Uncle Andy's Digest - May 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

The Most Unusual Digest in America!

$0.00 MAY 2014

e t a r b e l e C with Japanese Cuisine Make your reservations now for

Mother’s Day & Father’s Day The perfect place to celebrate proms & graduations!

40 East Ave., Lewiston

795-6888 www.sea40me.com

Armandsab@aol.com

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

May 2014 Sunday, May 4th Sabattus American Legion Post 135 Breakfast 7:30am – 10am Island Rd, Sabattus $5 Member; $6 Guest Tuesday, May 6th Roy’s Breakfast 7 – 10am (Chapter 14437) 5 Washington St, Auburn $2.50 Member; $3 Guest Sunday, May 11th KC Mother’s Day Brunch 9am – Noon (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $5 Member; $7 Guest; Child / 10 free Tuesday, May 13th Luiggi’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 10589) 63 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Wednesday, May 14th Dairy Joy 3 – 7pm (Chapter 14346) Campus Ave, Lew/ Spring St, Auburn $1 Member

Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston

Art Chamberlain 207-514-7003 Lewiston

Saturday, May 17th KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 5pm 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Wednesday, May 21st Chick-a-Dee Lewiston 6pm SHARP (Chapter 12749) HOMETOWN HERO Dinner Honoring Ginger & Conrad Levasseur 1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston $7 Member; $8 Guest

Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston

Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston

Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway

Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick

Deb Wagemann* ChFC 207-783-8804 Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running.

Wednesday, May 28th Schemengees 4 -7 pm (Chapter 8609) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $8 Member; $9 Guest Wednesday, May 28th Pizza Hut 11:30am - 1:30pm (Chapter 10929) Rt 26, Oxford $5 Member; $5.50 Guest

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays).

Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Staff JIMBO Singing the

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Praises

UNCLE ANDY Facing the Music

MAGGIE MAY Hallelujah

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

THOMAS Blues Prophet

PAM Easy Listening

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

TANMAN The Wentworth Rapper

GENE-O Likes Everything with a G-string

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 EMAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

UncleAndys.com While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

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The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

Ask Aboutre Our In-Stong Financi

WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONE’S BUDGET!

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe Blackie & Jackie’s house caught fire on Christmas day and was a total loss. No one was home when the fire broke out. The Labbe children, extended family and many community members came together and have rebuilt a brand new home for Blackie & Jackie. These photos are from a benefit dinner that raised money to help cover some of the expenses. A great community it is!

Our Community is pretty incredible!

995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100

Mike Labbe Blackie & Jackie’s son

Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops

Bruce

Quartz Counter tops starting at $54.99/ LF Installed!

Stacy

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Steve Bosse Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

MAY’S MEG The Back Forty Used

Our family is absolutely INCREDIBLE!

Jackie & Blackie Labbe

2011 Ford Fusion SE

2011 Toyota Sienna

2013 Ford Focus S

Blue, Crew Cab, 54k

Black, 104k, 2.5L 4 cyls

Silver,3.5L V6, Auto.

6spd., 62k

Silver, 2.0L 4cyl., 5-speed, FWD, 10k

our price

our price

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$20,995

$13,888

$25,595 $10,995 2012 Chevrolet Impala LTZ

2012 Ford Focus SE

2011 Honda Pilot EX

2012 Nissan Juke

Blue, 11k , V6, FWD 6spd

Red, 51k, auto, FWD, 36mpg

Black, 3.5L V6, Auto, FWD SUV, 76k

White, 25k, CVT, 4cyl, 30mpg highway

our price

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$17,995

$14,995

$18,995

$19,995

Norm Crotrau

Ryan Szantre Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep.

Among the footprints in the sands of time, make sure yours aren’t the mark of a heel.

GA DEALS d Car & Truck Center

Safe & Sound Submitted by Thomas Hill

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

2012 Mitsubishi Lancer

2011 Honda Accord

2010 Nissan Maxima

2011 Honda CRV EXL

Silver, 4WD, Hatchback, 28k

2.4 EX 45k, Blue, FWD

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

Blue, 39k, 4WD, Auto

our price

our price

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$14,995

$17,995

$19,995

$22,995

2012 Scion

2011 Hyundai Sonata Limited

2013 Toyota 4Runner SR5

2011 Toyota Prius 3

TC base, White, 22k

Shimmering White, 2.4L 4cyl., 55k

Gray, 31k, auto, 4WD, V6

Blue, 66k, Hybrid, FWD

our price

our price

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$16,995

$16,995

$31,995

$17,995

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -there's nothing left!

This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Adults are just kids who owe money.

PAMPER MOM! with a Gift Card from Jasmine Cafe!

m

Jas

afe C e in

Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi

Blackie Labbe & Karen Nichols

Join or

730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza • 376-4855

jasminecafemaine.com

nch u l for y day s u r an e dinn May! in

Wacky Wednesdays!

6-9pm (50¢ off ALL washers) 34 Washers from 10 lb to 80 lb capacity 40 Dryers!

Our customers say, “Beal’s is the cleanest Laundromat in L/A!”

May Special Buckle up, this piggy-back ride might hit a few pot holes...

Blaine & Lexie Martin

LAUNDROMAT • CLEANERS • COIN-OP

Behind Rite Aid off Union Street Bypass

Come in during Wacky Hours & get Beal’s Bucks!

See Us For All Your Fabric & Metal Fabrication From repairs to large projects! We can do it!

• Canvas • Upholstery • Metal Fabrication

• Residential/Commercial Awnings

Canvas & Upholstery 41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

Claudette Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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783-5600 There are two reasons why some folks don’t mind their own business.

No mind, No business.

Spring & Summer dates are filling fast - Book NOW!

Weddings • Summer Parties Reunions • Lobster Feeds • BBQ’s Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!

Professional service at an affordable price Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!

Dad’s Place Catering Division 345-9009

DadsPlace.info

FREE

COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

Expires 5.31.14

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

ONLY

$5

Watermelons

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

r ar! u O Ye th 19

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!

Golfer: "Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?"

Caddie: "Yes, ma'am.

You've had your hair done."

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Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.

So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

Mike Morin’s OIL CHANGE

Front end alignments for ONLY

$24.95

$79.95!

WHAT A DEAL!

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

Mike Morin

18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

Caddy Tip Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy, a self-proclaimed hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

He plays poorly all day. Round about the

Uncle Andy looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

HUGE INVENTORY SALE! We are overstocked on guns and ammo

Saturday May 17th - next concealed weapons class call for details

J.T. REID’S GUNS We buy, sell & trade Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

Full Line Gunsmith Service

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.

9th annual

GOLF TOURNAMENT Poland Regional H.S. Knights Baseball fundraiser

SUNDAY, MAY 18, 2014

Join Us! Teams of four $50 per player or $200 team

Includes golf, cart and dinner!

50/50 Prizes Giveaways

Registration and payment must be received by May 15th!

12:00 noon check-in 1:00pm shotgun start

To register, please contact Jim Marston at 576-4844 or jimbo@UncleAndys.com

Fairlawn Golf Course in Poland

Please support these locally owned businesses!

Thanks to our Prime Sponsor:

DINNER SPONSOR: Minot Country Store 174 Minot Ave., Minot

782-0650

Auburn • Norway • Windham

1-800-605-9263 AustinPA.com

There’s no place like...

1399 Maine Street, Poland • 998-3475 Visit us online for a branch near you:

NortheastBank.com

175 Lewiston Road, Gray

657.6400 pinetreefoodequipment.com

www.Z1055.com

344-5029

The Best Pizza & Coldest Beverages in Town!

bourqueconstruction@yahoo.com Like us on FACEBOOK

23 Pleasant St., Mechanic Falls 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

784-3503 emersonchevy.com

212 Center St. Auburn

1052 Minot Ave, Auburn

783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

261 Ash Street, Lewiston • 786-6641 www.hlrvd.com

784-4444

Building & Remodeling

2 College St, Lewiston

Hornblower, Lynch, Rabasco, & Van Dyke

946 Center St. Auburn

Jason Simard

Central Fire Station

Dad’s Place

Call Josh Bourque for a FREE quote

345-9610

COOPER PAVING • Asphalt Paving • Coal Tar Sealcoating • Gilsonite Sealcoating • Hot Rubberized Crack Filling And More!

103 Cross Road, Minot • 345-3529

of Auburn & Oxford

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It was awesome to see 500 people from one community come together!

Connie Berry

Ron Berry Someone tell my sons to bring more wood.

Edith Tripp Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Close Shave Submitted by Ron Hood

Spring In To Wellness!

Call Today for an adjustment!

Accepting New Patients

416 Sabattus St. Lewiston Brittney, Ivy, Dr. Stratman, Dr. Sasseville, Dr. Grant, Robyn, Megan

777-3333

www.sassevillechiropractic.com

10 Tips for Spring Cleaning!

1. Replace all cleaners with eco-friendly cleaning products 2. Use white vinegar, baking soda & lemon juice to clean the surface of sinks & tubs to make them shine 3. Change to fluoride-free toothpaste & mouthwash 4. Store your food in glass. Avoid plastic containers 5. Look for eco-friendly laundry products (ie detergents, softeners) with all-natural & biodegradable ingredients 6. To get fresh-smelling laundry, add 5 drops of lavender &/or chamomile oil to eco-friendly laundry detergent or directly to water

7. Use a clothesline instead of a clothes dryer. It saves money and is kinder to the environment 8. Pay attention to adequate indoor ventilation by opening the windows when you can 9. Opt for natural room scents like essential oils, beeswax candles or flowers 10. Spring clean your wardrobe. When you’re putting your winter clothes away, replace mothballs with natural alternatives. Stuff a sock with cinnamon sticks, whole cloves and bay leaves, then tie the end of the sock in a knot to make your own drawer freshener.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There’s no future in time travel.

Straight Talk. Practical Solutions.

We speak a language YOU understand!

We specialize in: Wills, Powers of Attorney, Domestic Relations, General Civil Litigation, Landlord/Tenant & Court-Appointed matters.

Call fo r your FREE consult ation!

The Law Offices of Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.

207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston LewistonMaineLawyers.com

A fellow got up one morning and decided he no longer was going to shave himself, he was instead going to the barber for his morning shave.

The town barber also happened to be the local pastor in town.

When the guy walked into the barber shop the barber/pastor was not there, he was out on a pastoral call but his wife Grace was in the shop.

The man said to Grace, "I want a shave." Grace told him to climb up in the chair and she gave him a shave. When Grace was finished he asked her how much for the shave and Grace said, "Twenty dollars."

"Twenty dollars, that seems a little steep," the guy replied.

Grace said: "That's my charge."

So the guy gave her $20 bill and went on his way. The next morning when he got up he went to the mirror and looked and his face was as smooth as when he was shaved the day before. He checked the following the day, same thing, a week went by, two weeks and his face stayed as smooth as a (continued on next page)

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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(continued from previous page)

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. – Aristotle

baby's face.

Finally after the third week he stopped back in the barber shop and Grace happened to be there. The guy said to her: "Grace, I can't believe I still don't need another shave. You did some kind of magnificent job."

And Grace replied, "Well, you have been shaved by Grace and once shaved always shaved!"

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe Jackie Carpenter, who is in the Air Force flew in from Minot, ND for this event!

M

M

Recognize Your Mom with our SPRQtacular One Day Sale!

Our Annual Share-A-Ship Savings is Sunday, May 11th

Find a friend and SHARE the $60/month by signing a $30/month 1yr EFT for both of you!

SABATTUS 20 Main St. 2nd floor 375-6000

Make Your Mom SPRQ-le on Mother’s Day with a gift certificate!

SPRQstudio.com

POLAND 1385 Maine St. Unit 3/4 998-2010

You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. – Bob Ross

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe Christmas Day 2013 From Minot to Minot, cool.

Karen Nichols & Josh Quint

New home 2014

For my next number...

Sandy Haley (daughter of Blackie & Jackie),

Jackie Carpenter & Cat Haley

Madison

Life grants nothing to us mortals without hard work. – Horace

Invisible threads are the strongest ties. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Choices Submitted by Thomas Hill

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$

12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

e o m r o d l o l R

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

ULE SPRING tsS- CAgHesE20D+ 7:30-10pm

Available for private parties

Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: t 7:30 - 10pm - Family Nigh ts gh Saturday Ni 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

COME AND ENJOY OUR OUTDOOR SEATING!

Sam heard all about the great service in the “Sleep Fine Hotel”, so after dropping his stuff in his room, he excitedly headed down to the hotel lounge.

He was only there for a few minutes when a beautifully dressed waitress came over to him.

“Would you like something to drink?” she asked.

Sam took in a deep breath, looked around at the beautiful lobby and asked “what are my choices?”

The woman gave Sam a strange look, and responded in an extra loud and slow voice, “yeees or noooo.”

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

Join Our Mug Club 21 Draft beers

Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings!

k Drin l s Al cial e p S th!

Mon

Mon: Tues: Wed: Thurs: Fri: Sat: Sun:

Burger Nights w/2 sides . .$6.99 . . . . . .Pitchers $8.00 Open Mic Night . . . . . . . .$2.00 PBR Whiskey Drinks $1.00 off . .50¢ Wings . . .$5.00 Martinis Happy Hour! . . . . . . . . . .$2.00 Drafts Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Live Entertainment starts at 9pm Home Cooked Meals: Pot Roast, Meat Loaf, Turkey Dinners

the Home of Co. Engine er Burg

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we’ve got.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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That Doggie

Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.

Submitted by Jimbo

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

Driving Range • Mini Golf • Restaurant • Ice Cream

s Our Famou s g in R on ni O

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

TABERS 470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn

Out ’n About at the 2014 Chili & Chowder Taste Challenge

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”

The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and spanked him.

ste a & lob ken, tun salad ic h c e d mema spinach rving ho rilled chicken Also se NEW g

www.tabersgolf.com

Rough Round Submitted by Jimbo

"Where's he been", the husband asked.

"He's been caddying for you all afternoon", the wife replied "No wonder he looks so familiar!"

Alex Perrault (of Jasmine Café), Chef Dan Caron, Culinary Arts Instructor at Lewiston RTC

& Supannee Seangwong, owner of Jasmine Café in Auburn

“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”

“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”

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r rolls &

Open 7 days a week!

After coming from a long round of golf, his wife kissed him and kissed their son who came in a few moments later.

Timber

“Yes, Daddy, I did,” the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”

FAMILY FUN!

Congratulations to Jasmine Café who won 1st Place in the Chili - Judges Choice category at the 11th Annual Chili/Chowder Taste Challenge held at Longley Elementary School in Lewiston recently.

Arise Awake and stop not till your GOAL is reached.

Your smile is your weapon. Use it on your enemies.

Short Game

Ca Your Ap ll for point Today! ment

Submitted by Jimbo

TOMORROW’S TECHNOLOGY TODAY! Treat your scars, wrinkles, fine lines, saggy skin and stretch marks NOW!!

Microneedling stimulates the body’s natural healing response.

The end result is firmer, smoother, tighter skin.

We also offer:

Uncle Andy was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Uncle Andy exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

Tattoo Removal Targeted Fat Reduction Advanced Technology Facials (with Hyrdofacial MD)

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

34 Center St., Auburn • 207.333.3069 • YourBestSkinOfMaine.com Common sense should be a super power because sense is not common.

would like to wish all our moms a very special Mother’s Day! Honor her with a gift card for any of our professional services.

Kelly D. & Camille

Bring a Friend Get a Part Foil or Solid Color with cut & Style

Only $100 (for both!) with Kelly D. or Camille only

We are a full service salon We Now Offer WiFi 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

786-4311

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 8am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume... I can't turn that down.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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Memory Like an...

Submitted by Ron Hood

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

I can see exactly 6 years into the future, I've got 2020 vision.

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

Marek & Mallory

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

You’ll be smiling too after our daddy fixes your car at a reasonable price!

Spring is here!

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

Time to get your car or truck in for professional detailing. Protect your vehicle from the elements.We offer complete vehicle detailing.

Call for our specials!

782-6515

1111 Center Street, Auburn

Quick Study Submitted by Jimbo

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.

"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday."

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Home of the Safety Cameras We install Rearview Back-up Cameras!

Remote Starters 216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339 • SoundEffectsMaine.com (Next to Republic Jewelry • Parking in back of building)

I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer, as I struggle to pass a bar.

I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?"

I said, "Cause I can't afford to buy".

We’ve Expanded!

Come Celebrate with Us! Friday & Saturday May 16 & 17

First Time Ever!

W LO n , o n W LO ices ctio

Pr sele s GE pa HU of S

30% off Pool Chemicals May 16th & 17th Only Raffles & Giveaways (Find out how to win a sauna!)

Come check out our new products for 2014!

VISIT

SWIMMING POOLS

FRI. 9-6US SAT. 9-4&

The Breakdown Submitted by Jimbo

On the seventeenth of the Wentworth Club Course a very careful player was studying the green. First he got down on his hands and knees to check out the turf between his ball and the hole. Then he flicked several pieces of grass out of the way and getting up he held up a wet finger to try out the direction of the wind. Then turning to his caddie he asked:

1057 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 786-4256 • ricksswimmingpools.com

"Was the green mowed this morning?"

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

"Yes, sir." "Right to left or left to right?"

"Right to left, sir."

Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event The golfer putted... and missed the hole completely. He whirled on the caddie, "What TIME?"

You have my vote, honey!

Ernie, Patti & Steph Gagne

Mom, Senator Gagne has a nice ring to it.

Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA, standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 19

Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar, the bar keep says, "I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything".

Outdoor Patio NOW Open!

• Sandwiches, Wraps, Salads & Smoothies • Party Platters • Boxed Lunches • Breakfast Served All Day

Locally Owned & Operated HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

I was always taking notes at my last job, but then they checked the cash register.

Dad, you know I can’t be bothered once I start reading my copy of Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Patti Gagné does whatever it takes to get the job done!

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Chase Cook

18 month old son of Ryan Cook, Grandson of Peter Cook

Biologists have discovered they can stop frogs dying by removing their vocal cords so they can't croak.

My friend went a bit off the rails when he was younger, which is probably why he’s no longer allowed to drive a train.

We have the loan for you!

No appointment necessary!

Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event

Auto • Recreational • Personal We have the money to lend!

We’re home of the one hour loan!

Competitive Low Rates Fast Approvals Extended Terms

John & Jen Johnson I’m ready for the challenge.

A fresh perspective for Lewiston from a lifelong resident of Lewiston.

Call Michele, Dane or Ken today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

Patti has an infectious smile.

That alone will melt any barriers.

Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 GreatFallsfcu.com Restrictions & qualification apply

What do you call a group of crows staring at a bird feeder? A tempted murder.

Robin & Brian Robbins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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Weekend Wisdom Submitted by Thomas Hill

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

With all this crap on the TV these days, I think it's about time our parrot went back in its cage.

May 5th

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There's no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!”

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Corona • Tequila shots • Margaritas Only $3.00

y Mast 31

Come Celebrate Our May 31st with the Band Veggies

by Day

ANNIVERSARY

MAY

May 2 DJ Will May 3 Bad Penny May 5 Cinco de Mayo Party May 9 DJ May 10 Ragged Jack May 16 DJ May 17 Cold Blue Steel Memorial Weekend Closed May 30 DJ May 31 Anniversary Party with the Veggies by Day 128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040 One day I'd like to defend a penguin in court just to say, "Your Honor, my client is clearly not a flight risk."

It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow, I'm dreading it.

Gimmie Submitted by Jimbo

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 $10 off for ANY Service with this Coupon!

Scooter

OUR TIRES

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

I Googled - "Missing medieval servant", it came up with "Page not found".

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

I came up with #1 in the top 10!

Rita Fournier 17 year veteran at Rolly’s Diner

Top 10 Reasons why You should eat at Rolly’s Today!

10. It’s a FUN place to go.

9. Our holiday decorations are the talk of the town.

8. Some of the BEST food in L/A. 7. The GREAT waitresses!

6. We are all like family.

5. Excellent portions - reasonable prices 4. Rolly is everyone’s Mum! 3. BEST crepes in town!

2. Ken was named chef of the year!

1. Everyone LOVES Ken!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

Caddying for the elderly beginner had required great patience.

He was a bit shaky but he was dogged and he had sworn to break 100 before the summer was out. In fact there was a bottle of malt riding on it - his faithful caddie would receive it when the magic score had been broken.

Then arrived a day when dogged persistence seemed about to pay off for both player and caddie. They were on the green at the eighteenth and only 97 strokes had been accounted for.

Player and caddie were excited and in the grip of such emotion it was a small wonder that the player sent his first putt racing three yards past the hole.

In a flash the caddie had dropped the flagstick, picked up the ball and was crying excitedly. "Well done, sir!

You've done it! You've done it! Anyone would give you that."

All Relative

87 Mill St. New Auburn

753-0171 Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Are hummingbirds just regular birds that don't know the words?

Wife: You hate my relatives!

Husband: No, I don’t!

In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine.

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Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

30% OFF

20% OFF

All Draft Beers

BURGERS

Every Monday in May

Every Monday in May

Live Entertainment Sat. May 3rd - Denny Breau Sat. May 17th - Jordan Kaulback

Mother’s Day GRILLING TIME! Get your steaks here for your own grill at home!

May 11th Bring Mom to Mac’s!

Now taking reservations!

Wine Dinner

June 3rd s s & Bruin e m a g x Red So y Cup quest Stanle TV’s in our 1 on our 1 sq. ft. bar area!

00 NEW 1,3

p a T n o s 16 Beer e Time!

LL th

uA Full Men

Social Hour 5:30 - 6:30 Dinner @ 6:30 Limited Seating Tickets on Sale Now! Call for details

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

macsgrill.com

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE QUALITY WORKMANSHIP, OUTSTANDING SERVICE.

BEST PRICES GUARANTEED!

NOW HIRING! Are YOU passionate about your profession?

Do YOU like making people feel good about themselves?

We’re looking to expand our team here at Cassiel’s Salon & Spa and we’re looking for people who take pride in their chosen profession. We have immediate openings for experienced:

SAVE $1,000! on any above ground pool See store for details

25% OFF

Cosmetologist

Schedule your inground or above ground pool now for immediate installation!

WOW! 25 lb. Buckets of 3” Chlorine Tabs only

$

99

Y NOBOD BEATS OUR S! PRICE

Schedule Your pool opening!

26 Year s Experie nce

POOLBB UILDERS OF AINE P OOL UILDERS OFMM AINE 1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com If a long dress is evening wear, can a suit of armor be called Silverware?

Nail Technician Massage Therapist Aesthetician

If YOU enjoy working in a team atmosphere and love continuing your education contact us today for more information.

71 East Ave., Lewiston

783-3321 cassiels.com

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Expecting

When your children are teenagers you should have a dog, so at least someone in the house is happy to see you.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

All in the Family

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149

s Alway g n i y u B

500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

Submitted by Jimbo

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither," he replied.

"It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

207-595-7774

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE!

20% - 75% OFF

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

If there's a storm going on outside, our cat scratches everything in its path...

When it rains it paws.

I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.

Getting Organized Starts Here!

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

An office chair, a filing cabinet or a desk, Drab to Fab happens HERE!

SEE THE PROS AT...

One Item or a Complete Office Redesign...

AFFORDABLE OFFICE SOLUTIONS

We Can Help!

Maine’s OFUSA Dealer

550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston (former Sherm Arnolds Flooring & Kitchen) www.cubiclesinmaine.com • 783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE

Hester Gilpatrick & Blackie We are very humbled by the generosity from all of you.

Thank you!

The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money...

He serves up a great burger and fries.

Off to the Market For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!

Daily Specials: Monday: Ham Italian ............................................................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ....................................................................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ...................................................................sm. $1.99 .................................................................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: BLT Bowl of (Chili $3.99) ...............................................................................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ..............................................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans ........................................................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: .........................................................................$2.00 off any large pizza

Jackie Labbe

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

“Try us once, you’ll be a regular!”

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus

375-8502

2 LARGE 1-TOPPING PIZZAS ONLY

$

16.99

A driver crashed her 4 x 4 whilst listening to Adele on the radio.

She was rolling in the jeep.

Jacqueline Carpenter & Karen Whalen Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, with people writing on walls and worshipping cats.

+

000

20,

Laurie Labbe

Conrad Labbe Everybody in the column stare at the people in the other column, first one to blink loses.

I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.

It’s true, I was Jimbo’s baseball coach when he was knee high to a grasshopper.

Linda Pearle Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Jon & Diane Lizotte My girlfriend drew a map of India then asked, "does Mumbai look big in this?"

I saw an inflatable ATM machine today, the screen said 'Please do not enter PIN.'

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

Baked Ziti

The Fergy

Meatball Subs

Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

Tom Pearle

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50 If you made a belt out of old watch straps, would it be a waist of time?

25 Years of Marriage Jeff & Alison were married on Saturday, April 15th, 1989.

Lexie Martin & Nana Pat Labbe How come we didn’t see Uncle Andy at this event?

Happy Anniversary!

Wishing you many more years of good health and happiness.

God bless you both.

– With much love, Your family Jeff & Alison (Williams) Newton If you worry that you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

Marc Andre & Jeanne Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

Call NOW for Reservations Mother’s Day Sunday, May 11th

t grea e r o f bl us Join reasona e! at tim food , all the s price

Frenchie Labbe People coming together for a great cause... AWESOME!

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Should there be health insurance that covers Retail Therapy?

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Nicki Labonne

Steve Bosse Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Hockey rules!

Anything else drools.

Ryan, George & Charlene Allen with Jackie Labbe

I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height...

They didn't like me critter sizing.

What anti-perspirant do pessimistic people use? Not Sure.

Half Carrot Submitted by Ron Hood

Willow Tree Primitives

Hand-Made Items • Custom-Made Furniture • Luminary Candles • Fabric Re-Upholstering Clubs • Willow Tree Angels • Lay-a-ways • Private Parties Punch Cards • Birthday Club • Senior Day • Monthly Drawing

COMING SOON!

pamper yourself in our new boutique room

754-8784

**We will be having a TENT SALE in JUNE** watch for details on our website and facebook page

850 Main St. Lewiston, ME 04240 Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm

www.willowtreeprimitiveshop.com

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

I’m texting my boss at Payroll Management to let him know I’m calling in well.

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergency at the hospital, and rushed away.

After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news.

The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."

"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Painless

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages “The Difference is in the Details”

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He’s not painless at all,” said the boy.

Call us for your FREE quote!

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

I just wrote a song about a tortilla, actually it's more of a wrap.

“He put his finger in my mouth, I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.

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Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe Just so happens that Summers are my favorite season.

I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people."

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

2 for 1

Monday Night Scrambles 5:00PM Shotgun Start - Every Monday Singles or full teams are accepted

Must present this coupon to receive

ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.

Tuesday Morning Senior League 8:00am tee time • 50+ • Call FMI

Mens & Womens Leagues Wednesdays & Thursdays • Call FMI

✃Expires 5.31.14

Memberships Many levels available!

Pat Summers

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com

Golfing truths: If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.

In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference.

Golfing truths: Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

Sue Goddard

BRAND NEW Mystic Spray Tanning Booth!

Heated for those co ld months!

Call for pricing

Come check out our NEW improved, larger location!

You’ll LOVE our new look!!

Electric Beach T A N N I N G Claudette Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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S A L O N

97 Center Street, Auburn (next to Pat’s Pizza)

783-9488

The 21st century, when apparently deleting history is more important than making it.

Chew First

I'm really into Grandfather clocks... BIG TIME!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

All About You Salon

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

41 Broad Street, Auburn • 784-5407

Make May Extra Special Create Your Own Experience

$

3 Services for only

99

✃ Visit us too at LADYPALOOZA with coupon

Saturday May 10th 11-3 • Grand Ballroom Hilton Garden

100% of the proceeds donated to:

Shopping, Spa Services & Snacks

Considering a NEW Used Vehicle?

Shop around, then go see the guys at Cyr’s. Keeping your current vehicle in tip top shape might make more financial sense.

Complete mechanical repair and body work done on premise!

Call for a FREE Quote!

Your Make & r look old ca ke run li NEW!

Want us to cater your next event? Food & Beverage . . . .We do it!

Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches? . . . . . . . . . . . .We got it!

Platters for 15 or 30 people? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .We do it!

Call us for other options and more info!

1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston•376-3870•ChickadeeLewiston.com

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly.

"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Hiccups

What’s Going on in MAY at the Chick!

You’re gonna love it!

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

Submitted by Thomas Hill

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500

of Lewiston

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up.

"What about it?"

OUR NEW MENU IS OUT!

New salads, New Primaver as & Stir-frys, New Apps & MORE!

My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.

“Why did you do that to me?” asked the boy.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”

“No, but my Mom out in the car still does!” – the boy replied.

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Shannon & Greg got Married!

I've just bought a mirrored clock, I think it's time to reflect on some things!

Shannon Wilson married Greg Webster 3.29.14 It was a beautiful day and a beautiful ceremony.

WICKED GOOD FOOD ON YOUR WAY TO THE CASINO! Fuel up with some wicked-tasty, home-style food before betting big!

Wall of Fame Inductees!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch daily!

“Home of the Double Yolker”

Doug Banks, Keith Wilcox, & Steve Parker of Naples, Casco, & Hebron

Liz Perreault Maid of Honor

Conquer a full-size omelette and have your picture added to our Wall of Fame!

Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

My new favorite band is Dog Whistle, you won't have heard them.

Jim’s Rent It Jim Hinxman

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

Car accidents, no problem!

We offer insurance-paid car rentals Julie Bray Wedding Officiant Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn I got covered in ketchup earlier today, from my head tomatoes.

Don't blame the photographer's, the Loch Ness monster really is blurry.

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

Don’t worry Papa & Nanny...

Uncle Andy grows on you after a while.

Hannah Labbe, Jackie Carpenter, Cat Haley & Madison

Papa, Cat Haley & Nanny

Aaron Pittman

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

Jayme & her little Buddy

Terminology Submitted by Thomas Hill

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS!” I Just saw an Apple store get robbed, police have detained me as an iWitness.

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Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe

I've got a make-shift job at a computer keyboard factory.

Live music by:

Special Guests:

To benefit the

Mike

5 Face North

SATURDAY, MAY 31ST 3:30 – CLOSE Legends Sports Bar & Grill 128 Center St, Auburn • 241-0051

$25 PER PERSON Tickets includes (non-refundable):

Mike Zubiac I made the trip from my college in Georgia to be here.

I wouldn’t have missed this!

Pulled Pork (all the fixins), 2 Drink Tickets, Souvenir Pint Glass & 10 Raffle Tickets Entertainment - Live music

PURCHASE TICKETS ONLINE AT: http://www2.mda.org/site/Calendar?id=102421&view=Detail For more info contact Chris Poremby at cporemby@comcast.net or 413-537-7686

~~~~~ TICKETS ALSO AVAILABLE AT LEGENDS ~~~~~

Help Dan Johnson celebrate 40 Years of making music at these May gigs:

Cat Haley Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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May 2: Carleton Club May 9: Mixers May 15: Legends May 16: Firehouse Grille May 23: Irish Twins May 30: New Auburn Social Club May 31: Legends MDA Benefit

Isn't it funny how we say that, 'noses run', and 'feet smell'.

Weatherman reacts angrily to being fired after so many cold gloomy forecasts, no more mist & ice guy.

Family Friendly Dentist ~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997

Out ’n About at the Benefit dinner for Blackie & Jackie Labbe Blackie’s Farm fresh produce is THE place to go for your veggies!

Accepting New Patients!

James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122

Tina Boulet Most Insurances Accepted

I was going to get a power-gate for my driveway entrance, but with gate power comes gate responsibility.

And they have 2 convenient locations. See page 42 to find out where they are.

Richard Boulet

CONGRATULATIONS Shannon & Greg Webster Married on March 29th, 2014 at The Sedgley Place in Greene

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most rarely have it.

"Your trouble is that you're not addressing the golf ball correctly."

"Yeah, well I've been polite to the bloody thing for long enough."

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My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles and his dog found it and brought it back!

Sounds a bit far fetched to me.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! Happy Hour 3-6pm daily 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar Daily Specials Wednesdays Open Mic Live Music on Friday & Saturday Nights

Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq. Attorney Kimberly Levesque is a sole practitioner along with John M. Whalen, Esq. at their offices located at 184 Webster Street in Lewiston. A New Auburn native, Attorney Levesque (formerly Kim Adler of Paul Street) focuses her practice on domestic relations, wills and powers of attorney, general civil litigation, personal injury, landlord/tenant matters, and courtappointed matters.

Ms. Levesque is the daughter of Mike Adler, owner of Adler’s Plumbing & Heating in Auburn and the wife of Marc Levesque, owner of Levesque Electrical, Inc., in Wales and a long line of relatives whom are self-employed in a variety of business settings.

Kim attended Auburn schools and was active in soccer, marching band, and track and field throughout her secondary school years. She graduated from Edward Little High School, CMMC School of Radiologic Technology, Central Maine Technical College, and the University of Southern Maine. She is a graduate of the University of Maine School of Law and brings 20+ years of experience in healthcare and healthcare management to her law practice.

She is self-reliant, dedicated and passionate about her work.

Though active in her children’s youth sports (hockey, soccer, lacrosse, and track/field), Ms. Levesque is also a co-leader of her daughter’s Girl Scout Troop.

Attorney Levesque can be reached at 786-0346.

Find them online at LewistonMaineLawyers.com and on Facebook.

See their ad on page 13.

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64 Lewiston Road, Gray 657-4714 • ColeFarms.com

Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event

$

Lunch for 3.99!

Monday - Friday 11am - 3pm Bar & Grille

Baked Haddock, Fried Haddock or HomeMade Chicken Tenders Served with one side:

Lunch, Dinner, Drink & Pool

Fresh Cut Fries, Homemade Grilled Potatoes lightly seasoned with garlic & butter, Homemade Baked Beans, Slaw, Pickled Beets or Veggie of the Day.

551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 777-1155 • Schemengees.com I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

I bought a Bonnie Tyler CD, It’s not great, it keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

SPECIAL PRICING FOR ALUMINUM

Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims

#1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators

Always paying the best prices!

Shannon & Greg got Married!

Shannon Wilson married Greg Webster 3.29.14

O T E N! M I T $H I CA

Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores Computer Board Scraps Brass • Alternators • Starters • Motors • Pumps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire

BATTERIES BATTERIES BATTERIES

Kevin Webster Best Man

Would you look at that!

Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler 15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn. Mon - Fri 8:00am - 4:30pm

615-7057 or 795-8887 Just watched a documentary on the uses of a pick axe. It was ground breaking stuff.

Greg Webster enjoys the centerfold of his favorite mag (probably not the mag you’re thinking of, but we don’t mind).

Golfing Truths: Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

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Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event

What’s with this idea of cow tipping? They can’t use the cash!

Donna, it’s tough coming up with something witty when you’re put on the spot.

Shannon Walton No worries, Shannon. That Jimbo guy might come up with something good...

Join us at our upcoming events:

Get MORE

May 8th, 9th & 10th Tent Sale

for your trade!

Pre-Owned Motorcycles Receive $200 Gift Card for fuel, food or down payment on any pre-owned purchase.

We have 150 preowned motorcycles

Donna Hall Golfing Truths: Curly, downhill, left-toright putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

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in-stock

READY TO RIDE!!

845 Main Street • Lewiston

(207) 689-2345

May 8th, 9th & 10th Polaris Open House on New Products

Sunday, May 4th MSF Permit Course$65

Saturday, May 31st MSF Permit Course $65

I got hit on the head by a clock yesterday, serves me right for winding it up.

Lately when I go out, some bird with long legs starts following me, I think I'm being Storked.

Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event

Ginger Leigh Smith sings Star Spangled Banner

Garrett Mason With the new iPhone having trouble understanding the Scottish accent, Apple has begun working on an 'Aye'phone.

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My friend hates the fact he can't get a girlfriend, even though he speaks two languages fluently: English and Klingon.

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Twisted Scissors 9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston

312-5478

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com

Mother’s Day Special All Month!

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR

Treat her to a Color Special!

Color Special $10 Coupon

Before

S A N I PLUS

No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

After

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices!

Buying Single Items or Entire Estates!

386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com

Past 2 Present Furniture

Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce

Open Year Round 908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 786-4356 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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dbretonsuperclean@yahoo.com

Construction Clean-Up & Office Cleaning Property Maintenance • Painting • Reconditioning Hardwood Floors • Floor Stripping • Waxing & Buffing Pressure Wash Cleaning • Hood Cleaning • Window Cleaning

212-7003 No Job Too Big or Small

Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it too.

Insured

Went to a shocking pub last night called 'The Fiddle', it was a vile inn.

Maine Chapter of the International Association of Arson Investigators

6th Annual Pierre “Pete” J. Simard Benefit Golf Tournament Sponsored by:

Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours

Garrett Chin Republic employee

Thursday June 12, 2014 8:30 tee time / shotgun start Poland Spring Country Club • Rte. 26 Poland Spring, ME

Sponsors We are looking for hole sponsors and donations.

We ask for your consideration in supporting this great cause.

Pat Higgins Republic employee

Benefits Maine Chapter of the International Association of Arson Investigators Annual Joseph C. Menezes Scholarship Program Assisting individuals continuing education in Fire Service Paramedic/EMT Service • Law Enforcement Fee: $65.00/pp / $260.00 per team of 4 Includes: Round of 18 holes with cart Morning registration includes coffee & snack Beverage cart will be provided on course Awards & Prizes will be presented during a post match buffet banquet (included with fee)

FMI Contact Steve Simard at 207-754-1815 Gary Simard at g157simard@roadrunner.com or Tim Allen at tallen@roadrunner.com

They say time is money, does that mean all ATMs are time machines?

Ellen Magee Ella’s Chocolates Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours

My friend’s horse will only leave the barn after dark, it's becoming a night mare.

It’s Red Sox vs. Yankees everyday at Republic. In our world the Sox win everyday!

Jeff Brocker & Erik Poulin Republic employees

We better text our names to Uncle Andy’s so they get the spelling right...

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At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

I had a steak last night that mooed at me, I thought, that's rare.

Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours I’m bank where I belong...

Sensational smiles are our business!

Preventative dentistry - cleanings and fillings

Alina Burke Bangor Savings Bank

Cosmetic dentistry - whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more New We accept most insurances Financing available

Patients

Always Welcome

Randy Pinky D’s

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES

27 MILLETT DR, AUBURN We accept Northeast Delta Dental, State of Maine & Cigna Insurances

784-1577

TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM I was chased by a guy throwing milk and cheese at me today... I thought, "how dairy".

Tina Willard Androscoggin Bank Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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The Pharmacy told me I should stop taking vitamins. "Why?" I asked.

"Because shoplifting is illegal," they said.

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION

May Day! May Day!

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

Dad’s gives you more for your returns!

Dad’s Redemption

Out ’n About at Patti Gagné’s Campaign Kick-off Event I have a pet bengal tiger... it’s true.

I’ll even have the picture to prove it!

The Ladies of Republic Jewelry

on all 5¢ returns with this coupon. (must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

✃

es v i r D Bottle me!

Welco

6¢

UAD expires 5.31.14

Republic

ROCKS!

Darcy, Wendy, Jane, Claire, Chrissy, Pat

THE 2ND AMENDMENT IS NOT ABOUT HUNTING Learn how to defend yourself and your family.

Watch our website & Facebook page for upcoming Advanced Pistol & Defensive Shotgun classes

NRA Certified Instruction

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced Rose Lamontagne & Duane Dumont Bartenders at the event Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Don Mailhot

rdtacticalhandgun.com

NRA - Law Enforcement

Roland Levasseur NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight

576-5131

LEGO Drum Kits. If you can't beat them, join them.

212-0608

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

"No thanks, I'm travelling light."

Great Idea for Mom! Get her a Gift Certificate to experience our Amazing Manicures & Pedicures!

Styli st wanted!

Happy Mother’s Day from all of us at Allure!

CND Vinylux

NEW!

a gel polish that dries quick w/ NO UV LIGHT

Huge Selection of Colors!

185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200

Like us on Facebook • AllureStudioLewiston.com

Call a h for yo ead prefer ur re time! d

Lisa

Kim

Friday – Sunday Surf & Turf (8oz sirloin) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99 Fried or Baked Scallops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99

Friday Fish & Chips . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

Monday & Tuesday 60¢ Wings & $3 - 25oz Domestic Drafts

782-2135 A place where family & friends gather for good food & cheer at great prices!

Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm Sun. 11am - 5pm

Wednesday

Thursday

3 Tacos . . . . . . . . . . .$4.99 Burritos, Taco Salad & More

Stuffed Peppers . . . .$5.99

Golf Funnies Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped!"

Well, I have never played this badly before!

I didn't realize you had played before, Sir. Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!

This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!

Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?

Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.

All Week: Lunches starting at $4.99

Come Get the Most Bark for Your Bucks!

Doggie Daycare $13/Day Boarding starting at $18/night

"That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.", said the player looking at a ball deep in the trees "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Discounts available for multiple doggies!

Family owned & operated. Owners live on premises!

Howling Hill Dog Boarding

Doggie Daycare Sp

113A Fish Hatchery Road, New Gloucester

272-7917

ots Available

Call NOW!

Find us on Facebook

Thought I'd bought tickets for The Cure, but they turned out to be just Placebo tickets.

Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball): "What sort of a ball was it?"

Caddie (butting in): "A brand new one - never been properly hit yet!"

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Since April 2014

Sincceh Mar 4 201

Jackson

Casey

Since February 2013

Loco

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area.

We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

Est. 2008

No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!! thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique Sammy

Pepper

Since March 2014

Samson

Since March 2014

FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS

$18 PER DAY!

Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640

Since March 2014

Got in a fight with a sea creature that I thought was my friend, turned out he was anemone.

Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours

Ron Bergeron played live music

Who ever has Uncle Andy’s pro rookie card will win $1,000,000.

Anybody?

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the comb I've had for nearly twenty years, I just can't part with it.

Dan Cunliffe

Owner of Republic Jewelry plays a game with attendees

Keli & Kathy of Schemengees, who catered the event.

I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal. It was a shitzu.

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"Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity." – Charles Mingus

Pamper Your Mother with one of our spa packages this Mother’s Day!

Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours

Mom Mini Makeover $

90 Classic Massage Haircut & Style bare Minerals Make-up Application Wes Haire

Classic Moms $

130 Classic Facial Classic Massage Classic Manicure & Pedicure

Mom of Peace $

European Facial 185 1 hour Massage Spa Manicure & Pedicure Luncheon Plate Served

Mom of the Year

Deb Haire

$

235 European Facial 1 hour Massage Spa Manicure & Pedicure Haircut & Style

What a fun business after hours event Republic put on!

bare Minerals Make-Up Application

Luncheon Plate Served

We carry

Hair Nails Massage Waxing

Electrology Customized Packages Facials Bridal Packages Manicures Permanent Make-up Pedicures

71 East Ave., Lewiston

783-3321 www.cassiels.com

Don't knock the weather: nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

Karen Shaw Androscoggin Bank Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours

When everything else fails – try the directions.

Andrew Marsh & Chrissy Ames Chrissy consults with Dr. Marsh

Flowers in May

This Mother’s Day, Shower Mom with Flowers

✿ Mother’s Day Doreen & Fran

✿ Memorial Day

✿ Graduations

United Way

Deborah

Ann’s 782-3457 Flowers

14 Millett Drive, Auburn

✿ Proms

Matt Shaw

Order Early!

HELP!!!

www.annsflower.com

For HIGH Oil Bills is HERE at Fireside Stove Shop!

NOW ON SALE: Wood, Gas & Pellet Stoves

Androscoggin Chamber

"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."

– Clyde Moore Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP 1220 Center St., Auburn • 784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with a concussion, I'm beginning to think my Hogwart’s acceptance letter was a hoax.

Out ’n About in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

I walked into a hotel today. A guy said "Are you here for the Twitter convention?"

I said "Yes." "Follow me." he said.

WWW .ANDROTITLE.COM

95 Main Street, Auburn 784-6413 or 1-800-639-7016

THANKS

PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING? Ask about our signature models!

While on their honeymoon, Shannon and Greg show natives in Punta Cana how Mainer’s do it (Read Uncle Andy’s we mean).

FOR

CALL FOR PRICING

G.A. DOWNING PICKING US UP!

782.4508 or 800.924.4500

Service Rental Sales

111 Woodman Hill Road, Minot www.gadowning.com

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

Believe it or not, we won this trip to the Dominican! Great timing and a great time!

Greg & Shannon Webster

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711 or 1-800-339-0414

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette • Joline Waite

Check out our new website:

www.CummingsAgency.com

on their honeymoon

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This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me, I said, "You wanna pizza me?"

Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

Parkfield Pulldown Kitchen faucet

Out ’n About at Republic Jewelry for Business After Hours

See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.

Partnering with Professionals

Jimbo Marston

784-5721

of Uncle Andy’s Digest doesn’t have much experience on this side of the camera.

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed. Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Tim Fox Branch Manager 514-1104 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Pat Bolduc Showroom Manager 514-1137 • pbolduc@redlon-johnson.com Bill Eccleston Showroom/Inside Sales 514-1136 • beccleston@redlon-johnson.com

My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!

Angela Lee Keller Williams

A fresh perspective for Lewiston!

Patti Gagne

What matters for Lewiston, What matters for Maine

Learn more at: PattiGagneforSenate.com Paid for and authorized by Patti Gagne for Senate, Pam Remieres-Morin, Treasurer

• Welfare Reform • Education • Tax Burden • Citizen Voices

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman. He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Stacy Cobb Northwestern Mutual Insurance Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with May 2014

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The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

Get her a Gift Certificate!

Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004

CAR WASH & DETAIL

She said she would love a hand car wash for Mother’s Day! Can’t get it done before Mother’s Day?

Your Mom called...

LIQUID SUNSHINE

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Visit us at our state of the art office at:

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com Golfing Quip: Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.