THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
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The Most Unusual Digest in America
PET & OWNER OF THE MONTH
FREE NOVEMBER 2011
We've been bringing Jesse to Doggone Fun Doggy Daycare for over a year now and our experience has been 100% positive. Bruce & Lisa's commitment to providing a safe, clean, comfortable place to leave our pet is amazing. Their refreshingly enthusiastic approach to caring for the dogs is reassuring and we always feel like they are treating Jesse as if she were one of their own. Two thumbs up!
Daycare & 24/7 Boarding Facility Dr. Todd Gauger, D.V.M. of Norway Veterinary Hospital and his dog, Jesse.
786-2794
Armandsab@aol.com
Oct. AD
528 Lincoln Street, Lewiston
www.DogGoneFunDoggyDayCare.com
Wonder Ball
"I'm a light eater - as soon as it's light, I start to eat." – Art Donovan
Submitted by Jimbo
Larry & Jon were approaching the first tee. Larry goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, “Hey Jon, why don't you try this ball?” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. “You can't lose it.”
Team O’Connell Check out the new technology on the new Sonic & Cruze models.
George O’Connell & his nephew, Patrick O’Connell
Jon replies, “What do you mean you can't lose it?!” Larry says, “I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it onto the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.” Obviously, Jon doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Jon says, “Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?” Larry replies, “I found it.” During the U.S. Civil War, telegraph wires were strung to follow and report on the action on the battlefield. But there was no telegraph office in the White House, so President Lincoln trekked across the street to the War Department to get the news. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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NOVEMBER 2011
783-7039
The new truck incentives are incredible!
Family Runs Deep
The Chevrolet Anniversary! Celebrating 100 years!! Come see us for your new or used Car or Truck Interest Rates are at their lowest! Incentives are at their highest!! You can find Team O’Connell at:
Emerson Chevrolet/Buick 946 Center Street in Auburn • EmersonChevy.com Call George or Patrick today at 784-3503 or 1-800-696-0766 "Vote for the man who promises the least. He will be the least disappointing." – Bernard Baruch
I believe that good things come to those who work. – Wilt Chamberlain
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA
NOVEMBER 2011 Saturday, Nov 5th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper 4pm – 6:30pm (Chapter 12749) 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston $5.50 Member $7 Guest Thursday, Nov 10th Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant 11:30am – 1pm (Chapter 10589) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $5 Member $5.50 Guest Sunday, Nov 13th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member $5 Guest Child / 10 free Tuesday, Nov 15th Center St Café 7am – 10am (Chapter 14346) 945 Center St. Auburn $4 Member $4.50 Guest Sunday, Nov 20th KC Turkey Dinner Noon (Chapter 12907) Our Lady of the Rosary Church Maxwell Gill Hall, Sabattus $6 Member $7 Guest Tuesday, Nov 22nd Yianni’s House of Pizza 11:30am - 1pm (Chapter 10929) 155 Main St, So. Paris $5 Member $6 Guest Sunday, Nov 27th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member $5 Guest Child / 10 free Wednesday, Nov 30th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 8609) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member $9 Guest
800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Please Note: Prices, Dates and Menu Are Subject To Change. If Additional Info Is Needed, Please Call Our Office, Please Do Not Call Restaurants. All Activities Can Only Be Attended At The Times Listed. ***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
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Uncle Andy’s Digest
9 out of 10 lightning strike victims survive!
MAILING ADDRESS:
PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:
editor@UncleAndys.com
Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS
PHONE: 207 FAX: 207
783-7039 777-3898
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!
www.UncleAndys.com
NOVEMBER 2011
Staff JIMBO The Way of the Guerrilla
Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted
Smile Again Dentures 801 Webster Street, Lewiston
TRAVIS
514-0660
The Mentor
UNCLE ANDY A Betting Man
www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Joe & Mike Adkins
MAGGIE Billing Gone Wild
In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined!
MARTY Still Golfing
ANGIE
I’ll pay you
The Student
CASH
Uncle Andy’s Digest
for your antiques!
is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
4
& Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011
783-7039
Auction Company
Antiques, House Attics, Basement Items, One Item or Entire Estates • Complete Cleanouts Available Sports Items, Guns, Military Items
State & Federally Licensed
Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.
DAN BOYD
Dan Boyd
998-4083 or 754-1009
Oak trees are struck by lightning more than any other tree.
The speed of a typical raindrop is 17 miles per hour.
HAVE YOU HEARD
? See page
20 -40 degrees Celsius is equal to -40 degrees Fahrenheit.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
5
The most pushups ever performed in one day was 46,001.
2-Fer Specials Available Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday
2 Fer $14.95
2 Fer $16.95
Chicken Cordon Bleu *Chicken Tenders *Clam Cakes Liver & Onions Roast Stuffed Turkey Virginia Baked Ham Steak Chopped Sirloin Steak **Manicotti w/ garlic bread
Village Inn Baked Scrod *Fish & Chips *Fried Maine Shrimp Baked Haddock Special Baked Stuffed Haddock
You may mix meal choices at the 2 Fer $16.95 price
**Shrimp Salad or **Chef Salad
w/ shrimp stuffing
Broiled Haddock Steak Tips
Outdoor Patio
w/onions (plain or teriyaki)
All meals served with choice of potato & vegetable with the following exceptions: *served with french fries & cole slaw • **served as is (no sides) All meals served with rolls & butter
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com A distillery was originally on the site of America's first mint, the Philadelphia mint, which opened in 1792.
We’re Thankful to be able to offer everyone in Maine a 6% savings on their electric bill! All Mainers now have the power to choose who supplies their electricity. We are a locally owned electricity supply company dedicated to offering a lower rate on your electric bill. You’ll still receive one bill each month, directly from CMP. The only difference is Electricity Maine will be listed as your electric supplier. Log on to our website or call us to switch right now! Start saving 6% immediately!!
FREE POWER! All customers will be entered to win a monthly drawing for free power. That’s right, we’ll pay your electricity bill!
MAKE THE SWITCH! Save 6% on your electricity
www.ElectricityME.com • 1-866-573-2674 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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NOVEMBER 2011
783-7039
The only radio station in the U.S. with call letters that spell out the name of its home city is WACO, Texas.
They're a perfect match. She has lots of cold cash and all of his assets are frozen.
Community Credit Union new hire
Andrew Lunn Community Credit Union is pleased to announce the hiring of Andrew Lunn as the new Accounting Supervisor. Lunn brings with him over 5 years of experience, previously working for Sabattus Regional Credit Union. With this new position, Lunn will be responsible for posting and balancing all daily general ledger transactions, reconciliation of Credit Union Member accounts and preparation of periodic financial reports. Lunn recently graduated from The University of Maine with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Administration in Finance with an additional major in Management. He looks forward to combining both his Credit Union experience and degree at Community Credit Union. Community Credit Union is a member-owned, full service financial institution that has been serving its members and the LA community since 1945. Community Credit Union has branches located at 144 Pine Street, Lewiston and 40 Stanley Street, Auburn. For more information, log onto www.communitycreditunion.com
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
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The Worm Catcher
Unison: An only male child.
Submitted by Jimbo
Robbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm acquiring abilities. Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wifeand-kids" excuses abounded. No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers. That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak! Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose. The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors
STRENGTHENING COMMUNITY The Auburn-Lewiston YMCA is a Charitable Organization dedicated to strengthening community. Come see what the Y has to offer and be a part of something special! TWIN CITIES SWIM TEAM Ages 5 & up
GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE
Join the team! Season runs until March, 2012
Give the gift of health.
MISSION STATEMENT The Auburn-Lewiston YMCA is a character building organization dedicated to strengthening Christian principles of caring, honesty, respect, and responsibility through programs that build a healthy spirit, mind, and body for everyone regardless of ability to pay.
FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE available for qualifying individuals and families. The YMCA is a non-profit 501c(3) charitable organization.
AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)
207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
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NOVEMBER 2011
783-7039
Sounds too low for human beings to hear are called infrasonic.
New Auburn Business District
L/A’s Newest Gun Shop
• Tactical Weapons • Rifles & Shotguns • Hand Guns • Personal & Concealed carry guns • Ammo & Targets
32 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-6569
• Special Orders
Tues - Fri 9am - 5pm • Sat 9am - 2pm
Turkey Raffle (gobble, gobble) Enter to win a Thanksgiving Basket! Call FMI.
Election of Officers November 15th at New Auburn Social Club. Doors open 10am - 7pm United New Auburn Association meeting Tuesday, Nov. 15th 5:30pm at Rolly’s Diner
all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning. Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head, and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm. The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"
Beverage Order Submitted by Jimbo
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Vote for Leroy Walker on November 8th
New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039
PLENTY OF SEAFOOD! • Fresh Haddock • Crab Meat • Sea Scallops • Maine Shrimp (while they last) • Lobster Meat
(continued from previous page)
If we were any • Seafood Chowder fresher, you’d • Lobster Stew (seasonal) have to slap us! • Fish Chowder
Try our great lunches & chowders to go, too! We ship anywhere in the US
Take-out Orders at Reasonable Prices
22 Mill St., New Auburn 782-3150 Open daily 9am-6pm
A tuna fish can swim 100 miles in a single day.
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
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Holiday
New Auburn Business District
Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
Craft Fair The RSU4 PTA is hosting its Holiday Craft Fair on Saturday, November 19, 2011 from 9-4 at Oak Hill Middle School, located at 40 Ballpark Rd in Sabattus. Admission is free! Holiday gifts, fresh wreaths, baked goods, door prizes, 50/50, and our famous "Pick Your Raffle". Lunch counter serving homemade soups, chowders, chile, fresh pies, and hotdogs. All proceeds support the students grades K-8 from Sabattus, Litchfield, and Wales.
• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu We eat here a few times a week... Best breakfast in L/A!
I can’t wait to get some teeth so I can find out for myself...
87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
(l to r) Jerrica Legee, Julyan & Dan Levasseur
A horse can sleep standing up.
NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A!
8 ft table rentals are $35, please contact Kim O'Connell at Walesmaine@aol.com or 577-0733 FMI.
Towels, Tissues & Dispensers
Looking Back "I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
10 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes
Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners
Chemicals & Cleaners
Breakroom & Food Service
Skin Care
Packaging
120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com A pip is one of the spots on dice, dominoes, or playing cards.
New Auburn Business District
New addition at Studio C Salon & Spa
Do some shopping for Christmas! Order now for 100’s of great stocking stuffers!
Sweatshirts for snowplow guys, hockey teams... any winter sport
WE’VE GOT YOU COVERED!
Sweats, Ladies’ Clothing, Tops & Bottoms
Screenprinting and Embroidery 85 Third St., Auburn • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com
Roller Skating = Family Fun Fall Schedule Thursday Night
Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm
Friday Night
Skate/Dance (teens) 7:30 - 9:30 - 10:30
Sat. & Sun.
1:30 - 4:00pm
Saturday Night
Family Night 7:30 - 10pm
Sunday Night
All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm
Reserve your Birthday Party NOW!
Find us on Facebook Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators
Kimberly Martin has joined the team at Studio C Salon as a Stylist & Nail Tech. Kimberly has been doing hair and nails for over a year now and is a graduate of Empire School of Beauty in Portland. Kimberly offers hair services such as cuts, colors, perms, foils, and she also offers nails, bridal & everyday makeup application. To make an appointment with Kimberly call Studio C Salon & Spa today at 782-3848.
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 • www.rollodrome.com
WOW!
Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...
Mens & Boys CUTS for
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
$
12
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts
Marcel’s Barber Shop
54 Mill Street, New Auburn
783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm
A warped sense of humor is vastly better than no sense of humor.
Houdini was born Erich Weiss. In the early 1900s while performing on the vaudeville circuit, Houdini worked with a couple named Keaton. Their young son Joseph was intrigued by Houdini's magic, and Houdini was quite taken with the boy. Houdini nicknamed him "Buster." The name stuck, explaining how Buster Keaton, the famous film comedian, got his name. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 11
Rain contains vitamin B12.
Large Italian Sausage Sub $ 4.79 Roadies #1 Chicken Breast Dinner $3.99 10” Fresh Dough Murray Special Pizza $9.25 (5 toppings)
Apples are 25% air.
Kitchen Art
CUSTOMER TESTIMONIAL "Excellent job by your technician. He also helped me evaluate our heating system with very good ideas. I really appreciated his extra efforts!" – Bill
Call today to experience Our FULL SERVICE Difference!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
12
& Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Real diamonds can be made from peanut butter!
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!
New addition at Studio C Salon & Spa
Marcie Buck has joined Studio C Salon & Spa. Mrs. Buck has been providing hair services to the L-A community for over 8 years at another location before coming to Studio C this past month. Marcie offers cuts, colors, perms, updos, cornrows, waxing and more. She looks forward to seeing all of her clients and also adding on new clientele as well. For your appointment with Marcie, call Studio C Salon & Spa Today at 782-3848.
PARTS • SALES • SERVICE We are the area’s newest distributor for Fisher Plows. We have a large selection of parts and entire plow assemblies. Whichever you decide, we are now under one roof and our service is second to none!
Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua is the only fresh water lake in the world that has sharks.
Zen Pizza Uncle Andy walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor and said, "Make me one with everything." When Uncle Andy got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. Uncle Andy said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 13
Wicked Illustrations Studio and Gallery
Holiday Grooming Get your pets looking their best for the upcoming holidays!
Murals Classes Art Parties
$ Call NOW & GET 10 OFF your grooming appointment when you mention this ad
Melanie Therrien 190 Riverside Drive, Auburn
PAWS IN MOTION GROOMING PawsInMotionGrooming.com
72 Marston Hill Rd., Auburn • 784-3676
wickedillustrations.com
Are you ready for a new you? Visit me at mindyfortin.bodybyvi.com and learn how you can lose weight, build lean muscle, gain energy... and how you can do it for FREE!
Witness
Gift Certificates Available!
576-3743
Support local business... Use our advertisers!
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate!
Submitted by Jimbo
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
SEE US FOR YOUR SNOWMOBILE LOAN • Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
14 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Jupiter's moon Ganymede, is larger than the planet Mercury!
The word taxi is spelled the same in English, German, French, Swedish, Spanish and Portuguese.
New addition at Studio C Salon & Spa
Mike Morin’s Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”
VOTED BEST OF THE BEST
It’s never too early to get your car ready for winter!
12 YEARS RUNNING
(Market Surveys of America)
$3,411 2002 FORD ESCAPE Front Wheel Drive • Automatic Excellent Condition!
OIL CHANGE
$21.95
Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)
1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon
Bluebirds cannot see the color blue.
REMOTE STARTERS Starting at
$
Terri Heathco is another new addition to the crew at Studio C Salon & Spa in Auburn. Mrs. Heathco is a Master Stylist with over 16 years of hair experience. She offers precision cuts, foiling techniques, razor cutting & color services. She looks forward to welcoming all of her current clients to the new salon and spa and is also accepting new clients. To make an appointment with Terri call Studio C Salon & Spa today at 782-3848.
STORAGE PROBLEM?
14999 installed
Lifetime Guarantee
Mountain View Storage
Many models to choose from
Sizes available: 5’x10’, 10’x10’, 10’x15’ & 10’x20’ 1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston 754-7873
Rt. 26, W. Paris (Just 4 miles north from Market Square) • 674-3212 or 333-9745
STEVE’S SAFETY SERVICES Onsite CPR/AED/First Aid Training Mobile classroom covering the State of Maine. Let us help you set up and emergency response plan in your place of business. Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery
Onsite Forklift Training This 4.5 Hour program is designed for individuals who regularly or occasionally operate powered industrial trucks. www.stevessafetyservices.com • 207-713-7211
A million dollars' worth of $100 bills weighs only 22 pounds!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 15
Wicked Illustrations Does Wicked Nice Work Why can’t I paint on the walls Mommy? Why indeed. Now, as an adult the scolding is over, Melanie Therrien, O/O Wicked Illustrations Studio and Gallery actually gets paid to paint all over walls. Paint is a fabulous
medium that Therrien as well as other artists at Wicked can use to transform anything from a room with a mural to a piece of furniture. There is a world of possibilities for what one can transform with paint. Paint doesn’t just transform things visually, we also believe in the therapeutic process of creation. We offer a variety of services to share our love of art such as art classes, art parties and workshops as well as a space for local artists to share and sell their work. Even though we love to paint we also play with other media as well and display everything from jewelry to decorative pieces in our gallery. Want an easy gift idea for the holidays? Purchase a gift certificate before December 15 and we’ll give you an additional one valued at $10. You can purchase over the phone with a credit card or come in and say hi! Happy Holidays! Wicked Illustrations is located at 190 Riverside Drive in Auburn. Or visit their website: WickedIllustrations.com
Male hospital patients fall out of bed twice as often as female hospital patients.
General Family & Cosmetic Dentistry
Eugene Kim, DDS
$
25 GAS CARD for every new patient (cleaning, exam & X-rays) Expires 11.30.11. Not valid with any other offers.
See their ad on page 14.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
16 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
The population of the Earth has more than doubled since 1950.
The life expectancy in 1900 was just 47 years.
Discover the next level of wellness in your life.
REVELATION MASSAGE MEMBERSHIP DISCOUNTS
Holiday Gift Certificates For each 1-Hour massage Gift Certificate you purchase for friends or family, you receive $10 in rewards for yourself. (Available Nov 18th thru Dec 25th)
Call or purchase online today www.revelationmassage.com
Online Booking
Hours: Mon.-Sat. 9am-9pm Sun. 12-4pm
Narrow Escape Responses Submitted by Jimbo
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution." The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
Online Gift Certificates
376-3233 www.revelationmassage.com Australia's Great Barrier Reef is 1,250 miles long!
600 Turner St. Auburn
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 17
Odds to Win
The Bible is the most-shoplifted book in the world.
Submitted by Jimbo
Jon, a food salesman, encountered his friend Larry at Patʼs Pizza midday while making a sales call. He stopped to chat. "I'm surprised to see you with a drink in your hand in the middle of the day. I hope you're celebrating," said Jon. "In a way," answered Larry. "I put all my money on a sure thing at the track. It was the seventh horse in the seventh race, today is the seventh day of the seventh month as well as my son's seventh birthday, the horse's name was Septus and the odds were seven to one."
Our 2011 donations have exceeded $25,000!
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394 “Feels Like Home!” • ONLY $10
Games Pay 50 + 100 Sunday @ 6:00 pm
AL I C E SP
Tuesday @ 6:30 pm
"And the horse came in first!?" exclaimed Jon. "No, he came in seventh!" cried Larry.
IAL C E P S
Ice Fishing Blues Travis: Boy, this ice fishing is a drag! I'm freezing, we haven't caught a thing all day, and those guys over there are hauling in one fish after another.
Monday @ 6:30 pm Half of $ goes to W.T.A.!
Wednesday @ 6:30 pm $2 added to W.T.A.! Thursday @ 6:30 pm
IAL C E P S
Friday @ 6:30 pm Half of $ goes to W.T.A.!
ALSO PLAYING HERE: LHS Music Saturdays @ 6:00
Uncle Andy: Oh, sure, it's not hard to catch fish if you cheat! Look, they cut a hole in the ice! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
18 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
The average housefly weighs 10 to 15 millionths of a pound.
Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe
There are around 200 corpses on Mount Everest.
Bakery &
❦ Cheese ❦ Fudge ❦ Pastries ❦ Breads ❦ Wine tastings & more
Over 500 labels of wine
r a l l e C e n i W
Search: Benoit’s Bakery We shi p apples!
Derek & Betty Laliberte Knights of Columbus Auburn Council #8742 (K of C Auburn)
This is a 4th degree event at a first class restaurant!
Everything you need in your pantry & fridge!
• Pick up your Holiday Pie order forms
Norm & Kay Gray (Norm is a State Officer for the Knights of Columbus)
• Many different kinds of pies • FREE GIFT WRAPPING with any fruit or gift basket purchase • Christmas Trees & Wreaths arriving November 26th 72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine • 353-7552
www.benoitsbakery.com They're a perfect match. She's a real bookworm and there's something fishy about him.
Knight of Columbus tattoo: "In service to One. In service of ALL." For more info on The Knights of Columbus or to find a council near you, go to www.KofC.org
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 19
Movie Sequels: "Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back"
GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad
Got Volvo Problems? Call Foreign Car Service today!
FOREIGN CAR SERVICE CO. 140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300 VolvoSpecialist.net • David Sheloske, Owner
Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!
Something
BIG is going to happen
for the whole family
Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall) DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.
(207) 782-5030
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Manhole: maintenance portal
Are you in the market to buy a new or used truck or car? Rainbow Federal Credit Union is here to help. Come in today to apply or apply online at
in
www.rainbowfcu.com
L/A... See page 55 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
20 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Federally insured by NCUA Main, Rainbow FCU Office 381-391 Main St. Lewiston 207-784-5453 Fax: 207-795-6238
Mechanic Falls Branch 1 Lewiston Street, McFalls 207-346-3001 Fax: 207-346-3012
South Paris Branch 172 Pine Street, So. Paris 207-743-5410 Fax: 207-743-9331
Auburn Office 20 Washington St., Auburn 207-883-0351 Fax: 207-786-0523
Movie Sequels: "Rocky 10: Rocky Fights Irregularity"
10% OFF with this ad
Complete Auto & Truck Repair • • • •
Front End Alignments Engine Diagnostics Custom Exhaust Tires, Batteries
• • • •
Transmission Flush State Inspections Complete Front End Work Tune-ups
35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039
Ron Moon, Manager
207-657-5000
Last Will and Testament A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her priest to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her priest she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the priest said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry www.soundeffectsmaine.com 777-3339 Parking in back of building
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Don’t Get Caught by Old Man Winter! GET YOUR VEHICLE WINTERIZED TODAY!! Winterization Service includes the following: • CHECK Battery & Charging System • CHECK Tire Condition & Pressures • CHECK Belts & Hoses • CHECK Steering & Suspension • CHECK Exhaust & Undercarriage • CHECK ph Balance & Freezing Point of Coolant • CHECK All Fluids (fill as needed) • FREE Oil Change*
*oil change is conventional oil only - up to 5 qts. - most vehicles
A $75.95 Value For ONLY
$
45
Must present ad at time of appointment to receive “Winter Special” pricing.
NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net
PARADISE SALON & SPA
Movie Sequels: "Police Academy IX: Beating A Dead Horse"
Receives 2011 Best of Auburn Award For the third consecutive year, PARADISE SALON & SPA has been selected for the 2011 Best of Auburn Award in the category by the U.S. Commerce Association (USCA). The USCA "Best of Local Business" Award Program recognizes outstanding local businesses throughout the country. Each year, the USCA identifies companies that they believe have achieved exceptional marketing success in their local community and business category. These are local companies that enhance the positive image of small business through service to their customers and community. Nationwide, only 1 in 120 (less than 1%) 2011 Award recipients qualified as Three-Time Award Winners. Various sources of information were gathered and analyzed to choose the winners in each category. The 2011 USCA Award Program focuses on quality, not quantity. Winners are determined based on the information gathered both internally by the USCA and data provided by third parties. About U.S. Commerce Association (USCA) U.S. Commerce Association (USCA) is a New York City based organization funded by local businesses operating in towns, large and small, across America. The purpose of USCA is to promote local business through public relations, marketing and advertising. The USCA was established to recognize the best of local businesses in their community. Our organization works exclusively with local business owners, trade groups, professional associations, chambers of commerce and other business advertising and marketing groups. Our mission is to be an advocate for small and medium size businesses and business entrepreneurs across America. SOURCE: U.S. Commerce Association
AL
BER
EM NOV
TION IS NA
See Paradise Salon’s ad on page 37. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
22 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Prisoner: client of the correctional system
Out ’n About at Sheila’s Hair Salon
Movie Sequels: "Home Alone 4: Under House Arrest"
Yvon’s Car Wash n’ Lube Tell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent you!
Tuesday: Seniors’ Day Wednesday: Ladies’ Day Thursday: Veterans’ Day Receive FREE
Automatic Car Wash
$
3 OFF
Basic Oil Change
$
5 OFF
This is what you call multi-tasking... I’m practicing my driving & getting a hair cut all at the same time! My grandpa, Tommy Ricker would be proud to see me in action.
Premium Oil Change
with Oil Change
698 Main Street • Lewiston • 777-3600
Limit one coupon per customer. Expires 11/30/11
(Between ROOPER’s and BURGER KING)
ted “The 2010 AAA Approved Repair Facility of the Year!” c e l Se With 100% Customer Satisfaction!! 3 Master ASE Technicians QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 Bob, Steve
CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all
& John
Tyler gets his hair cut by Angie at Sheilaʼs
HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420
Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com
I start Driver’s Ed next week. For now, I’ll have to wait for mom to cart me around...
ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM... Call us today!
NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $55/hr labor rate
Brad’s Precision Auto Brad Johnson
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 333-0364
Movie Sequels: "Weekend At Bernie's 3: Starting to Reek"
Macie waits for mom to take a Sunday drive Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 23
Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe If there are any Knights out there older than us, we want to meet them!
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a fellow playing golf with his boss!
COME RAKE IN A GREAT D
Robert & Claudette Morency K of C
Ronald &Rita Sabourin K of C
For great Sushi, Korean, Japanese & Thai food...Look no further
Ekachai & Thanchanok Jasmine Cafe Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
24 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001 • Joe Namath signed a $400,000 contract with the New York Jets in January 1965, becoming the richest rookie in pro football at the time.
Kickers score more points than anyone else in professional football.
EAL AT EMERSON TOYOTA!
Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe We're proud members of The Knights of Columbus, Auburn Council #8742.
Normand & Rita Beaucage of Auburn When you come to Jasmine Cafe you gotta try their Maki Rolls with Wasabi on the side.
Jeff & Becky Cote of Auburn The Duck is great here at Jasmine Cafe!
• TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001 George Blanda, who began his 26-year career in 1949 and ended it as a kicker in 1975, scored 2,002 points – more points than any other football player.
Amazing Spicy Pad Thai, too!
Justin & Michelle Good Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 25
Space Mountain Submitted by Jimbo
Soldier Field in Chicago is the oldest stadium still in use in the NFL.
2006 VW Jetta GLI
2005 Dodge Magnum
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice. The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year, I can read."
Sports Travis: The national sport in Spain is bullfighting and in England it's cricket. Uncle Andy: I'd rather play in England. Travis: Why do you say that? Uncle Andy: It's easier to fight crickets. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
26 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
$
$
10,995
10,495
Red, 6 Cyl., Turbo
HEMI, 98K, Dark Blue
2003 Mini Cooper
2004 Nissan Xterra
$
7,995
$
8,650
Loaded, 99K, Manual
4X4, Silver, 128K
Other Inventory 02 BMW 325 xi, 111K, Silver ..........................................$9495 01 BMW 330xi, 141K, 5-Speed.......................................$7995 98 BMW 7 Series, 133K, Navy Blue...............................$5995 03 Dodge Neon, 86K, Black .............................................$4795 03 Honda Element, AWD, Green......................................$7795 05 Hyundai Santa Fe, Auto, 6 cyl., 4x4, Navy Blue ....$7995 06 Nissan Altima, 91K.......................................................$9995 04 Pontiac Vibe GT, 6-Speed, Alloys, Loaded ...............$6995 04 Saab 95, 97K, Turbo, Silver ........................................$7495 04 Saab 9-5, 250HP, Pewter, 111K ................................$7495 03 Saab 9-5, Brown, 102K ...............................................$6995 01 Saab 93 S-E, 117K, Pearl White ................................$4995 01 Saab 95, 119K, Pewter................................................$4995 00 Saab 93, Black, 111k, Manual ...................................$4295 05 VW Jetta Wagon, 134k, Auto .....................................$5995 04 VW Jetta GLS, Silver, 6 cyl., Turbo, 5-Speed ...........$7295 04 VW Jetta, 1.8 Turbo, Black, 100K..............................$7495 04 VW Passat, 1.8 Turbo, Silver, 107K ..........................$6995 04 VW Passat, 1.8 Turbo, Light Blue, 100K..................$6995 03 VW Passat, Aqua, 92K .................................................$8495 02 VW Passat, 86K, Silver................................................$6995 02 VW Passat Wagon, 92K, 1.8L, Green........................$5295 02 VW Jetta, 92K, Green...................................................$5995
01 VW Jetta, Turbo, Red. 121K .......................................$5495 01 VW Jetta, 1.8 Turbo, Blue, 93K ...............CALL FOR PRICE 01 VW Jetta, 132K, Green ................................................$5295 01 VW Jetta, VR6, 121K ...................................................$5495 01 VW Passat GLX, 2.8 V6, 102K, Manual ...................$5995 99 Volvo S70 T5, Turbo, Auto, Roof, Silver ...................$4495
07 Polaris Sportsman X2 800, Blue, 2000K.................$5195 06 Arctic Cat F7 EFI, 2131K..............................................$4495 8’ Boss plow for Ford.........................................................$2995 26” Lexani wheels...............................................................$1995 20” Chip Foos wheels, fit Audi or Mercedes..................$1995
INDEPENDENTAuto
1298 Sabattus St. Lewiston www.independentauto.me
786-7744
The NFL granted the Cleveland Rams a franchise in Los Angeles in 1946.
Winter’s Coming... Can’t start your car? We will. Call us anytime.
784-4619
Call us if you are broken down. We now offer Roadside Assistance, such as tire changes and lockouts. We carry 60 new Interstate batteries, air compressor, and tools to fix small problems.
24/7 WRECKER SERVICE
Perfect Shot Submitted by Jimbo
A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."
We’ve updated our fleet to better serve you!
DON’S NO PREFERENCE TOWING CO. Ask for Don or Debbie for all your towing needs
940 Washington St. • Auburn • 784-4619 You know you're getting old when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
WINTER IS FAST APPROACHING We are a professional collision repair and painting facility. All work is guaranteed! Free estimates
COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING 1111 Center Street, Auburn 782-6515
Fish Tales Travis: "I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!" Uncle Andy: "That's nothing. I was fishing and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!" Travis: "If you blow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin!" One of the greatest mysteries of life is how that idiot who married your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world.
Tasha Pelletier, Model
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 27
Award Winner
I can't get enough minimalism.
Dan Guerin & Maureen Aube Dan Guerin, president at Maine Oxy receiving an award on Maine Oxy's behalf from the ESGR for: Maine Employers Supporting the Troops. The presenter was Maureen Aube from the ESGR organization. Maureen is also the Operations Manager for the Androscoggin Chamber of Commerce.
Cans for a Cure! With Q97.9 running the Cans for a Cure event, we/they collected over 500,000 bottles and cans! Thank you for all your donations!!
To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website
Marie Beaulieu from the Fontaine Family Team, The Real Estate Leader stopped by the corporate offices of Uncle Andyʼs Digest to pick up their bottles and cans for their “Cans for a Cure” campaign. Marie couldnʼt escape Jimbo without getting her picture taken! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
28 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." – Walter Elliott
$
$
12,500
10,800
$
11,500
2004 Ford F250 Superduty
2003 Chevy 2500HD
2005 Chevy 1 ton Dually
127K, 4X4, 8’ Plow, Maroon/Silver
6.0 Auto, 116K, 4X4, Loaded,
With Dump, 2WD, White
$
15,500
8’ Minute Mount Plow, Forest Green
$
$
5,995
7,995
2006 Chevy 2500
2005 Ford Freestar
2003 Chevy Trailblazer
Reg. Cab, 95K, Red
109K, Loaded, DVD Player, Maroon
3rd Seat, Black, New Tires
2002 Chevy Suburban LT, White, 127K . . . . . . . . . .$8,995 2000 Chevy 6500 Car Carrier, 6-Speed, Diesel . . . .$17,995
We’re getting new vehicles all the time Stop in, call or visit us online!
Don’t be a turkey! Check out my dad’s vehicles before you decide to buy. Lots of plow trucks and other great choices, too. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours!
M & P AUTO SALES Roosevelt Trail, North Windham Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867
www.MandPautosales.com I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.
Katie Rioux Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 29
Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
• Hair • Massage • Facials • Manicures • Pedicures • Nails • Waxing
We look so good at 50 years old that we don't want to make people jealous by showing off to the camera
(front) David & Chris Adler; (back) Jeff Albert
Spa Packages & Gift Certificates Available
Back row, l to r: Tiffany, LMT; Nichole, Stylist; Carla, Owner/Stylist; Christine, Owner/Stylist; Alicia, Stylist; Kimberly, Stylist & Nail Tech. Front: Terri & Marcie, Stylists
Happy Thanksgiving! 20 Union St., Auburn
782-3848 www.StudioCSalonNSpa.com I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip. My dad is the best Sushi Chef around, come try for yourself!
Supannee (Owner of Jasmine Cafe) & Samer (Dad) Jasmine Cafe did a great job hosting our large group, call them to host yours!
Don Bouchard, K of C General Agent for the State of Maine & Neil Marchessault K of C Auburn Council Grand Knight Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
30 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
BUSINESS SPOTLIGHT Q: James, how long have you worked for Mainely Action Sports? A: 14 Years full time. Q: How long has the business existed? A: 27 years. Q: How do you feel about the new casino opening up less than a mile from your business? A: We’re excited for jobs, excited for the prospect the state will be known for recreation; to draw in more people, more jobs, better for all businesses around; less tax burdens, more local spending.
Q: What do you sell for products? A: Polaris snowmobiles, ATV’s, Rangers, Victory Motorcycles and Lehman Trikes. We are one of the larger recreational dealers in the state. We are fortunate enough to be a Polaris dealer because this company is stepping on the gas with new products, service and pricing. Polaris is the largest off road recreational vehicle manufacturer. We are proud Polaris has the largest market penetration in this region. The northeast is #1. Personal Story: James has been married to his wife, Jamie, for four years. They have two dogs - a golden retriever and a Chihuahua. They own a home in Naples. Jim’s hobbies include riding his ATV Ranger; riding his Victory Vision; and also enjoys radio controlled cars. Come on by our store try out a great product and know our service is second to none. Maine-ly Action Sports is located at 596 Main Street in Oxford. See their ad on page 38.
James Bowden, owner
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!
Marriage Names
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
Bolster Monumental Works
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
Monuments & Markers Cemetery Lettering & Cleaning Since 1877
1278 Main Street, Oxford • 743-2673
If Bo Derek married Don Ho. She'd be Bo Ho.
David J. Pratt
If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
Over 30 years experience
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to many Elton John, she'd be 0livia NewtonJohn Newton John.
You Name It, We’ll Frame It! Our Affordable, Everyday Pricing 8x10 .....................$10 16x20 ...................$20 20x24 ...................$30 24x36 ...................$40
Custom picture framing you’ll treasure forever
From sports memorabilia to artwork to family photos & so much more!
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
Call for more info
Expert Custom Framing & Quality Personal Service!
23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 www.DandRFraming.com
Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.
RS DOO N AT OPE PM 3:00
Dan Williams, owner
KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
MORE GAMES
• MORE PRIZES • MORE
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
RY EVE AY ESD N D WE PM 6:30
WINNERS
Up to 48 Cards for $10 Sealed Tickets • W.T.A. • 50/50 Prizes Canteen • Friendly Staff
s Caring i ess! our busin
150 East Ave., Lewiston • 782-9265 Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 31
Van Beckman
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP • OWNER BILL ROY 828 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME • 795-6666 / Fax: 795-8983
We now do: State Inspections • Minor Repairs Plus Oil & Fluid Changes at Great Prices!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
32 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
5
$
10
$
Change OFF Oil 5 Quarts, Full Service with Mobil Oil & Filter Made in USA Most cars. Cannot be combined with any other coupon or discount. Expires 11/30/2011
Mon.-Fri. 8am-6pm • Sat. 8am-3pm
Any Fluid OFF Exchange Most cars. Cannot be combined with any other coupon or discount. Expires 11/30/2011
Mon.-Fri. 8am-6pm • Sat. 8am-3pm
Dick Leavitt & Brad Sloat
Looks like we’re in for a long snap of cold winter weather...
at a recent Lewiston H.S. football game
Ho, Ho, Ho-ly cow, winter is coming fast!
Dick is a former NFL football player, long snapper for the NY Giants. He is also a member of the AuburnLewiston Sports Hall of Fame
You can find Brad at Photo Finish in the Auburn Mall. He is also one of Santa’s little helpers.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems
OUR TIRES
#
Buy 2 NEW Tires A $24 Value!
and receive a
FREE Oil Change*
Expires 11.30.11
Healthy Androscoggin recently welcomed Van Beckman to their team to help coordinate implementation of their new Let’s Go! Androscoggin initiative. A native of western Massachusetts, Van earned his Bachelor of Arts degree from Hampshire College in 2006. “It brings me great joy to become both part of the Healthy Androscoggin team and a new resident of Androscoggin County. I’m thrilled about getting to know this community better and helping bring the amazing Let’s Go! program to Androscoggin County in full force,” said Van. Let’s Go! is a communitybased initiative, started in the Portland area, to promote healthy lifestyle choices for children, youth and families. As a nationally recognized childhood obesity prevention program, its goal is to increase physical activity and healthy eating for children from birth to age 18. The message of Let’s Go! is “5-2-1-0 Every Day,” which means 5 fruits and vegetables per day, 2 hours or less of recreational screen time, 1 hour or more of physical activity, and 0 sugary drinks. Let’s Go! Androscoggin will be bringing the Let’s Go! model to schools, child cares, after school programs, and health care providers through community-wide partnerships across Androscoggin County. These efforts are sponsored in part by United Way of Androscoggin County. To find out more about Let’s Go! Androscoggin, contact Van Beckman by calling 330-7882 or email: vanbecna@cmhc.org. To find out more about the Let’s Go! program visit www.letsgo.org.
Labor Rate $48/hr
*5 quarts max, non-synthetic - must have coupon to qualify.
60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210
782-6666 or 783-2026
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
We only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid. So stop. Try something youʼve never tried. Teach it. Do it. Risk it. – Jon Blais
THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm
Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm
FRIDAYS
SATURDAYS
LADIES Night Drink Specials
DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!
DJ & Live Local Entertainment
ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP
FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !
Fri. Nov. 4th Battle of the Bands 2nd Show: Phalse Prophecy Sat. Nov. 5th Mechanical Bull & Dog Pile Fri. Nov. 11th Battle of the Bands 3rd Show: Prospect Hill, Hollow Glow, Era for a Moment, Burning Tomorrow Sat. Nov. 12th Back in Black, AC/DC Tribute Band Fri. Nov. 18th Brand New Mixture featuring Action Man from Jamaica & Peaks Island Fame Sat. Nov. 19th Jackfest II, 10am-1am See below FMI Wed. Nov. 23rd & Thurs. Nov. 24th OPEN for Thanksgiving Eve & Thanksgiving! Fri. Nov. 25th Josh Harps SAVE THE DATE! Sat. Nov. 26th Strict9 Fri. Dec. 2nd Blue Khakis Wed. Nov. 30th Bernie Show Sat. Dec. 3rd Mechanical Bull
Sat. Nov. 19th
10am - 1am
JACKFEST II
& Rockin’ Road Runners Sat. Dec. 10th Tickle
Over 23 Bands
Uncle Jack LOKI, Sidecar Radio & More
including
Jäeger Girls 10pm-12am
Call Club Texas to pre-buy your tickets
Daniel’s Photography will be in the house!
150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info
Out ’n About with a few of our great Firefighters at the 9-11 Memorial They hold a card with a name of a first responder who lost their life on 9-11
I was more nervous than a ceiling fan store owner with a comb-over.
TOP $$ PAID! Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler
Automobile Batteries • Alloy Rims lternators Catalytic Converters • Starters/A Scraps Motors • Pumps • Computer Board Wire, Copper, Brass, Aluminum, Insulated issions. Electric Motors, Radiators, Transm
Carolyn & Clayton Skillin
Cindi Skillin & Marty McBrine
Always paying the best prices!
Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.
15 Pierce Street, Auburn
Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm
615-7057 or 795-8887
Mike & Jen Laliberte Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
34 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
ALL MONTH LONG!
Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe Come to Jasmine Cafe next to Flagship Cinemas in Auburn, off Center Street and we'll be happy to serve you some of the finest Asian Cuisine in L-A!
Roxanne & Koong servers at Jasmineʼs Cafe
New PLOWS have arrived and are ready to go!
Mmmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm!
Larry Grondin Translation: This was our first time eating at Jasmine’s, the Fried Dumpling was great and we look forward to coming back soon to try some other dishes, too.
Brenda Grondin Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 35
Out ’n About at Hair by Gregory’s Streak for Cancer event
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
KARAOKE/LADIES NIGHT
Every Wednesday! 1/2 price appetizers Ladies: buy 1 get 1 half-price drinks
Wed. Nov. 23rd
Pre-Thanksgiving
Bash
WE CATER YOUR PARTIES
Football Parties • Company Parties Private Functions • Holiday Parties & More
in-house or of f premises
DON’T FORGET... Live Entertainment Every Thursday thru Saturday Every Friday 5-7pm w/purchase of Awesome Daily any alcoholic FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS FREE Munchie Buffet beverage
Oh yeah, that’s the spot...
Kimberly Fournier-Jacques LMT & owner of Revelations Massage
Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close
743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) I love my new Hair Streaks! Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Now offering
Niki Ask about Feather & Tinsel Extensions
Back row, l to r: Linda, Kathy, Michael & Tina. Front row, l to r: Kelly (owner), Terry, Nuria & Cory
Joshua Elliot, chellist & Mary Murphy, keyboard & vocalist set the mood
600 Center Street • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 786-0112
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
& Jimbo
36 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath.
LOCAL • LOCAL • LOCAL Support Local Business the e of m o H . U.F.O
Shop Local
Out ’n About at Hair by Gregory’s Streak for Cancer event
Keep $$ Local
SPEND $20 on LUNCH or DINNER
& Get DESSERT FREE!* Come in out of the cold into our Stress Free Zone!
*Dessert is 4 pastries in small container. Kind and size of pastry an vary.
GEORGIO’S
740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm • www.mygeorgios.com
Locally owned & operated
Joshua Elliot & Mary Murphy Musicians for the event
8th Annual
OPEN HOUSE
Saturday, Nov. 12th 9am - 4pm
NEW BEAUTIFUL LOCATION 245 Center Street, Suite 7, Auburn
Same friendly faces Same great services
777-3939
www.ParadiseSalonSpa.com
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT?
Kathy “streaks” Tammy Bellefleur If you’re a woman and you have skin, we should talk!
Bet you haven’t done this... June 17, 2012 • Maine Ladies Danube River Cruise October 10, 2012 • Central Europe Pub Tour & River Cruise
Savings of up to $750 per cabin! Space is limited and these popular river cruises sell out fast. reserve your spot before November 30
Celebrate the beauty and history of the Danube, Europe’s second largest river, as you cruise from exotic Budapest. Continue to centuries-old towns and marvel at the beautiful riverside vistas unfolding around you. Enter Austria, visit magnificent Vienna and cruise through the lush Wachau wine region. Cross the Continental Divide and end your voyage in Nuremberg, Germany. Optional post-stay in historic Prague, “the city of a hundred spires.”
For more information, contact:
jane@dragonflytrips.com 1-888-222-6846
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Tina Dowd of Hair by Gregory's & Joy Hays of Mary Kay Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 37
Out ’n About at Hair by Gregory’s Streak for Cancer event
If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
(back) Michael & Terry; (front) Nuria all from Hair by Gregoryʼs
Nuria's feathered hair If streaks & tinseling aren't your thing, come see us for the latest rage, Feather Extensions
I prefer tinseling! Hair mostly, but trees are ok, too...
www.maine-lyaction.com
Michael of Hair by Gregory's Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
38 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
All the Cool Kids do it
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS All breakfast specials include coffee
Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!
MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast .........$3.75 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.................$3.75 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes...................$3.75 THURSDAY: French Toast.............................................$3.75 FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette.........................................$3.75
5 Washington Street, Auburn
783-4304
SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage............$3.75 SUNDAY: French Crepes...............................................$3.75
Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
Expires 11.30.11
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
KITCHEN ART
STILL MARCHING TO THE SAME BEAT
Jon
of $500 or more
Any Purchase
!
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Actor: metamorphosing being, possessing great wealth
Scott
1 OFF
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
1 coupon per order
Prices do not include tax.
Our grandfather is the best drum teacher around!
$
Alex
Now Accepting 25 Mary St., Lewiston New Students
786-6861
GIVE THE GIFT OF MUSIC! We also sell and service all types of instruments Offering lessons in: • Guitar
Gift Certificates Available! Authorized Service Center
• Piano • Banjo • Music theory
• Voice • Violin
• Bass • Mandolin • Brass & Woodwinds
Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair
376-3376 The trouble with life is there's no background music. (Which is why we go to Main Street Music)
134 Main Street, Auburn www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 39
Out ’n About with a few of our great Firefighters at the 9-11 Memorial
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
(back) Cindi Skillin, Carolyn Skillin, Kathy Buckingham & Jen Laliberte; (front) Bridget Cailler When a man becomes a fireman his greatest act of bravery has been accomplished. What he does after that is all in the line of work. ~ Edward F. Croker
Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities
Do not neglect your Septic System
Service Rental Sales
For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500
Nate Maillet, Troy Cailler & Mike Laliberte
We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.
SAVE VALUABLE TIME! Whether you’re a one-person company or a several hundred-person company, time is an issue. We guarantee you will save time by reducing the hours spent producing payroll information and preparing payroll registers, quarterly, and year to date payroll reports.
PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.
(back) Clayton Skillin, Marty McBrine, Bob Cailler, Mike Laliberte, Scott Milburn & Mike Buckingham (front) Nate Maillet, Troy Cailler & Tyler Arsenault Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
40 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Locally owned & operated
We’re Celebrating Our 4th Anniversary! Drawings & Giveaways All Month Long!
Out ’n About with a few of our great Firefighters at the 9-11 Memorial They hold a card with a name of a first responder who lost their life on 9-11
ENTER OUR DRAWING TO WIN November Special
FREE PARTY PLATTER or LOST VALLEY TICKETS
$
1 OFF
Coney Island Reuben
600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Fridayʼs)
784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com
includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or chips
Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm Sun. 10am-8pm
Sewing Machine Sales
• New & Used Machines • Trade-ins Welcome • Fabrics, Notions & Accessories
UNLIMITED GUIDE CLASSES with any new machine
Mike & Kathy Buckingham
Beginner to Advanced Embroidery, Quilting & Sewing Classes
336 Center St. • Auburn 782-5922
ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY
SHARE OUR PASSION
Roger & Linda Landry
AMES SPORT SHOP 84 Littlefield Road Auburn
782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road) All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Or maybe in Uncle Andyʼs Digest?
Troy, Bridget & Bob Cailler Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 41
NEXT Level Business Coaching Go Home On Time – Sleep Well At Night
What is business coaching? Call 207-376-3239 for a confidential 90 minute consultation on any two business issues you are facing – no charge. Guaranteed to provide you with strategies you can put to use right away.
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
We can handle your Company, Large Group & Holiday Parties • Appetizers, Finger Foods Up to • Social Hours 100 people • Custom Menu Options • Buffet Style Options • Full Bar Call now for pricing & availability Minimum 2 days advance notice required
Out ’n About at Hair by Gregory’s Streak for Cancer event It was a very rewarding experience to give back and help support the National Breast Cancer Foundation, with Streak for Cancer.
Japanese • Korean Thai • Sushi
730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza,
Linda & Chantel
NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA
376-4855
www.jasminecafemaine.com
Mention this ad and receive a
FREE SWEATSHIRT!
Kelly Freve
• Collision Repair • Rust Repair • General Body Work
gets tinseled "streaked"
320-2125 1887 Federal Road • Livermore, Maine
FREE TOWING with all collision work You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 43
Out ’n About at Hair by Gregory’s Streak for Cancer event
Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?
I really enjoyed helping out and supporting this cause, and these streaks are gonna look great, too!
Tammy Couturier You know, working for Uncle Andy's isn't as easy as it looks...
Travis of Uncle Andyʼs Digest hard at work as usual
Taylor-Paige Harrison of Streak for Cancer &
Kelly Soracco Owner of Hair by Gregorys Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
44 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
Me and my recliner - we go WAY back.
Game Changer Walter Camp, more than any other person, was responsible for transforming the U.S. game of football into a unique contest, different from its soccer and rugby roots. For these contributions, he was called "The Father of American Football." From 1876 to 1871, Camp starred as a rugby runner and kicker at Yale, and represented Yale at the intercollegiate football conventions. Camp championed the following rules: reduction of players per side from 15 to 11 men (1879); creation of the scrimmage in which one team holds undisputed possession of the ball (1880); the system in which a team must gain a specified number of yards within a specified number of downs to retain possession (1882); and the point system of scoring (1883).
New Restaurant Chain Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar." Jimbo to Uncle Andy: If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 45
Kitchen Art
Happy Thanksgiving
Don’t be a turkey. This holiday season is a great time to get or give a salt water tank!
Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies •
272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Since 1953
www.LuiggisPizzeria.com
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99 MONDAY The Fergy
TUESDAY Meatball Subs
WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners
sm. $2.50/lg. $5.00
sm. $3.20/lg. $6.00
1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink $4.50
THURSDAY Mini Pizza
FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians
1 Top $2.60/2 Top $3.30 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
46 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
with 1.5 Liter Drink $5.99
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
Earn
10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon!
We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods. And definitely worth the trip!
Out ’n About with a few of our great Firefighters at the 9-11 Memorial
Expires 11.30.11
Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm
Troy Cailler & Tyler Arsenault
Richard Conway, owner
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame Inductee
I said bring it. They did. Victory was mine!
Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm
Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!
Alex Libby of Minot
Home of the Double Yolker
Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere
Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Maxed Out Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside. "I can't do it," he said. His companion begged him to climb the mountain with them. But he refused to move. "I'm against mountain climbing," he said. Now they call him "Anti-climb Max." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 47
Preppy or what?
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
ood Products W e n i F & Stove Sales
Submitted by Jimbo
A guy was visiting Oxford University for the first time. He stopped a passing Oxford don and asked, "Excuse me, can you tell me if that's Trinity College I'm looking at?"
224-7239
10% Tax Credit
2742 Auburn Rd. Turner, ME 04282
ends Dec. 31st
(1 mile north of intersection of Rt. 4 and 219
The don sneered, "You are probably unaware that you have just ended your sentence with a preposition. You may wish to rephrase your question."
Pellet Stoves Wood Stoves Gas Stoves
• Pine Furniture • Machined Wood Parts • Boxes & Crates • Store Displays
Stove Service & Installation Wholesale Pricing to Retailers buying in volume Custom Production Wood Work
Take a short drive down Route 4 and SAVE BIG $$$
The guy thought for a moment and said, "Can you tell me if that's Trinity College I'm looking at, YOU JERK!"
www.finewoodproducts.net robm@finewoodproducts.net Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Happy Thankallsgofivuins!g from
New collection of FEATHERS now available at Kutters Korner!
Over 30 years experience
Ann Dumais
Kelly Giambra
Sue Poulin
Kim Galgovitch
We’ve remodeled! Come see our new look & freshen up yours!!
A full service
Salon
Lisa Olmstead
Pauline Guimond
Lysa Ronan
Valerie Kelshaw
Jacinta Labbe
Pedicures • Manicures • Waxing Eyelash Tinting Colors • Cuts • Foils Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm
14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A, Highland Spring Road, Lewiston • 786-4311 Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
48 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
BACKGROUND CHECKS Pre-Employment Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History
$45.00 includes:
577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com
Healthy Androscoggin gathered for their 11th annual Get Fit & Win Final Celebration at the Lewiston Middle School Auditorium recently. Around 150 participants attended with hopes of winning great prizes and to celebrate their dedication to increasing their physical activity. As part of the ten-week program, participants were asked to set goals to increase their number of minutes and/or the intensity level of their chosen activities. This year’s participants included seasoned exercisers and those just started out from all over the region. They chose varying forms of exercise and kept an activity log to hold themselves accountable to their goal over the course of the program. Many told of the positive impacts adding exercise into their week has made on their overall health and happiness. The winners of this year’s cash prizes included $250 to Claire Sabine of Greene; $250 to Elaine Verrill from Minot; and $100 winners Albert Galipeau and Andre Langlois, both from Lewiston. Many other program participants won terrific prizes donated by local businesses including a one month membership to St. Mary’s Health Steps, a free haircut and style from the Cassiel’s Day Spa, and a tune up from Rainbow Bicycle and Fitness. Other prizes were donated by area businesses including Sam’s Italian Sandwich Shop, Shaw’s Supermarkets, Walmart, LLBean and Team Beach Body, among others. The coalition has four main community goals that include: supporting tobacco free lifestyles, increasing physical activity, promoting healthy eating, and preventing substance abuse. For more information about Healthy Androscoggin, visit www.healthyandroscoggin.org.
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Tall: vertically gifted: altitudinally endowed
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
• SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal History • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list
Tenant Screening State and National Criminal History
$49.99 includes: • SSN verification/Address verification • InstaNational criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list • Trans Union Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states)
A La Carte Pricing National & Federal Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ..............................$18.99 SSN Address Verification...............................................2.75 Employment Credit report.............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score......................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check ............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history ...............................9.00
Personal and professional reference checks............$10.00 Education verification..................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification....................................10.00 Professional License verifications ..............................10.00 Single state Eviction check ............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ..............................................11.00
Other verification and Private Investigator services are available. All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability. Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations. Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.
MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator
&T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 49
Bear Hunting
Golf is a lot like business. You drive hard to get in the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
Submitted by Jimbo
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for the bear. He soon found a huge one, shot at it, but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, and he started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" In 1922, Lieutenant Harold Harris bailed out of his crippled test plane at Dayton, Ohio, but was saved by using a parachute. He thus became the first member of the Caterpillar Club (people saved by parachutes). The name "Caterpillar Club" refers to the silk threads that made the original parachutes, thus recognizing the debt owed to the silk worm. "Life depends on a silken thread" is the club's motto. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
50 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Ariens Deluxe Sno-Thro Series ®
• Unique Dual Belt drive system for maximum power and maintenance free operation • On-dash controls allow for control of height and trajectory of snow being thrown • Remote axle lock with a handle-mounted trigger allows Sno-Thro to turn on a dime • Heavy-duty aluminum XS Gear Case with alloy steel gears and L-3 synthetic severe-duty gear oil • Ariens Polar Force engine powered by Briggs & Stratton is certified to start down to 20degrees below zero
1334 MINOT AVE., AUBURN, ME 04210 • 207-783-0558
it’s Hunting Season! Come see our huge collection of guns! • Still time to sign up for CWP (Concerned Weapons Protection) permit • We are a Game Tagging Station
Take advantage of Roger while I vacation in Key West!
Joseph Cimino
LOOKING TO BUY GUNS ALL THE TIME! BUY – SELL – TRADE 481 Maine St. • Poland Spring 998-2806 • 576-9535 576-1553
"As long as you're going to think anyway, think big." – Donald Trump
"Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks, and courage." – Charles Luckman
Out ’n About at Georgio’s in Auburn While we both waited for our wicked affordable breakfast sandwich at Georgio’s, Jim Fecteau shared the following story with Jimbo about his love of the Digest...
It takes me about 2 weeks, but I read the Digest from cover to cover! The one-liners, the stories, the ads, EVERYTHING! I love it!!
Jim Fecteau Mason Contractor
Meet the Parents A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like." "Every adult needs a child to teach; it's the way adults learn." – Frank A. Clark
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 51
Kitchen Art
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Bag boy: agricultural product organizer
We buy Gold, Silver, Platinum and Coins! The highest prices paid!
Stop in with your unused pieces and walk out
very happy!
DiamondCut
Jewelers
1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Mon-Fri 9-5; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Bald: follicularly challenged
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
52 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Brainwashing: cognitive accommodation
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Cafeteria: dining facility
Still Accepting
Out ’n About at Business After Hours with the Androscoggin Chamber at the Androscoggin Bank Colisée in Lewiston
NEW Customers for the upcoming season Attention Landsc apers & Contractors!
We sell bulk sand /salt and straight salt. Cal l us for your snow removal needs!
Peter Gartland First Light Home Care
Commercial Plowing FREE QUOTES
Sanding, Salting
Fran Szostek Frantasia Productions
Snow Removal Locally owned and operated since 1970! 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston
784-7944 www.stlaurentandson.com
Fully Insured • EOE
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Car Wash Worker: vehicle-appearance specialist
Judy & Jim Cain owners of the Androscoggin Bank Colisée
The name "Crayola" is a combination of the French word for chalk ("craie") and "ola" from the "oleanginous," which means "oily." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 53
Accounting Secret
Our galaxy probably contains millions of old neutron stars that have stopped spinning, and so are undetectable.
Submitted by Jimbo
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn't a better accountant anywhere. Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his coworkers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office. One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was: "DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
54 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Lost: locationally disadvantaged
The game Scrabble is found in one out of every three American homes.
Computer Speed Submitted by Travis Dow
BLACK FRIDAY
10% OFF Gift Certificates SPA SERVICES MAKE GREAT GIFTS
• Colors • Cuts • Styles • Waxing • Shellac nails • Facials • Body Treatments • Pedicures
336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1611
After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.
Tues. 10am-7pm • Wed.-Fri. 10am-6pm • Sat. 9am-2pm
IMAGINE THIS: Over 50,000 new people visiting L/A businesses every weekend! See page 61
Entertainment Fri. Nov. 4th Black Cat Road Sat. Nov. 12th Denny Breau Wed. Nov. 23rd Veggies by Day This place rocks!
Free WiFi
Karaoke Every Wed. 8-midnight
The chef of the upscale restaurant collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.
Thu. Nov. 24th Open Blues Jam Thanksgiving Fri. Nov. 25th Brookside Blues Band
FOOTBALL SUNDAY 97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668
The female king crab incubates as many as 400,000 young for 11 months in a brood pouch under her abdomen.
"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
Similarities Submitted by Jimbo
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 55
Ugly The Tomcat
Libra the Scales is the only inanimate symbol in the zodiac.
Submitted by Jimbo
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!" All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, and squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose (continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
56 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Every Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm
Pizza Buffet Soup, Salad & Pizza $9.99/pp • $5 Children 10 & under 150 Mill Street, Lewiston • 782-2088 www.davinciseatery.com
You'll Laugh
You'll Learn
With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. and media stars and they still come back for more. Add comedians Tony Powell and Rob Combine that with our award winning local news Bartlett, starting your day is more fun. and your mornings are complete.
L-A’s WEZR RADIO
1240
Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM
NOW SERVING HOMEMADE DELICIOUS HOT DINNERS. Tuesday - Friday Includes meat, vegetable, starch & dessert Check out or menu on Facebook
Only
10
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Fresh Homemade Bread Daily Homemade Soups • Stews Chili • Chowder Baked Bean Specials on Saturday Hours: Tue.-Fri. 7am-6pm • Sat. 7am-4pm
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breadmorebakery.intuitwebsites.com
Brenda 346-3300 Kurt 14 N. Main Street, Suite 1 • Mechanic Falls
The number two is the only number greater than zero that, when added to or multiplied by itself, gives the same result: 4
(continued from previous page)
Margaret Higgins Sanger, the birth-control pioneer, was one of eleven children.
Nov. 8th ELECTION DAY I need your vote! CITY COUNCIL WARD 5
LEROY WALKER
on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find. One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought.
★ Life-long New Auburn resident ★ New Auburn business owner ★ Auburn Parks Department employee/supt. 39+ years ★ Founder of the United New Auburn Association
Make your vote count.
Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest (continued on next page)
The word "yo-yo" itself was a registered trademark of Duncan until 1965.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 57
(continued from previous page)
pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain. Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for. Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me. . . I will always try to be Ugly. – Author Unknown
At least 100,000 different chemical reactions occur in the normal human brain every second.
HUNTERS’ SPECIAL: BORE SIGHTING $10.00
We Buy, Sell & Trade Full Line Gun Smith Service NEW WEBSITE: jtreidsgunshop.com Check us out!
J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager
& Jimbo
58 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
John Reid, Owner
Santa Suits!
Santa rentals & sales, plus a full line of Santa accessories. We also have Turkeys, Reindeer, Mrs. Santa, Elves, Snowmen & more holiday costumes in stock.
Drapeau’s
Costumes of Maine
Come early & reserve for your Holiday event!
Costume rentals, sales, make-up, wigs & accessories “because life is more fun 20 Main St., Lisbon Falls • 353-2216 www.Costumesof Maine.com
in costume!”
Your Holiday Party Headquarters Winter Brews Arriving Daily
Food & Beverage Delivery is back! 8am - 5pm • Call for details.
F~ Market ~ lorian’s
• L/A’s Largest Selection of Beer • Party Balls, Kegs, Growlers, Mini Kegs • Wine, Liquor & More
Italian Specials
Open
Ham, Veggie or Salami
Thanksgiving Day Regular Hours
301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat
Tuesdays: $1.59 Sundays: $1.99
Find us on Facebook & Foursquare
The human brain continues sending out electrical wave signals for up to 37 hours following death.
Perfect Holiday Gift! V.I.P. Promo
This is a personal invitation for you to experience the finest full service Day Spa in the area. Personal service in a great relaxing atmosphere is what each guest will find at Sarah Jeanne’s.
We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to sample a fine selection of our exclusive services.
Relax and Indulge. Jane Kyllonen
Shelley Burger
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60 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
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Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
Hunting Uncle Andy: I used to be a big-game hunter. Why, for years I shot elephants in Alaska. Travis: That's impossible! There aren't any elephants in Alaska. Uncle Andy: Of course not. I shot them all. It is estimated that a plastic container can resist decomposition for as long as 50,000 years. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 61
Business Talk
The shoestring was invented in England in 1790. Prior to this time, all shoes were fastened with buckles.
Jimbo & Travis were out in a small boat fishing together when a large wave washed them overboard and sank the boat.
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"I can't swim," cried Jimbo. "Turn on your back and float and I will put my arms under you and tow you to shore," said Travis.
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After awhile Travis got tired and said to Jimbo, "Can you float alone?" "I don't understand you," yelled Jimbo. "Here we are about to drown and you want to talk business."
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Keep all your equipment clean in our extra LARGE wash bay! 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com Write-in votes for the Academy Awards were disallowed after 1935.
The Rhythm King Dick Demers' earliest memory of drumming goes back to when he was just 3 years old back in 1941. “I remember sitting in my Uncle's lap and banging on his snare drum. Up until then I had toy drums, but this was a real drum. After that I think I drove my Aunt & Uncle crazy, I always wanted to go up to their apartment above ours to play the drums. Not for too long, my Uncle would always say,” Dick recalled with a grin. Demers may not have had his drumming skills honed at that point, but what began at age 3 turned into a life long love for drumming that would continue strong through today some 70 years later. “I began taking drum lessons in the 5th grade from Lou Barrett & continued on until high school where I met my eventual wife Myrna, who played next to me in the drum section. Being in The EL band was the in thing to do in those days, and I was in a couple of other school bands too. I was with The Rhythm Kings at EL and I also played with a band over at St. Dom's at the same time,” Demers recently told Uncle Andy's Digest. Fast forward a bit to 1959 when Starbird School of Music on Main St in Auburn lost it's music teacher. Dick was playing in a band with Al Fontaine, one of the teachers at Starbird, who suggested to him to give teaching a try. “I was a bit timid at first,” Demers confessed, “but I agreed to teach and I can remember my first student was a guy by the name of Bob Michaels.” Demers then moved to Carroll's School of Music who built a special drum studio just for him to teach in, and Demers started playing in a band 6 nights a week to support this family while still being able to teach more. “In those days you got $5 a show, and that was good money in that day with minimum wage being 50 cents/hour. I remember teaching lessons by day and playing gigs at night to support my wife and 5 kids. I had 20 students at one point and it was a lot of hard work and long days, but I was lucky to be able to drum and make a living at it. Not many people would be able to do it the way I have.” Demers recalled. Demers also reminisced about times playing with Lenny Breau saying, “I remember when we first met I was 15 and Lenny was 13 and he could out play everyone. Later on in the 60's we bumped into each other again at one of the night club's I was playing at, afterwards he came to my place and played his guitar for 2 hours like he was performing for 200 people, he was an amazing guitarist. The photo I gave you was from one of our jam sessions in the mid-70's.” Also throughout the years of teaching Dick taught at many high schools and colleges like UMA, Hebron Academy, Greeley, Gray-New Gloucester, and also taught lessons at his home studio and played in some of Maine' most popular bands of the time like The Flairs, Voyage, 7th Heaven, Impalas and Summit Spring. He later went on to publish a book on drumming which was very well received around the country title, The Beginning of No End to Control. In 2007 he was among 5 musicians recognized by The Maine Jazz Alliance with an award titled, "In Recognition of Your Life as an Exceptional Musician and Your Role as an Ambassador of Jazz to the State of Maine" After Carroll's Music closed, Demers opened his own Drum Studio at his home at 26 Mary St. in Lewiston and told Uncle Andy's Digest that, "I will continue to teach as long as I am able. KnowThe band, “Kenmore” ing there are those out there young, middle aged or old that would like a career in drumming or that just want to learn to play for their own pleasure gives me a reason to get up and look forward to each day." If you or someone you know is interested ith mers w in learning to play drums or wants to build on what they already know, call Dick Demers School of Drumming today at 786-6861. Dick De reau Lenny B
Nutty The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS. Three of my friends have disappeared. with this coupon • Expires 11.30.11
Are you O.K.? A warped sense of humor is vastly better than no sense of humor. I woke up this morning feeling funny so I called in shtick.
HAIRS TOO YOU Kerry Owner/Stylist
Monique “Nicky” Stylist
Jen Stylist
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16 Main Street, Lisbon Falls
Phone
353-5122
*Drop off form at our Salon*
Established 1991
Bellman’s Fine Jewelry
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 63
Out ’n About at a Federation hockey game at the Colisée
White wine gets darker as it ages while red wine gets lighter.
I’m in the witness protection program and prefer to remain nameless.
Dead sponges can resist bacterial decay for more than five years when submerged in fresh water. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
64 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Lazy: motivationally dispossessed
Mandi
Isabella Lance
Since April 18 2009
Mandi absolutely loves The DOGGz INN!!! Without Rebecka, Katie and Ashlee, Mandi would be a very out of control girl. My husband was completely against “Doggy Daycare” and now he is the one that brings her. Due to a schedule change, Mandi is not really left home alone anymore and we still bring her twice a week, because she is miserable if she doesn’t go. She can't wait to get there and always comes home safe and sound and exhausted. The love and attention that all three women show the dogs is incredible. Without The DOGGz INN, I would not have the wonderful laid-back dog that Mandi is today!
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Bisson joins Hairs Too You
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Information: overly structured trivia
A Maine Tradition You
Can Count On!
Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm
DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . . . . . . . . .$9.55 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls
Tues. Wed. & Thurs. Fried Clams - sm. $11.50 . . .lg. $14.75
Friday & Saturday Kelley Bisson of Lisbon Falls has joined the crew at Hairs Too You at 16 Main St in Lisbon Falls. Mrs. Bisson brings over 5 year of hair care experience to the salon. Kelley returns to the hair industry after a few years off to spend time with family. She started to miss the camaraderie of a salon, and seeing & talking with all of her past clients, so she decided to come back to doing hair. She recently told Uncle Andy's that she feels at home at the new salon. She's seen a lot of familiar faces & friends from around town and she feels like Hairs Too You has a family-like atmosphere. Kelley offers Extensions, Shellac Nails, Colors and Mens or Womens Cuts & Styles. She also really loves doing makeovers for people and also recently informed UAD that she was trained in the authentic, fusion technique for doing extensions/weaves. If you are a past client of Kelley's or would like to become a new client, please call Hairs Too You in Lisbon Falls today for an appointment at 353-5122. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
66 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw
Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . . . . . . . .$7.95
After 4:00 PM Prime Rib Au Jus*
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Small $13.50 • Large $16.25
Thursday - New England Boiled Dinner $9.55
Friday, Saturday & Sunday
w/potato, carrots, gravy & rolls w/potato & rolls w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls
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Fried Seafood Combo* $16.95
Baked Salmon $10.95 includes Potato, Choice of Salad or Coleslaw
Try a slice of our delicious holiday pies like apple, pumpkin, blueberry, mincemeat pie & more. Stop by for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Better yet, do both!
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From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Individualism: uncooperative spirit
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Incorrect: alternative answer
Out ’n About at a Federation hockey game at the Colisée
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783-0858 • 1-800-244-0858 From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Ignorant: factually unencumbered
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The islands of Bermuda have no rivers or lakes. The inhabitants must use rain for water.
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Hurricane: himmicane (non sexist)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis
HALL IMPLEMENT CO.
Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 Sat. 7:30-12:00
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NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 67
College Classes for a Politically Correct World SSC101 Spinal Strengthening and Conditioning 1: This course explores the techniques needed to have an opinion, state it, and stick to it. The concepts covered in this course are designed to strengthen the students backbone (or help develop one in some extreme cases). SSC102 Spinal Strengthening and Conditioning 2: This course is a continuation of SSC101 and deals with the converse side of the opinion issue: how to bend gracefully when life demands it.The concepts discussed in this course are designed to help avoid backbone stiffness, brittleness or breakage.
Movie Sequels: "Kickboxer 3: Right in the Groin!"
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Take the time to stop and smell the roses (and the turkey) this Thanksgiving season!
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Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere Movie Sequels: "Lawrence of Bolivia"
MSC101 Mental Strengthening and Conditioning 1: This course introduces techniques that allow the student to make room in the brain for new information. MSC102 Mental Strengthening and Conditioning 2: This course, which continues the material begun in MSC101, is designed to teach the student how to choose wisely what is put into the brain and how to avoid the mental junk food that can weaken the brain. ESC101 Emotional Strengthening and Conditioning 1: This course introduces the concept that one does not need to (continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
68 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
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1 Garfield Road, Auburn • 344-6622 ridebackwoods.com Movie Sequels: "Driving Miss Daisy's Hearse"
(continued from previous page)
Movie Sequels: "To Kung Fu, Thanks For Everything, David Carradine"
indham •
Located
orth W . 115 in N
0
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on Rt
Movie Sequels: "Waterworld 2: The Red Ink Sea"
Our Way of saying THANK YOU! Only 2 months left to use your 2011 medical reimbursements
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Movie Sequels: "Dumbo: First Blood"
become emotionally unstable when confronted by the unpleasant aspects of life. ESC102 Emotional Strengthening and Conditioning 2: This course continues the discussion begun in ESC101 and teaches specific techniques for maintaining emotional stability in a chaotic world.Topics covered include how to respond to insensitive or poorly thought-out comments (both spoken and written); how to graciously process negative emotions; and how to avoid the temptation to get even (this list is by no means all-inclusive; students will be encouraged to suggest topics for class sessions). SSD101 Social Skills Development 1: This course introduces the skills necessary to use the knowledge gained from previous courses (see list above) in interactions with others.(While the University wishes to make this course a graduation requirement for all students, the University's attorneys have advised the administrators that such a requirement would be highly impractical, as the number of people at large in the world who have not taken SSD101 far outnumber those who have taken it. Therefore, the course may actually put our graduates at a disadvantage but we still recommend you take it, if only for your own sake.) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 69
The female pigeon cannot lay eggs if she is alone. In order for her ovaries to function, she must be able to see another pigeon.
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23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.dadsplace.info
An average adult produces about half a liter of flatulent gas per day, resulting in an average of about fourteen occurrences of flatulence a day.
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Catering Division • 345-9009 • www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
70 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
You inhale about 700,000 of your own skin flakes each day.
Stan Pelletier MAYOR
Trivia Who was the first explorer to reach the North Pole? A. Edmund Hillary B. Francis Drake C. Robert E. Peary D. James Cook Brought up in Maine and graduated from Portland High School. He attended Bowdoin College, graduating in 1877. Peary began his arctic career in 1885.
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Secretary: stationery engineer
The correct answer is: C. Robert E. Peary
Appointment Delay
✮ ✮ ✮ ✮
Sound Economic Development and Fair Wages Safe Affordable Housing Open and Fair Government Efficient City Services
Married to Wife Doris 35 Years, 6 Children & 12 Grandchildren Self Employed for 34 Years Owned and operated Stan Pelletier’s Towing Owned and Operated Pierre’s Restaurant in OOB Owns and Operates Pelletier’s Banquet Facility (a.k.a. C&J Hall) Owns several rental properties in Lewiston and Auburn Army Veteran Medic at Walson Army Hospital during Vietnam War Former Chair of the Lewiston Democratic Committee Treasurer of Lewiston-Auburn Landlord Association Past President of Sabattus Seniors Member of the Lewiston Lodge of Elks Member of Post153 American Legion
ELECT NOV. 8TH From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Exercise: body enhancement through exertion
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
Heeeeeeeey! Before he landed the acting role of a lifetime as "The Fonz" on ABC's hit sitcom Happy Days (19741984), Henry Winkler worked for a time as a travel agent. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 71
Happy Thanksgiving from all of us to all of you!
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
SALE SALE SALE
Mommy says I look even more like Daddy now that I'm a turkey...
POWER MAX 65 The Powermax 65 plasma cutting system is the ultimate system for metal cutting up to 3/4”. Four DuramaxTM torch styles provide greater versatility and enable operators to select the right tool for the job.85 amps of cutting power to make it the premier 1” air plasma system
CUTMASTER 42 The CUTMASTER 42 is one of the most affordable, highest quality 1/4” plasma machines on the market.
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Blake Dow as Mr. Turkey
5 GENERATIONS STRONG
HANDLER 140 The Handler® 140 operates off 115 volt standard household current for maximum versatility. It easily handles a broad selection of solid mild steel or stainless, flux cored and aluminum wires.
(Back l to r) Mother, Lauren Cardwell with her daughter, Aubrey; Great Grandmother Sue Stintson (Front) Grandmother, Kim Cardwell & Great Great grandmother "Nana" June McGinley Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
72 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
The Real Gear Graphic Auto Darkening Hood, is your go to auto hood. Comes with external adjustment with high/low sensitivity. Can be used for MIG, TIG, & Stick welding applications. Options: Red or Grey
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REAL GEAR MIG PACKAGE Save up to $57.00 on this Real Gear MIG Package. Included in the Package, MIG 140 Machine & Auto Darkening Hood.
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22 Albiston Way, Auburn 784-5788 1-800-377-9433 Austria was the first country to use postcards.
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Guess: anomaly maneuvers: repetitive predictions
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From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Failure: non-traditional success
AFFORDABLE HOUSING AT ITS BEST! Auburn’s newest 28 unit housing development is located in downtown Auburn near shops, restaurants, banks, the library, post office and local bus routes. Rents include heat and hot water One bedroom: $498-604; Two bedroom: $596-724 Three bedroom: $676-824
Here we are at the famous Rhode Island hair show. We got all gussied up for a great night out on the town!
Amenities: Laundry room and assigned parking Androscoggin Head Start & Childcare on site • Individual storage units Part-time resident services coordinator • Handicap accessible units
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SECTION 8 HOUSING CHOICE VOUCHERS ACCEPTED
Webster School Apartments 95 Hampshire Street, Auburn
Out ʼn About with
Nicole & Ally from Sheilaʼs Hair Salon
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Demand: propose strongly
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 73
Broadway Show
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Gas Station Attendant: petroleum transfer technician
Submitted by Jimbo
For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to go to the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the restrooms. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to relieve himself right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!" Elvis Presley's hit recording of "Love Me Tender" entered Billboard's pop charts in October 1956. It stayed on the charts for 19 weeks, and was in the Number 1 spot for five of those weeks. The song, from Presley's debut film with the same title, was adapted from the tune "Aura Lee," which had been written back in 1861.
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A cesium atom in an atomic clock beats over nine billion times a second.
CASUAL FAMILY DINING Daily Specials Mon. Tues. Wed. Thurs.
Kids eat for just $1 (with adult entree) 2fer entrees $25 (includes soup & salad) 1/2 price appetizers 4-7pm $2 domestic drafts all day 50¢ wings, $3 import drafts
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All's well that ends
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
74 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
757 Main Street, Lewiston (Across from Marden’s ) • 376-4990 The Giant South African Earthworm can grow up to 22 feet long and 1 inch in thick.
Nylon is made from coal and petroleum.
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The city of Las Vegas has the most hotel rooms in the world.
Marketing Your Business in Today’s World Written by Jimbo @ Uncle Andy’s Digest Inspired by Jay Conrad Levinson’s book, Guerrilla Marketing we decided to publish a short article that may just help small business owners. We speak with many business owners on a continual basis, some have a marketing plan, most don’t. Sometimes we get asked, “Can I run one ad to see if it works?” A one-time ad is not an offering we have at Uncle Andy’s Digest. Why you ask? Because 99.9% of the time a one-shot ad will not give a business the results they’re looking for. They may walk away saying advertising with us doesn’t work. A marketing plan needs to be for the long-term, not for the short-term. Marketing should also be looked at as an investment, not an expense. Here’s what Jay has to say: Rule #1: One shot ads almost never work. “Repetition is the key to the success of your advertising. For every three ads viewed, the average consumer will ignore two. It takes an average consumer nine exposures to an ad before the ad is readily remembered.” Jay Conrad Levinson is one of the most trusted marketing gurus in the world. Guerrilla Marketing is by far the best selling book series of its kind, ever. Why? Because his ideas work. Our marketing consultants can help your business stand out from the crowd! Contact us to find out how at 783-7039.
Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
City dwellers have longer, thicker, denser nose hairs than country folks do.
At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?”
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!
He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”
Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!
Noah Webster, the creator of the first American dictionary, was born on October 16, 1758, in West Hartford, Connecticut. "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
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– Epicurus Although the combination of chile peppers and oregano for seasoning has been traced to the ancient Aztecs, the present blend is said to be the invention of early Texans. Chili powder today is typically a blend of dried chiles, garlic powder, red peppers, oregano, and cumin.
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In 1890, Clement Ader of France actually was the first person to fly an airplane. But his steam-powered airplane only rose a few inches off the ground. It was not a sustained flight like the Wright Brothers' later flight.
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Criticism: unjust self-esteem reducer
& Jimbo
76 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
7 Days a Week
8 AM - 5 PM We honor:
s Alway g n i Buy
960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store
Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!
Summer on Uranus lasts for 21 years.
Movie Stars Submitted by Jimbo
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
770 Main Street, Lewiston • 782-0242
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
The temperature of the earth's interior increases by 1 degree every 60 feet down.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 77
Chasing Girls
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Dead: metabolically challenged
Submitted by Jimbo
A couple of elderly men were sitting in the park chatting about days gone by, when a pretty young woman came into view and walked past. Seconds later a young man appeared, walking just a bit faster than the young woman, and gaining steadily on her. The first old man gazed after the couple and said, "Do you remember when we used to chase pretty girls down the street?"
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His friend hardly stirred and replied wearily, "Yes I do remember how we used to chase them, but I can't for the life of me remember why."
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Submitted by Jimbo
A grandmother took her five-year-old grandson to the ballet. The boy had never seen a ballet before and watched the ballerinas prance around on their toes. After the show was over, the grandmother asked the youngster if he had any questions.
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"Yeah, Granny," said the boy," wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancer?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
78 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Derision: nontraditional praise
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Garbage collector: sanitation engineer
Look & feel your best this Holiday Season Cuts • Colors • Styles • Nails • Waxing • Facials • Massage & More
Gift Certificates Available
L-R: Lynn, Elizabeth, Emily, Cindy
L-R: Brian, Christine, Michelle, Micaela
20 Coburn Street, Auburn • 782-9009 (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday studio for hair, nails & massage
www.panachehairandnailstudio.com
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Cheating: cooperative assignment
All New Students
1 Week of FREE Classes No obligation Tell ‘em Uncle Andy sent ya!
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We are the only Certified OKINAWAN KENPO SCHOOL in the Twin Cities
• Karate for Adults & Kids • Fitness Kickboxing for Adults • Yoga for Adults
Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com
786-3731
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Dumb: cerebrally challenged
Really Impressed As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems. After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem. Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. "Honey," she asked sweetly, "what was it again that you do for a living?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 79
Out ’n About at the Future home of the Y
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Homeless person: residentially flexible individual
Certificate of No Complaints Candace Sanborn of Encompass Marketing & Design & Bonnie McCugh of Gleason Media Services
Jenny Malloy, Maria Dubois, April Joyce & Mary Curtis
Reverend Roger Cousineau blesses the site
As of October 4, 2011,
Sherm Arnold’s Flooring & Kitchen Design Center has not received a single customer complaint within BBB’s reporting period of 36 months.
Dave Shea & Tom Anthoine
Completely Family-Owned Let us show you what the power of buying local will do for you! Brian Dubois, Jim Bouchles & Bill Cummings (Former Landowner of the Future Site for The Y in Auburn)
For more info about the Y’s new future home call 795-4095
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
80 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Hours: Monday 8-7pm Tues - Fri. 8-5pm 550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831 Sat. 9-2pm www.shermarnolds.com From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Nerd: under-attractive, cerebrally gifted individual
The first paperback book was printed - by Penguin Publishing in 1935.
MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERS SHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS We also carry: All other types of firearms Knives • Ammo by the case We Buy - Sell - Trade Finders fee for collections
Call Matt, Drew or Chris at
Rt. 4 • Turner, ME
225-3432
Just past Twitchell’s Airport
g3firearms@megalink.net
Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living." – Unknown
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Call 753-9887 or 576-8528
OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available
2 great reasons to invest in flowers this month
1. Veteran’s Day... Nov. 11th 2. Thanksgiving... Nov. 24th
Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457
www.annsflower.com In 1956 the phrase, "In God We Trust", was adopted as the U.S. national motto.
A team of University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice of picking one's nose, claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social connotations. The increased electricity used by modern appliance parts is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa. Did you hear about the folks at the zoo who work in the butterfly room there? One of them is doing such a good job they named him "Employee of the Moth." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 81
What are Boogers made out of? Boogers are mucus (myookuss). Mucus is the thin, slippery material that is found inside your nose. Many people call mucus snot. Your nose makes nearly a cupful of snot every day. Snot is produced by the mucous membranes in the nose, which it moistens and protects. When you inhale air through your nose, it contains lots of tiny particles, like dust, dirt, germs, and pollen. If these particles made it all the way to the lungs, the lungs could get damaged and it would be difficult to breathe. Snot works by trapping the particles and keeping them in the nose. After these particles get stuck inside the nose, the mucus surrounds them along with some of the tiny hairs inside the nose called cilia. The mucus dries around the particles. When the particles and dried-out mucus clump together, you're left with a booger!
Property values on the Monopoly gameboard are the same today as they were in 1935.
Plow Man is ready to save your day! Be prepared this winter. Call Plow Man right now for a free quote!
Commercial or Residential • Plowing • Shoveling • Sanding
784-8922 For All General Home Repairs & Improvements
Boogers can be squishy and slimy or tough and crumbly. In fact, boogers are a sign that your nose is working properly. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
82 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES • Carpentry • Sheetrocking • Plumbing • Flooring • Painting • Plowing Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
The first United States coast to coast airplane flight occurred in 1911 and took 49 days.
LARGEST SELECTION OF GRANITE & QUARTZ IN THE AREA FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED!
Hey Brad, I’m great at shooting baskets. You’re pretty good at shooting photos, but you’re really bad at golf.
Over 400 colors to choose from!
Quartz Cambria, HanStone, Silestone, Zodiaq, Caesarstone, Viatera
Family Owned & Operated
786-5556 786-5556 995 Center Street, Auburn
995 Center Street, Auburn
Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm
www.granitemarblecountertops.net www.granitemarblecountertops.net In France - Captain Sarret made the first parachute jump from an airplane in 1918.
Boston Celtic great, Dave Cowens & Brad Sloat at the YMCA annual golf tournament
"One today is worth two tomorrows." – Benjamin Franklin
VOTE YES ON QUESTION 3 On Nov. 8th
AND WATCH OUT L/A because
ALL OF US WIN! Paid for and authorized by the people of Lewiston and Auburn Committee, Bill Walsh, treasurer.
This is not just a casino... but a true destination place with great concerts, entertainment, the arts, and great restaurants. Everyone in the state of Maine WINS!
"Scientific America" carried the first magazine automobile ad in 1898. The Winton Motor Car Company of Cleveland, OH, invited readers to "dispense with a horse".
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 83
"Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way." – Jerold Rochwald
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
Eggcettera Catering E PRO V D UNC LE ANDY AP
Thomas Edison patented the kinetoscope, the forerunner of the movie projector, in 1887. Edison called the invention a Kinetoscope, using the Greek words "kineto" meaning "movement" and "scopos" meaning "to watch." At the 1999 Alaska State Fair, Scott Robb broke the world record for world's largest rutabaga by more than 13 pounds when his record-setting rutabaga weighed in at 75.57 pounds.
If you’re too busy to cook and you don’t want fast food, try our HOME-COOKED MEALS!
For only $7 each, Dinner for 1-200. Dinner Sun. Mon.To Go Tue. 1 6
See our full menu 13 online at: EggcetteraCatering.com
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Sat. 5
12
Pies • Dinner Rolls • Lasagna Meatballs • Salad • Party Dessert Trays 17
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Anything you need, we can cook for you! 784-5544
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31 Leavitt Street, Auburn
Please order one day prior. Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.
4
8 for your 9 10 needs 11 Call holiday
7
Cash • Check • Major Credit Cards
(first left after the Minot Ave./Hotel Rd. intersection as you head toward Mechanic Falls)
3
2
RECUPERATING - BACK ON NOV. 21ST
and Dinner To Go
784-5544
November Menu Wed. Thu. Fri.
Baked Ziti Caesar Salad Homemade Rolls
Meatloaf Mashed Potatoes Gravy Peas, Rolls
Shepherd’s Pie Green Beans Homemade Rolls
Chili Cole Slaw Cornbread
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Pot Roast Mashed Potatoes Carrots Rolls
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Fish Chowder Tuna Roll Cole Slaw Biscuits
30
American Chop Suey Green Beans Homemade Rolls
See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better." – Wendell Phillips
Impossible Argument A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
84 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
Nicole
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November Thanksgiving Special
Angie |Shampoo |Hair Spray |Conditioner |Leave-In Conditioner
SHEILA’S HAIR SALON
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Hours: Tues. - Fri. 9am-7pm • Sat. 9-2
5 South Main Street, Mechanic Falls
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Escape maps, compasses, and files were inserted into Monopoly game boards and smuggled into POW camps inside Germany during W.W.II; real money for escapees was slipped into the packs of Monopoly money.
STORAGE PROBLEM?
Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce Open Year Round
Mountain View Storage
908 Minot Ave., Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6:00 am - 8:00 pm
Support local business... Use our advertisers!
Sizes available: 5’x10’, 10’x10’, 10’x15’ & 10’x20’ Rt. 26, W. Paris (Just 4 miles north from Market Square) • 674-3212 or 333-9745
Visit us online:
myselco.com
WOOD & PELLET STOVES
ON SALE NOW
1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4
HARRIS BROTHERS
FOUR SEASON SERVICE
PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268
Downeast Sharpening
Call us! No Separating Required!
743-3891 HARRIS BROS.
Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel
SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD
DOLMAR
7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond
shindaiwa
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Hunting • Fishing • Firearms • Ammo • Gear We’re a great choice for your outdoorsman’s holiday gifts!
NEW PRODUCTS Upcountry Snowshoes & Pack Baskets
tailfeathersuplandstore.com 1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030 If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 85
OUT ʼN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Poor: economically marginalized
• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes
Happy Fall Uncle Andy’s Digesters! We are knee deep in fall, sprinting towards winter weather, ready or not. With that in mind, if you need a new set of wheels that can handle the Maine winter weather drive your old Pinto or Festiva to Lake City Exports and trade the go cart you call a car in for a big boy 4X4 or AWD. I was recently in a car accident with my Infinity and long story short it was totaled. I luckily inherited a Toyota Yaris. If you have never seen a Yaris imagine a car in which you would be embarrassed to be seen in or even around and ya it looks just like that. To top it off the fan belt squeals every time you start it up. I recently was leaving a college parking lot adjacent to the soccer field where the women’s soccer team was practicing. I cranked the socalled car up and the belt screams out “Hey look at this dork over here”. Immediately the whole team freezes and stares over at me. I thought to myself “Wow, I should have invested in window tints”. As I drove away and rummaged around for the bright side of things and realized at least its not a scooter. So, don’t wait for a hand me down Yaris, go get a real vehicle from Lake City Exports. After you pick up your new and improved mode of transportation you have got to look the part. You can’t go driving around showing off your new ride looking like a ragamuffin so, let someone at Kutters Korner in Lewiston give ya a trim. Just a little off the top…you don’t want to freeze your noodle off in the early stages of winter. Plus, Granny will give you grief if you show up for Thanksgiving looking like a shaggy scrub. Trust me, I have pulled those shenanigans and it never ends in your favor. Digesters jump in a pile of leaves for me, palm frawns just aren’t the same, and follow me on twitter at UADMiamiMike, too. Until next month digesters, keep an Uncle Andy’s Digest near at all times and remember, never eat the yellow snow cones, no one except Mr. Clean really likes lemon.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo
86 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems
CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)
Get it GONE NOW!! Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away… This is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages! Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed
Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs
Farrell Enterprises Over 65? Ask about senior discounts.
Fully Insured • Call for FREE Quote!
782-5300 or 576-2501
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Old: chronologically gifted
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Off: energy efficient
Girls Night Out No one will recognize me dressed this way...
Cathy Emery Reggie’s Sales & Service (Submitted by her sister, Jayne Ray)
A Man for Every Woman Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life. In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can't change that." Diane replied, "I don't want to change it! I just wanna get in on it."
800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed. Uncle Andy: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Redneck: rustically inclined
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo
NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039 87
SPECIAL
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Smart: cerebrally gifted
Buy 2 weeks of Tanning
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867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033 2008 Lexus GX470
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ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . . . . .7:00pm Wednesday ZUMBA Gold . . . . . . .10:00am Kick-N-Cardio . . . . . . .5:30pm ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . . . . .6:30pm Thursday Kick-N-Cardio . . . . . . .5:30pm ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . . . . .7:00pm Friday Belly Dancing . . . . . . . .6:30pm Saturday ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . . . . .9:30am YOGA . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:30am That’s 13 classes offered per week!
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88 NOVEMBER 2011 783-7039
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32,990
BROWSE OUR INVENTORY 07 BMW 328xi, Black, Heated Seats, AWD, 83k, 6 cyl., . . . . . . . .$17,490 07 BMW 328xi, 4 Dr., Black, Loaded, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$17,490 06 Chevy Equinox, 4-Dr., Red, Loaded, 77k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,990 06 Chevy Uplander, Auto, Beige, Only 72k, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 05 Chevy Suburban 1500 Z71, 95k, Tow Pkg., Loaded . . . . . . .$15,990 04 Chevy Malibu, 6-Cyl., Auto, 4-Dr., Black, 80k . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,490 04 Chevy Trailblazer LS, 4x4, CD, 86k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 03 Chevy Trailblazer EXT LT, White, Tow Pkg., Loaded . . . . . . . . .$8,490 08 Chrysler Pacifica Touring, 90k, Parking Sensors, Power Everything! . .$13,990 04 Chrysler Crossfire, 74k, Red, Loaded, 6 cyl., Heated Seats . . .$9,990 08 Dodge Ram 2500 SLT, 43k, Auto, 4x4, BOSS Plow, Tow Pkg. .$23,990 07 Dodge Caliber, 4-Dr., Gray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 07 Dodge Caliber, 4-Dr., 90k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 07 Dodge Caliber R/T, Auto, Silver, 91k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 07 Dodge Caravan SXT, V6, Auto, Dual Sliders, CD, Blue . . . . . . . .$8,990 06 Dodge Dakota SLT, Blue, Crew Cab, 4x4, Tow pkg., 8 cyl. . . .$11,990 06 Dodge Durango SLT, 8 cyl, Running Boards, 3rd Row, 89k, Blue, 4x4 $11,490 04 Dodge Durango SLT, 81k, Gray, Loaded, 4x4 . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,990 07 Ford Escape XLT, Auto, 70k, Green Loaded . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 07 Ford Focus SE, Auto, 4-Dr., White, 69k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 06 Ford F350 SD, 8 Cyl., Auto, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,990 06 Ford Ranger Sport, 6 cyl, 5-Speed, Running Boards, Red . . .$11,990 05 Ford Taurus, 6 Cyl., 4-Dr., Tan, Loaded, 81k . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,990 06 GMC Sierra 1500 SLE Z71, Ext.Cab, 98k, Pewter, 4x4, All Pwr Options . . .$14,990 06 Jeep Liberty Renegade, V6, 4x4, Roof Rack, Roof Lights, 85k . . . .$11,490 06 Jeep Liberty Renegade, 6 cyl., 94k, Red, Loaded, 4x4 . . . . .$12,490 06 Jeep Commander, 8 cyl., 4x4, 95k, Silver, DVD, Loaded . . . . .$12,990 06 Jeep Commander, V8, Auto, Black, 68k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$17,990 05 Jeep Grand Cherokee, Auto, Blue, Loaded, 8 Cyl. . . . . . . . . .$12,990 03 Jeep Liberty, 6-Cyl., Auto, Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,490 05 Lexus RX330, 6-Cyl., Auto, 4-Dr., Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . .$16,990 06 Lincoln Navigator, Black, All Power Options, . . . . . . . . . . . .$14, 990 07 Mazda 3, 95k, Black, 4-Door, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 05 Mazda 6, 85k, Auto, Loaded, White . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 02 Mazda 626 LX, V6., Auto, All Power Options, CD . . . . . . . . . . .$5,190 07 Mercury Mariner Premier, Black, 6 cyl., 85k,4x4, Loaded . . .$12,990
06 Mercury Milan, Auto, 4-Dr., Silver, Loaded, 98k . . . . . . . . . . .$10,490 06 MINI Cooper S, 2DR, 6-Speed, Blue, 97k, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$10,990 06 Mitsubishi Eclipse, 2-Dr., Gray, Loaded, 93k . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 06 Nissan Xterra SE, Auto, 4-Dr., Black, Loaded, 81k . . . . . . . . .$13,990 05 Nissan Frontier SE, 98k, Silver . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 04 Nissan Murano SL, 84k, Blue, 6 cyl., Auto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,990 06 Pontiac G6 GT, 2-Dr., Black, 74k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 06 Pontiac G6 GT, Coupe, Black, 74k, Premium Wheels, CD . . . . .$9,990 07 Saab 93, Wagon, Silver, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 06 Saab 93, Auto, 4Dr., Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 05 Saab 95 Arc, 4-Dr., Blue, Loaded, 82k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,490 05 Saab 95 Arc 2.3T, Auto, 82k, Blue, All Power Options . . . . . . .$9,490 05 Saab 95 Arc 2.3T, Auto 86k, Loaded, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,490 04 Saab 93 Arc, 5-Speed, 87k, Convertible, Blue, All Power Options .$9,990 04 Saab 93 Linear, 5-Speed, 67k, Black, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 06 Saturn Ion 3, 4 Cyl., Gas Saver, Auto, 92k, Gray, Loaded . . . . .$8,990 06 Saturn Ion, 4-Cyl., Auto, Gray, Loaded, 91k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,490 05 Scion TC, Auto, Dual Roofs, 94k, CD, Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$8,990 05 Scion TC, 2-Dr., Blue, 94k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 06 Toyota 4Runner Sport, Auto, Tow Pkg., 4x4, 6 cyl., 98k, Silver, Loaded . . .$16,990 05 Volvo XC90, 4-Dr., Tan, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,990 04 Volvo XC90, Auto, Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,990 05 Volvo S60 T5 Turbo, 5 cyl., AWD, Auto, Maroon, Loaded . . . .$10,990 08 VW Jetta Wolfsburg Edition, 79k, Auto, CD, Moonroof . . . . . . .$13,990 08 VW Passat Komfort, Auto, 32k, CD/MP3, Green, Loaded . . . .$15,990 07 VW Golf GTI, 6-Speed, CD Changer, 72k, Gray, Loaded . . . . . .$13,990 07 VW Jetta, 99k, 5-Speed, Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,490 06 VW Jetta Red, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 06 VW Passat, 82k, Auto, 4 cyl., Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,390 06 VW Passat, Auto, 4-Dr., Green, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 04 VW Passat SIlver, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 04 VW Passat,4-Dr., Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,490 04 VW Passat, Auto Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,490 03 VW Passat GLX, 6-Cyl., Auto, 4-Door, Silver, 94k . . . . . . . . . . .$8,490 03 VW Passat S/Wagon, 6-Cyl., Auto, Gray, Loaded, 81k . . . . . . . .$8,990
From the Politically Correct Dictionary: Rich: economically maximized