending over an hour trying to find a parking spot near Fenway Park, Dan decided to park in a no parking area and just pay the parking ticket if he got one. He did.

Do I Smell?

Submitted by Jimbo

Handy Hardware 9 Depot Square, Mechanic Falls

345-2091

INSTANT SAVINGS

$

5

OFF each, with coupon

on EasyCare® Platinum Paint and Primer in One, EasyCare® Ultra Premium Interior Paint, WeatherAll® Ultra Premium Exterior Paint and Woodsman® House and Trim Stain Limit 5 gallons. One coupon per household. Maximum coupon value: $25. Not redeemable for cash. Not valid with any other offer or gift cards. Not refundable.

Not transferable. Void where prohibited. Customer is responsible for all taxes.

See store for details. Valid thru 5/13/12.

Hours: M-F 7am-5pm; Sat/ 8am-5pm; Sun 9am-1pm "My opponent can compress the most words into the fewest ideas of anyone I've ever known." – Abraham Lincoln

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

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East Coast Sign & Design is a local company that specializes in quality signage for the 21st century. With 18 years of experience in the industry, owners Tim and Chris Lafrance, use state of the art techniques and designs.

From the sign on the door of a small local shop to lettering on a fleet of company vehicles, East Coast Sign & Design has been meeting the needs of local businesses since 1994. You can see their work all over the twin cities.

“Wrapping or lettering your company vehicles is like investing in a mobile billboard. It’s like showing everyone you pass on the street your business card,” says Tim. “Now you can create a custom graphic to cover your vehicle quicker and for much less than a custom paint job would cost you.”

It’s not just about vehicles though, at East Coast Sign & Design contractors can get job signs, sponsors can get banners, rink boards, and decals, and business owners can get indoor and outdoor signage, and well as business cards, too.

“We take pride in the work we do. We want to give other business owners like us signage that they can be proud of too,” says Chris, coowner/operator. “We’ve always done our best to satisfy the client and stand behind our product.”

East Coast Sign & Design also specializes in boat graphics to get your boat noticed out on the water.

They also do large format printing. They can cover your showroom windows with a high resolution transparent graphic or cover a waiting room wall with your company logo. The possibilities are endless. Give them a call at 7839021 or stop in and see them at 1052 Sabattus Street to talk about what they can do for your company’s image. See their ad on page 86 for more details.

"Slumps are like a soft bed. They’re easy to get into and hard to get out of."

– Johnny Bench

“Feels Like Home!”

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394

Games Pay 50 + 100

ONLY $10

Sunday @ 6:00 pm

IAL C E P S

Monday @ 6:30 pm $2 added to W.T.A.!

Tuesday @ 6:30 pm

AL I C E SP

Wednesday @ 6:30 pm $2 added to W.T.A.!

Thursday @ 6:30 pm

IAL C E P S

Friday @ 6:30 pm Half of $ goes to W.T.A.!

ALSO PLAYING HERE: LHS Music Saturdays @ 6:00

Our 2012 Donations have already exceeded $5,000!

Tim & Chris Lafrance, owners Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

Chuck

Dudley

Since Nov. 28 2011

Since Oct. 18 2011

Bodie

Since March 15 2012

65 Washington St., Dog Grooming Auburn, ME 04210 Daycare & Boutique (207) 333-3640

Est. 2008

The only fully-staffed, cage-free, one-stop shop doggy daycare facility that offers 6,000 sq. ft. of climate-controlled indoor play area, and 20,000 sq. ft. of outdoor play area for small, medium and large dogs!

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT

thedoggzinn@gmail.com • www.facebook.com/thedoggzinn

http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

Ceci

Since Feb. 29 2012

Daisy F.

Since Dec. 29 2011

Since July 30 2010

Abby D.

Out ’n About in NYC with Panache

In the year 2000, Pope John II was made an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters.

at Madame Touseau’s Wax Museum

I only have eyes for you...

with this coupon only • expires 5/31/12

Nice hair!

Emily with The Donald

Songs For Bible Characters... Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Out ’n About in NYC with Panache at Madame Touseau’s Wax Museum

Our newest band member...

Christine with Al Roker & Matt Lauer

Christine with the Spice Girls Christine with Lenny Kravitz

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Songs For Bible Characters... Samson: "Hair"

Songs For Bible Characters... Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

TESTIMONIAL

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant St., Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.dadsplace.info Over the years, we have used several advertising mediums including radio, newspaper, magazines and even direct mail. None of them have pulled their weight like Uncle Andy’s has. We’ve been advertising with UAD for 9+ years, never missing a month! We’ve had great success and have found that UAD is a great value for the amount of exposure we receive. It seems everywhere we go we hear, “I saw your ad in the Digest!” A great example: We recently met with a lady to book a large catering event. When we arrived I asked how she heard about us, she pulls out our full page ad she had taken out of the Digest!

We also enjoy the personal service they give us. The crew at UAD is looking out for our best interest and we trust them emphatically with creating our ads. I would recommend advertising in the Digest to any business. It’s THE place to be! They have truly shown us how consistent marketing is the only way to go.

Why Dogs are Better Than Kids 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter?

NOT! Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42. Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000.

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.

Greatest Inventions Submitted by Richard Collins

Pictured left to right: Tamara, Lisa, Cindy, Larry, Sam & Diana Dad’s Place is owned by Larry & Diana Roy (pictured above)

Advertiser since 2003 See their ad on page 9 Songs For Bible Characters... Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

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Out ’n About in NYC with Panache at Madame Touseau’s Wax Museum My favorite movie with you in it was Bruce Almighty!

Lynn with Morgan Freeman

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception. – Groucho Marx.

NOW OPEN

Maine’s ONLY premier indoor shooting range Everyone welcome • Firearm rentals • Lessons • Open Daily • Call for prices & membership • Concealed weapons classes

481 Maine St. Poland Spring 998-2806 • 576-9535 576-1553

What, say what again!

Sweet Pea Designs I love Royale’s with cheese.

Samuel L Jackson, Christine & John Travolta

A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."

A father said to his teenage daughter, "I want you home by 11:00 tonight."

"But Daddy," she protested, "I'm not a little girl anymore."

"You're right." he answered. "Better make it 10:30!"

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Wedding Planner & Flower Shoppe

Call now to schedule your personal consultation for that special day.

777-1520 or 577-2130 www.sweetpeafloraldesignsme.com

✔ Soft Ball Teams ✔ Little League Teams ✔ Shirts ✔ Hats ✔ Pants From basic uniforms to full uniforms

Call today!!

Screenprinting and Embroidery

730 Main St, Lewiston (next to Salvation Army) • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com If the nucleus of an atom was the size of a soccer ball, the nearest electron would be three miles away.

You might be a redneck if… you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. – Jeff Foxworthy

Life in the 1500's Submitted by Jim Collins

Earn

10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon!

We all love our mom’s so we’re giving away 10% more money for your returnables this month!

Expires 5.31.12

Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm

Richard Conway, owner

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

Book Your Prom & Wedding Updos NOW! Make it a party: Book for you and your friends or wedding party

Ann Dumais

Kelly Giambra

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch

Lisa Olmstead

Pauline Guimond

Lysa Ronan

Valerie Kelshaw

Jacinta Labbe

We would like to wish all our moms a very special Mother’s Day! Honor your mom with a gift card for any of our professional services.

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

786-4311

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say: "Take my advice. I'm not using it."

We are a full service salon Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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All Hail the Queen Angie recently won the sales contest, “Cash Flow King/Queen” at Uncle Andy’s Digest. She was crowned with cash and fabulous prizes. Congratulate her when you see her.

It was great beating 3 sales guys to win the crown!

Angie Lafrance Sales staff at Uncle Andy’s Digest

Sick Tree We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark.

We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error.

I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop!

You're barking up the wrong tree!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

COMMUNITY RECYCLES THOUSANDS OF POUNDS On Saturday, April 21, 2012, Community Credit Union hosted a Community Recycle Day to help community members do their part in saving the earth.

“The event was a huge success,” said Kerry Wood, Executive Vice President for Community Credit Union. “This was our fourth year holding the event. We initially wanted to expand a recycling program we currently offer to members by doing a large community event in celebration of Earth Day. In looking at the growing participation this year, we now realize that it’s a much needed community event and greatly appreciated by those who dropped items off.”

Several local organizations joined forces to make this event a success including Community Credit Union, eWaste Recycling Solutions, Security Shredding, and Stratham Tire. The following was recycled as a result of the event: • 30,000 pounds of electronics including CPUs, televisions and more • 200 tires • 2,657 pounds of paper for shredding Community Credit Union runs a program they designed called “Do Your Part” each quarter. It allows members to do their part in saving the earth by participating in different recycling opportunities including the recycling of cell phones and eye glasses. They also periodically hold Shredding events and Stop Junk Mail campaigns. Visit www.communitycreditunion.com to learn more about upcoming community efforts.

Community Credit Union is a memberowned, full service financial institution that has been serving its members since 1945. Community Credit Union has branches located at 144 Pine Street, Lewiston and 40 Stanley Street, Auburn.

For more information, log onto www.communitycreditunion.com

As They Get Old . . . Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

As They Get Old . . . Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

The Attack of the Cute

0

892-822

on Rt

Songs For Bible Characters... Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

MAY SPECIAL No Line Bifocals Frame & Lens Complete Package*

*Specialty lenses & lens enhancements are extra. Not to be combined with any other offer. See associate for details.

$

MUST PRESENT COUPON. • Expires 5/31/12

99

Now accepting most major insurances 120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Vision at a Value Search VIPEyes Auburn

Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

783-4226

As They Get Old . . . Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

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Give me a call.

I’ll show you the money!

"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."

– Sam Snead

Willow Run Dental Association Geraldine Schneider, DMD Scott Beckerman, DMD Jeffrey Sloan, DDS

Ron Childs Willo w

Lawyer Laughs

Now accepting new patients

n Dent Ru

soc.

As al

of Auto Core Pick-up

• Family cosmetic dentistry • Emergency same-day care • Most insurance plans accepted

783-0261 One Willow Run Unit 1-B Auburn, ME

Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Fried Rice A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.

As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice?

Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."

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Let us do what we do BEST So you can do what you do BEST Call us today for a no obligation consultation to see if we can help you do business better!

RCC Business Services, Inc. Financial & Advisory Services for Small Businesses 143 First Flight Drive, Auburn • 795-0663 www.RCCmaine.com

 QuickBooks Consulting  QuickBooks Hosting  Bookkeeping  MaineCare Billing  Accounts Receivable Management  Financial Reporting

Proadvisors, for confidence Certified Staff, for training Hosting, for virtual support

Fishing for Compliments: Standing in the kitchen next to the toaster with my glass raised.

Nothing.

If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment.

Newest Digest Fan!

WOOD PELLET $ave on heating costs

WOUT O L B Environmentally Friendly

$

220/TON

Meet

100% Maine Wood Pellets While supplies last!

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

Ryder Scott Danforth

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

Born April 6th at 3:03am Weighing in at 7lbs 9oz and he was 20” long

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.esmpellets.com

The proud parents are: Kelley & Nick Danforth

I look at barbecuing as a challenge. Me, I want to char where no man has charred before!

Now Accepting New Patients Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. COMPREHENSIVE FAMILY DENTAL CARE IN A RELAXING, COMFORTABLE ATMOSPHERE

1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 376-4977 www.kevinconnellydmd.com

Make your heart healthy...

Contact me!! mindyfortin.bodybyvi.com and learn how you can lose weight, build lean muscle, gain energy... and how you can do it for FREE!

As They Get Old . . . Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Old but good Paraproskokians: (Paraproskokians are phrases that lead us down the path to an unexpected ending.)

Out ’n About

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

It’s great to be back in the Digest again...

SAVE GAS - RIDE A GOLF CART • Campers • Senior Citizens • Campground and RV Owners • Free Delivery - 40 mile radius • Conversion Lift Kits • 4 passenger cars

Eliza Weymouth & Karen Cloutier

HUGE SALE

497 Washington St. Auburn • 783-3232

at Subway in Auburn

Lawyer Laughs Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

Were you alone or by yourself?

How Do You Like Your Meat Cooked?

Rare... medium... well done...

I’ve got all three types of burns on my hands from barbecuing this weekend.

Two Local Destination Imagination Teams Qualify for World Competition

Challenge A students: Brittnee Marie Gagne, Emily Belegarde, Gabby McAlister & Joey Levesque

Challenge E students: (Back Row) Evan Stoner, Ender Ricard & Alyssa McNally; (middle) Team Manager/District Coordinator Genevieve Ricard; (front row) Emily Boenig, Oracle Stoner, and Lilly Coltart

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Recently a group of 2nd and 3rd graders and one 5th grader from a small Maine town made a big splash winning 1st place at their State Destination Imagination competition in Bangor. In RSU 16, nine students from Elm Street School in Mechanic Falls and one student from Poland Community School in Poland participated on two unbelievable teams that have now earned the opportunity to compete on May 23-26, 2012 in Tennessee with teams from all over the world, representing Maine, our community and schools!

Destination Imagination is a creative Problem Solving Program for teams of two to seven students. This is an academic extra curricular activity offered through the RSU 16 Schools which encourages and teaches children to challenge themselves academically, develop teamwork and leadership skills, explore their interests, and showcase their unique talents. This program provides 6 challenges that students can choose from. The challenges are mechanical, scientific, creative arts, improvisational, and structural in nature. They are designed to be solved over a 5-7 month period. The most important part of the challenges is that the children have to solve them 100% on their own with no help or interference from anyone else.

In the course of 5 months each team had a task to do as well as come up with a story to help aid in completing that task. One team chose Challenge A: Assembly Required where in 8 minutes they had to design a piece of equipment/vehicle that was mobile through some sort of power source of the team’s choosing, could retrieve and deliver parts, had a device to load and unload parts, and could completely carry one team member. They also had to fill product orders on two products that they designed each have 3-9 parts to assemble. They had to create a story about something happening just in time integrating the vehicle, picking up the parts for each product in one location, taking it them to a second location to assemble and finally to a third location for delivery. The other team chose Challenge E: Hold It where in 8 minutes they had to Build a structure made of wood and glue weighing less than 75 grams that could support as much weight as possible (They held 635lbs at States!) and hold golf balls delivered to it. In addition they had to design and build a device that would deliver golf balls into the structure from 10 inches away. All of this needed to be done within a story explaining why weights were being placed and golf balls delivered.

Now that they have won at the state level they have the opportunity to compete at the world level against 1000 teams from all over the world! But we need help to get there. It costs $635 per person for room and board for the 5 days we are there and another $300 per person for the bus we are taking to Tennessee from Maine. With 20 people going (10 students from 2 different teams and one required adult per student due to their young age), we need to raise nearly $20,000. We would greatly appreciate a donation/sponsorship to help pay these expenses for our students to have this once in a life time opportunity. We couldn’t be prouder of these children who will represent our small community on the world stage showcasing their knowledge, skill, and teamwork!

In addition to accepting donations, we have lots of fundraising events coming up. Check out our web site at www.rsu16di.com for ways to help support these kids and upcoming events. Or contact Genevieve Ricard at gricard2000@gmail.com or call her at 978-866-4580 FMI.

Old but good Paraproskokians: The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

But it's still on my list.

Old but good Paraproskokians: Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We may like to joke around & play... ...but we’re serious about helping you with all of your hair & nail needs!

Call for an appointment Walk-ins welcome

Tea For Two Submitted by Jimbo

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

600 Center Street • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 786-0112

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

Old but good Paraproskokians: If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

www.abcpool.com

Your kids will always have “Something to do” on those hot summer days. And because your ABC Pool is virtually maintenance free you’ll enjoy it even more.

We offer a full line of above ground pools with a price that’s right for any budget.

Old but good Paraproskokians: We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

In 1731, English sailor Robert Jenkins lost his ear when a Spanish ship plundered his ship. England fought the War of Jenkin's Ear vs. Spain (from 1739 to 1748) over this incident!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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NEXT Level Business Coaching Go Home On Time – Sleep Well At Night

What is business coaching?

Call 207-376-3239 for a confidential 90 minute consultation on any two business issues you are facing – no charge.

Guaranteed to provide you with strategies you can put to use right away.

Old but good Paraproskokians: War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Uncle Andy for President With a lot of spare time on his hands, Uncle Andy has decided to throw his hat into the ring.

“What do I have to lose,” says Uncle Andy. “I can’t do any worse than the other guys making fools of themselves.”

Look for Uncle Andy at the next Presidental Debate. He is currently taking applications for his campaign manager’s position. Also, if anyone has a few extra bucks kicking around, he would love it if you’d support his run for the presidency.

Quality T-shirts

by Varsity Lettering

Get your T-shirt before they’re gone!

Only $14.99. Call him today at 212-1515.

Old but good Paraproskokians: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Mother’s Day Specials for the entire month of May

FREE

4 oz. Abba Shampoo & Conditioner

The Snowbird Cat Submitted by Jimbo

A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared.

She searched for him high and low for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned.

When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.

with all colors over $60

Ally, Sheila, Nicole, Angie

One coupon per customer • Expires 5.31.12

June 22 & 23 ~ Community Day in McFalls

50% OFF

Spray Cuts!

SHEILA’S HAIR SALON

June 22-23 only

345-3819

Hours: Tues. - Fri. 9am-7pm • Sat. 9-2

5 South Main Street, Mechanic Falls

Old but good Paraproskokians: Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, (continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page)

and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"

"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes!

He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us.

He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "Billionaire."

Teacher: What’s the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?

Student: Bamba'lakkadi Jimba.

Teacher: I dont understand anything you said.

Student: Same here.

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Old but good Paraproskokians: Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

E.L.H.S. Class of 1972 Plans 40th Reunion Red Solo cup, I fill you up...

Let’s have a party!

Did Uncle Andy even graduate?

We want everyone from our class to be there!

Contact us: ELclass72 @yahoo.com

Edward Little H.S. Class of 1972 is planning their 40th class reunion.

It will be held at the Hilton Garden Inn in Auburn on July 28th.

The planning committee consists of: Candy Gleason, Karen Nichols, Ann Lawler, Poppy Arford, June Kordalski, Nancy Williams, Paula Bouffard, Cindy Sloat, Jim Nutting, Jackie Labbe & Brad Sloat.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?"

It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Faux Net Tricks...”Say it out loud!”

We’re not just another novelty t-shirt company. We’re a COOL t-shirt company that has created a whole new way for you to say what’s on your mind using a PLAY ON WORDS! Some people ask, “How did you come up with the name Faux Net Tricks?” We spin sayings using phonetics, so we thought it would only be appropriate to spin our name as well. We also wanted to tie in that we are tricking you with word play. The end result: Faux Net Tricks.

We offer a unique collection of creative designs that we’ve broken into 4 distinct product lines: SHOW-YOUR-SUPPORT WEAR – A hip, creative way to show your support for cancer awareness and treatment. 10% of the proceeds from this line go directly to local cancer centers.

ANYWHERE WEAR – Our line that can be worn anywhere, featuring phonetic designs that people say every day. Definitely a great way to start a conversation and get a smile or a chuckle!

DEFINITELY-NOT-CHURCH WEAR – Providing a way for folks to say just what’s on their mind without ever speaking a word... just point to your shirt! Great shirts for social gatherings with people who appreciate a good laugh, but use caution not to read these designs out loud during a visit to Grandma’s house...or wear them to church!

NOT-WEAR – Just like it sounds – stuff that isn’t worn, but definitely loved! Stickers, clings, beverage coolies and the like.

The owners and creative minds of the company are longtime friends Judi Keene, Sara Marsh, and Lisa Novicki. All were born and raised in Lewiston and are proud to be a Maine-based, women-owned company operating right here in the L/A area. Their unique designs are offered on great quality, stylish apparel, mugs and more.

More information and the complete product line can be found at Judy, Sara & Lisa fauxnettricks.com and on Facebook at facebook.com/fauxnettricks.

Owners

Old but good Paraproskokians: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Old but good Paraproskokians: Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The Agency

Out ’n About at the Diva Mall at Lost Valley

Assisting families since 1997 Assisted Home Care is a registered home health services agency that provides:

• Registered Nurse • Licensed Practical Nurse • Certified Nurses Aides • Certified Medical Technicians • Certified Residential Medication Aides • Personal Care Assistants Our highly qualified and experienced staff are supervised by a Registered Nurse.

The Family We see ourselves as a family - a family that wants to assist you and your family with:

Once the call has been made, we can provide services in as little as 4 hours.

Home C d e t ar sis s e A 550 College St., Lewiston

• Personal Care • Medication Reminders • Meal Preparation • Feeding • Light Housekeeping • Laundry • Errands • Companionship • Respite Care

783-7375

In your time of need.

We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Now Hiring CNA’s

Ashley Wood Revelation Massage New Moms, join our new stroller fitness classes!

See our ad on page 34.

Kelli Gilzow

NEW CERAMIC PRO 100% ACRYLIC HOUSE PAINT

ON SALE NOW!

owner of SPRQ Studio

Superior Value!

Competitive Price!

Formulated with an advanced acrylic resin emulsion, Ceramic Pro provides the painted surface with long-lasting protection. Available in Lo-Sheen and Soft Gloss finishes.

516 Sabattus St., Lewiston

784-1993 www.lewistonpaint.com

Eric and Jen Audette Sentsy

M-F 7am-5pm • Sat 7:30am - 1pm

Old but good Paraproskokians: You do not need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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A special request was made anonymously to wish Rick Montimy a

Happy Birthday So, here he is on his birthday in 2010...

on his birthday in 2011...

Old but good Paraproskokians: A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

FROM STONE DUST TO ROC

St. Laurent & Son is pleased to announce the acquisition of the former Glen Dube Gra located less than a half mile from the Maine Turnpike. The gravel pit now has a la Pick up and delivery are availa

Locally owned and operated since 1970!

NOW ACCEPTING EMPLOYMENT APPLICATIONS

on his birthday May 1st, 2012...

Look who’s 42!

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

784-7944 Smile, Rick!

It’s your Birthday!!

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www.stlaurentandson.com Old but good Paraproskokians: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Old but good Paraproskokians: I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

CK, WE HAVE IT IN STOCK!

avel Pit located at 168 Middle Road (Rt. 9) in Sabattus. The gravel pit is conveniently arge scale crushing/processing operation and offers a wide variety of aggregates. able. Call our office for pricing.

Anxious Bride Submitted by Jimbo

During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

My daughter was telling me about a trip to the zoo with her grandparents and how she saw a very large turtle who approached them.

She exclaimed, "He was walking right tortoise!"

Old but good Paraproskokians: Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

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Out ’n About at the Diva Mall

Old but good Paraproskokians: I thought I wanted a career.

Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

at Lost Valley

Are you in the market to buy a new or used truck or car?

Rainbow Federal Credit Union is here to help. Come in today to apply or apply online at

Jackie Lapointe and Tami Bilodeau Silpada Congrats to Kurk Lalemand for winning business coach of the year award!

www.rainbowfcu.com Federally insured by NCUA Main, Rainbow FCU Office 381-391 Main St. Lewiston 207-784-5435 Fax: 207-795-6238

Mechanic Falls Branch 1 Lewiston Street, McFalls 207-346-3001 Fax: 207-346-3012

South Paris Branch 172 Pine Street, So. Paris 207-743-5410 Fax: 207-743-9331

Auburn Office 20 Washington St., Auburn 207-783-0351 Fax: 207-786-0523

Old but good Paraproskokians: A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Gail Rodrigue-duBois & Diane Dubois, owner

Your Concept...

...Our Design

of Cassiel's Salon & Spa

10’x12’ Oak Kitchen with countertop $1,99999 10’x12’ Birch Kitchen with countertop $2,09999 Sarah Legare & Cari Beach Ellie Anna Purse Co.

The person who invented thumb twiddling didn't do it singlehandedly.

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1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

897-3400 or 1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston

784-3100

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Old but good Paraproskokians: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.

To steal from many is research.

WITHOUT A PROFESSIONAL

WEBSITE YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS

COMMERCIAL WEB DESIGN SINCE 1993 www.CoreZero.com 207-212-2432

As They Get Old . . . Old doctors never die, they just lose their patients.

Oh boy...

That one snuck out!

MOM!!!!!

Sonny The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.

When he arrived the young operator said, "Here you are, son!"

"How dare you call me son!?!" exclaimed the outraged man.

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As They Get Old . . . Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Little Known Fact

As They Get Old . . . Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

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Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

Lewis and Clark’s female Indian guide, Sacagawea, is depicted on the U. S. gold dollar coin with her son on her back. She was married to a French trapper named Toussaint Charbonneau.

Their son, on her back, was named Jean Baptiste Charbonneau.

Sacagawea died at the age of 24.

– Submitted by Richard Collins

The key to good barbecuing is having a sauce that can cover up your mistakes.

Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration with the Red Sox Legends

Is it time for a new driveway?

WE CAN HELP!

Photos by Dan Cunliffe

Commercial • Residential • Industrial Jason Varitek, David Ortiz, Tim Wakefield, Johnny Pesky & Bobby Doerr

We also offer:

Asphalt Repair • Asphalt Removal Driveway Sealing • Concrete Parking Lot Paving • And More!

Call us today for your FREE quote!

Superior Paving Company Fenway Park was loaded with lots of legends of yesteryear...

As They Get Old . . . Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

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Winning Streak

As They Get Old . . . Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Submitted by Jimbo

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

May Is:

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

Graduation

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

Wine Flavor In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of Uncle Andy’s Digest (their LA edition). She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."

Angie was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

Proms

We’ve got you covered!

Recitals

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 www.annsflower.com

Nurse s Day Mother s Day Memorial Day

Offering counseling for:

Healthy Relationships

• Relationship Issues • Effective Communication • Couples & Families

Sharing A Journey To Wellness

)Health Affiliates Maine 1.877.888.4304

♦

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Locations Statewide

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eastcoastsigndesign.com

"Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."

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As They Get Old . . . Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me. – Uncle Andy

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Out ’n About at the Diva Mall at Lost Valley

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

20% OFF all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks

Large Selection of Fenton Glassware!

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE! 20% - 75% OFF

Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Make A Wish Foundation

Pat Hutter Lindt Chocolate Have you heard about my blog, it’s called “Cuz Ron Says So!”

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

I used to work in a helium factory but I quit, I refused to be talked to in that tone.

Ron Kyllonen Sarah Jeanne’s Day Spa, S&J Tuxedo and Limo & My It Works

I barbecued last weekend, but it wasn't such a big deal. Only two alarms.

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X-Ray ‘F’

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

TESTIMONIAL

"You know the self Xray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student.

"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."

Q: What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

730 Center Street (next to Flagship Cinema in Auburn), 376-4855 Jasmine Cafe is an Asian Fusion Restaurant & lounge offering Thai, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Sushi & more. They also have a full bar with warm & cold Sake, Saketinis and other unique Asian Beverages like Thai Beers & Asian Plum Wine.

If you haven’t, try them today!

Advertising in Uncle Andy's Digest has worked really well for us. It’s very affordable and brings customers into our restaurant every month.

We highly recommend Uncle Andy's Digest to anyone considering advertising their business. They service our account personally every month and help us come up with marketing ideas. We have advertised in many other venues, none work as well as Uncle Andy's Digest has.

A. AGE.

Yacht-zee I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht. Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that branch.

Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

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Alex Perreault & Supannee Saengwong Owners of Jasmine Cafe Advertising since they opened in May 2011 See their ad on page 42.

A speleologist studies caves.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

Little Known Facts Satchel Paige is a baseball hall of fame pitcher who spent most of his career in the Negro Leagues. He finally made the majors in 1948 with Cleveland.

He pitched in the majors until 1953 when he was 46 years old. In 1956, Charles Finley, who owned the Kansas City Athletics, before moving them to Oakland, signed the 58 year old Satchel Paige to a pitching contract.

He got into one game.

It was against the Red Sox. He pitched three scoreless innings, giving up only one hit. It was a double by Carl Yastzremski. Some say he was one of the best pitchers, if not the best pitchers, who ever lived.

– Submitted by Richard Collins

Each year the National Cherry Blossom Festival celebrates spring in Washington D. C. One of the major events of the festival is the crowning of the Queen from candidates from all over the country.

The late Carolyn Drigotas, an Auburn native and Edward Little High School graduate was crowned Queen of the 1958 Cherry Blossom Festival – Submitted by Richard Collins

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

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Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

PAVING & SEALCOATING

Out ’n About at the Diva Mall at Lost Valley

Residential & Commercial Call for FREE Estimates

MELANSON CONSTRUCTION, I NC.

Amy McPherson

84 No Name Pond Road, Lewiston • 784-5899

Jamberry Nails

Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration

Lawyer Laughs Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

It’s Driveway Season Get it Done and get it DONE RIGHT Draining • General Excavation DI GI • Septic Systems • Affordable & Dependable T! CHENARD EXCAVATION Call Gerry 576-3914 Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.

Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Lawyer Laughs Actual questions asked by lawyers taken from official records nationwide:

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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The Attack of the Cute

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

– Uncle Andy

WEBSTER’S TRADING CO. BUY • SELL • TRADE • PAWN 150 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-6402

Need a loan?

We’ll buy, trade, pawn your gun collection!

HUGE SELECTION OF GUNS

We Rent Budget Trucks!

Get a quote from another company, bring it to us

& WE’LL BEAT IT!

WE’RE ALWAYS BUYING AND SELLING! Gold, silver, firearms, estates or anything you might think has value!

Stop in – Let’s talk!! www.websterstradingcompany.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. – Chinese Proverb

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! DAILY SPECIALS Monday - 2 Crabmeat Rolls . . . . . . . . .$8.95 w/salad & chips

Tues. Wed. & Thurs.

Fried Clams - sm. $11.75 . . . .lg. $15.25 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . . . . . . . . .$7.95 w/potato, carrots, gravy & rolls

Friday & Saturday

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . .$6.95

After 4:00 PM Prime Rib Au Jus*

Thursday - 2 Lobster Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.95

w/potato & rolls w/ salad & chips

I love the customers here, we see a lot of the same faces coming back every week for our great food.

Speaking of great food, our Lobster Rolls are back, come have one today!

Small $13.50 • Large $16.25

Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried Haddock* $11.65 Baked Stuffed Haddock* Small $10.25 • Large $13.95

Fried Seafood Combo* $16.95

Grilled Salmon $11.25 includes Potato, Choice of Salad or Coleslaw *with Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Hours: Sunday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday & Saturday 6am – 9:30pm

It's the season for driveway repairs. While having your cracked or uneven driveway resurfaced this Spring is a good idea, you have to be careful not to get scammed.

If someone comes knocking on your door claiming they have extra hot top and can give you a good deal if you let them resurface your driveway that same day, beware. It can most likely be a scam. You may be overcharged for a quick job which will have to be repaired again in the near future. Contractors are required to call Dig Safe before excavating and starting work the same day a contract is signed between the contractor and property owner is not permitted. So call a professional contractor and get it done and done right!

Art Vandals

Mike Gamblin grew up in Waterville, is a huge Pat’s fan, now lives in Gray and is getting married in October.

64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner.

It seems that his vocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.

DO YOU LOVE THE DIGEST? Do you have a family member living away who also loves it?

Buy yourself or them a subscription to Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Only $30 for the whole year (12 editions).

We’ll mail it directly to their residence each and every month! Perfect any time of the year...

Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas or just because!

A TIP from Chenard Excavation

Give us a call!

Uncle Andy’s Digest, PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 • (207) 783-7039 Sometimes the only way you can take a really good look at yourself is through somebody else's eyes.

Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having "corrupted the murals of a miner."

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Pony Express The Pony Express was a fast mail service crossing the Great Plains, the Rocky Mountains, and the High Sierra from St. Joseph, Missouri, to Sacramento, California, from April 3, 1860 to October 1861.

During its 18 months of operation, it reduced the time for messages to travel between the Atlantic and Pacific coasts to about ten days.

Heavy Rain A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area.

One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.

It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."

We travel much, yet are prisoners that are closely tied to boot. We keep pace with the fastest horse, yet always go on foot. Who are we?

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet.

• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

Anyone you know?

The only one we know is 7th from the right in the front row...

It’s our friend Rich Pelletier of Pelletier’s Karate

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Answer: Spurs Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Sarah Jeanne’s

Your Prom g & Weddin ters!

Headquar

Tanning & Day Spa

Family Hair Care

• Updos • Hair Services • Manicures • Pedicures • Hot Tub • Sauna • Massage • Tanning • Body Waxing • Body Wraps • Facials • Eyelashes • Limos • Tuxedos • And More!

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • www.sarahjeannes.com

795-6778

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at a price you can afford!

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S&J Tuxedos And Limo Service (Affiliated with Sarah Jeanne’s)

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333-3737

FREE with coupon (call for details)

The catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game in 1877,

by James Tyng of Harvard, in an exhibition game against the Live Oaks of Lynn, Mass. In 1878 Frederick Thayer, manager and 3rd baseman for the Harvard team, applied for and received a patent for the mask.

And catchers are forever grateful!

If you count one star a second, you won't get out of our own galaxy in over 2,000 years.

Paid in Pennies Submitted by Richard Collins

While on tour, the Marx Brothers performed at a theater in the midwest. After the show, the owner paid the brothers with bags of pennies. As they were driving away, a furious Harpo yelled out, "I hope your theater burns down." Two days later, the theater burned down.

Later Groucho said, "That’s why we never let Harpo talk.

His voice was too dangerous."

I love to barbecue. Last night I barbecued a chicken, a basting brush, and two Betty Crocker oven mittens.

Gas Coupon Submitted by Gene Couillard

We didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.

We have seen them around, but until recently never took them. You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them before they lose their value, and it's too late!

La Florida Juan Ponce de Leon was a Spanish explorer. He led the first European expedition to Florida. He named it La Florida in recognition of the verdant landscape and because it was the Easter season, which the Spaniards called Pascua Florida (Festival of Flowers).

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A man once lost his car in a parking garage for two years. The tab: $3,400.

Great Office Space Available for Rent

900 SQUARE FEET OF PRIME OFFICE SPACE FOR RENT (An additional 400 square foot 3rd floor also available if necessary).

This second floor office space is perfect for any business needing professional office space. It has 3 separate offices with waiting area, private full bath and full kitchen. Hardwood floors throughout.

EVERYTHING INCLUDED IN RENT: Heat, hot water, sewer, electricity, internet, plowing, trash removal & off-street parking. Signage space also available.

Located at 9 Grove Street in Auburn.

Across from Pat’s Pizza on Center Street.

This prime office space is available NOW! Call Jim at 576-4844 FMI or to set up a viewing.

Need it gone?

WE DO THAT! Construction Site Waste • Apartment Building Clean outs • Rental Property Clean outs Old Junk • Old furniture • Old appliances • And More!

We have the technology and the manpower to take care of your clean out project affordably and efficiently. Call H.I. Rick for a FREE quote for your clean out!

H.I. Rick

For All General Home Repairs & Improvements

HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES Carpentry • Plumbing • Flooring • Painting Plowing & much more!

Call us today for a FREE quote!

ut about o d n fi to y a d to ll Ca l! our Spring Specia

784-8922

On the door of a photographer’s office: “Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.”

This Month’s Specials

Maine Seasonal Pest Control Andrew Ferguson Master Applicator

346-1678

May is get rid of ants month!

Uncle Andy says it’s time to spray for bugs!

1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 ADD A NEW BATHROOM

S A N I PLUS FOR YOUR CELLAR

No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

MESeasonalPest@aol.com Lic # CMA44691/7A7B7E

HARRIS BROTHERS

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

Large BLT Sub $4.99 Roadies 1-Breast Chicken Dinner $4.29

Downeast Sharpening

743-3891

Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment

HARRIS BROS.

Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

MAY TUNE-UP SPECIAL $ 25 OFF Bill plus FREE oil filter & nozzle!

Call now to schedule and be entered into a drawing for a $50 gift Card to Fish Bones American Grill in Lewiston!

Phone: (207) 225-3000 • Toll-Free: (800) 491-7888

www.murrayoil.com • murray@murrayoil.com

Actual sign in a store: “Bargain Basement Upstairs”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

783-7039 99

The Attack of the Cute

Songs For Bible Characters... Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

DON’S NO PREFERENCE TOWING CO. Ask for Don or Debbie for all your towing needs

940 Washington St. • Auburn • 784-4619

Call us if you are broken down.

We now offer Roadside Assistance, such as tire changes and lockouts.

We carry 60 new Interstate batteries, air compressor, and tools to fix small problems.

Don’s DBA...

MORRIS AUTO PARTS LE

C CY RE

RE DU C E

RE-USE

One coupon per customer

940 Washington St. North • 784-7374 or 800-730-7374 • Mon. - Fri. 8 - 5 • Sat. 8 - 12

15

% OFF

In-stock auto & truck parts

TOGETHER LET’S THINK GREEN AND RECYCLE! Out ’n About at Gipper’s Sports Grill We love catching all the Sox games in HD at Gippers!

Opening day festivities are always a good time here. Even more so than driving the beverage cart at Fox Ridge.

Mike McKew, Michelle Gravel, Mike Truchon & Tom Truchon Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

100

MAY 2012

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Songs For Bible Characters... Peter: "I'm Sorry"

➢ UNCLE ANDY’S CLASSIFIED ADS ➢ Automotive Mike Morin’s Auto Center Free shuttle with all repair work 1122 Center Street, Auburn 753-0433

Construction Timber-Built Construction New home construction, Sunrooms, Garages 753-9887 or 576-8528

Armand’s Autobody Free Estimates Satisfaction Guarantee Call Dan Dumont @ 782-7113

St. Laurent & Sons

Emerson Toyota Your next vehicle is here!

990 Center Street, Auburn 784-1348

Call 784-7944 or order online at stlaurentandson.com 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Sound Effects Car audio & remote starters 216 Center St, Auburn 777-3339 Independent Auto Sales High quality cars & trucks 1298 Sabattus Street, Lewiston IndependentAuto.com Lake City Exports L/A’s premiere pre-owned lot 867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033 Donovan’s Auto Sales 50 vehicles in stock Rt. 202, Greene, 753-0433 Donovansauto.com

Stone Dust to Rock, we have it in stock!

We Deliver.

Remodeling

For Rent

Employment

900 Sq. Ft. of Prime Office Space For Rent

Experienced Barber or Stylist Opening at Hair 2000 in Lewiston Call Kim at 783-7373

This second floor office space is perfect for a professional office setting. It has 3 separate offices with waiting area, private full bath and full kitchen.

Hardwood floors throughout.

EVERYTHING IS INCLUDED IN YOUR RENT: Heat, hot water, sewer, electricity, internet, plowing, trash removal & off-street parking for you and your clients.

Kitchen Solutions 10’ x 12’ Oak Kitchen with countertop only $1,999.

Call 897-3400 FMI

Countertops, Etc Custom built cabinets & countertops. Over 100 satisfied customers. Call me to find out why!

212-3203

Located on Grove Street in Auburn, right off Center Street.

Call Jim at 576-4844 FMI or to set up a viewing. See page 97 to see photos of office space.

Trash Outs Home Improvement Services Need it gone - call us today 784-8922

TOM’S AUTO PARTS Large selection of new and used auto parts. Call for your needs. Shipping available in USA. Call 375-4475.

Abandoned Vehicle Abandoned 1995 Honda Civic VIN# JHMEG1148SS005400 Vehicle must be retrieved by owner within 14 days or ownership of the vehicle will pass to the owner of this establishment at 304 Lisbon Road in Lisbon.

Contact Mike at 207-353-6100

Did You Know?

Running a display ad along with a classified doubles your exposure and makes the average number of impressions necessary to be successful happen at a quicker pace?

Uncle Andy’s Digest

HAIR 2000

Urban Edge Hair Studio Stylist needed for booth rental Established clientele preferred Call Linda @ 784-3522

General Have you liked us on Facebook yet?

“LIKE” Uncle Andy’s Digest on Facebook to hear about upcoming events, promotions, giveaways and even get a chuckle from one of our jokes or one-liners!

Scan the QR Code below or find us on facebook @ facebook.com/ UncleAndysDigest

Classified advertising

It doesn’t get any more affordable!

Call us today for more info @ 783-7039 or email: editor@UncleAndys.com

Songs For Bible Characters... Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

783-7039 101

Brain Teaser

Uncle Andy’s thoughts on investing: I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up.

You are a bus driver. At the first stop, 6 people get on. At the second stop, 12 people get on.

At the third stop, 3 people get off, and at the last stop, everyone gets off. The question is: What color are the bus drivers eyes?

In 1934, Shirley Temple appeared in her first movie, "Stand Up and Cheer." By the end of 1934 she was one of Hollywood's top stars, and the following year she received a special Academy Award as "the outstanding personality of 1934."

"Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. That's what I have to say. The second is only part of the first."

– Anna Quindlen

Visionary Submitted by Jimbo An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames.

The lenses will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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MAY 2012

783-7039

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Out ’n About at Fenway Park for the 100th Year Anniversary Celebration with the Red Sox Legends Photos by Dan Cunliffe

Glenda Mitchell (showroom consultant) and Tim Fox (showroom manager)

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

Partnering with Professionals

784-5721 3 Middle Street, Lewiston

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

Uncle Andy says inquiring minds want to know... Q: What is a nitrate?

A: Much cheaper than a day rate.

Out ’n About at the Reggae Fest at Sugarloaf Someone said Uncle Andy might be here today...

I just love the Reggae Fest!

Does this T-shirt match my sandals?

Waldo

Hi Mom!

Save time . . . see it my way.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

MAY 2012

783-7039 103

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Get Your Ride Ready for Summer!

Stop by and test drive one of these fun summer cars!

NOW OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK!!

• Full Reconditioning • Hand Car Wash & Wax • Interior Cleaning • Dualies & Denalis welcome

MAY SPECIAL

HAND WAX $ 50 includes wash

Colin Dube, son of Derek Dube, Lake City Exports Owner

867 Center Street Auburn 753-0033 2005

2004 Chrysler Crossfire

Saab 9-5 Arc 2008 Dodge Avenger SXT

$10,990

$8,490 6-Speed, Infinity Sound System, Loaded

Automatic, CD, Alloys, Sunroof, 91K

2006 Mini Cooper

2006 VW Rabbit

We take pride in your ride!

5-Spd, CD, 60 Day/2500 m. warranty, 69K

2007 Volvo S60

865 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 333-3004 liquidsunshinecarwash.com Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

104

MAY 2012

$10,990

$11,990

Steve Dubois Owner

783-7039

76K, 5-Spd., CD Changer, Sunroof, Gas Saver

2007 Saab 9-5

$14,490 84K, AWD, Automatic, CD, Sunroof

$9,990 Automatic, Leather, Sunroof, CD Changer

Was learning cursive really necessary?