Uncle Andy's Digest - May 2013

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

THE MOST UNUSUAL DIGEST IN AMERICA

FREE May 2013

Celewbirthate Japanese Cuisine Make your reservations now for

Mother’s Day & Father’s Day The perfect place to celebrate proms & graduations!

Armandsab@aol.com

40 East Ave., Lewiston

795-6888 www.sea40me.com

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. Accepting New Patients See page 8

1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 376-4977

Don’t Forget Mom...

Mother’s Day is May 12th

Celebrate her with 50% OFF all Mother’s pendants and rings!

Mommy Pendants

10 day minimum on custom jewelry

Journey of Motherhood Pendants

Gemstone & Birthstone Rings

Mother & Child Rings

• Guaranteed lowest prices on new & estate jewelry • Family owned and operated • In-house repairs • Gift Certificates available

Fine Jewelry

We buy gold!

www.goldworks.com 33 Center Street in Auburn • 782-7575 Mon-Tue-Wed 9-5 • Thu-Fri 9-6 • Sat 9-5

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA MAY 2013 Thursday, May 9th Lewiston Mandarin 11:30am – 1:30pm (Chapter 8609) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Sunday, May 12th KC Mother’s Day Brunch 9am – Noon (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $7 M; $8 G; Child / 10 free Sunday, May 12th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 14346) Lewiston/Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, May 14th Roy’s Breakfast 7am – 10am (Chapter 10589) 5 Washington St, Auburn $2.50 Member; $3 Guest Wednesday, May 15th Chick-a-Dee Lewiston 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14437) 1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston $8 Member; $8.50 Guest Tuesday, May 21st Luiggi’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 12749) 67 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Wednesday, May 29th Dairy Joy 3pm – 7pm (Chapter 10259) Campus Ave, Lewiston or Spring St, Auburn $1 Member Wednesday, May 29th Norway Soft Serve 5:30 – 7pm (Chapter 10929) Main St, So Paris

Jimbo to Uncle Andy: If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com May 2013 Staff

JIMBO ...Makes You Stronger

TRAVIS

Fats from junk food trigger the brain to want more food.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Loves his Mother

Also see us for:

UNCLE ANDY

• Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

Working Again

MAGGIE Heavenly Nurse

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

MARTY Heard That

ANGIE Working the Network

TOM Social Impression

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Pioneer: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

Swimming pool: a mob of people with water in it.

Out ’n About at the ribbon cutting at Academy Street Townhouses

Leroy Walker City Councilor

Howard Kroll Assistant City Manager

Eric Cousens Director of Planning & Permitting

Self-control: the ability to eat only one peanut.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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Live at Club Texas

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

MAY 24th

First Jason, the brain-child of actor/film composer/horror icon Ari Lehman, will rock Club Texas on Friday May 24th. For anyone that doesn’t live on planet earth, Ari Lehman was the very FIRST actor to play, horror movie icon, Jason Voorhees. He was just a young teenager when he donned that gruesome, mutant, mongoloid make-up and popped up out of Crystal Lake into the influential and immortal cinematic horror classic, Friday The 13th (1980).

First Jason is amazing. Self produced, and self released, this album hits you over the head with an anvil being swung at 1000 miles an hour by the metal gods. Once hitting the stage First Jason gets in your face, flash you the devil horns, and smoke through a 30 minute set that will leave your jaw dragging across the floor.

Before you can shake off Lehman’s metal sucker punch, and utter “What the hell was that?” It’s over, and you’re left begging for more.

First Jason isn’t just a metal/horror punk album with the bulk of its song lyrics about Jason Voorhees. It’s much more. Lehman’s album is an epic opera of funky grooves and wonderful pop sensibility.

For more info call Club Texas at 784-7785 or visit their website @ clubtexas.info See their ad on page 38.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Shoot Like a Girl

We’re a local business, family owned & operated for over 10 years.

Submitted by Jimbo

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

Handguns Rifles Shotguns Ammo

We offer archery lessons, lanes, rentals, sales, service, & custom strings.

Looking Back

Karrington & Annie

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

213 Washington St. • Auburn • 783-3060 centralmainearchery.com Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Dan Hardgreaves, Donna Albert & Ellen Hardgreaves of Taber's On April 17th, the L/A Cash Mob converged on Tabers, where mobbers were armed with $20 bills to support this local business. The mobbers met at the Flagship Cinema parking lot as the location of the cash mobbing is kept secret until minutes before it happens.

The owners of Tabers were privy to the event, but no one else was. These mobbers spent at least $20 each on anything that struck their fancy from mini golf to the driving range or even some of Tabers famous food items. A good time was had by all. And as you can see above, the owners were all smiles.

Be on the look out for the next cash mob. It could be in your neck of the woods. Connect with the L/A Cash Mob on Facebook. facebook.com/LACashMob

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the ribbon cutting at Academy Street Townhouses This might be my first appearance in Uncle Andy’s Digest. Thanks for breaking me in easy...

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

Comprehensive Family Dental Care in a relaxing, comfortable atmosphere

Clint Deschene Auburn City Manager

Little Known Fact Scientists have estimated a fly ball will travel about seven feet further for every 1,000 feet of altitude. With an approximate elevation of 1,100 feet, Bank One Ballpark in Phoenix, Arizona is the second highest facility in the major league baseball; only Coors Field in Denver, Colorado is higher.

Psychologists say a crush only lasts for four months. But when feelings last longer, you're considered to be "in love".

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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New Patients Always Welcome

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. 1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston (lower level)

376-4977 Same Day Financing Options Emergency Care Available www.kevinconnellydmd.com Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Obesity: city of Obe

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

CELEBRATING OUR ANNIVERSARY $

Your Choice 1 0 All month!

2 Large (FAMOUS) Chicken Salad Subs FREE OR Med. Specialty Pizza COFFEE FRID OR Large Lobster Sub with purchAY! ase breakfast

There’s NO PLACE like...

of sandwich

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

One Stop Shop for Catering... Dad’s does it all!

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering

Weddings Summer BBQ Corporate Functions

Reunions

Indoor or Outdoor Professional service at an affordable price

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!

Ask us about Tents, Tables, Chairs, Dance Floor, etc. for your event

N

re’s ...

The like E C A O PL

Dad’s Place Catering Division • 345-9009

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Pus: small cat

www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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Out ’n About at Camden National Bank’s Business After Hours

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

The sushi from Sea 40 was excellent if I do say so myself.

Gregory A. Dufour, President of Camden National Bank

Marcel of Camden National Bank

& Laurie of Sweet Pea Designs

John Wyman Tailgate Gourmet Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

L/A’S NEWEST HOTSPOT FOR WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT Whiskey Wednesdays Thursdays Happy Hour 2pm-closing Friday Ladies Night Sundays Book your private party Try our award winning Chili

MAY BAND SCHEDULE Fri. May 3rd . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pop Rocks Sat. May 4th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chad Porter Band Fri. May 10th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Last Call Sat, May 11th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Brookside Band Fri. May 17th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .DJ Dancing Sat. May 18th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pop Rocks Thu. May 23rd . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Fried Minds Fri. May 24th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chad Porter Sat. May 25th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Veggies Fri. May 31st . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Veayo Twins

Weekends: LIVE ENTERTAINMENT thefirehousegrille.biz 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959

WOW!

Lunches starting at

$3.99

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Bean Suppah

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Every Saturday Large “Andy’s Baked Bean” special $

7.50

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts 54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Roller Skating = Family Fun Skate Schedule

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

Submitted by Jimbo

10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Marcel’s Barber Shop

Top Ten Signs That You Are Webbed Out

Thursday Night

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Find us on Facebook Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed in Firefox" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again. (continued on next page)

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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(continued from previous page)

What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?

3. Your dog has his own Web page.

2. So does your hamster. ... and the number one sign that you have completely overdosed on the WWW:

My staff is here and ready to serve you (and me).

Stop by and say hi.

The boss, Mumma Kitty

Salt water Fish Tank Headquarters!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies We are an official UPS shipper.

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

272 South Main St. Auburn • deepseacreations.com • 782-4372

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Maine’s Largest Used Truck Cap & Tonneau Cover Dealer

933-2493

Uncle Andy’s Summer Fun Purchased at Auburn Marine. He says he can’t wait until he can take the family tubing and water skiing this summer!

980 Pond Rd. • Wales capplacemore.com A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

Little Known Fact According to the U.S. Lawn Tennis Association, a tennis ball is supposed to bounce between 53 and 58 inches when it is dropped on concrete from a height of 100 inches. The concrete surface should be 4 inches thick.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

12

& Jimbo

May 2013 783-7039

: U O Y G N I T PROTEC hat We Do. Is W

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417 VarneyAgency.com Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

commercial

home

auto

recreational

umbrella

life

health

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are the top 5 vote getters...

#1 76 Votes

Momma’s favorite cook!

Submitted by Macarena White

#2 51 Votes

Looking like Nana Submitted by Cindy Hagar

Contact Uncle Andy’s Digest to join the social media marketing fun that will get your business more exposure!

207-783-7039 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the Promotional Product Show with Designs by Skip at the Hilton Garden Inn

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

OPEN FOR THE SEASON!!

DRIVING RANGE

RESTAURANT

MINI-GOLF

Burgers • Dogs L-A’s Be st Onion Rings Frie s • Ice Cre am

Bob Cole

TABERS

Open 7 days a week!

Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake) Off Rt. 4 in Auburn

www.tabersgolf.com

R.C. Game Farm Game Birds For Sale Bob Whites, Chuckars, Pheasants

• Jumbo Brown’s Quail Eggs • We Deliver to Local Restaurants • Flight ready birds for hunting and dog practice

Call Rob 224-7239 or Troy 212-2078 2742 Auburn Rd. • Turner

Kris Kopka

RCGamefarm.com Dust off your dancing shoes!

New Sat. May 11 y la P 4 d n a 8pm M The B Auburn We are going to rock out!

DISC GOLF AT CAMPBELL’S A Social Saturday, June 1 • See Aaron for details Y Club Member’s Meeting Saturday, May 26, 3pm

Roberta Reiss Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039

Italian food is one of the most popular restaurants for a first date.

COOPER PAVING

Poland Regional High School Knights Baseball fundraiser

• Asphalt Paving • Coal Tar Sealcoating • Gilsonite Sealcoating • Hot Rubberized Crack Filling And More!

103 Cross Road, Minot • 345-3529

8th annual Heating Oil • Kerosene • Propane Equipment Sales & Service

177 Turner St. Auburn • 783-1481 www.deadriver.com

of Auburn & Oxford

GOLF TOURNAMENT

SATURDAY, MAY 18, 2013

Minot Country Store 174 Minot Ave., Minot

782-0650 G.A. DOWNING 111 Woodman Hill Road Minot • 782-4508 Service Rental Sales

12:00 noon check-in • 1:00 p.m. start time Fairlawn Golf & Country Club in Poland

gadowning.com

Registration and payment must be received by May 15th!

Building & Remodeling

To register, please contact Jim Marston at 576-4844 or jimbo@UncleAndys.com

Jason Simard

345-9610

Teams of four $50 per player/ $200 team 16 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls

345-3353

175 Lewiston Road, Gray

657.6400 pinetreefoodequipment.com

Includes golf, cart and dinner!

Central Fire Station 2 College St, Lewiston

50/50 Prizes Giveaways

2013 Dinner Sponsor

DAD’S PLACE

Hornblower, Lynch, Rabasco, & Van Dyke 261 Ash Street, Lewiston • 786-6641 www.hlrvd.com

23 PLEASANT ST, MCFALLS • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Primeor Spons 40 Minot Ave, Auburn

1-888-774-1466 agrenappliance.com

Damon Builders

NCLE NDYS .COM UU NCLE AA NDYS .COM

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST BRYANT ENERGY

Custom Home Builders / Renovators

86 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls

33 Elm St, Mechanic Falls

345-3241

345-4301

damonbuilders.com

bryantenergy.com

946 Center St. Auburn 1052 Minot Ave, Auburn

784-3503

783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

emersonchevy.com

212 Center St. Auburn

784-4444

Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants

The Hundred Year War actually lasted 116 years (1337 to 1453).

which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are the top 5 vote getters...

EMERSON #3 41 Votes

Isabella Attitude Submitted by Diane Jack

#4 28 Votes

All-Star Submitted by Alicia Marie Regan

#5 27 Votes

Favorite Fall Time Fun! Submitted by Jennifer Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

We have the loan for you!

Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are just a few of the great entrants...

Goofing around at the bus stop!

Submitted by Betsy Sibley

Low Rates • Fast Approvals

Enjoying my apple Submitted by Chrystal Toner

Call Michele or Dane today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 • 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply

GreatFallsfcu.com A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Strike a pose Submitted by Dionne Mills Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Signs You Need a New Lawyer

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Mike Morin’s

Submitted by Jimbo

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you on multilevel marketing.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon We’re beginning our 18th year!

With our technicians and 6 employees we have a combined 70 years experience at this company.

Thank you for your support!

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they highfive each other.

OIL CHANGE

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duckgoose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. A prison guard is shaving your head.

7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

Mike Morin

LIKE us on Facebook Receive

$10.00 Discount!

$24.95

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95 Life is mandatory... enthusiasm is an option.

NO ORDER TOO SMALL And no minimum purchases! Call us for a FREE quote!!

Textile & Paper Wipes

• Sorbents & Safety Supplies • Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners • Breakroom & Food Service • Chemicals & Cleaners • Packaging • Skin Care • And More!

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A! 120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The Miss America Contest was created in Atlantic City in 1921 with the purpose of extending the tourist season beyond Labor Day.

(continued from previous page)

Harvard University was named after clergyman John Harvard in 1639.

HERE WE GROW AGAIN!!

Check out our 3rd Location!

686 Sabattus St. • Lewiston 786-8777

12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are just a few of the great entrants...

Date with Dad

Over 50+ Units In Stock

Submitted by Amanda Delgado

786-7744 Check out our inventory online at: www.independentauto.me 686 Sabattus St. • 1298 Sabattus St. • 1317 Sabattus St. There are roughly 100 million single adults living in the USA.

Lil Miss Lucky Ladybug... beautiful!

Submitted by Amanda Delgado Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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GOLF 101

The last name in the Toronto phone book is Zzyzzer.

Charles Howell (aka: Chuckie 3 sticks) & Keegan Fennesy (of Minot) Keegan Fennesy is a golf instructor at the Gary Gilchrist Golf Academy, which is located in Howeyin-the-Hills, Florida. Fennesy, who started playing golf at age 3, has a wealth of knowledge of the game from his playing years of junior, amateur and professional golf.

In 2006, Fennessy qualified for the U.S. Amateur Public Links Championship and racked up a number of top finishes as an amateur in New England. He then turned pro in 2009 and played the Hooters Professional Golf Tour for three years.

During this time he discovered that his passion was for teaching the game. Keegan has been an instructor since 2011.

The photo above Keegan is pictured with Charles Howell III (no relation to Mr. Howell on Gilligan’s Island), is affectionately known as “Chuckie 3 sticks”. Howell was born and raised in Augusta, Georgia, the home town of the Masters Tournament. He was introduced to golf at age 7 by next-door neighbor, Graham Hill, with whom he is still friends.

He has been featured in the top 15 of the Official World Golf Rankings. Howell turned pro in 2000 and has participated in the PGA Tour and continues to work on improving his game.

(The title of this story “GOLF 101” was to let the world know that a 101 is Uncle Andy’s best golf score... for 9).

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

The worldwide "Spanish Flu" epidemic which broke out in 1918 killed more than 30 million people in less than a year's time.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

JVC. KW, AV, In-Dash, DVD, Radio for the magnificently low price of...

$ Come meet our newest salesman, 12 Gauge

Out ’n About at the Promotional Product Show with Designs by Skip at the Hilton Garden Inn

329

216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339 Next to Republic Jewelry • Parking in back of building

soundeffectsmaine.com

Michelle Sabia & Christine Girouard

SAVE GAS - RIDE A GOLF CART HUGE SALE

Bring you cart over for a FREE* preseason inspection and service

✂

✂

• Campers • Senior Citizens • Campground and RV Owners • Free Delivery - 40 mile radius • Conversion Lift Kits • 4 passenger cars

(*excludes cost of filter and oil) Ends 5.31.13

Patricia Dugan

497 Washington St. Auburn • 783-3232 ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

Call us today!

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto Brad Johnson

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 333-0364

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Karl Lalemand Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Choose Your Weapon Submitted by Jimbo

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.

SPECIALS ‘09 DODGE QUAD CAB

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

Did You Know?

The ancient occupation of the "Gold Beater" was one who flattened out gold nuggets by hammering them in between the outside membrane of the large intestine from an ox (known as "Goldbeater skin") to produce the gold leaf used in decorative gilding. The adhesive used to attach this metal to paper or plaster, in ancient times and still today, is... egg whites.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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‘06 HOLIDAY RAMBLER

ONE OWNER

ONLY 13K

WAY BELOW BOOK AT

$

HEMI LARAMIE 4X4

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

IDE 2 SL TS OU

$

29,995

‘01 CHEVY 3500 DUMP

65,500

‘04 FORD F-350 CREW

DIESEL PUSHER ONLY 18K!!

‘07 HARLEY 883L READY TO RIDE!

ONE OWNER

$

11,995

FISHER V-PLOW! 8.1 V8 ALLISON TRANS.

$

12,995 NEVER A DOC FEE!!

Truck Caps

CARS

'09 Ford Focus SES, Auto, Loaded, 1 Owner, 27K . . . . . . . $12,995 '09 Ford Focus SEL, All Options, 92K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $9,995 ‘07 Chrysler PT Cruiser, Roof, Loaded, 59K. . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 ‘06 Hyundai Sonata, V6, AT, Leather, 87K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 ‘06 Pontiac Grand Prix, V6, Loaded, 108K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘06 Toyota Avalon XLS, Roof, Leather. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10,995 ‘05 Buick LaCrosse, Like New, 90K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘05 Chevy Impala, P. Seat, Loaded, 90K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,295 ‘05 Toyota Camry LE, Loaded, 137K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 ‘04 Subaru Legacy AWD Sedan, 95K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘03 Honda Accord DX, 5-Spd., Extra Clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘03 Subaru Legacy S/W, AWD, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘02 Honda Accord Coupe, LOADED!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘01 Toyota Camry LE, Loaded, Remote Start. . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘01 Pontiac Grand Prix GT, 1 Owner. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘00 Honda Civic, 4 Dr., Automatic, A/C . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘98 Mercedes E320, Extra Extra Clean!!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995

Partial listing - many more arriving daily!

TRUCKS - SUVs ‘07 Toyota Tacoma SR5 XCab 4X4, Off Rd. . . . . . . . . . . . . $16,995 ‘06 Toyota Tundra SR5, Double Cab, 4X4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . $14,995 ‘06 Chevy 1500 Crew, 4X4, Loaded, Z-71 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $8,995 ‘05 Chevy Colorado, Crew, 4X4, Z-71 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $11,995 ‘05 Chrysler Town & Country Limited, Stow-N-Go . . . . . . . . $8,995 ‘05 Jeep Grand Cherokee, V6. Loaded, 97 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $9,995 ‘04 Chevy 2500 HD 4x4, Plow, 84K, 1 OWNER . . . . . . . . $12,995

Established in 1984

Jeff & Rick Roy

353-2538

4X4 LARIAT LEATHER

$

ONLY

4,950

NO FLOOR PLAN! NO OVERHEAD!

WE OWN ALL OUR INVENTORY THAT MEANS YOU SAVE!!!!

‘04 Chev 1500 XCab, 4X4, LOADED, 96K. . . . . . . . . . . . . $11,995 ‘02 Dodge Gurango SLT, Loaded, Like New. . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘02 Ford Excursion, Leather, Loaded. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘01 Jeep Grand Cherokee, CD, Roof . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘01 Dodge Grand Caravan Sport, 47K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘01 Toyota Rav 4, Alloys, Loaded, 113K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 ‘01 GMC Yukon, P. Seat, Alloys, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘00 Chevy S-10, XCab, 4X4, Loaded. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995

MANY, MANY MORE IN STOCK!!

SEVERAL PRE-OWNED HARLEYS 7 JEEPS IN STOCK

All Come With New Inspection, 14-Day Plate and Warranty

If we don’t have it,we can get it!!

All of us at J&R Auto would like to congratulate Rebecka Campbell, owner of Doggz Inn for receiving the prestige award: “Voted 2013 Best Maine Daycare & Boarding Center and Best Groomer” in the Downeast Dog News reader’s poll!

28 Soper Road, Durham

Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama.

Out ’n About at the Promotional Product Show

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

HIT THE TRAILS THIS SPRING IN YOUR NEW ARCTIC CAT ATV!

SHARE OUR PASSION

with Designs by Skip at the Hilton Garden Inn

AMES SPORT SHOP, Inc 84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

We Insure ALL of Your SUMMER TOYS

Sharon Schiffelhuber

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711

CummingsAgency.com Eric Campbell

Save up to

$

50 on Brake Work in May

See us for details!

207-353-9862 183 Lisbon St., Lisbon, ME 04350 www.qualitycareautorepair.com Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

History Fact During the California Gold Rush of 1849 miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing.

Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years it was deemed more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants

I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

SPRING S The Back Forty Used

which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are just a few of the great entrants...

2011 Chevy

2010 Chrysler

Silverado 1500 LS Town & Country Touring

2011 Scion TC

2007 Toyota RAV4 Limited

Only 4K Newborn black angus calf Submitted by Dulsie Morris Varney

Stock #2233A,Crew Cab White, 4.8L V8, Auto.

Stock # 1938A, 3.8L V6, Auto. 6-speed, 44K

Stock #5953P, Gray, 2.5L 4 Cly., 51K, 6-Speed

Stock #2197B, 2.4L 4Cyl., Auto., 876K, 4WD

our price

our price

our price

our price

$17,995

$16,995

$27,995 $17,995 2011 Toyota Highlander Base

2008 Honda Civic SI

2012 Hyundai Elantra GLS

2012 Hyundai Sonata Hybrid

Stock #5955P, White, 3.5L V6, Auto. 5-Speed, 30K

Stock #5884P, Red, Manual 6-Spd, 52K, Sunroof

Stock #5885P, Red. Auto 6-Speed, 19K

Stock #2201A, Auto.

6-Speed, 6K, 39mpg

our price

our price

our price

our price

$30,995

$15,695

$19,995

$26,995

Look out girls!

Submitted by Ginnie Pray

Brookie Monster Submitted by Janet Beaudoin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

24

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Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

Pro-gas-ti-na-tion... Waiting to fill up your tank while hoping the gas price might actually go down. (Buying one of those vehicles below would help, too.)

SAVINGS!! d Car & Truck Center

Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are just a few of the great entrants...

2008 Toyota Tundra SR5

2009 Toyota Venza

2007 Ford Escape XLT

2010 Subaru Forester 2.5X

Stock #2335A, Silver, 5.7L V8, Auto 6-Spd., 101K

Stock #5956P, 3.5L V6, Green, Auto. 6-Spd., 49K

Stock #1475BA, 3.0L V6, Black, Auto., 83K

Stock #1975A, Gray, 27K, AWD, 2.5L 4 Cyl.

our price

our price

our price

our price

$18,995

$23,995

$12,995

$18,995

2009 Lexus RX 350

2012 Jeep Compass Sport

2009 Audi A4 2.OT Premium

2010 Toyota Camry LE

Princess Submitted by Laurie P.

Enjoying Spring!

Submitted by Joanne Giard

Stock #5959P, AWD, 3.5L V6, Auto. 5-Spd, 81K

Stock #5886P, Silver, 2.4L 4 Cyl., CVT Transm,, 21K

Stock #5962P, 2.0L 4 Cyl., Stock #5897P, Silver, Auto Auto. 6-Speed, 83K 6-Speed, 37K, Silver

our price

our price

our price

our price

$18,995

$20,995

$13,995

$18,995

SARAH Submitted By Joe Hutchins

Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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25

Soda water does not contain soda.

STOP RUST Roadies 3-pc Bone-in Chicken Dinner

Roadies Chicken... it is good to go!

Lg. BLT Sub

$4.99 $5.19

$

OFF

50

with this ad Expires 5.31.13

Magnesium chloride is a threat to your vehicle. It is more corrosive than salt.

Maine roads are coated with magnesium chloride. Protect your investment and have your vehicle rustproofed today.

Lifetime warranty. Some restrictions apply

1148 Auburn Road • Rt. 4 • Turner • 225-3656 First-graders finish the proverb: You get out of something what you...See pictured on the box.

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com

S A N I PLUS

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

Did you drive by your dream home?

ILL AUTO M D L O

From Biddeford to Bangor... we can show you any listing you desire!

IN HOUSE FINANCING

Brian & Tracie Vye 207.577.7937

Check our vehicle inventory online Call for details 207.345.3777

Legacy Realty

32 Lewiston Street • Mechanic Falls, ME 04256

681 Sabattus St, Lewiston 207.376.4830 Brian-Tracie@Legacy-Realty.com

www.OldMillAuto.com FIND US ON FACEBOOK

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

Propane... Exceptional Energy

$

to see how propane 75 NOWCall us today can work for you

Save

on new propane install or tank set

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

26

May 2013

783-7039

FMI go to www.murrayoil.com

After human death, post-mortem rigidity starts in the head and travels to the feet, and leaves the same way it came -- head to toe.

First-graders finish the proverb: Children should be seen and not... Spanked or grounded.

Did You Know?

Incan soldiers invented the process of freezedrying food. The process was primitive but effective – potatoes would be left outside to freeze overnight, then thawed and stomped on to remove excess water.

Bill Cosby Fact Bill Cosby became the first black leading actor in a TV drama series when he starred opposite Robert Culp on I Spy. He won three Best Actor in a Drama Series Emmys for his role as Alexander "Scotty" Scott.

First-graders finish the proverb: Two’s company. three’s...The Musketeers.

The Auto Appearance Specialist

First-graders finish the proverb: A penny saved is...Not much.

990 Lisbon Street Lewiston

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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27

Teaching Moment Submitted by Jimbo

First-graders finish the proverb: Don’t put off until tomorrow what...

You put on to go to bed.

2007 Subaru Forester

2008 Subaru Legacy GT

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

$11,450

$14,950

Blue, Automatic, Alloy Wheels, Keyless Entry

Black, 5-Speed, 6-CD Changer, MP3

2007 Subaru Impreza

2006 Nissan Titan

$14,950

$9,950

Opportunity

Silver, Automatic, Premium Sound, Keyless Entry

Red, 6.7L 8 Cyl.,Auto., 6-Disc CD, Premium Bed Liner

Submitted by Jimbo (Flashback story)

2006 Nissan Frontier

2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse GTS

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

28

May 2013

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$9,950

$14,950 Gray, Alloy Wheels, Premium Bed Liner, Tinted Glass

White, Blue Interior, Auto., 6 Cyl., 6-Disc CD, Prem. Sound

2004 Subaru Legacy L

All Subarus Come With:

$7,950

• 12-month/12,000 miles Warranty on all Head Gasket Issues • Vehicles fully serviced and maintained in-house • In-house direct lending available

Blue, Automatic, Power Moonroof, Rear Spoiler

www.rjbandson.com "A good conscience is a continual Christmas." – Benjamin Franklin

My older sister is tired of me calling her the beta release.

Look Who’s 92

Jeannette Freve of Lewiston stopped by the UAD office to drop off some goodies to Jimbo (that chocolate fudge was awesome!) and to chat for a few minutes.

While there, she shared some dark secrets about Uncle Andy, who grew up with her son. So dark, in fact, we can’t even publish them. But now Jimbo has some juicy stuff to bribe Uncle Andy with, which he has every intention of doing.

Jeannette, thanks for stopping by and we hope you had a fantastic birthday and feel free to bring goodies by the office anytime.

Investment Funnies SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha ha ha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

Funny… I don't remember being absent-minded.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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29

Community Credit Unions Photo Contest Entrants

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

which ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page in April.

Here are just a few of the great entrants...

Always smiling!

Submitted by Nichole Major

Pizza Time Submitted by Rebbeca Davis

Milk tastes better at Grandma's house Submitted by Robin Carpenter Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

30

May 2013

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My doctor says he thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard.

Honest Mistake

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Submitted by Jimbo

Open All Day on Mother’s Day Full Menu & Mother’s Day Specials Available Both rooms open VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant, Best Waitstaff, & Best Burgers in L/A area

Home of the Gippers 89 Draft Beer

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu We can’t think of any other place we’d rather have breakfast! The food is great & they really know how to satisfy their customers!

Anita Denis & Pauline DeSanctis

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

First-graders finish the proverb: Where there’s smoke, there’s...Pollution.

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.

Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me."

How was I to know she meant my debit card?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Dad’s Place to open a Redemption Center

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

NO COVER EVER! EVERY WEEK AT THE TWINS TUESDAYS Open Mic w/Chad Porter Bike Night

WEDNESDAYS Karaoke

THURSDAY-SATURDAY Live Entertainment

5TH ANNUAL RITES OF SPRING BASH! Saturday, May 18th Party Starts @ 7pm

Dad’s Redemption Center, affiliated with Dad’s Place, located at 23 Pleasant Street in Mechanic Falls will be opening soon.

The building directly behind Dad’s Place will house the new redemp where anyone with returnables will be able to bring them in.

Dad’s Redemption Center will have regular hours Tuesday thru Sunday 9:00am to 6:00pm.

Larry Roy, owner of Dad’s Place said, “We started getting a few customer inquiries whether we had a redemption center or not and that got me thinking.

The more I thought about it the more it made sense. We already sell them the product, a redemption center would be another service we could offer. Taking care of the customer from start to finish.”

He added, “The opening date is still to be determined, but we’re working on the interior now to get it ready. We’re hoping it will be sometime in May.” Look for redemption coupons in Uncle Andy’s Digest in the coming months.

Contact Dad’s Place for more info at 345-5551.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

32

May 2013

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Outdoor Tents Live Music by The Veggies

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.- Thurs. 3pm-close • Fri. Noon-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) SERVICING ALL MAKES & MODELS

FULLY STOCKED SHOWROOM

SMALL ENGINE • We Service All Major Brands • IN STOCK!! Tanaka 7 YEAR WARRANTY Outdoor Power Equipment by MTD Weedwackers • Leaf blowers • Chainsaws & more

JOHN DEERE MASTER TECHNICIAN

65 North River Rd., Auburn Open 7 days a week: M-S 8-7; S 9-4

BOATS!!!

Full Service & Repairs • Full Service & Repairs • Parts, Oils, Props & More • Safety Gear • Watersport Toys • Marine Radios & Electronics

784-3888 AuburnMarineandSmallEngine.com

Outdoor Patio NOW Open!

• Sandwiches, Wraps, Salads & Smoothies • Party Platters & Boxed Lunches • Breakfast Served All Day HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm

Locally Owned & Operated 600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

I wish there was a rollover plan for childhood naps I refused to take.

I wasn't a great math student in high school, so the three words I feared the most were "pop quiz."

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

MONDAY The Fergy

TUESDAY Meatball Subs

WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99 The bed is a magical place where you can suddenly remember everything you were supposed to do.

Out ’n About at Camden National Bank’s Business

Olé

After Hours with the Androscoggin

Chamber

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Modest Submitted by Jimbo

In November 1919, shortly after Einstein's theory of relativity was confirmed by observations made from the island of Principe during an eclipse, Sir Arthur Eddington, an early advocate of relativity, was approached by Ludwig Silberstein at a joint meeting of the Royal Society and the Royal Astronomical Society.

"Professor Eddington," Silberstein declared, "you must be one of three persons in the world who understands general relativity."

When Eddington demurred, Silberstein continued, "Don't be modest, Eddington."

"On the contrary," Eddington replied. "I am trying to think who the third person is."

Lovely According to "The Farmers Almanac," to test your love, you and your lover should each place an acorn in water. If they swim together, your love is true; if they drift apart, so will you.

The statue by Auguste Rodin that has come to be called "The Thinker" was not meant to be a portrait of a man in thought. It is a portrait of the poet Dante.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Our customers absolutely love the Digest here at Blanchette’s!

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

CASINO BOUND? You’ll have better luck on a full stomach...

Guaranteed!

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch on the way to the casino!

Home of the Double Yolker

Denise Blanchette of Blanchette's Market in Lewiston, who, with her parents, is celebrating 50 years in business.

Trained Professionals

Jacob Gagne of Oxford

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of some people.

Submitted by Jimbo

After his return from Rome, Uncle Andy couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.

She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

Then she asked Uncle Andy, “Has your plane arrived yet?”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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May 2013

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ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

2 for 1

Monday Night Scrambles 5:00PM Shotgun Start - Every Monday Singles or full teams are accepted

Must present this coupon to receive

ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.

Tuesday Morning Senior League

✃Expires 5.31.13

8:00am tee time • 50+ • Call FMI

Mens & Womens Leagues Wednesdays & Thursdays • Call FMI

Memberships Many levels of sponsorships available

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com

The first time I ever saw a doctor, he grabbed my leg and hit me so hard I cried, so no, I don't trust doctors.

Have sketchy neighbors? Freak them out by naming your wifi "FBI Surveillance Van".

Job Interview Submitted by Jimbo

A man carrying two huge suitcases meets with a circus boss to apply for a job. The boss asked:

h t 0 1 y a M , y a d

Fri

“What do you know?”

! s ’ e i g he Veg

T y b c i s u m e v

Li

Music

ys,

awa : Give

Plus

pm

9:00 rts at

sta

ink &

s, Dr Raffle

cials

Spe Food

! t i s s i Don’t m

The man took out some big stones from one of the suitcases, threw the stones high in the air and used his head to catch the stones.

The boss nodded.

“Great. What is in the other suitcase?”

“Painkiller!”

Be on the lookout for our monthly entertainment schedule with DJ’s and bands.

Young Love

Shooters Sports Pub will become your new weekend destination!

Submitted by Jimbo

• Pool Tables • Dart Boards • Video Games • Pub-style food • Full bar available 128 Lewiston Street, Mechanic Falls

345-7040 Soft opening on May 1st Chad & Roxanne Pearl, owners

Shooters Sports Pub

Bring in this coupon for

50% OFF UAD

any appetizer ✃

You can't fight progress, but we’ve noticed you can unplug a lot of it.

Expires 5.31.13

A college student is deeply in love with one of his classmates but he doesn’t know what to do to get the girl’s attention.

One day, he came to ask the girl for help with his assignments and the girl agreed.

Happily, he came to sit next to the girl the next day and took out a book pretending to read.

After a little while, the girl asked: “You must be a genius. How can you read a book upside down?”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Having a Ball

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus, ME 04280 • 207-375-8502 Open 7 Days a Week 6am-8pm

Jayden Blais with her dad, Beau Blais

Out ’n About in Aruba The Most Unusual Digest in Aruba

UAD • Expires 5/31/13

*

GET 1 FREE ✂

at the Snowflake Ball at Leavitt High School.

When Beau isn’t cutting a rug with his little girl, you can find him at RJB Auto in Turner.

✂

BUY 1 LARGE PIZZA Try our fresh hot pizza today!

Limit 1 per customer

*equal or lesser value

First-graders finish the proverb: No news is...Impossible.

May Specials at the Chick ALL MONTH LONG Homemade Grilled Lobster Cakes w/Lobster Sauce $9.95 Baked Haddock & Shrimp Seafood Casserole $9.95 Baked Stuffed Honey Glazed Jumbo Shrimp $9.95 Want us to cater your next event?

Food & Beverage – WE DO IT. Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches – WE GOT IT. Platters for 15 or 30 people 1472 – WE DO IT.

Join us for

Mother’s Day on Sunday, May 12th Baked Ham Dinner with pineapple sauce

$10.95 Reservations taken for 5 or more

Find us on Facebook for our daily specials & upcoming events!

Disetoen AL-ew Chick-of

Deb & Dan Ouellette on vacation in Aruba Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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May 2013

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You’re gonna love it!

Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 Call us and we will fax you our options. Our new website is up and running... ChickadeeLewiston.com Life should have a purpose, however meaningless.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed.

When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS

Writing Utensil Teacher: “Little Jimbo, why aren’t you writing?”

All breakfast specials include coffee

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!

5 Washington Street, Auburn

783-4304 Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast....$4.25 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast ...........$4.25 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes..............$4.25 THURSDAY: French Toast .......................................$4.25 FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette....................................$4.25 SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage.......$4.25 SUNDAY: French Crepes .........................................$4.25 Prices do not include tax.

Cotton Candy & Popcorn Fundraising Earn up to 40% of the proceeds!

Yummo Carts 241-3169 YummoCarts.com

$

5 OFF

Purchase of $25 or more Limit one per visit Expires 05/31/13

Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi

Little Jimbo: “I don’t has a pencil.”

Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.”

Little Jimbo: “Who stole all the pencils then?”

The influence of ancient Rome on architecture is all around us.

The Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C., is almost a deadringer for the Pantheon. And the original Penn Station in New York was modeled on the Baths of Caracalla.

Dreamy There was a couple sleeping. The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried.

Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”

Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.”

730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA

376-4855

jasminecafemaine.com

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Wife responded loudly: “That is why I’m crying.”

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Out ’n About at the YPLAA after hours at Center Street Dental

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

The Party is Here All Month Long ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP Sat. May 4th

Sat. May 11th

Sat. May 18th

Deadseason

The Veggies

w/ the Mechanical Bull

LIVE IN CONCERT

Hypnotist Frank Santos Jr.

Jill Cunningham

Fri. May 24th

First Jason

Sat. May 25th

LIVE IN CONCERT

Memorial Weekend Party!

Sandra Jones

Ari Lehman The First Jason Vorhees

Doors open at 7pm Show starts at 8pm $10/pp - buy online @ clubtexas.info or at the club

Fri. May 17th

Country Night

DJ Dancing w/ special guest DJs all weekend!!

PRIZES & GIVEAWAYS

LITTLEWOLF With Opening Act Sharon Buck of Dixon Rd.

Sat. June 1st Cold Blue Steel

Yeah, my boy is quite the little ham...

Tanya & Penn Estabrook Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info First-graders finish the proverb: Better be safe than...Punch a 5th grader.

Uncle Andy’s Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

Earlybird Special

$

5 OFF any two entrees

Monday-Friday • 2-4pm

✁Expires 5.31.13

UAD

L/A’s Best Steaks

Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés macsgrill.com

783-6885

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.

2013 Winner of MAINE'S BEST Doggy Daycare, Boarding and Groomer

by Downeast Dog News

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique 65 Washington St N Auburn

333-3640

Est. 2008

Back row, left to right: Marisa Dayken & Caesar Celeste Truman, Cyrus & Sophie, Ashlee Bradbury & Louis, Kaylee Pease & Lola.

Front row, left to right: Owner Rebecka Campbell, Phoebe & Loco, Groomer Jessica Kennagh & Joey.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Good Soup?

Submitted by Jimbo

Man at restaurant: Excuse me waiter, could you come here?

Waiter: Is everything okay?

Man: Everything is fine, but would you please try my soup?

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir, we really can’t do that.

Man: No I won’t say anything, please try my soup.

Waiter: Well, is there something wrong with the soup?

Man: No, but will you please try the soup?!

Waiter: Okay, okay…

Where’s the spoon?

Man: Ah-hah.

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You non-conformists are all alike.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Call NOW for Reservations Mother’s Day Sunday, May 12th “Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.

Award Winning Chowder Family Owned for 3 Generations

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com I adopted a rescue dog. He rescues food from the table, socks from the laundry, trash from the bin and shoes from the closet.

Village Inn is BOSTON STRONG! Servers at the Village Inn represent how everyone in the United States can come together when our lives and freedom are threatened.

Like Big Papi (of the Boston Red Sox) said, “This is our f***ing city!

No one is going to dictate our freedom.

STAY STRONG!!

Shannon Wilson & Jocelyn Vallee Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Kara Younk, Megan Cyr, Katie Boda & Rosie LaPointe

I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Castonguay & Son General Contractors

Out ’n About at the YPLAA after hours at Center Street Dental

55 Combined Years of Experience 24x24 Unattached Garage

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6” concrete slab, 2x4 PT. Plate, 2x4 KD 16” o.c. studding, 7/16” OSB wall, 5/8” OSB roof, 5/12 pitch. Engineered trusses 24” OC, white vinyl siding, white metal trim vinyl soffit, 30 yr. in stock color or architectural roofing, 2-9x7 uninsulated overhead doors, 2-32X48” single hung vinyl windows, 1-9 lite 2’8”x6’8” entry door.

8999

Jessica Dumond

This special does not include excavation, landscaping, electrical or plumbing

Sale ends May 31, 2013

Maria Delcourt

New homes • Renovations Complete Kitchen & Bath Remodels • Decks Sun Porches • Siding • Windows • Roofing Electrical • Plumbing • Foundations Lead certified • Fully insured • Free estimates

Call Today 740-7087 or 513-6396 Me and my recliner - we go WAY back.

Genevieve Hering Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Hensen2

"Hypopituitarism" is a rare disease that doesn't allow a person to feel love.

GRAND Mike Hensen & his son, Jay Hensen Henson's Auto Repair, located at 84 Adams Ave in Lewiston, is owned and operated by Mike Henson and his son Jay Henson.

They are each backed by years of valuable experience in the industry.

Mike has been servicing vehicles for 37 years and Jay has 18 years experience repairing most domestic and foreign cars and light trucks. They are both ASE certified and do Class A and E Inspections as well as most major and minor repairs and computer diagnostics at very reasonable rates.

"We treat all of our customers fairly and with respect," says Mike. With a combined 55 years of experience between Mike and Jay you'll have the benefit of knowledgeable and precise service that you can trust. "We stand by our work 100 percent," Jay says.

So whether your check engine light has been on for a while or you've got a mysterious rattle coming from under the hood, stop by Henson's Auto Repair or call them at 782-5202 and Mike and Jay will take care of it for you.

They are open Monday through friday from 8am to 5pm.

See their ad on page 74.

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Saturday Sherm Arnold’s Unbelievable, Unbeatable Savings COME CHECK OUT OUR NEW STORE! 675 Main St., Lewiston 782-0831 First-graders finish the proverb: A miss is as good as a...Mr.

Maggie’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

OPENING May 11

Out ’n About at Camden National Bank’s Business After Hours

9am to 5pm

Sherm Arnold’s

Free Spin at the Wheel of Fortune (with any $100 purchase)

Prizes: Flat Screen TV, Smoker Grill, Keurig Coffee Makers, Buddy T’s Gift Cards, and much more Enjoy a free Live Radio Broadcast lunch on us!

Ron Bissonette Isaacson & Raymond

Jeff Gosselin Mechanics Savings Bank I asked to be in the UAD Name Protection Program*

www.shermarlnolds.com *Oops, we didn’t get his name :)

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

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Hunting Story Submitted by Jimbo

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

Vegas is an amazing place. I came to visit in a thirty thousand dollar car and left in a two hundred thousand dollar bus.

ON SALE NOW!

NEW CERAMIC PRO 100% ACRYLIC HOUSE PAINT

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Competitive Price!

Formulated with an advanced acrylic resin emulsion, Ceramic Pro provides the painted surface with long-lasting protection. Available in Lo-Sheen and Soft Gloss finishes.

516 Sabattus St., Lewiston

784-1993 www.lewistonpaint.com M-F 7am-5pm • Sat 7:30am - 1pm

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story.

See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

Register NOW for Fall 2013 Ages 2-4 Call FMI 439 Park Avenue, Auburn www.auburnpreschool.com

“What!” cries the old man. “Why, that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”

“Exactly!” says the doctor.

The Iditarod dog sled race – from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska – commemorates an emergency operation in 1925 to get medical supplies to Nome during a deadly diphtheria epidemic.

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782.4329

Spring & Summer Inventory • Swimming Apparel & Toys • Sandals, Crocks & Shoes • Strollers • Summer Outfits

pipsqueakschildrensboutique.com

120 Center Street, Auburn • 212-0770 Mon-Sat 9-7 • Sun 11-5

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

Woman vs. Man = No Contest Submitted by Jimbo

Attn: FIRST TIME HOME BUYERS! • NO Down payment • FREE Pre-qualification • FREE Credit report • FREE Credit Consultation • GREAT RATES

We also have

ALL MAJOR LOAN PROGRAMS! Ask about our refinancing & purchase loans

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Scott Demers - Owner

1-800-554-9630 or (207) 577-8513 Scott Demers NMLS #389245 • Maine License #SLB 1043950 Programs, rates and terms subject to change without notice. Certain restrictions apply; some programs may not be combined with others; not all applicants will qualify.

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. (continued on next page)

Angie’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

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(continued from previous page)

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Courage the Cowardly Dog was nominated for an Academy Award in 1996.

YOUR TACTICAL WEAPON HEADQUARTERS SIGHTS, SCOPES & LASERS, GRIPS & MORE AMMO OF ALL TYPES, CALIBERS & QUANTITIES

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The first officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

The senior officer glanced at the other officer and then back to the woman, and before he could say another word...

AK’s & AR15 RIFLES

PISTOLS & SHOTGUNS

Rt. 4 in Turner • Just past Twitchell’s Airport • 225-3432 • www.G3Firearms.com

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Out ’n About at Camden National Bank’s Business After Hours Check us out for your next fundraising event. We’re a local company that can help you fundraise for your school, sport or anything you’re raising money for. Who doesn’t love Cotton Candy & Popcorn?

Visit us at YummoCarts.com or see our ad on page 37.

Woman: I’ll betcha that liar said I was speeding, too.

Did You Know?

A normal cow's stomach has four compartments: the rumen, the recticulum (storage area), the omasum (where water is absorbed), and the abomasum ( the only compartment with digestive juices).

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Sea 40’s manager, Franki Tam (2nd from left) along with two of his sushi chefs pose with a Camden National Bank employee.

Shop LOCAL

Kristie Morin Yummo Carts

Thomas’ First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

NEXT Level Business Coaching We Will Make Your Business Better in 90 Days – Guaranteed!

Call 207-376-3239 for a free, confidential 90-minute coaching session on any two business issues you are facing.

Come experience business coaching at NO RISK.

17 YEARS Time flies when you’re having fun! It really is hard to believe that it’s been 17 years.

First-graders finish the proverb: If you can lie down with dogs, you’ll...Stink in the morning.

Cigars are back!

Check out our great selection

J.T. REID’S GUNS Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course

Full Line Gunsmith Service

Kathy Normand

Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

We buy, sell & trade

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

is celebrating 17 years with Quality Care Auto in Lisbon.

Chewing gum can raise your metabolism by 25%.

Teacher: “Let me hear how far you can count.”

Wisdom comes with age. Death comes with age. Therefore, wisdom is dangerous.

Uncle Andy: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack, queen, king.”

Childhood Friends Out ’n About in New York

Did You Know?

A "googol" is a 1 followed by 100 zeros.

The name was coined in 1938 by Milton Sirotta, nine-year-old nephew of the American mathematician, Edward Kasner. A googolplex is the number 1 followed by a googol of zeros.

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Beth Bryant (Auburn school teacher) & Nightline host, Cynthia McFadden Both grew up in Auburn and graduated from ELHS

Jimbo’s Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

VERY SUITING

TUXEDO & SUIT RENTALS & SALES at prices You can afford!

Wedding Party Special

Prom Special Rent or Buy a Suit or Tux Get a FREE Men’s haircut & a 60 minute tanning package

✃

Out ’n About with Sarah Jeanne’s in New York Trip to NYC = great.

Great reading material = awesome.

Mother, daughter time = priceless!

Sarah & Jane Kyllonen We seem to have quite a web of characters from what I’m reading in this magazine...

Rent 5 tuxedos and get the 6th rental FREE

✃

Expires 5.31.13 • Not to be combined with any other special

Expires 5.31.13 • Not to be combined with any other special

S&J Tuxedos & Limo Service 76 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

333-3737 Affiliated with Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Tanning & Day Spa 795-6778 • www.sarahjeannes.com There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Tiffanie Bement with Spiderman Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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DIY Cabinet

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

Submitted by Jimbo

Rosie buys a self-assembly, storage cabinet from her local Home Depot store.

Once home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cabinet in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted.

Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cabinet collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cabinet.

Once more, another train passes and the whole cabinet collapses again.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-rereads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cabinet. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cabinet collapses yet again for the third time.

Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she calls the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along an installer to take a look.

The installer arrives and assembles the cabinet. Again, a train (continued on next page)

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Sisterly Love

By Natasha Piirainen

Over the years my family has gotten pretty creative picking out birthday cards that are both entertaining and sentimental even without cash on the inside. For my 21st birthday my littlest sister, Pammy, made me a card with a list of 21 awesome things that she loves about me. It included things like #2. crazy cat lady, #5. my hair, #8. my sense of

style, #12. nerdy, and #21. my best little sister Pam. I think she may have been a bit biased when writing that last one, but still it is a card I will keep and cherish for a long time so I can show it to her when she is my age and she can see what a little nut she was.

My parents, knowing about my desire to have an English bulldog named Reba as soon as I can afford a dog, got me a card with a bulldog dressed as a princess on it. And my older sister, April, got me one with a bulldog and a cat, which is a double whammy since, as noted by Pam, I happen to be a ‘crazy cat lady’.

And then there is my card from my sister Staci. She, too, went with the cat-themed card. Featuring a Siamese kit-

ten wearing a pink bow on the front of it, I immediately squealed at its cuteness. On the cover is said ‘Sis, I hope your birthday is just like you…” and I thought how sweet it was that Staci must think I am adorable and loveable just like that cat on the front of her card.

But then I opened it, and, well, I will let the pictures do the talking:

Yes, that does say ‘mean and smelly’.

Ah, sisterly love!

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Tablet: small table

Authorized Service Center

INSTRUMENT REPAIR, SERVICE & SALES Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

Also offering lessons in: • Guitar • Piano • Bass • Voice • Banjo • Mandolin • Violin • Ukulele • Brass & Woodwinds • Cello • Music theory

www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com • 376-3376

134 Main Street, Auburn

Heating Oil Service & Installation

Furnace Cleaning

✃

Expires 5.31.13

SPRING SPECIAL

$

125*

(includes filter, strainer, nozzle, vacuum & efficiency test)

*Within the L/A area and reasonable outskirt area

KNOWLEDGEABLE, DEPENDABLE & FAIR

An unbeatab le team!

F U L LY L I C E N S E D & I N S U R E D

On Call 24 Hours

576-3500 FREE ESTIMATES

Jane & Jeff Maxim

You should expect nothing less than impeccable integrity. As a full-time Realtor®, I am held to the highest standard of conduct under the National Association of Realtor®’s Code of Ethics.

With that in mind, I pledge

Contact Bruce Bickford 553-2447 bbickford@kw.com • Auburnmehome.com

Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the installer decides to reassemble the cabinet and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cabinet to collapse. At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cabinet and says, “Oh, that's a splendid looking cabinet,” and he opens it to look inside.

Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Fred’s book, Tommy.”

Each office is independently owned & operated

195 Center Street Auburn

passes and the cabinet collapses.

The installer, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cabinet, blurts out, “You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.”

Integrity.

• That I have an active real estate license in good standing • To put your interests above anyone else’s • To keep your information confidential • To obey your lawful instructions • To report to you anything that would be useful • To account to you for any money involved

(continued from previous page)

Bruce Bickford

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Serum: Sailors drink

Tommy: “I hope you didn’t, too, sir.”

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Out ’n About in Paris

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

MAKE THE MOVE TO PROTECT THE ONES YOU LOVE Wills • Trusts Power of Attorney Living Wills

The Law Offices of John Whalen, P.A. 184 Webster Street, Lewiston Dad, did you know the metal girders of the Eiffel Tower expand slightly when exposed to heat? They only expand on the side directly hit by the sun, which makes it lean away from the sun.

Pretty neat, huh?

Gerry Gagne (of Mac’s Grill) with his daughter, Danielle Gagne in Paris on a recent vacation.

g entry: The winnin 76 votes ith w , e it Eric Wh m, by his mo Submitted ite h W Macarena

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207-786-0346

John Whalen with Rylee

Alexander Graham Bell placed the world's first telephone call, to his assistant in the next room in 1876.

Photo contest winner!

Community Credit Union sponsored one of our latest photo contests on our Facebook page: facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest. This contest was looking for K-12 kids photos to be submitted and then they shared the contest to get votes for their entry. Macarena White submitted a photo of her son, Eric who won the contest with 76 votes, beating 47 other entrants.

Tabers here I come!

Jen Hogan, Executive Vice President; Kerry Wood, President, Ian, Macarena & Eric White & Betsy Sibley, Director of Marketing.

Wouldn't it be nice if retail therapy was covered by health insurance?

I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to being broke.

Out ’n About with Angie Lafrance Before BNI I was absolutely terrified of public speaking. Now I’m only a little a-scared of it...

Here is our own

Angie Lafrance

eastcoastsigndesign.com

holding up the coveted “Sales Manager Minute” award. She has won it three times now at her Wednesday morning BNI group. Doesn’t she look proud? We’re proud of her!

Job Signs Vehicle Lettering Vinyl Wraps

Strange Lawsuits

1052 Sabattus St. Lewiston

783-9021

Protect the 2nd Amendment Learn to protect yourself and your family.

NRA Certified Instruction

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced Don Mailhot NRA - Law Enforcement 576-5131

Roland Levasseur NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight 212-0608

View our course schedule at:

www.rdtacticalhandgun.com

Department of Redundancy Department

A convicted bank robber on parole robbed a California Savings and Loan Branch. The bank robber placed the money roll containing the hidden Security Pac in his front pants pocket. The Security Pac released tear gas and red dye resulting in second and third degree burns requiring treatment at a hospital.

The bank robber sued the bank, the Security Pac manufacturer, the city, the police and the hospital.

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Out ’n About in Florence, Italy Glad I had room in my suitcase for the Digest. We had a blast together!

First-graders finish the proverb: The pen is mightier than the...Pigs.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Kalor Plummer on a class trip to Italy with Lakes Region High School

HUGE SALE NOW GOING ON!

I see a great pair of shades I want at VIP Eyes. They’re on page 87 of this mag we’re holding!

What the pros use!

Stop in or call for more information & pricing!

REGGIE’S SALES & SERVICE Your Local Four Season Power Equipment Dealer Where the Pros shop!

Kalor Plummer & Donny Eaton Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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1334 Minot Ave, Auburn • 783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, Friday 7:00 am - 7:00 pm • Tuesday & Thursday 7:00 am - 5:00 pm • Saturday 8:00 am - 3:00 pm

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Labor Pain: hurt at work

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

Now that I’m 7 years old maybe everyone will stop treating me like a baby.

Brandon Ouellette Turned 7 in March

Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

Chase Ouellette The shortest war on record was fought between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

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Out ’n About

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Pictures courtesy of Dan Cunliffe at Republic Collectibles

Superior Roofing ROOFING • ROOFING INSTALLATIONS AND REPAIRS

207-702-ROOF Full Roof Installations Brande Roderick from Celebrity Apprentice Uncle Andy, I hear you used to be the man... at least that’s what Dan says.

VOTED BEST ROOFING CONTRACTOR 2012 Owner/Installer Ben Roper

SuperiorRoofingOfMaine.com Carrie Underwood in concert in Portland

"Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think the university stifles writers.

My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them."

– Flannery O'Connor Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Out ’n About Pictures courtesy of Dan Cunliffe at Republic Collectibles

Locals Corey Cunliffe & Adam Mocciola (far right) on the court with players for National Anthem at an Orlando Magic game in Florida.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else.

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap

Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Always paying the best prices!

(prices subject to market changes)

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm

615-7057 or 795-8887 Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize

LOCAL FAMILIES NEEDED FOR EXCHANGE STUDENTS ASSE International Student Exchange Programs (ASSE) is seeking local host families for boys and girls from a variety of countries around the world. These students are 15 to 18 years of age, and are coming to this area for the upcoming high school year or semester.

These personable and academically select exchange students have good English, are bright, curious and anxious to learn about the USA by living as part of your family, attending high school and sharing their own culture and language with you.

The exchange students arrive from their home country shortly before school begins and return at the end of the school year or semester.

Each ASSE student is fully insured, brings his or her own personal spending money and expects to bear his or her share of household responsibilities, as well as being included in normal family activities and lifestyles.

The students are well screened and qualified by ASSE. Families may select the youngster of their choice from extensive student applications, family photos and biographical essays.

To become a host family or find out more about ASSE and its programs, please call Joyce 207-737-4666 or 1800-677-2773. Or visit us at www.asse.com. There are many students to choose from, so call – and begin the process of selecting your new son or daughter today.

I am also hoping to find interested people to join my team of Area Representatives.

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Collect 4

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING?

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Let’s Make a Deal An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Ask about our signature models!

CALL FOR PRICING

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Service Rental Sales

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Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go to MySpace.

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

Out ’n About at the YPLAA after hours at Center Street Dental

Good Question Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied. "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Joni Fredericks, Angie Snow & Heidi Sawyer If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

Scones are just biscuits that studied abroad.

Out ’n About Pictures courtesy of Dan Cunliffe at Republic Collectibles

Boston rules!

Boston Celtics’ Jared Sullinger poses with Corey Cunliffe

MLB Legend Frank Thomas with Republic Jewelry legend Dan Cunliffe

Courtney Cunliffe is all smiles with Dougie Hamilton from the Boston Bruins I bought a book on obedience seven years ago, but it turns out the dog is a slow reader.

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Sorry Dad, I know I'm only a few months old, but I'm already cuter than you are!

I've had myself waxed 'down there'. Now my socks slide on real easy. – Uncle Andy

Travis & Emma Ouellette The Friendly Skies Before going into the entertainment business, both Kris Kristofferson and Gene Roddenberry earned a living as pilots. Toughguy actor Robert Mitchum, before he was successful in films, worked as a drop hammer operator at Lockheed Aircraft.

In 1971, Tricia Nixon, daughter of President Richard Nixon, married Edward Cox in the first wedding ever held in the White House Rose Garden.

"The more you recognize and express gratitude for the things you have, the more things you will have to express gratitude for."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

May 2013

Get Your Ride Ready For Summer

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– Zig Ziglar

60

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.

783-7039

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I said "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Out ’n About with Sarah Jeanne’s in New York Having some fun with the Naked Cowboys

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The biggest earthquake ever recorded strikes Anchorage, Alaska.

It measured 9.2 on the Richter scale. (1964)

Jane gets swept off her feet by the Naked Cowboy

Trenchless Sewer and Drain Rehabilitation Call today to have a Clear Drains of Maine technician perform a site evaluation and provide you with a detailed estimate for rehabilitating your failing sewer or drain line with our

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Seals broken areas in Cast Iron, PVC, Orangeburg, Clay Pipes & More!

521 Federal Road, Livermore • 207.320.2177 Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.

Jane & Ron Kyllonen, Jason Jalbert & a NY police officer Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Strange Lawsuits A drunk driver was speeding, careened passed detour signs and crashed. He sued the engineering firm that designed the road, the contractor, four subcontractors and state highway department property which owned both sides of the road. Five years later, all of the defendants settled for $35,000. The engineering firm was swamped with over $200,000 in legal costs.

Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

BACKGROUND CHECKS Pre-Employment Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History

includes: • SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal History • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list

$45.00

Tenant Screening Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Interesting Town Names Peculiar, MO was named by the Postmaster after the town’s fathers told him, “We don’t care what you name it as long as it’s sort of peculiar.”

In 1947, Thor Heyerdahl and five others began a voyage across the Pacific Ocean aboard a balsa-wood raft called the Kon-Tiki.

Their 101-day voyage proved that others could have made the same voyage from Peru west to Polynesia.

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$49.99

State and National Criminal History

includes: • SSN verification/Address verification • InstaNational criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list • Trans Union Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states)

A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00 Education verification....................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification......................................10.00 Professional License verifications.................................10.00 Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ................................................11.00

Other verification and Private Investigator services are available.

All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability.

Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations.

Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud

Gas prices aren't really that bad when you remember that you're essentially buying a mighty dinosaur in liquid form.

Grammie’s Cottage

OPENING SOON! Buying Gold & Silver Top Dollar Paid!

Gift Shop • Holiday Gifts • Jewelery • Homemade Crafts • Souvenirs

740-6061

Open Wed.-Sun.

Call FMI 1321 Sabattus St. • Lewiston

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(207) 346-0178

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Mainly Sewing Mary Tucker

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It was never about winning medals or being famous. – Nancy Kerrigan

...Our Design

WOW! 10’x12’ Oak Kitchen with countertop $1,99999 10’x12’ Birch Kitchen with countertop $2,09999

Bruce

Holly

Prince

Stacy

1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston

1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

784-3100

897-3400

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com I just want to be as thin as my patience.

Sauerkraut Origins Sauerkraut didn’t originate in Germany as many people mistakenly believe. It got its start in China about 1,000 years before it became popular in Germany.

In the 1986 playoffs, Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls scored 63 points to erase Elgin Baylor's playoff scoring record. Even with his heroic effort, the Boston Celtics still won 135-131. "TV Guide" called this game "the birth of Air Jordan."

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Strange Lawsuits An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself 5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous.

Say nothing . . . often.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!

DAILY SPECIALS

Tues. Wed. & Thurs.

Fried Clams . .sm. $11.99 . . . . .lg. $15.79 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . .$6.99 w/potato & rolls

LUNCH SPECIALS 10:30AM TO 3:30PM ONLY Monday Maine Fried Shrimp . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.29 w/fries & cole slaw

Hours: Sunday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday & Saturday 6am – 9:30pm

Thursday Grilled Reuben Sandwich w/chips . . . . .$5.79

Friday & Saturday

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After 4:00 PM

Fried Haddock* $11.99

Prime Rib Au Jus* Silly News From Around the World In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Strange Lawsuits A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you."

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Small $13.99 • Large $16.79

Grilled Salmon* $11.49

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Pub! Open 7 days a week 11am - Close • • • •

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Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.

Est. 2008

Trudy Since Dec. 2 2012

Dog Grooming Daycare & Boutique

Since MArch 8 2013

65 Washington St., Auburn, ME 04210 (207)

Louis Willow 333-3640

We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

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FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT

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Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products • Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

Mollie

Sin Marchce 2013 20

FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS

$16 PER DAY!

Baxter

Ivan

Since Jan. 8 2013

Programmers

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button.

Two computer programmers are driving on a highway. They switch on the radio and there is a Warning: “Please note that a car is driving south on Highway 75 in the north bound lane.”

The passenger programmer looks at the driver and says: “One? Look... there are hundreds of them!”

Computer Viruses Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes.

Spits everything out.

Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Pay it Forward Virus: You have just received the "Pay it Forward Virus." This virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Geek Humor What is the difference between a hacker and a leech? One is a relentless blood sucking, spineless invertebrate that leaves a slime trail where ever it goes and the other is a leech.

Redneck’s Service Alert: Sends an email to all co-workers saying the network is down.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

would like to wish all our moms a very special Mother’s Day! Honor her with a gift card for any of our professional services.

We are a full service salon Kutters Korner welcomes Angella & Camille to the team!

2 for 1

(2 people for the price of 1)

either a full color or a partial foil

only $80 with Angella or Camille Angella Brissette

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

Camille Cloutier

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

786-4311

That whole 'I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine' thing doesn't work so well with cats.

Meet the Senator

I definitely think my tractor is sexy!

Jacob Blais

Hillary Dow introduces her daughter, Eva to Senator Angus King

works the tractor like a pro (his dad and granddad run RJB Auto in Turner)

Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

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Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.

Out ’n About at the ribbon cutting at Academy Street Townhouses

Leroy Walker & Mary Lafontaine Auburn City Councilors It’s developers like Coastal Enterprises putting some skin in the game that will help spur on our revitalization of Downtown Auburn. The City of Auburn thanks CEI for their investment in our community.

Auburn Mayor Jonathan Labonte

"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else."

– James Matthew Barrie

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

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"I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you."

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

— H. L. Mencken We're both in the delivery business, for me it’s packages & letters, for Derek it’s the cleanest vehicles & great service that he delivers to his customers. I'm very happy I send my vehicle to Recon's Auto Detailing when it needs sprucing up, they're the best!

– Oprah Winfrey Throughout its history, the White House has been known as the "President's Palace," the "President's House," and the "Executive Mansion." President Theodore Roosevelt officially gave the White House its current name in 1901.

The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare's lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine's Day. There is no one who does not dream. Those who claim to have no dreams, laboratory tests have determined, simply forget their dreams more easily than others.

Derek Roy, owner of Recons Auto Detailing in Lewiston with Danielle of the USPS

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

New Sessions Beginning Week of Monday, May 13th SABATTUS • POLAND • OXFORD For ALL your Health, Wellness & Feel Good Needs!

Visit the website www.SPRQstudio.com for ALL the details!

Mother’s Day Special Calling all Mothers • Aunts • Grandmothers

Join us for a

Mother’s Day Boot Camp Sunday, May 12th at 9am

"Everyone has special talents, and it is our duty to find ours and use them well."

Primary Location: 20 Main Street, Sabattus (2nd floor) • 754-9411

– John Templeton

NOW OFFERING JUDO AT OUR SABATTUS LOCATION

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Beware of half truths... you may get the wrong half.

& Jimbo

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FITNESS

And a very special one day sale!

I don't think I've done a system update since 1998 but I've clicked "maybe later" 1,287 times.

392 Center Street, Auburn

Check out our new website!

Kelly

786-0112

HairByGregorys.com

"You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."

– Norton Juster

Jen

Michael

Tina

Terry

Nuria

Taylor

Linda

Sometimes I wrap myself in bows and call myself gifted.

Cory

Kathy

Kellyann

"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."

– E.E. Cummings

Out ’n About in Paris

Dad, I bet you didn’t know that Fontainbleau Chateau was home to Napoleon I in the 16th century...

I’m so cool I’ve gotta wear shades.

Bingo

Gerry Gagne with his daughter, Danielle Gagne in the Garden of Fontainebleau

models a pair of Ray Ban Sunglasses at Wolfe Eye Associates

Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing bodies every winter for years.

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Don’t Step on the Ducks!

The kids text me "plz" Because it's shorter than "please". I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes".

Submitted by WEP (Flashback story)

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven - DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on, a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

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ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

So the bad news is I got a little tipsy last night. It worked out though. When I walked across the dance floor I won the dancing contest.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Getting into the swing of things I sure hope I get my golfing skill from my Great Grampa Marty Dow and not my dad.

Blake Dow gets his next ball set up on the tee at Taber’s Restaurant & Driving Range in Auburn

Dora the Internet Explorer would often crash before arriving at her destination.

TESTIMONIAL Uncle Andy's Digest uses creative humor and grabs the attention of local area residents and directs them to us for their archery entertainment, instruction, and equipment needs related to archery and firearms. We have expanded our archery family to include many who never gave archery a thought. Earlier this year, some people were just in town for a conference, picked up an Uncle Andy's while waiting for a dinner reservation, and decided to come visit us with their party of six after dinner to rent bows. They had a great laugh... and so did we. It's all about making good memories together. Somebody in a waiting room somewhere is reading an Uncle Andy's and saying, "Hmm, I'm gonna try that archery thing. My nephew/niece/ husband/grandson/daughter... would love to go with me."

Word of mouth is the best advertising, but Uncle Andy's helps us go beyond our circle of friends to invite more members of our community to come visit us and our greeting committee, our dogs, Apollo & Zeus. Thanks for your help in advertising.

– Sincerely, Jess & Tom

Tom & Jess Hartford, owners of Central Maine Archery with their dogs, Zeus & Apollo As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

IF Submitted by WEP (Flashback story)

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

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The motto at Uncle Andy’s Digest: You don't have to be crazy to work here. We'll train you.

Generators Dealer!

We are a licensed

Portable units available

If your power goes out, your generator goes on – automatically.

• Reliability • Easily Accessible Controls • Framed for Durability • Easy to make effortless electric start, battery included

STANDBY UNITS

It’s really that simple.

FULL INSTALLATION AVAILABLE! CALL FOR MORE INFO ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

ElectricalSystemsOfMaine.com

Save time . . . see it my way.

HENSON’S AUTO REPAIR Mike & Jay Henson ASE Certified Techs

Lease and Property Management

• Major & Minor Auto Repairs • Domestic & Foreign • State Inspections • Computer Diagnostics

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65.00

per hour

labor rate

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84 Adams Ave. Lewiston, Maine

Mon-Fri 8am-5pm

782-5202

Property

207.784.2011 www.yourleasingoffice.com

Lingerie Home Parties for bridal showers Home Parties & Boutique

320-1165

20 Main St., 3rd Floor, Suite #1 Sabattus • W-Th 6-9 • Sat 9-2 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Referral

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Humphreys

Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

Demers forms Maine Mortgage Company

CWP Courses: $100 per person 8 hrs -lunch, refreshments included. Need a pistol and 100 rounds of ammo plus eye and ear protection.

See you there!

Upcoming Classes 8am–4pm: Sat. May 11th • Sun. May 19th Sat. June 1st

481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm

Mark Your Calendar!

American Cancer Society • Relay for Life of Androscoggin County Team Captain & info meeting • Wednesday, May 1st & June 5th 6:00pm at Kaplan University in Lewiston relayforlife.org/androscogginme or 207-373-3704 for questions

You Name It, We Frame It! Custom Picture Framing you’ll treasure forever!

Our Affordable, Everyday Pricing 8x10 .........................$20 16x20 .......................$30 20x24 .......................$40 24x36 .......................$50

Sports memorabilia, artwork, family photos & so much more!

Silver, Gold or Black metal frames only.

Expert Custom Framing & Quality Personal Service!

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Dan Williams, owner

A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up.

So I told him there were 40.

Scott Demers, a native of Auburn has recently announced the formation of his latest company, Maine Mortgage Co. Demers, a 2001 graduate of ELHS & 2005 graduate of Bentley University where he earned his degree in Finance, is also co-owner of Demers Foods along with his brother, John.

Following his graduation from Bentley and a 2 year stint with a Finance Company in Boston, Demers returned to his roots in Auburn. "I've lived in Auburn my entire life, and I really wanted to come back and serve the community that I'm from," Demers said. Scott has been in the Mortgage Industry for the past 5 years as a Licensed Mortgage Broker, and his new company Maine Mortgage Co. has all the major loan programs available at their disposal.

He goes on to state, "Maine Mortgage Co. offers all the programs the larger institutions & brokers offer such as purchase loans of all types as well and refinancing, but with a one on one individual approach.”

Demers says his part of being a Mortgage broker and part of the reason he started Maine Mortgage Co, is to work with First Time Home Buyers. "There's nothing like helping someone through the entire Mortgage process for the first time. Helping them understand everything from their credit report & score to the closing process," Demers remarked.

Maine Mortgage Co. is a Licensed by the State of Maine # SLB 1043950, and Mr Demers is also a licensed Mortgage Broker NMLS# 389245. If you're looking to contact Scott with any questions or to setup a free consultation you can reach him by calling 1-800-554-9630 or 207-577-8513.

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Out ’n About in Paris

Caller ID should be more detailed... "Wants Help Moving", "Going to Whine", "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

Rainbow

Check out our closeout inventory

and

$AVE!!

Log on to RainbowBike.com We service all brands & types of bikes

Bicycle Dad, I bet you also didn’t know that it was Louis XIV initiated Les Invalides in 1670, as a home and hospital for aged and unwell soldiers.

Gerry Gagne with his daughter, Danielle Gagne at Les Invalides (the first military hospital)

Did You Know?

Jacques-Yves Cousteau is perhaps the most well-known modern scuba diver and undersea explorer.

He brought the world of undersea diving within the capabilities of ordinary people by inventing (with Emile Gagnan) the aqualung in 1942. He was also active in the movement to safeguard the oceans from pollution.

"The winner's edge is not in a gifted birth, a high IQ, or in talent.

The winner's edge is all in the attitude, not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success."

– Denis Waitley Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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97 Lisbon St. • Lewiston • 784-7576

Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family.”

Assisted Home Care is Growing Again

Assisting Families since 1997

Assisted Home Care is seeking individuals to work with developmentally disabled adults. If you would like to work in area group homes and you are certified DSP/CRMA, Assisted Home Care would like you to join our team. We are a per diem staff agency that’s family oriented. If you need to adjust your schedule because of the demands on your life, come join our family.

550 College St., Lewiston • 783-7375 • www.assistedhomecare.org

Now Enrolling!

yrs.

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We offer preschool & toddler programs, separate rooms for each age group, and a large outdoor play area!

Early Learning Center

301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene

946-KIDS Ask about our multi-child discount and family vacation benefit

Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

First you're telling me to be myself, then you're telling me to stop being an idiot.

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Out ’n About at the ribbon cutting at Academy Street Townhouses

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I've owned 3 Golden Retriever's and not once has one of them brought me any gold.

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You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

-- Anne Bradstreet On June 10, 1970, American David Kunst began to walk around the world. 1,576 days later, on October 5, 1974, he completed his walk. When traveling by ship between land masses, he walked the decks of the ship!

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OUT AND ABOUT at the YMCA Healthy Kid’s Day Y Staff

Ten: Number of fingers children have. Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put winter gloves on them.

Flashback to 2001

Now featuring our newly renovated optical office

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Dr. Wolf has performed over 25,000 procedures and has lectured on Cataract Surgery worldwide.

Kenneth Wolf, M.D.

Mary

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Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

Jim’s Rent It Carolyn

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

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Mary Where are they now?

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Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Day of Fishing Submitted by Marlene Hatch (Flashback story)

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid - who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says, "Done."

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

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We have classes for everyone from ages 7 to 97 • Self defense classes for women, men, and seniors • Traditional martial art classes which include weapons such as the bo, sai, tonfa, and Nunchaku Come in and watch a class! Join anytime!

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to see class details

1002 Minot Ave. • Auburn

Out ’n About in Florence, Italy with Lake Region High School

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."

Back row: Donnie Eaton, Alex Menezes, Nicole Fox, Sarah Carlson, Carolyn Lucy, Liza Wildey, Maggie Scarlett, Erin Holston, Sarah Hancock, Kalor Plummer, Kasey Huntress, and Nick Hall.

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Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM

(continued on next page)

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

(continued from previous page)

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

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The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe.

Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.

Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done." And he turns into a woman.

"There is no kind of ultimate goal to do something twice as good as anyone else can. It's just to do the job as best you can. If it turns out good, fine. If it doesn't, that's the way it goes."

– Chuck Yeager

9 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

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960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.

– Calvin Coolidge Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About in Florence, Italy

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

• New Homes • Additions • Siding • Windows & Doors • Kitchens • Flooring • Handicap Bathrooms & Ramps • Seamless Gutters • Blown-in Insulation

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933-4874 • Leeds, ME vghomeimprovements.com Nick Hall

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Strange Lawsuits A woman cut her hand while using a knife to separate frozen hors d'oeuvres that she bought at a supermarket. She sued the supermarket, and the manufacturer and packager of the frozen food item.

Interesting Town Names Gripe, AZ was named by the employees of the agricultural inspection station which is located there. We can all guess why it was named.

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No matter where you go, there you are.

Tips with English Grammar: Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

Calling all Goobers

Camping Submitted by WEP in 2001

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and are sound asleep.

Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, Tonto.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Each time you sneeze, you kill a few brain cells.

A Koala Bear sleeps 22 hours a day.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Dan Cunliffe on the movie set of Mission Impossible XVII

I’ll never sink or swim again with my new Go-go gadget turbo boosters.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dummy, someone has stolen our tent."

Okay, who stopped the payment on Uncle Andy’s reality check?

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Biology grows on you.

Out ’n About in Rome at the Coliseum

and Out ’n About at the Vatican

This Mother’s Day, Shower Mom with Flowers

Flowers in May ✿ Mother’s Day ✿ Memorial Day ✿ Proms ✿ Graduations

Order Early

782-3457

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn

782-3457 www.annsflower.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. – Uncle Andy

A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.

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Chris, shown here, works with one of his many clients, Hillary Nurmi

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Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

facebook.com/ UncleAndysDigest Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Kids Proverbs

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Submitted by Audrey Johnson (Flashback to 2001)

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than…punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the…bug is close.

It's always darkest before…daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of… termites.

You can lead a horse to water but…how?

Don't bite the hand that…looks dirty.

No news is… impossible.

A miss is as good as a…Mr. You can't teach an old dog…math.

If you lie down with dogs, you…will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust…me.

The pen is mightier than…the pigs.

An idle mind is…the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's…pollution.

Happy is the bride who…gets all the presents.

A penny saved is…not much. (continued on next page)

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Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Cyst: short of Sister

(continued from previous page)

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

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Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

Two is company, three's…The Musketeers.

None are so blind as…Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed…get new batteries.

You get out of something what you.…see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind…get out of the way.

There is no fool like…Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.

Cry and .....you have to blow your nose.

Out ’n About at Old Mill Auto in Mechanic Falls

Out ’n About with Miami Mike Digest to the left, Digest to the right, you are reading this Uncle Andy’s Digest because you have sight. Another month has come and gone and with the new month of May comes a new edition of Uncle Andy’s Digest and no Uncle Andy’s Digest would be complete without a Miami Mike column!

Now as we say goodbye to an April for several good reasons (and a few heinous reasons) we look to May for a new beginning and a fresh start.

As they say, April showers bring May flowers. So whether you need a little pick-me-up from the gloomy April showers or you are looking to perk Mommy up on Mother’s Day, which is May 12th this year by the way (so no fair forgetting) you need to “smell the roses” and get over to Ann’s Flower Shop. Ann’s can help you get just the right flower arrangement that will fit your budget and score you major brownie points with Mama.

May even make her forget about the

time you threw a red shirt in with her load of whites containing her favorite blouse.

So, with that in mind maybe steer clear of pink flowers. Regardless, let Ann’s Flower Shop set you up right for Mother’s day.

While the folks at Ann’s are strutting through the flowery meadows hand-picking your magnificent bouquet, you might want to check out Hair by Gregory’s in Auburn. Don’t let the name fool you. They do not create hair so keep that turtle wax for your bald spot, its not going anywhere. Hair by Gregory’s styles, cuts & colors hair and no, the bowl cut you have been fashioning since the early 90s is not still in style, but if you insist they could probably give ya the old Lloyd Christmas for another month. I hear they have a brand new website too, built by those geniuses over at Uncle Andy’s Digest. Check out HairByGregorys.com. The website will give you all the information

you are looking for and its almost guaranteed to be aesthetically pleasing with and without bifocals.

It’s the best website ever made since it was made by the folks at Uncle Andy’s Digest.

Digesters it is past my bedtime and I need my beauty sleep, as you all clearly know from my ugly mug in the Digest month after month. Email me, tweet me, send me the winning lotto numbers!! uncleandysdigestmiamimike@aol.co m/ or on twitter @UADMiamiMike

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won't expect it back.

Gunner

Magnum Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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THINK

USE

Tips with English Grammar: Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

School Mates Submitted by Jimbo

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

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Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life."

-- Frank Lloyd Wright

TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM

The game of Monopoly was invented in 1933.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

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Change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.

To Add Laughter to Your Life Submitted by Jack Marsh in 2001

• Watch funny movies or TV shows.

• Read funny books or listen to cassettes of your favorite comedian in the car.

• Read your favorite comic strip each day.

Clip the ones that make you laugh most and post them where you can see them.

• Watch children and animals. They naturally do things that make us laugh.

• Spend time with people who like to laugh.

• Remember a funny story about yourself or someone you know.

"Just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean your mistakes get to make you.

Take notice of your inner critic, forgive yourself, and move on." – Robert Tew

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Interesting Town Names Hippo, KY was named for a local resident, the husband of the woman who ran the first post office there. Because he complained all the time, the man was called ‘Hippo’ - once a not uncommon southern nickname for a hypochondriac.

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an aboutturn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."

- C.S. Lewis Interesting Town Names Altus, OK once had a different name and well as a different location.

When the town was destroyed in a flood, the residents wisely opted to rebuild the town on safer ground and renamed the town Altus, Latin for “high.”

Hot water will turn into ice faster then cold water.

Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen is now accepting new patients at his new location.

730 Center Street Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

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Mon.-Fri. 7-5pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson.

The Oasis Gemma Osborne

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Did You Know?

There are more than 200 satellites orbiting earth solely for the purpose of private communications services, including pagers, telephones, and computers.

The fastest animal on four legs is the cheetah, which races at speeds up to 70 miles per hour in short distances. It can accelerate to 45 miles per hour in two seconds.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Mike Cain of the Androscoggin Bank Colisee and his daughter, Pollie who is a big little fan of the Digest!

Tips with English Grammar: It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

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Websites...

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A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A MOTHER’S DAY TRIBUTE A SON’S TRIBUTE TO HIS DEAR MOTHER

Gloria Garant I am writing this story with great pain and sorrow in my heart for my dear mother, Gloria Garant who passed away on March 6, 2013, after a three week stay at CMMC in Lewiston and Maine Medical Center in Portland. My mother was truly unique and one of a kind and has left a void in my heart that will always be felt. My mother had a very difficult life. As a young woman she lost her mother at a very young age and never fully recovered from that loss. Her father became over protective of her and kept her close by in fear of losing her as well. He never remarried and as a result lived quite a lonely life. My mother joined the convent and became a Gray Nun in Canada for several years. She then left and returned to Maine and shortly after married my father, Noel Garant. They had known each other as children and now had decided to wed. They proceeded to have two children. I was born in 1966 and my sister Anne in 1970. My mother had told me several times in my life she prayed to God to have both me and Anne.

We grew up in the Lewiston area as a French Canadian family. My father worked two jobs so we never saw him much during the daytime.

My mother had a kind heart and loved me and my sister very much sometimes being a little to overprotective due to her insecurities with her mother. She was always concerned and wanted the best for

me and Anne. She would always come to our rescue if anyone or anything tried to harm us. She would do whatever it took to make sure all was well with both of us.

When my sister was 18 she married and left the house. I stayed with my parents for several more years and then in 1998 my father became very ill due to lung and colon cancer and he passed away that same year.

That loss at the time was very painful to the family and especially to my mother. I became even closer to mom and continued to live with her. Later that year I met a wonderful lady named Linda who one year later became my wife and I moved away but continued to be in close contact with Mom. A few years later her health issues became more severe and had several close calls at that point. In 2009 my sister bought a big house and had mom move in with her so she could become her caregiver. In the meantime Mom’s health continued to fluctuate up and down. During these years my wife became close friends with Mom and they would talk on the phone for hours. During these times Mom never stopped worrying or being concerned over me and Anne. In late February Mom began to see people and things that weren’t there in her room and she would tell my wife it was disturbing.

My sister had her brought to CMMC and then to Maine Medical Center for a second opinion. Mom’s health began to get worse. She could not swallow or eat anything. She also could not talk very well. She was then placed on a ventilator and never was able to breathe on her own again. It was exactly the same set of circumstances as in my father’s death. Both were in ICU, on ventilators and had difficulty breathing and they both passed away in March.

My mother’s dying words to me and Anne were “I did the best that I could”. I believe she did Mere words cannot describe the pain and loss felt by both me and Anne. My mother was also my best friend and

she would call me almost every day to see how well things were going with me. Both my parents chose cremation and had small funeral services. My mother died in my arms and I will never forget that day as long as I live, with my sister by my side.

My mother’s interests included doll collecting as well as purse and hat shopping. She also loved the Lord Jesus very much and knew she would fall asleep soon awaiting her Savior’s promise.

As I look back I can honestly say my mother had a heart of gold and loved to do kind things for people she liked and cared about. She loved to watch old classic movies and drink strawberry milkshakes as well as strawberry fruit candy. She got me hooked on fruit candy as well I would visit her several times a week while waiting to pick up my wife Linda at her dialysis treatments. Mom and I would watch TV together and talk. She was my best friend as well as my mother. When she passed away she was ten days away from her 80th Birthday. She would say I don’t have birthdays any longer. We always made sure she had her birthdays.

Mom passed away at Maine Medical Center at 6:45 P.M. on March 6th of this year. She will always live in our hearts. I miss her calling me at work to see how I was doing that day or speaking to my wife for hours on the phone, giving her moral support and encouragement.

As this Mother’s Day approaches I cannot help but feel sorrowful in the fact she is no longer with us but I can take comfort in knowing that she is resting in Jesus and someday my entire family will be reunited again with no more pain and suffering that is currently in the world today. I loved my mother very much and I will be the first to admit I was a mama’s boy. She has touched my heart and I will never forget her.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

There are days that the memories come flooding in and are almost too hard to deal with knowing I will not be able to talk to her again in this world. She wanted the best for her kids and she would want us to continue on and be strong. People try to be kind and say “I am sorry for your loss and know how you feel”, but no one knows how another feels cause every one deals with pain and sorrow in a different way. The passing of a loved one is not a pleasant one and can be difficult to deal with.

My mother was a strong and yet sensitive woman who made a decision to have a family and have children, and she did. I believe that there is nothing in the world like a mother’s love for her children and knowing a mother’s love is unconditional and supportive in the lives of their children.

This Mother’s Day I will pause and reflect that my mother will continue to live in my heart forever, and she will always be two steps behind me and my sister. My heart is broken by this loss of my mother and my friend. As time moves forward I will in great joy wait for that day I will be able to run to her and throw my arms around her and say ‘Mama your son Joseph is here” and I will never have to say good-bye to her again. Her favorite song was the hymn In The Garden and every time I see a flower or hear that song I have a tear in my eye and a hope in my heart that she will live again.

To everyone who has been so kind to my family thru this, and to a very special company, Currey Printers for helping me design the most beautiful bulletins for my mother’s memorial service, I say thank you.

God Bless,

Joseph Garant Steele & Anne Edwards

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Great Ideas!

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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Our delivery area. Visit our website for pricing on all of our products.

784-7944 www.stlaurentandson.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

Great Ideas!

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May 2013

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Laughter

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw

Submitted by Jack Marsh (Flashback story)

Laughter is really good for your mental and physical health, say researchers who have studied its benefits.

Here's some of what these researchers have learned.

Laughter strengthens the body's ability to fight disease. Laughter increases the body's ability to produce and release a bacteria- and virus-fighter known as salivary immunoglobin A (S-IgA).

Researchers studied two groups of students.

One group tended to use humor to cope with stress and another didn't. After both groups viewed a comedy routine, the group that relied on laughter to fight stress had higher S-IgA levels than the other group.

Laughter fights stress.

Stressed individuals have higher levels of a hormone called cortical. Studies show that laughter lowers cortical levels in the body, which makes laughter a natural stress buster.

Laughter fights stress in another way. Much of the stress we experience is related to how we think. Laughing after an embarrassing mistake you made, for example, is far less stressful than losing sleep or remaining (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

98

May 2013

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The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

(continued from previous page)

stressed over it.

At least one type of laughter can lower blood pressure. An ability to laugh at your own mistakes also is a good way to lower blood pressure. In one study, researchers first measured what made people laugh. Then, each person was subjected to experiences that normally raise blood pressure levels.

People who tended to laugh at their own mistakes had the smallest increases in blood pressure. However, people who tended to use humor that attacks other people or things had the highest increases.

Laughter increases energy levels. Feeling tired or run down?

Have a good laugh.

Laughter is a natural pick-me-up, which may provide the energy and time needed to do things that might otherwise be avoided.

Laughter helps us bond with others. Ever heard the expression "Laugh and the world laughs with you"? Research shows that when we laugh, we tend to talk more, make more eye contact and do more of the things that help us connect with others.

Laughter also lessens tension. It's hard to feel angry, tense or anxious when you're laughing.

Laughter is good exercise! Laughing 100 times has the same effect on the body as being on a rowing machine for 10 minutes or a stationary bike for 15 minutes.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

May 2013

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99

Great Ideas!

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