UAD - November 2012

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST THE MOST UNUSUAL DIGEST IN AMERICA

.com

FREE November 2012

We Hope To SEA You This Holiday Season!

Reserve Your Company Holiday Party!!

Groups of 100+ can reserve the entire hibachi restaurant.

e A gift certificat gift for makes a great iends co-workers, fr or family!

Japanese Cuisine 40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 www.sea40me.com

Armandsab@aol.com

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. 1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 376-4977

Now Accepting New Patients See page 8 FMI

Payment Plan

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.

Submitted by Jimbo

He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.

One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically rushed him to the family doctor's office which was just around the corner.

Just as the patient's face was turning blue, the physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.

After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.

Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"

The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA NOVEMBER 2012 Tuesday, Nov 6th Luiggi’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 8609) 63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Sunday, Nov 11th KC Breakfast 8 – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest Child / 10 free Tuesday, Nov 13th Schemengee’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 10589) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $7.50 Member; $8.50 Guest Sunday, Nov 18th KC Turkey Dinner Noon (Chapter 12907) Our Lady of the Rosary Church Maxwell Gill Hall, Sabattus $6 Member; $7 Guest Tuesday, Nov 20th Dairy Queen 4 – 7pm (Chapter 12749) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, Nov 27th Rolly’s Diner BREAKFAST 7 – 10am (Chapter 14437) Mill St, Auburn $3 Member; $4 Guest Wednesday, Nov 28th Pizza Hut 11:30am - 1pm (Chapter 10929) Rt 26, Oxford $5 Member; $6 Guest Thursday, Nov 29th Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant 11:30am – 1:30pm (Chapter 14346) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest

Flatterer: one who says things to your face that he wouldn’t say behind your back.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

A retail mind in a wholesale business.

QUALITY CUSTOM DENTURE WORK Affordable Dentures

www.UncleAndys.com

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

NOVEMBER 2012

FREE CONSULTATIONS

Staff

Most Dental Insurances Accepted • We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

JIMBO

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES

Golden

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

TRAVIS Gangnam Style

514-0660

UNCLE ANDY

www.smileagaindentures.com

Ski Prepping

See us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures

MAGGIE

• Rebases • Relines • Repairs

The Glue

MARTY

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He couldn’t pick the winner of a one-horse race.

Logistics Specialist

ANGIE

Lunch for $3.95!

Yearling

TOM

sale We have whole

Blog Fog

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NOVEMBER 2012

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S FINGER ROLL

parties! for your holiday ed ll $2/dozen unfi ed $799 /dozen fill , egg or ham)

(chicken, tuna

Homemade Everyday!

Mon: Tues: Wed: Thurs: Fri:

Fresh Hot Soups & Chili daily.

Bowl of soup & 2 finger rolls Shepard’s Pie with breadstick Chicken Pot Pie with homemade roll Open-faced Pt Roast Sandwich Chowder with roll or Homemade Mac ‘n cheese

Locally owned & operated

GEORGIO’S 740 Minot Avenue, Auburn

Jon Jordan, manager

783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm www.mygeorgios.com

Life is strange; every so often a good man wins.

Trivia

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Full throttle, dry tank.

A train travels up a hill at 20 MPH, turns around and returns at 60 MPH. What is the average speed for the entire trip? No tricks here, no turnaround time or acceleration and deceleration, just up and back over the same distance.

Answer: 30 MPH. Don't believe it?

Assume an arbitrary distance, say 60 miles (it works with any distance). Time traveling up the hill, 3 hours (60 miles/20 MPH). Time traveling down the hill, 1 hour (60 miles/60 MPH). Total distance, up and back, 120 miles. Total time, up and back, 4 hours.

120 miles/4 hours = 30 MPH. (Most people say 40 MPH).

Ouch The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 dollars. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

– Submitted by Richard Collins

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He’s one song short of a musical.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Kids Day America

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Hosted by Sasseville Chiropractic

BACK TO SCHOOL WITH THE Y Face Painting and Cookie Decorating

School Age Childcare • At the Y (Before School starting @ 6am & After School until 6pm) • Geiger Elementary (After School until 6pm) • Montello Elementary (After School until 6pm) (Serving Montello, Farwell, McMahon and Martel students)

Financial Assistance Available For Qualifying Families

Convenient • Fun & Productive • Safe & Reliable

PERSONAL TRAINING! Massages from Revelation Massage

Only $30/Hour Buy 4 sessions, get the 5th for FREE Benefits of Having a Personal Trainer • Helps balance exercise with everyday life.

• Helps you de-stress and focus.

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• Helps set attainable goals

We offer over 50 Fitness Classes a week. FREE Child Watch with all membership types!

Dental exams by Tooth Protectors Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NOVEMBER 2012

783-7039

Interested in classess too?

Ask about small group trainings

Auburn-Lewiston YMCA • Next to County Building in Auburn 795 4095 • www.alymca.org

That room was so small you couldn’t cuss at a cat without getting fur in your mouth!

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Ageless Beauty

Enter to Win!

Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy’s Digest has teamed up with Center Street Dental to bring you some very cool FREE stuff!

Contest ends 11.18.12

To enter go to our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest

$

100 Gift Card

Sweepstakes brought to you by:

to Gritty’s Brew Pub

and

Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

Be on the look out for more contests each month!

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: Long on drywall, short on studs.

"Hey, wait a minute!"

Todd interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Family owned & operated local area business for over 10 years.

Archery lessons, lanes, rentals, sales, service, & custom strings.

Read a fascinating book I just got from the Discovery Channel.

"Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Centipedes".

Not quite 8, but shooting great!

Deagan just earned his USArchery Blue pin with 200 points on the Vegas target!

Handguns Rifles Shotguns Ammo

213 Washington St. • Auburn • 783-3060 centralmainearchery.com Uncle Andy on Jimbo: The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody driving.

It's good reading, but about 60% of the book is footnotes.

Customer: “We'll have a hamburger and a Veggie Burger, please.”

Waiter: “Two burgers, one regular, one de-calf!”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He’s one pancake short of a stack.

Comprehensive Family Dental Care in a relaxing, comfortable atmosphere

Tracy, Brant, & Brody Remington Bouncy House

Now Accepting New Patients

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. 1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston I love working with the children here, we have so much fun!

(lower level)

376-4977 Financing options available Same Day Emergency Care

Bruce & Doreen Parker Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NOVEMBER 2012

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www.kevinconnellydmd.com It was so cold… pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets to keep warm.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

Having a party and don’t have time to cook?

We’ve got the answer! PICK UP & GO! Lasagna Baked Ziti Shepherd’s Pie Chicken Pot Pie Pasta Salads Meatballs Smoked Pulled Pork Wings Baked Boneless Chicken Breast

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Please allow 24 hours notice for cold pick-up, 48 for hot

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23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He could get lost in a broom closet.

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We’ve got Hot Soups made fresh daily. Come check us out!

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Specialty Pizzas: Chicken Alfredo Supreme, Hooter Supreme, Dad’s Supreme and more!

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Jimbo on Uncle Andy: If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.

Expires 11.30.12 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Frozen Tundra

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your wife."

Submitted by Richard Collins

Actual bonus question on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

YOUR TACTICAL WEAPON HEADQUARTERS SIGHTS, SCOPES & LASERS, GRIPS & MORE AMMO OF ALL TYPES, CALIBERS & QUANTITIES

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed).

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we have to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

10 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

AK’s & AR15 RIFLES

PISTOLS & SHOTGUNS

Rt. 4 in Turner • Just past Twitchell’s Airport • 225-3432 • www.G3Firearms.com

Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling off?

Why did they let the turkey join the band?

The buckle was on his hat!

Because he had the drumsticks.

Don’t be a turkey.

This holiday season is a great time to get or give a salt water tank!

Happy Thanksgiving Let us pack & ship your packages! We are now an official UPS shipper

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies •

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372 It was so cold… the politicians at city hall stopped blowing hot air.

(continued from previous page)

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He’s got toys in the attic.

Thanksgiving Dinner New Auburn Social Club

Sun. Nov. 18th starts at 2pm

Wed. Nov. 21st: Live Music

7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039

Voting for New Officers Tuesday, Nov. 13th: 10am to 6-pm

• Fresh Fried Baskets Shrimp, Haddock, Scallops, Clams includes French Fries, Coleslaw & Dinner Roll

• Fish Chowders • Lobster Stew • Clam & Seafood Chowders

Stop in and grab a quick lunch!

“If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!”

We ship anywhere in the US

22 Mill St., New Auburn • 782-3150 • Open daily 9am-6pm

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783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He’s so confused he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his behind.

of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are added, the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Or if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that. "It will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you." and take into account that I went out with her last night, then the second choice must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

Since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being.

This student received the only “A” in the class.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at East Coast Signs

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: No grain in the silo.

We’re ready for the mob...

Chris Lafrance This cash mob thing is causing more rumbling than any earthquake I’ve ever witnessed.

East Coast Sign is proud to sponsor the L/A Cash Mob! It’s a great way to promote local business!!

Tim Lafrance Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

12

& Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.

It was so cold… Grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass.

Sell your gold to a Jeweler you can trust.

Earn extra cash for the holidays!

Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House

... a fine jeweler

You re Invited!

GOLD & SILVER

Friends Fa ily & Welcm ome!

BUYING EVENT Receive complimentary services from

All About You Salon

Kyle Tervo & Hannah Lelansky

Sell $500 or more & receive a

$25 Gift Certificate Sell $1,000 or more & receive a

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$100 Gift Certificate We buy broken jewelery, 10k, 14k, 18k, 24k, Platinum & Silver, Diamonds, and unwanted jewelry. Gemstones, Sterling Flatware, Tea Sets, Watches & Coins.

All About You 41 Broad St. • Auburn, ME 207.784.5407

Riley, Matt, & Krystal Bray

Friday, November 16th 12:00pm - 5:00pm Saturday, November 17th 9:00am - 2:00pm

Look at all the people that are my size! This is great!!

Jessie, Sam & James Crabtree

... a fine jeweler

24 hour banking? I don't have time for that.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOV. 2012

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Out ’n About at Kids Day America Hosted by Sasseville Chiropractic

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He’s a quart low in the crankcase.

FOOTBALL SPECIALS $ .00 5 Quesadilla 5 Cheeseburgers Happy Hour Mon-Fri 2-7pm

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SHOCK TOP BEER PROMOTION Text to win free ski pass @Sugarloaf every Friday

FREE SNOWBOARD GIVEAWAY Drawing Dec. 28th

Bean Suppah 47 Broad Street, New Auburn

376-4959

Every Saturday Large “Andy’s Baked Bean” special

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Mr. Drew and his Animal Too!

Roller Skating = Family Fun Skate Schedule

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 Monty the Moose and Friends

www.rollodrome.com

Thursday Night

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Find us on Facebook Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

GREATER L/A’s SOURCE FOR: Tactical Weapons • Rifles & Shotguns Hand Guns • Personal & Concealed Carry Guns Ammo & Targets • Special Orders Maine State Trooper Mike Chavez and Lewiston Police Dept. taking kids fingerprints

A toothache is a pain that drives you to extraction.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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32 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-6569 Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm • Sat 9am - 2pm Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Cackles a lot, but I ain’t seen no eggs yet.

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He’s as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

Night Vision Submitted by Jimbo

*for new patients in the month of November

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

It was so cold… fire hydrants were begging the dogs to pee on them.

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"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House The battle of the cuteness is on Mr. Puppy!

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

We’ve Expanded!

Now offering $25 organic spray tans and $50 one-hour massages ~ Gift Certificates Available ~ We would like to welcome stylists Amy Janasco and Stacy Williams to the studio.

Erica Bolduc is back from maternity leave!

Nicole Lemay with Lily and puppy

Amy

Stacy

Erica

Miss Nicky and Miss Jessie with the kids

Hair • Nails • Massage Organic Spray Tanning

784-3522 Nicole Lemay, (daughter Lily) & Jessica Gendreau (owners) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

16 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

1117 Center Street • Auburn (in MetLife Plaza)

Now offering

urbanedgehairstudio.com

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: His batteries aren’t included.

Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House

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If I wasn’t having so much fun gumming my fingers I’d tell you my favorite color is pumpkin orange.

EVERYTHING Included in Rent: Rent now and get 2 FREE MONTHS!

Heat, hot water, sewer, electricity, internet, plowing, trash removal & off-street parking.

Call 576-4844 FMI

Looking for the perfect gift for him this year?

We can help you find that special truck accessory he’ll love!

Gift Certificates Available

NEW & USED TRUCK CAPS & MORE!

980 Pond Rd. • Wales, ME • 933-2493

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.

Jenny & Bennett Desmarais The Swiss Army could totally dismantle the Swedish Army if they just added an Allen wrench to their knives.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOV. 2012

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A FEW VERSES

BY O. MOULTON With a rough day ahead Be bold and courageous, Buy yourself something Completely outrageous.

Give it a whirl A toss or a try, Luck in some form Is always nearby.

Many a day Begins with a frown, When something we own Wears out or breaks down.

Home is the place Where we coddle the cat, Take out a mortgage, Make love and grow fat.

How jolly it be To wake and note That yesterday’s cares Are now remote.

3 words can raise A righteous roar: "Out of order" On a restroom door.

Who was O. Moulton?

Orman W. Moulton was born and raised in South Portland and went to South Portland High School. He graduated from Bates College with a degree in Greek and Latin. He married a girl from Auburn and accepted a position as boys activities director at the Auburn Y.M.C.A. During World War II, he was recruited by the O.S.S. and sent to Nazi occupied Greece where he was the American liaison to the Greek underground. The mar-

It was so cold… beauty contestants drew pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition.

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Jimbo on Uncle Andy: His head is so big… he has to step into his shirts.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

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782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

18 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Blocked one too many hockey pucks.

(continued from previous page)

Autocorrect: It can be your worst enema.

Enter a world of a simpler time... As you enter our shoppe, you are embraced with warm scents and a great selection of primitive, colonial and country home decor, custom made furniture and needful things!

Owners - Tammy & Gerry Charette

We have expanded!

We now fill nine rooms on two floors in a 1900’s colonial home.

Willow Tree Angels Snowmen Old World Santas Christmas Trees Garlands & Wreaths Christmas Ornaments Holiday Scents Sprays 1803 Candles Potpourri Melts Gift Certificates Available Clubs Layaways Shopping Parties

Now Open Sundays until Christmas!

Hours: Tuesday-Saturday 10-5 Sunday 11-3

35 Vernon Street Auburn 786-0992

I am sad to announce that the Origami Society has folded.

riage did not survive the long absence. He moved to Bloomington, Indiana where he earned Masters and Ph.D degrees in classical languages. He joined the faculty at I.U. where he stayed until he retired as a full professor of classical language. After retirement he liked to write short verses which were published in the local newspaper. He died at the age of 83. He was a highly intelligent, clever, remarkable man. By the way, he was my father.

Submitted by Richard Collins (who is a regular contributor to UAD)

One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words.

"Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"

As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."

Two little boys were sitting on the dock talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said, "My grandfather has a wooden leg."

The other little boy replied, "So what? My grandma has a cedar chest."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

– Steven Wright

Gift Card

BUDGET PLANS AVAILABLE

Heating Oil There is a difference...

Get yours today!

730 Center Street, Auburn Tel. (207) 376­4855

The Difference is Our Premium “Green Guard” Fuel!

www.jasminecafemaine.com On September 29, 1988, Stacy Allison became the first American woman to climb Mount Everest.

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Be prepared this winter. An energy audit now could save you money later!

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FMI Call us at 783-7039 or email:editor@UncleAndys.com

GOT HEAT?? FREE Winter Checkup With Ad Homemade Soups Daily!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

20 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

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Out ’n About at Kids Day America Hosted by Sasseville Chiropractic

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845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn I've got good gnus and I've got bad gnus", said the gnu salesman.

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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A Few by the Late Great Rodney Dangerfield “I was such an ugly kid.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

Busyness in the Kingdom does not make up for neglect of the King.

‘07 CROWN VIC ‘02 CHEVY SUBURBAN LT $

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Football Trivia What all-time great defensive end was known as ‘The Minister of Defense’?

A. Bruce Smith B. Richard Dent C. Reggie White D. Mark Gastineau Answer: C. Reggie White Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

22 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

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“I was so ugly that my mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.

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“I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

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‘06 Toyota Corolla LE, Auto, A/C 169K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘05 Toyota Corolla CE, Auto, A/C, 126K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 ‘04 Toyota Camry LE, Roof, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $8,995 ‘04 Mitsubishi Lancer Rally EDT, Sharp . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘03 Saturn LS200, Loaded, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . only $3,995 ‘02 Chevy Impala, V6, A/C, 131K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘01 Pontiac Bonneville, Alloy, Loaded, 102K . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘01 Pontiac Grand Prix GT, One Owner. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘01 Toyota Camry LE, 114K, Nice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘00 VW Passat S/W, V6, Loaded, x-clean . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,995 ‘98 Saturn S/W, 4 Cyl., AT, A/C, 86K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3,495

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I love to give homemade gifts - which one of my kids do you want?

You're thinking donuts. I'm thinking donuts. We must be éclairvoyant.

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Need Wiper Blades?

Buy one wiper blade, get the 2nd one FREE! Offer good through 12.31.12

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183 Lisbon St., Lisbon Will your wiper blades stand up to the upcoming winter weather? See Tony D. or Tony G. for this great offer!

353-9862 www.qualitycareautorepair.com

Condense soup, not books.

76 different breeds of dogs were given a series of tasks and problems (example: ability to learn) to measure their intelligence. The dogs had to be given at least 5 different tests to make the process fair.

After the results were tabulated, these are the top ten smartest dogs from 1 to 10.

1 Border Collie 2 Poodle 3 German Shepherd 4 Golden Retriever 5 Doberman Pinscher 6 Shetland Sheepdog 7 Labrador Retriever 8 Papillon 9 Rottweiler 10 Australian Cattle Dog Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOV. 2012

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Out ’n About in the Caribbean

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

aboard the Allure of the Seas

Your lucky I like tourists.

Silver medalists in the Pool Olympics:

Sue Marston & Diana Roy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

24 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Broken promises don't bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.

Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.

Out ’n About in the Caribbean aboard the Allure of the Seas This ship is 4 football fields long.

It’s pretty easy to get lost.

Tracee Pushard, Sue Marston & Diana Roy No one will recognize me behind this costume...

Football Trivia In 1997, Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders set the alltime record for 100yard rushing games in a season with how many?

A. 11 B. 12 C. 13 D. 14 Answer: D. 14 Games Carpenter's rule: cut to fit. Beat into place.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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4th Annual Holiday Craft Fair

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He’s got a dozen eggs but some are cracked.

by RSU 4 PTA

Remote Car Starters When: Saturday, Nov. 17th

Where: Oak Hill Middle School, 40 Ballpark Rd, Sabattus

Time: 9:00am - 4:00pm

Admission is free!

Join Us!!

Plenty of Holiday gifts, baked goods, door prizes, 50/50, and our famous "Pick Your Raffle". Lunch counter serving homemade soups, chowders, chili, and hotdogs.

All proceeds support the students grades K-8 from Sabattus, Litchfield and Wales.

If our remotes are good enough for Uncle Andy, they are good enough for you!

216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry Parking in back of building

8 ft table rentals are $35, please contact Kim O'Connell at Walesmaine@aol.com

www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: No hay in the loft.

& Jimbo

26 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

777-3339

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Doesn’t have all nine players on the diamond.

ATTENTION

Holiday Special $

240 of Spa Services

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This is a personal invitation for you to experience the

finest full service Day Spa in the area. Personal service in a great relaxing atmosphere is what each guest will find at Sarah Jeanne’s.

We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to sample a fine selection of our exclusive services.

Relax and Indulge.

Enjoy Life’s Finer Pleasures.

With purchase of this VIP Promotional Certificate, the holder will receive all of the following wonderful services:

Voted Lewiston and Auburn’s #1 Salon, ten years running by Markets Surveys of America

Express Manicure & Express Pedicure Hand Paraffin Treatment 60 Minute Tanning Package 30 Minute Facial 30 Minute Massage 30 Minute Tub & Sauna Men’s Haircut or Woman’s Haircut Bikini Wax 25% off Products

Any service can be up-graded to a full service

Happy Holidays From the Staff at Sarah Jeanne’s

Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa

Tuxedo & Limo Service

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • www.sarahjeannes.com

795-6778 It was so cold… polar bears were buying fur coats.

Upcoming Meeting New Volunteers Welcome!

Relay For Life Meeting Wednesday, November 7th, 6:00pm at Kaplan University, Room 5.

Please join us for more information

Newspaper Typo A preacher phoned the city's newspaper.

"Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.'

You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' - I had the biggest crowd of the year."

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.

Out ’n About

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Ask about a Fuel Injector System Cleaning

THE SHOP 353-6100 304 Lisbon St., Lisbon

www.theshopclassicrestoration.net

Kahlua

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Tuesday: Seniors’ Day Wednesday: Ladies’ Day Thursday: Veterans’ Day Yvon’s Car Care Centers

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Limit one coupon per customer.

Expires 11.30.12

Yeager & Steve Daniels Yeager is a 4 year old shire draft horse shown here with his owner.

ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES SPORT SHOP 84 Littlefield Road Auburn

782-4917 JJ a 5 year old quarter horse cross Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

28 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

(off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road) I'm excited about the insomnia convention in 2 weeks time: Only 0 sleeps to go!

What ever happened to Preparations A through G?

Out ’n About at Kids Day America Hosted by Sasseville Chiropractic

L to R: Dr. Ted Stratman, Dr. Chandra Sasseville and Lewiston Mayor; presenting the Kids Day Proclamation

L to R: Dr. Ted Stratman, Dr. Chandra Sasseville, Robyn Coleman, Ivy Gaudette & Crystal Cyr Staff of Sasseville Chiropractic

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

Zumba Demo by Hot Stuff Tanning and Wellness Center

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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A Long Walk On June 10, 1970, American David Kunst began to walk around the world. Dave started his journey in Waseca, Minnesota, with his brother John, a letter of recommendation from Sen. Hubert Humphrey, a scroll to be signed by officials along the way, $1,000 and a mule named Willie Makeit carrying camping supplies.

1,576 days later, on October 5, 1974, he completed his walk.

When traveling by ship between landmasses, he walked the decks of the ship!

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

November Specials Election Day Nov. 6th-7th Come in with your “I Voted” sticker and bowl

1 FREE game

On October 14, 1960, at 2 a.m., Senator John F. Kennedy spoke to a crowd of 10,000 cheering students at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor during a presidential campaign speech, speaking for the first time about his idea of a Peace Corps.

His young audience responded to this speech with a petition signed by 1,000 students willing to serve abroad. He established the Peace Corps on March 1, 1961, by executive order.

What could be worse than having climbed the ladder of success, only to find it is against the wrong wall.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

30 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

includes shoes

We are open on Thanksgiving!

4pm-10pm Check out our new redemption arcade!

786-2695 24 Mollison Way • Lewiston

Peace Corps

Veteran’s Day Nov. 11th Vets bowl FREE 2 games

Give ‘em the gift of a good time on the lanes! Gift certificates are available

sparetimerec.com

Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please. – Uncle Andy

What’s Going On In November at the Chick?

Super $5.95 Lunch Specials served 10:30-4 (except Sun. & Mon.) Awesome $7.95 & $8.95 After Church Specials (every Sunday) Every Tues. & Wed. is SUB DAY at the Chick - Best Subs Around

Thanksgiving Dinner To Go Order now and pick up Wed. Nov. 21st Turkey • Stuffing • Gravy • Mashed Potatoes Cranberry Sauce • Butternut Squash Dinner Rolls • Pumpkin Pie Served in a microwaveable container

only $9.95

Time to start booking your Christmas Parties Our back room holds up to 75 people Order off menu or we will custom design a menu for you

Disetoen Gotta Love the Chick!

AL-ew Chick-of 376-3870

You’re gonna like it! 1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

– Steven Wright

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams

Coffee in Bed Submitted by Jimbo

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

We love breakfast at Rolly’s – we come so often, we’re on a firstname basis with everybody.

Rolly’s is the best!

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu ut Check o ew n Rolly’s ! u n e m

Pam Pelletier & Susan Allison

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.

A Winning Team!

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

High School Math Submitted by Jimbo

The Patriots rock!

The Patriots are okay. The Digest rocks the house every month!!

Aaron, Mike, Josh, Kevin & Isaac These John F. Murphy Homes heavy hitters deliver Uncle Andy’s Digest each and every month! They do a great job and love what they do, so we decided to make them semi-famous for a month. Be sure to say hello if you see them Out ’n About. (Chris was missing at time of photo).

Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher...

"I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Now that we offer UPS Shipping, I’m going to ship myself overnight to the tropics for the weekend!

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Over 12 different varieties of pies 3 different Apple Pies Chocolate Cream Maple Cream Strawberry Blueberry Pecan & More

1/4 Cakes, 8”, 10” & more sizes Lots of varieties like Black Forest, Kahlua Espresso, Golden Reeses & More

Warm Nuts & Fresh Baked Breads

Mumma Kitty (aka The Boss) at Deep Sea Creations in New Auburn shows off her new Halloween costume.

See their ad on page 10.

Over 500 labels of wine available

Football Trivia How many seasons did the Raiders play in Los Angeles?

A. 10 B. 11 C. 12 D. 13 Answer: D. 13 Seasons The future has many names: for the fearful it's the unknown, for the reckless it's the adventure, for the pessimists it's the unattainable. For the brave, it is opportunity.

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32 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Donuts by John Frost • Cake-Raised-& Filled Donuts

y r e k a B

r a l l e C e n i &W 72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine • 353-7552

www.benoitsbakery.com Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!

2-Fer Specials Available Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday

2 Fer $14.95

2 Fer $16.95

Chicken Cordon Bleu *Chicken Tenders *Clam Cakes Liver & Onions Roast Stuffed Turkey Virginia Baked Ham Steak Chopped Sirloin Steak **Manicotti w/ garlic bread

Village Inn Baked Scrod *Fish & Chips *Fried Maine Shrimp Baked Haddock Special Baked Stuffed Haddock

You may mix meal choices at the 2 Fer $16.95 price

**Shrimp Salad or **Chef Salad

w/ shrimp stuffing

Broiled Haddock Steak Tips w/onions (plain or teriyaki)

All meals served with choice of potato & vegetable with the following exceptions: *served with french fries & cole slaw • **served as is (no sides) All meals served with rolls & butter

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. – Steven Wright

Pre-Thanksgiving Wednesday, Nov. 21st 8pm - close

BASH

Live Music • Prizes • Giveaways

Serving Prime Rib Thur. - Sat.

Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House Flippin’ burgers & takin’ names! And not necessarily in that order.

Happy Hour Every Day 4pm-7pm

LIVE ENTERTAINMENT EVERY WEDNESDAY - SATURDAY

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.-Thurs. 3pm-close • Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) Dear Journal: I've figured out what's been causing my writer's cramp, that's why this is my last entry.

Brendon Tervo Grillmaster Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Bagel Storm Submitted by Jimbo

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Open Thanksgiving Day at 4pm

Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner 1/2 Pr ic e with all the fixin’s D r a f ts 9pm-m id n Catch all the games in HD

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man.

"One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?"

Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Full Menu Available

igh t

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com The first sight of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Wall of Fame Inductee!

GOING TO THE CASINO?

Fame and fortune? Nah, I was just hungry!

STOP HERE FIRST! You’ll have better luck on a full stomach... guaranteed!

Shane Corcoran of Poland

In 1833, the New York Sun hired the first newsboy, Barney Flaherty.

Ten-year-old Barney answered an advertisement which read "To the Unemployed a number of steady men can find employment by vending this paper."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

34 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

We approve this message!

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Jimbo on Uncle Andy: His slinky’s kinked.

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: Receiver is off the hook.

Slow Train Submitted by Jimbo

COME EXPERIENCE L/A’S BEST

EV E Party & FUSION IDOL SEASON 3 FINALE

CELEBRITY JUDGES DRINK SPECIALS COME SEE WHO WINS!

A passenger train was creeping along painfully slowly when finally it creaked to a complete halt.

One passenger saw a conductor walking by outside and yelled, "What's going on?"

"Cow on the track!" replied the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes, it stopped again.

The same woman saw the same conductor walking by again and leaned out the window and yelled, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?

"I know you've heard it a thousand times before. But it's true -hard work pays off. If you want to be good, you have to practice, practice, practice. If you don't love something, then don't do it."

– Ray Bradbury I was out shopping when a fight broke out between a dentist and a manicurist.

@ Ramada Inn 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston

576-6384

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.

You should have seen the two of 'em, going after each other tooth and nail.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About with the Rainbow Credit Union’s staff for their Member Appreciation Week

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: One clown short of a circus.

TIME TO CASH IN! Special pricing for quantities and contractors!

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/better payout

Wanda Charest Labadies Whoopie Pies were a big hit

Catalytic Converters

N NOW OPE YS SATURDA

Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Core’s

Brass • Alternators • Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Tammy Strout A BIG Whoopie shout out to all of our members!

Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes) We’ll help you unload.

We look forward to seeing you!

My job is to write YOU a big check!

Nobody pays higher prices then us. Stop by and see for yourself.

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Dawn Snowdeal Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

36 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Gary McCraw (L) Lennie Shanahan (R)

Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm 615-7057 or 795-8887

Bev & Peter

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

It was so cold… we were afraid that Hell actually was freezing over.

Does Your Business need help building or maintaining a 21st Century Website?

Out ’n About with the Rainbow Credit Union’s staff for their Member Appreciation Week

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Laurie Allen I love Whoopie pies almost as much as I love our members!

It was so cold… the Statue of Liberty stuck her torch under her robe.

NO ORDER TOO SMALL And no minimum purchases! Call us for a FREE quote!!

Textile & Paper Wipes

• Sorbents & Safety Supplies • Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners • Breakroom & Food Service • Chemicals & Cleaners • Packaging • Skin Care • And More!

Lizzy Snyder

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A! 120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com WACKY DEFINITIONS: Prince Charming...Reignbeau

Bucket List "Well, I'm off to Home Depot - need to buy a couple of large pails for some outside chores, a medium pail for some inside washing, and maybe a small pail for taking to the beach.

And there you have it; that's my bucket list."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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D.I.Y. Repair Submitted by Jimbo

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

Try one of our most popular dishes Pumpkin Curry

Hawaiian Cashew Nut

Pumpkin, carrot, long hot pepper, basil, coconut milk, w/chicken, beef or shrimp

Pineapple, cashew nuts, scallions, sweet & sour Sri-a-cha sauce w/ shrimp or chicken

Lunch $ Special 6.99 Only

65 College Street, Lewiston

376-4852 www.purethaikitchen.com

Every day 11am – 3 pm Includes FREE appetizer

Mon - Thurs 11 AM - 9 PM • Fri - Sat 11 AM - 10 PM • Sun 12 PM - 9 PM

L/A Cash Mob - Part Trios

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Morons

As part of the kick off to the Dempsey Challenge, the third local Cash Mob took place. No one knew who was getting mobbed until moments before the event. Maine Gourmet Chocolate in Lewiston was the lucky recipient!

These mobbers were armed with twenty dollar bills as they stormed the knowing business.

Learn more on Facebook. www.facebook.com/LACashMob

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.

My ten-year-old son looked at me in disbelief.

"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" he said.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

38 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Scabby..strike breaking taxi drivers

Substitute Teacher

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Polarize... A cold stare

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am (All breakfast specials include coffee)

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00

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Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!

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Expires 11.30.12

BRING IN YOUR PHOTOS FOR FRAMING &

GET 25% OFF (Must mention this ad for discount)

Submitted by Jimbo

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

Fearless 23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 • www.DandRFraming.com

Hunting Season is HERE! Don’t Miss our BIG Sale!

We buy, sell & trade

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn 777-3579

Call for N.R. the nex A. P t Cou istol rse

Full Line Gunsmith Service

Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

"Be fearless. Have the courage to take risks.

Go where there are no guarantees. Get out of your comfort zone even if it means being uncomfortable. The road less traveled is sometimes fraught with barricades bumps and uncharted terrain. But it is on that road where your character is truly tested. And have the courage to accept that you're not perfect, nothing is and no one is -- and that's OK."

9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy. – Steven Wright

– Katie Couric Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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The Popsicle The Popsicle was originally developed by 11year-old Frank Epperson in 1905. He had left his fruit-flavored soda outside on the porch with a stir stick in it and the drink froze to the stick. It took 18 more years for Epperson to apply for a patent for a "frozen ice on a stick" called the Epsicle ice pop, which his children re-named the Popsicle.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Help us celebrate our 5 Year Anniversary!

Stop in to enter drawings for great prizes throughout November

...to our community for all of the support!!

Fashionable The classic bowling shirt was designed in 1921 and forever changed our weekend wardrobe! The short sleeves and box design meant that the material didn't interfere with the bowling. The cotton blend of the material meant that it was comfortable to wear.

And the block colors meant that teams could be easily identified in busy rinks during competitions.

Football Trivia In what year did the NFL require all teams to display the names of players on their jerseys?

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm

Locally Owned & Operated

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

Avoid MAYHEM! I have a very important message for you that will appear later on in the Digest.

EVERYONE of you need to read it.

So pay attention!

A. 1940 B. 1950 C. 1960 D. 1970 Answer: D. 1970 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

40 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...I get to the end and say "well, that's never going to happen.

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." – Abraham Lincoln

Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

MONDAY The Fergy

TUESDAY Meatball Subs

All aboard the pony express!

WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99 Hey, when do we get a ride?

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

free burgers For Veterans 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885 www.macsgrill.com

Pony Express

mondays Beer Special $ 50 2 Pints 20% OFF All Burgers

Veteran’s Day $ Sunday, Nov. 11th Any Lunch Special

2 OFF

Bring your military ID or DD-214

with this coupon

Limit 1 per person

Cannot be combined with any other special.

One coupon per person.

Gift Cards Available

✁Expires 11.30.12

UAD

Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the Androscoggin Network Builders Chapter of BNI for their trade show

Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.

BIG GUNS FOR THE BIG 5 Bear

Andy Kolkhorst Champoux Insurance

Deer Moose

WE BUY, SELL & TRADE

Teradactyl John Blanchette Champoux Insurance

Bigfoot Available at...

Austin Albert

481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm

Twin City Financial Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

42 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Spot Remover... Dog Catcher

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Pedicurist...Cliptoemaniac

Football Trivia Former NFL running back Craig Heyward, who played for five teams from 1988-1998, earned this nickname with his punishing style of running the ball.

A. Iron Head B. Bowling Ball C. Freight Train D. Cannonball Answer: A. Iron Head Keep reading to find out more...

1.

Who are these mysterious people and what are they doing?

willowrundental.com

Willo w

Geraldine Schneider, DMD Scott Beckerman, DMD Jeffrey Sloan, DDS

n Dent Ru

• Family cosmetic dentistry • Emergency same-day care • Most insurance plans accepted

soc.

As al

Now accepting new patients

Willow Run Dental Association

783-0261 One Willow Run Unit 1-B Auburn, ME

Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

Football Trivia Dallas Cowboys defensive end Ed Jones lived up to his nickname by consistently batting down opposing quarterbacks' passes.

A. The Giant B. Stepladder C. Stilts D. Too Tall Answer: D. Too Tall

new em! r u o st Try ing sy iten wh

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the Androscoggin Network Builders Chapter of BNI for their trade show

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

SNOW PLOWING & REMOVAL COMMERCIAL ONLY Affordable & Dependable • Draining • Driveways • Septic Systems • General Excavation • Storm Clean-ups

Fred Collins

CHENARD EXCAVATION Gerry Greg

FIREWOOD $250/CORD 576-3914 DELIVERED

576-2778

Collins Carpet Cleaning

See page 63 to see just one of the many things we offer!

ASK YOUR UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST SALES REP ABOUT OUR

Marketing Package!

It’s it’s NEW, !

HOT!

FMI Call us at 783-7039 or email: editor@UncleAndys.com Girard Boucher V&G Home Improvements

Enjoyable Eats For All Occasions

We Do

• Weddings • Birthdays • Reunions • Grand Openings • Showers and other special events

Bob DeBlois Regency Mortgage Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

44 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

214-3169 www.YummoCarts.com

Carnival Catering Soft Pretzels Funnel Cake Popcorn Cookies Cotton Candy Nachos ...and More!

Special Offer on Cotton Candy Birthdays

Yummo Carts

Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.

Out ’n About at the Androscoggin Network Builders Chapter of BNI for their trade show

Above all else: Sky.

3rd Annual

Holiday Buster e Weight Loss Challeng

FITNESS JOIN US for 8 weeks of Nutrition & Exercise Challenges Punishment Workouts • Team Building PURE Motivation!

Mayhem can strike at any time! Call me, I'll protect you!

Register as a team of3+ and save $20/ea on your sign-up fees!

For full details & pricing visit www.SPRQStudio.com

Upcoming in November Fri. Nov. 2nd: Ladies Night at Roaring Brook Nurseries in Wales Thurs. Nov. 8th: Diva Mall at Lost Valley in Auburn Sat. Nov. 10th: Hula Hoop & Yoga+Core Workshop at SPRQ Sabattus 10:30am-1:30pm, Lunch/beverage included. ($20 for SPRQ Members/$35 non-members)

754-9411 Primary Location: 20 Main Street, Sabattus (2nd floor)

View class calendar & upcoming session details online at

www.SPRQstudio.com

Classes offered in Sabattus, Lisbon Falls & Poland/Minot. Fun for the whole family!

Rick Moylan Allstate Insurance

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. – Steven Wright

Out ’n About at the Village Inn

Last month Jimbo published photos from the Habitat for Humanity golf tournament and failed to mention that we won 1st place net that day. He tried to blame Travis for the mistake, but I know better!

Lisa & Gary St. Pierre Saints Paint Plus

Football Trivia What position did Oakland Raiders Hall of Famer Art Shell play?

A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.

Answer: C. Offensive Tackle

Praxis Production Studios filming Mike & Joe Adkins of Smile Again Dentures

A. Center B. Offensive Guard C. Offensive Tackle D. Tight End

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Chit Chat Solution Submitted by Jimbo

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

In 1534, French explorer Jacques Cartier discovered the Prince Edward Islands. Prince Edward Island is a Canadian province consisting of numerous other islands. It lies in the Gulf of St. Lawrence, surrounded by the Nova Scotia peninsula, New Brunswick and Cape Breton Island.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

46 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."

Helping our patients achieve extraordinary dental health.

Now accepting new patients.

Wide-Ranging Services Our dental services include crowns, bridges, dentures, dental extractions, tooth whitening, cosmetic dentistry, root canal, fluoride treatment, and all other major areas of dentistry.

Taylor Brook Dental Our dentists serve patients in Auburn, Lewiston, Poland, Minot, and surrounding towns. We are here to provide quality, comprehensive dental treatment in a friendly, caring atmosphere. Our goal is to help the patient achieve optimal dental heath throughout their lifetime.

We accept most Insurances

TAYLOR BROOK

784-1577

DENTAL ASSOCIATES

27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN

TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

It was so cold… the fog froze.

Out ’n About at the Androscoggin Network Builders Chapter of BNI for their trade show

Members of Androscoggin Network Builders who participated in the recent trade show.

Out ’n About with the Rainbow Credit Union’s staff for their Member Appreciation Week

1,000 SF of Professional Office Space right off Center Street in Auburn

Available Immediately

Jean Saunders, Rose-Marie Buker, Jodi Fox, Velora Tuominen & Emma Lewis

Everything Included in Rent: Heat, hot water, sewer, electricity, internet, plowing, trash removal & off-street parking.

Call 576-4844 FMI RENT NOW & get 2 months

FREE!

Caitlin, Angie & Courtney Cunliffe happened to catch Patrick Dempsey along his bike route during the Dempsey Challenge.

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.

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The real power behind whatever success I have now was something I found within myself something thats in all of us, I think, a little piece of God just waiting to be discovered.

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

– Tina Turner Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety.

Pure risk leads to selfdestruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.

2.

Still don’t know who they are?

Keep reading...

Pic #1 on page 43

Football Trivia Smart enough to earn a law degree, this former Chargers offensive tackle was nicknamed "The Intellectual Assassin."

A. Ron Mix B. Booker Brown C. Russ Washington D. Billy Shields Answer: A. Ron Mix Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

48 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Protect Yourself.

We’ll teach you how.

NRA Certified Instruction

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced Don Mailhot NRA - Law Enforcement 576-5131

Roland Levasseur NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight 212-0608

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He doesn’t have both chop sticks in the chop suey.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: His head whistles in a cross wind.

Out ’n About at the Village Inn It’s nice to finally be on the other end of the camera.

Colby Michaud Praxis Production Studios

We turned down filming PSY’s next music video so we could land the big Uncle Andy’s Digest gig!

The Cold Hard Facts: 1) It takes your eyes off the road on average of five seconds at a time. At 55 mph, that's like driving the length of a football field - completely blind.

2) It's like driving after having 4 beers.

3) It makes us 23 times more likely to crash.

4) It results in car crashes that kill an average of 11 teens each day.

5) It's results in 330,000 distracted driving injuries every year.

Info from All State Insurance

AVOID MAYHEM

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He’s knitting with only one needle.

Chad Sylvester Praxis Production Studios

Nancy Bard Great Falls Credit Union Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He’s so thick that mind readers charge him half price.

GIVE THE GIFT OF MUSIC! GIFT CERTIFICATES ARE AVAILABLE! Offering lessons in: • Guitar

• Voice • Violin

Instrument Sales & Service

Authorized Service Center

• Piano • Banjo • Music theory

• Bass • Mandolin • Brass & Woodwinds

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

376-3376

134 Main Street, Auburn www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Birds cannot go into outer space, because they use gravity to assist them in swallowing, so they'd quickly choke and die in a non-gravity environment.

Office Work Submitted by Jimbo

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

Gronk, spike that sandwich like it was a football.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"Please don't!" said the dog. "If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.

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50 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Sam Roy with Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski of the New England Patriots

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Searsucker..A believer in fortune-tellers

I doubt therefore I might be.

Family Time

K N I TH Front: Conrad & Jared II Back: Jared & Jenn Dunnington photo credit: Mindy Ward (mindyward.com)

USE OUR

Out ’n About at Rhymes & Reasons Early Learning Center For their Open House

ADVERTISERS

FIRST

Adam Marden, Grammy Beth, Jenny Marden, & Cadence Marden

Tell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent ya!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.

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Football Trivia In what year was the "in the grasp" rule first put into use by the NFL?

Uncle Andy Lost His Turkey

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Scarcity...Ghost Town

A. 1976 B. 1979 C. 1982 D. 1985 Answer: B. 1979

Did You Know?

There have been two US father and son recipients of the Medal of Honor. General Arthur MacArthur (Civil War) and General of the Army, Douglas MacArthur; and Theodore Roosevelt (Colonel - Rough Riders) and General Theodore Roosevelt World War II. General Roosevelt was the first general officer ashore on Omaha Beach. He won the Medal of Honor for gallantry under fire and for rallying his troops to keep moving. General Roosevelt died a month later of a heart attack.

Future president Theodore Roosevelt’s mother and his wife died in his house on the same day - February 14, 1884. His mother died in the morning in an upstairs bedroom. His wife died in the afternoon in a downstairs bedroom of Bright’s disease, two days after giving birth to their daughter, Alice.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

52 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

That Little Barber Shop always got your back!

Brittany Legare

The Legare boys: Richard, Don & Gerry

cutting Peter’s hair at That Little Barber Shop in Lewiston

We tried to get them to tell us why they were all wearing animal shirts... something about it being Brittany’s idea?

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Skinny-dip...Low calorie party snack

"Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer."

– William S. Burroughs

Life After Death

BACKGROUND CHECKS

– Submitted by Richard Collins

Pre-Employment Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

includes: • SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal History • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list

$45.00

Tenant Screening

$49.99

"Yes sir," the new employee replied.

"Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you."

State and National Criminal History

includes: • SSN verification/Address verification • InstaNational criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list • Trans Union Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states)

A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00 Education verification....................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification......................................10.00 Professional License verifications.................................10.00 Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ................................................11.00

Other verification and Private Investigator services are available.

All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability.

Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations.

Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.

Little Uncle Andy asked his Grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Little Uncle Andy thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

– Submitted by Richard Collins

Shortly after Lyndon Johnson assumed the Presidency, he was asked if he was going to replace J. Edgar Hoover.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS

Johnson replied, "No! He’s like a skunk. I’d rather have him inside the tent pissin’ out than outside pissin’ in."

577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com

– Submitted by Richard Collins

Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

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"Success comes in a lot of ways, but it doesn't come with money and it doesn't come with fame. It comes from having a meaning in your life, doing what you love and being passionate about what you do. That's having a life of success. When you have the ability to do what you love, love what you do and have the ability to impact people. That's having a life of success. That's what having a life of meaning is."

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." – Chris Needles

– Tim Tebow

Circus History The first Ringling Brothers circus performed in 1884. It was formed by five of the seven Ringling Brothers: Albert, August, Otto, Alfred, Charles, John, and Henry. In 1907 it acquired the Barnum & Bailey Circus, merging them in 1919 to become Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, promoted as The Greatest Show on Earth.

You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear, “May the Force be with you.”

You have an overwhelming urge to respond, “and also with you.”

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54 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Denial: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing Call Before it Snows!

Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille Come try our three alarm hot wings! They are HOT, HOT, HOT!

COMMERCIAL SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING SNOW REMOVAL

FREE QUOTES

Morin avating exc

Inc.

Andy Morin 207.784.8293 cell: 207.576.4714 amorinexc@roadrunner.com

Erin Bryant & Casey Girardin

Lifelong Friends Myles Weinberg, Jack Marsh & Doris Weinburg celebrating 88 years of friendship

Out ’n About at Hair by Gregory’s My Sister from another Mister!

Life doesn’t get any better than these two old friends!

Linda & Tina Major League Baseball Fact Submitted by Richard Collins

Building Packages starting at

$149,900 • Custom Homes & Remodeling • Energy Efficient Homes & Projects • Energy Audits

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: He wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.

Andruw Jones, currently with the New York Yankees, is the only teen-ager to hit a home run in a World Series game.

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Out ’n About at the Village Inn

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: If dumb were dirt, he’d be an acre.

Call my sister at Great Falls Credit Union for a great snowmobile loan!

Dennis Bard

You’re Invited

Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!

Supannee Saengwong & Alex Perreault

SANTA’S FAVORITE GIFT TO DELIVER

Jasmine Cafe

Best prices around on Hot Tubs!

They better serve Pepsi here or I’m leaving!

(Indoor and Outdoor) 25 Years Experience.

Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service.

Pool Builders of Maine Jen & Nick Hogan Jen is from Community Credit Union Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

56 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

We Service all brands of hot tubs!

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn

795-7222 poolbuildersofmaine.com

Uncle Andy on Jimbo: Dock doesn’t quite reach the water.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: Someone blew out his pilot light.

Hair by Gregory’s Welcomes Harrison

Taylor-Paige Harrison Hair By Gregory's would like to welcome TaylorPaige Harrison to their salon! Taylor comes with 12 years experience in the hair industry, specializing in multi-dimensional hair color as well as color educator and platform artist work. Taylor welcomes existing clients as well as new ones to come learn more about your hair at Hair By Gregory. Call today for your appointment: 786-0112

Fit Out "I think fitting in is highly overrated. I'd rather just fit out...

Fitting out means being who you are, even when people insist that you have to change. Fitting out means taking up space, not apologizing for yourself, and not agreeing with those who seek to label you with stereotypes."

– Golda Poretsky Uncle Andy on Jimbo: A couple of blocks behind the parade.

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Out ’n About in the Caribbean

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Sinister...Errant evangelist

aboard the Allure of the Seas

All smiles after doing the Zip Line

Diana & Larry Roy, Tracee Pushard & Jimbo (the other two in our group “just wanted to watch”)

Our favorite hunting guns!

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Do not neglect your Septic System

Service Rental Sales

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

Bruce Nadeau, Chris Jordan & Mark Nolan

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.

at G3 Firearms in Turner

Game Time Backgammon is the oldest known board game in history. Artifacts show that it existed around 3000 BC. It is a deceptively simple competition in which playing pieces are moved according to the roll of dice. The winner is the first to remove all his pieces.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

58 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

"If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it.

Out ’n About at the Village Inn Finally!

My 15 minutes of fame, appearing in the pages of the Digest.

Derek Dube Lake City Exports

I added some much needed SPRQ to this event!

Kelli Gilzow SPRQ Studios

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

– John Wooden 9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

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Second Time

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: His gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.

Submitted by Jimbo

A woman takes her 16year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 w/ potatoes, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls

Tues. Wed. & Thurs.

Fried Clams . .sm. $11.99 . . . . .lg. $15.79

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda.

She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . .$6.99 w/potato & rolls

Thursday - New England Boiled Dinner . . .$9.99 w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM

Prime Rib Au Jus* Small $13.99 • Large $16.79

Friday, Saturday & Sunday

Fried Haddock* $11.99 The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.

I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

60 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Stop in and try one of our delicious bowls of soup or chowder. They’re a big hit!

Grilled Salmon* $11.49 *with Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Cory Edgerly of New Gloucester Hours: Sunday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday & Saturday 6am – 9:30pm

Line & Prep Cook since 2007

64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

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Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

It was so cold… sheep were demanding their wool back.

Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree?

No? Well then, you know it works.

Book your Holiday Season Cuts & Styles early!

Gift certificates make great gifts, too!

Our Services Cuts & Styles Waxing Colors Manicures Highlights Pedicures Reflexology

Shellac Nails Acrylic Nails Facials

studio for hair, nails & massage

20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday Find us on Facebook

782-9009

www.panacheauburn.com It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.

Velora Piper, Rose Emery & Darlene Boyd at Better Than Average Cafe in McFalls

One night I walked down to the local convenience store. The guy was just closing. I said, "Why are you closing? Your sign says open 24 hours." The guy says, "Yeah, but not in a row."

– Steven Wright Submitted by Richard Collins

It is yummy!

This place is Better Than Average!

A great spot for lunch!

Actual answering machine message: Hi! John’s answering machine is broken.

This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly and I will stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Submitted by Richard Collins

Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Out ’n About at the Village Inn

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

Everyone knows I smoked Joe at trivia & Jeopardy!

Harvey Metals Superior Grading & Pricing Maine’s Largest Catalytic Converter Buyer

Family Owned & Operated Joe Adkins & Robyn Plourde Joe is with Smile Again Dentures

Fried Foods I decided to lay off the fried foods... so if anybody has work for them, I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

TOP PRICES PAID! We buy: Aluminum Wheels $15/each Batteries $10/each Brass • Copper • Radiators Catalytic Converters Cell Phones • Tin And More!

Confidence Sells "Confidence sells -people believe in those who believe in themselves. No one wants to be stuck in a room with other people who feel like they don't deserve to be there. Stop wondering if you're good enough. Know you are, and start acting like it."

Hours: Monday - Friday 8-4; Saturday 9-3 Other times by appointment

41 Capital Avenue, Lisbon Falls (off Rt. 196, near Rite Aid)

353-JUNK (5865) • HarveyMetals.com

– Simon Black Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

62 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Pacifist...Cannibal’s dinner request

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

NOW LEASING - Healy Terrace 81 Ash Street, Lewiston

Now Enrolling!

Mention this ad to have your $35 enrollment fee waived

375-4500

• Clean, friendly • Centrally located, environment minutes from L/A area • Full curriculum for all ages

Spacious, contemporary 1 and 2 bedroom units in newly renovated historic building. Elderly 55 plus, non-smoking, Section 8 assisted, elevator, laundry, free parking on site. Fully applianced, heat, hot water, wireless internet included. Accessible units available.

Apply at Lewiston Housing Authority 1 College Street, Lewiston

207-783-1423

820 Sawyer Rd., Greene

8:00am - 5:00pm, Monday - Friday

V&G Home Improvements

212-7791

Visit us online:

myselco.com

WOOD & PELLET STOVES

ON SALE NOW

1525 Lisbon Street Lewiston ME, 04240 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Fax: 783-2873 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

Residential & Small Commercial

HONORING

ALL WHO SERVED!

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

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$

PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

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DOLMAR

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

743-3891

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

Any Color Service

5 OFF

That Little Barber Shop

HARRIS BROS.

9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston (off Lisbon St.)

312-5478 SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

Cosmetologist Brittany Legare

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Spanking...Bum rap

Tues, Thurs, Fri. 9am-5pm • Wed. & Sat. 8am-noon

Walk-ins welcome Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Dieting Dads

It was so cold… we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.

Submitted by Jimbo

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him.

In addition to the healthy items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

REFURBISHED SPA SALE with prices as low as $

1,200

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."

Brand new PDC spas in stock too!

"Why is that?" the mother asked.

1975 LISBON ST., RT. 196, LEWISTON

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

Just 2 miles east of Exit 80 Open Year Round, Since 1962 • Mon-Fri 9-5 • Sat 9-4

ABCPOOL.COM • 783-0858 • 1-800-244-0858

Football Trivia It was so cold… when I turned on the shower – I got sleet.

What star quarterback first coined the term "Hail Mary" to describe a late-game desperation pass into the end zone?

A. Roger Staubach B. Terry Bradshaw C. Bob Griese D. Joe Namath

Kelly

Michael

Tina

Terry

Nuria

Taylor

Linda

Kathy

Answer: A. Roger Staubach Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany was Commander in Chief of all German forces during World War 1. He was the grandson of Britain’s Queen Victoria.

– Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

64 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Cory

Kellyann

See us for your Holiday Season Styles & Gift Cards

786-0112 392 Center Street It was so cold… the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch.

WANTED

WANTED For Snuggling Blaze

For Biggest Bark Moose

2012 attending since June

Est. 2008

attending since October 2012

65 Washington St., Dog Grooming Auburn, ME 04210 Daycare & Boutique (207) 333-3640 The only fully-staffed, cage-free, one-stop shop doggy daycare facility that offers 6,000 sq. ft. of climate-controlled indoor play area, and 20,000 sq. ft. of outdoor play area for small, medium and large dogs!

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT thedoggzinn@gmail.com • www.facebook.com/thedoggzinn

http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

D E T N A W For Exceeding Maximum Capacity

Sophie & l e n a h C , e b e o Ph 12 nding since July 20 atte

WANTED

For Excessive Zoom Izzie

attending since Aug. 2010

ies

OUT ’N ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE

Happy Thanksgiving Uncle Andy’s Digesters. It seems like I was just wishing all of you loyal digesters a happy and prosperous New Year and BOOM its November. But hey I love November other than dealing with the after Halloween sugar crash from eating all the candy the trick or treaters did not obtain, thinking how your better half was right and you did not need to buy the extra bag of candy because you only had a few patrons in years past. As you ram the “fun sized” Almond Joy in your mouth that you have half a bag left of, because kids don’t like candy with almonds’.

Now gearing up for the holidays and the frigid weather, which in nothing but inevitable, you might want to give my old classmate Scott Feldman a call at his shop “Sound Effects”. He installs everything from sub woofas to car starters. So whether you need to turn up the vibrations to keep warm in the winter months or just start the car from the front door in your bathrobe, Scott can fix ya right up. On a side note I lost count of how many times Scott struck me out during Auburn Suburban Little League. Man what a heater he had. “Total pun intended.”

After you visit Sound Effects stop in at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli. Now Stop right there I know we New Englanders have been trained to hate everything New York but Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli is an exception, they were born in Brooklyn, but Raised in Maine and they are celebrating 5 years of outstanding service so get over there and get some food! Trust me you will love it!

Now since November is the month for giving thanks I want to give a special thanks to an individual who has been a true asset to my life. This man was always a positive influence and great mentor whether I needed advice on life, a swift kick in the behind to stay in line or just a friendly wave from across the field. I want to thank Mr. Richard Osgood on behalf of me and all the other youth he has interacted with in the community from PAL baseball to his many years as a teacher at EL high school. It has truly been my privilege to have Mr. Richard Osgood as mentor, teacher, and friend. So in this time of thanksgiving a special personal thanks to you Mr. Osgood and to all you other digesters make sure you give praise to those in your life who have been there for you and will continue to do so for years to come. Until next month digesters I give thanks to you for reading my malarkey and digest now, digest often, digest always.

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Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be damned!

November 30, 2012

The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.

Out ’n About at Adrien “Drig” Fournier’s 80th Birthday Bash

SURPRISE!

Jimbo to Uncle Andy: This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.

Ready to take your business mobile?

Your business needs to be where your customers are looking for you!

“80% of them have a phone in their pocket” We specialize in:

Scan this QR Code with your smart phone for more info

• Mobile Websites • QR Codes • SMS Marketing • Mobile Coupons and much more...

Let our mobile experts help you!

Adrien “Drig” Fournier is totally bamboozled by his lovely bride, Rita Fournier Rita works at Rolly’s Diner as a waitress. Drig loves golf and the Red Sox, golfers see him as the greeter at Fox Ridge Golf Course.

Ok, who’s bright idea was this anyway?

www.mainemobilemedia.com • or call 207-809-2484 Today's subliminal thought is:

LOVE is in the air It's never too late for Love!

Drig sporting the enemy’s shirt!

Trivia Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: Do-ya-think-hesaw-us?

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Irving Grant (86 years young) admiring the beautiful diamond engagement ring and band he just purchased at Republic Jewelry for his lovely fiancee, Opal Duchette (83 years young). This wonderful couple is getting married in November.

Congratulations from all of us at Republic Jewelry and Uncle Andy’s Digest!

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!

Football Trivia Which NFL team drafted University of Louisville quarterback Johnny Unitas in 1955?

Distracted in Vegas

A. Pittsburgh Steelers B. Baltimore Colts C. Cleveland Browns D. Philadelphia Eagles

Meet my new friends!

Answer: A. Pittsburgh Steelers A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.

Duncan Webster went to Las Vegas to scope it out for a potential Las Vegas edition of Uncle Andy’s Digest. This was all he sent back. Do you think he might have been a little distracted?

Submitted by Richard Collins

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

Welcome to the team!

Happy Thanm kasllgoivf uins!g

Ann Dumais

Kelly Giambra

Sue Poulin

Kim Galgovitch

Lisa Olmstead

Pauline Guimond

Lysa Ronan

Valerie Kelshaw

fro

We are a full service salon...

Angela Brissette Recently graduated from Empire Beauty Schools

HOLIDAY SPECIAL Bring a friend and get 50% OFF your service by booking an appt. with Angela

• • • •

Colors • Manicures Cuts • Waxing Foils • Eyelash Tinting Pedicures

Get Your Hair Done Before Work!

We’re open at 6:00am 4 days a week!!

Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm • Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A, Highland Spring Road, Lewiston • 786-4311 Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

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Ron Eby of Windham Automotive is one of four finalists in the country for the: The Betty Jane France Humanitarian Award honors the passionate commitment Betty Jane France has demonstrated with her charitable works and community efforts.

France has been a pioneer of charitable works in the NASCAR community and serves as Chairwoman and founder of The NASCAR Foundation.

The winner of the 2012 Betty Jane France Humanitarian Award will receive a $100,000 donation from The NASCAR Foundation to their children’s charity of choice and a 2013 Toyota Camry Hybrid from Toyota, while each of the remaining three finalists will receive a $25,000 donation to their children’s charity of choice. All finalists will attend NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Champion’s Week where the winner will be announced.

Please vote for Ron Eby!

Located on Sebago Lake in Casco, Maine

VOTE and SHARE, show YOU care.

Take a minute, help RON win it!

If he wins, Camp Sunshine will be the recipient of $100,000. A retreat for children with lifethreatening illnesses and their families

Ron Eby

FMI: Contact Ron at Windham Automotive, 385 Roosevelt Trail in Windham or call 892-1212.

Go to www.nascar.com/award Vote today and everyday through November 29th

Out ’n About at Adrien “Drig” Fournier’s 80th Birthday Bash

No President of the United States was an only child.

Hang on, Anna.

I’ve got to do something about this shirt!

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

We can’t have the evil empire in our picture together...

Out ’n About Calling all Veterans...

Anna Fournier with Drig Fournier See page 41 for more information!

Every Veteran gets a free burger at Mac’s Grill on Sunday, Nov. 11th.

Gerry & Michelle Gagne and Mike Peters of Mac’s Grill Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

"I missed one?"

– Colonel Sanders – Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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Marriage Vows Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Marjorie, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

Jimbo to Uncle Andy: Write your questions down on the back of your $20 dollar bills and send them to me.

Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family.”

Assisting Families since 1997

Who we are...

• • • •

Registered home health care service agency 24 hour personal care and response team Guarantee continuity of caregivers Assist with independent living at home

550 College St., Lewiston • 783-7375 • www.assistedhomecare.org

3.

Pic #1 on page 43 Pic #2 on page 48

Front: Sue Marston, Diana Roy & Tracee Pushard. Back: Jimbo Marston, Larry Roy & Jon Jordan On vacation with great friends aboard the Allure of the Seas

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

– Submitted by Richard Collins

In 1965, the Beatles went to the Beverly Hills mansion of Elvis Presley. It was the first and only time the two legends would meet.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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Let us do what we do BEST So you can do what you do BEST Call us today for a no obligation consultation to see if we can help you do business better!

RCC Business Services, Inc. Financial & Advisory Services for Small Businesses 143 First Flight Drive, Auburn • 795-0663 www.RCCmaine.com

 QuickBooks Consulting  QuickBooks Hosting  Bookkeeping  MaineCare Billing  Accounts Receivable Management  Financial Reporting

Proadvisors, for confidence Certified Staff, for training Hosting, for virtual support

If Tiger lost his woods, would that be an example of irony?

Out ’n About at Backwoods Snowboards

Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!

✂

WOOD PELLETS $225/ton

$ OFF /ton 100% Maine Wood Pellets

10

✂

Uncle Andy, you’re one strange dude. We do NOT do Brazilian waxes here!

Must present coupon at our office One coupon per person/Expires 11.30.12

$ave on heating costs Environmentally Friendly

ESMPELLETS.COM ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn 783-7126

Regan Fotter applies hot wax to a snowboard I don’t always wax, but when I do it’s Burton wax for me.

Stay slick my friends!

Danny Davis cut out on display

Did you drive by your dream home?

From Biddeford to Bangor... we can show you any listing you desire!

Brian & Tracie Vye 207.577.7937

Legacy Realty 681 Sabattus St, Lewiston 207.376.4830 Brian-Tracie@Legacy-Realty.com

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

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Out ’n About at Adrien “Drig” Fournier’s 80th Birthday Bash

It was so cold… birds were inviting cats into their nests for warmth.

Better Than Average LLC Maine Made Gift Shop Jams • Jellies • Sauces NOW Open ANDY UNCLE IT RATES IC! T S FANTA

All made fresh & local “Come try us out, you won’t be disappointed!”

Sun, Mon, Thurs-Sat. 8am-2pm Closed Tues. & Wed.

$ OFF ✂

Shannon Bissonnette, Owner

For Breakfast and Lunch!

& Café

✂

I think my lighter is running out of fluid... #78... #79... #80!

1

Any purchase of $5.00 or more.

1 coupon per order. Expires 11.30.12

1 North Main St. • Mechanic Falls • 346-4889

See our menu online: www.betterthanaveragellc.com

Ken Blais lights the candles

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Rita & Drig Fournier enjoying the company of all the guests.

Our Staff: (l to r) Mel, Kelley, Darcy, Hannah, Jess & Amanda

For All Your Salon & Spa Needs 336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1611 And a dance...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

74 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Tuesday - Friday 9am-7pm • Sat. 9am-2pm

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Soda Cracker...Bottle opener

WACKY DEFINITIONS: Partisan...Japanese bon vivant

Out ’n About at Diamond Cut Jewelers 9th Annual Open House Diamonds really are a girls best friend!

FREE WHITENING FOR LIFE! Contact us to find out how.

Diane Mindy’s mom & Aubrey’s Mimi Our ninth open house! Mom was right, time flies when you’re having fun!!

Mindy Owner of Diamond Cut Jewelers

Trivia Q: What do you call a missing parrot?

A: A polygon.

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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NEXT Level Business Coaching We Will Make Your Business Better in 90 Days – Guaranteed!

Call 207-376-3239 for a free, confidential 90-minute coaching session on any two business issues you are facing.

Come experience business coaching at NO RISK.

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "We have been friends for a very long time, what do you say we call it quits."

Out ’n About at Adrien “Drig” Fournier’s 80th Birthday Bash This jersey has a much better feel to it.

2013 Snow Gear is in!

SALE

on Tons of Leftover 2012 Product

Layaways available

Drig now sporting a real team jersey, Yaz of the Boston Red Sox

Blessed I am.

thru the holidays Boards • Boots • Bindings • Jackets Pants • Helmets • Goggles • Bags Packs • Gloves • Mitts

NO FEES!

’sfers a t an tuf

S

Mens, Womens & Kids Gear by:

gS

in ock

St

...and more!

s sock ard o b ow • Sn nies s ea • B mp pad s o t S c lo k • oard bags B • oard • B Ds ent ipm V • D ing equ es li s un • T te supp & Mitt a s k e •S lov •G d An CH MU ORE! M

SUPER TUNES Gift Certificates Available all denominations

Base grind, machine edge, hot wax and base, buff

$

29.99

Trivia Q: Can you guess what the cook named his son?

1 Garfield Road, Auburn • 344-6622 • ridebackwoods.com

A: Stu

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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Out ’n About at Diamond Cut Jewelers 9th Annual Open House

It was so cold… I had to jackhammer my Jell-O.

Tanya Employee at Diamond Cut Jewelers

John & Aubrey John is Aubrey’s Papa

Aubrey & Tim Tim is a jeweler at Diamond Cut Jewelers

Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?

A. Tomorrow.

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Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

SELF PRIMING.

For over 115 years, Muralo Paints has engineered innovative products to satisfy the most discriminating customers.

Muralo’s Breathe Safe™ line is no different.

Out ’n About at Adrien “Drig” Fournier’s 80th Birthday Bash

Roland

Lewiston High School Class of 1975 Seeking Classmates Recently, four 1975 LHS classmates met to discuss plans for a 40th reunion planning committee. Anyone interested in being on the committee or simply want to get together and share ideas are welcomed.

I hope I look as good as Adrien when I turn 80!

The group will meet for dinner at DaVinci’s Restaurant on Monday, Nov. 12 at 6pm.

The class needs to update its data base on current addresses and email or phone numbers.

Please call Linda at 777-6369 (duzitall@myfairpoint.net), or Dodie at 946-2002 (dodiev2002@yahoo.com).

(L to r): M arc Kevin Kivu Moreau, Linda Fede rico, s and Dod ie Vasiliauskas McDonald-

Offering Lessons in Electric, Acoustic & Bass Guitar

Mike

1st Lesson FREE* Ask about the innovative Fretlight Guitar!

“A Breakthrough in Learning to Play”

*Inquire FMI

120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Hours: Mon.-Wed. 10am-6pm Thurs.-Sat. 10am-7pm • Sun. by appointment

mymusicianshub.com • 333-6700

Mary

Find us on Facebook facebook.com/mymusicanshub If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

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Out ’n About at Diamond Cut Jewelers 9th Annual Open House

"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"

The force is strong with this one.

So strong, in fact, that everyone in the store is about to turn sideways.

Pamper Your Loved One This Holiday Season!

Simple Serenity

Sweet Bliss

Pure Indulgence

Express Facial 1/2 hr. Massage Paraffin Treatment

European Facial 1 hr. Massage Paraffin Treatment

European Facial 1 hr. Massage Spa Manicure & Pedicure

❧ Hair ❧ Body Waxing ❧ Facials ❧ Pedicures ❧ Spa Packages ❧ Massage

❧ Electrology ❧ Manicures ❧ Bridal Packages ❧ Permanent Make-up

PERMANENT Wake-up with Make-up Free Consultation Make us one of your shopping stops on Black Friday

The staff at Diamond Cut Jewelers

Tim, Mindy, Diane, John, Aubrey & Tanya

November 23rd Only

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

80 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

24/7 available Gift Cards ! om .c ls at cassie

Buy $100 Gift Card Get $10 Gift Card FREE We sell a full line of Bare Escentuals Mineral Makeup

www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON

(207) 783-3321 WACKY DEFINITIONS: Spokesperson...Bicycle mechanic

Specials

It was so cold… we had lunch at the “Greasy Spoon” – just for the heartburn.

Big Trouble Submitted by Jimbo

Enter to Win!

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Contest ends 11.18.12

“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest has teamed up with Center Street Dental to bring you some very cool FREE stuff!

To enter go to our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest

$

100 Gift Card

Sweepstakes brought to you by:

to Gritty’s Brew Pub

and

Be on the look out for more contests each month!

I try not to live up to expectation... I just do what I think I can do. – Danica Patrick

At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.

The first step towards the solution of any problem is optimism. – John Baines

“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.”

He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That's one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!”

It was so cold… the cops were Tasering themselves.

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Grape jelly does not melt in hot tea.

Introducing Maine’s Newest Mortgage Company

Great photography by Uncle Andy or so he says!

The first one to guess where this photo was taken will get a free lunch on Uncle Andy. Email him at andy@UncleAndys.com with your answer.

Football Trivia By what nickname was Elroy Hirsch, a Hall of Fame halfback/end for the Los Angeles Rams, commonly known as?

A. The Train B. Crazy Legs C. Rubber Legs D. Night Train Answer: B. Crazy Legs Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

82 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

Meet Our Team.

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Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.

I've worn contact lenses so long I can put them in with my eyes closed.

Tina & Gary Croteau at Park City, Utah Tina, owner of Marcel’s Barber Shop and her husband, Gary took their favorite magazine on a recent vacation.

Football Trivia

I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!

Your Concept...

...Our Design

Bob Hayes' world class speed is credited with changing the way the game of football is played today, and it also inspired this nickname.

A. Rocket B. Speedy C. Light Speed D. Bullet Answer: D. Bullet

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Trivia Q: What did the mountain climber name his son?

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Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

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For Dog Lovers & Veterans

If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.

Submitted by Jimbo

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous (continued on next page

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

84 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

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owner has any advice."

To Whomever Gets My Dog: Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different. So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier.

Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet.

Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful.

Don't do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones --"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."

He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life.

He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info (continued on next page

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(continued from previous page)

with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with... and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis

I've got a plan so sharp you could pick your teeth with it.

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I'm gonna survive or die trying.

(continued from previous page)

I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.

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Buy yourself or them a subscription to Uncle Andy’s Digest!

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We’ll mail it directly to their residence each and every month! Perfect any time of the year...

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Uncle Andy’s Digest, PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 • (207) 783-7039 Hermits have no peer pressure.

ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank.

Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night from me.

Thank you, Paul Mallory I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer. I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright. "C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months.

"Tank," I whispered. His tail swished. I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him. "It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again. "Yeah? Ball?

You like that? Ball?"

Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth. ■ Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

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We’re buried alive in an avalanche of winter gear.

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Football Trivia What is former Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Boomer Esiason’s real first name?

A. Boomer B. Leonard C. Norman D. Todd

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www.drnewton.com Zach Hobbs Senior Acct. Manager "Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth." – God

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Out ’n About Cash Mobbing at Maine Gourmet Chocolate in Lewiston

L/A Cash Mob Part Trios As part of the kick off to the Dempsey Challenge, the third local Cash Mob took place. No one knew who was getting mobbed until moments before the event. Maine Gourmet Chocolate in Lewiston was the lucky recipient! These mobbers were armed with twenty dollar bills as they stormed the knowing business.

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Back: Gerry Bernatchez & Tina Dionne. Front: Mary Anne Emmert, Stephanie Bernatchez, Corrie Bernatchez & Hilary Tate of Maine Gourmet Chocolate If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.

Together for Thanksgiving Submitted by Jimbo

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

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Cat Problems

It was so cold… I chipped a tooth on my soup.

By Natasha Piirainen

When I was about eightyears-old, I shared a room with my six-year-old sister, Staci. Her bed was across from mine, so if I laid on my left side I could see her and she could see me. We also had an old, grumpy cat named Wibbles. I loved Wibbles; she would follow me around and let me pat her even though she would hiss at everyone else. We had a special relationship, that cat and I. Staci and Wibbles, however, had a very different relationship; they hated each other. That cat would lie at the foot of Staci’s bed every single night and growl. She would growl a low, grumbling, eerie growl, so loud it would wake Staci up. One night Staci had had enough, she started kicking her little feet, trying to scare Wibbles off of her bed.

But Wibbles kept growling and hissing, louder and louder. Eventually, Staci couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Tashaaaa,” she called out, needing help from her brave, generous, wonderful older sister, “Wibbles is scaring me!” she then kick, kick, kick, kicked her feet, “She won’t get off my bed!”

Being the wonderful older sister I am, I groggily lifted up my head and shouted, “Shhh, Staci! I’m sleeping!” and fell right back into my peaceful slumber.

Okay, so maybe I’m not such a great older sister when I get woken up in the middle of the night. But all other times, I’m a great sister, I swear!

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Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen is now accepting new patients at his new location.

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Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What on earth was I thinking?"

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Football Trivia

You'll Learn

With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. and media stars and they still come back for more.

Add comedians Tony Powell and Rob Combine that with our award winning local news Bartlett, starting your day is more fun. and your mornings are complete.

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It was so cold… the wind froze.

A. $800 B. $8,000 C. $80,000 D. $800,000 Answer: B. $8,000

You'll Laugh

In 1937, Sammy Baugh signed for the highest salary in league history. How much was it?

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Hunting Woes

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "Thanks for being a part of my life!!

I never knew what evil was before this!"

Submitted by Jimbo

Tommy and Billy were discussing their latest turkey shoot. Tommy says emphatically, “I am never going to take my wife Laura shooting with me ever again, Billy!”

“That bad, eh?” enquires Billy, smiling.

“Yeah, Laura did everything wrong, got nothing right. She chattered too much, constantly disturbed the undergrowth, loaded the wrong gauge shot in the gun, used the wrong luring whistles and worst of all,” bellows Tommy, “she shot more turkeys than me!”

Football Trivia What NFL team did the legendary Vince Lombardi coach in his final season in the league?

A. Washington Redskins B. Green Bay Packers C. Cleveland Browns D. Detroit Lions Answer: A. Roger Staubach Sign on repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn’t work).

– Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

92 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!"

– Homer Simpson

I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.

Mom's Prank

Winter is on its way!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

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Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

A. AGE.

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Submitted by Jimbo

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Active Verbs

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"This is my living faith, an active faith, a faith of verbs: to question, explore, experiment, experience, walk, run, dance, play, eat, love, learn, dare, taste, touch, smell, listen, speak, write, read, draw, provoke, emote, scream, sin, repent, cry, kneel, pray, bow, rise, stand, look, laugh, cajole, create, confront, confound, walk back, walk forward, circle, hide, and seek."

– Terry Tempest Williams

Notice in a farmer’s field: The Farmer Allows Walkers to Cross for Free, but the Bull Charges.

– Submitted by Richard Collins

Football Trivia What is Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre's middle name?

A. Lorenzo B. Franklin C. Jacob D. Ernest Answer: A. Lorenzo A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

94 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!

Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

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Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 • gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail Tim Fox: 514-1137 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM

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Which of these teams did Hall of Fame tight end Mike Ditka not play for during his 12-year career?

A. Chicago Bears B. Dallas Cowboys C. Denver Broncos D. Philadelphia Eagles

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Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark: "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

In 1997, Sabena Airlines entered the record books by carrying the most 100year-old people on one flight. The flight carried 48 centenarians on a Fokker 50 plane from Antwerp, Belgium to London, England, where they met with Britain's Queen Mother.

Major League Baseball Fact Submitted by Richard Collins

Larry Gowell, Auburn native and Edward Little baseball standout, has a lifetime Major League batting average of 1.000. He hit a double off Jim Lonborg of the Red Sox in his only at bat.

OPEN as of November 3rd 2 Cedar Street, Lewiston • 577-0312

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

– Audrey Hepburn

It's never crowded along the extra mile. – Wayne Dyer

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Introducing our New General Manager

Brian Desjardins I’m committed to being here for our customers and delivering the highest quality service and attention to detail with their vehicle.

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: He’s half a bubble off plumb.

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96 NOVEMBER 2012 783-7039

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